Instructions.
Damn!
Let's turn now to the mechanism of protein synthesis,
a process called translation,
because the four-letter alphabet of...
Four-letter alphabet of nucleic acids
is translated into the different...
(WHISPERING) Get out!
A protein is synthesised in the amino to carboxyl direction...
(MOBILE RINGING)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
(RINGING STOPS)
(SIGHS) It's next to the sink, under the surface.
It's labelled.
Did I tell you we're amalgamating
with a big PR company in America? PRM? Yeah.
Yes, the big time, darling, hmm.
It should be enough to bring Lulu back into the fold anyway.
No, I know, I'm getting
all the majors from the States, darling.
Planet Hollywood, AIDS, big AIDS conventions
Elizabeth Taylor AIDS conventions, darling!
We're talking three-lunch days.
Goodbye Tania Bryer and hello... Sweetie? Sweetie!
Damn, damn! Bugger, bugger! Bollocks!
Morning, Eddy.
(SIGHS) Oh, morning, darling.
Did you sleep all right?
Yeah, eventually. You know, after a few hours.
Not in Saffy's bed!
-My bed. -Oh, God.
Who was it, anyway?
Oh, he's just a male model.
Square head and Calvin Klein underpants.
-(EDINA SIGHS) -Wanted to, um...
Wanted to show me his portfolio.
All right. How was it?
Fantastic!
Do you want a... Do you want a cup of coffee, darling?
Yeah. That'd be nice. Eddy, where did I leave my keys?
Darling, I've told you. You always leave them around.
When you come in the house, put them in the bowl!
I've put them in your bag for you.
Ed, this is like the old days, isn't it? You know?
You and me, just talking to each other in your kitchen,
without old Mrs Grundy! (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
I mean I can just do whatever I want, now, you know, I mean.
I'm sort of a free, liberated woman,
with a career that's going fabulously.
Well, I can just do whatever I want.
What shall we do, darling, hmm?
-I've got to go and see Magda. -Hmm.
Yeah I've got to sort out things here,
and then I'll go into the office
-and sort out the deal. -Yeah, all right.
So, I'll take the car, shall I? And send him back for you.
-Yeah. All right. -Right.
By the way, we're out of mixers.
Okay. I'll put it on my list.
See you later.
(TUTTING)
You'll forget your head one day.
Have a nice day at the office, darling.
All right, thank you and you, sweetie.
That is not going to happen. No, no, no, no, no!
How come she always gets to be the man?
Talking to yourself, dear?
That's the first sign of madness, you know?
Really? I thought it was talking to you.
Anyway, what do you want, huh?
I just popped by to use your oven
to bake the cakes for the shop.
What? The old miseries' charity shop?
That's right, dear.
What, that eyesore
with a moth-eaten felt hat a chipped cup
and a couple of dead batteries
passing as a window display? That?
Well, we don't put anything that people might want
to buy in the window or we'd have to keep replacing it.
You're all out of cocoa
and I promised Mr Potter a chocolate cake this week.
What, this is all my stuff you use, is it?
What, dear?
All this. This... This wheat powder... What's this?
-Flour, dear. -Flour, yes!
All this is mine, is it?
I mean, I am now paying for old people to eat cake?
Saffy said you wouldn't mind, dear. Where is she?
She left home. You knew that.
Oh, yes, of course.
Oh. Oh, yes.
(HUMMING)
Is, um... Is old Patsy coming back?
No.
Well, there's a thing.
You and me, alone at last.
Oh, I see. Well, when was the last time?
Actually, dear, I think it's a first.
Well, don't feel you have to say anything
to mark the occasion, please.
No, no. It's probably better if I go.
Yeah, yeah. Off you go.
I'll come back later
and finish this when there's somebody here.
Yeah.
Actually, dear,
there is one thing I've always wanted to say.
It doesn't matter.
No, but I promised your father I would.
Look, I don't want some scene, okay?
This is very difficult for me, dear.
Don't bother, then. I'm sure I'll survive.
Edwina, dear, do you remember
your first pair of platform shoes?
What the ones you saw Patsy steal? Yeah.
Yes, dear.
Well, Patsy didn't steal them.
Your father and I took them
on a camping trip to the Rhineland...
..to bang the tent pegs in with. I'm sorry!
I should have told you earlier.
Just go. Just go! Just go!
I told you when you bought them
they were very shoddily made.
Leave now!
They absolutely fell to bits.
And eventually we had to invest in a mallet, after all.
Oh! Just leave! Go on!
(CAR HONKING)
What did you say your name were again?
Lulu.
Oh, like Sting?
What is it you do?
I'm a singer. Look, I'm her number one client.
Huh. She tells everyone that!
Don't tell her I said that, though, will you?
Trade secret!
I'm thinking of getting someone else to do my PR.
But don't tell her that, will you? Trade secret.
Not 'cause of me, I hope.
'Cause I am hopeless
with faces, names and people.
Funny you being called Lulu, though,
'cause there were that one, weren't there?
# I'm just a jack in a box
# No, never, no, no
# Jump up and down on a string #
No. That was not me.
Give us one of yours, then.
No.
Go on! Don't be shy.
(CHUCKLES) I bet you've got a lovely voice when you try.
Okay.
(BELTING) # Well... #
(SCREAMS) Stop, stop!
That can't be you!
She'd be really, really old now.
That's me.
But you look too young!
-Ah! -Just kidding!
Got to say that, don't ya?
I'm here. Don't panic. Hello, Lulie, darling, hello.
(KISSES)
Has Bubble filled you in on our big news?
I'm just here as a formality...
-Coffee? -I don't want you to do...
Champagne?
Did she tell you, darling, we've joined forces
-with PRM in New York? -PRM?
Has Whitney Houston rung, darling?
Rung? Has she rung?
Whitney Houston. Go and see if she's rung. Whitney Houston.
And De Niro.
-What, to see if he's rung? -Mmm.
Whitney and De Niro. Just go and see...
-Rung? -Go on! Go on!
You did say PRM?
Yeah. PRM, yeah.
Darling, I've been rushed off my feet, you know?
Bands, books launches, Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein,
Donna Karan, Hollywood Bowl,
Wembley Arena. It's just been names, names, names...
Neil Sedaka. So?
No, no, nothing, nothing. I'll have that...
-What, coffee? -Champagne you offered.
-Glass of champagne... -Bottle!
Bottle of champagne for Lulu.
EDINA: That'll be all right for you?
Ugh! I'll give you a month.
God! It's been push, push, push with that woman
since The Boat That I Row.
They haven't rung.
(GRUMBLES)
But that woman with PMT...
PRM, PRM.
Phoned to say that she'd fixed a meeting for you with...
Go on.
-Bear with me. -Yeah.
She had a really strange accent.
I could barely understand her!
Who?
-Ooh, and that other woman... -Mmm-hmm.
-...very, very high voice. -Mmm-hmm.
"Hello! Hello! How are you, sweetheart?
"I've just won the Grand National."
Elizabeth Taylor?
Wants to have lunch next week.
Lunch, lunch... My God, I have to change!
And there was something,
something, something, blah, blah, blah, blah...
What? What? What? What?
A fax?
Oh, my God!
"Strategy meeting with clients and accountants.
"Urgent press release and campaign advertising
"budget outlines needed." Oh!
-Cripey! -Yeah.
It's the big time for us.
Great!
I'm gonna have to sack you, okay?
Right.
I shall endeavour to transcribe it on to my pad,
photocopy it and file it for future reference.
Hello! Hello! Hello!
Hello. Hello. How are you? Fine. (SIGHS)
Yeah, fine, thanks.
Are you having a nice time
at your bloody university, sweetie?
Are you having a nice time at university?
Shout! Shout!
I can just do what I bloody like now.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS)
Huh. Oh!
Hello, Eddy. I've got Magda,
Fleur, Catriona here. We're just having a little drink.
All right? How're you doing?
I can't stay much longer.
I got, well, bugger all to do till next week, actually.
Take a holiday, darling. South of France.
No, I don't do holidays.
Everybody's a nobody in a bikini.
I bumped into Anna Wintour once when I was
wearing a G-string and I felt me power base slipping.
Really? How can you take a holiday?
You got a guest editor or something this month?
-Yeah, but the magazine's folded. -EDINA: Oh!
We just had our final meeting. We cleared out.
(EDINA SIGHS)
What?
Oh, yes, you missed that bit. You were in the loo.
-Closed? -Yes.
-Oh! -Yes.
That's what we all thought.
Well, what are you going to do, darling? Huh?
Oh, usual routine. Hang around for a couple of weeks
until someone opens another one.
Or see who's looking a bit fragile in the competition
and move in. I can tell you some of them
will be shaking on their mastheads
knowing I'm on the loose.
Yeah, 'course they will, darling.
I was going to say...
-What? -What?
Sorry, I thought I knew
what you were going to say then, but I don't.
I was going to say it's a pity, really.
We had a meeting with Paloma Perfumes with a view to...
Getting some free perfume.
Yes. It's a shame. It took months to set up.
Whatsit, can I use your phone? I'm expecting a call
from New York and I don't want to clog up me mobile.
-Yeah. -New York?
So, what are you going to do?
Well, I've got a friend with a lovely job, so maybe...
Don't be stupid.
Armani, my arsehole! I don't come as a package.
I sacked Bubble. Why don't you have her job?
There you are.
No, no, no, mate. I don't even get out of bed and piss
for that kind of money.
And as for me, well,
self-confidence and fun are my words du jour.
I shall have to fall back on my Revlon connections.
I mean, after all, I've got an awful lot of...
-Make-up? -Yes.
What do you mean bad circulation?
It needs triple bypass surgery,
and I'm holding the scalpel, all right?
Right! I'm off. They've just made me editor
of magazine in New York. HQ
Oh! Congratulations!
Yeah. Don't push it.
Got a non-smoking brunch with Marlboro Lights
and a designer douche launch
to get to by 10:00 tomorrow morning.
All this with my "Ta, nice to have worked with you
"shame it's closed, but it's a crap mag, anyway"
lunch floating about here.
Thanks for the drink. Patsy, a word.
Oh!
magazine. HQ
Tina's moved on again.
Well, I must be off.
Well, if you want that job,
just go into the office 'cause I've sacked Bubble.
So, she can just show you the ropes, all right?
Right.
-EDINA: Yeah. -Okay.
Revlon, here I come!
Excuse me, madam,
would you like to try Revlon's new refreshment spray?
(MIMICS SPRAYING)
EDINA: Pats!
Pats!
Hello, darling.
You don't have to do that in here any more, you know?
Yeah. It's great, isn't it? No bitch daughter.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Fantastic!
I can smoke this anywhere now, you know.
(SIGHS)
What did Magda want?
Oh, she wants to take me to with her. HQ
-Oh! -(INHALES)
You know, familiar face and all that. (SNIFFS)
Oh!
I mean, you could be looking
at the new Grace Coddington here, you know.
-Yeah? Yeah? -Fash Ed supreme.
I mean, it would be major league.
-It would mean major... -Discounts, yeah.
Yeah. It'd be great, wouldn't it? 'Cause I'd see you in
New York, you know, with PRM and it'd be...
You, the new Julie Covington, me just the fantastic!
-Yeah! -Yeah.
-I'll drink to that! -Cheers.
Here's to our fantastic, beautiful lives.
Yeah. Cheers.
What do you see when you look in the mirror, darling?
Me looking fabulous. What do you see?
Yeah, just the room.
(SOBS)
I can't do it, Eddy!
Oh, well, well, what? What? Well?
-(PATSY CRIES) -Huh?
Why can't everything stay still?
I mean, like, what's suddenly happened?
What?
I mean it is like everything I ever wanted,
but all I want to do is to throw up.
You don't want to throw up! You don't have any head room.
Darling, come back here. Come back here, darling.
You don't want to be doing that.
You just want a little drink, darling,
a little drink with a cigarette.
(PATSY PANTING)
That's it. There, there, there.
I mean, you just stand up and put your neck on the line
and they chop it off.
I mean you just put your head up over the parapet
and they kick away the stool.
No, they won't, darling.
They will, they will. They've done it before.
Oh. You're not still thinking about that, are you, darling?
Well, it frightens me, Eddy.
What, still?
Yeah.
I think it is my only memory.
(PLAYING ROCK SONG BADLY)
MAN: Well, fantastic!
Now, I know you came here as a temporary secretary
and it took a lot of courage
to do what you've just done, but...
..you're on Candid Camera!
You bastard.
I'd like you to meet a few more friends of mine.
The Rolling Stones, themselves.
Come on in, boys!
And all your other little friends.
(MOCKING LAUGHTER)
Darling, I don't think it even went out.
I don't think anyone saw it anyway.
Bastards!
Bastard.
You don't know what that did to me, Eddy.
It didn't seem to affect you at all.
It wasn't my song, was it? I mean...
Yeah, but you played on it!
Well, it was just a bit of fun.
(SIGHS)
Anyway, I mean... Darling, you don't have to
do anything. You don't have to do anything!
Just stay here. You don't have to do anything, you know.
I don't want to be just nothing!
You're not just... You're not just nothing!
I know I'm not just nothing.
I mean, I'm not just born and died.
I'm not just nothing, but I'm...
-I'm not out there! -Where? Where?
You know, I want people to be scared of me!
I want them to think, you know Patsy, you know, great!
And I... And I can't because I'm too...
What, what?
-I'm too, I'm too, I'm too... -No, you're not, darling.
You're not that old!
No, I'm not too old!
I know I'm not too old.
It's just that I'm too scared. Why?
Well, it's just old age, that.
I mean, you know,
the older you get, the more frightening life is.
It should be the other way round, but it ain't, you know.
-Bloody old people! -Yeah.
-I don't want to be them! -Oh!
Darling, do you remember when you could just get up
in the morning and feel fabulous?
Without pills?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah!
Yeah, like, every day it was just like, you were just like
Henry Winkler walking into Happy Days.
Hello, hello. You know, I know what I'm doing.
This is mine, people love me.
Yeah. They know who I am!
-Applause! -(IMITATING CROWD APPLAUDING)
Not like some bloody old person
who can't even bloody cross the road at a
pingling crossing that's shouting "Walk! Walk!"
-Pats. -Yes, darling?
-Pats, Pats, Pats. -Yeah.
You know when you're in a room or something,
and you think someone's staring at you?
-In a room? -Or on a plane,
or anywhere, anywhere.
And you're sort of doing things
'cause you think someone's looking,
like, people are looking at you, you know.
-On a plane? -Well, anywhere, anywhere.
And then you look at them,
and they're just sort of asleep.
But their head is flopped in your direction, you know?
Yeah.
Well, I don't want that to happen.
I don't want that to be my life, you know,
whole world asleep.
What?
-Eddy, Eddy. -Yeah.
-Eddy, this is very important. -Yeah.
Don't ever make me a cup of tea.
-No, I won't... -No, no, Eddy, Eddy,
I mean don't ever make me a cup of tea!
No, I won't, darling, I won't. I won't.
(BOTH LAUGH)
What? What? What? No, what, what?
No, I've forgotten the word now.
-No, what? -What is that word?
On your grave marker...
The words on your grave. What is that word?
On your... Your epitomb?
-Your epitomb? -Yeah.
What is that what you want on your epitomb?
I want, "She was fantastic."
Oh, "Patsy was here."
(BOTH GIGGLING)
No, darling, you can just have "Patsy Stone"!
"Patsy Stone"!
(LAUGHS) Eddy, oh, Eddy,
Eddy, Eddy, wait for this, wait for this.
-Yeah? Yeah. -"Eddy.
"Still no thinner." (LAUGHS)
Yeah, these are great.
These are really funny. We could sell these.
Sell them.
Darling, darling, darling!
(LAUGHS) For the bitch daughter,
you could put, "The mingiest..."
No, no. Don't say the minge, don't say the minge.
Minge, mingiest.
Coping all right?
I need a wazz.
Not here, not here, darling. Go upstairs.
Use the upstairs wazza.
You're home, then. What a pleasure, hmm?
I'm not arguing with you when you're stoned.
-Are you staying? -Just tonight.
We can talk tomorrow.
Better change the sheets...
Don't bother. I've done it.
One of the sheets was crawling out on its own accord
in search of an ovum.
Darling,
why don't you come home, sweetie, huh?
Mum, what's the problem?
I have my life and you have yours.
This is what you wanted.
(SCOFFS)
It's just I feel orphaned, you know.
What's the matter? Has the deal fallen through?
Not the deal, not the deal, not that.
It's just...
-What? -Well, darling,
you've just sort of...
You've just sort of abandoned me in this sort of
wilderness of potential greatness
and fabulousness, haven't you?
You know, all my walls have gone
flop, flop, flop, flop.
And I'm just like this kind of prisoner that's released...
Released prisoner, darling,
walking out into the squinting sun.
# The hissing of summer lawns... #
Yeah, thanks.
I mean, you've cast me adrift with no oars!
-You've got oars. -I haven't!
You have! You're just too lazy and fat to use them!
You filth!
I, darling, am a fighter!
Yeah.
You are hyperactive and disorganised, that's all.
You waste time at the speed of sound
and get what you want by shouting loud enough.
Bitch trogg!
Yeah, well...
Yeah, well. You know,
I don't want all these things you think I want,
the success and the deal and the...
I don't want this, I don't want this house.
You do!
I'm coming home at weekends!
Yes.
That'll be all right for you, coming home weekends.
What, Edina Hotel, huh?
Yeah. That would be very convenient for you,
wouldn't it? Yes.
Your mother's doing all right. Everything is labelled.
Her career's going fabulously. Coming home at weekends.
It's not that simple, darling, you know, just weekends.
It's a bit more difficult than just come home weekends!
Huh?
I mean, you know, I need to find myself.
'Cause, sweetie,
I've been to paradise but I have never been to me.
Yeah.
I need to kind of, you know, see who's in there, who me be.
For God's sake, Mum,
every year for as long as I can remember,
you've gone in search of yourself.
You've done everything from wobble naked
round standing stones near Bristol
to circus skills in a tent on Clapham Common.
EDINA: It's all part of a journey.
SAFFY: You pulled tickets
and got hit in the face with a plank twice a day.
Well, my knees froze. I couldn't duck, you know.
There isn't a course that can help you find yourself.
There isn't a course in redemption.
You'd be better off giving all your money to charity.
Oh! Well, I already pay for old people to eat cake.
Just start living your life
and stop trying to find yourself fascinating!
I am fascinating!
You cannot become a better person through massage.
You piece of filth!
I mean, you feel like that, do you feel like that, huh?
You feel like that? Well, maybe I should just...
Yeah.
Maybe I should just go and live with people who understand me.
What? And sell the house?
Yeah, I might. Yeah, I will. Yeah.
Well, good luck, then.
I hope you do go away and find yourself.
And then do us all a favour and get lost!
-Sweetheart... -Oh, leave her, Eddy.
-You didn't really mean it. -No, I did. I did.
No, you didn't. This is great.
This is just like the old days.
Me and your lovely Bolly, me and your lovely ciggies,
me and your lovely home, me and your lovely life.
Yes, just like the old days, isn't it? It's great.
Well, maybe I just don't want that any more, you know?
Huh?
I mean, maybe I think... Maybe I... That me meant...
To be somebody somewhere, you know?
Yeah. I shall... I shall go away, yeah.
-Away? -Mmm-hmm.
And find it, darling.
-For how long? -Forever!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
You'll be all right, won't you, Pats? Huh?
EDINA: (IN DISTORTED VOICE) You'll be all right.
Pats. Pats.
You'll be all right.
Yeah. I'll be all right.
-I'll go to New York. -Yeah?
I don't need you, Eddy. You've always been just...
What?
-You know... -Yeah.
I'm going to be a bloody great success.
-Yeah, all right. -Yeah, all right!
Well, I'll see you, then, huh?
Don't count on it, babe.
Oh, God!