# Wheels on fire
# Rolling down the road
# Best notify my next of kin
# This wheel shall explode... #
Well, I'm not going into the office today
because Bettina and Max are coming
and I've got to clear the whole house up for them, darling.
Anyway, did I tell you? Bubble is not there any more. She's gone.
I mean, someone offered her a
pathetic junior post at Marie Claire,
so I accepted for her.
Let them pay her, darling, while we've got no work on.
So, uh, darling sweetie...
Sweetie?
Darling?
Oh, God...
(GASPS)
(FOOTSTEPS)
(FLY BUZZES)
-SAFFY: Mum? -(SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
What are you doing? What's the matter?
Don't you ever do that again, darling.
Don't you ever just go and leave me on my own like that.
I was upstairs.
What were you looking at?
-Nothing, sweetie. -Nothing?
(SIGHS)
You were checking the fly, weren't you?
-I have to, darling. -I didn't think you still did that.
It's been ten years since you saw that film,
and Jeff Goldblum is now full-sized, wingless,
and living happily ever after in LA.
I know that, darling.
But you'll be laughing the other side of your face
the day you squash something with a little tiny human head
against that window, darling.
As it screams out, "No, no, I'm a professor of physics.
"Take me back to my laboratory."
You'll wish you were a Buddhist then, darling.
What drugs were you taking last night?
-Patsy had them, not me. -What?
I said, Patsy had them.
Why are you looking at me? Why is it always my fault?
Patsy had them, darling. Patsy had the Ecstas...
Ecstasy, sweetie.
I just said no. No, to drugs, no.
Something kept you going till 3:00 this morning.
Just a little coke, sweetie.
Mum, as you've got Bettina and Max coming to stay,
and I've got a lot of work to do in the next few days,
I thought I might move into the halls of residence.
Oh, oh...
Well, you're just going to leave me, are you? You're just going to go?
You're not going to stay around and help me, darling? You're just going
to go? No, well, all right, then. Just go. Go on. Just go.
There's plenty of food in and the spare bedroom is clean.
Oh. Bugger, bugger, bugger bugger, bugger.
Bollocks, darling.
What?
Well, darling, I was going to totally refurnish the spare room.
(SIGHS) You don't seem to realise, darling.
-Bettina and Max are coming. -So?
Bettina, darling. The queen of minimalism.
I mean, look. Look at how I'm dressed today. Minimalist, darling.
I mean, she's coming here to London. To this, darling.
She's going to think this is what I think is so great.
Objet central. This, you. All this clutter, darling.
Well, tidy it up then, if you don't like it.
I will.
Surfaces, darling. Where have all my surfaces gone? Huh?
I just want clean lines and surfaces.
I don't want this, darling. Look. I don't want this.
I don't want things on places like that. Things on places.
I don't want that.
-Is this yours? -Yes.
Could it not be left around? Does it not have a home to go to?
Ooh. That could have been you talking then, Saffy.
-Oh, God. What do you want? -Hmm?
God, I got enough trouble with surplus furniture
without occasional old people scattered around the place.
Have you seen my Take a Break, dear? I left it here last night.
For someone else to pick up, did you?
-It's over there, Gran. -Oh, thank you.
-Eat it, clear it. Eat it, clear it. -Stop it.
Let me finish and then I'll help you. Don't get in such a state.
(DOORBELL BUZZING) Now who's that? Someone else to fill my house up.
Now... Here we are.
"How to win a lifetime's supply of
"tough melamine stylish garden furniture."
You haven't got a garden, Gran.
Oh, no. But, they don't know that, dear.
-Morning, Eddy. -Morning, darling.
(WHINES) Oh.
No, no, no. You're going to have to go. Come on.
You're going to have to go. Come on. Have to go. Come on, come on.
But, dear, I've just...
Just close your sad rag and clear. Come on.
-Are we having lunch, Ed? -No, I'm too busy.
Close. Close. Close.
Bettina and Max are coming to stay for a few days.
Oh, Bettina! How is she?
You two used to get on so well, didn't they, Patsy?
-Did they? -Oh, yes.
And I encouraged it, dear.
Far more suitable as a friend than poor, dear, sad, old Patsy.
-She was such a neat girl. -Neat?
She was so anally retentive,
she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.
Hi.
This is great.
We like it.
We think it's the new millennium.
We're really comfortable here.
We feel it's...
..progressive.
I bought you this.
I want to show you my jewellery collection.
I've taken inspiration from the new electrographic architecture.
Come and sit down.
Max, have you seen it?
-It's in a white box somewhere. -A white box?
(CLANKING)
Leave it, leave. Don't...
You shouldn't have come, you know. You shouldn't have come.
I should have sued. I was cut to ribbons. I was scarred for life.
Extraordinary how it managed to hit you in exactly the same
place behind each ear.
-Sweetie! -Go on, Eddy, go on.
What?
Go on. Go on. You were going to tell this little trail of cat-sick
that I was badly injured. And not to question me.
No, I wasn't, darling.
I was going to say, sweetie, if you want to be of some help
to Mama, go upstairs go and clear surfaces. Go on, darling.
Take her with you, take her with you. Clear her. Clear her.
Neater, neater, neater.
Well, you could go, too, you know, darling.
No lunch, then, Ed?
Well, not unless Bettina arrives early,
in which case I shall have lunch with her.
(WHINING) Can I borrow the car?
No, it's picking Bettina up from the airport.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
-What's the matter? -I'm not happy.
-Take the car. Just go. Go. -I don't want the car.
Just go and be unhappy somewhere else. Go on.
(BOTH MUTTERING)
-Don't touch me. -Just...
Oh, just bugger off. Go on. Bugger off.
(CLANGING)
Saff. Saff.
Did you go to the spas last week?
In Florida. Yes. I did the fasting cure.
Oh? Cure? Is it to cure you of fasting or something?
Well, it does that, of course, but really it was to lose weight.
Oh. That sounds good.
Is it expensive?
-How do you mean? -Oh. Well, does it cost a lot?
-Oh, £500. -Mmm? What do you get for that?
Absolutely nothing.
It's taken all bloody day to do a journey
that takes a couple of hours.
How many bastards need to look at my ticket
and then stare inexplicably
at a crap computer screen for hours on end?
What is the point of asking me whether I packed my bag myself?
Oh, no, I let some total bastard of Middle Eastern origin
pack it for me.
-Where's Magda? -Oh. Er...
Is there a meeting or something?
Because I'm not ready. Nobody seems to realise how difficult my job is.
I've got the cover photo, obviously,
but I haven't fitted the words on yet.
I mean, everybody seems to think that my job just happens.
Suzy, I just want to know if she wants lunch.
Oh.
Is it my turn yet, Hanni?
Did you get to the castle drone on level three?
What's she doing there?
Mags nabbed her from Marie Claire.
Does Eddy know you're here?
-What? -Where is Mags' diary?
I want to know what she's doing for lunch.
She's got a meeting.
Well, why haven't you written it in?
(SIGHS) I'm not completely useless, you know.
It's all in here.
She's with someone called...
Oh. It's gone.
I'll wait for her.
Well, shall I get someone to look after you?
-I work here. -Yeah, snap.
I threw out the business-class crap over the Pyrenees.
I managed to nick this off a kid in Economy
on my way back from the toilet.
-Where have you been? -Spain.
Ah. Off-the-beaten-track Andalucia.
Forgotten Catalonia. My own...
Secret Majorca.
More like my own secret arsehole.
A shitty bit of coastline ruined by patronising English gits.
"Oh, you must come over and share a rather fine local Rioja."
Oh, piss off, you sad twats.
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
Oh, dear.
Mr Dictionary seems to have deserted us again.
Bettina and Max. Clear. Clear. Clear.
I'll just say hello and go.
No, no, no. You're not going to say hello.
You just get in here. Flat against the wall. Hold your bag close.
When they come, you go.
-Hi. Hi. Hi... -MAX: Hi.
BETTINA: Hi.
MAX: Hi, hi.
SAFFY: Bye. BETTINA: Bye.
Max, can you bring me the other cloth?
Where is the other cloth?
Uh, blue bag.
Not the terry one. You know, the one that was near the bottle-warmer
by the playpen.
The bag that fits the buggy? Or the backpack?
No, you know, the one that's by the map with the music-centre.
That one. Same material as the...
-MAX: You used it on the plane. -No, I didn't.
Oh, Christ, Max. We only had those four bags
and the Moses basket on the plane.
-Is he awake? He's moving. -What?
Well, you can see his face. What's he doing?
(STAMMERING) He's just moving.
Do you want to just put that down, darling?
No, he won't go down now. Max can take him in a minute.
-We could just put him down... -No. He won't go down now.
-Just let me take him. -Yes. Thank you.
-That would be nice. (MAX SIGHS)
He isn't exactly light. And I have had him since Heathrow,
and I don't expect to be on my last legs before you offer.
-Right. -Right. Here.
-Hand. -I've got him. I've got him.
-And head. -Yes.
Darlings. Do you want a drink, sweetie?
-Yes. I need a drink. -Oh, darling.
-Look. I'll crack open some Bolly. -Now, that's a good idea.
What? I'm not intending to get drunk.
Yes, well, that, of course, is up to you.
But how are you going to feel if you drop him or something happens,
and you know you had that drink?
I don't know why we don't do
what Jocasta suggested and keep him awake.
Then he might sleep through the night.
Oh. Doctor bloody Spockasta.
What a good idea.
Listen, you old tart, can we not
think of a nicer way of putting this?
How about,
"We grazed on canapes
"and feasted on roasted suckling pig and juicy carciofi
"beneath a bewildering array of stars,
"beside a pool brimming with azure blue."
You can't put,
"We all sat around and ate free foreign crap, then vomited."
I'm a journalist.
Fair enough.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Hanni, darling. Could you get that?
Get that, Hanni. I can't.
Somebody get it!
Oh, damn. Yes?
Yes, all right. I'll tell them.
Mags is out for lunch.
(SIGHS) All right.
Oh, damn.
BUBBLE: Aw.
What you going to do?
Don't question me. I'll ring up an old friend.
An old friend? Old?
-Meeting your old friend? -Shut up.
I'm meeting a very, very, very dear, dear, dear, dear old friend.
Don't forget your Zimmer frame.
It was Caesarean in the end,
because of complications.
Yeah...
Nothing to do with my age.
So, of course, I felt butchered for a couple of months,
but...
I lost the weight almost immediately.
Which, of course, doesn't happen if you have them younger.
I mean, you've never lost it, have you?
You seem to get away with it somehow, despite
your criminal dress sense.
Is there somewhere I can put these?
Chuck them on the floor, darling, with everything else.
Oh, all right. Yeah. You know, we tried to be green,
but it's just not humanly possible.
MAX ON INTERCOM: Have you got it on? Have you got it on?
Can you hear me? This is for...
If you talk that loudly, you're going to wake him.
He's in the sitting-room.
I'm going to check that one now.
Do you ever see anything of that old alcoholic?
What, Patsy?
Well, sort of off and on, you know, darling.
MAX: This is the, uh... (BABY CRYING)
Shit, shit, shit. Look.
Christ. He should just bring him
down because he'll never go back now.
Just bring him down! Bring him down now!
Oh, we get it.
(BABY CRYING)
Sit. Sit.
(EDINA WHIMPERS)
BETTINA: Leave it!
(CRYING CONTINUES)
SMA. SMA. SMA.
Yes, yes. Kettle? Kettle.
-Spoon. -BETTINA: Spoon, spoon.
Knife. Knife.
-Bottle. Bottle. Bottle-top. -EDINA: Darling...
Teat, bottle.
I'm having lunch with Patsy. I'll see you later.
BETTINA: Give the baby a knife.
Knife. Knife.
Kettle. Kettle. Where's the...
kettle?
His eyes are open. Quick, where are they?
-You had them on the plate. -They're here.
(BABY CRYING)
-Say the words as well. -Yes, yes.
Mummy.
Mummy. Yes.
Mummy.
Very, very tired Mummy.
(COMPUTER GAME BEEPING)
Oh. I was working.
I don't know why I did that.
I was actually over here working. (CHUCKLES)
You don't understand. I was actually...
-Are you still here? -Just.
-Well, have you seen Pats? -Yeah.
Oh. She's not here.
-Where is she? -She's...
-At lunch. -Oh. That's right.
With a very old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old friend.
Yeah. Damn.
Well, you can go back to the office, now. We've got some work on.
-No, I can't. -Why not?
-I've been head-shrunk. -Hunted.
That's right. Headhunted. Headhunted.
By Vogue. (GASPS) Is that a magazine or something?
Vogue's a magazine. By Vogue, darling?
You had headhunted? As what?
Er...
Editor.
Sit there.
Damn her.
Oh, Zandra, hi. It's me, Patsy. Patsy Stone.
Hi. Yes, I will join you. Thank you, darling.
-Oh, Zandra. -Hello, darling.
You know Britt?
Oh, hi, Britt. It's Patsy.
-Patsy? -Stone.
-Stone? -Patsy, Patsy Stone.
Stone, Patsy. Patsy Stone.
-Oh... Patsy. -Oh! (CHUCKLES) Britts.
-Pats. -Britt.
-Pat. -Bri.
-Pa... -Br...
-P... -B...
What would you like to drink, madame?
Uh... Moiselle.
-A bottle of red, please. -No, thank you. I don't drink.
-Some water, please. -Well, just the one will do then.
(BOTH WHISPERING) -I don't know her. -Neither do I.
Ya. Ya. Ya.
Oh, look. It's little Lulu. Hi, Lu.
Lulu. Lulu. Hello.
I'm... I'm not meeting you, am I?
No, no Edina. We've met before. We've met before.
Yes, yes. I know. But I'm not having lunch with you.
I'd rather be at a table on my own.
-No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't. -Let go of my jacket.
(WHISPERS) I need to talk to you.
Not about one of those benefits or
one of those awful parties or something.
I haven't forgiven you for the Albert Hall fiasco.
Sorry about that one.
I'm sure it said on the invitation that it'd be lovely if you got up
and did a few numbers. You know, sang Shout or something.
-There wasn't even a band. -Well, it was for charity.
What do you want?
(GUFFAWING)
-It's... Um... -I'm off.
I may well have a gun in my bag.
I will shoot you and then try very hard to turn it on myself
if you leave, all right?
I'll pay for the meal.
And the champagne.
And a substantial donation to the charity of your choice, all right?
Three courses and a pudding, or I'm walking. And don't talk to me.
And don't smoke.
-I'm starving. Mmm. -Lulu.
What would you like, Lulu?
-Oh, I'd like one of those. -Mmm-hmm. I see.
-And I'll have two of those. -Yes, Lulu.
-And I'll have three of these. -Steady on, sweetie.
-And let's get the champagne, OK? -Right, then.
Lulu.
Champagne for Lulu.
This is fantastic, isn't it? Like a reunion.
Where did you two first meet?
I think it was in...a make-up shop in Carnaby Street?
Lady Jane's.
That was the first time I met you. Do you remember?
-I was having my tits painted. -As what?
To look like tits.
Yeah, that's right. Fantastic.
And we two used to work together all the time.
-I think we did a session. -Zandra, all the time.
You just wanted my body in your clothes.
We just worked and worked and worked.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Look, I need that dress out at the sides.
What is she doing?
Come on. Pull yourself together.
Oh, no. My... It's just so....
(RATTLING)
MAN: I only got her here because she's your friend.
I just felt sorry for her. I hardly know her.
-I'll see you. -All right. (KISSING) Bye, sweetie.
Bye, Zandra. Bye, sweetie.
(COUGHING)
Oh, yeah, the '60s.
-Those were the days, eh, Britt? -Yeah.
-Yeah. The Portobello Road. -The King's Road.
The Carnaby Road.
-Biba. Quant. -Vidal.
-Mmm. Tuffin and Foale. The Shrimp. -The Twig.
The Stones. The Beatles, The Marquee.
-The Small Faces. -Terry and Julie.
-Mmm. Peter and Gordon. -Jack and Michael.
-John. -And Mary.
-I don't know you at all, do I? -No.
(SIGHS)
Can I have the bill?
Oh. That was delicious. Thanks.
Oh! Now she talks. Now she talks.
I was going to say actually that I really enjoyed your last single.
You know, Independence. # Independence #
-I've had two since then. -Have you?
I didn't know about that.
That's ridiculous. I thought you'd just gone quiet.
D'you know what you need?
You need a really good publicity machine.
Who does your PR?
You do.
-Lulu. -Britt! How you doing?
-Good to see you. -I just had a great lunch.
I've just been meeting Lulu.
Le-lu. Lulu. Lulu.
Bye, Britt. Bye, sweetie. Ciao!
Hello, darling.
I only came back because you said it was an emergency.
It IS an emergency, darling.
Look at this place. Look, this is an emergency, darling.
Look at this. Look. Lacroix... Baby-spew.
Lacroix... Baby-spew, darling.
It is an emergency. They've got to go, darling.
I thought she was your friend.
Phew! She is my friend, darling. But now it's just
"the baby" this, "the baby" that. Darling, I mean...
Nobody's been paying enough attention to you?
No.
Have you tried talking to her? Helping her?
Ugh!
Helping her, darling? Helping her?
I mean, where's the fun in that, darling? Hmm?
Look at this. Where have all my surfaces gone, darling?
It's like living in a small regional branch
of Mother-bloody-care, darling, isn't it?
They've got to go, darling.
So I can return to some degree of normality.
Whatever that is.
Yes, whatever that is.
But, it's not this no-fun bloody baby world, is it?
I've managed to help poor Bettina a little with the baby.
She seems to be making so much fuss.
I thought it wise to call the doctor.
The baby was making some very strange noises.
-Oh, darling. -Is everything all right?
He thinks he might be going down with a cold.
(PANTING)
But he's not sure. Anyway,
he's gone to sleep now in our bed, so...
Max can take the sofa tonight, and I'll take the travel cot.
-Are you all right? -Oh, yes.
I'm so sorry I fainted,
but I never was very good with nappies of the brown variety.
Well, I think I'll, um...
I think I'll turn in.
Go on, then.
I don't know how you can, but go on.
Is it actually asleep now, the baby thing?
Yeah.
Well, maybe you should get some sleep while he is.
Oh, Christ! This is the only time I have to myself.
She's lovely, isn't she, darling? She's lovely, isn't she?
Well, you can amuse her. I'm going to bed.
-Goodnight. -Night.
(SIGHS)
Has he got any teeth, yet?
Oh, Jesus!
You can talk to me about other things, you know?
I'm not a complete vegetable.
Oh, I'm sorry if I seem snappy. It's just...
It's all right.
Having a baby can make one very depressed. I know.
But you have got a lovely baby, and you've got Max.
And he's obviously very fond of you.
And he's very good-looking.
Really?
-What, you really think so? -Oh, yes.
You're just tense. You need to unwind and relax.
Yeah, I know. I know, you're right, really.
I don't know how he puts up with me, actually.
(MOANING OVER INTERCOM)
MAX: (PANTING) Oh, Edina.
EDINA: What if someone comes up now, what if someone comes?
MAX: I don't care if the witch catches us.
EDINA: This is sewn in, actually. You have to rip it.
EDINA: Slow down. Slow down.
MAX: I can't. It's too long since we did it.
(PANTING)
(MAX GRUNTS)
EDINA: Is that it, darling?
-MAX: Sorry. -Is that Radio Four, dear?
# Wheels on fire
# Rolling down the road
# Best notify my next of kin... #
I had to, darling. They had to go.
-Hi, sweetie. -Hi.
# This wheel shall explode. #