1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:02,938 --> 00:00:05,940 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:24,626 --> 00:00:27,095 YOU MUST EXCUSE ME FOR BEING OUT OF BREATH, 3 00:00:27,097 --> 00:00:28,963 BUT I HAVE JUST BEEN ENDEAVORING 4 00:00:28,965 --> 00:00:30,999 TO LAUNCH A LONG DISTANCE DUCK. 5 00:00:32,935 --> 00:00:36,671 THIS LONG DISTANCE DUCK IS A LONG DISTANCE LADY DUCK. 6 00:00:36,673 --> 00:00:39,407 SHE IS CARRYING A MICRODOT FILM 7 00:00:39,409 --> 00:00:41,642 FOR THE PLAN OF THE INVASION OF ENGLAND. 8 00:00:41,644 --> 00:00:44,645 IT IS ATTACHED TO HER LEG BY A CORN PLASTER. 9 00:00:45,881 --> 00:00:48,583 UNFORTUNATELY, DESPITE THE COMBINED EFFORTS 10 00:00:48,585 --> 00:00:51,252 OF MYSELF, MY WIFE AND HALF THE VILLAGE, 11 00:00:51,254 --> 00:00:53,321 SHE STEADFASTLY REFUSED TO TAKE OFF. 12 00:00:53,323 --> 00:00:55,824 SHE WAS LAST SEEN WALKING PAST THE POST OFFICE. 13 00:00:56,959 --> 00:00:58,827 RENE, 14 00:00:58,829 --> 00:01:00,695 IT IS QUARTER PAST 3:00. 15 00:01:00,697 --> 00:01:04,165 - SO? - IT IS TIME TO FEED THE BABY DUCKS. 16 00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:05,934 ( ducks peep ) 17 00:01:05,936 --> 00:01:08,169 EVEN AS I SPEAK, YOUR BRAVE MOTHER 18 00:01:08,171 --> 00:01:10,438 IS WALKING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD 19 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,640 TOWARDS ENGLAND. 20 00:01:12,642 --> 00:01:14,909 ONE GERMAN CONVOY AND YOU WILL ALL BE ORPHANS. 21 00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:20,281 SHUSH, YOU HAVE MADE ONE OF THEM FAINT-- HE HAS FALLEN OVER. 22 00:01:20,283 --> 00:01:23,517 IT IS PROBABLY LACK OF FOOD. WHY HAVE YOU NOT FED THEM? 23 00:01:23,519 --> 00:01:25,754 I PREPARED SOME WARM CARROT SOUP, 24 00:01:25,756 --> 00:01:27,822 BUT MICHELLE SAID THEY HAD TO BE FED 25 00:01:27,824 --> 00:01:29,323 WITH A FOUNTAIN PEN FILLER, 26 00:01:29,325 --> 00:01:30,859 AND I COULD NOT FIND ONE. 27 00:01:30,861 --> 00:01:32,994 HAVE YOU NO IMAGINATION? 28 00:01:32,996 --> 00:01:34,229 POUR IT DOWN THE BIG END 29 00:01:34,231 --> 00:01:35,696 OF YOUR MOTHER'S EAR TRUMPET. 30 00:01:36,698 --> 00:01:38,699 I AM NOT POURING CARROT SOUP 31 00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:40,268 DOWN MY MOTHER'S EAR TRUMPET. 32 00:01:40,270 --> 00:01:42,270 YOU HAD BETTER DO SOMETHING AND QUICKLY-- 33 00:01:42,272 --> 00:01:43,638 ANOTHER ONE HAS FALLEN OVER. 34 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,206 OH MY GOD... 35 00:01:45,208 --> 00:01:47,408 I WILL GET THE EAR TRUMPET. 36 00:01:50,379 --> 00:01:52,147 YVETTE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? 37 00:01:52,149 --> 00:01:54,382 WE SHOULD BE OPEN BY NOW. 38 00:01:54,384 --> 00:01:56,985 RENE, MADAME EDITH SENT ME TO THE MARKET 39 00:01:56,987 --> 00:01:58,119 TO BUY SOME CLOTHES 40 00:01:58,121 --> 00:02:00,088 FOR THE GIRLS OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE, 41 00:02:00,090 --> 00:02:01,722 THE ONES THAT ARE HIDING UPSTAIRS. 42 00:02:01,724 --> 00:02:03,424 WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT THEM? 43 00:02:03,426 --> 00:02:05,293 IN A MARKET I FOUND 44 00:02:05,295 --> 00:02:07,428 SOME CHEAP SERVING MAIDS' UNIFORMS, 45 00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:10,498 SO THEY CAN WORK IN THE KITCHEN. 46 00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:13,601 WITH THE CHANGE, I BOUGHT MYSELF THIS HAT. 47 00:02:14,804 --> 00:02:16,771 WHEN WE RUN AWAY TO GET MARRIED, 48 00:02:16,773 --> 00:02:18,907 I CAN WEAR IT ON MY HONEYMOON. 49 00:02:18,909 --> 00:02:20,574 NOT ALL THE TIME. 50 00:02:22,945 --> 00:02:25,280 RENE, KISS ME; 51 00:02:25,282 --> 00:02:27,315 CRUSH THE BREATH FROM MY BODY; 52 00:02:27,317 --> 00:02:30,285 SEND THE BLOOD POUNDING THROUGH MY VEINS. 53 00:02:35,357 --> 00:02:36,691 OH MY PASSIONATE ONE, 54 00:02:36,693 --> 00:02:38,726 I CAN FEEL YOU WRIGGLING WITH ECSTASY. 55 00:02:38,728 --> 00:02:41,529 I AM TRYING NOT TO SNEEZE. 56 00:02:43,565 --> 00:02:45,967 GO QUICKLY BEFORE EDITH RETURNS. 57 00:02:52,474 --> 00:02:54,309 RENE, THE COMMUNIST GIRLS 58 00:02:54,311 --> 00:02:56,144 HAVE THROWN ME OUT OF MY BEDROOM 59 00:02:56,146 --> 00:02:59,113 AND FORCED ME TO SLEEP IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD. 60 00:02:59,115 --> 00:03:00,715 LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, MIMI. 61 00:03:00,717 --> 00:03:02,416 AT LEAST YOU WILL BE NICE AND WARM. 62 00:03:02,418 --> 00:03:04,418 IT IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE HOT WATER TANK. 63 00:03:04,420 --> 00:03:07,388 IT IS ALSO NEXT TO YOUR ROOM. 64 00:03:08,523 --> 00:03:10,892 COME TO ME AT MIDNIGHT. 65 00:03:10,894 --> 00:03:15,897 WE CAN MAKE WILD, PASSIONATE, RATHER CRAMPED LOVE. 66 00:03:15,899 --> 00:03:18,499 MY DEAR SWEET MIMI, YOU SWEET, RANDY CHILD, 67 00:03:18,501 --> 00:03:20,368 IT IS TOO RISKY. 68 00:03:20,370 --> 00:03:23,104 HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I REMAIN UNFULFILLED? 69 00:03:23,106 --> 00:03:25,907 CERTAINLY UNTIL YOU GET YOUR ROOM BACK. 70 00:03:25,909 --> 00:03:28,076 QUICK-- I HEAR EDITH COMING DOWN THE STAIRS. 71 00:03:29,144 --> 00:03:30,644 RENE, 72 00:03:30,646 --> 00:03:32,613 YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME, DENISE LAROQUE, 73 00:03:32,615 --> 00:03:34,115 LEADER OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE, 74 00:03:34,117 --> 00:03:35,516 TO WEAR THESE RAGS? 75 00:03:35,518 --> 00:03:38,186 DO NOT BLAME ME, MY LOVE. BLAME MADAME EDITH. 76 00:03:38,188 --> 00:03:39,653 SHE GAVE THE GIRL SO LITTLE, 77 00:03:39,655 --> 00:03:41,689 SHE WAS NOT ABLE TO AFFORD ANYTHING BETTER. 78 00:03:41,691 --> 00:03:43,324 DO YOU NOT HAVE MONEY? 79 00:03:43,326 --> 00:03:44,959 YES, BUT IT IS IN THE TILL. 80 00:03:44,961 --> 00:03:46,227 EDITH KEEPS THE KEY. 81 00:03:46,229 --> 00:03:49,230 THE SOONER THIS WOMAN IS DEAD, THE BETTER. 82 00:03:49,232 --> 00:03:52,000 DENISE, NOT THAT, NOT NOW, NOT HERE-- 83 00:03:52,002 --> 00:03:53,001 WE ARE OPEN! 84 00:03:55,237 --> 00:03:56,637 ( gun fires ) 85 00:03:58,307 --> 00:03:59,840 HERE, TAKE THIS. 86 00:03:59,842 --> 00:04:01,575 YOU WILL BUY TWO WAITRESSES' OUTFITS 87 00:04:01,577 --> 00:04:03,544 SO THAT WE CAN POSE HERE AS SERVING GIRLS. 88 00:04:03,546 --> 00:04:04,545 YES. WHAT SIZE? 89 00:04:04,547 --> 00:04:07,015 16 TOP, 10 BOTTOM-- LONG. 90 00:04:07,017 --> 00:04:09,150 16 TOP... 91 00:04:09,152 --> 00:04:11,485 YES, I WILL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT. 92 00:04:11,487 --> 00:04:13,687 BLOOD OF MY LIFE, 93 00:04:13,689 --> 00:04:16,124 MY HEART POUNDS LIKE A SEA OF PASSION, 94 00:04:16,126 --> 00:04:18,359 CRASHING ON THE ROCKS OF MY DESIRE. 95 00:04:18,361 --> 00:04:19,760 I HAVE BUT TO LOOK AT YOU 96 00:04:19,762 --> 00:04:22,196 AND I SEE CLOUDS SCUDDING ACROSS THE MOON, 97 00:04:22,198 --> 00:04:25,300 TREES BENDING ON A TROPICAL SHORE. 98 00:04:25,302 --> 00:04:27,868 DID YOU HAVE CHEESE FOR SUPPER? 99 00:04:27,870 --> 00:04:30,838 YOU WILL COME TO ME TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT. 100 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,540 BUT YOU ARE SHARING A ROOM WITH LOUISE. 101 00:04:32,542 --> 00:04:35,143 I WILL DANGLE HER OUT OF THE WINDOW. 102 00:04:38,247 --> 00:04:39,713 UNTIL TONIGHT. 103 00:04:39,715 --> 00:04:40,714 YES. 104 00:04:42,952 --> 00:04:44,185 RENE! 105 00:04:44,187 --> 00:04:45,619 LOUISE, WHY ARE YOU HERE? 106 00:04:45,621 --> 00:04:47,488 I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIDING IN MIMI'S ROOM. 107 00:04:47,490 --> 00:04:49,790 I CLIMBED DOWN THE DRAINPIPE. 108 00:04:49,792 --> 00:04:50,959 ALL THIS MORNING, 109 00:04:50,961 --> 00:04:53,527 DENISE HAS MADE ME DANGLE OUT OF THE WINDOW. 110 00:04:53,529 --> 00:04:56,197 SHE SAID IT WAS PRACTICE FOR A SPECIAL EMERGENCY. 111 00:04:56,199 --> 00:04:58,766 DID SHE SAY WHAT KIND OF EMERGENCY? 112 00:04:58,768 --> 00:05:01,769 SHE PLAYS EVERYTHING VERY CLOSE TO HER CHEST. 113 00:05:01,771 --> 00:05:04,105 THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE. 114 00:05:06,541 --> 00:05:07,808 - RENE... - YES? 115 00:05:07,810 --> 00:05:11,512 I KNOW THAT SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU, 116 00:05:11,514 --> 00:05:14,315 BUT MY PASSION IS GREATER THAN HER PASSION. 117 00:05:14,317 --> 00:05:16,985 INSIDE ME SURGES A NEED, 118 00:05:16,987 --> 00:05:20,388 WANTS TO MAKE ME PLUNGE UPON THE ROCKS OF YOUR MANHOOD 119 00:05:20,390 --> 00:05:23,824 AND TUMBLE US BOTH INTO A WHIRLPOOL OF ECSTASY. 120 00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:27,996 MY GOD, AND I CANNOT EVEN SWIM. 121 00:05:32,401 --> 00:05:33,601 BECAUSE OF DENISE, 122 00:05:33,603 --> 00:05:35,536 YOU CANNOT COME TO MY ROOM AT MIDNIGHT-- 123 00:05:35,538 --> 00:05:37,338 I WILL COME TO YOURS. 124 00:05:37,340 --> 00:05:38,906 THAT IS NOT VERY CONVENIENT. 125 00:05:38,908 --> 00:05:41,242 THEN I WILL DANGLE OUT OF MY WINDOW, 126 00:05:41,244 --> 00:05:43,811 AND YOU WILL DANGLE OUT OF YOURS. 127 00:05:45,114 --> 00:05:46,947 WE WILL MEET ON THE PARAPET 128 00:05:46,949 --> 00:05:49,617 AND MAKE WILD, ABANDONED LOVE. 129 00:05:50,919 --> 00:05:53,087 IT WILL BE A NIGHT TO REMEMBER. 130 00:05:53,089 --> 00:05:55,289 IT WILL CERTAINLY BE A TALKING POINT 131 00:05:55,291 --> 00:05:57,091 AMONGST THE NEIGHBORS. 132 00:05:57,093 --> 00:06:00,361 I MUST GO NOW AND DO 500 PRESS-UPS 133 00:06:00,363 --> 00:06:02,497 SO THAT I WILL BE STRONG FOR YOU. 134 00:06:03,499 --> 00:06:04,999 ( groans ) 135 00:06:06,468 --> 00:06:08,302 MY GOD, WHAT A MESS I AM IN. 136 00:06:09,671 --> 00:06:11,105 WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME 137 00:06:11,107 --> 00:06:13,207 THAT MAKES NICE GIRLS INTO HOOLIGANS? 138 00:06:14,309 --> 00:06:16,244 CAN NOBODY RESIST ME? 139 00:06:16,246 --> 00:06:17,545 GOOD AFTERNOON, RENE. 140 00:06:20,282 --> 00:06:22,984 COLONEL, HE IS ALONE. 141 00:06:22,986 --> 00:06:24,552 GOOD. 142 00:06:24,554 --> 00:06:25,787 LOCK THE DOOR. 143 00:06:27,089 --> 00:06:29,090 RENE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. 144 00:06:29,092 --> 00:06:31,325 - OH? - YOU EXPLAIN IT, GRUBER-- 145 00:06:31,327 --> 00:06:33,327 YOU'RE GOOD AT DETAILS. 146 00:06:33,329 --> 00:06:37,365 RENE, DO YOU RECALL THAT A SHORT TIME AGO 147 00:06:37,367 --> 00:06:40,502 YOU STUFFED A MILLION FRANCS DOWN MY TROUSERS? 148 00:06:42,070 --> 00:06:45,006 IT IS NOT A THING ONE WOULD EASILY FORGET. 149 00:06:45,008 --> 00:06:50,077 IT WOULD APPEAR THAT 25,000 FRANCS ARE MISSING, 150 00:06:50,079 --> 00:06:52,747 AND SOME OF THIS MONEY HAS BEEN TRACED 151 00:06:52,749 --> 00:06:54,883 TO THE UNDERTAKER MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 152 00:06:54,885 --> 00:06:58,052 HE IS NOW IN THE HANDS OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO. 153 00:06:58,054 --> 00:06:59,954 UNDER INTERROGATION, 154 00:06:59,956 --> 00:07:02,223 HE MAY REVEAL WHERE THE MONEY CAME FROM 155 00:07:02,225 --> 00:07:04,358 AND IT COULD, PERHAPS, BE TRACED TO YOU. 156 00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:07,529 YOU, UNDER INTERROGATION, 157 00:07:07,531 --> 00:07:10,965 MAY REVEAL THAT YOU PUT IT DOWN MY TROUSERS. 158 00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:13,768 I WILL TRY VERY HARD TO NOT REVEAL THAT. 159 00:07:13,770 --> 00:07:15,770 WE CANNOT TAKE THAT CHANCE. 160 00:07:15,772 --> 00:07:17,238 BUT WHAT CAN WE DO? 161 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,840 WE MUST STOP THE ROT NOW, 162 00:07:18,842 --> 00:07:21,576 BEFORE THE UNDERTAKER IMPLICATES YOU. 163 00:07:21,578 --> 00:07:23,044 HE MUST BE SILENCED. 164 00:07:23,046 --> 00:07:24,812 BUT HOW CAN WE DO THIS? 165 00:07:24,814 --> 00:07:27,782 THE COLONEL HAS A PLAN AND THESE ARE YOUR ORDERS: 166 00:07:27,784 --> 00:07:31,853 YOU MUST GET YOUR WIFE TO MAKE A SMALL PASTY, 167 00:07:31,855 --> 00:07:35,456 INTO WHICH YOU WILL PUT THIS SUICIDE PILL. 168 00:07:35,458 --> 00:07:38,092 YOU WILL CHUCK IT THROUGH THE BARS OF HIS CELL, 169 00:07:38,094 --> 00:07:40,327 HE WILL GOBBLE IT UP AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF IT. 170 00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,329 COLONEL, I COULD NOT DO THAT-- 171 00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:43,665 HE IS A FRIEND OF MINE. 172 00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:47,035 IN THAT CASE, THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO STOP THE ROT-- 173 00:07:47,037 --> 00:07:49,871 YOU TAKE THE PILL... NOW. 174 00:07:51,574 --> 00:07:54,341 EXCUSE ME, I CANNOT BEAR TO WATCH. 175 00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:56,410 YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO WATCH, LIEUTENANT. 176 00:07:56,412 --> 00:07:57,845 I HARDLY KNOW THE UNDERTAKER-- 177 00:07:57,847 --> 00:08:00,281 I AM SURE HE WILL BE HAPPY TO DIE FOR FRANCE. 178 00:08:00,283 --> 00:08:01,449 HE IS VERY OLD, ANYWAY. 179 00:08:01,451 --> 00:08:03,851 YOUR FIRST PLAN WAS THE BEST. 180 00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:07,321 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, 181 00:08:07,323 --> 00:08:09,423 YOU WOULD BE WELL ADVISED TO TALK TO ME 182 00:08:09,425 --> 00:08:11,459 BEFORE HERR FLICK RETURNS. 183 00:08:11,461 --> 00:08:13,595 I HAVE TOLD YOU ALL I KNOW, MONSIEUR. 184 00:08:16,198 --> 00:08:19,266 I AM JUST A POOR, HONEST UNDERTAKER 185 00:08:19,268 --> 00:08:22,203 AND PROPRIETOR OF THE HAIRDRESSING ESTABLISHMENT. 186 00:08:24,339 --> 00:08:28,009 ONE OF MY CUSTOMERS MUST HAVE PASSED TO ME THE MONEY. 187 00:08:28,011 --> 00:08:30,277 WHICH ONE IT WAS, I KNOW NOT. 188 00:08:30,279 --> 00:08:31,445 THIS IS NOT-- 189 00:08:31,447 --> 00:08:33,447 OOOHH! 190 00:08:36,251 --> 00:08:38,185 HERR FLICK INSTRUCTED ME 191 00:08:38,187 --> 00:08:39,887 TO DEAL WITH THE PRISONER. 192 00:08:39,889 --> 00:08:41,222 IN WHAT WAY? 193 00:08:41,224 --> 00:08:43,224 YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE VELVET GLOVE? 194 00:08:43,226 --> 00:08:44,592 YES I HAVE, 195 00:08:44,594 --> 00:08:46,928 BUT WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO WITH IT? 196 00:08:47,963 --> 00:08:48,963 LEAVE US. 197 00:08:48,965 --> 00:08:51,232 I WILL WAIT IN MY CUPBOARD. 198 00:08:56,839 --> 00:08:58,272 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 199 00:08:58,274 --> 00:09:00,374 I AM COMPLETELY AT YOUR MERCY, 200 00:09:00,376 --> 00:09:02,443 BUT I MUST TELL YOU, 201 00:09:02,445 --> 00:09:04,478 IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN A VELVET GLOVE 202 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,280 TO BREAK DOWN MY RESOLUTION... 203 00:09:07,516 --> 00:09:08,750 I THINK. 204 00:09:10,185 --> 00:09:12,253 I WISH TO HELP YOU. 205 00:09:12,255 --> 00:09:15,356 I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION ONE QUARTER OF THIS MONEY. 206 00:09:15,358 --> 00:09:16,624 IF HERR FLICK FINDS OUT, 207 00:09:16,626 --> 00:09:19,027 I WILL BE IN THAT CHAIR INSTEAD OF YOU. 208 00:09:19,029 --> 00:09:20,928 I AM HERE TO HELP YOU ESCAPE. 209 00:09:20,930 --> 00:09:24,065 HOW DO I KNOW THIS IS NOT SOME GESTAPO SUBTERFUGE? 210 00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:26,467 I HAVE WITH ME THE MONEY. 211 00:09:26,469 --> 00:09:28,970 I SHALL RECOGNIZE IT. 212 00:09:28,972 --> 00:09:30,504 IT IS IN BIG ONES. 213 00:09:35,243 --> 00:09:37,311 THOSE ARE THE BIG ONES. 214 00:09:39,081 --> 00:09:41,649 I HAVE ALSO THE BLADE OF A HACKSAW. 215 00:09:49,191 --> 00:09:50,792 BLACK SUSPENDERS. 216 00:09:51,794 --> 00:09:54,295 OH MY DICKY TICKER. 217 00:09:58,366 --> 00:09:59,867 WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? 218 00:09:59,869 --> 00:10:02,269 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK. 219 00:10:03,471 --> 00:10:05,807 HE MUST NOT DIE AND TAKE WITH HIM THE SECRET. 220 00:10:05,809 --> 00:10:07,208 WE MUST PUT HIM IN HOSPITAL. 221 00:10:07,210 --> 00:10:08,342 SEND FOR THE AMBULANCE. 222 00:10:08,344 --> 00:10:09,610 OH MY GOD! 223 00:10:12,314 --> 00:10:14,215 OH, BLACK SUSPENDERS. 224 00:10:16,885 --> 00:10:19,754 GOOD EVENING, JACQUES. GOOD EVENING, GILLES. 225 00:10:23,358 --> 00:10:25,025 WHERE ARE THE STAFF? 226 00:10:25,027 --> 00:10:27,327 EDITH, WHERE ARE YOU? 227 00:10:27,329 --> 00:10:29,897 WE ARE OPEN! MIMI? YVETTE? 228 00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:33,768 I AM SORRY, RENE. 229 00:10:33,770 --> 00:10:36,203 I WAS JUST FEEDING THE BABY DUCKS THEIR SUPPER. 230 00:10:36,205 --> 00:10:38,338 HAVE YOU MADE THE PASTY WITH THE POISON PILL? 231 00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:39,707 I HAVE IT HERE. 232 00:10:39,709 --> 00:10:41,542 GOOD MOANING. 233 00:10:41,544 --> 00:10:44,311 OH MY GOD. 234 00:10:44,313 --> 00:10:46,680 GOOD EVENING, OFFICER OF THE LAW. 235 00:10:46,682 --> 00:10:48,416 WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU? 236 00:10:48,418 --> 00:10:50,584 I WAS WICKING ALONG THE STROOT 237 00:10:50,586 --> 00:10:53,754 AND SUDDENLY I LOOKED AT MY WATCH AND SAW THE TOMB. 238 00:10:55,356 --> 00:10:58,225 "GOOD GROCIOUS," I SAHD TO MYSELF, 239 00:10:58,227 --> 00:10:59,627 "I SHOULD BE SPOKING 240 00:10:59,629 --> 00:11:02,630 TO MY OPPOSITE NIMBER IN LONDON ON THE ROODIO." 241 00:11:02,632 --> 00:11:05,933 LOOK, IT IS A QUITTER PAST SOX. 242 00:11:05,935 --> 00:11:07,568 HE IS QUITE RIGHT. 243 00:11:07,570 --> 00:11:08,569 COME ON. 244 00:11:20,014 --> 00:11:21,081 AARGH! 245 00:11:24,285 --> 00:11:26,119 A POLICEMAN, GOOD. 246 00:11:26,121 --> 00:11:30,825 SOME VILLAIN HAS STOLEN FROM ME MY EAR TRUMPET. 247 00:11:30,827 --> 00:11:34,094 IT HAS NOT BEEN REPOTTED TO MOO. 248 00:11:34,096 --> 00:11:35,463 WHAT? 249 00:11:36,898 --> 00:11:38,899 EDITH HAS IT. 250 00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:42,402 EDITH, GIVE THIS OLD BAT HER EAR TRUMPET. 251 00:11:42,404 --> 00:11:44,271 I AM SORRY, MAMMA. HERE IT IS. 252 00:11:44,273 --> 00:11:47,107 AND WHERE IS MY SUPPER? 253 00:11:47,109 --> 00:11:48,843 LATER, MAMMA, LATER. 254 00:11:48,845 --> 00:11:50,177 QUICK, THE RADIO! 255 00:11:58,887 --> 00:12:02,222 I WILL SPOOK TO MY SECRET HEADQUITTERS. 256 00:12:02,224 --> 00:12:05,192 DO THEY SPOOK IN ENGLISH OR FRONCH? 257 00:12:05,194 --> 00:12:07,027 WE SPEAK IN FRONCH. 258 00:12:08,830 --> 00:12:12,900 'ALLO, 'ALLO. SECRET AGENT CRABTREE COOLING. 259 00:12:12,902 --> 00:12:16,804 CONNOCT ME TO WOMBLEDON ONE SOX, ONE SOX. 260 00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:22,442 Man: Receiving you lewd and clore. 261 00:12:24,779 --> 00:12:26,814 Hold the loon-- 262 00:12:26,816 --> 00:12:28,782 I will connoct you. 263 00:12:30,251 --> 00:12:33,988 MY GOD, THERE IS ANOTHER ONE AT THE OTHER END. 264 00:12:33,990 --> 00:12:36,891 ( telephone rings ) 265 00:12:36,893 --> 00:12:38,291 Woman: 'Allo? 266 00:12:38,293 --> 00:12:41,495 IS THAT WOMBLEDON ONE SOX, ONE SOX? 267 00:12:41,497 --> 00:12:44,331 Oh no, I think you've got the wrong number, love. 268 00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:48,068 This is MacFisheries... 269 00:12:48,070 --> 00:12:49,369 and we're shut. 270 00:12:51,339 --> 00:12:54,842 BIGGER-- THAT WAS THE WRONG NIMBER. 271 00:12:54,844 --> 00:12:57,945 I WILL HAVE TO CHOCK IT IN MY ADDRESS BIKE. 272 00:13:02,050 --> 00:13:03,717 ( Fanny groans ) 273 00:13:03,719 --> 00:13:04,852 EDITH! 274 00:13:04,854 --> 00:13:06,119 EDITH! 275 00:13:06,121 --> 00:13:09,823 WHY IS THERE SOUP IN MY EAR TRUMPET? 276 00:13:09,825 --> 00:13:12,426 GIVE IT TO ME. 277 00:13:12,428 --> 00:13:15,596 - ( blows ) - Edith: RENE! 278 00:13:15,598 --> 00:13:17,598 YOU HAVE BLOWN OLD CARROT 279 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,533 ALL OVER THE CLEAN BEDSPREAD! 280 00:13:20,602 --> 00:13:21,969 MICHELLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 281 00:13:21,971 --> 00:13:23,236 UNDER INTERROGATION, 282 00:13:23,238 --> 00:13:24,838 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS HAD AN HEART ATTACK-- 283 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,073 HIS DICKY TICKER. 284 00:13:26,075 --> 00:13:27,775 HE HAS BEEN TAKEN BY AMBULANCE 285 00:13:27,777 --> 00:13:30,343 TO THE GERMAN WING OF NOUVION GENERAL HOSPITAL. 286 00:13:30,345 --> 00:13:32,379 OH, THAT IS TERRIBLE. 287 00:13:32,381 --> 00:13:34,081 HE HAS NOT YET SIGNED THE NEW WILL 288 00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:35,583 LEAVING EVERYTHING TO ME. 289 00:13:36,585 --> 00:13:38,552 WE MUST GET TO HIM BEFORE HE CAN REVEAL 290 00:13:38,554 --> 00:13:40,353 THAT HE OBTAINED THE STOLEN MONEY 291 00:13:40,355 --> 00:13:41,722 FROM THE HAIRDRESSERS. 292 00:13:41,724 --> 00:13:44,424 HAD YOU NOT BEEN TARTING YOURSELF UP WITH PERMANENT WAVE, 293 00:13:44,426 --> 00:13:45,893 WE WOULD NOT BE IN THIS MESS. 294 00:13:45,895 --> 00:13:48,295 YOU TRY SITTING IN A STEAMY SEWER, 295 00:13:48,297 --> 00:13:50,598 WAITING TO THROW A BOMB AT A PASSING TANK. 296 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,800 YOUR HAIR WOULD GO STRAIGHT. 297 00:13:52,802 --> 00:13:55,703 I HAVE A PLAN TO RESCUE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 298 00:13:55,705 --> 00:13:57,871 LOOK, MAMMA IS EATING THE PASTY! 299 00:13:57,873 --> 00:14:00,307 - OH MY GOD! - SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT! 300 00:14:00,309 --> 00:14:01,441 Michelle: WHY ALL THE FUSS? 301 00:14:01,443 --> 00:14:02,542 WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT? 302 00:14:02,544 --> 00:14:04,244 IT CONTAINS A SUICIDE PILL 303 00:14:04,246 --> 00:14:06,947 TO PREVENT HIM BEING INTERROGATED BY THE GESTAPO. 304 00:14:06,949 --> 00:14:09,950 GESTAPO, GESTAPO. 305 00:14:14,823 --> 00:14:16,624 THANK HEAVENS, 306 00:14:17,626 --> 00:14:19,660 IT IS INTACT. 307 00:14:20,962 --> 00:14:23,263 LUCKY SHE WAS NOT WEARING HER TEETH. 308 00:14:24,966 --> 00:14:26,000 YOU WERE SAYING, MICHELLE? 309 00:14:26,002 --> 00:14:27,534 WE MUST GET INTO THE HOSPITAL 310 00:14:27,536 --> 00:14:29,036 TO RESCUE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 311 00:14:29,038 --> 00:14:31,505 TO DO THIS, WE WILL DISGUISE OURSELVES 312 00:14:31,507 --> 00:14:33,107 AS AMBULANCE WORKERS. 313 00:14:33,109 --> 00:14:36,276 WE WILL HAVE A TROLLEY WITH A FALSE BOTTOM. 314 00:14:36,278 --> 00:14:37,611 IN THE FALSE BOTTOM WILL BE 315 00:14:37,613 --> 00:14:39,146 A DUMMY OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE 316 00:14:39,148 --> 00:14:40,781 WEARING PAJAMAS. 317 00:14:40,783 --> 00:14:42,215 ON THE TOP OF THE TROLLEY, 318 00:14:42,217 --> 00:14:44,417 WILL BE AN EMERGENCY CASE. 319 00:14:44,419 --> 00:14:46,920 WE WILL LOCATE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, 320 00:14:46,922 --> 00:14:48,889 EXCHANGE HIM FOR THE DUMMY, 321 00:14:48,891 --> 00:14:50,858 AND THEN, OUR EMERGENCY PATIENT 322 00:14:50,860 --> 00:14:53,560 WILL DEMAND A SECOND OPINION IN ANOTHER HOSPITAL, 323 00:14:53,562 --> 00:14:55,629 AND WE WILL PUSH THEM BOTH OUT. 324 00:14:55,631 --> 00:14:57,364 WHO WILL BE THE EMERGENCY PATIENT? 325 00:14:57,366 --> 00:14:58,532 YOU. 326 00:14:58,534 --> 00:15:00,233 ME? 327 00:15:00,235 --> 00:15:01,802 WITH FOOD POISONING. 328 00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:03,037 OH, NO, NO. 329 00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:05,706 NOT A CAFE OWNER WITH FOOD POISONING. 330 00:15:05,708 --> 00:15:07,440 IT WILL RUIN MY BUSINESS! 331 00:15:07,442 --> 00:15:09,576 HOW DO YOU FANCY A HERNIA? 332 00:15:09,578 --> 00:15:11,344 ALL RIGHT, 333 00:15:11,346 --> 00:15:13,547 FOOD POISONING IT IS. 334 00:15:17,652 --> 00:15:20,554 HELGA, ARE YOU QUITE CERTAIN 335 00:15:20,556 --> 00:15:23,123 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS NOT SPILT THE BEANS? 336 00:15:23,125 --> 00:15:24,892 HE WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL 337 00:15:24,894 --> 00:15:26,593 BEFORE HERR FLICK COULD QUESTION HIM. 338 00:15:26,595 --> 00:15:28,395 YOU NO TELL ME THAT DOUGH 339 00:15:28,397 --> 00:15:29,529 BELONG TO THE GESTAPO. 340 00:15:29,531 --> 00:15:30,831 YOU GET ME IN HOT WATER. 341 00:15:30,833 --> 00:15:33,466 YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO DAMNED GREEDY. 342 00:15:33,468 --> 00:15:35,002 COLONEL, IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING 343 00:15:35,004 --> 00:15:36,303 THAT HELGA HAS A PLAN. 344 00:15:36,305 --> 00:15:37,905 BRAINS AND BEAUTY, 345 00:15:37,907 --> 00:15:39,073 WHAT A COMBINATION. 346 00:15:39,075 --> 00:15:41,241 SHUT UP. 347 00:15:42,877 --> 00:15:45,645 WE MUST RESCUE HIM OR ELIMINATE HIM. 348 00:15:45,647 --> 00:15:47,647 WHAT IS THE ELIMINATION PLAN? 349 00:15:47,649 --> 00:15:50,751 AN EXPLODING BEDPAN. 350 00:15:52,787 --> 00:15:54,521 THAT APPEALS TO ME. 351 00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:56,590 EXCUSE ME FOR ASKING, 352 00:15:56,592 --> 00:15:58,158 BUT HOW IS IT ACTIVATED? 353 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,127 BY REMOTE CONTROL. 354 00:16:00,129 --> 00:16:02,329 HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN THE BEDPAN IS, 355 00:16:02,331 --> 00:16:04,732 AS IT WERE, IN POSITION? 356 00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:07,634 IN IT, THERE IS A MICROPHONE. 357 00:16:07,636 --> 00:16:09,669 WE WILL HEAR THE VOICE OF THE NURSE 358 00:16:09,671 --> 00:16:11,438 WHEN SHE GIVES IT TO HIM. 359 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,774 IF I MARRY THIS LADY, 360 00:16:13,776 --> 00:16:15,609 I HAVE A VERY EXCITING LIFE, 361 00:16:15,611 --> 00:16:17,711 BUT I DON'T GO TO THE BATHROOM. 362 00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:24,785 ( heart monitor beeping ) 363 00:16:26,721 --> 00:16:29,156 HOW YOU FEELING, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE? 364 00:16:29,158 --> 00:16:31,358 THE THOUGHT OF RETURNING 365 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,026 TO THE GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS 366 00:16:33,028 --> 00:16:35,028 HAS MADE ME JUST A LITTLE TENSE. 367 00:16:36,364 --> 00:16:39,266 - KEEP CALM. - ( beeping speeds up ) 368 00:16:39,268 --> 00:16:41,368 YOUR HEART IS DOING VERY WELL. 369 00:17:03,191 --> 00:17:04,524 WAIT HERE. 370 00:17:04,526 --> 00:17:05,926 I WILL TRY AND FIND OUT 371 00:17:05,928 --> 00:17:08,361 WHICH ROOM MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS IN. 372 00:17:08,363 --> 00:17:11,431 WHAT IS THIS IDIOT DOING HERE? 373 00:17:11,433 --> 00:17:13,466 IT IS A GOOD DISGEESE. 374 00:17:13,468 --> 00:17:16,603 I CAN WICK ANYWHERE IN THE HOSPITAL 375 00:17:16,605 --> 00:17:19,339 WITHOUT AREESING SISPOOCION. 376 00:17:19,341 --> 00:17:22,810 ALL THEY CAN SEE IS MY EEBREWS. 377 00:17:22,812 --> 00:17:24,644 I HAVE ONE DUMMY UNDER THE TROLLEY, 378 00:17:24,646 --> 00:17:26,280 AND ANOTHER ONE PUSHING IT. 379 00:17:26,282 --> 00:17:27,881 IF WE ARE IN TROUBLE, 380 00:17:27,883 --> 00:17:29,283 WE WILL FIGHT OUR WAY OUT. 381 00:17:29,285 --> 00:17:30,918 ( whispering ) I HAVE THE KNIFE. 382 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,153 WHERE IS THE GUN? 383 00:17:35,924 --> 00:17:38,391 AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE, 384 00:17:38,393 --> 00:17:41,128 I WILL GRAB IT. 385 00:17:41,130 --> 00:17:42,562 GIVE IT TO ME. 386 00:17:47,869 --> 00:17:49,703 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 387 00:17:49,705 --> 00:17:51,504 AH, MADAME EDITH. 388 00:17:51,506 --> 00:17:52,873 ( beeping very fast ) 389 00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:54,308 JUST THE SIGHT OF YOU 390 00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:58,212 HAS ACTIVATED MY MACHINERY. 391 00:17:58,214 --> 00:17:59,646 WE HAVE COME TO RESCUE YOU. 392 00:17:59,648 --> 00:18:01,514 NOW, KEEP CALM 393 00:18:01,516 --> 00:18:02,749 AND DO AS YOU ARE TOLD. 394 00:18:02,751 --> 00:18:05,018 I AM ENTIRELY IN YOUR HANDS, MADAME. 395 00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:06,486 ( beeping extremely fast ) 396 00:18:06,488 --> 00:18:08,856 ONCE AGAIN, MY IMAGINATION RUNS RIOT. 397 00:18:12,227 --> 00:18:13,961 QUICK, HE IS IN HERE. 398 00:18:23,271 --> 00:18:25,538 REMOVE THE WIRES FROM HIS CHEST. 399 00:18:25,540 --> 00:18:29,009 IT IS ATTACHED TO ME BY STRONG HOSPITAL TAPE. 400 00:18:29,011 --> 00:18:30,677 IT WILL BE OVER VERY QUOCKLY 401 00:18:30,679 --> 00:18:33,113 IF YOU GIVE HIM ONE STRONG PILL. 402 00:18:33,115 --> 00:18:34,581 I AM READY. 403 00:18:36,351 --> 00:18:37,584 GAH! 404 00:18:38,652 --> 00:18:40,120 AAH! 405 00:18:41,589 --> 00:18:44,057 WE WILL HOLD HIM DOWN WHILE YOU PULL. 406 00:18:50,498 --> 00:18:51,731 AAH! 407 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,768 AAH! 408 00:18:54,770 --> 00:18:56,904 NEVER MIND. GET HIM ONTO THE TROLLEY, 409 00:18:56,906 --> 00:18:58,605 WE'LL TAKE THE MACHINE WITH US. 410 00:19:11,052 --> 00:19:13,253 COLONEL, THE COAST IS CLEAR. 411 00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:25,332 MAKE CERTAIN WE ARE IN COMMUNICATION WITH HELGA. 412 00:19:25,334 --> 00:19:27,667 BEDPAN TO CONTROL, 413 00:19:27,669 --> 00:19:30,203 BEDPAN TO CONTROL. 414 00:19:30,205 --> 00:19:32,739 Helga: Hello, Bedpan, 415 00:19:32,741 --> 00:19:34,808 hello, Bedpan. 416 00:19:34,810 --> 00:19:36,876 Control here. 417 00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:38,445 WE ARE RECEIVING YOU. 418 00:19:38,447 --> 00:19:40,914 WE ARE READY TO ACTIVATE. 419 00:19:40,916 --> 00:19:43,150 SHALL I PRESS THE PLUNGER? 420 00:19:43,152 --> 00:19:45,118 NOT UNTIL YOU HEAR THE AGREED SIGNAL. 421 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,287 TELL ME AGAIN THE AGREED SIGNAL. 422 00:19:47,289 --> 00:19:48,655 A VOICE WILL SAY, 423 00:19:48,657 --> 00:19:50,523 "HERE IS THE BEDPAN." 424 00:19:50,525 --> 00:19:53,193 YOU COUNT TO 10, AND THEN YOU PLUNGE. 425 00:19:53,195 --> 00:19:56,529 10 AND THEN PLUNGE. 426 00:19:57,598 --> 00:19:58,932 WHAT IS YOUR POSITION? 427 00:19:58,934 --> 00:20:01,234 WE ARE INSIDE THE HOSPITAL, 428 00:20:01,236 --> 00:20:04,104 PROCEEDING TO THE SECOND FLOOR. 429 00:20:04,106 --> 00:20:06,073 WE ARE INSIDE THE HOS-- 430 00:20:07,875 --> 00:20:09,909 WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO YOUR BEDPAN? 431 00:20:10,911 --> 00:20:12,245 SHE'S PSYCHIC, 432 00:20:12,247 --> 00:20:14,781 A PATIENT OF HERS DIED ON IT. 433 00:20:16,484 --> 00:20:18,751 IS THERE ANYBODY THERE? 434 00:20:18,753 --> 00:20:21,721 IS THERE ANYBODY THERE? 435 00:20:21,723 --> 00:20:23,857 KNOCK ONCE FOR YES, 436 00:20:23,859 --> 00:20:25,025 TWICE FOR NO. 437 00:20:25,027 --> 00:20:26,126 ( knocks once ) 438 00:20:31,699 --> 00:20:33,500 Edith: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE? 439 00:20:33,502 --> 00:20:35,502 AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED. 440 00:20:36,504 --> 00:20:37,570 WHAT ABOUT ME? NOBODY ASKS 441 00:20:37,572 --> 00:20:38,805 IF I AM ALL RIGHT. 442 00:20:38,807 --> 00:20:40,140 SHUT UP. 443 00:20:40,142 --> 00:20:41,808 QUICK, THROUGH THE DOOR. 444 00:20:51,919 --> 00:20:53,987 - WAIT! - WHAT? 445 00:20:53,989 --> 00:20:55,922 WE MUST COVER THE DUMMY. 446 00:21:01,629 --> 00:21:04,064 MY GOD, THERE IS A GERMAN SOLDIER COMING. 447 00:21:04,066 --> 00:21:06,066 DO NOT GIVE ME AWAY, MONSIEUR. 448 00:21:06,068 --> 00:21:07,467 ( monitor beeping very fast ) 449 00:21:08,503 --> 00:21:11,038 BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! 450 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,639 BEEP BEEP BEEP... 451 00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:16,309 - ( flatulent sound ) - BEEEEEP. 452 00:21:16,311 --> 00:21:18,111 BEEP BEEP BEEP... 453 00:21:22,483 --> 00:21:23,883 AH! 454 00:21:25,486 --> 00:21:27,454 WHERE IS THE FRENCH PEASANT WOMAN? 455 00:21:27,456 --> 00:21:29,423 I AM READY TO PERFORM THE CAESAREAN. 456 00:21:29,425 --> 00:21:31,191 SHE IS WAITING HERE, DOCTOR. 457 00:21:33,761 --> 00:21:35,195 BRING HER IN. 458 00:21:43,438 --> 00:21:45,972 THERE, THAT IS BETTER. 459 00:21:45,974 --> 00:21:48,375 QUICK, WE MUST GET THE TROLLEY AND SCARPER. 460 00:21:52,746 --> 00:21:53,913 IT IS GONE. 461 00:21:53,915 --> 00:21:55,782 HOW CAN IT BE GONE? 462 00:21:55,784 --> 00:21:56,950 I KNOW RENE. 463 00:21:56,952 --> 00:21:59,453 HE WILL HAVE WHEELED IT OUT HIMSELF. 464 00:22:01,456 --> 00:22:02,889 THE GUARDS! 465 00:22:02,891 --> 00:22:04,657 LET US GAY OUT THE BACK WEE. 466 00:22:14,235 --> 00:22:15,402 HIS NAME IS ON THE DOOR. 467 00:22:15,404 --> 00:22:16,736 HE WILL BE IN HERE. 468 00:22:16,738 --> 00:22:19,038 I WILL POSITION THE DEVICE. 469 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,940 HERE IS THE BEDPAN. 470 00:22:20,942 --> 00:22:22,576 THAT IS THE SIGNAL. 471 00:22:22,578 --> 00:22:25,912 10, NINE, EIGHT-- 472 00:22:25,914 --> 00:22:27,780 STOP, STOP, FALSE ALARM. 473 00:22:27,782 --> 00:22:29,916 I WAS HANDING IT TO THE COLONEL. 474 00:22:29,918 --> 00:22:31,284 GRUBER, YOU FOOL. 475 00:22:31,286 --> 00:22:32,785 YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME. 476 00:22:32,787 --> 00:22:34,221 ONLY TAKE YOUR ORDERS 477 00:22:34,223 --> 00:22:35,722 WHEN YOU HEAR ME SPEAK. 478 00:22:35,724 --> 00:22:37,124 Helga: Yes, Colonel. 479 00:22:37,126 --> 00:22:39,426 RIGHT. WE WILL SHOVE IT UNDER, 480 00:22:39,428 --> 00:22:42,061 AND WE WILL RUN. 481 00:22:42,063 --> 00:22:44,331 HERE IS THE BEDPAN. 482 00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:48,502 Both: FOUR, THREE, 483 00:22:48,504 --> 00:22:50,703 TWO, ONE, 484 00:22:50,705 --> 00:22:52,105 PLUNGE! 485 00:22:52,107 --> 00:22:54,107 ( explosion ) 486 00:22:55,643 --> 00:22:57,410 THE R.A.F. ARE BOMBING US! 487 00:22:57,412 --> 00:22:58,612 INTO THE SHELTERS! 488 00:23:04,785 --> 00:23:06,453 ( coughing ) 489 00:23:08,523 --> 00:23:10,157 OH MY GOD, 490 00:23:10,159 --> 00:23:12,526 MY DICKY TICKER. 491 00:23:15,763 --> 00:23:18,198 ( theme music playing )