1 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:23,760 (TECHNO DANCE MUSIC ON RADIO) 2 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,400 Oh! 3 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,240 (SWITCHES MUSIC OFF) 4 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:33,680 SAFFY: Thank you! 5 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:35,920 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 6 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,320 (GROANS) 7 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,400 (GASPS) 8 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:48,920 Panic attack! Panic attack! Panic attack! 9 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:50,400 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 10 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,960 SAFFY: It's 9:30. Your car's been waiting outside for an hour. 11 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,400 (FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) 12 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,240 Oh, God! 13 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,480 (HUMMING) 14 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,320 Health, health, health, darling! 15 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:43,920 (COUGHS) 16 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,440 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 17 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,160 -Washing machine. -That's right. Absolutely right, sweetie. 18 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,560 Feeling great I expect, this morning, are you? 19 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,520 Fabulous, darling. 20 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,560 Patsy can put it away, can't she, sweetie? 21 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:06,840 Oh, God. 22 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,920 Stop looking at me like that, sweetie. 23 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,240 What do I have to do to convince you I've given up drinking? 24 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,120 I had one bloody drink, sweetie! 25 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,240 Are you accusing me of something? 26 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:30,120 Have you looked in the mirror this morning? Your eye bags are ruched. 27 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,240 -What are you eating there? What are you eating? -Toast. 28 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,440 -What is that on that toast? -It's honey, Mother. 29 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,640 Honey, darling, that's not honey! 30 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,240 That's my bloody royal jelly moisturiser, sweetie! 31 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:50,880 Oh, God! You're eating £300 worth of royal jelly, darling! 32 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,120 It's been hand-squished out of a bee's backside. 33 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,840 And not any old bloody bee, but the bloody Gucci of bees, darling. 34 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:03,720 This is the stuff, sweetie... Jackie Stallone would kill for this, darling. 35 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,000 That's better. 36 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,480 Make me a cup of coffee, darling. 37 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:11,840 You know where it is. Make it yourself. 38 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,680 -I don't know where it bloody is, do I? -Please don't swear. 39 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,480 Sweetie, make Mum a cup of coffee. 40 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,160 You're so clever and you know where everything is, darling, don't you? 41 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,880 I think it's marvellous the way you know where things are, darling. 42 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,000 -You're marvellous. -Flattery won't turn me into your servant. 43 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,120 The coffee is on the table in front of you, 44 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,040 pick up a spoon, put coffee in cup, pour on boiling water. 45 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:40,240 Yes, yes, scald hand, get third-degree burns, screaming in agony. 46 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,320 Do you want that on your conscience this morning, darling? 47 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,320 -All right. -Thank you, sweetheart. 48 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,280 No, not instant, darling. Not instant. 49 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,560 Grind some beans, for God's sake. 50 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:56,080 Instant coffee is just old beans that have been cremated. 51 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:57,400 I don't want them. 52 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,400 I want them entire with life-force today. 53 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,200 Ah! 54 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,280 Could you not pull that face while you grind? 55 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,320 I don't really want to drink a cup full of your anger. 56 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,000 I shouldn't be drinking coffee. 57 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,520 I shouldn't be bloody drinking coffee! 58 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,120 I don't want any coffee, darling. 59 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,800 Throw all that coffee away! I don't want any bloody coffee! 60 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:22,080 (SIGHS DISGUSTEDLY) 61 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,640 I just wanted some fennel twig tea or something. 62 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,680 (GASPS) Look at the time, sweetie. 63 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,360 I should be in the office! 64 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,000 Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie! 65 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,000 Tell them my car hasn't arrived, there's traffic door to door 66 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,520 and I'm not well. I'm not well. 67 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,080 -Hello? My mother's sitting here in her dressing gown... -(SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY) 68 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,880 It's me, darling. I know, dressing gown... 69 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,720 She knows nothing about fashion. Anyway... 70 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,840 Listen, sweetie. 71 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,880 I'm literally out the door when my bloody car turns up, all right? 72 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,160 And I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end, all right? 73 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,160 I know you can manage that end, Bubble darling, all right? 74 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,960 I'm chanting as we speak. Bye-bye, darling. 75 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,120 You're not a Buddhist, darling. 76 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,600 You wouldn't understand about that. 77 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,520 Mum, you did it for a week. 78 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,800 Which admittedly for you, is a record. 79 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,880 It's not a fad, darling. It's not like crystals. 80 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,280 (CHANTING GIBBERISH) 81 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,800 (CHANTING) 82 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,520 Please stop it! 83 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,280 Sweetie, 84 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:46,000 you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owed to my chanting, darling. 85 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:48,720 A lot of things in this house... 86 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:50,280 This house wouldn't be here, darling! 87 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,120 I chanted for this gorgeous house! 88 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,440 I chanted to be successful and believe in myself. 89 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,600 Please let me make some more money so I can buy Saffron some books and a car. 90 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,240 Ding, ding, ding! 91 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,520 Please, in Buddhist obviously, darling, not in English when I do it properly. 92 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,240 What is it, some sort of cosmic cash machine? 93 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,840 Oh, God! Ugh! 94 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,720 Could you try not being so cynical today? 95 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,720 You know, today I need just a little bit of bloody support. 96 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,080 Well, why is today such a panic anyway? 97 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,040 It's only a fashion show and you've had six months to prepare it. 98 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,640 -(MUTTERS) Have I? -I mean, why is everything always so hysterical? 99 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:32,440 I mean, all you've got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights, 100 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,440 get some people who've thrown up everything they've ever eaten, 101 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,400 and send them down a catwalk! 102 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,400 Greater feats have been achieved in less time and with less fuss. 103 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,400 Not quite with it, darling, are you? 104 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,480 -Hmm? -Major motion pictures are made, 105 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,840 huge concerts are put on in stadiums. 106 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,160 I mean, for God's sake, 107 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,800 500,000 troops were mobilised in the Gulf 108 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,480 and a war fought and won in less time 109 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,520 and without everyone involved having a nervous breakdown and being sent flowers! 110 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:57,040 It cannot be that difficult! 111 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,600 Oh, oh! 112 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,800 Darling, every troop didn't have to contain Yasmin Le Bon, 113 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,840 the generals didn't require big hugs after every manoeuvre, 114 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,120 and the whole operation did not have to be coordinated 115 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,440 to rap and Japanese avant-garde pipe music! 116 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:13,960 Because, you know, darling, 117 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:17,600 I think if it had, the outcome might have been rather different, don't you? 118 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,560 Hmm? 119 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,760 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and get dressed. 120 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,640 I forgot to ring Chukhani. He was going to channel a colour for me today. 121 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:32,880 (SIGHS) 122 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,360 Chukhani, it's Edina. Green. Thank you, darling. 123 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,040 Don't look at me like that. There is more to it, you know. 124 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,440 -Of course there is, the bill. -Sweetie. Sweetie. 125 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,800 He doesn't just choose the colour... 126 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,560 Listen, because you might learn something now. 127 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,840 He doesn't just choose the colour himself, darling. 128 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,800 It is related to who I was in a previous existence. Mmm-hmm. 129 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,800 And who was it you were in a previous life, then? 130 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,560 I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming dynasty? 131 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,400 Well, close, yes. 132 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,360 -So how come you've ended up just a mad, fat, old cow? -(ANGRILY) Oh! 133 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:15,720 Ugh! 134 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,440 Will you stop saying that word "fat"? 135 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:22,800 Stop it now! Stop it! 136 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,240 I know you're only saying it to annoy me. 137 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,720 -Aren't you, darling? -No, I'm saying it because it's true. 138 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:40,160 Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! 139 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,440 -What happened then? -Well... 140 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,760 Why do you have to pick on everything I do? 141 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,840 Darling, all I want is a few little things, a few little pleasures, 142 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,720 a few little crutches to help me get through life, darling. 143 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:55,680 Get through? Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility. 144 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,080 You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis. 145 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,240 Someone does your hair, someone chooses what you wear, someone does your brain, 146 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:03,520 someone tells you what to eat, 147 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,960 and three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you. 148 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,520 It's called colonic irrigation, darling. It's not to be sniffed at. 149 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,720 Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people? 150 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,040 Is that what you really want me to be, darling? Normal? 151 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:27,440 Some boring, old, normal, old, toilet goer, hmm? 152 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,520 "Where's Mummy?" "She's on the toilet!" 153 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,000 "But I want to go somewhere interesting and meet exciting people." 154 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,200 "Well, she can't take you while she's on the bloody toilet." 155 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,400 Well, anybody can go to the toilet, darling, they say. 156 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,360 Well, they obviously haven't seen you drunk. 157 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,080 What do mean by that remark? 158 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:50,200 Can I just say thank you, bloody thank you, so stop doing that now. 159 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,400 Very thank you so bloody much for giving me such a lot of support 160 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,080 on this bloody important day. 161 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,640 Darling, a lot of daughters might have offered to come with me and help, 162 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,120 but, no, no, no, not you. 163 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,560 You've probably got something rather interesting to listen to on Radio 4, have you? 164 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,920 Or some new exhibit of test tubes at the Science Museum to go and see. 165 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,400 It doesn't matter. I shall just go on my own. 166 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,520 There's a little party afterwards, you know, darling. 167 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,200 Probably just go on my own to that as well, shall I? Hmm. 168 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,960 -No. -Oh, come on, darling. 169 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,800 -It's your drama, you act in it. -Sweetheart. 170 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,480 I won't be your accessory. 171 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,200 "What shall I wear, the daughter or the Dior?" 172 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,880 "Oh, look at Edina, isn't she marvellous? 173 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,360 "And she's got a family. I don't know how she does it. How clever!" 174 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,480 Time of the month, darling? 175 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:46,600 -No. -Mmm. 176 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,920 Just thought you looked as if you're retaining a little water down here, that's all. 177 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,320 Darling, if you want to lose weight, sweetie, I've got some marvellous pills upstairs. 178 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,600 You just pee it out overnight, hmm? 179 00:10:58,720 --> 00:10:59,720 All right. 180 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,840 Not seeing your father tonight, are you, darling? 181 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,120 -No. -Good. 182 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,960 Go and get dressed. 183 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:15,720 Darling. Darling, look at Mummy. Look at Mummy, sweetie. 184 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,920 Do I need surgery, darling? 185 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,760 -Yes. -Oh. 186 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,280 (WHISPERING) All right. 187 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,880 Get your mouth sewn up. 188 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,640 I'm still here, darling. I heard that. 189 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,320 Yes, well, I pay you to interpret my dreams, 190 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,320 so can't you at least find a hidden depth? 191 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,040 I'm not willing to believe I'm simply that obvious! 192 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:48,160 If you're a bloody psychic psychologist, how come I'm always having to call you? 193 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,040 Oh, just stuff it. 194 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,200 Saffy, darling, I'm off, 195 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,680 but I won't see you later because you don't love me enough, darling. 196 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,920 Lacroix, sweetie. 197 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,000 It's all right, isn't it? It's a bit tight maybe. It's all right, isn't it? 198 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,240 You know, people will think, "Wow, it's a Lacroix." 199 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,360 Okay? Just can't find anything to go with it, that's all. 200 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,000 Maybe I could throw up on something for you. 201 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,440 -Oh, I see someone already has. -Jean Muir! 202 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,680 (DOORBELL RINGS) 203 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:25,240 Bloody door. It'll be my car. Sweetie, it will be my car. 204 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:27,400 -Darling! -Pats, darling. 205 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,040 Sweetie, your car's here. 206 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:30,840 I thought I might scrounge a coffee. 207 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,360 No. Well, darling, I can't. I'm in a dreadful rush, sweetie. I can't. 208 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,840 -But Saff is here, though, all right? -What are you wearing, Eddy? 209 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:39,400 Lacroix. 210 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,040 -It's fabulous. -Good, thank you. 211 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,080 -Now... -Maybe Patsy could go with you, Mother. 212 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,160 Yes, Pats, why don't you come with me in the car? 213 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,440 All right? We'll talk in the car. All right, darling? 214 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,160 Bye-bye, sweetie darling! 215 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,760 Bye-bye. Have a little haircut. Have a little bob. 216 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,520 -Don't be... -What, darling? 217 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,360 -Don't be late. -All right, sweetie. 218 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,120 Or drunk. 219 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,000 Darling, stop me drinking today, 220 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,720 because Saff has threatened to leave home again. 221 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,480 Darling, you don't drink. 222 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,680 I know I'm not a drinker, but you know what she's like, I mean... 223 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,080 -A pig. -Oh, she's... 224 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,200 God, I must ring in and tell them I'm coming. 225 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,600 -What will you drink if you stop drinking? -I shall drink water. 226 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,480 It's a mixer, Patsy. We have it with whisky. 227 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,720 You know what it's like. I mean, you've given up drinking before. 228 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,280 Worst eight hours of my life. 229 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,840 Right, it's me. I'm on my way in. 230 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,640 Everything's completely under control this end. How is it with you? 231 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:40,600 Lights? Models? Guest list? 232 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,920 Just do your best, darling. I'm rushing. Bye. 233 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,240 -Are you going straight to the office? -Yes. 234 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,520 -Past Harvey Nichs? -No, Pats. 235 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,160 Could we? 236 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,200 Well, it is nearly lunchtime. 237 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,080 -10:30, Pats. -Hmm? 238 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,640 Well, no, we can do Harvey Nichols quickly. 239 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,960 Then we'll pick up some lunch and just take it into the office. 240 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,760 -I think it would look better. -Whatever. 241 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,600 But, darling, remember, it's your company, you're the boss. 242 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,960 You can do what you want. Don't let them pressure you. 243 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,920 (SIGHS) I'll just ring them and tell them so. 244 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,080 -You'll kill yourself, the way you go on. -Yes, well, I'm late. 245 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,800 Darling, you will come to the show tonight, won't you? 246 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,760 Saffy's refused, you know. And I need just a little bit of support. 247 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,800 Of course you do, and of course I will. 248 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,400 Deserted by son and daughter. 249 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,280 Where is Serge? 250 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:40,640 Where is Serge? 251 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:43,600 Potholing with his university. I don't want to talk about it. 252 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,320 You know, I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is 253 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,560 if they're not gonna turn up to your launches. 254 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,360 Did you tell him how important it was for you, darling? 255 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,480 Did I tell him? I faxed the bloody dean, 256 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,960 the bollocky halls of residence 257 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,760 and the buggery mountain rescue. I mean, what more can I do? 258 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,880 -Nothing. And you shouldn't have to. -Ugh. 259 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,200 I mean, look at you. You've been a fantastic mother. 260 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,360 You've let them ruin your figure. 261 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,080 Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition. 262 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,640 You got tits down to your knees and what for, for God's sake! 263 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,520 For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple nylon tracksuit 264 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,920 and a Gazza T-shirt for the past two years. 265 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,800 Cut the cord, darling. 266 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,080 -Left here if we're going to Harvey Nichs. -Left. 267 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:29,080 PATSY: We'll go to Sanford's for lunch and then we're going shopping. 268 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,080 Eddy, can I borrow your phone? 269 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,240 All right, thanks. I'm glad you're with me, Pats. 270 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,280 You know, otherwise I wouldn't use that car. 271 00:15:56,400 --> 00:16:00,080 I wouldn't use that huge car pouring out petrol fumes and pollution like that. 272 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,120 But you know there are three people in that car! 273 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,280 -Three people in that car! -Oh, shut up, Eddy. 274 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,040 No one can hear you. 275 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:10,920 Darling, it's me. I'm coming into the office now. I'm coming through the door. 276 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,080 All right! I'm here, darling. 277 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,560 Don't panic. Don't panic. I'm here. 278 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,800 All right, Bubble, let's get things moving, sweetie, darling, 279 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,280 -I'm sorry I'm so late. -I think everything's just about done. 280 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,960 I told you things would manage without you, darling. 281 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,480 Yes. Now... 282 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,040 Bubble, did all the models turn up? 283 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,960 -Yeah. Every single one. Except one. -Good. Good. Thank God. 284 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:38,600 Except one. 285 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,360 You're not gonna tell me it's Yasmin Le Bon, darling? 286 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:42,600 -No. -Thank God. 287 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:46,240 Oh, no, sorry, yeah. Yasmin Le Bon's ill. 288 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:53,000 Oh, my buggery bollocks. Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me earlier? 289 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:57,880 Her husband just phoned and said, "Simon Le Bon", which I thought was really amusing. 290 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:00,840 Amusing, darling? 291 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,880 -Yeah. Very modern of him to have taken his wife's name. -Oh. 292 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,480 Oh, Bubble, sweetie... 293 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,920 -I phoned round and I think I found a replacement. -Good. 294 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,520 -Who? Who? -Betty Boo. 295 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:12,880 Shit. 296 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,840 Some of the designers aren't happy but I said you'd speak to them. 297 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,160 -This is all your fault, Patsy. -It's all fixable. 298 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,800 Yes, you're right. Now, come on, come on. 299 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,080 How's the celebrity and VIP list looking? 300 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,800 -Good, I think. -Mmm-hmm. 301 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,360 -But you know me. I don't know anybody! -Come on. Come on, darling. 302 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,360 Just tell me about Joan Collins, Stefanie Powers, Paloma Picasso, 303 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:33,960 Charlotte Rampling, Catherine Deneuve. 304 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,320 Give me some names, darling! 305 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:36,720 -So far? -So far. 306 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,880 So far Sinitta and Anne Robinson, definite. 307 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,920 We're still chasing Anneka Rice. Gave up on Norma Major. 308 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,040 All right, just get me my phone book, now, would you, darling? 309 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,120 Get me my phone book. 310 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:50,560 -Princess Di has to have somebody... -Anne. 311 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:51,920 ...to sit next to. Get Princess Di. 312 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,200 -It's a major fashion event. -Anne. 313 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,000 Anne. Princess Anne. 314 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,480 As well as, is it, darling? 315 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,600 Instead of. Only. 316 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,280 Or possibly with daughter. 317 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,040 Why? Why? 318 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,880 Well, there was a bit of a mix-up. 319 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,920 And I didn't make the call. But she's very game 320 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,800 -and a really nice person. -Oh, I wouldn't care 321 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,800 if she was Mother bloody Teresa, darling! 322 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,760 It doesn't matter for our purposes! 323 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,720 What we need is a princess with a press following her 324 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:21,280 and a designer dress on her back! 325 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,760 Not someone who looks like she runs up her own. 326 00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:30,320 Well, her people were a bit cagey about which designer she favoured. 327 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,680 -The only label she wears is drip-dry. -Oh, come on. 328 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,840 Come on, come on, darling. 329 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,720 Let's take stock. Now, we've got three hours. 330 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,440 Darling, finish the Beaujolais and walk away from it now. 331 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:41,600 Shut up now, Patsy. 332 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,360 All right, I'm off. Are we eating? 333 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,800 Yes, sort of. Yes, French, Italian, whatever you like, sweetie. 334 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,280 Oh, darling, no one's eating that sort of food any more. 335 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,240 But there's a fabulous new Japanese in Mayfair. 336 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:55,120 -Everything is raw. Anything that has a pulse is lunch. -All right. 337 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,840 All right, darling. Whatever, whatever. 338 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,640 Oh, the magazine called for you, Patsy. 339 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,760 They need some decisions about this month's cover. 340 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,960 Oh, really. Whatever can they need to know? 341 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,640 I mean, it's the same every month. 342 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,800 -A model in makeup with a vacant look on her face. -Oh. 343 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,920 Well, I might drop in on the way home. See you later, Eddy. 344 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,920 -I'll leave the bottle. -No, don't leave the bottle, Patsy. 345 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,960 I need a clear head for the next three hours, please, darling. 346 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,560 -Oh, do you want some coke? -No, sweetie, no. 347 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,000 -Shh! Patsy! -Save it till later. 348 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,920 -All right, darling. Good luck! -Thank you, Patsy. (KISSING) 349 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,320 Have you got something I can pee into? 350 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:26,440 -I want to do another test before I go. -Oh, bloody hell, Patsy. 351 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,760 Wash it this time, will you? 352 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,480 Anyway. Darling, who was it you were with last night? 353 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,040 Oh, he was just a windscreen washer 354 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,880 -I picked up at the traffic lights. -Oh. 355 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,000 -Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls. -Bye, Patsy. 356 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,000 -Darling, bye, bye, bye. -Bye, bye, sweetheart. 357 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,880 -Bye. (KISSING) -Goodbye, sweetie. 358 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,320 -Darling, you are a fabulous wonderful individual. -Hmm? Oh, thank you. 359 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,840 -And remember, I've known you longer than your daughter. -Mmm. 360 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,120 -Anything you do is all right by me. -Yes, darling. 361 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:52,560 You know, you're my best friend, sweetheart. 362 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:53,680 -All right, sweetheart. -Sweetie. 363 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,280 -Can I take your car? -Sweetie. 364 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,920 Well, as long as it's back by 6:00, I'm all right. 365 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,920 Bye, Eddy. Thanks, darling. 366 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,200 Right. 367 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,000 Now, Bubble. 368 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:09,280 I want a list of every PR company, every record company in the country. 369 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,320 I want a copy of Who's Who and the latest edition of HELLO! magazine. 370 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,840 Let's get celebritied up! Come on! 371 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:19,360 Bubble, I want four huge video screens 372 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:20,760 down either side of the catwalk. 373 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,760 I want to flash up pictures of sad but beautiful children, 374 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,520 happy gay couples, slogans like "World Health", 375 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,800 "No Pollution", "Fashion Cares". All right, darling? 376 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,720 And print up thousands of new invitations 377 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,360 on green, totally recycled paper 378 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,960 and cab them round to everybody. Now! Now! 379 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,440 Now, darling! Now, sweetie! Now! 380 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,680 Okay, get on to Princess Anne's people. 381 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,280 Tell her that everybody there will be mentally ill. 382 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,360 Tell her we'll sponsor her to wear a designer dress, okay? 383 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,480 And make sure she realises it. If she doesn't, 384 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,400 those little children won't get anything. 385 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,120 Press release, free champagne reception. 386 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,480 Get on to Moet & Chandon, tell them it's for charity. 387 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,880 Get on to Joan Collins. Tell her it's free champagne. 388 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,080 (EXHALES) 389 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,080 Oh, listen. Look, darling. I don't want to wear this, sweetie. 390 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,240 I want to look completely happening and unbiased. I want to... No! 391 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,760 Sweetie, just get me something from every collection. All right, darling? 392 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:17,320 Come on. Come on. 393 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,640 Leave that, darling. Leave... 394 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,400 -(THUMPING DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) -On, on, on! 395 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,920 Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick! Come on! Come on! 396 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,440 Darling, they loved it. 397 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,800 -No, they hated me. They hated me! -No, they love, loved you. 398 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,440 Oh, oh. (KISSING) 399 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:36,440 -No, they loved you. -No, I hate them now! I hate them! 400 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:43,800 Pats, it's fabulous. Fabulous! 401 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,640 A truly major fashion event is happening out there, Pats. 402 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,720 -Oh, well done, darling. -Thanks, darling. 403 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,480 Everybody's there! Everybody. Big names, you know. 404 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:57,240 Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, Givenchy, Gaultier, darling. Names, names, names! 405 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,560 Every rich bitch from New York is in there. 406 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,880 Hockwenden, Ruckenstein, Vanderbilt, Rothschild, 407 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,320 Hoochenfukenburger, Dachshund, Rottweiler! 408 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,440 -A whole row of skeletons with Jackie O hairdos. -(EDINA SIGHS) 409 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:11,320 And Harper's, Tatler, 410 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,760 English Vogue, American Vogue, French Vogue, 411 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,280 bloody Aby-bloody-ssinian bloody Vogue. 412 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:20,360 Darling, Jeff Banks and Selina Scott couldn't even get a ticket, darling! 413 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:22,880 I'm going down in history, Pats. 414 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,880 As the woman that put Princess Anne in a Vivienne Westwood basque! 415 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,560 People weren't even looking at what was happening on the catwalk. 416 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:33,600 A good job, really, darling. I mean, Betty Boo and Dannii Minogue did their best. 417 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,800 -But frankly... -Cheers, everybody. 418 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,240 -Cheers, cheers, cheers. -Cheers. 419 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:42,880 Pats, darling. 420 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,000 Are we keeping these two? 421 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,120 No. I thought we'd get a couple of different ones at the party. 422 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:51,440 (MOUTHING) Oh, okay, okay. 423 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,240 If I squat down, I'll piss myself. 424 00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:12,640 (SINGING RHYTHMIC TUNE) 425 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,520 -Let's go away, Eddy. -No, sweetie. 426 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,960 When, darling, when? 427 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,120 Now. Let's go on holiday. 428 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,000 I can't, sweetie. 429 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:26,080 I promised Saff I'd get home tonight. 430 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,280 Don't start making me go on holiday, Pats! 431 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,160 -Darling, you need a holiday. -Oh. 432 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:32,600 How long has she been around for? 433 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:34,320 She's been around forever! 434 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,320 Sixteen, she is, Pat. 435 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,680 -Sixteen years you've had her! Sixteen years! -Yeah. 436 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,600 -Get rid of her! -Oh, I can't... 437 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,040 Montserrat, I want to go to Montserrat. 438 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:46,920 Look at me, Patsy. 439 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,600 You're looking at a huge success here tonight, you know. 440 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,400 -I know, darling. -Career and all this. 441 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,840 I've got fabulous kids who adore me! (SOBS) 442 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,400 (EDINA WAILS) 443 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,600 -Oh. -(SIGHS) I just moved myself there, Pats. I'm sorry. 444 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,280 Where was I, Patsy? What was I saying? 445 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:15,160 -You were going to tell me about their bastard fathers. -Bastard bloody fathers! 446 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,480 Gosh! I married the two biggest shits in the world, didn't I? Hmm? 447 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,960 You know, I don't know why it went wrong with Justin. 448 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:31,240 I mean, you know, 'cause we did just adored each other, you know. 449 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:32,880 He's gay. 450 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:37,320 No, Patsy. That wasn't the reason, was it? Hmm? 451 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,920 -Oh. Let's go on holiday! -Oh, stop it, stop it! No! 452 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,520 No, stop it. Now, look, look, look, look! 453 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,200 She mustn't know I've had a drink, darling. 454 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,600 She mustn't know I've had a drink. 455 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,080 -Oh, darling, you're only sake drunk. -Oh, sweetie, 456 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:51,880 -I can't let her know I've had a drink. -Come on, sweetie. 457 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,280 -Come on, sweetie. -She'll never know, will she, darling? 458 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,640 -She'll never know, will she? -She's not your bloody mother! 459 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:01,200 -Not my bloody mother! She's not my bloody mother! -She's not! 460 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,800 EDINA: Mother never knew, did she, Pats? Remember? 461 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:07,240 Oh, far out. 462 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,880 Oh, that's fantastic. 463 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,160 (ITCHYCOO PARK PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) 464 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:15,440 Oh, oh! 465 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,920 -Oh, isn't it cold? -Good night. 466 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,960 -Are you gonna come in? -No. 467 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:28,320 Ciao. 468 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,120 (CAR PULLING AWAY) 469 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:57,160 -Hello, Edwina dear. Good concert? -(EDINA GRUNTS) 470 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,840 Why don't you come in and tell us all about it? 471 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,200 Your father and I are still up. 472 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:13,040 Come on, dear. Your father would love to see you. 473 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,400 -(KEYS JANGLING) -Where am I? Hmm? 474 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,000 Here she is. 475 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,440 Where was the concert this time, dear? 476 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,040 Eel Pie Island again, was it? 477 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,600 And who was it? Anyone we should have heard of? 478 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:41,200 -The Beatles? The Stones? The Rolling Who? -Mama, no. 479 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,080 -You look a bit dizzy, dear. Are you okay? -Uh... 480 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:46,760 (SNIFFS) 481 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,880 Is that cider I can smell on your breath? 482 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,480 (TUTTING) 483 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,960 (TALKING INDISTINCTLY) 484 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,200 It's all right, darling. She's not here. 485 00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:07,560 She's not here, darling. Oh, God, the kid's here. 486 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,720 -All right, are we? All right, Eddy. -All right, sweetheart. Yeah. 487 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,000 All right, sweetheart. Go, Vinnie. 488 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:19,280 EDINA: Bye-bye, Vinnie darling. 489 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,760 Oh, sweetie... (MUMBLING) 490 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:46,120 Sweetie, darling. 491 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,880 Sweetie, darling, Mummy's here, sweetie! Mummy's... 492 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:51,040 (THUDDING) 493 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,840 Sweetie, darling, let me in! 494 00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:58,560 (ANGRILY) Sweetie, darling, let me in! 495 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,360 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) 496 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:38,000 Oh, hang on a moment. 497 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:39,880 Mum, it's the Betty Ford Clinic. 498 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:45,120 What do they want, sweetie? 499 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,400 They said they're confirming the booking for four weeks from next Monday. 500 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:57,280 Sweetie, I think it's the only way, don't you, darling? (SIGHS) 501 00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:00,320 I'm gonna swallow my pride and do it if that's all right by you. 502 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,280 You've been very good to me, you know. Thank you, darling. 503 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:06,240 -Well done. -(SIGHS) Thank you, sweetie. 504 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,200 (SIGHS) Thanks, Pats.