1 00:00:18,009 --> 00:00:20,045 OK. We're going into extra time. 2 00:00:20,209 --> 00:00:24,088 Injury time, it feels like. Remind me why we're doing this. 3 00:00:24,249 --> 00:00:28,242 Because since Jamie Oliver turned all those juvenile delinquents into chefs, 4 00:00:28,409 --> 00:00:30,843 everyone has to be seen to be rattling the bucket. 5 00:00:31,009 --> 00:00:34,399 At least when I have a heart attack, I know it'll be for charity. 6 00:00:34,569 --> 00:00:35,888 The trick is to go in goal. 7 00:00:36,049 --> 00:00:39,837 The trick is to be so fucking hopeless, they stick you in goal. Listen up good. 8 00:00:40,009 --> 00:00:41,408 Listen up good? 9 00:00:49,969 --> 00:00:52,961 Volpone 1, Prentiss McCabe 3? 10 00:00:53,129 --> 00:00:56,246 "Thanks to a hat-trick by ace kicker, Charles Prentiss." 11 00:00:56,409 --> 00:00:58,400 Kicker isn't even a football term. 12 00:00:58,569 --> 00:01:01,037 - Charles, you can't lie... - To journalists? 13 00:01:01,209 --> 00:01:03,723 What would that do for our company's reputation? 14 00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,880 Never ask a PR man for the truth 15 00:01:06,049 --> 00:01:08,927 or shake hands with a gynaecologist. Professional rules. 16 00:01:09,089 --> 00:01:12,718 - Old profession. Not in Kubrick plus two. - Kubrick plus two? 17 00:01:12,889 --> 00:01:16,040 Stanley Kubrick made "2001". It's YPC. 18 00:01:16,209 --> 00:01:18,325 - What? - Young Person's Code. 19 00:01:18,489 --> 00:01:24,200 It's the difference between us, Martin - you want to understand Jamie, but can't. I can understand him and don't want to. 20 00:01:24,369 --> 00:01:27,327 The best story in this rag this week is on the front page. 21 00:01:27,489 --> 00:01:30,367 Haven't you won that for the last five years, Charles? 22 00:01:30,529 --> 00:01:33,043 It's good to see young people coming through. 23 00:01:33,209 --> 00:01:36,758 - Jamie won it for a job which you... - Some hippy thing in Suffolk? 24 00:01:36,929 --> 00:01:39,079 East Anglian Wind Farms Collective. 25 00:01:39,249 --> 00:01:41,638 Which you argued for the agency to turn down 26 00:01:41,809 --> 00:01:45,882 on the grounds that the public didn't want their lights run by fart power. 27 00:01:46,049 --> 00:01:50,406 This is the new PR. For every Premiership footballer, you represent a hospice. 28 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:54,357 - Premiership footballer? - Terry Pine. Manchester City striker. 29 00:01:54,529 --> 00:01:57,407 Ten goals in five games. He's coming in this morning. 30 00:01:57,569 --> 00:02:00,129 Nowadays people want to know how much you give away. 31 00:02:00,289 --> 00:02:02,757 Martin, your 10.30's at reception. 32 00:02:02,929 --> 00:02:05,921 - Cardinal of Yorkshire? - Archbishop of York. 33 00:02:06,089 --> 00:02:10,480 How much is he adding to the collection plate? This place is going to the gods! 34 00:02:10,649 --> 00:02:13,447 Have you chosen Gordon Brown's "Desert Island Discs"? 35 00:02:13,609 --> 00:02:16,282 Virtually. I found a soft rock group from Idaho, 36 00:02:16,449 --> 00:02:19,009 to show he's culturally aware without being buffy. 37 00:02:19,169 --> 00:02:23,128 Careful. Thatcher would have served five terms if not for "Two Little Boys". 38 00:02:23,289 --> 00:02:26,599 Charlie? Can I shift me on the Ross Kemp Style Manual? 39 00:02:26,769 --> 00:02:29,602 - They want me to appear on PMTs. - Who wants you to? 40 00:02:29,769 --> 00:02:34,763 The leaders of the G7 group of major industrialised countries, in secret session, 41 00:02:34,929 --> 00:02:39,320 have decided that a crappy Channel 4 afternoon show needs your presence? 42 00:02:39,489 --> 00:02:44,165 Charles, it's fashionable to use fewer words these days - effect of text messaging. 43 00:02:44,329 --> 00:02:48,242 Researcher wanted someone from here to give advice to Prince Edward. 44 00:02:48,409 --> 00:02:51,958 Someone from here? I'm arguably more someone from here than you are. 45 00:02:52,129 --> 00:02:55,166 - When do they want me at the studio? - You can't Bigfoot me. 46 00:02:55,329 --> 00:02:58,048 Why not? My feet are big. 47 00:02:58,209 --> 00:03:02,043 Yeah. Yeah. We focus-grouped his "Desert Island Disc" selection. 48 00:03:02,209 --> 00:03:05,724 There was a feeling that three Broadway show tunes was a bit Portillo 49 00:03:05,889 --> 00:03:10,246 and the Dragoon Guards Marching Band might sound rather "Look out, North Korea." 50 00:03:10,409 --> 00:03:15,529 The other thing is that the knockout phase in the Championship will be much earlier. 51 00:03:15,689 --> 00:03:17,725 - Exactly. - Charles Prentiss. 52 00:03:17,889 --> 00:03:22,007 Right. I thought we were talking to Alison here. So what do you do? 53 00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:24,729 I suppose you'd see me as the manager. 54 00:03:24,889 --> 00:03:28,802 Alison's more the type who'd come on with a sponge and rub your groin. 55 00:03:28,969 --> 00:03:31,437 - So you follow football? - Absolutely. 56 00:03:31,609 --> 00:03:34,601 Many's the time I've watched Terry on "Match of the Day". 57 00:03:34,769 --> 00:03:37,602 - "The Premiership". - Did you see the match on Wednesday? 58 00:03:37,769 --> 00:03:40,920 - I believe I did. - I was saying to Alison, bloody ridiculous. 59 00:03:41,089 --> 00:03:44,718 Two legs! I don't know any footballer who thinks we should have two legs. 60 00:03:44,889 --> 00:03:49,121 - You find one leg more useful? - I don't know about useful, less tiring. 61 00:03:49,289 --> 00:03:51,883 Less tiring. One leg. I see. 62 00:03:52,049 --> 00:03:56,361 I think the point that Terry's trying to make is that with all the games they play, 63 00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:59,760 both home and away legs in the Worthington Cup is too much. 64 00:03:59,929 --> 00:04:01,920 - Right. - Right. Right. 65 00:04:02,089 --> 00:04:06,128 You know a lot about football, love. Did you have a lot of brothers? 66 00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:09,008 I'm an only child. I just read up on it. 67 00:04:09,169 --> 00:04:11,888 Most young people don't know their arse from their elbow. 68 00:04:12,049 --> 00:04:15,405 With Alison, you know she'll join the Royal Arse Society 69 00:04:15,569 --> 00:04:18,083 and get out a book on elbows from the library. 70 00:04:18,249 --> 00:04:20,888 So... how can we help you? 71 00:04:21,049 --> 00:04:23,768 (THEY SPEAK WELSH) 72 00:04:23,929 --> 00:04:26,045 Joe, fuck's sake... 73 00:04:31,729 --> 00:04:34,163 I wanna play football for England. 74 00:04:35,569 --> 00:04:39,244 We don't think the calendar is a bad idea, per se, 75 00:04:39,409 --> 00:04:42,207 but are you sure about all of them stripping off? 76 00:04:43,729 --> 00:04:48,644 Yeah. I know he's very keen on the idea, but has he put it to the rest of the Cabinet? 77 00:04:50,529 --> 00:04:54,204 The risk always with ambition and the desire for success 78 00:04:54,369 --> 00:04:57,566 is that it may be the devil whispering in our ear. 79 00:04:59,769 --> 00:05:03,842 That may be the first time anyone in these offices has expressed that worry. 80 00:05:04,009 --> 00:05:07,399 Forgive me. I'm a bit of an Easter and Christmas Anglican. 81 00:05:07,569 --> 00:05:11,039 I give Good Friday a miss when ITV have got one of the better Bonds on. 82 00:05:11,209 --> 00:05:15,043 But as I understand it, ABC is chosen by the PM? 83 00:05:15,209 --> 00:05:17,803 - ABC? - Archbishop of Canterbury. 84 00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,483 Young people don't always get the lingo. 85 00:05:20,649 --> 00:05:25,359 To say that the PM chooses ABC is a simplification. 86 00:05:25,529 --> 00:05:28,521 Two names are sent in an envelope from Canterbury 87 00:05:28,689 --> 00:05:31,078 and the Prime Minister chooses A or B. 88 00:05:31,249 --> 00:05:34,685 And you want to be in that envelope. How do you run for it? 89 00:05:35,689 --> 00:05:40,319 Running is thought vulgar. One lets one's name be considered. 90 00:05:40,489 --> 00:05:44,368 So why, with respect, are you hiring a PR company? 91 00:05:44,529 --> 00:05:47,521 Ah... that is not me. 92 00:05:47,689 --> 00:05:50,442 I have supporters within the Anglican communion 93 00:05:50,609 --> 00:05:53,999 who believe that God is calling me to this role. 94 00:05:55,529 --> 00:06:01,445 But that God may, in an age where the media are omnipotent, need a little help. 95 00:06:01,609 --> 00:06:04,726 Who would be your main rival? 96 00:06:04,889 --> 00:06:09,883 Lancaster's very strong. I fear him. 97 00:06:10,049 --> 00:06:13,598 Wow. It's like being in Henry the Tenth Part Six or something. 98 00:06:13,769 --> 00:06:15,805 What can you tell us about Lancaster? 99 00:06:15,969 --> 00:06:21,441 What you need to know is that people think of Lancaster as humble and simple. 100 00:06:21,609 --> 00:06:23,918 He's certainly the latter. 101 00:06:25,089 --> 00:06:27,887 You actually want this job quite a lot, don't you? 102 00:06:28,929 --> 00:06:30,920 If I'm called to it. 103 00:06:31,089 --> 00:06:34,525 We'd already had a scan, said he was a boy. I was prepared. 104 00:06:34,689 --> 00:06:37,044 We were going to stay in Liverpool. 105 00:06:37,209 --> 00:06:40,565 But this little bugger here decides to come early, 106 00:06:40,729 --> 00:06:43,527 so I get Joyce in the car, foot down to England. 107 00:06:43,689 --> 00:06:47,204 She eventually has him in a motorway service station. 108 00:06:47,369 --> 00:06:52,921 I thought we were OK until I saw "Slow Down" on the tarmac in two bloody languages. 109 00:06:53,089 --> 00:06:55,284 We were just short of the border. 110 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,440 I may sound ignorant here... 111 00:06:57,609 --> 00:07:00,123 but what's so awful about playing for Wales? 112 00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:02,359 I'll say two words to you. 113 00:07:02,529 --> 00:07:04,838 Mark Hughes. 114 00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:08,922 Finest striker in years, but because he was Welsh, no World Cups. 115 00:07:09,089 --> 00:07:12,161 Later on, Ryan Giggs had exactly the same problem. 116 00:07:12,329 --> 00:07:17,244 But when my boy here scored ten goals in his first five Premiership starts, 117 00:07:17,409 --> 00:07:19,081 I lay back and thought of England. 118 00:07:19,249 --> 00:07:22,480 I'm sorry, but we don't issue passports here. 119 00:07:22,649 --> 00:07:25,607 You see, you don't actually have to be born there. 120 00:07:25,769 --> 00:07:29,364 Vinnie Jones is a Cockney git and he played for Wales. Taffy Gran's enough. 121 00:07:29,529 --> 00:07:34,842 Yes, you see, my mam - that's Terry's nan - she was from Yorkshire. 122 00:07:35,009 --> 00:07:37,443 So tell Sven about his Barnsley genes. 123 00:07:37,609 --> 00:07:39,918 Yes, but we need it in the media. 124 00:07:40,089 --> 00:07:43,479 I want to make out how English he is before he gets picked. 125 00:07:43,649 --> 00:07:45,446 Don't need trouble with the fans. 126 00:07:45,609 --> 00:07:47,884 You don't want hooligans throwing leeks. 127 00:07:48,049 --> 00:07:50,358 So what's needed is some sort of stunt. 128 00:07:50,529 --> 00:07:54,442 Like being rushed to hospital with a severe daffodil allergy. 129 00:07:54,609 --> 00:07:56,361 Or marrying Kylie Minogue. 130 00:07:56,529 --> 00:08:02,877 - Yes. Let's keep it simple, shall we? - Righto... Have you got her number, though? 131 00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:05,005 Buggering choirboys. 132 00:08:06,169 --> 00:08:09,639 Cliff Richard... More tea, Vicar? 133 00:08:10,649 --> 00:08:13,163 Worcester Cathedral from the cricket ground. 134 00:08:15,169 --> 00:08:19,162 Thank you, Martin. Cat, what do you associate with the Church of England? 135 00:08:19,329 --> 00:08:21,320 - "Vicar of Dibley". - Good. 136 00:08:27,209 --> 00:08:29,200 And that's all really. 137 00:08:30,329 --> 00:08:34,322 - OK. Martin, you've got the focus group... - Charlotte Church. 138 00:08:47,369 --> 00:08:48,882 - Ah. - Charles. 139 00:08:49,049 --> 00:08:50,926 I was expecting Colin. 140 00:08:51,089 --> 00:08:53,557 He's prepping the PM, but he's briefed me. 141 00:08:56,009 --> 00:09:02,164 This Jamie Front - who's just won Campaign of the Year - is he someone we should know? 142 00:09:02,329 --> 00:09:05,639 I've been summoned to Number Ten to talk about my office boy? 143 00:09:05,809 --> 00:09:09,006 - That was just in passing. Water? - Thank you. 144 00:09:09,169 --> 00:09:14,801 Would you find it possible to work against Martin... and Jamie? 145 00:09:14,969 --> 00:09:18,518 Well, if you want loyalty, buy a dog. 146 00:09:18,689 --> 00:09:20,884 Work against them in what way? 147 00:09:21,049 --> 00:09:25,565 As you know, Martin and the young holder of the Campaign of the Year Award 148 00:09:25,729 --> 00:09:28,323 hope to get the Archbishop of York a prettier dress. 149 00:09:28,489 --> 00:09:32,277 Yes. They're into this thing about doing good instead of doing well. 150 00:09:32,449 --> 00:09:35,759 We want York dead... metaphorically. 151 00:09:35,929 --> 00:09:37,920 Right. Yes. 152 00:09:39,209 --> 00:09:43,999 The Prime Minister chooses the Archbishop of Canterbury. Can't he not choose York? 153 00:09:44,169 --> 00:09:46,683 The PM must choose the churchgoer's choice. 154 00:09:46,849 --> 00:09:50,046 - The front runner's York. - What's so awful about him? 155 00:09:50,209 --> 00:09:54,680 In 1996 he told the General Synod, "War is always wrong." 156 00:09:54,849 --> 00:09:57,522 Oh, Christ. You're not going to start another one? 157 00:09:57,689 --> 00:10:03,764 And, secondly, the thing about York is... he's a bit religious. 158 00:10:04,969 --> 00:10:06,960 I see. So who do you want? 159 00:10:07,129 --> 00:10:10,963 That's the job we're offering you. Find us someone. 160 00:10:11,129 --> 00:10:13,597 New Labour, New Jesus. 161 00:10:14,849 --> 00:10:18,444 (ALISON) As Terry's grandmother, we thought you could host a tea party. 162 00:10:18,609 --> 00:10:24,320 - A tea party? - Yes. Serving some typical local food. 163 00:10:24,489 --> 00:10:28,562 - Right. What do you mean by that? - Anything that isn't Welsh. 164 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:33,245 I tried to find a website, but there wasn't one. What do they eat in Yorkshire? 165 00:10:33,409 --> 00:10:36,048 You're after a big plate of parkin and wet nelly 166 00:10:36,209 --> 00:10:39,918 while we dance round the coffee table singing "On Ilkla Moor Baht 'at". 167 00:10:41,889 --> 00:10:45,245 I like to think of Christianity as Manchester United 168 00:10:45,409 --> 00:10:48,367 and Islam as Real Madrid. 169 00:10:48,529 --> 00:10:49,962 Whilst we might... 170 00:10:50,129 --> 00:10:52,359 (CHARLES) Jesus Christ! 171 00:10:56,569 --> 00:10:59,686 # If I was to say to you,,, 172 00:11:00,849 --> 00:11:04,159 # Girl, we couldn't get much higher 173 00:11:05,369 --> 00:11:07,758 # Come on, baby, light my fire 174 00:11:07,929 --> 00:11:11,001 - (SIGHS) - # Come on, baby, light,,, # 175 00:11:14,889 --> 00:11:19,201 ,, "Thou shalt not", But let's think about a religion based on "Thou shalt", 176 00:11:19,369 --> 00:11:24,318 A religion that empowers people, which is about choice rather than restrictions, 177 00:11:24,489 --> 00:11:27,606 Given the choice, people tend to choose the right path, 178 00:11:27,769 --> 00:11:30,966 The important thing is to give them that choice, 179 00:11:31,129 --> 00:11:33,802 I'd say, Susan, that God's not angry about your job - 180 00:11:33,969 --> 00:11:38,724 Mary Magdalene was a prostitute, but she stopped after she followed Jesus. 181 00:11:38,889 --> 00:11:42,006 Keep those calls coming on the Confessions Line. 182 00:11:43,329 --> 00:11:48,483 This is JCFM, London's only 24-hour Christian radio station. I'm Timothy London. 183 00:11:48,649 --> 00:11:53,928 This is one of my favourites - "O Perfect Love, All Human Thoughts Transcending." 184 00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:56,683 (HYMN PLAYS) 185 00:11:56,849 --> 00:12:01,206 Oh. Hello. I don't know you. Are you doing the pilgrimage weather report? 186 00:12:01,369 --> 00:12:03,519 No. It's Charles Prentiss. 187 00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:06,328 - How long is this track? - It's 2.28. 188 00:12:06,489 --> 00:12:09,561 If we talk over the fade-out the nuns write in to complain. 189 00:12:10,649 --> 00:12:14,324 Bit of luck you actually having the surname London, isn't it? 190 00:12:14,489 --> 00:12:17,481 No, no. Anglican bishops take the name of their see. 191 00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:19,719 A while back I'd be Timothy Londinium. 192 00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:23,120 I see. What I have to say is very simple. 193 00:12:23,289 --> 00:12:27,805 Have you ever considered becoming Timothy Canterbury? 194 00:12:31,209 --> 00:12:35,725 Look, I'm a pretty straight kind of guy. I'm not going to lie to you. 195 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:39,723 Every vicar in the country has imagined himself in the big hat, 196 00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:43,518 but I'm not a candidate this time because of the Lambeth Lunch. 197 00:12:43,689 --> 00:12:47,204 I'm sorry. I've heard of the Last Supper, obviously, but... 198 00:12:47,369 --> 00:12:49,405 Andrew Travis, who's Archbishop of York. 199 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:53,528 We had lunch at an Italian place during the General Synod five years ago. 200 00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:58,126 We agreed that next time Canterbury came up, he'd go for it and I'd support him. 201 00:12:58,289 --> 00:13:00,325 I could never rat on the Lambeth Lunch. 202 00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:05,279 Suppose there were a great wave of public support for you over York? 203 00:13:05,449 --> 00:13:08,168 I always say "Don't ask God for the impossible." 204 00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,843 Yes, but it's not God you're asking, is it? 205 00:13:23,409 --> 00:13:25,240 Julia. 206 00:13:25,409 --> 00:13:30,802 - I hope you don't mind Meccano's. - As long as my readers don't find out. 207 00:13:30,969 --> 00:13:33,802 The women here worry that the menu will make them fat. 208 00:13:33,969 --> 00:13:36,608 My fear is that it will make me look middle-class. 209 00:13:36,769 --> 00:13:41,126 So what can I and the millions of loyal "Daily News" readers expect tomorrow? 210 00:13:41,289 --> 00:13:44,247 Here are the headlines we've been working on. 211 00:13:46,009 --> 00:13:50,764 Crikey. He's going to have a hard time explaining that to George, Bungle and Zippy. 212 00:13:50,929 --> 00:13:54,638 - Can you make these stand up? - Of course not. It's a wish list. 213 00:13:54,809 --> 00:13:59,246 Well, in that case... you might consider... 214 00:14:00,249 --> 00:14:04,242 adding this to your wish list. 215 00:14:07,449 --> 00:14:09,440 "London wins Canterbury." 216 00:14:09,609 --> 00:14:13,648 - Is that rugby or cricket or something? - It's religion. 217 00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:15,606 - That's fantastic. - Is it? 218 00:14:15,769 --> 00:14:19,523 My proprietor's just started wearing incense instead of aftershave. 219 00:14:19,689 --> 00:14:21,998 - Has he? - He had a heart attack. 220 00:14:22,169 --> 00:14:24,683 In the hospital he got God. God help me! 221 00:14:24,849 --> 00:14:27,443 He's worried that St Peter will give him a hard time 222 00:14:27,609 --> 00:14:30,203 for printing five million pictures of women's tits each day. 223 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:34,362 Well, Julia, I may just be able to prove to you that there is a God. 224 00:14:36,969 --> 00:14:38,766 Read this. 225 00:14:40,049 --> 00:14:43,359 "The 'News' says the red says since. 226 00:14:43,529 --> 00:14:48,000 "There is no better man to be first Archbishop of Canterbury of the 21st century 227 00:14:48,169 --> 00:14:50,399 "than the... Bishop of London"?! 228 00:14:50,569 --> 00:14:52,605 Who the fuck's put London in the mix? 229 00:14:54,209 --> 00:14:57,167 (TV) Whatever problems it may have had with gay bishops, 230 00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:00,162 the Church of England may have its own Mr Right, 231 00:15:00,329 --> 00:15:03,799 In a surprise move in what's usually a secret process, 232 00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:07,644 Britain's biggest-selling newspaper has become involved in the race 233 00:15:07,809 --> 00:15:09,720 to find the Archbishop of Canterbury, 234 00:15:09,889 --> 00:15:13,438 The Bishop of London, Tim Spears, has put his name in the hat, 235 00:15:13,609 --> 00:15:16,442 Known to be on the liberal wing of the Anglican Church, 236 00:15:16,609 --> 00:15:19,726 the Bishop is seen as a strong contender in the campaign, 237 00:15:21,889 --> 00:15:25,962 - Do you have any ethics at all? - Now, there's a theological question. 238 00:15:26,129 --> 00:15:29,963 Surely one agency can't represent two people going for the same job? 239 00:15:30,129 --> 00:15:34,247 There must be rules. Like estate agents not acting for buyer and seller... 240 00:15:34,409 --> 00:15:37,048 Not only can you represent buyer and seller, 241 00:15:37,209 --> 00:15:41,521 but you can steal the light bulbs, pee in the sink and live in the house. 242 00:15:41,689 --> 00:15:44,203 PR means never having to say you're wrong. 243 00:15:45,209 --> 00:15:49,168 But... at the risk of sounding like your Uncle Albert, 244 00:15:49,329 --> 00:15:51,763 this is our little secret, all right? 245 00:16:06,009 --> 00:16:08,079 - What's the matter? - Nothing. 246 00:16:08,249 --> 00:16:11,559 - I know you weren't a happy girl in there. - What do you mean? 247 00:16:11,729 --> 00:16:14,482 I used to shag a deaf girl. She taught me to lip-read. 248 00:16:14,649 --> 00:16:16,640 Oh, you know Charles. 249 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,640 Last week he thought football was 15 a side, 250 00:16:18,809 --> 00:16:21,403 this week he's correcting my pronunciation of Zinedine Zidano. 251 00:16:21,569 --> 00:16:23,366 - Zidane. - Yup. 252 00:16:23,529 --> 00:16:27,807 Alison, this York for Canterbury campaign is going to be harder than we thought. 253 00:16:27,969 --> 00:16:30,437 - Have you? - Never mind York for Canterbury. 254 00:16:30,609 --> 00:16:34,079 Wales for Yorkshire is taking me virtually 24 hours a day. 255 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:38,839 - I think I want Charles in on this. - Ah. I don't think... 256 00:16:39,009 --> 00:16:43,161 - Martin, we can do this without him. - Yes. Exactly. 257 00:16:46,969 --> 00:16:49,039 A rough of tomorrow's front page. 258 00:16:50,329 --> 00:16:52,604 We're splashing on the Canterbury battle. 259 00:16:52,769 --> 00:16:54,760 York's a dork, Lanc's a wanker, 260 00:16:54,929 --> 00:16:57,841 London, though, walks on the bloody Thames. 261 00:16:58,009 --> 00:17:02,924 Having him hand out salmon blinis to 5,000 passers-by was a master stroke, Charles. 262 00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:07,719 Oh, and at your suggestion, I've appointed our first-ever Religious Affairs editor. 263 00:17:07,889 --> 00:17:12,804 Charles Prentiss, meet Johnny Todd. Todd of the God Squad as we're calling him. 264 00:17:12,969 --> 00:17:16,928 How interesting. You covered religious affairs for another newspaper? 265 00:17:17,089 --> 00:17:21,765 No. I was a football reporter for this one till the gaffer rang me this morning. 266 00:17:21,929 --> 00:17:25,524 We're going to run a voucher scheme - a bottle of water for every reader. 267 00:17:25,689 --> 00:17:30,809 They think we're being cheapskates, but the ones who apply get a bottle of wine. 268 00:17:30,969 --> 00:17:32,607 A modern miracle. 269 00:17:32,769 --> 00:17:35,761 I've had an idea, too... Here we are. 270 00:17:37,249 --> 00:17:40,958 A live televised debate between the main contestants. 271 00:17:41,129 --> 00:17:43,085 "You in the pews choose". 272 00:17:45,249 --> 00:17:47,126 - What's he doing? - It's a tabloid. 273 00:17:47,289 --> 00:17:49,359 Three words is virtually "War and Peace". 274 00:17:51,009 --> 00:17:53,728 "Pope Idol". Lovely. 275 00:17:53,889 --> 00:17:59,247 Yes. My left foot's no different from my right, but isn't Pope the wrong church? 276 00:17:59,409 --> 00:18:01,798 Listen. What I was supposed to be doing today 277 00:18:01,969 --> 00:18:05,166 was writing about the likely England squad against Albania. 278 00:18:05,329 --> 00:18:09,083 Ah, yes. I'm expecting young Terry Pine to get his first cap. 279 00:18:09,249 --> 00:18:13,879 For England? Yeah. And David Blunkett's driving him to training. 280 00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:19,203 If I asked you "Is Terry Pine Welsh?" You'd probably say "Is the Pope Catholic?" 281 00:18:19,369 --> 00:18:21,883 You'd be right about the man in the Vatican, 282 00:18:22,049 --> 00:18:24,802 but you might be wrong about Britain's best striker. 283 00:18:24,969 --> 00:18:28,439 Today on "Football Focus", we've come to meet the nan 284 00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:31,601 who may yet make Terry Pine the man to lead England 285 00:18:31,769 --> 00:18:34,841 in the vital World Cup qualifier against Albania. 286 00:18:38,129 --> 00:18:40,597 - Hello. - Hello. Can we come in? 287 00:18:44,689 --> 00:18:49,001 - Daphne Pine, are you Welsh? - No, I'm not, you cheeky beggar. 288 00:18:50,009 --> 00:18:54,048 She's right. This birth certificate clearly says "Born Huddersfield". 289 00:18:54,209 --> 00:18:57,884 Today this gets sent to FIFA Headquarters in Switzerland, 290 00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:00,040 as Terry Pine says... 291 00:19:01,969 --> 00:19:05,325 (STRONG WELSH ACCENT) I'm English and I want to play for England. 292 00:19:16,049 --> 00:19:20,839 (CHARLES) You know that a priest seeking ordination is a homosexual. What do you do? 293 00:19:21,009 --> 00:19:23,807 I could not ordain him. The rules are quite clear. 294 00:19:23,969 --> 00:19:27,518 But in a radio phone-in in June 2001, you said, 295 00:19:27,689 --> 00:19:31,807 "If a man or a woman is the right vehicle for Christ's message, 296 00:19:31,969 --> 00:19:35,041 "I'm not going to ask what petrol they like in their tank." 297 00:19:35,209 --> 00:19:38,997 We could argue all day about how many angels could dance on the head of a pin, 298 00:19:39,169 --> 00:19:43,845 but I've always tried to combine sympathy for what a person might like to do 299 00:19:44,009 --> 00:19:46,682 with respect for what the rules say they should do. 300 00:19:46,849 --> 00:19:50,888 The BBC is going to relax its guidelines on blasphemies such as "Christ" 301 00:19:51,049 --> 00:19:53,483 in pre-watershed programmes. What's your view? 302 00:19:53,649 --> 00:19:58,484 Which other business would complain when people shout out the name above the shop? 303 00:19:58,649 --> 00:20:01,447 - Very good. - Is that the right kind of tack? 304 00:20:01,609 --> 00:20:05,397 Is the Archbishop of Canterbury an Anglican? 305 00:20:07,169 --> 00:20:12,289 I can't believe he's reneged on the Lambeth Lunch. He sounded sincere over the linguine. 306 00:20:12,449 --> 00:20:14,440 Never mind. Who's Peggy Mitchell? 307 00:20:14,609 --> 00:20:19,842 It hardly seems relevant, but I buried a lady of that name when I was a curate. 308 00:20:20,009 --> 00:20:24,127 Answer like that and she'll bury you. She's one of the most famous women in Britain. 309 00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:26,962 - How much is a pint of milk? - I don't know. 310 00:20:27,129 --> 00:20:29,120 My housekeeper does the shopping. 311 00:20:29,289 --> 00:20:31,280 What's your position on gay priests? 312 00:20:31,449 --> 00:20:34,839 It's absolutely fine for them to be gay... 313 00:20:35,009 --> 00:20:39,321 so long as they don't perform any gay acts with their partners. 314 00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:43,118 No. That is the Church of England's official policy. 315 00:20:43,289 --> 00:20:44,961 Jesus Christ! Sorry. 316 00:20:45,129 --> 00:20:50,761 Oh, I'm fairly immune to blasphemy. Seems to be the way of the world now. 317 00:20:50,929 --> 00:20:55,719 Which other business would complain when people shout out the name above the shop? 318 00:20:55,889 --> 00:20:57,368 Like it. 319 00:21:00,769 --> 00:21:03,237 (JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS) 320 00:21:07,089 --> 00:21:11,526 Hello. You're probably sitting down already, but if not, I should say "Be seated". 321 00:21:11,689 --> 00:21:16,524 In this live BBC2 special, we're hosting what the papers are calling "Pope Idol". 322 00:21:16,689 --> 00:21:21,479 Taking part in a live debate, here at St Botolph-in-the-Meadows in Beaconsfield, 323 00:21:21,649 --> 00:21:24,880 are the two men believed to have the best chance at becoming... 324 00:21:25,049 --> 00:21:28,803 Only mention God if you have to. He scored low in the focus groups. 325 00:21:28,969 --> 00:21:30,960 (LAWSON)... the Archbishop of York. 326 00:21:31,129 --> 00:21:32,767 (APPLAUSE) 327 00:21:35,129 --> 00:21:38,121 And going mitre to mitre with him tonight, 328 00:21:38,289 --> 00:21:41,406 the author and broadcaster Timothy Houseman, Bishop of London. 329 00:21:41,569 --> 00:21:43,605 Remember, forget the Lambeth Lunch. 330 00:21:43,769 --> 00:21:46,158 (APPLAUSE) 331 00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:52,285 You're probably expecting three candidates. 332 00:21:52,449 --> 00:21:55,919 Unfortunately, the Bishop of Lancaster withdrew from the programme 333 00:21:56,089 --> 00:21:59,445 after a newspaper reported financial irregularities 334 00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:02,567 in a company he ran selling pilgrimages in the Holy Land. 335 00:22:02,729 --> 00:22:06,927 Bugger! I was relying on Lancaster to take out London. The Brother Cadfael effect. 336 00:22:07,089 --> 00:22:11,162 It's not that bad. London's just a spiritual disc-jockey. 337 00:22:11,329 --> 00:22:13,684 He doesn't have the kind of team that... 338 00:22:17,769 --> 00:22:21,682 Come and look at this. Recognise that? 339 00:22:21,849 --> 00:22:25,444 (LAWSON) Our audience will be using instant preference pressure pads, 340 00:22:25,609 --> 00:22:28,999 which were pioneered in Labour Party focus groups. 341 00:22:29,169 --> 00:22:34,323 Our questioners may not be the Spanish Inquisition, but they can be unexpected. 342 00:22:34,489 --> 00:22:36,684 Bestselling author, Rabbi Jacob Rose. 343 00:22:36,849 --> 00:22:41,127 Richard Leonard of the British Humanist Association, the Archbishop of Nigeria 344 00:22:41,289 --> 00:22:45,202 and Julia Stour, editor of the "Daily News". 345 00:22:45,369 --> 00:22:48,281 I'd like you, Julia, to cast, as it were, the first stone. 346 00:22:52,889 --> 00:22:57,280 The Bible tells us that Jesus Christ was of a virgin born. Was he? 347 00:22:57,449 --> 00:23:01,681 - (HEAVENLY CHOIR) - I think a lot of births are mysterious. 348 00:23:01,849 --> 00:23:06,639 For example, Chrissie in "Holby City" was unsure for several weeks 349 00:23:06,809 --> 00:23:09,687 about how exactly she had become pregnant. 350 00:23:13,289 --> 00:23:16,918 I think what I'd say... I mean... 351 00:23:18,089 --> 00:23:21,764 For me, I think the point here is... 352 00:23:21,929 --> 00:23:25,444 Look... I think we get too hung up on the idea 353 00:23:25,609 --> 00:23:30,637 that it's a heavenly lightning from one side or Joseph getting his end away on the other. 354 00:23:30,809 --> 00:23:35,803 I'm convinced there must be a third way of looking at the Virgin Birth. 355 00:23:35,969 --> 00:23:38,039 (APPLAUSE) 356 00:23:39,249 --> 00:23:42,525 Our next question is from the Anglican Archbishop of Nigeria. 357 00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:49,163 Blasphemy has become commonplace in today's society. 358 00:23:49,329 --> 00:23:52,366 People freely say things like 359 00:23:52,529 --> 00:23:56,408 "Christ, Jesus, God" and worse. 360 00:23:56,569 --> 00:23:59,129 Does that upset you? 361 00:23:59,289 --> 00:24:01,723 - (HEAVENLY CHOIR) - Not at all. 362 00:24:01,889 --> 00:24:06,405 Which other business would complain when people shout out the name above the shop? 363 00:24:06,569 --> 00:24:09,003 (APPLAUSE) 364 00:24:09,169 --> 00:24:12,798 - Bastard! That's unbelievable. - What do you mean? 365 00:24:12,969 --> 00:24:14,800 - What? - I didn't. It wasn't me. 366 00:24:14,969 --> 00:24:17,164 Caroline, scores on the cathedral doors. 367 00:24:17,329 --> 00:24:19,684 Mark, it's getting very interesting. 368 00:24:19,849 --> 00:24:22,647 I'm not sure what the Church's teaching on gambling is, 369 00:24:22,809 --> 00:24:25,369 but it would be hard to make a book on this. 370 00:24:25,529 --> 00:24:29,044 London's share is 52, York's is 48. 371 00:24:29,209 --> 00:24:33,760 But, remember, only one of them is going to Canterbury, so keep those calls coming. 372 00:24:39,649 --> 00:24:42,447 Good evening. Small favour. 373 00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:54,440 Ah, we have a supplementary question from top newspaper editor Julia Stour. 374 00:24:56,769 --> 00:24:58,885 My question is a simple one... 375 00:25:00,049 --> 00:25:02,927 and it's to the Bishop of York. 376 00:25:03,929 --> 00:25:06,602 What do your wife and children mean to you? 377 00:25:08,089 --> 00:25:12,162 It's not a question I can answer. I'm not a married man. 378 00:25:12,329 --> 00:25:15,526 I chose to devote myself to the Church. 379 00:25:15,689 --> 00:25:19,398 Although the viewers shouldn't think of you as isolated? 380 00:25:19,569 --> 00:25:24,085 As Priest Training Officer for this diocese, a lot of men have come through your hands. 381 00:25:25,449 --> 00:25:30,443 - Well, I... - The African Church asks this. 382 00:25:30,609 --> 00:25:34,966 Are there any heterosexuals in the Church of England? 383 00:25:35,129 --> 00:25:37,643 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 384 00:25:40,689 --> 00:25:44,682 - OK. We're clear. - (CACOPHONY OF MOBILE PHONES) 385 00:25:44,849 --> 00:25:46,601 Yeah. 386 00:25:46,769 --> 00:25:48,999 Have they? Oh, shit! 387 00:25:49,169 --> 00:25:53,481 Really? OK, that's a back-page splash. Stick his head on the end of a leek. 388 00:25:53,649 --> 00:25:57,767 Julia, much thanks. I hope I didn't bellow too loudly into your earpiece. 389 00:25:57,929 --> 00:26:01,126 - Charles, that was... - Proof that you can't win them all. 390 00:26:01,289 --> 00:26:05,726 FIFA have ruled that grandmas don't have enough teeth. Terry Pine is Welsh. 391 00:26:05,889 --> 00:26:08,449 What? Get the FA on the phone. 392 00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:11,726 I knew when I first heard him preach a sermon, 393 00:26:11,889 --> 00:26:14,483 Timothy London had a popular touch. 394 00:26:14,649 --> 00:26:17,243 - He's a tosser. - It's not as bad as we think. 395 00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:19,684 Charles's fatal flaw is he has to play to win, 396 00:26:19,849 --> 00:26:22,921 but two names still have to go to Number Ten. 397 00:26:23,089 --> 00:26:26,161 The Prime Minister's not going to choose some glib character 398 00:26:26,329 --> 00:26:30,641 who's changed his mind about everything he believes in just to get into power... 399 00:26:31,689 --> 00:26:33,566 - Oh. - Hm. 400 00:26:34,529 --> 00:26:38,124 - Whose side do you think you're on? - The winning side. 401 00:26:38,289 --> 00:26:41,008 - Bad business, Charles. - It's perfectly normal. 402 00:26:41,169 --> 00:26:45,162 Estate agents piss in the sink and now so have we. 403 00:26:47,289 --> 00:26:51,077 - You've lost on Terry Pine there. - Who says we've lost? It's a draw. 404 00:26:51,249 --> 00:26:55,367 If I know my soccer ball lingo, that means we go into extra time. 405 00:26:55,529 --> 00:26:59,647 If you believe this morning's newspapers saying "Naff Off, Naff Taff" 406 00:26:59,809 --> 00:27:04,246 Terry Pine will have to settle for a dragon rather than the roar of three lions. 407 00:27:04,409 --> 00:27:07,606 But the choirs in the valleys shouldn't start singing yet. 408 00:27:07,769 --> 00:27:12,638 I'm here in Cardiff with Terry's dad Dave. You have something amazing to tell us. 409 00:27:12,809 --> 00:27:16,882 Yes, Ray. FIFA say that Terry could only play for England 410 00:27:17,049 --> 00:27:19,040 if he had a parent from there. 411 00:27:19,209 --> 00:27:21,518 Well, he has an English dad. 412 00:27:21,689 --> 00:27:24,123 But that accent's as Welsh as Cardiff water. 413 00:27:24,289 --> 00:27:27,326 Yes, but it's not actually that way round. 414 00:27:30,449 --> 00:27:35,159 (TV) Still trying to inspire the England attack, but toothless at the moment, 415 00:27:35,329 --> 00:27:37,559 That shock goal at the other end means,,, 416 00:27:37,729 --> 00:27:39,799 - Isn't it dreadful? - What's that? 417 00:27:39,969 --> 00:27:42,961 That a father is so determined to get his son an England shirt, 418 00:27:43,129 --> 00:27:48,123 he's willing to admit on TV that he was cuckolded by a Cockney travel rep in Malaga. 419 00:27:48,289 --> 00:27:53,044 Tell you what's more dreadful - that a father can pretend that his son isn't his. 420 00:27:53,209 --> 00:27:55,325 So... 421 00:27:55,489 --> 00:27:58,003 Terry Pine's mother never screwed a Cockney. 422 00:27:58,169 --> 00:28:00,729 I invented him to screw the football authorities. 423 00:28:02,489 --> 00:28:07,324 I have a dream in which you're hiding my hacksawed body parts under your floorboards. 424 00:28:07,489 --> 00:28:10,799 You select the England football team, pick the Archbishop... 425 00:28:10,969 --> 00:28:13,199 No. They're two quite different things. 426 00:28:13,369 --> 00:28:18,489 Terry Pine was a makeover, but Archbishop Tim was a takeover. 427 00:28:18,649 --> 00:28:22,642 Sometimes someone's just got it and you say "I could bottle that." 428 00:28:22,809 --> 00:28:27,166 Sometimes good PR means being clever enough to change nothing. 429 00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:31,446 (TV) And again the Albanians get a foot in, That was Murati, 430 00:28:31,609 --> 00:28:35,204 Down the right side and here comes Terry Pine by the touchline, 431 00:28:35,369 --> 00:28:39,362 That's a bad tackle on Hasi, And Terry Pine's already on a yellow,,, 432 00:28:39,529 --> 00:28:43,761 This could mean a sending-off, Beckham trying to persuade the referee not to, 433 00:28:43,929 --> 00:28:48,480 A second yellow here, And Eriksson knows this is a red card for Terry Pine, 434 00:28:48,649 --> 00:28:54,804 He's sent off, And Terry Pine's England debut sadly, I'm afraid, ends in disgrace.