So what's all this in aid of then?
It's not Christmas again, is it?
Seems like only yesterday.
Seems like only last year!
Well, it is every year, you know, dear.
It's New Year's Eve.
Oh?
# Should auld acquaintance be...
-Be... -Forgot!
Yes. Never mind.
There's not much meat on this bird, dear.
That could have been you, Gran.
Oh!
Now, is there anything else you'd like me to do, dear?
-Could you rinse these grapes? -Oh, yes.
-Are these seedless? -Yes.
I like them. I'd never go back to pips now.
Not after Sainsbury's seedless, no.
Just think of one, darling.
Just think of one.
I've got one. You've got to have one.
Hello, darling.
My New Year's resolution, sweetie, to have more fun.
What's yours, Pats?
Well, I think I'll just try to be a little more relaxed.
You? More relaxed?
What is that, dead?
Well, that cancels out my resolution.
The brakes on these bloody things!
What's she doing here?
-I thought you knew! -No.
Where are you going tonight, Mum?
Darling. As part of my special New Year's Eve treat,
Pats has got a connection that can get us into
the hippest club in the universe.
Darling, this club is so hip it isn't even a club.
Goodbye megatropolis ambient house, darling,
with Red Indian jungle synth... Catch mama!
Goodbye Babes in Toyland glam ram trashy ambient jazz
with a Dennis the Menace
and a couple of black and whites thrown in.
And hello Frankie Knuckles'
CD Rom Dance Happenin', darling.
And you forget your Es and LSDs,
there's a whole alphabet of leisure drugs available!
-Where is it? -Pats?
Underground car park in Romsey.
Fabulous.
I wondered why you weren't in New York.
Yeah, that place we used to go to New York,
it was all right, but you know...
The Karl Lagerfeld Bondage rooms at Club 64.
How do you know that?
I'm still on their mailing list.
Just Patsy's little joke last year, darling.
Did you get any of the stuff from their catalogue?
No, if I want whips and chains,
I'll go to Peter Jones.
They'll beat anything, apparently.
You didn't think I'd be here with you, did you, darling?
-Hmm? -Well, Mum, yes, I did.
I've got dad and Oliver coming over,
and my friend Sarah whom you like so much,
and Gran is going to be here.
And everyone was really hoping, Mum, that you would be.
I know they'll be heartbroken.
-Eddy. -I'm ignoring it.
So, do stay.
But I won't expect you to break the habit of a lifetime.
Ugh! Darling, that is unfair! -Yeah.
There were times when you were very little, darling, when...
-When... When what? -What?
When even the dog refused to babysit!
Exactly!
I was forced to see the New Year in with you.
Never! You were always pissed by midnight.
Big Ben counted you out.
Big Ben? Who's big Ben?
Let's crack open the Bolly, let's get the evening underway.
Yeah! Come on!
So, this New Year thing.
Am I correct in thinking it's when the year goes up one?
That's right. Yeah. That's right.
-To? -No, only one, dear.
To 1995.
I shall make a note of that in my pad.
At what time does it occur?
Midnight.
Cos I'm always signing cheques for you with the wrong date on.
Why would you...
It's clever, though, isn't it, the way it happens?
Regular, almost like clockwork.
I mean, 12 months go by...
Hello! Hello! Hello!
..of their own accord.
And behold, another year begins.
It knows what it is.
And somehow, as if by magic,
everyone in the whole world does as well!
The sweet sand passage of time!
What's she drivelling on about?
I think she's clearing a blockage or something.
She's still again now. I think we're safe.
You! What are you doing here? You can go! You can go!
It'll come to me.
-(DOORBELL BUZZES) -That'll be dad and Oliver.
-(PHONE RINGS) -Oh!
Hello? Oh, Mum, it's Marshall.
Oh, my God. It never rains but it pours.
Ex-husband flash flood.
Hello!
Where is my son?
I told him he should go to you for New Year,
but you know what he's like.
He went straight up and applied for a position in Sarajevo.
God! How are you?
I'm having a great time!
No, the animation was not a major box office.
But we've got into turnaround,
and, as a sidebar, let me say,
I've angled to Disney and we're developing a relationship.
God, he's unemployed again.
Oh! No, no, no! I'm with someone else.
Describe her to me, Marshall.
Well, why don't I let her describe herself?
Here you are, gorgeous.
Hello!
Hi. My name is Cherysh, with a "y".
Well, I work out in west Hollywood with Lorenzo.
I'm 117 pounds on a good day.
Character-wise, I'm kind of borderline shy/wild.
I like to surf and turf in that order...
That's enough now.
Things I like to do are... I like to walk along the beach
with the wind in my heart and meaningful thoughts in the air.
I get really distressed by
hatred and violence between peoples,
because I think we should all reach our arms out
-across the wide oceans... -That's enough now, Cherysh.
Because, you know, like the whales,
our tongues transcend the wide oceans.
By the way, I do greetings cards
and messages for all occasions.
Births, deaths, reincarnations,
coming of spirits.
Well, that's about it, really. Nice to speak with you.
Ta-ta!
Chim-chiminee, old chap!
Give me the phone now, baby.
Saff!
How come when she put the phone to her ear,
all I could hear was the ocean? Huh?
I am speaking on the telephone!
Oh, excuse us!
Yeah, Happy New Year. Yeah, see ya.
You have a really good sense of humour.
And you have really great tits!
Thank you!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Coming through. Coming through.
How come all my ex-husbands end up with bimbos? Hmm?
I see you're on casters these days, darling. How cute!
You know, I think they're a great way for hauling around
big, large, hefty objects, don't you?
If you'd said that when you arrived,
I might have been impressed.
Can't you take them off yet, Mum?
-Yeah, let me help. -No. Oh, I'm afraid to!
I put them on on the plane...
-Come on. -My feet swelled,
but I think if you release the pressure they might explode!
-Oh! -Oh, God!
Oh! That's all right, actually.
Oh no, light legs, now. Light legs. Light legs.
Fabulous aren't they? Pats gave them to me for Christmas.
I gave them to you for Christmas.
Well, I didn't say they were FROM me,
I just gave them to her.
I love them, darling. They're gorgeous, fabulous.
Darling, did you get that lovely little, um...
Harrods hampster.
Darling, little Harrods hampster.
-Hamper? -Yes. Hamper!
Not completely useless, you know.
Which reminds me.
I know something.
Oh!
Come to me, come to me, come to me!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
You!
Have a sister!
(ECHOES) A sister! A sister!
-EDINA: We all know that! -SAFFY: I didn't know that!
Oh, yes!
There's more.
She has a name.
Yeah?
Her name is...
(RETCHES)
Jackie!
JUSTIN: What? God!
How do you know that? I never told you that!
A sister! Now that I would like to see.
You can. She's coming over in a minute.
In a minute?
How do you know this?
She taxed the office whilst you were on your holidays.
Eddy! Eddy! Eddy! Jacks taxed the fax...
Fax, fax!
Jacks faxed the office, she's coming tonight!
-Not tonight! -Oh, Eddy, Eddy,
-she's coming here to see me! -What for?
What do you mean, "what for?"
What's it matter, "what for?"
I mean, isn't it enough she's coming here tonight?
-Not tonight! -She can come out with us.
Oh, no...
-It'll be fantastic! Jacks out with us!
-This is my night! -That'll be fantastic.
-This is my night!
Jackie is fabulous on an international scale.
Wherever Jackie is, is the place to be!
I mean, the jet set just follow her
like a flock of migrating birds.
You know, the Grimaldis, the Khashoggis,
the Van Thyssens, the Rothschilds.
She must be quite something!
Uh-huh! She is there behind the rich and powerful,
beside the rich and powerful, under the rich and powerful!
Ski runs in Switzerland.
Drug runs in Cuba.
Eddy!
Darling, she's a walking syringe, that woman.
At least she had the guts to do it!
When did you last see her?
Oh! Well, it wasn't so long ago...
I remember, dear! It was when she was with that group.
Oh, what was it? The Beach Boys? The Beatles.
It was Baader-Meinhof!
It must be 20 years ago now, darling.
Well, I can't wait to meet this woman.
First time you've ever said that, I should imagine.
I hope you are taking her with you tonight.
Well, look, she's hardly likely to stick around here
when Frankie Knuckles beckons.
Darling, does she have to come with us?
Oh, Eddy! It's going to be a fabulous night.
Jacks with us, she won't be any trouble.
I promise you, darling. On my honour.
Patsy's honour?
TOGETHER: Send out the search party.
Hi, Jacks.
Hi, Jacks. Just... You know, hi.
-Hi, Jacks. Come in. -(DOORBELL DINGS)
-Pats. -Jacks.
I didn't recognize you, you've put on weight.
I have some luggage.
May I smoke?
Darling, you can do anything you want.
Oh! Then I needn't bother to do that.
So, this is Eddy's place.
Not bad. Not so vulgar as I expected.
-Do you like it, Jacks? -Close.
What area is this, Shepherd's Bush?
It's Holland Park! Hello.
Eddy. Eddy, Jacks. Hi.
Yes, I remember you.
Another one who's ballooned.
So what is it, a waxworks museum?
Um, this... This, um...
The House of Wax?
Sorry, we're gonna have to help Patsy.
She's never entertained on this kind of scale before.
On any scale.
This is my daughter, Saffy.
Oh, never mind. Too late to flush her now.
I know.
Hi, I... I'm Justin and this is my...
This is Oliver.
-Hi. -Men, thank God!
There's nothing I hate more
than being in all-female company.
Little does she know!
I'm Saffy's father.
Oh, how sweet of you to admit to a thing like that!
Is it very bright in here or am I badly lit?
Oh, my darling, that's not possible!
No!
Jacks, just have a seat, darling, OK.
We're gonna have a quick drink and then pop off to this club.
-Champagne. -Pop off to this club.
So, 20 years.
Is it? Oh yes, it was just before our mother died.
-Yeah. -So, how was the funeral?
You know, not bad.
She was dead, wasn't she?
-Yeah. -Then it was great.
Any of the others there?
No, I was the only family.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, nothing. I mean, I didn't expect you be there, Jacks.
How many of you are there?
I don't know much about Patsy's family.
Why should you? You deserve to be kept in the dark.
Right.
My god! If you were mine,
I'd go one step further and put a bag over your head.
I'm going downstairs.
Can't take the heat!
She puts you in the shade.
You're a very poor reproduction.
So, how many of there are you? Brothers and sisters, I mean.
Nobody knows.
Our mother gave birth like a giant sprinkler,
scattering bastard babies to the four corners of the earth.
How nicely put.
Do you, uh... Did you have the same father?
No-one knows. Mother was such a slut.
Could have been any of the men in any of the bars in France.
You know, she was always the entertainment.
Before slot machines?
She was the slot machine!
So, uh...
So who's the older... I mean, the bigger sister?
-(SIZZLING) -I am.
Well, you both look so great!
How old are you?
-I'm 39. -I'm 41.
Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom a moment.
Upstairs to the left. Don't just wander about!
-Well, I think she's wonderful! -Wonderful!
Oh, God. You two are so predictable, aren't you?
I mean, a bitch with a drug habit
and you're anybody's, aren't you?
Marlene and Judy rolled into one for you, is it?
Get her to tell you the Dietrich stories!
No! No, darling!
She does the whole of Carnegie Hall. We'll be here all night!
You are clever doing all this.
It's not all me, the salads are Delia Smith's.
Does she know you've got them?
Anyway, I prefer to stay down here, out of the firing line.
-In the trenches. -Yes.
Oh.
Anything I can do, dear?
No, that's fine, Gran.
You still here?
She's gone to the toilet again.
I can't believe what that woman said to me.
Yeah, she is witty, I'll give her that.
What gives her the right to treat people like that, Mum?
She's thin!
-Are you okay, Jacks? -Yes.
You got everything you need?
I mean, I've got a little stash if you need something softer.
Toilet paper?
No! No! I mean, a little something, you know,
next time you need to "Use the bathroom"
you know, (SNIFFS) freshen up a little.
No, no, darling, I don't do that anymore.
-But... -No, I just needed the loo.
I have a little bladder problem at the moment.
Do you have anything to eat?
To...?
Eat.
But Jacks, we're just about to go out.
I have to eat something.
Um, Eddy.
Darling, are you ready to go? Where's my cigarettes?
We'll be going soon, but look, there's no rush about this.
This is not the sort of club that you arrive at early.
Now, let's be cool about it, babe.
-The thing is that... -What?
-Jacks is... -Jacks what?
Oh, Jacks what?
I am feeling a little peckish.
So have you got any of those, um, food things?
Oh, cheers.
-Delicious. -(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Are you all right, darling? All right?
Happy New Year to you!
-Happy New Year! -Happy New Year!
(SNORES)
Are you all right, Gran?
Oh! Oh, yes, dear.
So who are we this evening, then?
Oh! Well, it's just us and Dad and Oliver and Sarah.
Oh. I was rather hoping you'd start with me, dear.
Who am I?
Is it a book...
..or a film?
What pills are you taking, Gran?
Only these, dear.
Merci!
You know, I have a theory that all Englishmen are gay.
If only!
I'm not English.
-Aren't you? -No, I'm Canadian.
My God, you'll admit to that as well, will you?
Well, the midnight hour creeps closer.
Do you have any resolutions, Jackie?
Well, I think just to resist the surgeon's knife
for yet another year.
So, you two are in antiques?
You know, I don't know very much about antiques.
The only Chippendale I ever sat on had two legs.
(JUSTIN LAUGHING)
-She's eating potpourri. -Let her.
Jacks, crisps are here, darling.
I know, they're disgusting!
Don't you have any decent food in the house?
No.
You know...
Apparently, Faye Dunaway had her favourite dog
made into a pair of boots when it died.
Well, that's nothing to Jacks. She had her second husband
made into a small cagoule when he died.
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
A cagoule? Whoever heard of such a thing.
It was a small-waisted evening jacket with Chanel buttons.
As in life, he was a tight fit that never suited me.
Is everybody finished?
Yes, it was wonderful.
Food like that is one of the reasons I live in France.
Stay down.
Excuse me, I just have to go to the bathroom
to touch up...something.
Come on! Let's go while she's in the toilet!
No, Eddy. You know Jacks.
She's just warming up, having a pick-me-up.
-Oh, come on! -Eddy come on, remember.
You remember that fantastic song by Jacques Brel,
the Scott Walker song?
-It was written for her. -No, it wasn't!
# And if some day I should become a singer
-# With a Spanish bum -Stop it!
# Cute in a stupid-ass way
Stop it! You worship that woman.
-# If I could be for only one hour #
Hey! Ugh!
Someone's yakking up in't toilet upstairs.
Can you get them to stop? We can't hear t'telly.
Oh, my God!
Well, how else do you think she stays so fantastically thin?
I mean, it's a perfectly normal thing to do.
I mean, royalty, for God's sake.
I mean, I'd do it if I still could!
-Why can't she? -Had a bypass.
A heart bypass?
No, stomach, darling.
Got everything you need, Jacks?
It's just that, you know, we should be on our way
if we wanna make a night of it.
No, darling, you go without me. I'll stay here.
Um, I'm just looking for some hand cream.
Darling, it is a pretty fabulous place.
Pats...
I'm too tired.
But it's been very nice to see family again.
Well, it's good to see you again, Jacks.
Thanks for taking the time to drop by.
Nice to see you, too, Pats.
I like your hair.
Do you?
Yes. It's lovely.
Well, it grew back pretty well, actually.
(SCISSORS CLICKING)
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHING EVILLY)
-Kids, huh? -Yeah. Yeah.
And sisters.
Yeah.
But you were always the lucky one, Pats.
Lucky?
Well, yes. I know you ended up a childless spinster,
but at least our mother loved you.
Did she?
You went to live with her, didn't you?
She sent you to school, didn't she?
Yeah, but by the time I got to kindergarten,
I was bigger than the teacher!
Darling, you went.
My God,
I was ripped from her body
and thrown into the Paris gutter!
She didn't give birth, she had something removed.
"Take it away!"
BOTH: "And bring me another lover."
Exactly.
I thought that was my birth?
Darling, she only had one story.
But that's OK, you've done all right.
You've got this friend.
Yeah, but Jacks, you've got the life!
Yes, but darling, listen.
You've got your friend, Eddy, and this house.
Yeah?
I don't think Eddy likes me.
Don't worry about it, Jacks. Why should you care?
She likes you, though.
Do you think so?
Do you think Eddy would mind
if I stayed here for a couple of months?
What?
I don't have anywhere to live at the moment.
Ask her for me, will you?
But Jacks, What about Paris and St Tropez?
No, darling, that was 20 years ago.
The wives got the houses, not the hookers.
I need some money and a place to live.
I've got this little scheme going with a friend in France.
And until he gets underway, I need some help.
Yeah. A little scheme, a little something, a little...
A little refuge for stray cats and dogs.
Yeah, sure, like, for cats on crack?
No, Pats. For cats and dogs.
No, no, no, Jacks. No, no.
Not the woman who smoked opium
with Chairman Mao and Che Guevara?
Just the little, unwanted ones.
Who was there when Nureyev defected,
who introduced Jackie to O...
Some of those little guys have only got one eye.
..who made Dylan go electric.
No, this woman does not run a pet hotel.
Darling, if you could only see their little faces!
Oh, no, Jacks! No!
Mum, why don't you come upstairs and watch TV with us?
Cos I should be having fun!
Come on, Jacks! Remember how it used to be.
Well, of course you're tired. Everyone gets tired,
but just have a little sniff and you'll be okay.
Darling, I just have to get the suitcase now.
Jacks, remember Brel and Serge Gainsbourg.
Those guys didn't even get out of bed till two in the morning!
Don't you remember you used to say,
-"Never conform..." -Look at my baby!
Siamese cat? You used to wear those, Jacks!
Jacks, you used to say, "Heighten the contradictions."
I know, darling...
There's a whole night out there waiting to be lived!
It's all finished, darling, no!
-# If I could be for only an hour
# Cute in a stupid-ass way #
Jacks, come out with us tonight!
Darling, I can get you drugs, I can get you surgeons.
I can get you money.
We have our whole lives ahead of us, Jacks!
Pats.
I'm 72.
Oh, my God! What does that make me, then?
Eddy.
-She is still here. -Yeah.
And so am I.
You have failed on all counts now, Pats.
This is going down as the worst New Year's Eve on record.
I...
am now being taken
into the sitting room...
..to watch the New Year in on telly.
That, in my book, darling, is about as low as you can go.
Sorry, Eddy. I'm sorry.
Well, I just can't believe that you value
that tight-arsed, viper-tongued, thin-lipped,
talking hypodermic over our friendship, darling!
No. But I don't, Eddy,
it's just that she's got me in this moral dilemma.
-Pats. -Yes, Eddy?
You have no morals, darling.
See you, Jacks.
Yes. See you, Pats.
Thanks for everything.
I shall be at Claridge's if you need me.
Okay, babe.
Here you are.
Oh! No, no, darling, I don't do that anymore.
Take it anyway.
Do me a favour, go out with a bang.
Look, Pats. My little darlings...
(CLOCK CHIMES)
Eddy, she's gone! It's OK, Eddy, we can go now.
-Eddy, she's gone. She's... -(SHUSHING)
(CHIMES ECHO...)
(CLOCK FINALLY STRIKES)
-Happy New Year! -Happy New Year!
BUBBLE: Happy New Year.
That's it, then. I'll be off.