1 00:00:21,495 --> 00:00:24,805 - (PHONE RINGS) - Hello, Prentiss McCabe Public Relations. 2 00:00:30,575 --> 00:00:33,692 - My God, it's enormous. - I promised her you'd read it. 3 00:00:33,855 --> 00:00:35,971 - Me?! - I'd read it myself, but I can't. 4 00:00:36,135 --> 00:00:41,732 It's your fault. You bring us the famously unclothed runner-up on "Big Brother". 5 00:00:41,895 --> 00:00:48,209 Hurrah. And she comes with a fat handwritten novel and a demand for its promotion. 6 00:00:48,375 --> 00:00:51,048 OK. Good point. Give it back to me. 7 00:00:52,055 --> 00:00:54,615 Alison, you can read it. 8 00:00:54,775 --> 00:00:58,927 Alison, how would you feel about reading Theresa O'Leary's magnum tedious? 9 00:00:59,095 --> 00:01:02,405 - Well... - Unless you've got other plans for the day? 10 00:01:02,575 --> 00:01:08,093 No. That's fine. I was thinking about getting to grips with Mark Thatcher... 11 00:01:08,255 --> 00:01:10,723 - Cripes. - Poor Mark. 12 00:01:10,895 --> 00:01:15,093 Marry the money. Still when he goes to the Ritz gets a table by the bogs. 13 00:01:15,255 --> 00:01:17,086 He can wait. Where's Charles? 14 00:01:17,255 --> 00:01:19,644 Ah, he left me a sticky. 15 00:01:19,815 --> 00:01:22,409 "Gone to the Connaught for a bit of a goat." 16 00:01:22,575 --> 00:01:25,533 Right... Good Lord. 17 00:01:25,695 --> 00:01:29,893 It's the way of the world - one week it's blasphemy to say "Fuck" at the opera, 18 00:01:30,055 --> 00:01:31,886 the next it's the only way to get a seat. 19 00:01:32,055 --> 00:01:35,286 - "A bit of a gloat." - Yup. Exactly. 20 00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:49,447 Hello, my dear. Yes. I'm lunching with Marcus Payne. 21 00:01:50,455 --> 00:01:52,969 Oh, I see him. 22 00:01:56,015 --> 00:01:59,485 Well, I think we should drink some champagne. 23 00:02:02,215 --> 00:02:06,288 Deference they despise. Treat 'em rough, they're lovely. 24 00:02:06,455 --> 00:02:10,767 Attack, attack, attack and so forth. Now... has anybody seen a newspaper? 25 00:02:10,935 --> 00:02:13,574 Oh, look. Here's one. 26 00:02:13,735 --> 00:02:18,286 You don't actually read this rubbish? You just edit it. He'll have champagne. 27 00:02:18,455 --> 00:02:21,492 Ooh. "The 'Herald' cocks up. 28 00:02:21,655 --> 00:02:25,933 "Dennis Waterman not a shirt-lifter shock." What a pity. 29 00:02:26,095 --> 00:02:29,326 Especially after yesterday's headline. What was it? 30 00:02:29,495 --> 00:02:30,848 "Mind 'er." 31 00:02:32,175 --> 00:02:37,408 "Mind 'er." Outstanding. Shame it wasn't true. 32 00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:41,454 - We were misinformed. - Not by me. I warned you. 33 00:02:41,615 --> 00:02:45,290 What you actually said, Charles, was "Suck it and see." 34 00:02:45,455 --> 00:02:50,449 Unfortunately for you, words never uttered by my client. I was teasing, Marcus. 35 00:02:50,615 --> 00:02:53,493 - Why didn't your proprietor stop it? - None of it matters. 36 00:02:53,655 --> 00:02:58,285 - But we'd like to stay friends with Dennis. - Why aren't you lunching him? 37 00:02:58,455 --> 00:03:01,015 - Eugh! - Point taken. 38 00:03:01,175 --> 00:03:04,929 Letters in Latin from Anne of Cleves - 39 00:03:05,095 --> 00:03:08,804 ill-fated fourth wife of King Henry VIII. 40 00:03:10,295 --> 00:03:15,164 They recount first hand the terrible rejection Anne suffered 41 00:03:15,335 --> 00:03:20,284 when the king first beheld his new bride in the flesh 42 00:03:20,455 --> 00:03:25,051 and turned away in disgust at her ugliness. 43 00:03:26,295 --> 00:03:31,653 For this discourteous action alone, history has reviled him, 44 00:03:31,815 --> 00:03:35,251 but perhaps the old boy had a point. 45 00:03:36,895 --> 00:03:41,047 Because when Anne's father wrote back, 46 00:03:41,215 --> 00:03:46,050 he began his letter, "Ave filius..." 47 00:03:46,215 --> 00:03:48,524 "Dear son." 48 00:03:52,455 --> 00:03:54,764 I'm sorry, Miriam, this is ridiculous. 49 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:58,211 I'm delivering myself of the most astonishing revelations, 50 00:03:58,375 --> 00:04:00,843 I've got this gorilla peering down my ear. 51 00:04:01,015 --> 00:04:05,531 It's not witty, it lacks gravitas, I do not feel well served. 52 00:04:05,695 --> 00:04:09,051 And cut. Very good, Nigel. Thank you. 53 00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:13,254 No, it's not "very good"! It's a bloody travesty and I'm seriously off-piste! 54 00:04:13,415 --> 00:04:15,292 Five minutes, everybody. 55 00:04:15,455 --> 00:04:20,085 Look, this is a complete fucking disaster. Will you get this girl Miriam? 56 00:04:20,255 --> 00:04:23,088 - (INDISTINCT) - Dear Nigel. 57 00:04:23,255 --> 00:04:26,452 So much more authoritative when you don't hear what he says. 58 00:04:26,615 --> 00:04:29,175 I was wrong about Dennis being a bender. 59 00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:32,008 I'm sorry. My memory's shocking these days. 60 00:04:32,175 --> 00:04:34,973 I've already forgotten that sentence. You were what? 61 00:04:35,135 --> 00:04:37,649 I was wrong about Dennis. 62 00:04:37,815 --> 00:04:40,887 But I do know something about chummy here. 63 00:04:41,055 --> 00:04:43,967 Him? Oh, my aching sides! I think not. 64 00:04:46,735 --> 00:04:49,568 - What? - No. 65 00:04:49,735 --> 00:04:51,214 What? 66 00:04:52,815 --> 00:04:56,012 So here's Theresa O'thingy on "Big Brother". 67 00:04:56,175 --> 00:04:59,884 Look at the others grimacing. She's boring us all to tears. 68 00:05:00,055 --> 00:05:04,014 But she's not stupid. She knows she's on her way out. 69 00:05:04,175 --> 00:05:08,168 She thinks about it and she gets her kit off. 70 00:05:08,335 --> 00:05:11,964 Basic, but it wins her second place and a slot at Prentiss McCabe. 71 00:05:12,135 --> 00:05:15,366 That's her real story. That's her scale. 72 00:05:15,535 --> 00:05:20,051 I don't think anybody's obliged to read her ruddy book just to humour her. 73 00:05:20,215 --> 00:05:22,365 - Ugh. - Um... 74 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:31,655 The girl's devoid of charm, she's without even decent conversation 75 00:05:31,815 --> 00:05:37,412 and her book will be the same - a dreary catalogue of complaint unrelieved by wit. 76 00:05:37,575 --> 00:05:40,567 - Actually, it's about her mother. - Principle's the same. 77 00:05:40,735 --> 00:05:43,090 It's "Cancer Ward" without the laughs. 78 00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:46,565 - Read me the bit you're reading now. - Which bit? This bit? 79 00:05:46,735 --> 00:05:51,013 Any bit, Alison. I'm just trying to make a point. 80 00:05:51,175 --> 00:05:54,929 Right. "Grandma bent down to scoop the placenta from her fallen drawers..." 81 00:05:55,095 --> 00:05:58,371 - Thank you. - "Childbirth did not dim her sense of duty. 82 00:05:58,535 --> 00:06:01,003 "'This'll feed the babbies for a week."' 83 00:06:01,175 --> 00:06:03,735 Ah. I rest my case. 84 00:06:03,895 --> 00:06:07,285 Jamie. This wretched girl, is she worth it? 85 00:06:07,455 --> 00:06:09,685 Wait till you see her in the peephole surplus. 86 00:06:09,855 --> 00:06:13,609 Also, I found this wicked thing on the Net. It's split-crotch wimple. 87 00:06:13,775 --> 00:06:17,529 Give Theresa the right vibes on the book and she'll wear it for "Loaded". 88 00:06:17,695 --> 00:06:20,050 I thought a wimple was a pointy-head thing. 89 00:06:20,215 --> 00:06:23,810 - Worn vertically, yeah. - I think... 90 00:06:23,975 --> 00:06:27,206 Go on. You've a democratic right to express your opinion. 91 00:06:27,375 --> 00:06:29,445 - I just... - Mm? 92 00:06:29,615 --> 00:06:33,528 I don't think she should have been in that costume and subjected to a photo 93 00:06:33,695 --> 00:06:36,846 with Roy Keane holding up a red card saying, "None of that." 94 00:06:37,015 --> 00:06:39,768 It wasn't funny and it wasn't dignified. 95 00:06:39,935 --> 00:06:42,244 - It wasn't funny? - It was funny. 96 00:06:42,415 --> 00:06:44,406 Everybody leave. Now! 97 00:06:45,415 --> 00:06:47,292 - Right. - Not you, Martin. 98 00:06:47,455 --> 00:06:49,491 Oh, all right. 99 00:06:49,655 --> 00:06:52,852 I've just had lunch at the Connaught. Bad news. 100 00:06:53,015 --> 00:06:56,166 Don't say bloody Ramsay's got rid of the puddings? 101 00:06:56,335 --> 00:06:57,814 Marcus Payne. 102 00:06:57,975 --> 00:07:00,569 He's a shit of colossal stature. Was he there? 103 00:07:00,735 --> 00:07:04,853 At my table. Telling me the filthy little secret of Nigel Harting. 104 00:07:05,015 --> 00:07:08,371 - Really? - He's one of ours, Martin. He's family. 105 00:07:08,535 --> 00:07:11,368 I know, but for the first time he interests me. 106 00:07:11,535 --> 00:07:14,333 - He is finished. - What? 107 00:07:15,695 --> 00:07:20,723 What is the crucial virtue one requires of an historian, both on and off television? 108 00:07:20,895 --> 00:07:23,614 The single unequivocal demand that we make. 109 00:07:23,775 --> 00:07:28,769 That he wears a leather jacket? Writes a book with pictures in? For Christ's sake. 110 00:07:28,935 --> 00:07:32,928 That the facts upon which he speculates are facts, not lies. 111 00:07:33,095 --> 00:07:34,687 Oh, Jesus! 112 00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:38,689 Our Nigel Harting faked the letters about Wolsey shagging his mother. 113 00:07:38,855 --> 00:07:42,450 Now he's faked letters about Anne of Cleves having a schlong. 114 00:07:42,615 --> 00:07:45,288 It turns up in the archive of his own college. 115 00:07:45,455 --> 00:07:48,765 They send for an expert to authenticate. Who's the expert? 116 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:50,926 - Nigel. - He's buggered, Martin. 117 00:07:51,095 --> 00:07:53,609 And I don't mean that in a nice way. 118 00:07:53,775 --> 00:07:57,245 Marcus already has more than one don in his pocket. 119 00:07:57,415 --> 00:08:00,009 They hate Harting - he makes too much money. 120 00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:02,735 Why doesn't Marcus just print it? 121 00:08:02,895 --> 00:08:05,728 - He wants to give us a sporting chance. - Bastard. 122 00:08:05,895 --> 00:08:09,126 He's prefer something more salacious. 123 00:08:09,295 --> 00:08:12,890 He doesn't realise that if I give him what he wants - which I shall - 124 00:08:13,055 --> 00:08:15,091 it will be entirely to our advantage. 125 00:08:15,255 --> 00:08:18,327 But... Oh, yes! What a fool! 126 00:08:18,495 --> 00:08:23,364 The historical jiggery-pokery stays canned, but as a commodity, Nigel goes nuclear. 127 00:08:23,535 --> 00:08:28,086 - Which, frankly, he could use. - Now he'll glow in the dark. 128 00:08:28,255 --> 00:08:32,965 Marcus's circulation will go up, so he'll get hissy kisses from his proprietor. 129 00:08:33,255 --> 00:08:37,168 And he'll be relishing the illusion that he shafted me. But what am I not? 130 00:08:37,335 --> 00:08:39,803 - A man to be shafted. - Precisely. 131 00:08:39,975 --> 00:08:42,443 Can you believe it? I feel hungry. 132 00:08:54,095 --> 00:08:56,006 - That's too much. - She's coming. 133 00:08:56,175 --> 00:08:57,972 I'm coming. 134 00:09:01,415 --> 00:09:03,087 Yes. 135 00:09:04,695 --> 00:09:09,007 - Can't you knock? - Knocking is for A, B or C list. 136 00:09:09,175 --> 00:09:12,531 - Her legs go all the way up to her arse. - That's the usual arrangement. 137 00:09:12,695 --> 00:09:15,653 - We're really late, Ali. - I know, Jamie, but... 138 00:09:16,695 --> 00:09:21,291 How do I look? Don't answer that. Let's get on with it. 139 00:09:21,455 --> 00:09:23,764 What did you do with my book? 140 00:09:23,935 --> 00:09:27,848 I gave it to Martin - partner. He's hooked into literary London. 141 00:09:28,015 --> 00:09:31,166 - What did Martin make of it? - He loves it, loves it. 142 00:09:31,335 --> 00:09:35,806 - There you go. Ba-ba-ba ba! - So when do we talk to the publisher? 143 00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:38,853 You do this, I'll get on to Martin about that. 144 00:09:39,015 --> 00:09:42,052 I was never a bloody nun. I was taught by nuns. 145 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:46,970 That's close enough. Theresa, I know. This must seem pretty demeaning. 146 00:09:47,135 --> 00:09:51,731 We appreciate that. But the public has to think it knows who you are 147 00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:54,887 before it can get to grips with the person you really are. 148 00:09:55,055 --> 00:09:57,694 It has to have a handle on you. 149 00:09:57,855 --> 00:10:01,530 You and I both know we're going to snap that handle off, yeah? 150 00:10:01,695 --> 00:10:05,734 But, right now, it's necessary. 151 00:10:06,975 --> 00:10:09,284 - Yeah? - OK. 152 00:10:13,415 --> 00:10:15,804 Snap the handle? 153 00:10:24,975 --> 00:10:29,173 His heart and loins throbbing with anticipation 154 00:10:29,335 --> 00:10:32,771 stirred by Holbein's ludicrously flattering portrait, 155 00:10:32,935 --> 00:10:35,449 Henry made haste to Rochester. 156 00:10:35,615 --> 00:10:39,290 - He was um... - Cut! Get ready to go again. 157 00:10:43,295 --> 00:10:46,173 Charles. You got my message? 158 00:10:46,335 --> 00:10:49,611 Yes. I've just been speaking to Anne of Cleves. Seems nice. 159 00:10:49,775 --> 00:10:52,130 The whole thing's a bloody dog's breakfast. 160 00:10:52,295 --> 00:10:55,970 This one will have to go. She's not even a mechanic, she's a fitter. 161 00:10:56,135 --> 00:10:58,933 - Nigel, I bring you good news. - Oh? 162 00:10:59,095 --> 00:11:02,565 Little bit of bad news first to make the good news more piquant. 163 00:11:02,735 --> 00:11:07,604 - Oh. - Your career, as we have hitherto understood it, is fucked. 164 00:11:07,775 --> 00:11:11,973 That's a technical term. The good news is we can fix it. 165 00:11:13,415 --> 00:11:15,883 Marcus has had the letters in his hands. 166 00:11:16,055 --> 00:11:19,411 He's had them radio-carbon dated, X-rayed and copies made. 167 00:11:19,575 --> 00:11:23,568 - Ah... - Fortunately, I've distracted him 168 00:11:23,735 --> 00:11:27,614 with the story and graphic video recording of your disgusting adultery 169 00:11:27,775 --> 00:11:30,335 with a distinguished female social commentator. 170 00:11:30,495 --> 00:11:33,009 But I've never committed adultery. 171 00:11:33,175 --> 00:11:35,291 Not yet you haven't. 172 00:11:42,295 --> 00:11:44,525 God, God, God. 173 00:11:44,695 --> 00:11:50,213 Nick, I've just been in reception with Theresa O'doing. She is a total crasher. 174 00:11:50,375 --> 00:11:54,766 - When I do this, throw me Miramax. - Miramax, right. 175 00:11:54,935 --> 00:11:59,008 - You were saying, Martin? - An extraordinary read. Yes. 176 00:11:59,175 --> 00:12:03,168 One detects in it the themes and structures of the great Russian novels. 177 00:12:03,335 --> 00:12:05,166 Massive ideas carried in solution. 178 00:12:05,335 --> 00:12:08,054 Language under pressure, soaring emotions. 179 00:12:08,215 --> 00:12:10,524 - But the suffering... - It's fantastic. 180 00:12:10,695 --> 00:12:14,893 Tell me, do you think the scene where we meet O'Gara was too much? 181 00:12:15,055 --> 00:12:17,808 That scene was extraordinary. 182 00:12:17,975 --> 00:12:20,045 Martin? Miramax. 183 00:12:20,215 --> 00:12:24,174 Oh, God. Yes. I forgot. Conference call. Hollywood. 184 00:12:24,335 --> 00:12:28,453 - You're talking to Miramax? - Harvey W and I hook up once a week. 185 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:31,925 - You're going to talk about my book? - Naturally. 186 00:12:32,095 --> 00:12:34,086 This is so exciting. 187 00:12:34,255 --> 00:12:37,850 So who would you cast as O'Gara? Fantasy casting? 188 00:12:38,015 --> 00:12:42,293 Fantasy casting for O'Gara? Clooney. In an ideal world, George every time. 189 00:12:43,695 --> 00:12:45,094 Tom Conti? 190 00:12:46,895 --> 00:12:49,967 I have it on good authority that John Hurt is off the sauce. 191 00:12:50,135 --> 00:12:55,163 - O'Gara's a nun. - She's actually a woman, Martin. 192 00:12:55,335 --> 00:12:59,886 Of course O'Gara's a woman. I was just trying to think of cutting edge casting. 193 00:13:00,055 --> 00:13:02,205 - Miramax, Martin. - Must take this call. 194 00:13:02,375 --> 00:13:08,564 Look. On my desk, I have a thrilling new television format called "Big Sister". 195 00:13:08,735 --> 00:13:12,489 Six female celebrities spend a month in a convent with Carmelite nuns. 196 00:13:12,655 --> 00:13:19,003 Incense, cold showers and the faintest unspoken suggestion of Sapphic frottage. 197 00:13:19,175 --> 00:13:21,928 I've put your name in the hat to present. 198 00:13:22,095 --> 00:13:26,452 Toot-toot! The gravy train's coming, Theresa. 199 00:13:26,615 --> 00:13:29,413 And look what's written on the front. 200 00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:32,009 Channel Five. 201 00:13:32,175 --> 00:13:34,814 I want no part of frotting nuns on Channel Five. 202 00:13:34,975 --> 00:13:39,332 - Oh? - I'm Pandora. My box is open. 203 00:13:41,455 --> 00:13:44,253 - I beg your pardon? - I don't find this satisfactory. 204 00:13:44,415 --> 00:13:46,770 I don't think you're pulling out the stops. 205 00:13:46,935 --> 00:13:49,529 My dear Theresa, I don't wish to be ungallant, 206 00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:52,607 but the stops that got you here were pulled out by you. 207 00:13:52,775 --> 00:13:55,414 I will attempt to put your book in the spotlight. 208 00:13:55,575 --> 00:13:57,805 But now I must speak to Paramount. 209 00:13:57,975 --> 00:14:00,853 - Miramax. - Precisely. Charles. 210 00:14:01,855 --> 00:14:03,607 Jamie, in my office. 211 00:14:05,015 --> 00:14:08,803 Royal Television Society Awards. Dorchester seating plan. 212 00:14:11,055 --> 00:14:16,413 What we need is the civilised man's totty. Where is she? 213 00:14:16,575 --> 00:14:18,566 Who is the Joan Bakewell de nos jours? 214 00:14:18,735 --> 00:14:20,612 - Anneka Rice? - She'll do. 215 00:14:20,775 --> 00:14:26,486 Right... Move Nigel to there, her to here, those two to... 216 00:14:27,615 --> 00:14:29,207 wherever. 217 00:14:29,375 --> 00:14:33,891 What she's doing at that table, I've no idea. There. Bob's your auntie. 218 00:14:34,055 --> 00:14:38,173 - Hm. - Do I detect a note of dissent, Jamie? 219 00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:41,486 Charles, I know it's a condition of employment 220 00:14:41,655 --> 00:14:45,011 that we recognise and proclaim your genius regularly, 221 00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:47,894 but not even you can make Anneka Rice do what we want. 222 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:52,207 Three ingredients are essential here - camera, Anneka, blow-job. 223 00:14:52,375 --> 00:14:55,572 Think about it. Only the camera has to be the real thing. 224 00:15:00,935 --> 00:15:04,814 What is it about you, do you think, that makes people say, 225 00:15:04,975 --> 00:15:07,170 "You are a dead ringer for Anneka Rice." 226 00:15:07,335 --> 00:15:13,331 One day I just woke up, looked in the mirror... and there she was, 227 00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:15,087 staring at me. 228 00:15:15,255 --> 00:15:17,325 I phoned the agency the next morning. 229 00:15:17,495 --> 00:15:19,372 I knew my life would never be the same. 230 00:15:19,535 --> 00:15:22,413 What's the most exciting thing you've done as Anneka? 231 00:15:22,575 --> 00:15:24,486 I opened a shoe shop with Dale Winton. 232 00:15:24,655 --> 00:15:28,330 - Premieres, dinners. - Opening a leisure centre with Dale Winton. 233 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:31,214 So in many ways my whole life changed 234 00:15:31,375 --> 00:15:35,209 when I just accepted that I was always going to be mistaken for her. 235 00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:40,969 - Permission to speak? - I'm listening. 236 00:15:41,135 --> 00:15:45,606 Are you sure you've got this right? We've all seen Nigel's wife - Sarah Harting. 237 00:15:45,775 --> 00:15:47,845 Mary Archer without the crazy sense of fun. 238 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:52,293 If Nigel wants a shag, he probably has to get permission from two Anglican bishops. 239 00:15:52,455 --> 00:15:54,173 - Your point? - Is she controllable? 240 00:15:54,335 --> 00:15:58,806 - Sarah and Nigel are... connoisseurs. - I know he's a major bore. 241 00:15:58,975 --> 00:16:02,809 What she really enjoys, what is the very bedrock of the Harting's union, 242 00:16:02,975 --> 00:16:05,773 is Nigel's impressive collection of modern money. 243 00:16:05,935 --> 00:16:08,733 - That's what shivers her timbers. - How refreshing. 244 00:16:08,895 --> 00:16:11,807 I think she'll sail through it pretty well. 245 00:16:11,975 --> 00:16:13,852 Hi. Mayor's office, please. 246 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:16,813 Yeah. Alison Jackman, Prentiss McCabe. 247 00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:21,093 Hi. It's just a query about Mr Livingstone's choice of ideal dinner guests 248 00:16:21,255 --> 00:16:23,485 for the "Sunday Times" feature. 249 00:16:23,655 --> 00:16:27,568 I think we're OK with Napoleon and Dick Whittington. 250 00:16:27,735 --> 00:16:32,047 It's an image thing, really. We're wondering if he had an alternative for Pol Pot. 251 00:16:32,215 --> 00:16:35,013 We were thinking more Patricia Routledge. 252 00:16:43,455 --> 00:16:46,128 That's the glorious thing about the Tudors. 253 00:16:46,295 --> 00:16:51,005 - They're all bloody dead. - Not unique among historical figures. 254 00:16:51,175 --> 00:16:56,169 Yes. But dead such a wonderfully long time ago, one can say whatever one wants. 255 00:16:56,335 --> 00:16:59,805 - As long as one doesn't go to court. - Gentlemen... you're on. 256 00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:14,405 (REPORTERS CLAMOUR) 257 00:17:17,055 --> 00:17:21,367 Anneka? Amazing! What are you doing here? Darling. 258 00:17:21,535 --> 00:17:23,253 How lovely to see you. 259 00:17:23,415 --> 00:17:27,886 Look, I've got this dreadful screening to go to. We must catch up. 260 00:17:28,055 --> 00:17:30,046 - Lovely. - Do give us a call. 261 00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:37,044 - I didn't know we were acquainted. - Never seen the creep before in my life. 262 00:17:45,615 --> 00:17:48,083 Excuse me, what are you doing? 263 00:17:50,575 --> 00:17:55,285 That is my computer. It is on my desk. 264 00:17:55,455 --> 00:18:00,131 Hot desking, Ali. 21st-century prophylactic against the urge to nest in the workplace. 265 00:18:00,295 --> 00:18:02,855 - I'm using that. - You're not, actually. 266 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:07,406 - Bumping up the price of Penelope Keith. - You're making calls in your head. 267 00:18:07,575 --> 00:18:10,135 - He doesn't know that. - Who's he? 268 00:18:10,295 --> 00:18:13,651 John, are you still there? Sorry to keep you. 269 00:18:13,815 --> 00:18:17,888 I've been speaking to Carlton, Granada and the Network Centre. 270 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:20,888 They're all stacked around the place like jumbos. 271 00:18:21,055 --> 00:18:24,889 This is your chance, John, so improve your bid. 272 00:18:25,055 --> 00:18:29,207 You should see Penny these days. We are talking serious high octane here. 273 00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:31,366 Imagine Christine Hamilton on acid. 274 00:18:31,535 --> 00:18:34,891 She is? That's hilarious. I can't say I'm surprised. 275 00:18:35,055 --> 00:18:39,048 Persons of a nervous disposition and those offended by gratuitous obscenity, 276 00:18:39,215 --> 00:18:41,126 you're working for the wrong firm. 277 00:18:41,295 --> 00:18:45,686 John, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to slide you on ice. I've gotta deal with HBO. 278 00:18:49,175 --> 00:18:52,212 - Where are we? - Back at the bogs at the Dorch. 279 00:18:52,375 --> 00:18:54,809 - Classy. - (ECSTATIC GROANING) 280 00:18:54,975 --> 00:18:58,012 Oh, that's Nigel Harting. I quite like him. He's good. 281 00:18:58,175 --> 00:19:02,054 Who's blondie there? I can't tell from the back of her head. 282 00:19:02,215 --> 00:19:04,365 What's she doing? 283 00:19:05,815 --> 00:19:07,134 Oh. 284 00:19:09,255 --> 00:19:13,771 Nigel, I think you're going to be pleased. It's all very discreet. 285 00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:16,369 Just enough to tell the story. Not salacious... 286 00:19:16,535 --> 00:19:19,333 - (BEEP) - Let me just get rid of whoever this is. 287 00:19:20,335 --> 00:19:22,166 Marcus, you big poof! 288 00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:26,169 I'm biking you over a video of unadulterated red-hot filth. 289 00:19:26,335 --> 00:19:30,647 Enjoy and acknowledge delivery of "Hard-On Harting Part One". 290 00:19:31,935 --> 00:19:36,247 No, but he does pull a face like Jeremy Irons being buggered with a car horn. 291 00:19:36,415 --> 00:19:40,294 I just want to finalise Mr Blair's itinerary for tonight's premiere. 292 00:19:40,455 --> 00:19:43,049 Odeon, Leicester Square at seven sharp. 293 00:19:44,055 --> 00:19:48,606 It's "The Diary of Anne Frank Il". Yes, sort of a sequel. 294 00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:58,051 - Here we are. - Yummy. 295 00:19:58,215 --> 00:20:01,525 I look like a bloody corpse. It's fantastic. 296 00:20:01,695 --> 00:20:06,564 There'll be flash photography, so no blinking. We don't want Matthew Kelly eyes. 297 00:20:06,735 --> 00:20:10,284 Thank you, Sarah. You're being a tremendous sport about all this. 298 00:20:10,455 --> 00:20:12,685 Friends know what one's like. 299 00:20:12,855 --> 00:20:15,164 Christ. There's hordes of the bastards. 300 00:20:15,335 --> 00:20:18,930 If only all my wronged wives would adopt such a robust attitude. 301 00:20:19,095 --> 00:20:22,610 Oh, dear. Your work is hard. Poor Charles. 302 00:20:22,775 --> 00:20:26,848 I blame David Mellor. He queered the pitch once and for all. 303 00:20:27,015 --> 00:20:31,850 The demonstration of contrition at the gate used to be a straightforward affair. 304 00:20:32,015 --> 00:20:34,734 Actually... I think I'm going to be sick. 305 00:20:37,935 --> 00:20:40,927 What I want to do here is apologise... 306 00:20:41,095 --> 00:20:43,655 in public... 307 00:20:43,815 --> 00:20:46,488 to my wonderful wife of 15 years. 308 00:20:46,655 --> 00:20:52,093 Sarah, I am more sorry than I can sensibly express 309 00:20:52,255 --> 00:20:57,648 for the stupid, cruel and selfish act 310 00:20:57,815 --> 00:21:03,765 that I committed with a pretty woman, much younger than myself, who cannot be named. 311 00:21:03,935 --> 00:21:09,134 It would be so easy to blame the gruelling demands of filming a 12-part series 312 00:21:09,295 --> 00:21:12,367 to be broadcast this autumn on BBC1... 313 00:21:12,535 --> 00:21:15,208 but the fault is entirely mine. 314 00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,889 Darling, Sarah... 315 00:21:18,055 --> 00:21:20,888 mea maxima culpa. 316 00:21:21,055 --> 00:21:23,046 Forgive me. 317 00:21:24,095 --> 00:21:26,563 (REPORTERS CLAMOUR) 318 00:21:27,935 --> 00:21:32,565 You will all of you doubtless be disappointed to hear 319 00:21:32,735 --> 00:21:35,454 that I am in fact not in the least bit surprised 320 00:21:35,615 --> 00:21:38,129 and, I find, hardly at all distressed 321 00:21:38,295 --> 00:21:42,846 to learn that my husband has been enjoying fellatio in a public car park. 322 00:21:43,015 --> 00:21:45,210 I feel sorry for him... 323 00:21:45,375 --> 00:21:48,970 because this isn't the first time this has happened. 324 00:21:49,135 --> 00:21:51,524 Ladies and gentlemen... 325 00:21:51,695 --> 00:21:56,530 my husband is addicted to the thrill of committing sordid acts of filth 326 00:21:56,695 --> 00:21:58,765 in public places. 327 00:21:58,935 --> 00:22:02,371 More normally in sites of historical significance. 328 00:22:02,535 --> 00:22:07,609 Fountains Abbey, the Cabinet War Rooms, St Paul's Cathedral... 329 00:22:07,775 --> 00:22:13,532 - Holy Mother of God. - The Long Room at Lords, the Cenotaph. 330 00:22:13,695 --> 00:22:16,334 Open "The Heritage Guide to Britain" anywhere 331 00:22:16,495 --> 00:22:19,293 and the chances are my husband has shot his bolt there, 332 00:22:19,455 --> 00:22:24,609 with or without the assistance of another person. Thank you. 333 00:22:24,775 --> 00:22:26,527 (ALL CLAMOUR) 334 00:22:26,695 --> 00:22:30,813 Thank you. You'll receive printed copies of the statements as usual. 335 00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:35,446 - I did go off-piste. Was that all right? - Sarah, you were magnificent. 336 00:22:35,615 --> 00:22:38,846 - A bit worried about the Cenotaph. - That was brilliant. 337 00:22:39,015 --> 00:22:42,371 - You knew she was going to do that? - It's true, isn't it? 338 00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:47,973 I told Charles that we twice made love in the Gladstone Room at the Oxford Union. 339 00:22:48,135 --> 00:22:49,568 Twice. That's a habit. 340 00:22:49,735 --> 00:22:52,727 I did slip my hand under the rug for you at Glyndebourne. 341 00:22:52,895 --> 00:22:55,773 I think some sort of counselling really. 342 00:22:55,935 --> 00:22:58,688 You told her to say all that atrocious shit? 343 00:22:58,855 --> 00:23:01,733 Now you're getting the idea. 344 00:23:01,895 --> 00:23:06,173 Why don't you pop to the cellar and find us a bottle of something expensive? 345 00:23:07,895 --> 00:23:13,527 Nigel, are you familiar with your arse? Because your wife has just saved it. 346 00:23:13,695 --> 00:23:15,333 Now get us a drink. 347 00:23:15,495 --> 00:23:18,168 OK. Here's Theresa O'Leary's home page. 348 00:23:18,335 --> 00:23:22,965 - With a picture in the bathroom? - That's the boys. We can change that. 349 00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:26,730 See to it. I want a picture of me in glasses. 350 00:23:26,895 --> 00:23:30,205 - So this is the bulletin board? - Yeah. Got messages already. 351 00:23:30,375 --> 00:23:32,764 "What's your favourite?" That's not a good one. 352 00:23:32,935 --> 00:23:35,244 "What's your favourite position?" Jesus! 353 00:23:35,415 --> 00:23:37,770 - Chris... - "What's your favourite position?" 354 00:23:37,935 --> 00:23:42,451 - OK. Here's a woman. Dina in Cornwall. - "What's your favourite position?" 355 00:23:42,615 --> 00:23:46,767 Theresa, a thought. Your dear old mum. Can I ask you this? 356 00:23:46,935 --> 00:23:51,087 All this stuff she went through - did she ever take it out on you? 357 00:23:51,255 --> 00:23:53,211 - What? - Give you the odd wallop. 358 00:23:53,375 --> 00:23:55,764 You want to know if she abused me? 359 00:23:55,935 --> 00:24:00,292 Then a bit of over-zealous attention with the sponge at bath time to say sorry? 360 00:24:00,455 --> 00:24:05,324 You're inviting me to recall sexual mistreatment by my dead mother, 361 00:24:05,495 --> 00:24:09,488 none of which occurred, to enhance my prospects of finding a publisher? 362 00:24:09,655 --> 00:24:11,168 Could be handy. 363 00:24:20,295 --> 00:24:22,684 (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) 364 00:24:24,655 --> 00:24:27,215 Marcus? Big fat whammy of a chaser, I think. 365 00:24:27,375 --> 00:24:31,163 Very impressive... If you say so, Charles, you must be. 366 00:24:32,175 --> 00:24:34,643 I said you must be the best. 367 00:24:36,495 --> 00:24:40,852 - You want me to do what? - I want you to honour your promise, 368 00:24:41,015 --> 00:24:45,054 I'm sorry, Charles, but I can't possibly not print this forgery stuff. 369 00:24:45,215 --> 00:24:48,571 Not now. Nigel's just too hot. I got people calling in. 370 00:24:48,735 --> 00:24:51,249 His emissions have gripped the nation. 371 00:24:51,415 --> 00:24:54,771 And, guess what, it's all your fault. 372 00:24:54,935 --> 00:24:59,531 And, by the way, added bonus - lovely Sarah. Thanks for her. 373 00:24:59,695 --> 00:25:02,289 I've hoovered her exclusively for 20 grand, 374 00:25:02,455 --> 00:25:05,094 "Why have I done all this?" I hear you ask, 375 00:25:05,255 --> 00:25:07,849 Because I can, you wanker. 376 00:25:08,015 --> 00:25:14,011 Yes. I'm sure it must be tremendous fun playing Mr Boasty in front of your menials. 377 00:25:14,175 --> 00:25:15,972 My advice to you is this. 378 00:25:16,135 --> 00:25:20,128 Get one or two of them who know how to operate a telephone to do a ring round. 379 00:25:20,295 --> 00:25:24,334 - What? - I'd start with Piers. 380 00:25:24,495 --> 00:25:26,850 Mm... Mm. 381 00:25:27,855 --> 00:25:32,406 I couldn't agree more. But Germaine's always had a thing about her feet. 382 00:25:34,095 --> 00:25:36,211 Well, exactly. 383 00:25:36,375 --> 00:25:38,935 Well, about this rites of passage novel. 384 00:25:39,935 --> 00:25:41,926 Mostly Dublin, yes. 385 00:25:42,095 --> 00:25:46,964 Oh, God, it's jammed with suffering. The suffering's fantastic. 386 00:25:47,135 --> 00:25:49,603 It's "Angela's Ashes" meets "Caged Heat". 387 00:25:49,775 --> 00:25:55,247 Lesbian fumblings in the dorm, tearful singalongs in the pub, lashings of TB. 388 00:25:57,135 --> 00:25:59,933 He says it sounds like a pile of crap. 389 00:26:00,095 --> 00:26:01,653 Is she what? 390 00:26:01,815 --> 00:26:06,445 Oh, Lord, no. She's concentrated more on the... mainstream forums - 391 00:26:06,615 --> 00:26:09,083 the more accessible vehicles for the arts. 392 00:26:10,095 --> 00:26:12,404 "Big Brother". 393 00:26:12,575 --> 00:26:15,726 She was the one in the shower, yes. 394 00:26:15,895 --> 00:26:18,011 With the? Yes. 395 00:26:20,015 --> 00:26:22,131 Oh, I didn't notice that. 396 00:26:22,295 --> 00:26:24,968 They all do these days by all accounts. 397 00:26:26,735 --> 00:26:30,967 Why don't I get her to pop into LWT some? 398 00:26:31,135 --> 00:26:35,492 Fine. Even better. Yes, I've got your mobile number. 399 00:26:36,495 --> 00:26:39,965 Excellent, Melvin. I know she'll be delighted. 400 00:26:40,135 --> 00:26:41,614 Bye. 401 00:26:42,695 --> 00:26:44,447 I told you. 402 00:26:44,615 --> 00:26:47,413 (OPERA PLAYS) 403 00:26:52,535 --> 00:26:58,053 Well, this is fun. Where are you going to hide me, by the way? 404 00:26:58,215 --> 00:27:02,003 - Somewhere expensive. Marcus will pay. - Oh? 405 00:27:02,175 --> 00:27:06,054 I anticipate that within the hour I will close a deal for £250,000. 406 00:27:06,215 --> 00:27:10,413 Marcus won't like it, but his master, Rupert, will insist. 407 00:27:10,575 --> 00:27:14,614 - How do you know? - Because I have all Rupert's direct lines. 408 00:27:14,775 --> 00:27:17,084 And I'm incredibly good at my job. 409 00:27:19,815 --> 00:27:22,727 "Cosi Fan Tutte". 410 00:27:24,335 --> 00:27:26,849 We could almost be at Glyndebourne. 411 00:27:27,015 --> 00:27:29,688 The rug is on the back seat.