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Hey!
Yes!
I'm on holiday! Come on! Right.
Errol
OK, I'm off now, so remember,
don't sit in my chair,
don't water the plant,
no chicken or poultry in the ﬂat.
You phone this number every day and say 'your driving ls not satisfactory,'
and don't go in my room, you'll get a nasty surprise.
And I borrowed your inhaler.
Because I might be going up the mountains.
I might need that.
Can you just pull... I'm on holiday. I need to go. Can you pull...
See you next week!
I wanna book a flight.
You want accommodation as well?
No, I'll make friends when I get there.
Where do you want to go?
Two hours check-in, hour to get to the airport, how Long will this take?
Half an hour.
OK, anywhere that takes off at half one and cost 5O quid.
There is a flight to Malaga at ten to two.
You got anything nearer half one? Lost two days waiting for my passport.
Helsinki at 1:35.
That'll be cold, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
Would you Look after some stuff for me?
I've already explained you won't be able to go on the 1:35.
It's fully booked.
You can go on the 3:35.
Yeah I know, but why?
Because...
(Speaks Finnish)
We've oversold the flight.
You will have to go on the next one.
But I've got a ticket for the 1:35. I want to go on that one.
We always sell too many tickets because often people don't turn up.
But they do turn up. I'm here.
We're all here, aren't we?
When was the last time people didn't turn up?
- Yesterday. - I couldn't come yesterday.
(Speaks Finnish)
Do you want me to book you on the 3:35?
No, I want to go on the 1:35.
That flight is full.
So, this ticket I've got to go on the 1:35, that's worthless.
Doesn't mean anything, might as well tear it up.
It's no use to anybody.
No, it's not worthless. You can go on the next flight.
All right, I'll go on that one then.
You can't. This is not valid. You've ripped it up.
But I did it on purpose to make a point.
Didn't I?
Are you all Finnish?
Typical Finns, all the same, never get involved.
I am Finnish.
You're not typical. You can't shut up.
What is the matter?
- Are you Finnish? - Yes.
What sort, silent or gobby?
Somewhere between the two.
Oh, now there's three types of Finns, Don't wanna go there now.
Well, you won't be going anywhere on that ticket.
But she made me do it!
Didn't she?
- Next please! - No, no, wait there.
Is this a typical Finn Airways scam?
I buy a ticket, make me tear it up in front of no witnesses?
You'll have to buy another ticket.
Tell you what, am I at the fair?
Is this the fair? I mean, it looks like an airport.
The way I'm getting ripped off, feels like the fair.
In the morning, will this all be gone?
There'll be a few hot dog wrappers blowing around,
couple of pregnant teenagers looking for the bloke who runs the waltzers.
Can you come over here please, sir?
Look, OK, I shouldn't have ripped the ticket.
She's winding me up.
Maybe we get some Sellotape and put the bits back together.
You need a valid ticket.
- Please. - No!
Please!
OK, I know what you want.
I'll say it if makes you feel big, makes you feel important, I'll say it.
I don't say this very often.
Sorry.
You need a ticket.
All. right, I'm not sorry.
You stick your ticket up your arse.
There is no need to swear.
Oh! "There is no need to swear"!
Well...
I did.
Yeah!
Don't tear up your tickets, pass it on.
(sighs)
(Strums flatly)
- No, more like that. - (Ringing chord)
Like that.
(Plucks strings, out of tune)
Yeah, there's something wrong here.
- You're not doing this. - (Ringing chord)
(Strums flatly)
Like this.
- (Ringing chord) - (Strums flatly)
But it hurts.
Well, it should do, because once you got that, then, you know, you've got all of...
You know what I mean, you can...
Er, you see that?
See that, that's years like to get to that.
Just keep practicing, right?
And when you master it, you know, you'll be able to do this.
(Plays fast rock phrases)
They wouldn't let me go on the flight, unbelievable.
You must have been well pissed off.
No. I mean, I got a good story out of It.
That's the only reason you go on holiday.
Well, it's not much of a story, is it?
You tore up your own ticket, it was your own fault.
- She made me do it. - No, she didn't.
I'll. tell. you a good story.
I was seeing this Page 3 girl,
and her brother worked in a safari park.
That's not it!
I told you that one, didn't I?
OK, I got it, right?
What I want you to do is don't play your instrument.
When I say don't play, I mean, of course, you play, it's your arm, your hand,
but don't think of it is you, Ian, that is playing, all right?
Forget Ian. Who's Ian?
Quick, now play.
- (Tuneless chord) - You see, that's better already.
- (Tuneless chord) - Now, that's Ian. Ian's back.
Look at this.
(Fast rock phrases)
I'm not playing this.
- What's my name? - Mr Pirbright.
No, he's not here.
Take a message.
He could be gone for sometime.
(Errol slurping)
Mm!
(Door opens)
(Crashing)
It works.
Errol
I thought you were on holiday.
- Have you been eating chicken? - No, no, just Looking.
- (Strums discordantly) - Ian.
Ian! Ian!
- (Continues, out of tune) - Ian! Ian!
Yes! Yes!
Yes, that's it.
You've got it!
Hem
All right.
Look, let's try something else. It's a bit advanced.
Everything back to normal, forget that you're not Ian.
- All right? - Yes, Mr Pirbright.
Ask me if I wanna play guitar.
What?
Ask me if I wanna play guitar.
Do you want to play the guitar?
Yes, I do. Let's play guitar.
So all I did was tore my own ticket up.
And they wouldn't let me on the flight.
What did you do?
I gave her a right mouthful.
I said, "Who you think you are? Hitler?"
Bloody Hitler woman.
Still, wouldn't let me on the flight.
Then, this massive bloke came over.
He was... Oh, you know, Geoff Capes?
- Yeah. - Bigger.
So, I went "Wooh!"
And luckily he had the sense to back off.
Then I came home.
You must be furious!
No, not really.
Got a good story out of It.
That's the only reason you go on holiday, isn't it? A good story.
I'll be telling that one for a few years.
It's not that good a story.
Yes, it is, with the ticket and the Hitler woman and a big bloke.
Did I mention the pigeon that got trapped in Knickerbox?
It was flying around the changing rooms. All the women ran out in their pants.
- Really? - No!
But It's a better story, Isn't It?
Er, still needs work.
I'll. tell. you a good story.
My uncle when caving in Borneo,
and he was a mile underground when an earthquake happened.
Oh, I don't wanna know.
(Fast rock rhythm)
Cheers, Ian. Time's up.
See you next week.
Errol, Listen to this.
I've written two, you choose the best one.
Ready?
"'Twas a crisp clear morning,
"as crisp as freshly laundered napkins from a very ﬂash hotel!
Mm.
"A bold adventurer embarked on his Latest journey,
"seeking thrills and excitement.
"His only care was to find new..."
This is rubbish.
I'll do the other one, it's much better.
OK.
"I hailed a cab from a one-eyed Moroccan.
"He had a hard luck story for every mile of the road,
"but I wasn't Listening.
"My mind was full of Finnish heartache,
"and unfinished business.
"He took the wrong turn off at the Hogarth Roundabout.
"We ended up in Feltham,
"had to ask directions at the bus garage and then we got lost again."
I can't write this. It's rubbish!
You shouldn't write it, you should make it up how you tell it.
What, I tried to go Finland, and this moody bird wouldn't let me on the plane.
Mm... Need some more details like when my uncle was trapped,
he put pepper on his laces to make them taste better.
Oh, thanks, that's a great story.
I tried to go to Finland but this Hitler woman,
she made me eat my own Laces.
No. Real details like, what did she look like?
Quite nice... A bit...
Quite nice.
Maybe she was a bit different.
Ah, right, yeah.
What, really tall?
(Speaks Finnish)
That flight is full.
Or really short.
Hello! Hello! Coo-eel
No, she's really tall, with a twitch.
Yeah.
Can I have your tickets and passport, please?
And she is wearing...
Finnish national costume.
- Yeah, what is that? - Don't know.
I'm Finnish.
You can't.
It's not valid. You've ripped it up.
No, we just keep her in the blue uniform.
If you make it too weird, people get suspicious.
Hmm.
What about the people in the queue?
What did they Look like?
Normal, really. Pretty normal.
Urn... You could just...
Oh, that, yeah.
You can't. It's not valid. You've ripped it up.
I did it on purpose to make a point.
Didn't I?
(Vince) Nani That's just too stupid. it's getting like a Marilyn Manson video.
No, I tell you she's not tall. She hasn't got a twitch.
She's not in a funny uniform. Everyone is just normal.
That's the way to do it, keep it normal.
I think this ls It.
I think I got it.
So, I'm about to check in.
I see this maximum-security prisoner being escorted through the terminal.
By chance, / caught his eye, and he looked straight back at me, so, / said...
Going anywhere nice?
Maybe he was scared of ﬂying, or he'd had some bad news,
he went ballistic.
(Prisoner roaring)
He started coming straight at me. I thought, "What am I gonna do?
I couldn't run away because you're not allowed to leave your bags unattended.
What, you forgotten your passport?
And he was getting closer and closer. My only weapon...
a bottle of sun cream.
I couldn't get the top off. It was stuck and he was getting closer and closer.
He could have killed me! Eventually, I managed to ﬂip it over
but luckily the two other policemen grabbed him, wrestled him into the ground.
Maybe, I was just, it was adrenaline. I don't know, I was wired.
I just sprayed them anyway.
And then, they let him go,
and he just strolled over and tore my ticket up.
What do you think?
So they wouldn't let me on the flight.
Well, that was your fault.
I helped catch the prisoner!
No, you didn't. You just annoyed him.
Yeah, I'll. tell. you a good story.
You know that bloke what used to be in EastEnders, on the market, went a bit doolally?
- Mark Fowler? - Yeah, he came in here once.
- That's not a very good story. - I haven't finished yet.
He needed some change for the telephone.
- It's a rubbish story. - I haven't finished.
He only had a �20 note note, and I only had �3.70.
So, he took my �3.70 and gave me the �20 note.
Wow!
And I bought 16 lottery tickets,
and I won two million pounds.
Really?!
So how come you're still working here?
I spent it, didn't I?
Wow!
(Glass smashes)
Vince, I think I've got it.
I've... I've got it.
So, I get dropped off by the cab driver at the airport,
and he's a really nice bloke, he likes everything, and the airport is amazing, it's huge.
And it's got people going allover the world.
Africa.
Australia.
America.
Well, yeah, it's an airport.
Where's the stow]?
Well, after I checked in I still had two hours to kill, so I wandered around the airport.
I had a Look around the shops,
the bookshop, sports shop,
tripped in there, record shop, Boots...
Yeah, well, it's an airport.
In all the shops, there's one that just sells cravats.
Right.
How are they supposed to make any money?
But where is your stow]?
So, I was hungry and I remembered that I had an apple In my pocket.
I bit Into It and I bit my Inside of my mouth.
All right.
I was going down this escalator.
This girl was pointing at me ﬂies cos they were undone.
Yeah, but where is the stow]?
So I got chatting to this bloke who was going back to Spain
cos his fried chicken shop was going out of business.
That's crazy, isn't it, cos everyone loves chicken.
So why didn't you go to Finland?
Ah... Fog.
That's rubbish.
But you could make an effort, couldn't you?
Ah. I mean you must have one decent holiday story.
I've never ever, ever been on a holiday.
That's typical of you, isn't it?
Yeah, "Oh, I don't need to go on a holiday," my life's fantastic.
"I'm Errol, I'm special, I don't need to go anywhere."
We couldn't afford to go on holiday.
Why not?
You forgot to save money?
We tried to save.
There wasn't any left.
What did you spend it on?
Piercings? Oh, yeah.
Go to Sri Lanka or get the whole family pierced.
No, we were too poor. Is that what you wanted me to say?
We were poor. Happy now?
It's not that simple.
Money was scarce.
There were eleven of us.
Ten kids.
No. With ten kids, that makes twelve of you.
Well, unfortunately, in our case it was 11.
Hmm... 12?
In our case, it was 11.
Ten kids...
- w; 12.
- w; 11.
- w; 12. - 11!
All right, all right, Let's not get hung up on a number, OK?
How many fingers am I holding up? 41, it's not important.
Calculators in the bath, whoops.
I get the picture, Errol
There was too many of you to go on holiday. I'm sorry, sorry.
So you've never had an ice cream on the back of a donkey.
No.
Had your photo taken with a Little monkey in a hat?
No.
Or go into an arcade with a big bag of change.
I've been once, didn't like it. A man touched me bottom.
That's a great story.
- Is It? - Yeah.
- Was it just one bloke? - Yeah.
But in your world, that's four,
and in my world, they're women!
Excuse me. I'd like to make a complaint.
I'm being sexually harassed in this airport.
Where did this happen?
Well, firstly there was a cleaner over there, then there was...
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- You just touched me up. - I didn't.
- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.
- I turned, you tried to touch... - No.
- Did you touch... - No, I didn't.
Look, I don't mind you touching me up.
I quite like it.
- You went to do it again. - No, I didn't.
- You did, I saw you. - No.
- I turned like that and you... - Look!
So I said to her, "How would you like it if I did it to you?"
Yeah.
Well, it turned into a situation where you touch a policewoman's arse
and they won't let you on the plane.
Yeah, well, why were they touching you?
Well, I did really tight trousers on, made my arse look fantastic.
- Hm... - Good story, Isn't It?
- Are those the trousers? - Yeah.
- Is that the arse? - Mm.
I'll. tell. you a good story.
My father-in-law, right,
once he got trapped in a lift with Walt Disney and jimmy Hendrix.
Cold!
Cold! Cold!
Antarctica.
Warmer, getting warmer, hotter,
hotter, much hotter,
very hot, roasting.
Roasting, really really roasting, boiling.
Hotter than the surface of the sun, sizzling around the pocket area.
Be nice.
If just once you could give me a present,
I didn't have to touch your knob.
Magma;
OK, I'm about check-in.
And this dozy old muppet just walked straight into me.
- Ah! - Careful.
Is there a doctor?
Or a nurse?
Anyone got any medical training?
Anyone know first aid?
Anyone a first aider? There must be a first aider.
- Well, I'm a lifeguard. - Oh, fantastic!
Well, come and help us, mate.
Oh, thanks, mate.
- There's somebody in there, mate. - Yeah, yeah.
(All) Ooooh!
Ooooh!
Ahhhh!
(Applause)
Do you know where the toilets are round here?
Oh, thanks, cheers.
The ambulance came and I think he's doing fine.
Of course I missed my flight but saved a life.
Not really, he was obviously having an asthma attack,
and you give him a tracheotomy.
I'm only a lifeguard.
And what do you know about it?
I'm a nurse.
Oh, well... Yeah, you could have changed his bed sheets,
and pointed his visitors to the snack bar.
- How many lives have you saved? - Thousands!
- Today? - Three!
It's quite interesting actually, because one of them was a young man and...
came in this morning and I got him ready, you know,
took his trousers off and he had a false leg,
but he had a real foot.
- Really? - Yeah!
It's extraordinary, Isn't It?
You know what?
Bollocks!
- There is no need to swear. - Yes, there is.
We've oversold the flight. You will have to go on the next one.
Look, we have oversold the flight.
You have to go on the next flight.
What the fuck do you think you're doing, selling my fucking ticket?
Really, sir, there is no need to swear.
Yes, there is. There is a need to swear.
Oh, very much so, in fact it's situations like this that swearing was fucking invented for.
This is why we've got swear words.
The word "fuck" was created for exactly moments like this.
Listen to it.
Fuck, I'm not going on my fucking flight.
I won't be going to fucking Fin-fucking-land.
I bet they don't have this problem in Japan, do they? No.
Because over there everything works, doesn't It?
Everyone does their job.
You buy a ticket, you go to the airport, you get on a plane.
Yippee! Yeah!
I don't even know if I wanna go to fucking Finland.
(All cheer)
Yeah!
(All) Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince!
(Chanting and cheering continues)
(Vince) I'm Lovely!
They all tore their tickets up, lifted me on to their shoulders,
and we charged out of the airport,
I had to be firm with them, I said, "I'll go for a drink with you if I'm not your Leader."
- All right. - It's a good story, isn't it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince!
OK, lads, thank you.
Sony, forgot me passport.
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