1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.SubtitleDB.org today

2
00:00:29,626 --> 00:00:31,378
Was it a good night?

3
00:00:31,127 --> 00:00:35,325
- Yeah. A little celebration.
- You deserve it.

4
00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:38,677
It's not every day you get to become
a swimming instructor,

5
00:00:38,727 --> 00:00:40,718
even in your job.

6
00:00:40,767 --> 00:00:43,406
Not every lifeguard's got what it takes.

7
00:00:43,447 --> 00:00:46,325
Like that fella Darren,
he started before me...

8
00:00:46,367 --> 00:00:49,040
He's not there any more, is he?

9
00:00:49,087 --> 00:00:52,045
- Didn't he go to university?
- Mm.

10
00:00:53,367 --> 00:00:55,403
What was wrong with your pizza?

11
00:00:55,447 --> 00:00:57,438
I'll tell you what's wrong.

12
00:00:57,487 --> 00:01:00,524
This is what's wrong.
I told 'em on the phone, I said,

13
00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:02,444
''No olives.''

14
00:01:02,487 --> 00:01:05,081
- No what?
- Olives.

15
00:01:05,127 --> 00:01:10,076
I burnt the roof of my mouth last night,
on that microwave pasty.

16
00:01:11,287 --> 00:01:13,517
That's why I ordered the pizza.

17
00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:16,558
In the end, I just got a curry.

18
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:21,762
Where's that?

19
00:01:55,927 --> 00:01:57,918
(Sighs )

20
00:02:34,967 --> 00:02:38,039
- What are you doing in there?
- Nothing.

21
00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:17,203
- Errol?.
- (Nervously) What?

22
00:03:17,247 --> 00:03:19,636
Where's my toothbrush?

23
00:03:22,127 --> 00:03:24,721
It's all right. Found it.

24
00:03:31,807 --> 00:03:34,321
- Hiya.
- All right.

25
00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:36,722
Just gonna go out and get some milk.

26
00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:39,406
- We've got milk.
- What sort?

27
00:03:39,447 --> 00:03:42,598
There's normal.
Semi-skimmed in the fridge.

28
00:03:42,647 --> 00:03:45,207
Is there a thing such as skimmed?

29
00:03:45,247 --> 00:03:48,956
- Yeah.
- Mmm, that sounds nice.

30
00:03:49,007 --> 00:03:51,646
I think I'll try that, then.

31
00:03:51,687 --> 00:03:55,396
- (Mumbles ) All right.
- So, I'll go get some milk.

32
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,318
Errol?.

33
00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:11,119
If you're going out...

34
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,965
can you post this back
to the pizza place?

35
00:04:14,007 --> 00:04:17,636
Giving olives to people who don't want olives.
Two can play at that game.

36
00:04:17,687 --> 00:04:20,440
(Errol) Actually, I've changed my mind.
What I might do is...

37
00:04:20,487 --> 00:04:25,163
instead of trying skimmed milk today,
I think I'll decorate your bathroom.

38
00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:28,358
- Why?
- A way of saying thank you, you know.

39
00:04:28,407 --> 00:04:31,160
For letting me stay in your flat.

40
00:04:31,207 --> 00:04:34,119
- All right. OK.
- Thanks.

41
00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:38,399
- You're not going out, then?
- No. Gone off milk.

42
00:04:38,447 --> 00:04:41,245
All right, OK.

43
00:04:50,647 --> 00:04:53,320
Relaxation tape, lesson three.

44
00:04:54,447 --> 00:04:56,438
Awakening the soul.

45
00:04:57,767 --> 00:05:00,201
( # Whale song)

46
00:05:00,247 --> 00:05:03,319
Let's take a deep breath.

47
00:05:03,367 --> 00:05:06,325
(Inhales deeply)

48
00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:10,565
And slowly out. (Exhales )

49
00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:15,357
Feel the air
dragging the tension from your body.

50
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:18,996
Breathe in. (Inhales )

51
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,755
And out. (Exhales )

52
00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:26,446
Mmm...relaxing.

53
00:05:26,487 --> 00:05:30,116
Breathe in. (Inhales )

54
00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:33,239
(Woman ) Nigel, could you take the kids
to playgroup?

55
00:05:33,287 --> 00:05:36,085
I'm trying to make a relaxation tape!

56
00:05:39,327 --> 00:05:41,045
Right, I'm Vince.

57
00:05:41,087 --> 00:05:44,636
- I'm Madeline.
- No, no, no. Put these hats on.

58
00:05:45,687 --> 00:05:48,247
- There you go.
- Where's Stuart?

59
00:05:48,287 --> 00:05:52,041
Sacked. Put the wrong chemicals
in the toddlers' pool.

60
00:05:52,087 --> 00:05:55,238
OK, the first thing I want to ask...

61
00:05:55,287 --> 00:05:58,359
why do you want to learn to swim?
Number 6?

62
00:05:58,407 --> 00:06:01,126
I've got two boys
and I want to take 'em swimming.

63
00:06:01,167 --> 00:06:05,718
And embarrass them? Dad splashing
around like a clown in a Jacuzzi? Bad reason.

64
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:08,725
- Number two?
- I've always wanted to swim with dolphins.

65
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:12,157
Nutter. Number three?
Don't I... Don't I know you?

66
00:06:12,207 --> 00:06:14,675
- I've always wanted to swim because...
- No, no.

67
00:06:14,727 --> 00:06:18,083
Not the question I asked.
Learn to listen. Number four?

68
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:22,678
I'm getting married and I want to
surprise my fiancé on our honeymoon.

69
00:06:22,727 --> 00:06:25,036
- Where are you going?
- Barbados.

70
00:06:25,087 --> 00:06:28,875
A lot a sharks but lovely beaches.
Worth the risk. Good answer.

71
00:06:28,927 --> 00:06:31,236
OK, let's get on with the lesson.

72
00:06:31,287 --> 00:06:33,198
See this girl swimming here?

73
00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:35,556
- She's good, isn't she?
- (All) Yes.

74
00:06:35,607 --> 00:06:38,405
What I want you lot to do is that.

75
00:06:38,447 --> 00:06:40,677
Do that. Copy her.

76
00:06:40,727 --> 00:06:42,877
- OK? Don't do that.
- (Splashing)

77
00:06:42,927 --> 00:06:46,806
- He looks like he's in trouble.
- Exactly. Yeah.

78
00:06:46,847 --> 00:06:49,645
Good point. OK, get in the pool.

79
00:06:49,687 --> 00:06:52,042
(Swimmer struggling and choking)

80
00:06:52,087 --> 00:06:54,317
(Vince whistles melody )

81
00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:56,483
- (Vince ) All right, Errol?.
- Hiya.

82
00:06:56,527 --> 00:06:58,518
- (Vince ) How you getting on?
- Good.

83
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:01,843
Done the preparation,
just about to start the undercoat.

84
00:07:01,887 --> 00:07:05,163
Oh, no. I haven't decided
what colour I want yet.

85
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:08,358
I bought some magazines -
get a few ideas.

86
00:07:19,127 --> 00:07:21,357
What do you think of this colour?

87
00:07:22,487 --> 00:07:24,478
I'd rather not look at that.

88
00:07:25,807 --> 00:07:30,005
- It's a nice way to do a bathroom.
- It just seems wrong.

89
00:07:30,047 --> 00:07:32,959
It's only apple green
with a hint of basil.

90
00:07:33,007 --> 00:07:37,319
It's not right.
You shouldn't have things like that.

91
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:41,076
- It's just a lifestyle magazine.
- I don't like that lifestyle.

92
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:47,043
Well, you have to. When you go to the paint
shop, you've got to match this exact colour.

93
00:07:47,087 --> 00:07:49,078
Here you are.

94
00:07:49,127 --> 00:07:50,958
- Do I have to?
- Yeah.

95
00:07:51,007 --> 00:07:53,441
It's the only way you get the colour.

96
00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,724
Imagine you are floating
somewhere beautiful,

97
00:08:00,767 --> 00:08:04,965
like a pool of clear water.

98
00:08:05,007 --> 00:08:10,127
The fish are nibbling
at the hairs on your thighs.

99
00:08:10,167 --> 00:08:13,523
Feel the sun on your face.

100
00:08:13,567 --> 00:08:16,240
Mmm, warm.

101
00:08:17,407 --> 00:08:22,879
You're drifting
deeper and deeper into space.

102
00:08:22,927 --> 00:08:25,999
(Boy ) Daddy, Lucille pulled my hair.

103
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,038
I'm trying to work!

104
00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:32,436
- You here for the lesson, yeah?
- Yeah.

105
00:08:32,487 --> 00:08:35,843
- Where are the others?
- I think it's just me.

106
00:08:35,887 --> 00:08:40,961
(Sighs ) Right, so, first thing,
why do you want to learn to swim?

107
00:08:41,007 --> 00:08:43,726
Well, I do a lot of glamour modelling,

108
00:08:43,767 --> 00:08:47,237
and when we do shoots round the pool,
I look very nervous.

109
00:08:47,287 --> 00:08:49,278
So the editor of Razzle said,

110
00:08:49,327 --> 00:08:52,603
''Either learn to swim
or it's back to Readers' Wives.''

111
00:08:52,647 --> 00:08:54,717
I thought I recognised you!

112
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:57,645
- You've got a Zanussi dishwasher.
- Yeah!

113
00:08:57,687 --> 00:09:00,440
- And the blue-checked curtains.
- Mmm.

114
00:09:00,487 --> 00:09:02,478
Your spice rack's not level, is it?

115
00:09:02,527 --> 00:09:05,599
A lot of cupboard space,
I was quite impressed by that.

116
00:09:05,647 --> 00:09:08,161
Cos normally blokes look at the, erm...

117
00:09:08,207 --> 00:09:12,519
No, no, no. I get most of my
decorating ideas from Readers' Wives.

118
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:16,162
My bedroom is done out like,
you know Julie from Devon?

119
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:19,597
And I'm thinking of doing
the bathroom like Wanda from Edmonton,

120
00:09:19,647 --> 00:09:21,444
the sort of jade emulsion.

121
00:09:21,487 --> 00:09:25,241
Not sure about the crab stencilling
or the chains on the wall.

122
00:09:25,287 --> 00:09:28,518
I'll let you into a secret.
It's not my kitchen!

123
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:31,001
Oh, right. I suppose it's a set, isn't it?

124
00:09:31,047 --> 00:09:33,038
No, it's my mum's kitchen.

125
00:09:33,087 --> 00:09:36,875
Oh, right. That explains it,
cos it was quite old-fashioned -

126
00:09:36,927 --> 00:09:40,397
the tea cosy
and those big knickers on the radiator.

127
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:44,838
- I thought they can't be yours...
- Can we get on with the lesson?

128
00:09:44,887 --> 00:09:47,117
Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.

129
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:48,725
It's that one.

130
00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:51,645
I need to see a bit more
of the colour, mate.

131
00:09:51,687 --> 00:09:53,678
OK, just... Sorry.

132
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,241
Just, erm...

133
00:09:56,287 --> 00:09:58,596
Sorry, pal.

134
00:09:58,647 --> 00:10:00,763
Here, does that help?

135
00:10:00,807 --> 00:10:03,446
Nah. Look, I can't do
a match from that.

136
00:10:03,487 --> 00:10:05,557
- Give us the whole page.
- I can't.

137
00:10:05,607 --> 00:10:07,598
Then I can't help you.

138
00:10:07,647 --> 00:10:09,638
No, hang on. Hold on.

139
00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:12,803
Yeah?

140
00:10:12,847 --> 00:10:17,159
- Erm...
- Any time today's fine.

141
00:10:17,207 --> 00:10:18,765
Sorry.

142
00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:22,203
(Errol) Thank you. Please.

143
00:10:44,047 --> 00:10:47,676
Look, if you want to swim,
you have to get in the water.

144
00:10:47,727 --> 00:10:49,718
I'm scared.

145
00:10:49,767 --> 00:10:52,327
- Would it help if I pushed you in?
- No!

146
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:55,437
Can't we go in the toddlers' pool?.

147
00:10:55,487 --> 00:10:58,957
I wouldn't risk it,
unless you want pink eyes.

148
00:10:59,007 --> 00:11:02,920
I'm so silly. I should have
learned to swim at school.

149
00:11:02,967 --> 00:11:05,037
But the boys was always staring at me.

150
00:11:05,087 --> 00:11:08,682
It made me very self-conscious, you know,
cos of these.

151
00:11:09,847 --> 00:11:13,476
I was gonna ask you, you know when
you've got them both in the scales,

152
00:11:13,527 --> 00:11:16,837
- and you're looking back at the camera...
- Three pound four ounces.

153
00:11:16,887 --> 00:11:20,596
No, no, no, that plant on the sink,
is that a busy Lizzie?

154
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:24,435
Look, I'm really not comfortable
talking about my mother's house!

155
00:11:24,487 --> 00:11:26,478
(Chugging)

156
00:11:28,727 --> 00:11:31,082
Is one litre enough for you?

157
00:11:31,127 --> 00:11:34,915
(Errol) Is there a thing
such as two litres?

158
00:11:36,087 --> 00:11:41,115
That's good. That's good. Now, what I want you
to do now is let go of the ladder.

159
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,158
- No!
- Come on, just let go.

160
00:11:43,207 --> 00:11:46,358
- I can't.
- Let... Let... Just...

161
00:11:46,407 --> 00:11:48,967
- No.
- Do this...with your hands.

162
00:11:50,087 --> 00:11:53,397
- Opposite to what you're doing.
- I'm trying.

163
00:11:53,447 --> 00:11:57,486
OK, imagine it's electrified.
(Imitates electricity crackling)

164
00:11:57,527 --> 00:11:59,836
You have to stay in the water or you'll be shot.

165
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:03,323
Think of it like Anne Frank,
instead of an attic, she's trapped in a pool.

166
00:12:03,367 --> 00:12:07,565
And she can't get out cos of the land Nazis.
(Imitates machine gun )

167
00:12:07,607 --> 00:12:09,245
What are you on about?

168
00:12:09,287 --> 00:12:12,279
Is that too harsh?
Anne Frank trapped in a pool by Nazis?

169
00:12:12,327 --> 00:12:14,158
Who's Anne Frank?

170
00:12:15,407 --> 00:12:18,126
OK, right, you're a puppy,

171
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:21,557
and the girl who owns you
has lost her ball and you're gonna go in for it.

172
00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:25,805
Oh! I've lost my ball! I want
my ball back! Will you get my ball?.

173
00:12:26,887 --> 00:12:30,243
- See? Yeah.
- Ooh! I'm standing in the water!

174
00:12:30,287 --> 00:12:32,357
Ooh! That's incredible!

175
00:12:32,407 --> 00:12:34,796
Remember, you can't get out!

176
00:12:34,847 --> 00:12:37,122
Oh, no, it's, ''Oh, I want my ball!''

177
00:12:38,887 --> 00:12:42,721
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. I thought I saw someone.

178
00:12:42,767 --> 00:12:44,485
Not at this time of day.

179
00:12:44,527 --> 00:12:47,803
OK, now the easy bit,
see that bloke swimming there?

180
00:12:47,847 --> 00:12:49,917
(Alarm rings )

181
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:52,356
(Blowing whistle ) Everybody out.

182
00:13:01,607 --> 00:13:04,075
- That'll be 8.70.
- OK.

183
00:13:04,127 --> 00:13:06,322
- I'll just get you a bag.
- Yeah.

184
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:20,397
No, the one with the limp
is Keyser Soze.

185
00:13:21,447 --> 00:13:24,917
- The limp?
- I'm not going through it again.

186
00:13:28,927 --> 00:13:31,282
Oh, yeah! Sorry, come on in.

187
00:13:43,487 --> 00:13:46,638
What do you think
of this shower curtain?

188
00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:49,724
There. Nice, innit?
I think that'll look good.

189
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:53,680
Can't see much of it.
Agnes from Bradford's in the way.

190
00:13:55,447 --> 00:13:58,007
You've got a real problem
with these magazines.

191
00:13:58,047 --> 00:14:01,756
I just don't think people should be
naked in their living rooms.

192
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:04,321
That's where you have...Christmas.

193
00:14:05,367 --> 00:14:07,517
Ooh! See Karen from Luton?

194
00:14:08,687 --> 00:14:10,757
I'm teaching her to swim.

195
00:14:10,807 --> 00:14:15,039
I found out she's not from Luton
and that's not her kitchen.

196
00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:19,717
See those knickers on the radiator?
Have a guess who they belong to.

197
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:21,758
(Knock at door)

198
00:14:25,007 --> 00:14:26,998
(Man ) Pizza!

199
00:14:27,047 --> 00:14:28,685
- What?
- Pizza.

200
00:14:28,727 --> 00:14:30,524
I didn't order a...pizza.

201
00:14:30,567 --> 00:14:32,717
- Flat 76?
- Yeah.

202
00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:34,598
Wa... Wait...

203
00:14:37,687 --> 00:14:39,882
Errol?. Did you order a pizza?

204
00:14:42,567 --> 00:14:44,603
(Vince ) No, we didn't.

205
00:14:45,647 --> 00:14:48,878
- You're in my flat!
- I've put it in the kitchen.

206
00:14:48,927 --> 00:14:51,566
I don't want it.
I haven't got any money.

207
00:14:51,607 --> 00:14:53,643
It's free. It's a free pizza.

208
00:14:53,687 --> 00:14:57,566
- Why are you giving me a free pizza?
- Cos I'm a nice bloke.

209
00:14:57,607 --> 00:14:59,802
Well, I don't want it, go on.

210
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,317
You're teaching my wife to swim.

211
00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:06,677
- What are you on about?
- Lindsay? Glamour model?.

212
00:15:08,287 --> 00:15:10,164
Dolphin?

213
00:15:10,207 --> 00:15:13,119
Oh. No, her name's Karen.

214
00:15:13,167 --> 00:15:15,237
Karen's her porno name.

215
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,086
I wish I'd never taken
those photographs.

216
00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:23,278
- I only did it for a laugh.
- There's nothing going on.

217
00:15:23,327 --> 00:15:25,966
That's my job. And that's my fruit.

218
00:15:26,007 --> 00:15:29,477
The response was amazing.
It's gone to her head.

219
00:15:29,527 --> 00:15:33,236
Suddenly she's got a career.
She thinks she's the next Jordan.

220
00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:36,279
HMS Grantham
have made her their mascot.

221
00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:38,636
I'm sorry but that's not my problem.

222
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,281
You'll have to sort this out with your wife.

223
00:15:41,327 --> 00:15:43,318
No. You stop teaching her.

224
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:46,325
She learns how to swim,
next thing she'll be driving.

225
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:49,120
I can't do that. I'm an instructor.

226
00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:51,158
I took the oath.

227
00:15:56,927 --> 00:15:59,725
(Shrieks ) Well, you don't
have a choice!

228
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:01,837
(Kung fu shrieking)

229
00:16:06,047 --> 00:16:08,436
Right, mate. You, get out.

230
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:14,362
(Vince laughing)

231
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:17,046
- What are you doing? What are you doing?
- Karate.

232
00:16:17,087 --> 00:16:19,123
No, you're not. That is not karate.

233
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:24,082
That... That's not even scary.
You're not frightening me at all.

234
00:16:24,127 --> 00:16:26,482
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

235
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,518
What belt are you, then?

236
00:16:28,567 --> 00:16:31,684
I haven't got one.
I've only had a couple of sessions.

237
00:16:31,727 --> 00:16:34,878
I'm gonna get one and when I do
I'll smash your head in.

238
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,885
- Get out!
- Come on, then. Me and you.

239
00:16:37,927 --> 00:16:40,680
Me and you, yeah?
You want some with me?

240
00:16:40,727 --> 00:16:42,957
I'm a lethal. I'm a lethal.

241
00:16:43,007 --> 00:16:45,840
Errol! Show grasshopper the way out.

242
00:16:45,887 --> 00:16:48,560
Right. You want some? Come on, then.

243
00:16:51,087 --> 00:16:53,920
- Did they put olives on the pizza?
- Yeah.

244
00:16:53,967 --> 00:16:56,925
- Great, I love olives.
- Don't touch it!

245
00:16:56,967 --> 00:16:59,356
You don't know what he's done to it.

246
00:16:59,407 --> 00:17:01,921
I think he's written something on it.

247
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:07,086
- Oh, yeah.
- ''Shemus...''

248
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,687
- ''Shame has no...''
- ''She must no...''

249
00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:11,797
''Shame has no twin.''

250
00:17:11,847 --> 00:17:13,678
''She must no...''

251
00:17:13,727 --> 00:17:15,797
(Both) ''Shamus not..''

252
00:17:15,847 --> 00:17:18,566
(Husband) It says, ''She must not swim.''

253
00:17:18,607 --> 00:17:21,201
You can't ignore me, I'm dangerous.

254
00:17:22,687 --> 00:17:24,484
I don't think you are.

255
00:17:24,527 --> 00:17:28,202
I am. I'm unstable. I'm a nutter!

256
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:30,602
Go on, then. Do something nutty.

257
00:17:30,647 --> 00:17:34,322
OK. I'll show you nutty.
All right. I warned you.

258
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:40,398
See? I told you I was a nutter.

259
00:17:40,447 --> 00:17:42,756
- Do you believe me now?
- No.

260
00:17:43,847 --> 00:17:45,838
Can I have my pants back?

261
00:17:55,047 --> 00:17:58,278
- Where's the light bulbs?
- We haven't got any.

262
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,557
- What?
- We haven't got any!

263
00:18:00,607 --> 00:18:03,519
- Why not?
- Cos you didn't buy any.

264
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:09,563
(Man on sofa ) Why do they
all go out at the same time?

265
00:18:09,607 --> 00:18:12,519
Because we put them all in
at the same time.

266
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:16,600
Is he still there?

267
00:18:17,207 --> 00:18:19,198
(Vince ) No.

268
00:18:23,807 --> 00:18:27,117
- You're not worried about him, then?
- No.

269
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:30,318
A real nutter
would have stayed there all night.

270
00:18:30,367 --> 00:18:33,518
- How do you know that?
- Discovery Channel.

271
00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:35,080
Hmm.

272
00:18:35,127 --> 00:18:37,516
Anyway, I'm a swimming instructor.

273
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:40,559
I have a duty. I took the oath.

274
00:18:41,527 --> 00:18:44,724
I do solemnly promise to teach...
swimming.

275
00:18:48,247 --> 00:18:50,556
(1st man ) All right?
(2nd man ) No, I'm not.

276
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:54,316
(1st man ) What's that smell?.
(2nd man ) My life, innit?

277
00:18:59,887 --> 00:19:03,197
Bloody hell!
What happened to your hand?

278
00:19:03,247 --> 00:19:06,717
I've had an argument with Lisa, man.
Big time.

279
00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:10,044
She's left me.

280
00:19:10,087 --> 00:19:13,716
She said she never wants to see me again
so I punched the wall.

281
00:19:13,767 --> 00:19:16,201
- Did she come back?
- No.

282
00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:21,884
Maybe you're not hitting the wall
hard enough. Give it another go.

283
00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:25,283
- What, you think she might come back?
- It's worth a try.

284
00:19:25,327 --> 00:19:27,682
Go on, give it another pop. Go on.

285
00:19:29,207 --> 00:19:31,437
Go on. Away you go.

286
00:19:37,487 --> 00:19:39,443
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

287
00:19:44,607 --> 00:19:46,643
(Screams in pain )

288
00:19:56,207 --> 00:19:57,879
F... That hurt.

289
00:19:58,767 --> 00:20:00,678
No, I can't let that girl down.

290
00:20:00,727 --> 00:20:04,402
Imagine the scenario.
She gets a big break in Holland,

291
00:20:04,447 --> 00:20:08,520
she's on a diving board
doing continental shots for a video.

292
00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:11,717
The director shouts, ''Wider!''

293
00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:16,318
She's ambitious, she pushes
those hamstrings to the very limits.

294
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:19,439
The excess baby oil
has turned that diving board

295
00:20:19,487 --> 00:20:21,398
into a treacherous plank.

296
00:20:21,447 --> 00:20:23,756
Whoosh! In she goes.

297
00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:26,605
Under once, under twice.

298
00:20:26,647 --> 00:20:29,366
She comes up a third time.

299
00:20:29,407 --> 00:20:32,604
Well, Günther can't help.

300
00:20:32,647 --> 00:20:35,002
- Why?
- He's an Alsatian.

301
00:20:36,287 --> 00:20:37,561
Oh.

302
00:20:37,607 --> 00:20:41,043
- A bit like Turner & Hooch?
- Yeah. A bit.

303
00:20:44,607 --> 00:20:46,438
Gotcha.

304
00:20:46,487 --> 00:20:49,479
Teach another man's wife
to swim, will you?

305
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:53,637
I warned you. I warned you once,
I warned you twice.

306
00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:55,678
I warned you thrice.

307
00:20:58,247 --> 00:21:00,715
It's the last time you'll swing that whistle,

308
00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:04,396
you big swinging whistley-wanker.

309
00:21:04,447 --> 00:21:06,881
Come on, step out into the road.

310
00:21:06,927 --> 00:21:08,997
That's it! That's it, go on.

311
00:21:09,047 --> 00:21:10,924
Go on, yeah, Yeah!

312
00:21:10,967 --> 00:21:13,162
- Yeah, that's it.
- (Engine revs )

313
00:21:13,207 --> 00:21:15,243
Get... Bollocks.

314
00:21:16,447 --> 00:21:18,438
Where to, love?

315
00:21:21,207 --> 00:21:23,721
Open your eyes, it'll stop stinging.

316
00:21:23,767 --> 00:21:27,442
- (Boy groaning)
- Don't make so much fuss.

317
00:21:29,727 --> 00:21:32,002
Oh! Half a cap full.

318
00:21:36,367 --> 00:21:39,120
Go on, off you go.
You'll be all right.

319
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:43,284
Sorry I'm late.
I had a photo shoot this morning.

320
00:21:43,327 --> 00:21:46,399
It was bondage gear
and some bright spark lost the keys.

321
00:21:46,447 --> 00:21:51,202
I had a visit last night from your husband, the
amateur psycho. He doesn't want you to swim.

322
00:21:51,247 --> 00:21:54,956
Oh! Is he worried about me drowning?
Oh, he's so caring.

323
00:21:55,007 --> 00:21:57,123
No, he wants you to stay at home.

324
00:21:57,167 --> 00:22:00,557
Aah, he must love me so much
he don't wanna lose me.

325
00:22:00,607 --> 00:22:02,996
You're missing the point.
He got aggressive.

326
00:22:03,047 --> 00:22:06,642
Oh, he made threats for me?
Oh, that's so sweet!

327
00:22:06,687 --> 00:22:10,362
I'm not bothered
but you have got a marriage to preserve,

328
00:22:10,407 --> 00:22:13,604
- so shall we forget the lessons?
- No. Fuck him.

329
00:22:13,647 --> 00:22:15,603
No sign of her, mate.

330
00:22:15,647 --> 00:22:19,356
Do you know where I think
you're going wrong? Stand up.

331
00:22:19,407 --> 00:22:22,683
You need to punch through your target
with a nasty little jab.

332
00:22:22,727 --> 00:22:26,959
So you think to yourself, ''I love Lisa.''
Nasty little jab. ''I love Lisa.'' Nasty little jab.

333
00:22:27,007 --> 00:22:30,602
- Away you go.
- I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.

334
00:22:32,127 --> 00:22:35,597
- That's it.
- I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.

335
00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:37,319
I love you, Lisa.

336
00:22:37,367 --> 00:22:39,835
(Screams )

337
00:22:41,887 --> 00:22:44,447
Is she there yet?

338
00:22:44,487 --> 00:22:49,083
No, still no sign of her.
That's one hard woman, eh?

339
00:22:49,127 --> 00:22:51,960
- You're comfortable in the water now?
- Yeah.

340
00:22:52,007 --> 00:22:53,998
Remember, you can't get out.

341
00:22:54,047 --> 00:22:56,038
(Husband) Oi!

342
00:22:58,167 --> 00:23:00,556
- Right...
- Glenn!

343
00:23:00,607 --> 00:23:04,316
Lindsay, get out of the pool,
you're coming home with me.

344
00:23:04,367 --> 00:23:07,200
- Vince, what's next?
- I don't wanna get involved.

345
00:23:07,247 --> 00:23:09,681
- Ignore him.
- I'll drink this.

346
00:23:09,727 --> 00:23:13,276
You do realise those chemicals
are very expensive?

347
00:23:13,327 --> 00:23:15,966
- I don't care!
- Put them down.

348
00:23:16,007 --> 00:23:19,920
- (Lindsay ) He won't drink it.
- I will, I've got no choice.

349
00:23:19,967 --> 00:23:23,004
- I'm mental.
- You're not. He's not! You're lovely.

350
00:23:23,047 --> 00:23:25,845
I'm not! Right...here goes.

351
00:23:25,887 --> 00:23:28,082
- Go on, then.
- It's your fault.

352
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:35,077
Oh, no, that's horrible.
That's strong. It's like liquorice.

353
00:23:35,127 --> 00:23:37,595
- He doesn't like liquorice.
- That's a shame.

354
00:23:37,647 --> 00:23:40,639
- Now, imagine you're a frog. Yeah?
- A frog?

355
00:23:40,687 --> 00:23:42,882
She doesn't even like frogs.

356
00:23:42,927 --> 00:23:45,919
- Hold on to the side.
- She's my wife!

357
00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:50,277
Kick your legs, like a frog.
Bring your knees up...

358
00:23:50,327 --> 00:23:52,887
You forced me! Cos I'm a nutter.

359
00:23:52,927 --> 00:23:55,157
(Glenn shouting and screaming)

360
00:23:57,087 --> 00:24:01,365
Together. Bring your knees up together
and then push back.

361
00:24:01,407 --> 00:24:04,001
- (Screaming)
- That's it. Together.

362
00:24:04,047 --> 00:24:06,356
(Lindsay ) Is that it?

363
00:24:09,167 --> 00:24:12,204
Knees up together and then kick back.

364
00:24:12,247 --> 00:24:15,319
- I'll give it a go.
- That's it.

365
00:24:17,807 --> 00:24:21,004
Bring them both up together
and then kick back.

366
00:24:21,047 --> 00:24:26,121
- I'm giving it a go.
- Knees up, push out with your arms.

367
00:24:26,167 --> 00:24:30,718
- What if I sink?
- I'll... I'm a lifeguard.

368
00:24:30,767 --> 00:24:33,964
Right, I learnt something
in karate last night

369
00:24:34,007 --> 00:24:36,999
and I was hoping
I wouldn't have to use it.

370
00:24:37,047 --> 00:24:38,844
You're shit at karate.

371
00:24:38,887 --> 00:24:42,118
- Push the arms together...
- (Kung fu yelling)

372
00:24:44,207 --> 00:24:46,357
Right, I'm getting security.

373
00:24:46,407 --> 00:24:48,523
No, no, no, no! Look, I'm sorry.

374
00:24:48,567 --> 00:24:50,842
I'm sorry. I'll just sit.

375
00:24:50,887 --> 00:24:52,605
- No more nonsense?
- No.

376
00:24:52,647 --> 00:24:54,717
Just sit down and shut up.

377
00:24:54,767 --> 00:24:57,156
Vince! Oh, Vince! Look, look!

378
00:24:57,207 --> 00:24:59,926
Vince, I'm swimming! Look! Ah!

379
00:24:59,967 --> 00:25:01,958
Bollocks.

380
00:25:04,007 --> 00:25:05,804
There you go.

381
00:25:07,327 --> 00:25:09,283
Thanks!

382
00:25:15,327 --> 00:25:17,443
It's my job.

383
00:25:17,487 --> 00:25:19,284
Yeah, I blew it.

384
00:25:20,247 --> 00:25:23,125
I didn't want her to swim
because, well...

385
00:25:24,367 --> 00:25:26,198
I can't swim.

386
00:25:28,327 --> 00:25:30,841
W-Would you teach me?

387
00:25:31,807 --> 00:25:35,925
I do solemnly promise to teach...
swimming.

388
00:25:35,967 --> 00:25:38,879
Unless - you sleep
with the window open,

389
00:25:38,927 --> 00:25:41,760
own a caravan, like olives,

390
00:25:41,807 --> 00:25:44,116
are thick, practise martial arts

391
00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:47,921
or you're a grown man
and your name is Sting.

392
00:25:53,767 --> 00:25:55,758
Brilliant. Thanks.

393
00:25:58,127 --> 00:25:59,924
No.

394
00:25:59,967 --> 00:26:03,516
I'll teach myself, then.
I mean, how hard can it be?

395
00:26:03,567 --> 00:26:05,558
A lot easier than karate.

396
00:26:13,607 --> 00:26:15,598
What are you telling me? You've given up?

397
00:26:15,647 --> 00:26:18,719
You're just gonna sit there
and let her walk out of your life?

398
00:26:18,767 --> 00:26:20,837
Look at my hands, man.

399
00:26:20,887 --> 00:26:24,766
You've got a head, haven't you?
Use that. Go on.

400
00:26:24,807 --> 00:26:26,798
Go on!

401
00:26:37,527 --> 00:26:38,926
OK...

402
00:26:40,087 --> 00:26:42,647
Fucking come on. Come on!

403
00:26:44,087 --> 00:26:45,884
(Snorting)

404
00:26:45,927 --> 00:26:47,918
(Phone )

405
00:26:54,527 --> 00:26:57,166
- Hello?
- (Woman ) Hi, Steve, it's me.

406
00:26:57,207 --> 00:26:59,516
I've been walking around thinking about us

407
00:26:59,567 --> 00:27:02,843
and it seems so stupid, all the arguments.

408
00:27:02,887 --> 00:27:05,117
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

409
00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:08,603
(Tearfully ) I love you, Steve.
I wanna come back.

410
00:27:08,647 --> 00:27:12,606
Well, er, I don't know
about that really, Lisa.

411
00:27:12,647 --> 00:27:16,117
Look, I've got to go. I'm doing a shoot
for a new magazine.

412
00:27:16,167 --> 00:27:18,203
- What's it called?
- Quite Big Tits.

413
00:27:18,247 --> 00:27:22,365
It's for blokes who don't like
really big tits or really small tits.

414
00:27:22,407 --> 00:27:25,683
- Fussy bastards.
- (Glenn ) Help! I'm drowning!

415
00:27:27,127 --> 00:27:30,961
- Shall we get him out?
- No, he'll be all right.

416
00:27:31,007 --> 00:27:33,157
- See you, then.
- See you.

417
00:27:37,087 --> 00:27:39,840
Hi, Mum, it's Errol. How are you?

418
00:27:39,887 --> 00:27:42,117
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

419
00:27:42,167 --> 00:27:45,159
Listen, there's something I need to ask you.

420
00:27:45,207 --> 00:27:49,120
Since I've been away,
have Nana and Grandad been to stay?

421
00:27:50,247 --> 00:27:51,885
Right.

422
00:27:51,927 --> 00:27:54,316
And did they use my old room?

423
00:27:56,887 --> 00:27:58,479
Right.

424
00:28:00,767 --> 00:28:04,555
No, I don't think
I'll be coming home for Christmas.

425
00:28:08,047 --> 00:28:09,765
You too.

426
00:28:13,407 --> 00:28:15,716
Urgh, Nana!

427
00:28:25,727 --> 00:28:28,321
Come on. Come on, then.

428
00:28:29,887 --> 00:28:31,878
I got you...

429
00:28:32,305 --> 00:28:38,734
Please rate this subtitle at %url%
Help other users to choose the best subtitles