1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,474 Ah... The more observant among you 2 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,518 may note that I am wearing a clean new apron. 3 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,717 I have trimmed my moustache and manicured my nails. 4 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:37,270 And if you were standing next to me, you would know also 5 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,716 that I am wearing a very powerful aftershave lotion. 6 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,950 My wife finds it irresistible. 7 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,996 So I seldom wear it. 8 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,309 But this is a special occasion. 9 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:51,949 Since my waitress has been lost in the post 10 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:56,158 I now have to find a new girl to work under me in the bar. 11 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,512 And there have been many applications. 12 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,238 - René? - Yes? 13 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,550 Zis new girl that you will be taking on - 14 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,154 promise me you won't fall in love with 'er? 15 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:10,232 Oh, Yvette, what a suggestion! 16 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,153 Have you ever known me to deceive anyone? 17 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,879 Look out, my wife is coming. 18 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,030 René, are the girls here yet? 19 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,953 Er... M Leclerc has assembled them outside. 20 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:24,316 Good. Show them in, I will interview them. 21 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,393 Edith, there is no need for you to bother yourself with this. 22 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:32,109 I know the type of girl I want to work in our café. 23 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:36,273 So do I. And it is not our café, it is my café. 24 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,511 It will only be our café when you marry me again. 25 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,556 Yes, Edith. 26 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:45,030 Psst! The girls, they are getting restless. 27 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,396 - Oh, er... - Show in the first applicant. 28 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,314 Mme Sablon. 29 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:04,235 - Very suitable. - I agree, when can she start? 30 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,073 But... but Edith, 31 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,152 she has to get down on her knees to clean the floors, 32 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,800 climb the stairs to entertain the Germans... 33 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:19,398 I can get down on my knees and I am able to entertain the Germans. 34 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,198 She is perfect! 35 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,397 Well, yes, but... We must see the others, Edith. 36 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:26,948 Er, we will let you know, Mme Sablon. 37 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:35,748 Er... Mlle Angélique Vitesse, 38 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:40,436 38-28... 38! (Chuckles) 39 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,391 Next, please. 40 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,439 Colonel, General von Klinkerhoffen is here. 41 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:58,718 - General von Klinkerhoffen? - General von Klinkerhoffen! 42 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,359 (Yells) General von Klinkerhoffen! 43 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,908 - Heil Hitler. - Heil Hitler! 44 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,116 Sit. 45 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,998 - Go avay. - Yes, General. 46 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:19,875 The invasion of England is in preparation and vill take place before the winter. 47 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,793 My chateau is to be the operational centre. 48 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,394 All planning will be carried out there. 49 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,268 Your area is consequently of vital importance. 50 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,830 - Security must be vatertight. - I understand, Herr General. 51 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,239 Where is your assistant? 52 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,959 He volunteered for the Russian Front. 53 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,996 Good. 54 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,509 I intended to send him there anyway. 55 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,398 - You will have a new assistant. - I'm delighted. 56 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,914 Mussolini has persuaded Herr Hitler 57 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,788 that a small token force should join us in the invasion. 58 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,998 We are, therefore, to have a liaison officer. 59 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,992 It's not agreeable to me but we must obey orders. 60 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:04,352 In order to keep him out of my hair I have placed him under your command. 61 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,436 Bring in Captain Bertorelli. 62 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,231 (Yells) Bring in Captain Bertorelli! 63 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,470 Captain Bertorelli. 64 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,350 Mamma mia! 65 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,795 A beautiful laydee! 66 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,917 I kiss-a your hand. 67 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,150 - Captain! - Captain Bertorelli, 68 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:41,518 officers in the German army do not kiss the lady privates. 69 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,555 What a mistake-a to make-a. 70 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,596 Generalo, please forgive me. 71 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,672 I am Italian, when I see the beautiful laydee 72 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,274 my heart go boom-diddy-boom... 73 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,316 diddy-boom. 74 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,676 This is your commanding officer, Colonel von Strohm. 75 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,399 Colonelo, you have a kind-a face. 76 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,516 To you I give a salute. 77 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:07,559 Mmmwah! 78 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,876 It's a beautiful place you 'ave here, I think I be very happy. 79 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,953 - This-a my desk? - No! This-a my desk! 80 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,237 I forget. General... 81 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:27,472 I have-a for you the special gift from Mussolini. 82 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,358 It's the Italian war hero medal. 83 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,159 Oh, the Italian war hero medal. 84 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:37,552 - I've never seen this before. - I think they're very rare. 85 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,716 You too have many medals. 86 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,756 Me? I am a hero. 87 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:46,913 These here, for service in Abyssinia. 88 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,673 These, for service in North Africa. 89 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,035 And the bottom row? 90 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,634 They are for servicing Fiats. 91 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:04,351 (Clears throat) Er... Mlle Valerie Vendome. 92 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,431 36-22-36. 93 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,671 Miss Vendome, what is your experience? 94 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,558 Until recently I worked in a circus. 95 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,757 I can ride a one-wheeled bicycle. 96 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:25,233 Very 'andy for errands, Edith. 97 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:30,194 I can do also the acrobatic. 98 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:52,469 It would be good for dusting under the bed, Edith. 99 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,716 Oh, the best yet. 100 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:12,869 I also 'ave a beautiful singing voice and I do cabaret. 101 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,916 So do I. 102 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,031 Next, please. 103 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,680 Michelle of the Resistance. 104 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,037 You fool! You want the 'ole world to know? 105 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,917 What are you doing here? 106 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,436 Listen very carefully. I will say this only once. 107 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,438 Your new radio has arrived. 108 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,432 But the Germans know our wavelength. 109 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,556 We have changed the wavelength. 110 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,598 It will be delivered by a man dressed as a mountaineer. 111 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,389 But the nearest mountain is an 'undred miles away. 112 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,153 He is lost. 113 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,038 He will come in here asking for directions. 114 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,917 - Look... - No more questions. 115 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,753 Your new serving girl is to be from the Resistance. 116 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,877 She is outside. She was a Paris gang leader. 117 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,712 (Groans) 118 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:17,792 Mimi, I want you to meet the bravest man in all France, 119 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:22,351 - René Artois. - My name is Mimi La Bonque. 120 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,270 This is my wife Edith. 121 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,396 Mlle La Bonque. 122 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:35,317 This is Yvette, the other servant. 123 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:39,757 René is very important to the Resistance, guard 'im with your life. 124 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,195 This is my bodyguard?! 125 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,078 I will be the laughing stock of the whole town. 126 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,310 - Show 'im. - (Yells) 127 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,035 Good! She is hired! 128 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:58,549 Thank you, monsieur. 129 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:04,035 (Gasps) Oh, 'eck, it is Herr Flick from the Gestapo. 130 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,270 Oh, God. Put that away! 131 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,439 Edith, he will want his table in the back room. 132 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,273 - The airmen are in there. - Get rid of them! 133 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:17,796 Ah, Herr Flick. Welcome to my 'umble café. 134 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:23,109 Er, let me take from you your sinister leather coat. 135 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,434 - Hello! - Hello! 136 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:34,399 We need this room, you must not be discovered. You must leave! 137 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,994 Er, I will just make sure that the room is emp... 138 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,832 er, prepared for you. 139 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,200 - All is clear. - Come in please, Herr Flick. 140 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,510 Sit down, make yourself at home. 141 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,478 Mimi, a menu and wine for Herr Flick 142 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:51,074 and his bit of st... er, er... 143 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,878 His lady friend. 144 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,589 I 'ave already prepared a bottle for the Gestapo. 145 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:03,476 Er, it is very stuffy in 'ere, let me open a window for you. 146 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,551 Good moaning. 147 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,591 Good evening, Officer. 148 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,956 How comforting to know that you are doing your duty. 149 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,635 - Do not waste your torch. - It is a dick night. 150 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,716 Very likely, yes. 151 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:27,157 I thought I saw two men leaking by your dustbins. 152 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,755 Well, that is France for you. 153 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,434 - Hello! - Hello! 154 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,479 Er... the police are patrolling the grounds. 155 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,593 Ah, Mimi. Wine for the Gestapo officer. 156 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:47,150 Here you are, sir. You will never drink a better bottle. 157 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,754 - I vill do it. - Of course, Herr Flick. 158 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,513 When you speak in such a dominating fashion 159 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,956 - I go veak at the knees. - This is normal. 160 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:08,511 Helga, I vish you to know that this is a very special occasion. 161 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,034 I have decided to marry you. 162 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:14,590 I thought we were going to vait until after the var? 163 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,035 These are dangerous times, Helga. 164 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,112 We must grab every moment of happiness while we may. 165 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,033 But you have always managed to grab it so far 166 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,554 without getting married. 167 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:29,792 Mimi, you must not oversell our wine, it is only plonk. 168 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,350 Why tell Herr Flick that he would never open a better bottle? 169 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:38,275 It was the truth. I removed the cork and put in a deadly poison. 170 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:42,194 In four minutes he will be... no more. 171 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,032 Mimi, not in my café! 172 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,871 Helga, may we be blessed 173 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,032 with many little members of the master race. 174 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:52,997 (René whimpering) 175 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,636 (Bottle smashing) 176 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,399 It was not a good year. 177 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:06,754 Ah, good evening, Lieutenant Gruber. Table by the window? 178 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,355 No, I would prefer just to have a little snifter by the bar. 179 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,908 - (Yvette) Of course. - Take this into him 180 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,788 and remember the house rule - do not kill people on the premises. 181 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:20,077 - Good evening, René. - Good evening, Lieutenant. 182 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,391 - He's the one that fancies me. - Who is to blame 'im? 183 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,914 You 'ave a quality that is irresistible. 184 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,275 You too? 185 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:34,195 From the moment I saw you my lips 'ungered for your lips. 186 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,909 Well, er... practise on this, I am rather busy right now. 187 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,679 That's a very exciting perfume you're wearing. 188 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,718 Yes, yes. It is my aftershave. 189 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,756 It is cologne... for men. 190 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,513 No doubt that is why I am attracted to it. 191 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,558 - René... - Yes? 192 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,234 I vish to speak to you confidentially. 193 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,709 Can you bend over a little? 194 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,029 Oh! Yes, yes, of course. 195 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:13,113 Could you obtain for me, perhaps from your vife Edith, 196 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,236 some dark red lipstick? 197 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,790 You're going somewhere special? 198 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:23,669 René... do not get the wrong idea about me, 199 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,433 I do not wear lipstick. 200 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,717 Even when I'm going somewhere special. 201 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,870 - I'm sorry. - I need it 202 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:36,112 to complete the forgery of the Fallen Madonna With The Big... 203 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,555 The Big... Exactly. 204 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:45,189 - How are you getting on? - Making progress but it's quite a task. 205 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:49,193 One for Hitler, one for the Colonel, one for the General, it's a lot of work. 206 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,589 - And a lot of... - Exactly. 207 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:54,319 You shall have the lipstick, Lieutenant. 208 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,709 - Good evening, Colonel. - Good evening. 209 00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,076 - René, I want to speak to you. - Yes, Colonel. 210 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,276 I'm meeting my new assistant here. 211 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,796 - He will be most welcome, Colonel. - Psst. 212 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,394 He knows nothing about the British airmen 213 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,994 or the painting or the cuckoo clock. 214 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,117 I had forgotten about the cuckoo clock. 215 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,909 Nor does he know about my little visit upstairs with the girls. 216 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:21,470 With the flying 'elmet and the wet celery? 217 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,472 Never mention the flying helmet and the wet celery. 218 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,916 - Rely on us, Colonel. - His name is Bertorelli. 219 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,958 What, von Bertorelli? 220 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:34,715 Captain Alberto Bertorelli. He's an Eyetie. 221 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:38,270 An Italian unit will come with us when we invade England. 222 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,670 I suppose somebody has to take over the ice cream business. 223 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,636 - When is the invasion? - I shouldn't have told you! 224 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,712 - Forget it, forget it. - Yes, forget it, Yvette. 225 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:54,316 Never mention the invasion or the fact that the Colonel told you about it. 226 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:58,359 Oh, by the way, we are running rather short of butter, sugar... 227 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,954 (Both) And paraffin and cigarettes. 228 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,553 No problem. 229 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:08,078 Colonelo! You are my friend and I keep-a you waiting. 230 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,310 But you forgive-a me, no? 231 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,356 Mmmwah! 232 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,637 - This is Captain Bertorelli. - Yes, I guessed. 233 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:22,953 - Good evening and welcome. - Oh, patron! Mmmwah! 234 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,876 I am just a simple peasant, 235 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,748 trying to scratch a living with my mother-in-law and my wife. 236 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,912 I embrace-a your wife! 237 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,036 - Mmmwah! - Oh! 238 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,554 I embrace your mother-in-law! 239 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,269 I am 'is wife. 240 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,397 What a mistake-a to make-a. 241 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,672 Mamma mia, who is this 'andsome officer who look like-a de film star? 242 00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:01,515 - This is Captain Bertorelli. - I heard about you from the General. 243 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,068 This is Lieutenant Gruber. 244 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,994 I, er... I heard about-a you from the General. 245 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,148 How are you goin' on, eh? 246 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,715 Yvette! Edith! 247 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,439 Ahhh. 248 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,159 Does nobody hear the cry 249 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,949 of a bedridden woman! (Yells) 250 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:34,591 Stop shouting, Mama. The whole café can 'ear you. 251 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,955 What is the matter? 252 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,715 Since there is no radio under the bed, 253 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:44,190 nobody comes up to my room. 254 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,316 Why do you not read from your book? 255 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,630 Oh, my 'ands. 256 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:50,870 They shake too much. 257 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,076 I am not surprised. 258 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,357 Lady Chatterley's Lover? 259 00:16:56,440 --> 00:17:00,115 You should not be reading such a book at your age. 260 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,431 At my age what else can I do? 261 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,072 Colonel? 262 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,470 In my room is a painting on which I would like your advice. 263 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,950 A painting? Why would I want to see a painting? 264 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:18,476 It is of a flying 'elmet and some wet celery. 265 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,676 I will go at once! 266 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,635 Do you also have one of an egg whisk? 267 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,757 Oh, I am sure I can find one. 268 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,956 (Groaning) 269 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,715 Oh, my God. 270 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,671 Good evening. 271 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:44,833 Can anybody 'elp a poor, weary old mountaineer 272 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,592 who has lost his way? 273 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,468 Eh, come over 'ere, old mountaineer, and tell me your problem. 274 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,632 - Ah, kind, most kind... - Yes. 275 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,678 - I was lucky to see your light. - Yes, indeed. 276 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,718 I have tramped for hours and hours and tramped... 277 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,791 Shut up! 278 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,711 What is it? 279 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,030 It is I, Leclerc. 280 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:12,437 That is abundantly clear to all but the totally blind. 281 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,751 In the pack on my back is your new radio. 282 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,991 It is already connected to the batteries. 283 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,877 Here is the aerial. 284 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,270 (Radio) # Somebody stole my gal 285 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,078 ♪ Somebody... ♪ 286 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,038 (Static, raspberry) 287 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:35,194 Edith, get this old idiot upstairs before he gets us all shot. 288 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:39,432 He cannot go to the room of my mother, she is doing private things. 289 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:44,992 - You, take him to the room of Yvette. - She is doing officer things. 290 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:49,073 Oh, 'eck. Come and sit down, weary old lost mountaineer. 291 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,391 Er... we will bring you a refreshing bowl of soup 292 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,277 before you go to your room. 293 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,316 Er, Mimi - soup. 294 00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,636 Good evening. 295 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:03,269 Er, at what theatre are you performing? 296 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,712 Have some wine, garrulous old mountaineer. 297 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,598 And do not talk to the conquering heroes. 298 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,672 Remember, you are just a silly old peasant, eh? 299 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,797 (Radio static, raspberry) 300 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,311 Pardon. 301 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,118 (Raspberry) 302 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:34,114 - Try to ignore 'im. - Is-a not easy. 303 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:40,397 That-a coat-a you wear is-a... is-a very fine. 304 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:45,759 This is what we mountaineers call... It is a windcheater. 305 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,400 (Static, raspberry) 306 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,310 Whatever you do... 307 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,356 don't-a take it off. 308 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:58,431 (Radio, high-pitched) # Any old iron 309 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,238 ♪ You look neat Talk about a treat 310 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,276 ♪ You look dapper From your napper to your feet 311 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:03,793 ♪ Dressed in style with a brand-new tile 312 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,836 ♪ And your father's old green tie on 313 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,480 ♪ I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch chain 314 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,516 ♪ Old iron, old iron... ♪ 315 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:16,235 I have been thinking about the arrangements for our vedding. 316 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:19,471 Herr Flick, are you quite sure, deep in your heart - 317 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,233 wherever it is - you are ready for marriage? 318 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:26,598 - What are you saying? - You are so young, so attractive. 319 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,194 Women are always throwing themselves at you. 320 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,272 - This is true. - I vill be consumed with jealousy. 321 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,591 I will be breaking the plates when I do the vashing-up. 322 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,910 If you did you would be punished. 323 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:44,115 Ve vill be married in a high-security Gestapo chapel. 324 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:48,432 Ve vill leave the ceremony through an arch of rubber truncheons 325 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,717 held by my Gestapo colleagues in jackboots. 326 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,439 Ve vill leave in a black Gestapo limousine 327 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,750 showered with propaganda pamphlets. 328 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,154 Ve vill honeymoon in a Bavarian forest. 329 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,391 Every morning ve vill leave our camouflaged tent, 330 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:10,237 strip naked... and dive into the icy vaters of a limpid, dark lake. 331 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,789 Could I have time to think about it? 332 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:26,474 Ah, Colonel. You like-a de painting, eh? 333 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,630 It was most enjoyable. 334 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,594 You got-a the lipstick on your face. 335 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:38,553 And behind-a your ear there is a piece of wet cel-airy. 336 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,119 You not just look at de painting, eh? 337 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,636 Do not poke your vop nose into my business. 338 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,996 Colonelo, my friend. We are both men of the world. 339 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:53,197 You fix-a so Yvette show me the painting, eh? 340 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,236 Certainly not. 341 00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:00,799 I will show you some paintings, Capitan. Follow me. 342 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,235 Is-a my lucky night, eh? 343 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:09,355 - And where are you going? - She show-a me the painting. 344 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:13,353 You will never see better paintings as long as you live. 345 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,075 - Good evening. - Heil Hitler. 346 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,955 Michelle, what are you playing at? 347 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:29,919 The town is full of Germans. Like this I can move around freely. 348 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,231 London will contact you in ten minutes on a new wavelength. 349 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,914 With a café full of customers, that is all I need. 350 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,036 - How is the new girl? - She is a fanatic! 351 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:40,315 She tried to kill Herr Flick in the back. 352 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,994 She has a ruthless hatred of the enemy. 353 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:47,870 Yvette, two soups for table three and chicken for the back. 354 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,236 - I would like a small port. - Port for Lieutenant Gruber. 355 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:55,359 - I 'ave only one pair of 'ands. - Get Mimi to 'elp you. 356 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,510 She's upstairs with the Captain. 357 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,830 She's a fast worker, that one. 358 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,273 She's a show-off. 359 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:05,876 She told him he would never see better paintings as long as he lived. 360 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,109 Oh, my God! 361 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,876 Signorine! 362 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:30,199 - (Gibbering) - I think he's trying to speak. 363 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,875 Whatever you do, don't-a you make a pass at de girls. 364 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,269 Don't worry, he won't.