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Was it a good night?
- Yeah. A little celebration. - You deserve it.
It's not every day you get to become a swimming instructor,
even in your job.
Not every lifeguard's got what it takes.
Like that fella Darren, he started before me...
He's not there any more, is he?
- Didn't he go to university? - Mm.
What was wrong with your pizza?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
This is what's wrong. I told 'em on the phone, I said,
''No olives.''
- No what? - Olives.
I burnt the roof of my mouth last night, on that microwave pasty.
That's why I ordered the pizza.
In the end, I just got a curry.
Where's that?
(Sighs )
- What are you doing in there? - Nothing.
- Errol?. - (Nervously) What?
Where's my toothbrush?
It's all right. Found it.
- Hiya. - All right.
Just gonna go out and get some milk.
- We've got milk. - What sort?
There's normal. Semi-skimmed in the fridge.
Is there a thing such as skimmed?
- Yeah. - Mmm, that sounds nice.
I think I'll try that, then.
- (Mumbles ) All right. - So, I'll go get some milk.
Errol?.
If you're going out...
can you post this back to the pizza place?
Giving olives to people who don't want olives. Two can play at that game.
(Errol) Actually, I've changed my mind. What I might do is...
instead of trying skimmed milk today, I think I'll decorate your bathroom.
- Why? - A way of saying thank you, you know.
For letting me stay in your flat.
- All right. OK. - Thanks.
- You're not going out, then? - No. Gone off milk.
All right, OK.
Relaxation tape, lesson three.
Awakening the soul.
( # Whale song)
Let's take a deep breath.
(Inhales deeply)
And slowly out. (Exhales )
Feel the air dragging the tension from your body.
Breathe in. (Inhales )
And out. (Exhales )
Mmm...relaxing.
Breathe in. (Inhales )
(Woman ) Nigel, could you take the kids to playgroup?
I'm trying to make a relaxation tape!
Right, I'm Vince.
- I'm Madeline. - No, no, no. Put these hats on.
- There you go. - Where's Stuart?
Sacked. Put the wrong chemicals in the toddlers' pool.
OK, the first thing I want to ask...
why do you want to learn to swim? Number 6?
I've got two boys and I want to take 'em swimming.
And embarrass them? Dad splashing around like a clown in a Jacuzzi? Bad reason.
- Number two? - I've always wanted to swim with dolphins.
Nutter. Number three? Don't I... Don't I know you?
- I've always wanted to swim because... - No, no.
Not the question I asked. Learn to listen. Number four?
I'm getting married and I want to surprise my fiancé on our honeymoon.
- Where are you going? - Barbados.
A lot a sharks but lovely beaches. Worth the risk. Good answer.
OK, let's get on with the lesson.
See this girl swimming here?
- She's good, isn't she? - (All) Yes.
What I want you lot to do is that.
Do that. Copy her.
- OK? Don't do that. - (Splashing)
- He looks like he's in trouble. - Exactly. Yeah.
Good point. OK, get in the pool.
(Swimmer struggling and choking)
(Vince whistles melody )
- (Vince ) All right, Errol?. - Hiya.
- (Vince ) How you getting on? - Good.
Done the preparation, just about to start the undercoat.
Oh, no. I haven't decided what colour I want yet.
I bought some magazines - get a few ideas.
What do you think of this colour?
I'd rather not look at that.
- It's a nice way to do a bathroom. - It just seems wrong.
It's only apple green with a hint of basil.
It's not right. You shouldn't have things like that.
- It's just a lifestyle magazine. - I don't like that lifestyle.
Well, you have to. When you go to the paint shop, you've got to match this exact colour.
Here you are.
- Do I have to? - Yeah.
It's the only way you get the colour.
Imagine you are floating somewhere beautiful,
like a pool of clear water.
The fish are nibbling at the hairs on your thighs.
Feel the sun on your face.
Mmm, warm.
You're drifting deeper and deeper into space.
(Boy ) Daddy, Lucille pulled my hair.
I'm trying to work!
- You here for the lesson, yeah? - Yeah.
- Where are the others? - I think it's just me.
(Sighs ) Right, so, first thing, why do you want to learn to swim?
Well, I do a lot of glamour modelling,
and when we do shoots round the pool, I look very nervous.
So the editor of Razzle said,
''Either learn to swim or it's back to Readers' Wives.''
I thought I recognised you!
- You've got a Zanussi dishwasher. - Yeah!
- And the blue-checked curtains. - Mmm.
Your spice rack's not level, is it?
A lot of cupboard space, I was quite impressed by that.
Cos normally blokes look at the, erm...
No, no, no. I get most of my decorating ideas from Readers' Wives.
My bedroom is done out like, you know Julie from Devon?
And I'm thinking of doing the bathroom like Wanda from Edmonton,
the sort of jade emulsion.
Not sure about the crab stencilling or the chains on the wall.
I'll let you into a secret. It's not my kitchen!
Oh, right. I suppose it's a set, isn't it?
No, it's my mum's kitchen.
Oh, right. That explains it, cos it was quite old-fashioned -
the tea cosy and those big knickers on the radiator.
- I thought they can't be yours... - Can we get on with the lesson?
Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.
It's that one.
I need to see a bit more of the colour, mate.
OK, just... Sorry.
Just, erm...
Sorry, pal.
Here, does that help?
Nah. Look, I can't do a match from that.
- Give us the whole page. - I can't.
Then I can't help you.
No, hang on. Hold on.
Yeah?
- Erm... - Any time today's fine.
Sorry.
(Errol) Thank you. Please.
Look, if you want to swim, you have to get in the water.
I'm scared.
- Would it help if I pushed you in? - No!
Can't we go in the toddlers' pool?.
I wouldn't risk it, unless you want pink eyes.
I'm so silly. I should have learned to swim at school.
But the boys was always staring at me.
It made me very self-conscious, you know, cos of these.
I was gonna ask you, you know when you've got them both in the scales,
- and you're looking back at the camera... - Three pound four ounces.
No, no, no, that plant on the sink, is that a busy Lizzie?
Look, I'm really not comfortable talking about my mother's house!
(Chugging)
Is one litre enough for you?
(Errol) Is there a thing such as two litres?
That's good. That's good. Now, what I want you to do now is let go of the ladder.
- No! - Come on, just let go.
- I can't. - Let... Let... Just...
- No. - Do this...with your hands.
- Opposite to what you're doing. - I'm trying.
OK, imagine it's electrified. (Imitates electricity crackling)
You have to stay in the water or you'll be shot.
Think of it like Anne Frank, instead of an attic, she's trapped in a pool.
And she can't get out cos of the land Nazis. (Imitates machine gun )
What are you on about?
Is that too harsh? Anne Frank trapped in a pool by Nazis?
Who's Anne Frank?
OK, right, you're a puppy,
and the girl who owns you has lost her ball and you're gonna go in for it.
Oh! I've lost my ball! I want my ball back! Will you get my ball?.
- See? Yeah. - Ooh! I'm standing in the water!
Ooh! That's incredible!
Remember, you can't get out!
Oh, no, it's, ''Oh, I want my ball!''
- What's the matter? - Nothing. I thought I saw someone.
Not at this time of day.
OK, now the easy bit, see that bloke swimming there?
(Alarm rings )
(Blowing whistle ) Everybody out.
- That'll be 8.70. - OK.
- I'll just get you a bag. - Yeah.
No, the one with the limp is Keyser Soze.
- The limp? - I'm not going through it again.
Oh, yeah! Sorry, come on in.
What do you think of this shower curtain?
There. Nice, innit? I think that'll look good.
Can't see much of it. Agnes from Bradford's in the way.
You've got a real problem with these magazines.
I just don't think people should be naked in their living rooms.
That's where you have...Christmas.
Ooh! See Karen from Luton?
I'm teaching her to swim.
I found out she's not from Luton and that's not her kitchen.
See those knickers on the radiator? Have a guess who they belong to.
(Knock at door)
(Man ) Pizza!
- What? - Pizza.
I didn't order a...pizza.
- Flat 76? - Yeah.
Wa... Wait...
Errol?. Did you order a pizza?
(Vince ) No, we didn't.
- You're in my flat! - I've put it in the kitchen.
I don't want it. I haven't got any money.
It's free. It's a free pizza.
- Why are you giving me a free pizza? - Cos I'm a nice bloke.
Well, I don't want it, go on.
You're teaching my wife to swim.
- What are you on about? - Lindsay? Glamour model?.
Dolphin?
Oh. No, her name's Karen.
Karen's her porno name.
I wish I'd never taken those photographs.
- I only did it for a laugh. - There's nothing going on.
That's my job. And that's my fruit.
The response was amazing. It's gone to her head.
Suddenly she's got a career. She thinks she's the next Jordan.
HMS Grantham have made her their mascot.
I'm sorry but that's not my problem.
You'll have to sort this out with your wife.
No. You stop teaching her.
She learns how to swim, next thing she'll be driving.
I can't do that. I'm an instructor.
I took the oath.
(Shrieks ) Well, you don't have a choice!
(Kung fu shrieking)
Right, mate. You, get out.
(Vince laughing)
- What are you doing? What are you doing? - Karate.
No, you're not. That is not karate.
That... That's not even scary. You're not frightening me at all.
- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.
What belt are you, then?
I haven't got one. I've only had a couple of sessions.
I'm gonna get one and when I do I'll smash your head in.
- Get out! - Come on, then. Me and you.
Me and you, yeah? You want some with me?
I'm a lethal. I'm a lethal.
Errol! Show grasshopper the way out.
Right. You want some? Come on, then.
- Did they put olives on the pizza? - Yeah.
- Great, I love olives. - Don't touch it!
You don't know what he's done to it.
I think he's written something on it.
- Oh, yeah. - ''Shemus...''
- ''Shame has no...'' - ''She must no...''
''Shame has no twin.''
''She must no...''
(Both) ''Shamus not..''
(Husband) It says, ''She must not swim.''
You can't ignore me, I'm dangerous.
I don't think you are.
I am. I'm unstable. I'm a nutter!
Go on, then. Do something nutty.
OK. I'll show you nutty. All right. I warned you.
See? I told you I was a nutter.
- Do you believe me now? - No.
Can I have my pants back?
- Where's the light bulbs? - We haven't got any.
- What? - We haven't got any!
- Why not? - Cos you didn't buy any.
(Man on sofa ) Why do they all go out at the same time?
Because we put them all in at the same time.
Is he still there?
(Vince ) No.
- You're not worried about him, then? - No.
A real nutter would have stayed there all night.
- How do you know that? - Discovery Channel.
Hmm.
Anyway, I'm a swimming instructor.
I have a duty. I took the oath.
I do solemnly promise to teach... swimming.
(1st man ) All right? (2nd man ) No, I'm not.
(1st man ) What's that smell?. (2nd man ) My life, innit?
Bloody hell! What happened to your hand?
I've had an argument with Lisa, man. Big time.
She's left me.
She said she never wants to see me again so I punched the wall.
- Did she come back? - No.
Maybe you're not hitting the wall hard enough. Give it another go.
- What, you think she might come back? - It's worth a try.
Go on, give it another pop. Go on.
Go on. Away you go.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
(Screams in pain )
F... That hurt.
No, I can't let that girl down.
Imagine the scenario. She gets a big break in Holland,
she's on a diving board doing continental shots for a video.
The director shouts, ''Wider!''
She's ambitious, she pushes those hamstrings to the very limits.
The excess baby oil has turned that diving board
into a treacherous plank.
Whoosh! In she goes.
Under once, under twice.
She comes up a third time.
Well, Günther can't help.
- Why? - He's an Alsatian.
Oh.
- A bit like Turner & Hooch? - Yeah. A bit.
Gotcha.
Teach another man's wife to swim, will you?
I warned you. I warned you once, I warned you twice.
I warned you thrice.
It's the last time you'll swing that whistle,
you big swinging whistley-wanker.
Come on, step out into the road.
That's it! That's it, go on.
Go on, yeah, Yeah!
- Yeah, that's it. - (Engine revs )
Get... Bollocks.
Where to, love?
Open your eyes, it'll stop stinging.
- (Boy groaning) - Don't make so much fuss.
Oh! Half a cap full.
Go on, off you go. You'll be all right.
Sorry I'm late. I had a photo shoot this morning.
It was bondage gear and some bright spark lost the keys.
I had a visit last night from your husband, the amateur psycho. He doesn't want you to swim.
Oh! Is he worried about me drowning? Oh, he's so caring.
No, he wants you to stay at home.
Aah, he must love me so much he don't wanna lose me.
You're missing the point. He got aggressive.
Oh, he made threats for me? Oh, that's so sweet!
I'm not bothered but you have got a marriage to preserve,
- so shall we forget the lessons? - No. Fuck him.
No sign of her, mate.
Do you know where I think you're going wrong? Stand up.
You need to punch through your target with a nasty little jab.
So you think to yourself, ''I love Lisa.'' Nasty little jab. ''I love Lisa.'' Nasty little jab.
- Away you go. - I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.
- That's it. - I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.
I love you, Lisa.
(Screams )
Is she there yet?
No, still no sign of her. That's one hard woman, eh?
- You're comfortable in the water now? - Yeah.
Remember, you can't get out.
(Husband) Oi!
- Right... - Glenn!
Lindsay, get out of the pool, you're coming home with me.
- Vince, what's next? - I don't wanna get involved.
- Ignore him. - I'll drink this.
You do realise those chemicals are very expensive?
- I don't care! - Put them down.
- (Lindsay ) He won't drink it. - I will, I've got no choice.
- I'm mental. - You're not. He's not! You're lovely.
I'm not! Right...here goes.
- Go on, then. - It's your fault.
Oh, no, that's horrible. That's strong. It's like liquorice.
- He doesn't like liquorice. - That's a shame.
- Now, imagine you're a frog. Yeah? - A frog?
She doesn't even like frogs.
- Hold on to the side. - She's my wife!
Kick your legs, like a frog. Bring your knees up...
You forced me! Cos I'm a nutter.
(Glenn shouting and screaming)
Together. Bring your knees up together and then push back.
- (Screaming) - That's it. Together.
(Lindsay ) Is that it?
Knees up together and then kick back.
- I'll give it a go. - That's it.
Bring them both up together and then kick back.
- I'm giving it a go. - Knees up, push out with your arms.
- What if I sink? - I'll... I'm a lifeguard.
Right, I learnt something in karate last night
and I was hoping I wouldn't have to use it.
You're shit at karate.
- Push the arms together... - (Kung fu yelling)
Right, I'm getting security.
No, no, no, no! Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'll just sit.
- No more nonsense? - No.
Just sit down and shut up.
Vince! Oh, Vince! Look, look!
Vince, I'm swimming! Look! Ah!
Bollocks.
There you go.
Thanks!
It's my job.
Yeah, I blew it.
I didn't want her to swim because, well...
I can't swim.
W-Would you teach me?
I do solemnly promise to teach... swimming.
Unless - you sleep with the window open,
own a caravan, like olives,
are thick, practise martial arts
or you're a grown man and your name is Sting.
Brilliant. Thanks.
No.
I'll teach myself, then. I mean, how hard can it be?
A lot easier than karate.
What are you telling me? You've given up?
You're just gonna sit there and let her walk out of your life?
Look at my hands, man.
You've got a head, haven't you? Use that. Go on.
Go on!
OK...
Fucking come on. Come on!
(Snorting)
(Phone )
- Hello? - (Woman ) Hi, Steve, it's me.
I've been walking around thinking about us
and it seems so stupid, all the arguments.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Tearfully ) I love you, Steve. I wanna come back.
Well, er, I don't know about that really, Lisa.
Look, I've got to go. I'm doing a shoot for a new magazine.
- What's it called? - Quite Big Tits.
It's for blokes who don't like really big tits or really small tits.
- Fussy bastards. - (Glenn ) Help! I'm drowning!
- Shall we get him out? - No, he'll be all right.
- See you, then. - See you.
Hi, Mum, it's Errol. How are you?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Listen, there's something I need to ask you.
Since I've been away, have Nana and Grandad been to stay?
Right.
And did they use my old room?
Right.
No, I don't think I'll be coming home for Christmas.
You too.
Urgh, Nana!
Come on. Come on, then.
I got you...
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