(MUTTERING) Child, child, child.
Darling, darling, can you help me here?
-What? -Help Mama, sweetheart.
I want to change position.
I've got my foot wedged up my lower chakra.
Oooh! Still, never mind.
Couple of weeks, I'll be bending like Madonna,
won't I, darling, hmm?
I'll be able to kiss my own arse from both directions.
Ooh, look at this one, sweetheart.
Look at this one, darling, look. Corpse, corpse.
In my dreams.
Om... Omomom...
You're not supposed to inhale your 'oms'.
Darling, I can inhale me 'oms' if I want to inhale me 'oms'.
I can pull them in one end and push them out wherever I want.
Darling, did you know that yogis
can breathe through any orifice?
They can be buried for 40 years, darling,
just breathing through a straw sticking out of their pundada.
This kitchen is filthy!
What did you do to it last night?
Stop clearing it up, darling!
I'm trying to 'Jamie Oliver' it up a bit, you know.
I had me mates around,
burnt pork chops, fresh herbs, fresh herbs.
Going down the dogs, come on, darling.
Will you stop that!
Look, I've got a meeting here this morning.
You are going to work today, aren't you?
Yeah, well someone's got to, haven't they?
In fact, darling, will you check on my webcam
and see if Bubble's in the office yet?
Do it yourself. My hand's still bad.
-Your hands! -I don't know what it is,
I think I might have trapped a nerve or something.
This is my new website, darling.
I've diversified, I'm a multi-tasker.
It's the new thing. You know, fashion, PR, design.
I've got a TV production company,
I've got my fingers in lots of pies.
Darling, Eddy Pie Hands!
You haven't produced anything!
No, but I'm a brand, I've been branded.
Like some old heifer at the O.K. Corral.
Anyone can shove an antenna up their bum
and call themselves a channel nowadays!
Oh, look. Look at that.
What's she doing? What is she doing?
It's ridiculous.
I paid thousands of pounds to have that thing updated.
What am I paying Damon for?
Mum, will you please just go?
(GRUNTING) All right, sweetheart.
I've just got to call my life coach, darling.
Got to get my daily aim. Gotta have a daily aim, sweetheart.
You should try it.
I've got my two life aims, you know.
Yoga, which is one, you are witness.
What's the second one?
To have Christmas with Sting and Trudie Styler.
Hello? Juliette, dear...
Have a great idea and write a pop song. Thank you, darling!
There you are.
Gotta have a great idea today and write a pop song.
Can't be hard, can it?
# # Hey, baby...
Not here!
You're not doing it here, I've got a meeting here!
Oh, you've got a meeting.
Not another of your committees, is it, darling?
Your voluntary, unpaid committees?
What have you done since the body zone, nothing!
Slave labour for New Labour, that's what you are.
I am getting a job. That's what the meeting's about!
-Paid? -Yes.
Good. Cos frankly darling,
I don't mind subsidising some fat old couch potato
who just wants to sit around reading magazines
and watching telly all day.
Frankly, in the business I'm in,
we need that kind of person.
But when somebody
deliberately over-educates themselves
out of the possibility of useful employment,
I take issue.
You can tell that to your new, improved sparkly Labes.
If I get the job, I'm out of here.
-That's my life aim. -Oh, good.
Oh, good. Oh, Christ.
Oh God, I thought we left her in the last millennium.
Is there no justice?
Another sponger.
Oh, what a night I've had! I've taken up guacamole.
Guacamole, dear. It's very sexy.
You mean salsa, Gran.
She knows that! She knows!
I thought that was a dip.
She knows it's salsa! Salsa!
Don't react, she's just doing it to annoy you.
I know that, darling.
Got enough years under the belt to know that.
Oh you're calling that 'years' now, are you dear?
I thought you were preparing for a hard winter.
Stop her, Saff. Saff! Saff!
They used to predict the weather by you, you know.
(MUTTERING) Help, Saffy.
"She's designed for hibernating,"
the neighbours used to say.
-Stock up with coal... -Stop it!
if you can't see her nose by October.
(EDINA HUMS LOUDLY)
Oh, I know I shouldn't laugh, but really...
Oh! What's this?
Be careful, Gran.
Be careful, this is a new kitchen!
There is a vegetable place and a meat place,
only bleed on the meat place.
I don't want my new paintwork
splattered with your liver spots like . 101 Dalmatians
You used to have one of these when you were a girl.
Yeah, but I was never allowed on it.
No, you were too big for it. You wobbled.
The scooter wobbled!
If you say so.
I have perfect balance, sweetheart, look.
Wheels don't buckle on their own.
See that?
Now you know why I have to take it out
on you, darling, don't you?
Cycle of abuse, isn't it?
-What job are you getting, darling? What job is it?
It's a government initiative...
Ugh! Government! Ugh!
-for the promotion... -Oh, the promo...
Of British arts and culture abroad.
(SNIDE MUTTERING)
British arts and culture, is it? British?
What is that? The new PC, flagless, sexless, OK,
anodyne, milky-white British
New Labour brand, is it, darling?
What are you doing?
I've come to pick up my E's.
I'm a silver surfer.
Well, not on my waves, you ain't. Get off!
And then I thought I might do a bit of shopping.
Oh, god. No wonder all the dot coms are going under.
Look at this!
It's mainly oldies who shop on the web.
(HISSING) Yes. Virtual shopping for those with
no grip on reality, that's what it is.
Now what is my e-mail address?
Oldwoman@riskofbeingstrangled byowndaughter.com,
I should imagine.
Eddy! Eddy! Prepare yourself.
Pats. Pats. Pats. Pats.
Goody.
What's happened to your face?
Darling, I told you. (MAKES SPURTING SOUND)
God, that's fabulous, darling.
Yeah, I did it last night. Yeah.
Doesn't it normally take a couple of days to kick in?
No, darling, I've told you, this is the business.
I got it direct from my little friend at the lab.
What's happened to your face?
Darling, darling, she's just had a little bit of the Botox.
No, it's not Botox, it's Parralox.
You look like a zombie!
EDINA: She still has emotions, you know!
She doesn't have to pay for them in wrinkles, that's all.
I'm happy about that, can you tell?
-No. -Money well spent, Eddy.
-Money well spent.
Sweetheart, did you test it? How did you test it?
Have you seen her hand?
I mean, do you know what that stuff is?
Darling, it's very natural. It's just...
fresh from the jaws of an anaconda, isn't it, Pats?
It's a chemical weapon, they make it at Porton Down!
It's developed for use in Iraq!
Well, why shouldn't we share our beauty secrets, darling?
If it's good enough for Saddam,
-it's good enough for us. -Yeah!
I mean, who wouldn't risk a mild dose of Gulf War Syndrome
for a wrinkle-free hand?
For a wrinkle-free forehead, sweetheart,
for a wrinkle-free forehead.
You look like a haggis with pointed toes.
A tight old bladder skin
holding together some rotting old offal!
Your father was always rather partial to a bit of that.
Is this your idea of cheating death, by embalming early?
"Self-entombment, available at a cosmetic surgery near you."
Well, have you finished? Right.
We don't have to go to a surgery, do we, darling?
No, it's only a needle, Eds. You don't need an O-Level
to operate a syringe.
There'd be a social revolution if you did, wouldn't there?
-Yeah. -Let me get dressed.
Hi! I'm Katy Grin and these are carpets!
Come down now to Carpet Madness!
It's carpets! It's madness!
Carpet madness at Carpet Madness, now!
Just carpets! It's madness, madness, now!
Sale starts Friday.
Darling, did you know that Katy Grin is Bubble's cousin?
-Who? -Katy Grin, darling,
I've told you, my new TV partner.
Mum. Come here.
Don't get your face paralysed. Promise me.
Yeah, I promise, darling, yes.
-Not that I care. -Understood.
We'll need to stop on the way, Eddy,
to pick up a couple of syringes.
No, darling, I don't think so.
Clean ones, Eddy. New ones.
Oh, Eddy, Eddy...
What, darling, do you want the toilet?
-Do you want to go back in? -No, no... Where's the car?
Chris, is this for me?
Where's the...? Did Bubble order this?
I'll call Bubble. Sending us a little munchkin car!
Are you coming as well, Chris?
You'll have to get in the back, Pats. Get in the back.
EDINA: Ow, ow, ow!
Don't put your leg there.
I'm going to call Bubble. This is ridiculous!
You almost got my eye out with your stiletto!
Just keep your legs in the back.
(CAR STARTS)
EDINA: I'll text Bubble. This is bloody ridiculous.
-PATSY: I've got it now, Eddy. -EDINA: Half car!
PATSY: I'm in the back. I'm quite supple.
EDINA: # Hey, baby
# I'm just driving down the road
# Lookin'... Ugh.
# Driving down the road, looking at the things
# Looking at the people on the side of the road...
# Lookin' at the handle on the door... #
-Not really very catchy, is it? -No, it's not.
(EDINA EXCLAIMING)
Your empire awaits. Ha ha!
What has happened to my car?
I was driven here today in a Liquorice Allsort.
Oh, Eddy, I think I've got deep vein thrombosis.
We were pointed at all the way by fingers.
But it's your promotion.
The Air Aware Week.
"Clean up the atmos!"
And that's your promotion.
Hmm. Well, where is everybody?
They're waiting for you, in the TV meeting.
-Oh. -The drain-storm.
-You don't have to do that. -I don't have to do that.
Mmm. What is that?
Charity, charity, charity.
Every abnormal skin cell now has its own premiere.
Look at this.
Sponsored celebrity fun run for anyone who can't form a scab.
Oh, and meeting with Twiggly.
Oh, and you're on Richard tomorrow morning. and... Dudey
-Richard and Judy? -Mmm.
To push the Radical Gay Pride.
EDINA: (MUTTERING) Richard and Judy?
Fist Across America!
Richard and Judy?
I know them.
We stayed friendly. I should be doing that.
Well, they wanted me.
-But it's a TV thing. -It's a PR thing!
-You on TV, Eds! -Yes, darling.
Eddy Pie Hands! Eddy Pie Hands!
-Darling, I think... -No.
Now, get these off to the nanny, will you?
And tell her that if he doesn't stop crying,
she can take him to the doctor.
How can a baby cry like that?
Is that a cigarette?
And booze?
(LAUGHS) Oh, come on, partner, let's get some TV on the road.
Come on! Put it out!
-I won't be long, darling. -I hate smoking.
Five minutes, I'll be back.
Well, this is very nice.
Yes, it's my mother's.
I'm just here until I can afford to leave.
Wanting to, um, shake off the shackles of privilege?
But no, um... It's okay now, you're allowed to be rich.
In fact, I think we encourage it.
Well, I'm not a champagne socialist.
Bolly Bolsheviks!
I don't even drink.
Gran, I think you should go.
That's my Gran, it's not my mother.
She doesn't live here. She's not dependent.
Great to see a, um...
-Older person? -Yes!
Yes, couldn't think of how we say it now.
Yes, an older person
using all the new-fangled technology.
Mmm.
Well, I think I'll leave that now, dear.
After a while it does get a bit boring.
Oh, I know.
And once you're stuck in a porn cycle,
you can be there for days.
Go now, Gran, go home.
JUNE: Good luck, dear. He's very nice.
-Is she here? -She'll be out in a minute.
Am I blinking?
-Botox? -No, Parralox.
Well, does exactly what it says on the tin.
And put more things in production.
Put them on the website.
Like a quiz for Twiggy. Things for Twiggy.
Quiz for Twiggy. Twigs for Quiggy.
Twiggy, hello, darling.
This is what I've come to see you about.
Since I took you on, nothing has happened.
You promised me TV vehicles,
but all I've had so far are black and white cabs
at my door, day and night!
-It's Bubble. -(CLIP-CLOPPING)
(BUBBLE WHINNYING)
-A quiz, yeah? -Yeah.
Yeah, I quite like that. What else?
Come on, you've had months!
Look, darling, I thought maybe
just a change of tack here, change of image, you know?
Radical Gay Pride. Fists Across America, darling.
Cos you are a gay icon.
-Oh. Am I? -Yeah.
-Damon! Damon! -Coming!
Twiggy!
Anyways, Richard and Judy darling,
tomorrow morning with me.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, they wanted Kylie.
I said, "No, Twiggy. She's got class".
Mmm. Yeah, I have.
She doesn't have to resort to wearing microshorts
wedged up her chocolate starfish
to get on telly, does she?
No.
Free car.
All right, I'll do it.
But look, I know Richard and Judy,
so let me do the talking, and you just sit there.
-All right. I'll get the details to your people.
-Okay. -See you down
-at the Gate Bar later. -Oh, all right.
Twiggy! How are you, darling?
-Sorry? -Katy.
We did the lottery show together.
You released the balls...
Twiggy, Twiggy, put our name on the door
at the Gate Bar. Put our name on the door.
Do a bit of shopping, go home and change, go to the Gate Bar.
That's great.
That stuff's kicking in, looking good, darling.
Oh, great, great, Eddy, thank you.
(INHALES AND EXHALES)
Do you think you're going to take that job?
Well, if it's offered, yes.
Which I think it will be.
He said it's unusual to find someone
with all the qualifications and no home commitments.
I think he liked you, if you know what I mean.
I don't think so.
Oh, yes. He fancied you.
No, I don't think so.
I've touched a nerve!
Saffy's got a boyfriend! Saffy's got a boyfriend!
You're going red.
Do you want to kiss him?
Do you want to sex him?
Sorry.
-Twiggy's got our name down!
Twiggy's put my name on the guest list!
Twiggy! They said they would put my name on the guest...
How do I know I'm not on the guest list
if he won't show me the guest list?
Look, who do you have to be to get a drink around here?
Excuse me.
Hi, Paul.
Victoria! Vic...
I know... I know her mother!
Oh, we'll go round the back.
Go round the back to the toilets.
Candy will let us in.
PATSY: Candy Bender?
She says she'll be in the right-hand cubicle, Patsy.
Should be here.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -All right, on one condition.
You have to take Fisty when I go to Barbados, do you hear me?
-Goodbye, Minge. -Thank you.
Have you got my stuff?
Yeah. Stuff for Candy, here you are.
Don't know what happened to our membership card,
must be lost in the post or something.
Vomit on the left, Pats, vomit on the left.
Who were you talking to there?
My school friend, Minge.
-Oh, Minge! -Do you know what
-she wants me to do? -What?
-She wants me to invite Vic Hervey
to her 21st bash.
As if I'm not enough.
I mean, I'm an "it-girl", aren't I?
Well, what's the criteria?
You have to be an "it".
Oh, yeah.
There we go. Come on, Pats.
You look handsome.
(POUNDING CLUB MUSIC)
Twiggy! Darling, I'm just going to get a drink, all right?
Are you going to the Black and White Ball
at the In and Out Club for Minge's 21st?
-What? -The Black and White Ball.
-Where is it? -The In and Out Club.
-Who? -Minge!
-I don't think so. -Bitch!
Twiggy!
Twigs! You didn't put our name on the door!
Oh, sorry, I forgot.
Ah!
Where are you going? No, stay, stay, sit, stay.
Look, it's really late. I think I'm gonna go home.
-What? -I'll see you tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? What? -Richard and Judy.
Oh, I'm doing Richard and Judy!
-Will you be all right? -Yeah, I'll be fine.
-Will she? -Yeah, yeah. Great, yeah.
Sparkle!
(RECORD SCRATCHING)
-Eds, I can't open my... -Oh, darling.
Touch of a nap.
It's just a little...
Very good. This is very good!
That's better.
So, a job in the arts.
Does your mother know you write plays and things?
No, not really. She wouldn't be interested.
And you are to say nothing!
I don't speak to her.
Not since she gave me that chemical peel.
-Well, not so much chemical... -No.
-And not so much peel. -Uh-uh.
She set fire to your pigtails.
It's a good job I'm thick-skinned...
Except for this shoulder now.
Was your therapist any good?
Oh, yes, really nice.
It was actually quite helpful. You should go.
No, never!
I don't need any help! I can sort myself out!
You've got to get out of here!
(LOUD DANCE MUSIC)
(RECORD SCREECHES TO A HALT)
I love it here. I love you, actually.
I do, actually. I think you're fantastic.
Hey, Michael, Michael, give me a kiss.
-No, get off! -A little kiss, Michael.
Security!
(BOTH) # Hey...#
I was gonna give this one to J-Lo.
But this could be for you,
this could really do something for you.
Yeah. I could...
(BOTH) # Ooh, baby...
So not "hey," but "ooh," now?
-# I'm lookin'... -# Ooh... #
(MUDDLED DRUNKEN SINGING)
Security!
(THUMPING MUSIC)
So I thought we could...
Attica and Chinawhite?
Cabaret!
I've got you, Eddy, don't worry.
Don't go that way or we'll see those bouncers.
# Attica... Attica...#
That's where that vomit... Oh!
No, Eddy, Eddy...
Oh, I'm all right, all right.
Oh, God, honestly, darling.
I mean, that club, darling, it's just... Full of people.
Just cause they're on TV, darling,
they don't have to go back out through the vomit.
Yeah, they're famous people, yeah.
Yeah. You're on TV tomorrow, Ed.
(MUTTERING) TV tomorrow.
Yeah, get your face out there.
I could do that, couldn't I, darling?
Let Twiggy do the talking? I could do that.
I mean, I could get my own style challenge show,
couldn't I, darling?
It'd be perfect. You've always been style-challenged.
You wanna watch TV though, Eddy, it puts on two stone,
every wrinkle turns into a Grand Canyon.
Eddy, I think...
No, darling, I think.
Eddy, I think.
(SIGHS)
I'm going to be a star.
Just give me five minutes, then, Eddy, will you?
Oh!
(CRUNCHING SOUND)
Get a drink, sweetheart.
See you in five, then, Ed.
Mum, come here. I want to look at you.
Had a great day, darling.
Life aims, daily aims, all complete, you know.
Come here!
Oh.
What, this? This?
(MUMBLING)
God, always the little policeman, aren't you, darling?
Yes, well, not for long.
My job interview went very well, by the way.
So get used to the fact that I'm not going to be here.
Oh, good.
Cos actually, darling, I was thinking, actually,
if I'm going to be a celebrity, it would look pretty sad
to have some sort of big daughter
still at home, wouldn't it?
Unless you've got M.E.
This is quite good, really.
We need a break, don't we, darling?
We need a clean break, you and I.
Just remember to empty all your ashtrays.
Don't sit on your feet any more.
No, I won't, darling, I won't.
And I'll set up a food delivery service
for you on the internet.
Yum, yum!
(SIGHS)
I'm going to bed.
You're not going to be here tomorrow, are you?
Oh, no, darling, no tomorrow, no, no,
I'm fisting it on Richard tomorrow, darling. and Judy
Yeah, tomorrow I begin the harpoon ride
of my career, sweetheart.
-PATSY: Eddy! -Oh!
Ready?
It's not going to hurt.
-I'll go to sleep in a minute. -All right, darling?
-Yeah. -Little jab.
-Did you feel it? -No, nothing, nothing.
Oh, that's the pillow.
It's just going in now.
-Ooh... -It's all right, darling.
It's all right, darling.
I'm going to concentrate on the nose and the lips.
That's really where we want to see it.
-All right, darling. -(EDINA WHINES)
That's good, darling.
I think I'll put a little bit round here,
cause that's where...
All right, darling.
Oh, that's good, darling.
And up here. That'll stun out those lines, darling.
(EDINA MOANS)
And, er...
Oh, it seems to have gone.
I'll mix up some more, Eddy.
I'll mix up some stronger, darling.
I'll make it stronger round here.
-Yeah. -Stronger round here.
-Well... -Oh, please.
Look, I can go at the drop of a hat.
In fact, I can go before the drop of a hat.
-I could go now. Please! -Well...
The job is yours.
Oh, I knew it! Brilliant! Oh, thank you! Thank you!
Thanks! Ohh! (GIGGLING)
This whole initiative is really close to Tony's heart.
Yes.
Actually, er... Tone said he'd love
for you to come and have dinner
with him and Cherie at The Ivy one night.
-If you can make it. -Oh! Yeah.
Mmm-nnn.
(GURGLING SOUND)
-Cherry is my... -Sorry, it's Che-rie.
-Oh, yes. -Sorry.
She's my role model.
(MUMBLING)
LABOUR PARTY MAN: Your mom?
SAFFY: Yeah, um...
My God, this woman needs help!
No!
(DISTORTED) Saffy, help Mummy. Help Mummy!
You don't understand, she's not normally like this.
I think she wants you to help her.
No, she doesn't, there's nothing the matter with her!
I mean, but she's a... She's a... You know?
Oh, Christ, what do we call people like this?
-Um, uh... -She's not!
She's just doing it for attention!
I'm very sorry. No, I'm sorry. I really am sorry.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit her. I just... Please!
(DISTORTED) Help Mummy, please.
-Stop it! -Help Mummy...
Stop it!
(MUMBLING)
You can stop it now, he's gone!
(DISTORTED) It was Patsy's injection!
Told you that stuff was dangerous.
She shouldn't have gone to sleep. It sunk.
(DISTORTED) Richard and Judy.
She loves those bracelets. She's looking at the diamonds.
Are you looking at my diamonds? Oh, you've got taste.
You've got lovely little socks, haven't you?
RICHARD: Anyway, come on, we've got an interview to do.
Well, let's bring Twiggy in here.
Oh, look, she likes you too, Judy!
-I'd love to... -Yes, you hold her!
KATY: All right, Mimi.
Haven't you two done well!
-RICHARD: Well, you know... -How do you keep it up?
You don't know, do you Twiggy?
You look brilliant!
(MUMBLES ANGRILY)
Oh, don't start that.
(MUMBLES)
Sit up!
Shut up!