-Morning! -(GROANS)
Hello, death! Hello, oblivion!
What time is it, darling?
10:00.
Oh, God, I better be off.
It's Sunday.
Oh! It's true then, is it?
-Hap... -(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, God!
-Happy Birthday! -Oh, darling!
Oh, God! How old am I?
No, don't tell me darling. I'm...
-I'm... -You're 40...
(SCREAMING)
Oh, God, darling. I don't feel 40.
Well, you don't look...
Oh, thank you.
-Come on, now. It's not the end of the world. -Thank you.
It's just a day like any other day.
Oh, God, it's like I hit an oil patch at 35
and now I'm just skidding towards the grave, darling.
Do I look any different, darling?
Look at my face. What do you see? Who do you see there, darling?
You can lie, you know. I'm just looking for a response here.
Ask Patsy to do that, she's much better at it.
You look like a 40-year-old woman who's just woken up.
Oh, well, I haven't even been asleep, darling. I couldn't sleep.
I could feel the 40-ness coming upon me in the night, darling!
Darling, have a look out the window, are the buzzards circling, sweetie?
-Look, do you want my present and these cards now or later? -Ooh, I don't know.
-They might cheer you up! -For what? I don't know what.
-Oh, look, never mind. -No, you have to speak up, darling.
Messages take longer to reach old brains.
I've got old ears now, darling!
Right, now listen to me. Old ears or not, try and concentrate.
It is your birthday and you have the choice
either to make this hell for yourself and everybody else,
to sulk and feel sorry for yourself, or get up, cheer up and enjoy the day.
(SIGHS) I've made up my mind, sweetie.
If my mother hadn't uncrossed her legs, I could be two weeks younger!
(MUMBLES)
It feels like the end of my life!
Yes, well, it isn't the end of your life.
It may well be only halfway through your life.
And that's not a prospect I find all that thrilling, believe you me!
-Oh, thank you. -Just try and find something to look forward to,
-for God's sake. -Oh, you'd know a lot about it, would you?
You'd know a lot about being 40, would you?
I mean, how often have you ever been 40!
Never, darling, never!
This is something that's happening to me!
Something that I've got to deal with!
All right? I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's me, me, me!
It's my bloody 40th bloody birthday!
God, I need some space, Jesus!
You're not organising a party or anything, are you? Hmm?
Any sort of special treat or anything for me, hmm?
Little treat or something gorgeous? Hope not.
-Not if you don't want it, I'd rather not. -Oh, what? What then?
It was going to be a surprise.
No! No, no, no, darling!
I will not have a surprise, I will not have a surprise party!
If there's gonna be a surprise,
I want to know about it, all right?
So I can decide whether I want to come and what I'm gonna wear if I do come! All right?
Can't expect me just to go to any old bloody party, darling!
No, I don't want a party.
I don't want a party.
I don't want a special, big, huge party with all my friends, darling.
With some celebrities and little Japanese finger food,
and a great band and Tequila Slammers all round at midnight.
Oh, well, I'll cancel that, then.
No, I would like that! I would like that, sweetie! I would!
Aye...
Well, what then? What are you organising? What?
Look, I didn't know what you'd want,
so I've invited a few people round for a family lunch.
Family? What we calling family, darling.
We're hardly the bloody Walton's, are we?
Not just you and my mother, I hope, is it?
Look, will you stop behaving like this, please?
Darling, this is how I behave!
Anyway, I'm allowed to behave however I want on my birthday. House rule, remember, sweetie?
Hmm?
Especially to someone who didn't even think I might like a champagne breakfast!
Not even a bloody cup of tea to wake up to on my birthday!
-No, that would be asking too much, wouldn't it? -Here!
Oh, and don't bother opening it. Throw it straight in the bin,
-which is probably where you'll put it anyway. -Oh, all right.
And I want a list of who you invited and I'm not saying I'll be there.
(THUDS)
Lacroix?
Christian Lacroix!
(GASPING)
Oh, sweetie, sweetie!
Oh, sweetie, darling!
Darling, they're gorgeous! Where did you get them, sweetie?
Hmm? Was it Harvey Nichols, darling?
-Yes. -Wish you'd told me, I can get a discount there, sweetie.
-Do you like them? -Well, darling,
they're hardly the ill-judged tat you normally give me.
I mean, Lacroix, darling. They are Lacroix, aren't they, darling?
They're not just something you put in the box, are they, sweetie?
Do you like them or not?
I like them if they're Lacroix.
Well, they are.
Oh, good. I like them, darling. Thank you.
-Is Pats here? -No.
Then who got that champagne out?
I did, for you.
Well, then pour me a glass, darling.
Don't let it stand there getting warm, sweetie.
And don't pop it, sweetie! Squeeze it! Squeeze it out, darling!
Right.
Oh, sweetie, oh, darling! Help me, sweetie, darling, I'm having a hot flush.
Darling, darling, quickly, feel my skin, feel my skin, feel it!
You're standing too close to the kettle.
(SIGHS) Thought I was drying up there for a minute, sweetie.
I wish you would.
Oh, God, you almost worried me.
Do you think we ought to get some
hormone replacement packs for emergencies?
Do you think so, darling?
I mean, one day, sweetie, you could come home and find me just a little,
toothless old wad of gum on the floor.
You'll have to slap some glands on me, quick. I'll get some, I'll get some.
Oh, God! Well, who have you invited, then?
-Oh, so you're coming, then? -Darling, I didn't say I was coming.
I just said who've you invited. You're forcing me to ask.
-Well, there's you... -(SIGHS)
-Me... -Umph.
-Grandma... -Ugh!
Oh, Granddad's got to stay at home and look after the house.
Oh, I thought he was dead.
-There's Justin. -Ugh!
Oliver and Marshall.
Oh, God!
Overdosing on the ex-husbands, aren't we, sweetie?
Didn't know Marshall was over from LA.
How long's he been over here?
-(GASPS) Is my son with him? Is Serge with him? -No.
Well, where is he?
He's taking lava samples from a volcano in Hawaii.
Well, did you invite him, darling?
I couldn't get hold of him. And, yes, I faxed the volcano.
Honestly, so that's it, then, is it? Hmm?
That's the party list, is it? Huh?
You, an old woman, two bastard ex-husbands,
one with a poisonous, odious boyfriend...
-And Patsy. -Oh, thank God.
-And you. -I haven't confirmed!
What are you doing there, hmm?
What are you doing here?
Making lunch.
Making lunch?
Cooking?
Cooking on our cooker, darling?
Eventually.
Look, why don't you go upstairs and have a bath
and let me get on with it, please?
-Could you use some help or something, darling? -No, please don't offer.
You've only ever used this cooker to light your fags off of.
Darling, that is simply not...
No, it is true.
I thought it might make a change for you to eat some normal food for once.
Darling, I like exotic food. You are what you eat, remember?
-Which makes you a large vegetarian tart. -Oh!
Now, go and take a bath.
Got someone to serve, hmm?
Oh, darling, you have got someone to serve, haven't you, sweetie? Hmm?
Oh, God! Get a couple of Filipinos in!
Oh...
Don't look at me like that, sweetie. They do get paid, you know.
They're glad of it. Hmm?
You can be a socialist and have staff, you know, sweetie, but no.
No, darling, we'll clear up our own plates on my birthday, shall we?
We'll clear up my own plates on my birthday, shall we, darling?
Oh, yes, happy to work on my bloody birthday, are we?
Oh, yes, this bloody birthday that I'm having! Huh?
Well, not much of a bloody birthday so far, is it?
God, you'd think being 40, you could expect a bit more!
Huh? An old pair of earrings!
And miserable old family and friends coming round!
And my son, my one pride and joy, wasn't even bloody invited!
And we're all gonna be forced to eat your cooked food
and clear up our own bloody plates! (GASPS)
Did you just hit me then, darling?
That's illegal, isn't it?
You're not allowed to just hit your parents, darling.
Ow, sweetie! Ow!
Get upstairs now!
Don't bother coming down again unless you can behave! I'm fed up of it, Mum!
(MUMBLING)
I'm sorry, darling.
Not now.
-I don't want to go back upstairs, darling. -Go.
I don't want to go.
I like my earrings, darling.
I'll go and have a bath in them, shall I?
-I'll go and have a bath. -Thank you.
Look what my lovely daughter gave me.
(KISSES)
Lovely earrings. (CHUCKLES)
Ah, they're numb!
(INCOHERENT BABBLING)
(SIGHS)
Happy 40th! Bloody 40th, bloody happy bloody 40th.
-How's it going? -Oh, fine. I've just sent Mum up for a bath.
Why don't you pop up and see her?
Oh, no. Anything I can do?
No.
Anything to cut up or peel?
No. All under control.
-Cook? -No.
-Would you like me to wash anything up? -All done.
Oh! Nothing I can do to help.
Er... I need that bowl.
Oh!
There we are. Not completely useless, you see.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
-Hello! -BO: Hi.
-Hello, Marshall, come in. -Hi, I'm Bo. Sweetie, shall we go in?
-Yeah, yeah. -Okay.
You must be Saffron.
Yes. Saffron.
-Where's your mother? -She's upstairs. She may be down later.
You know, maybe I should pop up and say hi.
Kind of give her a hello hug, tell her I support her, I'm open to her feelings.
Clear the vibes before a bunch of people get here.
BOTH: No.
-Yes, this way. -Okay.
-Uh-oh. I see stairs. Give me your hand. -MARSHALL: Uh-huh.
BO: Step down. Step down.
(MARSHALL SIGHS)
Uh, are you sure you wouldn't like to go upstairs to the sitting room?
No, I like the kitchen.
It's the heart, the warm centre of family life.
-We like it here, don't we, Marshall? -Yeah, yeah.
How is your mother?
Oh, she's fine. You know, the same. A bit wider.
Ah! Right.
And how are you?
Oh, you know, the same.
This is your water, Marshall.
-I see four cubes of ice in it. Is that okay? -Mmm-hmm.
Shall I put it here for you?
Yeah, yeah.
Is that a lemon in it?
-Is this, may I ask, a lemon in Marshall's water? -Not a whole one.
I think it is, dear.
Will you take it out for me?
Of course.
Excuse me! Hi.
Could I get a cloth or a dish or a napkin to put this in?
I think I'll take out a couple of the cubes of ice, too.
-Yeah, that would be nice. -Okay.
I'm gonna take out a couple of the cubes of ice.
This water is really gassy, by the way.
Are you sure you can cope with just pure water, Marshall?
Why don't you have a drink? Excuse me. It's a party. Go on!
Um... No, Gran.
Go on. Just have a little drink. That's it.
Go on. One little drink won't kill you.
You used to like a drink.
Just a little one, go on. Just a little teeny sip of a little drink. Hmm?
Bo!
Marshall, uh... He's had a drug and alcohol addiction problem.
Oh, don't feel embarrassed.
We talk about it really freely.
He used to shoot up.
Oh, dear. Sure?
-I see olives! -Ah.
-These are green olives and these are black olives. -Oh... Ah!
-Shall I pit one for you, honey? -Mmm.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
-You stay and talk to them. -Oh, no.
Stay and talk to them, please
I'd rather kiss a baboon's bottom, as the saying goes!
Hello, sweetheart!
Hello, Dad. Thank you.
-Oliver's here. -Good, I invited you both.
Glad you could come.
Now, I want you to know
that we think it's a very, very brave thing that you're doing.
And whatever happens, sweetie, it's the thought that counts.
-It's the thought that stinks! -She's an old woman, what does she know.
Not that old can't be beautiful and not knowing something isn't causing...
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(HISSES)
(MOTORBIKE REVS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHING)
-Something smells yummy. -OLIVER: Mmm.
What time are we aiming for eating?
Uh, I was aiming for eating 2:00-ish. I haven't got an exact schedule.
Marshall may have to eat sooner.
He's hypoglycaemic, he gets low energy and constipation if I don't mash it up.
(BUZZER RINGING)
Have a crisp.
All right.
There you go.
-Happy birthday, Ed. Looking great. -Thanks.
-Did you see... -Everybody's here. Everybody's here.
-Who's here? -And I've said I'm not going down there, darling.
-Oh, sweetie! -I'm not, but I want you to go down there and get me a drink.
Bring up a bottle or something.
And talk about me a little bit when you're down there, would you?
Champagne, sweetie?
Yeah, Bolly, they'll be on Moet, get the Bolly.
You got it.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
I want you to look around my house again, Justin.
I'm sure I've got something that could go on the Antiques Roadshow.
(EXCLAIMING)
Pay no attention. Don't even look at her.
She was always doing that as a child.
-Rescue remedy! Rescue remedy! -Oh, get off, get off!
(SNARLING)
God!
I didn't realise a party could have dregs before it had even begun.
Here you are.
Thanks, Pats.
Everyone else,
carry on enjoying yourselves at my expense, why don't you? I'm not staying.
Ow!
SAFFY: Are you all right?
Oh, you can see me! I do exist! Oh!
Too late, darling. Come on, Pats.
(HISSES)
(GROANING) God!
How can there be so much pain in this leg and not one single mark, Pats?
PATSY: Hack them with a razor, sweetie, if you want sympathy.
Yeah, I think I should.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
SAFFY: Mum, can I come in?
As long as you haven't come to hit me again, darling.
Are you okay?
(WINCING)
Internal injuries, mainly. You know, darling.
-Where's Patsy? -On the loo.
PATSY: What?
-Are you coming down? -PATSY: What?
We're not talking to you, Pats!
Are you coming down?
Ah, yes, me. What, me?
I have to do everything, don't I?
I have to get up, I have to get changed, I have to come down the bloody stairs!
God, I don't suppose it occurred to anybody to come up and see me? No.
I've been up here for hours on my own, being 40, on my own, darling, being 40!
I mean, I could be 80 years old and dribbling into my incontinence pants
before anyone came up to see me.
Do you have tights and knickers I can borrow, sweetie?
I didn't get home last night.
Second drawer. Second drawer down over there, Pats.
Please come down, we're about to eat.
About to eat, darling, that's hardly the high point, is it?
Hardly a tempting smorgasbord awaiting me downstairs, is there, darling?
Hmm?
I suppose you invited Oliver just to spite me.
-He's Dad's boyfriend, it's right he should be here. -It's my birthday!
Why do you hate him?
Oh, God!
What's the real reason? It's not because he's gay.
Oh, darling, I came to terms with that little fact of life before they had.
All my friends are gay. All my friends are gay!
Well, then why?
(SIGHS)
How long is it taking you to find a pair of knickers there, Pats?
Have you got any G-string, or are they all jumbo?
Oh, darling, there should be a G-string in there somewhere.
Not that I've worn them for a couple of years, not since I caught sight of my back view
trying something on at Harvey Nichols
and thought I was sharing the cubicle with a sumo wrestler, darling.
-Well? -Mmm?
Are you waiting for me to say something, darling?
What have I got to say, tell me, what?
Why you hate Oliver.
Oh, darling, I thought it's perfectly obvious,
I hate him because you like him.
-Oh. -I can see you down there chatting and laughing
and joking with him. (MOCK LAUGHING)
It isn't funny.
I virtually have to plunge headlong down a vertical staircase
to even raise an eyebrow from you these days, don't I, darling?
All right, look, I promise I won't talk to Oliver if you come downstairs.
Oh, darling, I'll come downstairs if you'll change those awful trousers.
Why? You bought me these.
(GASPS)
Those aren't the ones from Benetton! God, darling!
Why do you look like this in clothes? They look different on anyone else
in the world, they'd look different.
How do you do that to clothes?
-Just try and relax and enjoy yourself. -"Relax and enjoy yourself."
I think you'll find they've all got crotches.
-Are you not eating, Patsy? -No, liquid lunch for me, Mrs M.
No wonder you're still thin as a rake.
Men like something to get hold of, you know. Isn't that right, Oliver?
You know, you have a terrific figure.
(MOCKING) "You have a terrific figure."
Gee whiz! Isn't she the cutest thing? What a sweet thing to say!
Mum...
I'll be nice, darling.
Where did you find her, Marshall?
Floating around LA with the rest of the airheads, hmm?
You've been through a few in the past 15 years, haven't you?
Mum, don't. You promised.
Well, darling, we've got to do something to take our minds off
a vegetable bloody mousse, haven't we?
How's the script coming, Marshall?
EDINA: Oh, yeah, how's the script?
Is this the same script you've been developing for the past 15 years, Marshall?
It's at a really exciting stage.
Yes, Marshall just recently signed a new development deal with Paramount.
It's at a very exciting stage.
Shall I do the plates, darling? Shall I clear them away?
-SAFFY: I'll do it. -No, I'll do it, darling.
Shall I work on my birthday, sweetie?
Do not do that in front of me, I'll throw up. Yuck.
(COUGHING)
Heimlich manoeuvre! Heimlich manoeuvre! Clear, I'm trained in this.
(COUGHING)
Darling, I thought I was mad.
No. You are mad.
-What shall I do now that I've cleared the plates? -Just sit down!
Oh, no, I want to work, I want to work on my birthday!
Is there something I could cut up around here, huh?
So, you're in antiques as well?
Yes, Justin and I have a shop.
A shop, that's what you're calling it, is it?
A few miserable old bits of furniture.
You have to ring a bell before they let you in.
Unwelcoming. Vincent Price could take lessons.
I've always wanted to know how they make furniture look so old.
Oh, that's easy, just let it live with Edina for a couple of years.
Usually does the trick.
You know, I love old things.
I really do. They make me feel so centred and warm.
It must be so satisfying, handling antiques.
Well, Justin should know. He lived with one once.
Right, right! That is it! That is it!
Oh, yes, second-hand goods!
Can't keep your hands off second-hand goods, can you, huh?
(LAUGHS) Touche. Cheers, Eddy!
You know, I am sensing a lot of aggression flowing.
-Are you just going to sit here and let me take this? -Just leave it to me.
Gee whiz, you are a bad woman.
-I think he is! -I think we should leave.
I see no point in celebrating the fact
that she's lived so bloody long!
Oliver, sit down.
Are you coming, Justin? No?
-Please... -Well, if you do decide to look for me,
I'll be at the YMCA.
Oh, you're not going, Justin? You're not going? Huh? No?
-I'm here for Saffy! -Oh, you're here for Saffy!
-I hope you're happy. -Yes, warming up, darling. One down.
Forty years. God! It's like my life's been lived and I don't know how.
I've got this house, all the things in this house.
I've got a child and two ex-husbands sitting downstairs.
I don't know how I got them.
I don't know if I want them any more, you know.
I want to be at home,
with my record player and my posters
and not wearing make-up without frightening people.
I went to a party the other night, Pats.
I thought I looked so gorgeous, so cool, darling.
And I just flirted and was loud and gorgeous all night, you know.
I was Kathleen Turner, Marisa Berenson, everybody.
I came home, I looked in the mirror and I was entirely annihilated.
My hair had sort of gone flat
and parted itself in the middle, a little food here.
I don't know how long the food... All night, probably.
No lipstick, eyes like pinholes.
I looked like a 200-year-old Red Indian, dead dwarf.
She's not handling this 40 thing too well, is she?
I mean, golly, I wish I could tell her, it's no big deal.
I had a ball on my 40th birthday.
I felt really strong, really sorted out about it.
I realised what a wonderful, lucky person I was.
And whether in your 30s or your 40s,
you're still the same gorgeous person. Enjoy life!
When will you be 50?
(GASPING)
She hasn't started 50-therapy yet.
Oh, dear. (CHUCKLES)
God, I hate Morgan Fairchild.
I hate Jane bloody Fonda.
I hope all their old skin comes back to haunt them.
I bought that bloody woman's tapes.
I paid for those plastic domes on her chest.
I want them when she dies.
You know, there must be a moment about a week after death,
when all those women finally achieve the figure they desire.
Skeleton-thin with plastic bumps.
-Flesh will rot away, but the bumps will still be there. -Yes.
-Little coffins full of bones and bumps. -Yeah!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Can I just have a quality moment here?
Can I?
No, really, I just want to stop here and say...
Could we hold hands?
Oh, please, no.
Come on, everybody. Hold hands. Feeling circle.
I just want to say thank you
to whatever being or entity brought us together on this special day.
-Yes, that's enough, now, Bo, we know why we're here. -Okay.
Duty.
I'm here for my daughter.
It's got to be more than that.
I mean, both you and Marshall married her.
Obviously, it was an error on Marshall's part, he was weak.
He was stoned!
It was the worst trip of my life!
Why you ever married her, Justin, I'll never know.
-Gran! -Well, she was... I mean... I had...
Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time anyway.
She was going through a bad patch.
At least you got away without being sucked dry.
I'm paying child support for a child I'm supporting!
And I'm paying for this house! What do you think of that?
I'm paying for this house!
-How much? -Let me handle this, Bo.
-Well, get to the point. -How much?
-She said she got nothing from you! -Nothing?
Nothing! Marshall pays plenty.
Bo, I'm handling this! I pay plenty!
Goddamn!
Dad, what is it?
I'm just going to talk to your mother.
This is it. See, honey? It's not over.
I mean, how much money could she possibly need?
She's got a tiny little daughter who hardly eats anything.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(LAUGHING)
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
You know today is bloody No-Smoking Day.
You don't do No-Smoking Day.
Don't do a bloody... Don't do bloody No-Drinking Day, do they?
Or No-Shooting-People Day.
No.
Or No-Wearing- Bloody-Awful-Clothes Day.
-Do they? -They don't do
Nobody-Can-Be- A-Bloody-Boring-Old-Fart Day, do they?
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
JUNE: Knock-knock.
Saffron wants to know, are you going to be long in there,
burning joss sticks?
As if I didn't know.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
It sounds like more fun in there, dear.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Come on, Pats.
ALL: ...39, 40!
-She's not gonna like this. -Here she comes, here she comes.
(ALL SINGING) ♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday, dear Edina
♪ Happy birthday, dear Mum
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
Ah, sweetie!
-Can I just say one little thing? -Yeah.
Every life is more or less a trashcan
among whose garbage we have to look out what that person ought to have been.
-Do you want me to deal with her? -No.
In with anger, out with love.
Are you still here, darling? Are you still here?
I have to give you your present!
Oh, presents! Yes! It's my birthday! I get presents, don't I?
Already I've got this gorgeous pair... Pair of earrings.
-Where's the other one gone? -Down the toilet.
Oh, I didn't like them, anyway. From my lovely daughter.
Lovely little thing from Pat.
So, Marsh,
where's my pres?
Sweetheart...
I have the gift... Many more.
What the buggery bollocks is this?
Huh?
It's a copy, a signed copy of my book on ancient oils.
-Next! -Aren't you very insulted by that, Marshall?
I've lived with her, believe me, that's flirtation!
Where's my present?
It's in the hall!
-Oh, in the hall! -Yes!
I hope it's not an old piece of furniture again.
Come on, Pats, let's check it out. It's in the hall!
Done, dear, we're nearly there, I think she's had almost a perfect day.
-This money thing is not done with. -We'll sort it out.
-Do you understand me? -We will sort it out.
-Do you understand me? -Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
All right, just checking.
(KARAOKE MACHINE PLAYS)
♪ They say our love won't pay the rent... ♪
I'm Cher, Patsy. I'm doing the Cher bit.
(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BOTH SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
♪ Wheel's on fire
♪ Rolling down the road
♪ Best notify my next of kin
♪ This wheel shall explode
Words, Pats, words.
I've done an inventory of the house.
I couldn't get into the filing cabinet, its locked.
But I own most of the things in this room.
That does it then, it's time to bring in the lawyers.
Listen, I'll deal with the lawyers tomorrow.
We have a great man in LA.
Just leave it to me.
♪ Wheels on fire
♪ Rolling down the road
♪ Best notify my next of kin
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪
(INDISTINCT TALKING)