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( theme music playing )
IF YOU HAVE NOT BEEN FOLLOWING EVENTS VERY CLOSELY,
YOU MIGHT THINK THAT THESE ARTICLES
THAT I AM PACKING INTO WINE CRATES,
ARE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
IF THEY WERE, I WOULD NOT BE HANDLING THEM SO GINGERLY
AT HALF PAST 1:00 IN THE MORNING.
THESE THINGS ARE, IN FACT,
MANUFACTURED FROM HIGH EXPLOSIVES,
TAKEN FROM TWO GERMAN LAND MINES.
BEFORE LONG, NO DOUBT, THE MEMBERS OF THE RESISTANCE
WILL BE STANDING ON RAILWAY BRIDGES,
LIGHTING THESE PRICKLY FUSES,
AND THROWING THE WHOLE THING DOWN THE FUNNEL
OF SOME PASSING, FAST MOVING, EXPRESS TRAIN,
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY OUR RAILWAYS
ARE NOT RUNNING TO TIME THESE DAYS.
THE TWO LAND MINES THAT I MENTIONED,
ARE NOW EMPTY OF DYNAMITE,
AND WILL SHORTLY BE FILLED WITH TWO BRITISH AIRMEN,
WHO ARE HIDING NEARBY.
CAN YOU GUESS WHERE?
- HELLO. - HELLO.
Yvette: RENE, RENE.
THAT IS YVETTE, ONE OF MY WAITRESSES.
NATURALLY, SHE CANNOT KEEP HER HANDS OFF ME,
ALTHOUGH I DO NOT ENCOURAGE HER.
I AM DOWN HERE, MY SWEET.
OH, RENE, I COULD NOT SLEEP.
I WAS HAVING A NIBBLE IN THE LARDER,
AMONGST THE KNOCKWURST SAUSAGES
AND SUDDENLY, I THOUGHT OF YOU.
YVETTE, YOU MUST NOT
LET YOUR MIND DWELL ON ME.
AFTER ALL, I AM NEARLY 20 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU ARE.
WHEN I AM 90, YOU WILL STILL ONLY BE 70.
I WILL STILL FEEL THE SAME.
NOT TO ME, YOU WON'T.
OH, RENE, HOLD ME FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT.
CRUSH YOUR NIGHTGOWN TO MY NIGHTGOWN.
WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT, I CANNOT SAY NO.
OH, RRR-RENE.
I CAN FEEL THE BOLD EMBROIDERY
OF YOUR NIGHTGOWN
IMPRESSING ITSELF UPON MY BOSOM.
OH, YVETTE,
HAVE YOU ANY IDEA OF THE EXCITEMENT
THAT STIRS WITHIN ME WHEN I CRUSH
YOUR STARCHED LINEN NIGHTDRESS IN MY HAND?
YES, I HAVE.
MY GOD, YOU HAVE LIT THE FUSE.
HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED TO HEAR THOSE WORDS
FROM YOUR SENSUOUS LIPS.
Edith: RENE?
RENE--
RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE VERY NEARLY HAD A BIG BANG IN THE CELLAR.
IT IS NOW ONE HOUR SINCE THE BELL
FELL UPON VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED SOME WHIMPERING NOISE FROM HIM.
THERE IS NOT MUCH ROOM
FOR AIR TO BE ADMITTED THROUGH THIS SMALL CRACK,
PERHAPS HE HAS SUFFOCATED.
I SEE HIS HAND PROTRUDING.
TREAD ON IT.
AARGHH!
HE'S ALIVE.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN?
BONG ONCE FOR YES,
AND TWICE FOR NO.
( one bong )
DO YOU WISH
TO HAVE A HAM SANDWICH?
( one bong )
WITH MUSTARD?
( two bongs )
HOLD THE MUSTARD.
HERR FLICK, THE SANDWICH IS TOO THICK
TO GO THROUGH THE CRACK.
THEN REMOVE THE HAM.
HE HAS TAKEN IT.
THE LASHINGS ARE IN PLACE.
ASSIST ME WITH THE PULLING.
HERR FLICK,
DID YOU SEE ANYTHING
WHEN YOU WERE SUSPENDED BY THE CLAPPERS?
DESPITE THE FACT
THAT MY EYES WERE WATERING
DUE TO THE DRAFT BLOWING THROUGH THE OPEN APERTURE,
I SAW SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS
IN THE BUILDER'S YARD NEXT TO THE CAFE.
WE WILL INVESTIGATE
WHEN WE HAVE RELEASED VON SMALLHAUSEN.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
I HAVE A VERY SORE HEAD.
THAT IS THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS.
YOU HAVE BEEN SQUASHED WELL BELOW
THE MINIMUM HEIGHT REQUIRED
FOR MEMBERS OF THE GESTAPO.
LET ME HAVE YOUR RESIGNATION IN THE MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, COLONEL.
GRUBER, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
TO KNOCK GENTLY BEFORE YOU ENTER?
YOU PUT ME OFF MY SHOT.
SORRY, COLONEL.
NOW, HAVE YOU FOUND THE LAND MINES?
I HAVE DRIVEN ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE IN MY LITTLE TANK.
THERE IS NOT A WHISPER OF THEM.
THE GENERAL IS NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS.
YOU DO NOT SEEM VERY CONCERNED, COLONEL.
WHY SHOULD I?
I TOLD HIM I DELEGATED THE TASK TO YOU,
AND YOU HAVE FAILED!
COLONEL, I HAVE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS.
IN COMPLIANCE WITH YOUR ORDERS,
I HAVE BEEN SPYING ON HERR FLICK.
AS A RESULT, I CAN TELL YOU HE BELIEVES
HE KNOWS THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE MISSING LAND MINES.
WELL DONE, HELGA. WHERE ARE THEY?
IN THE BUILDERS' YARD ADJACENT TO RENE'S CAFE.
GOOD. I WILL CONVEY THIS TO THE GENERAL.
NO, I WILL CONVEY THIS TO THE GENERAL.
BUT YOU DELEGATED ME TO FIND THE LAND MINES.
I CONVEY THE GOOD NEWS.
JUNIOR OFFICERS CONVEY THE BAD NEWS.
( door opens )
MIMI, HAVE YOU NOT FINISHED WRITING THOSE MENUS OUT YET?
IT TAKES A LONG TIME, RENE.
I'M USING MY VERY BEST JOINED-UP HANDWRITING,
AND EVERY TIME I LOOK UP AND SEE YOU,
I GO ALL WOBBLY.
IT IS ONLY TO BE EXPECTED.
IF I DID NOT CONTROL MY CHARISMA,
THERE WOULD BE NO WORK DONE ROUND HERE AT ALL.
YOU DO NOT HAVE FOUR F's IN STROGANOFF.
MIMI, GO AT ONCE INTO THE KITCHEN.
PEEL THE POTATOES, SCRUB THE FLOOR,
AND WASH UP ALL THOSE DIRTY PANS.
WHAT ABOUT MY HANDS?
WASH THOSE, AS WELL.
UH, WH-- WHAT IS THE MATTER, EDITH?
I WANTED TO SEE YOU ALONE, RENE.
OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW?
YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING, RENE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN YOUR BRAVE,
LONG-SUFFERING SELF,
AND I HAVE NOT BEEN WORTHY OF YOU.
I BEHAVE LIKE A JEALOUS YOUNG GIRL
EVERY TIME I SEE ANOTHER WOMAN COME NEAR YOU.
YET ALL THE WHILE, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE FAITHFUL
AND HAVE EYES ONLY FOR ME.
AND TO THINK, LAST NIGHT,
YOU WERE RISKING YOUR LIFE
BEING BLOWN UP BY AN EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDING.
AND THE ONLY THOUGHT THAT WAS RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND--
INSTEAD OF ADMIRING YOUR BRAVERY-- WAS,
"IS HE KNOCKING UP THAT BARMAID?"
OH, EDITH,
WHAT A TREASURE I HAVE IN YOU.
I LOOK AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL YOUNG FACE,
HIDDEN BY ALL THOSE CAREWORN LINES,
MY HEART MISSES A BEAT.
OH, RENE, DO YOU STILL FEEL
THE SAME SURGE OF EXCITEMENT
AS YOU DID ON THE FIRST NIGHT OF OUR HONEYMOON?
YOU MEAN WHEN THE HOTEL CAUGHT FIRE?
YOU WERE WONDERFUL.
YOU CARRIED ME, UNCONSCIOUS,
TO SAFETY IN YOUR ARMS.
I COULD NOT GET YOUR WEDDING RING OFF.
ALWAYS THE JOKER,
ALWAYS TRYING TO HIDE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS.
IT IS NOT EASY, EDITH.
OH, GO AWAY, WE ARE NOT YET OPEN.
WE MUST LET HER IN.
IT MAY BE VITALLY IMPORTANT.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, WE ARE LISTENING
VERY CAREFULLY, SO GET ON WITH IT.
THE LAND MINES WILL BE TRANSPORTED
TO THE WAREHOUSE TONIGHT.
MAKE SURE THE AIRMEN ARE INSIDE BY 1800 HOURS.
I CANNOT WAIT TO GET RID OF THEM.
OH, AND I NEED TWO CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS,
TO DROP DOWN THE FUNNEL OF THE 12:30 EXPRESS.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
AS I THOUGHT, THE MISSING LAND MINES.
SOMEBODY HAS TAMPERED WITH IT, HERR FLICK.
LOOK INSIDE. FOR ONCE, VON SMALLHAUSEN,
I BELIEVE YOU MAY BE RIGHT.
THE EXPLOSIVE SUBSTANCE
HAS BEEN REMOVED.
IN ITS PLACE,
I SEE A PARACHUTE.
WHAT IS YOUR CONCLUSION?
SOMEBODY HAS PUT IT THERE, HERR FLICK.
WE WILL OCCUPY THESE EMPTY LAND MINES.
IT IS MY OPINION THAT UNDER COVER OF THE DARKNESS,
THE RESISTANCE WILL TRANSPORT THEM
TO THEIR SECRET HEADQUARTERS.
AS SOON AS WE HEAR
SOMEBODY SPEAKING IN THE FRENCH TONGUE,
WE WILL LEAP OUT, SUBDUE THEM, ARREST THEM,
AND MARCH THEM TO GESTAPO HOUSE.
WE ARE VERY BRAVE, ARE WE NOT, HERR FLICK?
WE ARE MAD AS HATTERS.
BUT THAT IS THE GESTAPO FOR YOU.
INTO ACTION.
C'MON, GO, GO!
GET A MOVE, YOU!
SHUT UP, YOU NO GOOD FOR NOTHING.
YOU WANNA INVADE THE ENGLAND?
All: Sí, Sí.
IF CAESAR CAN DO IT,
WE CAN DO IT.
THAT'S GOOD.
NOW, TO INVADE ENGLAND, YOU MUST BE FIT.
I MAKE YOU FIT,
WITH THE MUSCLES LIKE THE IRON.
BEND THE KNEES.
BEND THE KNEES!
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.
( men groan )
KNEES STRAIGHT.
( groaning )
BEND THE KNEES.
KNEES STRAIGHT.
KNEES BEND,
KNEES STRAIGHT.
KNEES-- HEY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THESE MEN?
GET ON YOUR FEET.
NOW YOU MAKE THE ARMS AND THE LEGS
JUMP THE STRIDE.
LIKE THIS.
HUPA, HUPA, HUPA.
NOW IS YOUR TURN.
ARMS AND LEGS STRIDE.
BEGIN. HUPA, HUPA.
ABSOLUTE SHOWER.
IGNORE THEM.
THE MISSING LAND MINES.
WELL DONE, HELGA.
NOW THAT WE HAVE FOUND THEM,
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THEM?
WE MUST DELIVER THEM TO THE AIR BASE.
WHAT IF THEY ARE BOOBY-TRAPPED?
A GOOD POINT, HELGA.
YOU ARE WORKING WELL TODAY.
WHY DO WE NOT ORDER
CAPTAIN ALBERTO AND HIS MEN
TO CARRY OUT THE REMOVAL OPERATION?
A GOOD IDEA, GRUBER.
THEN, IF THEY BLOW UP,
IT WILL GET THAT DREADFUL ITALIAN OFF OUR BACKS.
I'M WORKING VERY WELL TOO.
BREATHE OUT,
BREATHE IN.
CAPTAIN ALBERTO,
WE HAVE A LITTLE JOB FOR YOU.
ME, MY MEN, WE IN GREAT CONDITION. WE READY FOR ANYTHING.
CAPITANO, THE MEN ALL BREATHE IN,
WHEN THEY BREATHE OUT?
YOU NO MUCK ABOUT.
WE GOT THE JOB TO DO.
MAKE THE LISTENING GOOD. OKAY, COLONEL,
TELL THE BOYS.
GRUBER, YOU TELL THEM.
MY NAME IS LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
HEY, NICE BOOTS, EH?
HE'S A PRETTY BOY.
I WANT THAT MAN'S NAME.
I BET YOU DO.
GET ON WITH IT, GRUBER.
WE HAVE FOUND THE MISSING LAND MINES.
WE WANT YOU
TO PUT THEM ON YOUR TRUCK,
AND TAKE THEM
TO THE GERMAN AIR FORCE BASE.
IS A PIECE OF CAKE, NO?
- NO PROBLEM. - WHERE THEY SITTING?
WALK THIS WAY.
THERE THEY ARE.
OH, NICE LAND MINES, EH, BOYS?
NOW REMEMBER,
THEY ARE FULL OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES.
ONE CLUMSY MOVE
AND THEY WILL GO OFF-- BANG!
Soldier: OH, HECK.
HEY, COME BACK, YOU YELLOW SCUMBAGS.
EDITH,
AWWW!
WILL NO ONE HEAR THE CRIES
OF A STARVING OLD WOMAN?
EDITH!
IT IS ALL RIGHT, MAMMA.
I HAVE BROUGHT FOR YOU, YOUR LUNCH.
GOOD. WHAT IS IT?
PRUNE AND ONION SOUP.
OH.
PRUNE AND ONION SOUP?
WHAT IS TO FOLLOW?
DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
WHY CAN I NOT HAVE
SOME GOOD RED MEAT?
YVETTE GAVE IT TO THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
BRITISH AIRMEN.
( spits )
MAMMA,
WHAT IS THE MATTER?
WHAT HAVE THE BRITISH
EVER DONE FOR US, EH?
LOOK AT AGINCOURT.
TRUE.
AND WHAT DID THEY DO
TO NAPOLEON?!
VERY TRUE.
AND WHAT ABOUT
SIR PERCY BLAKENEY?
WHO?
OH, EDITH.
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL.
JUST AS WE,
THE WORKERS, HAD OUR HANDS
ON THE CURSED ARISTOCRATS,
HE CAME AND RESCUED THEM.
MAMMA,
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU VOTED CONSERVATIVE?
LOOK AT DUNKIRK.
WHO JUMPED INTO THE BOATS FIRST?
THE BRITISH.
NEVER MIND, MAMMA.
THE AIRMEN WILL BE GONE BY TONIGHT.
- AIRMEN. - ( spits )
GOOD, YOU ARE BOTH HERE.
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
HOW UNUSUAL.
THE GERMANS HAVE DISCOVERED THE WHEREABOUTS
OF THE LAND MINES AND THEY HAVE TAKEN THEM
BACK TO THE AIR FORCE BASE.
LOOK, MICHELLE, I AM NOT KEEPING
THESE BRITISH AIRMEN HERE ONE MOMENT LONGER.
THEY ARE IN THE CELLAR, PACKED IN BARRELS,
NEXT TO THE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS AND THEY MUST GO TONIGHT.
DO NOT WORRY. ALL IS NOT LOST.
WE HAVE AN AGENT AT THE BASE.
WE KNOW PRECISELY
THE POSITION OF THE LAND MINES.
THEY ARE IN THE LAND MINE STORE.
THE TWO BARRELS CONTAINING THE AIRMEN
WILL BE TRANSPORTED TO THE AIRPORT BASE.
THEY WILL BE ALLOWED IN
AS A CONSIGNMENT OF BEER
FOR THE SERGEANTS' MESS,
WHICH IS BEING SENT WITH YOUR COMPLIMENTS.
ONCE PAST THE GUARDS,
IT WILL BE A SIMPLE MATTER
TO GET THEM INTO THE LAND MINE STORE,
BECAUSE IT IS NEXT TO THE SERGEANTS' MESS.
I HAVE TO HAND IT TO YOU, MICHELLE.
YOU COME UP WITH SOME RIDICULOUS PLANS,
BUT YOU AND YOUR GIRLS
MUST BE VERY, VERY BRAVE TO DO THIS.
WOMEN ARE NOT ALLOWED IN AT THE BASE.
- YOU ARE GOING. - ME?!
WHY SHOULD-- WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?
BECAUSE IT IS YOUR BEER.
AH, HA!
BUT IF IT IS HIS BEER,
WHY DO I HAVE TO GO?
BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO BARRELS.
MICHELLE, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
THERE IS THE CURFEW.
YES, THERE'S THE CURFEW.
WE CANNOT GO.
QUITE RIGHT, WE CANNOT GO.
- I JUST TOLD HER THAT. - SHUT UP.
BRITISH AGENT CRABTREE WILL ESCORT YOU,
DISGUISED AS A POLICEMAN.
OH MY--
Fairfax: CARSTAIRS?
WHAT ARE THEY GIVING YOU?
SAUSAGES.
OH, NOT AGAIN.
WE'VE HAD SAUSAGES THREE DAYS.
I THINK IT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT'LL GO THROUGH THE HOLE.
LISTEN, CHAPS, MICHELLE HERE.
Both: HELLO.
WE ARE GOING TO GET YOU INTO THE LAND MINES TONIGHT.
NOW REMEMBER, WHEN THEY DROP YOU OVER ENGLAND,
YOU HAVE EXACTLY 17 SECONDS TO UNSCREW THE HATCHES,
CLIMB OUT, POP ON THE OLD PARACHUTES AND JUMP.
IS THAT CLEAR?
( garbled ) ROGER, MESSAGE RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD.
CARSTAIRS, DON'T SPEAK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL.
HALT!
WHAT IS THE PASSWORD?
ON THESE TWO TRILLEYS,
ARE TWO BORRELS OF BOOR
FOR THE SERGEANTS' MISS.
THEY ARE A GOFT FROM RONNIE'S CIFFEE.
IF YOU ROOD
THIS HANDWROTTEN NEWT,
ALL WILL BE EXPLONED.
WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?
HE IS FROM THE MOUNTAINS.
THIS IS A PRESENT OF BEER FOR THE SERGEANTS' MESS.
PASS, FRIEND.
HERR FLICK, HERR FLICK!
( knocking )
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
IT'S VERY QUIET IN HERE.
WHERE DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
IT IS MY BELIEF THAT WE ARE
IN THE SECRET HEADQUARTERS OF THE RESISTANCE.
THEY HAVE STOLEN A LOT OF LAND MINES, HAVE THEY NOT?
WE WILL REMAIN CONCEALED
UNTIL WE HEAR VOICES SPEAK WITH A FRENCH TONGUE.
THEN WE WILL LEAP OUT.
IN MY CASE, SLOWLY.
MY HOUSEMAID'S KNEE IS GIVING ME GYP.
I HEAR SOMEONE APPROACH.
SCREW YOURSELF DOWN.
( doors creak )
Barrel #1: ( muffled yell )
SORRY, SORRY.
Barrel #2: I SAY, WHAT'S GOING ON-NNN!
WE MUST QUICKLY FIND WHICH OF THE LAND MINES ARE EMPTY,
GET THE AIRMEN INTO THEM AND THEN CLEAR OUT OF HERE,
LIKE BATS OUT OF HELL.
HERE, I HAVE A HAMMER.
I WILL BANG THE CASINGS
AND WE CAN TELL WHICH ONES ARE HOLLOW.
STOP IT, YOU FOOL!
THEY ARE FULL OF EXPLOSIVES. DO YOU WANT TO KILL US ALL?
EXPLOSIVES?!
THE EMPTY WINS HAVE CRISSES ON THEM.
LOOK, THERE THEY ARE, OVER HERE.
- ( German voices ) - SHHH!
SOMEBODY COMING.
QUICK, HIDE!
THOSE ARE THE ONES, OVER THERE.
WHERE ARE THEY GOING TONIGHT?
IT IS A SECRET, AS USUAL.
( sniffing )
( muffled sneeze )
DIMNATION.
FILED AT THE 11th EAR.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
( airman moans )
GUNTER, WE WILL BE OVER THE COAST
ANY MINUTE.
IF WE HAD ANY SENSE, WE WOULD DROP OUR BOMBS
IN THE SEA AND TURN AROUND.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
WHY DO WE RISK OUR LIVES FOR THIS IDIOT, CARPET CHEWING,
HOUSE PAINTER HITLER?
WE COULD NOT TALK LIKE THIS AT THE AIRBASE, JA?
THE GESTAPO ARE EVERYWHERE.
BUT HERE WE ARE FREE.
WE CAN SAY WHAT WE THINK.
Both: ♪ GOERING IS AN IDIOT ♪
♪ GOEBBELS IS A TWIT ♪
♪ HIMMLER IS A PAIN IN THE BUM ♪
♪ AND HITLER IS A-- ♪
MY GOD, THE GESTAPO!
YOU ARE NOT SAFE ANYWHERE.
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