1
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,399
Charles, of course.

2
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:34,869
What about him?
Would know what to make of this.

3
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,473
Charles isn't here, Martin.

4
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,118
You may have noticed.
Hm.

5
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,000
It's no longer dark in the daytime.

6
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,151
The wolf bitch has ceased to
whelp in the streets, and so on.

7
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:44,753
What are you talking about?

8
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,354
Charles isn't out of
chokey for another month.

9
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:48,953
So it's your call.

10
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,354
I just don't grasp
what it's supposed to be.

11
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,158
Well, it is what it is.

12
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,629
Well, I know.
A bottle of sperm.

13
00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,278
Yes, I realise that Catherine.

14
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:03,239
I don't get what it is supposed
to represent for the artist.

15
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:04,840
Struggle?

16
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:09,436
Well, there is rather a lot of it.
Is there?

17
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:13,160
Is that your usual other-worldliness, Ali,
or are you trying to frighten us?

18
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,196
What?

19
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:23,560
The question I am asking is, is it art?

20
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:24,600
Yes.
Why?

21
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:25,999
Because the right people say it is.

22
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,674
Dean Wheelwright
may be a copious wanker,

23
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,194
but Cork Street says he's
the next Damien Hirst.

24
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,080
The Sun, of course, say he's both.
And that's how you get the Turner Prize.

25
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,680
But this bloke, Wheelwright,

26
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,720
won't permit his work
to be entered for the Turner,

27
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:40,709
because everybody thinks

28
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,520
he'll win hands down
but he doesn't want to.

29
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,159
Is that right?
Yup. That's because he's an artist.

30
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,515
Oh God, this is making my head hurt.

31
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,477
I think you have to meet him, Martin.

32
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,836
Was he frightened by a piece
of silverware when he was younger?

33
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,434
He has the makings
of a major player.

34
00:01:56,520 --> 00:02:00,229
Oh hell, all right. Just don't
expect me to shake hands with him.

35
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,796
Jamie has very kindly brought up
the subject of Charles's absence.

36
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,960
And I was wondering whether
the conversation we had yesterday

37
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,952
has stimulated any, um, thoughts.

38
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,831
It is a ticklish business, Martin.

39
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,115
It is a bit of a curly one.

40
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:29,193
But we have to accept the integrity
of the company has been compromised.

41
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,350
Then, of course, there's this.

42
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,517
CHARLES: Left a bit, I think.

43
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:01,194
Better?

44
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,874
Charles!
Well spotted!

45
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,155
Am I better? Undoubtedly.

46
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,196
But I thought...

47
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,713
You gave us to understand...

48
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,394
Yes, I did, rather didn't I?
I thought it best.

49
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:16,189
You know how disagreeable
I find overt displays of sentiment.

50
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:21,400
Balloons, banners shrieking, "Welcome
Home Charles", that sort of thing.

51
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,360
Yes, of course.

52
00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,069
On the other hand, in the privacy
of this office, you could say it quietly.

53
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,276
I wouldn't mind that.

54
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,590
God, this is pleasant.

55
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,120
The ceiling?

56
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:34,633
No, not the ceiling.
The absence of Charles.

57
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,359
Oh, right.
Life's altogether less...

58
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,560
Frightening.
Hectic.

59
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,040
Martin's slow.

60
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:44,237
Martin needs his nipples gently
tweaking, from time to time.

61
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,231
Does he?
Yes, it's in my contract.

62
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:48,117
But he's more alert than he lets on.

63
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:52,318
The vagueness is mainly there just
to lull the clients while he rooks them.

64
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,197
I'm just so astonished.

65
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:57,520
Also, of course, the unanticipated
arrival gives one the chance

66
00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,353
to check out the true lie of the land.

67
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,635
The true lie?

68
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,680
Which orchards have been
properly maintained,

69
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,592
which fences fallen
into disrepair, which bridges...

70
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:09,874
burned.

71
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:14,988
Oh, well. I think on the whole
you'll find most things pretty tickety-boo.

72
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,516
This key of mine, for instance.

73
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,397
Ah, now, that is interesting.

74
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,710
That is part of a wider, um...

75
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,268
It has one function in its life.

76
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:26,873
Er, while you were away...

77
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,953
Just one. And that's to
unlock the door of my office.

78
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,270
We had a bit of a chat
about the use of space.

79
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,157
And yet it no longer does so.

80
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:39,119
And from now on you and I are
going to share this room, Charles.

81
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,918
That side of the desk will be yours.

82
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:44,993
We thought it would be a more,
um, constructive arrangement.

83
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,798
"We", Martin?

84
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,120
Has democracy broken out
in my absence,

85
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,793
or are you no longer
willing to take responsibility

86
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:56,670
for your decision, because
it's emblematic of distrust?

87
00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,150
No, Charles I trust you,
I trust you. Of course I trust you.

88
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,869
It's just that we must be very,
very careful from now on.

89
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,837
For the good of the company.

90
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,557
Fine.

91
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,073
What?

92
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,352
You're putting me on probation.

93
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,431
Oh no, my dear chap.

94
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,397
I wouldn't go as far as to say that.

95
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,596
It's a sensible precaution.

96
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:29,639
I give you my word
I shan't betray your faith in me.

97
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:33,269
Charles. You haven't done
an Aitken on me, have you?

98
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:36,909
Have I come to know
the grace of our Lord?

99
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:41,278
No. Have I seen the error of my ways?

100
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,794
Yes. Come.

101
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,677
Let's say boo to the troops.

102
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,949
And so liberating to be able
to float an original idea, without

103
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,635
that sarcastic bastard
slashing it to bloody little ribbons.

104
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,278
Dictatorial shit.

105
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,796
He's behind me, isn't he?

106
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,632
Charles, thank God you're back.

107
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:07,960
It's been a bloody nightmare,
total shambles.

108
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,952
I mean, bless him,
but Martin couldn't conduct a bus.

109
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,474
We've been seriously worried
about the firm...

110
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,160
Jamie.

111
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,037
Yes, absolutely,
I'm already ahead of you, shut up.

112
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,520
What's that?

113
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,078
A bottle of spunk.

114
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,720
We used to make do with coffee.

115
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,189
Otherwise, I see
nothing else has changed.

116
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,032
It's a client.

117
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,633
Now that HAS changed.

118
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:33,029
Or, I should say,
it's the work of a client.

119
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,078
He hopes to win the Turner Prize.
Or rather he doesn't.

120
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,390
I see. Complicated one, is it?

121
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,995
We're on top of it.
Of course you are.

122
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,040
Tell me all about it anyway,

123
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,749
you never know I might have some small
insight which might be of assistance.

124
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,558
If that's all right with the team?

125
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:50,680
Of course.
Absolutely.

126
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:51,999
Great.
Brilliant.

127
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,634
Splendid.

128
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,518
OK. Damage limitation.
I almost peed.

129
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,080
There's a mock-up of his face
on Mark Thatcher's body...

130
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:02,069
He laughed.

131
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,311
Laughed? Fuck. We're dead.
What about the screen saver?

132
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,469
He saw it.

133
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:11,076
OK, but it's not absolutely clear
what the judge is doing to Charles.

134
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,469
It's not ideal that he saw that.
We're dead.

135
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:17,872
Right. Martin and I are off to Hoxton
for an audience with Mr Wheelwright.

136
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,200
A propos of none of which,

137
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:24,398
who was it who did the mock-up
of me being buggered by a judge?

138
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,357
BOTH: Nick.

139
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,836
Dean uses the annex as a studio.

140
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,990
He's just finishing off a new piece.

141
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,675
He and I have talked
seriously about metrication.

142
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,955
Litres rather than pints.
Oh yes?

143
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:46,200
Well, Dean's concerned
that imperial measures

144
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,317
have an unwelcome
resonance of Imperial rule.

145
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,073
How long does it take
him to produce a pint?

146
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,116
It's difficult to say.

147
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:58,193
As an artist and dealer we enjoy
an unusually close relationship,

148
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,511
but he generally prefers me not
to watch him while he's working.

149
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,560
Understandable.

150
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,915
But I'd say, ooh, about quarter of an hour.

151
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:12,116
Would you be interested to
observe the creative process?

152
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,509
We find Mr Wheelwright
between sessions.

153
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:26,799
No, he is engaged in the act itself.
Is he?

154
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,359
He's remarkably discreet.

155
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,880
I think Martin was expecting
to intrude upon a scene

156
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,632
of vigorous masturbation.

157
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,598
Sperm, last movement.

158
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,877
This movement... blood.

159
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,837
I like the cut of your metaphor.

160
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:44,680
The artist bled dry by the
rapacious acquisitiveness

161
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:48,116
of this philistine cultural establishment.

162
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,838
What I do, ok?

163
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,512
It's about suffering.

164
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:55,593
Talk me through it, Dean,
this whole cerebral horizon deal.

165
00:08:55,680 --> 00:09:00,356
Synthesis. The unexpected collision of
ideas from the full intellectual spectrum.

166
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,910
The big questions, yeah?
Yeah.

167
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,151
The force can have strong
influence on the weak-minded.

168
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,196
Ah. That much is indisputable.

169
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,998
Hesse, surely?

170
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,520
Those, Martin, are the actual
words of Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi.

171
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,560
Ah.

172
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:18,836
Sorry, not too hot on the early church.
Charles is your man, really.

173
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,993
I think Dean here and I
speak the same language.

174
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,389
Well, that's handy.

175
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,950
Come and blood.

176
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:34,956
As far as Cork Street's concerned,
it just doesn't get tastier than that.

177
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,032
Does my cynicism shock you?

178
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,640
Not at all.
On the contrary.

179
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,677
Charles Saatchi's crying out
for a bottle of ejaculate.

180
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,910
But Dean won't let me sell him one.

181
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,680
He doesn't want fame, you see,
he doesn't want money.

182
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,591
Which is a crying shame.

183
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:54,639
Because, frankly, there is
a packet of money to be made.

184
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,358
Go on.

185
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,880
If Dean would accept his invitation
to enter for the Turner,

186
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,155
he would sweep the board.

187
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,472
I'd stake my life on it. And the
value of his work would rocket.

188
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,640
It's just such a waste.

189
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,040
Well...

190
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,429
...we can't have that.

191
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,079
Everybody shut up and listen to me.

192
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,600
OK.
Especially you.

193
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:21,999
Here's what's going to happen.

194
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,280
Wheelwright here is going to take
up his entry for the Turner Prize,

195
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,236
and what's more he is going to win.

196
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:32,440
Whether he likes it or not. So cheer up,
you ludicrous drug-addled ninny.

197
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,875
You're going to make everybody rich.

198
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:39,000
Which you think you don't want, but
that's just a symptom of your condition.

199
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,149
What's his condition?

200
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,151
He's a twit.
"Rich", meaning?

201
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,869
In the first instance,
Dean gets £2,500.

202
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,520
I thought the Turner was 25?

203
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,397
Two and a half grand, isn't bad, you know

204
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:52,600
for a poor boy from Chertsey
who regards his own teeth

205
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,795
as imperialist aggressors
and refuses to clean them.

206
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,680
Eurgh.
And how does he win?

207
00:10:56,680 --> 00:11:00,036
By parting with a great deal more of
his blood than he originally intended.

208
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,315
Almost all of it, in fact.

209
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:08,640
Cat, who's that peculiarly pustular
idiot you know at BBC Four? Producer.

210
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,160
You mean my brother.

211
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:13,197
He can have the rights for coverage
of Wheelwright's work in progress

212
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,430
for half the sum agreed
with Channel Four.

213
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,400
Which was what?

214
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,868
Half whatever we decide
to give suede head here. Nick.

215
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:23,396
Arts programmes. Are there any left?
Newsnight Review.

216
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,835
Don't put him on that.
The Irishman will punch him.

217
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:27,831
NICK: There's radio. Front Row.

218
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,388
Better. Or do we want him punched?

219
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,552
Charles, may I just say what
a pleasure it is to have you back.

220
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:37,235
I warned you I had seen the error of
my ways, and I was telling the truth.

221
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:40,960
I've had time to reflect
on my professional behaviour,

222
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,872
and have decided accordingly.

223
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,030
From now on in my career,

224
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,554
no more Mr nice guy.

225
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:04,793
So, what I'm commending to you, Dean,
is a declaration of war on the art-object.

226
00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,359
Right.

227
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:12,151
And your first assault will be
a masterpiece of Trojan horsemanship.

228
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:16,358
You are going to
blow the art world apart.

229
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,112
From the inside.

230
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:26,948
You, Dean,
are going to bleed yourself to death.

231
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:33,954
Right. Right, now that's
the bit I don't entirely, erm...

232
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:36,474
How does that work?

233
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:39,028
Over to you, Martin.

234
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,315
Dean, this is your team.

235
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,233
Jamie will be co-ordinating
your public appearances.

236
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,320
I don't appear in public.

237
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,709
In that case his job will be
gratifyingly straightforward.

238
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,631
DEAN: Fuck is that?

239
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,153
Erm, that's Alison.

240
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:53,840
Hello!
NICK: This?

241
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,149
It's a mock-up of the device
Charles has described to you.

242
00:12:56,240 --> 00:13:00,028
90% of it, of course, is just decoration.
Cool.

243
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,749
The original sketch was quite plain,
but Charles said to goth it up a bit.

244
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,592
"Goth it up"?
Just a bit.

245
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,318
CHARLES: Nick. Explain the plumbing.

246
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,789
OK, this is the 10% that's practical.

247
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,270
Your blood is drained here,
in exactly the way you've established.

248
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,318
And it emerges here
to fill the bottles.

249
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:17,480
It isn't his blood.
No.

250
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,515
It's pigs' blood.

251
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:22,878
Correct. This bit here, this is
the reservoir. The piggy blood bank.

252
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:27,320
Dean's blood is genuinely taken from
him, and seen to be taken from him,

253
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,550
but it is secretly returned here.

254
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,996
Everything that comes out the end
is porcine.

255
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,119
Dean Wheelwright's last minute
Turner Prize entry is a kinetic sculpture

256
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:41,352
that is the self-destructing
body of the artist himself.

257
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:46,753
Wheelwright will bleed himself dry,
pint by pint, live on digital,

258
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,718
online, to the brink of expiration.

259
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,920
Then you go to the podium

260
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:55,310
and you reveal that the whole thing
has been a gigantic fraud.

261
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,280
You say, "Tonight's victory
is a deliberate sabotage

262
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,795
"of the corrupt
and grasping art establishment."

263
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,836
I'd say I shafted them up the jacksie.

264
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,117
Well, that has the virtue of concision.

265
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,633
So, what do you say, Dean?

266
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,080
Give it a go?

267
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,152
See, if these pipes, here,

268
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,630
they get unplugged,
I get up to have a slash.

269
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,995
Bottle that as well.
Whatever.

270
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,548
The pipes get mixed up,

271
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,676
I get pumped full of pigs' blood?

272
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,760
CHARLES: Could not happen.

273
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,399
It's a binary choice. One pipe
goes out, the other comes in.

274
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,600
Perhaps I should remain on site

275
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,670
to supervise the running
of the installation.

276
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,360
No, no, all part of the service,
from soup to nuts.

277
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:38,960
We'll take care of it.

278
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,679
Really, if the village idiot were left

279
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:46,629
in charge of hooking up the apparatus,
they would get it right every time.

280
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,153
Every time.

281
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,552
OK.

282
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,753
Right then, nursey. Plug up.

283
00:15:41,620 --> 00:15:44,976
Yeah, yeah. That's very interesting.

284
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:53,370
Can you see the money, Martin?

285
00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:55,291
The first of a limited edition.

286
00:15:55,380 --> 00:16:00,738
Nick put out feelers
and he's heard 10 to 20 thousand...

287
00:16:00,820 --> 00:16:02,651
...guineas.
Good Lord.

288
00:16:02,740 --> 00:16:05,620
And the sheer,
seamless beauty of it is,

289
00:16:05,620 --> 00:16:08,453
each bottle
is more valuable than the last.

290
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:11,896
The more effort it costs Dean,
as he floats towards oblivion

291
00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:14,620
to dredge up a pint,
the more remaining life

292
00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:16,338
that pint contains.

293
00:16:16,420 --> 00:16:18,570
The more precious it is.

294
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:20,173
Except, it isn't.

295
00:16:20,260 --> 00:16:21,693
The whole thing's a hoax.

296
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:22,900
WE know that.

297
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,299
He's just having a bit of a lie down.

298
00:16:24,380 --> 00:16:26,689
Nobody else knows that.
No.

299
00:16:26,780 --> 00:16:30,659
We cannot promote the selling
of a man's blood knowing it is pigs' blood.

300
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:34,096
That is insider trading
and it is precisely the thing...

301
00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:38,935
Of course you know, what he
really needs to do is actually die.

302
00:16:39,020 --> 00:16:42,296
Imagine the price of that final bottle.

303
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:45,611
Just a pleasant thought.

304
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:49,488
(NEWS JINGLE PLAYS ON TV)

305
00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:52,458
Dean Wheelwright's bid to
win this year's Turner Prize,

306
00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:55,740
an award given to the person
who has made the greatest contribution

307
00:16:55,740 --> 00:16:57,810
to art in Britain over the past year,

308
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:01,176
continues to be the subject
of much media speculation.

309
00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:04,377
But his work called,
The Last Best Thing I Ever Did,

310
00:17:04,460 --> 00:17:08,738
has inspired some contrasting
reactions from members of the public.

311
00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:13,689
WOMAN: He's well fit,
not like that tosser in a box.

312
00:17:13,780 --> 00:17:17,819
And I mean he's got a right to
do it, yeah? What's he doing?

313
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:22,851
La jeunesse dore getting up to speed.

314
00:17:22,940 --> 00:17:27,252
That's good, all good. Right,
well, I'm off to Buck's to get pissed.

315
00:17:32,420 --> 00:17:36,698
William Hill is apparently offering four
to one on Dean winning the Turner.

316
00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:39,055
But I think we can do better.

317
00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:44,100
Let's see, webcam, digital,
a small deciduous forest

318
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:45,772
of negative newspaper coverage.

319
00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:47,339
What are we missing, Martin?

320
00:17:47,420 --> 00:17:51,572
A talking head? Not Dean's.
Somebody who talks intelligible English.

321
00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:55,096
Agreed. Whose?
Yours.

322
00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:59,458
Newsnight. Open the lion's chops
and stick your bonce right in.

323
00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:04,220
Good thinking.
Small change, you do it.

324
00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:05,820
Oh, come off it, Charles.

325
00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:08,459
Writers, royalty and thesps,
yes, with pleasure.

326
00:18:08,540 --> 00:18:13,375
Politicians - I grin and bear it,
but artists? Really, Charles.

327
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:16,540
Francis Bacon squeezed your dong
in The Colony Room once, Martin.

328
00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:18,531
He did it to everyone.

329
00:18:18,620 --> 00:18:22,090
It's nothing to do with the Bacon
dong-squeezing, it's arty people.

330
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:24,057
They make me scream with boredom.

331
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:27,730
It's your name on the sign.

332
00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:31,340
What sign?

333
00:18:31,340 --> 00:18:33,456
The one you kicked
under the filing cabinet.

334
00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:37,692
The one with your name on it,
and not mine.

335
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,975
All well?

336
00:18:56,980 --> 00:18:59,289
No problem. Everything's fine.

337
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,892
The apparatus has been checked?

338
00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:05,414
Just a few moments ago.

339
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:10,897
(MUMBLING) Been a while since
anyone checked your apparatus.

340
00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:15,700
So this hose with the pluses all over it

341
00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:18,339
is supposed to be
connected with the minusy one?

342
00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:22,493
Yes, absolutely. Is there
anything else I can help you with?

343
00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:35,699
Shit.

344
00:19:36,180 --> 00:19:39,217
Our final subject tonight is
the Turner Prize short-listed

345
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:42,020
The Last Best Thing I Ever Did,

346
00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:44,932
the so-called kinetic installation
piece by Dean Wheelwright.

347
00:19:45,020 --> 00:19:48,020
With me in the studio, Wheelwright's
spokesman Martin McCabe,

348
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,454
and Newsnight Review
regular Paul Morley.

349
00:19:50,540 --> 00:19:55,091
Paul, 19, or 20 pints of blood,
what is the artist asking of us here?

350
00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:58,220
Well, the artist is asking of us
to abandon all reason

351
00:19:58,220 --> 00:20:00,654
and actually treat this sick bilge as if it's

352
00:20:00,740 --> 00:20:04,130
saying something important,
as if it's an important statement.

353
00:20:04,220 --> 00:20:05,940
You don't think it's art?

354
00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:07,578
I wouldn't put the name
Dean Wheelwright

355
00:20:07,660 --> 00:20:10,572
and "art" in the same universe,
let alone the same sentence.

356
00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:12,412
Bring in Martin McCabe.

357
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,058
Do you want to come back on that?

358
00:20:14,140 --> 00:20:19,658
Oh, well, I think Paul states the case
for the Daily Mail art lover very adroitly.

359
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,732
You're saying most people
are too stupid to understand it?

360
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:28,611
I'm saying that people who love art, and
who are comfortable with the Daily Mail,

361
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:31,009
will get a very succinct,

362
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:35,457
a very emotionally honest assessment
of the piece from critics like...

363
00:20:35,540 --> 00:20:38,300
Paul Morley.
You southern snob.

364
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:42,091
But those who are accustomed
to seek a little further, to probe

365
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,460
a little deeper into their experience of art,

366
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:49,580
may find what Dean is trying
to achieve here, rather remarkable.

367
00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:51,740
Is he going to win the Turner Prize?

368
00:20:51,740 --> 00:20:53,378
Well, Mark, who knows?

369
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,610
I don't think it matters to him.

370
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:59,218
But those of us who have worked closely
with Dean on the project just feel...

371
00:21:59,300 --> 00:21:01,929
...privileged by the experience.

372
00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:08,017
Ladies.

373
00:21:14,580 --> 00:21:17,856
(PHONE RINGS)

374
00:21:17,940 --> 00:21:20,135
Charles.
Ten minutes to the presentation.

375
00:21:20,220 --> 00:21:23,895
Make sure Wheelwright's awake,
sitting up, speech in his hand.

376
00:21:23,980 --> 00:21:26,050
Oh, and tell him not
to agitate his scalp.

377
00:21:26,140 --> 00:21:29,974
We know he's got nits, the country
can be spared the information.

378
00:21:41,140 --> 00:21:43,940
(PHONE RINGS)

379
00:21:43,940 --> 00:21:47,250
Young Jamie.
Martin. Just a thought.

380
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:50,810
Arrghh!

381
00:21:50,900 --> 00:21:52,538
Have you got a moment?

382
00:21:52,620 --> 00:21:56,852
And it gives me very great pleasure
to announce the winner of this year's

383
00:21:56,940 --> 00:22:01,456
JMW Turner Prize is The Last Best Thing
I Ever Did by Dean Wheelwright.

384
00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:10,050
Sadly, Dean is too frail to be
with us tonight, but here to accept

385
00:22:10,140 --> 00:22:15,700
his award on his behalf
is his associate, Charles Prentiss.

386
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:18,860
(PHONE RINGS)

387
00:22:18,860 --> 00:22:22,819
You should be here, Martin,
sharing in our moment of glory.

388
00:22:22,900 --> 00:22:24,731
MARTIN: I'm with Wheelwright.

389
00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:28,056
Oh. So you are.

390
00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:31,177
MARTIN: He's dead, Charles.

391
00:22:31,260 --> 00:22:32,932
In what sense?

392
00:22:33,020 --> 00:22:37,172
MARTIN: In the sense
that he's no longer alive.

393
00:22:37,260 --> 00:22:40,491
What are we going to do?
MARTIN: Carry on as planned.

394
00:22:40,580 --> 00:22:42,340
I see.

395
00:22:42,340 --> 00:22:45,332
MARTIN: Fingers in the dyke, Charles.
This is what you get the extra for.

396
00:22:45,420 --> 00:22:47,980
Martin, you are an
unconscionable shit.

397
00:22:48,060 --> 00:22:50,130
MARTIN: Of course,
if you don't feel up to it...

398
00:22:56,540 --> 00:22:58,178
Ladies and gentlemen.

399
00:22:58,260 --> 00:23:00,490
It must seem...

400
00:23:00,580 --> 00:23:06,212
offensively cavalier to make a telephone
conversation while you're applauding.

401
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:11,499
But the fact is I have just been speaking
to the nurses monitoring this project.

402
00:23:13,500 --> 00:23:19,689
In the past few minutes, even as
Sir Peter was announcing the result,

403
00:23:19,780 --> 00:23:22,658
Dean Wheelwright died.

404
00:23:22,740 --> 00:23:24,617
(MURMURING)

405
00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:27,897
In pursuit of his last

406
00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:31,859
and greatest work of art.

407
00:23:31,940 --> 00:23:35,376
We were advised by medical experts

408
00:23:35,460 --> 00:23:42,730
that the human body could not sustain
the expulsion of 20 pints of blood

409
00:23:42,820 --> 00:23:50,613
in 48 hours. But that is the target
that Dean was determined to achieve.

410
00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:53,260
Though God knows
we did our best to dis...

411
00:23:59,100 --> 00:24:00,533
I'm sorry.

412
00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:08,819
I think Dean foresaw this.

413
00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:14,770
When I last spoke to him,
not half an hour ago,

414
00:24:14,860 --> 00:24:19,092
he pressed a small piece of paper
into my hand.

415
00:24:19,180 --> 00:24:21,455
A statement,

416
00:24:21,540 --> 00:24:24,771
that he charged me to make
on his behalf.

417
00:24:27,060 --> 00:24:32,851
The object of living
is not to arrive safely at the grave.

418
00:24:32,940 --> 00:24:38,060
It is to hurl oneself
at death with contempt,

419
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:42,816
with a body that can take no more.

420
00:24:42,900 --> 00:24:46,529
This prize, this...

421
00:24:46,620 --> 00:24:48,656
This is what

422
00:24:48,740 --> 00:24:52,335
Dean Wheelwright
most desired in his life.

423
00:24:52,420 --> 00:24:54,536
But money,

424
00:24:54,620 --> 00:24:57,054
he never cared for.

425
00:24:57,140 --> 00:25:00,098
And so again, at his instruction,

426
00:25:00,180 --> 00:25:06,415
I am returning this cheque for
£25,000 to the sponsors of the event

427
00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:12,052
and I beg that they will
distribute it amongst the urban poor

428
00:25:12,140 --> 00:25:13,653
of Chertsey.

429
00:25:13,740 --> 00:25:15,059
(APPLAUSE)

430
00:25:34,260 --> 00:25:35,249
Pax?

431
00:25:35,340 --> 00:25:38,412
Vobiscum.

432
00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:40,456
I think we must be about equal now.

433
00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:43,812
Nightcap?

434
00:25:43,900 --> 00:25:46,653
Well, if you're sure
you can spare it.

435
00:25:49,420 --> 00:25:52,651
Oh, THAT. That isn't wine.

436
00:25:52,740 --> 00:25:54,970
Oh.

437
00:25:55,060 --> 00:25:57,528
Oh, well.
You can't beat a green drink.

438
00:25:57,620 --> 00:25:59,576
No, that's blood.

439
00:25:59,660 --> 00:26:01,093
You're not serious?

440
00:26:01,180 --> 00:26:03,250
Humour, where would we be without it?

441
00:26:03,340 --> 00:26:06,616
In Germany, probably.

442
00:26:06,700 --> 00:26:11,057
Don't drop it. You couldn't
possibly afford to replace it.

443
00:26:11,140 --> 00:26:13,859
The urban poor of Chertsey.

444
00:26:13,940 --> 00:26:16,932
The poor.
How could one cope without them?

445
00:26:17,020 --> 00:26:20,695
Well, happily we are now in
a position to be magnanimous.

446
00:26:20,780 --> 00:26:26,013
As for the dead artist, I understand
that the felicitously named Miss Pink

447
00:26:26,100 --> 00:26:29,012
has accepted full-ish responsibility?

448
00:26:29,100 --> 00:26:32,012
Oh, full. Jamie had a hand in that.

449
00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:34,489
Figuratively, one trusts.

450
00:26:36,100 --> 00:26:40,218
Oh God, we've done
some slutty stuff in our time.

451
00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:43,053
Do you want a working
definition of "whoredom"?

452
00:26:43,140 --> 00:26:46,735
Intercourse with people you despise.

453
00:26:46,820 --> 00:26:50,096
When have you ever doubted
that that is what we do for a living?

454
00:26:50,180 --> 00:26:56,130
Whores, Martin. And we're the best
in the business, because we kiss.

455
00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:11,733
Better?

456
00:27:15,260 --> 00:27:17,615
We pulled it off.

457
00:27:17,700 --> 00:27:19,133
And this is just the start.

458
00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:21,973
I am going to make you
king of Cork Street.

459
00:27:22,060 --> 00:27:25,980
You shall sit with your balls
in a bowlful of milk and honey,

460
00:27:25,980 --> 00:27:28,175
watching me count your money for you.

461
00:27:28,260 --> 00:27:30,216
Won't that be nice?

462
00:27:30,300 --> 00:27:31,892
Eat up.

463
00:27:46,500 --> 00:27:49,651
Where have you been?
We've got work to do.

464
00:27:52,460 --> 00:27:54,974
What is this, Dean? Talk to me.

465
00:27:55,060 --> 00:27:56,857
I'm afraid he's not allowed to.

466
00:27:56,940 --> 00:28:00,140
Now why don't you run along
and programme the satellite navigation

467
00:28:00,140 --> 00:28:02,210
to do some more hilarious swearing?

468
00:28:07,820 --> 00:28:12,020
I haven't the slightest interest
in how it was achieved, of course.

469
00:28:12,020 --> 00:28:13,294
He's mine.

470
00:28:13,380 --> 00:28:15,820
Ah, well, now you see,
when you're excited,

471
00:28:15,820 --> 00:28:18,493
you muddle your tenses, don't you?
He WAS yours.

472
00:28:18,580 --> 00:28:20,218
He IS mine.

473
00:28:20,300 --> 00:28:23,178
He and I have an understanding.

474
00:28:23,260 --> 00:28:24,898
You have an understanding.

475
00:28:24,980 --> 00:28:28,575
I have a contract.
Since when?

476
00:28:28,660 --> 00:28:30,900
Since I discovered
where he lived in Hammersmith,

477
00:28:30,900 --> 00:28:33,698
sent a Mercedes round
to collect him and show him

478
00:28:33,780 --> 00:28:38,060
the flat that I'm buying him, stood him
a four-course dinner at Claridge's

479
00:28:38,060 --> 00:28:40,290
and watched him sign.

480
00:28:40,380 --> 00:28:43,975
My word,
he does eat a lot, doesn't he?

481
00:28:44,060 --> 00:28:47,132
You delivered us a brand, Ashley.

482
00:28:47,220 --> 00:28:51,372
And nursing brands to fiscal
greatness is precisely what I do.

483
00:28:51,460 --> 00:28:54,179
It's not what you do.

484
00:28:54,260 --> 00:28:56,774
He wasn't your only client, was he?

485
00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:59,374
You utter bastard.

486
00:28:59,460 --> 00:29:01,291
On the contrary, Ashley.

487
00:29:01,380 --> 00:29:05,259
At Prentiss McCabe, we care
deeply about the little people.

488
00:29:05,340 --> 00:29:07,570
Unless they get in our way,

489
00:29:07,660 --> 00:29:09,651
and then we hurt them.

490
00:29:09,740 --> 00:29:13,289
Still, no harm done,
no hard feelings, as they say.

491
00:29:13,380 --> 00:29:14,893
All's fair.

492
00:29:14,980 --> 00:29:20,134
A decent cliché is such a comfort
in times of trial, don't you think?