1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,280 (THEME SONG PLAYING) 2 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,400 Come on, wake up! 3 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,760 Come on. Come on, Bubble. Try and concentrate. 4 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:28,080 -I have important information I have to tell you. -(SIGHS) 5 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:32,240 I am going to be in France for nearly a whole week and I'm counting on you to cope. 6 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,560 Now there is only one thing that you have to concentrate on this week 7 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,760 and that's the refurbishment of Bettina's apartment. 8 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:38,840 "Refurbishment of Bettina's apartment." 9 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,560 It's very important. I promised her it'd be finished this week. 10 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,520 I mean, when she said "Third World chic," 11 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:44,840 I was hoping she'd stick to it, 12 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:49,880 but it took me hours to get hold of that flyblown mud hessian for her kitchen walls. 13 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,720 I mean, there is a nomadic tribe in the Northern African desert 14 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,120 that's going to be travelling rather light this winter, thanks to Bettina. 15 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,440 Also, when the wood arrives for her kitchen surfaces 16 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,320 remember to stamp "Greenpeace approved" on it. 17 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:03,560 -"Greenpeace approved." -All right? Yes, 18 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,960 and if the silk for the cushions doesn't arrive by tomorrow, 19 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,720 then fax Calcutta and tell them to weave faster. 20 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,280 My God, what can they be doing? Squatting inside the room, 21 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,040 making chapatis for God's sake, and poor Bettina. 22 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:17,560 (IMITATING FRENCH) 23 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:22,120 Also, darling, I'll try and phone you from my mobile 24 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,720 but I'm not sure that it'll work from France. 25 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,800 Well, even if it does, I'm not sure I'd understand what you were saying. 26 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,240 What, darling? 27 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:31,160 Well, you do speak French, don't you? 28 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,080 Of course I speak French. 29 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,080 Someone has been stealing from me. 30 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:38,880 (SIGHING) 31 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,200 -Saffy! Oh! -Morning, dear. 32 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,040 God, what are you doing here? 33 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,320 Well, I'm coming to stay, dear, while you're away. To keep Saffron company. 34 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,840 -No, you're not. Is she, sweetie? -I don't mind. 35 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,960 (STAMMERING) Saffy doesn't want you staying here cramping her style. 36 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:53,560 She wants a little bit of freedom. 37 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,120 She wants to have parties and have boys around and play loud music. 38 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,520 -And have orgies! -Yeah, a bit of snogging and smash the place up a bit 39 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,000 and crash out on the floor. 40 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,720 -In a pool of sick. -Yes. 41 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:05,840 I don't! 42 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,960 Why not, darling? Why not try it just once, sweetie? 43 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,680 You're not like your mother in that respect, are you, Saffron? 44 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,240 She spent most of her teenage years sitting on a large beanbag, 45 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,240 cigarette in one hand, joss stick in the other 46 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,240 with a large-lipped youth suctioned onto her face. 47 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,360 Come here, darling. Come away from that woman. 48 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,800 Come here, I want to speak to you. 49 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,760 Nice cup of tea. Now, where would one find the tea bags? 50 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,800 -We don't have teabags, we happen to have tea. -Oh... 51 00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,160 Come over here, sweetie. I want to talk to you. Come on. 52 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:36,560 (EDINA SIGHING) 53 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,520 Something has been stolen from my room. 54 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:43,480 -What? -A little certain something precious to me, darling. 55 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,760 -Have you seen this pot? -(STAMMERING) Where? What? 56 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,120 Oh. 57 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,000 (MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY) 58 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:54,920 It's a sort of space-age teapot, isn't it, dear? 59 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,360 A teapot to boldly go where no teapot has been before, 60 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,280 to seek out new life-forms. 61 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,120 -I hid your stash. -(GASPING) 62 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,360 -Where? -Down the toilet. 63 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:06,440 (GASPING) 64 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:09,000 What might one use to put the tea into the pot with, dear? 65 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,480 A teaspoon! A bloody, buggery teaspoon! 66 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,120 Oh, a bloody buggery teaspoon. 67 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,000 That sounds rather clever. 68 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,680 And what did one fill the kettle from? 69 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,080 The bloody, marvellous tap, I suppose. 70 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,320 -No, we happen to have a filter here, all right? -Oh. 71 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:27,280 God, you come round here and make an endless bloody fuss. 72 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,720 This is my house where I should be able to do what I want. 73 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,840 If only people would let me get on with it. 74 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,960 So, I've been busted by my own daughter, have I? Well... 75 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,520 What am I supposed to do now, sweetie? 76 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:39,920 Well, what were you planning to do? 77 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,840 Slide it in the lining of your handbag? 78 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,520 -Or insert it in some orifice for some dog to sniff out? -(SCOFFING) 79 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:47,840 I mean I can't believe you were thinking of taking it with you. 80 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,320 I don't mind if you have to have the odd joint at home, in your bedroom. 81 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,720 Oh, well, sweetie, thank you. How kind, darling. 82 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,880 It was for personal use. You are allowed it for personal use! 83 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,280 -Yes, Mum, but they would send you to prison. -Oh, darling, 84 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,400 -not someone like me, sweetie. Not any more. -Pathetic. 85 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,320 This filtered water boils very fast. 86 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,840 -That's because there's less of it. -Ah! 87 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,640 I mean, they are illegal drugs. 88 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,000 You use them like most people have after dinner mints, to round off a meal. 89 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,640 Either you sniff something to make you speedy 90 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,720 or smoke a little something to make you jelly-brained. 91 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,840 Either way, you end up more boring than you can imagine. 92 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,000 Oh! (LAUGHING) 93 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,880 That is rich coming from someone who lives their life at a level of boredom 94 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,560 that would make a battery chicken take up an evening class, sweetie. 95 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:33,040 Mum, you are supporting a criminal, corrupt, evil system. 96 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,240 -Is she insisting on voting Labour again, dear? -Oh, shut up! 97 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:40,000 I mean, you're no different to a junkie on the street, to a dealer. 98 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,320 As long as people like you go on doing it, giving it a hint of respectability, 99 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,920 -the evil will continue. -(SIGHING) 100 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,080 Governments will be undermined, countries kept poor, children corrupted. 101 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,760 -Individuals will be killed, intimidated and tortured. -(SHOOING) 102 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:56,120 God, you've overdosed on John bloody Craven's Newsround again. 103 00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,760 -(DOORBELL BUZZING) -Oh, that'll be Patsy. 104 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,040 Oh, I'll go. 105 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,000 Bonjour, sweetie. 106 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,600 -Oh, Patricia! -Oh, hello. 107 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,600 How nice. (LAUGHING) 108 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:15,880 Ooh, still no ring on that finger, then? 109 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,680 -Still no husband? -No one special. Eddy! 110 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,520 Oh, and you were always the one with the boys. 111 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:26,160 It seems so strange to me that Edwina should have been married twice 112 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,760 and you still a spinster. 113 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,600 Oh, I don't know. 114 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,440 -Still blonde, then? -Yes. 115 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,240 -Still managing to keep that up? -Yes. Is Eddy here? 116 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,840 Oh, yes, she's here. 117 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,720 Lovely old Patsy's here, dear. 118 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:41,440 -Come on, Eddy. -No, no, Patsy. Here's Saffy. 119 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,080 -Saffy, here's Auntie Patsy. -Bye-bye, Auntie Patsy. 120 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,040 -(SCOFFING) Come on, Eddy. -Bye, Mum. 121 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,000 -Goodbye, dear. Take care of yourself. -I will. 122 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,120 -Now have you got everything? -Yes. 123 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,760 -Be careful. Passports, tickets, condoms? -I will. Yes, darling! 124 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,120 -(MURMURING) Forgot something. -(LAUGHS) Oh! 125 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,200 You, remember, cancel my aromatherapy, my psychotherapy 126 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,600 my reflexology, my osteopath, my homeopath, my naturopath, 127 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,720 my crystal reading, my shiatsu and my organic hairdresser. 128 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:05,080 And see if I can be rebirthed next Thursday afternoon. 129 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:07,480 Consider it done. 130 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,280 -EDINA: And one of those, there. -Du vin rouge? 131 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,720 -And those two vodkas. -De la vodka? 132 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,400 -(STAMMERING) This... -C'est du parfum, madame. 133 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,040 Oui, one of those. 134 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,040 And two champagne. 135 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,760 -Du champagne? -What's in there? 136 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,480 -C'est la poubelle, madame. -Yeah, we'll have two of those. 137 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:27,920 Vous desirez des cacahuetes? 138 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:30,200 No. 139 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,400 -Peanuts, though. Peanuts! -Oi! Oi, peanuts! 140 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,320 Sullen, stingy, bloody French bitch. 141 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:42,320 -Madame. - ...moiselle! Mademoiselle! 142 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,160 I'm having a really healthy week this week, Pats. 143 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,320 -I'm not eating and I'm not drinking. -Right. 144 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,240 Fruit, obviously. I'm just eating fruit. 145 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,880 Just eating fruit and not drinking. 146 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,760 -You can't go to France and not drink. -Hmm? 147 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,640 The chateau we're staying at is in the middle of a vineyard. 148 00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:59,680 -The air alone is 15% proof. -Oh... 149 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,120 I'll drink just wine then. 150 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,400 Eat just fruit, drink just wine, and not smoke. That's good. 151 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:05,960 I'm not having sex. 152 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,240 -Are you sure, darling? -Mmm-hmm. Positive. 153 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,360 All right. Okay. 154 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,280 Are we starting now or when we land? 155 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,400 (SIGHING) I think I can safely start now. 156 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,520 (PATSY SCOFFS) 157 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,880 No, let's say when we land. 158 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:28,840 (KNOCKS ON DOOR) 159 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,280 EDINA: Look, it's glorious, sweetie. Wake up, Pats. 160 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:37,080 -Look at this. Look what you're missing, sweetie. -Mmm. 161 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,120 Hang on, let me just cut this corner. 162 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:40,920 Oh, it's gorgeous. Mmm. 163 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:44,120 Look at the little town! This is it, isn't it, darling? 164 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,400 Look. Wake up, Pats. Is this the house? 165 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,880 PATSY: (YAWNING) Oh, God. 166 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,600 PATSY: Eddy, we've been down this road before. 167 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,840 -That is the same village. We're going back and forth... -(EDINA SIGHING) 168 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,520 EDINA: I'm stopping. 169 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,600 Wake up! 170 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,200 Am I on the right side of the road or the wrong side of the road? 171 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,840 I can't go on until I'm sure. 172 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,600 Keep driving, Eddy. You haven't hit anything yet. 173 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,240 This is here. I should be on the right-hand side of the road. 174 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,600 Look, do you want me to drive? 175 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,760 Oh, well, so speaks the woman who's head has been lolling around 176 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,800 like a bladder on a stick for the best part of the journey. 177 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,120 Just read the maps. Get the maps. 178 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:22,600 (RUSTLING) 179 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,800 This is Spain... 180 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,800 Read the instructions. 181 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,880 "Leave airport, turn right..." Blah, blah, blah. (SIGHS) 182 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:37,160 Right. Now, get in, Pats. I shouldn't have gone left, should I? I mean... 183 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,640 -(ENGINE REVVING) -(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 184 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,680 EDINA: We're going back to that bloody airport, Pats, or we'll never find it! 185 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:52,160 We'll never find it. Oh, God, I hate France! 186 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:53,680 I hate it. 187 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,000 EDINA: Oh, God! 188 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,160 -Eight hours, Pats, it has taken us. -(PULLS HAND BRAKE) 189 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,120 That kind of knocks your idea of wild nightlife in 190 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,680 -Saint Tropez on the head, doesn't it, sweetie? -(CAR DOOR OPENS) 191 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:05,800 (CAR DOOR CLOSES) 192 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:09,920 (BOTH ARGUING) 193 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:11,880 Eight bloody hours! 194 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,000 (YELLING OVER EACH OTHER) 195 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,520 We went in so many bloody circles, it would be 10 minutes from Saint Tropez now. 196 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:22,200 I don't think so somehow. The sky lost that comforting orange glow a long way back. 197 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,440 PATSY: Oh, it's gorgeous. 198 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,520 After eight hours in that bloody car with you, Patsy, 199 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,120 the local pissoir looked rather gorgeous! 200 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,680 -But this? -Oh, shut up, Eddy. 201 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,160 -We want something to eat and something to drink. -Oh, God. 202 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:44,320 (LAUGHING) Well, to eat, Patsy, I can see four pieces of dried up pasta 203 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:49,080 and half a packet of French toast which defies eating at the best of times, darling. 204 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:53,280 -Cockroach! A cockroach! -(BOTH SCREAMING) 205 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,800 No, don't kill it, darling. I'm a Buddhist. I could come back as one of those. 206 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,400 God. Oh... 207 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,240 -I think that one had a coronary, sweetie. -Oh, God! 208 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,520 Insects. Insects. 209 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,760 They followed me, those bloody insects. 210 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,400 Insects follow me everywhere, darling. 211 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:12,640 From Tuscany to the Caribbean. Insects, insects, insects. 212 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:17,000 You know, usually we see pictures of glamorous houses in Marrakech, for God's sake. 213 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,720 You don't see spiders scuttling into the corner. 214 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,440 Never seen a picture of Jane Seymour with a centipede 215 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,120 dangling from her bloody tiara. 216 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,040 No, they just follow me. They bloody follow me. 217 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,520 I mean, a mosquito's never bitten you, for God's sake. 218 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,600 The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford clinic. 219 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,560 Exactly. Exactly. God. 220 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,760 Oh, God. I hate France. 221 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,000 I'm having a little trouble finding BBC, dear. 222 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,680 I've flipped through about 15 channels. 223 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,320 Hmm. Oh, you've got it on satellite. Press that one. 224 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,200 Oh, no wonder. 225 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,480 I kept seeing these Italian housewives taking their bras off! 226 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,160 I thought, "This can't be Challenge Anneka." 227 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,800 -Can I help myself to a sherry, dear? -Mmm. 228 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,600 Ooh, or shall I have a Japanese beer? 229 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,560 No. 230 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,440 -Pats, Straw Dogs! -It's all right, sweetie, I've got a lighter. 231 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:12,840 EDINA: Oh, God. That's typical, isn't it? 232 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,240 Whenever you go bloody abroad, 233 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,000 the slightest suggestion of a thunderstorm and all the bloody lights go out. 234 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:18,680 Well, that's typical, isn't it? 235 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,000 Oh, yes, let's all join Europe so the lights can bloody go out everywhere. 236 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,680 -Sieg heil, the federal state! -Shut up, Eddy. 237 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,320 -God... -What's the matter with you? 238 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,400 -We need a joint. We both need a joint. -Oh, God. 239 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,120 Well, I haven't got any. Saffy flushed all mine. The lot. 240 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,440 I thought you'd have something. 241 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:33,840 Well, I was counting on you. 242 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,360 -I've only got some coke. I've got some ecstasy. -Oh... 243 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,800 Are you mad? No one's taking that any more! 244 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,920 (SIGHING) Well, I'm going to bed. 245 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:45,000 (CHOKING) Don't just leave me here stranded and... 246 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,160 Darling, there's only one candle, sweetie. 247 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,120 PATSY: Careful here. We could come across a corpse or something. 248 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,200 (AEROSOL CAN SPRAYING) 249 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,120 Well, I'm very sorry about the bloody ozone layer, 250 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,000 but this is a matter of human survival here. 251 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,520 Pats, why don't you go down to the village? You know what we need. 252 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:08,760 I don't know what we need. 253 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,920 Yes, you do know what we need, darling. 254 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,920 We need, you know, milk and bread and cheese 255 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,960 and little French things. Go on. 256 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,400 Oh, look, sweetie, why don't you go? 257 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,080 No, look, I'll write it down for you. Hang on. 258 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,440 Look, come on, sweetie. 259 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,400 Now, we need bread, 260 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,680 pain, from the bakery. 261 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,280 (STAMMERING) The... 262 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:32,880 Pain-ery. 263 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,480 (ATTEMPTING TO SPEAK FRENCH) 264 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,320 And get a few little vegetables from the grocery. 265 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,880 A few little things, darling. Anyway, go on. Off you go, darling. 266 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,760 -Oh, look, Eddy, you do it. -Oh, no... 267 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,480 (SCOFFING) All right, I'll go. 268 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,560 But if I go, you've got to phone Saffy and Bubble 269 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:47,840 and let them know we're here, all right? 270 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,280 I've tried. I don't know the code. 271 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,320 Well, darling, what is it from LA? Isn't it the same? 272 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,560 Look, it doesn't work! And anyway there isn't a book. 273 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,800 -Well, just phone the operator. -And say what? 274 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:57,880 Say, "What's 275 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,840 "the code for Angleterre, for Londres," for God's sake! 276 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,280 -I'll do it when you've gone. -Oh! 277 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,000 -God, have you got some money, darling? -Yes, I've got lots. 278 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,920 Well, well, all right... 279 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,040 (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Well... 280 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,720 -Is that enough? -That's about £500. Um... 281 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,360 -I've got cards. -Yes. 282 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,560 All right, sweetie. 283 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,320 See you later! (LAUGHING) 284 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,120 Oh, God! 285 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,880 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 286 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,320 (INQUIRING IN FRENCH) 287 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:48,120 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 288 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,720 (REPEATING QUESTION IN FRENCH) 289 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,160 (BIDS FAREWELL IN FRENCH) 290 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,480 (COUGHING) 291 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,640 (MEN CHATTING) 292 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,960 (CHATTING STOPS) 293 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,200 I must be getting closer now. 294 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,680 Um... When you get through, 295 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,080 I'll ask Saffy to come and bring food, shall I? 296 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:14,520 No, we don't want her down here. 297 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,520 Why don't you just get her to phone up in French 298 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,600 and order the food from Paris and have it sent down. 299 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,160 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 300 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,400 -Psst! -(WHISPERING) You go. 301 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,400 (SPLUTTERING) 302 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,800 (STAMMERING) 0-1-4... 303 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,600 (QUESTIONING INSISTENTLY IN FRENCH) 304 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,440 Pats, Pats! Come here quickly. 305 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,840 -(REPEATS QUESTION) -Oh, God... 306 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,520 (EXPLAINING IN FRENCH) 307 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,120 (MUTTERING AND SHOOING) 308 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,560 -Has she rung? -No, what's the matter? 309 00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,760 It's urgent. 310 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:07,440 Very angry man called to say she's to sign this or the work won't be finished on... 311 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,800 Uh... 312 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,480 Doings' flat. 313 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:14,880 Well, can't it wait? 314 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,760 It's cutting it really, really fine if I leave it till she gets back. 315 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,400 In fact, I think he wants it tomorrow morning. 316 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,120 Oh, this sort of thing's never happened to me before. 317 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,360 Well, you've never done anything before. 318 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:28,480 I know. 319 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:32,040 I don't know why she wants to do this interior design thing. 320 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,040 It's just so much work. 321 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,480 Well, she never would be told. 322 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,240 She's always had her own ideas about decorating. 323 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:43,080 How she could live in that room of hers at home, I just don't know. 324 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:49,840 Since she left, it's had two coats of paint and three different wallpapers, 325 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,320 and when the light's right, 326 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,360 I can still see Jimi Hendrix's face staring out at me. 327 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,440 ♪ Purple haze all in my brain 328 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,280 (PHONE RINGING) 329 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,240 ♪ Never the same ♪ 330 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,080 MOTHER: Oh, dear. (CHUCKLING) 331 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:06,800 Hello? 332 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,280 Mum? No. 333 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,480 How can you have malnutrition? 334 00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:16,720 (SNIFFING) 335 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,480 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 336 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:21,560 Oh, God, it's that old man again. 337 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,080 You go, Pats. He likes you. 338 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,120 He likes you, darling. He fancies you. You go. 339 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,440 Oh, thank God! 340 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,520 Wine! 341 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,760 Eddy! Rosemary's baby's arrived with food. 342 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,080 (LAUGHING) 343 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,440 Oh, sweetie. Food! Wine! Hurrah! 344 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,800 Oh, God! Hello, darling! 345 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,360 -It isn't really what I imagined. -Oh, God. Horrible, isn't it? 346 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:51,560 Oh, I like it. 347 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,640 Oh, sweetie, it's been a nightmare. Look, have you eaten? 348 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,560 -No. -Oh, good, I'll do one of my specials. 349 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,600 I'll just throw some tomatoes and olive oil and garlic into a pan. 350 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,200 -A sandwich would do. -No, sweetie, I'll do my special. 351 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,720 Come on, darling. Can you hand me a frying pan? 352 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,880 Come on, Saff. 353 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,120 (SCREAMING) 354 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,240 Bonjour. 355 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,040 (SIGHS) 356 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,000 Anyone fancy a game of table tennis? 357 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,680 I'm sorry there's nothing to do, darling. 358 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,160 What do you mean? There's plenty to do. 359 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,640 We could walk or paint or play a game of table tennis. 360 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:31,720 (SIGHING) 361 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,240 I suppose that's all right for some deprived kid at its first youth club. 362 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:37,960 -Or prisoner in cell block H. -Hmm. 363 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,200 -Bubble? -Yeah! 364 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,480 I hope I can remember how to play. 365 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:55,360 (SHOOING) 366 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,320 Bubble, have you moved? 367 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,560 All right, you'll be a bush anyway, sweetie. I got my green paint mixed up. 368 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,080 I've done you, Patsy. You can go. 369 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,400 (SIGHING) It's lovely here. 370 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,080 It's lovely, yeah. 371 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,640 How can you not be enjoying it? 372 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,840 It's so peaceful and relaxing, 373 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,440 just walking and reading and playing games. 374 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,520 -It's fun! -Fun? 375 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:37,800 Mmm. 376 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,480 I can see it should be fun. I mean, I know it should be fun, sweetie. It's... 377 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,880 (SIGHING) It's like a secret that no one's let me in on. You know, it's... 378 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,120 Your sort of fun, hmm? 379 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,440 -Yeah. -Yes, well, I think I'll go have a stroll in the village. 380 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,600 All right. I won't come. 381 00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,880 (SIGHING) 382 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,400 Pats! 383 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:05,360 You know that chateau with the degustation that we passed? 384 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:06,480 What do you think? 385 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,520 EDINA: Mmm. (LAUGHING) 386 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,040 Mmm. 387 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,520 (SNORTING) 388 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,640 -Darling, don't snort it, just drink it, sweetie. -Oh. 389 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,000 Oh! (CHOKING) Ah! 390 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,240 -Fabulous! - Fantastique! 391 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:27,000 (STAMMERING) Now, which, this one. We've tried this one. 392 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,840 -I like this one. Mmm. -Check this one. 393 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:30,360 It's this one. 394 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,920 This is the one, Pats. This... This one! 395 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,320 -This one! This is the one, sweetie. Yes. -We finished this one. 396 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,760 -We tried this one. -Yes. Have we had this one? 397 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:39,920 Have we tried this one? 398 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,400 -What is this one? -What is this one? 399 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,320 We haven't tried this one I don't think, sweetie. 400 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,160 Have we tried this one? 401 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,120 -Mmm! -The other one? 402 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:51,000 No, this is the one. This is the one. That's the one we like. 403 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,520 This is the one we like. 404 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,160 This is the one we didn't want, that one, the empty one. 405 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:56,520 We didn't want this one. 406 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,440 BOTH: This one. This is the one. 407 00:20:58,560 --> 00:20:59,840 This is the one we wanted. 408 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,480 This all, we didn't want this! 409 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,800 (DRUNKENLY) That is the one that we had wanted. 410 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,880 (LAUGHING DRUNKENLY) 411 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,400 But I know that, this was one and this was one, 412 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,240 and this was one. 413 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,680 -We haven't tried that one. -This one. 414 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,360 And that box. We're having the box as well. 415 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,640 -(LAUGHING) -(COUGHING) 416 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,640 (BOTH LAUGHING) 417 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,480 All right, now, be careful. 418 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,520 (BOTTLES CLANKING) 419 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,440 (GROANING) 420 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,360 Shit! Someone's taken the steering wheel! 421 00:21:58,800 --> 00:21:59,960 That's Patsy's. 422 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,520 -You alone? -Oh, thanks, Ed. 423 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:06,800 All right, so... 424 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,160 (SIGHING) Right. 425 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,920 If you do the sky, I'll do the grass. 426 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,640 All right. 427 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,960 Fancy a game of doubles? 428 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:27,560 No, I don't play. 429 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,120 I'm only going to play if I can play with Eddy. 430 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,120 In a minute. 431 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,280 Oh, it's so stupid! I mean they've... 432 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,560 They've made the holes the wrong shape for the pieces! 433 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,160 Oh... 434 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,280 Aw! 435 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,840 (SIGHING) Come on, Patsy! 436 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,680 Well, at least you're not playing with this demented liquorice allsort with us! 437 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,200 SAFFY: She's very good. 438 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,440 -I'm in the game as well. You can hit it to me sometimes. -Here you go then. 439 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,000 Pats, Pats. (SNIFFING LOUDLY) 440 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,400 -Darling, wipe it, wipe it... (CLEARING THROAT) -(SNIFFING LOUDLY) 441 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,240 No, look, let's stop and think about rules for a second. 442 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,400 -I'm going to score. -First service. 443 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:09,680 EDINA: All right, now hit it to me! Hit it to me! 444 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:11,200 -To Bubble, to Bubble. -BUBBLE: No, to me! 445 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:13,200 (GRUNTING) 446 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:14,360 Oh, well done. 447 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,440 SAFFY: Lovely. PATSY: Oh, yeah! 448 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,480 EDINA: Everybody, stop it! You're not allowed to play until I'm ready! 449 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,320 -EDINA: Now you two are scoring, all right? -Right. 450 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:23,760 Keep an eye on the score. What happened to that ball? 451 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,600 Whoo! Game. Time? 452 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,480 SAFFY: Um, 2-1. 453 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,280 Yes! 454 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,360 Oh, I'm broke! 455 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,120 Well, take another mortgage. Don't give in. 456 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,560 -What, on a "Get out of jail free" card? -Well, try. 457 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:42,000 I thought you were broke! 458 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,360 Where did you get all that money from? 459 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,840 -Don't question me. -Where did you get it? 460 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,440 I borrowed it from the bank. 461 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,120 But you can't do that! That's cheating! 462 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,360 Listen, you little stoat. I own Park Lane, 463 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:56,160 I can borrow as much bloody money as I like! 464 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:01,200 Come on, honestly, Saffy! Try to get into the spirit of the thing, sweetie. 465 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:05,920 (TABLE TENNIS BALL BOUNCING) 466 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,440 (SIGHS) 467 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,720 Isn't this the paper you wanted my mother to sign? 468 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,000 Oh, jeepers creepers! 469 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:17,640 Well, go give it to her now, there's still time. 470 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,320 -No. -Go on. 471 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,400 -You. -Don't be silly. Go on. 472 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,640 -(EDINA SCREAMING) -(BUBBLE SCREAMING) 473 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,160 Get me to that phone. 474 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,240 Angleterra! Angleterra! 475 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,600 Jesus Christ! 476 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,040 Pronto! 477 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,040 (QUESTIONING FRUSTRATEDLY IN FRENCH) 478 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:55,120 Oh, he says he's wondering why we've been staying at the cottage. 479 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,480 (EXPLAINING IMPATIENTLY) 480 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:03,200 "The staff have been expecting us at the chateau a half-mile down the road." 481 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,560 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 482 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,640 Aw... "He hopes we had a pleasant stay." 483 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:13,640 Listen, you little gonk! 484 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,880 If you tell anyone what he said, I'll kill you! 485 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,200 Drive! Just drive! 486 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,920 Get in the car. Get in the car. Drive! Drive! 487 00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:28,280 (HORN HONKING) 488 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:29,880 Patsy, get in! 489 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,680 Leave her! Leave her, she's not quick enough. Come on, sweetie! 490 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,600 (LAUGHING) I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous stopping me. 491 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:43,480 Look at the people they're letting through. 492 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,520 Stoned Chinese hippies with backpacks, for God's sake! 493 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:49,560 Prescription. 494 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,120 Look, there is someone waiting just out by that barrier there 495 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,920 to get this piece of paper, to save my reputation and career. 496 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:03,280 If he finds anything, Pats, you're on your own. 497 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,440 (SIGHING) 498 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,520 Whose bag is this? 499 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,040 This is my case. That's not my sponge bag. 500 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:20,280 -Who packed this case? -BOTH: They did. 501 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,080 You'd better come with me. 502 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:28,760 (SCOFFING) 503 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:30,840 (EXHALING) 504 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,720 -You don't have to say anything. -I know. 505 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:37,920 If you'd given me this piece of paper sooner, 506 00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:41,560 I would have rushed home and I wouldn't be standing here now! 507 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:43,920 It's not her fault we're here now. 508 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:49,520 I don't think anyone quite appreciates the scale of what is happening here. 509 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:53,680 It means that of course Bettina's apartment won't get decorated. 510 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:57,720 It is the end of my career in interior design before it has even begun. 511 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,200 Buildings everywhere might heave a sigh of relief. 512 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:04,040 Oh, God, I don't know why I just don't sack you. 513 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,720 Oh... (CRYING) 514 00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:07,920 Oh, don't be silly, Mum. 515 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:11,080 Where else you going to find someone who makes doing nothing into an art-form? 516 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:13,560 I'm sorry, I had to say that. 517 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,280 It's all right. I didn't quite understand what you meant. 518 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,280 -Is no one going to speak to me? -Shh! 519 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,960 After all, I'll be the one who'll be going to prison. 520 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:32,560 Well, at least you got your table tennis practise in. 521 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:35,800 I need to see my lawyer. 522 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:37,320 I must be allowed to make that telephone call 523 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,120 before my freedom is finally snatched away from me. 524 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,240 (INHALES DEEPLY) That won't be necessary, Miss Stone. 525 00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:45,640 The white powder we found was a perfectly harmless innocent substance. 526 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,600 -(GASPING) -You're all free to go. 527 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,160 I beg your pardon? 528 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,760 You're free to go. Be a bit more careful next time. 529 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:55,640 Oh... 530 00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,680 Just hang on there. I demand that you retest it! 531 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,480 Come back here! I paid a huge amount of money for that stuff. 532 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,200 Don't tell me it was talcum powder! 533 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,200 (THEME SONG PLAYING)