(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(GROANS)
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
(EXHALES)
It'll be all right with a bit of jewellery.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, God, that's so stupid!
No, no, no, no.
This is heavy.
There's not enough room on my bones for that sort of weight!
(TOILET FLUSHES)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(CLANGING)
Those are real gold, they must weigh more than that!
God!
(CHANTING GIBBERISH)
-Oh, dear! -Morning, sweetie.
I'm only gonna wear orange from now on, darling.
Religious purposes.
(CONTINUES CHANTING GIBBERISH)
You've been getting dressed for three hours
and you still look like a bloated citrus fruit.
Sweetie, it is a very healing colour, a very positive colour.
I'm getting rid of all my other clothes.
Is that really the best you could come up with?
Oh, God!
Well, I mean, only this and the dreaded kaftan fitted.
And when I say "fitted", it was filled to capacity.
I mean, all my clothes have got stretch marks, darling.
I mean, honestly, you wouldn't believe how much I weigh.
-I would. -I mean, I know I don't look hugely over-weight, darling.
-You do. -But, I mean, what I saw in that mirror shocked me.
Barbara Bush with no clothes on.
-I can't believe it. -Who did you expect?
-Well, Marisa Berenson, of course. -Who?
I've only ever seen Marisa Berenson.
Sometimes Cher.
-Pre-knife. -Mmm.
-Do you want some tea? -Oh, no. Coffee. Black. Shouldn't drink milk.
-Oh, God, why am I so fat? -You're not so fat.
I am! Why?
Well, for a start, you eat too much, you drink too much,
-and you take no exercise. -Darling, darling, please.
It's far more likely to be an allergy to something, isn't it?
You know, a sort of build-up of toxins or something,
or a hormone imbalance, isn't it? Hmm?
Also, sweetie, I've got a very heavy aura.
Do you know that? Mmm.
That's why animals love me, darling.
They just see you as something to hibernate in.
I take it you want a chocolate croissant?
Pain au chocolat we call it in this house, darling.
And no, thanks, I won't. I'll just nibble a corner of yours.
There's only one thing to be done. (CHUCKLES)
(SNIFFLES)
It's the chocolate I have to avoid in these, darling. I'm all right with the pastry.
-Can I speak to Dr Jackson, please? It's Edina. -Mum!
(SOFTLY) Shh. Sweetie.
Philip darling, it's Eddy.
Look, can I have a few more of those pills
I had last time? Mmm.
I want to lose a stone. Two weeks.
Hmm.
It must be a year since I had them last, isn't it?
Hmm?
But they're just palpitations, for God's sake.
Hmm?
Are you telling me I can't have them?
What is the point of having a private doctor if he won't do what you want?
Listen.
Please!
I want them to kill me!
God! Philip?
Can you believe he's not going to give them to me, darling?
Good. You can't just take huge quantities of speed to lose weight.
You can, darling. He treats royalty, believe me.
Anyway, who wouldn't suffer a minor coronary for that degree of weight loss, I ask you?
Look, Mum, all you've got to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise.
Oh, sweetie, if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it.
I mean, what do you mean? I do take exercise.
You get out of bed. It ends there.
I know what I'll do. I'll wait till Patsy gets here and phone her doctor.
He'll do anything.
And if that doesn't work, darling, I'm going to go down to that Chinese clinic.
-You know the one. -(GROANS) Here we go.
Well, sweetie, the reason... It's not what I eat or how much I eat.
It's these things in here. This fridge is just filled with crap, darling!
Just filled with crap.
Honestly. Look at this! I should only be eating organic food.
Food with the dirt still on it, darling.
I'll throw out all the food in this fridge.
This is revolting. I should just be eating green and white holistic food.
Shouldn't I, sweetie? I shouldn't be eating...
Oh, that's still got some in it, sweetie.
I shouldn't be eating all this, should I, darling?
Anyway, first I'm going to go on a fast.
Well, it's not the sort of fast you're thinking of, darling.
It's a special fast.
Sort of, "eating a lot" sort of fast?
-Just try and help me. Try! -What can I say?
Well, darling, just try to be a little less Western in your thinking if you can, please.
I mean you realise of course in Zen terms,
everything in the universe is just molecules, don't you?
Ying and Yong, Ping and Pong!
Mmm? Mmm? Did you know that, darling?
These are my molecules. That's your little clump of molecules over there, sweetie.
I mean, in real terms, there's no difference between me and the coffee,
me and the table, me and a tree, me and Madonna, for God's sake!
-Except that you have a fatter bottom. -(SPITS)
-Shut up. -Well, what do you want me to say?
Mum, it doesn't matter to me that you haven't seen your navel in 25 years
-or you can wear your stomach as a kilt. -Darling!
Just tell me you're happy.
Well, how can I be happy with this great bulk hanging off my skeleton? I can't!
All right, then. Do something about it.
-But do something sensible. -(SCOFFS)
Do not use that word in this house, please, darling.
-I mean, you're not ill. You don't have a disease. -As far as I know.
-You're not menopausal. -No, still very much menstrual, thank you, sweetie.
You've been tested for everything under the sun
-so you aren't allergic to anything. -Wrong! Jellyfish.
There's more of your blood sitting in test tubes around the world
than currently circulating in your veins.
I mean, you've tried every fad drug, every fad diet that's ever existed.
I mean, more money has been poured into your quest for Twigginess
than goes in aid to most third world nations, and somehow, Mum,
somehow, you're still two stone overweight.
-One stone, actually! -(DOORBELL BUZZING)
-Mum! -Well, darling, I mean...
-You know, for my height. -How tall?
Six foot.
-Morning, Eddy. -Oh, Pats, look, just stand there.
I'm going to lift my shirt. I want an honest opinion.
Surgery. Liposuction on the stomach and hips,
bum lift, tit lift. Lose a rib.
(GASPS)
This is Georgy. Say hello, Georgy.
-Hi. -Should we have some coffee, Georgy?
Oh, I don't know. I, uh...
No, I'd better not. I've got to be at the gym in a few minutes. Uh...
-Thanks anyway, ladies. -Girls, Georgy. We are girls. (CHUCKLES)
Goodbye, then. Don't pump too much iron at that gym of yours, all right, sweetie?
I'll see you later.
-What do you think? -Well, he's nice of a type, isn't he, Pats?
A toilet-trained gorilla!
(HISSES)
Nobody asked you.
Well, you can't have anything in common. You can't have anything to talk about.
(CHUCKLES)
She doesn't want someone to "talk to", darling.
-I've got you to talk to. -Exactly.
I mean, no one blinks an eye if an older man goes out with a young girl bimbo, do they?
-But what's really sick... Listen up, Patsy. -Huh...
What's sick, darling, is when a non-bimbo girl goes out with a really old man.
That's sick, isn't it?
Mum, what is this world you live in?
What does "bimbo" and "non-bimbo" mean?
-Real world, darling. -SAFFY: Oh.
Eddy, you remember that time I went out with Ferruzzi?
Saffy, this man was 55 years old for God's sake.
The only thing that got him up in the night was his bladder.
Do you get it? Do you get it?
The only thing he got "up" for was to have a slash.
Oh! Remind me not to tell that one again when I'm sober.
Sober? Chance would be a fine thing!
(EDINA GROANS)
Right, Eddy, so,
-body crisis? -Absolutely. Are you sure about surgery?
It's a viable option nowadays, darling. Everyone's doing it.
-My face? -Up to you.
Yuck!
-I'm a little Germaine Greerish, aren't I? -Oh, God forbid.
I think she's great!
Ooh, darling, she was once cool,
but Mr Gravity's been very unkind to that woman.
-So, on face? Yes. -No!
Darling, look at these wrinkles.
Mum, that's age. That's what happens.
Sweetie, this is premature ageing.
Therefore, I can legitimately have it corrected.
You look fine.
I could look better, sweetie.
Time and money is all it takes, Ed.
-Look. The thing to do is to be scientific about it. -Right.
Now, have a quick flick through these and find someone you want to look like.
-Good. Right. -(BUZZER RINGS)
-That'll be Dad. -Oh, what's he doing here?
-He's come to see me. -Ooh.
Do you like that? I do need a bit of inspiration.
I mean, I could go out and just buy a lot of new clothes two sizes too small.
But ooh, done that before.
-What's the recovery time on liposuction? -Hours.
-Hello, there. -Justin!
Sweetheart!
(CHUCKLES)
-I wasn't informed you were coming. -I thought you'd be at work.
I've come to see my daughter.
She's my daughter, too, you know!
I'll never be able to forget that.
-Oliver's not with you, I hope? -Mum, stop it now.
Sweetie!
We're your parents having a civilised conversation. Butt out!
-How are things with Oliver? -Oh, they're very good, actually.
-Oh, good. Oh, good. I'm so glad. -Actually, yes. Very good.
-Oh, I'm very pleased. -Steady, Eddy.
How you could've chosen to live with an evil, vicious,
pot-bellied, ugly little dwarf is beyond me!
Your mother and I were happy for a time, you know?
God, honestly! Now you turn up here with not so much as a present for me.
Oh, no, Dad, don't. Not this time.
I mean, you sit there in your little antique shop with Oliver
and not so much as a present or a thought for me who is here
-coping, bringing up your daughter... -Okay, okay.
In the shop there's this lovely little Indian turban box.
Silver-inlaid top with beautiful hand-painted scenes around the side.
-£1,000? -Darling! Oh, thank you.
Ah! Table, 18th century, walnut, turned legs,
lovely in the dining room, darling.
Thank you, Justin.
-Okay, come on, Ed. Car's here. Let's go. -Okay.
-Dad, stop compensating. It's been 10 years! -Bye, darling.
Oh, driving in?
Yeah, what do you think I should do? Fly?
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
No, I just find it strange, that's all. I mean, I just can't understand
how someone who could have been into absolutely everything
for the past 20 years,
I mean, not one trend has passed her by,
yet somehow she's conveniently dodged ever having to take any exercise.
-I mean, that fad, that craze was missed by a mile. -Hmm.
Stop showing off to your father like this!
Can I just explain about that for a second, darling?
Help me here, Justin.
In the '60s, darling, we were too stoned to jog.
In the '70s,
we had platform shoes.
And in the '80s, darling, uh...
-What happened in the '80s? -Her brain cells were destroyed in the '60s.
You know, she can't remember.
-The age of the punk. -Yes! Punk, darling.
We were too busy putting pins through our noses! (SCOFFS)
But you were too old to be a punk, weren't you?
(SCOFFS)
-Darling, I was a punk. -I know.
Oh!
Don't let her talk to you, Eddy.
I mean, she's the one who ruined your figure in the first place.
She's the one who turned you into this
potato that we see before us.
Now, now, now, now. That's unfair.
I liked you when you were sort of heavier. You know, you were more, um...
-What? -Um, cuddly.
EDINA: Oh, God! I'm sick. PATSY: I'm going to throw up.
-I mean, tough! Really tough. Really tough. -Let's go.
We'll go in a public transport, Pats.
What? Are you mad? I've got nothing to wear on public transport!
Listen, sweetie, I will not have my daughter thinking
she's so great because she can use public transport.
Anybody can use public transport, darling!
I know. That's the point.
Come on, Pats. I'll go and get that map thing I always use.
You know, that A to street map thing. Come on!
PATSY: On account.
I mean, it's public and it's transport.
Of course it is. We don't have to travel on rat-infested sewer trains
to be using public transport.
Mmm. That would be ridiculous.
Now, do you think I can get a helipad in here?
-Wide enough? -You'd have to move the pots.
Bubble, I'm coming into the office. Move the pots from outside.
Right!
Right, I'm here. I'm here. Don't panic. Don't panic.
-Is everything under control? -Yeah, everything's perfectly under control.
Good. I'm sorry I was so long, sweetie.
I had to do a spot of clothes shopping on the way.
Now, is there anything I should look at?
Yeah. A few of them whatchacallems come through.
-What? -Paper that comes out.
-What? What paper? -Very important, urgent paper.
-What? Tell me. Tell me. -The paper
that comes out the answering machine!
-Oh, fax? -Messages, letters, the lot.
It comes and it comes!
Anyway, them. I managed to get a couple of them down.
-I copied them onto my pad. -Let's have a look.
Oh, we're being saved by English Heritage.
-Which one's that mean? -"Away"?
It's here. "Saved".
No, "sued".
Well, it's only four letters out. I suppose that's all right.
Sued? Why are we being sued, darling?
-Well, that last fashion shoot you organised? -Mmm-hmm.
Apparently someone moved a couple of rocks or something.
-(CLICKS TONGUE) Ugh! -Moved a couple of old rocks? My God.
Ah, well. Stonehenge, Pats. Anyway...
So? They should be glad of the publicity.
Exactly! Exactly! Send that one to my lawyers.
Now, "Penny called from L.A." Penny who?
It'll come to me.
-It's only urgent-ish. -Mmm.
-She's coming over in a week or two. -Mmm.
Wanted to talk to you about a shop or something.
-Yeah. -Wanted to sell you some things or something.
My shop. Remember I'm opening a shop, Bubble?
-Ah! -Mmm.
I'm opening a shop, Pats.
-Oh, what are you gonna sell? -Oh, just gorgeous things, you know.
Oh! Lovely.
-Gorgeous, tasteful, little stylish little... -Expensive?
Obviously, yes. There will be sort of presenty,
Anoushka Hempel-y sort of things everywhere.
-Chocolates? -Mmm. Garden implements, that sort of thing.
(SIGHS) God! I can't find anyone I want to look like, you know.
Oh! Oh, actually she's not bad. Who's that?
-That's Ivana Trump. -Oh!
She's good, isn't she?
-God! Do you think so? -Mmm.
Looks like a classic bimbo to me.
All that terrible blonde hair piled on top of her head, false tan.
She's...
She's far too thin, always pouting,
absolutely no character, skirt's too short.
I mean, it's pathetic these older women struggling to look 25!
Sorry.
I think she's tremendous.
You're very thin, aren't you, Bubble?
Yes, she's emaciated, like her brain!
I know. It's awful.
I can eat as much as I like and I just don't get fatter.
-I cannot put on weight. -Oh, how terrible!
I know. I wish I was more curvy.
I wish I had breasts like yours.
-No, you don't. -Yes, I do.
-No, you don't! -I do!
Great big, large, pendulous breasts!
I'd like to fill a bra.
(BANGS TABLE) No, you wouldn't!
Oh, just stop saying you do.
You don't know what it feels like.
You think just because you feel better
with a couple of oranges stuffed down your cups
you know what it feels like! Well, you don't.
It's hell.
I don't have to wear a bra.
I just stuff the oranges down me vest!
Listen, you little bookmark...
You know I only employ you because you make me look better, don't you?
I've remembered what she's called!
Penny Caspar-Morse!
(MOANING DELIRIOUSLY)
Penny Caspar's coming and I'm fatter.
Oh, Penny! Penny's coming and I'm fat!
Who is Penny Caspar?
Who's that? Pat Ast?
There's a girl who gives the word "hippie" a whole new meaning.
(MAN LAUGHING)
Move over, Mama Cass!
Move out the way, sweetie.
-You're blocking my light. -(MAN LAUGHING)
Is it an eclipse? No, Edwina's in the room!
We could cancel Woodstock everybody.
They could play on Edwina's behind.
(PANTING)
What's she doing?
What pills did you give her, Patsy?
Just some tranquillisers. Don't question me.
I think she's sleep jogging.
You know, she did this for about three weeks before we got married.
She was really anxious about her weight.
She wanted to get married in hot pants.
-Did she? -No. Knickerbockers.
PATSY: (CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, fat old thing.
Look at her. Like a beached whale in designer sheets.
It can't have been easy for her growing up in our generation.
The era of The Shrimp and The Twig.
Penny Caspar was called "The Stick".
What hope did she have?
What did they call her?
Eddie was called "The Shredder" because she used to eat huge amounts of tissues.
Whole toilet rolls.
Oh, God! But, it's pathetic. I mean, she's not even fat!
And I'm Dolly Parton!
All right, well, she is desperately unhappy. We've got to help her.
I'm gonna do something. I'm not gonna let her down.
I'm gonna get her damn well thin
so she can face that damn bitch Penny Caspar with some dignity.
Damn it.
-I mean, she means a lot to all of us. -(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Well, she's been a damn good friend to me. (SNIFFING)
We've gotta help her.
She's got no willpower. She's helpless.
We've been through a lot together and I'm going to be there for her.
Wake up, Eddy. Eddy, wake up, damn you!
It will be all right. You will damn well be thin!
You will damn well be damn thin.
(PILLS RATTLING)
Oh, God! Eddy, don't sleep.
(MOANING)
-We may have to pump her out again. -(GASPING)
(GROANS) Okay! Let's start with those abdominals.
-We'll see if we can get that stomach flat. Okay? -Tomboyish!
Go for it, Eddy.
Okay! Let's start with 10.
I do them as well, yeah? Yeah?
Yeah. Come on down.
-Okay. Now, I don't want to see a big movement. -(GROANING)
Just enough to get your head
-and your shoulders off the mat. -Right.
Go for it, sweetie.
Here we go. And one.
And one. Feel those muscles pull in.
Show me that again.
-The, er... -Okay. (MUMBLES)
Now, just, just scrunch up, like that, yeah. (INHALES)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Just, uh, try and get your head and your shoulders off the mat there.
No.
Your head?
-I can move my eyes. -Well done, sweetie.
-(STAMMERING) Yeah. That's good! That's good! -Yeah?
-Yeah. It's a muscle. -I feel it here.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON WALKMAN)
(EXHAUSTED PANTING)
Sweetie! (PANTING)
How far did you get?
(MUMBLING)
You did a circuit?
Round the living room, dear?
No, no, no!
Went across Mead Road, round Elgin Place, right round the crescent,
across the traffic lights and then back here.
-The end of the road and back? -Yes, yes, yes, yes.
-How long have you got left? -(EXHALES) Four days, darling.
Shouldn't eat so much, little piggy. (GRUNTING LIKE A PIG)
I'm not eating anything.
I'm living on air and mung beans.
You've got your grandmother's hips.
Oh, well, that's thanks to you!
I mean, thanks for all the chips and lard and potatoes
and white bread and suet pudding covered in treacle
I had to eat as a child, darling.
And all the endless cups of sugary tea and...
-Mr Whippy. -Mmm-hmm.
Biscuits and chips and meat
fried in six inches of animal fat. Thanks to that!
Before we had the deep freeze.
Oh, God, even then it was the same food, only colder.
I mean, honestly.
And do you know, darling, the real problem started, sweetie,
because I wasn't even breastfed.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, dear. It wasn't done in those days. (LAUGHING)
Imagine me having that clamped to my breast!
Mmm, I want better for you, darling.
I want better for you. I don't want you ending up like me
with all my complicated, still rather
marvellous hang-ups, sweetie. Don't want that.
At least you were breastfed.
Was I? By whom?
You told me your milk dried up, your tubes blocked, and your nipples dropped off.
What? (MUMBLES)
Well, they did, they did.
So, who was I breastfed by?
Not one of the many saggy-tittied hippies
who lived with us at the time, I hope.
Darling, it was a commune. That was the point.
Anyway, sweetie. I mean, they gave you a good start in life, didn't they?
I mean, you're all right, aren't you?
Sweetie, you're all right, aren't you?
-How many? Which ones? -Oh! Oh, it doesn't matter.
They've all died of overdoses since. I mean, it doesn't matter.
Anyway, anyway, sweetie,
can I just say that at least you're not fat like me. Hmm?
I mean, what you two don't seem to realise is inside of me,
inside of me there's a thin person just screaming to get out.
Just the one, dear?
Pull, pull! (GROANING)
-Okay, that's it. That's as far as they'll go. -Yeah.
-Push me up. Push. Push. -Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
-Leggings? -No, slacks.
-Oh, dear. -I'm enormous still.
What am I gonna do?
-How comfortable are you? -Well, on a scale of what?
-Well, childbirth? -Oh!
Well, you're looking at a 12-pound baby, no anaesthetic and forceps.
I could live with it. I could live with it. What do they look like?
Well, a zeppelin in a condom, darling.
We'll have to think of something else.
You could get your jaw wired up.
Oh, no, I've done that.
Honestly, it lasted two hours.
My will to speak was too strong.
We're still all right. We've still got time to get down to the clinic
-and have lipo as a last resort. -(MUTTERS)
Let's just be sensible about this.
-Now, if Penny gets here on Tuesday. -Tomorrow.
I mean, I could have lost a few more pounds
-before Tuesday, couldn't I? -Tomorrow.
-What? -Tomorrow evening.
-Why are you saying that? -Because it's true.
-She rang. -(GASPING)
I'm phoning the clinic.
Emergency liposuction, please.
I'll book you in for collagen lips at the same time.
I want you to find out how painful it is.
DOCTOR: How small do you want to be?
This small.
(GASPS)
Oh, no! Oh, no! Not the kidneys!
It's, it's out of control! I can't stop it!
Oh, God, now the legs are going! Ahh!
Oh, no! Come on, come back!
Hold on!
Lips, madam?
(GASPING)
No more. No more.
No! No more! No more! No more!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my body!
I love you, my body. Oh, God!
(SIGHS)
Pats...
(STAMMERING) Oh, is she there? Who are you?
Well, what does she look like?
Well, turn her over and ask her name.
Oh, Pats, it is you. Listen, Pats.
Darling, I can't go through with it. I can't.
No. Oh, all right.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
♪ Looking good, feeling great
♪ Looking good, feeling great ♪
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
It looks all right, doesn't it, sweetie? Covers a bit?
Thin ankles, thin ankles! Look at those, darling.
Oh, don't sit over there.
Go on. Stand up. Come on, mill around here a bit more when she comes.
Then form a wall here, so she can't see where I end and you begin.
Go on. Here.
-You look great. -Dad, shut up.
-Well, she looks fine. -No, just keep milling, milling, milling,
so she doesn't get a clear view.
Okay. Okay. Okay. She's here.
Eddy, great news.
(GASPING)
-She's fat! -No, no, no. Better than that.
-She's dead! -No.
-She's blind! -(SCREAMING) Yes! Yes!
She's blind! Yes!
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Come on, just one more step.
That's it! Now last few steps.
A wrestler operation, is it, Pen-Pen? 'Course it is.
But darling, sit down. Have another drink-y.
Let bygones be bygones.
I'll get into that little room and have a nice little chat.
You took from me the only man I ever really loved!
You're just a spiteful bitch, Penny Caspar!
Morse! Penny Caspar-Morse now!
Now you come back here. Trying to sell your little bits of tat for my shop.
My shop!
Well, what a comedown! Cause I'm the successful one now, aren't I?
I'm rich and I'm happy and I've got wonderful family and friends!
I want you to know that I'm no longer coping with this.
Ah, well, I don't have to get a plastic surgeon to keep my body together, do I?
No, no, no. Because I want to tell you,
I've got my fantastic bone structure.
I am thin and gorgeous!
Thin? Ha!