Let's kick arse, sweetie.
If they can be delivered this afternoon, that'll be fine.
But check on that. Check on that.
Now, Bobby, I don't like that. I don't like that.
I don't want that, I just want those.
-Morning, darling. -Morning.
Thank you, sweetie.
(ALARM RINGS)
Do you hear that?
Do you hear that noise, that bell?
What is it, sweetie?
Ah! Stop it, stop it. Stop... Stop it. Stop it.
(ALARM STOPS)
Goodnight!
Help me, darling. Saff, Saff, Saff!
Tinnitus! Tinntilus! Tinntillitus!
Darling, sweetheart, dar...
It's gone. It's cleared, it's cleared!
I know. If it's going to be any use to you,
you have to remember you've got it.
Don't throw it down there like that.
I've got to waste valuable seconds
walking over here, bending down and picking it up.
Valuable seconds. When I should be...
Rehydrating, darling.
Yes! I'm trimming down my life, darling,
working to a schedule. Moving out!
-Anyway. -Anyway.
Yeah, anyway, darling, can't get distracted,
I've gotta keep on the move today. You know.
Have you seen this, darling? Have you seen this? Look.
It's got all my appointments, my meetings, and my lunches
and my phone numbers...
There's something else in there.
Everything I need to know
and when I've got to do it!
This is the new me, darling.
I'm a mover and a shaker, and I'm moving out.
It's work, work, work for me from now on, darling.
Why?
Well, someone gave it to me free,
and it's the latest thing.
You're better off just writing
everything down on a piece of paper.
It's not a piece of paper.
It's all very well for you, isn't it? You know,
get up, drink, Appletise.
Go to university. Scribble, scribble, scribble.
Oh, very important.
Come home. Drink Appletise. Go to bed.
It's all very well for someone who still organises their life
from a 1986 Letts Pocket Brownie diary
with a matching mini pencil!
Life is slightly more complicated
for the rest of us, darling.
E.g. "Wednesday 8 a.m. Well... Get up. Kick ass."
There's one step ahead already.
Exercise!
No, don't touch those. Don't touch those!
It took me three hours
to choose those last night, darling.
Those are the clothes I must put on today.
Those are the ones that have been chosen.
The decision has been made!
Oh, yeah, you can tell Juanita or whatever her name is
that everything has to go to the dry cleaners
every other day.
I've got practically no clean knickers left at all.
I've just got to get this house in shape, in shape.
What have you done about the kitchen?
What about it?
Well, we still haven't got one!
I'll consult my oracle and see what can be done.
See you downstairs.
Yeah. See you downstairs.
Oh, no, darling, darling! Come back here, come back here!
Ah, You know what I'm going to say, don't you, darling?
You know what I'm going to say.
I hate those flowers, those, those flowers there.
They're too English.
I just want simplicity and sort of,
Japanese efficiency.
The land where they haven't even got time
to let the trees grow tall, darling. That's what I want.
No theatre, and no time for petals in my life.
I want stems!
Yes, Mum.
(BEEPING)
Oh, quick shower, quick shower.
Oh, and one other thing, and one other thing, darling,
darling, come back.
Sweetheart, and I put a couple of seconds aside
to say this to you today.
Why can't you have floppy hair like any normal teenager? Hmm?
Why do you have it bunched up like this?
Let it free, give it a life.
Let it just flop, flop, flop, flop!
Even Eskimo teenagers have floppy hair, darling.
Little Amazonian Pygmy teenagers
have floppy hair, darling.
Right. Quick shower, quick shower. Wash and go.
Sandpaper exfoliant, cellulite breakdown,
tone and perm, auto-bronzer, and birch twigs.
Should I have soap? No, no soap.
(DOOR BUZZER)
Hi, Gran.
No, no. Oh, Lord Jesus Christ!
Oh, bloody buggery Almighty!
Attune, attune...
I think your mother wants you, Saffy, dear.
No, no, no!
No! I just cannot be this person.
I cannot be this person.
Oh, what? Oh, what now? What, what, what, what?
Oh, damn!
Darling, Bubble, it's me.
Look, I'm getting bogged down with one thing or another.
You'll have to cancel a couple of meetings.
Will you? Well, just...
Well, just ring them... No, you do it! You...
Just ring them up, darling.
And then ring me back and tell me what they...
Unless you've already... You do it!
No, you do it! All right.
I cannot be this person.
Speak to me.
Where are you? Where are you?
Yes! Yes! No, I hear you.
I hear you. Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Yes! Oh! Thank God!
X-Generation, silver tracksuit. That's me!
Breakfast, breakfast darling. That's black coffee
and crispbread, 15 minutes.
I can't eat crispbread for 15 minutes,
it'll grate my insides!
Croissant.
Morning, dear.
Morning. Surprise, surprise, you're here.
Can you make Mama a cup of coffee, darling? Please?
Oh, and how should we do that, dear?
Rub two sticks together and draw some water from the well?
Don't think you're so clever.
Hmm.
I've started repressed false memory therapy.
I'll get something on you yet.
You in a wood in a hood. It's all coming back to me.
This place will get done.
It just can't happen overnight, darling.
I am doing it.
When? You've got every swatch, every sample, every picture,
every magazine.
Every interior designer in London has been marched
around this sad basement.
Ah ha, not Anouska Hemple, darling.
I've had it up to here with black taffeta.
It cannot be that difficult.
Have you any idea, darling, of the choice?
Just point at a picture.
I've seen a door handle, I quite like.
Mum! We need surfaces, a cooker, a dishwasher.
A dishwasher?
A dishwasher!
I don't see the point in them.
You've still got to stand up, go over to them, bend over,
put things in, take them out, put them wherever they go.
Washing up is the easy part.
How would you know?
Well, they wouldn't give Nanette Newman
anything too complicated to do.
(DOOR BUZZER)
Well, I must be going. I'll see you later, maybe.
-Bye, Gran. -Bye, dear.
Morning, Patsy.
Mrs M.
Are you feeling all right, dear?
-Well, actually... -Oh, good.
Oh!
Pats, what do you think about the kitchen? Hmm?
It's fabulous.
It's not done yet.
But darling, darling...
Maybe she's right. Maybe this is fabulous.
No.
Darling. Darling!
If it's what you want, I mean, an interior designer
might have taken months to get it to look this good.
Months of work to get this scorching, distressed look.
A hell of a lot of thought might have gone in to this.
There are people who specialise in this look.
Hmm. Just because she did it unconscious with a cigarette,
darling, doesn't make it wrong.
Darling, it is like art.
What the hell is the difference between a painting
done by someone who chooses to paint like a child
and a child's painting?
No, it looks fine to me. It's naive.
Simplicity and utility.
Yeah, I know. It's just that I don't like it.
Well, then, forget it, darling. What do you want?
You know that picture of the Hoover Dam I've got, sweetie?
Do you want modern?
Well, I want modern, yes, but not what modern was,
you know, post-modern, or what it is, just new,
but what it will be.
You know, like a stainless steel operating theatre.
No, no... No, darling, you know when you're at the dentist
and there's that chair and "clang-clang-clang",
the big light comes down, and there's this pink spit...
The thing you spit into that bowl,
that bowl, that sort of look is what I want. The bowl.
A sort of ultra-modern spitoon.
Yes!
I thought you liked some of the ones in the Conran book.
Yeah, well, that's depressing in itself, isn't it, darling.
Why is it, no matter what you're doing, whatever you
want, there's always a Terence bloody-buggery-Conran
book on it!
Piece of muslin and a terracotta tile
and suddenly it's Tuscany.
Yeah, I know.
It takes more than a carefully placed bottle of olive oil
and some balsamic vinegar to make a kitchen.
But Eddie, Eddie, you know
those things that hang down from the ceiling.
You don't want those!
You don't want to be living in constant danger of being
decapitated by a fish broiler.
No. Anyway, I could have thought of all that.
I wonder if Lacroix does kitchens.
Eddie, I want to...
(DOOR BUZZER)
-That'll be Bubble. -Oh, damn.
Why is she coming here?
I've got important meeting with some advertisers today.
There's no point in going into an office
just to come out again.
We having lunch today, Eddie?
Yeah, we can have lunch.
I may be on a tight schedule,
but I've still got time for my friends.
Sorry I'm a bit late.
I got attached to this guy at South Kensington.
His toggle got caught in me bellybutton ring
and I had to go five stops past.
Oh, let's see. Is it bleeding?
That's disgusting! Butchery!
You were saying I should get that done, Pats.
Oh, just to see.
-What? -Well, how much it hurts.
It can't hurt much more than tattooing,
and you've had that done.
I just have a little one on my shoulder.
Yeah, yeah.
Shh!
She told me you had a tattoo on your unspeakables.
-Eddie! -I didn't.
Unmentionables, I said.
That could be anywhere on her.
I'm going upstairs. I've got work to do.
Oh, darling, before you go, can you help me?
You know, I've got the PR-PR-Persons' Awards
dinner of the month lunch,
you know, tomorrow. And can you help me write a speech?
No.
I don't know why I can't do it.
There's a speech in here. I must have a block.
Will you book me a high colonic, darling.
I'll get it out of me by hook or by crook.
And then go through my Dictaphone
and extract anything important, all right, darling?
-I'm going for a slash. -All right.
Shall I put it on my pad?
Your pad? Where's the computer?
Computer?
Yeah, I told you to buy a laptop.
A lap... Top?
Top?
Get rid of it.
But I've grown so fond, and it's so cute.
And it's not just for life, it's for Christmas.
Just do the Dictaphone, darling. The Dictaphone.
It's very important.
All right.
(DISTORTED DICTAPHONE MESSAGE)
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Who is it?
Um, It's me, Patsy.
But it's not what you think.
What do you mean?
Can I come in?
Don't try anything.
Don't close the door!
Look, um, this is quite serious. Um...
I want you to look at something for me, I mean, I...
I'd ask Eddie, but she's very busy and...
I thought you might understand it, doing science and all.
Um, it's confidential, all right?
What is it?
I just want you to tell me what it means and...
And how bad it is.
Oh, well, it's from your Health Authority.
And, er... What does it mean?
They need you to go for a smear test and a...
Breast check.
They say they have no record of you ever having either
and that's quite dangerous in a woman of...
Your sort of age.
What do they think I've got?
They test for cancer.
Where? Oh, look, I don't want to be asking you this!
Your cervix.
The entrance to your womb.
Ah, look.
Oh, right, right.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
Yeah, right, right. Yeah.
Where's the other leg?
It's a cross-section! I mean, look...
It's nothing to worry about.
Oh, right.
Look, I'll fill in this form
for you and all you have to do is post it.
Right. And... The breast thing?
Ah, well...
Do you ever check your breasts yourself?
Oh. No, but you can't miss them.
Never had any complaints.
Are you all right in there?
You've just got to go, darling, and I'm calling you
on the way back to the office.
Take your mobile. Off you go. Off you go. Go, go, go.
Hello, Bubble speaking.
Go! Go! Go!
Darling, what I, I want you to do is,
I want you to ring up and cancel that meeting.
Nobody likes me and they won't like what I have to say.
But I'll say it anyway. They can do what they want,
and I'm sure it'll be great.
But if you're... What? Just go! Go. Go on!
What if they want to speak to you?
Now we're getting feedback.
Do you feel anything?
What's that?
For heaven's sake!
Look, I...
Well, what?
Well, I don't think there's any rain on the way.
Hang on.
What's that?
No, no, I know what that is. That's all right.
Look, I think you're okay, but
I think you should see a doctor anyway.
Right.
And the other thing, the smear, is that a doctor thing or...
Doctor!
If you ever mention this to anyone,
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
Don't worry, it's not something I want people knowing either.
Right. Cheers, thanks a lot.
Oh, what?
What now? Oh, yes.
It's all right, darling. I'm going to do this
in a totally calm and non-aggressive way.
Give me back my life!
I wondered how long that would last.
Yeah, well...
You can't live your life under that sort of pressure, darling.
You know, I had to cancel all my appointments today already.
Well done, Eddie.
Yeah!
Anyway, I've seen this new one you can get.
It's a crystal-driven, biorhythm-attuned organiser,
It tells you when you're ready for a meeting,
and not the other way around.
Only when your goddess power is
at its most fertile should you attempt one.
Oh, and darling there's the Shirley MacLaine organiser.
It fixes up meetings in different existences and lives.
And in which life are you going to get round to doing
something about the kitchen?
Instead of wasting a whole day, just do one thing,
here and now, on this plane. Just one thing!
If you don't do this place, I will.
Lighten up, sweetie.
Lighten up! Oh, God...
Heal. Heal.
You don't get things done just by being uptight,
you know, darling.
Anyway, I'm going to do one thing today.
I'll do one thing today.
I shall go and find the door handle. All right?
One thing. You don't mind if we do that, darling?
No, there's still time for a spot of lunch
and a little shopping.
Ah, yeah.
My mouth and my credit card are still very much in this life.
Come on.
Ah, "Meg Ryan, movie star." I'll be the judge of that.
She's all gums.
Who?
Meg Ryan, she's all gums.
You aren't still going on about her?
Let us, shh, darling. I've got to think.
I've got to plan my day and what I've got to do.
One, I've got to get the door handle.
(SIGHING LOUDLY)
Well, what? I have to do these things, you know.
I have to get the door handle.
You haven't got this responsibility.
You don't have the burden of property.
Where are you living at the moment, anyway?
I've still got that little place.
Above Oddbins.
Well, you only rent that place.
Two, two... Two?
Have lunch, Eddie.
Have lunch. I have to make a list.
Eddie...
Don't let me forget the speech
for the PR-PR-Persons' Awards lunch.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie?
What?
Have you had the tit test?
What do you mean, "tit test"?
You know...
The hand tit test?
I don't do the hand tit test thing,
I go to the clinic once a month
and have a mammoliagram.
Oh! Stop, stop, stop! There's a shop back there
I want to look at, just in case.
Turn on and pull over. And when you pull over,
will you switch the engine off?
You can't drive round like that wasting petrol.
I know you've got a catatonic converter,
but they're no good.
This is so clean! Clean...
Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean.
Darling, Patsy, I don't want clean.
I've got to remember where I've seen
that door handle, darling.
Why don't you get someone to do it? Just do it!
Because I'm not like you, Pats.
I can't just live in anything.
I'm very sensitive to my surroundings.
That's why I have to get my feng chewy man in to do it.
It's great, darling. He's a Chinese master
in where to put furniture
to energise your life into a higher state
of living and success.
-Is he in China? -No, darling.
In a bedsit up in Camden Town, on the railway.
Where should we have lunch, Eddie? Atlantic?
I remember where I've seen it.
I remember where I've seen the door handle.
Hey-ho. La-di-da.
I just want to get the door handle.
All right.
We've got a few things then to do.
-Like what? -Lunch.
We'll go to Sardi's for lunch or something, shall we?
Then we'll do Ralph Lauren, Donna Karan...
Let's cross here.
Calvin Klein, all right.
Karl Lagerfeld.
We can do Lagerfeld, darling.
You've got to make me sip something every 15 seconds,
or I'll die.
-You know which way, Eddie? -This way.
Madonna has got offices down here, darling.
I nearly had sex with her.
Didn't we all?
Did you ever see that book, darling?
Kids' stuff.
Should we get a cab?
If we've got time, we can get some little gorgeous things.
Oh, that's nice.
It's a bit better now.
How much further is it?
Just come on. Just here. Just here. Just here.
No.
-Do you think I should? -Yeah.
I mean, it's the thing to do.
If you don't do it, you won't have done it.
But it might hurt, darling.
No, it won't hurt.
If it hurts, so many people
wouldn't have had it done, would they?
Now, come on, come on, Ed. Come on.
No, I don't want to do it!
Come on, Ed, come on, Ed.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, sorry, dear. I didn't know you were in.
Oh, that's okay, Gran, come in, I'm not doing anything.
Er, no, I don't think so, dear.
Four Seasons. Well, that's it.
The door handles are up here, darling.
See this, you see, darling.
This is how I want my kitchen. Like that.
You see all that? And those flowers.
Door handle!
Take these, darling.
It's fabulous. Gorgeous, isn't it?
It's exactly right. Got it.
-Ed? -Huh?
Do you want me to get it for you?
Well, how would we get it out?
Well, I could, er...
No, not here! Come on.
-Huh! -Good day.
Yeah. Good day.
Now, off to the heliport via customer collection.
Ow. Ow.
Don't fiddle with it, Eddie. It'll go septic.
Why did you make me do that, darling?
I just wanted to see how much it would hurt.
Ouch!
But I did quite well. I wasn't unconscious for long, was I?
You came round quickly. I was proud of you, Eddie.
Here, darling. For the pain.
Thank you, sweetheart.
You know, New York is the only place in America
I think I could live.
You wouldn't have to live there, Eddie.
Get there and back like this in a day.
-Yeah, that's true. -I mean, God, who'd live in LA?
-Marshall. -Exactly.
Let's hope the next earthquake wipes them out altogether.
Yes. Serve them right.
Who in their right mind would go jogging on a fault line?
They deserve to die.
Pert tits and a tight butt so you can plunge
down a crack in the earth with confidence.
I've got that photo so I can show Saffy the door handle.
Here's my list. Go through my list.
"Door handle" done.
Well, congratulate yourself, Eddie.
Thank you.
"Lunch." Done.
Well done, sweetie.
Thank you, darling.
"Speech." I haven't written my speech.
Congratulate yourself anyway, Eddie.
Darling, I've forgotten to write my speech.
You can start with "Dear ladles and jelly spoons".
No, they wouldn't think that was funny.
I'll get Bubble to ring them up
and tell them I got sick or lockjaw or something.
Oh, Eddie. An important letter I was supposed to post.
Huh? It's a bit late now.
What are you doing up so late, darling?
You know.
Yeah.
Oh, have you had people here or something?
Just a few friends and stuff.
That's great. It's great.
Eddie, Eddie, show her the...
Sweetie, come and look at Mama. Turn round.
Look what I did today. Look at this. Look at my stomach.
When the swelling goes down,
you'll be able to see it better.
What do you think?
It looks great.
Anyway, I'm off to bed. Goodnight.
Darling, we'll keep the noise down. We'll just have this...
This one bottle, you know.
It's okay, I don't care.
Sweetie, sweetie...
You and I have quite a...
Quite a cool relationship, now, don't we, darling?
It was my birthday today, Mum.
No, you come back here. Come back here!
Do you think you can just say something like that?
Hit and run. Come here, darling!
Now, listen...
I gave you that birthday, darling.
Have you thought about that, huh?
I mean, you wouldn't have that birthday
if I hadn't been generous enough
to uncross my legs and give you to the world, darling!
What...
Nobody's thanked me, have they?
What have we got? What have we got, darling?
Pats, look, look at the kitchen.
It's fabulous.
No, look, it's been done.
What, how?
How, how?