OK. We're going into extra time.
Injury time, it feels like. Remind me why we're doing this.
Because since Jamie Oliver turned all those juvenile delinquents into chefs,
everyone has to be seen to be rattling the bucket.
At least when I have a heart attack, I know it'll be for charity.
The trick is to go in goal.
The trick is to be so fucking hopeless, they stick you in goal. Listen up good.
Listen up good?
Volpone 1, Prentiss McCabe 3?
"Thanks to a hat-trick by ace kicker, Charles Prentiss."
Kicker isn't even a football term.
- Charles, you can't lie... - To journalists?
What would that do for our company's reputation?
Never ask a PR man for the truth
or shake hands with a gynaecologist. Professional rules.
- Old profession. Not in Kubrick plus two. - Kubrick plus two?
Stanley Kubrick made "2001". It's YPC.
- What? - Young Person's Code.
It's the difference between us, Martin - you want to understand Jamie, but can't. I can understand him and don't want to.
The best story in this rag this week is on the front page.
Haven't you won that for the last five years, Charles?
It's good to see young people coming through.
- Jamie won it for a job which you... - Some hippy thing in Suffolk?
East Anglian Wind Farms Collective.
Which you argued for the agency to turn down
on the grounds that the public didn't want their lights run by fart power.
This is the new PR. For every Premiership footballer, you represent a hospice.
- Premiership footballer? - Terry Pine. Manchester City striker.
Ten goals in five games. He's coming in this morning.
Nowadays people want to know how much you give away.
Martin, your 10.30's at reception.
- Cardinal of Yorkshire? - Archbishop of York.
How much is he adding to the collection plate? This place is going to the gods!
Have you chosen Gordon Brown's "Desert Island Discs"?
Virtually. I found a soft rock group from Idaho,
to show he's culturally aware without being buffy.
Careful. Thatcher would have served five terms if not for "Two Little Boys".
Charlie? Can I shift me on the Ross Kemp Style Manual?
- They want me to appear on PMTs. - Who wants you to?
The leaders of the G7 group of major industrialised countries, in secret session,
have decided that a crappy Channel 4 afternoon show needs your presence?
Charles, it's fashionable to use fewer words these days - effect of text messaging.
Researcher wanted someone from here to give advice to Prince Edward.
Someone from here? I'm arguably more someone from here than you are.
- When do they want me at the studio? - You can't Bigfoot me.
Why not? My feet are big.
Yeah. Yeah. We focus-grouped his "Desert Island Disc" selection.
There was a feeling that three Broadway show tunes was a bit Portillo
and the Dragoon Guards Marching Band might sound rather "Look out, North Korea."
The other thing is that the knockout phase in the Championship will be much earlier.
- Exactly. - Charles Prentiss.
Right. I thought we were talking to Alison here. So what do you do?
I suppose you'd see me as the manager.
Alison's more the type who'd come on with a sponge and rub your groin.
- So you follow football? - Absolutely.
Many's the time I've watched Terry on "Match of the Day".
- "The Premiership". - Did you see the match on Wednesday?
- I believe I did. - I was saying to Alison, bloody ridiculous.
Two legs! I don't know any footballer who thinks we should have two legs.
- You find one leg more useful? - I don't know about useful, less tiring.
Less tiring. One leg. I see.
I think the point that Terry's trying to make is that with all the games they play,
both home and away legs in the Worthington Cup is too much.
- Right. - Right. Right.
You know a lot about football, love. Did you have a lot of brothers?
I'm an only child. I just read up on it.
Most young people don't know their arse from their elbow.
With Alison, you know she'll join the Royal Arse Society
and get out a book on elbows from the library.
So... how can we help you?
(THEY SPEAK WELSH)
Joe, fuck's sake...
I wanna play football for England.
We don't think the calendar is a bad idea, per se,
but are you sure about all of them stripping off?
Yeah. I know he's very keen on the idea, but has he put it to the rest of the Cabinet?
The risk always with ambition and the desire for success
is that it may be the devil whispering in our ear.
That may be the first time anyone in these offices has expressed that worry.
Forgive me. I'm a bit of an Easter and Christmas Anglican.
I give Good Friday a miss when ITV have got one of the better Bonds on.
But as I understand it, ABC is chosen by the PM?
- ABC? - Archbishop of Canterbury.
Young people don't always get the lingo.
To say that the PM chooses ABC is a simplification.
Two names are sent in an envelope from Canterbury
and the Prime Minister chooses A or B.
And you want to be in that envelope. How do you run for it?
Running is thought vulgar. One lets one's name be considered.
So why, with respect, are you hiring a PR company?
Ah... that is not me.
I have supporters within the Anglican communion
who believe that God is calling me to this role.
But that God may, in an age where the media are omnipotent, need a little help.
Who would be your main rival?
Lancaster's very strong. I fear him.
Wow. It's like being in Henry the Tenth Part Six or something.
What can you tell us about Lancaster?
What you need to know is that people think of Lancaster as humble and simple.
He's certainly the latter.
You actually want this job quite a lot, don't you?
If I'm called to it.
We'd already had a scan, said he was a boy. I was prepared.
We were going to stay in Liverpool.
But this little bugger here decides to come early,
so I get Joyce in the car, foot down to England.
She eventually has him in a motorway service station.
I thought we were OK until I saw "Slow Down" on the tarmac in two bloody languages.
We were just short of the border.
I may sound ignorant here...
but what's so awful about playing for Wales?
I'll say two words to you.
Mark Hughes.
Finest striker in years, but because he was Welsh, no World Cups.
Later on, Ryan Giggs had exactly the same problem.
But when my boy here scored ten goals in his first five Premiership starts,
I lay back and thought of England.
I'm sorry, but we don't issue passports here.
You see, you don't actually have to be born there.
Vinnie Jones is a Cockney git and he played for Wales. Taffy Gran's enough.
Yes, you see, my mam - that's Terry's nan - she was from Yorkshire.
So tell Sven about his Barnsley genes.
Yes, but we need it in the media.
I want to make out how English he is before he gets picked.
Don't need trouble with the fans.
You don't want hooligans throwing leeks.
So what's needed is some sort of stunt.
Like being rushed to hospital with a severe daffodil allergy.
Or marrying Kylie Minogue.
- Yes. Let's keep it simple, shall we? - Righto... Have you got her number, though?
Buggering choirboys.
Cliff Richard... More tea, Vicar?
Worcester Cathedral from the cricket ground.
Thank you, Martin. Cat, what do you associate with the Church of England?
- "Vicar of Dibley". - Good.
And that's all really.
- OK. Martin, you've got the focus group... - Charlotte Church.
- Ah. - Charles.
I was expecting Colin.
He's prepping the PM, but he's briefed me.
This Jamie Front - who's just won Campaign of the Year - is he someone we should know?
I've been summoned to Number Ten to talk about my office boy?
- That was just in passing. Water? - Thank you.
Would you find it possible to work against Martin... and Jamie?
Well, if you want loyalty, buy a dog.
Work against them in what way?
As you know, Martin and the young holder of the Campaign of the Year Award
hope to get the Archbishop of York a prettier dress.
Yes. They're into this thing about doing good instead of doing well.
We want York dead... metaphorically.
Right. Yes.
The Prime Minister chooses the Archbishop of Canterbury. Can't he not choose York?
The PM must choose the churchgoer's choice.
- The front runner's York. - What's so awful about him?
In 1996 he told the General Synod, "War is always wrong."
Oh, Christ. You're not going to start another one?
And, secondly, the thing about York is... he's a bit religious.
I see. So who do you want?
That's the job we're offering you. Find us someone.
New Labour, New Jesus.
(ALISON) As Terry's grandmother, we thought you could host a tea party.
- A tea party? - Yes. Serving some typical local food.
- Right. What do you mean by that? - Anything that isn't Welsh.
I tried to find a website, but there wasn't one. What do they eat in Yorkshire?
You're after a big plate of parkin and wet nelly
while we dance round the coffee table singing "On Ilkla Moor Baht 'at".
I like to think of Christianity as Manchester United
and Islam as Real Madrid.
Whilst we might...
(CHARLES) Jesus Christ!
# If I was to say to you,,,
# Girl, we couldn't get much higher
# Come on, baby, light my fire
- (SIGHS) - # Come on, baby, light,,, #
,, "Thou shalt not", But let's think about a religion based on "Thou shalt",
A religion that empowers people, which is about choice rather than restrictions,
Given the choice, people tend to choose the right path,
The important thing is to give them that choice,
I'd say, Susan, that God's not angry about your job -
Mary Magdalene was a prostitute, but she stopped after she followed Jesus.
Keep those calls coming on the Confessions Line.
This is JCFM, London's only 24-hour Christian radio station. I'm Timothy London.
This is one of my favourites - "O Perfect Love, All Human Thoughts Transcending."
(HYMN PLAYS)
Oh. Hello. I don't know you. Are you doing the pilgrimage weather report?
No. It's Charles Prentiss.
- How long is this track? - It's 2.28.
If we talk over the fade-out the nuns write in to complain.
Bit of luck you actually having the surname London, isn't it?
No, no. Anglican bishops take the name of their see.
A while back I'd be Timothy Londinium.
I see. What I have to say is very simple.
Have you ever considered becoming Timothy Canterbury?
Look, I'm a pretty straight kind of guy. I'm not going to lie to you.
Every vicar in the country has imagined himself in the big hat,
but I'm not a candidate this time because of the Lambeth Lunch.
I'm sorry. I've heard of the Last Supper, obviously, but...
Andrew Travis, who's Archbishop of York.
We had lunch at an Italian place during the General Synod five years ago.
We agreed that next time Canterbury came up, he'd go for it and I'd support him.
I could never rat on the Lambeth Lunch.
Suppose there were a great wave of public support for you over York?
I always say "Don't ask God for the impossible."
Yes, but it's not God you're asking, is it?
Julia.
- I hope you don't mind Meccano's. - As long as my readers don't find out.
The women here worry that the menu will make them fat.
My fear is that it will make me look middle-class.
So what can I and the millions of loyal "Daily News" readers expect tomorrow?
Here are the headlines we've been working on.
Crikey. He's going to have a hard time explaining that to George, Bungle and Zippy.
- Can you make these stand up? - Of course not. It's a wish list.
Well, in that case... you might consider...
adding this to your wish list.
"London wins Canterbury."
- Is that rugby or cricket or something? - It's religion.
- That's fantastic. - Is it?
My proprietor's just started wearing incense instead of aftershave.
- Has he? - He had a heart attack.
In the hospital he got God. God help me!
He's worried that St Peter will give him a hard time
for printing five million pictures of women's tits each day.
Well, Julia, I may just be able to prove to you that there is a God.
Read this.
"The 'News' says the red says since.
"There is no better man to be first Archbishop of Canterbury of the 21st century
"than the... Bishop of London"?!
Who the fuck's put London in the mix?
(TV) Whatever problems it may have had with gay bishops,
the Church of England may have its own Mr Right,
In a surprise move in what's usually a secret process,
Britain's biggest-selling newspaper has become involved in the race
to find the Archbishop of Canterbury,
The Bishop of London, Tim Spears, has put his name in the hat,
Known to be on the liberal wing of the Anglican Church,
the Bishop is seen as a strong contender in the campaign,
- Do you have any ethics at all? - Now, there's a theological question.
Surely one agency can't represent two people going for the same job?
There must be rules. Like estate agents not acting for buyer and seller...
Not only can you represent buyer and seller,
but you can steal the light bulbs, pee in the sink and live in the house.
PR means never having to say you're wrong.
But... at the risk of sounding like your Uncle Albert,
this is our little secret, all right?
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
- I know you weren't a happy girl in there. - What do you mean?
I used to shag a deaf girl. She taught me to lip-read.
Oh, you know Charles.
Last week he thought football was 15 a side,
this week he's correcting my pronunciation of Zinedine Zidano.
- Zidane. - Yup.
Alison, this York for Canterbury campaign is going to be harder than we thought.
- Have you? - Never mind York for Canterbury.
Wales for Yorkshire is taking me virtually 24 hours a day.
- I think I want Charles in on this. - Ah. I don't think...
- Martin, we can do this without him. - Yes. Exactly.
A rough of tomorrow's front page.
We're splashing on the Canterbury battle.
York's a dork, Lanc's a wanker,
London, though, walks on the bloody Thames.
Having him hand out salmon blinis to 5,000 passers-by was a master stroke, Charles.
Oh, and at your suggestion, I've appointed our first-ever Religious Affairs editor.
Charles Prentiss, meet Johnny Todd. Todd of the God Squad as we're calling him.
How interesting. You covered religious affairs for another newspaper?
No. I was a football reporter for this one till the gaffer rang me this morning.
We're going to run a voucher scheme - a bottle of water for every reader.
They think we're being cheapskates, but the ones who apply get a bottle of wine.
A modern miracle.
I've had an idea, too... Here we are.
A live televised debate between the main contestants.
"You in the pews choose".
- What's he doing? - It's a tabloid.
Three words is virtually "War and Peace".
"Pope Idol". Lovely.
Yes. My left foot's no different from my right, but isn't Pope the wrong church?
Listen. What I was supposed to be doing today
was writing about the likely England squad against Albania.
Ah, yes. I'm expecting young Terry Pine to get his first cap.
For England? Yeah. And David Blunkett's driving him to training.
If I asked you "Is Terry Pine Welsh?" You'd probably say "Is the Pope Catholic?"
You'd be right about the man in the Vatican,
but you might be wrong about Britain's best striker.
Today on "Football Focus", we've come to meet the nan
who may yet make Terry Pine the man to lead England
in the vital World Cup qualifier against Albania.
- Hello. - Hello. Can we come in?
- Daphne Pine, are you Welsh? - No, I'm not, you cheeky beggar.
She's right. This birth certificate clearly says "Born Huddersfield".
Today this gets sent to FIFA Headquarters in Switzerland,
as Terry Pine says...
(STRONG WELSH ACCENT) I'm English and I want to play for England.
(CHARLES) You know that a priest seeking ordination is a homosexual. What do you do?
I could not ordain him. The rules are quite clear.
But in a radio phone-in in June 2001, you said,
"If a man or a woman is the right vehicle for Christ's message,
"I'm not going to ask what petrol they like in their tank."
We could argue all day about how many angels could dance on the head of a pin,
but I've always tried to combine sympathy for what a person might like to do
with respect for what the rules say they should do.
The BBC is going to relax its guidelines on blasphemies such as "Christ"
in pre-watershed programmes. What's your view?
Which other business would complain when people shout out the name above the shop?
- Very good. - Is that the right kind of tack?
Is the Archbishop of Canterbury an Anglican?
I can't believe he's reneged on the Lambeth Lunch. He sounded sincere over the linguine.
Never mind. Who's Peggy Mitchell?
It hardly seems relevant, but I buried a lady of that name when I was a curate.
Answer like that and she'll bury you. She's one of the most famous women in Britain.
- How much is a pint of milk? - I don't know.
My housekeeper does the shopping.
What's your position on gay priests?
It's absolutely fine for them to be gay...
so long as they don't perform any gay acts with their partners.
No. That is the Church of England's official policy.
Jesus Christ! Sorry.
Oh, I'm fairly immune to blasphemy. Seems to be the way of the world now.
Which other business would complain when people shout out the name above the shop?
Like it.
(JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS)
Hello. You're probably sitting down already, but if not, I should say "Be seated".
In this live BBC2 special, we're hosting what the papers are calling "Pope Idol".
Taking part in a live debate, here at St Botolph-in-the-Meadows in Beaconsfield,
are the two men believed to have the best chance at becoming...
Only mention God if you have to. He scored low in the focus groups.
(LAWSON)... the Archbishop of York.
(APPLAUSE)
And going mitre to mitre with him tonight,
the author and broadcaster Timothy Houseman, Bishop of London.
Remember, forget the Lambeth Lunch.
(APPLAUSE)
You're probably expecting three candidates.
Unfortunately, the Bishop of Lancaster withdrew from the programme
after a newspaper reported financial irregularities
in a company he ran selling pilgrimages in the Holy Land.
Bugger! I was relying on Lancaster to take out London. The Brother Cadfael effect.
It's not that bad. London's just a spiritual disc-jockey.
He doesn't have the kind of team that...
Come and look at this. Recognise that?
(LAWSON) Our audience will be using instant preference pressure pads,
which were pioneered in Labour Party focus groups.
Our questioners may not be the Spanish Inquisition, but they can be unexpected.
Bestselling author, Rabbi Jacob Rose.
Richard Leonard of the British Humanist Association, the Archbishop of Nigeria
and Julia Stour, editor of the "Daily News".
I'd like you, Julia, to cast, as it were, the first stone.
The Bible tells us that Jesus Christ was of a virgin born. Was he?
- (HEAVENLY CHOIR) - I think a lot of births are mysterious.
For example, Chrissie in "Holby City" was unsure for several weeks
about how exactly she had become pregnant.
I think what I'd say... I mean...
For me, I think the point here is...
Look... I think we get too hung up on the idea
that it's a heavenly lightning from one side or Joseph getting his end away on the other.
I'm convinced there must be a third way of looking at the Virgin Birth.
(APPLAUSE)
Our next question is from the Anglican Archbishop of Nigeria.
Blasphemy has become commonplace in today's society.
People freely say things like
"Christ, Jesus, God" and worse.
Does that upset you?
- (HEAVENLY CHOIR) - Not at all.
Which other business would complain when people shout out the name above the shop?
(APPLAUSE)
- Bastard! That's unbelievable. - What do you mean?
- What? - I didn't. It wasn't me.
Caroline, scores on the cathedral doors.
Mark, it's getting very interesting.
I'm not sure what the Church's teaching on gambling is,
but it would be hard to make a book on this.
London's share is 52, York's is 48.
But, remember, only one of them is going to Canterbury, so keep those calls coming.
Good evening. Small favour.
Ah, we have a supplementary question from top newspaper editor Julia Stour.
My question is a simple one...
and it's to the Bishop of York.
What do your wife and children mean to you?
It's not a question I can answer. I'm not a married man.
I chose to devote myself to the Church.
Although the viewers shouldn't think of you as isolated?
As Priest Training Officer for this diocese, a lot of men have come through your hands.
- Well, I... - The African Church asks this.
Are there any heterosexuals in the Church of England?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
- OK. We're clear. - (CACOPHONY OF MOBILE PHONES)
Yeah.
Have they? Oh, shit!
Really? OK, that's a back-page splash. Stick his head on the end of a leek.
Julia, much thanks. I hope I didn't bellow too loudly into your earpiece.
- Charles, that was... - Proof that you can't win them all.
FIFA have ruled that grandmas don't have enough teeth. Terry Pine is Welsh.
What? Get the FA on the phone.
I knew when I first heard him preach a sermon,
Timothy London had a popular touch.
- He's a tosser. - It's not as bad as we think.
Charles's fatal flaw is he has to play to win,
but two names still have to go to Number Ten.
The Prime Minister's not going to choose some glib character
who's changed his mind about everything he believes in just to get into power...
- Oh. - Hm.
- Whose side do you think you're on? - The winning side.
- Bad business, Charles. - It's perfectly normal.
Estate agents piss in the sink and now so have we.
- You've lost on Terry Pine there. - Who says we've lost? It's a draw.
If I know my soccer ball lingo, that means we go into extra time.
If you believe this morning's newspapers saying "Naff Off, Naff Taff"
Terry Pine will have to settle for a dragon rather than the roar of three lions.
But the choirs in the valleys shouldn't start singing yet.
I'm here in Cardiff with Terry's dad Dave. You have something amazing to tell us.
Yes, Ray. FIFA say that Terry could only play for England
if he had a parent from there.
Well, he has an English dad.
But that accent's as Welsh as Cardiff water.
Yes, but it's not actually that way round.
(TV) Still trying to inspire the England attack, but toothless at the moment,
That shock goal at the other end means,,,
- Isn't it dreadful? - What's that?
That a father is so determined to get his son an England shirt,
he's willing to admit on TV that he was cuckolded by a Cockney travel rep in Malaga.
Tell you what's more dreadful - that a father can pretend that his son isn't his.
So...
Terry Pine's mother never screwed a Cockney.
I invented him to screw the football authorities.
I have a dream in which you're hiding my hacksawed body parts under your floorboards.
You select the England football team, pick the Archbishop...
No. They're two quite different things.
Terry Pine was a makeover, but Archbishop Tim was a takeover.
Sometimes someone's just got it and you say "I could bottle that."
Sometimes good PR means being clever enough to change nothing.
(TV) And again the Albanians get a foot in, That was Murati,
Down the right side and here comes Terry Pine by the touchline,
That's a bad tackle on Hasi, And Terry Pine's already on a yellow,,,
This could mean a sending-off, Beckham trying to persuade the referee not to,
A second yellow here, And Eriksson knows this is a red card for Terry Pine,
He's sent off, And Terry Pine's England debut sadly, I'm afraid, ends in disgrace.