(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Hello?
EDINA: Saffy, it's me. Listen.
Darling, I'm in the isolation tank in my bathroom.
Don't leave the house without telling me, all right?
I want to see if I can last another 15 minutes.
Okay. Uh, a call came through for Patsy, but I couldn't find her.
EDINA: Oh. All right, okay.
There was a call come through for you, Pats.
PATSY: Oh, right. Thanks.
Better get out.
(EDINA SIGHS)
EDINA: Oh, don't go. Oh.
PATSY: Come on, sweetie. You're going to have to get used to
doing it on your own sooner or later.
EDINA: Oh, don't shut the lid. Just keep talking to me. All right?
Don't shut the lid.
-(LID SLAMS SHUT) -Oh...
Good, these, aren't they?
It cost me a fortune. I had to get this shipped from LA.
No one else over here has got one, you know.
Looks like a Robin Reliant.
Yes, we're in the kitchen.
Right. I don't think it would be wise to relate it all to the DNA structure too early.
-Yes. -It's important, too, with a demonstration of this nature
to keep it simple and straightforward.
Especially for those listening.
Yes, even though we know it's really very complicated and difficult.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hi. Look, sorry I'm so late.
That's okay. We're just about to have some lunch.
Massive house!
Oh, yes. Well, it's not really that big. It's just on a lot of floors.
I mean, it is semi-detached. They're all the same in this area.
Oh, well. Great area.
Oh, yes, but my mother bought it before it was nice, though.
Then everybody else started living here.
I mean, Sarah lives just up the road.
Yes.
Where I live, actually, it's just a load of workmen's cottages and council flats.
-Oh, where's that? -Chelsea.
Oh, I mean, you see, uh,
there's lots of homeless people living down our street.
-You know, so... -So, what?
Um, so, I think when I finish college, I'm going to go work with homeless people.
I thought you were going to be an investment banker.
Oh, no, no, no. That's just what Pop wants me to do.
Watch out, Pats. Entering a "No Fun Zone".
A coven.
(GROANS) It's all right, darling, we're just coming down to get a bit of lunch.
We'll take it back upstairs, okay?
Just get a little bit of dry bread and a cup of water and scuttle back upstairs!
Shall we, sweetie?
Hi. I'm Daniel.
Hello, Daniel.
Danny, hello.
Don't let us, uh, disturb you, darling. Huh?
Can I offer anyone a drink? Can I?
Boys, Danny, can I get you something?
Uh, yeah, thanks, um, I'll have a Bud.
A Bud, yeah? You?
Me? (STUTTERS) Oh, uh, a Bud, please.
A Bud. Here we go, Danny.
Sisters Grimm, can I tempt you?
-We don't drink, Mum. -Oh, we don't drink. No, I didn't think we'd drink.
-Champers all right for you, Pats? -Lovely, sweetie.
Here we go.
(SINGING TO HERSELF)
Mum, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the office!
You're hanging around as if you were on holiday.
I know, darling. It's just that...
Well, a little time on my hands at the moment. Bubble's doing everything.
-Bubble? -Yeah, I know, it's strange, isn't it?
But ever since I sent her to that occupational hypnotist she's been...
Well, like a PA, darling. It's extraordinary.
Now, Pats, do we finish off the beluga,
or should we have some smoked salmon and nibbly things?
Oh, whatever, sweetie.
EDINA: All right, we'll finish off the beluga.
Here we go. (SINGSONG) La-la-la...
Are you all right there with your little biscuits and a bit of dried cheese?
Is that all right for you?
You can have anything you want, Danny. The whole house is at your disposal.
-Yes, we're fine, thank you, Mum. -All right, sweetie.
We'll just be over here nibbling away quietly.
You won't even know we're here, darling.
-I'm sorry about that. -It's okay. We understand.
Right, can we go over again how many molecules we're going to actually be using?
-(CORK POPS) -Ooh! (SHUSHING)
PATSY: Oh, sorry, darling.
And how many are we going to reconstruct for the presentation?
Oh, sweetie.
I hear Jane's divorce has come through.
Thank bloody God.
The only thing they're fighting over now is the HELLO! magazine deal.
Well, how much? What are they offering?
Darling, peanuts! 35 grand and she's willing to throw in the kids as well.
-I can't believe it. -It must be worth more than that.
-Her at home with the kids. -I know.
-What's he got, the dog and the house in LA... -He's got the pool, sweetie.
-The pool. He's got the pool, darling. -He's got the pool.
-Can you keep it down, please? -(WHISPERING) Sorry, sweetie.
Sorry, darling.
Do you want to hear some gossip about someone you don't know?
You bet I do!
Oh, actually, no, tell me on the way to the office. I think we'd better go.
Getting looks.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
(MAKING KISSING NOISES)
It's like kissing a spawning sturgeon.
Sweetie! Just because I like having eggs in my mouth...
About the only place she's still got them! Eh, Danny?
See you later, sweetie.
Me and my ovaries are leaving.
-I'm sorry about my mother. -Oh, she's great.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
She was crying so much I had to hang up.
I'll phone back later and get the rest of the story.
Yeah, well, tell her what I said. I'm sure she won't mind that I know.
Right, I'm here. Don't panic. Everything under control.
I'll just finish signing these, then I'll get out of your way.
-Right, do you want me to sign a few of those, sweetie? -No, that's it now.
-Oh, right. -Have you had lunch?
Um, yes, look. Uh, we've had lunch.
I'll get some coffee or wine or champagne sent in.
-Yes, we'll be needing some of that. -Good.
Stuff? Where's all the stuff?
-(TELEPHONE RINGS) -Oh...
(CHUCKLING) Here we go...
-(SIGHS) -BUBBLE: Got it!
You might like to look through this month's selection while I prepare your diary.
Diary? I haven't got a diary. What is she talking about?
I don't have a diary.
What is this?
God, I can't sit here flicking through magazines.
I can't live my life as if I'm at the bloody hairdresser, for God's sake.
Call Diane back and get the rest of the story.
She must have stopped blubbing by now.
Oh, darling, later. I'm busy. Busy!
Well, shall we have a bitch through HELLO! magazine and The Enquirer?
Oh, no...
Oh, come on, sweetie. Catherine Oxenberg, Liz Taylor... Khashoggi!
-No! -Shahpari Khashoggi, darling.
All that money and she's still got a moustache!
Oh, sweetie, one more face lift on this one and she'll have a beard!
And, darling, why do we think Priscilla Presley wears gloves?
-I don't know, darling. -Liver spots, sweetie.
Look, where's Bubble? What's happening here?
What is it? What's happening?
I'll just go through a few of the things in this week's diary.
All right.
Charity. Emporio Armani, drinks, lunch, launch. Gucci opening.
-Mmm. Mmm. Mmm-hmm. -Invites for fashion shows.
Westwood, Hamnett, Jackson, Richmond.
I said yes to all. But you can do Westwood.
Party, party, party, party, party...
Oh, Koo Stark's having a retrospective...
...of work she's yet to do.
-That'll be drinks and a press call. Book launches. -Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
One, Bill Wyman's Coping With Cystitis.
Press call and ribs at Sticky Fingers.
-Party, party, party, movie meetings. -Mmm.
Two, Paula Yates, her book, If I Can't Have A Career, Why Should They?
Oh.
There'll be a party and she will be expressing milk throughout.
Oh, won't go to that one.
Linda McCartney, Joan Collins, Emma Freud, Marie Helvin,
-Ivana Trump, the launch of her new perfume. -Oh, yes.
"The smell lingers longer than he does!"
-Tokyo, Hong Kong, New York, Paris, London... -Did Bruce call?
-Yes, just for a chat. So I had the chat.
Nothing worth you bothering with.
The rest is all bottom of the league stuff, really.
Esther Rantzen, Simon Bates,
Christopher Tarrant, Amanda de Cadenet.
Your car's here.
-Right! -Right. Gotta dash.
You've got everything you need. I'm on my mobile, if you want me.
I'm sort of surplus to my own life now, aren't I, sweetie?
-Hello. Hello, Saffron sweetie. -Hi.
Okay, if you come round tomorrow we'll have one more day before the presentation.
-Bye! -Bye!
The what, darling?
Doesn't matter, Mum.
Don't let her talk to you like that, Eddy. Tell her she's adopted.
What?
It doesn't matter, sweetie.
Excuse me. Can I just do something that's really been irritating me?
Nothing you can tell Patsy about arranging balls, darling.
She was always very good at genetics.
I'm not surprised. She's been a walking sperm bank most of her life.
-Oh, well, I must be off. -Okay...
-We'll leave the room, darling. -Mum, we're just friends.
-Yeah, um, bye. -Bye.
-(SAFFY SIGHS) -Bye, Pats.
-Can I help you with your molecules? -No!
-Mum, please don't touch them. -I won't touch them.
-We could be friends, darling. -I've got friends.
You can't mean those little bits of lichen you had sitting around here today.
God, when I think of the schools that I sent you to, darling!
I mean, the interesting and creative people you could be with now
if you stayed at the...
Bedales, for God's sake!
But, no, you had to send yourself off to your little local grammar, didn't you?
Mum, the people don't get more interesting the more money you lay out.
Oh, they do, darling. Fact of life.
I mean, why can't you just rebel, for God's sake?
I thought I was.
I mean, you and your little gremlin generation here.
I mean, honestly!
What will you ever leave the world?
What will your legacy be?
It won't be anything original, darling. Not like us.
Oh, what did you leave? The lava lamp and the bean bag?
Very little uptight person talking.
Look, Mum, it's not my fault I don't want to loll around naked, painted dayglow,
with a flower stuck in every orifice humping the air to Jefferson Airplane.
It's the Grateful Dead, darling. Get it right.
(WATER RUNNING)
How is it at school, darling?
I'm not at school any more!
Aren't you?
No, I'm at the sixth-form college.
(SOFTLY) Oh, the sixth-form college.
Is that a different place, darling?
Well, a different part of the building.
Oh, a different part of the building.
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)
This project you're doing, darling...
Mum, don't get involved.
Sweetie, I am involved. I'm your mother, I'm interested.
No, you're not. You're bored.
I want to know!
It is a DNA project that we present next week at the Open Day as part of our term work.
All right?
Open Day?
Sweetie? Open Day, darling, is that what you said?
At your sixth-school-form-college? Is that what you said?
-Don't start! -What, next week? What day, darling?
-You're not coming. -I am. I am, sweetie.
Mum, please don't.
No. You have to let me, darling.
I don't want you there.
Oh. Oh!
I see.
Oh, forget it. (LAUGHS) Forget it.
I just can't quite bloody believe the way you bloody treat me sometimes!
I mean, I go out of my way to make life so bloody buggery wonderful, darling!
There's isn't anything you couldn't have!
There isn't anything I wouldn't let you do, darling!
But oh, no! I'm not allowed to come to the bloody poly-wollege Open Day, am I?
Hmm?
Be nice to Mama, sweetie.
Hmm?
Darling, think of what I could do for you, sweetie.
I could get some T-shirts made, couldn't I? For the presentation, darling.
With "DNA Project" on them, sweetie, couldn't I, darling?
Hmm? Video screens?
Catering? What do you want, sweetie?
-Nothing! -Oh, all right. I'll buy the
pollege a bloody swimming pool.
Mum, you're not coming and that is an end to it.
-I am! -You're not!
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
(SHRIEKING) I want to come, I want to come!
(SOBBING)
Right, sweetie, I'm going to go to my isolation tank now.
I may be some time.
I could sink!
Not with your ballast.
Right, darling, I'm going to go upstairs now, sweetie, and I'm going to take some pills
and I'm going to kill myself, all right?
-Okay. Well, let me know how many. -Yes, I will.
-So I don't call the ambulance too soon. -Good thinking.
Sweetie...
If you don't let me come...
I'll adopt a Romanian baby.
I would.
-Mum, don't be so stupid. -No, I would, darling.
That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Huh?
Huh?
I wonder how you go about it. I'll ask Patsy how you'd go about it, shall I?
Hmm? Shall I?
Forcing me to do this now, darling!
-No. -Huh?
I wonder what they look like, Romanians. Hmm?
I'll ask Patsy, shall I? Hmm.
Oh, Danny. Is Patsy there?
Okay, Pats, darling! Look, tell me, what do Romanians look like?
Ivan Lendl! Oh, that'd be nice!
Thanks, Pats.
Mum, you wouldn't dare.
They're in desperate need, I hear, sweetie.
Mum, this is a really sick idea.
Yeah. A little baby. That'll give me something to do,
wouldn't it, sweetie?
-They wouldn't let you. -I could be like Mia Farrow, couldn't I, darling?
I could have more than one.
I always regretted not getting a Vietnamese one when that was the thing.
But now, you know, I could have one in every colour!
One in every room.
-It would last a day! -Oh, what a selfish little person talking now, isn't it?
Huh? I wonder how you do go about it.
I should imagine you have to go to Romania.
Don't be stupid, darling. I'm sure they could send over a selection
and I could pick one.
I'll ask Bubble, shall I?
Shall I ask Bubble about it? Get Bubble on to it, darling?
-Mum, you're not going to do this. -I am.
-Well, go on, then.
-Huh? Huh, huh? -Go on, then.
Ah, Bubble.
If you've got a second, darling, could you adopt me a Romanian baby?
Oh, you could? Oh, good!
No, just send over a selection. I'll pick one.
All right. Thank you.
Happy?
Huh? Huh?
It'll be nice, won't it, sweetie, a little baby?
(IMITATING BABY COOING)
(SINGING A TUNE)
Being a mummy again. I'd like that feeling.
Ah!
(HUMMING)
Bubble! Bubble! What do you mean, she's not taking calls anymore?
Well, this is... Don't you dare put me on hold! (MUTTERS)
(PANTING)
Shit!
Pats! Pats! Emergency!
-Where is she? -Where is the little tapeworm?
I'm sorry. You can't just walk in like that.
-I might have to call security. -Piss off!
You'll be calling yourself an ambulance in a minute. Now where is she?
-She, uh... -Let me smack her in the gob!
Where is she?
She went to New York.
-Well, did she leave a number, anything? -I don't know!
She does everything.
Did she leave a Romanian number? A clue, something?
Nothing. All I know is the Romanian deal went through
and the merchandise is on its way.
Get out!
It's not possible, is it?
Can't happen that quickly, can it, Pats? I mean...
Can it?
I mean, shit, I don't want any babies!
I didn't even really want my own babies.
I mean, it was quite a nice idea at the time, but, Jesus...
They make you think about somebody else the whole bloody time!
-Nightmare, sweetie. -I know.
You won't tell them I said that, will you, darling? I mean, I do sort of...
...quite love them now, you know.
-Of course you do. -Yeah.
I don't want any more, darling.
I better send them back, won't I?
I'll just be able to send them back, sweetie, won't I? Hmm?
Sell them on. Mark them up, sell them on.
(INAUDIBLE)
Oh, God. I mean, honestly. Whole evening in the bloody office!
Oh, darling, look. Throw a couple of these down you
and everything'll look much rosier, darling.
-(EDINA GROANING) -There you are, sweetie.
Oh, my God. There's something horrible on the stairs.
-It's me! -I'm not blind.
-What are those pills? -Don't question me.
Mum?
Darling, they're just hormones so I can breastfeed the Romanians when they get here.
-Mum! -I'm off. See you tomorrow, darling.
All right, 10:00 at Mothercare, Pats.
Mum, you can stop it now.
Stop what, darling?
You can stop pretending.
I mean, I don't believe for a second that you'd go through
with this adoption just to get at me. Would you?
-Uh-huh. -So, you can come to the presentation.
I don't mind.
All right, then.
This is where we hug.
Oh, sorry, sweetie.
-I mean, Romanian babies! -I know. Silly, isn't it? (LAUGHS)
-But on two conditions. -Mmm-hmm.
You never embarrass me beyond what's obviously unavoidable.
And you don't get involved in the actual college.
I wouldn't want to.
(LAUGHS)
Romanian babies!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(SOBBING)
Do you want a car or something? Can I buy you a car?
-No. No. -No? All right.
-A little self-contained flat or something semi-connected? -No.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I do love you, darling, you know that,
despite what anyone like Patsy might say.
-I do. -Goodnight.
Night, sweetie.
Oh, shit!
Do you know where it is?
I think it's down here, dear.
In this direction.
Still no word from Bubble.
(SIGHS)
MOTHER: I'm really rather nervous.
What are you nervous about? Nobody's going to be looking at you.
There's something about the smell of schools.
You've probably forgotten the number of times I was summoned by your headmistress
for your smoking or rudeness or truancy.
We weren't truant, were we, Pats?
(SCOFFS) Believe me when I tell you,
I think I spent more time at your school in that last year than either one of you.
Pats, how much further is it?
Sexy smell, isn't it? Pats!
Takes you back.
Testosterone mixed with cheap perfume.
-Biros and folders... -Mmm.
Your first condom that you hide in your desk with your Lucky Strikes
and your Dr White's.
Fabulous days.
Fabulous days, Eddy.
-There's Saffy. -Hello, darling. Look at Ma.
-Where's the show? -Mum, it's not a show, it's a presentation.
-I need a drink! Where's the bar? -Darling, there isn't a bar.
There isn't a bar, is there, darling?
-No. -What's the talk about, dear?
DNA.
Should that mean anything to me, dear?
-No. -Good. Long as I know.
-Saffron! Is this your mother? -No, this is my gran. This is my mother.
-Oh, pleased to meet you. -Hello.
Uh, the headmaster has asked me to round up a few parents
and take them along to his office to meet him.
We've actually got a few minutes before the presentation starts
if you'd like to come with me.
-Can I bring my friend? -Yes, of course. Follow me.
Going to see the headmaster, sweetie. Good luck.
I've told him you're here. He won't keep you a moment.
All right. Thank you, Mr Johnson.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(SIGHS)
Put that fag out.
Why? I don't care, it's only a college.
What do you think he wants to see us about?
(SIGHS) I don't know, do I? It's you he wants to see, not me.
Can I help you? What are you doing here?
We're just waiting to see Miss Dines.
Take that cigarette out of your mouth, Patricia Stone.
You disgusting little girl!
You two make me sick.
Oh, God, I hate him!
Just stand here quietly, Pats.
-Here. -Oh, no.
-Go on! -I don't smoke...
-What do you think she wants to see us about? -I don't know.
-Don't you dare say anything about me and Tony! -I won't.
You know who you look like?
Cathy McGowan.
-Do I? -You are really pretty, just like her.
Do I?
-You look like Marianne Faithful. -Do I?
-MISS DINES: Come in, now! -(BUZZING)
You dirty,
dirty,
disgusting, revolting
devil children!
They're the ones having it off, not me!
-(BUZZING) -(BOTH EXCLAIM)
Patsy!
Tony?
-Uh... -Edwina.
(CHUCKLES)
Sherry?
Oh, wow! Tony...
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
Hello, sweetie.
Uh, we're just waiting for Mr Simmonds to do the introduction speech.
Oh, all right, darling. Do you want this?
Mother, no.
Sorry, sweetie.
(PATSY LAUGHING)
Right, uh, sorry for the delay.
Now, what is it you're giving us?
-DNA. -DNA!
Well, take it away!
Hey!
(LAUGHS)
Right. Um... Upper 6J have been doing a variety of
science-based projects this year, not all of them curriculum-based.
(MOUTHING INDISTINCTLY)
Um, this term we've been looking at deoxyribonucleic acid or DNA.
DNA is composed of two intertwined strands.
Sorry, may I interrupt?
There's someone here to see a Mrs Edina Monsoon.
Sorry, sweetie. Just carry on. I don't mind.
...two intertwined strands each consisting of a linear sequence of nucleotides.
Genes are the fundamental units of genetic information...
(CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
DNA consists of many hundreds of thousands of nucleotides,
of which only a few are shown here.
Daniel is now going to show how the genetic information
on a specific sequence of nucleotides
corresponds to the sequence of a portion
of the amino acids in the polypeptide chain...
Mum, Mum, this one wants you, too.
(SHUSHING) Be quiet!
-This process is known as protein duplication... -(BABIES WAILING)
-Right, that's it. Get out! Just get out! -I didn't want them.
I cancelled them! I...
-I didn't want them! -(BABIES CRYING)
I hope you'll be coming to more Open Days.
-(TEACHER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) -I don't want them!
(BABIES CONTINUE WAILING)
I don't want to see the foundations of the General Studies...
Oh, God! Oh, God. I don't want to see your bloody foundations! Oh, God!
I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm dead! I'm dead!
-Oh, God! -It's all right, sweetie.
You're just having a little bad dream.
I must've just knocked the lid shut.
(GROANING)
-How long have I been in there? -About 30 seconds.
Okay.
Well, they're quite good then, aren't they?
Well, if you're the kind of girl who likes lying around in a warm puddle.
Hang on. I just have to check something.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Bubble, listen. What is your job?
What's me what?
What is it you do, darling?
I don't really know.
Nothing. Get paid?
Good.
Yes, they're good, aren't they?
I mean, I had to have this one imported from LA, you know.
No one over here has got one.
I heard Fergie had one.
No?
Oh, God! I'll have to get rid of it now!
-Morning, Saffron sweetie. -Morning.
-Danny here, yeah? -Danny who?
Oh... I thought that bit was too good to be true.
-Mum? -EDINA: Hmm, sweetie?
Um... You're not coming to the Open Day, are you?
No. (LAUGHS)
I'll be too busy. You know me. Work, work, work.
(LAUGHS)
So, a bit of shopping this morning?
-Yeah, can we go to Yamishi's new shop? -Oh, have you seen it?
Gorgeous window.
Great huge swathe of white chiffon and terracotta pots.
What's he sell?
Terracotta pots, white chiffon. Maybe both.
Well, I will have to go now, because I got to fit in a high colonic
and a body wax before then.
Mmm. Let's go now. We can discuss Jane Fonda's tits on the way!
-Shall we go? -(BOTH LAUGH)
I hear she can wear them as Mickey Mouse ears!
(LAUGHS)
-Do you want to hear a new joke? -Yes.
You know, it's not in very good taste. -No.
-The thing is this. You know Elizabeth Taylor? -Mmm.
-I hear that she is the new ride at Disney World! -(LAUGHS)