1
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2
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Rice with Stilton and almonds?

3
00:00:30,722 --> 00:00:32,713
I hate almonds.

4
00:00:36,642 --> 00:00:39,873
Cod with oranges and peanut butter.

5
00:00:39,922 --> 00:00:41,913
I'm never cooking that.

6
00:00:44,122 --> 00:00:48,001
Vince, is the Rhine
the longest river in Germany?

7
00:00:48,042 --> 00:00:49,998
Yeah.

8
00:00:51,042 --> 00:00:55,001
Mm. Roast potatoes. Mm.

9
00:00:55,042 --> 00:00:57,840
And what's the capital of Germany?

10
00:00:58,922 --> 00:01:00,321
Berlin.

11
00:01:00,362 --> 00:01:03,798
Celery soup?
What's the point of that?

12
00:01:05,722 --> 00:01:07,952
And does auf Wiedersehen mean goodbye?

13
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:10,118
Mm.

14
00:01:10,162 --> 00:01:13,472
Vince... I'm gonna win a BMW.

15
00:01:14,522 --> 00:01:19,198
I'm gonna win a car!
I don't believe how easy it is!

16
00:01:19,242 --> 00:01:21,233
I can't drive but I can take lessons.

17
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:24,001
- You're not gonna win.
- I got all the answers right.

18
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,919
Exactly. If you know those answers,

19
00:01:25,962 --> 00:01:30,513
just think how many millions upon millions
of people got 'em right.

20
00:01:30,562 --> 00:01:33,918
The only people who won't know them
are either dead or in...

21
00:01:33,962 --> 00:01:36,874
- Ipswich.
- But I could win.

22
00:01:36,922 --> 00:01:38,913
- You won't.
- But I might.

23
00:01:38,962 --> 00:01:41,760
- No.
- You never know.

24
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:44,362
- No chance.
- It's possible.

25
00:01:44,402 --> 00:01:46,393
It's not.

26
00:01:46,442 --> 00:01:49,320
If you don't buy a ticket,
you can't win the raffle.

27
00:01:49,362 --> 00:01:51,353
- It's not a raffle.
- Someone's got to win.

28
00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:53,393
Yeah, but not you.

29
00:01:53,442 --> 00:01:56,991
- I've got a good feeling about it.
- I haven't.

30
00:01:57,042 --> 00:01:59,317
There's always luck.

31
00:01:59,362 --> 00:02:02,593
All right, you're gonna win.
It's guaranteed. It's in the bag.

32
00:02:02,642 --> 00:02:06,157
I haven't been so sure of something
since my jury service.

33
00:02:06,202 --> 00:02:09,512
You just have to look at the evidence.
He smokes roll-ups.

34
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:12,599
Most people in prison smoke roll-ups.

35
00:02:12,642 --> 00:02:17,352
Pork stuffed with whelks, apples...
done in a rabbit's liver sauce?

36
00:02:17,402 --> 00:02:22,112
This chef's a maniac.
That's surf, turf, orchard and burrow.

37
00:02:26,802 --> 00:02:29,680
- I've got something for you.
- No, thanks.

38
00:02:29,722 --> 00:02:32,520
A prize! You've won a prize.

39
00:02:32,562 --> 00:02:34,553
Well, what is it?

40
00:02:34,602 --> 00:02:37,514
If you just let me come in,
I will tell you.

41
00:02:37,562 --> 00:02:41,237
- Can't you show it to me?
- I don't have it in my possession.

42
00:02:41,282 --> 00:02:43,273
Well, is it really big?

43
00:02:43,322 --> 00:02:46,359
It is bigger than you can ever believe,
my friend.

44
00:02:46,402 --> 00:02:48,393
Well, what is it?

45
00:02:48,442 --> 00:02:51,559
The prize that you have won
is everlasting life

46
00:02:51,602 --> 00:02:54,355
with Jesus Christ in heaven
with the angels.

47
00:02:54,402 --> 00:02:59,430
You are so rude! You are causing me
dismay and dejection. Eh!

48
00:02:59,482 --> 00:03:02,201
Yeah, I don't know if it's a convertible.

49
00:03:02,242 --> 00:03:04,233
I hope not. I don't like 'em.

50
00:03:04,282 --> 00:03:07,991
You can't have a roof rack.
How about you?

51
00:03:08,042 --> 00:03:11,796
If they believe in God, that's fine.
No need to go on and on about it.

52
00:03:11,842 --> 00:03:16,472
I really like pitch and putt
but I don't bang on people's doors.

53
00:03:16,522 --> 00:03:17,716
Yeah.

54
00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:20,230
- What's going on?
- Hang on.

55
00:03:21,642 --> 00:03:25,521
- What's that?
- Someone's chucking stuff out of our...

56
00:03:25,562 --> 00:03:27,837
.. of the flats.

57
00:03:31,242 --> 00:03:34,314
Well, just...

58
00:03:34,362 --> 00:03:36,751
Well, you know, clothes, books,

59
00:03:36,802 --> 00:03:39,441
CDs, bags...

60
00:03:39,482 --> 00:03:42,076
Yeah.

61
00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:44,556
Yeah. We just got their guitar.

62
00:03:46,042 --> 00:03:47,521
Yeah.

63
00:03:47,562 --> 00:03:51,271
Mad, innit? It's mad, innit?

64
00:04:01,762 --> 00:04:03,753
Oh. She's nice.

65
00:04:03,802 --> 00:04:06,111
What do you want?

66
00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:08,198
- Is this yours?
- No.

67
00:04:08,242 --> 00:04:11,996
It's just it came out of your window
and hit my balcony.

68
00:04:14,442 --> 00:04:16,910
- Well, were you hurt?
- No, I'm fine.

69
00:04:17,962 --> 00:04:20,795
You having a bit of a clear out?

70
00:04:22,522 --> 00:04:24,513
I'm Vince.

71
00:04:26,082 --> 00:04:28,073
And you are?

72
00:04:29,122 --> 00:04:31,636
I see. You don't like
all that neighbour stuff?

73
00:04:31,682 --> 00:04:33,673
- No.
- Me neither.

74
00:04:33,722 --> 00:04:37,954
Chitchat, all that.
Wha-wah wah wah wah.

75
00:04:39,962 --> 00:04:42,840
So why are you clearing
all this stuff out?

76
00:04:43,722 --> 00:04:46,953
None of my business, is it? Yeah.

77
00:04:47,002 --> 00:04:49,072
Be interesting.

78
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,317
My mum saw a ghost once.

79
00:04:51,362 --> 00:04:55,878
She was down at this B&B in Norfolk.
They started hearing these noises.

80
00:04:55,922 --> 00:04:58,959
She didn't think anything of it
at first but...

81
00:05:01,002 --> 00:05:03,755
I don't believe that, obviously.

82
00:05:03,802 --> 00:05:06,874
Just wind in the curtains, a few ports. Erm...

83
00:05:06,922 --> 00:05:09,231
Right, well, I'll see you around.

84
00:05:09,282 --> 00:05:12,160
- I probably won't, will I?
- No.

85
00:05:12,202 --> 00:05:14,033
Oh.

86
00:05:14,082 --> 00:05:16,073
I like her.

87
00:05:25,882 --> 00:05:30,433
I think I've got just
what you need. Have a look at this -

88
00:05:30,482 --> 00:05:33,360
an early 19th-century mantrap.

89
00:05:33,402 --> 00:05:36,678
It was used in the early 19th century...

90
00:05:36,722 --> 00:05:39,998
.. by landowners...

91
00:05:46,002 --> 00:05:47,993
How'd you get on?

92
00:05:48,042 --> 00:05:50,078
Not guilty!

93
00:05:52,202 --> 00:05:54,193
Bitch!

94
00:05:55,602 --> 00:05:57,593
- Is this your guitar?
- Oh, right.

95
00:05:57,642 --> 00:06:00,395
- So you're seeing her now, are you?
- Yes.

96
00:06:00,442 --> 00:06:02,672
- Who?
- Naomi.

97
00:06:02,722 --> 00:06:05,794
We're getting married. In Portugal.

98
00:06:05,842 --> 00:06:09,039
- Are we talking about the same girl?.
- Nah. Nah.

99
00:06:12,322 --> 00:06:15,075
- You're a really good driver.
- Oh, thanks.

100
00:06:15,122 --> 00:06:17,192
You could take the test tomorrow, nae problem.

101
00:06:17,242 --> 00:06:20,632
Really? Well, a lot of my dreams
are about driving,

102
00:06:20,682 --> 00:06:22,673
so I guess I've picked it up.

103
00:06:22,722 --> 00:06:25,839
Right. Well, let's prepare you
for your test.

104
00:06:25,882 --> 00:06:29,318
- We'll try an emergency stop.
- No, I can't do them.

105
00:06:29,362 --> 00:06:31,000
Why not?

106
00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:34,478
Well, in my dreams,
if I do a sudden stop it goes...

107
00:06:34,522 --> 00:06:37,798
All right. Look,
when we're driving down this road,

108
00:06:37,842 --> 00:06:42,438
when I slam my hand on the dashboard,
you apply the clutch and the brake.

109
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,916
Bloody hell.

110
00:06:58,962 --> 00:07:02,750
- Dinnae do that, man.
- Sorry. It's just what happens.

111
00:07:02,802 --> 00:07:04,793
There you go.

112
00:07:06,242 --> 00:07:08,233
No, you haven't cleaned it.

113
00:07:08,282 --> 00:07:11,035
- Yes, it's clean.
- What about this big stain?

114
00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:13,721
Oh, this. Can't get rid of this, no.

115
00:07:13,762 --> 00:07:16,037
You can't get beetroot off sheepskin?

116
00:07:16,082 --> 00:07:17,879
No, impossible.

117
00:07:17,922 --> 00:07:20,436
Next time with beetroot,
be more careful.

118
00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:22,950
I didn't do it.
I bought it like that.

119
00:07:23,002 --> 00:07:25,072
- Did you buy this coat?
- Yeah.

120
00:07:25,122 --> 00:07:27,920
Gita, beetroot!

121
00:07:30,402 --> 00:07:35,271
The woman in the Sue Ryder shop said
you could get beetroot off sheepskin.

122
00:08:05,082 --> 00:08:07,676
Chucking more stuff out today?

123
00:08:09,042 --> 00:08:13,354
Sorry, I forgot. You don't go in
for all that neighbour chitchat natter-natter.

124
00:08:13,402 --> 00:08:15,472
Good thing. Can be intrusive.

125
00:08:15,522 --> 00:08:17,592
Some people call it being nice.

126
00:08:17,642 --> 00:08:19,792
But is it nice to invade privacy?

127
00:08:19,842 --> 00:08:22,914
Friendly to a stranger. Is that nice?

128
00:08:26,922 --> 00:08:28,913
Personally, I think chatting's overrated.

129
00:08:28,962 --> 00:08:32,238
"How are you?" "Mustn't grumble."
Where does that get you?

130
00:08:32,282 --> 00:08:34,876
I prefer your approach -
stony, cold, icy.

131
00:08:34,922 --> 00:08:37,516
I like that. It's nice.

132
00:08:37,562 --> 00:08:40,395
It was nice talking to you.

133
00:08:40,442 --> 00:08:44,037
Well, not nice, cos you're not nice,
are you? You're ice.

134
00:08:44,082 --> 00:08:48,155
They should call you naughty but ice.
No, they shouldn't. Bye.

135
00:08:50,282 --> 00:08:52,273
Must stop saying nice.

136
00:08:53,322 --> 00:08:56,598
- What about a curry?
- I'm not really hungry.

137
00:08:57,442 --> 00:09:00,798
I'm just relieved.
I thought you were going away.

138
00:09:00,842 --> 00:09:02,833
Nah.

139
00:09:02,882 --> 00:09:07,797
- I thought Gavin grassed you up.
- Unreliable witness!

140
00:09:11,322 --> 00:09:13,313
I've come to read the meter.

141
00:09:13,362 --> 00:09:16,274
I told you, I don't believe in God.
Try someone else.

142
00:09:16,322 --> 00:09:20,315
I'm a qualified engineer. This is my job.
I've come to read the meter.

143
00:09:20,362 --> 00:09:24,435
Sorry. I thought you were doing that
God thing. I don't know where it is.

144
00:09:24,482 --> 00:09:26,552
I think you'll find it's in the cupboard.

145
00:09:26,602 --> 00:09:29,958
Don't use a lot of gas.
I use the microwave mainly.

146
00:09:30,002 --> 00:09:31,879
Can I tell you something?

147
00:09:31,922 --> 00:09:35,471
Gas is a wonderful treasure.

148
00:09:35,522 --> 00:09:38,798
It's given to us
by the Almighty Saviour.

149
00:09:38,842 --> 00:09:40,434
Don't start.

150
00:09:40,482 --> 00:09:44,031
He has given us
so many wonderful things.

151
00:09:44,082 --> 00:09:46,994
Gas, coal, oil.

152
00:09:48,042 --> 00:09:50,033
We must praise Him for this.

153
00:09:50,082 --> 00:09:53,392
Would you like to join me
in a prayer to the Almighty

154
00:09:53,442 --> 00:09:56,275
for all the wonderful things
He's given to us?

155
00:09:56,322 --> 00:10:00,520
No, no, because gas is formed
when the earth was made in the Big Bang.

156
00:10:00,562 --> 00:10:04,077
- It's trapped in the rocks...
- No, no, no.

157
00:10:04,122 --> 00:10:06,113
Gas is a bounteous treasure.

158
00:10:06,162 --> 00:10:10,121
No. No, right,
it's a reductive process, right?

159
00:10:10,162 --> 00:10:14,235
The elements are broken down -
like air - that's made of stuff.

160
00:10:14,282 --> 00:10:17,957
Like, OK. It doesn't mention gas
in the Bible, does it?

161
00:10:18,002 --> 00:10:21,199
If God knew there was gas,
why did He keep it quiet?

162
00:10:21,242 --> 00:10:23,631
But the angels tell us about the gas.

163
00:10:23,682 --> 00:10:26,480
You see, in the beginning,
we have the...

164
00:10:26,522 --> 00:10:31,721
This is pointless. I'm using scientific fact,
and you're banging on about angels.

165
00:10:31,762 --> 00:10:33,275
You're a very sad fellow.

166
00:10:33,322 --> 00:10:37,793
You've caused me consternation
and disappointment. Good riddance! Eh-eh!

167
00:10:37,842 --> 00:10:39,833
Eh-eh.

168
00:10:48,722 --> 00:10:50,519
Who is it?

169
00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:52,951
It's about the double glazing.

170
00:11:06,042 --> 00:11:08,033
Hello, Mr Roberts.

171
00:11:08,082 --> 00:11:10,073
Er, wipe your feet.

172
00:11:15,602 --> 00:11:17,593
Properly.

173
00:11:19,122 --> 00:11:21,716
It's no good. Take off your shoes.

174
00:11:25,682 --> 00:11:27,673
And the socks.

175
00:11:34,722 --> 00:11:38,761
- I tell you what, get in the bath.
- I've only come to measure up.

176
00:11:38,802 --> 00:11:40,997
Bath first, measure later.

177
00:11:42,482 --> 00:11:46,475
She hasn't come out yet.
She hasn't come out yet.

178
00:11:46,522 --> 00:11:48,672
She hasn't come out yet.
She hasn't come out yet.

179
00:11:50,122 --> 00:11:53,034
She hasn't come out yet.
She hasn't come out yet.

180
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:03,276
- Are you clean yet?
- I think so.

181
00:12:04,762 --> 00:12:06,798
Just in case, use this.

182
00:12:08,362 --> 00:12:11,479
- Well, what is it?
- It's special.

183
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:14,320
Then when you're dry, put this on.

184
00:12:14,362 --> 00:12:16,637
Where are my clothes, Mr Roberts?

185
00:12:16,682 --> 00:12:20,231
- I burnt them.
- Look, I only came to measure up!

186
00:12:39,642 --> 00:12:42,634
Vince, I can't stand it!
Please surprise me!

187
00:12:42,682 --> 00:12:44,673
Sorry, I forgot. I've had a bad day.

188
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,916
Aah!

189
00:12:45,962 --> 00:12:50,194
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I've got a lot on my mind.

190
00:12:50,242 --> 00:12:54,918
This woman and... oh, this stupid coat.
That pissed me off.

191
00:12:54,962 --> 00:12:59,080
Why don't you dye the coat
the same colour as the stain?

192
00:12:59,122 --> 00:13:01,397
That's gonna look great - purple sheepskin!

193
00:13:01,442 --> 00:13:05,674
I'll hang out with the gay gypsies -
listen to Bronski Beat round a fire.

194
00:13:05,722 --> 00:13:08,111
But you'll stand out. Look different.

195
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,915
Maybe give you a chance
with that moody girl.

196
00:13:10,962 --> 00:13:14,557
She's not moody, she's icy.
Big difference.

197
00:13:14,602 --> 00:13:16,797
- What's the difference?
- Well...

198
00:13:16,842 --> 00:13:21,233
Sharon Stone is icy
whereas moody's more like Daffy Duck.

199
00:13:21,282 --> 00:13:23,591
Who would you rather go out with?

200
00:13:25,082 --> 00:13:27,676
- Britney Spears.
- She's not an option.

201
00:13:27,722 --> 00:13:30,236
It's either Sharon Stone or Daffy Duck.

202
00:13:30,282 --> 00:13:33,160
- I don't like either of them.
- You have to choose.

203
00:13:33,202 --> 00:13:35,557
- Why?
- Because you're on a desert island.

204
00:13:35,602 --> 00:13:39,038
With Daffy Duck and Sharon Stone?
Why can't Britney come?

205
00:13:39,082 --> 00:13:41,073
She's dead.

206
00:13:41,122 --> 00:13:43,113
- When?
- In a plane crash.

207
00:13:43,162 --> 00:13:46,040
- Plane cra...? No...
- It's a game.

208
00:13:46,082 --> 00:13:48,073
I don't like your game.

209
00:13:48,122 --> 00:13:50,716
Britney's dead
and I've got to get off with a duck.

210
00:13:50,762 --> 00:13:52,753
- Or Sharon Stone.
- Sharon Stone, then.

211
00:13:52,802 --> 00:13:55,270
See, there is a difference.

212
00:13:57,322 --> 00:14:02,191
I get it. So, erm... I get it.
So who would you rather go out with -

213
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,517
Esther Rantzen or Pauline Quirke?

214
00:14:04,562 --> 00:14:07,759
- Don't like either of them.
- You have to choose.

215
00:14:07,802 --> 00:14:10,919
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do. Rantzen or Quirke.

216
00:14:10,962 --> 00:14:14,637
- I can do what I want.
- You're stuck on a desert island.

217
00:14:14,682 --> 00:14:19,198
While you're stuck on a desert island
with Sharon Stone and Daffy Duck,

218
00:14:19,242 --> 00:14:23,235
I'm on another desert island...
I think that's too much of a coincidence.

219
00:14:23,282 --> 00:14:25,557
- It's a game. It's a game.
- I'm not playing.

220
00:14:25,602 --> 00:14:30,073
Yeah, you have to. Rantzen or Quirke?

221
00:14:33,282 --> 00:14:37,161
Well, right, Mr...
Right, Mr Roberts.

222
00:14:37,202 --> 00:14:40,831
Er, I think we can send you
a quotation in the next few days.

223
00:14:40,882 --> 00:14:44,352
I think you'll find
our prices reasonable. Thank you.

224
00:14:44,402 --> 00:14:46,791
Oh, sorry about that.

225
00:14:51,842 --> 00:14:53,480
Aaagh!

226
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,030
It was an accident.

227
00:15:10,682 --> 00:15:12,673
What do you want?

228
00:15:24,522 --> 00:15:26,513
I've got a delivery for you.

229
00:15:26,562 --> 00:15:28,553
Oh, for fuck's sake.

230
00:15:28,602 --> 00:15:30,752
You are so rude! Just sign there.

231
00:15:30,802 --> 00:15:33,362
- You work for the gas board.
- And DHL.

232
00:15:33,402 --> 00:15:37,600
Anything to spread the word
of the Almighty Saviour.

233
00:15:37,642 --> 00:15:39,633
Who else do you work for?

234
00:15:39,682 --> 00:15:42,401
Domino's, Rentokil
and the Meals on the Wheels.

235
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:46,879
Bringing the word of the Lord
piping hot to your door. Eh-eh!

236
00:15:52,482 --> 00:15:55,679
Stop that! You'll fail your test.

237
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:59,431
The Highway Code
doesn't say anything about shouting.

238
00:15:59,482 --> 00:16:02,633
If you're gonna shout
on your test, you'll fail.

239
00:16:02,682 --> 00:16:04,752
But people always shout in cars.

240
00:16:04,802 --> 00:16:07,316
That's the reward
for passing your test.

241
00:16:18,522 --> 00:16:20,911
She hasn't come back yet.

242
00:16:22,122 --> 00:16:24,033
She hasn't come back yet.

243
00:16:25,042 --> 00:16:28,034
She hasn't come back yet.
She hasn't come back yet.

244
00:16:28,082 --> 00:16:29,640
She hasn't come back yet.

245
00:16:29,682 --> 00:16:32,401
She hasn't come back yet.
She hasn't come back yet.

246
00:16:32,442 --> 00:16:36,481
She hasn't come back yet. She hasn't
come back yet.

247
00:16:36,522 --> 00:16:40,310
Oh, there she is.
Go-go-go, go-go-go, go-go-go-go.

248
00:16:53,882 --> 00:16:58,273
This Bible
brings comfort in times of sorrow...

249
00:17:16,322 --> 00:17:17,471
Breathe.

250
00:17:21,202 --> 00:17:24,274
Would you like to come with me to...?

251
00:17:24,322 --> 00:17:26,916
Yeah. No.

252
00:17:28,322 --> 00:17:30,438
Ah. That's it.

253
00:17:30,482 --> 00:17:35,237
Would you like to come with me
to the chip shop... No, not chip...

254
00:17:46,282 --> 00:17:48,557
Which floor do you want?

255
00:17:48,602 --> 00:17:50,001
Oh.

256
00:17:51,402 --> 00:17:54,474
OK, this is it.
Say something interesting.

257
00:17:54,522 --> 00:17:58,879
Use a big word.
Something like... metropolis.

258
00:17:58,922 --> 00:18:01,277
Was it very busy at...

259
00:18:01,322 --> 00:18:03,153
Oh.

260
00:18:03,202 --> 00:18:05,193
Oh, God.

261
00:18:06,242 --> 00:18:08,233
Oh. Again.

262
00:18:13,082 --> 00:18:15,073
Hey?

263
00:18:20,802 --> 00:18:23,521
I see. You're trying to make it move.

264
00:18:23,562 --> 00:18:27,521
Are you one of those people that
doesn't like being trapped in lifts?

265
00:18:27,562 --> 00:18:29,553
Depends who I'm with.

266
00:18:29,602 --> 00:18:31,957
Oh, do you want to play that game? OK?

267
00:18:32,002 --> 00:18:36,234
Who would rather be trapped with -
George Clooney or Tim Henman?

268
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,671
- Neither.
- You have to choose.

269
00:18:38,722 --> 00:18:42,158
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, otherwise you're trapped forever.

270
00:18:42,202 --> 00:18:44,158
Well, I'll make it easier. Erm...

271
00:18:44,202 --> 00:18:46,511
Brad Pitt or me?

272
00:18:51,202 --> 00:18:53,158
Can't choose between Brad Pitt or me?

273
00:18:53,202 --> 00:18:55,193
Brad Pitt.

274
00:18:56,762 --> 00:18:58,753
That was fun, wasn't it?

275
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,233
Hm.

276
00:19:07,202 --> 00:19:08,999
Do you mind if I smoke?

277
00:19:09,042 --> 00:19:12,398
Normally, it wouldn't bother me
but I don't smoke

278
00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:15,434
and we could be here for hours,
you don't know...

279
00:19:19,362 --> 00:19:21,353
Unusual coat.

280
00:19:22,402 --> 00:19:25,200
- Thanks.
- It wasn't a compliment.

281
00:19:38,082 --> 00:19:40,391
Do you mind if I read from the Bible?

282
00:19:44,402 --> 00:19:47,599
Right. Might as well start
at the beginning,

283
00:19:47,642 --> 00:19:49,837
we could be here for hours.

284
00:19:55,362 --> 00:20:00,197
"In the beginning,
God created heaven and the earth.

285
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:04,554
"And the earth was void and darkness
was upon the face of the deep."

286
00:20:04,602 --> 00:20:06,593
Oh, I didn't know that.

287
00:20:08,322 --> 00:20:11,678
OK... Liam.

288
00:20:12,722 --> 00:20:16,078
You're gonna be the naughty one,
a bit of a rascal.

289
00:20:16,122 --> 00:20:18,511
The girls'll go mad for that.

290
00:20:20,162 --> 00:20:25,236
Jason, you are the sweet one.
Sensitive.

291
00:20:25,282 --> 00:20:29,434
They will want to mother you.
You will always carry a kitten.

292
00:20:30,482 --> 00:20:32,279
And Dean,

293
00:20:32,322 --> 00:20:34,836
you are the one
all the poofs will fancy.

294
00:20:35,882 --> 00:20:38,396
- I am not gay.
- Neither am I.

295
00:20:38,442 --> 00:20:42,230
But it don't stop them licking their lips
when I walk down Old Compton Street.

296
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:46,195
Right, now, I've thought
of a name for the band.

297
00:20:46,242 --> 00:20:48,233
Wanna hear it?

298
00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:53,033
Boys So Cool.

299
00:20:54,122 --> 00:20:56,272
Yeah. Boys So Cool.

300
00:20:56,322 --> 00:20:59,951
You say it fast, it sounds like "bicycle".
Boys So Cool.

301
00:21:00,002 --> 00:21:01,993
That is shit.

302
00:21:02,042 --> 00:21:04,681
All right. I'll think of another name.

303
00:21:06,242 --> 00:21:07,880
Chestnuts.

304
00:21:07,922 --> 00:21:11,312
No. I don't even wanna be in the band.

305
00:21:11,362 --> 00:21:14,593
Ah, scared, are you?
Scared of the old work?

306
00:21:14,642 --> 00:21:17,554
Do you think that Sting
liked being in a band? Eh?

307
00:21:17,602 --> 00:21:20,355
Do you think they liked
getting up on stage

308
00:21:20,402 --> 00:21:23,599
playing their old songs,
winking at mums, taking their shirts off?

309
00:21:23,642 --> 00:21:27,078
No. They do it because they are grafters.

310
00:21:27,122 --> 00:21:29,113
Only Sting ain't a band, mate.

311
00:21:29,162 --> 00:21:32,120
He's a solo artist.
That's his name - Sting.

312
00:21:32,162 --> 00:21:34,915
You don't know nothing about
the music business.

313
00:21:34,962 --> 00:21:36,361
Out!

314
00:21:36,402 --> 00:21:40,520
"And Joab said to Amasa,
'Art thou in health, my brother?'

315
00:21:40,562 --> 00:21:43,759
"Amasa took no heed to the sword
in Joab's hands

316
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:46,236
"and smote him..."
What does that mean?

317
00:21:46,282 --> 00:21:48,557
- Killed.
- Correct.

318
00:21:48,602 --> 00:21:51,480
".. and shed out his bowels
to the ground."

319
00:21:53,482 --> 00:21:55,677
Just thought it might bring you some comfort.

320
00:21:55,722 --> 00:21:58,634
I don't think the Bible
mentions faulty lifts.

321
00:21:58,682 --> 00:22:01,560
No, you're right.
It's very old-fashioned like that.

322
00:22:01,602 --> 00:22:06,392
There's not a word in here about
jet lag or ice-cream headache.

323
00:22:06,442 --> 00:22:08,433
Anything like that...

324
00:22:08,482 --> 00:22:11,280
There is something about
a hideous coat.

325
00:22:13,162 --> 00:22:15,630
Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Yeah.

326
00:22:23,002 --> 00:22:26,995
I could do that thing in films, couldn't I?
you know, they climb up the cable.

327
00:22:27,042 --> 00:22:29,761
Escape... up there.

328
00:22:29,802 --> 00:22:31,793
Go on, then.

329
00:22:33,722 --> 00:22:35,713
You think I should try it?

330
00:22:37,202 --> 00:22:39,670
All right, yeah. Might as well.

331
00:22:43,682 --> 00:22:45,673
See you later.

332
00:22:47,762 --> 00:22:50,151
Oh. Urh.

333
00:22:51,202 --> 00:22:53,193
Uh.

334
00:22:53,242 --> 00:22:55,233
Can't be done.

335
00:23:07,242 --> 00:23:10,837
What would you be doing now, then,
if you weren't stuck in a lift?

336
00:23:10,882 --> 00:23:12,759
Smiling.

337
00:23:12,802 --> 00:23:16,556
- He just went like that.
- Don't take any notice. He's an idiot.

338
00:23:16,602 --> 00:23:18,877
- Yeah, well...
- I heard that.

339
00:23:18,922 --> 00:23:21,117
We weren't talking about you.

340
00:23:23,082 --> 00:23:26,836
OK, well, that was a very interesting
first rehearsal.

341
00:23:26,882 --> 00:23:30,238
And I have decided, in my capacity
as manager of the band,

342
00:23:30,282 --> 00:23:32,512
that we do not need you.

343
00:23:33,362 --> 00:23:34,636
Why?

344
00:23:34,682 --> 00:23:36,798
Because you are shit.

345
00:23:37,842 --> 00:23:42,074
- You can't do that.
- I can. It's my band. Now piss off.

346
00:23:44,602 --> 00:23:46,593
You can't do that...

347
00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:50,793
You can't...

348
00:24:14,002 --> 00:24:15,993
Cheers.

349
00:24:22,602 --> 00:24:24,991
No! Just lay off...

350
00:24:33,482 --> 00:24:37,475
It's funny how different people seem
when you're trapped in a lift with them.

351
00:24:37,522 --> 00:24:39,717
What do you mean?

352
00:24:39,762 --> 00:24:42,151
It's just I used to really fancy you.

353
00:24:42,202 --> 00:24:45,399
- What, and you don't now?
- No.

354
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:47,160
I thought you were perfect.

355
00:24:47,202 --> 00:24:50,877
Now I realise you're just the sort of woman
who gets stuck in a lift.

356
00:24:50,922 --> 00:24:52,878
Just like all the others.

357
00:24:52,922 --> 00:24:54,913
Well, it's not my fault.

358
00:24:54,962 --> 00:24:57,999
You wouldn't get Naomi Campbell
stuck in a lift, would you?

359
00:24:58,042 --> 00:25:00,397
- So?
- It just makes you very ordinary.

360
00:25:00,442 --> 00:25:02,034
Well, you're stuck in a lift.

361
00:25:02,082 --> 00:25:05,119
Yeah, but I'm not the one who swans about
like Chris Eubank -

362
00:25:05,162 --> 00:25:08,518
farting Wedgwood pottery
into a golden bowl of rose petals.

363
00:25:08,562 --> 00:25:11,838
Well, I can see you've got
nothing to shout about.

364
00:25:11,882 --> 00:25:14,680
The way you carry on,
anyone'd think you were...

365
00:25:14,722 --> 00:25:18,476
Oh, what's her name? That actress.

366
00:25:18,522 --> 00:25:20,513
Married to that bloke. She's got the cheekbones.

367
00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:24,271
Married to that actor who sounds
like he's in The Waltons.

368
00:25:24,322 --> 00:25:26,313
- Man Who Wasn't There.
- Billy Bob Thornton.

369
00:25:26,362 --> 00:25:28,671
- Wife.
- Angelina Jolie.

370
00:25:28,722 --> 00:25:31,475
Yeah. I mean, you're not her, are you?

371
00:25:31,522 --> 00:25:35,834
You're just some moody bird
who needs to take a day off.

372
00:25:35,882 --> 00:25:38,191
Is that what you really think of me?

373
00:25:39,762 --> 00:25:41,161
Well...

374
00:25:41,202 --> 00:25:43,477
Erm... Do you know...

375
00:25:43,522 --> 00:25:47,276
See, everybody thinks
that I'm cold and icy and I'm not.

376
00:25:47,322 --> 00:25:50,200
It's just that I don't... Well, I can't...

377
00:25:50,242 --> 00:25:55,521
No, I think you're... I think you're...
I don't think you're... I think you're...

378
00:25:55,562 --> 00:25:58,281
- Really?
- I think you're...

379
00:25:58,322 --> 00:26:00,392
- What do you think I am?
- Nice.

380
00:26:00,442 --> 00:26:02,751
No, not nice! No, you're...

381
00:26:02,802 --> 00:26:07,671
No, no, no, that's OK. I like... nice.

382
00:26:07,722 --> 00:26:09,713
Oh. Oh, good.

383
00:26:09,762 --> 00:26:11,753
Oh. Huh.

384
00:26:12,762 --> 00:26:14,957
That got better, didn't it?

385
00:26:15,002 --> 00:26:17,641
You can sit on my Bible, if you want.

386
00:26:17,682 --> 00:26:20,640
No. No, it's your Bible.
You should have it.

387
00:26:20,682 --> 00:26:24,436
No, it's not my Bible.
No, it was in here. A bloke left it.

388
00:26:24,482 --> 00:26:27,076
- Really?
- Oh, no, I don't... No.

389
00:26:27,122 --> 00:26:29,113
I don't read that stuff.

390
00:26:29,162 --> 00:26:31,722
It was just a joke,
I was messin' about...

391
00:26:31,762 --> 00:26:36,233
- That's really nice of you. Thank you.
- It's much more comfortable.

392
00:26:38,962 --> 00:26:42,716
Oh, God! What is this?

393
00:26:42,762 --> 00:26:44,753
Here, I like this one.

394
00:26:44,802 --> 00:26:46,793
Ooh!

395
00:26:46,842 --> 00:26:50,039
Hey, lovely thong!

396
00:26:50,082 --> 00:26:52,471
- What's it called?
- Oh. Deception.

397
00:26:52,522 --> 00:26:55,082
Oh, blimey, it's crotchless!

398
00:26:55,122 --> 00:26:57,795
What do you think of this?

399
00:26:57,842 --> 00:27:00,037
- Oh, yeah.
- It looks expensive.

400
00:27:00,082 --> 00:27:03,995
- How much is this?
- 14 pounds and 99 pence.

401
00:27:08,082 --> 00:27:11,836
No, this is good, actually.
It means I can concentrate solely on you.

402
00:27:11,882 --> 00:27:17,081
Now, I'm gonna say one thing to you and
I want you to say the first thing you think of.

403
00:27:17,122 --> 00:27:18,794
Westlife.

404
00:27:18,842 --> 00:27:20,833
- Boring.
- Out.

405
00:27:23,042 --> 00:27:25,875
Hm, nice room.

406
00:27:25,922 --> 00:27:28,675
Nice walls. Nice...

407
00:27:28,722 --> 00:27:30,713
Nice hair.

408
00:27:31,722 --> 00:27:33,713
Nice girl.

409
00:27:34,882 --> 00:27:36,873
Nice.

410
00:27:38,442 --> 00:27:41,161
Let's hope she's not another nutter.

411
00:27:41,202 --> 00:27:44,194
Oh. It's me.

412
00:27:45,242 --> 00:27:47,233
Morning.

413
00:27:50,202 --> 00:27:52,193
Four sugars, love.

414
00:27:53,722 --> 00:27:56,839
Oh, no.

415
00:28:11,242 --> 00:28:13,039
Ah!

416
00:28:17,722 --> 00:28:19,519
Are you gonna kill it?

417
00:28:19,562 --> 00:28:21,951
What is the word of the Lord
regarding this?

418
00:28:22,002 --> 00:28:26,041
- The Bible forbids killing or death.
- It's a rat.

419
00:28:26,082 --> 00:28:29,597
It's your job to kill rats.
You're an exterminator.

420
00:28:29,642 --> 00:28:33,396
My friend, we can persuade this rat
to leave the area,

421
00:28:33,442 --> 00:28:37,435
stop his verminous lifestyle
and stop from spreading diseases.

422
00:28:37,482 --> 00:28:41,157
We'll be following the scriptures
as laid down in the Bible.

423
00:28:41,202 --> 00:28:43,432
Just kill it. Ah!

424
00:28:44,305 --> 00:28:50,202
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