1 00:00:01,025 --> 00:00:04,813 You were so unadventurous. You should have tried those fish cakes. 2 00:00:04,985 --> 00:00:08,500 - Fish cakes, yeah. - I think you should try everything once. 3 00:00:08,665 --> 00:00:12,101 - Once, yeah. - Do I have your complete attention? 4 00:00:12,265 --> 00:00:13,903 Aagh! 5 00:00:16,465 --> 00:00:19,184 - Gareth! - Don't worry, Aria. I've got him. 6 00:00:19,345 --> 00:00:20,824 Anthea. 7 00:00:32,745 --> 00:00:34,542 Blood. I feel sick. 8 00:00:34,705 --> 00:00:37,617 Sometimes, Gareth, you have to suffer to be beautiful. 9 00:00:37,785 --> 00:00:39,855 - Give me the bag. - No, wait. 10 00:00:40,025 --> 00:00:43,904 The "Telegraph" and the "Standard" are both strangers to sudden movement. 11 00:00:44,065 --> 00:00:47,614 Give them time, then saunter out like you're Russell Crowe. 12 00:00:47,785 --> 00:00:50,140 Saunter, Gareth. Don't waddle. 13 00:00:50,305 --> 00:00:52,819 Give it the full boom-shacka-lacka, yeah? 14 00:00:54,585 --> 00:00:56,064 Oh, Gawd. 15 00:01:17,505 --> 00:01:21,180 You are one hell of a tough guy, Gary Hunt. 16 00:01:21,345 --> 00:01:24,382 - Gareth. - Go for the broadsheets, Anthea! 17 00:01:33,705 --> 00:01:37,823 Banging the gong for hunting with hounds one minute, bloody footpaths the next. 18 00:01:37,985 --> 00:01:39,737 It's all such a muddle. 19 00:01:39,905 --> 00:01:43,944 - This Welsh fellow, MP for Henley... - Johnson's not Welsh, is he? 20 00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:47,461 Comic grotesque. Couldn't find his arse with a guide book. 21 00:01:47,625 --> 00:01:49,934 How can he help the poor bugger on the tractor? 22 00:01:50,105 --> 00:01:52,335 God help you if you need an ambulance. 23 00:01:52,505 --> 00:01:57,420 My spleen's on the blink. I hardly dare go back to Chippenham. 24 00:01:57,585 --> 00:02:02,295 - One can't afford to die in Wiltshire. - Country people have no voice. 25 00:02:02,465 --> 00:02:07,698 We're drifting, gentlemen... rudderless, towards extinction. 26 00:02:08,745 --> 00:02:10,895 What's your view, Martin? 27 00:02:11,065 --> 00:02:13,101 In all the years you've represented me, 28 00:02:13,265 --> 00:02:17,816 I've never quite got a handle on you and rural affairs. 29 00:02:17,985 --> 00:02:21,341 Essentially, Ronnie, I think... yes. 30 00:02:21,505 --> 00:02:24,338 There is a great crisis in the country - 31 00:02:24,505 --> 00:02:28,020 or countryside as we're obliged to call it now. 32 00:02:28,185 --> 00:02:32,701 It's time someone stuck their standard in the sod and said, "Enough!" 33 00:02:33,825 --> 00:02:36,100 The land is the heart of the nation. 34 00:02:36,265 --> 00:02:41,214 Treat it and the men who care for it with the greatest respect or... 35 00:02:42,185 --> 00:02:45,063 suffer the consequences. 36 00:02:49,825 --> 00:02:53,022 Well, I think you're the man for us. 37 00:02:54,025 --> 00:02:57,256 Oh, am I really? That's handy. 38 00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:00,983 Jolly good. 39 00:03:01,985 --> 00:03:05,580 You should have seen me, Charles, how I reeled them in. 40 00:03:05,745 --> 00:03:08,339 I had that glassy, unfocused look. You know? 41 00:03:08,505 --> 00:03:10,302 Oh, I do. 42 00:03:10,465 --> 00:03:14,140 You're looking at me with the air of a man refusing an overdraft. 43 00:03:14,305 --> 00:03:19,379 Roddy Growse and the utter unreconstructed stiffs of Upper Brook Street? 44 00:03:19,545 --> 00:03:22,264 The utter unreconstructed rich stiffs. 45 00:03:22,425 --> 00:03:25,576 The Real Country Union - a new political party. 46 00:03:25,745 --> 00:03:29,135 Roddy's not in charge. They're fielding Harry Harcourt. 47 00:03:29,305 --> 00:03:32,217 - Oh, God! - What? 48 00:03:32,385 --> 00:03:34,694 Martin, if I may casually ejaculate, 49 00:03:34,865 --> 00:03:38,778 Roddy Growse is an author of political thrillers. He is not a politician. 50 00:03:38,945 --> 00:03:43,223 Lord Harcourt is an old imbecile who sits with his arse in a bucket of cream 51 00:03:43,385 --> 00:03:47,697 at his estate in Oxfordshire, writing letters to the "Times" about voles. 52 00:03:47,865 --> 00:03:50,538 Harcourt and his party are now our clients. 53 00:03:50,705 --> 00:03:53,777 Fighting for the unfetterment of the farmer in the field. 54 00:03:53,945 --> 00:03:56,937 - Saucy alliteration. - "Unfetterment" is not a word. 55 00:03:57,985 --> 00:03:59,976 - This is excellent. - Not bad, is it? 56 00:04:00,145 --> 00:04:02,101 He's never going to be Pierce Brosnan. 57 00:04:02,265 --> 00:04:04,938 Jamie, must you broadcast to the world 58 00:04:05,105 --> 00:04:07,539 exactly where you stick your colossal salary? 59 00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:12,938 In at the start. Prentiss McCabe can put its imprimatur on this one from the top. 60 00:04:13,105 --> 00:04:16,654 - We are doing the job. - So it would seem. 61 00:04:16,825 --> 00:04:18,543 So what's the foreplay? 62 00:04:18,705 --> 00:04:22,334 - It's er... What is it, Jamie? - A phase one chemistry meet. 63 00:04:22,505 --> 00:04:23,904 One of those. 64 00:04:24,065 --> 00:04:27,262 No, we're really not being obstructive. Honestly. 65 00:04:27,425 --> 00:04:32,101 No. We just think that entering a Peter Stringfellow lookalike contest 66 00:04:32,265 --> 00:04:34,904 won't necessarily bring you closer to the people. 67 00:04:35,065 --> 00:04:39,934 And I must say, I think the palace will take a rather dim view on it, Mrs Parker-Bowles. 68 00:04:40,905 --> 00:04:46,218 Gentlemen. Now... One of you I've met before and the other one has the brains. 69 00:04:46,385 --> 00:04:48,535 Which is which? You must be Jimmy. 70 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:52,015 Charles, sir. A bit like Jimmy, but all the letters are different. 71 00:04:52,185 --> 00:04:54,745 You'll have to speak up. I've got aids in both ears. 72 00:04:54,905 --> 00:04:57,578 I said... You've got what? 73 00:04:57,745 --> 00:05:00,418 What's a fellow have to do to get a bloody drink? 74 00:05:00,585 --> 00:05:05,659 - Harry? Harry. We're in the agency now. - I'm deaf, Roddy, not stupid. 75 00:05:05,825 --> 00:05:09,704 I want to know if they have the wherewithal to wet my tyrannous whistle. 76 00:05:09,865 --> 00:05:13,540 I'm sure we have. I was just saying to Tit Face here, my partner, 77 00:05:13,705 --> 00:05:16,265 it would be a good idea to have some champagne. 78 00:05:16,425 --> 00:05:18,859 Champagne makes me fart. I'll drink beer. 79 00:05:19,025 --> 00:05:22,734 - Absolutely. Alison? - It doesn't do that to me. 80 00:05:24,105 --> 00:05:29,304 (LAUGHS) Sorry, I... I'd love some champagne if you're opening it. 81 00:05:29,465 --> 00:05:31,376 - Thanks. - Fetch some beer. 82 00:05:31,545 --> 00:05:33,615 Right. Yup. Good. 83 00:05:35,425 --> 00:05:39,816 Harry, let's go to my office. Charles has some rather clever ideas to share. 84 00:05:39,985 --> 00:05:42,260 Who's Charles? 85 00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:45,781 He's Charles? Why did he tell me his name was Jimmy? 86 00:05:47,745 --> 00:05:50,054 Martin, you made this bed... 87 00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,739 prepare to eat it. 88 00:05:52,905 --> 00:05:56,739 For three generations, country people have been taking it up the arse - 89 00:05:56,905 --> 00:05:59,658 saving your presence, my dear - from ministry men 90 00:05:59,825 --> 00:06:03,704 who'd burst into tears if they were left alone in a field with a cow. 91 00:06:04,705 --> 00:06:06,696 Talk to the people who work the land. 92 00:06:06,865 --> 00:06:10,540 There's only the dimmest flicker of hope left in them. 93 00:06:10,705 --> 00:06:16,177 Our task, gentlemen, is to coax that flicker to a life-sustaining blaze. 94 00:06:16,345 --> 00:06:20,941 Are you fit for it? "Have the best or go without", my father used to say. 95 00:06:21,105 --> 00:06:24,700 I'm told that you two are undoubtedly the best. 96 00:06:25,705 --> 00:06:27,980 Are you good enough for us? 97 00:06:28,145 --> 00:06:32,423 No. The question is are you good enough for us? 98 00:06:32,585 --> 00:06:36,783 - How much do you pay the estate carpenter? - None of your damn business. 99 00:06:36,945 --> 00:06:40,062 It will be if you found this party - everybody's business. 100 00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:43,695 The truth is you don't even know yourself, do you? 101 00:06:43,865 --> 00:06:48,302 - I suppose you're all fox hunters. - Oh, no. Hunting's a lost cause. 102 00:06:48,465 --> 00:06:52,981 It's a poisoned chalice from which no ambitious party can afford to drink. 103 00:06:53,145 --> 00:06:56,535 I'm certain that it's television that would be my undoing. 104 00:06:57,545 --> 00:07:00,139 I'm not immense at speaking on the wireless either, 105 00:07:00,305 --> 00:07:02,296 though one's done a bit of it. 106 00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:07,858 I tend to put on altogether too much dog. I sound like Lord Emsworth. Nerves. 107 00:07:08,025 --> 00:07:10,220 Television, though, I think I'd clam up. 108 00:07:10,385 --> 00:07:14,173 If Paxman got hold of me, I'd sit there with a grin like a wanking chap. 109 00:07:15,425 --> 00:07:18,735 Certainly vocabulary is something we could work on. 110 00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:22,136 "Wireless", for instance, is not altogether current. 111 00:07:22,305 --> 00:07:26,901 Good! You see, Rodders, that's the stuff one needs to know. 112 00:07:27,065 --> 00:07:30,853 (RADl0) So, Jim Moore, Controller of all good things BBC,,, 113 00:07:31,025 --> 00:07:34,904 One last question about the future of this fine vessel in which we sail. 114 00:07:35,065 --> 00:07:37,659 What about the old hands like yours truly? 115 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:43,024 Is there still room for us aboard the good ship Auntie or shall we walk the plank? 116 00:07:44,025 --> 00:07:47,574 What a terrible thought. I can't imagine the BBC without Sandy Morters. 117 00:07:47,745 --> 00:07:51,294 - Don't say it... - You're like the Queen Mother, 118 00:07:51,465 --> 00:07:53,695 The Queen Mother's dead. 119 00:08:04,225 --> 00:08:06,295 (MOBILE RINGS) 120 00:08:08,185 --> 00:08:11,461 Hello? Jim? How are you? 121 00:08:12,465 --> 00:08:14,933 Yes, as a matter of fact, I was listening. 122 00:08:15,105 --> 00:08:18,939 Thanks very much. There is a bit of a problem though. 123 00:08:21,025 --> 00:08:25,064 Johnny Vegas has just signed. Yeah. Paw actually to paper. 124 00:08:26,985 --> 00:08:30,455 No. I couldn't tell him on the air. He'd have had a coronary. 125 00:08:31,665 --> 00:08:35,453 Who's going to tell him? I thought you might. He's your client. 126 00:08:35,625 --> 00:08:38,503 We're putting out a press release tomorrow. 127 00:08:38,665 --> 00:08:41,657 Good old Dire Straits with "Tunnel of Love". 128 00:08:55,585 --> 00:08:59,134 (OPERA ON RADIO) 129 00:09:04,785 --> 00:09:08,573 Come on, Charles, don't be such a Sulky Sue. This is the country. 130 00:09:08,745 --> 00:09:11,418 This frail and vulnerable commodity is our client. 131 00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:13,735 Well, it could do with a haircut. 132 00:09:13,905 --> 00:09:16,977 Roddy and the Union want you. They need you. 133 00:09:17,145 --> 00:09:21,184 They see that what's been missing in the presentation of rural grievances 134 00:09:21,345 --> 00:09:23,142 is the metropolitan sheen. 135 00:09:23,305 --> 00:09:27,344 The urban edge without which no Whitehall ice is cut. 136 00:09:27,505 --> 00:09:32,295 Am I an edge or a sheen, Martin? Do let me know so I can comport myself accordingly. 137 00:09:32,465 --> 00:09:37,016 (RADl0) This is the Sandy Morters Show, I've had a letter about a beastie from,,, 138 00:09:37,185 --> 00:09:40,097 (ALISON) I'd better get that. (JAMIE) Leave that. 139 00:09:40,265 --> 00:09:44,736 - It's my phone. - What I have to say may frighten you. 140 00:09:44,905 --> 00:09:46,736 While they're out of the office, 141 00:09:46,905 --> 00:09:51,023 Martin wants you to compose an election-winning slogan 142 00:09:51,185 --> 00:09:54,063 for the Real Country Union. All right? 143 00:09:54,225 --> 00:09:56,341 - (PHONE RINGS) - Fine. Certainly. 144 00:09:56,505 --> 00:09:59,099 Political. Not what I normally do. Any clues? 145 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:02,621 Sometimes you just have to come up with that little bit extra. 146 00:10:02,785 --> 00:10:05,618 If you can't squeeze it out, it's time to get off the potty. 147 00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:10,454 Alison, Charles, Just a gentle reminder, 148 00:10:10,625 --> 00:10:15,699 Do explain to Rigor Morters he's finished before the old duffer sees it on the news, 149 00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,664 Oh, Cat? Pick this up, will you? 150 00:10:27,825 --> 00:10:31,500 - What is it? - Don't ask questions. Just get it. 151 00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,781 Barnes? Can I take a cab? 152 00:10:33,945 --> 00:10:36,300 If you think you can afford it. 153 00:10:44,465 --> 00:10:49,459 - Christ! What's that? - That is the seat of our host. 154 00:10:50,785 --> 00:10:55,176 And that is the seat of his daughter Virginia - Party Treasurer. 155 00:11:00,345 --> 00:11:02,461 How was the motorway? Was it bloody? 156 00:11:02,625 --> 00:11:05,617 - Moderately bloody, thank you. - Ginny Harcourt. 157 00:11:05,785 --> 00:11:07,821 Haven't you got warm hands? 158 00:11:07,985 --> 00:11:11,295 - Warm hands, cold heart. - I like to think so. 159 00:11:15,025 --> 00:11:17,414 Everyone else is here, I think. 160 00:11:17,585 --> 00:11:20,736 My father will probably have them all pissed as farts by now. 161 00:11:20,905 --> 00:11:22,896 Somebody's bound to get shot. 162 00:11:25,025 --> 00:11:28,495 This little flag indicates that a joke was intended. 163 00:11:30,185 --> 00:11:33,894 - Today's rough, by the way. Is that OK? - Er... excellent. 164 00:11:34,065 --> 00:11:36,818 Charles hasn't been a gun before. 165 00:11:36,985 --> 00:11:39,499 Ah. A virgin for Virginia. 166 00:11:40,505 --> 00:11:42,541 A rough shoot means no beaters. 167 00:11:44,025 --> 00:11:47,062 You haven't got the faintest idea what I'm talking about. 168 00:11:48,585 --> 00:11:51,338 Don't worry, darling. I'll hold your hand. 169 00:12:04,545 --> 00:12:07,013 (PHONE RINGS) 170 00:12:17,585 --> 00:12:20,463 - Pick it up, Ali. - You pick it up. 171 00:12:20,625 --> 00:12:22,616 I'm creative. I don't do physical. 172 00:12:24,145 --> 00:12:25,464 Right. 173 00:12:27,905 --> 00:12:31,375 - You have four messages,,, - OK, Jamie. How about this? 174 00:12:33,145 --> 00:12:35,136 Take a good look at your breakfast. 175 00:12:35,305 --> 00:12:38,183 That muesli comes straight from the heart of Britain. 176 00:12:39,185 --> 00:12:43,622 Alison, the one you just came up with about putting the "tree" in "country"? 177 00:12:43,785 --> 00:12:47,824 That I said wasn't a winner because it draws attention to the syllables 178 00:12:47,985 --> 00:12:50,340 - and it might backfire... - You said it was shite. 179 00:12:50,505 --> 00:12:52,496 - This is worse. - Why? 180 00:12:52,665 --> 00:12:55,304 One, it's got too many words. Two, it's too specific. 181 00:12:55,465 --> 00:12:59,663 Three, nobody wants to be nagged over breakfast. Four... 182 00:12:59,825 --> 00:13:05,582 Shit. Charles. Have we told Rigor? They're announcing his retirement on the news. 183 00:13:05,745 --> 00:13:08,782 - That's more your sort of thing. - I've got to do this. 184 00:13:08,945 --> 00:13:11,937 - You've got to do both. - Why can't you do Rigor? 185 00:13:12,105 --> 00:13:16,417 'Cause I am waiting for a ley to open and while I am waiting I am thinking. 186 00:13:16,585 --> 00:13:18,064 - Ah... - Silently. 187 00:13:25,385 --> 00:13:30,505 So, are the people here a representative cross-section of country dwellers? 188 00:13:30,665 --> 00:13:33,862 They've had privileges of education and upbringing 189 00:13:34,025 --> 00:13:38,541 but decided to use those privileges for the benefit of less fortunate rural people. 190 00:13:40,425 --> 00:13:44,896 - I think that's admirable. - Harcourt, you bastard! Get off my line! 191 00:13:45,065 --> 00:13:49,343 Yes. The problem is a tone of voice - a manner that the public finds resistible. 192 00:13:49,505 --> 00:13:52,417 I don't give a fish's tit! My covey! 193 00:13:53,905 --> 00:13:57,944 When did you last see politicians actually relaxing and having fun 194 00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:00,858 without fretting about how they looked or sounded? 195 00:14:01,025 --> 00:14:04,938 Honest men. Couldn't that be represented to the public as a virtue? 196 00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,665 Yes. But they're not politicians yet, are they? 197 00:14:07,825 --> 00:14:10,658 - I'm not sure you could afford my fee. - Try me. 198 00:14:12,305 --> 00:14:14,102 In my capacity as Treasurer. 199 00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:19,940 If I were to see the campaign through, you'd be looking at £180-190,000. 200 00:14:20,105 --> 00:14:21,936 - Plus expenses. - Done. 201 00:14:22,105 --> 00:14:25,415 What? Let's say 200,000. 202 00:14:25,585 --> 00:14:29,498 Let's say that, then. That wasn't too distressing, was it? 203 00:14:29,665 --> 00:14:32,657 - Not to me. - Nor me. I'd budgeted quarter of a million. 204 00:14:33,985 --> 00:14:36,055 - (SQUAWK!) - Christ on a bike! 205 00:14:36,225 --> 00:14:38,944 He shot a bloody peacock! 206 00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:42,584 - Is that a bad thing? - It's unusual. 207 00:14:43,585 --> 00:14:46,702 Quite right. Can't stand peacocks. 208 00:14:56,985 --> 00:15:00,978 I'm going to have to call Rigor and explain the situation myself. 209 00:15:02,065 --> 00:15:03,498 That's what's happening. 210 00:15:03,665 --> 00:15:09,900 Now, I am going to pretend that I am Charles and do exactly what he would. 211 00:15:13,305 --> 00:15:15,261 - (MOBILE RINGS) - Cat here. 212 00:15:15,425 --> 00:15:17,222 - Cat, Rigor's been sacked - What? 213 00:15:17,385 --> 00:15:20,934 He's been sacked and no one has told him. 214 00:15:21,105 --> 00:15:23,494 - Oh, God. That's awful. - I know, 215 00:15:23,665 --> 00:15:26,577 - That mustn't happen. - I'm not sure what to do, 216 00:15:26,745 --> 00:15:29,737 I'll get this bloody package and get straight on to Rigor. 217 00:15:29,905 --> 00:15:32,578 - Are you sure? - I'll deal with it. What's his number? 218 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,824 - Are you quite ready for this? - When have I ever let you down? 219 00:15:49,985 --> 00:15:52,943 Chronologically or in order of seriousness? 220 00:15:55,105 --> 00:15:56,936 - Gentlemen... - Speak up. 221 00:15:57,105 --> 00:16:00,654 Gentlemen, my colleague Martin and I 222 00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:04,215 have been privy to the birth of several political parties - 223 00:16:04,385 --> 00:16:06,899 the UK Independence, the SDP, 224 00:16:07,065 --> 00:16:10,774 the Jimmy Goldsmith and Taki one, whatever that was called - 225 00:16:10,945 --> 00:16:14,062 and we declined to represent any of them. 226 00:16:14,225 --> 00:16:19,538 They were all doing whatever they felt like and passing it off as principle. 227 00:16:19,705 --> 00:16:25,541 Fumbling that old whore Parliament, rummaging in her tired and tattered gusset 228 00:16:25,705 --> 00:16:27,775 for the keys to power. 229 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:32,541 We could have told them, gentlemen, the keys aren't in there. 230 00:16:32,705 --> 00:16:36,778 The keys are in the grip of the ordinary people. 231 00:16:37,665 --> 00:16:42,420 You know, we all of us contain a chord that others must strike. 232 00:16:43,425 --> 00:16:45,814 You have struck mine 233 00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:50,900 and I believe you can strike those of the common folk. 234 00:16:52,785 --> 00:16:56,061 Martin and I are proud to have you as our clients. 235 00:16:56,225 --> 00:17:01,094 We will serve you to the best of our ability and you shall triumph. 236 00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:08,820 Gentlemen, a toast. 237 00:17:10,425 --> 00:17:15,101 To a cleaner, fresher, invigorated, 238 00:17:15,265 --> 00:17:18,496 more English rural England. 239 00:17:19,785 --> 00:17:21,901 (ALL) To England! 240 00:17:39,665 --> 00:17:41,656 Yes, I'll hold. 241 00:17:42,665 --> 00:17:46,453 I'm looking for Jacksons. I don't know if it's an edit facilities place... 242 00:17:46,625 --> 00:17:48,775 - It's a heel bar. - I'm sorry? 243 00:17:49,785 --> 00:17:51,776 - 6.99 - He's on what? 244 00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:54,175 - He's on air. - Please put me through, 245 00:17:55,185 --> 00:17:58,575 So, Father, whither the Church in the age of virtual marriage? 246 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,784 I have a caller from Barnes, West London. Yes, Catherine? 247 00:18:02,945 --> 00:18:07,257 Meet me at Prentiss McCabe after the show, It's very important, 248 00:18:07,425 --> 00:18:08,858 Taxi! 249 00:18:18,025 --> 00:18:21,938 I want you to tell me what you think our problems are. 250 00:18:22,105 --> 00:18:26,383 Very well. Allow me to demonstrate by means of an exercise. 251 00:18:26,545 --> 00:18:29,059 Simple word association can be illuminating. 252 00:18:30,465 --> 00:18:32,774 - Shell. - What's he say? 253 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,664 He says, "Shell", you say... 254 00:18:36,665 --> 00:18:38,656 Oh, like word association? 255 00:18:38,825 --> 00:18:41,897 You say, "Shell", I say, "Already on the board, old boy". 256 00:18:42,065 --> 00:18:45,614 - Chelsea and Westminster. - Residents' parking. 257 00:18:45,785 --> 00:18:49,095 - European Union. - Wog trouble. 258 00:18:49,265 --> 00:18:51,859 - Rape. - Er... seed. 259 00:18:52,025 --> 00:18:54,664 - Seed. - Wimbledon. 260 00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,495 - Money. - Trees. 261 00:18:57,665 --> 00:19:00,225 Thank you. I rest my case. 262 00:19:00,385 --> 00:19:06,096 All right, there's an image problem, but are you two truly onside? 263 00:19:06,265 --> 00:19:11,737 Do you believe that in, say, five years we would have wrought significant change? 264 00:19:11,905 --> 00:19:16,137 Tell us where you want to be in five years and we'll make sure you get there. 265 00:19:16,305 --> 00:19:18,899 Show us the enemy, we'll take him on. 266 00:19:20,305 --> 00:19:22,500 These are difficult questions. 267 00:19:22,665 --> 00:19:26,943 Not at all. They're not difficult... at all. 268 00:19:28,905 --> 00:19:33,342 - You have our attention. - But do we have your absolute discretion? 269 00:19:34,705 --> 00:19:39,825 If we're going to begin by not trusting each other, by keeping secrets from each other, 270 00:19:39,985 --> 00:19:42,215 this relationship is mortally undermined. 271 00:19:57,785 --> 00:20:00,424 I wonder if this is entirely wise. 272 00:20:00,585 --> 00:20:04,419 Daddy wouldn't do it if it wasn't. And we have to know. 273 00:20:15,945 --> 00:20:17,742 Now... 274 00:20:19,025 --> 00:20:21,744 So... er... paintings... 275 00:20:21,905 --> 00:20:25,181 in the style of John Sell Cotman, 276 00:20:25,345 --> 00:20:27,495 Tom Girtin, Turner... 277 00:20:29,745 --> 00:20:33,454 The great tradition of English watercolourists 278 00:20:33,625 --> 00:20:36,822 and by extension, therefore, your enemy is... 279 00:20:38,385 --> 00:20:41,058 painters who prefer to use acrylics? 280 00:20:41,225 --> 00:20:43,136 Um... help me out. 281 00:20:43,305 --> 00:20:45,614 Um... right. 282 00:20:47,465 --> 00:20:49,217 "A.H." 283 00:20:50,225 --> 00:20:53,456 They're all signed A.H. Er... 284 00:20:53,625 --> 00:20:59,257 That would be Alice? Agatha? Give me a clue. 285 00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:00,904 Adolf Hitler. 286 00:21:03,145 --> 00:21:06,501 The Commandant's desk from Auschwitz. 287 00:21:07,945 --> 00:21:09,936 His chair. 288 00:21:11,065 --> 00:21:15,502 This key once unlocked the main gate at Belsen. 289 00:21:17,785 --> 00:21:21,778 And over here - and this is particularly recherché - 290 00:21:21,945 --> 00:21:26,735 a little canister, unused... marked "Zyklon". 291 00:21:29,305 --> 00:21:31,899 Could you spare us a moment, please? 292 00:21:32,065 --> 00:21:35,296 Oh, yes, of course. It is a bit overwhelming. 293 00:21:36,305 --> 00:21:38,899 Take your time. 294 00:21:44,425 --> 00:21:49,579 God forgive me, Charles. We've got to get out of here. This is quite impossible. 295 00:21:49,745 --> 00:21:53,101 Nothing's impossible, Martin, if we've set our mind to it. 296 00:21:53,265 --> 00:21:55,654 - We don't falter. - What? 297 00:21:55,825 --> 00:22:00,023 When Edwina revealed so vividly to us that she was actually a man, 298 00:22:00,185 --> 00:22:02,176 did we hesitate in promoting her memoir? 299 00:22:02,345 --> 00:22:04,859 Charles, we need to get you back to London. 300 00:22:05,025 --> 00:22:08,017 If I want your opinion, Martin, I'll give it to me. 301 00:22:08,185 --> 00:22:10,016 No. We took the client. 302 00:22:10,185 --> 00:22:13,814 We're not about to ditch the client because things have got a bit eggy. 303 00:22:13,985 --> 00:22:17,660 A bit eggy? Charles, they're fucking Nazis. 304 00:22:17,825 --> 00:22:20,897 That's the ultimate PR challenge, isn't it? 305 00:22:21,065 --> 00:22:25,104 Decades of terrible press, but what did they actually achieve? 306 00:22:25,265 --> 00:22:29,622 Apart from the slaughter of millions of Jews? I can't believe I'm hearing this! 307 00:22:30,865 --> 00:22:33,902 You cannot spin the Final Solution. 308 00:22:36,225 --> 00:22:41,424 They gave us Gewürztraminer, Riefenstahl... the Autobahn, the Volkswagen, 309 00:22:41,585 --> 00:22:45,464 the iconic use of dark leathers and they made the sausages run on time. 310 00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:48,856 You cannot spin the Holocaust. 311 00:22:49,025 --> 00:22:53,780 Well, 20 years ago you couldn't pay people to have an Alsatian. Devil dogs. 312 00:22:53,945 --> 00:22:56,698 Then rebrand them as German Shepherds - German - 313 00:22:56,865 --> 00:23:00,175 and suddenly, bingo, they're top of the poochy pops. 314 00:23:00,345 --> 00:23:03,576 You don't have to "buy" the video, you can "own" it. 315 00:23:03,745 --> 00:23:05,781 See? All in a word. 316 00:23:05,945 --> 00:23:07,742 Poochy pops? 317 00:23:07,905 --> 00:23:13,025 Above all, Martin, think of the money. The money's going to be bloody outrageous. 318 00:23:28,625 --> 00:23:31,617 - Where's Rigor? Is he here yet? - Martin's office. 319 00:23:38,345 --> 00:23:43,897 We've had a lot of rain, We had some across the country yesterday,,, 320 00:23:44,065 --> 00:23:46,021 - Catherine? - Rigor... 321 00:23:47,025 --> 00:23:49,619 People call me that behind my back, but never mind. 322 00:23:49,785 --> 00:23:52,618 You have something pressing to say to me and here I am. 323 00:23:53,545 --> 00:23:55,422 Yes, um... 324 00:23:57,545 --> 00:24:02,573 You look agitated. Perhaps we should have a cup of tea and then you can tell me. 325 00:24:02,745 --> 00:24:04,781 Yes. Yes, tea. 326 00:24:04,945 --> 00:24:07,584 I'll be right back. 327 00:24:07,745 --> 00:24:12,296 The Hebrew - it's always him. 2,000 years and nothing's changed. 328 00:24:12,465 --> 00:24:17,300 Yes. I've never really understood this thing about the Jews, why they're such a menace. 329 00:24:17,465 --> 00:24:19,695 They look and behave just like us. 330 00:24:21,465 --> 00:24:23,342 Exactly. 331 00:24:25,425 --> 00:24:27,495 I'm a Jew. 332 00:25:02,665 --> 00:25:09,013 Never, never, never let us do anything like that, Martin, ever again. 333 00:25:12,905 --> 00:25:15,419 ("SIX O'CLOCK NEWS" THEME ON TV) 334 00:25:20,665 --> 00:25:22,144 Last call for Sandy, 335 00:25:22,305 --> 00:25:26,583 Veteran broadcaster Sandy Morters says it's time to call it a day, 336 00:25:26,745 --> 00:25:31,773 BBC spokesmen are "amazed and dismayed" that radio legend Sandy resigned 337 00:25:31,945 --> 00:25:35,540 only hours after supremo Jim Moore appeared to confirm 338 00:25:35,705 --> 00:25:39,857 that Mr Morters' career as the BBC's longest-serving broadcaster was secure, 339 00:25:40,025 --> 00:25:44,621 We'll release later today the name of the lucky man or woman chosen to take the reins 340 00:25:44,785 --> 00:25:47,857 of one of broadcasting's most celebrated voices, 341 00:25:51,465 --> 00:25:53,262 Oh, shit! 342 00:25:54,465 --> 00:25:58,822 - It's a dandy. Jamie puts his feet up. - Actually, I was... 343 00:25:58,985 --> 00:26:02,944 At Prentiss McCabe we find it useful not to speak when others are doing so. 344 00:26:03,105 --> 00:26:07,383 - It can be a teeny bit confusing. - Round room now. I want an update. 345 00:26:07,545 --> 00:26:11,504 - Charles... - Mouth closed. Stops the drivel coming out. 346 00:26:11,665 --> 00:26:13,815 Come on, everybody. Chop chop. 347 00:26:13,985 --> 00:26:18,536 Where's the servant? I want a pint of gin and tonic and then another one! 348 00:26:18,705 --> 00:26:22,414 Why doesn't anybody do any bloody work around here?!