1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:00:24,664 --> 00:00:26,461
(Woman sobbing)

3
00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:30,383
Don't cry. I'm sorry,
I didn't mean it. You're not fat.

4
00:00:30,424 --> 00:00:32,221
Or stupid.

5
00:00:32,264 --> 00:00:35,939
I got carried away.
You're not ugly or boring.

6
00:00:35,984 --> 00:00:37,861
You've got loads of hair.

7
00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:39,895
I'm sorry, I was angry.

8
00:00:39,944 --> 00:00:42,538
Course you've got a neck and ankles.

9
00:00:44,104 --> 00:00:47,619
Evil - it's just a word,
it doesn't mean anything.

10
00:00:47,664 --> 00:00:52,055
Words just fall out of my mouth
like ''you'', ''local'', ''bike''.

11
00:00:52,104 --> 00:00:54,902
- It's the heat of the moment.
- (Sobbing)

12
00:00:54,944 --> 00:00:58,539
I've seen a bag of spanners -
you're much prettier.

13
00:00:58,584 --> 00:01:01,621
That's not a moustache,
just nasal shadow.

14
00:01:01,664 --> 00:01:06,419
You mustn't take me so seriously -
you don't belong in a circus!

15
00:01:06,464 --> 00:01:10,298
And after all, you've got
to ask yourself - what do I know?

16
00:01:10,344 --> 00:01:13,461
- (Sobbing)
- I'm just a health visitor.

17
00:01:13,504 --> 00:01:15,779
So, where is the little fella?

18
00:01:17,584 --> 00:01:19,575
Ow!

19
00:01:23,144 --> 00:01:25,135
(Phone )

20
00:01:25,184 --> 00:01:27,254
Phone!

21
00:01:30,904 --> 00:01:34,863
- Phone's ringing!
- I'm busy! You get it!

22
00:01:34,904 --> 00:01:37,862
I can't, it's on...
it's on the balcony!

23
00:01:39,384 --> 00:01:41,579
(Breathing nervously)

24
00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,615
You still got vertigo?

25
00:01:44,664 --> 00:01:46,655
You've had that for weeks.

26
00:01:50,424 --> 00:01:52,574
Hello?

27
00:01:52,624 --> 00:01:54,819
Hello? Oh.

28
00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:58,179
I don't think so. I'll check.

29
00:01:58,224 --> 00:01:59,737
Mandy!

30
00:01:59,784 --> 00:02:01,740
Phone for you!

31
00:02:02,784 --> 00:02:04,376
Mandy!

32
00:02:05,384 --> 00:02:06,817
Mandy!

33
00:02:07,864 --> 00:02:09,900
No, I don't know where she is.

34
00:02:09,944 --> 00:02:11,935
I'm Vince, I live here.

35
00:02:12,984 --> 00:02:16,499
- Errol, is there a Mandy living here?
- No.

36
00:02:16,544 --> 00:02:20,696
What does she look like?
No, definitely not.

37
00:02:20,744 --> 00:02:23,941
Yeah, looks like
you have dialled the wrong...

38
00:02:23,984 --> 00:02:26,134
Whoa, whoa. I'm wasting your time?

39
00:02:26,184 --> 00:02:29,733
I've had to walk from
the other end of my flat.

40
00:02:29,784 --> 00:02:34,016
I'm a very busy man. I was halfway
through a sheet of bubble wrap.

41
00:02:34,064 --> 00:02:37,898
But I have to drop everything
cos some chubby-fingered idiot like you

42
00:02:37,944 --> 00:02:40,333
can't press buttons with numbers on.

43
00:02:42,264 --> 00:02:44,983
- Vince, can you bring the phone back in?
- What?

44
00:02:46,504 --> 00:02:49,860
Vince, can you...
Can you bring the phone back in, please?

45
00:02:49,904 --> 00:02:53,533
Oh, I've done it...
I'm a bit busy, I'll do it later.

46
00:02:53,584 --> 00:02:56,462
- Who was it?
- Friend of Mandy's.

47
00:02:56,504 --> 00:02:58,495
Bit harsh.

48
00:03:02,544 --> 00:03:06,457
- What?
- I thought that was a bit harsh.

49
00:03:06,504 --> 00:03:10,019
- He was wasting my time.
- Yeah, but it was a mistake.

50
00:03:10,064 --> 00:03:13,374
- Yeah, I know!
- He didn't mean it.

51
00:03:13,424 --> 00:03:14,903
Exactly!

52
00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:18,937
Yeah, but if he rang for Mandy
a-and Mandy doesn't live here

53
00:03:18,984 --> 00:03:21,782
and then y-you answered
and was annoyed

54
00:03:21,824 --> 00:03:26,261
- and then he-he obviously didn't...
- You're getting confused.

55
00:03:26,304 --> 00:03:29,740
Let me explain it
in the way of, like, a metaphor.

56
00:03:29,784 --> 00:03:33,538
There's a bloke, living in a tower block
getting on with his life,

57
00:03:33,584 --> 00:03:35,415
bit of bubble wrap.

58
00:03:35,464 --> 00:03:38,024
Another bloke, he's trying
to get in touch with Mandy.

59
00:03:38,064 --> 00:03:43,092
Now, anyone can see, that's a recipe for -
pow! - disaster. You see now?

60
00:03:43,144 --> 00:03:44,623
Yeah.

61
00:03:49,664 --> 00:03:53,020
Five! One, two, three, four, five.

62
00:03:53,064 --> 00:03:56,340
Treatment card. What's it say?

63
00:03:56,384 --> 00:04:00,662
''You have been sectioned
at a maximum security psychiatric hospital.

64
00:04:00,704 --> 00:04:03,821
''Miss two goes.'' (Nerdy laugh)

65
00:04:06,704 --> 00:04:08,979
(Coughs ) One, two, three.

66
00:04:09,024 --> 00:04:11,015
(Groaning)

67
00:04:12,064 --> 00:04:15,852
D'oh! ''You've been caught dressed up
as your mother again.

68
00:04:15,904 --> 00:04:18,293
''Request for laxatives denied!''

69
00:04:19,184 --> 00:04:21,539
My go again! (Nerdy laugh)

70
00:04:22,904 --> 00:04:25,896
Four. One, two, three, four.

71
00:04:28,264 --> 00:04:31,062
''You've beaten a manic-depressive
at table tennis.''

72
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,935
Yes!

73
00:04:32,984 --> 00:04:35,373
- ''Collect two fags.''
- Oh, yes!

74
00:04:35,424 --> 00:04:38,018
♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out

75
00:04:38,064 --> 00:04:40,339
♪ On the feast of Stephen

76
00:04:40,384 --> 00:04:42,375
♪ And I was the winner ♪

77
00:04:42,424 --> 00:04:44,938
(Grunting to tune )

78
00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:46,178
Oh...

79
00:04:46,224 --> 00:04:48,499
Come on...

80
00:04:48,544 --> 00:04:50,262
Six! Yes!

81
00:04:50,304 --> 00:04:53,501
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Treatment card.

82
00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:55,216
What's it say?!

83
00:04:56,704 --> 00:05:01,459
''Your medication is being reduced.
You are allowed to wear a belt.''

84
00:05:01,504 --> 00:05:04,302
Yes! They said I was mad!

85
00:05:06,944 --> 00:05:11,859
Five. One, two, three, four, five.
Treatment card. What's it say?

86
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:16,457
- Tea.
- I haven't got time to drink tea.

87
00:05:17,504 --> 00:05:19,495
I'm snowed under.

88
00:05:20,664 --> 00:05:23,462
Do I look like
I've got time to drink tea?

89
00:05:23,504 --> 00:05:26,735
I don't know. I just thought you might like
a nice cup of tea.

90
00:05:27,984 --> 00:05:30,623
- You havin' a go?
- No.

91
00:05:31,744 --> 00:05:34,975
What d'you think? Black or white?

92
00:05:35,024 --> 00:05:37,060
- Not now.
- Sorry.

93
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:40,493
- Busy day, then?
- (Sighs )

94
00:05:40,544 --> 00:05:44,537
It's ridiculous. I don't know
how I'm gonna get it all done.

95
00:05:44,584 --> 00:05:47,781
I've gotta post two letters.
Not one - two!

96
00:05:47,824 --> 00:05:50,896
Yeah? Buy some vitamins,
get a paper...

97
00:05:50,944 --> 00:05:53,333
and get my holiday snaps developed.

98
00:05:53,384 --> 00:05:56,296
- When did you go on holiday?
- Couple of years ago,

99
00:05:56,344 --> 00:05:59,097
I just haven't had a chance
to get 'em done.

100
00:05:59,144 --> 00:06:02,659
- Also I've got to watch the rest of Catchphrase.
- It was brilliant!

101
00:06:02,704 --> 00:06:08,097
The picture was a bird, it was 4:30
in the morning and there's a worm...

102
00:06:08,144 --> 00:06:10,021
Early bird catches the worm!

103
00:06:11,024 --> 00:06:14,539
- Yeah, that's right.
- But what did the bloke say?

104
00:06:14,584 --> 00:06:17,178
He got it right as well.

105
00:06:18,224 --> 00:06:20,533
Won't bother watching that, then.

106
00:06:20,584 --> 00:06:22,575
Anyway, I like being busy.

107
00:06:22,624 --> 00:06:24,660
I love sending letters.

108
00:06:24,704 --> 00:06:27,616
What's enjoyable
about posting a letter?

109
00:06:27,664 --> 00:06:31,703
Fair enough, when you're five, it's a treat -
push it through the big red mouth.

110
00:06:31,744 --> 00:06:35,737
- But that soon wears off.
- Think who you're sending it to

111
00:06:35,784 --> 00:06:38,014
and their smile when they open it.

112
00:06:39,064 --> 00:06:41,453
(Thinks) ''Dear Jimmy Somerville.

113
00:06:41,504 --> 00:06:44,143
''How long is it since you had a hit?
Ten years?

114
00:06:44,184 --> 00:06:48,257
''Why don't you give up,
if you haven't already? ByeI''

115
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:51,581
''Dear Emlyn Hughes.

116
00:06:51,624 --> 00:06:52,659
''Busy?''

117
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,016
(Bell dings )

118
00:07:14,304 --> 00:07:15,862
Errol?.

119
00:07:16,544 --> 00:07:18,739
Oh, sorry,
I thought you were someone else.

120
00:07:19,784 --> 00:07:21,581
Cos...cos of the trainers.

121
00:07:23,064 --> 00:07:27,501
I'd better go, got to get this...ooh.
Sorry, I'll get out your way.

122
00:07:27,544 --> 00:07:30,536
Please, go, I've only got one left!

123
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,859
No, with the new ones you get five.

124
00:07:34,024 --> 00:07:36,584
Oh, it's an old one -
you only get four.

125
00:07:39,824 --> 00:07:42,099
(Tapping film on table )

126
00:07:42,144 --> 00:07:44,419
- C'n 'elp you?
- Pardon?

127
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,979
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I wanna get these developed.

128
00:07:48,024 --> 00:07:51,619
D'you want one hour, two... (Mumbles )

129
00:07:51,664 --> 00:07:53,700
What was the third one, again?

130
00:07:53,744 --> 00:07:55,780
(Mumbles )

131
00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:59,258
I'll try that one, might be fun.

132
00:08:00,344 --> 00:08:02,619
(Sighs ) Four-twenty.

133
00:08:02,664 --> 00:08:04,655
Four pounds twenty pence?

134
00:08:04,704 --> 00:08:06,183
Yeah!

135
00:08:06,224 --> 00:08:08,692
- There you go.
- (Sighs )

136
00:08:11,504 --> 00:08:14,462
So, er, when do I pick them up?

137
00:08:14,504 --> 00:08:17,302
Come back... (Mumbles )

138
00:08:18,344 --> 00:08:22,223
- Tomorrow?
- No, come back... (Mumbles )

139
00:08:22,264 --> 00:08:25,461
- Next week?
- Come back... (Mumbles )

140
00:08:25,504 --> 00:08:29,417
- Could you write it down, actually?
- (Tuts )

141
00:08:32,904 --> 00:08:35,099
Could you print it?

142
00:08:37,864 --> 00:08:41,061
- Oh, this afternoon!
- You deaf or something?!

143
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,902
- Do you know who I am?
- No.

144
00:08:43,944 --> 00:08:47,175
I'm a plain-clothes customer relations officer.
Do you know what that means?

145
00:08:47,224 --> 00:08:48,452
No.

146
00:08:48,504 --> 00:08:51,177
I'm the chief snooper for Flashysnaps. Oh, yeah.

147
00:08:51,224 --> 00:08:53,943
You were favourite for
Employee of the Month

148
00:08:53,984 --> 00:08:57,454
but when you collect the award
you've got to make a speech

149
00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:00,018
and frankly, Miss...Redknapp,

150
00:09:00,064 --> 00:09:02,453
I don't think you're up to it.

151
00:09:10,304 --> 00:09:12,295
Well done.

152
00:09:22,064 --> 00:09:24,055
(Slurps )

153
00:09:25,184 --> 00:09:26,776
(Grunts )

154
00:09:26,824 --> 00:09:28,701
(Exhales )

155
00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:36,095
Come on, baby, come on, baby.
I need a five, I'm on day release.

156
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:38,696
(Laughs ) Two!

157
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,894
(Groans )

158
00:09:40,944 --> 00:09:43,139
(Moronic laughter)

159
00:09:44,624 --> 00:09:46,421
Treatment card.

160
00:09:46,464 --> 00:09:48,455
(Snorting)

161
00:09:50,544 --> 00:09:52,774
(Manic laughter)

162
00:09:57,184 --> 00:09:59,175
(Electricity crackling)

163
00:10:01,504 --> 00:10:03,495
(Moronic laughter)

164
00:10:11,864 --> 00:10:14,253
So, where you been then, Vince?

165
00:10:14,304 --> 00:10:16,420
- Library?
- No.

166
00:10:16,464 --> 00:10:18,500
Oh, course, no books.

167
00:10:19,544 --> 00:10:21,535
- Snooker?
- No.

168
00:10:21,584 --> 00:10:24,223
- Am I warm?
- No.

169
00:10:25,384 --> 00:10:27,420
You've been...

170
00:10:28,464 --> 00:10:31,262
selling your liver
to a rich Arab prince?

171
00:10:31,304 --> 00:10:32,703
No.

172
00:10:32,744 --> 00:10:35,212
Silly me, you've only got one liver.

173
00:10:35,264 --> 00:10:38,381
- Been to a gallery?
- (Sighs )

174
00:10:38,424 --> 00:10:40,858
No. Art's rubbish, innit?

175
00:10:41,984 --> 00:10:43,975
- Sketchley's?
- No.

176
00:10:44,024 --> 00:10:45,821
- Kent?
- No.

177
00:10:45,864 --> 00:10:47,456
Rowing?

178
00:10:47,504 --> 00:10:49,495
Screwing?

179
00:10:52,384 --> 00:10:56,582
Right, here we are.
This is us getting on the plane.

180
00:10:56,624 --> 00:10:58,694
- Remember that?
- Oh, yeah!

181
00:10:58,744 --> 00:11:03,022
- That's the hotel.
- It was right on the beach.

182
00:11:03,064 --> 00:11:05,373
Yeah. There's our room.

183
00:11:05,424 --> 00:11:09,895
This is the view from our room, only you can't
see it properly cos they censored it.

184
00:11:09,944 --> 00:11:13,619
- He'd only just got up.
- Morning glory. (Grunts )

185
00:11:13,664 --> 00:11:16,178
(Both laugh)

186
00:11:16,224 --> 00:11:18,215
This is the pool at night...

187
00:11:18,264 --> 00:11:21,381
They censored that as well -
I was only having having a bit of fun.

188
00:11:22,344 --> 00:11:25,461
You both look good with a tan. (Chuckles )

189
00:11:25,504 --> 00:11:26,983
Thanks.

190
00:11:27,024 --> 00:11:30,221
- This is the hire car.
- What you can see of it.

191
00:11:30,264 --> 00:11:32,983
(Woman ) The bonnet got very hot.

192
00:11:33,024 --> 00:11:37,461
Oh, this is a really nice couple
we met - Pete and Sue.

193
00:11:37,504 --> 00:11:40,621
From Gloucester.

194
00:11:40,664 --> 00:11:43,337
I've seen them in the magazines.

195
00:11:43,384 --> 00:11:45,215
Oh, here they are again.

196
00:11:45,264 --> 00:11:49,416
Difficult to tell - according to Flashysnaps
they were performing an...

197
00:11:49,464 --> 00:11:51,375
(Both) Unnatural act.

198
00:11:51,424 --> 00:11:55,702
- (Tuts )
- I do love an all-over tan. (Laughs )

199
00:11:55,744 --> 00:12:00,420
Ooh, and this picture
is a little slice of history

200
00:12:00,464 --> 00:12:06,255
because until this picture was taken
that ground was considered sacred.

201
00:12:06,304 --> 00:12:07,942
(Chuckling)

202
00:12:07,984 --> 00:12:11,056
Right...shall we?

203
00:12:11,104 --> 00:12:13,379
(Giggling)

204
00:12:15,864 --> 00:12:17,855
(Laughing)

205
00:12:19,464 --> 00:12:21,341
Anyone phoned
since that wrong number?

206
00:12:21,384 --> 00:12:23,375
- No.
- Better do 1471.

207
00:12:29,864 --> 00:12:31,377
Hello?

208
00:12:31,424 --> 00:12:33,938
Yeah, is...is Mandy there?

209
00:12:35,264 --> 00:12:38,779
No, this isn't a wrong number.
I meant to phone you.

210
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:41,463
Well, I was busy when you phoned me.

211
00:12:41,504 --> 00:12:43,540
Anyway, is she there?

212
00:12:44,584 --> 00:12:49,214
I know she doesn't live there. She doesn't here
but that didn't stop you pestering me.

213
00:12:49,264 --> 00:12:52,301
- (Toilet flushes )
- Is there someone in the toilet?

214
00:12:52,344 --> 00:12:55,381
- Yeah. Sergeant Hamilton.
- What?

215
00:12:55,424 --> 00:12:59,053
Can I call you later? Yeah.
What time d'you go to bed?

216
00:12:59,104 --> 00:13:01,095
He's been waiting for you.

217
00:13:01,144 --> 00:13:03,135
Why didn't you say?

218
00:13:03,184 --> 00:13:06,062
You really should
leave that bloke alone.

219
00:13:06,104 --> 00:13:09,619
- I'm the innocent one.
- Innocent of what, Mr Clark?

220
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,973
- Nothing!
- Innocent of nothing?

221
00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:13,980
Are you guilty of everything?

222
00:13:14,024 --> 00:13:15,980
- I'm not guilty.
- Of what?

223
00:13:16,024 --> 00:13:17,742
I don't know.

224
00:13:17,784 --> 00:13:21,333
You're not guilty of something
you don't know about?

225
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,740
No, I'm saying I don't know
what I'm not guilty of.

226
00:13:24,784 --> 00:13:26,934
That's my job - to find out.

227
00:13:26,984 --> 00:13:29,782
Do you mind if I put some music on?

228
00:13:31,664 --> 00:13:33,655
Look, what's this all about?

229
00:13:33,704 --> 00:13:35,740
Are these your photographs?

230
00:13:36,864 --> 00:13:40,413
Oh! That's the service
she was going on about.

231
00:13:40,464 --> 00:13:42,375
(Mumbles )

232
00:13:42,424 --> 00:13:45,780
Your photos delivered in fancy dress.
Nice one.

233
00:13:45,824 --> 00:13:49,817
You may have noticed
that one of the photos is missing.

234
00:13:49,864 --> 00:13:55,939
This one. A very clear photograph
of you holding a dead swan.

235
00:13:55,984 --> 00:13:59,340
- That came out well...
- ( # Thrash metal)

236
00:13:59,384 --> 00:14:03,172
DID YOU KILL THIS SWAN, MR CLARK?!

237
00:14:03,224 --> 00:14:04,816
WHAT?!

238
00:14:04,864 --> 00:14:08,493
DID YOU KILL THIS SWAN?!

239
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:14,095
NO! I DID NOT KILL THAT SWAN!

240
00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:19,013
I THINK YOU'VE GOT
SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!

241
00:14:19,064 --> 00:14:22,943
ARE YOU A REAL POLICEMAN?!

242
00:14:22,984 --> 00:14:26,454
- YEAH!
- HOLD ON!

243
00:14:28,624 --> 00:14:32,583
Errol! Turn that music down!

244
00:14:32,624 --> 00:14:34,615
(Music continues )

245
00:14:37,424 --> 00:14:39,415
- (Music stops )
- (Errol) Sorry!

246
00:14:40,984 --> 00:14:45,614
I hope you realise, Mr Clark,
that killing a swan is a serious offence.

247
00:14:45,664 --> 00:14:47,461
I didn't kill it!

248
00:14:47,504 --> 00:14:49,859
Then why are you holding it up as a trophy?

249
00:14:49,904 --> 00:14:53,419
I was moving it.
I was about to put it in the bin

250
00:14:53,464 --> 00:14:55,932
when my ex-girlfriend took a photograph.

251
00:14:55,984 --> 00:14:58,817
I mean, have a look
at the picture, right?

252
00:14:58,864 --> 00:15:01,503
Forget the swan, the swan's not there.

253
00:15:01,544 --> 00:15:04,217
Concentrate on the expression
on my face.

254
00:15:04,264 --> 00:15:06,255
That is not the face of a killer.

255
00:15:06,304 --> 00:15:09,182
No, you're laughing your head off.

256
00:15:09,224 --> 00:15:11,021
It was quite funny, actually,

257
00:15:11,064 --> 00:15:14,898
as she was taking the photo
the other swan was behind her,

258
00:15:14,944 --> 00:15:19,859
she didn't realise,
it was about to attack her. It was hilarious.

259
00:15:19,904 --> 00:15:21,462
Broke her arm.

260
00:15:23,144 --> 00:15:24,975
It wasn't that funny.

261
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:27,413
If you didn't kill the swan, who did?

262
00:15:27,464 --> 00:15:30,183
No one, it flew into a tree.

263
00:15:30,224 --> 00:15:33,261
Swans don't fly into trees!

264
00:15:33,304 --> 00:15:35,260
Some do.

265
00:15:36,304 --> 00:15:39,774
- Cup of tea? Coffee? Squash?
- No, thanks.

266
00:15:39,824 --> 00:15:42,782
You'll have to accompany me
to the station.

267
00:15:42,824 --> 00:15:45,292
- Why?
- Milk? Apple juice?

268
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:49,656
No, I'm fine. On suspicion of
killing one of Her Majesty's swans.

269
00:15:49,704 --> 00:15:52,377
- Was it one of hers?
- They all are!

270
00:15:52,424 --> 00:15:54,574
Lemonade. I've got Nesquik...

271
00:15:54,624 --> 00:15:58,617
Perhaps something stronger,
like a sherry? Or a Guinness?

272
00:15:58,664 --> 00:16:00,143
No.

273
00:16:00,184 --> 00:16:02,175
I do not want anything...

274
00:16:02,224 --> 00:16:03,942
to drink.

275
00:16:04,984 --> 00:16:08,454
Toast? Ice cream? Falafel?.

276
00:16:08,504 --> 00:16:11,098
Or eat.

277
00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:13,135
(Woman screaming, banging)

278
00:16:14,184 --> 00:16:16,379
(Man ) Oh! Yeah, yeah!

279
00:16:23,224 --> 00:16:26,819
- What's he in for?
- Killing a swan.

280
00:16:26,864 --> 00:16:28,855
What'd he do?

281
00:16:30,784 --> 00:16:32,775
He killed a swan.

282
00:16:32,824 --> 00:16:36,976
Oh, I thought it was, like,
you know, chasing the dragon or...

283
00:16:38,024 --> 00:16:39,662
No.

284
00:16:40,704 --> 00:16:43,172
What's your favourite crime, Sarge?

285
00:16:43,224 --> 00:16:45,215
I like a good murder.

286
00:16:45,264 --> 00:16:50,258
Or something light-hearted like...
a siege in a bra factory.

287
00:16:52,184 --> 00:16:54,140
What about you?

288
00:16:55,184 --> 00:16:57,175
Criminal damage.

289
00:17:06,744 --> 00:17:08,894
You have two choices -

290
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:13,699
you go to court on a cruelty charge,
you lose, you get six months.

291
00:17:13,744 --> 00:17:15,621
What? Six months what?

292
00:17:15,664 --> 00:17:17,780
- Prison.
- For a swan?!

293
00:17:17,824 --> 00:17:21,817
Or you plea bargain
against an old legal loophole

294
00:17:21,864 --> 00:17:24,219
dating back to 1586 -

295
00:17:24,264 --> 00:17:27,256
reckless conduct likely to, er,

296
00:17:27,304 --> 00:17:31,502
harm or destroy
Her Majesty's wildfowl...

297
00:17:31,544 --> 00:17:34,183
punishable by half a day in the stocks.

298
00:17:34,224 --> 00:17:36,533
But...I didn't do it.

299
00:17:36,584 --> 00:17:40,543
I've seen the picture.
Do you want six months or half a day?

300
00:17:40,584 --> 00:17:43,576
- I didn't do it!
- Look at the photo.

301
00:17:43,624 --> 00:17:47,412
You are laughing your head off
and holding a dead swan.

302
00:17:47,464 --> 00:17:50,262
- Any idiot can see what you've been doing.
- I know, I know.

303
00:17:50,304 --> 00:17:52,864
It looks bad. It looks very bad.

304
00:17:52,904 --> 00:17:55,464
Do you want half a day or six months?

305
00:17:55,504 --> 00:17:57,734
But I was putting it in the bin...

306
00:17:57,784 --> 00:17:59,854
Half a day or six months?

307
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,976
I was just trying
to tidy up the river bank...

308
00:18:03,024 --> 00:18:04,980
All right, six months.

309
00:18:05,024 --> 00:18:08,061
- (Sighs )
- Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on...

310
00:18:08,104 --> 00:18:09,981
(Muttering)

311
00:18:13,904 --> 00:18:16,099
- (Woman wailing)
- (Banging)

312
00:18:16,144 --> 00:18:18,374
(Man ) Yes! Yes! Whoa!

313
00:18:18,424 --> 00:18:20,813
(Woman screaming, man moaning)

314
00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:28,942
- Errol, I need the phone.
- I won't be long.

315
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:32,215
- This is an emergency.
- Shh, it's ringing!

316
00:18:32,264 --> 00:18:36,177
Hello, are you the lady
who's been looking for her cat?

317
00:18:36,224 --> 00:18:39,261
Yeah, I saw your poster,
black cat with a white spot.

318
00:18:39,304 --> 00:18:42,023
Mr Chuffington? Yeah...

319
00:18:42,064 --> 00:18:44,817
Hello? Yeah, I saw your cat as well.

320
00:18:44,864 --> 00:18:49,984
About half an hour ago, it was ingrained
in the tread of an Eddie Stobart lorry.

321
00:18:50,024 --> 00:18:53,016
I don't know if it was dead,
it was going round too fast.

322
00:18:53,064 --> 00:18:55,419
Treat yourself to a new one.

323
00:18:55,464 --> 00:18:57,261
Why'd you do that?

324
00:18:57,304 --> 00:19:00,262
Sorry, I've got to phone my ex-girlfriend.

325
00:19:00,304 --> 00:19:01,896
(Ringing)

326
00:19:01,944 --> 00:19:03,343
Hello.

327
00:19:03,384 --> 00:19:05,375
Hi, Jill, Vince here.

328
00:19:07,224 --> 00:19:09,738
- Hello?
- What do you want?

329
00:19:09,784 --> 00:19:12,423
How are you?
Still working for that jeweller?

330
00:19:12,464 --> 00:19:14,261
What do you want?

331
00:19:14,304 --> 00:19:19,378
Remember we went camping and we had
that bit of bother with the swans? Sorry.

332
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:22,973
I'm having the pins
taken out of my arm in 2003.

333
00:19:23,024 --> 00:19:24,662
Sorry.

334
00:19:24,704 --> 00:19:29,095
The police think I'm lying
about that swan committing suicide.

335
00:19:29,144 --> 00:19:33,422
They think I killed it.
I was wondering if you'd be my witness.

336
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:36,262
- No.
- But I'm gonna be publicly humiliated.

337
00:19:36,304 --> 00:19:39,182
You can still be put in the stocks for it.

338
00:19:39,224 --> 00:19:41,021
- No!
- Yeah.

339
00:19:41,064 --> 00:19:42,463
- When?
- Saturday.

340
00:19:42,504 --> 00:19:45,382
- Do you need tickets?
- Dunno.

341
00:19:45,424 --> 00:19:48,177
Carol, Geri,
what are you doing Saturday?

342
00:19:48,224 --> 00:19:50,294
You're not gonna help, are you?

343
00:19:53,344 --> 00:19:57,223
- Did you kill that swan?
- No! I wouldn't go near one.

344
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:59,061
They're terrifying.

345
00:19:59,104 --> 00:20:02,221
You should've seen
the mess the other one made of Jill.

346
00:20:02,264 --> 00:20:04,414
She had a web mark on her forehead.

347
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:08,252
If I hadn't belted it
with a frying pan she'd be dead now.

348
00:20:08,304 --> 00:20:10,693
What happened to that one?

349
00:20:10,744 --> 00:20:13,702
I killed it. Vicious bastard.

350
00:20:16,584 --> 00:20:19,894
All right? I'm Grant, I live next door.

351
00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:22,094
(Softly) Hello, I'm Sam.

352
00:20:22,144 --> 00:20:25,932
- You've just moved in?
- Yeah, at the weekend.

353
00:20:25,984 --> 00:20:28,703
- Settling in OK?
- Yes, thanks.

354
00:20:28,744 --> 00:20:30,860
There's a lot of decorating to do.

355
00:20:30,904 --> 00:20:34,613
- You'll be doing that yourself?
- Yeah, I love it.

356
00:20:34,664 --> 00:20:36,734
Hmm.

357
00:20:36,784 --> 00:20:39,093
Er, do you work local, do you?

358
00:20:39,144 --> 00:20:41,419
Mm, at the town hall.

359
00:20:41,464 --> 00:20:44,183
They've got good
sports facilities, haven't they?

360
00:20:44,224 --> 00:20:47,614
- Do they?
- Brilliant football team. Do you play football?.

361
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,780
- No.
- Right.

362
00:20:49,824 --> 00:20:53,897
Um, look, I know this might seem
a bit awkward but, um...

363
00:20:53,944 --> 00:20:59,416
since you moved in, me and my missus
we was sort of wondering, um...

364
00:20:59,464 --> 00:21:01,773
Are you a girl or a bloke?

365
00:21:03,224 --> 00:21:05,533
That is so rude.

366
00:21:05,584 --> 00:21:07,540
I didn't mean to offend you!

367
00:21:07,584 --> 00:21:10,542
No, because we're new neighbours
I was wondering

368
00:21:10,584 --> 00:21:13,018
if we fall out whether I could punch you or not.

369
00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:15,020
No.

370
00:21:15,064 --> 00:21:16,258
Right.

371
00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:26,575
What sort of hinges d'you use?

372
00:21:26,624 --> 00:21:29,218
Don't use hinges, use hazelwood pegs.

373
00:21:29,264 --> 00:21:31,300
Oh, lovely job, mate.

374
00:21:31,344 --> 00:21:33,812
Oh, thanks.

375
00:21:33,864 --> 00:21:37,698
It's traditional.
Goes back to olde worlde times.

376
00:21:37,744 --> 00:21:40,212
We use all olde worlde tools.

377
00:21:40,264 --> 00:21:43,301
Apart from the drill. And the van.

378
00:21:43,344 --> 00:21:46,939
Oh, God, it's just like
being up on a stage here.

379
00:21:46,984 --> 00:21:48,861
You are.

380
00:21:48,904 --> 00:21:50,895
That's what this is.

381
00:21:50,944 --> 00:21:57,258
This is the perfect marriage...
of justice and entertainment.

382
00:21:59,384 --> 00:22:01,375
Way ahead of its time.

383
00:22:01,424 --> 00:22:04,302
Don't suppose you get
to make 'em much these days.

384
00:22:04,344 --> 00:22:06,778
Oh, yeah, very busy. Mainly export.

385
00:22:07,944 --> 00:22:09,935
You can, er...

386
00:22:09,984 --> 00:22:12,020
have a go if you want.

387
00:22:12,064 --> 00:22:14,453
Oh, brilliant! Cheers!

388
00:22:14,504 --> 00:22:16,256
Go on.

389
00:22:20,824 --> 00:22:23,861
Can you let me out, please,
I wanna go toilet.

390
00:22:23,904 --> 00:22:25,701
Thanks.

391
00:22:28,744 --> 00:22:32,293
- (Hammering)
- Make sure there's no splinters in that!

392
00:22:33,344 --> 00:22:35,904
- You bastard!
- (Phone )

393
00:22:37,224 --> 00:22:39,374
It's terrible what's going on

394
00:22:39,424 --> 00:22:43,258
and I just want you to know
that some of us are appalled.

395
00:22:43,304 --> 00:22:48,219
I've made a banner and I'm going to protest
throughout the whole ordeal.

396
00:22:48,264 --> 00:22:49,856
Um, thanks.

397
00:22:49,904 --> 00:22:52,702
- Is there anything else I can do for you?
- No.

398
00:22:52,744 --> 00:22:56,180
- I can sit with you, if you like.
- No, no...

399
00:22:56,224 --> 00:22:58,260
Do...do I know you?

400
00:22:58,304 --> 00:23:02,582
You're a fellow human being
and all suffering affects me.

401
00:23:02,624 --> 00:23:05,502
Hm. What, like,
people you've never met?

402
00:23:05,544 --> 00:23:07,057
Yes.

403
00:23:07,104 --> 00:23:09,334
Are you telepathic or something?

404
00:23:09,384 --> 00:23:10,976
No.

405
00:23:11,024 --> 00:23:13,902
I mean, do you get happy
when they're happy

406
00:23:13,944 --> 00:23:17,095
or is it like
a sort of one-way misery thing?

407
00:23:17,144 --> 00:23:19,339
I'm only trying to help.

408
00:23:19,384 --> 00:23:22,740
Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry.
I'm just a bit stressed.

409
00:23:22,784 --> 00:23:25,378
Actually, there is something you can do.

410
00:23:25,424 --> 00:23:26,823
What?

411
00:23:26,864 --> 00:23:29,617
Get your roots done,
you look like a badger!

412
00:23:30,704 --> 00:23:32,899
(Banging and gasping)

413
00:23:33,944 --> 00:23:37,539
(Man ) Where did you learn
to do that? (Laughs )

414
00:23:37,584 --> 00:23:39,654
Takes his time, doesn't he?

415
00:23:42,744 --> 00:23:47,056
No, no, you don't understand.
I'm gonna be in the stocks.

416
00:23:47,104 --> 00:23:49,618
Yeah, like in olden times.

417
00:23:49,664 --> 00:23:52,258
Er, about half an hour.

418
00:23:54,024 --> 00:23:58,256
That's strange, there's...
there's no one down there.

419
00:23:59,304 --> 00:24:02,023
Of course! They're boycotting it!

420
00:24:02,064 --> 00:24:08,014
That's the one thing I'd forgotten about,
the basic human decency of ordinary people.

421
00:24:08,064 --> 00:24:10,259
Yeah, I feel much better. Thanks.

422
00:24:10,304 --> 00:24:12,898
And if you can't remember
a simple set of numbers

423
00:24:12,944 --> 00:24:15,060
get someone else to dial!

424
00:24:15,104 --> 00:24:18,414
I should've realised,
this is the 21st century.

425
00:24:18,464 --> 00:24:22,616
People simply won't tolerate
this kind of public savagery.

426
00:24:22,664 --> 00:24:26,816
It's good to know that the human heart
beats loudest when faced with injustice.

427
00:24:27,864 --> 00:24:30,219
That's what separates us from the chimps.

428
00:24:31,264 --> 00:24:32,982
(Crowd cheering)

429
00:24:34,984 --> 00:24:37,452
Ohh, no, no, all right, all right...

430
00:24:37,504 --> 00:24:40,621
everybody drink up,
it starts in half an hour.

431
00:24:40,664 --> 00:24:43,815
- Let's get him!
- (All cheering)

432
00:24:46,384 --> 00:24:48,261
Dear...

433
00:24:50,464 --> 00:24:52,534
Wayne Sleep.

434
00:24:53,584 --> 00:24:57,577
Haven't seen you dancing for a while.

435
00:24:57,624 --> 00:24:59,615
Lost your pumps?

436
00:25:02,504 --> 00:25:04,540
- You havin' a go?
- No.

437
00:25:04,584 --> 00:25:06,575
What's the matter?

438
00:25:06,624 --> 00:25:09,343
Well, I'm gonna
have stuff thrown at me.

439
00:25:09,384 --> 00:25:12,023
I don't like
having stuff thrown at me.

440
00:25:12,064 --> 00:25:15,693
My mum said the amount of stuff
that gets thrown at you

441
00:25:15,744 --> 00:25:18,497
is a good way of telling
how popular you are.

442
00:25:18,544 --> 00:25:20,899
- Hm?
- Lots of stuff - bad.

443
00:25:22,264 --> 00:25:24,732
That means I've got nothing to worry about!

444
00:25:24,784 --> 00:25:27,776
- Why's that?
- People like me round here.

445
00:25:27,824 --> 00:25:30,941
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm quite popular.

446
00:25:31,984 --> 00:25:33,975
I don't think you are.

447
00:25:34,024 --> 00:25:37,699
I'm not saying they love me
but there's a warmth.

448
00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:41,259
- No, there isn't.
- Why are you saying that?

449
00:25:41,304 --> 00:25:44,899
You wanna take a look out there.
It is buzzing!

450
00:25:44,944 --> 00:25:47,299
There's a real party atmosphere.

451
00:25:47,344 --> 00:25:51,974
Fat ladies dancing with coppers,
they're serving gypsies in the pub.

452
00:25:52,024 --> 00:25:54,822
It's like they're livin' la vida loca.

453
00:25:54,864 --> 00:25:57,378
- You're not going, are you?
- Yeah!

454
00:25:57,424 --> 00:26:00,382
I was in a bit of a quandary
so I phoned my mum,

455
00:26:00,424 --> 00:26:04,258
and she said, ''Son,
this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

456
00:26:04,304 --> 00:26:07,501
''You missed the eclipse,
your TB vaccinations

457
00:26:07,544 --> 00:26:09,739
''and your nan's first cappuccino.

458
00:26:09,784 --> 00:26:12,173
''Now go out there, enjoy yourself

459
00:26:12,224 --> 00:26:14,215
''and be like the others!''

460
00:26:15,504 --> 00:26:18,496
- If you throw one thing at me...
- What?

461
00:26:18,544 --> 00:26:22,537
I dunno, I'm a bit stressed,
but there'll be consequences.

462
00:26:23,784 --> 00:26:26,378
- I'm watching you.
- (Phone )

463
00:26:28,464 --> 00:26:33,094
Very exciting scenes here
as the prisoner mounts the platform.

464
00:26:33,144 --> 00:26:35,180
He looks frightened as a rabbit,

465
00:26:35,224 --> 00:26:38,694
in ironic contrast
to the graceful, serene creature

466
00:26:38,744 --> 00:26:41,099
whose life he so carelessly ended.

467
00:26:41,144 --> 00:26:44,534
- (Crowd booing)
- (Man ) Swan killer!

468
00:26:44,584 --> 00:26:49,977
And we're lucky to have a celebrity guest
to start the punishment.

469
00:26:50,024 --> 00:26:53,903
International star of world darts,
Bobby George!

470
00:26:53,944 --> 00:26:55,935
- (Cheering)
- Missed!

471
00:26:59,024 --> 00:27:00,855
Ha ha!

472
00:27:00,904 --> 00:27:02,542
Bastard!

473
00:27:02,584 --> 00:27:04,700
Ow!

474
00:27:04,744 --> 00:27:06,541
Bastard!

475
00:27:09,184 --> 00:27:11,937
It's only a swan!

476
00:27:11,984 --> 00:27:13,975
- (Errol yelling)
- You bastard!

477
00:27:14,024 --> 00:27:17,016
(Crowd cheering and yelling)

478
00:27:21,264 --> 00:27:23,141
Bastard!

479
00:27:24,464 --> 00:27:25,579
Ow!

480
00:27:35,464 --> 00:27:38,137
So, where you been then, Vince?

481
00:27:38,184 --> 00:27:40,982
- Cinema?
- No.

482
00:27:42,024 --> 00:27:44,015
Funfair?

483
00:27:45,704 --> 00:27:47,501
Royal tournament?

484
00:27:47,544 --> 00:27:49,455
(Sighs ) No.

485
00:27:49,504 --> 00:27:51,574
Course, wrong time of year.

486
00:27:52,784 --> 00:27:55,856
Delivering pizzas in a safari park?

487
00:27:55,904 --> 00:27:58,896
- No.
- Oh.

488
00:27:58,944 --> 00:28:00,935
Let me think.

489
00:28:00,984 --> 00:28:03,657
White suit covered in tomatoes...

490
00:28:06,544 --> 00:28:08,341
Amsterdam!

491
00:28:10,784 --> 00:28:15,175
- (Errol) Sorry about before.
- It's fine. Don't worry about it.

492
00:28:15,224 --> 00:28:17,579
(Errol) Got a bit carried away.

493
00:28:18,624 --> 00:28:20,421
Forget about it.

494
00:28:20,464 --> 00:28:24,776
(Errol) So, um,
what were the consequences?

495
00:28:24,824 --> 00:28:27,133
Nothing much.

496
00:28:32,744 --> 00:28:37,374
It's aversion therapy. One day you'll pluck up
courage to go out on that balcony

497
00:28:37,424 --> 00:28:40,416
and your reward -
a lovely pair of trainers.

497
00:28:41,305 --> 00:28:47,179
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