-I'll go to New York. -Yeah?
I don't need you, Eddy. You've always been just...
What?
-You know... -Yeah.
I'm gonna be a bloody great success.
-Yeah, all right. -Yeah, all right!
Well, I'll see you, then, huh?
Don't count on it, babe.
WOMAN ON TV: We're looking now at J10738,
the ladies' diamond-cut, rope-effect hoop earrings.
That's J10738.
Only £18.99.
(TAMBOURINE JINGLING)
(HUSHING) Hi, I'm Ben.
Throughout the week,
I'll be showing you courses of enlightenment
through pebble working, sand play,
mask-making and Cosmo Drama.
Sorry I'm late.
Just a bit of trouble with the form, you know.
The talking stick is not with you!
(SOFTLY) May I hold it?
I was just going to say,
that they tried to charge me the weekly rate, you see,
and as I'm going to be here forever
I thought I should get a discount, that's all.
(MOUTHS)
Shall we light up?
Let us start the "Om."
ALL: (CHANTING) Om...
And so we begin our quest to find our inner selves,
to delve into our inner consciousness.
We must look into the inner, inner soul.
(IN FOREIGN ACCENT) You must not have
a bad feeling for you.
You must eradicate all bad feelings and come together.
(BEN MUTTERS)
Ben is now channelling Maria Sanchez...
..a Puerto Rican Aztec slave girl.
(CONTINUES MUTTERING)
We are on a path together.
And we must dream together.
(IN REGULAR ACCENT) Okay, if, um...
(STUTTERS) If you take the women over one side,
the men come with me and we'll bond, okay?
You get two precious metals in one.
The silver, the metal of kings,
that famous precious metal, dipped in pure gold.
And we all know what that means.
-In a circle. -(BELLS JINGLING)
MEN: (CHANTING) Father!
Can I have the talking stick? Thank you.
I missed the beginning.
All the courses, where do they take place?
Sometimes, in the context of the spiritual space.
Stick! Stick!
Where is that? Where is that?
Here.
-And all the others? -You haven't got the stick.
Well, give me the stick! How much is it? I'll buy my own!
Give me the stick! Give me the stick!
I'm sorry, all the others, where do they take place?
In the realms of nature.
Stick. Where is that? Where is that? Realms of nature?
-In the garden! -In the garden!
(MEN CONTINUE CHANTING)
We shall now meditate...
You haven't got the stick, sorry.
I don't need the stick!
-Let us meditate. -(BELL DINGS)
-(MOUTHING) -BEN: Mind the antlers!
(ALL CHANTING)
WOMAN ON RADIO: This is WNZK
broadcasting to New York City.
A quick glance at the weather. It's in the low 80s...
So I said to her, "Listen, Ms Tan-in-a-Tube",
and we're talking orange, "Here's what's going on.
"You ain't clunking down my catwalk. No way, babe!
"Calvin Klein ain't paying you
"to squish your tush into his Femme Fatale minipants."
-Fat butt, huh? -(SCOFFS)
The planet Jupiter and its moons!
A galaxy of excess flubber!
-Well, hello, little killers. -WOMEN: Hi!
Did you see Naomi's hair?
-Adorable? -BOTH: Adorable!
SANTE: Well, Omar had a go-see at Vogue.
-No. -He was so nervous!
I said as he left the apartment,
"Baby doll, vitamin C and smile.
"You have a terrific book now."
But they didn't use him. They have no taste.
-Too commercial? -He's a movie star.
Oh, rejection can be so depressing!
Yeah! (CHUCKLES)
Hi, Patsy Stone.
Is your hair on purpose?
I'm Sante, accessories and shoes.
Candy, Models. This is Gina, Marketing.
So, what's new? What's happening?
- What's your direction? - Who do you want in it?
What do you want on their feet?
Well, I want to be pretty revolutionary.
I intend to dictate.
I want to take the fun back out of fashion.
You know, no more schoolgirls in techno fabrics,
-no plastics, no micro-mini! -Careful, honey!
No more cheap tart looks,
- no more Hollywood glamour... - Is she joking or what?
Breakfast at Tiffany's, Armani, Klein, Karan...
-(ALL LAUGHING) -What? Are you on drugs?
Honey, they need it to look like trash,
so their ten-page frigging ads
in greys and beiges looks like class.
They don't want your damn fashion pages.
And she's up to speed.
Darling, they are selling a frigging scent!
This is New York, honey, not some friggin' backwater.
We move with the dollar.
This ain't art and there's ain't no choice.
Here's what's going on. You keep it trashy
and I don't get ten tons of dickhead designer
marketing shit on my back. my dear? Comprehendo,
Oh, sweet!
-Where's Magda? -At a promo brunch for Honda.
-No... -Tell him it's got to be
a bigger model! I'm not driving around in any biscuit tin.
And I'm in a meeting, so no more calls.
Right. Sorry I'm late.
New York, Las Vegas, Beverly Hills,
San Francisco, Hono-bloody-lulu.
That's what I call a circulation. But we're selling
less than the population of No-Neck, Virginia
and that's why I'm here.
I want who's old, who's young about town,
who's wearing what.
Try to get into someone's house.
I want who's sexy, who's not sexy.
I want models who smoke.
Make it Marlboro Lights and put them in a pair of Nikes.
I don't like Cindy Crawford, but she sells,
and Julia Roberts makes me puke,
but that's enough about me.
-Santa? -Sante.
Everybody's crazy about wickerwork wallets.
Fendi and Todd Oldham have some out, so I'm thrilled.
-Oh. -Mags.
-Pats, what's the matter, girl? -I need a fag.
Hmm, outside.
-All right. Publisher? -His name's Mitchell Friedman.
Mitchell Friedman? Sounds rather me.
See you later, sweetheart.
-Oi, you! -Oh, yeah, well, this month,
things are "v. v. good."
Linda, Kate and Naomi are keeping the weight off,
but for the new girls, "Finger down the throat time!"
MAN: Mr Friedman's car is going to be here in a minute.
You stay here with him, okay?
Mr Friedman? Hello, I'm Patsy Stone.
Don't touch strangers!
Come on, put your hands down, tuck your elbows in!
-Do you know this person? -No, I...
Well, hi, hello there! How are you doing?
-It's me, Bo! -Yeah...
Bo?
-Patsy, isn't it? -Yeah.
Hi, hi, hi! (LAUGHS) I'm Mitchell's nurse,
been with him for about a week.
He's my kind of guy. Can't speak, only takes liquids,
and no messy potty time, what with his bags!
Gee, what are you doing in New York?
New York, the Big Apple.
Kind of off the beaten path, for you, isn't it?
Yeah... Um...
Mr Friedman... Mitchell.
I'm Patsy Stone. I'm the new Fashion Director
of your magazine, HQ.
I wonder if we could just have a quiet word together?
BO: Friedman?
The Friedman of Friedman, Weiss and Fernandez?
I mean, he owns the building!
What am I talking about? He owns half of New York!
Do you have enough oxygen there, honey?
Oh, and then there's the estate in Massachusetts.
Unless his wife got that after the third divorce.
-I'm just taking you off... -Oh, no, no, no!
No! Butt out, bitch! This guy's coming with me.
Come on, my darling!
Brace yourself, brace yourself, we're taking the kerb!
-(FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING) -(FINGER CYMBALS JINGLING)
Hello. (MIMICS JINGLING)
(SAFFY COUGHING)
(MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Excuse me, it's no smoking in here.
Yeah, yeah, all right, sure.
-You have to go outside. -Okay, fine! We're going.
-It's really inconsiderate! -Yeah!
She's asthmatic.
(COUGHS)
What? I only meant the smokers should leave,
I didn't mean everybody.
Anyone want a coffee?
Or something stronger, if you know what I mean?
Er... No! Not for me.
-I'm just happy sitting here. -Me, too.
WOMAN ON TV: Now this chain is nine-carat plated.
And it's a full...um...
18 inches long.
And if you do this,
you'll notice the full length of that gorgeous link chain.
And that's a sign of high quality.
See how it fits in a small shape in the palm of my hand.
Oh, mama! That outfit is fierce!
Oh, I love your chains, girlfriend.
(ALL CHATTERING)
We'll see you at Le Boy Bar later!
-(WHALE SONG ON TAPE) -I love old cheesecloth.
That's Nicole Farhi. Could you put...
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Hi.
Josh and Tim and I are going down the pub.
Well done!
(DOOR SHUTS)
So, this kind of smiling thing is...
What are you smiling for? Is it some cosmic joke
I've not been let in on? What is it?
I have found my inner self...
The great Shiva cow within,
my deep-rooted pagan woman
that lies in us all.
Not in me. I don't think she's there.
Yes, you will find her. Feel it!
Feel the great transmugerance.
The flow from my essential oils
- are passing into you. - Yes!
-They're flowing. -Yes.
-Can you feel them? -No, but I can smell them.
I honestly...
-My womb is flowing. -Yeah!
Can you feel it filling your empty hole?
Yeah.
-The pulsations! -Yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's just that I don't think
this is quite what I'm looking for.
I don't think I spent my whole youth burning my bra
so I could squat saggy-titted over a forest loo hole
waiting for the sun to come up while the men go off
a-hunting down the pub. I'm sorry.
Let me dance the Shiva healing dance.
Look, I just don't think that the sort of person
I wanna find in me, you know, is the kind of person
who likes making corn-bloody-buggery-dollies
by ceremony in the sacred part of your workshop.
Look - the Shri Bhagwan Risha's sandal.
Let us worship it.
For God's sake! Let me just kill the whales!
Have you ever smoked grass
-or that other stuff? -Hash?
-Yeah, that's it. -No.
Well, then. How can you know it's wrong?
I mean, I don't smoke it cos I tried it once
and I think I'm allergic, or...
Anyway, it didn't really do anything for me.
I didn't notice the difference.
I just think it makes people
- really boring. - Yeah.
I'm sure you think you're being really funny or clever,
but, actually, you're just being incredibly dull.
And who needs drugs to do that?
And also, when I say something
really devastatingly funny or clever,
I like to remember it the next day.
For heaven's sake! Your roach is too tight
and your paper's too loose.
Give it to me.
Pass me some card.
WOMAN ON TV: The Collector's
Thimble Collection with stand.
CH0326.
Now, I'm just getting a message here.
Would a Mrs Monsoon,
who phoned in a couple of hours ago,
and who I had such a lovely time talking to...
Would you replace the telephone, dear?
Because nobody else can get through.
# Ding dong the bells are gonna chime! #
I've just spent a long morning at his lawyer's office
and now we're going to be married.
I only need ten minutes alone with him.
- You've got five. - Done.
But you've got to do something for me first.
-You said he couldn't speak. -I throw my voice.
Do you, Mitchell Friedman,
take Bo Mo Chrysalis to be your lawfully wedded wife?
-(STUTTERS) Wife? -No!
Oh, out of my way, I'm a trained nurse!
Turn over!
Oh, God! Go ahead, he's all right.
-Do you, Mitchell Friedman... -You already did that part.
...to be your lawfully wedded wife?
(THROWS VOICE) I do.
-Hurry up! We're losing him. -All right.
By the power vested in me by the State of New York,
I pronounce you husband and wife!
(SHOUTING) Yes! (LAUGHS)
-You may now kiss the bride. -Not on your life!
Honey, he's all yours, but I wasn't getting a pulse!
Bo Chrysalis, you married the richest man in New York.
What are you going to do now?
I'm going to Disneyland!
(FLUTE PLAYING)
This sacred feather is for you.
Great.
# Someone to watch over me #
(HUMMING)
Grass... All different sorts of grass.
And little daisies, little daisies.
EDINA: No, that's her there.
There, there! I knew she would be there.
-Hello, darling! Pats! Pats! -My God!
Eddy? Yeah, babe!
-Come on! Stoli, babe! -Can I have a Stoli?
-I've got a bottle! -I've gone mod!
Come on, I'll meet you down there.
No, get me from here. I can't find the stairs.
Come on, Ed. You can land just here!
Come on, sweetie! Come on, sweetie! It's quite easy!
Can we land on that building?
We can't land on your roof!
Good to see you! Let's go home!
-Oh, cheers. -Cheers.
Well, it's, uh, quite like the old times, Ed.
Yeah, well it has only been three days, actually, Pats.
-Has it? -Yeah.
It felt like...
-Yeah? -Well, cheers.
Cheers.
Actually...
I didn't mean to drag you back
or anything like that, you know.
No, you didn't drag me back, no.
-Yeah, from New York. -Yeah! New York!
-Yeah... -Ugh...
Yeah.
All that fantastic shopping.
-Oh, yeah it was fantastic! -Yeah?
I was not taking them! I'm entitled to a discount!
I'm Patsy Stone!
Yeah, and all that...
That fabulous fun you must have been having.
-Oh, yeah. It was fabulous! -Yeah?
Yeah, it was fantastic.
Yeah. Actually, Pats,
there's something I meant to, you know...say on the plane,
but I was too drunk, obviously, and, uh...
It's just that, um...
Well, I was passing, I was just in New York, passing.
I didn't mean to drag you back or anything, that's all.
You didn't. I know, Eddy. I know you didn't drag me back,
I mean, actually I was just thinking of leaving anyway.
- Were you? - Because I, Eddy...
What?
- The job wasn't up to much. - Yeah.
-Yeah, anyway, cheers. -Yeah, cheers.
-Cheers. Thanks a lot. -Cheers. Yeah, you're welcome.
BOTH: Actually, it was...
-Hello, darling. -Mum.
I didn't expect to see you here.
Well, yeah, I... (MUMBLES)
Didn't expect to see you, either, darling.
Found yourself then?
Ta-da!
Yeah, it was, you know, it was fabulous, darling.
It was all I needed, really, was those few days, you know,
feeling part of something
with my sort of people, you know?
-(ALL CHANTING) -No! No! No!
I'm sorry, I can't breathe your second-hand air
like that. I'm sorry.
(MUTTERS)
Being with people I could relate to.
Are those eyes, are they? Are those your eyes?
Are they?
Gosh, you must be bored. I'm bored.
Anyway, how could I expect to find nirvana, darling?
They couldn't even find decent furniture!
Darling, if you want to talk bollocks
and discover the meaning of life, you're better off
downing a bottle of whisky. At least then you're unconscious
by the time you start to take yourself seriously.
-Mother Nature is no fool. -Mmm-hmm.
(SIGHS)
Hoover vacuum's broke.
Well, how did that happen?
(SIGHS) It fell out the window when I were doing the sills.
Look at this, darling!
I couldn't get out of her contract.
Luckily, it was non-specific.
That's what they said at the tribunal.
Yes, thank you for that!
-Oh, oh, the police phoned. -Oh, yeah?
They've released your mother.
-Oh, damn! -It's good, though, isn't it?
They haven't had a record out for years.
Anyway, sweetie, stop looking at me like that.
Darling, squatting is against the law.
She'd changed the locks and was using my credit card, darling.
She's lucky not to have been sent down.
(SNAPPING FINGERS)
Ashtray! Ashtray!
Go on, ashtray!
Thank you.
-JUNE: Yoo-hoo! -Oh!
How does she get in? How does she do that?
Oh, released, then?
Yes, dear. But I'm tagged.
Oh, right.
Don't sit here. Go sit over there. Go on, sit over there.
I've to report once a week
for a cup of tea with my social worker, Mandy.
And I gave her your number at university, dear,
just in case she wants to contact you...
if I go missing.
Darling, could you get the cheesy balls
in that cupboard behind you.
Why don't you get them yourself?
Because you're here.
Mum, I know to you my childhood
has been a convenient form of legalised slavery
but I'm over 18 now, do you understand?
Actually not the cheesy balls, the Japanese seaweed Twiglets.
Open them!
No.
This is not how it's going to be any more, Mum.
I'm not going to be here
just to put you to bed, to feed you,
stub out your joints, clear up the sick,
lie for you, disapprove of you...
And not just you, you as well, cesspit from hell!
Stinking bag of bones
that haunts this house every day like a mouldering cadaver,
leeching the lifeblood
out of everything it can get its filthy suckers onto!
I'm fed up being suckered! I will not take this any more!
This is not how it's going to be!
Morning, dears.
BOTH: Morning, Gran.
Is Tom up yet?
Well, I looked in on him, this morning
and he was still practically unconscious.
I think he was smoking last night.
Easy, Gran.
(SNIFFLES)
-Oh, no! -Oh, no!
-EDINA: Saff, darling! -Oh, dear.
Mum, you said they weren't going to be allowed
in our kitchen any more.
Put your brakes on.
What do you want?
We'll have breakfast with you this morning.
Patsy dropped the keys to our place in Soho last night.
I can have anything but dried toast.
I can't manage that with my teeth now.
Use Patsy's.
Where's that doggie that sticks its nose up your crotch?
-He's out! -Pity.
Here, darling, have the packet. Have the packet.
(TUTS)
-Want some of these? -No-one's taking them any more.
I like him.
You can't be here today. Use your own place.
- What? - Victoria, can you get me
- the spare keys, please? - What?
They can't be here when Dad comes,
- he'll just leave again, Mum. - I know.
-Is that bastard coming back? Good, I might hang around.
It's the only blood sport they haven't banned.
-No! -What?
Did I leave a bottle of voddy here?
-No. -Can I have one?
Careful, you don't want another overflow situation.
Check your colostomy bag.
We virtually had to skid our way
out of the Rumba Go Go Club last night. Ha!
Torvill and Dean!
I'll be the judge of that!
Here you are. Now, go!
PATSY: What?
The jailer has brought our keys.
-What? What? -We've got to go, darling, go!
See you later.
-Are you still with us? -Yes, dear.
Mum, I'll do the house.
Why don't you go to the hairdresser's
- before Dad arrives? - No, it's all right.
Oh, dear, forgotten my specs.
Won't be long.
-Not dead yet? -No, God, not dead yet.
Which of these is it?
Still, not a bad life, not a bad life, darling.
No, not a bad life.
(BEE BUZZING)
(GAGGING)
Hmm.
(EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE)