Oh, God!
Hello, hello.
Patsy, darling. Come on, come and sit down.
Don't wander off!
I could be called on to that podium at any moment.
Relax, darling. Have a little of this Stoli promotion, yeah.
(EDINA MUMBLING)
It's the PR PRs.
It won't be the first award, but it's the big one.
I should sit down nearer the aisle. Swap, swap, swap.
Swap, swap.
(SIGHING) Oh, God! So, who else is here?
I sent Bubble out with her ear to the ground and a pad.
But I want a celebrity count. Celebrity count.
Well, there's no-one to worry about, um...
-Elizabeth Hurley. -Obviously.
Yeah. And I got a whiff of Tania Bryer,
but she was on a table practically out in the foyer.
And there is a possibility of Isabella Rossellini.
No! Damn.
Damn! That'll be Dolce and Gabbana, they're using her now.
I don't know why.
-No, she's far too old. -Far too old.
This is the happening table, then, this one.
Yeah, this one, darling. Naomi is it!
Right. Good. Hello. I guess it wasn't easy, you know.
Oh, darling, this is the flash-camera situation.
Yes.
-Hello, hello, hello. -Thank you.
Patsy Stone, 39, international beauty and style guru.
-Just do Edina Monsoon. -That's enough.
Where's Lulu? Where is Lulu? She's supposed to be here.
I wanted Naomi and Lulu.
I wanted a potpourri of A-list visibles, you know.
Claudia Bing, of Bing, Bing, Bing and Bing PR.
-Do you want a drink? -I'm fine, thanks.
She's very difficult. Very difficult.
There's Claudia Bing. Hello, Claudia!
Hello.
-Who's she got at her table? -Nobodies.
I know. But a lot of nobodies, isn't it?
Many nobodies over there.
What Channel Tunnel needs is a derailment or a small bomb
or a suicide. I can't get any more coverage.
Train going through hole is dull, dull, dull.
I need you to mingle with your pad. Pick up the buzz.
I need to know who's got who,
what, when and in what capacity.
Next week's very busy for me.
I'm launching Erica Jong's new book,
Sex With Myself: Sticky Fingers.
Bill's thrilled, he loves huge openings.
He's a very good friend of mine. I've met him.
I've got to go through this - my acceptance speech.
-Did you write it, Eddy? -No, Will Self did it.
He's very good. He's the latest thing.
You go and talk to Naomi, she's looking bored, go talk to her!
Hello. You all right?
Bubble? Where's Bubble? Bubble! Bubble!
Right, what have you got? What's the buzz?
Two bottles of champagne on table six.
A cigar for the man on table four.
And sticky toffee pudding for tables seven and eight.
I need names, places, concepts, happening, network!
Get the buzz! The buzz!
Ah, Naomi, Patsy Stone, hi.
I just wanna say I think you're fabulous
and worth every penny you get.
Babe, you are one in a million and, darling, I should know,
you know, I should know.
I wish you could see the tragic cases
that parade every day through my magazine,
in search of a spread.
Naomi, love. Daily Mail,
Is that one of Vivienne's you're wearing?
No, it's my own.
Anyway, I just have to tell these tragic little wannabes,
do you know what I tell them?
I say, "Darling, stick your fingers down your throat,
"hack off your tits, keep taking the tablets
"and don't come back until you're looking like something."
-You know? -Yeah, I remember you.
And sticky toffee pudding on table six.
Go out again. I need more. I see Alexander over there.
The press were very mean to him after his last collection,
but it didn't do him any harm.
He just sells the same clothes,
but with the word "Crap" actually printed on it.
"Crap" jacket, "Crap" shirt.
He can't keep up with the demand for crap.
-There's Naomi! -Yes, don't rub it in.
Now, where was I?
The other interesting thing I was about to say is
I'm just launching a campaign on "Tested for animals".
It's cosmetics using human blubber!
The whales use us as a moisturiser.
Yes. Whales use us as a moisturiser.
We should get Naomi to front it.
Yes, I've already thought of that!
I've just got to check.
PATSY: Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
CLAUDIA: Hello! EDINA: Hello!
Did you enjoy the premier last Tuesday?
Yes, it was fabulous.
What did you think of the film?
-I just went to the party. -Yes, me, too.
-Yeah, so I did that party. -It was quite good.
Though personally, I've never thought Japanese finger food
sat well in the Atlantic.
Bubble! Walk the steps to the podium, will you?
See how many steps to the podium, for me.
Squeak, walk the steps. Copy steps.
No, you can't sit there! That's Lulu. You can't sit there.
-She's not here. -She's very small!
Hi! I think we met at Helena's eyelash launch. Claudia Bing.
Did we?
I'm organising a liposuction-o-thon,
in aid of whales, next week.
Got a lot of actresses interested.
Jane Seymour's sucking out her own.
I don't need lipo.
No, we don't want fat people. That will be a real turn-off.
Also, have you heard of Ozone, the Eco Scent?
Look at her. What does she want? Look at her.
Look at that hair! What is that?
Some gel scraped through the split ends.
I know! That's not a hairstyle.
No. It's a cover-up.
I promise we won't take up any more of your time
than we possibly can.
It'll be fun!
She's being very difficult.
You do the cigar, and I'll deal with the toffee pudding.
Are you okay? You're not drinking that water, are you?
That's not my water. This is my water.
Drink this one. Me and this water. This water!
Naomi and me and this water.
Where are you going? Where are you going?
I need a waz.
Me and this water! Me and Naomi.
Who's asking about lateral thinking?
We'll come to that next week... if you decide to come again.
Oh, yes, I will! I found it fascinating.
I always thought psychology was,
well, not very interesting.
But you make it.
Anyway...
I hope I didn't drag you out of your way to bring me home.
Completely.
No, but It was just great to find somebody interested.
Most of the students are thinking wheelbarrows.
If you remember the de Bono analogy I used today.
Oh, yes.
Whereas you have the potential to be a thinking limousine!
(GIGGLING)
I don't know about that!
-A real Rolls-Royce brain. -(GIGGLING)
(GLASS CLINKING)
You don't live here on your own, I hope?
Uh, no, my mother is out for the evening, luckily.
Well... I'd better be going.
Oh, would you like a tea or coffee or something?
Well... What've you got?
Oh!
Everything!
Pats! Come on, come on.
Why did you take so long? Where have you been?
I just ran into little Jason Donovan.
Oh, my God!
-Is he still standing? -Gorgeous!
(KISSING)
ANNOUNCER: And now, the award for multimedia
networking technique for celebrity...
No, this is not... This isn't mine.
..to be presented by Lulu.
Lulu! Lulu! She's with me! She's with me.
Lulu, it's me. It's Lulu.
Lulu. She must have just got back from Germany.
She's been on tour.
LULU: Thank you, thank you.
I'm literally just off the plane from Australia.
Australia.
LULU: Oh, my new single is out next week.
Hold out. God, why doesn't she ever tell me these things?
LULU: The winner is Mike Stewart, for Transpose.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Lulu!
I've got a microphone, sing Shout, sing Shout!
Oh, damn! She's gone. Watch, it's mine next, darling.
(WHISPERING) Naomi.
Naomi, can I sit here? It's closer for me.
No, I'm presenting it.
Oh, you're presenting it.
This month's PRs PR Award
is going to be presented by Naomi Campbell.
That's you!
Oh, relax, Eddy. It's a good buzz.
-Is it a big buzz?
-It's a huge buzz! - Huge buzz!
Move the table closer. Pick and lift! Pick and lift!
Move the table, just a bit closer.
And the winner is...
..if I can open this envelope...
-of the PR PRs Award... -Yes.
Claudia Bing!
(CLAUDIA SHRIEKING) (MUSIC PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I accept this totally.
I have a great team who'll all be thrilled. Thank you.
I know this award is chiefly due to the success of
my "Stop dumping" campaign.
"Stop dumping and make the world a better place."
Tonight, the world couldn't smell sweeter. I'm thrilled!
-Pats. Pats. -It was the wrong buzz.
We're going! We're going! We're not staying here.
-Come on, darling. -Come on, sweetheart.
CLAUDIA: Bye!
PATSY: This frightens me! It frightens me!
I mean, how did that bitch win?
Come on, Eddy, you know these things.
She probably bribed the judges.
I chose those judges!
Come on. I'm going home!
Stop dumping! I thought of that.
It's getting late. Don't get me on to logic bubbles.
I'll be here all night.
Would you like another tea?
Would you like to try the raspberry?
What was that I had before this one?
Oh, the Banja thing. One of Mum's.
-And before that? -The fennel.
Okay. I'll try the raspberry.
-I'm not keeping you up, am I? -No.
I was just thinking,
it's so true what you were saying about critical thinking.
The western disease.
-You have an eyelash. -Have I? Where?
-On your cheek. -Oh.
I can't see it.
-Which cheek? -Shall I?
Yes, please. Thank you.
-Here. -Thank you.
-Being cuticle... -Cuticle?
Sorry. I mean, critical destruction.
Yes, if one hypothesis doesn't necessarily make a better one.
How's the raspberry?
Lovely.
Are you all right?
I don't think I can manage the passion fruit.
Oh?
-Look, um, I... -Oh.
-I should be going. -Oh!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
PATSY: Fine, it's hardly gonna be a popular win.
What is the point of winning if it's not popular?
-Nobody likes her. -Everybody I know hates her!
-I hate her. -I hate her. Hate her!
I'm not letting that prejudice my argument.
I mean, it's just that she's not a woman's woman, you know.
She's not a man's woman, she's not a woman.
-Whereas we, you see... -We are anybody's.
EDINA: Some think it's important!
PATSY: It's not important!
They are imporant! They are important...
They are not important.
Of course they're not, darling.
I mean, God! They're not really a reflection
of what is actually happening!
Of course they're not, darling.
I think maybe I should go.
This is somebody's bloody subjective view, isn't it?
-Just because they're... -I know where the door is.
..jealous, because I'm unconventional and successful.
Of course they are, babe.
Oh, God! I mean, I piss better ideas than Claudia Bing.
Babe, you do!
You're back very early, Mum.
Yeah, well, don't ask me how it went, darling.
It was a monumental bloody buggery cock-up
of global proportions, darling!
-I take it you didn't win. -Of course I didn't win.
Babe, that award had your name on it.
Of course it had my name on it. I bought it, I sponsored it.
It is the Edina Monsoon PRs' PR Award. I am it.
Then why did you bother to open it up to competition?
Because I was a fool.
No, babe! It's because the bitch must have cheated.
The bitch cheated!
-She cheated. -What did she do? Some work?
Oh!
Shall I hit her for you, Eddy?
No, muzzle yourself, muzzle yourself.
I'm sorry, Mum, but I've never seen what it is you do.
(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)
(ENUNCIATING) PR!
-Yes, but... -PR!
My PR things! People.
Places. Concepts.
-Lulu! -Lulu!
I PR them! I am, and if you've heard of me, I have PR.
I make the fabulous. I make the crap into credible.
I make the dull into...
-Delicious. -Delicious.
I PR, darling, and yet they would bloody honour
some pea-brained, hypocritical do-gooder like her.
Well, you all sound the same, anyway.
And awards don't matter.
Thank you, darling. No, they don't, do they, darling?
Award, Pats? Awards don't matter.
We've been here before.
It's just, you know, I just want one!
I just want one, darling. I need one.
My career is on a sort of
toboggan run of failure at the moment, you know.
I need one. They're the only thing that seems to mean
anything these days, you know.
I need it now, too,
before the menopause drags me into her gaping jaws.
Before my creative hormonal oil-well dribbles to a halt.
Before my bottom becomes a patchwork quilt
of monkey glands, darling.
Mum, menopause can be a very exhilarating
and positive time for a woman.
Oh, yeah, darling,
and the curse is a blessing and childbirth is painless! No!
Unless that gaping hole on my mantelpiece
is filled pretty soon, darling,
I might as...
Yeah, I might as well just lick this light switch
and do us all a favour, darling.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Aha! Aha! Who was that man?
What?
Who, who, who? This man here! The man here.
I came down the stairs, there was a man here. Who was he?
He's just my psychology lecturer.
-Your psychology lecturer? -He just dropped me home.
Your psychology lecturer?
Uh-huh, huh?
Look at you. I thought you were acting a little weird.
Mum, I am not acting weird.
Obviously, darling, not acting.
My God! If you'd shown any talent in that direction,
I would have strapped a pony tail on your head,
and sent you to the Sylvia Young stage school, darling.
With any luck, I'd've got Roman Polanski interested in you.
She was never young enough for him.
And then we'd never have heard the word uni-bloody-versity,
would we? Hmm?
I'm off to sleep on what's left of my career.
What's new?
What is new, darling,
is that if I don't come up with an idea pretty soon,
you can say goodbye to uni-bloody-versity,
to this sink, to this bloody house, to you, old smugs.
Some of us have to work for a living, you know,
we can't all be liggers.
Not you, not you.
-Morning, Saff. -Morning.
Ready for breakfast. Here we go.
Have a big day ahead. Now, what do I need? Brainfood.
Here. Vegetable juice and prune juice,
that should get something moving, darling.
Something big is going to happen today.
It's going to be a fabulous day!
Are you here today?
No, I've got to nip into the shop
and then on to the office for a brainstorm.
I didn't know you still had the shop.
Oh, yeah, I still got it, darling.
But it's not doing very well. The supply has dropped off.
India's had it, been there. Africa's dried up completely.
It's ridiculous. Thank God for Grozny! Honestly.
Well, if it wasn't for that lovely Russian army advancing,
flushing out those gorgeous heirlooms in my direction,
I don't know what I'd do.
You should see in the shop at the moment,
I've got this fabulous little samovar
with a little old woman still attached to it!
Gripping on for dear life.
Planning to lure her off with dried breadcrumbs,
just so I can get a decent price.
-Mum. -Oh. (SHUSHING)
Oh, God!
Yeah, but it tastes foul, so it must be doing me some good.
Oh, actually, no! Yeah, it's working.
Yeah, I can feel myself thinking better, yeah.
Think, think, think, yeah.
Strap on the crampons and steer to the summit of my career.
Surf the Net with the rest of them, I'm off.
-Mum? -What?
Change.
What? Oh! (SCREAMING)
What's that?
Oh, my God! It's my Westwood bum-bag.
I thought it was attached to the dress. It's on me.
Get it off! Get it off!
Take it off!
Much longer, Tony?
I think I'm ready to try something.
Before lunch? Is that a good idea?
Let's not rush it, Tony. We have got two days.
I'm trying to spend some money here.
Why don't we shoot on motion-control cameras?
-Is that expensive? -Very.
Good, do it.
What is it you want me to do?
Did your car pick you up on time?
Yes.
-You got flowers last night? -Yes.
-And were they lovely? -Yes.
And have you been offered everything?
Yes.
Now, you know the product, Ozone, the Eco Scent.
Don't smell that. It's just the dummy.
Now, in this promo, technically, you're an insert.
And you say something like, "I plugged my hole with Ozone.
"I want to plug your smell-hole."
Pierce and Colin have gone off into a corner to do a rewrite.
Have you met Pierce and Colin?
They are the team responsible for "Milk!" and "Beef!"
-How long is this gonna take? -Sit tight. Have a coffee.
Tony wants an emotional-controlled camera.
-Two! -Two!
Did you get tapped into that global database today?
-I did. -And?
I've got a meeting with a computer database tonight.
What?
He will be wearing a red rose in his buttonhole.
And if compatibility strikes, who knows?
Wedding bells are not out of the question.
Oh, shush.
And there's a questionnaire.
I put you down as casual, sporty, with no pets.
Hello! Can I assist?
Hello, darling, I just popped by to say, you know,
congratulations.
Is Naomi here?
Yeah, she's over there, but she's behaving very badly.
-What's that? -Lacroix's watch.
Didn't he send you one?
-Tony's got a problem! -Oh!
Hi, Naomi. Hi. It's Eddy. Eddy. Edina Monsoon.
Now, I'm starting a global integrated tele-satellite
projection system, okay? The whole world is our screen.
Imagine, your face on the Gobi desert.
Your face over the whole of the Antarctic. I just need you.
Naomi, have you seen a menu?
Yes.
All right, just the idea of you is enough, all right?
Thank you. Say yes. Yes. That's lovely.
Will we see you tomorrow?
Um, yeah, I'm launching something pretty huge.
I just can't bear the idea that
one day some inexperienced, clumsy, spotty youth
will get his hands on something so precious.
(EXHALES)
I would love to gently open that flower.
Oh, hello, Gerard! How's your wife?
And how's the new house, dear?
We miss you up our end, you know.
But I did see your sister the other day.
On that saga tour of Sizewell B.
It was very good, dear.
They allowed us to push the buttons.
Is he getting fresh with you?
-W... -Oh, dear!
If you take my advice, Gerard, you'll play it cool.
There's nothing so unattractive as a frisky old person.
Believe me, I know.
I've seen Cocoon.
-Where's Eddy? -Oh, isn't she with you, dear?
I was beginning to think you two were attached at the hip.
Why don't you try Patsy? I'm sure she's more your type.
I've been trying to explain.
Would you like a drink, Patsy?
What?
Vodka?
-Don't do this to me. -Just get out!
Right, I'm home! Idea had, career saved.
Crack open the Bolli.
Oh, fabulous, Eddy! Well done, well done, Eddy!
It's a fabulous idea, darling.
And we'll present it at the industry do tomorrow lunch.
-Will you come? -Yeah. Free lunch, I'll come.
Mum?
Shush. I'm just going to absorb my lovely launch speech,
-my lovely launch speech. -Oh, cheers, Eddy!
Mum, I need to speak to you, it's Gerard.
I'm meditating.
-Mum, he's bothering me. -Is he mad?
-No, he's married! -With four boys, dear.
I think I left my briefcase.
Go on!
Just stop bothering my daughter, all right?
-Oh, cheers, Eddy! -Yeah, well...
Thanks, Mum!
Yeah, yeah, well, it's too many people here already.
Don't you look so confident.
You're next, you know. Yes, you!
And with my friends CLAUDIA: at BMBBB and Needham
and their friends at BMDDDD and Needham.
We feel we have worked out the importance of brand identity,
more keenly than many of our rivals.
Testing, testing.
..product which was once perceived
as no more than blobs of sweet additive-filled gelatine
but with new packaging,
is now produced as a trendy confectionery,
the profits of which
for the next three months will go to the Africa Baby Fund.
"Is it a gimmick?" I hear my colleagues cry.
No, it would only be a gimmick if it was for two months.
EDINA: Oh, yeah.
In conclusion, I would like to say,
why change the world
when all you need is change people's perception of it?
Where's the speech? Where is my speech?
Where's the speech gone? Where is that waiter?
Where is the waiter that had my speech?
It was here a minute ago. Where is the waiter with my speech?
It was here! It was here! (PANTING) Hi, hello.
Where is it? It was just here.
It was just here. My speech was just...
(IN SINGSONG) Why are we waiting?
Come on, let's just go! Let's go. You don't...
No, I can't just go, darling.
Yeah, I was going to make a... Testing, testing.
Yeah, I was gonna make a speech.
I just can't be bothered any more!
You know, this used to be like fun, you know.
You know, it used to be fun,
but I've been bored of all the fun bits now, you know.
Yeah, and just bloody lunches and launches, you know,
and some no-career celebrities and party desperates.
And what for? Huh?
It's all column inches in some crap tabs and mags.
Well, I'm sorry.
There has to be a little bit more than that, doesn't there?
Hmm? Yeah, I mean, I had a speech, you know, about...
About projected integrated global tele-network system,
bloody system system.
But if that's what the world's coming to,
I don't want to be in it. No, I don't want that.
I don't want to be in some sort of cyber-space,
hyper-virtual bloody reality.
I don't want that.
Exchanging e-mail with some old-aged bloody hippies
with more information at their fingertips than is safe.
I don't want that!
What kind of reality is that?
With a 13-amp plug on the end of it, huh?
Huh?
That can be unplugged like that. Come on, let's...
No, I'm not going yet.
No. You! Yeah, you sit there,
you sit there where you're velcroed to some bloody ad-man,
those crap head ad-man over there, those...
You know, those kings of bastardisation
who just taken anything that was ever real and genuine
and honest, and original
and attached it to a toilet cleaner!
Whereas I, yeah, I, like a bird on the wire...
Like a drunk in a midnight choir.
I have tried, yeah, in my way, to be free.
# Like a bird on the wire
Go for it, Eddy, go for it.
# Like a drunk in a midnight choir
# I've tried in my way
# To be free. #
Yeah, you can, do laugh, but you know something,
I don't want more choice. I just want nicer things!
And you, you, take that look off your face.
You sitting there with your whales and your cancer
and AIDS and starvation.
You're skimming a neat profit off the whole of human misery.
Labelling us all with this global guilt. Huh?
Yeah, well, you know, It may not all be great and good,
but it ain't that bad, you know.
So, come on, world, cheer up. It may never bloody happen!
Come on, darling, we're going.
-I think you just did, Eddy. -Yeah, come on.
(RAZZING)
Come on, darling. Where is my speech? Where was my speech?
If the waiter took it, it would have been at the table still.
Wait, wait. In the kitchens. Let's go to the kitchens!
It must be here somewhere.
Good speech though, Eddy.
But they're bastards, aren't they? They're all bastards!
All right, where are we going, Eddy?
Well, if it was... It's in the rubbish, darling...
If it was cleared away by the waiters,
it'll be here somewhere, won't it?
Eddy! Eddy! Eddy! Eddy! Eddy!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hello, sweetie. Huh?
Really? Yeah.
Well, darling, I knew that would happen, yeah.
That's fabulous.
Yeah, well, tell her I'll be right there, darling.
-Hang on. -(HORN BLARES)
Oi! Boatie.
Where are we going?
Landfill?
Landfill. Ostend?
Darling, it's landfill in Ostend.
Get me a cab for Ostend.
See you later.
Hello, darling.
Well done, Mum. I heard about your speech. I'm proud of you.
(EDINA EXCLAIMS)
Thank you, sweetheart.
"Cheer up, it may never happen."
I know. It's fabulous, isn't it?
"Cheer up, it may never happen."
Got me the Prozac campaign, now.
Listen, where is Bubble?
Bubble? Darling? Yeah, we're launching it this week.
I want huge billboards.
Depressed? Don't be!
Unhappiness is an unnatural state.
Especially round council estates and hospitals,
darling. Everywhere!
Yeah, before the lunch. All right?
Coming into the office. I'll see you in a minute.
-Let's go for lunch. -Can we have lunch?
There's a sniff of Joan Collins around Harvey Nichs.
-There's a new shop down there. -Is there?
We'll go there first.