WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
Once again, my instincts for self-preservation
have triumphed over my patriotism...
and I am about to leg it to the Spanish border.
The reason is very simple.
Last night, Lieutenant Gruber arrived with the paintings
of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies by Van Clomp
and the Cracked Vase With The Big Daisies by Van Gogh.
There were four forgeries and two originals
which he had cleverly concealed, once again,
inside knockwurst sausages.
Unfortunately, these sausages became confused
with four sausages containing dynamite,
four sausages containing submarine batteries
and eight Italian salami sausages
containing garlic.
All of these sausage are now
down the trousers of Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber.
Except for two which are in the buttoned-up bosom
of the already well-endowed Helga, the Colonel's secretary.
Sooner or later, something has got to give
and I do not want to be there when it happens.
Ah, er, Michelle, how nice to see you.
Where are you going?
- Just to the barber's. - With a suitcase?
I am saving my hair to stuff something with.
If you run out on us, you will find a bullet in your back
before the stationmaster can wag his flag.
I will go by bus.
- I have serious news. Sit down. - Oh.
London has sent us a spy camera
to photograph the plans for the invasion which are in the safe,
which we intend to blow up, in the chateau.
The parachute carrying the spy camera was blown off course
and has landed in the vineyard of M Alfonse.
Well, I am sure if you ask him for it, he will let you have it.
Yesterday, the German swine requisitioned the vineyard.
So the village refused to work for zem.
If they do, they will be shot by the Communist Resistance.
No one can go near.
We must radio London to say there will be a delay.
Where are the batteries?
Down the trousers of Lieutenant Gruber.
Does he know?
He does now. He crossed his legs and shorted himself out.
Never mind. We will use the bicycle.
And we still have the dynamite.
No, the dynamite is mostly down the trousers of the Colonel.
Can I trust you with nothing?
I make plans, I devise schemes,
I conceive complicated plots and always you screw them up.
- That is not fair... - Do you not understand?
I am writing my memoirs to sell after ze war.
So far, I am looking a right twit.
Is your name René Artois?
Er, yes. Er, welcome to my café.
We are closed.
Upon ze orders of Colonel von Strohm, I am placing you under arrest.
What? But... Michelle! Do something. Help me.
You. You know zis man?
I've never seen him before in my life. Heil Hitler!
Oh, thank you.
Colonel, the prisoner is outside.
Bring him in.
(Yells) Bring the prisoner in here!
- Heil Hitler! - Heil Hitler.
Leave us.
Colonel, Lieutenant, what have I done?
René, ve are very cross with you.
Yes, René, you have a lot of explaining to do.
Ve examined the sausages and ve got quite a shock.
Especially me.
Four of them contained batteries stolen from the submarine
and the two concealed in my bosom were dynamite.
Own up. You've been verking with the Resistance again.
Oh, no, you are quite wrong, Colonel. You see, er,
hearing that the submarine batteries had been stolen,
I sent a message to the Resistance, who I do not know.
But I told them that if they did not return the batteries,
I would refuse to serve them in my café...
if I ever found out who they were.
The batteries came back. I was about to return them when the General arrived.
How do you account for this dynamite in my bosom?
Well, er...
As I understand it, the spark from the batteries
was to be used to explode the dynamite,
so without the batteries, the dynamite was no use,
so that is why they sent it back.
It's all perfectly logical if you think about it.
- I am thinking about it. - Supposing the spark
had exploded some of the dynamite down my trousers.
I have not even made a vill.
You would have died intestate.
And what about the dynamite I was carrying?
Could not the heat of my bosom have caused a reaction?
I could well believe it.
It all sounds very suspicious, René.
On ze other hand,
the General will be very pleased when we return the batteries
and, without René, would we have them?
True. Just this once, René,
- we'll overlook this incident. - Thank you, Colonel.
Providing you hide the painting of the Fallen Madonna.
- Oh, no, not again. - You will do as I tell you!
Colonel, that's dynamite.
(All scream)
I could have killed myself.
You could have killed all of us.
We must be more careful. Now, vich sausage is vich?
Erm, these two and that and that are dynamite.
- These four are batteries. - Not next to each other!
Of course.
Now, what about the paintings?
These two are forgeries
of The Cracked Vase With The Big Daisies by Van Gogh,
which go to the General, one of which he'll send to Hitler,
believing it is a forgery. The other he will keep,
believing it is a genuine Van Gogh but which is a forgery.
That one is the original Van Gogh
which we promised to allow René to keep
so that he can sell it after the war.
Hands up all those who think he should not have it.
Carried unanimously.
- Carry on, Gruber. - These two are forgeries
of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies
which were to go to Herr Flick. One he will send to Hitler.
The other he will keep, believing it is the original
which he can sell but which is, like this, a forgery.
And anyway, neither of which he needs at the moment.
- Why is this? - Herr Flick is in the nick.
What for?
For spying on me wearing Helga's clothes.
Why were you wearing Helga's clothes?
I wasn't wearing Helga's clothes, he was wearing Helga's clothes.
- Go on, Gruber! - Finally, zis is ze genuine van Clomp.
René, you will take all these
and the Italian salami
and you will hide it in your kitchen, on your sausage rack.
- Yes, Colonel, thank you. - Colonel,
might not a man carrying so many sausages
in wartime arouse suspicion?
True, Helga. We must hide them.
- Where? - That's very simple.
Oh, no. I...
Oh...
She is in here.
Ah, good morning, Frau Kinkenrotten.
Close ze door and go avay.
Thank Himmler you are here. Ze swine have put me on ze rack.
I ordered it.
You ordered it? Why did you order it, you oversized fruit bat?
I told them I wish to interrogate you
so that we could discuss your escape in general terms.
For the sake of reality, could you give, from time to time,
a little scream?
Certainly not.
- (Creaking) - Aah!
Yvette, why do you cry?
Oh, poor René. At zis very moment,
he could be suffering torture at ze hands of ze Colonel.
Tears will not help him.
Only a bold, brave plan can save him now.
And we do not 'ave one.
Good moaning.
Oh.
It is that English idiot who speaks bad French.
Maybe he can 'elp us.
Aah!
Officer Crabtree, René 'as been arrested.
Yes, I just hid the bad nose.
We must roscue him before he drops us all in the shoot.
- But what can we do? - Mme Edith is beside herself.
If he reveals my disgeez,
I will be up the creek without a piddle.
Madame Edith, why are you dressed zis way?
It is the time for the action.
I will rescue my brave René.
I will storm into the office of the Colonel,
I will show him this hand grenade,
I will remove the pin with my teeth
and I will tell him to release René or we will all die.
This is rosky in daylight.
Why do you not wait until it is dick?
We must strike now.
Make sure the coast is clear.
I will look outsod.
It is the Italian captain. He may recognise me.
He is wicking this woo.
I must hide.
♪ Is-a now or never
♪ Come-a hold me tight ♪
Good-a morning. Nice-a day.
Yes, indood.
Heil-a Hitler.
Heil Mussolini.
(# O sole mio)
(Blowing noisily)
You are very small for the army.
Mind your own business.
Heil Hitler.
- Edith? - René, you are safe.
What are you holding in your hand?
If the Colonel wouldn't release you,
I was going to blow up his office with a grenade.
A grenade? My God, give that to me before you blow us all up.
- No. - Edith,
promise me you won't touch one of these again.
Oh, very well.
But I will keep this as a souvenir.
Oh, my God.
I turn my back for five minutes and you demolish the town convenience.
Yvette, we need you behind the bar. Why are you taking so long?
Oh, I was hanging zem up and I went into a daydream.
And I thought about all the happy times we have 'ad in 'ere.
Oh, Yvette, my little tiger.
Oh, René, my big, cuddly bear.
My little chicken.
- My big turkey. Oh. - Oh.
- Oh, 'old me. - Oh.
- Kiss me. - Oh.
When are we going to get married?
Ah, well, I am sorry, Yvette.
First I must marry Edith to get my café back.
Oh, but René, I cannot stand ze waiting,
ze longing, ze yearning.
Oh, how my heart pounds and flutters.
Can you not feel it through your apron?
I thought you had a wild pigeon in there.
- Oh! - René!
What are you doing with your arms around that girl?
You stupid woman!
Can you not see she is suffering from claustrophobia?
(Gasping)
She accidentally locked herself in the larder.
But there is no key.
Of course there is no key. That is why she could not get out.
- (Yvette gasping) - There, are you feeling better?
- Thank you, René. - Oh, the poor child.
It happened to me, once.
My heart fluttered like a wild pigeon.
I screamed and screamed but nobody came.
We thought you were singing.
'Ere is the schnapps.
And if you would like a little fun and games upstairs,
it will be 1,000 francs.
There is my card with my address.
"Mimi La Bonque.
"Turn left at the top of the stairs,
"second door past the linen cupboard."
Pss-pss.
My home is next to hers.
I am half-price.
Dah!
Now, Yvette, clean those tables.
René, every bone in my body is aching for you.
Come to me at midnight in ze airing cupboard.
Mimi, my wife may not be asleep
and besides, it is very warm in there next to the hot-water tank.
I think I can fix the old boiler with a hammer.
Might be kinder if you gave her a sleeping pill.
Dear Mme Edith, I bring you lilies.
Oh, how thoughtful. I will put them in water.
I was about to place them on the grave of my late uncle
when I thought to myself, "What the heck."
All he left me was a rolled-gold half hunter which would not tick.
- How is my mother? - Oh.
She sat up beside me on the hearse
when we buried M Saulier, the cobbler.
She had the time of her life.
Edith, what is going on?
I had to spring-clean the room of my mother where the British airmen hide.
And M Alfonse kindly consented to take them
to the funeral of the cobbler.
It was a notable occasion.
Over 40 of his fellow cobblers attended
to pay tribute to 'im and sing in ze church.
And I've never heard such a lot of...
people of that profession singing hymns.
René, General von Klinkerhoffen is coming to your café.
- Are the satisfied the sausages are safe? - They are well-hung.
Am I missing something?
Stand up!
Pay attention. General Erich von Klinkerhoffen.
- I say, what's going on? - It's the Jerry general.
- Talk and you'll be shot. - We're in the right clobber.
General von Klinkerhoffen.
- Heil Hitler. - (All) Heil Hitler.
Heil-a Mussolini!
Mussolini never go well.
It has been brought to my notice
that no peasants will consent to work in the vineyard.
Everyone present is recruited for forced labour.
Names will be taken.
You will assemble at dawn in ze town square
and will march under escort to your destination.
Take ze names, Gruber. Heil Hitler!
(All) Heil Hitler.
(Clunk)
Ze German swine.
I agree with her.
Stop it.
Quick, quick. Hurry up, you peasants.
Get into line. Quickly. Quick, quick.
Shoo! Shoo! Quickly. Hurry up.
Quick.
To think that I have come to this.
I, René Artois - a slave labourer.
Every cloud 'as a silver lining.
At the vineyard, we can search for the miniature camera.
- Shh. - (Gruber) Attention!
You will follow me in my little tank.
Runaways and stragglers will be shot
with my big gun.
Attention!
Clarence, forwards.
(Engine grinds)
(Gruber) What is going on? What do you mean, the battery's flat?
Oh.
I think I need a little push.
Push, push.
Keep picking.
And I do not wish to see any squashy ones.
Psst.
Keep your eye open for the camera.
Oh, you can rely on us.
When you find it, 'ide it secretly on your person.
Hey, what do you think? I 'ave found a camera.
(All) Shh!
Idiot. That is what we are looking for.
Where is Michelle?
She is not here but they took 'er name in the café.
If they find out she is missing, they'll find her and shoot her.
Oh, my God.
Somebody is bringing your mother in a wheelchair.
Oh dear. I hope she's well wrapped up.
It is I, Michelle.
What have you brought her 'ere for?
The General is coming to supervise the vintage
and to test the wine from the cellar that they requisitioned.
I have brought these tablets. Zey are poison.
Wh...
M Alfonse, you will place one
in the wine that is being tasted by the General.
He will die but the poison will leave no trace.
But mademoiselle, everyone will think my wine has killed 'im.
My business will be ruined.
You will be doing it for France.
Yes and if zat goes wrong,
we have a reserve plan to kill ze German swine.
(Gruber) Nobody is treading the grapes.
Into ze barrels, tread ze grapes.
Everyone, take your shoes off.
Except you.
Well.
Ye... er, thank you, Lieutenant.
(Squelching)
Urgh.
One, two, one, two.
Ooh. To feel the juice swelling up between the toes
is quite sexy, is it not?
It might be exciting your bunions, Edith,
but it is doing very little for me.
Maybe it will cure your athlete's foot.
Come, Colonel. The chateau has a good reputation.
Let's taste the wine.
René, look! It is General von Klinkerhoffen.
Welcome, General,
to your commandeered vineyard.
We have been told your '32 is very good. Do you have a sample?
I have samples for every year
but I doubt the General will be able to taste them all.
This is ze '38.
(Coughs) Pardon.
You do not taste your own wine?
Of course.
Excellent.
Ze connoisseurs, of course, do not consume ze wine,
- they schpit it out. - Of course.
We must do the same. We must not look like barbarians.
And this, erm, is the 1937.
It may be a little rough in the aftertaste.
Thank you.
Psst. It is no good, he is spitting it all out.
I was relying on 'im consuming at least three glasses.
Good, we can give up. Get your shoes off and start treading.
No, we 'ave ze other plan.
Beneath ze wheelchair of your wife's mother
is a big shell case filled with explosives.
It is connected to an alarm clock
which Mimi will now activate.
René, they must not blow up my mother.
No. Not at this close range, anyway.
Don't worry, she has been well-briefed.
When it rings, she will leap out of the chair and take cover.
Five seconds later, there will be a big explosion.
- Did you activate the clock? - Yes.
I found zis on ze floor.
- That is the detonator. - Will it explode without it?
No but it will fizz a lot.
- What is this one? - The '32.
Excellent. Do you not think so, Colonel?
- Quite a poem. - I will have six cases.
Helga, you must try this.
Madame, do you enjoy wine?
Enjoy it? Young man,
I am a connoisseur.
I know zat we are enemies but not, I hope,
- in ze presence of great wine. - Please.
Allow me.
(Alarm rings)
René, she cannot hear without her ear trumpet.
Get her out.
What is your opinion, madame?
- (Fizzing) - I think it is a very good...
Cancel the six cases.