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Rice with Stilton and almonds?
I hate almonds.
Cod with oranges and peanut butter.
I'm never cooking that.
Vince, is the Rhine the longest river in Germany?
Yeah.
Mm. Roast potatoes. Mm.
And what's the capital of Germany?
Berlin.
Celery soup? What's the point of that?
And does auf Wiedersehen mean goodbye?
Mm.
Vince... I'm gonna win a BMW.
I'm gonna win a car! I don't believe how easy it is!
I can't drive but I can take lessons.
- You're not gonna win. - I got all the answers right.
Exactly. If you know those answers,
just think how many millions upon millions of people got 'em right.
The only people who won't know them are either dead or in...
- Ipswich. - But I could win.
- You won't. - But I might.
- No. - You never know.
- No chance. - It's possible.
It's not.
If you don't buy a ticket, you can't win the raffle.
- It's not a raffle. - Someone's got to win.
Yeah, but not you.
- I've got a good feeling about it. - I haven't.
There's always luck.
All right, you're gonna win. It's guaranteed. It's in the bag.
I haven't been so sure of something since my jury service.
You just have to look at the evidence. He smokes roll-ups.
Most people in prison smoke roll-ups.
Pork stuffed with whelks, apples... done in a rabbit's liver sauce?
This chef's a maniac. That's surf, turf, orchard and burrow.
- I've got something for you. - No, thanks.
A prize! You've won a prize.
Well, what is it?
If you just let me come in, I will tell you.
- Can't you show it to me? - I don't have it in my possession.
Well, is it really big?
It is bigger than you can ever believe, my friend.
Well, what is it?
The prize that you have won is everlasting life
with Jesus Christ in heaven with the angels.
You are so rude! You are causing me dismay and dejection. Eh!
Yeah, I don't know if it's a convertible.
I hope not. I don't like 'em.
You can't have a roof rack. How about you?
If they believe in God, that's fine. No need to go on and on about it.
I really like pitch and putt but I don't bang on people's doors.
Yeah.
- What's going on? - Hang on.
- What's that? - Someone's chucking stuff out of our...
.. of the flats.
Well, just...
Well, you know, clothes, books,
CDs, bags...
Yeah.
Yeah. We just got their guitar.
Yeah.
Mad, innit? It's mad, innit?
Oh. She's nice.
What do you want?
- Is this yours? - No.
It's just it came out of your window and hit my balcony.
- Well, were you hurt? - No, I'm fine.
You having a bit of a clear out?
I'm Vince.
And you are?
I see. You don't like all that neighbour stuff?
- No. - Me neither.
Chitchat, all that. Wha-wah wah wah wah.
So why are you clearing all this stuff out?
None of my business, is it? Yeah.
Be interesting.
My mum saw a ghost once.
She was down at this B&B in Norfolk. They started hearing these noises.
She didn't think anything of it at first but...
I don't believe that, obviously.
Just wind in the curtains, a few ports. Erm...
Right, well, I'll see you around.
- I probably won't, will I? - No.
Oh.
I like her.
I think I've got just what you need. Have a look at this -
an early 19th-century mantrap.
It was used in the early 19th century...
.. by landowners...
How'd you get on?
Not guilty!
Bitch!
- Is this your guitar? - Oh, right.
- So you're seeing her now, are you? - Yes.
- Who? - Naomi.
We're getting married. In Portugal.
- Are we talking about the same girl?. - Nah. Nah.
- You're a really good driver. - Oh, thanks.
You could take the test tomorrow, nae problem.
Really? Well, a lot of my dreams are about driving,
so I guess I've picked it up.
Right. Well, let's prepare you for your test.
- We'll try an emergency stop. - No, I can't do them.
Why not?
Well, in my dreams, if I do a sudden stop it goes...
All right. Look, when we're driving down this road,
when I slam my hand on the dashboard, you apply the clutch and the brake.
Bloody hell.
- Dinnae do that, man. - Sorry. It's just what happens.
There you go.
No, you haven't cleaned it.
- Yes, it's clean. - What about this big stain?
Oh, this. Can't get rid of this, no.
You can't get beetroot off sheepskin?
No, impossible.
Next time with beetroot, be more careful.
I didn't do it. I bought it like that.
- Did you buy this coat? - Yeah.
Gita, beetroot!
The woman in the Sue Ryder shop said you could get beetroot off sheepskin.
Chucking more stuff out today?
Sorry, I forgot. You don't go in for all that neighbour chitchat natter-natter.
Good thing. Can be intrusive.
Some people call it being nice.
But is it nice to invade privacy?
Friendly to a stranger. Is that nice?
Personally, I think chatting's overrated.
"How are you?" "Mustn't grumble." Where does that get you?
I prefer your approach - stony, cold, icy.
I like that. It's nice.
It was nice talking to you.
Well, not nice, cos you're not nice, are you? You're ice.
They should call you naughty but ice. No, they shouldn't. Bye.
Must stop saying nice.
- What about a curry? - I'm not really hungry.
I'm just relieved. I thought you were going away.
Nah.
- I thought Gavin grassed you up. - Unreliable witness!
I've come to read the meter.
I told you, I don't believe in God. Try someone else.
I'm a qualified engineer. This is my job. I've come to read the meter.
Sorry. I thought you were doing that God thing. I don't know where it is.
I think you'll find it's in the cupboard.
Don't use a lot of gas. I use the microwave mainly.
Can I tell you something?
Gas is a wonderful treasure.
It's given to us by the Almighty Saviour.
Don't start.
He has given us so many wonderful things.
Gas, coal, oil.
We must praise Him for this.
Would you like to join me in a prayer to the Almighty
for all the wonderful things He's given to us?
No, no, because gas is formed when the earth was made in the Big Bang.
- It's trapped in the rocks... - No, no, no.
Gas is a bounteous treasure.
No. No, right, it's a reductive process, right?
The elements are broken down - like air - that's made of stuff.
Like, OK. It doesn't mention gas in the Bible, does it?
If God knew there was gas, why did He keep it quiet?
But the angels tell us about the gas.
You see, in the beginning, we have the...
This is pointless. I'm using scientific fact, and you're banging on about angels.
You're a very sad fellow.
You've caused me consternation and disappointment. Good riddance! Eh-eh!
Eh-eh.
Who is it?
It's about the double glazing.
Hello, Mr Roberts.
Er, wipe your feet.
Properly.
It's no good. Take off your shoes.
And the socks.
- I tell you what, get in the bath. - I've only come to measure up.
Bath first, measure later.
She hasn't come out yet. She hasn't come out yet.
- Are you clean yet? - I think so.
Just in case, use this.
- Well, what is it? - It's special.
Then when you're dry, put this on.
Where are my clothes, Mr Roberts?
- I burnt them. - Look, I only came to measure up!
Vince, I can't stand it! Please surprise me!
Sorry, I forgot. I've had a bad day.
Aah!
I don't know what's the matter with me. I've got a lot on my mind.
This woman and... oh, this stupid coat. That pissed me off.
Why don't you dye the coat the same colour as the stain?
That's gonna look great - purple sheepskin!
I'll hang out with the gay gypsies - listen to Bronski Beat round a fire.
But you'll stand out. Look different.
Maybe give you a chance with that moody girl.
She's not moody, she's icy. Big difference.
- What's the difference? - Well...
Sharon Stone is icy whereas moody's more like Daffy Duck.
Who would you rather go out with?
- Britney Spears. - She's not an option.
It's either Sharon Stone or Daffy Duck.
- I don't like either of them. - You have to choose.
- Why? - Because you're on a desert island.
With Daffy Duck and Sharon Stone? Why can't Britney come?
She's dead.
- When? - In a plane crash.
- Plane cra...? No... - It's a game.
I don't like your game.
Britney's dead and I've got to get off with a duck.
- Or Sharon Stone. - Sharon Stone, then.
See, there is a difference.
I get it. So, erm... I get it. So who would you rather go out with -
Esther Rantzen or Pauline Quirke?
- Don't like either of them. - You have to choose.
- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do. Rantzen or Quirke.
- I can do what I want. - You're stuck on a desert island.
While you're stuck on a desert island with Sharon Stone and Daffy Duck,
I'm on another desert island... I think that's too much of a coincidence.
- It's a game. It's a game. - I'm not playing.
Yeah, you have to. Rantzen or Quirke?
Well, right, Mr... Right, Mr Roberts.
Er, I think we can send you a quotation in the next few days.
I think you'll find our prices reasonable. Thank you.
Oh, sorry about that.
Aaagh!
It was an accident.
What do you want?
I've got a delivery for you.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
You are so rude! Just sign there.
- You work for the gas board. - And DHL.
Anything to spread the word of the Almighty Saviour.
Who else do you work for?
Domino's, Rentokil and the Meals on the Wheels.
Bringing the word of the Lord piping hot to your door. Eh-eh!
Stop that! You'll fail your test.
The Highway Code doesn't say anything about shouting.
If you're gonna shout on your test, you'll fail.
But people always shout in cars.
That's the reward for passing your test.
She hasn't come back yet.
She hasn't come back yet. She hasn't come back yet.
Oh, there she is. Go-go-go, go-go-go, go-go-go-go.
This Bible brings comfort in times of sorrow...
Breathe.
Would you like to come with me to...?
Yeah. No.
Ah. That's it.
Would you like to come with me to the chip shop... No, not chip...
Which floor do you want?
Oh.
OK, this is it. Say something interesting.
Use a big word. Something like... metropolis.
Was it very busy at...
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh. Again.
Hey?
I see. You're trying to make it move.
Are you one of those people that doesn't like being trapped in lifts?
Depends who I'm with.
Oh, do you want to play that game? OK?
Who would rather be trapped with - George Clooney or Tim Henman?
- Neither. - You have to choose.
- No, I don't. - Yeah, otherwise you're trapped forever.
Well, I'll make it easier. Erm...
Brad Pitt or me?
Can't choose between Brad Pitt or me?
Brad Pitt.
That was fun, wasn't it?
Hm.
Do you mind if I smoke?
Normally, it wouldn't bother me but I don't smoke
and we could be here for hours, you don't know...
Unusual coat.
- Thanks. - It wasn't a compliment.
Do you mind if I read from the Bible?
Right. Might as well start at the beginning,
we could be here for hours.
"In the beginning, God created heaven and the earth.
"And the earth was void and darkness was upon the face of the deep."
Oh, I didn't know that.
OK... Liam.
You're gonna be the naughty one, a bit of a rascal.
The girls'll go mad for that.
Jason, you are the sweet one. Sensitive.
They will want to mother you. You will always carry a kitten.
And Dean,
you are the one all the poofs will fancy.
- I am not gay. - Neither am I.
But it don't stop them licking their lips when I walk down Old Compton Street.
Right, now, I've thought of a name for the band.
Wanna hear it?
Boys So Cool.
Yeah. Boys So Cool.
You say it fast, it sounds like "bicycle". Boys So Cool.
That is shit.
All right. I'll think of another name.
Chestnuts.
No. I don't even wanna be in the band.
Ah, scared, are you? Scared of the old work?
Do you think that Sting liked being in a band? Eh?
Do you think they liked getting up on stage
playing their old songs, winking at mums, taking their shirts off?
No. They do it because they are grafters.
Only Sting ain't a band, mate.
He's a solo artist. That's his name - Sting.
You don't know nothing about the music business.
Out!
"And Joab said to Amasa, 'Art thou in health, my brother?'
"Amasa took no heed to the sword in Joab's hands
"and smote him..." What does that mean?
- Killed. - Correct.
".. and shed out his bowels to the ground."
Just thought it might bring you some comfort.
I don't think the Bible mentions faulty lifts.
No, you're right. It's very old-fashioned like that.
There's not a word in here about jet lag or ice-cream headache.
Anything like that...
There is something about a hideous coat.
Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Yeah.
I could do that thing in films, couldn't I? you know, they climb up the cable.
Escape... up there.
Go on, then.
You think I should try it?
All right, yeah. Might as well.
See you later.
Oh. Urh.
Uh.
Can't be done.
What would you be doing now, then, if you weren't stuck in a lift?
Smiling.
- He just went like that. - Don't take any notice. He's an idiot.
- Yeah, well... - I heard that.
We weren't talking about you.
OK, well, that was a very interesting first rehearsal.
And I have decided, in my capacity as manager of the band,
that we do not need you.
Why?
Because you are shit.
- You can't do that. - I can. It's my band. Now piss off.
You can't do that...
You can't...
Cheers.
No! Just lay off...
It's funny how different people seem when you're trapped in a lift with them.
What do you mean?
It's just I used to really fancy you.
- What, and you don't now? - No.
I thought you were perfect.
Now I realise you're just the sort of woman who gets stuck in a lift.
Just like all the others.
Well, it's not my fault.
You wouldn't get Naomi Campbell stuck in a lift, would you?
- So? - It just makes you very ordinary.
Well, you're stuck in a lift.
Yeah, but I'm not the one who swans about like Chris Eubank -
farting Wedgwood pottery into a golden bowl of rose petals.
Well, I can see you've got nothing to shout about.
The way you carry on, anyone'd think you were...
Oh, what's her name? That actress.
Married to that bloke. She's got the cheekbones.
Married to that actor who sounds like he's in The Waltons.
- Man Who Wasn't There. - Billy Bob Thornton.
- Wife. - Angelina Jolie.
Yeah. I mean, you're not her, are you?
You're just some moody bird who needs to take a day off.
Is that what you really think of me?
Well...
Erm... Do you know...
See, everybody thinks that I'm cold and icy and I'm not.
It's just that I don't... Well, I can't...
No, I think you're... I think you're... I don't think you're... I think you're...
- Really? - I think you're...
- What do you think I am? - Nice.
No, not nice! No, you're...
No, no, no, that's OK. I like... nice.
Oh. Oh, good.
Oh. Huh.
That got better, didn't it?
You can sit on my Bible, if you want.
No. No, it's your Bible. You should have it.
No, it's not my Bible. No, it was in here. A bloke left it.
- Really? - Oh, no, I don't... No.
I don't read that stuff.
It was just a joke, I was messin' about...
- That's really nice of you. Thank you. - It's much more comfortable.
Oh, God! What is this?
Here, I like this one.
Ooh!
Hey, lovely thong!
- What's it called? - Oh. Deception.
Oh, blimey, it's crotchless!
What do you think of this?
- Oh, yeah. - It looks expensive.
- How much is this? - 14 pounds and 99 pence.
No, this is good, actually. It means I can concentrate solely on you.
Now, I'm gonna say one thing to you and I want you to say the first thing you think of.
Westlife.
- Boring. - Out.
Hm, nice room.
Nice walls. Nice...
Nice hair.
Nice girl.
Nice.
Let's hope she's not another nutter.
Oh. It's me.
Morning.
Four sugars, love.
Oh, no.
Ah!
Are you gonna kill it?
What is the word of the Lord regarding this?
- The Bible forbids killing or death. - It's a rat.
It's your job to kill rats. You're an exterminator.
My friend, we can persuade this rat to leave the area,
stop his verminous lifestyle and stop from spreading diseases.
We'll be following the scriptures as laid down in the Bible.
Just kill it. Ah!
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