1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Store your movies and series on HELIOS4 Open Source NAS - Visit us on KOBOL.IO 2 00:00:20,620 --> 00:00:22,270 Hey! 3 00:00:22,300 --> 00:00:23,711 Yes! 4 00:00:23,740 --> 00:00:27,461 I'm on holiday! Come on! Right. 5 00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:33,988 Errol 6 00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:42,102 OK, I'm off now, so remember, 7 00:00:42,140 --> 00:00:43,710 don't sit in my chair, 8 00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:45,310 don't water the plant, 9 00:00:45,340 --> 00:00:48,310 no chicken or poultry in the flat. 10 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:53,062 You phone this number every day and say 'your driving ls not satisfactory,' 11 00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:56,582 and don't go in my room, you'll get a nasty surprise. 12 00:00:57,940 --> 00:00:59,908 And I borrowed your inhaler. 13 00:00:59,940 --> 00:01:01,704 Because I might be going up the mountains. 14 00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:03,310 I might need that. 15 00:01:03,340 --> 00:01:07,584 Can you just pull... I'm on holiday. I need to go. Can you pull... 16 00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:09,551 See you next week! 17 00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:11,988 I wanna book a flight. 18 00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,308 You want accommodation as well? 19 00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:17,911 No, I'll make friends when I get there. 20 00:01:17,940 --> 00:01:19,908 Where do you want to go? 21 00:01:19,940 --> 00:01:23,501 Two hours check-in, hour to get to the airport, how Long will this take? 22 00:01:23,540 --> 00:01:25,508 Half an hour. 23 00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:28,510 OK, anywhere that takes off at half one and cost 5O quid. 24 00:01:33,340 --> 00:01:36,264 There is a flight to Malaga at ten to two. 25 00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:40,385 You got anything nearer half one? Lost two days waiting for my passport. 26 00:01:43,340 --> 00:01:45,502 Helsinki at 1:35. 27 00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:47,622 That'll be cold, wouldn't it? 28 00:01:47,660 --> 00:01:49,105 Yeah. 29 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:51,222 Would you Look after some stuff for me? 30 00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:17,709 I've already explained you won't be able to go on the 1:35. 31 00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:19,310 It's fully booked. 32 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,911 You can go on the 3:35. 33 00:02:21,940 --> 00:02:24,307 Yeah I know, but why? 34 00:02:24,340 --> 00:02:26,069 Because... 35 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:29,070 (Speaks Finnish) 36 00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:30,511 We've oversold the flight. 37 00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:33,111 You will have to go on the next one. 38 00:02:33,140 --> 00:02:36,701 But I've got a ticket for the 1:35. I want to go on that one. 39 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:40,870 We always sell too many tickets because often people don't turn up. 40 00:02:40,900 --> 00:02:43,585 But they do turn up. I'm here. 41 00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:45,509 We're all here, aren't we? 42 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,502 When was the last time people didn't turn up? 43 00:02:49,540 --> 00:02:51,508 - Yesterday. - I couldn't come yesterday. 44 00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:53,508 (Speaks Finnish) 45 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:56,510 Do you want me to book you on the 3:35? 46 00:02:56,540 --> 00:02:59,146 No, I want to go on the 1:35. 47 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:01,023 That flight is full. 48 00:03:01,060 --> 00:03:04,507 So, this ticket I've got to go on the 1:35, that's worthless. 49 00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:07,111 Doesn't mean anything, might as well tear it up. 50 00:03:07,140 --> 00:03:09,268 It's no use to anybody. 51 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:12,270 No, it's not worthless. You can go on the next flight. 52 00:03:13,740 --> 00:03:15,265 All right, I'll go on that one then. 53 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:19,305 You can't. This is not valid. You've ripped it up. 54 00:03:19,340 --> 00:03:22,230 But I did it on purpose to make a point. 55 00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:23,671 Didn't I? 56 00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:28,149 Are you all Finnish? 57 00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:31,902 Typical Finns, all the same, never get involved. 58 00:03:31,940 --> 00:03:33,510 I am Finnish. 59 00:03:33,540 --> 00:03:35,304 You're not typical. You can't shut up. 60 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,229 What is the matter? 61 00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:38,910 - Are you Finnish? - Yes. 62 00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:41,261 What sort, silent or gobby? 63 00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:42,711 Somewhere between the two. 64 00:03:42,740 --> 00:03:45,903 Oh, now there's three types of Finns, Don't wanna go there now. 65 00:03:45,940 --> 00:03:49,103 Well, you won't be going anywhere on that ticket. 66 00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:51,188 But she made me do it! 67 00:03:51,220 --> 00:03:53,268 Didn't she? 68 00:03:54,740 --> 00:03:57,584 - Next please! - No, no, wait there. 69 00:03:59,140 --> 00:04:01,905 Is this a typical Finn Airways scam? 70 00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:06,184 I buy a ticket, make me tear it up in front of no witnesses? 71 00:04:06,220 --> 00:04:08,905 You'll have to buy another ticket. 72 00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:11,102 Tell you what, am I at the fair? 73 00:04:11,140 --> 00:04:13,302 Is this the fair? I mean, it looks like an airport. 74 00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,661 The way I'm getting ripped off, feels like the fair. 75 00:04:15,700 --> 00:04:17,907 In the morning, will this all be gone? 76 00:04:17,940 --> 00:04:19,863 There'll be a few hot dog wrappers blowing around, 77 00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:23,143 couple of pregnant teenagers looking for the bloke who runs the waltzers. 78 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,262 Can you come over here please, sir? 79 00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:33,909 Look, OK, I shouldn't have ripped the ticket. 80 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,307 She's winding me up. 81 00:04:36,340 --> 00:04:39,503 Maybe we get some Sellotape and put the bits back together. 82 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,861 You need a valid ticket. 83 00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:47,910 - Please. - No! 84 00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:51,231 Please! 85 00:04:52,940 --> 00:04:54,510 OK, I know what you want. 86 00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:58,101 I'll say it if makes you feel big, makes you feel important, I'll say it. 87 00:04:58,140 --> 00:05:00,108 I don't say this very often. 88 00:05:00,140 --> 00:05:01,551 Sorry. 89 00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:03,025 You need a ticket. 90 00:05:03,060 --> 00:05:04,903 All. right, I'm not sorry. 91 00:05:04,940 --> 00:05:07,102 You stick your ticket up your arse. 92 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,108 There is no need to swear. 93 00:05:09,140 --> 00:05:11,507 Oh! "There is no need to swear"! 94 00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:13,907 Well... 95 00:05:13,940 --> 00:05:15,510 I did. 96 00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:17,588 Yeah! 97 00:05:18,740 --> 00:05:21,141 Don't tear up your tickets, pass it on. 98 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:25,109 (sighs) 99 00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,301 (Strums flatly) 100 00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:38,308 - No, more like that. - (Ringing chord) 101 00:05:38,340 --> 00:05:40,149 Like that. 102 00:05:40,180 --> 00:05:42,581 (Plucks strings, out of tune) 103 00:05:43,740 --> 00:05:46,107 Yeah, there's something wrong here. 104 00:05:46,140 --> 00:05:49,030 - You're not doing this. - (Ringing chord) 105 00:05:49,060 --> 00:05:50,300 (Strums flatly) 106 00:05:50,340 --> 00:05:51,751 Like this. 107 00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:54,863 - (Ringing chord) - (Strums flatly) 108 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:56,311 But it hurts. 109 00:05:56,340 --> 00:06:02,507 Well, it should do, because once you got that, then, you know, you've got all of... 110 00:06:02,540 --> 00:06:04,110 You know what I mean, you can... 111 00:06:04,140 --> 00:06:06,711 Er, you see that? 112 00:06:06,740 --> 00:06:09,823 See that, that's years like to get to that. 113 00:06:10,540 --> 00:06:13,111 Just keep practicing, right? 114 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,950 And when you master it, you know, you'll be able to do this. 115 00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:19,826 (Plays fast rock phrases) 116 00:06:24,980 --> 00:06:27,711 They wouldn't let me go on the flight, unbelievable. 117 00:06:27,740 --> 00:06:29,504 You must have been well pissed off. 118 00:06:29,540 --> 00:06:31,702 No. I mean, I got a good story out of It. 119 00:06:31,740 --> 00:06:33,902 That's the only reason you go on holiday. 120 00:06:33,940 --> 00:06:35,863 Well, it's not much of a story, is it? 121 00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:38,062 You tore up your own ticket, it was your own fault. 122 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:41,263 - She made me do it. - No, she didn't. 123 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,064 I'll. tell. you a good story. 124 00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:44,864 I was seeing this Page 3 girl, 125 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:47,107 and her brother worked in a safari park. 126 00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,909 That's not it! 127 00:06:50,940 --> 00:06:52,510 I told you that one, didn't I? 128 00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:56,504 OK, I got it, right? 129 00:06:56,540 --> 00:06:58,907 What I want you to do is don't play your instrument. 130 00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:02,501 When I say don't play, I mean, of course, you play, it's your arm, your hand, 131 00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:05,908 but don't think of it is you, Ian, that is playing, all right? 132 00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,704 Forget Ian. Who's Ian? 133 00:07:07,740 --> 00:07:09,151 Quick, now play. 134 00:07:09,180 --> 00:07:12,184 - (Tuneless chord) - You see, that's better already. 135 00:07:12,220 --> 00:07:15,349 - (Tuneless chord) - Now, that's Ian. Ian's back. 136 00:07:16,340 --> 00:07:17,751 Look at this. 137 00:07:17,780 --> 00:07:19,589 (Fast rock phrases) 138 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:23,149 I'm not playing this. 139 00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:26,301 - What's my name? - Mr Pirbright. 140 00:07:26,340 --> 00:07:28,308 No, he's not here. 141 00:07:28,340 --> 00:07:30,308 Take a message. 142 00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:32,388 He could be gone for sometime. 143 00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:43,103 (Errol slurping) 144 00:07:45,620 --> 00:07:47,031 Mm! 145 00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:54,586 Mm! 146 00:07:56,660 --> 00:07:57,866 Mm! 147 00:07:58,540 --> 00:08:01,066 (Door opens) 148 00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,509 (Crashing) 149 00:08:15,540 --> 00:08:17,304 It works. 150 00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:19,104 Errol 151 00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:21,541 I thought you were on holiday. 152 00:08:24,340 --> 00:08:26,741 - Have you been eating chicken? - No, no, just Looking. 153 00:08:26,780 --> 00:08:29,101 - (Strums discordantly) - Ian. 154 00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:31,746 Ian! Ian! 155 00:08:31,780 --> 00:08:33,908 - (Continues, out of tune) - Ian! Ian! 156 00:08:33,940 --> 00:08:35,942 Yes! Yes! 157 00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:37,391 Yes, that's it. 158 00:08:37,420 --> 00:08:38,831 You've got it! 159 00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:40,669 Hem 160 00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:42,711 All right. 161 00:08:42,740 --> 00:08:45,107 Look, let's try something else. It's a bit advanced. 162 00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:48,303 Everything back to normal, forget that you're not Ian. 163 00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:50,308 - All right? - Yes, Mr Pirbright. 164 00:08:50,340 --> 00:08:52,069 Ask me if I wanna play guitar. 165 00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:53,511 What? 166 00:08:53,540 --> 00:08:55,383 Ask me if I wanna play guitar. 167 00:08:55,420 --> 00:08:56,831 Do you want to play the guitar? 168 00:08:56,860 --> 00:08:58,908 Yes, I do. Let's play guitar. 169 00:09:05,740 --> 00:09:08,710 So all I did was tore my own ticket up. 170 00:09:08,740 --> 00:09:10,708 And they wouldn't let me on the flight. 171 00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:12,788 What did you do? 172 00:09:13,540 --> 00:09:15,702 I gave her a right mouthful. 173 00:09:15,740 --> 00:09:17,708 I said, "Who you think you are? Hitler?" 174 00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:20,505 Bloody Hitler woman. 175 00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:22,588 Still, wouldn't let me on the flight. 176 00:09:23,540 --> 00:09:25,304 Then, this massive bloke came over. 177 00:09:25,340 --> 00:09:28,105 He was... Oh, you know, Geoff Capes? 178 00:09:28,140 --> 00:09:30,302 - Yeah. - Bigger. 179 00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:32,308 So, I went "Wooh!" 180 00:09:32,340 --> 00:09:34,388 And luckily he had the sense to back off. 181 00:09:35,540 --> 00:09:37,304 Then I came home. 182 00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:39,661 You must be furious! 183 00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:41,111 No, not really. 184 00:09:41,140 --> 00:09:42,869 Got a good story out of It. 185 00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:45,983 That's the only reason you go on holiday, isn't it? A good story. 186 00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:48,705 I'll be telling that one for a few years. 187 00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:51,311 It's not that good a story. 188 00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:54,787 Yes, it is, with the ticket and the Hitler woman and a big bloke. 189 00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:57,903 Did I mention the pigeon that got trapped in Knickerbox? 190 00:09:57,940 --> 00:10:01,228 It was flying around the changing rooms. All the women ran out in their pants. 191 00:10:01,260 --> 00:10:02,705 - Really? - No! 192 00:10:02,740 --> 00:10:04,265 But It's a better story, Isn't It? 193 00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:06,906 Er, still needs work. 194 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,624 I'll. tell. you a good story. 195 00:10:08,660 --> 00:10:11,106 My uncle when caving in Borneo, 196 00:10:11,140 --> 00:10:14,508 and he was a mile underground when an earthquake happened. 197 00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:16,588 Oh, I don't wanna know. 198 00:10:18,820 --> 00:10:20,822 (Fast rock rhythm) 199 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:27,306 Cheers, Ian. Time's up. 200 00:10:27,340 --> 00:10:29,388 See you next week. 201 00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:54,301 Errol, Listen to this. 202 00:10:54,340 --> 00:10:57,310 I've written two, you choose the best one. 203 00:10:57,340 --> 00:10:58,910 Ready? 204 00:10:58,940 --> 00:11:01,307 "'Twas a crisp clear morning, 205 00:11:01,340 --> 00:11:06,471 "as crisp as freshly laundered napkins from a very flash hotel! 206 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,706 Mm. 207 00:11:07,740 --> 00:11:11,301 "A bold adventurer embarked on his Latest journey, 208 00:11:11,340 --> 00:11:14,071 "seeking thrills and excitement. 209 00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:18,025 "His only care was to find new..." 210 00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:20,108 This is rubbish. 211 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:23,301 I'll do the other one, it's much better. 212 00:11:23,340 --> 00:11:25,388 OK. 213 00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:29,110 "I hailed a cab from a one-eyed Moroccan. 214 00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:32,110 "He had a hard luck story for every mile of the road, 215 00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:33,710 "but I wasn't Listening. 216 00:11:33,740 --> 00:11:36,710 "My mind was full of Finnish heartache, 217 00:11:36,740 --> 00:11:38,788 "and unfinished business. 218 00:11:41,140 --> 00:11:43,666 "He took the wrong turn off at the Hogarth Roundabout. 219 00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:45,111 "We ended up in Feltham, 220 00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:49,748 "had to ask directions at the bus garage and then we got lost again." 221 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:53,468 I can't write this. It's rubbish! 222 00:11:54,740 --> 00:11:57,550 You shouldn't write it, you should make it up how you tell it. 223 00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:04,022 What, I tried to go Finland, and this moody bird wouldn't let me on the plane. 224 00:12:04,060 --> 00:12:08,110 Mm... Need some more details like when my uncle was trapped, 225 00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:10,950 he put pepper on his laces to make them taste better. 226 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,863 Oh, thanks, that's a great story. 227 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,028 I tried to go to Finland but this Hitler woman, 228 00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:17,471 she made me eat my own Laces. 229 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:20,902 No. Real details like, what did she look like? 230 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:24,505 Quite nice... A bit... 231 00:12:24,540 --> 00:12:26,508 Quite nice. 232 00:12:26,540 --> 00:12:28,588 Maybe she was a bit different. 233 00:12:30,340 --> 00:12:32,388 Ah, right, yeah. 234 00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,148 What, really tall? 235 00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:37,549 (Speaks Finnish) 236 00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:41,741 That flight is full. 237 00:12:43,140 --> 00:12:45,541 Or really short. 238 00:12:45,580 --> 00:12:49,266 Hello! Hello! Coo-eel 239 00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:52,429 No, she's really tall, with a twitch. 240 00:12:52,460 --> 00:12:54,064 Yeah. 241 00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:56,910 Can I have your tickets and passport, please? 242 00:12:59,140 --> 00:13:01,302 And she is wearing... 243 00:13:01,340 --> 00:13:03,388 Finnish national costume. 244 00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:06,383 - Yeah, what is that? - Don't know. 245 00:13:07,460 --> 00:13:09,508 I'm Finnish. 246 00:13:13,540 --> 00:13:15,110 You can't. 247 00:13:15,140 --> 00:13:17,347 It's not valid. You've ripped it up. 248 00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:21,111 No, we just keep her in the blue uniform. 249 00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:23,063 If you make it too weird, people get suspicious. 250 00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:24,704 Hmm. 251 00:13:24,740 --> 00:13:27,471 What about the people in the queue? 252 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,548 What did they Look like? 253 00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:32,348 Normal, really. Pretty normal. 254 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,548 Urn... You could just... 255 00:13:37,140 --> 00:13:39,188 Oh, that, yeah. 256 00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:43,350 You can't. It's not valid. You've ripped it up. 257 00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:47,102 I did it on purpose to make a point. 258 00:13:47,140 --> 00:13:48,551 Didn't I? 259 00:13:58,540 --> 00:14:02,704 (Vince) Nani That's just too stupid. it's getting like a Marilyn Manson video. 260 00:14:03,340 --> 00:14:06,105 No, I tell you she's not tall. She hasn't got a twitch. 261 00:14:06,140 --> 00:14:09,542 She's not in a funny uniform. Everyone is just normal. 262 00:14:10,740 --> 00:14:14,347 That's the way to do it, keep it normal. 263 00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:58,510 I think this ls It. 264 00:14:58,540 --> 00:15:00,110 I think I got it. 265 00:15:00,140 --> 00:15:02,507 So, I'm about to check in. 266 00:15:02,540 --> 00:15:07,023 I see this maximum-security prisoner being escorted through the terminal. 267 00:15:07,060 --> 00:15:10,621 By chance, / caught his eye, and he looked straight back at me, so, / said... 268 00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:13,027 Going anywhere nice? 269 00:15:13,060 --> 00:15:15,506 Maybe he was scared of flying, or he'd had some bad news, 270 00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:16,951 he went ballistic. 271 00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:18,982 (Prisoner roaring) 272 00:15:21,580 --> 00:15:24,709 He started coming straight at me. I thought, "What am I gonna do? 273 00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:28,984 I couldn't run away because you're not allowed to leave your bags unattended. 274 00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:33,424 What, you forgotten your passport? 275 00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:38,348 And he was getting closer and closer. My only weapon... 276 00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:40,030 a bottle of sun cream. 277 00:15:40,060 --> 00:15:44,588 I couldn't get the top off. It was stuck and he was getting closer and closer. 278 00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:47,624 He could have killed me! Eventually, I managed to flip it over 279 00:15:47,660 --> 00:15:51,710 but luckily the two other policemen grabbed him, wrestled him into the ground. 280 00:15:51,740 --> 00:15:55,301 Maybe, I was just, it was adrenaline. I don't know, I was wired. 281 00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:57,229 I just sprayed them anyway. 282 00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:10,708 And then, they let him go, 283 00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:13,346 and he just strolled over and tore my ticket up. 284 00:16:16,820 --> 00:16:18,629 What do you think? 285 00:16:21,740 --> 00:16:23,663 So they wouldn't let me on the flight. 286 00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:26,021 Well, that was your fault. 287 00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,471 I helped catch the prisoner! 288 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,707 No, you didn't. You just annoyed him. 289 00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:31,663 Yeah, I'll. tell. you a good story. 290 00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:36,103 You know that bloke what used to be in EastEnders, on the market, went a bit doolally? 291 00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:40,065 - Mark Fowler? - Yeah, he came in here once. 292 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,910 - That's not a very good story. - I haven't finished yet. 293 00:16:42,940 --> 00:16:45,910 He needed some change for the telephone. 294 00:16:45,940 --> 00:16:49,069 - It's a rubbish story. - I haven't finished. 295 00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:53,344 He only had a ã20 note note, and I only had ã3.70. 296 00:16:54,340 --> 00:16:59,870 So, he took my ã3.70 and gave me the ã20 note. 297 00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:01,311 Wow! 298 00:17:01,340 --> 00:17:03,786 And I bought 16 lottery tickets, 299 00:17:03,820 --> 00:17:06,266 and I won two million pounds. 300 00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:08,109 Really?! 301 00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:09,904 So how come you're still working here? 302 00:17:09,940 --> 00:17:11,908 I spent it, didn't I? 303 00:17:11,940 --> 00:17:14,022 Wow! 304 00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,669 (Glass smashes) 305 00:17:29,940 --> 00:17:32,511 Vince, I think I've got it. 306 00:17:32,540 --> 00:17:34,702 I've... I've got it. 307 00:17:34,740 --> 00:17:38,711 So, I get dropped off by the cab driver at the airport, 308 00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:47,660 and he's a really nice bloke, he likes everything, and the airport is amazing, it's huge. 309 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:50,783 And it's got people going allover the world. 310 00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,231 Africa. 311 00:17:52,260 --> 00:17:53,671 Australia. 312 00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:55,111 America. 313 00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:58,110 Well, yeah, it's an airport. 314 00:17:58,140 --> 00:17:59,949 Where's the stow]? 315 00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:06,261 Well, after I checked in I still had two hours to kill, so I wandered around the airport. 316 00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:07,904 I had a Look around the shops, 317 00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:09,988 the bookshop, sports shop, 318 00:18:10,020 --> 00:18:13,308 tripped in there, record shop, Boots... 319 00:18:13,340 --> 00:18:15,183 Yeah, well, it's an airport. 320 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:19,987 In all the shops, there's one that just sells cravats. 321 00:18:20,020 --> 00:18:22,068 Right. 322 00:18:23,340 --> 00:18:25,342 How are they supposed to make any money? 323 00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:28,502 But where is your stow]? 324 00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:33,706 So, I was hungry and I remembered that I had an apple In my pocket. 325 00:18:33,740 --> 00:18:36,823 I bit Into It and I bit my Inside of my mouth. 326 00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:40,024 All right. 327 00:18:40,060 --> 00:18:42,222 I was going down this escalator. 328 00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,343 This girl was pointing at me flies cos they were undone. 329 00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:49,829 Yeah, but where is the stow]? 330 00:18:52,820 --> 00:18:56,302 So I got chatting to this bloke who was going back to Spain 331 00:18:56,340 --> 00:18:59,662 cos his fried chicken shop was going out of business. 332 00:19:00,980 --> 00:19:04,382 That's crazy, isn't it, cos everyone loves chicken. 333 00:19:06,940 --> 00:19:09,307 So why didn't you go to Finland? 334 00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:11,183 Ah... Fog. 335 00:19:12,140 --> 00:19:13,904 That's rubbish. 336 00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:16,910 But you could make an effort, couldn't you? 337 00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:20,740 Ah. I mean you must have one decent holiday story. 338 00:19:24,140 --> 00:19:26,541 I've never ever, ever been on a holiday. 339 00:19:29,140 --> 00:19:30,904 That's typical of you, isn't it? 340 00:19:30,940 --> 00:19:34,103 Yeah, "Oh, I don't need to go on a holiday," my life's fantastic. 341 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:37,428 "I'm Errol, I'm special, I don't need to go anywhere." 342 00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:40,341 We couldn't afford to go on holiday. 343 00:19:44,340 --> 00:19:46,069 Why not? 344 00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:47,784 You forgot to save money? 345 00:19:48,340 --> 00:19:50,707 We tried to save. 346 00:19:50,740 --> 00:19:52,742 There wasn't any left. 347 00:19:55,540 --> 00:19:57,508 What did you spend it on? 348 00:19:57,540 --> 00:19:59,702 Piercings? Oh, yeah. 349 00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:02,664 Go to Sri Lanka or get the whole family pierced. 350 00:20:03,940 --> 00:20:08,309 No, we were too poor. Is that what you wanted me to say? 351 00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:10,388 We were poor. Happy now? 352 00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:15,144 It's not that simple. 353 00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:19,508 Money was scarce. 354 00:20:19,540 --> 00:20:22,111 There were eleven of us. 355 00:20:22,140 --> 00:20:24,188 Ten kids. 356 00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:28,544 No. With ten kids, that makes twelve of you. 357 00:20:29,740 --> 00:20:32,949 Well, unfortunately, in our case it was 11. 358 00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:36,511 Hmm... 12? 359 00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:38,941 In our case, it was 11. 360 00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:42,471 Ten kids... 361 00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:44,628 - w; 12. 362 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,071 - w; 12. 363 00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,511 - w; 12. - w; 11. 364 00:20:47,540 --> 00:20:49,508 - w; 12. - 11! 365 00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,101 All right, all right, Let's not get hung up on a number, OK? 366 00:20:53,140 --> 00:20:55,905 How many fingers am I holding up? 41, it's not important. 367 00:20:55,940 --> 00:20:58,466 Calculators in the bath, whoops. 368 00:20:58,500 --> 00:20:59,706 I get the picture, Errol 369 00:20:59,740 --> 00:21:03,984 There was too many of you to go on holiday. I'm sorry, sorry. 370 00:21:08,340 --> 00:21:11,150 So you've never had an ice cream on the back of a donkey. 371 00:21:12,340 --> 00:21:14,388 No. 372 00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:18,310 Had your photo taken with a Little monkey in a hat? 373 00:21:18,340 --> 00:21:20,308 No. 374 00:21:20,340 --> 00:21:23,150 Or go into an arcade with a big bag of change. 375 00:21:24,140 --> 00:21:27,349 I've been once, didn't like it. A man touched me bottom. 376 00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:30,911 That's a great story. 377 00:21:30,940 --> 00:21:32,510 - Is It? - Yeah. 378 00:21:32,540 --> 00:21:34,508 - Was it just one bloke? - Yeah. 379 00:21:34,540 --> 00:21:36,542 But in your world, that's four, 380 00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:38,947 and in my world, they're women! 381 00:22:10,740 --> 00:22:13,107 Excuse me. I'd like to make a complaint. 382 00:22:13,140 --> 00:22:15,268 I'm being sexually harassed in this airport. 383 00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:16,711 Where did this happen? 384 00:22:16,740 --> 00:22:20,142 Well, firstly there was a cleaner over there, then there was... 385 00:22:21,740 --> 00:22:23,504 - What are you doing? - Nothing. 386 00:22:23,540 --> 00:22:25,304 - You just touched me up. - I didn't. 387 00:22:25,340 --> 00:22:26,910 - Yes, you did. - No, I didn't. 388 00:22:26,940 --> 00:22:28,704 - I turned, you tried to touch... - No. 389 00:22:28,740 --> 00:22:31,505 - Did you touch... - No, I didn't. 390 00:22:31,540 --> 00:22:33,622 Look, I don't mind you touching me up. 391 00:22:33,660 --> 00:22:35,708 I quite like it. 392 00:22:35,740 --> 00:22:37,663 - You went to do it again. - No, I didn't. 393 00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:39,111 - You did, I saw you. - No. 394 00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:41,666 - I turned like that and you... - Look! 395 00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:44,829 So I said to her, "How would you like it if I did it to you?" 396 00:22:44,860 --> 00:22:46,271 Yeah. 397 00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:49,304 Well, it turned into a situation where you touch a policewoman's arse 398 00:22:49,340 --> 00:22:51,104 and they won't let you on the plane. 399 00:22:51,140 --> 00:22:54,303 Yeah, well, why were they touching you? 400 00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:58,345 Well, I did really tight trousers on, made my arse look fantastic. 401 00:22:59,140 --> 00:23:01,905 - Hm... - Good story, Isn't It? 402 00:23:01,940 --> 00:23:03,704 - Are those the trousers? - Yeah. 403 00:23:03,740 --> 00:23:06,311 - Is that the arse? - Mm. 404 00:23:06,340 --> 00:23:08,104 I'll. tell. you a good story. 405 00:23:08,140 --> 00:23:09,904 My father-in-law, right, 406 00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:14,548 once he got trapped in a lift with Walt Disney and jimmy Hendrix. 407 00:23:16,220 --> 00:23:17,631 Cold! 408 00:23:18,780 --> 00:23:20,191 Cold! 409 00:23:20,220 --> 00:23:23,349 Cold! Cold! 410 00:23:23,940 --> 00:23:25,351 Antarctica. 411 00:23:25,380 --> 00:23:27,303 Warmer, getting warmer, hotter, 412 00:23:27,340 --> 00:23:30,310 hotter, much hotter, 413 00:23:30,340 --> 00:23:33,105 very hot, roasting. 414 00:23:33,140 --> 00:23:36,667 Roasting, really really roasting, boiling. 415 00:23:36,700 --> 00:23:40,591 Hotter than the surface of the sun, sizzling around the pocket area. 416 00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:42,031 Be nice. 417 00:23:42,060 --> 00:23:44,108 If just once you could give me a present, 418 00:23:44,140 --> 00:23:46,541 I didn't have to touch your knob. 419 00:23:50,340 --> 00:23:52,308 Magma; 420 00:23:52,340 --> 00:23:54,229 OK, I'm about check-in. 421 00:23:54,260 --> 00:23:58,470 And this dozy old muppet just walked straight into me. 422 00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:00,548 - Ah! - Careful. 423 00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:05,911 Is there a doctor? 424 00:24:06,540 --> 00:24:08,747 Or a nurse? 425 00:24:09,700 --> 00:24:12,067 Anyone got any medical training? 426 00:24:19,340 --> 00:24:21,502 Anyone know first aid? 427 00:24:21,540 --> 00:24:24,703 Anyone a first aider? There must be a first aider. 428 00:24:24,740 --> 00:24:26,902 - Well, I'm a lifeguard. - Oh, fantastic! 429 00:24:26,940 --> 00:24:28,988 Well, come and help us, mate. 430 00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:33,911 Oh, thanks, mate. 431 00:24:33,940 --> 00:24:37,740 - There's somebody in there, mate. - Yeah, yeah. 432 00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:44,988 (All) Ooooh! 433 00:24:47,340 --> 00:24:49,342 Ooooh! 434 00:24:49,380 --> 00:24:51,144 Ahhhh! 435 00:24:54,140 --> 00:24:56,188 (Applause) 436 00:24:58,740 --> 00:25:01,107 Do you know where the toilets are round here? 437 00:25:01,140 --> 00:25:03,188 Oh, thanks, cheers. 438 00:25:03,860 --> 00:25:07,501 The ambulance came and I think he's doing fine. 439 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:10,305 Of course I missed my flight but saved a life. 440 00:25:10,340 --> 00:25:12,502 Not really, he was obviously having an asthma attack, 441 00:25:12,540 --> 00:25:15,111 and you give him a tracheotomy. 442 00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:17,905 I'm only a lifeguard. 443 00:25:17,940 --> 00:25:19,704 And what do you know about it? 444 00:25:19,740 --> 00:25:21,310 I'm a nurse. 445 00:25:21,340 --> 00:25:23,866 Oh, well... Yeah, you could have changed his bed sheets, 446 00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:26,710 and pointed his visitors to the snack bar. 447 00:25:26,740 --> 00:25:29,903 - How many lives have you saved? - Thousands! 448 00:25:29,940 --> 00:25:31,988 - Today? - Three! 449 00:25:33,140 --> 00:25:37,111 It's quite interesting actually, because one of them was a young man and... 450 00:25:37,140 --> 00:25:40,508 came in this morning and I got him ready, you know, 451 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:43,111 took his trousers off and he had a false leg, 452 00:25:43,140 --> 00:25:45,461 but he had a real foot. 453 00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:46,911 - Really? - Yeah! 454 00:25:46,940 --> 00:25:48,908 It's extraordinary, Isn't It? 455 00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:50,749 You know what? 456 00:25:51,740 --> 00:25:53,310 Bollocks! 457 00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:56,150 - There is no need to swear. - Yes, there is. 458 00:25:57,220 --> 00:26:00,303 We've oversold the flight. You will have to go on the next one. 459 00:26:00,340 --> 00:26:02,502 Look, we have oversold the flight. 460 00:26:02,540 --> 00:26:04,508 You have to go on the next flight. 461 00:26:04,540 --> 00:26:08,226 What the fuck do you think you're doing, selling my fucking ticket? 462 00:26:08,260 --> 00:26:10,706 Really, sir, there is no need to swear. 463 00:26:10,740 --> 00:26:12,902 Yes, there is. There is a need to swear. 464 00:26:12,940 --> 00:26:17,502 Oh, very much so, in fact it's situations like this that swearing was fucking invented for. 465 00:26:17,540 --> 00:26:19,349 This is why we've got swear words. 466 00:26:19,380 --> 00:26:23,066 The word "fuck" was created for exactly moments like this. 467 00:26:23,100 --> 00:26:24,511 Listen to it. 468 00:26:24,540 --> 00:26:27,305 Fuck, I'm not going on my fucking flight. 469 00:26:27,340 --> 00:26:30,549 I won't be going to fucking Fin-fucking-land. 470 00:26:30,580 --> 00:26:33,709 I bet they don't have this problem in Japan, do they? No. 471 00:26:33,740 --> 00:26:36,710 Because over there everything works, doesn't It? 472 00:26:36,740 --> 00:26:38,947 Everyone does their job. 473 00:26:38,980 --> 00:26:41,904 You buy a ticket, you go to the airport, you get on a plane. 474 00:26:41,940 --> 00:26:44,341 Yippee! Yeah! 475 00:26:44,380 --> 00:26:46,781 I don't even know if I wanna go to fucking Finland. 476 00:26:46,820 --> 00:26:48,822 (All cheer) 477 00:26:49,700 --> 00:26:51,111 Yeah! 478 00:26:51,140 --> 00:26:54,940 (All) Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! 479 00:26:54,980 --> 00:26:58,826 Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! 480 00:26:58,860 --> 00:27:02,467 (Chanting and cheering continues) 481 00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:05,751 (Vince) I'm Lovely! 482 00:27:07,220 --> 00:27:10,190 They all tore their tickets up, lifted me on to their shoulders, 483 00:27:10,220 --> 00:27:12,029 and we charged out of the airport, 484 00:27:12,060 --> 00:27:15,507 I had to be firm with them, I said, "I'll go for a drink with you if I'm not your Leader." 485 00:27:15,540 --> 00:27:18,146 - All right. - It's a good story, isn't it? 486 00:27:18,180 --> 00:27:19,989 - Yeah. - Yeah. 487 00:27:25,580 --> 00:27:28,902 Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! 488 00:27:28,940 --> 00:27:30,988 OK, lads, thank you. 489 00:27:32,940 --> 00:27:34,271 Sony, forgot me passport. 490 00:27:35,305 --> 00:27:41,774 -= www.SubtitleDB.org =-