1 00:00:06,502 --> 00:00:08,060 We're late. 2 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:09,211 I'm doing the best I can. 3 00:00:13,062 --> 00:00:14,859 It's an offence 4 00:00:14,942 --> 00:00:17,137 under the Highway Code to drive too slowly. 5 00:00:17,222 --> 00:00:19,452 Telephone the Press Association. 6 00:00:19,542 --> 00:00:22,500 We've found a law you're not interested in breaking. 7 00:00:22,582 --> 00:00:28,293 Come on! What's a small speeding fine? A few points. 8 00:00:28,382 --> 00:00:31,180 It's just the Government's way of taxing the rich. 9 00:00:31,262 --> 00:00:33,571 It's a status symbol. Like a yacht. 10 00:00:36,622 --> 00:00:39,659 We've just been overtaken by a pensioner on a bicycle. 11 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,576 It's Nick at Prentiss McCabe. 12 00:00:49,662 --> 00:00:53,940 This new Channel 4 celebrity gene replacement show. 13 00:00:54,022 --> 00:00:59,176 They've come up with the idea of making you into a sporting superstar. 14 00:00:59,262 --> 00:01:01,412 Don't know if you'd be interested in that. 15 00:01:01,502 --> 00:01:04,938 Give me a bell if it sells. Speak soon. Ciao. 16 00:01:05,742 --> 00:01:07,573 Let me guess - Vanessa Feltz? No. 17 00:01:07,662 --> 00:01:09,937 Michael Winner? No. Tim Henman. 18 00:01:10,022 --> 00:01:11,535 Oh, right. Cool. 19 00:01:11,622 --> 00:01:12,691 (PHONE RINGS) 20 00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:14,773 Hello, Nick Mayer. 21 00:01:15,862 --> 00:01:16,977 Hello? 22 00:01:18,782 --> 00:01:20,534 Again. What? 23 00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:23,694 Every time I put the phone down, it rings again and no-one's there. 24 00:01:23,782 --> 00:01:27,855 That happened to me yesterday, too. It could be the invisible man. 25 00:01:29,182 --> 00:01:30,695 That doesn't really work. 26 00:01:30,782 --> 00:01:33,012 The man with no, er... 27 00:01:34,742 --> 00:01:36,573 Yeah. 28 00:01:40,822 --> 00:01:43,222 ID, sir? We are here... 29 00:01:43,222 --> 00:01:45,736 Late. ...to see our client, the Home Secretary. 30 00:01:45,822 --> 00:01:48,894 Speaking, with an irony you're unlikely to grasp, 31 00:01:48,982 --> 00:01:50,301 about identity cards. 32 00:01:50,382 --> 00:01:54,534 They haven't put your name on the gate. Have you got a driving licence? 33 00:01:54,622 --> 00:01:56,021 Erm... 34 00:01:57,302 --> 00:02:00,453 I don't seem to have it. I'll have to talk to someone. 35 00:02:03,542 --> 00:02:05,100 I'm not saying she won't do it. 36 00:02:05,182 --> 00:02:10,381 If she accepts, there must be no photos of her bottom, her feet, 37 00:02:10,462 --> 00:02:14,580 her bottom, her feet, her ankles, her mouth, obviously. 38 00:02:14,942 --> 00:02:17,456 Well, yes, it does. It leaves a lot. 39 00:02:17,542 --> 00:02:20,375 Well, the whole of her middle is fine, her arms. 40 00:02:20,462 --> 00:02:22,657 Some parts of her face. 41 00:02:22,742 --> 00:02:26,451 If you want the Prime Minister's wife, these are the conditions. 42 00:02:26,542 --> 00:02:29,181 Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? 43 00:02:29,262 --> 00:02:31,412 Yes, I... Weird. 44 00:02:31,502 --> 00:02:35,415 I can hear him. He can't hear me. Hello? Hello? 45 00:02:36,502 --> 00:02:37,651 Bollocks. 46 00:02:37,742 --> 00:02:38,697 I told you. 47 00:02:38,782 --> 00:02:40,542 What is the matter with these phones? 48 00:02:40,542 --> 00:02:42,260 Big Brother. What? 49 00:02:42,342 --> 00:02:45,459 George Orwell, 1984. They're probably tapping our phones. 50 00:02:45,542 --> 00:02:48,010 It happens all the time. What do you mean? Who's they? 51 00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:52,937 Does it matter? Ml5. Al-Qaeda Perverts. Guys with beards. 52 00:02:53,022 --> 00:02:55,172 Is there anything you take seriously? 53 00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:57,901 Mmm... Apart from drugs, obviously. 54 00:02:57,982 --> 00:02:59,415 Nice one. 55 00:02:59,502 --> 00:03:00,617 Yeah. 56 00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:06,732 The most recent polls show 50% of the nation are opposed to ID cards. 57 00:03:06,822 --> 00:03:08,813 When electric light was invented, 58 00:03:08,902 --> 00:03:11,894 most of the public said they'd stick with candles. 59 00:03:11,982 --> 00:03:14,022 It'll take more than sound bites to change minds. 60 00:03:14,022 --> 00:03:15,660 Exactly, Dermot. 61 00:03:15,742 --> 00:03:17,812 This is a moment to change hearts and minds, 62 00:03:17,902 --> 00:03:21,053 which is why the Government is launching a major campaign 63 00:03:21,142 --> 00:03:24,737 to convince the public that this is a plastic card 64 00:03:24,822 --> 00:03:26,892 which will pay off for ALL of us. 65 00:03:28,702 --> 00:03:31,170 The plastic card that pays off went down a treat. 66 00:03:31,262 --> 00:03:33,332 We'll need more of those on this campaign. 67 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,219 You'll be needing a miracle. 68 00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:37,577 Isn't that what you do? You flatter us. 69 00:03:37,662 --> 00:03:39,175 No, I don't. You said you did. 70 00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:43,813 What Martin means is you'll have to take the country with you on this. 71 00:03:43,902 --> 00:03:45,972 Even for this Government, 72 00:03:46,062 --> 00:03:49,657 isn't the 50% against ID cards a bit of a problem? 73 00:03:49,742 --> 00:03:52,654 As I said, when electric light was invented. 74 00:03:52,742 --> 00:03:55,176 You can't expect me to believe that - I wrote it. 75 00:03:55,262 --> 00:03:59,494 Here's someone who might convince you. Per Hofstad of Idea. 76 00:03:59,582 --> 00:04:01,254 Ikea? Idea. 77 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,173 Gentlemen. 78 00:04:03,262 --> 00:04:07,050 Per's company has carried out the feasibility scheme on ID cards. 79 00:04:07,142 --> 00:04:08,700 Of course. Excellent. 80 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,933 I'm here to dot the t's and cross the i's. 81 00:04:12,022 --> 00:04:13,011 Yes. 82 00:04:13,102 --> 00:04:17,539 Such as how Britain's national security can be run from Stockholm. 83 00:04:17,622 --> 00:04:21,535 The Home Secretary has asked me to share our research material. 84 00:04:21,622 --> 00:04:25,740 History shows that leaders who have asked citizens 85 00:04:25,822 --> 00:04:29,781 to carry identity cards have tended to be dictatorial warmongers 86 00:04:29,862 --> 00:04:31,932 who ignored public will. 87 00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:35,094 No risk of that being an issue here, then. 88 00:04:35,182 --> 00:04:38,572 Wasn't there opposition in Sweden to ID cards? 89 00:04:38,662 --> 00:04:40,141 Originally, yes, 90 00:04:40,222 --> 00:04:43,612 but that really took a tumble after our Prime Minister was shot. 91 00:04:43,702 --> 00:04:46,421 That might be a bit, erm... Yes. 92 00:04:46,502 --> 00:04:49,096 Still. Interesting idea, though. 93 00:04:49,182 --> 00:04:50,774 Yes, yes, yes. 94 00:04:50,862 --> 00:04:52,932 In essence, Home Secretary, 95 00:04:53,022 --> 00:04:56,378 our objection to this whole campaign is that we've yet to meet 96 00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:59,932 a single person outside the Home Office who's in favour of ID cards. 97 00:05:00,022 --> 00:05:02,855 In all honesty, Charles... Don't say that - 98 00:05:02,942 --> 00:05:04,694 it's so much harder to believe you. 99 00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:08,695 We're only doing this because Ml5 and Ml6 want it. 100 00:05:08,782 --> 00:05:10,420 Oh, I see. Ml5? 101 00:05:10,502 --> 00:05:15,417 Forgive me for saying this but don't they, sort of, work for you? 102 00:05:15,502 --> 00:05:17,222 Let's just say they're putting 103 00:05:17,222 --> 00:05:19,690 a certain amount of pressure on us on this one. 104 00:05:19,782 --> 00:05:23,570 Threatening to release a few e-mails that the Government "forgot" to show 105 00:05:23,662 --> 00:05:25,141 Hutton and Butler. 106 00:05:25,222 --> 00:05:26,575 That is preposterous. 107 00:05:26,662 --> 00:05:31,053 We need the finest minds on this campaign if it is to succeed. 108 00:05:31,142 --> 00:05:35,738 Gentlemen, you must turn round the supertanker. 109 00:05:35,822 --> 00:05:38,290 Oh, yes. It's a song by Abba. 110 00:05:41,982 --> 00:05:45,213 A celebrity campaign. Nadia Almada or John Tickle 111 00:05:45,302 --> 00:05:49,215 holding up an ID card - "Why I'm not afraid of Big Brother." 112 00:05:49,302 --> 00:05:51,452 John Tickle? Is he a real person? Well... 113 00:05:51,542 --> 00:05:54,500 Come on, people. Think. 114 00:05:56,142 --> 00:06:00,294 People fear ID cards because they think they'll lose their privacy. 115 00:06:00,382 --> 00:06:03,022 And we're thinking of putting up posters of people 116 00:06:03,022 --> 00:06:05,982 who'd crawl over broken glass to give theirs away? 117 00:06:05,982 --> 00:06:10,342 Martin, have you got your driving licence? 118 00:06:10,342 --> 00:06:12,492 No, I left mine at home. 119 00:06:12,582 --> 00:06:14,538 Never mind. 120 00:06:14,622 --> 00:06:18,376 Here is our problem - buy one of these and you can drive. 121 00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:21,215 Shell out on a passport and you can fly to New York. 122 00:06:21,302 --> 00:06:24,772 Even a BBC licence fee lets you watch EastEnders. 123 00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:28,901 But we're asking people to pay a hundred quid to the Government 124 00:06:28,982 --> 00:06:31,735 for an ID card that gains them nothing 125 00:06:31,822 --> 00:06:34,131 and loses them their privacy. 126 00:06:34,222 --> 00:06:35,780 If you actually think about it, 127 00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:39,741 it's only people with nasty secrets who have anything to fear from them. 128 00:06:39,822 --> 00:06:41,858 That's a little bald. 129 00:06:41,942 --> 00:06:45,571 Many of us have objections on grounds of civil liberties. 130 00:06:45,662 --> 00:06:49,177 What's your nasty secret, Martin? 131 00:06:49,262 --> 00:06:53,414 If I had a secret of any kind - which I don't, by the way - 132 00:06:53,502 --> 00:06:55,857 you would be the very last person to know. 133 00:06:55,942 --> 00:06:58,900 Alison may be on to something. Thank you, Charles. 134 00:06:58,982 --> 00:07:01,940 Only she hasn't understood what it is. I have, actually. 135 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:05,139 We've been thinking of arguments in FAVOUR of ID cards. 136 00:07:05,222 --> 00:07:08,462 We should have been thinking of arguments AGAINST them. 137 00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:09,451 Exactly. 138 00:07:09,542 --> 00:07:13,251 What sort of character WOULDN'T want them? 139 00:07:13,342 --> 00:07:15,333 Mustapha Allawallah, suicide bomber. 140 00:07:15,422 --> 00:07:17,333 Fingers Ratner, housebreaker. 141 00:07:17,422 --> 00:07:21,381 Shamus O'Anus, Irish terrorist. Uncle Fumble, the paedophile. 142 00:07:21,462 --> 00:07:23,578 Johnny Junk Bum, drug smuggler. 143 00:07:23,662 --> 00:07:27,018 Mr Asylum Seeker, the asylum seeker. 144 00:07:27,102 --> 00:07:29,491 We might want to brainstorm that name a bit. 145 00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:31,140 Sumarco, obviously. 146 00:07:31,222 --> 00:07:34,453 And, of course, Ml5 will love it. 147 00:07:35,502 --> 00:07:36,696 Ml5? 148 00:07:37,302 --> 00:07:39,896 I told you. They're not allowed to do that, are they? 149 00:07:39,982 --> 00:07:41,859 They can do whatever they want. 150 00:07:41,942 --> 00:07:44,536 Surely they have to ask your permission first? 151 00:07:44,622 --> 00:07:48,456 I had a friend who worked for a company that builds helicopters 152 00:07:48,542 --> 00:07:50,976 and they bugged his flat for months. 153 00:07:51,062 --> 00:07:53,053 How could you tell? You couldn't. 154 00:07:53,142 --> 00:07:55,576 Then one day he just vanished. 155 00:07:55,662 --> 00:07:57,698 Vanished? Yeah. 156 00:07:57,782 --> 00:07:59,374 He went to Spain. 157 00:07:59,462 --> 00:08:00,531 Weird. 158 00:08:00,622 --> 00:08:04,410 I don't want to be sexist but you two are behaving like women. 159 00:08:04,502 --> 00:08:06,413 Ha! I'm not paranoid. 160 00:08:06,502 --> 00:08:08,538 I didn't say you were paranoid. What? 161 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:12,934 Phones go wrong. It's a machine. Its got wires. It's no big deal. 162 00:08:13,022 --> 00:08:15,490 People with something to fear are those who've done stuff 163 00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:17,220 they don't want others to know about. 164 00:08:17,302 --> 00:08:19,372 Yeah, exactly. 165 00:08:19,462 --> 00:08:21,851 The whole thing's ridiculous. 166 00:08:21,942 --> 00:08:23,739 MAN: Hello? Anyone home? 167 00:08:26,902 --> 00:08:27,857 BT, love. 168 00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:29,739 Yeah, BT. 169 00:08:29,822 --> 00:08:31,414 Quick look at the phones. 170 00:08:31,502 --> 00:08:32,730 Right. 171 00:08:32,822 --> 00:08:38,180 Let me tell you why I am so opposed to these dreadful ID cards. 172 00:08:38,262 --> 00:08:40,173 They will cause a lot of delays. 173 00:08:40,262 --> 00:08:42,412 Especially at airports. 174 00:08:42,502 --> 00:08:46,575 When I'm flying to New York or maybe London next time. 175 00:08:46,662 --> 00:08:49,734 I'm simply dying to get on that plane. 176 00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:51,414 MAN: Cut. 177 00:08:52,262 --> 00:08:53,854 Smashing. Well done. 178 00:08:53,942 --> 00:08:56,376 We got enough of the hook? Loads. 179 00:08:56,462 --> 00:08:59,182 Well done, Mohammed, love. That's a wrap for you. 180 00:08:59,182 --> 00:09:00,501 Thank you. 181 00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,538 Bring on the paedophile. 182 00:09:07,742 --> 00:09:11,178 OK. OK, Geoff, are we there? We're sorted. 183 00:09:11,262 --> 00:09:13,981 I'll just make a test call, if that's OK? 184 00:09:14,062 --> 00:09:19,375 Yes, that's fine. Feel free. I'm just at my desk, working normally. 185 00:09:29,462 --> 00:09:31,293 Good. Well... 186 00:09:31,382 --> 00:09:33,532 That seems to be working fine. Good. 187 00:09:33,622 --> 00:09:36,295 But if you get any trouble... There won't be. 188 00:09:36,382 --> 00:09:41,376 ...you know where we are. Yes, thank you very much for coming. 189 00:10:00,062 --> 00:10:04,055 In the country where we come from, everyone has to have papers. 190 00:10:04,142 --> 00:10:05,973 Everyone knows who you are. 191 00:10:06,062 --> 00:10:09,293 But in England, you have none of this nonsense. 192 00:10:09,382 --> 00:10:12,454 When our asylum application was refused, 193 00:10:12,542 --> 00:10:14,772 we just disappeared into Eastbourne. 194 00:10:14,862 --> 00:10:17,501 If you'd had those terrible ID cards, 195 00:10:17,582 --> 00:10:19,413 we might have been sent home. 196 00:10:19,502 --> 00:10:23,177 So thank you. Thank you, England. 197 00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:30,701 What could there possibly be to object to in that? 198 00:10:30,782 --> 00:10:31,737 I know. 199 00:10:31,822 --> 00:10:34,973 The paedophile's good, as well. Really? 200 00:10:35,062 --> 00:10:36,541 He was brilliant. 201 00:10:36,622 --> 00:10:40,740 I don't doubt you. I don't doubt you. But it's not up to me. 202 00:10:40,822 --> 00:10:43,416 Perhaps we should ask the Home Secretary? 203 00:10:43,502 --> 00:10:47,541 Oh! But you ARE the Home Secretary, aren't you? 204 00:10:47,622 --> 00:10:50,614 I understand what you're saying but the situation remains - 205 00:10:50,702 --> 00:10:53,535 Five love this campaign but Ten are saying no. 206 00:10:53,622 --> 00:10:56,739 I'm not good at figures. Do you mind using words? 207 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,778 Of course. I'm sorry. Ml5, Number Ten. 208 00:10:58,862 --> 00:11:03,652 We can't be seen to be involved in negative campaigning. 209 00:11:03,742 --> 00:11:05,937 It didn't bother you when you dealt with the BBC. 210 00:11:06,022 --> 00:11:08,377 I'm afraid I've got to wind this up now. 211 00:11:08,462 --> 00:11:11,260 I'm grateful. You've done a wonderful job on this 212 00:11:11,342 --> 00:11:14,652 but I should say to you, in the spirit of accountability... 213 00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:16,061 Oh, God. 214 00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:19,100 ...that we've asked Freuds to tender for this campaign. 215 00:11:19,182 --> 00:11:20,456 Freuds? 216 00:11:20,542 --> 00:11:25,172 Their big idea is that this campaign should be essentially... fluffy. 217 00:11:25,262 --> 00:11:26,490 Freuds? 218 00:11:26,582 --> 00:11:31,133 How dare she call us in just so she can wave them in our face! 219 00:11:31,222 --> 00:11:33,454 You're shouting. I know I'm shouting. It's deliberate. 220 00:11:37,302 --> 00:11:40,214 Well, as you say - good luck to them. 221 00:11:40,302 --> 00:11:43,578 His great-grandfather may have invented psychoanalysis 222 00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:47,621 but his uncle sold dog food on TV, that's all we need know about 223 00:11:47,702 --> 00:11:48,691 Mathew Freud. 224 00:11:48,782 --> 00:11:51,171 Not especially good dog food, either. 225 00:11:51,262 --> 00:11:52,411 (MOBILE PHONE BEEPS) 226 00:11:56,942 --> 00:11:59,740 Ah, that's interesting. What? 227 00:11:59,822 --> 00:12:01,902 Who do we know at Liverpool Street Station? 228 00:12:01,902 --> 00:12:03,813 Liverpool Street? Why? 229 00:12:03,902 --> 00:12:08,737 I've got an anonymous text telling me to be at the bar there at 1.30. 230 00:12:08,822 --> 00:12:13,373 Isn't that the place Ml5 use to get pissed and lose their laptops? 231 00:12:15,062 --> 00:12:16,939 You still driving or have we stopped? 232 00:12:17,022 --> 00:12:18,660 It's hard to tell the difference. 233 00:12:18,742 --> 00:12:22,417 Charles. Harry Hawkins. Intelligence. 234 00:12:24,662 --> 00:12:26,220 Intelligence? Are you sure? 235 00:12:26,302 --> 00:12:28,020 What were you expecting? 236 00:12:28,102 --> 00:12:31,856 In Le Carre, they're all old Harrovians called Oliver. 237 00:12:31,942 --> 00:12:34,331 You are out of touch. Don't you watch Spooks? 238 00:12:34,422 --> 00:12:36,652 Television's not for watching, it's for being on. 239 00:12:36,742 --> 00:12:40,337 Listen, I thought the ads you did were brilliant. 240 00:12:40,422 --> 00:12:44,301 I couldn't decide if I liked the nonce or the towelhead best. 241 00:12:45,142 --> 00:12:47,781 The Prime Minister didn't agree with you. 242 00:12:47,862 --> 00:12:50,376 He could never tell spunk from hummus. 243 00:12:50,462 --> 00:12:54,774 Freuds have got this campaign with Alan Titchmarsh arsing on about 244 00:12:54,862 --> 00:12:57,142 how ID cards are like a glorified loyalty card. 245 00:12:57,142 --> 00:12:58,939 Alan Titchmarsh? 246 00:12:59,022 --> 00:13:01,695 But he isn't even fluffy. He's a clown. 247 00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:04,250 We told them but this Government thinks that 248 00:13:04,342 --> 00:13:07,300 if you've been on TV twice, you're the second coming. 249 00:13:07,382 --> 00:13:10,101 But we need a campaign that's actually going to work. 250 00:13:10,182 --> 00:13:14,061 It's important that people realise they want ID cards. 251 00:13:14,142 --> 00:13:15,461 What's it got to do with me? 252 00:13:15,542 --> 00:13:18,978 We know you can do it. We've got a lot of confidence in you. 253 00:13:19,062 --> 00:13:23,852 That's very sweet of you but let me explain what I mean by KNOW. 254 00:13:23,942 --> 00:13:28,732 For a start, you can remove your ludicrously primitive taps 255 00:13:28,822 --> 00:13:30,460 from Prentiss McCabe phone lines. 256 00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:33,295 As you well know, we don't do things like that. 257 00:13:33,382 --> 00:13:35,498 This is England, after all. 258 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,857 However, that reminds me, there is something 259 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:41,378 I ought to say that might help you change your mind. 260 00:13:41,462 --> 00:13:43,976 Oh, yes. What's that? 261 00:13:44,062 --> 00:13:48,613 We've done a bit of background research on you, a bit of homework. 262 00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:50,533 What are you driving at? 263 00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:54,456 Basically, Charles, we know. 264 00:13:56,142 --> 00:13:59,293 Ha! Ha! Ha! I see! Yes, that old trick. 265 00:13:59,382 --> 00:14:04,012 I suppose your problem here, though, from your point of view, 266 00:14:04,102 --> 00:14:08,141 is that you can't rule out that we DO know your darkest secret 267 00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:11,612 and might find a way to make it public. 268 00:14:13,302 --> 00:14:16,419 From memory, the deadline for tenders is next Friday. 269 00:14:16,502 --> 00:14:18,697 Gives you a week. 270 00:14:29,382 --> 00:14:31,062 You OK? 271 00:14:31,062 --> 00:14:32,700 Yeah, I'm fine. Just swallowing some water. 272 00:14:32,782 --> 00:14:35,740 And some painkillers. Yes, I thought I might as well. 273 00:14:35,822 --> 00:14:37,662 I think you let this spy stuff get to you a bit. 274 00:14:37,662 --> 00:14:38,777 No, I'm not. 275 00:14:38,862 --> 00:14:40,702 We're all winding each other up. I'm not. 276 00:14:40,702 --> 00:14:42,374 It is interesting, though, 277 00:14:42,462 --> 00:14:46,302 what everybody's secret'd be, the thing you don't want other people to know. 278 00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:48,418 Everybody has one. Hmm. 279 00:14:48,502 --> 00:14:50,936 Have they? I mean... 280 00:14:51,022 --> 00:14:53,456 Think about Jamie. 281 00:14:53,542 --> 00:14:56,295 Nothing would surprise me there. Nothing at all. 282 00:14:56,382 --> 00:14:59,340 Vice rings, drug dealing, incest. Yes. 283 00:14:59,422 --> 00:15:02,022 Nick - he's probably fiddling the accounts. 284 00:15:02,022 --> 00:15:04,536 Is he? Yeah. Probably. 285 00:15:04,622 --> 00:15:07,341 Right. What about me? 286 00:15:07,422 --> 00:15:09,572 I've no idea. No, but have a guess. 287 00:15:09,662 --> 00:15:13,257 You probably sleep around quite a lot. 288 00:15:13,342 --> 00:15:16,778 Yeah, but that's not really a secret, is it? Right. 289 00:15:16,862 --> 00:15:18,542 What about me? 290 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,578 God, I don't know - I haven't thought about you. 291 00:15:20,662 --> 00:15:25,062 CHARLES: Heads up, everyone. Briefing, round room, tomorrow morning, 8.30. 292 00:15:25,062 --> 00:15:26,939 NICK: 8.30?! JAMIE: In the morning? 293 00:15:27,022 --> 00:15:28,942 Wow! 294 00:15:28,942 --> 00:15:30,978 08.30 hours sharp. This is not a drill. 295 00:15:31,062 --> 00:15:35,817 Our target - ID cards. The enemy - Freuds. 296 00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:53,700 We're pitching it to Channel Four next week. 297 00:15:53,782 --> 00:15:58,102 If they like it, we've got an idea for a follow up series on diarrhoea. 298 00:15:58,102 --> 00:16:00,218 That should run and run. Pardon. 299 00:16:00,302 --> 00:16:03,055 That should... Why did you go into TV? 300 00:16:03,142 --> 00:16:06,062 I used to work in PR but it was full of creeps 301 00:16:06,062 --> 00:16:08,895 who thought you'd pop your thong if they bought you a drink. 302 00:16:08,982 --> 00:16:10,938 What about you? 303 00:16:11,022 --> 00:16:13,775 I work for charity. Nice. 304 00:16:19,982 --> 00:16:24,419 Cat, it's Allison, can you pick up, if you're there? 305 00:16:24,502 --> 00:16:25,935 Um... 306 00:16:26,022 --> 00:16:28,502 Right, well, I'll just carry on talking. 307 00:16:28,502 --> 00:16:32,461 Maybe you are in and you're on your way to the phone. 308 00:16:32,542 --> 00:16:36,862 Look, Catherine, I know you'll say I'm paranoid, but I'm not. 309 00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:39,979 I think that I may have a tail. 310 00:16:40,062 --> 00:16:42,178 Well, two, actually. 311 00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:45,538 Can you pick up the phone if you're there? 312 00:16:45,622 --> 00:16:47,622 Yeah. But only for your blood group. 313 00:16:47,622 --> 00:16:48,662 Right. 314 00:16:48,662 --> 00:16:51,574 But what's so brilliant is you're allowed to put on weight. 315 00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:52,702 Ah! 316 00:16:52,702 --> 00:16:55,822 It doesn't matter. What it is, basically, everybody has their own vegetable. 317 00:16:55,822 --> 00:16:57,096 Wow! 318 00:16:57,182 --> 00:17:01,175 Most people don't know what it is... (PHONE RINGS) 319 00:17:01,262 --> 00:17:03,218 Forgive me. 320 00:17:03,302 --> 00:17:06,055 Hello. Hey, Hallie. 321 00:17:06,142 --> 00:17:10,181 No, no, I was just shouting at an anorexic. 322 00:17:11,662 --> 00:17:15,450 Did they do anything when you came in? One was using a laptop. 323 00:17:15,542 --> 00:17:18,978 The other guy was just speaking into his sleeve. 324 00:17:19,062 --> 00:17:22,896 This isn't a joke. I was just trying to lighten things up. 325 00:17:22,982 --> 00:17:24,982 Well, at least you're here. 326 00:17:24,982 --> 00:17:28,770 Yeah. Have to say, I never thought I'd get to come in your flat. 327 00:17:28,862 --> 00:17:31,137 No pun intended. What? 328 00:17:31,222 --> 00:17:33,178 Of course I'm here. 329 00:17:33,262 --> 00:17:37,221 I have absolutely no idea what's going on. Probably nothing. 330 00:17:37,302 --> 00:17:42,092 You did the right thing to call me. I'm really glad you felt you could. 331 00:17:42,182 --> 00:17:45,777 Well, do you want something to drink? 332 00:17:45,862 --> 00:17:50,262 No, thanks. I'll just wait until you're calmer or they've gone, then I'll go. 333 00:17:50,262 --> 00:17:51,741 You needn't worry. 334 00:17:51,822 --> 00:17:53,942 Worry about what? 335 00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:56,502 Look, I know what you think about me, Ali. 336 00:17:56,582 --> 00:18:00,211 I know you called other people first. I'm not stupid. 337 00:18:00,302 --> 00:18:03,612 What do I think about you? OK. 338 00:18:03,702 --> 00:18:08,696 Insincere, unreliable, impossibly attractive... 339 00:18:08,782 --> 00:18:13,219 That was a joke, Ali. ...unprincipled, clever, selfish. 340 00:18:13,302 --> 00:18:16,374 Sort of an all-round shit, really. 341 00:18:18,062 --> 00:18:20,098 Yes, OK. It's cool. 342 00:18:21,382 --> 00:18:23,577 I probably deserve it. 343 00:18:23,662 --> 00:18:26,381 Sometimes it can get you down though. 344 00:18:27,462 --> 00:18:30,420 So it's nice when somebody trusts you. 345 00:18:30,502 --> 00:18:34,620 Even if it is only for a few minutes and they're vulnerable 346 00:18:34,702 --> 00:18:40,891 so I'm not about to abuse that trust by... Well, you can probably imagine. 347 00:18:40,982 --> 00:18:42,734 No. 348 00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:46,895 Well, I mean, yes, but, no, you're not. Good. 349 00:18:47,982 --> 00:18:50,337 Maybe just a cup of tea. 350 00:19:04,622 --> 00:19:06,374 Fuck! 351 00:19:06,462 --> 00:19:10,011 I wouldn't blame yourself, Ali - it happens. 352 00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:19,102 I think we'll have to assume everything we say on the phone 353 00:19:19,102 --> 00:19:20,933 will be heard by Ml5. 354 00:19:21,022 --> 00:19:25,582 It's 20 to 9.00 and I can't help but notice the fifth form girl 355 00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,971 and the spiv haven't turned up yet. 356 00:19:28,062 --> 00:19:30,212 It is a bit fierce, though - 8.30. 357 00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:34,056 It's astonishing the number of people who are up and about. 358 00:19:34,142 --> 00:19:36,982 James had to go to the dentist. Yeah! 359 00:19:36,982 --> 00:19:38,622 Apparently, he has something wrong with his teeth. 360 00:19:38,622 --> 00:19:40,101 Yeah! 361 00:19:40,182 --> 00:19:42,696 Stop making that noise. What about Alison? 362 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:43,862 No idea. 363 00:19:43,862 --> 00:19:47,616 Apparently, she's usually here early. Perhaps she's late. 364 00:19:47,702 --> 00:19:51,854 Bugger me! That's brilliant! No wonder you earn the top bucks! 365 00:19:51,942 --> 00:19:54,581 No, I mean she's just genuinely late. 366 00:19:54,662 --> 00:19:55,777 (DOOR OPENS) 367 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,172 Oh, Alison, how good of you to turn up! Sorry. 368 00:19:59,262 --> 00:20:02,062 I trust we haven't been keeping you from anything important. 369 00:20:02,062 --> 00:20:03,290 Oh, no. 370 00:20:04,462 --> 00:20:06,896 Oh, um, no, not at all. 371 00:20:06,982 --> 00:20:11,533 Right. This bloody meeting is now under bloody way. 372 00:20:11,622 --> 00:20:15,774 Last in, first up - Alison. I trust you've done your homework. 373 00:20:15,862 --> 00:20:19,172 Um, yes, yes, I... It's... Yes, I have. 374 00:20:19,262 --> 00:20:23,574 Good, so big ideas for winning the British public round to ID cards. 375 00:20:23,662 --> 00:20:28,372 Right. Yes. Good. Thank you. Thank you, Charles. 376 00:20:28,462 --> 00:20:30,134 Fire away. 377 00:20:30,222 --> 00:20:32,258 Right. Yes. Um... 378 00:20:33,742 --> 00:20:37,098 Oh, um, I'm really sorry I was late this morning, by the way, 379 00:20:37,182 --> 00:20:41,812 I, um... the batteries in my alarm were wrong. Broken. 380 00:20:41,902 --> 00:20:44,894 Bloody annoying. Um, right. 381 00:20:44,982 --> 00:20:46,381 Um... 382 00:20:47,462 --> 00:20:49,180 OK - ID cards... 383 00:20:49,262 --> 00:20:51,617 Um, lower the price. 384 00:20:51,702 --> 00:20:56,222 You said yourself, Charles, that what people object to is the cost of them 385 00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:58,531 without any tangible benefits. 386 00:20:58,622 --> 00:21:02,058 So if the cost goes down, then the objections... 387 00:21:02,142 --> 00:21:06,135 That's not the only idea I have, I've got quite a few. 388 00:21:06,222 --> 00:21:09,294 It's a rubbish idea, Ali. Hi, everybody. 389 00:21:09,382 --> 00:21:11,342 Why was it rubbish? 390 00:21:11,342 --> 00:21:14,300 It's sensible and obvious. The government doesn't do sensible things. 391 00:21:14,382 --> 00:21:17,135 And Prentiss and McCabe don't do obvious things. 392 00:21:17,222 --> 00:21:20,817 I think it's just possible that Alison might have done it again. 393 00:21:20,902 --> 00:21:23,257 Really?! Oh, no, I haven't. 394 00:21:23,342 --> 00:21:24,502 What? 395 00:21:24,502 --> 00:21:26,382 I think in your ignorance 396 00:21:26,382 --> 00:21:29,101 you might have stumbled upon the makings of a good idea. 397 00:21:29,182 --> 00:21:32,458 Which is? Put it up. 398 00:21:33,662 --> 00:21:36,222 Put the price up? Exactly. 399 00:21:36,302 --> 00:21:38,293 To £101. 400 00:21:38,382 --> 00:21:42,933 £1 of which goes into a special new identity lottery fund. 401 00:21:43,022 --> 00:21:46,219 Right, yeah, I see. That's great. Neat. 402 00:21:46,302 --> 00:21:49,055 60 million citizens - that's a pretty big pot. 403 00:21:49,142 --> 00:21:52,742 A bit smaller once Prentiss and McCabe have taken their operating costs, 404 00:21:52,742 --> 00:21:54,892 but large nonetheless. 405 00:21:54,982 --> 00:21:59,102 One identity card number chosen by computer scoops the lot. 406 00:21:59,102 --> 00:22:02,942 So instead of appealing to fear, we're appealing to greed. 407 00:22:02,942 --> 00:22:03,897 Exactly. 408 00:22:03,982 --> 00:22:06,780 That is fairly brilliant. 409 00:22:06,862 --> 00:22:09,012 Good. Make it so. 410 00:22:25,982 --> 00:22:27,702 Right, excellent. Thank you, Catherine. 411 00:22:27,702 --> 00:22:29,135 No worries. 412 00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:31,213 What are you doing? 413 00:22:31,302 --> 00:22:33,302 Nothing. Work. 414 00:22:33,302 --> 00:22:35,502 Nick and I were going through some things. 415 00:22:35,502 --> 00:22:37,618 What's the piece of paper? There isn't one. 416 00:22:39,342 --> 00:22:41,462 OK, there's a book. We're running this book. 417 00:22:41,462 --> 00:22:42,451 A book? 418 00:22:42,542 --> 00:22:44,022 On why you were late this morning. 419 00:22:44,022 --> 00:22:45,455 I see. Nothing, really. 420 00:22:45,542 --> 00:22:47,902 And what's the betting in this book? 421 00:22:47,902 --> 00:22:50,700 Runaway favourite is taking your mum for an x-ray, 422 00:22:50,782 --> 00:22:54,982 returning a book to the library to avoid paying a fine and parish council meeting. 423 00:22:54,982 --> 00:22:56,461 That was mine. 424 00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:57,982 And that's it? 425 00:22:57,982 --> 00:22:59,381 Yeah. Yes. 426 00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:01,222 I see. More or less. 427 00:23:01,222 --> 00:23:02,211 What? 428 00:23:02,302 --> 00:23:06,295 Well, there was one other bit. Right. Let's have that then. 429 00:23:06,382 --> 00:23:10,614 Shagging... which is obviously just stupid. 430 00:23:10,702 --> 00:23:11,896 OK. 431 00:23:11,982 --> 00:23:13,462 It's just a bit of fun. 432 00:23:13,462 --> 00:23:15,262 You don't have to tell us. 433 00:23:15,262 --> 00:23:16,862 No, I like fun. 434 00:23:16,862 --> 00:23:19,330 I was late this morning because I overslept. 435 00:23:19,422 --> 00:23:20,902 I thought of that. 436 00:23:20,902 --> 00:23:24,262 I overslept because I was having intercourse until the early hours. 437 00:23:24,262 --> 00:23:25,854 Shit. God! 438 00:23:25,942 --> 00:23:28,502 Intercourse? Yes. 439 00:23:28,582 --> 00:23:30,652 Sorry, guys. 440 00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:33,540 Nice one, mate. Good punt. 441 00:23:33,622 --> 00:23:35,582 You've got some nose when they've got the hose? 442 00:23:35,582 --> 00:23:37,174 That was your bet? 443 00:23:37,262 --> 00:23:38,462 It was a long shot. 444 00:23:38,462 --> 00:23:39,902 You said double or quits. 445 00:23:39,902 --> 00:23:41,130 Did I? Yeah. 446 00:23:41,222 --> 00:23:44,062 Double or quits? If you were right about who it was with. 447 00:23:44,062 --> 00:23:45,780 Who did you say? 448 00:23:46,862 --> 00:23:48,420 Martin. 449 00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:52,735 Martin? 450 00:23:55,822 --> 00:24:00,262 One of these people could soon be millions of pounds richer. 451 00:24:00,262 --> 00:24:03,379 There are about 60 million people in this fine country of ours 452 00:24:03,462 --> 00:24:09,571 which means if we all had ID cards, one of us somewhere would win £60 million. 453 00:24:09,662 --> 00:24:11,702 Definitely count me in. Count me in. 454 00:24:11,702 --> 00:24:12,657 I'm in, yes. 455 00:24:12,742 --> 00:24:14,812 I'm in. Are you? 456 00:24:14,902 --> 00:24:16,051 ALL: Yeah! 457 00:24:16,142 --> 00:24:18,781 It's a question of identity. 458 00:24:18,862 --> 00:24:20,582 You already know who you are - 459 00:24:20,582 --> 00:24:22,254 isn't it time we did too? 460 00:24:22,342 --> 00:24:25,300 Brilliant! It's rather good, isn't it? 461 00:24:25,382 --> 00:24:29,694 What's good is it's so us. Yes, that's rather what we thought. 462 00:24:29,782 --> 00:24:32,535 That just about ticks all the boxes for Ten and for Five. 463 00:24:32,622 --> 00:24:34,977 Goodness me - what a lot of boxes. 464 00:24:36,062 --> 00:24:39,532 So, tell me, how's the fluffy campaign going? 465 00:24:39,622 --> 00:24:42,662 Ah, well, it, um... Who is it again? 466 00:24:42,662 --> 00:24:45,415 Freuds. Oh, yes. Freuds. That's right. 467 00:24:45,502 --> 00:24:49,022 We focus-grouped some of the rough cuts of the Titchmarsh campaign. 468 00:24:49,022 --> 00:24:49,977 And? 469 00:24:50,062 --> 00:24:54,422 The consensus was that it was all a bit sort of... well, a bit sort of Lib Dem. 470 00:24:54,422 --> 00:24:55,901 Oh, dear. Oh, no. 471 00:24:55,982 --> 00:24:58,862 Do you know what I mean by that? Of course I don't. 472 00:24:58,862 --> 00:25:00,614 No, that was the problem. 473 00:25:00,702 --> 00:25:02,340 Yes. 474 00:25:03,582 --> 00:25:06,335 Aren't you the George Smiley today. 475 00:25:06,422 --> 00:25:09,858 Good work, mate. Good work. I told you you were good. 476 00:25:09,942 --> 00:25:13,491 No, you didn't. You blackmailed me, remember? 477 00:25:13,582 --> 00:25:17,018 The ID lottery - one of the great ideas of our time. 478 00:25:17,102 --> 00:25:18,902 There's something of the zeitgeist about it. 479 00:25:18,902 --> 00:25:20,654 Zeitgeist's my middle name. 480 00:25:21,782 --> 00:25:27,493 I gotta be careful what I say here, but you've done yourself no harm, mate. 481 00:25:27,582 --> 00:25:31,211 No harm at all, if you follow my drift. 482 00:25:31,302 --> 00:25:33,102 What are you offering me? 483 00:25:33,102 --> 00:25:36,253 I'm not offering you anything, but if I was, what would you want? 484 00:25:36,342 --> 00:25:39,022 I would've thought you'd know that already. 485 00:25:39,022 --> 00:25:42,571 Look, Charles, we only know what you think we do. 486 00:25:42,662 --> 00:25:44,618 Don't start all that again! 487 00:25:44,702 --> 00:25:48,902 What I want is for you to call your people off Prentiss McCabe. 488 00:25:48,902 --> 00:25:51,780 Let us get back to our quiet little lives. 489 00:25:51,862 --> 00:25:56,302 There were no people, Charles. There never were. On the level. 490 00:25:56,302 --> 00:25:58,213 What about all the phone stuff? 491 00:25:58,302 --> 00:26:01,294 You gave me that. You mentioned the telephones. 492 00:26:01,382 --> 00:26:05,091 From my point of view, if you thought it was us, that didn't hurt. 493 00:26:05,182 --> 00:26:06,742 Who was it then? 494 00:26:06,742 --> 00:26:08,702 As it happens, we did run a check on that. 495 00:26:08,702 --> 00:26:09,702 Freuds? 496 00:26:09,702 --> 00:26:11,499 BT. BT? 497 00:26:11,582 --> 00:26:14,380 It was a genuine fault on the line. But... 498 00:26:14,462 --> 00:26:17,898 ...you let me bel... Oh, that's outrageous. 499 00:26:20,742 --> 00:26:23,814 About all of us? I'm afraid so, Martin. 500 00:26:23,902 --> 00:26:28,182 I imagine they've done more than tap our phones. I dread to think. 501 00:26:28,182 --> 00:26:30,571 God! I know. 502 00:26:30,662 --> 00:26:35,099 Do you mind me asking, did they tell you what it is they had on us? 503 00:26:35,182 --> 00:26:37,377 No, I don't mind you asking, Martin. 504 00:26:37,462 --> 00:26:41,774 Let us never have any secrets between us about anything. Ever. 505 00:26:41,862 --> 00:26:44,217 How can I put this? 506 00:26:45,302 --> 00:26:47,133 One or two things. 507 00:26:47,222 --> 00:26:50,020 About me? One or two things. 508 00:26:50,102 --> 00:26:54,380 Um, one thing in particular. The driving license. 509 00:26:54,462 --> 00:26:57,420 'Fraid so. Shit. 510 00:26:57,502 --> 00:27:00,342 I wouldn't normally mention it, but... 511 00:27:00,342 --> 00:27:03,652 It wasn't my fault. I wasn't that drunk. I could still see. 512 00:27:03,742 --> 00:27:06,462 I couldn't believe it when they disqualified me. 513 00:27:06,462 --> 00:27:09,818 Have you ever tried to get a taxi in Suffolk? 514 00:27:09,902 --> 00:27:13,862 I thought if I treated the Highway Code as though it was the Koran, 515 00:27:13,862 --> 00:27:15,898 I might get away with it. 516 00:27:15,982 --> 00:27:19,531 Oh, well, there you go - I suppose I'll just have to... 517 00:27:20,782 --> 00:27:23,137 You old shit! 518 00:27:23,222 --> 00:27:26,382 Now, Martin... They didn't have anything on us! 519 00:27:26,382 --> 00:27:28,816 You didn't know anything about the driving license! 520 00:27:28,902 --> 00:27:30,142 I do now. 521 00:27:30,142 --> 00:27:32,610 That's the oldest bloody trick in the bloody book. 522 00:27:32,702 --> 00:27:35,057 I know. Good one, though, isn't it? 523 00:27:36,342 --> 00:27:39,862 Everybody writes their biggest secret on a piece of paper, 524 00:27:39,862 --> 00:27:43,650 then stands up and admits to it when it's read out. 525 00:27:43,742 --> 00:27:45,698 Then we're free. 526 00:28:13,182 --> 00:28:15,616 Oh, Christ! Terrific! 527 00:28:15,702 --> 00:28:18,216 Go on. Can't back out now. Read it. 528 00:28:19,662 --> 00:28:21,971 "I've slept with Jamie.