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- You're up early. - I didn't have much choice.
Why don't you ask her to turn it down?
- How do you know it's a woman? - Saw her moving in.
- What's she like? - I only saw her hands and her feet,
she was carrying a wardrobe.
Seemed like a nice person.
- Surely you should be asking her? - No.
I'll do it.
Never get involved with your neighbours.
They're all nutters.
Like that fella opposite, keeps moving my doormat.
- I'm not sure he does. - He moves it!
Bit to the left, bit to the right - sometimes in the middle of the hall.
- But why? - Because he's a nutter.
They all are. If you want my advice, don't even nod at them in the lifts.
What if they're really friendly?
Just... be ignorant.
Something really bad must have happened to you once.
No, and I aim to keep it that way.
We used to have a really mad neighbour, worked for the water board.
He used to have loads of pens in his top pocket - about seven or eight!
- Yeah? - You only need one pen.
What's the connection with the water board?
That was his job.
Eight pens!
Nutter!
Ooh, baby, I'm so hot for youl
Oh...
Ooh, so big.
Oh, you're a stayer, ain't ya?
Three hours, you naughty boyl
Ooh...
Why don't you bang on the wall?.
Because this is the 21st century.
If I'm hungry I don't dig a pit and wait for a dozy mammoth to stroll by.
Psychology. You ignore them. They don't like that.
As a lifeguard you learn there's more than one way of controlling a pool.
That's why you're in the big chair.
Oh. I thought that was to protect you from splashing.
No.
See?
Willpower.
The only danger now is if she surrenders entirely to my civilising force.
I'm in a nightclub!
A nightclub!
No, I'm not eating - I'm off my face!
Look, hold on a sec, I'll go outside.
Hang on!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi, Jules.
Jules? Just a friend.
A friend!
That's better, I can hear you now.
Yeah, no, I'm fine! I've been having a great time since we, um...
You know? How about you? You seeing anyone?
Right, right... Me?
Nothing serious, you know.
Um, well...
Oh, the club? It's called...
Schindlers. Hang on a sec.
I'm really sorry about the music, it's my ex-boyfriend, you know?
It's really difficult at the moment with him.
I've got to go, you're cracking up. Bastard.
So, er, Karen, you've never done any acting before?
No.
So this'll be your first time, er, performing?
Yeah.
OK, don't be nervous.
I'm not nervous.
Right. Good.
Well, you've got your script.
Right, pretend this is Oxford Street, you're out shopping.
All right, ladies!
Come and get your perfume, I've got all the brand names!
Calvin Klein, Estée Lauder, Chanel - three for a tenner!
Three for a tenner? That's cheap. Is it really Calvin Klein?
Course it is, sweetheart.
I'm not stupid - these cost a fortune!
I told you, no improvising. Stick to the script.
Is it really Calvin Klein?
- Course it is, sweetheart. - They must be stolen.
Nah, I'm a mate of Calvin's. I'm doing him a favour - no VAT.
No, I'm not doing that.
- Do the line. - I can't say that.
Read it out.
Oh, thank you so much, now I will smell better for less money.
You look a bit wet, Vince. You fall in?
Yeah, yeah, I fell in.
I've never noticed the 30-metre wet patch in front of me!
Huh?
I didn't fall in, I got splashed.
You should be more careful.
It's better than being caught with three bikinis in your locker.
That's right, buddy, you walk away.
There's only room for one arse in this chair.
No, that's not right.
I don't care what colour you paint the kitchen - nobody cares!
I know that lion!
I've seen that lion before! Show some other bleedin' lions!
- Up next on four... - Oh, lovely!
Another queer! Thanks very much!
Oh, mate!
Can you do me a favour and turn me Walkman up? I love this track.
Don't even nod at them in the lifts.
Can you turn it up for us?
I really love this track! Can you turn it up, please!
Oh! Oh...
Dirty... dirty bastard!
Come on, Brian, it's not rocket science.
That's easy! Everyone knows that!
He invaded Poland! Moron!
Having a great timel How about you at home - having a good time?I
I'm not having a good time and do you know why?!
Cos I only slept with two women in my entire life
and it's not enough!
Oi, stop that.
- What? - Those noises.
It don't say anything on the board about it.
It doesn't say anything about Viking funerals but we don't allow them either.
You having problems?
No.
If you can't handle the deep end I could take over.
You can't stop them making noises.
Sometimes you gotta be a bit unorthodox.
Remind them they're playing by your rules.
- You watch a prison film last night? - No. I watched Flubber.
Stupid.
Go on, out.
You can't stay here making fart noises all afternoon.
- That wasn't very good. - I'll get my dad on you.
- You haven't got a dad. - Yes, I have!
Not at home.
No, Mr Foley, it wasn't like that.
How am I supposed to know if he's got a dad or not?
Well, in future I'll just let them do what they want.
Yeah, like I'm scared of a bunch of ten-year-olds.
I know you don't need this. You're a very busy man.
Organising swimathons, getting the hot chocolate machine fixed.
No, I mean it! I really admire the way you order all that chlorine.
Hiya, I'm Zara.
Could you do us a bit of a favour?
I'm a bit colour-blind. I need to know - is that blue?
- No. - Oh! Thank God for that!
- I'm not pregnant. - No.
Well...
Here, nuts?
What's the matter with you? Allergic?
That is very bad.
Feel sorry for you, man.
Yeah... I love these nuts.
Just... be ignorant.
This floor is sticky.
Hey, why don't you talk to me?
Are you a racist?
No, I was just being ignorant!
Ohh...
- This Gandhi bloke is amazing. - Yes, Gandhi!
- Cheers to Gandhi. - Cheers to Gandhi!
- Gandhi ji. - Gandhi ji!
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Gandhi.
Saw a film last night.
Gotta clean up the sticky patch by the lifts.
What, cos you saw a film?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
So easily influenced, aren't you?
Shame you didn't see Mrs Doubtfire, could've cleaned it up hours ago.
- What was that? - Another banger.
- Didn't you hear them in the night? - No, I was drinking rum.
Oh, it's these kids, they're trying to get back at me.
I happened to say that... Oh, it doesn't matter.
- That was a rocket! - Mm.
There's a very clear pattern forming here.
- Explosions, dog poo, fireworks. - What happens next?
No idea, it's one of them random patterns.
Could be my phone number on a toilet door offering relief or...
amputation of a favourite limb. It's that random.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Shit. Shit.
Shit.
Directory inquiries, which town, please?
I've got half a number, I just can't remember the rest.
- Without a name I can't help. - You might recognise it.
- I hear millions of numbers. - But it's the one off the, er...
0891 diddle-a diddle-a diddle-a.
Yeah, that does sound familiar.
0891 diddle-a diddle-a diddle-a.
- The number you require is... - 0891212324.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Hiya, just cleaning this mess up.
Yeah, I can see that.
You're the caretaker, aren't you?
What if someone slips on that patch and breaks their leg?
- Go to the hospital. - After that.
Mm, come home, friends come round, write their names on the plaster...
No, no, no, they sue the council.
The council blames me, I say "It wasn't me,"
they say "why not?" I say...
- I'll make sure it's dry. - No, that's a ten grand claim there.
That wet patch is like a blank cheque.
- What was there before? - Sticky goo. Like syrup.
Right, you go down the shops, get some syrup
and pour it in exactly the same spot.
- Just thought I'd help out. - Who do you think you are? Sting?
No, I'm... I'm Gandhi.
Yeah, yeah, it is a bit windy. Mm.
Well, it might clear up... I don't know.
Don't you wanna know what I'm wearing?
Nol No, I just like chatting. Have you heard that new David Gray CD?
- It's bloody excellent. - It's all right.
So you don't wanna try and meet me, then, and drug me?
What? No.
Er, um... so you've got all your clothes on and you just wanna chat?
Aye, that's right.
You're not gonna try and pester me
and photograph me in the woods with my knickers draped on the hedge?
Nol
Hello?
Hiya! Did you have a party last night?
No. No, it's these kids, they're trying to, um...
They... Um, it doesn't matter.
Thanks for helping me out yesterday. I was just really worried.
I've just split up with my boyfriend and I wanna start a new life.
New friends, a...
- Not very good with blue lines, are you? - What?
You're wearing a blue armband, should've been out of the pool half an hour ago.
Staff announcement. Message for Vince.
Mum smells and Dad wears a bra.
Sorry, Vince, I've just been handed this.
Why do you have to do this sort of thing?!
The caretaker told me to, because people break their legs to get money off the council.
- Drugs, is it? - You don't understand...
I don't! You just want to spoil everything for everyone!
Scratching cars and weeing in the lifts.
No, I can't go in public!
I have to use a cubicle. I can't go with people around.
You are sick.
Staff announcement. Message for Vince.
You lick men's cock... Oh, sorry, Vince.
Must remember to look at these before I read 'em out.
Oh, you naughty boy.
Have you had a bit of an accident?
Mm, syrup.
I love syrup...
No, don't touch that, please.
Don't be silly, I wasn't going to eat it off the floor.
Do you know how I am?
No.
- Really? - I haven't a clue.
I... I think you've got something in your hair.
No, it's naturally shiny.
No, I think it's a ring-pull.
I think you've got it.
Those bloody things get everywhere.
Oi! Get off and milk it!
I'm walking. You can only say that if I'm on a bike.
- Your wheel's going round! - I haven't got a bike.
- Bitch! - Slapper!
- I'm a bloke! - Short arse! Midget!
I'm six foot one! I don't mind insults if they're accurate.
- Baldy! - I'm not bald.
- Spamhead. - Egghead!
You can only say that if I haven't got any hair.
- He looks like Ian Beale! - He's not bald either!
- Baldy! - I'm not bald!
Baldy!
- Where's my matches? - By the phone.
- Tobacco? - On the table.
- What about my bus pass? - In your pocket.
- Keys? - There.
- What's for dinner? - Macaroni cheese.
- Any veg? - No.
- Pudding? - Ice cream.
- How's your mum? - Improving.
- Colin? - Can't get hold of him.
- Tried work? - Yeah.
- Mobile? - Yeah.
- Home? - Yeah.
- Taped This Is Your Life? - Yeah.
- Who was it? - Garth someone.
- Good? - All right.
Where's my matches?
Ohh, that's beautiful. What was it like before?
What?
- Can I touch it? - No! What?
Your hair. Does it come off?
Get... out!
I don't...
What?!
I can't help you! It's a wind-up. This is real!
It's these kids, they're trying... I'm not bald!
- You finished? - Yep.
- What was that? - Macaroni cheese.
Macaroni cheese? You'd think a dish called macaroni cheese
would have an equal amount of macaroni and cheese.
What you cooked should be called macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni
macaroni macaroni macaroni cheese
macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni.
What I want is cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese
cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese macaroni
cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese.
All right, I'll do it with more cheese next time.
- Ta. What's for pudding? - Spotted dick.
Mmm...
I'd better be going. Er, can I get my syrup back, please?
Don't go, don't go! You haven't finished your drink yet.
I don't really like Greek liqueurs.
Sorry, ran out of tea.
Let's have a conversation, we might have something in common.
- Do you get asthma? - No.
I mean, you might have seen something I've been in.
- Oh. - A film. Hm.
- No. - Shaken not stirred, Mr Bond.
Look, I've sprayed my finger.
No, sorry, it's...
- Maybe if do the whole thing? - What you doing? You can't...
do... Oh... What...?
Careful, you'll get paint in your eyes if you...
- I've done it before! - Oh, right.
Oh, come on, you must know now!
- I really don't know, I'm sorry! - You must know!
- Who? - I'll put some music on.
I really wanna know who you are, I do.
Oh, Mr Bond!
Oh, right, from the film on the bed with the paint.
- Yes! What took you so long? - You're green.
I ran out of gold.
I know you're down here!
This has got to stop.
We need to meet.
Sort this out.
Where?
King's Head, saloon bar? Eight o'clock?
That'll be a bit difficult for us, stupid.
OK.
The Burger Box, half five.
Spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot dick
spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot.
What I want is dick dick dick dick
dick dick dick dick dick dick dick few spots
dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick.
All right, I'll do it with a bit more dick next time.
All right, see you later. Laters.
All right? I'm Vince.
- I'm Lee. - Bradley.
Carl, Don't Say Much, and Fatboy.
- How do. - Not having a Coke?
I don't like sweet things.
- Deep voice. You sure he's ten? - Don't start!
OK.
So I think things have got a bit out of hand, haven't they?
How do we end this feud?
- What's a feud? - A disagreement.
- Will an apology do? - What's an apology?
- It means you're sorry. - That's no good! We want some stuff!
- Yeah. Booze, fags... - And a grenade.
- I can't get you a grenade! - Crossbow?
No, no weapons.
- I'll pay for you to go to the fair. - Yeah!
No!
I went to the fair once. They said, "D'you wanna go on a scary ride?"
I said, "I don't need to, I came on the bus with my mother."
Bollocks!
- Where d'you wanna go? - Lisbon!
- What's that? - Capital city of Portugal.
I wanna go to a film festival
and stay at t'Boa Vista Hotel with its legendary facilities.
No! That's boring.
You can't go to Lisbon, or have booze or fags.
Tell you what, I'll buy you a Happy Meal and... take you to the cinema.
On the condition you don't hassle me or call me baldy.
Can we have a moment, son? Thank you.
All right, right.
I've discussed it with my associates and...
it's a unanimous decision - on these conditions.
The Happy Meal must have a vegetarian option.
And the movie must be something from the Kubrick retrospective at the NFT.
Great. So, er, what am I?
Not bald.
- Oh, I can't hear you. - Not bald!
Hm. Pardon?
Listen, son, you've got the mane of Samson.
You could be the lead in a Timotei ad. From behind I thought you were Fabio!
- Now, can we go?! - All right, keep it down.
- You're embarrassing me. - So?
- Already? - Yeah.
- I thought it was earlier. - No.
- Been raining? - Yeah.
- Heavy? - No.
- Is the heating on? - Mm.
- Can I sit next to you? - No.
- Fancy a kiss? - No.
- Cuddle? - Hm.
Sex?
All right.
- What position? - Normal.
- What about doggy? - Don't mind.
Doggy, then.
If you like.
- Shall I start? - Yeah.
Nah. The moment's passed.
I said I'm not pregnant!
I just thought you'd like to know!
I'm at the opera!
The opera!
Of course it's shit!
You said you didn't bang on walls.
You know when you see a film and for a couple of hours you're the main character?
Yeah.
I've just seen The Shining.
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