# Coo! I just want you
# I really love the things that you do
# Come on, love-a-me too
# Oh, won't you be my coo ca choo?
# Sweetness, I like your dress
# I love the way you know you're the best
# I'm in love and I'm in a mess
# I really want you coo ca choo #
Sorry I was so long, darling!
Had to clear out my wardrobe.
Got rid of all those horrible, unfashionable clothes
that I simply would not wear, darling,
because they are not fashion.
I've put them in a pile on the floor to throw out.
I thought you'd put them on, dear.
What are you doing here?
Oh, just thought I'd make the most of the house
while you can still afford to keep it up.
Thank you.
And how is it when I look at you all I see is wear and tear?
Wear and tear.
I say, I remember those trousers!
No, you don't!
Still hung on to those!
Mind you, I'm surprised you can still get into them.
It was rather like trying to get toothpaste
back into the tube, even then.
These are new! Tell her, Saffy darling.
The '70s are back!
Oh, does that mean you'll be voting Labour again, dear?
Always voted Labour, sweetie.
Anyway, I'm only talking about fashion!
Thank God for that!
I wouldn't want to go through that childhood again!
Darling, make Mummy a cup of coffee, darling,
would you, sweetie? (IMITATES KISSING)
From the machine, darling!
Oh, a chappukino!
Cappu-cci-no!
All right?
Oh, go on, darling!
Make the most of Mummy.
While you're still at home
before you run away to be a student.
Oh, you told her, dear. Well done!
(SCOFFS)
Although why anybody wants to be a student nowadays
is a mystery to me.
No fun, darling. No demos, no experimental drug taking.
You're just industry fodder, darling.
At least in my day, darling,
people used to go to university
just to close 'em down!
What will your protest be, darling?
Pair of stripy tights
and some liquorice allsort earrings?
Oh, ugh, call out the National Guard!
She's just jealous, dear.
I could have been a student.
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
"Thick as two short planks", her report said!
It did not say that! Did not say that.
Ask Patsy, darling. She wrote most of 'em.
There's no milk.
Oh, no milk? Haven't Harrods been yet, darling?
They're normally here by now, aren't they?
I'll pop out and get some.
Oh, no, it'd be a complete waste of money!
And how would you know? When was the last time you bought a carton of milk?
A...
Carton?
Oh, stop it!
Stop getting all hung up about money, darling.
It's all pounds, shillings and pence to me.
It probably was, last time you had anything to do with it.
Oh, God!
The Queen carries more cash!
Your whole life is on accounts.
Oh, stop it!
I'll have it black, all right?
I'll have a black chappukino, Saffy.
Espresso!
Yes. I am in rather a hurry.
As a matter of fact, I think I better be off!
-Oh, God! -I want to catch the post.
Oh, dear.
What a strange, archaic little world you live in!
-Bye, Gran. -Bye, dear.
Just leave... Oh, that reminds me!
Just leave and go straight out that front door!
Do not go upstairs to my bedroom and steal things!
I don't know what she's talking about.
She's deranged!
I passed that sad little excuse for a charity shop yesterday.
I saw your little piece of handiwork in the window.
It must be the only genuine Lacroix Versace
quilty bedspread in existence!
Gran!
It was in a bin liner!
It was my dry-cleaning, darling!
Just get out!
-Bye, Gran. -Goodbye, dear.
Oh! By the way, if you do hit hard times,
and there is anything you need to sell,
my friend, Hermione, has this little shop.
"Bric'n'brac'n'knick'n'knacks 'n' things"?
"Any old junk taken."
Why don't you trade yourself in? Get out! Go on!
She'd give you a very good price, dear.
-Oh, just leave! -I'm only trying to help.
Get out!
Arrivedurky!
Bye, Gran!
Gran. Gran!
Mum and Gran!
(MOCKINGLY) Mum and Gran, Mum and Gran.
God! So depressing.
Like something on isn't it? EastEnders,
Mum and Gran.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
I'm sure you could find a more appropriate name
for that thieving old person, couldn't you?
Like Moomie.
Or Nanu.
Or old Caca!
Light! Light! Light! Oh, light, light!
Oh, dear. Pats! Honestly!
Bloody hell!
Not another No Smoking cab, Pats!
They must see you coming these days.
Bloody bastard asthmatic cab driver!
I'm tired.
Well, I hope you refused to pay him this time!
It was one of your account cabs, Eds.
I think you should get him fired.
Oh, so not only do you want the man
to die of passive smoking but you also want to deny him
a living of any kind.
Passive...
I suppose we're shortening your life, are we, darling?
If only!
For your information, you have to be taking
great big lung-bucketfuls to make any difference!
-Not little wasp breaths! -EDINA: No!
And excuse me if I sue
when I die prematurely of passive boredom!
Of dull as dishwater, daughter-induced stress!
All right?
Whole bloody hour, it took me. I nearly didn't make it.
God! Why didn't you use those nicotine patches
I gave you for emergencies, darling?
I did. They're all dead now.
Can you get the ones off my back?
-Ready? -Yeah, yeah.
Go?
(GRUNTS)
-Ready? -OK. (GROANS)
Actually, most of these all seem all right, darling.
In fact, they're leaching something out of your skin
rather than the other way around.
She's probably recharging them.
Oh! Careful, Eddy! Don't rip so hard!
Yes. Be careful.
At her age, the flesh slides off the bone
like a well-cooked chicken.
For your information, there are some people who'd pay
a lot of money for Patsy's body.
Morticians!
How much do you think you'd get
for a ready-embalmed carcass?
No wonder she's always being refused a donor card.
EDINA: (WHISPERS) Go on, get her! Get her!
(BOTH BUZZING)
Oh! Wasp, sweetie.
-(CAR HONKING) -Oh, look. My car's here.
Oh, Eddy, I thought a little mosey down Bond Street,
a little sniff around Gucci...
-Mmm-hmm. -...sidle up to Ralph Lauren,
pass through Browns, then on to Quags for a light lunch.
-Ooh, yum, yum, yum, yum! -Tell her!
-Oh, I've just got to pop in... -Mum!
(SIGHS) I've got to meet my accountant this morning.
It won't take long, will it, sweetie?
-Why? -Because her bastard father
and Marshall are trying to cut off my alimony payments.
She's been bleeding them dry for years.
Whose side are you on? Do you want us to be poor?
-(SIGHS) You'll be poor? -Hmm!
That's got you worried.
Eddy, we simply cannot allow them to cut us off like this.
Now, listen, sweetie, it is not alimony.
-It is compensation. -Yes.
-For what? -Ugh.
EDINA: Yes, darling.
It's damages, sweetie.
For those long crippling hours of painful labour
I went through on your behalf.
You had a caesarean!
Yes, I know I had a caesarean, darling.
But how do you think it feels
for me to wake up every morning
and look down and see her stomach still smiling
back up at her, hmm?
-Come on, let's go. -Can't put a price on that.
Oh, come on.
Let's go, darling. Little meeting, big lunch.
Come on, darling.
Do you think Quags or Daphne's?
(VOCALISING)
I don't know! Either way! Either way!
Right, I'm here! Don't panic. Everything's under control!
Mum, relax. We're on time. In fact, we're a bit early.
Look, Eddy, he's not here.
Let's make a quick getaway before the bastard arrives.
No, we can't, darling, can't.
Where's Bubble? Where's Bubble?
Oh, is this it?
Oh, God! Bubble! Wake up, Bubble!
Come on, wake up, darling.
Oh!
It's like tea-break on the set. Thunderbirds
Somebody operate her, please!
Mmm, jeepers creepers!
-Blimey, you're here! -EDINA: Yes.
Was I asleep?
Hard to tell.
I must have been here for hours.
(SIGHS) I'll be really annoyed if I've missed lunch!
It's 11:00.
It's just I'm really, really tired.
(SIGHS) Do we have to listen to all this?
(SIGHS) We've sort of got time on our hands now,
thanks to Saff.
I turned on the, hmm,
whatchamacallit this morning.
Radio?
I want to say telephone.
No. That's not right. That's not right.
You look at it.
-Television. -That's it!
Good Morning Television. Hello!
Which I don't normally do,
cos I find myself falling back to sleep like that!
Good Morning my God. Television,
If they could market that in pill form,
Switzerland would be plunged into a recession.
(HUFFS)
And, anyway, they said, "Leave home now.
"There's a strike on the buses."
It were really urgent.
So I did. And I got here hours ago.
On the tube?
No! I only live down the road.
I walk here. So they must be bonkers!
I wonder what they're telling everyone else?
(SCOFFS) Have you seen my accountant?
She's talking to you!
Oh!
What's he look like?
He looks like an accountant, sweetie, doesn't he?
A bitter paper-pusher,
always dealing with salaries larger than his own,
-and resenting every second. -EDINA: Mmm.
BUBBLE: Ugh!
Mum, come on! Let's get going!
How many times can you go to the toilet?
I just had to get rid of Bubble, that's all, darling.
I don't want her knowing my business.
Chance would be a fine thing! Right, sorry, Malcolm.
Look. All I want to know is how much money I've got
on my own, and then, you make it look like less
so my husbands can't cut me off, all right?
Well, first , I think we should look at the fiscal...
Oh, God, I'm bored!
Don't be intimidated, Eddy. I mean, look at him!
There's nothing macho about having an O-level in Maths,
a floppy disc and a personality bypass.
-Come on. Let's go to lunch. -Let's go!
Mum! This meeting is for you!
Malcolm has come here to talk to you, to help you.
Now, sit down and shut up!
I'm sorry, Malcolm.
(SIGHS)
All right. Go on.
Well, first of all, let me say
that the question of alimony is now settled.
Oh, well, there we are. Come on, Pats.
You are no longer receiving payments.
What?
You bastard!
They can't do that!
-They have! -(GASPS)
You knew about this, didn't you, sweetie?
(WHIMPERS) Oh, Malcolm.
Am I...
-poor? -Just yes or no?
-Let me explain. -Oh, no!
If you expend the 38%,
then all liabilities with the necessary adjustments
can be done in respect of your company,
which I find rather exciting! (CHUCKLES)
-However, with the accumulation
of overpayments on outstanding tax liabilities,
a lesser amount will be due.
So, let's move on to the...
Look, I just want to know how much money I've got!
Why will you never tell me?
Huh?
I mean, I've got two businesses, haven't I?
Oh, yes. Your "businesses".
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
What did you do then? What's that? What's that?
This is a... This is a top PR company.
There must be money in it, isn't there?
Well, there will always be talented, creative people
-in need of publicity. -If they were talented
and creative, they wouldn't need me.
We're talking Planet Hollywood.
Exactly.
Unfortunately, there's not much profit showing
at the moment.
Oh, God, what about my shop?
(CHUCKLES)
We were wondering about that in the office.
Um, yes, stock seems to go in, and then come out,
but is never paid for.
Most of it is in our sitting room.
Oh, you didn't have to tell him that!
I like to think of my home as a showroom, all right?
Right, tell Mum what could she do, Malcolm.
Now, listen, Mum!
Listen, Mum. Listen, Mum.
Well, what you could do is sell off your businesses
and live quite happily on the proceeds.
Are you mad?
Do you mean make myself unemployed?
Have you any idea what the government do
to unemployed people, darling?
They are forced to do community service!
Putting loft insulation into urine-stinking
old people's homes for the incontinent!
Oh, not me, darling!
You two conspirators can think again!
(SIGHS)
Well, there's only one thing for it.
We will have to go through your monthly bills
and see where a cut could be made.
(MUMBLES)
EDINA: Business. Business.
That's my flowers, that's business.
Pedicure and nose plucking.
Busi...
Don't look at me like that!
It is very important for business for me to look good!
And looking good costs money!
I'm not like Saffy. I can't walk around looking like a...
Stale old piece of toast!
Exactly!
It takes more than a cold flannel
and some Body Shop oatmeal scrub for me, you know.
I mean, I can't meet clients
smelling like an old bowl of porridge, can I, sweetie?
These are valid business expenses!
Jit Sag?
(SIGHS) It's my shiatsu.
Jeffrey Weinbaum?
Decorator.
Oh, yes. This one comes up again and again.
Don Alfonso de Columbo.
(SNIFFLING)
Yeah. That's, er, wicker baskets.
-Parasite! - You stop getting at Patsy!
It's not her fault, you know.
I mean, we're both here having to do all this, darling,
and he is doing nothing about this huge amount of tax
I'm still having to pay!
I am doing everything I can within the law.
Oh, God!
What is the point of having an accountant
if he's within the law?
I might as well do it myself.
In fact, I think I will. Right, I'm off.
(PATSY BUZZING)
Wasp, sweetie. Wasp.
She's gone to choose a smaller car.
I told her to get rid of that ridiculous driver
-and the limo. -You didn't tell her
I was paying for you to go to university, did you?
-I had to! -Oh, no!
I mean, it is all right, you know, money-wise?
-There's no real problem? -Dad, she's not poor!
She's got more money in little schemes and investments
than it's safe for her to know about!
Malcolm and I just frightened her
into slimming everything down a bit.
Oh, she's not a great slimmer, sweetie.
I mean, she could eat air and put on weight.
I intend to keep her thinking she's poor
for a while.
It may cut out the worst of her excesses.
Ooh! They say all daughters turn into their mothers!
Dad!
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Oh, Jesus Christ!
EDINA: Saff!
Dad's here. Don't forget what you agreed.
I am civilised to my platform toes, darling.
Hello, Justin!
Edwina!
Can I get you a little coffee or something
from our new machine?
Although I'm not sure
we've got any coffee to go in it anymore
since Harrods no longer visit me daily.
The only delivery we get nowadays
is from the Red Cross! (CHUCKLES)
I suppose I could just go through the motions.
You'd probably like that, Justin. It'd be a little bit...
BOTH: Like our marriage!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Oh! -(BOTH LAUGH)
Isn't it rather lovely for you, darling,
to see Mummy and Daddy
sharing a joke like that, is it, sweetie? Mmm?
Well, I'm really glad you're taking this so well.
I just can't bloody believe that you're cutting me off
so you can send that to further education!
What kind of father are you?
(HUMMING)
Right, darling, Patsy and I are off shopping.
Pats.
-Just. -Pats.
Did you get a smaller car?
Yes, miniscule, darling.
-Practically a bicycle. -It's this big. It's this big.
Here's the list.
Shopping list.
"Shopping list for Mum"!
Thank you, darling.
(SCOFFS) "Milk".
"Milk." Where am I supposed to go for "milk"?
Food halls. On the left, past the fish.
Well, if we're going to the food halls,
we might as well get the lot there.
You can't get the food shopping from Harrods!
Of course you can.
You can't expect people who live in Knightsbridge
to eat out all the time!
Go to the supermarket!
The what, darling?
Supermarket shopping.
Eggs, cod steaks, apples for Saffy.
Eggs, cod steaks, apples...
That's not the car!
Smallest one I could find, darling. It's tiny.
Look, there's barely room for the basket in here, darling.
No room for you, I'm afraid. I told you so.
Unless Patsy wants you on her knee? Do you, darling?
No? Doesn't want you, darling. Safety first.
-EDINA: Buh-bye, sweetie! -(ENGINE STARTING)
BOTH: # Hotel California
# It's a lovely place Such a lovely place #
Come on, darling. Let's have the roof off. It's so bloody hot.
(PATSY HUMMING)
Oh! Ow! Ow! Pull over. Pull over, Ed.
Pull over. My head! My hair! Pull over!
Hang on, just...
(GRUNTING)
Oh, that's better.
PATSY: Go for it, Eddy!
(HONKING LOUDLY)
-What? Come on! -(HONKS)
Road! It's a road!
EDINA: Hooligans!
There's a supermarket down here.
There used to be a supermarket here!
What? What?
Come on!
(HORN BEEPING)
Don't you shake your head at me!
Watch your language!
Watch it!
Watch your foul language!
Stupid!
What? What?!
PATSY: Stupid cow! Come on, Ed, let's go!
Hello!
(SCOFFS) Oh, God!
Can you take a trolley, Pats? Bring a trolley.
-Oh, God! -Here we are, Ed.
Darling, I just can't push any more.
-But, sweetie...
-I haven't got the strength, darling. Come on!
God damn it.
It's all three. All three here.
-All right? -Eddy.
-Eddy, please, please! -Oh, darling!
-I can't afford champagne. Put it underneath.
Just the weekly shop for me, this.
Working mum.
Oh, nowhere to park!
Eddy, we've been round four times.
I'm just going to put it in here.
Just gonna put it in.
PATSY: Just go here, darling.
That's okay, Eddy.
-They know me here. All right. -We're not gonna be all day.
PATSY: There's a bar on the fifth floor. Might start there.
EDINA: Darling, I have to put my shoe on.
Darling, you have to slow down
when I'm walking in these shoes. I can't...
-Eddy, what's this? -What?
What is this?
Has that been there all the time?
Did you know I had this thing on?
What is it?
Oh, God!
(EDINA TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
God! Why does it have to be
in some underground shame hole like this?
Is this the Car Clamp Club?
I got this on my car. It's a little clamp, all right?
I mean, I left it there for ten minutes.
Do you understand? Ten minutes.
Until I get that car insured, it's a very expensive car.
I have to park it where I can see it. Do you understand?
-It's a scandal! -Seriously!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
What do you mean, wait in my car for two or three hours?
What am I going to do for two bloody hours, huh?
Come by, come by.
What? What?!
What?
What? What?
Step out of the car, please, madam.
(HONKS)
What the hell...
You pig! What do you want? What are you doing to her?
(HONKING)
I'm just taking my friend to hospital.
She's sick.
Eddy, I'm... I'll help. Hang on.
You pig!
Driving without a licence, driving without insurance,
not wearing a seatbelt, having no tax disc displayed,
driving over the legal speed limit,
driving under the influence of alcohol,
allowing another person
to drive your vehicle under the influence of alcohol.
In the region of £5,000 of parking fees owing,
£6,000 of damage to property,
charges of assault and abuse,
the charges of attempted murder and robbery
have been dropped.
-Shoplifting... -Get up!
My name is Patsy Stone. I'm an alcoholic.
And what she did was an act of humanitarian mercy.
That is hardly a reason to steal a crate of champagne!
Have you any idea
how much champagne costs these days?
I was forced to steal it.
My daughter wouldn't have allowed me to buy it.
I must ask you to sit down
and stop wasting the court's time.
The sum of £50,000
to be paid by you in damages,
and a further fine of £2,000.
You will also be liable for all costs incurred.
Getting rid of the driver
was a little bit of a false economy, wasn't it, sweetie?
A lifetime ban on driving.
And finally, Mrs Monsoon...
Can I just say one word in my defence? Hmm?
I don't think that's a good idea, Mum.
Your mouth is working for the prosecution.
No, darling. This is what I do well, sweetie.
You might get some little tips for the Debating Society,
you never know. (CLEARS THROAT)
Without notes, Saff.
Thank you. Thank you.
Right.
I, the proposed accused,
think that...
Well, I mean, you know,
the day in question was not a good day for me, all right?
But I, I put it to you,
that I don't see how any day could've been
the way this bloody country's run.
You know, I was just trying to do my best.
Trying to get from A to B, do a little shopping.
I was trying to take control of my life, you know.
Only to find that, actually, it is controlled for me
by petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper!
Ignorant bloody, petty rules and laws
that just obstruct every tiny little action,
until you find you've committed a crime
without even knowing it!
I mean, you know...
Why can't life just be made a little easier
for everybody, huh?
Why can't it be more like the continent? Hmm?
You know, where a man can just park his car
on the pavement,
and then run down the street in front of charging bulls
whilst letting fireworks off out of his bloody nostrils
without anyone blinking an eye. Huh?
God, it's probably a local holiday, and nobody's at work
because they all want to have just a little bit of fun,
and they are not intimidated by some outdated work ethic!
I mean, there has to be more to life than just being safe!
Is there a point to all this?
(SHUDDERS)
Yes! Yes!
Why, oh, why do we pay taxes, hmm?
I mean, just to have bloody parking restrictions
and buggery, ugly traffic wardens,
and bollocky pedestrian bloody crossings, you know.
(SCOFFS) And those bastard railings outside shops
so you can't even get in them!
I mean, I know they're there to stop stupid people
running into the street and killing themselves,
but we're not all stupid!
We don't all need nursemaiding!
I mean, why not just have a stupidity tax?
Just tax the stupid people!
-Let them die! -Yes!
Any more of this ridiculous rant
and I'll put you both away!
Hear, hear!
Edwina Margaret Rose Monsoon,
I hereby sentence you to...
Community service.
Oh! Oh, you've come to do the loft!
Come in.
Bring it this way.
It's all your bloody fault, you know, this.
(WHISPERS) Come on.