(TECHNO DANCE MUSIC ON RADIO)
Oh!
(SWITCHES MUSIC OFF)
SAFFY: Thank you!
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(GROANS)
(GASPS)
Panic attack! Panic attack! Panic attack!
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
SAFFY: It's 9:30. Your car's been waiting outside for an hour.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
Oh, God!
(HUMMING)
Health, health, health, darling!
(COUGHS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-Washing machine. -That's right. Absolutely right, sweetie.
Feeling great I expect, this morning, are you?
Fabulous, darling.
Patsy can put it away, can't she, sweetie?
Oh, God.
Stop looking at me like that, sweetie.
What do I have to do to convince you I've given up drinking?
I had one bloody drink, sweetie!
Are you accusing me of something?
Have you looked in the mirror this morning? Your eye bags are ruched.
-What are you eating there? What are you eating? -Toast.
-What is that on that toast? -It's honey, Mother.
Honey, darling, that's not honey!
That's my bloody royal jelly moisturiser, sweetie!
Oh, God! You're eating £300 worth of royal jelly, darling!
It's been hand-squished out of a bee's backside.
And not any old bloody bee, but the bloody Gucci of bees, darling.
This is the stuff, sweetie... Jackie Stallone would kill for this, darling.
That's better.
Make me a cup of coffee, darling.
You know where it is. Make it yourself.
-I don't know where it bloody is, do I? -Please don't swear.
Sweetie, make Mum a cup of coffee.
You're so clever and you know where everything is, darling, don't you?
I think it's marvellous the way you know where things are, darling.
-You're marvellous. -Flattery won't turn me into your servant.
The coffee is on the table in front of you,
pick up a spoon, put coffee in cup, pour on boiling water.
Yes, yes, scald hand, get third-degree burns, screaming in agony.
Do you want that on your conscience this morning, darling?
-All right. -Thank you, sweetheart.
No, not instant, darling. Not instant.
Grind some beans, for God's sake.
Instant coffee is just old beans that have been cremated.
I don't want them.
I want them entire with life-force today.
Ah!
Could you not pull that face while you grind?
I don't really want to drink a cup full of your anger.
I shouldn't be drinking coffee.
I shouldn't be bloody drinking coffee!
I don't want any coffee, darling.
Throw all that coffee away! I don't want any bloody coffee!
(SIGHS DISGUSTEDLY)
I just wanted some fennel twig tea or something.
(GASPS) Look at the time, sweetie.
I should be in the office!
Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie!
Tell them my car hasn't arrived, there's traffic door to door
and I'm not well. I'm not well.
-Hello? My mother's sitting here in her dressing gown... -(SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY)
It's me, darling. I know, dressing gown...
She knows nothing about fashion. Anyway...
Listen, sweetie.
I'm literally out the door when my bloody car turns up, all right?
And I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end, all right?
I know you can manage that end, Bubble darling, all right?
I'm chanting as we speak. Bye-bye, darling.
You're not a Buddhist, darling.
You wouldn't understand about that.
Mum, you did it for a week.
Which admittedly for you, is a record.
It's not a fad, darling. It's not like crystals.
(CHANTING GIBBERISH)
(CHANTING)
Please stop it!
Sweetie,
you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owed to my chanting, darling.
A lot of things in this house...
This house wouldn't be here, darling!
I chanted for this gorgeous house!
I chanted to be successful and believe in myself.
Please let me make some more money so I can buy Saffron some books and a car.
Ding, ding, ding!
Please, in Buddhist obviously, darling, not in English when I do it properly.
What is it, some sort of cosmic cash machine?
Oh, God! Ugh!
Could you try not being so cynical today?
You know, today I need just a little bit of bloody support.
Well, why is today such a panic anyway?
It's only a fashion show and you've had six months to prepare it.
-(MUTTERS) Have I? -I mean, why is everything always so hysterical?
I mean, all you've got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights,
get some people who've thrown up everything they've ever eaten,
and send them down a catwalk!
Greater feats have been achieved in less time and with less fuss.
Not quite with it, darling, are you?
-Hmm? -Major motion pictures are made,
huge concerts are put on in stadiums.
I mean, for God's sake,
500,000 troops were mobilised in the Gulf
and a war fought and won in less time
and without everyone involved having a nervous breakdown and being sent flowers!
It cannot be that difficult!
Oh, oh!
Darling, every troop didn't have to contain Yasmin Le Bon,
the generals didn't require big hugs after every manoeuvre,
and the whole operation did not have to be coordinated
to rap and Japanese avant-garde pipe music!
Because, you know, darling,
I think if it had, the outcome might have been rather different, don't you?
Hmm?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and get dressed.
I forgot to ring Chukhani. He was going to channel a colour for me today.
(SIGHS)
Chukhani, it's Edina. Green. Thank you, darling.
Don't look at me like that. There is more to it, you know.
-Of course there is, the bill. -Sweetie. Sweetie.
He doesn't just choose the colour...
Listen, because you might learn something now.
He doesn't just choose the colour himself, darling.
It is related to who I was in a previous existence. Mmm-hmm.
And who was it you were in a previous life, then?
I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming dynasty?
Well, close, yes.
-So how come you've ended up just a mad, fat, old cow? -(ANGRILY) Oh!
Ugh!
Will you stop saying that word "fat"?
Stop it now! Stop it!
I know you're only saying it to annoy me.
-Aren't you, darling? -No, I'm saying it because it's true.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
-What happened then? -Well...
Why do you have to pick on everything I do?
Darling, all I want is a few little things, a few little pleasures,
a few little crutches to help me get through life, darling.
Get through? Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility.
You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis.
Someone does your hair, someone chooses what you wear, someone does your brain,
someone tells you what to eat,
and three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you.
It's called colonic irrigation, darling. It's not to be sniffed at.
Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people?
Is that what you really want me to be, darling? Normal?
Some boring, old, normal, old, toilet goer, hmm?
"Where's Mummy?" "She's on the toilet!"
"But I want to go somewhere interesting and meet exciting people."
"Well, she can't take you while she's on the bloody toilet."
Well, anybody can go to the toilet, darling, they say.
Well, they obviously haven't seen you drunk.
What do mean by that remark?
Can I just say thank you, bloody thank you, so stop doing that now.
Very thank you so bloody much for giving me such a lot of support
on this bloody important day.
Darling, a lot of daughters might have offered to come with me and help,
but, no, no, no, not you.
You've probably got something rather interesting to listen to on Radio 4, have you?
Or some new exhibit of test tubes at the Science Museum to go and see.
It doesn't matter. I shall just go on my own.
There's a little party afterwards, you know, darling.
Probably just go on my own to that as well, shall I? Hmm.
-No. -Oh, come on, darling.
-It's your drama, you act in it. -Sweetheart.
I won't be your accessory.
"What shall I wear, the daughter or the Dior?"
"Oh, look at Edina, isn't she marvellous?
"And she's got a family. I don't know how she does it. How clever!"
Time of the month, darling?
-No. -Mmm.
Just thought you looked as if you're retaining a little water down here, that's all.
Darling, if you want to lose weight, sweetie, I've got some marvellous pills upstairs.
You just pee it out overnight, hmm?
All right.
Not seeing your father tonight, are you, darling?
-No. -Good.
Go and get dressed.
Darling. Darling, look at Mummy. Look at Mummy, sweetie.
Do I need surgery, darling?
-Yes. -Oh.
(WHISPERING) All right.
Get your mouth sewn up.
I'm still here, darling. I heard that.
Yes, well, I pay you to interpret my dreams,
so can't you at least find a hidden depth?
I'm not willing to believe I'm simply that obvious!
If you're a bloody psychic psychologist, how come I'm always having to call you?
Oh, just stuff it.
Saffy, darling, I'm off,
but I won't see you later because you don't love me enough, darling.
Lacroix, sweetie.
It's all right, isn't it? It's a bit tight maybe. It's all right, isn't it?
You know, people will think, "Wow, it's a Lacroix."
Okay? Just can't find anything to go with it, that's all.
Maybe I could throw up on something for you.
-Oh, I see someone already has. -Jean Muir!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Bloody door. It'll be my car. Sweetie, it will be my car.
-Darling! -Pats, darling.
Sweetie, your car's here.
I thought I might scrounge a coffee.
No. Well, darling, I can't. I'm in a dreadful rush, sweetie. I can't.
-But Saff is here, though, all right? -What are you wearing, Eddy?
Lacroix.
-It's fabulous. -Good, thank you.
-Now... -Maybe Patsy could go with you, Mother.
Yes, Pats, why don't you come with me in the car?
All right? We'll talk in the car. All right, darling?
Bye-bye, sweetie darling!
Bye-bye. Have a little haircut. Have a little bob.
-Don't be... -What, darling?
-Don't be late. -All right, sweetie.
Or drunk.
Darling, stop me drinking today,
because Saff has threatened to leave home again.
Darling, you don't drink.
I know I'm not a drinker, but you know what she's like, I mean...
-A pig. -Oh, she's...
God, I must ring in and tell them I'm coming.
-What will you drink if you stop drinking? -I shall drink water.
It's a mixer, Patsy. We have it with whisky.
You know what it's like. I mean, you've given up drinking before.
Worst eight hours of my life.
Right, it's me. I'm on my way in.
Everything's completely under control this end. How is it with you?
Lights? Models? Guest list?
Just do your best, darling. I'm rushing. Bye.
-Are you going straight to the office? -Yes.
-Past Harvey Nichs? -No, Pats.
Could we?
Well, it is nearly lunchtime.
-10:30, Pats. -Hmm?
Well, no, we can do Harvey Nichols quickly.
Then we'll pick up some lunch and just take it into the office.
-I think it would look better. -Whatever.
But, darling, remember, it's your company, you're the boss.
You can do what you want. Don't let them pressure you.
(SIGHS) I'll just ring them and tell them so.
-You'll kill yourself, the way you go on. -Yes, well, I'm late.
Darling, you will come to the show tonight, won't you?
Saffy's refused, you know. And I need just a little bit of support.
Of course you do, and of course I will.
Deserted by son and daughter.
Where is Serge?
Potholing with his university. I don't want to talk about it.
You know, I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is
if they're not gonna turn up to your launches.
Did you tell him how important it was for you, darling?
Did I tell him? I faxed the bloody dean,
the bollocky halls of residence
and the buggery mountain rescue. I mean, what more can I do?
-Nothing. And you shouldn't have to. -Ugh.
I mean, look at you. You've been a fantastic mother.
You've let them ruin your figure.
Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition.
You got tits down to your knees and what for, for God's sake!
For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple nylon tracksuit
and a Gazza T-shirt for the past two years.
Cut the cord, darling.
-Left here if we're going to Harvey Nichs. -Left.
PATSY: We'll go to Sanford's for lunch and then we're going shopping.
Eddy, can I borrow your phone?
All right, thanks. I'm glad you're with me, Pats.
You know, otherwise I wouldn't use that car.
I wouldn't use that huge car pouring out petrol fumes and pollution like that.
But you know there are three people in that car!
-Three people in that car! -Oh, shut up, Eddy.
No one can hear you.
Darling, it's me. I'm coming into the office now. I'm coming through the door.
All right! I'm here, darling.
Don't panic. Don't panic. I'm here.
All right, Bubble, let's get things moving, sweetie, darling,
-I'm sorry I'm so late. -I think everything's just about done.
I told you things would manage without you, darling.
Yes. Now...
Bubble, did all the models turn up?
-Yeah. Every single one. Except one. -Good. Good. Thank God.
Except one.
You're not gonna tell me it's Yasmin Le Bon, darling?
-No. -Thank God.
Oh, no, sorry, yeah. Yasmin Le Bon's ill.
Oh, my buggery bollocks. Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me earlier?
Her husband just phoned and said, "Simon Le Bon", which I thought was really amusing.
Amusing, darling?
-Yeah. Very modern of him to have taken his wife's name. -Oh.
Oh, Bubble, sweetie...
-I phoned round and I think I found a replacement. -Good.
-Who? Who? -Betty Boo.
Shit.
Some of the designers aren't happy but I said you'd speak to them.
-This is all your fault, Patsy. -It's all fixable.
Yes, you're right. Now, come on, come on.
How's the celebrity and VIP list looking?
-Good, I think. -Mmm-hmm.
-But you know me. I don't know anybody! -Come on. Come on, darling.
Just tell me about Joan Collins, Stefanie Powers, Paloma Picasso,
Charlotte Rampling, Catherine Deneuve.
Give me some names, darling!
-So far? -So far.
So far Sinitta and Anne Robinson, definite.
We're still chasing Anneka Rice. Gave up on Norma Major.
All right, just get me my phone book, now, would you, darling?
Get me my phone book.
-Princess Di has to have somebody... -Anne.
...to sit next to. Get Princess Di.
-It's a major fashion event. -Anne.
Anne. Princess Anne.
As well as, is it, darling?
Instead of. Only.
Or possibly with daughter.
Why? Why?
Well, there was a bit of a mix-up.
And I didn't make the call. But she's very game
-and a really nice person. -Oh, I wouldn't care
if she was Mother bloody Teresa, darling!
It doesn't matter for our purposes!
What we need is a princess with a press following her
and a designer dress on her back!
Not someone who looks like she runs up her own.
Well, her people were a bit cagey about which designer she favoured.
-The only label she wears is drip-dry. -Oh, come on.
Come on, come on, darling.
Let's take stock. Now, we've got three hours.
Darling, finish the Beaujolais and walk away from it now.
Shut up now, Patsy.
All right, I'm off. Are we eating?
Yes, sort of. Yes, French, Italian, whatever you like, sweetie.
Oh, darling, no one's eating that sort of food any more.
But there's a fabulous new Japanese in Mayfair.
-Everything is raw. Anything that has a pulse is lunch. -All right.
All right, darling. Whatever, whatever.
Oh, the magazine called for you, Patsy.
They need some decisions about this month's cover.
Oh, really. Whatever can they need to know?
I mean, it's the same every month.
-A model in makeup with a vacant look on her face. -Oh.
Well, I might drop in on the way home. See you later, Eddy.
-I'll leave the bottle. -No, don't leave the bottle, Patsy.
I need a clear head for the next three hours, please, darling.
-Oh, do you want some coke? -No, sweetie, no.
-Shh! Patsy! -Save it till later.
-All right, darling. Good luck! -Thank you, Patsy. (KISSING)
Have you got something I can pee into?
-I want to do another test before I go. -Oh, bloody hell, Patsy.
Wash it this time, will you?
Anyway. Darling, who was it you were with last night?
Oh, he was just a windscreen washer
-I picked up at the traffic lights. -Oh.
-Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls. -Bye, Patsy.
-Darling, bye, bye, bye. -Bye, bye, sweetheart.
-Bye. (KISSING) -Goodbye, sweetie.
-Darling, you are a fabulous wonderful individual. -Hmm? Oh, thank you.
-And remember, I've known you longer than your daughter. -Mmm.
-Anything you do is all right by me. -Yes, darling.
You know, you're my best friend, sweetheart.
-All right, sweetheart. -Sweetie.
-Can I take your car? -Sweetie.
Well, as long as it's back by 6:00, I'm all right.
Bye, Eddy. Thanks, darling.
Right.
Now, Bubble.
I want a list of every PR company, every record company in the country.
I want a copy of Who's Who and the latest edition of HELLO! magazine.
Let's get celebritied up! Come on!
Bubble, I want four huge video screens
down either side of the catwalk.
I want to flash up pictures of sad but beautiful children,
happy gay couples, slogans like "World Health",
"No Pollution", "Fashion Cares". All right, darling?
And print up thousands of new invitations
on green, totally recycled paper
and cab them round to everybody. Now! Now!
Now, darling! Now, sweetie! Now!
Okay, get on to Princess Anne's people.
Tell her that everybody there will be mentally ill.
Tell her we'll sponsor her to wear a designer dress, okay?
And make sure she realises it. If she doesn't,
those little children won't get anything.
Press release, free champagne reception.
Get on to Moet & Chandon, tell them it's for charity.
Get on to Joan Collins. Tell her it's free champagne.
(EXHALES)
Oh, listen. Look, darling. I don't want to wear this, sweetie.
I want to look completely happening and unbiased. I want to... No!
Sweetie, just get me something from every collection. All right, darling?
Come on. Come on.
Leave that, darling. Leave...
-(THUMPING DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) -On, on, on!
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick! Come on! Come on!
Darling, they loved it.
-No, they hated me. They hated me! -No, they love, loved you.
Oh, oh. (KISSING)
-No, they loved you. -No, I hate them now! I hate them!
Pats, it's fabulous. Fabulous!
A truly major fashion event is happening out there, Pats.
-Oh, well done, darling. -Thanks, darling.
Everybody's there! Everybody. Big names, you know.
Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, Givenchy, Gaultier, darling. Names, names, names!
Every rich bitch from New York is in there.
Hockwenden, Ruckenstein, Vanderbilt, Rothschild,
Hoochenfukenburger, Dachshund, Rottweiler!
-A whole row of skeletons with Jackie O hairdos. -(EDINA SIGHS)
And Harper's, Tatler,
English Vogue, American Vogue, French Vogue,
bloody Aby-bloody-ssinian bloody Vogue.
Darling, Jeff Banks and Selina Scott couldn't even get a ticket, darling!
I'm going down in history, Pats.
As the woman that put Princess Anne in a Vivienne Westwood basque!
People weren't even looking at what was happening on the catwalk.
A good job, really, darling. I mean, Betty Boo and Dannii Minogue did their best.
-But frankly... -Cheers, everybody.
-Cheers, cheers, cheers. -Cheers.
Pats, darling.
Are we keeping these two?
No. I thought we'd get a couple of different ones at the party.
(MOUTHING) Oh, okay, okay.
If I squat down, I'll piss myself.
(SINGING RHYTHMIC TUNE)
-Let's go away, Eddy. -No, sweetie.
When, darling, when?
Now. Let's go on holiday.
I can't, sweetie.
I promised Saff I'd get home tonight.
Don't start making me go on holiday, Pats!
-Darling, you need a holiday. -Oh.
How long has she been around for?
She's been around forever!
Sixteen, she is, Pat.
-Sixteen years you've had her! Sixteen years! -Yeah.
-Get rid of her! -Oh, I can't...
Montserrat, I want to go to Montserrat.
Look at me, Patsy.
You're looking at a huge success here tonight, you know.
-I know, darling. -Career and all this.
I've got fabulous kids who adore me! (SOBS)
(EDINA WAILS)
-Oh. -(SIGHS) I just moved myself there, Pats. I'm sorry.
Where was I, Patsy? What was I saying?
-You were going to tell me about their bastard fathers. -Bastard bloody fathers!
Gosh! I married the two biggest shits in the world, didn't I? Hmm?
You know, I don't know why it went wrong with Justin.
I mean, you know, 'cause we did just adored each other, you know.
He's gay.
No, Patsy. That wasn't the reason, was it? Hmm?
-Oh. Let's go on holiday! -Oh, stop it, stop it! No!
No, stop it. Now, look, look, look, look!
She mustn't know I've had a drink, darling.
She mustn't know I've had a drink.
-Oh, darling, you're only sake drunk. -Oh, sweetie,
-I can't let her know I've had a drink. -Come on, sweetie.
-She'll never know, will she, darling?
-She'll never know, will she? -She's not your bloody mother!
-Not my bloody mother! She's not my bloody mother! -She's not!
EDINA: Mother never knew, did she, Pats? Remember?
Oh, far out.
Oh, that's fantastic.
(ITCHYCOO PARK PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
Oh, oh!
-Oh, isn't it cold? -Good night.
-Are you gonna come in? -No.
Ciao.
(CAR PULLING AWAY)
-Hello, Edwina dear. Good concert? -(EDINA GRUNTS)
Why don't you come in and tell us all about it?
Your father and I are still up.
Come on, dear. Your father would love to see you.
-(KEYS JANGLING) -Where am I? Hmm?
Here she is.
Where was the concert this time, dear?
Eel Pie Island again, was it?
And who was it? Anyone we should have heard of?
-The Beatles? The Stones? The Rolling Who? -Mama, no.
-You look a bit dizzy, dear. Are you okay? -Uh...
(SNIFFS)
Is that cider I can smell on your breath?
(TUTTING)
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
It's all right, darling. She's not here.
She's not here, darling. Oh, God, the kid's here.
-All right, are we? All right, Eddy. -All right, sweetheart. Yeah.
All right, sweetheart. Go, Vinnie.
EDINA: Bye-bye, Vinnie darling.
Oh, sweetie... (MUMBLING)
Sweetie, darling.
Sweetie, darling, Mummy's here, sweetie! Mummy's...
(THUDDING)
Sweetie, darling, let me in!
(ANGRILY) Sweetie, darling, let me in!
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Oh, hang on a moment.
Mum, it's the Betty Ford Clinic.
What do they want, sweetie?
They said they're confirming the booking for four weeks from next Monday.
Sweetie, I think it's the only way, don't you, darling? (SIGHS)
I'm gonna swallow my pride and do it if that's all right by you.
You've been very good to me, you know. Thank you, darling.
-Well done. -(SIGHS) Thank you, sweetie.
(SIGHS) Thanks, Pats.