1 00:00:00,480 --> 00:00:02,920 (FIRE ALARM RINGING) SAFFY: Fire! 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:04,800 Mum, wake up. Fire! 3 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,600 Yes, hello. Fire Service, please. 4 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:14,800 34 Claremont Avenue, London W11 4BS. Thank you. 5 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:17,800 Come on, Mum, let's wait outside. 6 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,440 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) 7 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,120 Mum! 8 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:24,520 (SIRENS WAILING) 9 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,360 Mum, come on, please. There's a fire in the kitchen! 10 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:31,840 I'm trying to put something on, sweetie. 11 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:33,560 Mum! We're gonna die if we don't get out now! 12 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,200 It doesn't matter what you wear! Come on! 13 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:36,800 Oh, God! I just hate all my clothes! 14 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,200 Why have I never got anything to wear, sweetie? 15 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,760 What, what, what shall I put on? 16 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:43,640 I'm just so fat, fat, fat, fat! 17 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:46,040 Why won't my cells stop dividing and multiplying? 18 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,960 Mum, there is a fire downstairs! 19 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,320 We have to evacuate the building. You must leave now! 20 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,640 That's easy for you to say, you've got a bloody uniform! 21 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,000 It's hard for the rest of us. 22 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,120 Thank you. It's nice that you... 23 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,080 Where did you get those uniforms? They're nice. 24 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:05,240 Well, that's about it, then. 25 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:06,800 What do you think could've caused it? 26 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,600 -Could've been a cigarette... -Patsy! 27 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,360 Where was she? 28 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:11,400 Down there. 29 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,160 She couldn't... She couldn't be down there. 30 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,080 She'd never let six grown men out alive. She can't be... 31 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:26,120 Oh... 32 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:30,800 Oh, my God! 33 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,040 Patsy! 34 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,440 She inhaled our kitchen! 35 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:51,720 I just, um... 36 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,680 I just nodded off. Um... 37 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:21,840 Hello. 38 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,920 Bah, bah, shoes off, sweetie. 39 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,040 Shoes off. 40 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:28,440 Hello, darling. 41 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:31,320 Sit. Sit. 42 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,640 You should do something about Patsy. 43 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:37,920 What do you mean, darling? 44 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:40,560 Send her to a clinic or something before she kills us! 45 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,440 Oh, she's been to a clinic, darling. 46 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,920 They didn't have enough room for all the toxic waste 47 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,080 they pumped out of her. 48 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,080 Even Japan refused to take it! 49 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,440 She's been dried out, darling. 50 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,120 It made absolutely no difference. 51 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,360 EDINA: Pats! 52 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,680 Oh, hello, Eddy. It's such a beautiful day out there. 53 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:04,440 The sun's so bright it's almost blinding, like... 54 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,800 Like shards of glass just piercing the clouds! 55 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,080 Every second of my journey here is just blazed into my memory. 56 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,640 I feel fantastic. 57 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:14,720 Champagne? 58 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:15,760 Oh, yeah. Thanks, Ed. 59 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:19,760 Mmm-hmm. 60 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:23,720 Oh, Eddy. 61 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,160 If Pats wanted to do something about it, darling, she would. 62 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,920 Give me a little hand here, would you? 63 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:28,960 What are you doing? 64 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,880 I'm throwing out all my clothes, of course. 65 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:31,960 Why? 66 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,880 For insurance. Um... 67 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,680 It's fire damage, sweetie, all this. Fire damage, darling. 68 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,760 Well, I could take these down to the charity shop. 69 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,040 (SPLUTTERING) 70 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,640 You cannot give these sort of clothes to the poor! 71 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,600 God, I'm sure they've got enough to contend with 72 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,120 without the humiliation of wearing last season's, sweetie. 73 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,800 You haven't worn a lot of these. 74 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,720 Why would you buy something and then not wear it? 75 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,120 I don't know, darling! What is this? The Krypton Factor? 76 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,120 Should I do the obstacle course now? 77 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,040 Have you made a decision about the kitchen yet? 78 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,080 No, but I will. 79 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,120 I think we should change it, don't you? 80 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:12,280 I was bored of the old... 81 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,640 Oh, damn! 82 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,640 They could bloody do this room while they're at it! 83 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,160 I hate Japanese now! 84 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,400 This was your dream. I wondered how long it would last. 85 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:23,360 I'm just fed up of stubbing my toe on everything, sweetie. 86 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,560 And getting down on a futon is one thing, 87 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,920 but getting up is quite another, darling. 88 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,160 And it's just lucky everything's at ground level. 89 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,480 So, I can get to it just by rolling, sweetie. Look. 90 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,400 Here. Put those in the pile. 91 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:41,680 (GROANS) 92 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,400 Help your mama up. Help mama. 93 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,360 Um, you're going out tonight, aren't you? 94 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,400 Yes, sweetie. 95 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,440 Good, because I've got some friends coming round. 96 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,640 Well, then definitely, sweetie! 97 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,280 We've got to watch a documentary on TV. 98 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,680 Oh, all right. 99 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,920 What is it that's different about you today, hmm? 100 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,000 What is it? 101 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,400 You've got the top button open on your... 102 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,800 What are we calling this, a blouse, sweetie? A blouse. 103 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,240 Have your shoulder pads slipped...? 104 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,160 Oh, stop it! 105 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,360 Nothing to be ashamed of! 106 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,160 You're getting a bit of a big girl, aren't you? 107 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,320 (DOORBELL BUZZING) 108 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,080 Oh, that'll be the bike with the swatches. 109 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,920 I'd better go down. The front door's buggered. 110 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,600 And don't you take any of those clothes 111 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,560 off to the homeless while I'm downstairs. 112 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,800 I haven't forgotten, darling, that time I was accosted, 113 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,480 by that mentally deranged down-and-out meths drinker 114 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,080 who leapt out of a cardboard box 115 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,840 wearing a Vivienne Westwood catsuit and Chanel suede mules! 116 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,480 Still haven't recovered from that, sweetie. 117 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,160 Only because he looked better in them. 118 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,880 (EDINA BLOWING RASPBERRIES) 119 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,400 Oh, I just like them all, sweetheart! 120 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,840 I like every picture in here. 121 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:02,160 I like. I want, I want... 122 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,440 Every picture in here, sweetie. I mean... 123 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,440 I want people to think I'm all these types of thing, 124 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,200 you know, sweetie. I mean... 125 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,200 I know it should reflect my personality, but... 126 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,560 God forbid! 127 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,160 Sweetie, this is it style-wise. Look at this, sweetie. 128 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,000 Irish Crofter's Cottage. Mmm-mmm. 129 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,440 Mum, it's a kitchen! 130 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,640 It needs a cooker, not a peat-fired oven. 131 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:23,680 Aw! 132 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,920 Can't be bothered to think about it now anyway. 133 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,320 (TV PLAYING SOFTLY) Well, when? 134 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:30,640 (TURNS TV OFF) 135 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,480 We can't go on living in this room like this! 136 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:34,240 Oh! Not big enough for you, sweetie? 137 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:35,400 Let me see what I can do! 138 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:36,560 (MOCK GRUNT) 139 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,360 Hang on. No, sweetie, no. 140 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,280 (MOCK GRUNT) 141 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,080 It's as big as it gets, I'm afraid, darling. 142 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,280 What you mean is it's just not big enough when you wanna 143 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,080 hog the whole room with your lichen friends 144 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,600 and watch some dull, nil-rated, narrated doco! 145 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:52,800 Stop it! 146 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:56,240 I rather like living like this. It's a bit like the war, dear. 147 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,440 -"A bit like the war"? -Leave it, Mum! 148 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,640 What does she mean, "It's a bit like the war"? 149 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:04,960 Is it a bit like the war but without the drab fashion, 150 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,000 the powdered eggs, the rationing, the bombing... 151 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,400 In fact, without the war, yeah! 152 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:11,680 It's a bit like the war without the war, isn't it? 153 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:13,280 You always have to say something, 154 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,200 you can't let anything just go by! 155 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,480 I can, I can. 156 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:21,760 (TV PLAYING) 157 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,800 Mum, I want Channel 4! You're going out, aren't you? 158 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:26,880 Mum? 159 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:34,040 (MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY) 160 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,720 Am I allowed to say something now? 161 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:37,760 Cos if I am, then yes, 162 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,880 I'm going out when Patsy gets here, all right? 163 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,320 God. 164 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,280 Oh, it's just the news on this one, sweetie. 165 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,880 -Can't we have MTV? -No, I don't want to miss it! 166 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,280 What's it about, dear? 167 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:48,520 Well, in layman's terms... 168 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,640 Sex, is it? 169 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,120 The beginnings of life. Conception to birth. 170 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,120 Oh, birth! That's changed so much since my day. 171 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,400 -What do you mean it's changed? -Mum! 172 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,120 Well, dear. They'd whip you into hospital, 173 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,160 no questions asked, 174 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,560 and take your tonsils out as a precaution. 175 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,200 We're much more relaxed these days. 176 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,600 We are? Are we? Are we? 177 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,320 In my day, they could incarcerate you 178 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,280 in a high-security asylum 179 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,240 just for not having a whiter-than-white wash. 180 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,160 -Oh, Gran! -Oh, yes, dear, 181 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,480 and in those days, it was the bromide sedatives or ECT. 182 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:24,680 What's ECT? 183 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,160 Electric shock treatment, dear. 184 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,680 It's all highly addictive. 185 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,560 I still can't pass a plug socket 186 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,880 without getting the urge to put my finger in. 187 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,320 Well, I wish you would! 188 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,360 Don't be so impressed with her, anyway, sweetie. 189 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,400 Darling. Don't be so impressed, sweetie, darling. 190 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,280 Sweetie, darling. Sweetie, darling. 191 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,920 Sweetie-darling. Sweetie-darling. 192 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,200 You don't mind me calling you that, do you, sweetie? 193 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,120 Eh, darling? Oh, well, it's started. 194 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,600 It's hard to break a habit like that after so many years. 195 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:00,880 It started because you couldn't remember my name 196 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,280 for the first three years! 197 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:04,680 Don't be ridiculous, darling! 198 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:07,000 You didn't have a name for the first four, did she? 199 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,120 It. Thing. Thing-It. 200 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:14,920 Kettle Crisps? 201 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,200 Kettle Crisps?! 202 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,840 You don't normally have Kettle Crisps 203 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:21,960 with your friends, do you? 204 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,840 There's always some dried old pumpkin seeds 205 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,840 and a small pack of Golden Wonder in it for them. 206 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,200 I think I can feel one of my heads coming on, dear. 207 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:30,680 Have you any aspirin? 208 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,440 Or some of that homophobic remedy you gave me last time? 209 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,120 -It was very good. -Homeopathic. I'll get them. 210 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,240 You knew that! 211 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,720 We're not amused. 212 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:43,040 Now, what're you doing? What are you still doing here? 213 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,360 Well, I'm just keeping Saffy company, dear. 214 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,800 She doesn't need your sort of old-woman company! 215 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,840 You're a burden to her, you know. You should get out 216 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,280 and hang out with some people your own age for once. 217 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,480 Hopefully, she'll get horribly lonely and find a life. 218 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,040 Why are these bottles all empty? 219 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,360 They were in your room. 220 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,200 I was very sick last night, darling. 221 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,480 All of them? 222 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,320 Well, I was hungry! 223 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,480 It was the only thing that didn't have calories in it. 224 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,280 I mean, what's the problem? -PATSY: Eddy! 225 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:15,360 -Oh, here she is. 226 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,240 Ah! Here she is. The human barbecue. 227 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:19,680 Are we going out, Eddy? 228 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,440 Yeah. Do you want a little drink or something first? 229 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:23,960 I think I'll pop off, dear. 230 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,440 I'll just nip home and get an aspirin. 231 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,560 -OK, Gran. -Good. 232 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,800 Um, you have to pull the door hard and lock it with the keys 233 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:30,920 until we get it replaced. 234 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,080 I think I can manage that. 235 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,120 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) 236 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,480 (BOTH SCREAMING) 237 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,600 Give it to her! Give it to her! 238 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,400 (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING ON TV) 239 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,200 It's Top of the Pops, darling. 240 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,280 -We got time to watch the Pops? -There's no rush. 241 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,040 Mum, you can't stay. You promised! 242 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,920 We'll be going out in a minute, sweetie. 243 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,960 Oh, God! What's happened to this programme anyway? 244 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,240 Can't they find anyone to present it who doesn't look 245 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,440 like a mannequin from Next's children's department? 246 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:08,880 "I'm Simon Mayo." 247 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,360 The bands are just second-rate crap. 248 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,000 Bands I didn't like the first time round. 249 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,080 I wish someone would shoot Genesis. Look at them. 250 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,640 Evil-looking creeps playing dull, soulless dance music. 251 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:21,240 (HUMMING TUNELESSLY) 252 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,680 You're showing your age. 253 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,040 God, I hate all this '70s revival crap as well! 254 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,680 Yeah, it's just watered-down crap! 255 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,040 I mean, look at Lenny Kravitz there at number 30, 256 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,920 thinks he's Jimi bloody Hendrix. 257 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,320 The genius of Jimi Hendrix was that he could stand up at all, 258 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:37,880 he was so pumped full of so many drugs. 259 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,320 Exactly! Exactly! 260 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,520 Might have choked and died at any second, 261 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:42,640 that was the thrill. 262 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,840 Who dies in their own vomit these days? 263 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,360 Nobody! Nobody! 264 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,440 I wish some of them would, though. 265 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,960 You know, I don't think that 266 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,600 "Kylie Minogue chokes on vegetarian sausage after 267 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,920 "all night not-drinking binge in safe celebrity nightspot" 268 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,640 has quite the same ring about it. 269 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,040 Sorry, I know you like her, sweetie. I know you like her. 270 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,400 I'm sorry about that, darling. 271 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,240 You can't play rock and roll on a diet of Quorn, 272 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,600 veggie juice and Linda bloody McCartney's tofu treats! 273 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,480 I've seen the ones you've got in the fridge anyway, darling. 274 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,800 It's getting out of control, all these new revivals. 275 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:16,960 Revivals. I mean, 276 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,040 soon they'll just be reviving what we had on last week! 277 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,160 Get your clothes back from the dry cleaners 278 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,600 -and it's a revival! -Uh-huh! 279 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,800 Ridiculous. It's an endless stream of music, music, 280 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,640 old music, new music, old music, new music, 281 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,400 fashion, fashion, music, music, music, music! 282 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:32,640 It's like a mirror ball 283 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,440 spinning around inside my head. 284 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,160 Why won't it just stop?! 285 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,880 For most people at your age, it does. 286 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:39,960 Switch it off, sweetie. 287 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,480 (TURNS TV OFF) 288 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,760 Yeah, give me the Stones any day, Eddy. 289 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,880 -Yeah. -Hey, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy. 290 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,280 Remember that weekend with Mick and the boys? 291 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,960 Oh, fantastic! 292 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,360 Fabulous days. 293 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:55,520 Patsy used to go out with Keith Moon, sweetie. 294 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:56,560 PATSY: Yeah. 295 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,360 Well, sort of, you know. 296 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,440 I mean, woke up underneath him in a hotel bedroom once. 297 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,000 That was going steady for the '60s, believe me. 298 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,640 Look, Mum, if you're not watching TV, can you just go? 299 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,240 What is your problem? Huh? 300 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,360 What is your problem? 301 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,400 I mean, it's not as if you gotta get rid of your mother 302 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,560 so you can have your boyfriend round, is it? 303 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,520 I mean, we'd be out of here like a shot if there was 304 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,840 a chance of you having a heavy snogging session on the... 305 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,880 Kettle Crisps, top button... 306 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,200 You have, haven't you, sweetie...? 307 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,080 -Mum, don't! -(GIBBERING) 308 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,000 -I've got to make a phone call. -No, no, no, no. 309 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,640 Oh, my God, I'm having a palpitation. 310 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,400 She's scored, she's scored. Hang on. 311 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,880 Patsy and I will go as soon as he gets here. 312 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,240 No! I don't want you to meet him. 313 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,840 All right, I'll go now. We're going now. 314 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,400 Come on, get up, Patsy. 315 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:04,840 Move out of the room, Pats. 316 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:06,720 Move out slowly, slowly, slowly. 317 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,360 Don't frighten Saffy. Don't frighten Saffy. 318 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,720 Just go to the door, go to the door. 319 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:13,960 Sofa... 320 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,640 (IN FRENCH ACCENT) Ze crisps. 321 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:16,840 Undo your buttons, sweetie. 322 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,240 Open the door! Open the door! 323 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,200 -Open the... -It's stuck! It's stuck! 324 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:24,720 What do you mean, "It's stuck"? 325 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,880 (MUMBLING) It's stuck! What do you mean, "It's..."? 326 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,800 It's locked! 327 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,600 That stupid bloody woman! 328 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,080 It's not her fault! 329 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,840 Well, the door didn't lock itself, did it? 330 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,600 She just misunderstood what door I meant. 331 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,440 -What's happened?! -We're locked in, Pats. 332 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,560 No, no, no! 333 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,000 Out the way, out the way. I'm going. 334 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,320 Out the way, here we go. 335 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,600 It opens inwards! 336 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,520 Leave it, Pats. Leave it. 337 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,560 How long will she be? She might not come back! 338 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,720 What if there's a fire? 339 00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,520 She just went to get an aspirin. 340 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,320 Phone's dead, darling. 341 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,480 Yes, well, the fire knocked that out! 342 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,040 Don't you look at her like that. 343 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,480 Jesus Christ, the amount you forgive that old woman! 344 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,400 She's the one that locked us in here, sweetie! 345 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,640 We wouldn't even be here 346 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,280 if you hadn't been planning your disgusting bloody 347 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,960 snogging session on the sofa with your lover boy! 348 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,440 Shut up! 349 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,960 Don't tell her to shut up. 350 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,560 She's just trying to be nice! 351 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,320 Come on, sweetie, it's all right. Come on, sweetie. 352 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:32,920 You know, don't be so uptight about it. 353 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,400 You know, you should talk about it. 354 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,800 -Don't be so embarrassed... -Oh, stop it! 355 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:39,120 Oh, my God! 356 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:40,720 How long is it gonna take that old woman 357 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,160 to score a tab of aspirin? 358 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,400 I could score acid quicker. 359 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:54,040 (MOUTHING) 360 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,000 If there's anything you want, darling, you know, 361 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,520 if you want to use my bedroom, feel free, I don't mind. 362 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,560 You know, if he wants a... 363 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,280 (BLOWING RASPBERRIES) ..condom or anything. 364 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,720 Or a blindfold. 365 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:16,920 Shut up! 366 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,200 (MOUTHING) 367 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,960 How come she gets a date? I don't get dates any more. 368 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,400 You get dates, don't you, Pats? 369 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:28,640 Oh, I get dates, yeah. 370 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,120 Only if she pays the right price. 371 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:40,720 You want a little nibble, sweetie? 372 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:43,320 Bombay mix? 373 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,320 Listen to Mummy's funny voice doing that one again. 374 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,960 Bombay mix, sweetie. 375 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,040 Why didn't you tell me about him, sweetie? 376 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,120 Because I didn't want you to know about it, all right? 377 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,480 All right. 378 00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:58,960 -I'm your friend. -No! 379 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,680 I'm your friend, Eddy. You don't need her! 380 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,160 It's just, have you any idea 381 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,040 how exciting this is for me, darling? 382 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,080 Yes! 383 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,120 I mean, I just think it's my duty to guide you 384 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,760 through your first sexual experience, darling. 385 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,160 I mean, you know the facts of life. 386 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,840 I did... 387 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,800 I did tell you the facts of life, didn't I, sweetie? 388 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,280 If you mean that time you sat on my bed 389 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,000 and shook me awake at 2:00 in the morning, 390 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,480 stoned out of your brain, and then slurred into my ear, 391 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,360 "By the way, sweetie, people have it off," 392 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:28,920 then yes, you told me the facts of life! 393 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,440 Well, if there are any gaps you want me to fill in, 394 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:36,480 just let me know. 395 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:41,800 Oh, God! 396 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:43,200 (TV PLAYING) 397 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,520 Ooh, Mum, I need to watch that programme. 398 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,320 Oh, no, darling, it's not the documentary, is it? 399 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,000 Sweetie, we can't watch that! 400 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:55,000 I mean, Claire Rayner narrating the journey of the sperm? 401 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,880 It's like watching a cookery demonstration 402 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,960 -by Hannibal Lecter. -Yeah, I know. 403 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,280 We can't watch that, darling. No way! No, darling. 404 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,560 Darling, if you wanna learn about that sort of thing, 405 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,000 you should do it like every other normal girl. 406 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,560 How? 407 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,640 Cosmo sex quiz, sweetie. 408 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,800 Come on, sweetie. Cosmo sex quiz. 409 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,680 We'll do it together, darling. We'll do it together, sweetie. 410 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,960 Come on, mum and daughter will do it together. 411 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,440 Shall we, sweetie? There it is. 412 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,640 It's multiple choice, darling, all right? 413 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,160 A, B or C. 414 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:30,720 "A: Is he shaggable? 415 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,200 "B: Are you shagging? C: Have you shagged?" 416 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,440 Oh, so nil rating on that one for you, isn't it? 417 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,920 What other advice can we give her, darling? Huh? 418 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,480 Be careful of wigs. 419 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,280 Don't listen to that one, sweetie. 420 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:50,640 You don't need to know that one. 421 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,560 Always get his number, cos he'll never call you back. 422 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,160 That's a good one. Now, this one. 423 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,080 "B - Snogging." Who's snogging? 424 00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,400 Ugh, don't like snogging. 425 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,760 I'm not much of an expert on snogging, darling. 426 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,000 I had two husbands, 427 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,960 one was too short, one was gay. 428 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,120 If you want to know how to peck a dwarf on the cheek 429 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,000 cos he's walking out of the house to a disco 430 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,280 wearing your dress, then I'm your girl! 431 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,680 Ignore her, Eddy. 432 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,120 Oh, God... 433 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,560 She's like some emotional yo-yo. 434 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,280 You upset, sweetie? 435 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,640 I saw crying. Crying. 436 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:32,000 I'm upset too, sweetie. Mummy's upset as well. 437 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,520 Give me a hug, darling. 438 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:34,840 (MOCK CRYING) 439 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,880 Squish, squish. Oh... 440 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,800 Squish, squish. Oh, squish, squish... 441 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,560 I don't do that thing you do. I can't do that... 442 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,920 tears thing you do, darling. 443 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,440 Squish, squish. Squish, squish. 444 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,240 Come on, don't go all silent on me, darling. Come on! 445 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,720 Where's that horrid little budgerigar girl? 446 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,760 -(SOBS) -Oh, God! 447 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,920 -Are you all right? -I will be. 448 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,240 Well, what can I do? 449 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,480 Nothing, I'm OK! 450 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,000 Miserable little turnip. 451 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,320 It's a good sign, you know. 452 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,480 What? 453 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,040 It's a good sign that you're crying, sweetie. 454 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,240 You should get in touch with your feelings more often. 455 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,040 I am in touch with them, Mum! 456 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,800 I'm not the one that has to pay £3,000 457 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,040 for a weekend workshop for some cross-legged conman 458 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,400 with a red dot on his forehead to tweeze them out for me! 459 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,440 Conman? 460 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,280 Sher Abu Korma, darling... 461 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,880 ..is a genuine reincarnation of Abu Babu, 462 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:39,680 high priest of the spiritual leader, Sag Aloo. 463 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,080 Conman. 464 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,080 Besides, I've checked. 465 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,640 He doesn't keep all the money for himself, you know. 466 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,560 Half of it goes to the rebirthing centre, 467 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:50,720 and half of it goes to pay off 468 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,720 the debts he ran up in a previous life, all right? 469 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,280 There's a vegetarian lunch included in that price as well, 470 00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,400 don't forget that. 471 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,520 God, honestly. 472 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,000 Look what you made me do now! 473 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,360 Look at this! Look what you made me do. Look! 474 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,200 Look at this, look. 475 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:08,760 You've made me go foetal. Look at this! 476 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,440 I've gone all foetal. Look! 477 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,000 (MIMICKING CHILD) Oh, Mama. 478 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,120 I've been rebirthing. 479 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,720 Actually, you should try that, darling, rebirthing, yeah. 480 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,920 That she was born once is enough for me. 481 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:24,160 Ooh, here I go, sweetie. Here I go. 482 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,440 This is all your fault. You know, here I go, darling. 483 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,600 Oh, down through all those tubes. 484 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,080 Hello, organs. Hello, ovaries. 485 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,600 Just one last little cough for me, mummy-to-be. 486 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:36,880 (COUGHS) 487 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:40,520 (BABY WAILING) 488 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,400 There we are, Mum. Untouched by human hand. 489 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,720 EDINA: Ugh, Get that thing away from me! 490 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,800 Oh, where am I? Clank, clank, clank. 491 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,480 It's those lights, sweetie. 492 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:10,840 Oh, yes. 493 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:12,760 That woman's got a lot to answer for. 494 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,640 She made Eraserhead look like Emmerdale bloody Farm, sweetie. 495 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:18,040 She didn't take her rubber gloves off 496 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:19,200 for the first 12 years. 497 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,280 I mean, then it was just injections, injections, 498 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,360 chemicals, chemicals, polio, vaccine, vaccine 499 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,280 bottle chemicals, bottle chemicals. 500 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,920 It was my generation made ICI what it is today, darling! 501 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,720 No wonder we turned to flower power. 502 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,160 At least Gran loved you. I know you never wanted me. 503 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:33,480 I know I was a mistake. 504 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,320 Pretty accurate so far. 505 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,840 Not a mistake, sweetie, just a... 506 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,000 little miscalculation. You know, it doesn't matter! 507 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:45,760 What difference does it make now, sweetie? 508 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:47,880 Mum, the difference between knowing you're wanted 509 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:49,960 and knowing that you're not is quite big, you know! 510 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,720 It's like going to a party where you know 511 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,640 you're not invited, no matter how polite people are! 512 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:56,560 Ooh, very clever thing to say, eh? 513 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,400 I suppose you think you gatecrashed my party. 514 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,000 -Is that it, darling? -I know I did. 515 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,800 Oh, you little bitch troll from hell! 516 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,360 You mean, ungrateful little bit of dirt! 517 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,960 You think you've had it so hard. 518 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:16,200 I never had the things you had when I was born. 519 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:17,560 Oh, here we go. 520 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:22,680 No, I never had friends or parties or presents, you know? 521 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,200 The first few years of my life, I was just locked in a room! 522 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,880 Or just trailing along behind my mother 523 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:31,320 in her sickening musk-laden wake, 524 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:34,560 just hoping that she'd just turn around and notice me, 525 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:38,160 just say something to me, touch me or ask me something or... 526 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:41,520 -Send you to school. -Yeah, anything! 527 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,560 My mother didn't give birth, she had something removed! 528 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,680 Behold! 529 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:52,480 I am that which must overcome itself again and again! 530 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,000 Oh! 531 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:57,440 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 532 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,000 -Come. -(WOMAN SINGING SOFTLY) 533 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:04,000 Come now, claw your way out of my body, oh, alien soul. 534 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,840 Who has ears to hear, let him hear. 535 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:13,840 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 536 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,520 I've been ploughed. 537 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:20,320 Let the swamp-blood flow forth. Yes! 538 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:23,320 Come now! Enter the world. 539 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,840 You tiny mediocrity. 540 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:32,200 Petite void! Pallid horror! 541 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,200 (CONTINUES SINGING) 542 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:39,480 (SCREAMING DRAMATICALLY) 543 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,640 Come, come! Rip it from me. Let me be free. 544 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:43,760 (BABY CRYING) 545 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,480 Cut the cord, cut the cord, cut the cord! 546 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,640 I can feel it draining my energy! 547 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:53,160 Let it trail no longer, my ball and chain. 548 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:55,840 (SIGHS DEEPLY) 549 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,120 What kind is it, huh? 550 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:02,800 C'est une fille. 551 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:05,240 Fille? 552 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,040 Aw, shit. 553 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:12,000 I name the child... 554 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:15,640 Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra 555 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,280 Dido Bathsheba Rabelais 556 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:22,720 Patricia Cocteau... 557 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:24,080 Stone! 558 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,280 Now take it away! 559 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,680 And bring me another lover. 560 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:33,400 I could've been clever. 561 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:34,560 Could you? 562 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,280 Yes! 563 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,000 I could've gone to university! 564 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:39,560 All those wasted years, 565 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,680 and there you are, rubbing it in! 566 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,360 -I resent you! -No, you don't. 567 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,680 Yes, I do. I hate you! 568 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,200 Just when my life hit a good patch, 569 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,080 along you came, you miserable piece of flesh! 570 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:51,600 You should've ended up in the dustbin! 571 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:53,320 The incinerator was too good for you. 572 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:55,560 You know, when I heard that Eds was pregnant, 573 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,680 I told her to abort! "Abort, abort, abort," I said! 574 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,560 "Chuck it down the pan, bring me..." 575 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:01,640 A knitting needle? 576 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:02,960 A knitting needle! 577 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,840 (EXCLAIMS) 578 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,040 (SCREAMING) 579 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,720 (ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) 580 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,840 (MUMBLING GIBBERISH) 581 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:24,720 Nuh, ah-ah! 582 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,280 Still, the more you quarrel, the less you hate, darling, 583 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:34,400 -that's what Sag Aloo says. -Don't take her side! 584 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,560 I'm not taking her side. 585 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,080 (WHINING) 586 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:41,480 -My... -(WHINING) 587 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:46,920 When you were three years old, 588 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,360 we tied you to the central reservation of a motorway. 589 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:53,680 Shut up! 590 00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:00,040 That's one of Patsy's funny little jokes, darling. 591 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:01,680 (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 592 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:03,320 Anyway, you were like a homing pigeon. 593 00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:06,600 You were back within the week, so it isn't... 594 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,360 What was my birth like? 595 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,440 Your birth... 596 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:11,880 Shut up. Shut up! 597 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,040 It was beautiful, darling. 598 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:18,440 It was gorgeous, it was lovely. 599 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:21,320 I knew it was the best moment of my life, darling. 600 00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:22,960 It was like... 601 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:24,720 What's that lovely film? 602 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,840 Bambi! 603 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,160 It was like Bambi. In a lovely forest glade, darling. 604 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:31,400 We were like those little... 605 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:33,440 Dogs, were they? 606 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:34,520 Deer! 607 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,960 Deer! We were like those little deer, darling. 608 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,120 It was lovely. It was so beautiful, sweetie. 609 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,440 (GROANING) 610 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:45,000 -But you must have painkillers! -No, no, I don't need any. 611 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:46,760 You need drugs. 612 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,080 Give the drugs to Patsy. 613 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:50,840 Yes! 614 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:52,000 (GROANING) 615 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,240 -You're so brave! -I know. 616 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,760 I want this baby to be born on a carpet of roses. 617 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,360 I will suffer any pain for this baby. 618 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,920 It was lovely, darling. 619 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:13,480 From the moment you were born, I knew I wanted you, darling. 620 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:17,040 I did. Mummy wanted you, sweetie. 621 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,000 Oh... 622 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,080 However, the day after... 623 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:22,120 Shut up! 624 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,160 Oh, it's rather stuffy in here, dear. 625 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:28,600 Saffy, are you all right? 626 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,120 Why are you so close to your mother like that? 627 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,280 We're just bonding. It's nothing you'd know about. 628 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:36,520 We going to this party, Ed? 629 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,560 What's she been saying to you, dear? 630 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:40,440 Oh, she's been telling me about my birth, Gran. 631 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:41,840 Oh, you know you mustn't 632 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:44,080 believe a word your mother says, dear. 633 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:45,560 Never mind, Gran's here now. 634 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:50,280 Something in a blue cagoule is hovering outside. 635 00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:17,760 Are you coming to this party or what? 636 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:18,920 I'm just waiting for the lady 637 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:20,360 from the adoption agency to turn up. 638 00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:22,280 Just run along and have a look. See if you see her. 639 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:27,120 I might just leave it with a note. 640 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:28,920 What's it looking at me for? 641 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:31,840 What?!