1 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,080 So what's all this in aid of then? 2 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,440 It's not Christmas again, is it? 3 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,640 Seems like only yesterday. 4 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,520 Seems like only last year! 5 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,560 Well, it is every year, you know, dear. 6 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,200 It's New Year's Eve. 7 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:48,560 Oh? 8 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,440 # Should auld acquaintance be... 9 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:53,520 -Be... -Forgot! 10 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,640 Yes. Never mind. 11 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:59,120 There's not much meat on this bird, dear. 12 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,800 That could have been you, Gran. 13 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,280 Oh! 14 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,520 Now, is there anything else you'd like me to do, dear? 15 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,760 -Could you rinse these grapes? -Oh, yes. 16 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,680 -Are these seedless? -Yes. 17 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:13,040 I like them. I'd never go back to pips now. 18 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,280 Not after Sainsbury's seedless, no. 19 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:20,960 Just think of one, darling. 20 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:25,480 Just think of one. 21 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,200 I've got one. You've got to have one. 22 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:29,520 Hello, darling. 23 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,880 My New Year's resolution, sweetie, to have more fun. 24 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,680 What's yours, Pats? 25 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,840 Well, I think I'll just try to be a little more relaxed. 26 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,480 You? More relaxed? 27 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:44,600 What is that, dead? 28 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,720 Well, that cancels out my resolution. 29 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,840 The brakes on these bloody things! 30 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:55,840 What's she doing here? 31 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,840 -I thought you knew! -No. 32 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,720 Where are you going tonight, Mum? 33 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,760 Darling. As part of my special New Year's Eve treat, 34 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,640 Pats has got a connection that can get us into 35 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,040 the hippest club in the universe. 36 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,760 Darling, this club is so hip it isn't even a club. 37 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:14,800 Goodbye megatropolis ambient house, darling, 38 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:18,480 with Red Indian jungle synth... Catch mama! 39 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:21,720 Goodbye Babes in Toyland glam ram trashy ambient jazz 40 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,120 with a Dennis the Menace 41 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,240 and a couple of black and whites thrown in. 42 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,400 And hello Frankie Knuckles' 43 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,400 CD Rom Dance Happenin', darling. 44 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,000 And you forget your Es and LSDs, 45 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,200 there's a whole alphabet of leisure drugs available! 46 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,480 -Where is it? -Pats? 47 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:40,880 Underground car park in Romsey. 48 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:41,920 Fabulous. 49 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,320 I wondered why you weren't in New York. 50 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,040 Yeah, that place we used to go to New York, 51 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:48,640 it was all right, but you know... 52 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:52,920 The Karl Lagerfeld Bondage rooms at Club 64. 53 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:53,960 How do you know that? 54 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,480 I'm still on their mailing list. 55 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,000 Just Patsy's little joke last year, darling. 56 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,080 Did you get any of the stuff from their catalogue? 57 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,040 No, if I want whips and chains, 58 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,560 I'll go to Peter Jones. 59 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,920 They'll beat anything, apparently. 60 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,280 You didn't think I'd be here with you, did you, darling? 61 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,800 -Hmm? -Well, Mum, yes, I did. 62 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,840 I've got dad and Oliver coming over, 63 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,280 and my friend Sarah whom you like so much, 64 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,920 and Gran is going to be here. 65 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,200 And everyone was really hoping, Mum, that you would be. 66 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,280 I know they'll be heartbroken. 67 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,720 -Eddy. -I'm ignoring it. 68 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,880 So, do stay. 69 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,080 But I won't expect you to break the habit of a lifetime. 70 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,920 Ugh! Darling, that is unfair! -Yeah. 71 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,520 There were times when you were very little, darling, when... 72 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,840 -When... When what? -What? 73 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,560 When even the dog refused to babysit! 74 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:44,600 Exactly! 75 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,200 I was forced to see the New Year in with you. 76 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,240 Never! You were always pissed by midnight. 77 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,400 Big Ben counted you out. 78 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,160 Big Ben? Who's big Ben? 79 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,560 Let's crack open the Bolly, let's get the evening underway. 80 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,760 Yeah! Come on! 81 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,400 So, this New Year thing. 82 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:05,080 Am I correct in thinking it's when the year goes up one? 83 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,760 That's right. Yeah. That's right. 84 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,000 -To? -No, only one, dear. 85 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,040 To 1995. 86 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,960 I shall make a note of that in my pad. 87 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,920 At what time does it occur? 88 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,480 Midnight. 89 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:26,960 Cos I'm always signing cheques for you with the wrong date on. 90 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,280 Why would you... 91 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,960 It's clever, though, isn't it, the way it happens? 92 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:35,440 Regular, almost like clockwork. 93 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:36,840 I mean, 12 months go by... 94 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:38,760 Hello! Hello! Hello! 95 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,560 ..of their own accord. 96 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,120 And behold, another year begins. 97 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,240 It knows what it is. 98 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:49,120 And somehow, as if by magic, 99 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,160 everyone in the whole world does as well! 100 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,000 The sweet sand passage of time! 101 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,280 What's she drivelling on about? 102 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,320 I think she's clearing a blockage or something. 103 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,560 She's still again now. I think we're safe. 104 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,320 You! What are you doing here? You can go! You can go! 105 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:08,560 It'll come to me. 106 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,640 -(DOORBELL BUZZES) -That'll be dad and Oliver. 107 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,320 -(PHONE RINGS) -Oh! 108 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,560 Hello? Oh, Mum, it's Marshall. 109 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,520 Oh, my God. It never rains but it pours. 110 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,640 Ex-husband flash flood. 111 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:23,120 Hello! 112 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,000 Where is my son? 113 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,160 I told him he should go to you for New Year, 114 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,840 but you know what he's like. 115 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:32,160 He went straight up and applied for a position in Sarajevo. 116 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,600 God! How are you? 117 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,640 I'm having a great time! 118 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,560 No, the animation was not a major box office. 119 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,520 But we've got into turnaround, 120 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:41,760 and, as a sidebar, let me say, 121 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,520 I've angled to Disney and we're developing a relationship. 122 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,480 God, he's unemployed again. 123 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,600 Oh! No, no, no! I'm with someone else. 124 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,320 Describe her to me, Marshall. 125 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,160 Well, why don't I let her describe herself? 126 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,040 Here you are, gorgeous. 127 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,120 Hello! 128 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:00,840 Hi. My name is Cherysh, with a "y". 129 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:07,520 Well, I work out in west Hollywood with Lorenzo. 130 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:11,120 I'm 117 pounds on a good day. 131 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,760 Character-wise, I'm kind of borderline shy/wild. 132 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,240 I like to surf and turf in that order... 133 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,720 That's enough now. 134 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:22,720 Things I like to do are... I like to walk along the beach 135 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,840 with the wind in my heart and meaningful thoughts in the air. 136 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,320 I get really distressed by 137 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,480 hatred and violence between peoples, 138 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,880 because I think we should all reach our arms out 139 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,760 -across the wide oceans... -That's enough now, Cherysh. 140 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,400 Because, you know, like the whales, 141 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,400 our tongues transcend the wide oceans. 142 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,640 By the way, I do greetings cards 143 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,000 and messages for all occasions. 144 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,760 Births, deaths, reincarnations, 145 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,880 coming of spirits. 146 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:53,160 Well, that's about it, really. Nice to speak with you. 147 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,240 Ta-ta! 148 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,000 Chim-chiminee, old chap! 149 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,200 Give me the phone now, baby. 150 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:01,480 Saff! 151 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,280 How come when she put the phone to her ear, 152 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:05,120 all I could hear was the ocean? Huh? 153 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:08,920 I am speaking on the telephone! 154 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,200 Oh, excuse us! 155 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:14,280 Yeah, Happy New Year. Yeah, see ya. 156 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,320 You have a really good sense of humour. 157 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:18,840 And you have really great tits! 158 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,240 Thank you! 159 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:23,360 Excuse me! Excuse me! 160 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,120 Coming through. Coming through. 161 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,760 How come all my ex-husbands end up with bimbos? Hmm? 162 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,600 I see you're on casters these days, darling. How cute! 163 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,840 You know, I think they're a great way for hauling around 164 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,040 big, large, hefty objects, don't you? 165 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,520 If you'd said that when you arrived, 166 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:42,680 I might have been impressed. 167 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,000 Can't you take them off yet, Mum? 168 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,160 -Yeah, let me help. -No. Oh, I'm afraid to! 169 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,600 I put them on on the plane... 170 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,200 -Come on. -My feet swelled, 171 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,560 but I think if you release the pressure they might explode! 172 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,200 -Oh! -Oh, God! 173 00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,680 Oh! That's all right, actually. 174 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,040 Oh no, light legs, now. Light legs. Light legs. 175 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,320 Fabulous aren't they? Pats gave them to me for Christmas. 176 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:10,960 I gave them to you for Christmas. 177 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,200 Well, I didn't say they were FROM me, 178 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,520 I just gave them to her. 179 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:24,600 I love them, darling. They're gorgeous, fabulous. 180 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:27,720 Darling, did you get that lovely little, um... 181 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:28,840 Harrods hampster. 182 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,960 Darling, little Harrods hampster. 183 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,560 -Hamper? -Yes. Hamper! 184 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,200 Not completely useless, you know. 185 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,240 Which reminds me. 186 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,760 I know something. 187 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:50,880 Oh! 188 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:55,920 Come to me, come to me, come to me! 189 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,320 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! 190 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:00,440 You! 191 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:06,920 Have a sister! 192 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,880 (ECHOES) A sister! A sister! 193 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:12,080 -EDINA: We all know that! -SAFFY: I didn't know that! 194 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,360 Oh, yes! 195 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:14,680 There's more. 196 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,280 She has a name. 197 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:17,360 Yeah? 198 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,040 Her name is... 199 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:23,200 (RETCHES) 200 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,360 Jackie! 201 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,240 JUSTIN: What? God! 202 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,440 How do you know that? I never told you that! 203 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,760 A sister! Now that I would like to see. 204 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,640 You can. She's coming over in a minute. 205 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:39,840 In a minute? 206 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,720 How do you know this? 207 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,120 She taxed the office whilst you were on your holidays. 208 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,120 Eddy! Eddy! Eddy! Jacks taxed the fax... 209 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,160 Fax, fax! 210 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,080 Jacks faxed the office, she's coming tonight! 211 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,360 -Not tonight! -Oh, Eddy, Eddy, 212 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,840 -she's coming here to see me! -What for? 213 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,760 What do you mean, "what for?" 214 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,160 What's it matter, "what for?" 215 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,160 I mean, isn't it enough she's coming here tonight? 216 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,040 -Not tonight! -She can come out with us. 217 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:01,240 Oh, no... 218 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:02,880 -It'll be fantastic! Jacks out with us! 219 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,560 -This is my night! -That'll be fantastic. 220 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:05,840 -This is my night! 221 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:09,120 Jackie is fabulous on an international scale. 222 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,960 Wherever Jackie is, is the place to be! 223 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,920 I mean, the jet set just follow her 224 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,840 like a flock of migrating birds. 225 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,240 You know, the Grimaldis, the Khashoggis, 226 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,480 the Van Thyssens, the Rothschilds. 227 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:21,960 She must be quite something! 228 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:25,520 Uh-huh! She is there behind the rich and powerful, 229 00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:28,440 beside the rich and powerful, under the rich and powerful! 230 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,880 Ski runs in Switzerland. 231 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,280 Drug runs in Cuba. 232 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:34,560 Eddy! 233 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,640 Darling, she's a walking syringe, that woman. 234 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,720 At least she had the guts to do it! 235 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,160 When did you last see her? 236 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,640 Oh! Well, it wasn't so long ago... 237 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:46,000 I remember, dear! It was when she was with that group. 238 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,640 Oh, what was it? The Beach Boys? The Beatles. 239 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:49,840 It was Baader-Meinhof! 240 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,680 It must be 20 years ago now, darling. 241 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,760 Well, I can't wait to meet this woman. 242 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,320 First time you've ever said that, I should imagine. 243 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,280 I hope you are taking her with you tonight. 244 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,640 Well, look, she's hardly likely to stick around here 245 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,480 when Frankie Knuckles beckons. 246 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,760 Darling, does she have to come with us? 247 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,560 Oh, Eddy! It's going to be a fabulous night. 248 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,280 Jacks with us, she won't be any trouble. 249 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:14,400 I promise you, darling. On my honour. 250 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,040 Patsy's honour? 251 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,720 TOGETHER: Send out the search party. 252 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,160 Hi, Jacks. 253 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,120 Hi, Jacks. Just... You know, hi. 254 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,400 -Hi, Jacks. Come in. -(DOORBELL DINGS) 255 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,680 -Pats. -Jacks. 256 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,040 I didn't recognize you, you've put on weight. 257 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,280 I have some luggage. 258 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,600 May I smoke? 259 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,320 Darling, you can do anything you want. 260 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,640 Oh! Then I needn't bother to do that. 261 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,480 So, this is Eddy's place. 262 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,320 Not bad. Not so vulgar as I expected. 263 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,480 -Do you like it, Jacks? -Close. 264 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,520 What area is this, Shepherd's Bush? 265 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,280 It's Holland Park! Hello. 266 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,120 Eddy. Eddy, Jacks. Hi. 267 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,240 Yes, I remember you. 268 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,960 Another one who's ballooned. 269 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,640 So what is it, a waxworks museum? 270 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,240 Um, this... This, um... 271 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,680 The House of Wax? 272 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,440 Sorry, we're gonna have to help Patsy. 273 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,640 She's never entertained on this kind of scale before. 274 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,440 On any scale. 275 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,320 This is my daughter, Saffy. 276 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,960 Oh, never mind. Too late to flush her now. 277 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,040 I know. 278 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,880 Hi, I... I'm Justin and this is my... 279 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,360 This is Oliver. 280 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,960 -Hi. -Men, thank God! 281 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,640 There's nothing I hate more 282 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,760 than being in all-female company. 283 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,040 Little does she know! 284 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,160 I'm Saffy's father. 285 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,800 Oh, how sweet of you to admit to a thing like that! 286 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:26,160 Is it very bright in here or am I badly lit? 287 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,520 Oh, my darling, that's not possible! 288 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:30,680 No! 289 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,800 Jacks, just have a seat, darling, OK. 290 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,160 We're gonna have a quick drink and then pop off to this club. 291 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,160 -Champagne. -Pop off to this club. 292 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:43,440 So, 20 years. 293 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,720 Is it? Oh yes, it was just before our mother died. 294 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,440 -Yeah. -So, how was the funeral? 295 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:51,920 You know, not bad. 296 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,520 She was dead, wasn't she? 297 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,040 -Yeah. -Then it was great. 298 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:57,360 Any of the others there? 299 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,040 No, I was the only family. 300 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,480 What's that supposed to mean? 301 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,720 Oh, nothing. I mean, I didn't expect you be there, Jacks. 302 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:03,880 How many of you are there? 303 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,720 I don't know much about Patsy's family. 304 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,440 Why should you? You deserve to be kept in the dark. 305 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,000 Right. 306 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,760 My god! If you were mine, 307 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,400 I'd go one step further and put a bag over your head. 308 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,000 I'm going downstairs. 309 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,880 Can't take the heat! 310 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,280 She puts you in the shade. 311 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,520 You're a very poor reproduction. 312 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:26,120 So, how many of there are you? Brothers and sisters, I mean. 313 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:27,800 Nobody knows. 314 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,160 Our mother gave birth like a giant sprinkler, 315 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,240 scattering bastard babies to the four corners of the earth. 316 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,440 How nicely put. 317 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,160 Do you, uh... Did you have the same father? 318 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,560 No-one knows. Mother was such a slut. 319 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:45,120 Could have been any of the men in any of the bars in France. 320 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,440 You know, she was always the entertainment. 321 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,880 Before slot machines? 322 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,120 She was the slot machine! 323 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,080 So, uh... 324 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:59,080 So who's the older... I mean, the bigger sister? 325 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,360 -(SIZZLING) -I am. 326 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,960 Well, you both look so great! 327 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,120 How old are you? 328 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:18,480 -I'm 39. -I'm 41. 329 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,680 Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom a moment. 330 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:26,880 Upstairs to the left. Don't just wander about! 331 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,000 -Well, I think she's wonderful! -Wonderful! 332 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,040 Oh, God. You two are so predictable, aren't you? 333 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,840 I mean, a bitch with a drug habit 334 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,640 and you're anybody's, aren't you? 335 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,320 Marlene and Judy rolled into one for you, is it? 336 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,800 Get her to tell you the Dietrich stories! 337 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,440 No! No, darling! 338 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,760 She does the whole of Carnegie Hall. We'll be here all night! 339 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,920 You are clever doing all this. 340 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,280 It's not all me, the salads are Delia Smith's. 341 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,200 Does she know you've got them? 342 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,760 Anyway, I prefer to stay down here, out of the firing line. 343 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,520 -In the trenches. -Yes. 344 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:07,560 Oh. 345 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,160 Anything I can do, dear? 346 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,560 No, that's fine, Gran. 347 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,360 You still here? 348 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,160 She's gone to the toilet again. 349 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,240 I can't believe what that woman said to me. 350 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:26,520 Yeah, she is witty, I'll give her that. 351 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,520 What gives her the right to treat people like that, Mum? 352 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:30,560 She's thin! 353 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,960 -Are you okay, Jacks? -Yes. 354 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,520 You got everything you need? 355 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,640 I mean, I've got a little stash if you need something softer. 356 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,400 Toilet paper? 357 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,200 No! No! I mean, a little something, you know, 358 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:46,880 next time you need to "Use the bathroom" 359 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,920 you know, (SNIFFS) freshen up a little. 360 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,680 No, no, darling, I don't do that anymore. 361 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,440 -But... -No, I just needed the loo. 362 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,600 I have a little bladder problem at the moment. 363 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,520 Do you have anything to eat? 364 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:01,560 To...? 365 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:02,600 Eat. 366 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,160 But Jacks, we're just about to go out. 367 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,080 I have to eat something. 368 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:18,760 Um, Eddy. 369 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,880 Darling, are you ready to go? Where's my cigarettes? 370 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,640 We'll be going soon, but look, there's no rush about this. 371 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,360 This is not the sort of club that you arrive at early. 372 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,040 Now, let's be cool about it, babe. 373 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:31,400 -The thing is that... -What? 374 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,920 -Jacks is... -Jacks what? 375 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,680 Oh, Jacks what? 376 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,120 I am feeling a little peckish. 377 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,800 So have you got any of those, um, food things? 378 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:50,720 Oh, cheers. 379 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,800 -Delicious. -(DOORBELL BUZZES) 380 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,960 Are you all right, darling? All right? 381 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,880 Happy New Year to you! 382 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,800 -Happy New Year! -Happy New Year! 383 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,560 (SNORES) 384 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:28,680 Are you all right, Gran? 385 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:30,880 Oh! Oh, yes, dear. 386 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,400 So who are we this evening, then? 387 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,800 Oh! Well, it's just us and Dad and Oliver and Sarah. 388 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,400 Oh. I was rather hoping you'd start with me, dear. 389 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,440 Who am I? 390 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,520 Is it a book... 391 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,320 ..or a film? 392 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,160 What pills are you taking, Gran? 393 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,440 Only these, dear. 394 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,480 Merci! 395 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:04,320 You know, I have a theory that all Englishmen are gay. 396 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:05,360 If only! 397 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,160 I'm not English. 398 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,360 -Aren't you? -No, I'm Canadian. 399 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,520 My God, you'll admit to that as well, will you? 400 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:17,760 Well, the midnight hour creeps closer. 401 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,320 Do you have any resolutions, Jackie? 402 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,400 Well, I think just to resist the surgeon's knife 403 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:24,840 for yet another year. 404 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,960 So, you two are in antiques? 405 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,480 You know, I don't know very much about antiques. 406 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:44,600 The only Chippendale I ever sat on had two legs. 407 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:45,920 (JUSTIN LAUGHING) 408 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,400 -She's eating potpourri. -Let her. 409 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,440 Jacks, crisps are here, darling. 410 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,240 I know, they're disgusting! 411 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,320 Don't you have any decent food in the house? 412 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:57,440 No. 413 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,440 You know... 414 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,240 Apparently, Faye Dunaway had her favourite dog 415 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,480 made into a pair of boots when it died. 416 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:08,920 Well, that's nothing to Jacks. She had her second husband 417 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,680 made into a small cagoule when he died. 418 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,680 Oh, don't be ridiculous! 419 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,600 A cagoule? Whoever heard of such a thing. 420 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:22,200 It was a small-waisted evening jacket with Chanel buttons. 421 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,240 As in life, he was a tight fit that never suited me. 422 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,680 Is everybody finished? 423 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,800 Yes, it was wonderful. 424 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,240 Food like that is one of the reasons I live in France. 425 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,360 Stay down. 426 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:38,040 Excuse me, I just have to go to the bathroom 427 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,120 to touch up...something. 428 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,560 Come on! Let's go while she's in the toilet! 429 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,480 No, Eddy. You know Jacks. 430 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,640 She's just warming up, having a pick-me-up. 431 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,520 -Oh, come on! -Eddy come on, remember. 432 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,760 You remember that fantastic song by Jacques Brel, 433 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:54,800 the Scott Walker song? 434 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,680 -It was written for her. -No, it wasn't! 435 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,560 # And if some day I should become a singer 436 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,240 -# With a Spanish bum -Stop it! 437 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:01,880 # Cute in a stupid-ass way 438 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,000 Stop it! You worship that woman. 439 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,320 -# If I could be for only one hour # 440 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,280 Hey! Ugh! 441 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,840 Someone's yakking up in't toilet upstairs. 442 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,280 Can you get them to stop? We can't hear t'telly. 443 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,600 Oh, my God! 444 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:22,080 Well, how else do you think she stays so fantastically thin? 445 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,880 I mean, it's a perfectly normal thing to do. 446 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,960 I mean, royalty, for God's sake. 447 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,640 I mean, I'd do it if I still could! 448 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,680 -Why can't she? -Had a bypass. 449 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,200 A heart bypass? 450 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,360 No, stomach, darling. 451 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,560 Got everything you need, Jacks? 452 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,480 It's just that, you know, we should be on our way 453 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,240 if we wanna make a night of it. 454 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:51,160 No, darling, you go without me. I'll stay here. 455 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:55,080 Um, I'm just looking for some hand cream. 456 00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:56,880 Darling, it is a pretty fabulous place. 457 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,640 Pats... 458 00:21:58,680 --> 00:21:59,800 I'm too tired. 459 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,840 But it's been very nice to see family again. 460 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,200 Well, it's good to see you again, Jacks. 461 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,800 Thanks for taking the time to drop by. 462 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,560 Nice to see you, too, Pats. 463 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:14,800 I like your hair. 464 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,160 Do you? 465 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,560 Yes. It's lovely. 466 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,760 Well, it grew back pretty well, actually. 467 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,080 (SCISSORS CLICKING) 468 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:28,720 (GASPS) 469 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,400 (SIGHS) 470 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,360 (LAUGHING EVILLY) 471 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,080 -Kids, huh? -Yeah. Yeah. 472 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,640 And sisters. 473 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:50,920 Yeah. 474 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,960 But you were always the lucky one, Pats. 475 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,280 Lucky? 476 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,600 Well, yes. I know you ended up a childless spinster, 477 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,840 but at least our mother loved you. 478 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:01,880 Did she? 479 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,400 You went to live with her, didn't you? 480 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,480 She sent you to school, didn't she? 481 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,440 Yeah, but by the time I got to kindergarten, 482 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:08,840 I was bigger than the teacher! 483 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,720 Darling, you went. 484 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,320 My God, 485 00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:14,040 I was ripped from her body 486 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,040 and thrown into the Paris gutter! 487 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:19,200 She didn't give birth, she had something removed. 488 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,600 "Take it away!" 489 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,160 BOTH: "And bring me another lover." 490 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,480 Exactly. 491 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:24,880 I thought that was my birth? 492 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,600 Darling, she only had one story. 493 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,560 But that's OK, you've done all right. 494 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,000 You've got this friend. 495 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,600 Yeah, but Jacks, you've got the life! 496 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,200 Yes, but darling, listen. 497 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,640 You've got your friend, Eddy, and this house. 498 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:37,680 Yeah? 499 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:43,680 I don't think Eddy likes me. 500 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,840 Don't worry about it, Jacks. Why should you care? 501 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:48,720 She likes you, though. 502 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,480 Do you think so? 503 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,240 Do you think Eddy would mind 504 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:55,280 if I stayed here for a couple of months? 505 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:56,320 What? 506 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,040 I don't have anywhere to live at the moment. 507 00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,320 Ask her for me, will you? 508 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:02,280 But Jacks, What about Paris and St Tropez? 509 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,320 No, darling, that was 20 years ago. 510 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,600 The wives got the houses, not the hookers. 511 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:09,160 I need some money and a place to live. 512 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,480 I've got this little scheme going with a friend in France. 513 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,720 And until he gets underway, I need some help. 514 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,480 Yeah. A little scheme, a little something, a little... 515 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,600 A little refuge for stray cats and dogs. 516 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,600 Yeah, sure, like, for cats on crack? 517 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,960 No, Pats. For cats and dogs. 518 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,280 No, no, no, Jacks. No, no. 519 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:34,000 Not the woman who smoked opium 520 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,000 with Chairman Mao and Che Guevara? 521 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,840 Just the little, unwanted ones. 522 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,560 Who was there when Nureyev defected, 523 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,840 who introduced Jackie to O... 524 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,720 Some of those little guys have only got one eye. 525 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,560 ..who made Dylan go electric. 526 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:48,680 No, this woman does not run a pet hotel. 527 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,800 Darling, if you could only see their little faces! 528 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:55,040 Oh, no, Jacks! No! 529 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,600 Mum, why don't you come upstairs and watch TV with us? 530 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,400 Cos I should be having fun! 531 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:11,000 Come on, Jacks! Remember how it used to be. 532 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,240 Well, of course you're tired. Everyone gets tired, 533 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,320 but just have a little sniff and you'll be okay. 534 00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:18,360 Darling, I just have to get the suitcase now. 535 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:21,960 Jacks, remember Brel and Serge Gainsbourg. 536 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,360 Those guys didn't even get out of bed till two in the morning! 537 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,040 Don't you remember you used to say, 538 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:27,920 -"Never conform..." -Look at my baby! 539 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,200 Siamese cat? You used to wear those, Jacks! 540 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,720 Jacks, you used to say, "Heighten the contradictions." 541 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:33,760 I know, darling... 542 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,800 There's a whole night out there waiting to be lived! 543 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,360 It's all finished, darling, no! 544 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,560 -# If I could be for only an hour 545 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,960 # Cute in a stupid-ass way # 546 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,800 Jacks, come out with us tonight! 547 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:46,080 Darling, I can get you drugs, I can get you surgeons. 548 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,880 I can get you money. 549 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:51,040 We have our whole lives ahead of us, Jacks! 550 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,040 Pats. 551 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,360 I'm 72. 552 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:06,240 Oh, my God! What does that make me, then? 553 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:14,040 Eddy. 554 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,280 -She is still here. -Yeah. 555 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,680 And so am I. 556 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:24,280 You have failed on all counts now, Pats. 557 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:29,080 This is going down as the worst New Year's Eve on record. 558 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,200 I... 559 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,240 am now being taken 560 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:36,560 into the sitting room... 561 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,960 ..to watch the New Year in on telly. 562 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:46,600 That, in my book, darling, is about as low as you can go. 563 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,560 Sorry, Eddy. I'm sorry. 564 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,040 Well, I just can't believe that you value 565 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,320 that tight-arsed, viper-tongued, thin-lipped, 566 00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,120 talking hypodermic over our friendship, darling! 567 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,800 No. But I don't, Eddy, 568 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,600 it's just that she's got me in this moral dilemma. 569 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:04,600 -Pats. -Yes, Eddy? 570 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,240 You have no morals, darling. 571 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:49,760 See you, Jacks. 572 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,960 Yes. See you, Pats. 573 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,400 Thanks for everything. 574 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:55,720 I shall be at Claridge's if you need me. 575 00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:57,240 Okay, babe. 576 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:58,760 Here you are. 577 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,640 Oh! No, no, darling, I don't do that anymore. 578 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:02,880 Take it anyway. 579 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:04,760 Do me a favour, go out with a bang. 580 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,080 Look, Pats. My little darlings... 581 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:26,080 (CLOCK CHIMES) 582 00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:34,880 Eddy, she's gone! It's OK, Eddy, we can go now. 583 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:38,440 -Eddy, she's gone. She's... -(SHUSHING) 584 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:39,880 (CHIMES ECHO...) 585 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:48,440 (CLOCK FINALLY STRIKES) 586 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,720 -Happy New Year! -Happy New Year! 587 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:52,120 BUBBLE: Happy New Year. 588 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:55,560 That's it, then. I'll be off.