1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:24,673 Once again, my instincts for self-preservation 2 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:27,194 have triumphed over my patriotism... 3 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:30,078 and I am about to leg it to the Spanish border. 4 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,991 The reason is very simple. 5 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:36,072 Last night, Lieutenant Gruber arrived with the paintings 6 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,958 of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies by Van Clomp 7 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:42,510 and the Cracked Vase With The Big Daisies by Van Gogh. 8 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,068 There were four forgeries and two originals 9 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,469 which he had cleverly concealed, once again, 10 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,755 inside knockwurst sausages. 11 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,559 Unfortunately, these sausages became confused 12 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,234 with four sausages containing dynamite, 13 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:59,757 four sausages containing submarine batteries 14 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:02,673 and eight Italian salami sausages 15 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,479 containing garlic. 16 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,516 All of these sausage are now 17 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:11,434 down the trousers of Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber. 18 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:14,353 Except for two which are in the buttoned-up bosom 19 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:17,637 of the already well-endowed Helga, the Colonel's secretary. 20 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:19,995 Sooner or later, something has got to give 21 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,231 and I do not want to be there when it happens. 22 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,190 Ah, er, Michelle, how nice to see you. 23 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,077 Where are you going? 24 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,833 - Just to the barber's. - With a suitcase? 25 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,992 I am saving my hair to stuff something with. 26 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,152 If you run out on us, you will find a bullet in your back 27 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:42,755 before the stationmaster can wag his flag. 28 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,876 I will go by bus. 29 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,758 - I have serious news. Sit down. - Oh. 30 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,351 London has sent us a spy camera 31 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,796 to photograph the plans for the invasion which are in the safe, 32 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,553 which we intend to blow up, in the chateau. 33 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:04,713 The parachute carrying the spy camera was blown off course 34 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,439 and has landed in the vineyard of M Alfonse. 35 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:11,354 Well, I am sure if you ask him for it, he will let you have it. 36 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,671 Yesterday, the German swine requisitioned the vineyard. 37 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,990 So the village refused to work for zem. 38 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:21,198 If they do, they will be shot by the Communist Resistance. 39 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,350 No one can go near. 40 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,238 We must radio London to say there will be a delay. 41 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,038 Where are the batteries? 42 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,112 Down the trousers of Lieutenant Gruber. 43 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,316 Does he know? 44 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:39,554 He does now. He crossed his legs and shorted himself out. 45 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,673 Never mind. We will use the bicycle. 46 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,796 And we still have the dynamite. 47 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:50,112 No, the dynamite is mostly down the trousers of the Colonel. 48 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,111 Can I trust you with nothing? 49 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,191 I make plans, I devise schemes, 50 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,317 I conceive complicated plots and always you screw them up. 51 00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,868 - That is not fair... - Do you not understand? 52 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,918 I am writing my memoirs to sell after ze war. 53 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,798 So far, I am looking a right twit. 54 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:07,871 Is your name René Artois? 55 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,030 Er, yes. Er, welcome to my café. 56 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,350 We are closed. 57 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:16,035 Upon ze orders of Colonel von Strohm, I am placing you under arrest. 58 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:19,430 What? But... Michelle! Do something. Help me. 59 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,715 You. You know zis man? 60 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:25,349 I've never seen him before in my life. Heil Hitler! 61 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,271 Oh, thank you. 62 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,990 Colonel, the prisoner is outside. 63 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,275 Bring him in. 64 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:40,193 (Yells) Bring the prisoner in here! 65 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,713 - Heil Hitler! - Heil Hitler. 66 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,950 Leave us. 67 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,715 Colonel, Lieutenant, what have I done? 68 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,951 René, ve are very cross with you. 69 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,158 Yes, René, you have a lot of explaining to do. 70 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:08,028 Ve examined the sausages and ve got quite a shock. 71 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,076 Especially me. 72 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,236 Four of them contained batteries stolen from the submarine 73 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:19,677 and the two concealed in my bosom were dynamite. 74 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:23,958 Own up. You've been verking with the Resistance again. 75 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,555 Oh, no, you are quite wrong, Colonel. You see, er, 76 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,438 hearing that the submarine batteries had been stolen, 77 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,991 I sent a message to the Resistance, who I do not know. 78 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:39,039 But I told them that if they did not return the batteries, 79 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,350 I would refuse to serve them in my café... 80 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,352 if I ever found out who they were. 81 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:48,797 The batteries came back. I was about to return them when the General arrived. 82 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:52,190 How do you account for this dynamite in my bosom? 83 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,475 Well, er... 84 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,472 As I understand it, the spark from the batteries 85 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,676 was to be used to explode the dynamite, 86 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,513 so without the batteries, the dynamite was no use, 87 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,875 so that is why they sent it back. 88 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,918 It's all perfectly logical if you think about it. 89 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,151 - I am thinking about it. - Supposing the spark 90 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,915 had exploded some of the dynamite down my trousers. 91 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,195 I have not even made a vill. 92 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,350 You would have died intestate. 93 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:25,675 And what about the dynamite I was carrying? 94 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,435 Could not the heat of my bosom have caused a reaction? 95 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,875 I could well believe it. 96 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,758 It all sounds very suspicious, René. 97 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,637 On ze other hand, 98 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:40,395 the General will be very pleased when we return the batteries 99 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,199 and, without René, would we have them? 100 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:46,636 True. Just this once, René, 101 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,632 - we'll overlook this incident. - Thank you, Colonel. 102 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,917 Providing you hide the painting of the Fallen Madonna. 103 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,197 - Oh, no, not again. - You will do as I tell you! 104 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,072 Colonel, that's dynamite. 105 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,116 (All scream) 106 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,991 I could have killed myself. 107 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,150 You could have killed all of us. 108 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:13,392 We must be more careful. Now, vich sausage is vich? 109 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:18,235 Erm, these two and that and that are dynamite. 110 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:22,074 - These four are batteries. - Not next to each other! 111 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,469 Of course. 112 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,835 Now, what about the paintings? 113 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,070 These two are forgeries 114 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,754 of The Cracked Vase With The Big Daisies by Van Gogh, 115 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,673 which go to the General, one of which he'll send to Hitler, 116 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,718 believing it is a forgery. The other he will keep, 117 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:41,634 believing it is a genuine Van Gogh but which is a forgery. 118 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,836 That one is the original Van Gogh 119 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,911 which we promised to allow René to keep 120 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,991 so that he can sell it after the war. 121 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,913 Hands up all those who think he should not have it. 122 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,396 Carried unanimously. 123 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,679 - Carry on, Gruber. - These two are forgeries 124 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,115 of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies 125 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,033 which were to go to Herr Flick. One he will send to Hitler. 126 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,634 The other he will keep, believing it is the original 127 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:09,518 which he can sell but which is, like this, a forgery. 128 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,114 And anyway, neither of which he needs at the moment. 129 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,953 - Why is this? - Herr Flick is in the nick. 130 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,911 What for? 131 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,560 For spying on me wearing Helga's clothes. 132 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,393 Why were you wearing Helga's clothes? 133 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:28,395 I wasn't wearing Helga's clothes, he was wearing Helga's clothes. 134 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:34,112 - Go on, Gruber! - Finally, zis is ze genuine van Clomp. 135 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,555 René, you will take all these 136 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,596 and the Italian salami 137 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:42,070 and you will hide it in your kitchen, on your sausage rack. 138 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,071 - Yes, Colonel, thank you. - Colonel, 139 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,355 might not a man carrying so many sausages 140 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:48,396 in wartime arouse suspicion? 141 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,278 True, Helga. We must hide them. 142 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:54,318 - Where? - That's very simple. 143 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,960 Oh, no. I... 144 00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,593 Oh... 145 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,796 She is in here. 146 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,392 Ah, good morning, Frau Kinkenrotten. 147 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,875 Close ze door and go avay. 148 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,475 Thank Himmler you are here. Ze swine have put me on ze rack. 149 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,839 I ordered it. 150 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,799 You ordered it? Why did you order it, you oversized fruit bat? 151 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,515 I told them I wish to interrogate you 152 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,831 so that we could discuss your escape in general terms. 153 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:38,708 For the sake of reality, could you give, from time to time, 154 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,552 a little scream? 155 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,437 Certainly not. 156 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:45,159 - (Creaking) - Aah! 157 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,000 Yvette, why do you cry? 158 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,753 Oh, poor René. At zis very moment, 159 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:02,037 he could be suffering torture at ze hands of ze Colonel. 160 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,190 Tears will not help him. 161 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,989 Only a bold, brave plan can save him now. 162 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,830 And we do not 'ave one. 163 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,111 Good moaning. 164 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,118 Oh. 165 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:24,115 It is that English idiot who speaks bad French. 166 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,236 Maybe he can 'elp us. 167 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,635 Aah! 168 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,439 Officer Crabtree, René 'as been arrested. 169 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,637 Yes, I just hid the bad nose. 170 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:39,395 We must roscue him before he drops us all in the shoot. 171 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,868 - But what can we do? - Mme Edith is beside herself. 172 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,871 If he reveals my disgeez, 173 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,713 I will be up the creek without a piddle. 174 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,909 Madame Edith, why are you dressed zis way? 175 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,195 It is the time for the action. 176 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,236 I will rescue my brave René. 177 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,880 I will storm into the office of the Colonel, 178 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,155 I will show him this hand grenade, 179 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,356 I will remove the pin with my teeth 180 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:12,228 and I will tell him to release René or we will all die. 181 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,595 This is rosky in daylight. 182 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,669 Why do you not wait until it is dick? 183 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,316 We must strike now. 184 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,356 Make sure the coast is clear. 185 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,510 I will look outsod. 186 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,550 It is the Italian captain. He may recognise me. 187 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,830 He is wicking this woo. 188 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,030 I must hide. 189 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,634 ♪ Is-a now or never 190 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,676 ♪ Come-a hold me tight ♪ 191 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,716 Good-a morning. Nice-a day. 192 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,631 Yes, indood. 193 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,071 Heil-a Hitler. 194 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,878 Heil Mussolini. 195 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,679 (# O sole mio) 196 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,796 (Blowing noisily) 197 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,235 You are very small for the army. 198 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,276 Mind your own business. 199 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,876 Heil Hitler. 200 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,317 Heil Hitler. 201 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,392 - Edith? - René, you are safe. 202 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,517 What are you holding in your hand? 203 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,556 If the Colonel wouldn't release you, 204 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,154 I was going to blow up his office with a grenade. 205 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,630 A grenade? My God, give that to me before you blow us all up. 206 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,871 - No. - Edith, 207 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,520 promise me you won't touch one of these again. 208 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,238 Oh, very well. 209 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:15,357 But I will keep this as a souvenir. 210 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,431 Oh, my God. 211 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:37,590 I turn my back for five minutes and you demolish the town convenience. 212 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,470 Yvette, we need you behind the bar. Why are you taking so long? 213 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:52,439 Oh, I was hanging zem up and I went into a daydream. 214 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:59,509 And I thought about all the happy times we have 'ad in 'ere. 215 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,870 Oh, Yvette, my little tiger. 216 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,350 Oh, René, my big, cuddly bear. 217 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,396 My little chicken. 218 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,392 - My big turkey. Oh. - Oh. 219 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,357 - Oh, 'old me. - Oh. 220 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,112 - Kiss me. - Oh. 221 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,156 When are we going to get married? 222 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,038 Ah, well, I am sorry, Yvette. 223 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:23,078 First I must marry Edith to get my café back. 224 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:26,118 Oh, but René, I cannot stand ze waiting, 225 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,953 ze longing, ze yearning. 226 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,793 Oh, how my heart pounds and flutters. 227 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,155 Can you not feel it through your apron? 228 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,515 I thought you had a wild pigeon in there. 229 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,398 - Oh! - René! 230 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:43,109 What are you doing with your arms around that girl? 231 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,953 You stupid woman! 232 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:49,396 Can you not see she is suffering from claustrophobia? 233 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,994 (Gasping) 234 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,197 She accidentally locked herself in the larder. 235 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:56,998 But there is no key. 236 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:01,039 Of course there is no key. That is why she could not get out. 237 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:04,078 - (Yvette gasping) - There, are you feeling better? 238 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,311 - Thank you, René. - Oh, the poor child. 239 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,356 It happened to me, once. 240 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,874 My heart fluttered like a wild pigeon. 241 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:15,839 I screamed and screamed but nobody came. 242 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,600 We thought you were singing. 243 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:29,790 'Ere is the schnapps. 244 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,830 And if you would like a little fun and games upstairs, 245 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,115 it will be 1,000 francs. 246 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,879 There is my card with my address. 247 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,431 "Mimi La Bonque. 248 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,711 "Turn left at the top of the stairs, 249 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,394 "second door past the linen cupboard." 250 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,833 Pss-pss. 251 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,115 My home is next to hers. 252 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,916 I am half-price. 253 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,196 Dah! 254 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,990 Now, Yvette, clean those tables. 255 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:16,235 René, every bone in my body is aching for you. 256 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,039 Come to me at midnight in ze airing cupboard. 257 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,031 Mimi, my wife may not be asleep 258 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:26,113 and besides, it is very warm in there next to the hot-water tank. 259 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,954 I think I can fix the old boiler with a hammer. 260 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:33,271 Might be kinder if you gave her a sleeping pill. 261 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,156 Dear Mme Edith, I bring you lilies. 262 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,198 Oh, how thoughtful. I will put them in water. 263 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:46,193 I was about to place them on the grave of my late uncle 264 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,635 when I thought to myself, "What the heck." 265 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:53,032 All he left me was a rolled-gold half hunter which would not tick. 266 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,997 - How is my mother? - Oh. 267 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,275 She sat up beside me on the hearse 268 00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:00,955 when we buried M Saulier, the cobbler. 269 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,395 She had the time of her life. 270 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,195 Edith, what is going on? 271 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:12,478 I had to spring-clean the room of my mother where the British airmen hide. 272 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,472 And M Alfonse kindly consented to take them 273 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,516 to the funeral of the cobbler. 274 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,318 It was a notable occasion. 275 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:22,358 Over 40 of his fellow cobblers attended 276 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:26,115 to pay tribute to 'im and sing in ze church. 277 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:30,193 And I've never heard such a lot of... 278 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:34,114 people of that profession singing hymns. 279 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,790 René, General von Klinkerhoffen is coming to your café. 280 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:46,237 - Are the satisfied the sausages are safe? - They are well-hung. 281 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,039 Am I missing something? 282 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:51,951 Stand up! 283 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:55,077 Pay attention. General Erich von Klinkerhoffen. 284 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,118 - I say, what's going on? - It's the Jerry general. 285 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,909 - Talk and you'll be shot. - We're in the right clobber. 286 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,031 General von Klinkerhoffen. 287 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,156 - Heil Hitler. - (All) Heil Hitler. 288 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,800 Heil-a Mussolini! 289 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:18,590 Mussolini never go well. 290 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,271 It has been brought to my notice 291 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:25,750 that no peasants will consent to work in the vineyard. 292 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:29,435 Everyone present is recruited for forced labour. 293 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,476 Names will be taken. 294 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,313 You will assemble at dawn in ze town square 295 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,790 and will march under escort to your destination. 296 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,314 Take ze names, Gruber. Heil Hitler! 297 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,311 (All) Heil Hitler. 298 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,719 (Clunk) 299 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,916 Ze German swine. 300 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,870 I agree with her. 301 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,476 Stop it. 302 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,598 Quick, quick. Hurry up, you peasants. 303 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,831 Get into line. Quickly. Quick, quick. 304 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,878 Shoo! Shoo! Quickly. Hurry up. 305 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,552 Quick. 306 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,551 To think that I have come to this. 307 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,200 I, René Artois - a slave labourer. 308 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,111 Every cloud 'as a silver lining. 309 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,272 At the vineyard, we can search for the miniature camera. 310 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,430 - Shh. - (Gruber) Attention! 311 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,671 You will follow me in my little tank. 312 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:30,548 Runaways and stragglers will be shot 313 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,437 with my big gun. 314 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,829 Attention! 315 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,076 Clarence, forwards. 316 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:46,116 (Engine grinds) 317 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:03,438 (Gruber) What is going on? What do you mean, the battery's flat? 318 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,158 Oh. 319 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,276 I think I need a little push. 320 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,956 Push, push. 321 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,911 Keep picking. 322 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,037 And I do not wish to see any squashy ones. 323 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,274 Psst. 324 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,590 Keep your eye open for the camera. 325 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,636 Oh, you can rely on us. 326 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,951 When you find it, 'ide it secretly on your person. 327 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:53,956 Hey, what do you think? I 'ave found a camera. 328 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,598 (All) Shh! 329 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,319 Idiot. That is what we are looking for. 330 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,596 Where is Michelle? 331 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,797 She is not here but they took 'er name in the café. 332 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:10,873 If they find out she is missing, they'll find her and shoot her. 333 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,837 Oh, my God. 334 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,390 Somebody is bringing your mother in a wheelchair. 335 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,631 Oh dear. I hope she's well wrapped up. 336 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,469 It is I, Michelle. 337 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,074 What have you brought her 'ere for? 338 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,594 The General is coming to supervise the vintage 339 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,912 and to test the wine from the cellar that they requisitioned. 340 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,992 I have brought these tablets. Zey are poison. 341 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,355 Wh... 342 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,431 M Alfonse, you will place one 343 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,432 in the wine that is being tasted by the General. 344 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,557 He will die but the poison will leave no trace. 345 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,871 But mademoiselle, everyone will think my wine has killed 'im. 346 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,837 My business will be ruined. 347 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,195 You will be doing it for France. 348 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,748 Yes and if zat goes wrong, 349 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:07,834 we have a reserve plan to kill ze German swine. 350 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,149 (Gruber) Nobody is treading the grapes. 351 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,708 Into ze barrels, tread ze grapes. 352 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,030 Everyone, take your shoes off. 353 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,391 Except you. 354 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,033 Well. 355 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,190 Ye... er, thank you, Lieutenant. 356 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,632 (Squelching) 357 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:40,676 Urgh. 358 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,752 One, two, one, two. 359 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:49,276 Ooh. To feel the juice swelling up between the toes 360 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,476 is quite sexy, is it not? 361 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,915 It might be exciting your bunions, Edith, 362 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,753 but it is doing very little for me. 363 00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,594 Maybe it will cure your athlete's foot. 364 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,877 Come, Colonel. The chateau has a good reputation. 365 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,315 Let's taste the wine. 366 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,037 René, look! It is General von Klinkerhoffen. 367 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,912 Welcome, General, 368 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,389 to your commandeered vineyard. 369 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,359 We have been told your '32 is very good. Do you have a sample? 370 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,874 I have samples for every year 371 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:42,316 but I doubt the General will be able to taste them all. 372 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,076 This is ze '38. 373 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:51,076 (Coughs) Pardon. 374 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,355 You do not taste your own wine? 375 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:17,317 Of course. 376 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,670 Excellent. 377 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,513 Ze connoisseurs, of course, do not consume ze wine, 378 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,716 - they schpit it out. - Of course. 379 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,634 We must do the same. We must not look like barbarians. 380 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,635 And this, erm, is the 1937. 381 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,679 It may be a little rough in the aftertaste. 382 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,716 Thank you. 383 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,116 Psst. It is no good, he is spitting it all out. 384 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:11,272 I was relying on 'im consuming at least three glasses. 385 00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:15,273 Good, we can give up. Get your shoes off and start treading. 386 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,271 No, we 'ave ze other plan. 387 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:19,590 Beneath ze wheelchair of your wife's mother 388 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:22,399 is a big shell case filled with explosives. 389 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,550 It is connected to an alarm clock 390 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:26,915 which Mimi will now activate. 391 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:38,634 René, they must not blow up my mother. 392 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:41,678 No. Not at this close range, anyway. 393 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,469 Don't worry, she has been well-briefed. 394 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:49,633 When it rings, she will leap out of the chair and take cover. 395 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,759 Five seconds later, there will be a big explosion. 396 00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,954 - Did you activate the clock? - Yes. 397 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,634 I found zis on ze floor. 398 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:06,554 - That is the detonator. - Will it explode without it? 399 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,200 No but it will fizz a lot. 400 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,159 - What is this one? - The '32. 401 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,470 Excellent. Do you not think so, Colonel? 402 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:24,712 - Quite a poem. - I will have six cases. 403 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,870 Helga, you must try this. 404 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:31,072 Madame, do you enjoy wine? 405 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:34,470 Enjoy it? Young man, 406 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,835 I am a connoisseur. 407 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,029 I know zat we are enemies but not, I hope, 408 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,714 - in ze presence of great wine. - Please. 409 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,791 Allow me. 410 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,671 (Alarm rings) 411 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:00,437 René, she cannot hear without her ear trumpet. 412 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,511 Get her out. 413 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,631 What is your opinion, madame? 414 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:09,679 - (Fizzing) - I think it is a very good... 415 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,557 Cancel the six cases.