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One!
Excuse...excuse me.
- What do you want? - 15, please.
(Doors close)
(Clears throat)
(Coughs and clears throat)
What's your problem?
Nothing, nothing.
- Are you having a go? - No, I've got a cough. (Coughs)
- That weren't a proper cough. - No, it was.
It was... (Coughs)
See? I've got a cough.
Yeah. Didn't sound like a cough to me.
Two!
I know, I've got a cough, you know?
Look, why don't you just say what you want to say?
- I don't want to say anything. - (Laughter)
He's scared, man, he's scared.
- (Door closes) - Yeah, you came that close!
Oh! Cobwebs, in here, spiders in the building.
Eurgh!
(Panting) All right?
Nah. (Clears throat) Got a bit of a cough.
(Coughs)
Doesn't sound too bad.
- Piss off. - Three!
You're supposed to use both arms, idiot.
Don't want to.
Then you'll have one big arm, one Little arm.
Yeah. Yeah. I want to build this one up...
and keep this one normal.
Oh, don't do that.
That's freaky - one big arm, one Little arm.
No, this one is really for strong jobs, like hammering,
and this one for delicate things,
like stroking cats, or icing cakes.
Mm.
Have you been in the lifts?
- Yeah. - Bit smoky, wasn't it?
Mm, very smoky.
- You're stoned, Errol - Eh?
About half an hour you realise, it's not a great idea.
If I'm stoned, you must be stoned.
So you won't be seeing it my way, you'll be seeing it your way.
I've got one big arm, you don't like it, it's a bit weird...
but it's not.
- You're off your tits. - Mm-hm.
So are you.
No.
No, cos when I was younger, I used to smoke a Lot.
In those days, "a lot" meant, like, "a lot".
Not like these days, you know, you hear people say they've had a Lot,
and you Look at it, and you go...
"That's not a Lot, that's not a lot".
If you compared what they call a lot to what we call a lot now...
(Scoffs)
Yeah... Yeah... Yeah...
Like, our Lot, what we used to call a Lot, right,
you could put it on a plate, you got it all out,
out of your bag, and you'd put it on a plate,
it would cover, it would completely cover the plate,
it'd be heaped up, like that,
whereas those kids, they said, you say, "Well, what's a lot then?"
You got it out, they put it on a... It'd be on a saucer,
and it would be...little...
- I think I am a bit, actually. - Mm.
You're off your tits.
(Rings)
(Chair scrapes noisily on kitchen floor)
(Scraping continues)
(Toilet flushing)
(Ringing continues)
(Chair scrapes)
(Zimmer frame creaks)
(Chair scrapes noisily)
(Ringing continues)
Why do they have to smoke it in the lift?
Cos of the pigeons.
One...two...
What?
You know the old lady upstairs that feeds the pigeons?
- No. - Yeah, you told me about her.
It was a guess. If you've got a lot of pigeons, somewhere along the Line,
an old lady'll be involved.
Well, you know the lads, they just normally smoke by the bins,
but they keep getting covered in pigeon poo, so...
you know, they smoke in the lifts now.
- They got hoods, haven't they? - Yeah, they have, they definitely have.
Cos I was chatting to 'em.
Nice Lads.
- How much do you think this mug's worth? - 39 pence.
Yeah?
Bought it in the car-boot sale.
39 pence...
- Mm. - And that's all profit.
No Labour, no production, advertising.
39p, straight in your pocket. And would you pay 70?
Oh yeah, yeah, I like it.
(Rings)
(Ringing continues)
How much do you think I'd get for this?
- 20p? - (Tuts)
You'd get a quid, easy! I mean, that, that's metal.
Mm.
I mean, this Lot, probably worth 15,16 quid.
That's your pitch paid for. The rest is profit.
- You're really gonna do this car-boot sale, eh? - Yeah.
Oh! What happens when the, er, "Oooooooh" wears off?
That wore off ages ago.
This is a brilliant idea.
Not like your idea. One big arm, one Little arm.
Idiot.
Ooh!
I'll have this!
(Vince) Tenner.
- How much do you think we'd get for this lot? - You can't sell them.
They belong to the brothers.
- So? - Well, they're a bit...nutty.
(# Banjo music)
Yes!
Mam!
- Can I have a Ribena? - Yeah, me too.
- You selling this stuff? - No, I'm chucking that out.
A few old letters, a few of my drawings.
Why couldn't you sell 'em?
Well, I mean, would you buy a picture of Bugs Bunny with an erection?
Mm... No.
Oh! I'm sick of this.
Oh! I'm phoning the council.
Don't, she isn't doing any harm.
I'm sick of pigeon... Oh!
- Look at it. - Don't. Maybe we could make friends with her.
- Or Liaise. - She won't like us. We're not pigeons.
You're such a coward.
Not complaining about the lads in the lifts or the ping-pong balls,
but a Little old lady who feeds pigeons?
I'm phoning the council. They're not gonna do anything about it, nothing's gonna happen,
it'll just make me feel better.
OK.
Oh, hello, do you have like a "nutty neighbours" department?
Yeah, for ones that are really "Urrh!"
Yeah, I'll hold.
(# Banjo music)
Mum, where's that Ribena?
Are we playing? No!
Where you going?
Go on... Where you...?
Jesus Christ, it's started. Hang on.
I'll get a tape.
(# Porn music on TV)
(Woman moaning softly)
Jesus Christ... I hate this pile of shit.
Can't get the wrapper off.
Just."
There we are, lovely.
(Moaning continues)
Oh, Jesus wept! The nail's come out the wall.
You can take that kimono off if you're a bit too hot.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
Get off, move off the sofa.
Off sofa, Su Lu, the... the...
Hold on a minute. Hold on.
Hold on.
Why don't you just get up there?
Here we are.
There we go... Jesus...
"wept!
Leave it.
Jesus Christ, it's melded into the plastic!
Ah! Lovely!
Cor!
(Moaning on TV becomes more frantic)
Hello.
- What did you get that for? - I've always wanted one of these.
Ever since I was at school.
Mr Paisley wouldn't let me use it.
He used to say, "Errol, it'll be a cold day in hell before I let you near my windows".
We haven't got those sort of windows.
Don't care.
Yes! That'll clear the stink bomb.
- How much? - Two pounds.
- Two pounds? Amazing, isn't it? - Yeah.
- You know that staple gun? In the cupboard? - What?
- I never realised, worth 4O pence. - Oooh! 40p.
- Get us a tea, will you? - Tea's 50.
Don't worry about it.
I recognise that one. And this one.
You live beneath us, don't you?
- Dunno. Do I? - Yeah, you do.
Yeah, we've seen you. And you.
- Where did you get all these balls from then? - Did you find them on your balcony?
No.
- They know you nicked them. - Shut up!
- You gonna stand there all. day? - They're our balls.
You're not the only people who play table tennis, you know.
We play a lot of table tennis.
Don't Look like people who play table tennis.
Well, some people don't make it so obvious.
I mean, he is brilliant. Aren't you?
Yeah, I'm all right.
He'd thrash you two.
- (Scoffs) - What bat do you use then?
Erm... It's a red one.
Stiga? Chester Barnes?
- Butterfly? - Smooth or pimpled?
It's a red one. It's just... It's just a red bat.
I got it for Christmas the year our Barn; ate all the toothpaste and was sick on the stairs.
- Katish had finished with... - Yeah.
Don't worry about that, he's very good.
- Are you any good? - Yeah.
Until I was 12, I just played with me hands.
- All right, we'll play you for them. - What, so I win, I get to keep my own balls?
- What's in it for me? - Well, if you win, you get to beat us.
(Laughter)
Nah.
All right, I'll give you a tenner.
Yeah, and I'll give you a tenner.
Why are you so keen to play us?
- We just wanna play somebody else. - Look, we just want to play someone else.
- How much is your ﬂask? - With or without lunch?
- Oh, sorry, I thought It was for sale. - No, It's for sale. 2.50.
- OK. - I'll. just knock this back.
Ooh!
@GEGDU
- ls It very hot? - Yeah.
(Gasping)
I feel bad, making you rush your Lunch.
It's fine.
Ooh!
- I'll come back later - You won't come back. Nearly finished.
Oh, dear!
(Glam Oh!
Oh, well.
(Gasps) Hold on.
- Are you all right? - Oh!
Ooh!
Oh: Sony.
- Errol, can you Look after the stall? - Yeah.
I've got to go home for a bit.
(Laughter)
- What's going on? - Just clearing out this old dear's ﬂat.
You should see the state of the place, pigeon shit everywhere.
- Where's she gone? - Dunno, mate.
Were you friends?
Not really friends, she was a bit cliquey.
Only, we got this bag of stuff here. I was gonna chuck it out.
- What's in it? - No idea, mate.
The usual Nana crap.
Well, yeah, I am a bit, actually, yeah.
Just, you know, I took the day off work, I've lost a day's wages and I haven't got a new fridge.
(Woman with sexy voice) Oh, that's awful, I'm really sorry.
- Do you have a delivery number? - Yes, it's, erm...PF3647.
Let me have a quick look.
Ah, the driver broke down, he's going to be late. He should be there by three, is that OK?
Oh right, yeah, that's fine, yeah.
Look, I'm very, very sorry again, somebody should have phoned you.
- No problem. Thanks. - Thank you.
- Bye. - Bye.
You can't sell her things.
They were going in the bin.
I mean, I didn't think they'd chuck her out.
What did you think they were gonna do?
I thought they'd write her name on a piece of paper,
put a coffee cup on top of it, get pregnant,
take two years off work and send her a Letter in Urdu about recycling.
- Don't Look at me like that. - Don't you feel ashamed?
Little bit.
Obviously, you know, she didn't need any of this stuff.
What, she didn't need this? What, she didn't need this?
Oh, and she definitely doesn't need this.
It's still wet.
Probably condensation.
No...tears.
Eurgh!
(Vince) Just because she feeds pigeons, doesn't mean she'll be at Trafalgar Square.
That's like saying if you like women,
you spend all your time in Stringfellows.
- Right. - Know what I mean? It's pointless.
What do you think? Where would a one-eyed old woman who feeds pigeons hang out?
I've checked the beer garden. No sign of her.
- Worth a tn; - Come on.
Well, no, it's hopeless, isn't it?
We don't even know what she looks like.
She's got one eye, she feeds pigeons, and she's homeless.
(Vince) Just because she's got one eye, doesn't mean she'd be in the London Eye.
(Errol) No, it attracts a lot of tourists.
Tourists eat sandwiches, sandwiches mean crumbs, crumbs mean pigeons.
- I can't see any pigeons. - Yeah...
Sorry.
(Speaking Japanese)
Do Japanese eat sandwiches?
This is a waste of time, we're wasting our time.
(Japanese woman) Could you take us, please?
OK, all right.
- Thank you! - Hello!
(Vince) I mean, you have to think, where do you get pigeons?
- (Errol) They're everywhere! - Exactly.
(Errol) So you think we should Look everywhere?
(Vince) No, I think we should give up. We've got a table tennis match in an hour.
(Errol) If we don't find her, I'm not playing.
What are you doing? I'll do it, I'll do it...
(Inserts coin)
Right.
Yeah, trying to find an old lady, she used to live at Elderberry House.
Fed pigeons. The council threw her out.
- A few people complained. - We get a lot of this.
Old ladies feeding pigeons who upset the neighbours.
So we herd them all together in what we call a pigeon feeders' refuge.
- Right. - Basically, it's a big house,
full of old ladies covered in pigeons, it's on Grange Road.
- What number? - It's covered in pigeons.
(Pigeons cooing)
Come on!
That is disgusting!
Oh!
Oh, hello, we're looking for Mrs Brookes. She was moved here by the council.
- Are you going to take her away? - Why?
Well, I mean, we all like feeding pigeons, but she's ridiculous.
She's upsetting the other girls, feeding their pigeons as well.
- (Slowly) Is she in? - Yes, top of the stairs.
- You'll know which room it is. - And Errol, just drop the bag and we'll go.
- How old are you? - 75.
- When did your husband die? - 1998.
- Grandchildren? - Seven.
What was the most difficult thing to find during the war?
Bananas.
Right, that's the small talk done.
Errol! Come on!
(# Old-time music playing through door)
(Crunching sound)
- OK, coming. - More crumbs.
Yeah.
- More! - Yeah.
Oh! What are you doing?
She's running out of crumbs.
- More crumbs! - OK, OK.
- What about that lot? - They're rejects, she said they're no good.
More! More!
Come on, Let's go.
Oh! What is it with you and feeding pigeons?
Well, what else you gonna do with all these crumbs?
- You could stop making 'em. - Oh. no.
Last time I ran out of crumbs, this happened.
(Both) Eurgh!
Are you enjoying that?
You stoned yet?
- Stoned? - No.
Give him another one.
- I feel sick! - Shut up and smoke!
- Smoke it, what's wrong with you? - I will.
Eh, not your turn.
Anyone got a roach?
What's going on?
New drugs policy - give them as much as they can take
and they'll never go near the stuff again.
Like when your dad catches you smoking and makes you smoke loads of fags.
No, it's nothing like that, this is cannabis.
Shut up and roll, you.
Mr Blunkett thought it up on holiday.
All right, lads?
(All) Errol!
Yeah, mash up!
I can't take it no more.
Are you not real coppers?
- (All laugh) - Shut up.
Shut up! Shut up, I said!
- (Squealing Laughter) - Shut up and smoke! Shut up!
Shut up!
(# Loud punk music)
Happy birthday!
(Laughter)
(# Banjo music)
That was yours, you were supposed to get that.
Oh!
Come on!
W SEW
(Whistling)
(Panting with Laughter)
Ready?
- Lovely! - Thanks.
(Both) Ooh! Boom! Ooh!
Ooh! Aah!
Ooh!
Mum, you got a plaster?
- Match point! Come on! - Yes! Come on!
Focus.
- (Music stops) - (Woman) Dinner's ready!
- Thought you said you were good at this. - I am, you just keep getting in me way.
- Think you can beat them on your own? - Yeah.
All right.
(# The Damned." So Messed Up)
(Shouting)
I've injured my hand, you'll have to play them on your own.
Is that all right?
- Fair enough. - Your funeral.
(Tittering)
- You ready? - Yeah.
- What did you have for dinner? - Toad-in-the-hole.
No chance.
- Oh yes! - Come on!
It's your return, it's your return.
(Grunting)
Come on!
What's that? What you doing?
(Chortles)
What was that?
You're rubbish!
Alan...you're in my way.
- Oh! Ow! Ow! - You all right?
- (Chuckles) - Show me, show me, show me.
Show us.
- Come on, concentrate! - Let's go. Come on.
Match point.
(Woman) Pudding!
(Both) Yes!
- All right. - Yeah.
- You only won a game, that's all. - Yeah. Winner!
Errol Errol
I thought you'd cleaned these windows.
(Errol) I did.
Could've eaten me dinner off 'em...
if it were ﬂat and not like they are.
Has she moved back in?
No, the lads in the lifts are squatting in her ﬂat.
I was just chatting to them earlier.
- What, and they've started feeding pigeons? - Yeah.
But only when the police van's parked outside.
Errol Where's the phone?
(# Old-time music through door)
(# Method Man." Even If)
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