1 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:25,320 # Coo! I just want you 2 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,200 # I really love the things that you do 3 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,120 # Come on, love-a-me too 4 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,880 # Oh, won't you be my coo ca choo? 5 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:40,360 # Sweetness, I like your dress 6 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:43,920 # I love the way you know you're the best 7 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,600 # I'm in love and I'm in a mess 8 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:49,160 # I really want you coo ca choo # 9 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,840 Sorry I was so long, darling! 10 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,920 Had to clear out my wardrobe. 11 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,400 Got rid of all those horrible, unfashionable clothes 12 00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,240 that I simply would not wear, darling, 13 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,840 because they are not fashion. 14 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:02,840 I've put them in a pile on the floor to throw out. 15 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,760 I thought you'd put them on, dear. 16 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,320 What are you doing here? 17 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,600 Oh, just thought I'd make the most of the house 18 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,680 while you can still afford to keep it up. 19 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:12,720 Thank you. 20 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,240 And how is it when I look at you all I see is wear and tear? 21 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:16,400 Wear and tear. 22 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,960 I say, I remember those trousers! 23 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,600 No, you don't! 24 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,800 Still hung on to those! 25 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:26,960 Mind you, I'm surprised you can still get into them. 26 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,760 It was rather like trying to get toothpaste 27 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,920 back into the tube, even then. 28 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,840 These are new! Tell her, Saffy darling. 29 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,720 The '70s are back! 30 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,440 Oh, does that mean you'll be voting Labour again, dear? 31 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:43,680 Always voted Labour, sweetie. 32 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,360 Anyway, I'm only talking about fashion! 33 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,440 Thank God for that! 34 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,760 I wouldn't want to go through that childhood again! 35 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,240 Darling, make Mummy a cup of coffee, darling, 36 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,760 would you, sweetie? (IMITATES KISSING) 37 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,520 From the machine, darling! 38 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,080 Oh, a chappukino! 39 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,560 Cappu-cci-no! 40 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,000 All right? 41 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,720 Oh, go on, darling! 42 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:04,600 Make the most of Mummy. 43 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:05,880 While you're still at home 44 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,000 before you run away to be a student. 45 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,720 Oh, you told her, dear. Well done! 46 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:11,080 (SCOFFS) 47 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:13,160 Although why anybody wants to be a student nowadays 48 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,360 is a mystery to me. 49 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:18,600 No fun, darling. No demos, no experimental drug taking. 50 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:21,320 You're just industry fodder, darling. 51 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,600 At least in my day, darling, 52 00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,120 people used to go to university 53 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,360 just to close 'em down! 54 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,160 What will your protest be, darling? 55 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,200 Pair of stripy tights 56 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,080 and some liquorice allsort earrings? 57 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,800 Oh, ugh, call out the National Guard! 58 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:35,440 She's just jealous, dear. 59 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,080 I could have been a student. 60 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:38,920 (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) 61 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,520 "Thick as two short planks", her report said! 62 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,720 It did not say that! Did not say that. 63 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,400 Ask Patsy, darling. She wrote most of 'em. 64 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,720 There's no milk. 65 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,080 Oh, no milk? Haven't Harrods been yet, darling? 66 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,880 They're normally here by now, aren't they? 67 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,200 I'll pop out and get some. 68 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,000 Oh, no, it'd be a complete waste of money! 69 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,040 And how would you know? When was the last time you bought a carton of milk? 70 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,320 A... 71 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:04,440 Carton? 72 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:07,920 Oh, stop it! 73 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,240 Stop getting all hung up about money, darling. 74 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,160 It's all pounds, shillings and pence to me. 75 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,560 It probably was, last time you had anything to do with it. 76 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:16,600 Oh, God! 77 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:17,920 The Queen carries more cash! 78 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,400 Your whole life is on accounts. 79 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,480 Oh, stop it! 80 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,280 I'll have it black, all right? 81 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,400 I'll have a black chappukino, Saffy. 82 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,160 Espresso! 83 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,040 Yes. I am in rather a hurry. 84 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:32,600 As a matter of fact, I think I better be off! 85 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,400 -Oh, God! -I want to catch the post. 86 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:35,440 Oh, dear. 87 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,320 What a strange, archaic little world you live in! 88 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,800 -Bye, Gran. -Bye, dear. 89 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:43,200 Just leave... Oh, that reminds me! 90 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:48,080 Just leave and go straight out that front door! 91 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,960 Do not go upstairs to my bedroom and steal things! 92 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,960 I don't know what she's talking about. 93 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,160 She's deranged! 94 00:03:55,200 --> 00:04:00,240 I passed that sad little excuse for a charity shop yesterday. 95 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:03,800 I saw your little piece of handiwork in the window. 96 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,320 It must be the only genuine Lacroix Versace 97 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,760 quilty bedspread in existence! 98 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:09,920 Gran! 99 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,400 It was in a bin liner! 100 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,680 It was my dry-cleaning, darling! 101 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:15,720 Just get out! 102 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,480 -Bye, Gran. -Goodbye, dear. 103 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:22,040 Oh! By the way, if you do hit hard times, 104 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,160 and there is anything you need to sell, 105 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,800 my friend, Hermione, has this little shop. 106 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:34,680 "Bric'n'brac'n'knick'n'knacks 'n' things"? 107 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,240 "Any old junk taken." 108 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:39,840 Why don't you trade yourself in? Get out! Go on! 109 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,640 She'd give you a very good price, dear. 110 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,360 -Oh, just leave! -I'm only trying to help. 111 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,280 Get out! 112 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:46,320 Arrivedurky! 113 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:48,480 Bye, Gran! 114 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,480 Gran. Gran! 115 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,280 Mum and Gran! 116 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,240 (MOCKINGLY) Mum and Gran, Mum and Gran. 117 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,680 God! So depressing. 118 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,520 Like something on isn't it? EastEnders, 119 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:01,600 Mum and Gran. 120 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:02,880 (DOORBELL BUZZING) 121 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:04,840 I'm sure you could find a more appropriate name 122 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,640 for that thieving old person, couldn't you? 123 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,400 Like Moomie. 124 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:11,640 Or Nanu. 125 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,640 Or old Caca! 126 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:19,400 Light! Light! Light! Oh, light, light! 127 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,240 Oh, dear. Pats! Honestly! 128 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,520 Bloody hell! 129 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,680 Not another No Smoking cab, Pats! 130 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,000 They must see you coming these days. 131 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,440 Bloody bastard asthmatic cab driver! 132 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:41,720 I'm tired. 133 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,480 Well, I hope you refused to pay him this time! 134 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:45,920 It was one of your account cabs, Eds. 135 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,040 I think you should get him fired. 136 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,400 Oh, so not only do you want the man 137 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:52,080 to die of passive smoking but you also want to deny him 138 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,200 a living of any kind. 139 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:54,240 Passive... 140 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,520 I suppose we're shortening your life, are we, darling? 141 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:57,640 If only! 142 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,680 For your information, you have to be taking 143 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,400 great big lung-bucketfuls to make any difference! 144 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,360 -Not little wasp breaths! -EDINA: No! 145 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,880 And excuse me if I sue 146 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,360 when I die prematurely of passive boredom! 147 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,200 Of dull as dishwater, daughter-induced stress! 148 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,200 All right? 149 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,560 Whole bloody hour, it took me. I nearly didn't make it. 150 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,400 God! Why didn't you use those nicotine patches 151 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:26,920 I gave you for emergencies, darling? 152 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,960 I did. They're all dead now. 153 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,120 Can you get the ones off my back? 154 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,160 -Ready? -Yeah, yeah. 155 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,600 Go? 156 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:39,840 (GRUNTS) 157 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:43,360 -Ready? -OK. (GROANS) 158 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,760 Actually, most of these all seem all right, darling. 159 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,200 In fact, they're leaching something out of your skin 160 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,040 rather than the other way around. 161 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,880 She's probably recharging them. 162 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,320 Oh! Careful, Eddy! Don't rip so hard! 163 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:56,360 Yes. Be careful. 164 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,960 At her age, the flesh slides off the bone 165 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,600 like a well-cooked chicken. 166 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,480 For your information, there are some people who'd pay 167 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:04,920 a lot of money for Patsy's body. 168 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,520 Morticians! 169 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,760 How much do you think you'd get 170 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,000 for a ready-embalmed carcass? 171 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,320 No wonder she's always being refused a donor card. 172 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,280 EDINA: (WHISPERS) Go on, get her! Get her! 173 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,040 (BOTH BUZZING) 174 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,560 Oh! Wasp, sweetie. 175 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,520 -(CAR HONKING) -Oh, look. My car's here. 176 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,400 Oh, Eddy, I thought a little mosey down Bond Street, 177 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:27,840 a little sniff around Gucci... 178 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,120 -Mmm-hmm. -...sidle up to Ralph Lauren, 179 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,120 pass through Browns, then on to Quags for a light lunch. 180 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,120 -Ooh, yum, yum, yum, yum! -Tell her! 181 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,880 -Oh, I've just got to pop in... -Mum! 182 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,080 (SIGHS) I've got to meet my accountant this morning. 183 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,600 It won't take long, will it, sweetie? 184 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,320 -Why? -Because her bastard father 185 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,840 and Marshall are trying to cut off my alimony payments. 186 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,480 She's been bleeding them dry for years. 187 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:50,920 Whose side are you on? Do you want us to be poor? 188 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,760 -(SIGHS) You'll be poor? -Hmm! 189 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,480 That's got you worried. 190 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,680 Eddy, we simply cannot allow them to cut us off like this. 191 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,960 Now, listen, sweetie, it is not alimony. 192 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,360 -It is compensation. -Yes. 193 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,920 -For what? -Ugh. 194 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:07,640 EDINA: Yes, darling. 195 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,000 It's damages, sweetie. 196 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,120 For those long crippling hours of painful labour 197 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,480 I went through on your behalf. 198 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,280 You had a caesarean! 199 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:19,080 Yes, I know I had a caesarean, darling. 200 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:20,200 But how do you think it feels 201 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,480 for me to wake up every morning 202 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,520 and look down and see her stomach still smiling 203 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,480 back up at her, hmm? 204 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,480 -Come on, let's go. -Can't put a price on that. 205 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:28,560 Oh, come on. 206 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,920 Let's go, darling. Little meeting, big lunch. 207 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,440 Come on, darling. 208 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,120 Do you think Quags or Daphne's? 209 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,760 (VOCALISING) 210 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,080 I don't know! Either way! Either way! 211 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,680 Right, I'm here! Don't panic. Everything's under control! 212 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,840 Mum, relax. We're on time. In fact, we're a bit early. 213 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,200 Look, Eddy, he's not here. 214 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,920 Let's make a quick getaway before the bastard arrives. 215 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,520 No, we can't, darling, can't. 216 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:51,880 Where's Bubble? Where's Bubble? 217 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,320 Oh, is this it? 218 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,640 Oh, God! Bubble! Wake up, Bubble! 219 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,280 Come on, wake up, darling. 220 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,800 Oh! 221 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,680 It's like tea-break on the set. Thunderbirds 222 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,240 Somebody operate her, please! 223 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,400 Mmm, jeepers creepers! 224 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,680 -Blimey, you're here! -EDINA: Yes. 225 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:09,960 Was I asleep? 226 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,240 Hard to tell. 227 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,680 I must have been here for hours. 228 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,960 (SIGHS) I'll be really annoyed if I've missed lunch! 229 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,960 It's 11:00. 230 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,560 It's just I'm really, really tired. 231 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,800 (SIGHS) Do we have to listen to all this? 232 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,800 (SIGHS) We've sort of got time on our hands now, 233 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,120 thanks to Saff. 234 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:27,560 I turned on the, hmm, 235 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,880 whatchamacallit this morning. 236 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,240 Radio? 237 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,240 I want to say telephone. 238 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,520 No. That's not right. That's not right. 239 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,160 You look at it. 240 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,880 -Television. -That's it! 241 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:45,240 Good Morning Television. Hello! 242 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,520 Which I don't normally do, 243 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:49,320 cos I find myself falling back to sleep like that! 244 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,320 Good Morning my God. Television, 245 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,320 If they could market that in pill form, 246 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,040 Switzerland would be plunged into a recession. 247 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:57,920 (HUFFS) 248 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,720 And, anyway, they said, "Leave home now. 249 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,160 "There's a strike on the buses." 250 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,640 It were really urgent. 251 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,520 So I did. And I got here hours ago. 252 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:06,840 On the tube? 253 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,560 No! I only live down the road. 254 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,320 I walk here. So they must be bonkers! 255 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,800 I wonder what they're telling everyone else? 256 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,200 (SCOFFS) Have you seen my accountant? 257 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,360 She's talking to you! 258 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:22,600 Oh! 259 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,560 What's he look like? 260 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,000 He looks like an accountant, sweetie, doesn't he? 261 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,160 A bitter paper-pusher, 262 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,160 always dealing with salaries larger than his own, 263 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,920 -and resenting every second. -EDINA: Mmm. 264 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:32,960 BUBBLE: Ugh! 265 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,920 Mum, come on! Let's get going! 266 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,520 How many times can you go to the toilet? 267 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:48,640 I just had to get rid of Bubble, that's all, darling. 268 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:50,160 I don't want her knowing my business. 269 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,160 Chance would be a fine thing! Right, sorry, Malcolm. 270 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,520 Look. All I want to know is how much money I've got 271 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,360 on my own, and then, you make it look like less 272 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,040 so my husbands can't cut me off, all right? 273 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,240 Well, first , I think we should look at the fiscal... 274 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:02,880 Oh, God, I'm bored! 275 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:06,440 Don't be intimidated, Eddy. I mean, look at him! 276 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,120 There's nothing macho about having an O-level in Maths, 277 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,120 a floppy disc and a personality bypass. 278 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,760 -Come on. Let's go to lunch. -Let's go! 279 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,880 Mum! This meeting is for you! 280 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,280 Malcolm has come here to talk to you, to help you. 281 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,160 Now, sit down and shut up! 282 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,040 I'm sorry, Malcolm. 283 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:25,720 (SIGHS) 284 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,200 All right. Go on. 285 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:28,360 Well, first of all, let me say 286 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,160 that the question of alimony is now settled. 287 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,760 Oh, well, there we are. Come on, Pats. 288 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,960 You are no longer receiving payments. 289 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:36,960 What? 290 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,600 You bastard! 291 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,920 They can't do that! 292 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,520 -They have! -(GASPS) 293 00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:47,920 You knew about this, didn't you, sweetie? 294 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,560 (WHIMPERS) Oh, Malcolm. 295 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,520 Am I... 296 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:58,160 -poor? -Just yes or no? 297 00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,880 -Let me explain. -Oh, no! 298 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,560 If you expend the 38%, 299 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,760 then all liabilities with the necessary adjustments 300 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,400 can be done in respect of your company, 301 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,440 which I find rather exciting! (CHUCKLES) 302 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,000 -However, with the accumulation 303 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,120 of overpayments on outstanding tax liabilities, 304 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,880 a lesser amount will be due. 305 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,680 So, let's move on to the... 306 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:26,840 Look, I just want to know how much money I've got! 307 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,280 Why will you never tell me? 308 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:30,360 Huh? 309 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,760 I mean, I've got two businesses, haven't I? 310 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,680 Oh, yes. Your "businesses". 311 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,360 (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) 312 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,720 What did you do then? What's that? What's that? 313 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,360 This is a... This is a top PR company. 314 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,920 There must be money in it, isn't there? 315 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,480 Well, there will always be talented, creative people 316 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,360 -in need of publicity. -If they were talented 317 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,440 and creative, they wouldn't need me. 318 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,000 We're talking Planet Hollywood. 319 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,120 Exactly. 320 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,080 Unfortunately, there's not much profit showing 321 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,120 at the moment. 322 00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,520 Oh, God, what about my shop? 323 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:00,560 (CHUCKLES) 324 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,800 We were wondering about that in the office. 325 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,080 Um, yes, stock seems to go in, and then come out, 326 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,240 but is never paid for. 327 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,800 Most of it is in our sitting room. 328 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:11,400 Oh, you didn't have to tell him that! 329 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,960 I like to think of my home as a showroom, all right? 330 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,800 Right, tell Mum what could she do, Malcolm. 331 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:16,880 Now, listen, Mum! 332 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,480 Listen, Mum. Listen, Mum. 333 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,840 Well, what you could do is sell off your businesses 334 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,120 and live quite happily on the proceeds. 335 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,440 Are you mad? 336 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,840 Do you mean make myself unemployed? 337 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,400 Have you any idea what the government do 338 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,480 to unemployed people, darling? 339 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:43,000 They are forced to do community service! 340 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,680 Putting loft insulation into urine-stinking 341 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,000 old people's homes for the incontinent! 342 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,200 Oh, not me, darling! 343 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,880 You two conspirators can think again! 344 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,360 (SIGHS) 345 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,000 Well, there's only one thing for it. 346 00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,960 We will have to go through your monthly bills 347 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,400 and see where a cut could be made. 348 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:04,600 (MUMBLES) 349 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:09,840 EDINA: Business. Business. 350 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,080 That's my flowers, that's business. 351 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:13,640 Pedicure and nose plucking. 352 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:14,800 Busi... 353 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,400 Don't look at me like that! 354 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:24,040 It is very important for business for me to look good! 355 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,920 And looking good costs money! 356 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,160 I'm not like Saffy. I can't walk around looking like a... 357 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,600 Stale old piece of toast! 358 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:30,720 Exactly! 359 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,720 It takes more than a cold flannel 360 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:39,200 and some Body Shop oatmeal scrub for me, you know. 361 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:40,720 I mean, I can't meet clients 362 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:43,720 smelling like an old bowl of porridge, can I, sweetie? 363 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,760 These are valid business expenses! 364 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:46,920 Jit Sag? 365 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,360 (SIGHS) It's my shiatsu. 366 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,600 Jeffrey Weinbaum? 367 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,000 Decorator. 368 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,040 Oh, yes. This one comes up again and again. 369 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,360 Don Alfonso de Columbo. 370 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,200 (SNIFFLING) 371 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:04,040 Yeah. That's, er, wicker baskets. 372 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,400 -Parasite! - You stop getting at Patsy! 373 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,320 It's not her fault, you know. 374 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,120 I mean, we're both here having to do all this, darling, 375 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,880 and he is doing nothing about this huge amount of tax 376 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:14,960 I'm still having to pay! 377 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,320 I am doing everything I can within the law. 378 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,360 Oh, God! 379 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,160 What is the point of having an accountant 380 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,240 if he's within the law? 381 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,680 I might as well do it myself. 382 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,480 In fact, I think I will. Right, I'm off. 383 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,680 (PATSY BUZZING) 384 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,520 Wasp, sweetie. Wasp. 385 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,120 She's gone to choose a smaller car. 386 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:42,920 I told her to get rid of that ridiculous driver 387 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,680 -and the limo. -You didn't tell her 388 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,600 I was paying for you to go to university, did you? 389 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,960 -I had to! -Oh, no! 390 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,760 I mean, it is all right, you know, money-wise? 391 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,120 -There's no real problem? -Dad, she's not poor! 392 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,440 She's got more money in little schemes and investments 393 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,160 than it's safe for her to know about! 394 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,520 Malcolm and I just frightened her 395 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,040 into slimming everything down a bit. 396 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,680 Oh, she's not a great slimmer, sweetie. 397 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,360 I mean, she could eat air and put on weight. 398 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,080 I intend to keep her thinking she's poor 399 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,120 for a while. 400 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,880 It may cut out the worst of her excesses. 401 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,720 Ooh! They say all daughters turn into their mothers! 402 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:11,960 Dad! 403 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,680 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 404 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,440 Oh, Jesus Christ! 405 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:16,680 EDINA: Saff! 406 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,000 Dad's here. Don't forget what you agreed. 407 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,400 I am civilised to my platform toes, darling. 408 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:26,440 Hello, Justin! 409 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:27,760 Edwina! 410 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:31,960 Can I get you a little coffee or something 411 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,720 from our new machine? 412 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:34,800 Although I'm not sure 413 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,440 we've got any coffee to go in it anymore 414 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,920 since Harrods no longer visit me daily. 415 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,480 The only delivery we get nowadays 416 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,400 is from the Red Cross! (CHUCKLES) 417 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,760 I suppose I could just go through the motions. 418 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,040 You'd probably like that, Justin. It'd be a little bit... 419 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,400 BOTH: Like our marriage! 420 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,560 (BOTH LAUGHING) 421 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,000 -Oh! -(BOTH LAUGH) 422 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,960 Isn't it rather lovely for you, darling, 423 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,040 to see Mummy and Daddy 424 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,960 sharing a joke like that, is it, sweetie? Mmm? 425 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,800 Well, I'm really glad you're taking this so well. 426 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,000 I just can't bloody believe that you're cutting me off 427 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,800 so you can send that to further education! 428 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,920 What kind of father are you? 429 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,760 (HUMMING) 430 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,360 Right, darling, Patsy and I are off shopping. 431 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,760 Pats. 432 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,440 -Just. -Pats. 433 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:22,720 Did you get a smaller car? 434 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,320 Yes, miniscule, darling. 435 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:28,160 -Practically a bicycle. -It's this big. It's this big. 436 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,240 Here's the list. 437 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,640 Here's the list. Shopping list. 438 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,920 "Shopping list for Mum"! 439 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,640 Thank you, darling. 440 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,080 (SCOFFS) "Milk". 441 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,560 "Milk." Where am I supposed to go for "milk"? 442 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,440 Food halls. On the left, past the fish. 443 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,040 Well, if we're going to the food halls, 444 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,520 we might as well get the lot there. 445 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,400 You can't get the food shopping from Harrods! 446 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:51,640 Of course you can. 447 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,800 You can't expect people who live in Knightsbridge 448 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,320 to eat out all the time! 449 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,640 Go to the supermarket! 450 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,880 The what, darling? 451 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,360 Supermarket shopping. 452 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,600 Eggs, cod steaks, apples for Saffy. 453 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,560 Eggs, cod steaks, apples... 454 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,200 That's not the car! 455 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,600 Smallest one I could find, darling. It's tiny. 456 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:23,280 Look, there's barely room for the basket in here, darling. 457 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,360 No room for you, I'm afraid. I told you so. 458 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,600 Unless Patsy wants you on her knee? Do you, darling? 459 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,880 No? Doesn't want you, darling. Safety first. 460 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,640 -EDINA: Buh-bye, sweetie! -(ENGINE STARTING) 461 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,320 BOTH: # Hotel California 462 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:50,920 # It's a lovely place Such a lovely place # 463 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,440 Come on, darling. Let's have the roof off. It's so bloody hot. 464 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,360 (PATSY HUMMING) 465 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,680 Oh! Ow! Ow! Pull over. Pull over, Ed. 466 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,120 Pull over. My head! My hair! Pull over! 467 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:07,400 Hang on, just... 468 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,200 (GRUNTING) 469 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,040 Oh, that's better. 470 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:15,920 PATSY: Go for it, Eddy! 471 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,920 (HONKING LOUDLY) 472 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,960 -What? Come on! -(HONKS) 473 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,480 Road! It's a road! 474 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,080 EDINA: Hooligans! 475 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:33,720 There's a supermarket down here. 476 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,800 There used to be a supermarket here! 477 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,640 What? What? 478 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:39,680 Come on! 479 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,400 (HORN BEEPING) 480 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,120 Don't you shake your head at me! 481 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:49,960 Watch your language! 482 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,560 Watch your language! 483 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,280 Watch it! 484 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,400 Watch your foul language! 485 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:58,600 Stupid! 486 00:19:58,640 --> 00:19:59,840 What? What?! 487 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,840 PATSY: Stupid cow! Come on, Ed, let's go! 488 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,320 Hello! 489 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,560 (SCOFFS) Oh, God! 490 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,600 Can you take a trolley, Pats? Bring a trolley. 491 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,880 -Oh, God! -Here we are, Ed. 492 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:45,120 Darling, I just can't push any more. 493 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,160 -But, sweetie... 494 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,560 -I haven't got the strength, darling. Come on! 495 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:50,880 God damn it. 496 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,200 It's all three. All three here. 497 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,680 -All right? -Eddy. 498 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,960 -Eddy, please, please! -Oh, darling! 499 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,840 -I can't afford champagne. Put it underneath. 500 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,960 Just the weekly shop for me, this. 501 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,360 Working mum. 502 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:25,960 Oh, nowhere to park! 503 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,960 Eddy, we've been round four times. 504 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,000 I'm just going to put it in here. 505 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,000 Just gonna put it in. 506 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,720 PATSY: Just go here, darling. 507 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,240 That's okay, Eddy. 508 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,520 -They know me here. All right. -We're not gonna be all day. 509 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,400 PATSY: There's a bar on the fifth floor. Might start there. 510 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,360 EDINA: Darling, I have to put my shoe on. 511 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:58,440 Darling, you have to slow down 512 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,920 when I'm walking in these shoes. I can't... 513 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,440 -Eddy, what's this? -What? 514 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:04,840 What is this? 515 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,000 Has that been there all the time? 516 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:08,840 Did you know I had this thing on? 517 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,000 What is it? 518 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,400 Oh, God! 519 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,000 (EDINA TALKING INDISTINCTLY) 520 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,000 God! Why does it have to be 521 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,160 in some underground shame hole like this? 522 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:22,920 Is this the Car Clamp Club? 523 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:32,240 I got this on my car. It's a little clamp, all right? 524 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:33,760 I mean, I left it there for ten minutes. 525 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,040 Do you understand? Ten minutes. 526 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,640 Until I get that car insured, it's a very expensive car. 527 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,800 I have to park it where I can see it. Do you understand? 528 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,240 -It's a scandal! -Seriously! 529 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,680 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 530 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,280 What do you mean, wait in my car for two or three hours? 531 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,840 What am I going to do for two bloody hours, huh? 532 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,040 Come by, come by. 533 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,800 What? What?! 534 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:03,800 What? 535 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,800 What? What? 536 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,920 Step out of the car, please, madam. 537 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,080 (HONKS) 538 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,000 What the hell... 539 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,480 You pig! What do you want? What are you doing to her? 540 00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:25,680 (HONKING) 541 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,120 I'm just taking my friend to hospital. 542 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,920 She's sick. 543 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,240 Eddy, I'm... I'll help. Hang on. 544 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,440 You pig! 545 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,480 Driving without a licence, driving without insurance, 546 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:48,080 not wearing a seatbelt, having no tax disc displayed, 547 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,200 driving over the legal speed limit, 548 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,680 driving under the influence of alcohol, 549 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:53,720 allowing another person 550 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:57,480 to drive your vehicle under the influence of alcohol. 551 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:01,440 In the region of £5,000 of parking fees owing, 552 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,960 £6,000 of damage to property, 553 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,520 charges of assault and abuse, 554 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,880 the charges of attempted murder and robbery 555 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:10,560 have been dropped. 556 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,720 -Shoplifting... -Get up! 557 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:16,760 My name is Patsy Stone. I'm an alcoholic. 558 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,560 And what she did was an act of humanitarian mercy. 559 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,480 That is hardly a reason to steal a crate of champagne! 560 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:23,600 Have you any idea 561 00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:25,480 how much champagne costs these days? 562 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:27,200 I was forced to steal it. 563 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,120 My daughter wouldn't have allowed me to buy it. 564 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,200 I must ask you to sit down 565 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,040 and stop wasting the court's time. 566 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,240 The sum of £50,000 567 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,880 to be paid by you in damages, 568 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,520 and a further fine of £2,000. 569 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,160 You will also be liable for all costs incurred. 570 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:45,360 Getting rid of the driver 571 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,960 was a little bit of a false economy, wasn't it, sweetie? 572 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,760 A lifetime ban on driving. 573 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,160 And finally, Mrs Monsoon... 574 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,560 Can I just say one word in my defence? Hmm? 575 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,200 I don't think that's a good idea, Mum. 576 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,000 Your mouth is working for the prosecution. 577 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,360 No, darling. This is what I do well, sweetie. 578 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,760 You might get some little tips for the Debating Society, 579 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,800 you never know. (CLEARS THROAT) 580 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,280 Without notes, Saff. 581 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:08,480 Thank you. Thank you. 582 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:09,960 Right. 583 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:13,160 I, the proposed accused, 584 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,160 think that... 585 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,160 Well, I mean, you know, 586 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,480 the day in question was not a good day for me, all right? 587 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,240 But I, I put it to you, 588 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,200 that I don't see how any day could've been 589 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:25,720 the way this bloody country's run. 590 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,800 You know, I was just trying to do my best. 591 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:32,560 Trying to get from A to B, do a little shopping. 592 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:35,400 I was trying to take control of my life, you know. 593 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,720 Only to find that, actually, it is controlled for me 594 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:42,480 by petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper! 595 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,400 Ignorant bloody, petty rules and laws 596 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,680 that just obstruct every tiny little action, 597 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:50,360 until you find you've committed a crime 598 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:51,800 without even knowing it! 599 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,080 I mean, you know... 600 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,480 Why can't life just be made a little easier 601 00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,640 for everybody, huh? 602 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,840 Why can't it be more like the continent? Hmm? 603 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,480 You know, where a man can just park his car 604 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:06,600 on the pavement, 605 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,640 and then run down the street in front of charging bulls 606 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,960 whilst letting fireworks off out of his bloody nostrils 607 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,360 without anyone blinking an eye. Huh? 608 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,200 God, it's probably a local holiday, and nobody's at work 609 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,520 because they all want to have just a little bit of fun, 610 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:22,920 and they are not intimidated by some outdated work ethic! 611 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,840 I mean, there has to be more to life than just being safe! 612 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,480 Is there a point to all this? 613 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:29,600 (SHUDDERS) 614 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,800 Yes! Yes! 615 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:39,440 Why, oh, why do we pay taxes, hmm? 616 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,280 I mean, just to have bloody parking restrictions 617 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:45,000 and buggery, ugly traffic wardens, 618 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:48,680 and bollocky pedestrian bloody crossings, you know. 619 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:52,360 (SCOFFS) And those bastard railings outside shops 620 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,560 so you can't even get in them! 621 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,120 I mean, I know they're there to stop stupid people 622 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,520 running into the street and killing themselves, 623 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,480 but we're not all stupid! 624 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,040 We don't all need nursemaiding! 625 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,640 I mean, why not just have a stupidity tax? 626 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,400 Just tax the stupid people! 627 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,280 -Let them die! -Yes! 628 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,880 Any more of this ridiculous rant 629 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,280 and I'll put you both away! 630 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:16,480 Hear, hear! 631 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:23,360 Edwina Margaret Rose Monsoon, 632 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,160 I hereby sentence you to... 633 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:09,520 Community service. 634 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:12,320 Oh! Oh, you've come to do the loft! 635 00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:13,640 Come in. 636 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:15,080 Bring it this way. 637 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,480 It's all your bloody fault, you know, this. 638 00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:18,720 (WHISPERS) Come on.