1 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,309 Hello. Prentiss McCabe Public Relations. 2 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,353 How was I to know? 3 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:32,513 Ten people mooching around a bungalow somewhere in London. 4 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,308 Viewers running to William Hill to put bets on when they might see a nipple. 5 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:40,995 I thought the test card would get a bigger audience than that. 6 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:46,553 Which is how this company came to turn down the "Big Brother" account. 7 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,910 My first job was on reception at a publisher's, 8 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:57,153 and one day this little man was bigging it up because they wouldn't let him in. 9 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:02,110 "Do you know who I am?" and I was like, "No, but you reckon you're the dog's bollocks" 10 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,316 and it was Al Pacino. 11 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,517 - Ann Robinson. - Mm? 12 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,910 Go on. What about her? 13 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,192 Well, that's it, really. Just, er... 14 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,157 Ann Robinson. 15 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:21,198 What's this? A meeting of Incompetents Anonymous? 16 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,396 Circle session, Charles. 17 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,790 Mm... no. Help me out. 18 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:30,670 The staff sit around and admit the biggest mistakes they made in the business. 19 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,308 We've all been. Come on, Charles, your turn. 20 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,118 All right. 21 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:42,316 This may sound awful... but I honestly can't think of one. 22 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:57,079 Giving judgement, Mr Justice Moscar said that there was a crucial difference 23 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:01,631 between the public interest and stories in which the public might be interested, 24 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,519 Just because Mr X was a well-known personality, 25 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:06,910 it didn't mean that he had no private life, 26 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:11,756 Joshua, a lot of people are going to find this Mr X stuff a bit science fiction, 27 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:15,595 The gagging order means that we can't tell our viewers who this person is? 28 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:20,311 That's right, It's the same for newspapers, too, And no hints or clues, 29 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:25,315 As boys, we used to read stories in comics about invisibility cloaks,,, 30 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,677 I do find injunctions take the fun out of newspapers. 31 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,673 It's like being led through an orgy in a blindfold. 32 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:36,231 A "married public figure" has prevented the publication of allegations about him. 33 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,996 Married? So we know it isn't Peter Mandelson or Cliff Richard. Who is it? 34 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,593 Barry Ascot, City Desk. 35 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,911 - Have we heard from Stephen Hawking? - Bugger passed on it. 36 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,959 He loves Grand Theft Auto but an endorsement might screw his Nobel chances. 37 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,315 Barry, it's Charles. Ring me back. 38 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:57,873 I'll swap you a rumour which might be seen as insider dealing for the identity of Mr X. 39 00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,632 Oh, I know who that is. 40 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,998 You had breakfast with the Lord Chancellor and he told you Britain's big legal secret? 41 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,628 - It was on my gossip server. - What are you using? 42 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:10,110 - Scuttlebutt. Net. - I'm on Whispers. Org. I should change. 43 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,909 When you two have finished this week's Which Website? Who is Mr X? 44 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,798 Bloke called Simon Wellington. 45 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,315 - Wellington? - I never heard of him. 46 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,358 - He's the Health Secretary! - Oh, is he? 47 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,717 - You said you were interested in politics. - Yeah, not obsessed. 48 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:27,519 On Celebdaq there was a gold rush on him. 49 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,753 - How's Jimmy Bart doing? - Going up like oil futures. 50 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,514 You've given Alison Jimmy Bart? I wanted that. 51 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,478 He's just out of rehab. We couldn't risk a party girl. 52 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,473 Jimmy Bart interviews - have they all signed a pre-nup? 53 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:44,792 Yeah. Nothing about non-prescription drugs or the fourth-former's abortion. 54 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:47,076 What did Wellington actually do? 55 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,199 - Got mugged by a rent boy or something. - I'm just into Scuttlebutt. Net. 56 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:56,229 "Question. Why is the Health Secretary now known to his friends as Wellington Boot?" 57 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,868 "Answer. Because he gets sucked off in a bog." 58 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,599 This democratisation of gossip appals me. 59 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,069 Once only I knew where the bodies were buried. 60 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,470 Now everybody has a map to the graveyard. 61 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:12,475 Well, Mr X needs help - specifically, from Mr P. 62 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,598 Yeah. I hear what Professor Hawking's saying... 63 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,949 But what I want to get across is that the ads aren't going to be tacky. 64 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,954 The tag line is "Video games - they are big and they are clever." 65 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:33,159 We've got Dr Henry Kissinger on the Shrek game, Nelson Mandela is definitely... 66 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,154 But if the Minister would admit that he has a problem, he has my name. 67 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,117 Thank you. 68 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:43,073 The Health Secretary? Not playing ball? 69 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,674 Not even admitting there's a pitch. 70 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:49,992 - This calls for the Ethiopian strategy. - Which is? 71 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,869 If you're hungry, go on television and appeal. 72 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:02,711 Ms Jackman. I'm Andy Strand. This is my first week, so we haven't... 73 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:06,919 No, but I've seen you on the "Talent Factor". They call you Arsehole Andy. 74 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,958 - Axeman Andy. - Yeah. 75 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,554 Alison, do you have Jimmy's publicity schedule? 76 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,237 This secret impromptu London gig - where will that be? 77 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,391 HMV Oxford Street on the 26th. 78 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:21,993 OK. 79 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,392 Perhaps we should find the master copies of the album in a field a week before release. 80 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,633 Interesting. We do have a tame farmer who helped us with the Harry Potter thing. 81 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,711 Mm. 82 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,589 Jimmy. This is the draft American tour schedule. 83 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,955 But I want to say something. 84 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,350 Bush is cracking down on drugs. 85 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:46,149 One sniff of possession and they'll turn you back at the airport. 86 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:49,073 Jimmy's recent spell eating hospital food... 87 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:54,439 Jimmy became ill after an allergic reaction to over-the-counter hay fever pills. 88 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,636 The label's very clear about this. 89 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:01,032 We don't want Jimmy's tour cancelled because a sniffer dog goes crazy at JFK. 90 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,553 (SNIFFS) 91 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:07,111 - Is he doing media interviews this week? - Yeah. For the solo tour and the album. 92 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:12,035 At some point before Friday, the record company will carry out a random drugs test. 93 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,350 Jimmy agrees or there'll be no release. 94 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,551 That's cool. 95 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,757 They can test my piss all they want - they won't find anything. 96 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,639 Because there's nothing to find. 97 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,638 Charles Prentiss, as a leading PR consultant, 98 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,429 what would you say to Mr X if he were your client? 99 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,036 I would say that a letter of the alphabet is a small thing, 100 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,953 so you can't hide behind it very long. 101 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:54,399 So I would say forget the "X", turn to somebody who understands the media 102 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,711 and begin the ABC of admitting and explaining. 103 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,678 Some advice if you're watching, Mr Wellington. 104 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,159 Oh, dear. 105 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:07,519 I'm only a spin doctor, but I would say you're suffering from a broken injunction. 106 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,639 We're so sorry. I have to say this is live television. 107 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,315 Big apologies to Mr X, as I ought, of course, to have called him. 108 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,471 We'll be back after this. 109 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:21,519 - (THEME TUNE PLAYS) - We're out of this ad break in two minutes. 110 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,798 Jesus Christ, Steve! Do you keep your brain cells in your scrotum? 111 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,996 We're talking to the duty lawyer. 112 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:31,311 - Meanwhile, don't even mention him as X. - OK. 113 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,556 - You were great. - Thanks. 114 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,188 You blushed. You've improved since rehearsal. 115 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:49,273 - It's very simple. I was looking for a fox. - Right. 116 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,271 Jesus. It's our own fault. 117 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:57,514 We train you guys to talk bollocks in the House of Commons and the television studio, 118 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,194 but please spare me the dispatch box stare. 119 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,638 I'm not Leader of the Opposition. I'm an intelligent man. 120 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,791 A fox. Really. 121 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,751 There are foxes on the heath. 122 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,390 It's quite a sight. I like to go there after doing my red boxes. 123 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:17,519 Simon. Simon... As the Prime Minister's Press Secretary, 124 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:22,037 you take more confessions than a priest, so I've heard the best lies in the business 125 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:26,398 and yours is the political equivalent of "the dog ate my homework". 126 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:31,156 If I were making up a cover story, I'd make up something less ridiculous than this. 127 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,710 - You had scratches and torn clothing. - I was mugged. 128 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,953 Regrettably, these two men stopped to help me. That's how the story got out. 129 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,953 Where's the selfish, uncaring society when you need it? 130 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,510 Simon, do me and yourself a favour. 131 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,989 You're gay. 132 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,478 - It's what we call a "moma". - I'm sorry? 133 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,358 Moment of madness. 134 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:58,115 That one's a bit inky. Have to think of a new one for your press release. 135 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:03,991 Minute of misjudgement. Flash of... Well, maybe not flash, but whatever. 136 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:09,632 Look, call me a leaker, call me a plotter, call me anti-European, but I'm not gay. 137 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:14,078 Simon, you probably think that being gay is the wrong answer, 138 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,470 which is why you're lying, 139 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,995 but it's the right answer. 140 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,152 The PM's got most of the country now, 141 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,676 but even after a couple of gay Cabinet ministers... 142 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,833 the pink flag doesn't exactly flap for him. So... 143 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,310 We're going to appoint a minister for fudge packers and muff divers - 144 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,358 as the electorate will learn to stop calling them - 145 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,750 except we can't find a gay minister. 146 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,912 - Well, what about? - Mandelson won't take it. 147 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,877 Stereotyping. 148 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,600 But then look what the fox dragged in. 149 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,838 I'm not gay. 150 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,553 Simon, you have 48 hours to decide. 151 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,917 "Out and proud" is the press release I'm planning. 152 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,751 If you're out, you're in, and if you're in... 153 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,079 you're out. 154 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,553 Both "Hello" and "OK" have passed 155 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,030 on the exclusive of Michael and Catherine renewing their vows. 156 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,997 As you say, for obvious reasons. 157 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:24,029 But there's definite interest on a photo-feature on their second honeymoon. 158 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,679 "Saga Magazine". 159 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,308 (DOOR BUZZES) 160 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,472 ("SIMPSONS" THEME ON TV) 161 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,552 - Mr Prentiss? - Indeed. Why don't you come up? 162 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:50,156 - Ah... Mr Wellington. - How do you do? 163 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:04,669 Priestly offered to make me some kind of Secretary of State for Same Sexes. 164 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:09,152 Really? Out of the closet into the Cabinet. He's good, you know. 165 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:14,358 In fact, he's the only person, apart from myself, I've ever dreamt of being. 166 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,034 Because he's the only PR guy as good as you? 167 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,190 Almost as good. 168 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,716 As if someone would pretend to be queer to be a privy councillor. 169 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,952 Well, for centuries men pretended to be straight for power. 170 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,556 There's something so cutting edge about flipping it. 171 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,756 But you definitely said no to Priestly? 172 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,071 Yes. I couldn't live a lie, Charles. I'm not gay. 173 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:40,836 Oh, I see. In that case, we've been rather off-piste, haven't we? 174 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,798 So perhaps you should tell me 175 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,839 what you say took place in Hampstead Heath that night 176 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,036 at one o'clock in the morning. 177 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,668 Urban foxes? 178 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:56,276 Yes. It's the only defence Wellington Boot will wear. 179 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,271 By the time you and I have finished, 180 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,796 the English upper classes will be taking foxes for walks on a lead 181 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,951 instead of chasing them across fields. 182 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,873 I always like to record it myself for our records. 183 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:13,079 Whatever. When I did Robbie Williams I forgot to put the batteries in 184 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,312 - and the media mummies have hours. - Media mummy? 185 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,835 Jimmy, before we do the heavy blah blah, 186 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,390 we're running this new slot, Celebrity Washbag... 187 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,597 Hold on. Celebrity Washbag wasn't in the pre-nup, Shanti. 188 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,309 Yeah. It was like this morning's brainstormer. 189 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,471 (SNIFFING) Sorry. 190 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,309 Oh, sorry, Shanti. It's just the um... 191 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,950 It's just the hay fever. 192 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:44,237 I can't take anything for it now. Not even homeopathic shit. 193 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:48,678 In the clinic, they told me that the stuff you get in Boots can be as bad as Class A. 194 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,116 Though all that Jimmy knows about Class A drugs himself 195 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,909 is that when he was in Plasticine Donkey before he went solo, 196 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,072 there were other people in the band known to have used them. 197 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,800 Media mummy knows best. 198 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,918 All I've got in my washbag is a toothbrush and a razor. 199 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,718 - Can we go off the record? - Whatever. 200 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,873 Thanks. Jimmy, my agency's representing the agency's Safe Sex campaign 201 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:16,635 and I was wondering if maybe in your washbag... 202 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,758 No way. Diss it, missus. 203 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:23,196 Never use skins. It's like having a shower with your coat on. 204 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:25,920 I'm a blister pack girl. 205 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:31,430 - I think the record company would like it. - OK, media mummy. 206 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,311 These days all I have in my washbag 207 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,517 - is a toothbrush and a wrap of skins. - Pack of condoms. 208 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,798 Thank you. 209 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:47,238 I'm having trouble with Barrymore. Being on cable makes him feel like a failure. 210 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,437 - He is a failure. - I know, but what can I say to him? 211 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:55,071 I bought one of those self-help paperbacks once and it had this line in it. 212 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,356 "Failure may seem like a dead end, 213 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:01,069 "but it's really the slip-road to the freeway of dreams." 214 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,913 But that's bollocks. I can't just tell my client bollocks. 215 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,718 That's your job. 216 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,638 But with the greatest respect, Mr McCabe, 217 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:25,999 most people simply do not believe that the Health Secretary was looking for foxes. 218 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,470 Absolutely, Kirsty, and I must say I was sceptical myself, 219 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,756 but I have talked to a number of experts, 220 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,673 including the president of the London Fox Club - 221 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,796 a world authority on foxes - 222 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,316 and he assures me that in the greener parts of the metropolis, 223 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,835 fox spotting is the new kite flying. 224 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,912 He puts it down, very largely, to eating disorders. 225 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,071 What, foxes get bulimia? 226 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:52,836 No, no... I think you may be putting words in my mouth there, Kirsty. 227 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:57,835 No, it's a question of the fact that we leave too much food - all of us do - 228 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:03,472 and from the fox's point of view, why bother to dig up Farmer Giles' hen coop 229 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:08,236 when there's half a ton of organic chicken parmigiano lying about all over Hampstead. 230 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,834 But let's face it, Mr McCabe, 231 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:16,438 most men on Hampstead Heath at one o'clock in the morning are not looking for foxes. 232 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,592 Well, that may be, and that is my point, Kirsty. 233 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,876 It is the men you have just referred to 234 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:26,750 who are giving the normal, nocturnal, urban fox spotter a bad name. 235 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,115 In the same way, we know, of course, 236 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,874 that some male public conveniences have a... 237 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:35,271 what could be called a sociological as well as a urological role, 238 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:39,115 but that doesn't mean that there aren't men in these conveniences 239 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,840 who are simply having a pee. 240 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:57,753 There's always a scene in movies where the top cop and the big villain finally meet. 241 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:02,072 - Colin Priestly. - Maybe I should wash my hands. 242 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,277 The profession we're in, I'd wash them afterwards. 243 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:10,072 - I really admire your work. - Thank you. 244 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:14,119 Though I have to say, Charles, on the Simon Wellington business... 245 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:18,512 When Mr X was unmasked on television, you set that up, didn't you? 246 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,513 I'm told that scenario has been floated on some websites, yes. 247 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,353 It's an interesting spin on events, isn't it? 248 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:32,309 You know, I sometimes think we over-complicate this job. Don't you? 249 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,073 Charles, you and I know perfectly well 250 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,358 that Wellington was playing dick-sticks on Hampstead Heath that night, 251 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:44,274 but the whole Basil Brush stunt's just been brilliant. 252 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,034 You know what my kids said to me at breakfast? 253 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,430 "Daddy, can we have a fox?" 254 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,795 I thought, "Colin, you've met your match." 255 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,032 I was really quite down... till I saw this. 256 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:05,039 It's just some sketch about Wellington on the heath with a man. 257 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,839 This kind of stuff can't hurt us now. 258 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:11,197 It's not a sketch, it's a transcript. 259 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:15,035 The blokes who helped Wellington that night weren't passers-by, 260 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,760 they were hacks for the "Daily News". 261 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,990 Been following him around. 262 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,390 Aiming their sound gun at the oak trees. 263 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:27,871 Did the newspapers give you this or did you give this to the newspapers? 264 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:33,273 You're so suspicious, Charles. I sometimes think we over-complicate this job. Don't you? 265 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,151 If they had this at the beginning, 266 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,949 why did they let us play the Fantastic Mr Fox for four days? 267 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,315 Ah, I see what you're getting at, but no - 268 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,597 the delay makes it more likely that this is true. 269 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:59,072 The tabloids won't shoot you in the back if they can get a better angle on your head. 270 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:03,791 Showing that you're a liar now is a better story than last week. 271 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,509 - They've held this up. - The shitting shits! 272 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,677 Listen... 273 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,752 When "Two Brains" Willetts got into a mess over that memo, 274 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:20,597 her argued that the world "wants" meant "lacks" in the sense Jane Austen used it. 275 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:25,038 Yes, but I'm not sure it would be helpful to argue that you "lacked" a blowjob. 276 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,749 No. No sensible man would try to spin this transcript. 277 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:33,072 But, luckily, this company employs two brains. 278 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,312 This isn't happening and I'm not saying what I'm saying. 279 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,155 Treat this as a little deep background advice. 280 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,995 We've all played Chinese Whispers and I simply remind you 281 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:49,393 that all a litigious man - and we all know that Mr Wellington is nothing if not that... 282 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,189 All a litigious man has to do is to convince a jury 283 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:57,876 that some of the phrases in this transcript bear a second meaning - 284 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,600 as opposed, of course, to a double meaning. 285 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:06,630 OK. What's the double... I mean, second meaning of that? 286 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,030 Well, this raises the precise point. 287 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,751 A sound gun on a windy night struggles to distinguish between two words 288 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,593 which fall similarly on the ear. 289 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,593 Is it possible that the Minister is saying here, 290 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,594 "What's a boy to do to get a fox round here?" 291 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:28,390 Referring, quite reasonably, to the very quarry that's brought him to the heath. 292 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:33,509 Third page, four lines from the bottom. Four-letter word beginning "C-O". 293 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:38,470 Well, my thought again... Could this be a five-letter word beginning "C-O"? 294 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,710 - Which would be? - Copse. 295 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,714 "I like a really big copse." 296 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,919 The other fox spotter is alluding to an area of woodland 297 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,957 in which the animals might gather. 298 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:02,468 (COLIN) Writing a letter of resignation's always a poignant task... 299 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,996 and I've taken particular care with yours. 300 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,390 This letter is dated and timed 9 a.m. Tomorrow. 301 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:14,712 How thoughtful. Giving the condemned man time to eat a hearty breakfast. 302 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,395 Simon, I'm offering you a seat in the Cabinet. 303 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,872 As the song so nearly goes, "What a difference a gay makes." 304 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,311 Jimmy, this is Liz De La Mare. 305 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:28,959 - Elizabeth. - Elizabeth. 306 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:33,557 - Of the "Observer". - Oh. "Observer" eh? Respect. 307 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:37,474 I've spent all week talking to "Your First Bra" and fanzines. 308 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:40,871 Elizabeth, you didn't send the form back. 309 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,873 No. I don't sign pre-nups. Journalistic ethics. 310 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,634 You more or less called Mother Teresa a lesbian. 311 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,633 It's a bit late to be going for the Pulitzer Prize. 312 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,759 If I sign my name on that letter, they'll be the only two words I'll write. 313 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,990 (JIMMY SNIFFS) 314 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,431 Yeah. "Vasectomy of the Soul" was the best album Plasticine Donkey ever made. 315 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:06,388 In fact, it's probably the best album that anyone's ever made. 316 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,916 - Jimmy, could you take your glasses off? - Who's asking? 317 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:14,278 - I'm asking. - Bollocks! The CIA told you, didn't they? 318 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,790 But it's fine... 319 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,837 'cause I'm wearing false eyes. 320 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,916 (SNIFFS) 321 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,196 (MOBILE RINGS) 322 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,148 - Jamie. - Jamie, it's Alison, 323 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,788 Hello, Alison. Qué passe? 324 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,235 There may be a problem with Bart, 325 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,436 I don't know anyone who takes drugs, 326 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:40,673 but he's just asked me to ask the hotel manager to stop it raining, 327 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,876 Does that mean he's back on the stuff? 328 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:48,637 Mm. That could be just pop star ego. Top end, admittedly, but possible. 329 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,109 OK. I'll give you a quick checklist. 330 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:56,274 The government will get rid of me if I'm not gay and my wife will get rid of me if I am. 331 00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:01,389 Simon, I'm going to suggest a solution which may shock you as a politician. 332 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,232 Hypocrisy. 333 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:07,632 You'd be a minister for gays who really, in secret, was straight. 334 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,314 Well, stop all the clocks. 335 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,392 We have a Defence Secretary who used to march for CND, 336 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,552 a Culture Secretary who thinks Picasso can't do faces 337 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,917 and if the Chancellor forgets his calculator the pound collapses. 338 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,595 You're very good at this. You should have gone into politics. 339 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,389 They did ask, but I wanted to work where the real power and money lay. 340 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:32,797 I'll... I'll talk to my wife. 341 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:37,509 Ticks for self-obsession, paranoia, dilated pupils and fast speech, 342 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:41,229 plus he's sniffing like his nostrils have got a sponsorship deal. 343 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:45,234 A doctor's about to turn up with a specimen bottle. We're finished. 344 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,915 Not necessarily. OK. There's this masking agent. 345 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:53,119 It's big in the banks in New York. They take it on a Monday morning. 346 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,316 Great. Where can I get it? 347 00:22:55,480 --> 00:23:00,634 You're going to have to score some. Its street name, I think, is Charlie Tippex. 348 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,109 (KEYS TAP) 349 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,239 Colin. 350 00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:27,113 I don't think you'll be needing that any more. 351 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:31,637 - Sorry. You're too late, mate. - What? 352 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:35,395 - Bugger! Who is it? - He wouldn't say, 353 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:40,509 All he said was, "One of my colleagues suddenly remembered that he likes men." 354 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:44,958 So now he takes your gay seat on the Cabinet. But who? 355 00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:47,111 None of the obvious ones, apparently, 356 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,874 John Prescott's not wearing nipple rings? 357 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,395 When would I see him without his shirt? 358 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:01,757 (BUZZER) 359 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:10,111 - Hi. - Hi. 360 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,268 I'm looking for Charlie Tippex. 361 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,876 - Are you? - Yeah. 362 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:29,358 - I'm not sure if I'm at the right place. - This is Line Up. 363 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:34,230 - Right. And what exactly do you do? - Who are you, Princess Anne? 364 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,914 - Er, no. - What does it look like? 365 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,594 It looks like a TV production company. 366 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,514 Well, that's what we are, then. 367 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:47,871 - Right. - Did someone send you? 368 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,555 - Jamie Front gave me the address. - OK. 369 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,998 First, it's not called Charlie Tippex now - the manufacturer objected. 370 00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:00,517 - It's Snow Blind. How much do you want? - Oh, I don't know. A couple of pounds. 371 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,353 - Right. That'll be £30,000. - Right. 372 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,034 But we do take all major credit cards. 373 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,316 No, I was... 374 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:12,234 - A couple of grams. Is it for Jamie? - No. It's for a friend of mine. 375 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:17,150 Well, tell your friend that it's all about balance. 376 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:22,314 The ratio has to be exact. One part Snow Blind for every five parts Charlie taken. 377 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,279 Right. 378 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:28,112 Good. 379 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:34,351 - Water, Jimmy? - Ta. 380 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,671 - (KNOCKING) - I'm Dr Dunn. 381 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:43,276 I think you're expecting me. No, please... Finish your water. 382 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,351 The more goes down, the more comes out. 383 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,919 (SOUND OF URINATING) 384 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:58,115 - Jimmy, was the test OK? - Yeah. Piece of piss. 385 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,317 (CHARLES) Those offers just came in for you this morning. 386 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:15,155 Yes... Gay radio stations 387 00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:20,075 and beer ads where the joke is what a failure you are. No, thank you. 388 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:24,028 Mellor and Portillo made far more money out of office than in. 389 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:29,149 In a year you could be splashing Priestly's face with the wake from your yacht. 390 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:35,671 I'm sorry to lose your company's commission, Charles, 391 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,071 but I'm not taking jobs predicated on what a flop I am. 392 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:43,870 Simon, I know failure must seem like a dead end... 393 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,919 but it could be a slip-road onto the freeway of dreams. 394 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:53,115 That's complete bollocks, isn't it? 395 00:26:55,760 --> 00:27:00,993 OK. Ann Robinson is now my second biggest mistake. 396 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:04,391 My biggest mistake, I think, was not to realise 397 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:10,317 that being really, really, really, really careful doesn't work necessarily 398 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,278 if someone else is being really careful as well. 399 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,468 It's kind of what I want to say. 400 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:22,714 - What... is it about, like, contraception? - No. 401 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,953 It's about not spiking a rock star's drink with Snow Blind when he's taken it already, 402 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,874 so he's negative for drugs, but almost dies from an overdose of masking agent. 403 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:37,753 We haven't heard a confession from you, Jamie. 404 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,274 OK, Ali. Um... 405 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,716 My biggest regret is that... 406 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:50,159 I didn't drag Charles in here to confess to screwing up the Wellington case. 407 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:04,391 There are some things in life you just can't deny, 408 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:08,075 Trust me - this is the best beer in the world.