1
00:00:30,705 --> 00:00:32,661
Good God, what size is yours, then?

2
00:00:32,745 --> 00:00:35,425
You're one of the few people
in this office with no chance

3
00:00:35,425 --> 00:00:37,063
of ever knowing, Charles.

4
00:00:37,145 --> 00:00:40,103
This is the Forte.
They've just brought it in at Beanies.

5
00:00:40,185 --> 00:00:41,618
What's that? The Piccolo?

6
00:00:41,705 --> 00:00:43,945
Even if your drinks
weren't penis substitutes...

7
00:00:43,945 --> 00:00:46,903
You'd know all about those.
Bet you've got a drawer-full.

8
00:00:46,985 --> 00:00:49,499
You shouldn't buy coffee
from Froth's or Beanies.

9
00:00:49,585 --> 00:00:52,185
Every sip from one of those places
is raping Colombia

10
00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:54,062
and enriching an American corporation.

11
00:00:54,145 --> 00:00:55,942
Yes, well.
Morning!

12
00:01:09,465 --> 00:01:12,298
Well, frankly, the little
Italian cafe that you patronise

13
00:01:12,385 --> 00:01:15,377
can hardly be called
a pattern of ethical virtue.

14
00:01:15,465 --> 00:01:18,457
It's like something
out of the Sopranos, isn't it?

15
00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:20,820
Thank-you.
Milk in first, leaf not bag?

16
00:01:20,905 --> 00:01:22,463
I just followed the e-mail.

17
00:01:22,545 --> 00:01:24,536
MARTIN: Sorry you're late, Cat.

18
00:01:26,905 --> 00:01:27,905
Overslept?

19
00:01:27,905 --> 00:01:29,020
Oh... yes.

20
00:01:29,105 --> 00:01:30,538
I left her sleeping.

21
00:01:30,625 --> 00:01:32,183
You slept with him?
Christ, no.

22
00:01:32,265 --> 00:01:35,105
If I'd had sex with Jamie, I'd have
left the house earlier than usual.

23
00:01:35,105 --> 00:01:36,584
I was up late watching these.

24
00:01:36,665 --> 00:01:40,499
The boxed set of Friends, including
the lost episode and network trailers.

25
00:01:40,585 --> 00:01:43,019
Oh, dictionary corner, Jamie.

26
00:01:43,105 --> 00:01:46,336
The government needs a word
for its new policy announcements.

27
00:01:46,425 --> 00:01:48,305
They can't call it a relaunch -

28
00:01:48,305 --> 00:01:50,102
they've had three already this year.

29
00:01:50,185 --> 00:01:53,018
I think there's a Thesaurus on this.

30
00:01:53,105 --> 00:01:55,016
There are no synonyms for relaunch.

31
00:01:55,105 --> 00:01:57,619
Oh. Technology failure, everyone.

32
00:01:57,705 --> 00:02:01,185
Jamie's having to fall back on his brain.

33
00:02:01,185 --> 00:02:02,174
"A New Beginning"?

34
00:02:02,265 --> 00:02:05,185
That gives the impression
that they're changing tack.

35
00:02:05,185 --> 00:02:06,225
They are!

36
00:02:06,225 --> 00:02:09,103
We know that. But they want panic
to look like consistency.

37
00:02:09,185 --> 00:02:11,785
What about "Same Shit, New Bucket"?

38
00:02:11,785 --> 00:02:12,854
JAMIE: "The Big Ideas"?

39
00:02:12,945 --> 00:02:15,618
Then they'd get sued
for misrepresentation.

40
00:02:15,705 --> 00:02:18,663
It would be so much easier
if politics were like software.

41
00:02:18,745 --> 00:02:21,543
They could just call it
Bollocks 1, Bollocks 1.1,

42
00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:24,344
Bollocks XP Home Edition...

43
00:02:33,425 --> 00:02:36,735
Oh, look, there's a story
about our Fatties campaign...

44
00:02:36,825 --> 00:02:39,180
TV: Profits of up to 30%.

45
00:02:39,265 --> 00:02:41,545
Business commentators say

46
00:02:41,545 --> 00:02:44,582
the shift reflects recent bad
publicity over obesity in Britain

47
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:48,578
and a government campaign
on healthy eating.

48
00:02:48,665 --> 00:02:51,543
With me is the Shadow
Health Secretary John Kennedy.

49
00:02:51,625 --> 00:02:54,423
Mr Kennedy, isn't this
a triumph for the government?

50
00:02:54,505 --> 00:02:56,939
Their healthy eating message
getting through?

51
00:02:57,025 --> 00:02:58,253
No, I don't accept that.

52
00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,825
But the government has just run
a huge advertising campaign

53
00:03:00,825 --> 00:03:02,622
with the slogan...

54
00:03:02,705 --> 00:03:06,380
Don't Be A Fat-Head, and fast-food
chains can't give chips away.

55
00:03:06,465 --> 00:03:08,535
You're saying it's coincidence?

56
00:03:08,625 --> 00:03:11,014
Yes, that's exactly
what I'm saying.

57
00:03:11,105 --> 00:03:13,665
Can't they get beyond just
disagreeing with the other side?

58
00:03:13,665 --> 00:03:15,542
It's so unsophisticated.

59
00:03:15,625 --> 00:03:18,935
Yes, I know. The trick is
compliments with a sting.

60
00:03:19,025 --> 00:03:21,585
This government's doing a great job,

61
00:03:21,585 --> 00:03:24,099
if you like extremism,
political correctness, cronyism...

62
00:03:24,185 --> 00:03:25,664
Look, this hasn't happened

63
00:03:25,745 --> 00:03:28,825
because the government's
paid some smart PR firm

64
00:03:28,825 --> 00:03:31,862
to convince people they want to be thin...

65
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,901
Oh, hasn't it?

66
00:03:33,985 --> 00:03:36,985
I must say, I'm very glad to see

67
00:03:36,985 --> 00:03:40,694
our healthy eating campaign for
the government is getting through.

68
00:03:40,785 --> 00:03:42,665
Though remind me not to
use you as a spokesman.

69
00:03:42,665 --> 00:03:45,657
PR, young Jamie
is about theory not practice.

70
00:03:45,745 --> 00:03:50,216
A philosopher may well be able to argue
that a table doesn't exist, in principle.

71
00:03:50,305 --> 00:03:52,455
But he can still have
his dinner off one.

72
00:03:52,545 --> 00:03:55,662
Why is the public junking junk-food?

73
00:03:55,745 --> 00:03:57,497
Because this is about Iraq.

74
00:03:57,585 --> 00:04:00,782
The public are voting
with their mouths,

75
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:03,225
saying to this government
and its bosses in Washington,

76
00:04:03,225 --> 00:04:05,136
we're sick of your milk shakes.

77
00:04:05,225 --> 00:04:07,102
And I'll go further.

78
00:04:07,185 --> 00:04:11,383
In the past, we have boycotted
South African wine and Zimbabwean...

79
00:04:11,465 --> 00:04:16,255
whatever it is Zimbabwe produces...
in order to send messages to regimes

80
00:04:16,345 --> 00:04:17,785
despised around the world.

81
00:04:17,785 --> 00:04:21,095
I am asking the British public
for an economic boycott

82
00:04:21,185 --> 00:04:23,062
of another hated administration.

83
00:04:23,145 --> 00:04:26,296
Let's stop buying
all American food and drink.

84
00:04:26,385 --> 00:04:29,536
Say no to a Big Mac,
say no to Iraq!

85
00:04:29,625 --> 00:04:33,459
I love the smell of a career
burning in the morning.

86
00:04:33,545 --> 00:04:35,024
You think he's finished?

87
00:04:35,105 --> 00:04:38,381
Rule number one of British politics,
don't piss in the Atlantic.

88
00:04:38,465 --> 00:04:40,825
The Leader of the Opposition

89
00:04:40,825 --> 00:04:43,293
won't tolerate Kennedy inventing
foreign policy on television.

90
00:04:43,385 --> 00:04:45,341
He'll have to sack him for that.

91
00:04:46,825 --> 00:04:51,660
It's a smashing place, full of
really lovely folk and locations.

92
00:04:51,745 --> 00:04:55,624
Namibia's main export is diamonds
and, you know, that's right.

93
00:04:55,705 --> 00:04:57,935
Because this country is a real gem.

94
00:05:03,545 --> 00:05:05,615
Was that "Beautiful Botswana"?

95
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:08,825
"Nice Namibia". It's homework.

96
00:05:08,825 --> 00:05:11,783
I always said I'd rather saw off my leg
than watch a Peter Harrow programme.

97
00:05:11,865 --> 00:05:14,105
Ah, the tone doesn't change much.

98
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:17,734
In his Zimbabwe programme, he said
what a lovely smile Mugabe had.

99
00:05:17,825 --> 00:05:20,464
Well, now he's invited
Alison and me for lunch.

100
00:05:20,545 --> 00:05:24,333
He's probably unsure about whether
to take the knighthood from the Queen

101
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:27,064
or go straight for beatification
from the Vatican.

102
00:05:27,145 --> 00:05:29,785
Charles, there's a call
from the American Embassy.

103
00:05:29,785 --> 00:05:31,457
Send it through upstairs.

104
00:05:48,385 --> 00:05:49,579
MAN: OK.

105
00:05:49,665 --> 00:05:51,337
That's the iris scan done.

106
00:05:51,425 --> 00:05:55,623
Do we conclude from all this that Britain
has been added to the axis of evil?

107
00:05:55,705 --> 00:05:59,459
Sir, I have to warn you that
humour can become a security issue.

108
00:05:59,545 --> 00:06:02,617
OK. Now just a few questions.

109
00:06:02,705 --> 00:06:04,935
Is it now...
Or has it ever been?

110
00:06:05,025 --> 00:06:06,458
Is it now, or has it ever been,

111
00:06:06,545 --> 00:06:08,505
your intention to overthrow by force

112
00:06:08,505 --> 00:06:10,575
the government
of the United States of America?

113
00:06:10,665 --> 00:06:15,056
Good lord! Don't tell me that
thing can read minds as well?

114
00:06:15,145 --> 00:06:17,978
Meanwhile, there's been
an escalation of support

115
00:06:18,065 --> 00:06:20,977
for the Shadow Health Secretary's
call for a boycott

116
00:06:21,065 --> 00:06:22,623
of American food and drink.

117
00:06:22,705 --> 00:06:26,823
Many restaurants have taken
American dishes off their menus.

118
00:06:26,905 --> 00:06:29,705
In London, people have been
taking their protest

119
00:06:29,705 --> 00:06:32,219
against American
fast-food outlets to the streets.

120
00:06:32,305 --> 00:06:35,342
Oh, the bonfire of the calories.
How uplifting.

121
00:06:35,425 --> 00:06:38,385
Gentlemen, the government
of the United States of America

122
00:06:38,385 --> 00:06:40,774
is grateful for your attendance today.

123
00:06:40,865 --> 00:06:44,574
Well, it shows your country is more
forward-Iooking than people think.

124
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:49,580
I assumed the US Ambassador would
be some sort of lard-arsed red-neck.

125
00:06:49,665 --> 00:06:51,974
Prejudice can be a terrible thing.

126
00:06:52,065 --> 00:06:56,024
Mr Ambassador,
Charles Prentiss and Martin McCabe.

127
00:06:56,105 --> 00:06:58,175
Your Excellency.

128
00:06:58,265 --> 00:07:01,257
J Thompson Lucas IV,
Ambassador to the Court of St James.

129
00:07:01,345 --> 00:07:02,983
My friends call me Tommy.

130
00:07:03,065 --> 00:07:07,741
Gentlemen, I like to start
these little meetings with a prayer.

131
00:07:07,825 --> 00:07:13,625
O, Lord, may thy wisdom be
as a light unto the nations of the world.

132
00:07:13,625 --> 00:07:14,580
Amen.
Amen!

133
00:07:14,665 --> 00:07:16,417
Hear, hear.
Absolutely.

134
00:07:17,425 --> 00:07:20,337
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
It may be a little stale in here.

135
00:07:20,425 --> 00:07:23,019
We've had to switch the air-con off.

136
00:07:23,105 --> 00:07:26,222
Students are holding
a bagel-burning under the vent.

137
00:07:26,305 --> 00:07:28,102
You've met Hazel...

138
00:07:28,185 --> 00:07:30,335
under-secretary for public affairs?

139
00:07:30,425 --> 00:07:34,464
May we offer you some fine iced tea?

140
00:07:34,545 --> 00:07:38,060
You couldn't run to heated-up tea?

141
00:07:38,145 --> 00:07:40,705
This is kinda the way we like it.

142
00:07:40,785 --> 00:07:45,222
Gentlemen, we have brought you here
to help us solve a mystery.

143
00:07:45,305 --> 00:07:49,503
Why does everybody hate America?

144
00:07:51,025 --> 00:07:55,303
I'll have the clam chowder, please.

145
00:07:55,385 --> 00:07:57,225
And a Waldorf salad to start.

146
00:07:57,225 --> 00:07:59,693
Easy on the walnuts,
if that isn't too much trouble.

147
00:07:59,785 --> 00:08:03,105
I'm afraid we don't have either
of those dishes today.

148
00:08:03,105 --> 00:08:05,539
Oh, Lord. Well, look, I'll, er...

149
00:08:05,625 --> 00:08:07,505
You two...

150
00:08:07,505 --> 00:08:10,258
I'll have the hamburger. Rare -
in fact, tell the chef haemophiliac.

151
00:08:10,345 --> 00:08:13,945
We've taken the American dishes off
the menu. Most people have the special.

152
00:08:13,945 --> 00:08:14,980
What's that?

153
00:08:15,065 --> 00:08:18,341
Fish and chips.
Right.

154
00:08:18,425 --> 00:08:21,585
Christ. It might be cool to have
ONE English retro dish on the menu

155
00:08:21,585 --> 00:08:23,541
as an ironic option, but not as a theme.

156
00:08:23,625 --> 00:08:27,015
Thank you for seeing me
at such short notice.

157
00:08:27,105 --> 00:08:29,025
If all our clients were
as little trouble as you,

158
00:08:29,025 --> 00:08:30,905
Prentiss McCabe
would go out of business.

159
00:08:30,905 --> 00:08:31,894
Ah.

160
00:08:31,985 --> 00:08:33,896
I rather feared
that's how you see me.

161
00:08:33,985 --> 00:08:36,305
This problem
you want us to deal with...

162
00:08:36,305 --> 00:08:39,183
Yes. These are the latest
press cuttings you sent me.

163
00:08:39,265 --> 00:08:41,984
"Is Peter Harrow
The Nicest Man In The World?"

164
00:08:42,065 --> 00:08:45,137
"The Man I'd Love To Marry."
"Britain's Most Shaggable Guy."

165
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,105
I don't see the problem.

166
00:08:47,105 --> 00:08:48,936
You think these press cuttings are good?

167
00:08:49,025 --> 00:08:51,175
But have you seen
where they've come from?

168
00:08:51,265 --> 00:08:54,382
These two come from Saga magazine.

169
00:08:54,465 --> 00:08:59,858
The headline goes on, "The Man I'd Love
To Marry When My Husband Dies."

170
00:08:59,945 --> 00:09:03,221
This one,
"Britain's Most Shaggable Guy."

171
00:09:03,305 --> 00:09:07,457
That comes from
Sex For The Over-Seventies magazine.

172
00:09:07,545 --> 00:09:12,061
You see, I have a reputation
for being nice and being old.

173
00:09:12,145 --> 00:09:17,094
The last travel show the BBC bought
was Chris Moyles Monsters Marbella.

174
00:09:17,185 --> 00:09:20,302
The BBC have been sitting on
Sublime Sudan for 18 months.

175
00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:22,705
Absolutely. That's why
I need you to help me.

176
00:09:22,705 --> 00:09:24,696
I've had enough of being TV's Mr Nice.

177
00:09:24,785 --> 00:09:26,457
I need to be hated!

178
00:09:26,545 --> 00:09:30,504
It's unusual. Our job is normally,
"She certainly didn't look 14."

179
00:09:30,585 --> 00:09:33,265
"He downloaded the images
for his new book."

180
00:09:33,265 --> 00:09:36,940
That kind of thing.
What you need is a reverse makeover.

181
00:09:37,025 --> 00:09:38,743
A hate-over!

182
00:09:38,825 --> 00:09:41,825
We've had some of the best minds
in Washington working on this

183
00:09:41,825 --> 00:09:44,259
for a month, and we just do not get it.

184
00:09:44,345 --> 00:09:48,384
I mean, America - what's not to like?

185
00:09:49,425 --> 00:09:54,215
Um, Korea, Vietnam, Libya,
Grenada, Iraq.

186
00:09:54,305 --> 00:09:55,863
The movies of Chevy Chase.

187
00:09:55,945 --> 00:09:59,062
Malaya, Suez, the Falklands...

188
00:09:59,145 --> 00:10:00,737
Iraq...

189
00:10:00,825 --> 00:10:02,417
Benny Hill.

190
00:10:02,505 --> 00:10:07,977
Gentlemen, the situation is, as I am being
driven through the streets of London now,

191
00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:11,985
I see Ronald McDonald
burning on bonfires,

192
00:10:11,985 --> 00:10:15,864
I see Budweiser
being poured down storm-drains.

193
00:10:15,945 --> 00:10:19,540
Peanut-butter sales in the UK
are down 90% this fiscal.

194
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:22,583
Now, bad enough when the
Brits all want to be skinny.

195
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:28,262
But this... this Kennedy guy
is running the Boston tea party in reverse.

196
00:10:28,345 --> 00:10:32,736
You have an expression, um,
"what goes around, comes around."

197
00:10:32,825 --> 00:10:34,905
Do you remember that time

198
00:10:34,905 --> 00:10:37,419
when you were boycotting
Burgundy wine and Evian water?

199
00:10:37,505 --> 00:10:39,336
Chirac dissed us on Iraq.

200
00:10:39,425 --> 00:10:42,305
Yes. Did it never occur to you

201
00:10:42,305 --> 00:10:45,775
that while you were renaming
French fries "freedom fries"

202
00:10:45,865 --> 00:10:49,175
that someday
someone might do the same to you?

203
00:10:49,265 --> 00:10:54,976
This Administration accepts that
the United States has made enemies.

204
00:10:55,065 --> 00:10:59,855
This Administration
wishes to make a fresh beginning.

205
00:10:59,945 --> 00:11:03,142
We want you to create a campaign

206
00:11:03,225 --> 00:11:06,342
that will convince
the people of Britain

207
00:11:06,425 --> 00:11:10,703
to LOVE America again.

208
00:11:15,905 --> 00:11:19,614
I'll get that. I absolutely insist.

209
00:11:19,705 --> 00:11:22,094
You're too kind.
No, it's the least I can do.

210
00:11:22,185 --> 00:11:24,062
I wasn't being English. I mean it.

211
00:11:24,145 --> 00:11:26,943
You are too kind.
This is what we have to stop.

212
00:11:27,025 --> 00:11:29,141
Some other time, maybe.

213
00:11:29,225 --> 00:11:31,659
If you'll excuse me, I've got to go.

214
00:11:31,745 --> 00:11:34,054
I'm judging an art exhibition.

215
00:11:34,145 --> 00:11:36,136
Great Ormond Street.

216
00:11:36,225 --> 00:11:39,217
Terminal Ward.
Poor kids. That's great.

217
00:11:39,305 --> 00:11:42,505
No, it's better than that.
It's perfect. Sit down, have a brandy.

218
00:11:42,505 --> 00:11:44,461
Bunk off the sickie exhibition.

219
00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:47,665
Pictures of weeping chemo-kids
in tomorrow's papers.

220
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,781
We couldn't buy
better publicity than that.

221
00:11:49,865 --> 00:11:53,185
Look, Jamie, maybe this could be
like the last bar of chocolate

222
00:11:53,185 --> 00:11:55,176
before I go on the diet, eh?

223
00:11:55,265 --> 00:11:58,098
Oh! I almost forgot the tip.

224
00:12:02,465 --> 00:12:04,535
What a lovely man.

225
00:12:04,625 --> 00:12:06,661
Alison, did you miss this meeting?

226
00:12:10,125 --> 00:12:11,956
Religion.
Little Jimmy Osmond.

227
00:12:12,045 --> 00:12:14,005
Neo-Conservatism.
Spelling.

228
00:12:14,005 --> 00:12:15,005
J-Lo.

229
00:12:15,005 --> 00:12:16,916
Excellent.

230
00:12:17,005 --> 00:12:20,793
Now, GOOD points about America?

231
00:12:29,805 --> 00:12:31,124
Ben & Jerry's.

232
00:12:32,965 --> 00:12:34,034
Botox.

233
00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:36,485
CHARLES: Come on,
I know this is difficult.

234
00:12:36,485 --> 00:12:38,953
No-one's ever spun
a whole country before, but...

235
00:12:39,045 --> 00:12:41,639
Well, there are historical examples,

236
00:12:41,725 --> 00:12:45,445
but they all involve either
changing the name of the country

237
00:12:45,445 --> 00:12:47,879
or putting
the black population in charge -

238
00:12:47,965 --> 00:12:50,925
neither of which will go down
tremendously well in Middle America.

239
00:12:50,925 --> 00:12:52,836
CHARLES: Oh, come on!

240
00:12:52,925 --> 00:12:57,715
Surely the world's only superpower
has got more going for it than ice-cream

241
00:12:57,805 --> 00:12:59,525
and cosmetic surgery.

242
00:12:59,525 --> 00:13:01,405
Right turn on red light if road clear.

243
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:03,680
I'd bring that in here
if I were transport minister.

244
00:13:03,765 --> 00:13:05,596
It'd be LEFT turn.

245
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:08,199
Come on, Alison.
You haven't said anything yet.

246
00:13:08,285 --> 00:13:10,162
I'm not really the person for this.

247
00:13:10,245 --> 00:13:13,601
Before John Kennedy was on to this,
I was boycotting America.

248
00:13:13,685 --> 00:13:16,445
I have nothing to do with the place
at all if I can help it.

249
00:13:16,445 --> 00:13:18,595
Oh, yes? What's your favourite film then?

250
00:13:18,685 --> 00:13:19,725
The Piano.

251
00:13:19,725 --> 00:13:22,523
Oh, Christ. Obviously.
Well, apart from The Piano?

252
00:13:22,605 --> 00:13:27,633
Um, When Harry Met Sally...
um, Lost In Translation.

253
00:13:27,725 --> 00:13:28,680
Um...

254
00:13:28,765 --> 00:13:30,437
Annie Hall.

255
00:13:30,525 --> 00:13:32,959
Hardly un-American activities, then.

256
00:13:33,045 --> 00:13:34,763
And your favourite TV shows?

257
00:13:34,845 --> 00:13:39,157
Um, Friends... Frasier...

258
00:13:39,245 --> 00:13:42,078
Seinfeld, er, Will And Grace.

259
00:13:52,005 --> 00:13:55,042
I think we may have discovered
the truth of world politics.

260
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:58,959
The only people who can be convinced
of the point of America are Americans.

261
00:13:59,045 --> 00:14:01,798
I think the solution lies
at the English end of things.

262
00:14:01,885 --> 00:14:04,479
I'm going to ask John Kennedy
to have lunch with me.

263
00:14:04,565 --> 00:14:07,365
What's the point? You won't stop him
spouting anti-American stuff.

264
00:14:07,365 --> 00:14:09,401
I don't want to stop him.

265
00:14:09,485 --> 00:14:12,841
I want to encourage him
to carry on spouting.

266
00:14:15,165 --> 00:14:17,918
The English cod
and French fries, please.

267
00:14:18,005 --> 00:14:20,883
Oh, tell me,
any complaints about the new menu?

268
00:14:20,965 --> 00:14:23,005
The occasional American tourist.

269
00:14:23,005 --> 00:14:25,473
We send them round the
corner to McDonalds. Sir?

270
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:28,238
The all-day
full English breakfast for me.

271
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:30,441
And to drink?
Oh, tea, tea.

272
00:14:30,525 --> 00:14:33,801
And in a blue-and-white
striped mug, if you've got one.

273
00:14:33,885 --> 00:14:36,638
So, why did you want to see me?

274
00:14:36,725 --> 00:14:40,320
Well, as an old college friend...
Which you weren't...

275
00:14:40,405 --> 00:14:42,635
I'm delighted
to see you doing so well.

276
00:14:42,725 --> 00:14:44,602
No, you're not.

277
00:14:44,685 --> 00:14:46,325
The word at Westminster

278
00:14:46,325 --> 00:14:48,525
is that you're working for
the American Embassy against me.

279
00:14:48,525 --> 00:14:50,481
No, I'm not.

280
00:14:50,565 --> 00:14:54,478
Yes, I am. But in PR -
we're not like politicians.

281
00:14:54,565 --> 00:14:57,318
We don't have to believe
everything we do.

282
00:14:57,405 --> 00:15:00,954
I'm taking their money
because they asked first.

283
00:15:01,045 --> 00:15:04,117
But yours is the campaign
that really fascinates me.

284
00:15:04,205 --> 00:15:07,117
There's never been anything
like it in British politics.

285
00:15:07,205 --> 00:15:10,436
You've always said you wanted
to be this nation's John Kennedy,

286
00:15:10,525 --> 00:15:12,561
and now... in a sense... you are.

287
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:15,796
How prescient of your parents
to name you after him.

288
00:15:15,885 --> 00:15:17,398
I know.

289
00:15:17,485 --> 00:15:21,717
When the Lib Dems got a Kennedy for
a leader, I thought that had bollocksed it.

290
00:15:21,805 --> 00:15:24,005
But people never thought of Jack
when they looked at him.

291
00:15:24,005 --> 00:15:26,360
No. More Teddy, really.

292
00:15:27,965 --> 00:15:31,719
So you want me to believe that you've
come here to give me some free advice?

293
00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:33,284
Don't be silly, John!

294
00:15:33,365 --> 00:15:37,074
No, in my business, we take a fee
off a urinal after pissing in it.

295
00:15:37,165 --> 00:15:39,565
Tell me, John, why don't you trust me?

296
00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:41,715
Because you're a satanic,
amoral double-dealer

297
00:15:41,805 --> 00:15:43,523
who's employed by the other side.

298
00:15:43,605 --> 00:15:45,675
Well, you're right.

299
00:15:45,765 --> 00:15:47,483
I am a total bastard.

300
00:15:47,565 --> 00:15:51,558
And I'm playing both sides.
But I won't tell my colleagues, my client,

301
00:15:51,645 --> 00:15:54,045
the Chancellor of the Exchequer
about you,

302
00:15:54,045 --> 00:15:57,276
if you think
that my advice is worth paying for.

303
00:15:57,365 --> 00:15:59,003
Well, I may,

304
00:15:59,085 --> 00:16:00,723
when I've heard that advice.

305
00:16:00,805 --> 00:16:02,845
Well, we both know, John,

306
00:16:02,845 --> 00:16:05,803
that you've always wanted
to be leader of the Tory party.

307
00:16:05,885 --> 00:16:09,924
What I have in here
will transform your career forever.

308
00:16:11,645 --> 00:16:14,318
Read it.

309
00:16:14,405 --> 00:16:18,557
People will call it
the speech of your life.

310
00:16:23,125 --> 00:16:27,323
Yes, hello, this is Alison at Prentiss
McCabe, leaving a message for Lulu.

311
00:16:27,405 --> 00:16:29,485
Um, Lulu, I got your message

312
00:16:29,485 --> 00:16:32,238
about whether we can get you
on to Celebrity Enema.

313
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,680
Um, I've spoken with Channel 4,

314
00:16:34,765 --> 00:16:38,678
and it seems that it was just an April
Fools spoof in Broadcast magazine.

315
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:42,201
Yep, there's actually no such series.
Sorry about that.

316
00:16:42,285 --> 00:16:45,085
Cat, could you call Michael Winner
and Jeremy Clarkson

317
00:16:45,085 --> 00:16:47,360
and tell them the same, please? Thanks.

318
00:16:52,565 --> 00:16:55,085
There's a huge picket line
of liberals outside,

319
00:16:55,085 --> 00:16:57,553
shouting, "America,
wake up and smell the coffee!"

320
00:16:57,645 --> 00:17:00,921
Right, let's love-bomb
the Peter Harrow problem. Cat?

321
00:17:01,005 --> 00:17:03,685
Just nudge me a bit. Client or colleague?

322
00:17:03,685 --> 00:17:05,165
TV's "Mr Travel".

323
00:17:05,165 --> 00:17:07,076
How do we turn Mr Nice into Mr Vice?

324
00:17:07,165 --> 00:17:10,285
He could always sleep with your
sister at your cousin's wedding.

325
00:17:10,285 --> 00:17:12,355
Seems to be an effective method.

326
00:17:13,285 --> 00:17:17,597
I'm just using that as a generic
example of bad male behaviour.

327
00:17:17,685 --> 00:17:22,156
Although you're famous for never coming
up with an idea without researching it.

328
00:17:22,245 --> 00:17:26,925
So, what we need is for Peter Harrow
to be accused of sexual deviance

329
00:17:26,925 --> 00:17:29,359
and falling professional standards.

330
00:17:29,445 --> 00:17:31,325
Does he have a mistress
who could blab?

331
00:17:31,325 --> 00:17:33,395
No. He fell in love with a 14-year old...

332
00:17:33,485 --> 00:17:35,635
That's good -
the Bill Wyman of TV travel.

333
00:17:35,725 --> 00:17:38,605
...when he was ALSO 14.
They've been together 50 years now.

334
00:17:38,605 --> 00:17:40,118
Bastard. OK...

335
00:17:40,205 --> 00:17:42,435
Incest?
No. Only child.

336
00:17:44,245 --> 00:17:48,033
JAMIE: It's actually quite hard to
come up with anything shocking.

337
00:17:48,125 --> 00:17:51,322
40 years ago, BBC presenters
were sacked for getting divorced.

338
00:17:51,405 --> 00:17:54,875
Now, if they hump a donkey,
they're on the next series of I'm A Celeb.

339
00:17:56,565 --> 00:18:00,114
Cat, have you got a copy of
Harrow's Super Switzerland episode?

340
00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:03,561
Haven't you seen his back catalogue?
It's for the American campaign.

341
00:18:11,245 --> 00:18:13,839
VOICEOVER: Britain, 2010.

342
00:18:21,205 --> 00:18:25,915
A fast-food giant has driven out
English restaurants from the high street.

343
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:31,159
If you buy the super-size fondue,
you get a free William Tell doll.

344
00:18:31,245 --> 00:18:34,396
VOICEOVER: At the local cinema,
the latest blockbuster is playing.

345
00:18:35,725 --> 00:18:40,515
And home-grown bands don't have
a chance of topping the charts.

346
00:18:40,605 --> 00:18:43,244
(YODELLING)

347
00:18:45,085 --> 00:18:50,034
If there HAS to be a world superpower,
aren't you glad it isn't Switzerland?

348
00:18:54,245 --> 00:18:57,282
Not bad, Jamie.
Not bad at all.

349
00:18:59,245 --> 00:19:04,558
Which is why, Ozzy, I think you're made
for the part of Shane in Emmerdale.

350
00:19:04,645 --> 00:19:06,158
He is a tramp, yes.

351
00:19:07,765 --> 00:19:10,643
Monosyllabic,
but it's a great little cameo.

352
00:19:11,765 --> 00:19:13,925
He does indeed die in the first episode,

353
00:19:13,925 --> 00:19:15,836
but who wants to hang around
Emmerdale,

354
00:19:15,925 --> 00:19:18,120
watching their career
give up the ghost?

355
00:19:18,205 --> 00:19:21,045
And you'll be up
for Best Guest Artist In A Role

356
00:19:21,045 --> 00:19:23,320
of Under Eight Words
at the British Soap Awards.

357
00:19:33,765 --> 00:19:38,714
You might think you recognised the angry
customer screaming at staff

358
00:19:38,805 --> 00:19:42,320
in that CCTV footage filmed
at a London hotel this week.

359
00:19:42,405 --> 00:19:47,274
But then you'll have thought, "It can't be,
because Peter Harrow - TV's Mr Nice -

360
00:19:47,365 --> 00:19:49,083
"would never do that." Right?

361
00:19:49,165 --> 00:19:53,681
Well, wrong, according to the tabloid
newspaper which obtained that footage.

362
00:19:53,765 --> 00:19:58,600
The Daily News alleges that television's
veteran traveller insisted three times

363
00:19:58,685 --> 00:20:01,845
on a change of room and responded
with four-letter words

364
00:20:01,845 --> 00:20:04,120
when staff refused him a fourth move.

365
00:20:04,205 --> 00:20:07,641
We're joined by Mr Harrow's
PR representative, Jamie Front.

366
00:20:07,725 --> 00:20:09,805
I suppose you're going to give us

367
00:20:09,805 --> 00:20:12,558
the usual flimflam about
this being taken out of context?

368
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:16,399
No. In fact, for those of your
viewers who lack lip-reading skills,

369
00:20:16,485 --> 00:20:19,204
what Mr Harrow is saying
on the footage is...

370
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:22,805
"I realise that, in the pathetic
little country you come from,

371
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,114
"beds are not a high priority

372
00:20:25,205 --> 00:20:28,914
"because the women sleep on brothel
cots and the men on mortuary slabs.

373
00:20:29,005 --> 00:20:32,918
"But I have walked on marble floors
in Spanish cathedrals

374
00:20:33,005 --> 00:20:37,044
"which were more comfortable than
what you laughingly call a mattress.

375
00:20:37,125 --> 00:20:39,405
"If you and the other
Colombian drug mules

376
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,441
"behind the reception desk
weren't so busy

377
00:20:41,525 --> 00:20:44,685
"dashing to the lavatory to retrieve
the condoms full of cocaine

378
00:20:44,685 --> 00:20:46,755
"floating around your bellies,

379
00:20:46,845 --> 00:20:50,474
"then maybe you'd have some time
for your customers."

380
00:20:50,565 --> 00:20:54,045
Then he goes on to compare
the bar staff with the Nazi party...

381
00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:56,001
but you get the general idea.

382
00:20:56,085 --> 00:20:58,165
I do. Impressively honest as well.

383
00:20:58,165 --> 00:21:01,202
But who do you think
leaked this video to the press?

384
00:21:01,285 --> 00:21:05,164
It was clearly somebody determined
to destroy Peter Harrow's reputation.

385
00:21:05,245 --> 00:21:09,124
Well, that person may have failed
because we're just hearing, Jamie,

386
00:21:09,205 --> 00:21:13,642
that Peter Harrow has issued
a full apology to the hotel staff involved...

387
00:21:13,725 --> 00:21:16,285
and he has agreed to give
a charity lecture there.

388
00:21:16,365 --> 00:21:19,596
Jamie, that's got to be good news
for you as his PR, hasn't it?

389
00:21:19,685 --> 00:21:23,598
Yes. That is entirely typical
of Peter Harrow.

390
00:21:24,765 --> 00:21:27,837
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Force of habit, I suppose.

391
00:21:27,925 --> 00:21:31,918
The Times Diary rang me to ask how I felt
about the hotel reception thing.

392
00:21:32,005 --> 00:21:36,476
I just wasn't thinking,
and said, "I'm so terribly sorry."

393
00:21:36,565 --> 00:21:38,317
I'm so terribly sorry.

394
00:21:39,925 --> 00:21:42,085
I don't think I can forgive John Kennedy

395
00:21:42,085 --> 00:21:45,043
for tapioca being the dessert
of the day at the Ivy.

396
00:21:45,125 --> 00:21:47,645
But I'm going to give you
a second chance.

397
00:21:47,645 --> 00:21:49,840
I want you to go to Heathrow Airport...

398
00:21:51,965 --> 00:21:54,125
The American President last night
authorised emergency aid

399
00:21:54,125 --> 00:21:56,559
to the US beef and corn industries

400
00:21:56,645 --> 00:22:00,843
which have been hit by John Kennedy's
campaign against junk food.

401
00:22:00,925 --> 00:22:03,393
And there's more bad
news for the White House.

402
00:22:03,485 --> 00:22:06,682
Mr Kennedy, encouraged by
the success of his campaign,

403
00:22:06,765 --> 00:22:10,394
has now announced plans to stand
against the leader of the opposition.

404
00:22:10,485 --> 00:22:13,365
Sources close to the Shadow
Health Minister have suggested

405
00:22:13,365 --> 00:22:15,720
he'll use his first public appearance

406
00:22:15,805 --> 00:22:18,005
since challenging for the leadership

407
00:22:18,005 --> 00:22:20,599
to set out the key strategy
of his manifesto.

408
00:22:22,325 --> 00:22:25,805
Aren't you going to stay and find out
who the leader of the opposition is?

409
00:22:25,805 --> 00:22:27,477
Very useful for pub quizzes.

410
00:22:27,565 --> 00:22:29,765
I thought you said
you were going to fix Kennedy.

411
00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:30,993
I did, didn't I?

412
00:22:34,405 --> 00:22:36,396
Gentlemen, this is a precaution.

413
00:22:36,485 --> 00:22:39,716
The FBI has put out an alert
about anthrax aftershave.

414
00:22:43,925 --> 00:22:47,804
Yeah, I'm sorry, Tara,
it was an April Fools joke...

415
00:22:47,885 --> 00:22:50,080
Hello.

416
00:22:50,165 --> 00:22:52,440
What?

417
00:22:52,525 --> 00:22:54,243
Oh, no.

418
00:22:54,325 --> 00:22:57,283
Jamie, Peter Harrow's been arrested.

419
00:22:58,565 --> 00:23:02,797
If there has to be a world superpower,
aren't you glad it isn't Switzerland?

420
00:23:02,885 --> 00:23:05,718
Why everybody loves America.

421
00:23:05,805 --> 00:23:09,161
That had a slickness
that was almost... American.

422
00:23:09,245 --> 00:23:12,635
The rest of it is just variations
on the same theme, really.

423
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,159
Belgium fills the high street
with waffle bars.

424
00:23:15,245 --> 00:23:18,954
Canada replaces the Grand National
with moose racing - that sort of thing.

425
00:23:19,045 --> 00:23:21,045
Excuse me, Mr Ambassador,

426
00:23:21,045 --> 00:23:23,001
we're hearing that John
Kennedy's going nuclear.

427
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:28,205
Think not about what that
country has done to you,

428
00:23:28,205 --> 00:23:31,914
but rather what you can
still do to that country.

429
00:23:32,005 --> 00:23:33,643
(APPLAUSE)

430
00:23:36,325 --> 00:23:41,877
This campaign has already
had an effect upon our menus.

431
00:23:41,965 --> 00:23:47,756
But, my fellow Britons,
protest can not be a la carte.

432
00:23:47,845 --> 00:23:51,599
What is the point
of refusing to eat cheeseburgers,

433
00:23:51,685 --> 00:23:54,845
when every Friday night
we're helping Julia Roberts

434
00:23:54,845 --> 00:23:57,757
or Tom Cruise to buy another yacht?

435
00:23:57,845 --> 00:23:59,365
(APPLAUSE)

436
00:23:59,365 --> 00:24:00,878
So, tonight,

437
00:24:00,965 --> 00:24:07,837
I am calling for a total boycott
of all American products.

438
00:24:07,925 --> 00:24:12,555
Let our multiplexes say no
to Spiderman 3,

439
00:24:12,645 --> 00:24:16,115
and run seasons
of Peter Greenaway films instead.

440
00:24:17,165 --> 00:24:19,076
Let us wear plimsolls

441
00:24:19,165 --> 00:24:21,918
instead of Nikes

442
00:24:22,005 --> 00:24:28,478
and British Home Stores slacks
instead of Levi's...

443
00:24:28,565 --> 00:24:33,434
Well, I don't think
that frightening English folks

444
00:24:33,525 --> 00:24:37,757
with the idea of fondue and Heidi at
the movies is gonna be enough, do you?

445
00:24:37,845 --> 00:24:39,563
Ma'am, the FBI FedExed this.

446
00:24:39,645 --> 00:24:41,203
Ah, the Kennedy dossier.

447
00:24:44,485 --> 00:24:47,445
Surveillance confirms
that Charles Seymour Prentiss

448
00:24:47,445 --> 00:24:50,323
has been secretly advising
the Kennedy campaign.

449
00:24:51,405 --> 00:24:54,203
Where exactly IS Guantanamo Bay?

450
00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:57,485
Oh, come on,
haven't you learnt your lesson yet

451
00:24:57,485 --> 00:25:00,283
about not trusting
what you read in dossiers?

452
00:25:00,365 --> 00:25:04,483
This was all part
of the same campaign.

453
00:25:04,565 --> 00:25:08,165
Like Kennedy calling for the
total economic isolation of the USA

454
00:25:08,165 --> 00:25:09,405
was gonna help us?

455
00:25:09,405 --> 00:25:10,554
It's a point.

456
00:25:10,645 --> 00:25:13,405
Look, British politics
has always been Diet Coke.

457
00:25:13,405 --> 00:25:16,442
I spun Kennedy
into giving them "the real thing".

458
00:25:16,525 --> 00:25:20,916
Kennedy's speech showed people
what it would be like to be English,

459
00:25:21,005 --> 00:25:23,280
to be REALLY English -

460
00:25:23,365 --> 00:25:26,805
the films, the clothes, the food.

461
00:25:26,805 --> 00:25:30,923
Now, to use a quaint
American expression of yours,

462
00:25:31,005 --> 00:25:34,077
that is so NOT what
the British people want.

463
00:25:34,165 --> 00:25:38,602
I guarantee you, there'll be a run
on Egg McMuffins by lunchtime.

464
00:25:53,725 --> 00:25:56,445
I can't believe
we're celebrating a client's arrest.

465
00:25:56,445 --> 00:25:59,801
Is it true that you hit
a Virgin check-in girl?

466
00:25:59,885 --> 00:26:03,116
It was pure luck. I booked myself
into economy, like Jamie said.

467
00:26:03,205 --> 00:26:05,845
All ready to get drunk
and be rude to the working classes.

468
00:26:05,845 --> 00:26:07,437
But the check-in girl said

469
00:26:07,525 --> 00:26:09,885
that my programmes
were her parents' only comfort

470
00:26:09,885 --> 00:26:12,035
during their terminal illnesses.

471
00:26:12,125 --> 00:26:16,641
I said I didn't want an upgrade,
she said I had to. So... BOOM!

472
00:26:16,725 --> 00:26:18,085
Good man.

473
00:26:18,085 --> 00:26:20,315
Absolutely. I start filming
in Beirut on Tuesday.

474
00:26:20,405 --> 00:26:24,080
I thought you'd covered Beirut already.
That was Beautiful Beirut.

475
00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:27,396
This is different - grittier.
I'm A Celebrity Hostage.

476
00:26:27,485 --> 00:26:29,441
(MOBILE BLEEPS)

477
00:26:31,045 --> 00:26:32,398
God.

478
00:26:32,485 --> 00:26:33,554
What?

479
00:26:33,645 --> 00:26:36,717
"Tory leadership contender,
John Kennedy, shot."

480
00:26:39,365 --> 00:26:43,278
Well, he always said he wanted
to be Britain's JFK, didn't he?