Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut!
You're "tutty", darling!
When Patsy comes in,
I want you to treat her with a little bit of respect.
All right?
Click, flash, flash, click, flash, flash, flash,
click, click, click, flash, flash, flash!
Guys, guys, guys! Just give me a break, darlings,
just give me a break! I have a life to lead!
Click, click, click. This way, Patsy!
Fellows, fellows, fellows!
Sweeties darling,
can you just leave me alone? CAMERAS CLICK
Click, click, click, flash, flash, flash!
Click, click, click! Patsy! Patsy! Patsy!
EXASPERATED SIGH
You all right, darling? SIGHS
You're not letting this get to you, are you?
No, of course not.
- Little bit of Bolly? - Yeah, just a smidge. Oh!
- Are these today's? - Yes, sweetie.
- Anything in them? - Not much, darling, no.
"MP in drug-crazed sex romp shock with fash mag slag."
- Damn! - I know.
Well, there is that, thank you very much, sweetie.
Well, in fact, you're front page in most of them, darling,
but it has only been a day, you know.
Oh. I mean, who could still possibly be interested
in reading all this?
His wife?
Listen, Saffy, I am the victim in this case!
I mean, he's just using me for publicity,
he's riding on my back
to get his pathetic little face in the papers!
Exactly, sweetie.
Patsy's had the hassle and trauma.
She's been forced to leave her flat, darling.
Forced?
Even the cockroaches left that hole of their own accord.
Ta!
They are trying to make out, darling,
that Patsy is some kind of sex-crazed, morally corrupt,
drunken high-class prostitute, darling!
Pretty accurate, so far.
Look at this.
READING
"Orgy of alcohol and sex near MP's home."
Ridiculous!
Those bastard, scum,
- filth of the press, darling! - Bastard, bastard!
Well, make up your mind. One minute they're scum,
and the next, you're giving them lunch
and pouring booze down their throats
- in the great name of PR! - Booze!
Booze, sweetie? Booze, darling?
Is that what they call it down at the uni bar,
booze, sweetie, is it?
Will you be popping in there, darling,
after a hard day's lecture
for some "half a pint of shandy" booze?
Some pork scracklings?
Oh, God! Where was I?
Ugh.
"Illicit passion for MP's posh clothes mag gal pal." Oh, God!
"Shocked wife of MP keeps silent."
- BOTH: Bitch! - Bitch!
"Queen furious"... That's not you.
Oh, well, heigh-ho! Let them write what they want.
"Continued on page five"...
I mean, I shall just rise above it.
I shan't let this thing affect me...
in...
Bastard! No, no, no!
Darling, what? Quick, what, what? Show, show, show!
- "Close sources..." - No, further, further!
"...Patsy Stone..."
SHE GASPS Yes!
STUTTERING: "47"!
Ahhh!
I'll sue!
Well, how old is she?
I'm 39!
And I'm an ovum!
It's just not fair!
Another pig-ugly MP making a fool of himself
with some scrawny old hooker, I see!
Old, old, old, old!
Nothing like a good old sex scandal.
Bit more exciting than the ones in my day.
God, what was it in your day?
"Woman shows ankle to chimney sweep shock"?
You know, in my day...
Your day? Which century was that?
In my day, there was a sense of style
about the whole thing, you know.
Christine Keeler and Mandy Rice-Davies,
gorgeous little women who kept their mouths shut
and just looked gorgeous
and gave the whole thing an air of dignity.
You know, that's the way I shall play it, Eddy.
Not like these two-a-penny tarts of recent times.
Kiss and tell, blurt it all out
for the promise of a quick buck and instant fame.
Not me, sweetie, my lips are sealed!
You'll do magazine, HELLO! though?
- Oh, yeah! - Yeah.
Yeah, might as well do it in the comfort of your own home.
DOORBELL RINGS SHE GASPS
Eddy, Eddy, the people from are here! HELLO!
Hello.
That's right! Antonia.
Oh, it's interesting.
Rustic! Ethnic!
Would you like to follow me into my gracious drawing room?
Sweetie darling,
can you just stop that a minute and come and help me here?
I can't unwrap all these things.
They're all objets from my shop, darling,
so keep the price tags showing.
The woman from magazine is here HELLO!
and I haven't finished decorating the room.
Why bother?
Because, sweetie, what you can't tell about a person
by what they have chosen you should see
on their coffee table isn't worth knicker elastic.
What do you think, darling?
Look, look, look. What do you think?
It's an Eskimo papoose!
Huh?
Don't look like that, sweetie.
Any chance for a quick buck in the Arctic,
they tip the babies out and ship 'em down, I tell you.
You know, I think it's going to be really great
if you move into halls.
I'm really, really enjoying it.
I mean, it takes a little while to get used to it.
You know, all the noise and everything.
Like other people coming and going all the time
and other people's sound systems.
Hmm. Sounds like home.
But you've got to get used to it if you're moving in.
MOUTHS: Moving in?
Would you like another Aqua Libra?
Um...
I don't suppose you've got any low-alcohol cider, have you?
Cos that's what everyone's drinking at the moment.
Um, well, no, actually, I don't drink.
Oh! You should give it a try. It's brilliant!
You know, last night, at a party, I drank a whole can!
Now, where am I?
I'm sorry?
Where am I here?
In my gracious drawing room.
No. I mean, where is this?
Shepherds Bush?
Holland Park! Holland Park!
It's not the outskirts either.
It's not the edge of Holland Park.
This is the rich heartland of Holland Park here.
All right? Is the photographer here yet?
No, we never do photos on the same day. Next week.
It's over a 70-foot drawing room, west-facing garden.
£1.5 million.
Right. Let's, um, kick off, shall we?
Is it important to have lovely things around you?
- Yes. - Yes.
Is it a miracle that you are walking again?
It is a miracle that I can walk at all.
I bless the wonder of life
and the newness of living.
Ow!
Jed might be around tomorrow night,
as, um, he and I sort of hang out a bit, you know.
Catching up on lecture notes and that sort of thing.
- Ooh! - No, nothing like that!
I know what you're thinking!
You may be sorely disappointed there.
Although the other night...
..he did get locked up in our part of the halls...
Poor bastard!
And he did have to sleep on the floor in my room, but...
Only cos he couldn't chew through the restraints
with his bare teeth, I should imagine.
You see, Jed's really, really lovely...
Honestly, can you just shut Titicaca here up for a second?
Sweetie, hold my hand. Ahh!
Ooh, ahh! Oh! That's better, now, that's better.
Now listen, you.
I said you could go to university, darling.
I did not say you could move into the residential home.
I'm only thinking of moving into the halls of residence
because it is easier for me, all right?
Easier for you! Easier for you?
God, I can see the headline now, can't you, sweetie?
"Home alone mother left to fend for herself...
"..while good-time daughter shacks up student-style.
"'I left her with a neighbour and friend', she said."
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, God, I can't...
SHE SOBS
Help Mama, sweetie.
Help Mama, darling. Ahh!
And when will the baby be born?
Do you hope to have a big family?
Oh, of course, how stupid of me!
Those questions were transparently
for a much younger woman.
And you're not Annabel Croft?
No, I'm Patsy Stone.
Stone...
Oh!
Did your life change much after Basic Instinct?
Ja? Bonjour, oui, oui?
Just put me... TRYING TO SPEAK GERMAN
Oh, God! Four bloody languages and they can't specialise 'em.
Just put me through to Zermatt! Zermatt!
Who are you calling?
My doctor, Philip, darling. He's skiing in Switzerland.
YELLS: Hello? Hello, Philip?
Yes, it's Edina. Mmm?
You know this foot of mine, darling?
Yeah, I've just bashed it on the doorframe,
it's very painful. Huh? Huh?
Oh, God, he's just hit the grand slalom.
I can't hear him for wind noises.
Eddy...
Oh, Pats, darling, how did it go?
Do these work?
For how old, sweetie?
35.
You might need a few more for 35, I think, darling.
Well, how much more?
A bungee jump with the elastic tied to the back of your head
should get that all back into shape.
Yes, yes, swoosh, swoosh...
Yes! Swoosh, swoosh!
Yes, yes, yes, oh, oh...
Operation...
Darling...
Hospital, yes...
All right, all right. Thank you.
SHE SIGHS
Did you catch that, darling?
I've gotta go to hospital.
Hospital, Eddy? I'll come with you.
All right.
God! I'm gonna have to pack
and order the ambulance and everything.
Why don't you take your car?
Because, sweetie, I do not pay huge insurance premiums
so I can just drive myself to hospital, all right?
And not stay overnight, OK?
Come on, Pats!
Which one shall we go to? Hmm? Cromwell? Heritage?
Champneys?
- Ooh, yeah. They got a pool? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
EDINA: Ow, ow!
Don't just put me straight in, circle around a bit.
There's nothing worse than not being able to see the person
being put into the ambulance.
Oi!
What about me? I'm sick, too, you know!
OK, OK, here she comes. MP's tart in mercy dash.
SIREN BLARES
REPORTER 1: Excuse me. REPORTER 2: OK.
REPORTER 3: This way, Patsy! Smile!
That's nice! Smile this way!
Patsy, how are you?
I'm fine, I'm just here with a sick friend.
10 grand for the story, exclusive, know what I mean?
I regret to inform you
that I've already given that exclusive to magazine. HELLO!
How long am I going to sit here, Patsy?
I'll send someone out to get you, sweetie.
REPORTERS: Over here!
Turn round, Patsy!
Patsy, nice smile!
Excuse me, I'm the sick one!
Excuse me, I'm the sick one.
MUSIC PLAYS ON TELEVISION
- No bloody mini-bar! - Oh!
That's hard to credit, isn't it, really?
Oh, let's not have the TV on, darling.
What is this? Morning television?
No, sweetie, it's worse than that.
It's mid-morning bloody television, isn't it?
Patronising women, castrated males and Welsh cartoons
till people who like a gin and tonic
get home at 6:30, darling. Turn it off.
- Gin and tonic, Eddy! - Oh, gin and tonic, sweetie!
You order it, sweetie. I'm just gonna check out the bathroom.
Have you got any pain at the moment, dear?
Oh, yes, yes.
LAUGHS: Mary! Mary! Come in here a minute and look at this!
Mother of God! What is it?
You know, my daughter
could get away with wearing something like this!
Yes, well, maybe she could get away with it,
but I doubt very much if she'd be able to afford it!
Well, she's only three years old.
Look, just furnish us with the appropriate drugs
and then leave the room, please.
For the laugh you've given us,
it's the least we can do for you.
Now, how about some Distalgesic?
Distalges... Is that all right, Pats?
- Wash 'em down with brandy! - Yeah.
I want a drip and a little heart bleep machine here.
All right?
I've seen Casualty, I know what goes on.
Now, have you any pain?
No, but I'm still paying.
You got that stuff they use in Awakenings?
L-Dopa.
L-Dopa, yes, two of those on the rocks,
and give me some cigarettes.
Benson & Hedges or Marlboro?
Both. And bring me the wine list.
- WHISPERS: Hey! Is that... - Is it?
- Is that her? - I believe so. Yeah.
Hello, dear. I thought I recognised you!
That's that old slag in the papers last week!
Then there are these lovely recherché kilim slippers.
Lovely!
And chairs, I thought, might be quite interesting.
I've got a friend who's got a shop
with some lovely chairs in it.
- Jocasta? - Yes.
And she believes chairs are as important to civilisation
as a masterpiece.
Or something. I wrote it down somewhere.
So we could print that up and do some lovely... Photos.
Ugh!
SHE SIGHS
God, you'd think they'd send a doctor in by now, wouldn't you?
Huh? I just might be dying here.
Wouldn't you, sweetie, huh?
Oi! Darling! Sweetie!
Visitor. Visit, visit!
God, she's got two people with her. Two!
Those aren't Patsy's friends, are they?
No, darling, they're from the magazine.
What's she having done? Has she decided yet?
Must be hard to find a priority on a face like that.
Oh, sweetie... She's having a little face peel
and some eyelid rejuvenation, all right?
Oh, God! Don't you ever go off duty?
What do you want?
Oi! More champagne!
Can mine be a Buck's Fizz?
And some nibbles!
- Is this your daughter? - Yes.
Well, maybe there's a God after all.
Mary!
Don't you dare!
Don't you dare! Now look, I demand to see a doctor!
Mr Simpson will be round in a minute.
Mr Simpson! Mr Simpson!
I want a proper doctor in a white coat
who's gonna take me seriously
and give me some more painkillers now, all right?
- Right, Mrs um... - Monsoon.
- I'll be operating on your... - Foot.
..tomorrow morning.
Hold my hand, darling,
he could be the caretaker for all I know.
We could do this under local.
Not a very serious operation. Be very quick.
Local? Local anaesthetic? Are you mad?
God, what is this, Eastern Europe?
You won't feel any pain.
I might not be able to feel it,
but I'll still be able to see it!
I'm not totally lacking in imagination, you know!
I want total sensory deprivation
and backup drugs, all right?
Believe me, she's much happier unconscious.
- I'll see you tomorrow. - All right.
Nurse, I know I should see that lumpy-breast woman now,
but great friends of mine are having a drinks party.
WHISPERS: Face-lift.
Ah, it'll be a doddle.
Just grab her by the scalp, shake her up and down a bit
and chop off the slack.
Tomorrow.
Oi, you!
Bitch-nurse.
You just keep me on the threshold of pain.
I want some more painkillers.
Look, I had two tiny little paraplegics or something
in this cup over an hour ago.
And don't look at me like I'm mad,
I know you've got Valium out there!
Have you tried this?
It's "a triple-acting alpha-hydroxy
"acid natural complex
"to reactivate your skin,
"making you scientifically more beautiful"!
Sounds good.
Mmm. Dermatologist and ophthalmologist tested,
nonallergen...
I don't know what this means,
but it's forcing me to believe it!
Yes.
I think that's bloody rubbish.
You know, if you want a face peel,
you want the full-strength sulphuric acid skin-stripper!
It's the total beauty experience.
Gnarled old oak trees have been wheeled into this hospital
and gone out as saplings.
Look, it says in the brochure.
Breast enhancements, oh!
That's an operation!
Of course it's an operation.
Oh!
I thought it was just something to do with good lighting!
All this fuss they're making about implants these days!
Breasts have been blown out of all proportion.
I mean, who wouldn't put up with a not-entirely-unpleasant
trickling sensation
and a slight crystallisation around the lower abdomen
for that amount of cleavage, huh?
SHE CHUCKLES
- Oh, Magda! - Hello, Pats. How are ya?
Unlucky business with the MP.
Still, the thing HELLO! should sort all that out.
Right, I better make this quick,
I've got a lingerie opening and a feminine wash launch
to get to by 6:00.
And all this with my extended working champagne lunch
with Anouska bloody Hempel floating about here.
Right, this month I want articles
about how lovely spending money is.
Expensive things are better, cosmetics are great.
I want money, money, money, spend, spend, spend.
I don't want to see any more photos of gormless skeletons
with no brains, no make-up and no bloody tits.
Promoting bored teenagers won't sell a Chanel suit.
- Too thin. - Too young.
Hmm. If the models get any younger, Pats,
they'll be chucking foetuses down the catwalk.
Right, we need new photos of everyone -
staff, editors and writers -
to go at the front of the magazine.
Stupid bloody idea, but everybody's doing it.
Well, I'll get the chap HELLO!
to do a head and shoulders of me.
Good. I blame the papers, meself.
They've started the trend.
Journos with egos. Oh, I don't like them.
It's bad enough having to read most of the crap
that's written without having to look at a photo
of the bastard that wrote it.
These are the shots I had done, I don't care what I look like,
it's the attitude.
Oh, Magda, who did these?
Bailey, O'Neill, Lichfield - no crap.
It seems a pity to use just the one.
Couldn't we make a feature, "Our editor"?
Yes.
And then we could use all these lovely, um...photos.
And then each week do the same with all of us.
Yes.
Chairs. Chairs might be nice.
- What, are you going? - Yes.
Home?
No, I'm going to the party at the halls.
Oh.
So you won't be here when I come round, then?
For the first time in my life, no.
Oh...
What's that?
It's just for the room-warming.
Look, Mum, just don't be happy or pleased or anything.
Darling! Low alcohol...
Gah!
Oh, God...
- You all right, Pats? - Yeah, darling. You?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not nervous, are you, darling?
No, not a bit. I can't wait.
The day after tomorrow, my life begins again.
Goodbye, ageing obscurity and magazine . HELLO!
Take more than two of those to knock me...
- Did you take the pre-med? - She took everything we had!
Come on, don't be silly!
EDINA: No, no, no, no! I want them!
Don't be silly!
Now, count to 10, slowly.
One...
DOCTOR: She's gone. NURSE: Praise the Lord!
HEART BEATS
Ah! Edina, my dear!
You're awake.
It's sad news, I'm afraid.
The doctors say there is nothing they can do.
Brains is working on the formula,
but he may not have enough time.
I'm very sorry.
Your friends and family are here.
Patsy!
You're Mandy Rice-Davies! Where's Patsy?
No, sweetie, it's Patsy. This is a dream.
- How do I look, Pats? - Wonderful!
You never seem to age.
I've always been jealous of that!
SIGHS: It's just bone structure, Pats.
My whole body just hangs off these cheekbones.
Don't die, Eddy!
You're my touchstone, Eddy!
I think I should see my family now.
Saff?
Saffy, darling!
Sweetie, you wore the Lacroix!
Yeah.
Yeah. I'll always wear my Lacroix from now on
when I'm in town, Ma.
Yeah, and I've decided not to go to university.
EDINA: Oh, good.
I'll gonna bum around Europe, experimenting with drugs,
wearing frayed denim for as long as it's fashionable.
And then take a flat in Paris. Just be a famous artist.
EDINA: Yes, darling.
And people will know that I owe it all to you.
Thank you, darling!
I know we've had our little ups and downs, sweetie, but...
..I had always...sort of love you, you know.
Is your father here, sweetie, is Justin here?
Papa's just here, Mama.
EDINA: Justin...
You can't die,
you wonderful woman, you! I won't let you!
- Tell me you're not gay! - No, I'm not.
I used that as an excuse.
When we split up, I knew I'd never find another woman
that could take your place.
I didn't want another woman!
I shall, of course, be sending a letter to this effect
to all those bitch friends of yours
who said, "I told you so."
And it will be in print, in the obituary in The Times,
which they will print by mistake
because I'm sure you're gonna pull through!
Is my son here? Is Serge here, my pride and joy?
Ma, he's taking weather readings in the Arctic.
Yes, I faxed the North Pole.
SHE CHOKES
Oh, my God!
Where are the nurses? Somebody must be doing something!
Hi, honey! The doctors tried to stop me
but I said, "You give that chick anything she needs."
I'm from Detroit and I don't mess around.
Now, what d'ya need, sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll?
Rock 'n' roll!
BASSLINE OF CAN THE CAN
# So make a stand for your man, honey
# Try to can the can
# Put your man in the can, honey
# Get him while you can... #
Your mother is here.
Yes, Mummy's here, Eddy.
What's she doing here? Ugh!
I was just passing, dear.
Goodness, you're looking young.
You hardly seem to have changed since you were a little girl.
You're not looking so bad yourself!
In fact, I thought you'd be a lot older.
It's my bone structure, dear.
Your whole body hangs off my cheekbones!
SAFFY: Don't give up, please!
# Come alive! Yeah!
# Down in Devil Gate Drive
# So come alive! Yeah!
# Down in Devil Gate Down in Devil Gate... #
Get off, get off!
Ugh, ugh!
Mrs Monsoon, how are you feeling?
SHE SIGHS
Oh, God! What are you doing here?
Oh, I was visiting someone from my bridge club, dear.
Just down the corridor.
So I thought as I was passing I might...
- as well just...look in. - My foot, my foot!
I must see the scar!
Is that it?
- Huh? - Yes!
Wasn't very much in the end. Not even a toenail, in fact.
Well, what then?
Well, we removed this.
It's an acupuncture needle.
Must have worked its way down.
But I've only ever had cranial acupuncture!
God!
How many organs has it harpooned
on its way down there?
I've become a needle dumping ground!
Well, put a bandage on it at least, you!
God, where's Patsy?
SHE SIGHS
How fantastic!
ANTONIA: At her tasteful London home,
which she decorated herself,
I met the lovely, internationally renowned
fashion editor, Patsy Stone.
PATSY: I love to collect things.
There's nothing I like better than shopping for knick-knacks.
ANTONIA: Patsy nibbled a humble salad
and sipped an Evian water.
PATSY: I like to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
ANTONIA: It's hard to believe that Patsy is 39 years old.
- She looks so young. - PATSY: Thank you.
ANTONIA: So young. PATSY: Thanks.
ANTONIA: Young... VOICE ECHOES
Wake up, Miss Stone.
The operation is over. A complete success.
I'll just pop in to see poor old Patsy, dear.
I think I heard them wheel her back in.
Patsy! It's only me! May I come in?
Go in, Mrs M. I think you're in for a very pleasant surprise.
SHE GASPS
MOUTHS: What's up?
SHE SCREAMS
- Sweetie! - Oh, no!
Oh, God!
Oh, no!
Oh, Eddy! Eddy!
- Get the doctor! - Don't leave her here!
She's NHS. NHS. NHS!
Never mind, darling.
Oh, heigh-ho, huh?
You're not crying, are you, darling?
No, sweetie,
it's just this little wound under my eye won't heal.
Little wound this side won't heal either.
Eddy! SHE SOBS