1 00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:05,922 (POUNDING MUSIC) 2 00:00:14,123 --> 00:00:17,752 - Nialls, Bradley. - OK. 3 00:00:18,763 --> 00:00:22,233 Jackman, Alistair. Normally one down from Jackson, Michael. 4 00:00:23,443 --> 00:00:25,240 - Not on the list. - I am. 5 00:00:25,403 --> 00:00:30,033 - Step aside, please. - Look up Jackman, Alison, please. 6 00:00:33,643 --> 00:00:36,999 The guy who does the bookings is this homophobic fuckwit 7 00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:40,394 who thinks it's hilarious to put me down on guest lists as Alison. 8 00:00:40,563 --> 00:00:43,555 People are starting to call me Alison to my f... face. 9 00:00:45,803 --> 00:00:48,636 - The guy's an arsehole. - Yeah. 10 00:00:49,923 --> 00:00:52,721 You know the really upsetting thing? 11 00:00:52,883 --> 00:00:56,319 The social-climbing bitch who knows I'm down as Alison will turn up 12 00:00:56,483 --> 00:00:58,519 trying to get in on my name. 13 00:01:00,083 --> 00:01:02,756 Damien, I owe you. 14 00:01:02,923 --> 00:01:04,515 - Name? - Larinda Gernow. 15 00:01:04,683 --> 00:01:07,402 - Yup. Name, please? - Amanda Turner. 16 00:01:07,563 --> 00:01:11,158 - Yup. Name, please? - Jackman, Alison. 17 00:01:14,403 --> 00:01:16,394 I'm on the list. 18 00:01:26,363 --> 00:01:28,558 You're being wilfully obtuse, Martin. 19 00:01:28,723 --> 00:01:32,318 Shadow Spokeswoman for Work and Pensions? A prestigious client. 20 00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:35,202 Have you met spokes-bore Joanne Standing in the flesh? 21 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:36,955 Come on, Charles. 22 00:01:37,123 --> 00:01:40,195 Charles, can we get Melinda back into the Celebrity House? 23 00:01:40,363 --> 00:01:42,797 Not unless she's prepared to break in, no. 24 00:01:42,963 --> 00:01:45,716 I'll push for Nell to be token tits next series. 25 00:01:45,883 --> 00:01:50,035 Of all the anti-Labour campaigns I could have got, I end up with the graveyard shift. 26 00:01:50,203 --> 00:01:54,037 - Old people have rights, too. - Not the right to make my life intolerable. 27 00:01:54,203 --> 00:01:58,719 Martin, this came by hand. It's unsigned. I've no idea who it's from. 28 00:01:59,803 --> 00:02:01,282 Oh! 29 00:02:02,283 --> 00:02:05,753 "Disembowels." A perfectly ordinary word. Why the apostrophe? 30 00:02:05,923 --> 00:02:08,391 - Oh, God. I should have known. - What? 31 00:02:09,403 --> 00:02:13,032 When Liz Hurley says yes to something, you think she'll turn up. 32 00:02:13,203 --> 00:02:16,673 But she won't unless you put her in a wheelbarrow and trundle her there! 33 00:02:16,843 --> 00:02:20,802 - This is to do with Gianfranco Tutti? - It could be, yeah. 34 00:02:20,963 --> 00:02:24,080 So the restaurant opening was a howling fiasco? 35 00:02:24,243 --> 00:02:25,881 Pretty howling, yes. 36 00:02:26,043 --> 00:02:28,603 Psychotic celebrity chef wants to macerate you. 37 00:02:28,763 --> 00:02:31,436 - Sort of thing. - He did learn to cook in prison. 38 00:02:31,603 --> 00:02:37,041 Martin, the solution is as plain as the as yet unchopped nose on your face. 39 00:02:37,203 --> 00:02:40,798 Fly to Naples, seek out the moustachioed grandmother, 40 00:02:40,963 --> 00:02:45,275 wine her, dine her, grit your teeth and squeeze her thigh under the table 41 00:02:45,443 --> 00:02:48,037 and she'll tell Gianfranco to stop being beastly. 42 00:02:48,203 --> 00:02:50,194 His grandmother's dead. 43 00:02:50,363 --> 00:02:55,642 - Death isn't necessarily an obstacle. - He almost certainly killed her. 44 00:02:55,803 --> 00:03:00,160 Martin, you've had my advice. There's nothing more I can do to you. Alison. 45 00:03:00,323 --> 00:03:03,918 In my office. Now. And you, young man. 46 00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,275 Oh. 47 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:19,716 (CHARLES) The Terry Venables campaign. 48 00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:23,717 I sent a questionnaire around asking for ten reasons why you'd trust him. 49 00:03:23,883 --> 00:03:27,353 - And? - Only one came back - from Gwyneth. 50 00:03:27,523 --> 00:03:31,198 - She got him confused with Terry Waite. - Were the answers any good? 51 00:03:31,363 --> 00:03:34,241 - Not bad. - Use them, then. Where's Jamie? 52 00:03:35,323 --> 00:03:37,962 Hiding from me. 53 00:03:38,763 --> 00:03:42,472 Right... Nick, I need a table for two at Meccano. 54 00:03:42,643 --> 00:03:44,634 - One o'clock. - Are we on show? 55 00:03:44,803 --> 00:03:47,954 No, we are not. I'd rather tear my own head off than be observed. 56 00:03:48,123 --> 00:03:52,674 - Table 12. Gerald Kaufmann's table. - Sounds ideal. Why? 57 00:03:52,843 --> 00:03:57,678 Because I've got a magnum of champagne looking for a dark, moist hiding place. 58 00:03:58,723 --> 00:04:00,315 Right. Nick... 59 00:04:00,483 --> 00:04:04,317 Martin and this Tutti-frutti idiot - do I have to worry about that? 60 00:04:04,483 --> 00:04:07,202 - Mm. Yes, I'm afraid you do. - Right. 61 00:04:07,363 --> 00:04:09,672 Make a note in my diary to worry after lunch. 62 00:04:14,523 --> 00:04:16,320 There he is. 63 00:04:24,243 --> 00:04:28,759 It was a terrible party. Full of stuck-up ponces. 64 00:04:28,923 --> 00:04:34,202 I did manage to chat to Brad and George, but it wasn't until we got to Century. 65 00:04:34,363 --> 00:04:36,593 You'd have hated it. 66 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:45,673 What I want, Charles, is to be remembered for having the guts 67 00:04:45,843 --> 00:04:48,880 to see this Right To Retire thing right the way through. 68 00:04:49,043 --> 00:04:52,877 Pension reform could transform the lives of ordinary working people. 69 00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:55,079 And where would we be without them? 70 00:04:55,243 --> 00:04:58,041 And it's not my fault our leader has such a fat arse. 71 00:04:59,043 --> 00:05:02,718 - He has what? Sorry? - It's huge. We call him Pork Bum. 72 00:05:02,883 --> 00:05:04,475 You never noticed? 73 00:05:04,643 --> 00:05:08,921 It's fantastically difficult not to, but I didn't expect you to mention it. 74 00:05:09,083 --> 00:05:12,393 It's mentioning the damn flabby thing at a private fundraiser 75 00:05:12,563 --> 00:05:14,519 that's got me fast-tracked to the exit. 76 00:05:14,683 --> 00:05:16,321 I was marched to the billiard room 77 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:21,113 where the Estelle Morris "I'm not up to it" press release was ready to be signed. 78 00:05:21,283 --> 00:05:25,401 I refused, of course, but it makes no difference. I'm condemned goods. 79 00:05:25,563 --> 00:05:28,282 So you've offended your fuhrer? 80 00:05:28,443 --> 00:05:30,274 Now you're interested. 81 00:05:30,443 --> 00:05:33,515 How about pet? Yeah. I think pet. 82 00:05:34,763 --> 00:05:37,277 OK. I've got pet. So... 83 00:05:37,443 --> 00:05:41,994 "Would like to meet outgoing hunk, 30 to 40, GSOH, no baggage, NS, 84 00:05:42,163 --> 00:05:45,553 "home-loving type, no timewasters." How's that sound? 85 00:05:46,643 --> 00:05:49,635 Right. I'll get that over to "Time Out" right now. 86 00:05:50,883 --> 00:05:55,035 My pleasure, Kylie. And g'day to you too. 87 00:05:56,963 --> 00:05:58,919 I keep a diary, you know. 88 00:05:59,083 --> 00:06:03,122 Ah, so that's the card you've been waiting to play, is it? 89 00:06:03,283 --> 00:06:07,435 - Don't pretend you're not interested. - Joanne, look at my eyes. 90 00:06:07,603 --> 00:06:11,073 I'm not interested in your diary or your bloody old people. 91 00:06:11,243 --> 00:06:13,313 I am mildly diverted that you remarked 92 00:06:13,483 --> 00:06:17,635 on the largeness of your leader's arse, which caused your downfall, but... 93 00:06:17,803 --> 00:06:21,796 - Let me put some cards on the table. - No. Let's look at the cards on the table. 94 00:06:21,963 --> 00:06:25,672 Who are you? Don't answer that. I'm making a rhetorical point. 95 00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:29,313 - You're Neil Kinnock. - Wrong party, wrong sex. 96 00:06:29,483 --> 00:06:31,519 Both irrelevant. 97 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:35,596 If the British public were forced at gunpoint to appoint a new prime minister 98 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:40,757 and they could choose between Jeffrey Archer and Neil Kinnock, who would they pick? 99 00:06:40,923 --> 00:06:45,314 A convicted crook and mythomaniac or a sincere and dedicated socialist? 100 00:06:46,083 --> 00:06:49,075 They'd choose Archer every time, and why? 101 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:51,313 Because Kinnock is Kinnock. 102 00:06:51,483 --> 00:06:55,999 There's something about that poor bastard that makes you want to run from the room. 103 00:06:56,163 --> 00:06:58,040 And you're the same. 104 00:06:59,763 --> 00:07:03,153 - No offence. - None taken. 105 00:07:04,163 --> 00:07:06,836 You should hear me on people I don't represent. 106 00:07:07,003 --> 00:07:10,040 - So you'll take me as a client? - We already have. 107 00:07:10,203 --> 00:07:12,671 I just needed to evacuate a small truth 108 00:07:12,843 --> 00:07:17,200 before opening the dressing-up box and seeing what could be done with you. 109 00:07:18,283 --> 00:07:22,037 - Are you paying for this lunch? - In the short term. 110 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,113 Could I see the wine list? 111 00:07:26,123 --> 00:07:30,196 Jonathan, "Willkommen Berlin" was about the Weimar Republic 112 00:07:30,363 --> 00:07:33,673 and they want to set the film on a space station orbiting Saturn 113 00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:36,755 with Britney Spears in the lead role of Otto. 114 00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:40,711 Think of your father's reputation, his dignity, his... 115 00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:42,680 They're offering how much?! 116 00:07:43,723 --> 00:07:47,033 - Hang on, Jonathan. - Sorry, Martin, but it's Mr Tutti. 117 00:07:47,203 --> 00:07:49,478 - Bloody hell! He's not here? - No, no, no. 118 00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:51,998 Well, I don't think so. Don't know where he is. 119 00:07:52,163 --> 00:07:56,122 Sounds like machinery in the background. Lots of grinding, crushing. 120 00:07:56,283 --> 00:07:59,116 - God Almighty. - I told him you were away. 121 00:07:59,283 --> 00:08:01,319 - Good. Where have I gone? - New Zealand. 122 00:08:01,483 --> 00:08:03,235 - He didn't believe me. - Shit! 123 00:08:03,403 --> 00:08:06,281 I think he might have people watching the place. 124 00:08:06,443 --> 00:08:11,563 Look, don't worry. He's still on the line. I'll deal with it. 125 00:08:16,323 --> 00:08:18,962 Sorry, Jonathan, where were we? How much? 126 00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:23,719 If I am going to do this, you'll have to allow me to sprinkle my magic dust. 127 00:08:23,883 --> 00:08:27,762 - What kind of magic dust? - I'd like to start with your hair. 128 00:08:27,923 --> 00:08:31,074 - What's wrong with it? - You've got plenty of it, which is a bonus. 129 00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:35,395 Name one prime minister who was bald? The British will never elect a slaphead. 130 00:08:35,563 --> 00:08:38,077 I hope you're not going to tart me up. 131 00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:40,916 I shall be subtle, I promise you. 132 00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:43,074 Maida Vale. 133 00:08:50,323 --> 00:08:52,439 Trinny? Charles. 134 00:08:53,443 --> 00:08:58,153 Other Charles. Listen, I need you to work your dark expertise. 135 00:08:58,323 --> 00:09:01,474 I need it fast and at a less than criminal rate. 136 00:09:01,643 --> 00:09:05,431 Female. Politician. Tory. 137 00:09:06,443 --> 00:09:11,471 Well, put it this way - you'll need to set your cement mixer to high. 138 00:09:17,603 --> 00:09:22,358 (CHARLES) Not only did I have to buy her a wine that I would only buy for myself, 139 00:09:22,523 --> 00:09:24,593 but she started to wiggle a diary at me. 140 00:09:24,763 --> 00:09:27,277 Is there anybody above the rank of dustman 141 00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:31,834 who isn't recording their dismal maunderings for the benefit of society? 142 00:09:33,563 --> 00:09:35,076 Martin? 143 00:09:35,243 --> 00:09:40,397 If you feel the commission is beyond you, pass it on to an account executive. 144 00:09:40,563 --> 00:09:43,555 I appreciate that you're in fear of your life, Martin, 145 00:09:43,723 --> 00:09:46,681 but there's no call for that kind of remark. 146 00:10:09,203 --> 00:10:15,039 - I'll be another ten minutes at least. - And then are you walking to the car park? 147 00:10:15,203 --> 00:10:17,763 I don't actually park in the company car park. 148 00:10:17,923 --> 00:10:19,914 I walk you to the company car park 149 00:10:20,083 --> 00:10:23,439 and then I walk for another 20 minutes to where I've found a space. 150 00:10:24,443 --> 00:10:25,876 Is that a yes? 151 00:10:29,163 --> 00:10:31,631 (TYRES SCREECH) 152 00:10:35,163 --> 00:10:40,874 The thing I wanted to talk to you about was I've had an overture from another company. 153 00:10:41,043 --> 00:10:42,556 Oh? 154 00:10:42,723 --> 00:10:46,921 - A very attractive offer. Great package. - I see. 155 00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:52,111 So I may not be around to walk you to and from your car much longer. 156 00:10:52,283 --> 00:10:56,162 I'm sure Gianfranco won't try anything in daylight. Maybe at night... 157 00:10:57,523 --> 00:11:00,117 - See you in the morning. - Excellent. 158 00:11:09,163 --> 00:11:12,121 (ALISON) And this is the really appalling thing. 159 00:11:12,283 --> 00:11:16,754 Of those people that work five to ten years beyond the scheduled age of retirement - 160 00:11:16,923 --> 00:11:21,917 across the board - 73% complain of regular headaches. 161 00:11:22,083 --> 00:11:25,120 Migraine probably has more impact. I'll look into it. 162 00:11:25,283 --> 00:11:27,797 - What did you come up with? - Sorry? 163 00:11:27,963 --> 00:11:29,601 Joanne Standing, pensions. 164 00:11:31,123 --> 00:11:33,114 I talked to you about it yesterday. 165 00:11:33,283 --> 00:11:36,992 You'd been on an extended lunch. You were going on about old people. 166 00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:39,961 - I thought you were pissed. - Never more sober! 167 00:11:40,123 --> 00:11:43,638 Pump some flair and imagination into it... and lose the old people. 168 00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:45,714 Isn't this about old people? 169 00:11:45,883 --> 00:11:48,443 No tabloid's going to publish pictures of them - 170 00:11:48,603 --> 00:11:52,516 unless there's been an earthquake in Uzbekistan and they're cradling infants. 171 00:11:52,683 --> 00:11:56,676 If we're going to go old, go attractive old. Think Honor Blackman. 172 00:11:59,563 --> 00:12:02,441 This needs to be addressed. 173 00:12:02,603 --> 00:12:06,835 One, the more offensive the question, the wiser your smile. 174 00:12:07,003 --> 00:12:11,121 However obnoxious the other bastard, however much he has you over a barrel, 175 00:12:11,283 --> 00:12:14,958 you know something he doesn't and you still find it amusing. 176 00:12:15,123 --> 00:12:17,114 - Two... - Should I be taking notes? 177 00:12:17,283 --> 00:12:21,481 Hands in your lap. Only use one if you have a particular point to make. 178 00:12:21,643 --> 00:12:25,272 Flap them about, women will say you're neurotic. 179 00:12:25,443 --> 00:12:27,479 Three - and this is the most important - 180 00:12:27,643 --> 00:12:31,556 use first names as soon and as often as possible. 181 00:12:31,723 --> 00:12:35,352 It gives the viewer a warm sense of celebrity community. 182 00:12:35,523 --> 00:12:37,718 Charles, really, this is crap. 183 00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:41,478 And, four, when you want to say something really important 184 00:12:41,643 --> 00:12:43,918 and you want to appear absolutely sincere, 185 00:12:44,083 --> 00:12:48,122 lean forward slightly, engage the host eye to eye. 186 00:12:48,283 --> 00:12:52,162 - That's what I'm doing. - Already we're making progress. 187 00:12:52,323 --> 00:12:54,917 (THEME TUNE PLAYS) 188 00:12:58,323 --> 00:13:03,443 Still to come, be mortgage-free for a year, and all the latest soap gossip. 189 00:13:03,603 --> 00:13:08,996 Joanne Standing, former Shadow Cabinet member, has been very quiet of late, 190 00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:12,633 but she's back as Shadow Spokesperson for Work and Pensions 191 00:13:12,803 --> 00:13:16,682 and sporting a new look, which Tarquin will be looking at in depth. 192 00:13:16,843 --> 00:13:20,631 - Who the hell is Tarquin? - Absolutely no idea. 193 00:13:20,803 --> 00:13:24,921 So let's find out from the lady herself what the new look is all about. 194 00:13:25,083 --> 00:13:27,358 (SONG: "I'M STILL STANDING" BY ELTON JOHN) 195 00:13:27,523 --> 00:13:29,514 You are joking. 196 00:13:30,523 --> 00:13:33,595 # I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah,,, # 197 00:13:33,763 --> 00:13:36,800 - Oh, Joanne. How are you? - Hello, Fern. 198 00:13:36,963 --> 00:13:40,194 It's lovely to see you. You look fantastic. 199 00:13:40,363 --> 00:13:44,436 - Tarquin, take us though Joanne's look. - I've got to agree with you. 200 00:13:44,603 --> 00:13:47,322 - You're looking fab. - Thank you, Tarquin. 201 00:13:47,483 --> 00:13:50,555 The obvious touches are a softening of the hairline. 202 00:13:50,723 --> 00:13:53,237 We've added some make-up... sculpting, 203 00:13:53,403 --> 00:13:57,237 just to highlight where the cheekbone and jawline should be. 204 00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:59,473 And accessories as well. 205 00:13:59,643 --> 00:14:03,556 - I love the ankle bracelet. - (FERN) That's the first thing I saw. 206 00:14:13,523 --> 00:14:17,675 It's obviously to do with sex, but I can't work out who's doing it with whom. 207 00:14:17,843 --> 00:14:22,155 Pop Bitch has just flagged up the Tories having some bonding jolly in Brighton. 208 00:14:22,323 --> 00:14:26,680 Hotel staff report whimperings of sexual ecstasy coming from Pork Bum's bedroom. 209 00:14:26,843 --> 00:14:29,038 - How unsavoury. - So we're having a sweepy. 210 00:14:29,203 --> 00:14:32,195 - I see. Was Mrs Pork Bum in attendance? - No. 211 00:14:32,363 --> 00:14:34,923 It's not rocket science, is it, children? 212 00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,994 Think about it. 213 00:14:37,163 --> 00:14:40,712 Man under stress alone in a hotel? What would you be doing, Jamie? 214 00:14:40,883 --> 00:14:45,354 - Given there might be Pay TV channels. - All right, yeah. 215 00:14:45,523 --> 00:14:48,833 On the other hand, is this a serious story? 216 00:14:49,003 --> 00:14:53,121 - Will be. Jamie says it's her. - Never. Could be her though. 217 00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:55,672 - I thought this one was a bloke. - He is. 218 00:14:55,843 --> 00:14:58,277 Not a bad guess. She's been dead for five years. 219 00:14:58,443 --> 00:15:02,721 - I thought she went to live in Portugal. - A not dissimilar experience. 220 00:15:02,883 --> 00:15:05,841 Why isn't Joanne Standing on this list? I'm putting her on. 221 00:15:06,003 --> 00:15:09,678 - I don't think it's her, Charles. - No, neither do I. 222 00:15:09,843 --> 00:15:14,359 But it might raise the profile of our dreary client 223 00:15:14,523 --> 00:15:17,401 if word got out that she might be the Pork Bum porkee. 224 00:15:17,563 --> 00:15:19,918 - I'm jacking into the matrix now. - Meaning? 225 00:15:20,083 --> 00:15:23,393 The Internet, Ali. I'm feeding the rumour mill. 226 00:15:23,563 --> 00:15:24,916 Good. 227 00:15:44,603 --> 00:15:46,594 I'm joined now by Joanne Standing, 228 00:15:46,763 --> 00:15:49,357 the Conservative Work and Pensions Spokesperson 229 00:15:49,523 --> 00:15:53,562 and the driving force, it's fair to say, behind the Right to Retire campaign. 230 00:15:53,723 --> 00:15:55,634 Miss Standing, you've hit a nerve, 231 00:15:55,803 --> 00:15:59,432 - Use his first name. - It's become an issue, Huw,,, 232 00:15:59,603 --> 00:16:01,002 Good girl. 233 00:16:01,163 --> 00:16:04,553 People expect to be rewarded for all their years of hard work, 234 00:16:04,723 --> 00:16:09,513 So you firmly believe that this government has seriously neglected its pensioners? 235 00:16:09,683 --> 00:16:11,878 I think successive governments have, yes, 236 00:16:12,043 --> 00:16:14,682 - if we're being honest, - Oh, let's be that. 237 00:16:14,843 --> 00:16:19,439 Some might argue that a certain matter is being made public via the Internet 238 00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:23,881 which is, in fact, highly detrimental to the integrity of your own party, 239 00:16:25,243 --> 00:16:27,677 Sorry... you've lost me. 240 00:16:27,843 --> 00:16:32,792 Sweet, sweet Joanne. That kind of innocence you just can't fake. 241 00:16:40,923 --> 00:16:44,632 I don't know. How can I tell whether my wife's having an affair? 242 00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:46,998 She shuts the door when she's having a pee. 243 00:16:47,163 --> 00:16:50,633 Are we to abandon every vestige of reason before work today? 244 00:16:50,803 --> 00:16:53,192 Cat's got this thing. I think it's pernicious. 245 00:16:53,363 --> 00:16:57,276 - "Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having an Affair." - You'd find it useful, Martin. 246 00:16:57,443 --> 00:17:01,038 Has Sarah started wearing jewellery in unusual places? 247 00:17:01,203 --> 00:17:04,400 Then there's this - page five. "Who Is the Tory Whory?" 248 00:17:04,563 --> 00:17:08,920 - "Which lovely is dating the Tory leader?" - Where's our MP, Joanne Standing? 249 00:17:09,083 --> 00:17:12,598 - Second place. - We can improve the place and the page. 250 00:17:12,763 --> 00:17:16,312 I'm still not happy with the clothing. 251 00:17:16,483 --> 00:17:20,078 On Graham Norton last night, she waded through that dress. 252 00:17:20,243 --> 00:17:24,600 The footwear makes her walk like John Wayne. Trinny always blanks on the shoes. 253 00:17:24,763 --> 00:17:28,199 Put her in heels and her arse will go off like a jelly on springs. 254 00:17:28,363 --> 00:17:30,479 Is that a good thing or a bad thing? 255 00:17:30,643 --> 00:17:33,111 Every red-top's running it, so she's in the frame. 256 00:17:33,283 --> 00:17:37,401 - Good. Good. Next? - Right... 257 00:17:37,563 --> 00:17:41,602 We don't have all the VT yet, but we open on a shot of a man walking down the street. 258 00:17:41,763 --> 00:17:45,233 He's coming home of an evening. First voiceover. 259 00:17:45,403 --> 00:17:49,362 "At the end of a long walk we all look forward to putting our feet up." 260 00:17:49,523 --> 00:17:52,959 Then his wife there taking his son from his arms. 261 00:17:53,123 --> 00:17:55,512 Into second voiceover. 262 00:17:55,683 --> 00:18:00,473 "And at the end of a hard day's work, what's better than a nice up of tea?" 263 00:18:00,643 --> 00:18:05,239 Isn't this footage from the HobNobs retro campaign 1999? 264 00:18:05,403 --> 00:18:08,713 "So why, at the end of our days, can't we expect a little reward 265 00:18:08,883 --> 00:18:12,796 "for the years of hard graft - some downtime to enjoy life?" 266 00:18:12,963 --> 00:18:16,717 Not retire till I'm 70? You must be jokingl 267 00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:20,042 - Off. - Sorry? 268 00:18:20,203 --> 00:18:22,592 - Turn it off. - We're coming to the slogan. 269 00:18:22,763 --> 00:18:24,833 - Give me the slogan. - Give us the slogan. 270 00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:30,282 Er, right. Well, Tom talks a bit more about his life and then we see the headline, 271 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:33,833 "Old Age - don't knock it till you've tried it." 272 00:18:34,003 --> 00:18:38,554 I want to give the government a kicking and you're giving me "It's a Wonderful Life". 273 00:18:38,723 --> 00:18:43,080 What we need is a horrifying insight into the cataclysmic awfulness 274 00:18:43,243 --> 00:18:45,234 of growing old under New Labour - 275 00:18:45,403 --> 00:18:48,793 The fellow in the video - it's supposed to be post-Blair despair - 276 00:18:48,963 --> 00:18:52,000 he doesn't look old enough, his costume isn't crappy enough. 277 00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:57,396 Tom is 78 and that's the uniform he actually wears, so... 278 00:18:57,563 --> 00:19:00,157 Authenticity's not a currency we must deal in. 279 00:19:00,323 --> 00:19:02,791 Give me an ancient wreck, lashed by the elements. 280 00:19:02,963 --> 00:19:06,876 "Old age - it'll happen to you" sort of thing. 281 00:19:07,043 --> 00:19:12,675 Let's feel the reaper's icy touch. Let's hear the tolling of the bells. 282 00:19:14,123 --> 00:19:16,478 Never mind, Ali. It was a good effort. 283 00:19:18,763 --> 00:19:21,914 (NICK) it's generous, very generous. 284 00:19:23,403 --> 00:19:25,598 But not enough. 285 00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:28,323 - Oh? - I also want a parking space. 286 00:19:28,523 --> 00:19:32,072 Only senior management get parking spaces. 287 00:19:32,243 --> 00:19:35,758 It's taken months of begging and backhanders just to get two... 288 00:19:35,923 --> 00:19:39,359 If I had a parking space, I could walk you to and from your car every day 289 00:19:44,803 --> 00:19:47,761 - Charles will be furious. - Here. 290 00:19:49,003 --> 00:19:50,959 Leave it with me. 291 00:19:54,243 --> 00:19:59,158 - Don't understand. - The trick is to become indispensable. 292 00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:02,042 The homicidal chef fell right into Nick's lap. 293 00:20:02,203 --> 00:20:04,717 He was perfect. Certainly had me going. 294 00:20:04,883 --> 00:20:08,762 But then Nick thought he might increase the pressure a little bit 295 00:20:08,923 --> 00:20:11,198 and that's where he slipped up. 296 00:20:11,363 --> 00:20:15,197 He got his mother to pose as a rival executive headhunting him. 297 00:20:15,363 --> 00:20:18,673 It's not a bad notion, just poorly executed. 298 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:24,156 No self-respecting PR of any authority sits in the window of a restaurant. 299 00:20:25,123 --> 00:20:27,956 (CHARLES) Argos has reported a massive run on ankle bracelets. 300 00:20:28,123 --> 00:20:31,160 This campaign should be about the issues. 301 00:20:31,323 --> 00:20:36,681 Soon you can immerse yourself in a bath of pullulating old people. Won't that be nice? 302 00:20:36,843 --> 00:20:40,233 Inspecting nursing homes is precisely what I should be doing. 303 00:20:40,403 --> 00:20:43,315 - Here we are. - You coming in with me? 304 00:20:43,483 --> 00:20:46,281 The smell of urine and cabbage makes me gag. 305 00:20:47,683 --> 00:20:49,560 (REPORTERS CLAMOUR) 306 00:20:49,723 --> 00:20:53,159 - Charles, what have you done? - I cannot tell a lie... 307 00:20:53,323 --> 00:20:56,235 Well, that was one, obviously, but I shan't tell any more. 308 00:20:56,403 --> 00:21:01,875 These good people are waiting for someone very special to arrive - you. 309 00:21:13,603 --> 00:21:16,117 Thank you for the welcome. Joanne Standing. 310 00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:20,881 (CACOPHONY OF VOICES) 311 00:21:21,043 --> 00:21:23,762 "Not retire till I'm..." 312 00:21:23,923 --> 00:21:26,118 "Not retire till I'm over 70?" 313 00:21:30,803 --> 00:21:33,681 It was a nice part, so I thought I might as well do it. 314 00:21:33,843 --> 00:21:36,198 It was a double. You've had enjoyed it. 315 00:21:36,363 --> 00:21:40,641 We toured the Far East with it. Lovely cast. Fantastic stage manager. 316 00:21:44,563 --> 00:21:48,112 - What the hell are you doing? - The directory liked my look. 317 00:21:49,523 --> 00:21:53,994 What are the chances of getting this cast, filmed and edited by the end of the week? 318 00:21:54,163 --> 00:21:59,283 We've got a rough cut - one or two sequences to do. The director's already in a hissy. 319 00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:02,913 Well, fire him. Get another one. Do it yourself. 320 00:22:11,323 --> 00:22:14,235 (SOMBRE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) 321 00:22:33,283 --> 00:22:36,275 (W0MAN) Work without leisure, Graft without reward, 322 00:22:36,443 --> 00:22:41,119 Life without hope, Is this what we want? 323 00:22:42,323 --> 00:22:46,601 Tom Dromgoole - ex-serviceman and ex-dockyard worker and engineer, 324 00:22:46,763 --> 00:22:49,277 Tax-payer all his life and now,,, 325 00:22:49,443 --> 00:22:51,399 Not retired till I'm over 70? 326 00:22:51,563 --> 00:22:56,193 I've done me bit and this is the reward I get. 327 00:23:00,883 --> 00:23:04,080 Tom will be just one of millions of us working until we drop - 328 00:23:04,243 --> 00:23:06,598 until that final bell tolls, 329 00:23:06,763 --> 00:23:08,594 Is this what we want? 330 00:23:16,883 --> 00:23:22,082 Excellent. Chuck Barber's "Adagio" on it and bike it round to all the major networks. 331 00:23:22,243 --> 00:23:24,040 Now the work starts. 332 00:23:36,643 --> 00:23:42,479 Looking at opinion polls, the Tory strategy of targeting pensioners has paid off. 333 00:23:42,643 --> 00:23:45,953 Whatever collective progress the Tories may have made today, 334 00:23:46,123 --> 00:23:48,842 that's been eclipsed by the news a few moments ago 335 00:23:49,003 --> 00:23:53,042 of the promotion of the architect of their good fortune, Joanne Standing - 336 00:23:53,203 --> 00:23:55,478 former Work and Pensions Spokesperson, 337 00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:58,476 She's been long seen as a fading star in the party, 338 00:23:58,643 --> 00:24:02,192 Today she was catapulted into the limelight, 339 00:24:02,363 --> 00:24:04,797 - Have you been watching? - Ah... Sshh. 340 00:24:04,963 --> 00:24:08,956 Yes, I'm delighted to announce that the leader of the Conservative Party 341 00:24:09,123 --> 00:24:11,683 has invited me to join the Shadow Cabinet 342 00:24:11,843 --> 00:24:16,121 to serve in the post of Shadow Home Secretary, Thank you, 343 00:24:16,283 --> 00:24:21,198 (REP0RTER) Her promotion is a sign of the faith the party has in her, 344 00:24:21,363 --> 00:24:24,116 - Well done, Jo. - Christ. 345 00:24:24,283 --> 00:24:27,081 Yeah. Secretary. Typical. 346 00:24:27,243 --> 00:24:29,393 Alison, don't speak. 347 00:24:29,563 --> 00:24:33,556 - You look disappointed. I... - No. I'm surprised. 348 00:24:34,643 --> 00:24:36,634 Go away now, please. 349 00:24:40,763 --> 00:24:44,472 Joanne. You're so unspeakably important, 350 00:24:44,643 --> 00:24:49,398 I'm amazed you don't have flunkeys in powdered wigs to answer the mobile phone. 351 00:24:54,203 --> 00:24:57,479 Dear Joanne. Are we on snogs? 352 00:25:02,123 --> 00:25:07,038 Well, I must say... you've come a long way very quickly. 353 00:25:07,203 --> 00:25:09,433 To quote the surprised actress. 354 00:25:09,603 --> 00:25:13,039 - I couldn't have done it without you. - This, of course, is true. 355 00:25:13,203 --> 00:25:17,799 But what astonishes me, frankly, is... the pace. 356 00:25:17,963 --> 00:25:19,601 Poor Charles. 357 00:25:19,763 --> 00:25:24,518 Frankenstein has created the monster and it gets invited to more parties than he does. 358 00:25:24,683 --> 00:25:29,803 Well, it would be very curious if I were to begrudge my own clients their success. 359 00:25:30,803 --> 00:25:33,237 Food, drink, money, sex... 360 00:25:34,243 --> 00:25:36,359 one cares nothing for any of these things. 361 00:25:36,523 --> 00:25:41,438 But your happiness, Joanne - you in the plural, all my little boys and girls - 362 00:25:41,603 --> 00:25:46,154 your triumph in your chosen field, your ascendancy... 363 00:25:46,323 --> 00:25:48,757 that's what I live for. 364 00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:53,439 You're looking at me very closely. Inspecting me for irony. 365 00:25:54,443 --> 00:25:55,842 Find any? 366 00:25:57,643 --> 00:26:02,080 I'll tell you the oddest thing about me - for a man doing the job I do - 367 00:26:02,243 --> 00:26:06,236 I'm completely obsessed with the truth. 368 00:26:06,403 --> 00:26:10,191 I have to have it. It doesn't matter whether anybody else does, but I must. 369 00:26:10,363 --> 00:26:13,321 - I'd like a drink. - In a minute. 370 00:26:13,483 --> 00:26:17,840 You see, I had you perfectly plotted out in stages - one to ten. 371 00:26:18,003 --> 00:26:22,599 We get to four and then suddenly, whoosh, you're at 20 - Shadow Home Secretary. 372 00:26:22,763 --> 00:26:27,473 Well, hurrah and let's all sing the school song, 373 00:26:27,643 --> 00:26:33,479 but success of such suddenness and of such magnitude, not of my creation, 374 00:26:33,643 --> 00:26:38,319 makes me anxious, Joanne, because I don't understand it. 375 00:26:39,243 --> 00:26:42,041 You launched me. I had momentum. 376 00:26:42,203 --> 00:26:47,516 They saw me whistling past, recognised in me a commodity they needed and grabbed me. 377 00:26:47,683 --> 00:26:51,278 But I was sure that Pork Bum would never be a signed-up member 378 00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:55,880 of the Joanne Standing Appreciation Society until at least stage nine... 379 00:26:59,963 --> 00:27:05,913 Unless, of course, he had already been appreciating you all along... 380 00:27:06,923 --> 00:27:09,278 in a Brighton hotel room. 381 00:27:09,443 --> 00:27:13,231 He'd made a particularly cretinous speech one night at dinner, 382 00:27:13,403 --> 00:27:15,394 so I went up to his room afterwards 383 00:27:15,563 --> 00:27:18,794 to tell him I thought his head was as fat as his arse. 384 00:27:18,963 --> 00:27:21,716 I started shouting, in fact, and... 385 00:27:22,723 --> 00:27:25,840 the effect was not quite what I had anticipated. 386 00:27:26,003 --> 00:27:31,282 He liked it. He liked being shouted at by an angry woman. 387 00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:34,241 His enjoyment was clearly visible. 388 00:27:35,483 --> 00:27:38,998 So I told him off some more. 389 00:27:40,323 --> 00:27:43,554 This epiphanic discovery in a Brighton bedroom - 390 00:27:43,723 --> 00:27:46,874 is it something that you might, in the heat of the moment, 391 00:27:47,043 --> 00:27:50,240 uncontrollably commit to your diary? 392 00:27:50,403 --> 00:27:52,200 It's possible. 393 00:27:52,363 --> 00:27:55,241 Taking particular care to record details 394 00:27:55,403 --> 00:27:59,396 that trespass into the realm of the lascivious and the downright horny? 395 00:28:00,483 --> 00:28:04,032 Regrettably, I can see that happening, yes. 396 00:28:04,203 --> 00:28:07,081 I have recently been thinking about my pension plan. 397 00:28:09,283 --> 00:28:11,274 Glass of wine? 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net