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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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( theme music playing )
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YOU MUST EXCUSE ME
FOR BEING OUT OF BREATH,
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BUT I HAVE JUST
BEEN ENDEAVORING
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TO LAUNCH
A LONG DISTANCE DUCK.
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THIS LONG DISTANCE DUCK
IS A LONG DISTANCE LADY DUCK.
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SHE IS CARRYING
A MICRODOT FILM
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FOR THE PLAN
OF THE INVASION OF ENGLAND.
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IT IS ATTACHED TO HER LEG
BY A CORN PLASTER.
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UNFORTUNATELY,
DESPITE THE COMBINED EFFORTS
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OF MYSELF, MY WIFE
AND HALF THE VILLAGE,
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SHE STEADFASTLY REFUSED
TO TAKE OFF.
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SHE WAS LAST SEEN
WALKING PAST THE POST OFFICE.
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RENE,
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IT IS QUARTER PAST 3:00.
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- SO?
- IT IS TIME TO FEED
THE BABY DUCKS.
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( ducks peep )
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EVEN AS I SPEAK,
YOUR BRAVE MOTHER
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IS WALKING DOWN
THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD
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TOWARDS ENGLAND.
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ONE GERMAN CONVOY
AND YOU WILL ALL BE ORPHANS.
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SHUSH, YOU HAVE MADE
ONE OF THEM FAINT--
HE HAS FALLEN OVER.
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IT IS PROBABLY LACK OF FOOD.
WHY HAVE YOU NOT FED THEM?
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I PREPARED
SOME WARM CARROT SOUP,
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BUT MICHELLE SAID
THEY HAD TO BE FED
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WITH A FOUNTAIN PEN
FILLER,
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AND I COULD NOT
FIND ONE.
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HAVE YOU
NO IMAGINATION?
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POUR IT DOWN
THE BIG END
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OF YOUR MOTHER'S
EAR TRUMPET.
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I AM NOT POURING
CARROT SOUP
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DOWN MY MOTHER'S
EAR TRUMPET.
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YOU HAD BETTER
DO SOMETHING
AND QUICKLY--
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ANOTHER ONE
HAS FALLEN OVER.
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OH MY GOD...
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I WILL GET
THE EAR TRUMPET.
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YVETTE, WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN?
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WE SHOULD BE OPEN
BY NOW.
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RENE, MADAME EDITH
SENT ME TO THE MARKET
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TO BUY SOME CLOTHES
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FOR THE GIRLS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,
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THE ONES THAT ARE
HIDING UPSTAIRS.
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WHAT HAVE
YOU BOUGHT THEM?
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IN A MARKET I FOUND
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SOME CHEAP
SERVING MAIDS' UNIFORMS,
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SO THEY CAN WORK
IN THE KITCHEN.
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WITH THE CHANGE,
I BOUGHT MYSELF
THIS HAT.
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WHEN WE RUN AWAY
TO GET MARRIED,
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I CAN WEAR IT
ON MY HONEYMOON.
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NOT ALL THE TIME.
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RENE, KISS ME;
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CRUSH THE BREATH
FROM MY BODY;
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SEND THE BLOOD
POUNDING THROUGH
MY VEINS.
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OH MY PASSIONATE ONE,
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I CAN FEEL YOU
WRIGGLING WITH ECSTASY.
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I AM TRYING
NOT TO SNEEZE.
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GO QUICKLY
BEFORE EDITH
RETURNS.
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RENE,
THE COMMUNIST GIRLS
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HAVE THROWN ME
OUT OF MY BEDROOM
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AND FORCED ME TO SLEEP
IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD.
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LOOK ON
THE BRIGHT SIDE, MIMI.
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AT LEAST YOU WILL BE
NICE AND WARM.
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IT IS RIGHT NEXT
TO THE HOT WATER TANK.
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IT IS ALSO NEXT
TO YOUR ROOM.
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COME TO ME
AT MIDNIGHT.
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WE CAN MAKE
WILD, PASSIONATE,
RATHER CRAMPED LOVE.
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MY DEAR SWEET MIMI,
YOU SWEET, RANDY CHILD,
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IT IS TOO RISKY.
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HOW MUCH LONGER
MUST I REMAIN
UNFULFILLED?
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CERTAINLY UNTIL YOU GET
YOUR ROOM BACK.
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QUICK-- I HEAR EDITH
COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.
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RENE,
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YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME,
DENISE LAROQUE,
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LEADER OF THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE,
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TO WEAR THESE RAGS?
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DO NOT BLAME ME, MY LOVE.
BLAME MADAME EDITH.
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SHE GAVE THE GIRL
SO LITTLE,
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SHE WAS NOT ABLE
TO AFFORD ANYTHING BETTER.
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DO YOU NOT HAVE MONEY?
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YES, BUT IT IS
IN THE TILL.
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EDITH KEEPS THE KEY.
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THE SOONER THIS WOMAN
IS DEAD, THE BETTER.
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DENISE, NOT THAT,
NOT NOW, NOT HERE--
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WE ARE OPEN!
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( gun fires )
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HERE, TAKE THIS.
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YOU WILL BUY
TWO WAITRESSES' OUTFITS
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SO THAT WE CAN POSE HERE
AS SERVING GIRLS.
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YES. WHAT SIZE?
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16 TOP,
10 BOTTOM-- LONG.
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16 TOP...
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00:04:09,152 --> 00:04:11,485
YES, I WILL
MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.
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BLOOD OF MY LIFE,
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MY HEART POUNDS
LIKE A SEA OF PASSION,
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CRASHING ON THE ROCKS
OF MY DESIRE.
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I HAVE BUT
TO LOOK AT YOU
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AND I SEE CLOUDS
SCUDDING ACROSS
THE MOON,
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TREES BENDING
ON A TROPICAL SHORE.
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DID YOU HAVE CHEESE
FOR SUPPER?
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YOU WILL COME
TO ME TONIGHT
AT MIDNIGHT.
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BUT YOU ARE SHARING
A ROOM WITH LOUISE.
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I WILL DANGLE HER
OUT OF THE WINDOW.
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UNTIL TONIGHT.
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YES.
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RENE!
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LOUISE,
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
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I THOUGHT
YOU WERE HIDING
IN MIMI'S ROOM.
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I CLIMBED DOWN
THE DRAINPIPE.
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ALL THIS MORNING,
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DENISE HAS MADE ME
DANGLE OUT OF THE WINDOW.
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SHE SAID IT WAS PRACTICE
FOR A SPECIAL EMERGENCY.
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DID SHE SAY
WHAT KIND OF EMERGENCY?
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SHE PLAYS EVERYTHING
VERY CLOSE TO HER CHEST.
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THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE.
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- RENE...
- YES?
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I KNOW THAT SHE IS
IN LOVE WITH YOU,
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BUT MY PASSION
IS GREATER THAN
HER PASSION.
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INSIDE ME SURGES
A NEED,
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WANTS TO MAKE ME
PLUNGE UPON THE ROCKS
OF YOUR MANHOOD
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AND TUMBLE US BOTH
INTO A WHIRLPOOL
OF ECSTASY.
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MY GOD,
AND I CANNOT EVEN SWIM.
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BECAUSE OF DENISE,
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YOU CANNOT COME
TO MY ROOM AT MIDNIGHT--
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I WILL COME TO YOURS.
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THAT IS NOT
VERY CONVENIENT.
125
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THEN I WILL DANGLE
OUT OF MY WINDOW,
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AND YOU WILL DANGLE
OUT OF YOURS.
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WE WILL MEET
ON THE PARAPET
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AND MAKE WILD,
ABANDONED LOVE.
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IT WILL BE A NIGHT
TO REMEMBER.
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IT WILL CERTAINLY
BE A TALKING POINT
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AMONGST
THE NEIGHBORS.
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I MUST GO NOW
AND DO 500 PRESS-UPS
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SO THAT I WILL
BE STRONG FOR YOU.
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( groans )
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MY GOD,
WHAT A MESS I AM IN.
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WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME
137
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THAT MAKES NICE GIRLS
INTO HOOLIGANS?
138
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CAN NOBODY RESIST ME?
139
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GOOD AFTERNOON,
RENE.
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COLONEL,
HE IS ALONE.
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GOOD.
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LOCK THE DOOR.
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RENE, WE HAVE
A PROBLEM.
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- OH?
- YOU EXPLAIN IT,
GRUBER--
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YOU'RE GOOD
AT DETAILS.
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RENE, DO YOU RECALL
THAT A SHORT TIME AGO
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YOU STUFFED A MILLION FRANCS
DOWN MY TROUSERS?
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IT IS NOT A THING
ONE WOULD EASILY FORGET.
149
00:06:45,008 --> 00:06:50,077
IT WOULD APPEAR
THAT 25,000 FRANCS
ARE MISSING,
150
00:06:50,079 --> 00:06:52,747
AND SOME OF THIS MONEY
HAS BEEN TRACED
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00:06:52,749 --> 00:06:54,883
TO THE UNDERTAKER
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
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HE IS NOW IN THE HANDS
OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.
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UNDER INTERROGATION,
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HE MAY REVEAL
WHERE THE MONEY CAME FROM
155
00:07:02,225 --> 00:07:04,358
AND IT COULD, PERHAPS,
BE TRACED TO YOU.
156
00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:07,529
YOU, UNDER INTERROGATION,
157
00:07:07,531 --> 00:07:10,965
MAY REVEAL THAT YOU PUT IT
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
158
00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:13,768
I WILL TRY VERY HARD
TO NOT REVEAL THAT.
159
00:07:13,770 --> 00:07:15,770
WE CANNOT
TAKE THAT CHANCE.
160
00:07:15,772 --> 00:07:17,238
BUT WHAT CAN
WE DO?
161
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,840
WE MUST STOP
THE ROT NOW,
162
00:07:18,842 --> 00:07:21,576
BEFORE THE UNDERTAKER
IMPLICATES YOU.
163
00:07:21,578 --> 00:07:23,044
HE MUST BE SILENCED.
164
00:07:23,046 --> 00:07:24,812
BUT HOW CAN
WE DO THIS?
165
00:07:24,814 --> 00:07:27,782
THE COLONEL HAS A PLAN
AND THESE ARE YOUR ORDERS:
166
00:07:27,784 --> 00:07:31,853
YOU MUST GET YOUR WIFE
TO MAKE A SMALL PASTY,
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INTO WHICH YOU WILL PUT
THIS SUICIDE PILL.
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YOU WILL CHUCK IT THROUGH
THE BARS OF HIS CELL,
169
00:07:38,094 --> 00:07:40,327
HE WILL GOBBLE IT UP
AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF IT.
170
00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,329
COLONEL,
I COULD NOT DO THAT--
171
00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:43,665
HE IS A FRIEND
OF MINE.
172
00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:47,035
IN THAT CASE, THERE IS
ANOTHER WAY TO STOP THE ROT--
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00:07:47,037 --> 00:07:49,871
YOU TAKE
THE PILL... NOW.
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EXCUSE ME,
I CANNOT BEAR TO WATCH.
175
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:56,410
YOU WILL NOT
HAVE TO WATCH,
LIEUTENANT.
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00:07:56,412 --> 00:07:57,845
I HARDLY KNOW
THE UNDERTAKER--
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00:07:57,847 --> 00:08:00,281
I AM SURE HE WILL BE HAPPY
TO DIE FOR FRANCE.
178
00:08:00,283 --> 00:08:01,449
HE IS VERY OLD,
ANYWAY.
179
00:08:01,451 --> 00:08:03,851
YOUR FIRST PLAN
WAS THE BEST.
180
00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:07,321
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
181
00:08:07,323 --> 00:08:09,423
YOU WOULD BE WELL ADVISED
TO TALK TO ME
182
00:08:09,425 --> 00:08:11,459
BEFORE HERR FLICK
RETURNS.
183
00:08:11,461 --> 00:08:13,595
I HAVE TOLD YOU
ALL I KNOW, MONSIEUR.
184
00:08:16,198 --> 00:08:19,266
I AM JUST A POOR,
HONEST UNDERTAKER
185
00:08:19,268 --> 00:08:22,203
AND PROPRIETOR OF THE
HAIRDRESSING ESTABLISHMENT.
186
00:08:24,339 --> 00:08:28,009
ONE OF MY CUSTOMERS MUST HAVE
PASSED TO ME THE MONEY.
187
00:08:28,011 --> 00:08:30,277
WHICH ONE IT WAS,
I KNOW NOT.
188
00:08:30,279 --> 00:08:31,445
THIS IS NOT--
189
00:08:31,447 --> 00:08:33,447
OOOHH!
190
00:08:36,251 --> 00:08:38,185
HERR FLICK
INSTRUCTED ME
191
00:08:38,187 --> 00:08:39,887
TO DEAL
WITH THE PRISONER.
192
00:08:39,889 --> 00:08:41,222
IN WHAT WAY?
193
00:08:41,224 --> 00:08:43,224
YOU HAVE HEARD
ABOUT THE VELVET GLOVE?
194
00:08:43,226 --> 00:08:44,592
YES I HAVE,
195
00:08:44,594 --> 00:08:46,928
BUT WHAT EXACTLY
DO YOU DO WITH IT?
196
00:08:47,963 --> 00:08:48,963
LEAVE US.
197
00:08:48,965 --> 00:08:51,232
I WILL WAIT
IN MY CUPBOARD.
198
00:08:56,839 --> 00:08:58,272
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
199
00:08:58,274 --> 00:09:00,374
I AM COMPLETELY
AT YOUR MERCY,
200
00:09:00,376 --> 00:09:02,443
BUT I MUST TELL YOU,
201
00:09:02,445 --> 00:09:04,478
IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN
A VELVET GLOVE
202
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,280
TO BREAK DOWN
MY RESOLUTION...
203
00:09:07,516 --> 00:09:08,750
I THINK.
204
00:09:10,185 --> 00:09:12,253
I WISH TO HELP YOU.
205
00:09:12,255 --> 00:09:15,356
I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION
ONE QUARTER OF THIS MONEY.
206
00:09:15,358 --> 00:09:16,624
IF HERR FLICK
FINDS OUT,
207
00:09:16,626 --> 00:09:19,027
I WILL BE
IN THAT CHAIR
INSTEAD OF YOU.
208
00:09:19,029 --> 00:09:20,928
I AM HERE
TO HELP YOU ESCAPE.
209
00:09:20,930 --> 00:09:24,065
HOW DO I KNOW THIS IS NOT
SOME GESTAPO SUBTERFUGE?
210
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:26,467
I HAVE WITH ME
THE MONEY.
211
00:09:26,469 --> 00:09:28,970
I SHALL RECOGNIZE IT.
212
00:09:28,972 --> 00:09:30,504
IT IS IN BIG ONES.
213
00:09:35,243 --> 00:09:37,311
THOSE ARE
THE BIG ONES.
214
00:09:39,081 --> 00:09:41,649
I HAVE ALSO
THE BLADE OF A HACKSAW.
215
00:09:49,191 --> 00:09:50,792
BLACK SUSPENDERS.
216
00:09:51,794 --> 00:09:54,295
OH MY DICKY TICKER.
217
00:09:58,366 --> 00:09:59,867
WHAT IS
GOING ON HERE?
218
00:09:59,869 --> 00:10:02,269
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS HAVING
A HEART ATTACK.
219
00:10:03,471 --> 00:10:05,807
HE MUST NOT DIE
AND TAKE WITH HIM
THE SECRET.
220
00:10:05,809 --> 00:10:07,208
WE MUST PUT HIM
IN HOSPITAL.
221
00:10:07,210 --> 00:10:08,342
SEND FOR THE AMBULANCE.
222
00:10:08,344 --> 00:10:09,610
OH MY GOD!
223
00:10:12,314 --> 00:10:14,215
OH, BLACK SUSPENDERS.
224
00:10:16,885 --> 00:10:19,754
GOOD EVENING, JACQUES.
GOOD EVENING, GILLES.
225
00:10:23,358 --> 00:10:25,025
WHERE ARE THE STAFF?
226
00:10:25,027 --> 00:10:27,327
EDITH, WHERE ARE YOU?
227
00:10:27,329 --> 00:10:29,897
WE ARE OPEN!
MIMI? YVETTE?
228
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:33,768
I AM SORRY, RENE.
229
00:10:33,770 --> 00:10:36,203
I WAS JUST FEEDING
THE BABY DUCKS
THEIR SUPPER.
230
00:10:36,205 --> 00:10:38,338
HAVE YOU MADE THE PASTY
WITH THE POISON PILL?
231
00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:39,707
I HAVE IT HERE.
232
00:10:39,709 --> 00:10:41,542
GOOD MOANING.
233
00:10:41,544 --> 00:10:44,311
OH MY GOD.
234
00:10:44,313 --> 00:10:46,680
GOOD EVENING,
OFFICER OF THE LAW.
235
00:10:46,682 --> 00:10:48,416
WHAT CAN WE DO
FOR YOU?
236
00:10:48,418 --> 00:10:50,584
I WAS WICKING
ALONG THE STROOT
237
00:10:50,586 --> 00:10:53,754
AND SUDDENLY I LOOKED
AT MY WATCH AND SAW
THE TOMB.
238
00:10:55,356 --> 00:10:58,225
"GOOD GROCIOUS,"
I SAHD TO MYSELF,
239
00:10:58,227 --> 00:10:59,627
"I SHOULD BE SPOKING
240
00:10:59,629 --> 00:11:02,630
TO MY OPPOSITE NIMBER
IN LONDON ON THE ROODIO."
241
00:11:02,632 --> 00:11:05,933
LOOK, IT IS
A QUITTER PAST SOX.
242
00:11:05,935 --> 00:11:07,568
HE IS QUITE RIGHT.
243
00:11:07,570 --> 00:11:08,569
COME ON.
244
00:11:20,014 --> 00:11:21,081
AARGH!
245
00:11:24,285 --> 00:11:26,119
A POLICEMAN, GOOD.
246
00:11:26,121 --> 00:11:30,825
SOME VILLAIN HAS STOLEN
FROM ME MY EAR TRUMPET.
247
00:11:30,827 --> 00:11:34,094
IT HAS NOT BEEN
REPOTTED TO MOO.
248
00:11:34,096 --> 00:11:35,463
WHAT?
249
00:11:36,898 --> 00:11:38,899
EDITH HAS IT.
250
00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:42,402
EDITH,
GIVE THIS OLD BAT
HER EAR TRUMPET.
251
00:11:42,404 --> 00:11:44,271
I AM SORRY, MAMMA.
HERE IT IS.
252
00:11:44,273 --> 00:11:47,107
AND WHERE IS
MY SUPPER?
253
00:11:47,109 --> 00:11:48,843
LATER, MAMMA, LATER.
254
00:11:48,845 --> 00:11:50,177
QUICK, THE RADIO!
255
00:11:58,887 --> 00:12:02,222
I WILL SPOOK
TO MY SECRET HEADQUITTERS.
256
00:12:02,224 --> 00:12:05,192
DO THEY SPOOK
IN ENGLISH OR FRONCH?
257
00:12:05,194 --> 00:12:07,027
WE SPEAK IN FRONCH.
258
00:12:08,830 --> 00:12:12,900
'ALLO, 'ALLO.
SECRET AGENT CRABTREE COOLING.
259
00:12:12,902 --> 00:12:16,804
CONNOCT ME TO WOMBLEDON
ONE SOX, ONE SOX.
260
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:22,442
Man:
Receiving you
lewd and clore.
261
00:12:24,779 --> 00:12:26,814
Hold the loon--
262
00:12:26,816 --> 00:12:28,782
I will
connoct you.
263
00:12:30,251 --> 00:12:33,988
MY GOD,
THERE IS ANOTHER ONE
AT THE OTHER END.
264
00:12:33,990 --> 00:12:36,891
( telephone rings )
265
00:12:36,893 --> 00:12:38,291
Woman:
'Allo?
266
00:12:38,293 --> 00:12:41,495
IS THAT WOMBLEDON
ONE SOX, ONE SOX?
267
00:12:41,497 --> 00:12:44,331
Oh no, I think you've got
the wrong number, love.
268
00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:48,068
This is
MacFisheries...
269
00:12:48,070 --> 00:12:49,369
and we're shut.
270
00:12:51,339 --> 00:12:54,842
BIGGER-- THAT WAS
THE WRONG NIMBER.
271
00:12:54,844 --> 00:12:57,945
I WILL HAVE TO CHOCK IT
IN MY ADDRESS BIKE.
272
00:13:02,050 --> 00:13:03,717
( Fanny groans )
273
00:13:03,719 --> 00:13:04,852
EDITH!
274
00:13:04,854 --> 00:13:06,119
EDITH!
275
00:13:06,121 --> 00:13:09,823
WHY IS THERE SOUP
IN MY EAR TRUMPET?
276
00:13:09,825 --> 00:13:12,426
GIVE IT TO ME.
277
00:13:12,428 --> 00:13:15,596
- ( blows )
- Edith: RENE!
278
00:13:15,598 --> 00:13:17,598
YOU HAVE BLOWN
OLD CARROT
279
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,533
ALL OVER
THE CLEAN BEDSPREAD!
280
00:13:20,602 --> 00:13:21,969
MICHELLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
281
00:13:21,971 --> 00:13:23,236
UNDER INTERROGATION,
282
00:13:23,238 --> 00:13:24,838
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS
HAD AN HEART ATTACK--
283
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,073
HIS DICKY TICKER.
284
00:13:26,075 --> 00:13:27,775
HE HAS BEEN TAKEN
BY AMBULANCE
285
00:13:27,777 --> 00:13:30,343
TO THE GERMAN WING
OF NOUVION GENERAL HOSPITAL.
286
00:13:30,345 --> 00:13:32,379
OH, THAT IS TERRIBLE.
287
00:13:32,381 --> 00:13:34,081
HE HAS NOT YET
SIGNED THE NEW WILL
288
00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:35,583
LEAVING EVERYTHING TO ME.
289
00:13:36,585 --> 00:13:38,552
WE MUST GET TO HIM
BEFORE HE CAN REVEAL
290
00:13:38,554 --> 00:13:40,353
THAT HE OBTAINED
THE STOLEN MONEY
291
00:13:40,355 --> 00:13:41,722
FROM THE HAIRDRESSERS.
292
00:13:41,724 --> 00:13:44,424
HAD YOU NOT BEEN
TARTING YOURSELF UP
WITH PERMANENT WAVE,
293
00:13:44,426 --> 00:13:45,893
WE WOULD
NOT BE IN THIS MESS.
294
00:13:45,895 --> 00:13:48,295
YOU TRY SITTING
IN A STEAMY SEWER,
295
00:13:48,297 --> 00:13:50,598
WAITING TO THROW A BOMB
AT A PASSING TANK.
296
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,800
YOUR HAIR
WOULD GO STRAIGHT.
297
00:13:52,802 --> 00:13:55,703
I HAVE A PLAN TO RESCUE
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
298
00:13:55,705 --> 00:13:57,871
LOOK, MAMMA IS
EATING THE PASTY!
299
00:13:57,873 --> 00:14:00,307
- OH MY GOD!
- SPIT IT OUT,
SPIT IT OUT!
300
00:14:00,309 --> 00:14:01,441
Michelle:
WHY ALL THE FUSS?
301
00:14:01,443 --> 00:14:02,542
WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT?
302
00:14:02,544 --> 00:14:04,244
IT CONTAINS
A SUICIDE PILL
303
00:14:04,246 --> 00:14:06,947
TO PREVENT HIM BEING
INTERROGATED BY THE GESTAPO.
304
00:14:06,949 --> 00:14:09,950
GESTAPO, GESTAPO.
305
00:14:14,823 --> 00:14:16,624
THANK HEAVENS,
306
00:14:17,626 --> 00:14:19,660
IT IS INTACT.
307
00:14:20,962 --> 00:14:23,263
LUCKY SHE WAS NOT
WEARING HER TEETH.
308
00:14:24,966 --> 00:14:26,000
YOU WERE SAYING,
MICHELLE?
309
00:14:26,002 --> 00:14:27,534
WE MUST GET
INTO THE HOSPITAL
310
00:14:27,536 --> 00:14:29,036
TO RESCUE
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
311
00:14:29,038 --> 00:14:31,505
TO DO THIS,
WE WILL DISGUISE OURSELVES
312
00:14:31,507 --> 00:14:33,107
AS AMBULANCE WORKERS.
313
00:14:33,109 --> 00:14:36,276
WE WILL HAVE A TROLLEY
WITH A FALSE BOTTOM.
314
00:14:36,278 --> 00:14:37,611
IN THE FALSE BOTTOM
WILL BE
315
00:14:37,613 --> 00:14:39,146
A DUMMY
OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
316
00:14:39,148 --> 00:14:40,781
WEARING PAJAMAS.
317
00:14:40,783 --> 00:14:42,215
ON THE TOP
OF THE TROLLEY,
318
00:14:42,217 --> 00:14:44,417
WILL BE
AN EMERGENCY CASE.
319
00:14:44,419 --> 00:14:46,920
WE WILL LOCATE
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
320
00:14:46,922 --> 00:14:48,889
EXCHANGE HIM
FOR THE DUMMY,
321
00:14:48,891 --> 00:14:50,858
AND THEN,
OUR EMERGENCY PATIENT
322
00:14:50,860 --> 00:14:53,560
WILL DEMAND A SECOND OPINION
IN ANOTHER HOSPITAL,
323
00:14:53,562 --> 00:14:55,629
AND WE WILL
PUSH THEM BOTH OUT.
324
00:14:55,631 --> 00:14:57,364
WHO WILL BE
THE EMERGENCY PATIENT?
325
00:14:57,366 --> 00:14:58,532
YOU.
326
00:14:58,534 --> 00:15:00,233
ME?
327
00:15:00,235 --> 00:15:01,802
WITH FOOD POISONING.
328
00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:03,037
OH, NO, NO.
329
00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:05,706
NOT A CAFE OWNER
WITH FOOD POISONING.
330
00:15:05,708 --> 00:15:07,440
IT WILL RUIN
MY BUSINESS!
331
00:15:07,442 --> 00:15:09,576
HOW DO YOU FANCY
A HERNIA?
332
00:15:09,578 --> 00:15:11,344
ALL RIGHT,
333
00:15:11,346 --> 00:15:13,547
FOOD POISONING IT IS.
334
00:15:17,652 --> 00:15:20,554
HELGA, ARE YOU
QUITE CERTAIN
335
00:15:20,556 --> 00:15:23,123
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS NOT SPILT THE BEANS?
336
00:15:23,125 --> 00:15:24,892
HE WAS TAKEN
TO THE HOSPITAL
337
00:15:24,894 --> 00:15:26,593
BEFORE HERR FLICK
COULD QUESTION HIM.
338
00:15:26,595 --> 00:15:28,395
YOU NO TELL ME
THAT DOUGH
339
00:15:28,397 --> 00:15:29,529
BELONG TO THE GESTAPO.
340
00:15:29,531 --> 00:15:30,831
YOU GET ME
IN HOT WATER.
341
00:15:30,833 --> 00:15:33,466
YOU SHOULDN'T BE
SO DAMNED GREEDY.
342
00:15:33,468 --> 00:15:35,002
COLONEL, IT IS
MY UNDERSTANDING
343
00:15:35,004 --> 00:15:36,303
THAT HELGA HAS A PLAN.
344
00:15:36,305 --> 00:15:37,905
BRAINS AND BEAUTY,
345
00:15:37,907 --> 00:15:39,073
WHAT A COMBINATION.
346
00:15:39,075 --> 00:15:41,241
SHUT UP.
347
00:15:42,877 --> 00:15:45,645
WE MUST RESCUE HIM
OR ELIMINATE HIM.
348
00:15:45,647 --> 00:15:47,647
WHAT IS
THE ELIMINATION PLAN?
349
00:15:47,649 --> 00:15:50,751
AN EXPLODING BEDPAN.
350
00:15:52,787 --> 00:15:54,521
THAT APPEALS TO ME.
351
00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:56,590
EXCUSE ME FOR ASKING,
352
00:15:56,592 --> 00:15:58,158
BUT HOW IS IT ACTIVATED?
353
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,127
BY REMOTE CONTROL.
354
00:16:00,129 --> 00:16:02,329
HOW DO WE KNOW
WHEN THE BEDPAN IS,
355
00:16:02,331 --> 00:16:04,732
AS IT WERE,
IN POSITION?
356
00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:07,634
IN IT,
THERE IS A MICROPHONE.
357
00:16:07,636 --> 00:16:09,669
WE WILL HEAR
THE VOICE OF THE NURSE
358
00:16:09,671 --> 00:16:11,438
WHEN SHE GIVES IT TO HIM.
359
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,774
IF I MARRY THIS LADY,
360
00:16:13,776 --> 00:16:15,609
I HAVE
A VERY EXCITING LIFE,
361
00:16:15,611 --> 00:16:17,711
BUT I DON'T
GO TO THE BATHROOM.
362
00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:24,785
( heart monitor beeping )
363
00:16:26,721 --> 00:16:29,156
HOW YOU FEELING,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?
364
00:16:29,158 --> 00:16:31,358
THE THOUGHT OF RETURNING
365
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,026
TO THE GESTAPO
HEADQUARTERS
366
00:16:33,028 --> 00:16:35,028
HAS MADE ME
JUST A LITTLE TENSE.
367
00:16:36,364 --> 00:16:39,266
- KEEP CALM.
- ( beeping speeds up )
368
00:16:39,268 --> 00:16:41,368
YOUR HEART IS
DOING VERY WELL.
369
00:17:03,191 --> 00:17:04,524
WAIT HERE.
370
00:17:04,526 --> 00:17:05,926
I WILL TRY
AND FIND OUT
371
00:17:05,928 --> 00:17:08,361
WHICH ROOM
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS IN.
372
00:17:08,363 --> 00:17:11,431
WHAT IS THIS IDIOT
DOING HERE?
373
00:17:11,433 --> 00:17:13,466
IT IS A GOOD DISGEESE.
374
00:17:13,468 --> 00:17:16,603
I CAN WICK ANYWHERE
IN THE HOSPITAL
375
00:17:16,605 --> 00:17:19,339
WITHOUT AREESING
SISPOOCION.
376
00:17:19,341 --> 00:17:22,810
ALL THEY CAN SEE
IS MY EEBREWS.
377
00:17:22,812 --> 00:17:24,644
I HAVE ONE DUMMY
UNDER THE TROLLEY,
378
00:17:24,646 --> 00:17:26,280
AND ANOTHER ONE
PUSHING IT.
379
00:17:26,282 --> 00:17:27,881
IF WE ARE
IN TROUBLE,
380
00:17:27,883 --> 00:17:29,283
WE WILL FIGHT
OUR WAY OUT.
381
00:17:29,285 --> 00:17:30,918
( whispering )
I HAVE THE KNIFE.
382
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,153
WHERE IS THE GUN?
383
00:17:35,924 --> 00:17:38,391
AT THE FIRST
SIGN OF TROUBLE,
384
00:17:38,393 --> 00:17:41,128
I WILL GRAB IT.
385
00:17:41,130 --> 00:17:42,562
GIVE IT TO ME.
386
00:17:47,869 --> 00:17:49,703
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
387
00:17:49,705 --> 00:17:51,504
AH, MADAME EDITH.
388
00:17:51,506 --> 00:17:52,873
( beeping very fast )
389
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:54,308
JUST THE SIGHT OF YOU
390
00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:58,212
HAS ACTIVATED
MY MACHINERY.
391
00:17:58,214 --> 00:17:59,646
WE HAVE COME
TO RESCUE YOU.
392
00:17:59,648 --> 00:18:01,514
NOW, KEEP CALM
393
00:18:01,516 --> 00:18:02,749
AND DO AS
YOU ARE TOLD.
394
00:18:02,751 --> 00:18:05,018
I AM ENTIRELY
IN YOUR HANDS, MADAME.
395
00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:06,486
( beeping extremely fast )
396
00:18:06,488 --> 00:18:08,856
ONCE AGAIN,
MY IMAGINATION RUNS RIOT.
397
00:18:12,227 --> 00:18:13,961
QUICK, HE IS IN HERE.
398
00:18:23,271 --> 00:18:25,538
REMOVE THE WIRES
FROM HIS CHEST.
399
00:18:25,540 --> 00:18:29,009
IT IS ATTACHED TO ME
BY STRONG HOSPITAL TAPE.
400
00:18:29,011 --> 00:18:30,677
IT WILL BE OVER
VERY QUOCKLY
401
00:18:30,679 --> 00:18:33,113
IF YOU GIVE HIM
ONE STRONG PILL.
402
00:18:33,115 --> 00:18:34,581
I AM READY.
403
00:18:36,351 --> 00:18:37,584
GAH!
404
00:18:38,652 --> 00:18:40,120
AAH!
405
00:18:41,589 --> 00:18:44,057
WE WILL HOLD HIM DOWN
WHILE YOU PULL.
406
00:18:50,498 --> 00:18:51,731
AAH!
407
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,768
AAH!
408
00:18:54,770 --> 00:18:56,904
NEVER MIND.
GET HIM ONTO THE TROLLEY,
409
00:18:56,906 --> 00:18:58,605
WE'LL TAKE
THE MACHINE WITH US.
410
00:19:11,052 --> 00:19:13,253
COLONEL,
THE COAST IS CLEAR.
411
00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:25,332
MAKE CERTAIN WE ARE
IN COMMUNICATION WITH HELGA.
412
00:19:25,334 --> 00:19:27,667
BEDPAN TO CONTROL,
413
00:19:27,669 --> 00:19:30,203
BEDPAN TO CONTROL.
414
00:19:30,205 --> 00:19:32,739
Helga:
Hello, Bedpan,
415
00:19:32,741 --> 00:19:34,808
hello, Bedpan.
416
00:19:34,810 --> 00:19:36,876
Control here.
417
00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:38,445
WE ARE RECEIVING YOU.
418
00:19:38,447 --> 00:19:40,914
WE ARE READY
TO ACTIVATE.
419
00:19:40,916 --> 00:19:43,150
SHALL I PRESS
THE PLUNGER?
420
00:19:43,152 --> 00:19:45,118
NOT UNTIL YOU HEAR
THE AGREED SIGNAL.
421
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,287
TELL ME AGAIN
THE AGREED SIGNAL.
422
00:19:47,289 --> 00:19:48,655
A VOICE WILL SAY,
423
00:19:48,657 --> 00:19:50,523
"HERE IS
THE BEDPAN."
424
00:19:50,525 --> 00:19:53,193
YOU COUNT TO 10,
AND THEN YOU PLUNGE.
425
00:19:53,195 --> 00:19:56,529
10 AND THEN PLUNGE.
426
00:19:57,598 --> 00:19:58,932
WHAT IS YOUR POSITION?
427
00:19:58,934 --> 00:20:01,234
WE ARE INSIDE
THE HOSPITAL,
428
00:20:01,236 --> 00:20:04,104
PROCEEDING
TO THE SECOND FLOOR.
429
00:20:04,106 --> 00:20:06,073
WE ARE INSIDE
THE HOS--
430
00:20:07,875 --> 00:20:09,909
WHY ARE YOU TALKING
TO YOUR BEDPAN?
431
00:20:10,911 --> 00:20:12,245
SHE'S PSYCHIC,
432
00:20:12,247 --> 00:20:14,781
A PATIENT OF HERS
DIED ON IT.
433
00:20:16,484 --> 00:20:18,751
IS THERE
ANYBODY THERE?
434
00:20:18,753 --> 00:20:21,721
IS THERE
ANYBODY THERE?
435
00:20:21,723 --> 00:20:23,857
KNOCK ONCE FOR YES,
436
00:20:23,859 --> 00:20:25,025
TWICE FOR NO.
437
00:20:25,027 --> 00:20:26,126
( knocks once )
438
00:20:31,699 --> 00:20:33,500
Edith:
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?
439
00:20:33,502 --> 00:20:35,502
AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED.
440
00:20:36,504 --> 00:20:37,570
WHAT ABOUT ME?
NOBODY ASKS
441
00:20:37,572 --> 00:20:38,805
IF I AM ALL RIGHT.
442
00:20:38,807 --> 00:20:40,140
SHUT UP.
443
00:20:40,142 --> 00:20:41,808
QUICK, THROUGH THE DOOR.
444
00:20:51,919 --> 00:20:53,987
- WAIT!
- WHAT?
445
00:20:53,989 --> 00:20:55,922
WE MUST COVER
THE DUMMY.
446
00:21:01,629 --> 00:21:04,064
MY GOD, THERE IS
A GERMAN SOLDIER COMING.
447
00:21:04,066 --> 00:21:06,066
DO NOT GIVE ME AWAY,
MONSIEUR.
448
00:21:06,068 --> 00:21:07,467
( monitor beeping
very fast )
449
00:21:08,503 --> 00:21:11,038
BEEP BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BEEP!
450
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,639
BEEP BEEP BEEP...
451
00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:16,309
- ( flatulent sound )
- BEEEEEP.
452
00:21:16,311 --> 00:21:18,111
BEEP BEEP BEEP...
453
00:21:22,483 --> 00:21:23,883
AH!
454
00:21:25,486 --> 00:21:27,454
WHERE IS
THE FRENCH PEASANT WOMAN?
455
00:21:27,456 --> 00:21:29,423
I AM READY TO PERFORM
THE CAESAREAN.
456
00:21:29,425 --> 00:21:31,191
SHE IS WAITING HERE,
DOCTOR.
457
00:21:33,761 --> 00:21:35,195
BRING HER IN.
458
00:21:43,438 --> 00:21:45,972
THERE, THAT IS BETTER.
459
00:21:45,974 --> 00:21:48,375
QUICK, WE MUST GET
THE TROLLEY AND SCARPER.
460
00:21:52,746 --> 00:21:53,913
IT IS GONE.
461
00:21:53,915 --> 00:21:55,782
HOW CAN IT BE GONE?
462
00:21:55,784 --> 00:21:56,950
I KNOW RENE.
463
00:21:56,952 --> 00:21:59,453
HE WILL HAVE
WHEELED IT OUT HIMSELF.
464
00:22:01,456 --> 00:22:02,889
THE GUARDS!
465
00:22:02,891 --> 00:22:04,657
LET US GAY OUT
THE BACK WEE.
466
00:22:14,235 --> 00:22:15,402
HIS NAME IS ON THE DOOR.
467
00:22:15,404 --> 00:22:16,736
HE WILL BE IN HERE.
468
00:22:16,738 --> 00:22:19,038
I WILL POSITION
THE DEVICE.
469
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,940
HERE IS THE BEDPAN.
470
00:22:20,942 --> 00:22:22,576
THAT IS THE SIGNAL.
471
00:22:22,578 --> 00:22:25,912
10, NINE, EIGHT--
472
00:22:25,914 --> 00:22:27,780
STOP, STOP,
FALSE ALARM.
473
00:22:27,782 --> 00:22:29,916
I WAS HANDING IT
TO THE COLONEL.
474
00:22:29,918 --> 00:22:31,284
GRUBER, YOU FOOL.
475
00:22:31,286 --> 00:22:32,785
YOU COULD HAVE
KILLED ME.
476
00:22:32,787 --> 00:22:34,221
ONLY TAKE YOUR ORDERS
477
00:22:34,223 --> 00:22:35,722
WHEN YOU
HEAR ME SPEAK.
478
00:22:35,724 --> 00:22:37,124
Helga:
Yes, Colonel.
479
00:22:37,126 --> 00:22:39,426
RIGHT. WE WILL
SHOVE IT UNDER,
480
00:22:39,428 --> 00:22:42,061
AND WE WILL RUN.
481
00:22:42,063 --> 00:22:44,331
HERE IS THE BEDPAN.
482
00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:48,502
Both:
FOUR, THREE,
483
00:22:48,504 --> 00:22:50,703
TWO, ONE,
484
00:22:50,705 --> 00:22:52,105
PLUNGE!
485
00:22:52,107 --> 00:22:54,107
( explosion )
486
00:22:55,643 --> 00:22:57,410
THE R.A.F.
ARE BOMBING US!
487
00:22:57,412 --> 00:22:58,612
INTO THE SHELTERS!
488
00:23:04,785 --> 00:23:06,453
( coughing )
489
00:23:08,523 --> 00:23:10,157
OH MY GOD,
490
00:23:10,159 --> 00:23:12,526
MY DICKY TICKER.
491
00:23:15,763 --> 00:23:18,198
( theme music playing )