1 00:00:03,038 --> 00:00:04,471 (SIGHS) 2 00:00:21,678 --> 00:00:24,636 Bugger the House of Lords. 3 00:00:24,718 --> 00:00:27,186 That's exactly the PM's thinking. 4 00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:31,191 And you'd like Prentiss McCabe to handle it for you? 5 00:00:31,278 --> 00:00:37,547 Well, what I'm looking for is a public-private partnership. 6 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,230 So... 7 00:00:39,318 --> 00:00:44,028 you'd like Prentiss McCabe to handle it for you. 8 00:00:45,398 --> 00:00:48,196 (CAMERA CLICKS) 9 00:00:48,278 --> 00:00:50,234 Yes. 10 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:51,956 Good. 11 00:00:52,038 --> 00:00:57,192 Well, now let's get down to the nuts and bolts of pounds and pence. 12 00:01:00,598 --> 00:01:02,589 Flash git. 13 00:01:08,118 --> 00:01:10,871 Very good. File under P. For Priestley? 14 00:01:10,958 --> 00:01:14,746 For Potential Porking, as in, we now have irrefutable evidence 15 00:01:14,838 --> 00:01:17,955 of my little parley with Priestley should it all go tits-up. 16 00:01:18,038 --> 00:01:20,871 Invites have gone out for Tara's book launch. 17 00:01:20,958 --> 00:01:22,835 Has Salman responded? 18 00:01:22,918 --> 00:01:26,911 You advised him to rebuild his profile. He's on tour with Busted. 19 00:01:26,998 --> 00:01:30,308 Tara's book launch? I thought she'd only managed one chapter. 20 00:01:30,398 --> 00:01:33,834 If we'd waited, London would have slipped into the Thames. 21 00:01:33,918 --> 00:01:36,432 Have you seen this? Separated at birth. 22 00:01:36,518 --> 00:01:40,875 Neil Morrissey and the Duracell Bunny. Neil's demanding a retraction. 23 00:01:40,958 --> 00:01:42,638 So's Amanda Holden. 24 00:01:42,638 --> 00:01:44,629 Sadly, it's too late for both of them. Right... 25 00:01:44,718 --> 00:01:48,472 Five minutes. Meeting room. Everyone, please. 26 00:01:48,558 --> 00:01:50,674 Hello, Sid. 27 00:01:50,758 --> 00:01:53,716 Nick from Prentiss McCabe. Good news. 28 00:01:53,798 --> 00:01:57,313 They've accepted your specialist subject at Celebrity Mastermind. 29 00:01:57,398 --> 00:02:00,993 Yeah. The McVities biscuit range from 1975 to 1990. 30 00:02:01,078 --> 00:02:03,876 But some of my closest friends are in the House of Lords. 31 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:06,472 This is our chance to get a foothold in Number Ten. 32 00:02:06,558 --> 00:02:09,558 It's no time for mixing business with sycophantic toadying. 33 00:02:09,558 --> 00:02:11,992 Well, doesn't it strike you as odd? 34 00:02:12,078 --> 00:02:14,758 I mean, here's the PM, the great persuader, 35 00:02:14,758 --> 00:02:18,068 Colin Priestley, top spin doctor, hiring an outside PR company. 36 00:02:18,158 --> 00:02:22,470 Well, I did detect the faint scorched tang of panic in the air. 37 00:02:22,558 --> 00:02:26,551 Besides, Priestley's new office is so far away from the centre of power 38 00:02:26,638 --> 00:02:29,835 that if Number Ten got nuked, he'd merely looked tanned. 39 00:02:29,918 --> 00:02:32,637 What about nasal hair? 40 00:02:32,718 --> 00:02:34,878 I'm going to regret asking this, but what? 41 00:02:34,878 --> 00:02:36,072 Untrimmed nasal hair. 42 00:02:36,158 --> 00:02:38,558 When a chap's career is on a downward curve 43 00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:40,469 it's one of the telltale little signs. 44 00:02:40,558 --> 00:02:43,318 It's how we all knew Cecil Parkinson was on the slide. 45 00:02:43,318 --> 00:02:45,115 We thought he'd have to plait his. 46 00:02:47,278 --> 00:02:49,030 This has come directly from Number Ten? 47 00:02:49,118 --> 00:02:51,712 Well, from just around the corner. But via Number Ten. 48 00:02:51,798 --> 00:02:53,834 Definitely via Number Ten. Absolutely. 49 00:02:53,918 --> 00:02:54,873 Where do we start? 50 00:02:54,958 --> 00:02:57,392 Well, imagine I'm the Prime Minister. 51 00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,838 I lead a party which, in a fit of absent-minded lunacy, 52 00:03:00,838 --> 00:03:03,068 promised to reform the House of Lords. 53 00:03:03,158 --> 00:03:05,518 This party has only had 18 years in opposition 54 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,793 and seven years in Government to think about it, 55 00:03:07,878 --> 00:03:09,478 so they haven't a clue. 56 00:03:09,478 --> 00:03:11,150 So they bring in someone from the outside. 57 00:03:11,238 --> 00:03:13,478 I still don't know where we start. 58 00:03:13,478 --> 00:03:15,833 It's quite simple. Has anyone got a watch? 59 00:03:15,918 --> 00:03:18,118 Can someone tell me how I get Sid Owen up to speed 60 00:03:18,118 --> 00:03:19,437 for Celebrity Mastermind? 61 00:03:19,518 --> 00:03:21,827 Even when he's told the answers he gets them wrong. 62 00:03:21,918 --> 00:03:23,670 Can I borrow your watch for a minute? 63 00:03:26,518 --> 00:03:28,156 Thank you. 64 00:03:28,238 --> 00:03:31,071 Right. I'm... 65 00:03:31,158 --> 00:03:34,514 I think we're paying our employees too much. Right. 66 00:03:34,598 --> 00:03:39,592 I'm the Prime Minister and this is the House of Lords. 67 00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:43,678 So I have promised to sweep away century after century 68 00:03:43,678 --> 00:03:46,590 of unelected, clapped-out hereditary peerage. 69 00:03:46,678 --> 00:03:54,358 This undemocratic, unrepresentative chamber must and will be smashed. 70 00:03:54,358 --> 00:03:58,317 So, ladies and gentlemen, having smashed the House of Lords, 71 00:03:58,398 --> 00:04:01,037 I must now reform it. But I'm the Prime Minister. 72 00:04:01,118 --> 00:04:03,638 I'm very good at the right hand of God stuff, 73 00:04:03,638 --> 00:04:05,594 a past master at smashing things to smithereens 74 00:04:05,678 --> 00:04:08,954 but... not quite so good at reforming them afterwards. 75 00:04:09,038 --> 00:04:14,112 So I say to my expectant audience, "Ladies and gentlemen..." 76 00:04:15,718 --> 00:04:18,518 Bugger me, I've forgotten how to do the rest of the trick. 77 00:04:18,518 --> 00:04:20,718 And that's where we come in. 78 00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:22,558 Tricks are us. 79 00:04:22,558 --> 00:04:24,118 So, first things first. 80 00:04:24,118 --> 00:04:28,794 We need a firm base from which to spring forth and dazzle. 81 00:04:28,878 --> 00:04:32,348 Number one, what is the House of Lords? 82 00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:33,917 What is it for? 83 00:04:33,998 --> 00:04:39,595 Cat? Come on, you take a keen interest in current affairs. 84 00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:41,238 I'm not really into fringe groups. 85 00:04:41,238 --> 00:04:44,196 So you don't know its purpose? Not really, no. 86 00:04:44,278 --> 00:04:47,315 Sorry, previous engagement. 87 00:04:47,398 --> 00:04:49,832 Jamie? The purpose of The House of Lords is? 88 00:04:49,918 --> 00:04:53,831 Its main purpose, surely, is to get up the Government's arse. 89 00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:55,718 A cream bun, a Blue Peter badge 90 00:04:55,718 --> 00:04:58,107 and a fellowship of the Academy to our young colleague. 91 00:04:58,198 --> 00:05:00,758 So, you see this as an opportunity to do a terrific job 92 00:05:00,758 --> 00:05:02,316 and get in with Downing Street? 93 00:05:02,398 --> 00:05:07,472 If we do a terrific job then Colin Priestley will take all the credit. 94 00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:11,676 We'll have worked our backsides off and be left howling in the wilderness. 95 00:05:11,758 --> 00:05:13,908 So what do we do? 96 00:05:13,998 --> 00:05:18,708 What we're going to do is trap Priestley into making a fool of himself. 97 00:05:18,798 --> 00:05:24,668 What we need are left-field ideas, ideas so ludicrous, so off the wall 98 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:29,912 that even Ken Livingstone wouldn't consider using them. Alison? 99 00:05:40,918 --> 00:05:44,158 Of course, I'll do anything to help, Marty. 100 00:05:44,158 --> 00:05:45,227 Thank you. 101 00:05:45,318 --> 00:05:47,673 What are old friends for? Now... 102 00:05:47,758 --> 00:05:50,909 what do you know of Colin Priestley? 103 00:05:50,998 --> 00:05:54,115 Priestley? Ghastly man. 104 00:05:54,198 --> 00:05:58,271 Australian and therefore of course but a hop and a skip away from the stocks. 105 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,872 Why? I have to come clean with you. 106 00:06:00,958 --> 00:06:03,631 I summoned you here under slightly false pretences. 107 00:06:03,718 --> 00:06:05,678 To provide you with a gastronomic delight 108 00:06:05,678 --> 00:06:08,033 at a fraction of West End prices, of course, 109 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:11,713 but also to approach you officially on behalf of the House. 110 00:06:11,798 --> 00:06:15,188 What? The House of Lords needs a PR company? 111 00:06:15,278 --> 00:06:19,874 Word is that this Priestley is under orders to wipe us out. 112 00:06:21,638 --> 00:06:25,756 Surely not. And I for one will not stand for it. 113 00:06:25,838 --> 00:06:29,547 This House represents all that is great about Britain. 114 00:06:29,638 --> 00:06:32,438 It is the beating democratic heart of this great nation. 115 00:06:32,438 --> 00:06:34,429 Plus I've barely dented the wine list. 116 00:06:34,518 --> 00:06:37,478 Well, I don't know what I could... 117 00:06:37,478 --> 00:06:40,629 Should you set your shoulder to the wheel, 118 00:06:40,718 --> 00:06:44,678 I can almost guarantee that your application will find its way 119 00:06:44,678 --> 00:06:47,598 to the very top of the pile 120 00:06:47,598 --> 00:06:50,398 and the face that greets it will be smothered 121 00:06:50,398 --> 00:06:52,832 in a benevolent and favourable smile. 122 00:06:56,838 --> 00:07:01,036 We could turn the building into a hospital? 123 00:07:01,118 --> 00:07:03,916 What? The House of Wards? Or a music college? 124 00:07:03,998 --> 00:07:05,198 The House of Chords. 125 00:07:05,198 --> 00:07:07,268 How about a brothel? The House of Bawds? 126 00:07:07,358 --> 00:07:09,918 I think we need to start taking this quest 127 00:07:09,918 --> 00:07:11,988 for something ludicrous a lot more seriously. 128 00:07:12,078 --> 00:07:14,638 NICK: How about getting the place secretly sold off 129 00:07:14,638 --> 00:07:16,993 to a multi-trillionaire Russian oil magnate 130 00:07:17,078 --> 00:07:20,627 and then turning the place into a block of luxury flats? 131 00:07:20,718 --> 00:07:23,232 Desirable London locations with river views. 132 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,707 The GLC building's now a luxury hotel. 133 00:07:25,798 --> 00:07:28,398 But the House of Lords isn't just about a building. 134 00:07:28,398 --> 00:07:30,275 It's about the people in the building. 135 00:07:30,358 --> 00:07:34,067 We pin down what to do with them and we crack this, surely? 136 00:07:34,158 --> 00:07:37,548 We could relocate the old trumpets to Torquay. 137 00:07:37,638 --> 00:07:40,550 But how do we shift hundreds of Lords en masse? 138 00:07:40,638 --> 00:07:42,754 Sunshine Coaches? 139 00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:46,274 CHARLES: Well, so far, Colin, we've got sexual depravity, 140 00:07:46,358 --> 00:07:50,909 peculation of public funds and 124 cases of tax fraud. 141 00:07:50,998 --> 00:07:54,958 But there's nothing here that's going to shock the great unwashed 142 00:07:54,958 --> 00:07:57,597 into a blood-letting frenzy. 143 00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,794 Maybe we should try insanity. 144 00:07:59,878 --> 00:08:00,993 You know the sort of thing - 145 00:08:01,078 --> 00:08:02,989 "Clare Short is mad..." 146 00:08:03,078 --> 00:08:06,354 Well, of course she was actually mad. 147 00:08:06,438 --> 00:08:09,350 Colin, this is the House of Lords. 148 00:08:09,438 --> 00:08:12,748 If we can't find clinical insanity there, where can we find it? 149 00:08:12,838 --> 00:08:15,955 Charles, we need to talk. Yes, won't be a second. 150 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:18,871 ...I suppose we... Now. 151 00:08:23,398 --> 00:08:26,788 Conflict of interest? How yesterday! Lesley Garret's on the phone. 152 00:08:26,878 --> 00:08:29,638 She can't decide between a season of opera at the ENO 153 00:08:29,638 --> 00:08:31,833 or another series of Saturday Night Takeaway. 154 00:08:31,918 --> 00:08:34,591 Well, do Ant and Dec want her to sing? Absolutely not. 155 00:08:34,678 --> 00:08:36,794 Then Ant and Dec it must be. 156 00:08:36,878 --> 00:08:39,517 So, we say nothing to Priestley or the Lords? 157 00:08:39,598 --> 00:08:41,438 On the contrary, we say lots to both sides 158 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,038 and bill them enormous sums for doing so. 159 00:08:43,038 --> 00:08:44,471 But ethically? 160 00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:47,026 Ethically we'll never get another chance like this. 161 00:08:47,118 --> 00:08:48,798 You take Jamie and Cat, 162 00:08:48,798 --> 00:08:51,232 I'll take Nick and Alison and may the best man win. 163 00:08:52,998 --> 00:08:55,671 We've spent the afternoon deconstructing the Lords 164 00:08:55,758 --> 00:08:57,318 and now you're asking us 165 00:08:57,318 --> 00:08:59,548 to come up with ways to put them back together again? 166 00:08:59,638 --> 00:09:01,318 Is it such a tall order? 167 00:09:01,318 --> 00:09:04,037 There are hundreds of peers and not a decent-Iooking one among them. 168 00:09:04,118 --> 00:09:05,517 It's like clubbing in Newcastle. 169 00:09:06,438 --> 00:09:07,996 OK, Charles, here's the pitch. 170 00:09:08,078 --> 00:09:10,672 The Government wants to reform the House of Lords, 171 00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:14,876 bringing it more in line with Government thinking and policy making, yes? 172 00:09:14,958 --> 00:09:17,631 Well, that's what they're saying publicly. 173 00:09:17,718 --> 00:09:21,198 The real agenda is to get shot of a bunch of clapped-out troublemakers 174 00:09:21,198 --> 00:09:23,109 about whom nobody gives a damn. 175 00:09:23,198 --> 00:09:25,518 Precisely. 176 00:09:25,518 --> 00:09:29,557 Then why not get rid of them literally with a TRAVELLING second chamber? 177 00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:34,674 So let me get this straight. 178 00:09:34,758 --> 00:09:36,316 CHARLES: By all means. 179 00:09:36,398 --> 00:09:40,391 You are proposing that we replace the House of Lords... 180 00:09:40,478 --> 00:09:42,548 That was the brief. 181 00:09:42,638 --> 00:09:48,588 ...with a travelling second chamber called the Democrabus. 182 00:09:48,678 --> 00:09:54,674 Well, it'll be a fleet of buses eventually, but... yes. 183 00:09:54,758 --> 00:09:58,956 Are you completely deranged or are you just deliberately taking the piss? 184 00:09:59,038 --> 00:10:02,078 It's a radical solution, I grant you, 185 00:10:02,078 --> 00:10:05,150 but it's one that's sure to chime with the electorate. 186 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,398 The old farts are always banging on 187 00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:09,468 about how they're the defenders of democracy. 188 00:10:09,558 --> 00:10:12,391 Well, let's see them get out and meet the people, eh? 189 00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:19,111 They can debate top-up fees in Totnes, health in Harrogate, education in Essex... 190 00:10:19,198 --> 00:10:21,314 Well, perhaps not Essex. 191 00:10:21,398 --> 00:10:23,787 And ordinary people will be involved? 192 00:10:25,398 --> 00:10:28,037 Well, they won't actually be involved, no. 193 00:10:28,118 --> 00:10:31,588 They won't change anything, but the point is they'll THINK they are. 194 00:10:31,678 --> 00:10:35,158 It'll feel democratic and it'll get all of those peers 195 00:10:35,158 --> 00:10:38,912 out of your hair once and for all. That's the point. 196 00:10:38,998 --> 00:10:41,318 Look, if you're still uncertain, 197 00:10:41,318 --> 00:10:44,674 do what you always do with your more toxic political proposals. 198 00:10:44,758 --> 00:10:46,749 Label it a "pilot scheme" 199 00:10:46,838 --> 00:10:48,749 and start it off in Scotland. 200 00:10:48,838 --> 00:10:53,038 You see, Marty, it's our utter detachment from democracy 201 00:10:53,038 --> 00:10:56,474 that makes us what we are. 202 00:10:56,558 --> 00:10:59,595 Yes, I think you may probably be right. 203 00:10:59,678 --> 00:11:02,636 If only people would see beyond appearances. 204 00:11:02,718 --> 00:11:08,509 Indeed. Although to be fair, it's not easy seeing beyond this goose, is it? 205 00:11:08,598 --> 00:11:10,429 But things are changing. 206 00:11:10,518 --> 00:11:13,271 We have all sorts of riffraff in here now. 207 00:11:13,358 --> 00:11:19,513 I mean, if Bragg and Putnam can get a seat, what price Forsyth and Wisdom? 208 00:11:19,598 --> 00:11:21,598 Or McCabe? 209 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:24,908 Marty, this Government is taking away our liberties. 210 00:11:24,998 --> 00:11:27,273 And of course taking liberties is YOUR job. 211 00:11:27,358 --> 00:11:30,395 Rumour has it, they've hired some professional outfit. 212 00:11:30,478 --> 00:11:35,188 I want you to find out who this tin-pot team are and deal with them. 213 00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:37,838 Have no fear, Henry. 214 00:11:37,918 --> 00:11:40,751 Prentiss McCabe know how these things work. 215 00:11:40,838 --> 00:11:43,798 First, the softening-up process, the blackening of names, 216 00:11:43,798 --> 00:11:46,471 the besmirching of reputations. 217 00:11:46,558 --> 00:11:47,878 Swine. 218 00:11:47,878 --> 00:11:51,348 Then the whisperings to the press, the sensationalised stories, 219 00:11:51,438 --> 00:11:54,998 before they deliver the final coup de grace 220 00:11:54,998 --> 00:11:58,274 and unleash the dread word - "Abolition". 221 00:11:58,358 --> 00:11:59,871 Bastards! 222 00:11:59,958 --> 00:12:03,871 You see, what we need is to rearrange the shop window. 223 00:12:03,958 --> 00:12:07,238 We need to change the public's perception of the Lords 224 00:12:07,238 --> 00:12:09,593 as a bunch of over-privileged toffs 225 00:12:09,678 --> 00:12:14,115 who, I don't know, sit around guzzling port, stuffing themselves with game 226 00:12:14,198 --> 00:12:17,668 before staggering into the chamber and falling asleep. 227 00:12:17,758 --> 00:12:24,311 No, what we need is the public face of two thousand and... 228 00:12:24,398 --> 00:12:28,914 Who's that? Bunty Statham's daughter. 229 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:33,469 Recently taken on the title of Baroness Statham of Chelsea. 230 00:12:33,558 --> 00:12:35,947 Ah. 231 00:12:36,038 --> 00:12:38,278 He's taken the bus to the PM? 232 00:12:38,278 --> 00:12:41,509 Yes, we should hear the rocket going up any minute now. 233 00:12:41,598 --> 00:12:45,876 Charles, Nick Moran wants to get onto GMTV and Breakfast Time. 234 00:12:45,958 --> 00:12:48,631 Has he got a new film to promote? No, he just wants to get on. 235 00:12:48,718 --> 00:12:52,347 And Geri Halliwell wants to cancel Richard and Judy, Des and Mel, 236 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,554 Parky, Jonathan Ross and Paul O'Grady 237 00:12:54,638 --> 00:12:58,074 because she's afraid of over-exposure. 238 00:12:58,158 --> 00:13:02,037 There's also an e-mail from Colin Priestley. He wants to see you ASAP. 239 00:13:02,118 --> 00:13:04,757 Do you know, I rather thought he would. 240 00:13:04,838 --> 00:13:09,150 He loves it. What? 241 00:13:09,238 --> 00:13:15,393 It's quintessentially British, it has tradition, it has flair, it has... 242 00:13:15,478 --> 00:13:16,991 wheels. 243 00:13:17,878 --> 00:13:19,948 Yes. It's also got democracy. 244 00:13:20,038 --> 00:13:22,074 It's modern. 245 00:13:22,158 --> 00:13:23,989 It's a bus. 246 00:13:24,078 --> 00:13:27,468 It's in tune with the people, it's blue-skies thinking. 247 00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:32,234 It reminds one of childhood, of day trips, of the seaside. 248 00:13:32,318 --> 00:13:34,707 It's radical but rooted. 249 00:13:34,798 --> 00:13:36,231 He wants it? 250 00:13:36,318 --> 00:13:38,434 He wants the whole package. 251 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:42,113 This'll get rid of the old bastards once and for all, 252 00:13:42,198 --> 00:13:45,398 spending the rest of their lives 253 00:13:45,398 --> 00:13:48,788 in some travelling, never-ending Radio Five Live phone-in. 254 00:13:48,878 --> 00:13:54,953 It'll look like sweeping reform, but the beauty of it is that essentially it's... 255 00:13:55,038 --> 00:13:56,551 totally meaningless. 256 00:13:56,638 --> 00:13:58,310 It's certainly that. 257 00:13:59,918 --> 00:14:03,513 It's a pity we can't acknowledge your part in all of this, Charles. 258 00:14:03,598 --> 00:14:05,873 It seems so unfair that I get all the credit. 259 00:14:05,958 --> 00:14:07,516 Doesn't it? 260 00:14:07,598 --> 00:14:11,998 Still, who knows? I might be able to swing it with the PM for you 261 00:14:11,998 --> 00:14:14,114 to get a seat in the Lords. 262 00:14:14,198 --> 00:14:17,031 Which would you prefer, top or bottom deck? 263 00:14:20,878 --> 00:14:22,436 The PM liked it? 264 00:14:22,518 --> 00:14:24,986 So much so he wants to pilot the idea. 265 00:14:25,078 --> 00:14:27,638 I must say, by now I fully expected Priestley 266 00:14:27,638 --> 00:14:30,152 to be sat outside the steps of Number Ten, 267 00:14:30,238 --> 00:14:32,433 giving it the full Paula Radcliffe. 268 00:14:32,518 --> 00:14:35,198 Is the world coming round to our way of thinking, 269 00:14:35,198 --> 00:14:37,109 or are we inadvertently shaping the world? 270 00:14:37,198 --> 00:14:39,518 One of PR's primary dictums - 271 00:14:39,518 --> 00:14:44,228 if you knock on a door for long enough, someone is sure to open it. 272 00:14:47,118 --> 00:14:49,916 We're about to send our Lordships into 'Grateful Heaven', 273 00:14:49,998 --> 00:14:52,466 now I have to tell them to go out and buy bus passes. 274 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,992 Do they still have the power to hang, draw and quarter? 275 00:14:55,078 --> 00:14:57,433 How long before the peers are signed up with Wallace Arnold? 276 00:14:57,518 --> 00:14:58,917 A week at most. 277 00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,990 Then we build up the Lords and undercut the bus idea. 278 00:15:02,078 --> 00:15:06,594 We reinforce the idea that the House of Lords doesn't need to move around 279 00:15:06,678 --> 00:15:08,238 to be in touch with the people, 280 00:15:08,238 --> 00:15:10,672 you can be in touch with them from your own living room. 281 00:15:10,758 --> 00:15:13,438 VOICEOVER: You've tuned in to Big Brother, 282 00:15:13,438 --> 00:15:16,271 thrilled to The Games, yawned at The Farm. 283 00:15:16,358 --> 00:15:19,358 But here's a new reality show that gets you close 284 00:15:19,358 --> 00:15:21,997 to where the decisions that matter happen. It's here. 285 00:15:22,078 --> 00:15:26,678 It's now. It's the House of Lords, live on the Parliament Channel, 508. 286 00:15:26,678 --> 00:15:29,146 Press your red button to pick a peer. 287 00:15:29,238 --> 00:15:31,238 The House will take you to the place 288 00:15:31,238 --> 00:15:33,672 where the celebrities are the people who run the country. 289 00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:37,228 Meet Baroness Jane Statham of Chelsea. 290 00:15:37,318 --> 00:15:39,991 Oh, God, what a dog! 291 00:15:40,078 --> 00:15:43,036 So it's an 8.30 in the office... 292 00:15:43,118 --> 00:15:46,827 I'm Baroness Jane Statham, yes, but everyone calls me Jane. 293 00:15:46,918 --> 00:15:52,390 I'm an hereditary peer and I take my role very seriously indeed. 294 00:15:52,478 --> 00:15:54,355 Broad range of students... 295 00:15:54,438 --> 00:15:58,590 VOICEOVER: She cajoles, she rages, she makes herself heard. 296 00:15:58,678 --> 00:16:01,988 Send it back to the Commons! 297 00:16:02,078 --> 00:16:06,469 If you were to put me on the spot, I'd have to vote for... 298 00:16:08,398 --> 00:16:12,710 ...Baroness Amos because she really got on my tits in the House today. 299 00:16:12,798 --> 00:16:15,598 VOICEOVER: Make a difference, make a date with Jane, 300 00:16:15,598 --> 00:16:18,112 make a date with The House. 301 00:16:23,198 --> 00:16:26,038 They were supposed to be getting deeper into the shit 302 00:16:26,038 --> 00:16:28,074 prior to the buses pulling up 303 00:16:28,158 --> 00:16:30,638 and now all of a sudden they've gone platinum. 304 00:16:30,638 --> 00:16:32,629 Yes. Yes, indeed. 305 00:16:32,718 --> 00:16:38,156 Saturday nights, the Parliament Channel is now more popular than BBC One. 306 00:16:38,238 --> 00:16:39,876 Well, so is everything else. 307 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:42,233 That Statham woman has become a cult. 308 00:16:42,318 --> 00:16:46,630 She's now having an affair with some hunky beefcake Liberal Democrat. 309 00:16:46,718 --> 00:16:48,390 A hunky Lib Dem? 310 00:16:48,478 --> 00:16:50,867 Isn't that a contradiction in terms? 311 00:16:50,958 --> 00:16:55,110 The tabloids are calling it "Posh and Even Posher". They're lapping it up. 312 00:16:55,198 --> 00:16:58,270 Thousands of people are tuning in in the middle of the night. 313 00:16:58,358 --> 00:17:01,316 I am distraught. The PM is... distraught. 314 00:17:01,398 --> 00:17:04,708 Yes, well, all of us are... distraught. 315 00:17:04,798 --> 00:17:08,916 I'm not paying you to be distraught, Charles. I'm paying you... 316 00:17:08,998 --> 00:17:14,798 I'm paying you to scupper the House prior to us torpedoing the bastards 317 00:17:14,798 --> 00:17:16,629 out of the water for good. 318 00:17:16,718 --> 00:17:19,758 Look, all that's happened here 319 00:17:19,758 --> 00:17:24,229 is that their Lordships have hired some inferior little PR agency, 320 00:17:24,318 --> 00:17:28,391 some Mickey Mouse outfit, to beef up their public image a little. 321 00:17:28,478 --> 00:17:30,434 It's an abortive pre-emptive strike. 322 00:17:30,518 --> 00:17:32,031 But it's working. 323 00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:35,633 Well, I suppose one does have to have some grudging respect 324 00:17:35,718 --> 00:17:38,478 for whatever Ryman League kind of agency 325 00:17:38,478 --> 00:17:41,390 is running their campaign, yes, I grant you. 326 00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:44,550 The PM is demanding a response. 327 00:17:44,638 --> 00:17:50,668 And he shall have one. It's time to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war. 328 00:18:01,478 --> 00:18:04,675 Today the Government have finally unveiled their plans 329 00:18:04,758 --> 00:18:08,194 for a new, reformed second chamber - the Democrabus. 330 00:18:08,278 --> 00:18:11,315 In a moment I'll be speaking to a top Downing Street adviser. 331 00:18:11,398 --> 00:18:14,708 But first, to explain how it will all work, here's Peter Walsh. 332 00:18:14,798 --> 00:18:19,235 Well, Kirsty, this is tremendously exciting. It's a new concept in democracy. 333 00:18:19,318 --> 00:18:22,708 And it's not going to be shut away in some boring old building in London, 334 00:18:22,798 --> 00:18:25,949 it's gonna be right out there with the people. So how does it work? 335 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:30,156 OK, suppose the Government wants to bring democracy to Barrow-in-Furness. 336 00:18:30,238 --> 00:18:32,115 And off go their Lordships. 337 00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:36,271 And we simply stop the bus in the town centre and start the debate. 338 00:18:36,358 --> 00:18:39,395 And the ordinary people of Barrow-in-Furness... There they are. 339 00:18:39,478 --> 00:18:44,677 They simply join in the debate and all they have to do is get on the bus. 340 00:18:44,758 --> 00:18:48,831 What's so radical about this proposal is that the ordinary voters take part 341 00:18:48,918 --> 00:18:52,274 and vote on an exactly equal footing with their Lordships. 342 00:18:52,358 --> 00:18:54,428 It's direct, instant democracy. 343 00:18:54,518 --> 00:18:58,397 All right. Now let's bring democracy to Devon. There they go. 344 00:18:58,478 --> 00:19:02,187 Oh, dear, some ordinary people have fallen off the bus. Never mind. 345 00:19:02,278 --> 00:19:04,508 There's been a lengthy period of speculation 346 00:19:04,598 --> 00:19:06,798 over this Government's intentions 347 00:19:06,798 --> 00:19:09,392 concerning the thorny issue of House of Lords reform 348 00:19:09,478 --> 00:19:12,437 and... and... and... and now we know. Kirsty. 349 00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:16,527 Well, with me is Colin Priestley, the Number Ten press secretary. 350 00:19:16,618 --> 00:19:19,618 If the Lords are so hugely popular 351 00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:22,212 as we've been led to believe, then why change anything? 352 00:19:22,298 --> 00:19:27,898 Well, like the rest of the nation, I applaud the House of Lords 353 00:19:27,898 --> 00:19:31,015 for proclaiming their belief in democracy so vociferously. 354 00:19:31,098 --> 00:19:36,252 And the Government is happy to have the Lords on board, as it were, so to speak. 355 00:19:36,338 --> 00:19:38,852 Isn't the truth of the matter that this pilot 356 00:19:38,938 --> 00:19:42,408 is just another piece of spin from a Government obsessed with gimmicks? 357 00:19:42,498 --> 00:19:47,447 Well, every time this Government has attempted something truly radical 358 00:19:47,538 --> 00:19:49,608 we get the same old cynicism from the BBC. 359 00:19:49,698 --> 00:19:54,010 We devolved power to Scotland and the critics sneered. 360 00:19:54,098 --> 00:19:56,248 We even gave power to the bloody Welsh... 361 00:19:56,338 --> 00:20:00,218 To the... admirably bloody-minded Welsh people, whom frankly I love, 362 00:20:00,218 --> 00:20:02,095 and again the critics sneered. 363 00:20:02,178 --> 00:20:06,137 So, you know, when will the BBC give us some credit? 364 00:20:06,218 --> 00:20:10,848 This is a genuinely radical experiment in democracy. 365 00:20:10,938 --> 00:20:15,409 OK, then, so what route will this magic bus take for a radical experiment? 366 00:20:15,498 --> 00:20:19,776 Well, we thought we'd actually start in Birmingham, 367 00:20:19,858 --> 00:20:25,296 the heart of the nation, the epicentre if you like, and then fan out from there. 368 00:20:25,378 --> 00:20:29,371 We anticipate that this campaign will be a resounding success. 369 00:20:30,978 --> 00:20:32,978 Well, congratulations, Charles! 370 00:20:32,978 --> 00:20:38,177 The Democrabus sails triumphantly off into the sunset, crammed with irate peers 371 00:20:38,258 --> 00:20:41,807 and Colin Priestley standing in the prow, Lord of all he surveys. 372 00:20:41,898 --> 00:20:44,178 Well, our mission is a trifle more complicated than once it was, 373 00:20:44,178 --> 00:20:45,531 I grant you. 374 00:20:45,618 --> 00:20:48,655 But that needn't hurl us all into a slough of despond. 375 00:20:48,738 --> 00:20:52,731 Well, how are we going to save my peers and crucify Priestley now? 376 00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:55,538 The buses could have a breakdown on the M1. 377 00:20:55,538 --> 00:20:57,298 Stop the caravan before it gets going. 378 00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:59,178 Or make sure that no-one turns up in Birmingham. 379 00:20:59,178 --> 00:21:03,217 Cancelled due to lack of interest. CHARLES: Or... 380 00:21:03,298 --> 00:21:08,578 we make sure the Democrabus is an unqualified success. 381 00:21:08,578 --> 00:21:10,011 Do you want me assassinated? 382 00:21:10,098 --> 00:21:13,295 What is the point of the Democrabus? Its avowed point? 383 00:21:13,378 --> 00:21:16,698 It's an exercise in democracy. Precisely. 384 00:21:16,698 --> 00:21:22,011 And true democracy is an untameable beast, wild and uncontrollable. 385 00:21:22,098 --> 00:21:27,491 So what we need is for the Democrabus to be a real exercise in democracy 386 00:21:27,578 --> 00:21:33,494 with genuine ordinary people kicking up a hell of a stink about every damn thing. 387 00:21:33,578 --> 00:21:36,775 My God, the PM would hate it. 388 00:21:40,298 --> 00:21:42,129 It's a pretty broad trawl, 389 00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:45,654 but we've tried to pinpoint the key issues for the punters to pick up on - 390 00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:48,935 top-up fees, waiting lists, trust hospitals and, of course, Iraq. 391 00:21:49,018 --> 00:21:51,138 Of course. 392 00:21:51,138 --> 00:21:53,178 The emphasis is on direct personal experience 393 00:21:53,178 --> 00:21:55,373 coupled with a coruscating fury at the Government. 394 00:21:55,458 --> 00:21:58,450 Well, let's light the blue touch paper, shall we? 395 00:21:58,538 --> 00:22:01,018 Let me tell you straight away, Mr. Prentiss... 396 00:22:01,018 --> 00:22:02,815 Please, call me Charles. 397 00:22:02,898 --> 00:22:05,058 No soft-soap stuff will cut any ice with me. 398 00:22:05,058 --> 00:22:07,618 Straight in with the mixed metaphors, splendid. 399 00:22:07,698 --> 00:22:09,098 I'm a plain man from Birmingham. 400 00:22:09,098 --> 00:22:11,293 Patently. And I've had enough. 401 00:22:11,378 --> 00:22:12,618 Good. 402 00:22:12,618 --> 00:22:16,008 Good. Enough of what exactly? 403 00:22:16,098 --> 00:22:18,976 Harry's been broken into 150 times. 404 00:22:19,058 --> 00:22:21,253 I demand to know what's going to be done about it! 405 00:22:21,338 --> 00:22:25,251 Excellent. Well, thank you for coming in and being so time-consuming. 406 00:22:25,338 --> 00:22:28,330 My husband waited for a hospital bed over 11 months. 407 00:22:29,418 --> 00:22:31,374 Didn't we have a 15-monther earlier? 408 00:22:31,458 --> 00:22:32,971 Um... 409 00:22:34,738 --> 00:22:38,651 Mrs Lee. Then we go with Mrs Lee... Goodbye. 410 00:22:38,738 --> 00:22:41,818 Your son served in Iraq? Yes. 411 00:22:41,818 --> 00:22:45,018 This is the kind of story that tugs the heartstrings 412 00:22:45,018 --> 00:22:47,293 and makes one ashamed to be British. 413 00:22:47,378 --> 00:22:48,777 How did you lose him? 414 00:22:48,858 --> 00:22:50,928 He's not lost, he's at home. 415 00:22:51,018 --> 00:22:53,378 He feigned his death and returned home? 416 00:22:53,378 --> 00:22:54,811 He didn't feign anything. 417 00:22:54,898 --> 00:22:58,418 He came home five months ago, honourable discharge, 418 00:22:58,418 --> 00:23:00,568 but he's been having terrible headaches. 419 00:23:00,658 --> 00:23:03,092 He's not dead? No. 420 00:23:03,178 --> 00:23:05,817 Well, then you're wasting our time. Goodbye. 421 00:23:06,898 --> 00:23:09,412 My word, isn't democracy terrifying? 422 00:23:23,098 --> 00:23:26,408 Good evening. The Government was thrown into confusion tonight 423 00:23:26,498 --> 00:23:29,296 after the latest outing of the reformed Second Chamber, 424 00:23:29,378 --> 00:23:33,257 the Democrabus, attracted nearly triple the expected crowds. 425 00:23:33,338 --> 00:23:37,536 In Exeter, Liverpool and Norwich, buses had to be closed for safety reasons. 426 00:23:37,618 --> 00:23:41,770 And in Middlesbrough a local MP was said to have faked a heart attack 427 00:23:41,858 --> 00:23:45,328 in order to remove himself from a heated debate on immigration. 428 00:23:45,418 --> 00:23:47,858 I'm joined now by Baroness Jane Statham, 429 00:23:47,858 --> 00:23:50,213 one of the Lords' most high-profile members, 430 00:23:50,298 --> 00:23:54,052 and by Colin Priestley, the architect of the Democrabus. 431 00:23:54,138 --> 00:23:56,858 Baroness Statham, you were there in Birmingham today. 432 00:23:56,858 --> 00:23:59,531 The public seemed to like this very much. 433 00:23:59,618 --> 00:24:01,336 It was really very exciting, Huw. 434 00:24:01,418 --> 00:24:05,696 There were several issues on the agenda, including Child Tax Credit, 435 00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:09,214 free trade agreements and GP out-of-hours services. 436 00:24:09,298 --> 00:24:12,973 You would be amazed how strongly people feel about these issues. 437 00:24:13,058 --> 00:24:17,017 The public's response certainly seems to have taken the Government by surprise. 438 00:24:17,098 --> 00:24:20,886 This was a magnificent demonstration of the democratic principles in action. 439 00:24:20,978 --> 00:24:23,572 This is about people having their say. 440 00:24:23,658 --> 00:24:25,778 So how do you respond to rumours 441 00:24:25,778 --> 00:24:28,053 that the Government's proposing maybe to cancel this? 442 00:24:28,138 --> 00:24:30,778 This was their idea in the first place, wasn't it? 443 00:24:30,778 --> 00:24:32,928 Mr Priestley, can I turn to you? 444 00:24:33,018 --> 00:24:35,737 There's a 90% approval rating for this scheme. 445 00:24:35,818 --> 00:24:37,809 Why are there plans to shelve it? 446 00:24:37,898 --> 00:24:39,938 Well, with all due respect, Huw, 447 00:24:39,938 --> 00:24:42,611 we haven't actually said we are going to shelve it. 448 00:24:42,698 --> 00:24:45,418 The Democrabus is an interesting experiment 449 00:24:45,418 --> 00:24:48,057 that we feel needs further examination. 450 00:24:48,138 --> 00:24:51,494 So we've set up an enquiry to be headed by Lord Hutton 451 00:24:51,578 --> 00:24:54,376 and once the results of that are through, 452 00:24:54,458 --> 00:24:57,097 which could be as soon as August 2006, 453 00:24:57,178 --> 00:25:00,938 then we feel we'll be in a better position 454 00:25:00,938 --> 00:25:04,613 to reconsider the wider implications of such a project. 455 00:25:04,698 --> 00:25:06,609 So you ARE scrapping it? 456 00:25:11,698 --> 00:25:15,850 I'm being held personally responsible for this fiasco. 457 00:25:15,938 --> 00:25:17,894 But you are responsible. 458 00:25:17,978 --> 00:25:21,732 This was your idea, Charles. Only unofficially, remember? 459 00:25:21,818 --> 00:25:25,288 You assured me that it had been planned down to the last detail. 460 00:25:25,378 --> 00:25:27,733 Oh, but, Colin, it was. 461 00:25:29,338 --> 00:25:30,851 I saw the PM this morning. 462 00:25:30,938 --> 00:25:33,816 He claimed to have had his doubts from the start. 463 00:25:33,898 --> 00:25:35,889 Well, that's his prerogative. 464 00:25:35,978 --> 00:25:39,288 He also said that he was firing me, 465 00:25:39,378 --> 00:25:43,087 but in a compassionate, modern way. 466 00:25:43,178 --> 00:25:47,330 Well, he could hardly appoint you to the House of Lords, could he? 467 00:25:48,938 --> 00:25:54,456 But the good news is that I'm now in a position to offer my considerable services 468 00:25:54,538 --> 00:25:59,407 to any top-notch PR agency who'd care to snap me up. 469 00:26:01,578 --> 00:26:03,216 (CAR ALARM BLARES) 470 00:26:03,298 --> 00:26:06,290 Oh, I think someone's breaking into your car. 471 00:26:11,098 --> 00:26:13,407 The little shits. 472 00:26:16,138 --> 00:26:19,738 Well, one good thing's come out of this, Marty, 473 00:26:19,738 --> 00:26:23,287 apart from Baroness Statham's exclusive leather range. 474 00:26:23,378 --> 00:26:26,178 I think I can promise you a lot more work for Prentiss McCabe. 475 00:26:26,178 --> 00:26:27,736 Excellent. 476 00:26:27,818 --> 00:26:31,652 Just a shame about your application to join this place. 477 00:26:31,738 --> 00:26:33,968 Why? Why is it a shame? 478 00:26:37,378 --> 00:26:41,257 "I can fully endorse Martin McCabe for a position as a legislator. 479 00:26:41,338 --> 00:26:45,217 "He is brilliant, a person of principle and an advocate of truth above all else. 480 00:26:45,298 --> 00:26:48,338 "The one flaw, and a minor flaw it is, 481 00:26:48,338 --> 00:26:51,694 "is that there may be something fundamentally unsound about him." 482 00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:55,088 What? What is there fundamentally unsound about me? 483 00:26:55,178 --> 00:26:58,534 I did say you were brilliant. And fundamentally unsound. 484 00:26:58,618 --> 00:27:02,611 May be. I said that you "may be" fundamentally unsound. 485 00:27:02,698 --> 00:27:05,212 I was aiming for the rounded view. 486 00:27:05,298 --> 00:27:08,335 "I also hesitate to mention his drinking". 487 00:27:08,418 --> 00:27:10,215 Well, I did hesitate. 488 00:27:10,298 --> 00:27:13,370 And then I mentioned it. I told you not to put me down as a referee. 489 00:27:13,458 --> 00:27:17,133 But I thought that was because we were working partners. 490 00:27:17,218 --> 00:27:21,211 Martin, my dear chap, I simply couldn't afford to lose you. 491 00:27:22,858 --> 00:27:25,053 You can understand that, can't you? 492 00:27:25,138 --> 00:27:27,094 I shall not forget this. 493 00:27:27,178 --> 00:27:29,533 Oh, in a week's time you'll be thanking me. 494 00:27:29,618 --> 00:27:31,688 Now, chop-chop, we've got work to do. 495 00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:38,135 We've got that Donatella Versace cowhide handbag range to launch. 496 00:27:38,218 --> 00:27:40,891 Avoiding obvious comparisons. 497 00:27:40,978 --> 00:27:44,493 And we have to put a stop to those Martin Clunes Toby jugs. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net