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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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( theme music playing )
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YOU ARE PROBABLY
SAYING TO YOURSELVES,
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"HELLO, WHAT IS
THIS MAN UP TO?"
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I WILL TELL YOU.
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HE IS UP TO
THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
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HE IS TRYING TO WEDGE
THE LITTLE DOOR.
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AND WHY IS HE DOING THAT?
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I WILL SHOW YOU.
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( clock cuckoos )
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THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
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WHEN YOU REPLACE
THE REAL WEIGHT
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WITH ONE MADE FROM
FOUR BARS OF PURE GOLD
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BELONGING TO
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,
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WHICH I HAD
STOLEN EARLIER,
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MELTED DOWN
AND PAINTED BROWN.
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I AM, OF COURSE,
TRYING TO PUT OUT OF MY MIND
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THE 257 EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS
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WHICH ARE STILL
IN MY CELLAR,
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EACH ONE MARKED,
"BEST BEFORE D-DAY,"
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WHATEVER THAT MAY MEAN.
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OTHERWISE, YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO HEAR THAT
THE PAINTING
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OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH A LOT UP TOP
BY VAN CLOMP,
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TOGETHER WITH THE PAINTING
OF THE CRACKED VASE
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WITH THE BIG DAISIES
BY VAN GOGH,
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WHICH WE RECENTLY RETRIEVED
FROM UNDER THE VERY NOSES
OF THE GERMAN GENERALS,
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ARE SAFELY HIDDEN IN
THESE PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI.
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SO FOR ONCE,
I AM LOOKING FORWARD
TO A LITTLE PEACE.
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OH, RENE.
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AND HERE SHE IS.
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MY BODY IS
CRYING OUT FOR YOU.
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TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS.
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Both:
OOH!
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OH, RENE!
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WHAT IS HAPPENING?
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DO NOT FIGHT IT,
YVETTE.
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IT IS BIGGER
THAN BOTH OF US.
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RENE. RENE!
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WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND HER?
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YOU STUPID WOMAN.
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JUST BECAUSE
THERE IS A WAR ON,
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BALLROOM DANCING
CANNOT BE ALLOWED
TO DIE OUT.
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NOW ONCE AGAIN,
SLOW, SLOW, QUICK,
QUICK, SLOW.
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( both humming )
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA. ♪
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YES, VERY GOOD, YVETTE.
NOW RUN ALONG.
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SHALL WE TANGO, EDITH?
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YES, YES, I KNOW IT IS
BEFORE LUNCHTIME,
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BUT AFTER ALL,
WE ARE MAN AND WIFE.
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RENE, I THINK
I SHOULD TELL YOU
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MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS JUST PROPOSED TO ME.
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BUT EDITH,
YOU ARE MY WIFE.
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IN THE EYES
OF THE WORLD
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I AM THE WIFE
OF YOUR DEAD
TWIN BROTHER.
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BUT I AM
MY DEAD TWIN BROTHER.
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I HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
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WHAT?
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HE LOVES ME.
YOU DO NOT.
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BUT IF YOU MARRY HIM
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HE WILL OWN THIS CAFE
AND EVERYTHING IN IT.
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SO?
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EDITH! EDITH,
COME BACK HERE.
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WHAT FOOLISH NOTIONS
HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING
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INTO THE EMPTY HEAD
OF MY WIFE?
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SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE.
YOU ARE DEAD.
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WHO SAYS SO?
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I DO.
I AM THE UNDERTAKER.
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I BURIED YOU.
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WELL, I AM A VERY
DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER.
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I MUST NOW ASK PERMISSION
FOR YOUR HAND
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FROM YOUR CHARMING MOTHER.
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- WHERE IS SHE?
- SHE IS RESTING.
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ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
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I KNOW. I KNOW.
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IT IS A LONG STEEP CLIMB.
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BE CAREFUL OF
YOUR DICKY TICKER.
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I SHALL ASCEND ON
THE WINGS OF LOVE.
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RENE, MADAME EDITH--
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OH, HECK,
MORE TROUBLE.
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GATHER ROUND,
ALL OF YOU.
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ALL OF WHO?
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LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
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I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
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LONDON WISHES US TO INITIATE
OPERATION WATERLOO.
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WATERLOO?
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LONDON SAID IT WAS A WORD
EVERY FRENCHMAN KNOWS.
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YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM
FULL MARKS FOR TACT.
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THE BRITISH AIRMEN
WILL BE TAKEN AWAY.
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I THOUGHT THEY
HAD ALREADY GONE.
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NO, NO. THEY WILL BE
HANGING AROUND SOMEWHERE.
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- HELLO.
- WHAT HO!
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THE MIDGET SUBMARINE
WILL BE HERE
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TO COLLECT YOU
TONIGHT.
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HERE ARE
YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
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AS WITH ALL
SECRET INSTRUCTIONS,
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YOU WILL EAT THEM
TO PREVENT THEM FROM
FALLING INTO ENEMY HANDS.
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- RIGHT-O.
- WILL DO.
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YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO
READ THEM FIRST.
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Guard:
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
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- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.
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NOT IN HERE.
YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE.
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NOT IN HERE.
YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE.
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I WILL DO THIS ROOM.
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GENERAL, IT'S ALREADY
BEEN HOOVERED THIS MORNING.
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IT WAS NOT A HOOVER.
THAT WAS A MINE DETECTOR.
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THERE ARE
NO MINES HERE.
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IT ALSO DETECTS METAL,
HIDDEN METAL.
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NOTHING IS HIDDEN
IN THIS ROOM.
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YOUR ASSURANCES,
COLONEL,
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ARE WORTHLESS.
MAY I REMIND YOU
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THAT A GESTAPO MICROPHONE
WAS FOUND HIDDEN
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ON YOUR DESK IN
A BOWL OF DAFFODILS?
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THAT HAS BEEN
DEALT WITH.
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WE THREW IT AWAY
WHEN THE WATER
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GOT GREEN AND SMELLY.
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YOU MAY SPEAK FREELY,
THERE ARE NO MORE BUGS HERE.
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I AM RELIEVED
TO HEAR IT.
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GENERAL,
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THIS METAL
YOU ARE LOOKING FOR,
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IS IT GOLD?
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WHAT?
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FOR STASHING AWAY
UNTIL AFTER THE WAR?
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OF COURSE
IT IS NOT GOLD.
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I MEAN,
A PRECIOUS METAL.
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NO.
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- WELL, SEMI-PRECIOUS?
- NO.
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NOT PRECIOUS AT ALL,
BUT OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE?
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YES,
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
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IT BELONGS TO ME.
AND I INTEND TO FIND IT
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EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE
THIS PLACE APART.
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WHAT IS IN
THESE DRAWERS?
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NOTHING AT ALL,
GENERAL...
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PARTICULARLY NOT
IN THIS DRAWER.
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OPEN IT.
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I WOULD RATHER NOT.
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OUT OF MY WAY.
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AH! MY GOD!
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STOP, GENERAL, STOP!
IT IS WORTH 200 MARKS.
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YOU SEE?
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DEAD.
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General:
My God, I hate rats.
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I DO NOT LIKE
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
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WHY NOT?
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HE HATES RATS.
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RATS ARE MY
FAVORITE ANIMAL.
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THEY ARE SMALL,
SHIFTY AND DISGUSTING,
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JUST LIKE YOU.
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THANK YOU, HERR FLICK.
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I THINK THE GENERAL
HAS LOST SOME GOLD.
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AND THE COLONEL
HAS STOLEN IT.
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NO. HE IS TOO STUPID.
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THERE IS ONLY ONE MAN
WHO WOULD HAVE THE GALL
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TO TRY AND OUTWIT
US GERMANS,
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AND THAT IS RENE.
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WE SHALL INTERROGATE HIM.
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BUT HE ALWAYS
TELLS US LIES.
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HE WILL NOT TELL LIES
TO A PERSON WITH SEX APPEAL
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BREATHING HOT,
LUSTFUL BREATH DOWN HIS NECK.
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HE IS VERY TALL,
HERR FLICK.
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I SHOULD HAVE TO STAND
ON A CHAIR.
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I AM REFERRING
TO HELGA.
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BRING HER TO ME,
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DRESSED IN HOT,
LUSTFUL CLOTHES.
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MY PLEASURE,
HERR FLICK.
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00:07:51,348 --> 00:07:52,847
AND KEEP
YOUR EYES AVERTED.
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YES, HERR FLICK.
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MADAME, GIVE ME
YOUR DAUGHTER.
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ALL RIGHT.
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00:08:07,130 --> 00:08:09,864
WHAT FRENCH BEDROOM FARCE
IS THIS?
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HE HAS WON MY HEART,
AND THE CAFE.
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WAIT, EDITH.
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00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:18,306
JUST NOW, WHEN I WAS
CLEANING OUT THE SINK,
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IT ALL CAME
FLOODING BACK.
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MY HOPELESS LOVE
AND YEARNING
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FOR THE ONLY WOMAN
THAT I HAVE EVER,
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OR COULD EVER, LOVE.
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LET THERE BE A WEDDING,
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BUT LET IT BE OURS.
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OH, RENE.
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00:08:35,023 --> 00:08:37,191
IF I WERE A FITTER MAN
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I WOULD FIGHT YOU
FOR HER HONOR.
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I SHOULD NOT BOTHER.
SHE NEVER DID.
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RIGHT.
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I WILL GO AND BOOK
THE REGISTRY OFFICE
FOR TOMORROW.
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A CIVIL WEDDING!
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AS CIVIL AS WE CAN
IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
185
00:08:50,674 --> 00:08:53,341
- THE MAYOR CAN MARRY US.
- THE MAYOR?
186
00:08:53,343 --> 00:08:55,843
THE OLD MAN
WITH THE GRAY HAIR.
187
00:08:55,845 --> 00:08:59,480
BUT THE OLD GRAY MAYOR
IS DEAD.
188
00:08:59,482 --> 00:09:01,749
THEN THE DEPUTY MAYOR
CAN HAVE THE PLEASURE.
189
00:09:01,751 --> 00:09:05,052
I AM THE DEPUTY MAYOR.
IT WILL BE NO PLEASURE.
190
00:09:05,054 --> 00:09:07,655
THEN YOU WILL NOT WANT
TO BE LATE FOR THE EVENT.
191
00:09:07,657 --> 00:09:09,990
I SHOULD SET OFF
DOWN THE STAIRS NOW.
192
00:09:15,798 --> 00:09:18,333
HELGA IS HERE.
193
00:09:18,335 --> 00:09:19,434
AH, GOOD.
194
00:09:19,436 --> 00:09:20,468
ENTER.
195
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,641
I AM READY,
HERR FLICK.
196
00:09:26,643 --> 00:09:30,645
THIS TO ME DOES NOT LOOK
VERY TEASING AND TANTALIZING.
197
00:09:30,647 --> 00:09:33,013
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE
A SEX MAD FRENCHMAN
198
00:09:33,015 --> 00:09:35,115
FLIP HIS LID.
199
00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:37,652
I HOPE YOU ARE WEARING
SOMETHING WONDERFUL
UNDERNEATH.
200
00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:40,087
NO, HERR FLICK,
I AM NOT.
201
00:09:40,089 --> 00:09:42,390
YOU ARE DELIBERATELY
DISOBEYING MY ORDERS.
202
00:09:42,392 --> 00:09:43,758
NO.
203
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:44,759
SHOW ME.
204
00:09:44,761 --> 00:09:47,194
- NO, I WILL NOT.
- WHY NOT?
205
00:09:47,196 --> 00:09:51,298
BECAUSE I AM TEASING
AND TANTALIZING YOU.
206
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,700
I AM GOING.
207
00:09:52,702 --> 00:09:54,869
STOP!
208
00:09:54,871 --> 00:09:56,504
VON SMALLHOUSEN,
209
00:09:56,506 --> 00:09:58,205
WHAT IS HELGA
WEARING UNDERNEATH?
210
00:09:58,207 --> 00:10:01,108
I PROMISED NOT TO SAY,
211
00:10:01,110 --> 00:10:03,043
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT
AN EFFECT IT HAS HAD ON ME.
212
00:10:06,014 --> 00:10:07,948
THIS IS VERY CURIOUS.
SHOW ME.
213
00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:11,719
AAAAAGHGHGHGHGH!
214
00:10:14,189 --> 00:10:15,857
GET OUT.
215
00:10:16,892 --> 00:10:19,527
NOT YOU, HELGA.
216
00:10:19,529 --> 00:10:22,497
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME
TO GO AND SEE RENE?
217
00:10:22,499 --> 00:10:23,898
OH, NO RUSH.
218
00:10:23,900 --> 00:10:25,767
TOMORROW WILL DO.
219
00:10:26,769 --> 00:10:28,669
TODAY I WILL
REHEARSE YOU.
220
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:30,137
SHOW ME YOUR TECHNIQUE.
221
00:10:30,139 --> 00:10:32,072
YES, HERR FLICK.
222
00:10:32,074 --> 00:10:35,443
( burlesque music plays )
223
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,418
MY GOD!
224
00:10:43,420 --> 00:10:45,152
THREE SWASTIKAS.
225
00:10:45,154 --> 00:10:47,221
AAAAGHGHGHGHGH!
226
00:10:50,125 --> 00:10:51,659
HERE WE ARE, COLONEL.
227
00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:53,193
THE VAN CLOMP,
THE VAN GOGH,
228
00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:55,930
AND SEVERAL
PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI
TO CONCEAL THEM IN.
229
00:10:55,932 --> 00:10:57,264
HOW CAN WE TELL
WHICH IS WHICH?
230
00:10:57,266 --> 00:11:00,968
THE PAINTINGS TAKE LONGER
THAN 12 MINUTES ON A LOW GAS.
231
00:11:03,171 --> 00:11:06,173
I LOVE A MAN
WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
232
00:11:06,175 --> 00:11:08,676
IT WAS NOT THAT FUNNY.
233
00:11:08,678 --> 00:11:10,344
THEY ARE WELL MARKED,
COLONEL.
234
00:11:10,346 --> 00:11:12,313
- RENE.
- YES?
235
00:11:12,315 --> 00:11:13,781
YOU MUST COME
OUTSIDE WITH ME.
236
00:11:13,783 --> 00:11:16,317
I HAVE SOMETHING
VERY EXCITING TO SHOW YOU.
237
00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:20,054
OH, YES.
238
00:11:20,056 --> 00:11:23,023
IT IS MY BRAND NEW
BIG TANK.
239
00:11:23,025 --> 00:11:25,993
WHAT A RELIEF.
240
00:11:25,995 --> 00:11:29,464
HEY! WHERE'S ALL
THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES?
241
00:11:30,466 --> 00:11:32,266
ALBERTO BERTORELLI
IS READY
242
00:11:32,268 --> 00:11:34,234
FOR THE FUN AND THE GAMES
UP THE STAIRS.
243
00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:37,037
I AM SORRY, CAPTAIN,
WE ARE A LITTLE SHORT
OF STAFF.
244
00:11:37,039 --> 00:11:39,907
I LIKE THAT
LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF.
245
00:11:41,176 --> 00:11:42,643
- RENE.
- ( Rene sighs )
246
00:11:42,645 --> 00:11:46,413
HERE I AM.
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME?
247
00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:48,148
IN SMALL DOSES.
248
00:11:48,150 --> 00:11:50,952
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LADY.
249
00:11:50,954 --> 00:11:52,587
I FORGOT.
250
00:11:52,589 --> 00:11:54,856
IT IS BAD LUCK
FOR YOU TO SEE ME
BEFORE THE WEDDING.
251
00:11:54,858 --> 00:11:56,991
IT IS NOT EXACTLY
GOOD LUCK FOR ME
252
00:11:56,993 --> 00:11:59,159
TO SEE YOU AFTERWARDS.
253
00:11:59,161 --> 00:12:01,128
WHAT WEDDING IS THIS?
254
00:12:01,130 --> 00:12:02,930
YOU MEAN HE HAS
NOT TOLD YOU?
255
00:12:02,932 --> 00:12:04,532
TOLD US WHAT?
256
00:12:04,534 --> 00:12:06,166
THE WONDERFUL NEWS
THAT IS MAKING HIM
257
00:12:06,168 --> 00:12:08,503
THE HAPPIEST MAN
IN ALL FRANCE.
258
00:12:08,505 --> 00:12:10,505
OH YES, THAT.
259
00:12:10,507 --> 00:12:12,473
WE ARE GETTING
MARRIED TOMORROW.
260
00:12:12,475 --> 00:12:14,709
RENE,
261
00:12:14,711 --> 00:12:17,344
CONGRATULATIONS.
262
00:12:17,346 --> 00:12:19,947
THAT IS INDEED
WONDERFUL NEWS.
263
00:12:19,949 --> 00:12:21,949
ISN'T IT, GRUBER?
264
00:12:25,854 --> 00:12:27,855
GRUBER?
265
00:12:29,491 --> 00:12:32,459
I SUPPOSE FELICITATIONS
ARE IN ORDER.
266
00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:34,194
I SUPPOSE SO.
267
00:12:34,196 --> 00:12:36,931
I HOPE SHE WILL
MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.
268
00:12:38,033 --> 00:12:40,134
AS HAPPY AS
ANY WOMAN EVER CAN.
269
00:12:45,273 --> 00:12:46,841
I MUST JUST GO AND...
270
00:12:46,843 --> 00:12:48,609
TICKLE MY CARBURETOR.
271
00:12:50,045 --> 00:12:51,779
BEAUTIFUL LADY,
272
00:12:51,781 --> 00:12:53,781
I KISS YOUR HAND.
273
00:12:54,783 --> 00:12:56,717
I KISS YOUR ARM.
274
00:12:57,719 --> 00:12:59,420
I KISS YOUR KISSER.
275
00:12:59,422 --> 00:13:00,821
OH!
276
00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:02,890
NO, CAPTAIN,
THAT IS SPOKEN FOR.
277
00:13:02,892 --> 00:13:05,826
I, ALBERTO BERTORELLI,
WILL MAKE THE WEDDING
BREAKFAST.
278
00:13:05,828 --> 00:13:07,728
YOU LIKE ITALIAN COOKING?
279
00:13:07,730 --> 00:13:09,396
OH, VERY MUCH.
280
00:13:09,398 --> 00:13:10,798
NOW, YOU TELL ME,
281
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,800
HAVE YOU GOT
THE BIG-A TOMATOES?
282
00:13:13,802 --> 00:13:15,570
I BEG-A YOUR PARDON?
283
00:13:17,573 --> 00:13:20,608
I WANT-A YOUR
BIG-A TOMATOES
284
00:13:20,610 --> 00:13:22,242
FOR THE SAUCE.
285
00:13:22,244 --> 00:13:24,111
OH, I SEE.
286
00:13:24,113 --> 00:13:27,514
I MAKE THE BIG BOWL
OF SPAGHETTI NAPOLETANA.
287
00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:29,016
COLONEL,
THE PAINTINGS!
288
00:13:29,018 --> 00:13:30,117
WHAT?
289
00:13:30,119 --> 00:13:31,118
NO, WAIT!
290
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:33,120
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
291
00:13:33,122 --> 00:13:34,622
THAT'S NOT SPAGHETTI.
292
00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:37,357
IT FEEL LIKE SPAGHETTI.
293
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:38,793
IT'S DYNAMITE.
294
00:13:40,128 --> 00:13:42,697
( winces )
295
00:13:42,699 --> 00:13:45,265
MAMMA MIA!
296
00:13:45,267 --> 00:13:47,568
OH, COLONEL,
297
00:13:47,570 --> 00:13:49,837
YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE.
298
00:13:55,644 --> 00:13:58,646
WHAT-A MISTAKE-A
TO MAKE-A.
299
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,255
SEE YOU LATER, EDITH.
DO NOT WAIT UP.
300
00:14:08,257 --> 00:14:11,025
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- OUT.
301
00:14:11,027 --> 00:14:13,360
OUT? TONIGHT?
THE EVE OF OUR WEDDING?
302
00:14:13,362 --> 00:14:15,796
I AM SORRY, EDITH,
BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER
303
00:14:15,798 --> 00:14:17,397
IT IS MY STAG NIGHT
WITH THE BOYS.
304
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:18,899
YOU HAVE HAD
YOUR STAG NIGHT.
305
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,968
- WHEN?
- 25 YEARS AGO.
306
00:14:20,970 --> 00:14:22,936
OH, EDITH.
307
00:14:22,938 --> 00:14:26,239
BESIDES, I HAVE
PREPARED FOR YOU
A LITTLE SURPRISE.
308
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:30,010
IT CAN HARDLY BE A SURPRISE
AFTER 25 YEARS.
309
00:14:30,012 --> 00:14:32,046
I SHALL BE DOING IT
YOUR FAVORITE WAY.
310
00:14:32,048 --> 00:14:34,614
DOING WHAT?
311
00:14:34,616 --> 00:14:36,150
FROG IN THE HOLE.
312
00:14:38,219 --> 00:14:39,519
AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
313
00:14:39,521 --> 00:14:40,854
ONE OF THOSE
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS?
314
00:14:40,856 --> 00:14:43,356
EDITH, HOW CAN I GET IT
INTO YOUR THICK HEAD
315
00:14:43,358 --> 00:14:45,458
THOSE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS
ARE NOT FOR NIBBLING?
316
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,094
THEY ARE FOR
BLOWING UP DOCKYARDS.
317
00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:48,929
OH, SILLY ME.
318
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,497
IT IS THE THOUGHT
OF THE WEDDING.
319
00:14:50,499 --> 00:14:52,499
I AM ALL OVER
THE PLACE.
320
00:14:52,501 --> 00:14:55,268
YOU COOK ONE OF THOSE PUDDINGS
AND YOU WILL BE.
321
00:14:56,337 --> 00:14:58,205
PSST, RENE.
DO NOT BE LONG.
322
00:15:03,912 --> 00:15:06,313
BE RIGHT WITH YOU,
PIERRE.
323
00:15:06,315 --> 00:15:08,182
WHO IS PIERRE?
324
00:15:08,184 --> 00:15:09,717
JUST ONE OF THE BOYS.
325
00:15:09,719 --> 00:15:11,518
HE'S GOING ON
OUR STAG NIGHT.
326
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,653
ARE YOU COMING, RENE?
327
00:15:17,158 --> 00:15:19,960
RENE, WE ARE WASTING TIME.
328
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,462
ALL RIGHT, JACQUES.
BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
329
00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:25,032
WHAT IT IS
TO BE SO POPULAR.
330
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,271
MY GOD!
331
00:15:36,010 --> 00:15:37,745
SHH.
332
00:15:39,948 --> 00:15:41,915
IT IS I, LECLERC.
333
00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:47,554
I NEVER
WOULD HAVE GUESSED.
334
00:15:47,556 --> 00:15:49,356
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
A STAG NIGHT,
335
00:15:49,358 --> 00:15:50,824
NOT A SHRIMPING
EXPEDITION.
336
00:15:50,826 --> 00:15:54,628
THIS IS OPERATION
WATERLOO.
337
00:15:54,630 --> 00:15:58,065
WE ARE DISGUISED
AS EEL FISHERMAN.
338
00:15:58,067 --> 00:16:02,035
WE? YOU MEAN,
THERE IS MORE THAN
ONE OF YOU IN THAT SUIT?
339
00:16:02,037 --> 00:16:03,470
PSST!
340
00:16:04,605 --> 00:16:05,639
FOLLOW ME.
341
00:16:08,376 --> 00:16:10,610
WHAT HO.
CHIN CHIN.
342
00:16:10,612 --> 00:16:12,112
PIP PIP.
TOODLE-OO.
343
00:16:15,049 --> 00:16:17,985
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
344
00:16:17,987 --> 00:16:20,888
All:
HURRY UP. COME ON.
YOUR STAG NIGHT.
345
00:16:21,923 --> 00:16:23,723
DO NOT FORGET, RENE,
346
00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:25,259
I WILL BE
WAITING UP FOR YOU.
347
00:16:26,261 --> 00:16:27,961
GOD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
348
00:16:31,132 --> 00:16:33,566
( singing softly )
349
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,671
♪ THE PRETTY SKY-- ♪
350
00:16:37,673 --> 00:16:39,106
OH.
351
00:16:39,108 --> 00:16:41,208
RENE, RENE!
352
00:16:51,986 --> 00:16:55,122
OH, RENE. WE HAVE
A WONDERFUL DAY FOR IT.
353
00:16:55,124 --> 00:16:56,957
THE SUN IS SHINING.
354
00:16:56,959 --> 00:16:58,292
OH, EDITH,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
355
00:16:58,294 --> 00:16:59,559
CURB YOUR HIGH SPIRITS.
356
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,231
LAST NIGHT,
357
00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:06,433
JUST FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT,
358
00:17:06,435 --> 00:17:08,601
I THOUGHT WE
WERE GOING TO HAVE
A LITTLE REHEARSAL
359
00:17:08,603 --> 00:17:09,736
OF OUR WEDDED BLISS.
360
00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:12,505
I WAS TOO KNACKERED
FROM THE STAG NIGHT.
361
00:17:13,875 --> 00:17:16,343
I MUST GO UP TO THE ROOM
OF MY MOTHER.
362
00:17:16,345 --> 00:17:18,946
THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR HER.
363
00:17:18,948 --> 00:17:20,981
I MUST SPEND SOME TIME
HELPING HER TO LOOK
364
00:17:20,983 --> 00:17:22,282
YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.
365
00:17:22,284 --> 00:17:25,219
SHALL WE PUT EVERYTHING OFF
FOR A MONTH OR TWO?
366
00:17:25,221 --> 00:17:27,020
RENE!
367
00:17:28,022 --> 00:17:30,290
OOH, OOH.
368
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,561
- HELGA, HURRY.
- YES, HERR FLICK.
369
00:17:34,563 --> 00:17:35,863
THERE HE IS.
370
00:17:35,865 --> 00:17:38,165
MAKE HIM TELL YOU
WHERE THE GOLD
IS HIDDEN.
371
00:17:38,167 --> 00:17:40,533
DRIVE HIM MAD
WITH LUST.
372
00:17:40,535 --> 00:17:42,135
YES, HERR FLICK.
373
00:17:50,845 --> 00:17:52,112
HUH? OH!
374
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,380
RENE,
375
00:17:53,382 --> 00:17:56,049
I WONDER IF YOU COULD
DO ME A FAVOR?
376
00:17:56,051 --> 00:17:58,285
THERE IS SOMETHING
I WANT.
377
00:18:05,159 --> 00:18:07,160
I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN.
378
00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:18,872
GOOD MOANING.
379
00:18:18,874 --> 00:18:21,808
OH, GOD!
IT GETS WORSE.
380
00:18:23,511 --> 00:18:25,612
BOD NOSE,
I AM AFROOD.
381
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,220
BOD?
382
00:18:33,222 --> 00:18:35,722
VERY BOD.
383
00:18:35,724 --> 00:18:38,691
LAST NIT,
IPERATION WATERLOO
384
00:18:38,693 --> 00:18:40,627
WAS A COMPLOTE
AND UTTER KICK UP.
385
00:18:43,264 --> 00:18:44,331
OH.
386
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:47,534
THE TEED WENT OUT
AND THE SUBMAROON
387
00:18:47,536 --> 00:18:49,836
IS BITCHED ON A SANDBONK.
388
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:54,207
A MONUMENTAL KICK UP.
389
00:18:54,209 --> 00:18:56,310
WE DID OUR BUST.
390
00:18:57,946 --> 00:19:02,615
SOON WE CAN EXPICT
ANOTHER PARASHAT DRIP.
391
00:19:02,617 --> 00:19:05,385
LONDON IS SENDING YOU
A COLLOPSABLE DONGHY.
392
00:19:10,258 --> 00:19:12,259
I ALREADY HAVE
ONE OF THOSE.
393
00:19:21,469 --> 00:19:24,504
AND SO GOOD CITIZENS
OF NOUVION,
394
00:19:24,506 --> 00:19:27,507
THE TWO PARTIES
STANDING BEFORE ME NOW
395
00:19:27,509 --> 00:19:29,810
HAVE REQUESTED
IN ACCORDANCE
396
00:19:29,812 --> 00:19:32,012
WITH ARTICLE 39
OF THE LEGAL CODE...
397
00:19:32,014 --> 00:19:33,413
FARTY.
398
00:19:33,415 --> 00:19:35,482
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
399
00:19:37,786 --> 00:19:40,254
ARTICLE FARTY.
400
00:19:41,856 --> 00:19:44,158
IT IS BAD ENOUGH HAVING
TO MARRY THE WOMAN I LOVE
401
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,225
TO THE MAN I DETEST,
402
00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,394
WITHOUT BEING TAUGHT
MY OWN BUSINESS
403
00:19:47,396 --> 00:19:49,763
BY A MAN WHO MANGLES
THE LANGUAGE OF FRANCE.
404
00:19:49,765 --> 00:19:51,398
I DO NOT MINGLE IT.
405
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,833
SILENCE!
406
00:19:52,835 --> 00:19:53,934
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
407
00:19:53,936 --> 00:19:55,568
BE CAREFUL
OF YOUR DICKY TICKER.
408
00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:59,472
WOULD THAT I COULD
LAY MY DICKY TICKER
AT YOUR FEET.
409
00:20:01,342 --> 00:20:04,011
YOU OLD FOOL,
GET ON WITH IT.
410
00:20:04,013 --> 00:20:06,780
PLEASE,
LET THERE BE DECORUM.
411
00:20:06,782 --> 00:20:09,416
DO YOU--
412
00:20:09,418 --> 00:20:11,218
DO YOU RENE FRANCOIS--
413
00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:12,619
YES, YES, YES.
414
00:20:12,621 --> 00:20:14,621
DO YOU, EDITH MELBA--
415
00:20:14,623 --> 00:20:15,722
YES, YES!
416
00:20:15,724 --> 00:20:17,224
THEN I NOW
PRONOUNCE YOU--
417
00:20:17,226 --> 00:20:19,126
AGH!
418
00:20:20,128 --> 00:20:21,761
YOU ARE NOT PRONOUNCING IT
VERY WELL.
419
00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:23,263
AGAIN, PLEASE!
420
00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:27,567
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND--
421
00:20:27,569 --> 00:20:29,903
AGH! DICKY TICKER.
422
00:20:29,905 --> 00:20:31,972
Colonel:
THE MAN IS ILL,
TAKE HIM TO HOSPITAL.
423
00:20:31,974 --> 00:20:34,441
Yvette:
LIE HIM DOWN.
GIVE HIM AIR.
424
00:20:34,443 --> 00:20:36,743
IS THERE A DICTOR
IN THE HOOSE?
425
00:20:36,745 --> 00:20:39,412
SPEAK TO ME!
SAY SOMETHING.
426
00:20:39,414 --> 00:20:41,748
SAY "MAN AND WIFE"
FOR A START.
427
00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:43,283
MONSIEUR LECLERC,
GO GET HIM SOME WATER.
428
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:44,517
WATER, RIGHT.
429
00:20:44,519 --> 00:20:46,253
NO, MAKE IT BRANDY.
430
00:20:46,255 --> 00:20:49,156
WHICH DO YOU WANT?
WATER OR BRANDY?
431
00:20:49,158 --> 00:20:50,590
BRANDY.
432
00:20:50,592 --> 00:20:52,492
I DO NOT BELIEVE
HE IS ILL AT ALL.
433
00:20:52,494 --> 00:20:54,061
OF COURSE HE IS ILL
434
00:20:54,063 --> 00:20:55,562
CARRY HIM BACK
TO THE CAFE.
435
00:20:55,564 --> 00:20:57,697
PUT HIM IN MY BED.
436
00:20:57,699 --> 00:20:59,733
EDITH, IT IS OUR BED!
437
00:20:59,735 --> 00:21:02,269
LET US PRETEND
IT IS HER BED.
438
00:21:05,340 --> 00:21:07,407
♪ IT'S NOW OR NEVER ♪
439
00:21:07,409 --> 00:21:10,210
♪ COME HOLD ME TIGHT ♪
440
00:21:10,212 --> 00:21:14,047
♪ KISS ME MY DARLING ♪
441
00:21:14,049 --> 00:21:16,917
♪ BE MINE TONIGHT ♪
442
00:21:16,919 --> 00:21:19,186
♪ TOMORROW WILL BE TO LATE-- ♪
443
00:21:20,188 --> 00:21:21,788
HERE, PUT HIM IN HERE!
444
00:21:21,790 --> 00:21:24,424
WHAT'S GOING ON, EH?
445
00:21:24,426 --> 00:21:25,859
YOU ARE TOO EARLY.
446
00:21:25,861 --> 00:21:27,060
I AM NOT READY.
447
00:21:27,062 --> 00:21:28,661
YOU ARE TOO FAST-A
FOR THE PASTA.
448
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:31,131
I WANT THE BEDROOM.
449
00:21:31,133 --> 00:21:33,533
I WANT THE BED
OF MY EDITH.
450
00:21:33,535 --> 00:21:36,236
YOU WILL GET THE BACK
OF MY HAND IN A MINUTE.
451
00:21:36,238 --> 00:21:39,139
RENE, I CONGRATULATE YOU
ON YOUR REPRIEVE.
452
00:21:39,141 --> 00:21:40,874
I THINK WE SHOULD
CALL FOR CHAMPAGNE.
453
00:21:40,876 --> 00:21:42,575
WE SHOULD
CALL THE DOCTOR.
454
00:21:42,577 --> 00:21:43,911
I DON'T LIKE
THE LOOK OF HIM.
455
00:21:43,913 --> 00:21:45,946
I HAVE NEVER LIKED
THE LOOK OF HIM.
456
00:21:45,948 --> 00:21:48,515
BUT THERE IS NOT A LOT
THE DOCTOR CAN DO
ABOUT THAT.
457
00:21:48,517 --> 00:21:50,784
HIS HEART IS IN
A SHOCKING STATE.
458
00:21:50,786 --> 00:21:52,953
I NOTICE THERE IS NOTHING
WRONG WITH HIS THROAT.
459
00:21:52,955 --> 00:21:54,821
LECLERC, GO BACK
TO THE REGISTRY OFFICE,
460
00:21:54,823 --> 00:21:56,623
GET THE DEPUTY MAYOR'S
LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
461
00:21:56,625 --> 00:21:58,225
WE WILL
FINISH THE WEDDING HERE.
462
00:21:58,227 --> 00:22:00,093
OH, HOW WONDERFUL.
463
00:22:00,095 --> 00:22:01,995
TO BE MARRIED
IN MY OWN HOME.
464
00:22:01,997 --> 00:22:03,297
NO, NO, NO.
465
00:22:03,299 --> 00:22:06,800
A CAFE IS NOT
A PROPER PLACE
FOR SUCH A CEREMONY.
466
00:22:06,802 --> 00:22:08,969
YOU HAVE ONLY TO SAY
THREE WORDS: MAN AND WIFE.
467
00:22:08,971 --> 00:22:10,337
THAT IS HARDLY
A CEREMONY.
468
00:22:11,806 --> 00:22:13,240
WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
469
00:22:13,242 --> 00:22:16,410
I SUPPOSE I COULD DO IT
IN MY OFFICIAL CAPACITY.
470
00:22:16,412 --> 00:22:19,413
WHICH APPEARS TO BE
ABOUT HALF A BOTTLE
OF BRANDY.
471
00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:23,750
TAKE YOUR PLACES AGAIN.
472
00:22:23,752 --> 00:22:25,185
HEY, EVERYBODY,
473
00:22:25,187 --> 00:22:26,586
IT'S TIME TO EAT.
474
00:22:26,588 --> 00:22:31,024
WE BEGIN WITH ALBERTO
BERTORELLI'S BIG SURPRISE.
475
00:22:32,893 --> 00:22:34,928
TORTA...
476
00:22:34,930 --> 00:22:36,196
DI PRIMA...
477
00:22:36,198 --> 00:22:37,497
COLLASIONE...
478
00:22:37,499 --> 00:22:40,200
MATRIMONIALE!
479
00:22:40,202 --> 00:22:43,437
WHAT IS HE SAYING?
THEY ARE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
480
00:22:43,439 --> 00:22:45,305
YOU CATCH ME OUT.
481
00:22:45,307 --> 00:22:47,874
I CANNOT TELL A LIE.
482
00:22:47,876 --> 00:22:50,010
I FOUND THEM
IN THE CELLAR.
483
00:22:50,012 --> 00:22:51,644
HOW CLEVER OF YOU.
484
00:22:51,646 --> 00:22:53,813
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
485
00:22:53,815 --> 00:22:56,149
GET DOWN EVERYBODY!
DOWN!
486
00:22:56,151 --> 00:22:58,385
OH NO. NOT MY
BEAUTIFUL NEW TANK.
487
00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:00,787
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
488
00:23:00,789 --> 00:23:02,489
I TRY TO MAKE
THE BIG IMPRESSION!
489
00:23:02,491 --> 00:23:04,224
GET DOWN!
490
00:23:05,226 --> 00:23:07,227
( all scream )
491
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:16,936
( theme music playing )