1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,673 The Appleton sisters are demanding soap roles 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:06,559 and suggested Peggy Mitchell's long-lost daughters. 3 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,632 Tell them we're onto it and get "Family Affairs" on the phone. 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,598 We've had a fax from the Playing Fields Association. 5 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:16,435 They don't want Heather Mills McCartney to present the awards after all. 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,991 Why is it they always chicken out at the last minute? Well, you know what to do. 7 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:24,118 - Book Ant and Dec instead? - As usual. 8 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,555 Sure? Playing Fields Association? 9 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:29,393 Why not? They were fine fronting the Booker. 10 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:31,551 - And... - What? 11 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:35,599 Bugger! 12 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,672 No disrespect, Martin, but why did the Tories come to you? 13 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:41,796 Remember the Iron Lady in the iron tank? 14 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,077 - The who in the what? - The famous tank-driving Maggie. 15 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:49,791 That was me. Tebbit and Hurd called it "inspired". 16 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,748 Bernard Ingham loathed it, but everybody loathed Bernard Ingham, so... 17 00:00:55,280 --> 00:01:00,308 - You have no idea who these people are. - You want a tank? 18 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:05,076 If they want to launch a youth-led campaign with a phat tune, why come to you? 19 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:08,277 - They came to me and I gave it to Alison. - Why? 20 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,637 Alison, I thought this was something Cat could help you with. 21 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,836 I don't need any help. 22 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,356 Alison, I thought this was something Cat could help you with. 23 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:21,911 Cat? Did anyone call for me yesterday after I'd left? 24 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,559 Um... 25 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:28,510 Kym Marsh, Emma Bunton and Gary Barlow wanting lunch at the Ivy with Simon Cowell. 26 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:33,549 Vanessa just wanting lunch and... Julia Stour. 27 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:39,431 Ah. The same Julia Stour who edits the thing I'm hanging in front of your face now? 28 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,591 Yes. 29 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:46,072 The one about whom I gave specific instructions to notify me should she call? 30 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,471 She said it would wait until tomorrow, which is today. 31 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:55,033 "Alan Broadman, arguably Britain's most popular funny man, 32 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:59,113 "inflicted a vicious beating on his pregnant partner 33 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,193 "in the car park of Croydon Ikea on Bank Holiday Monday. 34 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:08,388 "Yesterday, a spokesman for Mr Broadman was unavailable for comment." 35 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:15,074 I landed him the richest golden handcuff deal in the history of light entertainment 36 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,152 and now he's about to tear it up. 37 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,356 But, most embarrassing, 38 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:23,990 I've also just made him the face of Danish furniture giant, Smorga. 39 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:28,551 Which rather begs the question, what the hell was he doing in Ikea? 40 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,596 Alan. How are you? 41 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,559 So you haven't seen the papers yet this morning? Excellent. 42 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,598 It was an unfortunate accident. 43 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,513 The footage makes it look like Nina's being hit, 44 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,319 but she tripped over an abandoned trolley. 45 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:57,032 Alan was struggling to stop her from falling whilst juggling three bags and a table leg. 46 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:02,113 "Ms Nomax sustained a black eye, a cut lip, a fractured arm, a broken ankle, 47 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,840 "dislocated jaw and extensive bruising, 48 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:09,312 "consistent with an unremitting attack with a blunt instrument." 49 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,711 I wondered if you might pop by the office this morning. 50 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,440 How about digging up some dirt on Nina? 51 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,034 She's out of rehab with a history of abusing partners. 52 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,431 Alan was merely protecting himself from another violent attack. 53 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:26,628 Plus her drug habits left her with an uncontrollable temper and brittle bones. 54 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,758 She's the daughter of the Bishop of Gloucester, teetotal 55 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,195 and five months pregnant. 56 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:35,796 Couldn't we push Alan's charity work? Build up a positive profile. 57 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,554 Make him untouchable like Lineker or Palin. 58 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,872 The public are savvy to celebs pushing philanthropy when things go pear-shaped. 59 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,077 - Look at Geri Halliwell. - Has she gone pear-shaped again? 60 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:56,714 - Alan Broadman to see the Dark Prince. - Sorry? 61 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:01,112 The Lord and Master of the murky netherworld that is public relations. 62 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:06,079 - Right... - Don't worry. I'll find my own way up. 63 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,031 It's a five-minute re-brief. 64 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,556 It's not even a re-brief. I've mapped out a timetable. 65 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,315 - Natalie's just picking it up. - I'll be busy nursemaiding Cat. 66 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:17,959 - As a favour? - No. 67 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:22,716 I'm meeting with Carol Vorderman and if we get on to diets, I could be there all week. 68 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:25,189 Carol's tomorrow. 69 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:29,239 This morning Natalie Delphin's coming in to talk about promotion of her book, 70 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,231 "Learning to Love the Clitoris". 71 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,391 Thank you very much, Nick. 72 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:36,870 Ah! The perfidious lair. 73 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,395 The machiavellian core. 74 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:44,518 And there he is - Diabolus himself. 75 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,518 - Alan! - Big hug! 76 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,279 Still putting on weight? Must be doing well. 77 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,309 - Come in. - I am unworthy. I am unworthy. 78 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,071 She insisted we went to Ikea. 79 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,550 It was the stress of shopping, the noise, the heat, the people. 80 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,633 Then we argued about the Torskig, Helski and Marlsburg ranges. 81 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:23,079 She had a go at my flat-packing, my tool selection, my trolley driving, my parking. 82 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:27,950 Then you're in the car park clubbing her with a birch-veneered table leg. 83 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:31,639 Yeah. 84 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:36,590 No. Like I said, I can get him a spot on Sky with Adam Boulton or possibly "Newsnight", 85 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,797 but forget about doing a set at the Jongleurs. 86 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,951 Forget about the Comedy Store, too. 87 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,589 How can I put this? 88 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:51,038 Because the press called him Comical Ali doesn't mean he's ready for a live audience. 89 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,158 How's he going to deal with hecklers? There you go. 90 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,236 I put it all down to drink, drugs and the stress of the job. 91 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,595 Mention that unholy trinity to the press 92 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,877 and your career will be over sooner than Gemini's. 93 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:08,669 There is nothing more nauseating to the common working schmuck 94 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,354 than some pampered millionaire celebrity 95 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,080 banging on about how hard life is at the top. 96 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,151 But it's the truth. 97 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:20,108 How many times do I have to tell you? Nobody gives a shit about the truth. 98 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,953 That is why you employ me. 99 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:46,073 - Ah, and what have we now? - Belinda Bell-Parkin's diary. 100 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,708 It doesn't take long for the lynch mob to gather. 101 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,075 "This is the most cowardly of acts, 102 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:55,597 "perpetrated on a person in no position to fight back - someone who loves you. 103 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,672 "Callous... obdurate... unforgivable." 104 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,115 Didn't she form Battered Wives In Media? 105 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,319 I thought I heard the clattering hooves of a personal hobby-horse. 106 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:10,315 We've also had a call from a Terry Towser, threatening to sue Alan for loss of wages. 107 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,870 And just exactly who the hell is Terry Towser? 108 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:18,318 Alan's lookalike. He's had an appearance at his Rotary Club cancelled. 109 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,711 He was also at a barbecue with the Nolan Sisters last night. 110 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,713 Are you telling me the Nolan Sisters have lookalikes? 111 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:28,589 No. He was at the Nolan Sisters with the Clare Short lookalike. 112 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,637 Now, there's a very nervous man. 113 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:47,158 You know what they say about old dogs and new tricks. 114 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,833 - You want to give Alan a disease? - Brilliant. 115 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,072 The British public likes to see people struck down, 116 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:04,118 so they can help them back onto their feet again. 117 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,748 - What disease? - Over to you bright young things. 118 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,037 - What about TB? - Boring. We want something more dynamic. 119 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,351 - MS? - We want something new and frightening. 120 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:17,559 Like SARS, not some affliction used by loafers as an excuse to bunk off work. 121 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,551 I think you'll find that's M.E. 122 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:23,998 - An uncle of mine had Creutzfeldt-Jakob. - That's more like it. 123 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:28,517 I think anything involving dementia would work against him doing game shows. 124 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,398 I don't know though... 125 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,994 Difficult to get everything from one disease. 126 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,914 Right. So we trawl for symptoms, ring-fence them, slap on a name. 127 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,070 You're suggesting that we invent a disease? 128 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,232 Cherry pick. Take the best bits from, say, cancer, 129 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:49,951 add highlights from other ailments and come up with a name. That can't be beyond you. 130 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,997 No. No. 131 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,799 Most obscure diseases are named after two people, 132 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:58,839 so I'll get Cat to scan the telephone directories for appropriate names. 133 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,909 Chop-chop, people. We've got a career to save and a pestilence to unleash. 134 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:10,558 How about San Pedro Carson's Disorder? 135 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,433 Perhaps not. 136 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:18,037 "Pick's Disease manifests itself in a kind of withdrawal and language difficulties." 137 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:22,239 Could be awkward for television interviews - someone mumbling and dribbling. 138 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,550 It'll be Eamonn and David Blaine again. 139 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:28,269 What condition explains Alan's behaviour and gets the public onside? 140 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:32,115 Napoleon lost the plot because he suffered from haemorrhoids. 141 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,794 But you're talking about the retreat from Moscow, 142 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,428 not whacking Josephine with a table leg. 143 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,397 So not haemorrhoids? 144 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,118 Bogart-Caines Syndrome? 145 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,750 Sounds like someone who does bad impersonations. 146 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,430 OK. "Dilutional hyponatremia sometimes induces a coma." 147 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:58,878 You are fucking joking! No, not you, Doctor. Go on. 148 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,874 Hodgkin's Lymphoma affects people between 15 and 35. 149 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,476 So it eventually turns black and falls off? That's not gonna work. 150 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:10,918 - Scrivener's Disorder? - We rejected leprosy? Too challenging. 151 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,230 Prentiss McCabe Syndrome. 152 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:18,269 Symptoms are misplacement of moral fibre, loss of faith, hope, ambition, will to live. 153 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:26,592 - Tourette's. Fuck! - Jamie... 154 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:30,514 What about worms in the eyes? Loa loa. It's tropical. 155 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,671 Get real, Alison. 156 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,115 "Rectal polyps or priapism, 157 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:39,592 "where you suffer from a persistent and painful erection." 158 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,109 - Well, we've all been there. - Yes. 159 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,831 - Breakfast? - Mm. 160 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:51,154 - OK. Marquierro-Hennell Disease or MHD. - Or MH. 161 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,392 Like the initials - makes it easy for the hacks to type up. 162 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,710 - Symptoms are... - Symptoms are... 163 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,190 general fatigue, dizziness and, in extreme cases, coma. 164 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,432 - Inappropriate flashes of anger, obviously. - Excellent. 165 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,795 - Also some weight gain. - Bad idea. 166 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,679 - Told you. - Yellowing of the skin. 167 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:12,992 Superficial skin discolouration is good. Also rashes, scabs, etc. 168 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,835 - Anything achievable with a make-up artist. - Give him some fits. 169 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:21,915 No known cure, but if treated early a normal existence can be regained after six months. 170 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,071 Make it 12. Milk the pathos. 171 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,913 Also add an element of risk. 172 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,390 Seizure, heart failure, collapsing kidneys. 173 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:34,109 Alan's got to be in genuine danger. Anything to add, Martin? 174 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:37,033 I think I might already have got it. 175 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:48,074 I'm not great at lying, Charles. It's not in my nature. 176 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,754 Battering girlfriends more up your street? 177 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,990 I don't know that I can pull this off. 178 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,596 Course you can. Stop worrying and make yourself ill. 179 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,557 Remember the seven-day rule. 180 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,711 You'll be off the front pages in a week, 181 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,440 then a couple of months harping on about MH. 182 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,512 After that you start getting funny again. 183 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,233 (ALISON) The rash appears after the headaches and dizzy spells. 184 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,994 - Does it matter? - Whose bloody disease is this? 185 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:18,278 - How are we doing? - We can launch Marquierro-Hennell. 186 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:22,035 - MH. ...onto an unsuspecting world. Here we go. 187 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,828 One feels almost tearful. 188 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,829 Belinda Bell-Parkin. 189 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,797 Charles. 190 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,998 I thought you said you were taking me somewhere nice. 191 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:47,038 The Ivy's full of desperate wannabes these days. 192 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,159 - Whereas this place is full of has-beens. - So we can eat in peace. 193 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:54,312 Before you start grovelling on behalf of your client, 194 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,836 I have absolutely no sympathy for a man who beats up a woman. 195 00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,991 I stand by every word in my article 196 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:04,312 and nothing you can say to me over a moderately-priced lunch will change my mind. 197 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,471 Wine list, please. 198 00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,033 Now... 199 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:14,558 You'll be surprised to hear that I agree with every word you wrote in your article. 200 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,359 Alan's behaviour was indefensible. 201 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:22,719 Indefensible. In his defence, however, I would say just three words. 202 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:27,549 Marquierro-Hennell Disease. 203 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,158 - (EMAIL BEEPS) - God! 204 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,959 - What? - The site's been hit. 205 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,714 Mrs Joan Hersh, Greater Manchester. 206 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:41,236 "Finally I can put a name to my problem. 207 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:46,520 "I've been an MH sufferer for the past two years and have been rebuffed by doctors." 208 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,751 That's genius, mate. 209 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,390 - It wasn't me. - Ali? 210 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,154 - What? - You hit the MH site? 211 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,834 - Why would I want to do that? - (EMAIL BEEPS) 212 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:05,313 - There's another one. - Jonathan Rawlings, Bognor Regis. 213 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,710 Fuck! It lives. 214 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,396 (EMAILS BEEP) 215 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:16,712 - Projectile diarrhoea? - Only in the worst cases. 216 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,233 Christ. 217 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,472 I hope keeping this under your hat isn't going to be awkward. 218 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:25,553 - That's my problem, not yours. - Belinda, please... 219 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:29,508 - If Alan knew I'd betrayed a confidence... - That's your problem, not mine. 220 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:33,195 Oh, God. I should have kept my trap shut, shouldn't I? 221 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:39,837 Listen... I don't want to compromise your personal integrity, but I do implore you... 222 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,913 People need to know about this, especially if it's affecting celebrities. 223 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:49,596 No, no. If it's my job to alert the nation to this terrible disease... 224 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,791 so be it. 225 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,752 Martin? Can we have a word? 226 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,639 What can you tell us about Alan Broadman? 227 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,951 - Well, he's contracted MH... - How serious is the condition? 228 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:14,715 I'm not a doctor, but even I can tell that he's not a well man. 229 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,997 However, he's battling on - Alan's a real fighter... 230 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,991 not with his wife, of course. 231 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:24,358 - What's going to happen to his career? - I'd sooner not say anything more. 232 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,990 Suffice it to say that Alan is showing enormous courage 233 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,197 in coping with this really horrific condition. 234 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:35,035 He'd expect to be back in the saddle in six months... 12 months. 235 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:39,637 According to the website, there are four different types of MH - 236 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,793 relapsing advanced, primary advanced, secondary advanced and advanced relapsing. 237 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,679 Which one has Alan been struck down with? 238 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,671 The first one you said. 239 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:53,436 - He's got relapsing advanced MH? - By and large, yes. 240 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,591 That's quite mild. Why all the fuss? 241 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,796 Well, you could say that, but... 242 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:02,192 Getting cogent information about this little-known disease isn't easy. 243 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,193 We're learning more about it every day, every second. 244 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,839 And er... 245 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:11,869 I think all that I can say is that whatever brand of MH poor Alan has got, 246 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:17,319 it's one of the... you know, really bad ones. Definitely. 247 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,870 - Thank you. - (REPORTERS CLAMOUR) 248 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,439 - Why is he smiling? - "Courage through the pain". 249 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,113 No smiling. 250 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:53,512 - He doesn't look nearly ill enough. - He's in the early stages of the disease. 251 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,150 You worked on "Holby City", get some greeny powder on his face 252 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,074 and darken his eyes, bit of cold sweat. Where the hell's the rash? 253 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,915 It will take another two months for the rash to manifest 254 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,958 plus a further two weeks for it to be fully visible. 255 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,839 We are talking about an invented disease? 256 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,752 - Yes. - So speed up the rash. 257 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:16,435 - Charles, according to my research... - Break out the vermillion. 258 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:20,479 And, Alison, Alan's going to be up to his eyeballs doing publicity, 259 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,995 so I want you to do the web diary. 260 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,639 The what? 261 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:29,032 I want you to write a diary for Alan, detailing his daily battle with the disease. 262 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,794 - Why me? - I can't think of anyone better. 263 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,837 You created the bloody thing. 264 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,308 Good. Excellent. Make it so. Fine. 265 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,750 My first mistake was to hide it, pretend it wasn't happening. 266 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,629 This isn't an illness that announces itself. You just feel knackered. 267 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,519 You're thinking, "What is wrong with me?" 268 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,194 That must be very hard for family and friends. 269 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:55,353 I can't even begin to imagine what they must be going through. 270 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,273 If I try and put myself in their shoes... 271 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,358 - I'm sorry. - No, not at all. 272 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,317 Let's talk about your work. 273 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:09,439 You were about to start a UK tour and two comedy pilots for the BBC. 274 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,319 This disease has not and will not affect my work. 275 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:16,837 From time to time I may nod off in the middle of a gag, but... 276 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,558 I'm only joking. 277 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:22,599 No, no. The doctors are encouraging me to work. 278 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,990 Working's good. 279 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,796 I've got a list of nearly 20 young pop stars and celebrities 280 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,428 who are definitely Conservative voters. 281 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:36,149 - Though not one of them will admit it. - Why not? 282 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:40,199 The Tories are the party of Phil Collins and Chris de Burgh. 283 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,794 - What about the song? - Still working on it. 284 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,599 - Where's Jamie? - (CAT) He's not in today. 285 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,751 What do you mean? 286 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,673 The website crashed and we lost the chat rooms. 287 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:54,355 So he said he had to chase up a computer geek he knows from uni... 288 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:55,999 in Ireland. 289 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,118 Any reason why no one else is helming the HM account today? 290 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,117 We're on Martin's Tory thing. 291 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:06,273 Having completed today's diary entry for Alan, I trust? 292 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,916 "Health took a downturn overnight. 293 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:18,436 "Three hours sleep and then at the studio by six. 294 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:22,115 "Slight headache and nausea. Temperature up to 99.8 - 295 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:26,239 "a rise of almost one per cent on yesterday. Weight remains stable." 296 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:32,268 Can't you inject some emotion? Make Alan sound less like a financial correspondent. 297 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:37,673 "Dear God, this is terrible. Three hours of pitiful sleep in a welter of sweat. 298 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,832 "Head pounding like drums. Dry mouth tasting of bile. 299 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:46,120 "Discovered two new swellings this morning. Still, mustn't grumble." That sort of thing. 300 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:50,193 - It doesn't feel right, Charles. - It needs a little work, I grant you. 301 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:54,990 No. I don't feel comfortable doing this. I can't do it. 302 00:19:56,520 --> 00:20:00,672 Alison, some are born to glory, some have glory thrust upon 'em 303 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:06,392 and others will be stapling 10 x 8s to cheap CVs for the rest of their working lives. 304 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,551 Now hop to it. 305 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:27,118 There are now in the region of 700 cases of MH worldwide,,, 306 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:28,998 We've gone global. 307 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,152 Health authorities are gearing up for more, 308 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,278 0ver to our Health Affairs correspondent, Paul Adderley, 309 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:39,638 In the United Kingdom, most of the reported cases have been in the North East,,, 310 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:45,158 It's not a method I'd have considered, but I have to admire its effectiveness. 311 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:49,836 We simply hold a mirror up to the society in which we find ourselves, Martin. 312 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,910 ,, with suspected MHD, 313 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:58,108 Meanwhile, the story of Marquierro-Hennell Disease took a tragic twist this morning 314 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:02,956 when Mr Patrick Costello, a council worker from Leeds, hanged himself,,, 315 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,588 Fantastic. Our first casualty. 316 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:12,994 Mr Costello, aged 47, leaves a teenage daughter who is being treated for shock, 317 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,276 How is it up there on the tightrope? 318 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,273 A bit blowy, but I'm halfway across. 319 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:23,671 - Just don't look down. - Eyes straight ahead. 320 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,793 You've had me lying to everyone. Including my family. 321 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,190 Making up symptoms for a fictional disorder, 322 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,158 writing a weekly column listing problems I don't have, 323 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,629 feeling pain I've never felt, 324 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:41,557 conning the world in the most distasteful and shameless scam ever. 325 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:46,350 And now I'm about to appear on "Blue Peter" on a sponsored bunny hop 326 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,715 with eight fantasist MHD sufferers 327 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:54,352 and you're asking me to fake a cardiac arrest to secure film rights to my own life? 328 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:59,196 - It's a mad, bad, Bedlamite old world. - No! 329 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,590 - Hm? - You're fucking mad! 330 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:06,711 You're tired. Take a couple of days off. 331 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,838 Come back in a week's time, all guns blazing. 332 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,390 We can talk about the seizure then. Pumps on. 333 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,231 (PHONE RINGS) 334 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,391 - Charles Prentiss. - Charles? 335 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:36,588 Belinda. Do I feel another glowing tribute to Alan hitting the pavements tomorrow? 336 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,955 Perhaps I should read you this copy, 337 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,192 "Are there no depths to which the public relations agent 338 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:46,353 "will not stoop to keep the golden goose sitting on the nest?" 339 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:50,069 Had a very pleasant chat with Alan Broadman yesterday. 340 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:54,313 He's currently at a secret location, paid for by this paper, 341 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:59,156 where he's working hard to patch things up with the lovely Nina. 342 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,552 OK. "Come On Join The Boys" based on the Slade hit "Cum On Feel The Noize" 343 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,756 "All You Need Is Us" - self explanatory. 344 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:10,072 "We're Still Standing" based on Elton's "I'm Still Standing", obviously. 345 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:14,153 I just had a few. S Club's "Bring It All Back", "I Have A Dream" by Westlife, 346 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:18,199 "Right Now" or "It's OK" by Atomic Kitten, Sonique's "I Feel Good" 347 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:19,918 or Blue's "All Rise". 348 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:21,911 - Excellent. - Good. 349 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,753 But we'll go with "Things Can Only Get Better". 350 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,911 Labour have already used it. 351 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,675 - They're hardly likely to use it now. - Yes, but... 352 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,308 It's ironic, Alison. 353 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,313 Should the artist prefer not to perform it for the Tories, 354 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,392 I've got Will Young to cover whichever song we choose. 355 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,518 - (PHONE RINGS) - One forgets how the threat of obscurity 356 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,875 can galvanise the minor celeb. 357 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,476 - Martin McCabe? - Martin? Charles. 358 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,516 The high wire is fraying. 359 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,319 It has been called the "most pernicious stunt ever pulled" 360 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,392 and the man behind it all has been named as Charles Prentiss - 361 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:42,678 a leading figure in public relations and partner in the firm Prentiss McCabe, 362 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:50,320 Alan Broadman was whisked away from the offices of a leading newspaper earlier on 363 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,710 and is said to be somewhere in Devon, 364 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:02,878 Um... 365 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,952 - "Butch Cassidy", you know the end? - Yes. 366 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:10,999 Is it ambiguous or do they get killed? 367 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,470 It's ambiguous. They get killed. 368 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:20,954 Look, um... are you, as it were? 369 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,868 Are you all right? 370 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:28,430 Everything we do is predicated on deceit. Everything. 371 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,111 Charles... 372 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:40,115 If we can't be honest with each other, Martin, then what's the fucking point? 373 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,316 We're shit, Martin. 374 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:47,438 We're in the gutter and we are not looking at the stars. 375 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:03,516 - Charles, you're tired. - We deserve to be punished, Martin. 376 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,434 If not now, then in the next life. 377 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,909 Look... you're... 378 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:15,198 You're feeling a bit low and that's fine, that's fine and... 379 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:20,434 Bloody hell, Charles, get a grip! Sorry. What I'm trying to say is... 380 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,315 I know things are looking bleak. 381 00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,755 You'll find a way because you always do 382 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:32,072 because in extremis this is what you do so well. 383 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,792 Lying? Go on, say it. 384 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:41,796 Yes, all right! Yes, absolutely! Come back to me. Please, Charles, come back to me. 385 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,633 Shit! Fuck it, Charles! We're a team! 386 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:48,952 We were a team, Martin. Not any more. 387 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:55,594 No. We've got to find something else to do for what remains of our lives. 388 00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:01,476 Make amends. Anonymous charitable work... I don't know. 389 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:14,231 - God, you're good. - One does one's best. 390 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:18,234 - Christ, you're good! - Sackcloth and ashes, Martin. 391 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:22,518 There's nothing the furry-tongued palate of the British taxpayer likes more 392 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,592 than to see the bad guy blubbing in public. 393 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:30,356 - Brilliant. But will they buy it? - They'll buy it because we're selling it. 394 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:35,071 Because no matter who they think is in charge, it's actually us. 395 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,431 Can you see anybody out there? 396 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:52,637 - A few cars. One or two photographers. - Where's your car? 397 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:54,392 - Just outside. - Keys? 398 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:57,028 We'll laugh about this in a couple of months. 399 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,395 As long as we aren't in adjoining cells. 400 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,198 Shall we? 401 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,275 (ALL CLAMOUR) 402 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:27,919 Gentlemen... 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net