We're late.
I'm doing the best I can.
It's an offence
under the Highway Code to drive too slowly.
Telephone the Press Association.
We've found a law you're not interested in breaking.
Come on! What's a small speeding fine? A few points.
It's just the Government's way of taxing the rich.
It's a status symbol. Like a yacht.
We've just been overtaken by a pensioner on a bicycle.
It's Nick at Prentiss McCabe.
This new Channel 4 celebrity gene replacement show.
They've come up with the idea of making you into a sporting superstar.
Don't know if you'd be interested in that.
Give me a bell if it sells. Speak soon. Ciao.
Let me guess - Vanessa Feltz? No.
Michael Winner? No. Tim Henman.
Oh, right. Cool.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello, Nick Mayer.
Hello?
Again. What?
Every time I put the phone down, it rings again and no-one's there.
That happened to me yesterday, too. It could be the invisible man.
That doesn't really work.
The man with no, er...
Yeah.
ID, sir? We are here...
Late. ...to see our client, the Home Secretary.
Speaking, with an irony you're unlikely to grasp,
about identity cards.
They haven't put your name on the gate. Have you got a driving licence?
Erm...
I don't seem to have it. I'll have to talk to someone.
I'm not saying she won't do it.
If she accepts, there must be no photos of her bottom, her feet,
her bottom, her feet, her ankles, her mouth, obviously.
Well, yes, it does. It leaves a lot.
Well, the whole of her middle is fine, her arms.
Some parts of her face.
If you want the Prime Minister's wife, these are the conditions.
Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?
Yes, I... Weird.
I can hear him. He can't hear me. Hello? Hello?
Bollocks.
I told you.
What is the matter with these phones?
Big Brother. What?
George Orwell, 1984. They're probably tapping our phones.
It happens all the time. What do you mean? Who's they?
Does it matter? Ml5. Al-Qaeda Perverts. Guys with beards.
Is there anything you take seriously?
Mmm... Apart from drugs, obviously.
Nice one.
Yeah.
The most recent polls show 50% of the nation are opposed to ID cards.
When electric light was invented,
most of the public said they'd stick with candles.
It'll take more than sound bites to change minds.
Exactly, Dermot.
This is a moment to change hearts and minds,
which is why the Government is launching a major campaign
to convince the public that this is a plastic card
which will pay off for ALL of us.
The plastic card that pays off went down a treat.
We'll need more of those on this campaign.
You'll be needing a miracle.
Isn't that what you do? You flatter us.
No, I don't. You said you did.
What Martin means is you'll have to take the country with you on this.
Even for this Government,
isn't the 50% against ID cards a bit of a problem?
As I said, when electric light was invented.
You can't expect me to believe that - I wrote it.
Here's someone who might convince you. Per Hofstad of Idea.
Ikea? Idea.
Gentlemen.
Per's company has carried out the feasibility scheme on ID cards.
Of course. Excellent.
I'm here to dot the t's and cross the i's.
Yes.
Such as how Britain's national security can be run from Stockholm.
The Home Secretary has asked me to share our research material.
History shows that leaders who have asked citizens
to carry identity cards have tended to be dictatorial warmongers
who ignored public will.
No risk of that being an issue here, then.
Wasn't there opposition in Sweden to ID cards?
Originally, yes,
but that really took a tumble after our Prime Minister was shot.
That might be a bit, erm... Yes.
Still. Interesting idea, though.
Yes, yes, yes.
In essence, Home Secretary,
our objection to this whole campaign is that we've yet to meet
a single person outside the Home Office who's in favour of ID cards.
In all honesty, Charles... Don't say that -
it's so much harder to believe you.
We're only doing this because Ml5 and Ml6 want it.
Oh, I see. Ml5?
Forgive me for saying this but don't they, sort of, work for you?
Let's just say they're putting
a certain amount of pressure on us on this one.
Threatening to release a few e-mails that the Government "forgot" to show
Hutton and Butler.
That is preposterous.
We need the finest minds on this campaign if it is to succeed.
Gentlemen, you must turn round the supertanker.
Oh, yes. It's a song by Abba.
A celebrity campaign. Nadia Almada or John Tickle
holding up an ID card - "Why I'm not afraid of Big Brother."
John Tickle? Is he a real person? Well...
Come on, people. Think.
People fear ID cards because they think they'll lose their privacy.
And we're thinking of putting up posters of people
who'd crawl over broken glass to give theirs away?
Martin, have you got your driving licence?
No, I left mine at home.
Never mind.
Here is our problem - buy one of these and you can drive.
Shell out on a passport and you can fly to New York.
Even a BBC licence fee lets you watch EastEnders.
But we're asking people to pay a hundred quid to the Government
for an ID card that gains them nothing
and loses them their privacy.
If you actually think about it,
it's only people with nasty secrets who have anything to fear from them.
That's a little bald.
Many of us have objections on grounds of civil liberties.
What's your nasty secret, Martin?
If I had a secret of any kind - which I don't, by the way -
you would be the very last person to know.
Alison may be on to something. Thank you, Charles.
Only she hasn't understood what it is. I have, actually.
We've been thinking of arguments in FAVOUR of ID cards.
We should have been thinking of arguments AGAINST them.
Exactly.
What sort of character WOULDN'T want them?
Mustapha Allawallah, suicide bomber.
Fingers Ratner, housebreaker.
Shamus O'Anus, Irish terrorist. Uncle Fumble, the paedophile.
Johnny Junk Bum, drug smuggler.
Mr Asylum Seeker, the asylum seeker.
We might want to brainstorm that name a bit.
Sumarco, obviously.
And, of course, Ml5 will love it.
Ml5?
I told you. They're not allowed to do that, are they?
They can do whatever they want.
Surely they have to ask your permission first?
I had a friend who worked for a company that builds helicopters
and they bugged his flat for months.
How could you tell? You couldn't.
Then one day he just vanished.
Vanished? Yeah.
He went to Spain.
Weird.
I don't want to be sexist but you two are behaving like women.
Ha! I'm not paranoid.
I didn't say you were paranoid. What?
Phones go wrong. It's a machine. Its got wires. It's no big deal.
People with something to fear are those who've done stuff
they don't want others to know about.
Yeah, exactly.
The whole thing's ridiculous.
MAN: Hello? Anyone home?
BT, love.
Yeah, BT.
Quick look at the phones.
Right.
Let me tell you why I am so opposed to these dreadful ID cards.
They will cause a lot of delays.
Especially at airports.
When I'm flying to New York or maybe London next time.
I'm simply dying to get on that plane.
MAN: Cut.
Smashing. Well done.
We got enough of the hook? Loads.
Well done, Mohammed, love. That's a wrap for you.
Thank you.
Bring on the paedophile.
OK. OK, Geoff, are we there? We're sorted.
I'll just make a test call, if that's OK?
Yes, that's fine. Feel free. I'm just at my desk, working normally.
Good. Well...
That seems to be working fine. Good.
But if you get any trouble... There won't be.
...you know where we are. Yes, thank you very much for coming.
In the country where we come from, everyone has to have papers.
Everyone knows who you are.
But in England, you have none of this nonsense.
When our asylum application was refused,
we just disappeared into Eastbourne.
If you'd had those terrible ID cards,
we might have been sent home.
So thank you. Thank you, England.
What could there possibly be to object to in that?
I know.
The paedophile's good, as well. Really?
He was brilliant.
I don't doubt you. I don't doubt you. But it's not up to me.
Perhaps we should ask the Home Secretary?
Oh! But you ARE the Home Secretary, aren't you?
I understand what you're saying but the situation remains -
Five love this campaign but Ten are saying no.
I'm not good at figures. Do you mind using words?
Of course. I'm sorry. Ml5, Number Ten.
We can't be seen to be involved in negative campaigning.
It didn't bother you when you dealt with the BBC.
I'm afraid I've got to wind this up now.
I'm grateful. You've done a wonderful job on this
but I should say to you, in the spirit of accountability...
Oh, God.
...that we've asked Freuds to tender for this campaign.
Freuds?
Their big idea is that this campaign should be essentially... fluffy.
Freuds?
How dare she call us in just so she can wave them in our face!
You're shouting. I know I'm shouting. It's deliberate.
Well, as you say - good luck to them.
His great-grandfather may have invented psychoanalysis
but his uncle sold dog food on TV, that's all we need know about
Mathew Freud.
Not especially good dog food, either.
(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)
Ah, that's interesting. What?
Who do we know at Liverpool Street Station?
Liverpool Street? Why?
I've got an anonymous text telling me to be at the bar there at 1.30.
Isn't that the place Ml5 use to get pissed and lose their laptops?
You still driving or have we stopped?
It's hard to tell the difference.
Charles. Harry Hawkins. Intelligence.
Intelligence? Are you sure?
What were you expecting?
In Le Carre, they're all old Harrovians called Oliver.
You are out of touch. Don't you watch Spooks?
Television's not for watching, it's for being on.
Listen, I thought the ads you did were brilliant.
I couldn't decide if I liked the nonce or the towelhead best.
The Prime Minister didn't agree with you.
He could never tell spunk from hummus.
Freuds have got this campaign with Alan Titchmarsh arsing on about
how ID cards are like a glorified loyalty card.
Alan Titchmarsh?
But he isn't even fluffy. He's a clown.
We told them but this Government thinks that
if you've been on TV twice, you're the second coming.
But we need a campaign that's actually going to work.
It's important that people realise they want ID cards.
What's it got to do with me?
We know you can do it. We've got a lot of confidence in you.
That's very sweet of you but let me explain what I mean by KNOW.
For a start, you can remove your ludicrously primitive taps
from Prentiss McCabe phone lines.
As you well know, we don't do things like that.
This is England, after all.
However, that reminds me, there is something
I ought to say that might help you change your mind.
Oh, yes. What's that?
We've done a bit of background research on you, a bit of homework.
What are you driving at?
Basically, Charles, we know.
Ha! Ha! Ha! I see! Yes, that old trick.
I suppose your problem here, though, from your point of view,
is that you can't rule out that we DO know your darkest secret
and might find a way to make it public.
From memory, the deadline for tenders is next Friday.
Gives you a week.
You OK?
Yeah, I'm fine. Just swallowing some water.
And some painkillers. Yes, I thought I might as well.
I think you let this spy stuff get to you a bit.
No, I'm not.
We're all winding each other up. I'm not.
It is interesting, though,
what everybody's secret'd be, the thing you don't want other people to know.
Everybody has one. Hmm.
Have they? I mean...
Think about Jamie.
Nothing would surprise me there. Nothing at all.
Vice rings, drug dealing, incest. Yes.
Nick - he's probably fiddling the accounts.
Is he? Yeah. Probably.
Right. What about me?
I've no idea. No, but have a guess.
You probably sleep around quite a lot.
Yeah, but that's not really a secret, is it? Right.
What about me?
God, I don't know - I haven't thought about you.
CHARLES: Heads up, everyone. Briefing, round room, tomorrow morning, 8.30.
NICK: 8.30?! JAMIE: In the morning?
Wow!
08.30 hours sharp. This is not a drill.
Our target - ID cards. The enemy - Freuds.
We're pitching it to Channel Four next week.
If they like it, we've got an idea for a follow up series on diarrhoea.
That should run and run. Pardon.
That should... Why did you go into TV?
I used to work in PR but it was full of creeps
who thought you'd pop your thong if they bought you a drink.
What about you?
I work for charity. Nice.
Cat, it's Allison, can you pick up, if you're there?
Um...
Right, well, I'll just carry on talking.
Maybe you are in and you're on your way to the phone.
Look, Catherine, I know you'll say I'm paranoid, but I'm not.
I think that I may have a tail.
Well, two, actually.
Can you pick up the phone if you're there?
Yeah. But only for your blood group.
Right.
But what's so brilliant is you're allowed to put on weight.
Ah!
It doesn't matter. What it is, basically, everybody has their own vegetable.
Wow!
Most people don't know what it is... (PHONE RINGS)
Forgive me.
Hello. Hey, Hallie.
No, no, I was just shouting at an anorexic.
Did they do anything when you came in? One was using a laptop.
The other guy was just speaking into his sleeve.
This isn't a joke. I was just trying to lighten things up.
Well, at least you're here.
Yeah. Have to say, I never thought I'd get to come in your flat.
No pun intended. What?
Of course I'm here.
I have absolutely no idea what's going on. Probably nothing.
You did the right thing to call me. I'm really glad you felt you could.
Well, do you want something to drink?
No, thanks. I'll just wait until you're calmer or they've gone, then I'll go.
You needn't worry.
Worry about what?
Look, I know what you think about me, Ali.
I know you called other people first. I'm not stupid.
What do I think about you? OK.
Insincere, unreliable, impossibly attractive...
That was a joke, Ali. ...unprincipled, clever, selfish.
Sort of an all-round shit, really.
Yes, OK. It's cool.
I probably deserve it.
Sometimes it can get you down though.
So it's nice when somebody trusts you.
Even if it is only for a few minutes and they're vulnerable
so I'm not about to abuse that trust by... Well, you can probably imagine.
No.
Well, I mean, yes, but, no, you're not. Good.
Maybe just a cup of tea.
Fuck!
I wouldn't blame yourself, Ali - it happens.
I think we'll have to assume everything we say on the phone
will be heard by Ml5.
It's 20 to 9.00 and I can't help but notice the fifth form girl
and the spiv haven't turned up yet.
It is a bit fierce, though - 8.30.
It's astonishing the number of people who are up and about.
James had to go to the dentist. Yeah!
Apparently, he has something wrong with his teeth.
Yeah!
Stop making that noise. What about Alison?
No idea.
Apparently, she's usually here early. Perhaps she's late.
Bugger me! That's brilliant! No wonder you earn the top bucks!
No, I mean she's just genuinely late.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, Alison, how good of you to turn up! Sorry.
I trust we haven't been keeping you from anything important.
Oh, no.
Oh, um, no, not at all.
Right. This bloody meeting is now under bloody way.
Last in, first up - Alison. I trust you've done your homework.
Um, yes, yes, I... It's... Yes, I have.
Good, so big ideas for winning the British public round to ID cards.
Right. Yes. Good. Thank you. Thank you, Charles.
Fire away.
Right. Yes. Um...
Oh, um, I'm really sorry I was late this morning, by the way,
I, um... the batteries in my alarm were wrong. Broken.
Bloody annoying. Um, right.
Um...
OK - ID cards...
Um, lower the price.
You said yourself, Charles, that what people object to is the cost of them
without any tangible benefits.
So if the cost goes down, then the objections...
That's not the only idea I have, I've got quite a few.
It's a rubbish idea, Ali. Hi, everybody.
Why was it rubbish?
It's sensible and obvious. The government doesn't do sensible things.
And Prentiss and McCabe don't do obvious things.
I think it's just possible that Alison might have done it again.
Really?! Oh, no, I haven't.
What?
I think in your ignorance
you might have stumbled upon the makings of a good idea.
Which is? Put it up.
Put the price up? Exactly.
To £101.
£1 of which goes into a special new identity lottery fund.
Right, yeah, I see. That's great. Neat.
60 million citizens - that's a pretty big pot.
A bit smaller once Prentiss and McCabe have taken their operating costs,
but large nonetheless.
One identity card number chosen by computer scoops the lot.
So instead of appealing to fear, we're appealing to greed.
Exactly.
That is fairly brilliant.
Good. Make it so.
Right, excellent. Thank you, Catherine.
No worries.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Work.
Nick and I were going through some things.
What's the piece of paper? There isn't one.
OK, there's a book. We're running this book.
A book?
On why you were late this morning.
I see. Nothing, really.
And what's the betting in this book?
Runaway favourite is taking your mum for an x-ray,
returning a book to the library to avoid paying a fine and parish council meeting.
That was mine.
And that's it?
Yeah. Yes.
I see. More or less.
What?
Well, there was one other bit. Right. Let's have that then.
Shagging... which is obviously just stupid.
OK.
It's just a bit of fun.
You don't have to tell us.
No, I like fun.
I was late this morning because I overslept.
I thought of that.
I overslept because I was having intercourse until the early hours.
Shit. God!
Intercourse? Yes.
Sorry, guys.
Nice one, mate. Good punt.
You've got some nose when they've got the hose?
That was your bet?
It was a long shot.
You said double or quits.
Did I? Yeah.
Double or quits? If you were right about who it was with.
Who did you say?
Martin.
Martin?
One of these people could soon be millions of pounds richer.
There are about 60 million people in this fine country of ours
which means if we all had ID cards, one of us somewhere would win £60 million.
Definitely count me in. Count me in.
I'm in, yes.
I'm in. Are you?
ALL: Yeah!
It's a question of identity.
You already know who you are -
isn't it time we did too?
Brilliant! It's rather good, isn't it?
What's good is it's so us. Yes, that's rather what we thought.
That just about ticks all the boxes for Ten and for Five.
Goodness me - what a lot of boxes.
So, tell me, how's the fluffy campaign going?
Ah, well, it, um... Who is it again?
Freuds. Oh, yes. Freuds. That's right.
We focus-grouped some of the rough cuts of the Titchmarsh campaign.
And?
The consensus was that it was all a bit sort of... well, a bit sort of Lib Dem.
Oh, dear. Oh, no.
Do you know what I mean by that? Of course I don't.
No, that was the problem.
Yes.
Aren't you the George Smiley today.
Good work, mate. Good work. I told you you were good.
No, you didn't. You blackmailed me, remember?
The ID lottery - one of the great ideas of our time.
There's something of the zeitgeist about it.
Zeitgeist's my middle name.
I gotta be careful what I say here, but you've done yourself no harm, mate.
No harm at all, if you follow my drift.
What are you offering me?
I'm not offering you anything, but if I was, what would you want?
I would've thought you'd know that already.
Look, Charles, we only know what you think we do.
Don't start all that again!
What I want is for you to call your people off Prentiss McCabe.
Let us get back to our quiet little lives.
There were no people, Charles. There never were. On the level.
What about all the phone stuff?
You gave me that. You mentioned the telephones.
From my point of view, if you thought it was us, that didn't hurt.
Who was it then?
As it happens, we did run a check on that.
Freuds?
BT. BT?
It was a genuine fault on the line. But...
...you let me bel... Oh, that's outrageous.
About all of us? I'm afraid so, Martin.
I imagine they've done more than tap our phones. I dread to think.
God! I know.
Do you mind me asking, did they tell you what it is they had on us?
No, I don't mind you asking, Martin.
Let us never have any secrets between us about anything. Ever.
How can I put this?
One or two things.
About me? One or two things.
Um, one thing in particular. The driving license.
'Fraid so. Shit.
I wouldn't normally mention it, but...
It wasn't my fault. I wasn't that drunk. I could still see.
I couldn't believe it when they disqualified me.
Have you ever tried to get a taxi in Suffolk?
I thought if I treated the Highway Code as though it was the Koran,
I might get away with it.
Oh, well, there you go - I suppose I'll just have to...
You old shit!
Now, Martin... They didn't have anything on us!
You didn't know anything about the driving license!
I do now.
That's the oldest bloody trick in the bloody book.
I know. Good one, though, isn't it?
Everybody writes their biggest secret on a piece of paper,
then stands up and admits to it when it's read out.
Then we're free.
Oh, Christ! Terrific!
Go on. Can't back out now. Read it.
"I've slept with Jamie.