(VOCALISING)
Whoa, Eds! Photo shoot in Paris has a ring to it, babe!
Well, Bubble, look, just try them again!
Ohh! To have their photograph taken with me
for a generation thing for the magazine!
Try the... All right, here's my list.
Liv Tyler, Kate Beckinsale...
All right, Emma Bunton.
Yes, try Emma Bunton. Try Emma...
What magazine is it, darling?
It's or Harper's Tatler or something like that.
Darling, the wonderful thing is it's not my magazine.
I have no responsibility.
I'm just going to be a model, modelling.
Who's in charge of it, sweetheart? Who's in charge?
Candy. Candy Bender.
Candy Bender. Candy de Denison-Bender. Try her.
Oh! Oh, try Chloe Sevigny.
She might want to be my daughter. Try Chloe Sevigny.
No, it's for Paris, tomorrow.
To... What do you mean?
Today? Darling, it's today!
Shit, it's too late! It's too late! Forget it!
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!
Oh, darling, who was that?
That was Kate Beckinsale, Chloe Sevigny,
Thora Birch and Emma Bunton.
You know what this means, don't you, darling?
No, what's that, darling?
Saffy is going to have to be my daughter.
Oh, never mind, Eddy. Now, look, Eddy, hurry up.
Erin said she's going to meet us at the Eurostar. Erin.
Little Erin. Come on, Eddy, hurry up!
Gloves, scarves, shoes.
Oh, a model's life! (GIGGLING)
Ciao!
Professionalism, punctuality and...
More lips, more, more face, more nose, more sharper cheeks.
Darling. Pats. Pats. Pats.
-Yeah? -For Saff. For Saff.
Yeah? Fabulous! Fabulous. Fabulous. Fabulous.
(WHISPERING) You're fabulous.
(FIDDLING THE LOCK)
(WHISPERING) Saff.
Saff. Saff. Saff darling.
-(GASPING) -Oh!
It's only me, darling. It's only me. It's all right.
It's not all right, it's you! What do you want?
It's time to get up. Come on. Come on.
Oh, we're going to Paris, darling.
You promised, you promised you'd do this for me, darling.
Come on, darling.
I thought you said you'd get someone else to do it.
You know, I've tried Liv Tyler and Kate Beckinsale, yeah.
Joke!
I know it's not!
Oh, don't go limp again. Come on, darling.
Get up, get up, get up. Day in Paris.
It won't take long. You can look at things.
Come on, sweetheart. Come on, darling.
You are my daughter, sad, but true. Come on.
-We will be back by tonight? -Yes, yes, just one day.
Come here, sweetheart. Look, look, darling.
Mama's left some clothes here for you.
Look, darling. All right?
That'll be lovely on you. Look at that, sweetheart, hmm?
Don't worry about all this.
They'll sort all this out when we get there, okay?
Well, get dressed. Sweetheart, sweetheart.
I'm your mother, I have seen your tits before.
No, you haven't!
Oh!
We've all got 'em, darling.
Come on, quick, quick, quick! Speed, speed.
Darling, is this gonna be just an article
or the whole edition?
No, Candy says it's going to be the whole edition.
Generation Flex.
I wouldn't worry too much about your bit, darling.
It'll just be a little sort of insert. The fashion,
that's me and Erin, that'll be the spreads, the cover.
Oh, Eddy, modelling again!
Me modelling, going on a photo shoot!
It's just like the old times, babe.
Are you sure we need all this stuff, darling?
It's only a day, you know.
Darling, as a model you have to be prepared.
You have to be prepared for anything!
Good nails, good teeth, good hair.
And a look that says to the photographer,
"There's nothing I won't do to make your life easier."
PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah, that's lovely, darling. That's lovely.
That's gorgeous, love. That's gorgeous. Beautiful.
-Say, "Thursday". -Thursday.
Yeah, that's lovely, darling. Say, "Thursday", again.
Thursday.
More movement, love. More movement.
Thursday.
Thurs...
Why is she coming?
Well, she's doing the fashion thing, darling.
The spread with Erin O'Connor, you know, "The face of now".
You know, same as us, young and old.
Oh, you're not old, Eddy.
(LAUGHING)
Did you hear that?
What are you wearing?
Look at this!
Look at that shirt, it's trying to strangle you.
Why does everything you wear
look like it's bearing a grudge, darling?
Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
You've got a wardrobe full of little murderers.
Look at them! Look at them!
Who else is doing our article?
Oh, well, Jerry Hall's got Lizzie Jagger, darling.
Goldie Hawn's got Kate Hudson.
-Ivana's got Ivanka. -Inevitably.
And I've got little Erin O'Connor.
-Little Erin. -It all sounds very sad.
Well, it's not sad, actually, darling.
It's all about this great idea, you know.
If you can be interesting at 20,
you can be interesting at 30, 40, 50, 60...
Eddy, I'm 42!
Well, I hope I'll be more interesting.
Well, hallelujah! Don't we all, darling?
Anyway, sweetheart, once a party girl,
always a party girl.
If you can still get a straw up your nose.
The world is your toilet seat!
-(DOORBELL RINGING) -Exactly. Oh! (GASPS)
Candy. Candy, that's Candy Bender, darling!
EDINA: (STAMMERING) She's the fashion...
-Deputy... Sub... -Assistant...
-With the magazine, anyway. -(DOORBELL RINGING)
Go and answer the door, darling!
Tell him we're meeting Erin at the station!
-EDINA: Erin. -Oh, Erin! Sweet little thing.
You know, she just worships me.
She just thinks I'm rather cool.
I think I'm a bit of a role model here, Eddy!
(SOFTLY) Shut up. Shut up about Erin.
Now, where are my G-string panty pads?
Ooh!
What are you doing?
Well, I'm not dressed like this
to stay here and eat whelks, am I?
Hello, darling. Could you get rid of that for me?
I think I got it all. A little present from Fisty.
Come on, darlings, we're going to be late!
All right. We're coming, coming. Morning!
Candy, Erin's meeting us at the station. Darling,
who's the photographer, Lichfield, Bailey, O'Neill?
-Rimmer. -Rimmer?
-Dazed & Confused. -Like Patsy.
Oh. Rimmer! Rimmer! Rimmer! I love Rimmer!
And, darling, what's the mood?
Sort of Yves St Laurent...
-Oh, I love Yves St Laurent! -...trailer trash...
I don't know. I thought I'd sort it out when we got there.
You! You! What are you doing here, you silly tit?
-Dressed like a tit! -Tit! Tit!
You're not coming, you haven't got a passport,
you haven't got a ticket.
You have to be chipped. You have to be chipped.
-Chip! Chip! -She's talking to you.
Actually, has your dog been chipped?
-What? -Well, they won't let it in
if it hasn't been rabies vaccinated.
-Are you absolutely sure? -It's the law.
A dog needs its own passport now.
Erin! Erin! Oh, no. We're meeting her at the station!
I must ring Minge. Get her to look after Fisty.
BUBBLE: Chickens lickin'! Chicken lickin'!
Undo your top button! Your top button!
I'm not asking you to get your tatters out.
Just undo your top button.
Oh! Money, tickets, passport!
Bring those, eh? Bring those, Dave. Put those there.
-Oh, Erin! Erin! Erin! -Patsy.
-Bit bloody early, isn't it? -Early, darling?
In my day, this was early. In my day, this was yesterday!
Yes. But you know Rimmer?
Yes, Rimmer, Rimmer. I love Rimmer! Rimmer!
-Do you know Candy? -No.
Lady Candida de Denison-Bender.
Candy de Den-Bender. Candy Bender.
I'm afraid I don't.
-ERIN: Shall we? -PATSY: Yes.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, just us. Just us.
Erin! Erin.
Bitch, Minge.
Minge won't take Fisty. You'll have to go without me.
Well, just tie him up here
and we'll pick him up on the way back.
No, don't. I know how that feels.
Look, Rimmer knows what he's doing. You'll be fine.
That's a nice little bag. I've got a little bag, too.
EDINA: Bye, darling.
Shame she couldn't come with us.
-What's this? What's this? -It's a guide book.
No! You are not bringing that with you! No!
You said the photo will only take an hour.
-I want to see Paris! -Put that away!
Put that book down, will you? Put that book...
-Yeah, she's a friend of mine. -Is she?
-She's a friend of mine, too. -Oh, right.
Rimmer, did you do Jerry Hall and Lizzie Jagger?
What did they do? Were they outrageous, darling?
They were great. They were really up for it.
They had a real kind of
machismo bitch thing happening, yeah?
Put the passport down.
You don't have to have the passport now.
No one wants to see that any more.
-Can I see your photograph? -Oh, no, it's really awful.
No, come on. I'll give you mine.
-It's Rosa Klebb. -Let's see.
Yours can't be bad.
-Oh! -Pretty, isn't she? Pretty.
ERIN: God, you're so much younger than I am.
It's living with my mother, makes me look old.
PATSY: Look at mine. ERIN: I love that angle.
Look at mine. See mine.
My face doesn't normally look like this.
It's too close to the camera.
PATSY: It's a good photo, isn't it?
I think the photographer really caught something.
Syphilis.
Stop it! Will you stop it? Will you just grow up?
Who's Rosa Klebb?
Why does no one ever mean anything to you?
Rosa Klebb was the ugliest woman...
The second ugliest woman in the world. She was in that Bond...
Who was the Bond in that Bond?
There's only one Bond, darling.
Erin, there's only one Bond. Sean. Sean was the Bond.
Sean...
Right, I think that was before I was born.
That's lovely. That's lovely.
-(SOFTLY) Pats. -Yeah?
We're still in the tunnel.
Where are we going?
Here!
-Cafe de Flore. -Yes.
Come on, little man.
-SAFFY: No! -EDINA: Put it on for fun.
I am not your accessory!
To get rid of her death pallor.
I'll do it myself!
What is wrong with this? You don't understand.
Rimmer! Rimmer! Tell her.
Look, no, no! I shall do it myself.
I've got everything with me.
I've got shoes, bags, scarves, gloves.
-Patsy. -Yes, darling?
I think they just really want a clean look.
Clean? Darling!
I know what clean means, darling. I'm in the business.
Clean means... Well, it means nothing.
It means you look like nothing!
You look like a little smudge, a little piece of dirt.
It's because some talentless misogynist
wants you to just look like a piece of shit!
No, no, no, I... (HISSES)
I mean, Rimmer, why can't you do us first?
'Cause we're ready. We're ready to go. Well, I know.
It doesn't get much better than this, I'm afraid.
-Get off me! -Fine.
Darling, doesn't it make you sick sometimes,
doesn't it make you sick to have to be made to look
as though you've just been dragged out of the gutter,
or as if you've been shooting up in some toilet in some
soiled Agent Provocateur with a ripped T-shirt?
Oh, Erin! No! No! Not you!
Not you, Erin! No, darling, not you, no, no.
I was... No, actually I was just thinking back
to when we were models.
We had a sort of responsibility for being glamorous.
We were goddesses! Me and Shrimpton and Twiggy
and Peggy Moffitt and Verushka and Annegret.
-And Lauren Hutton, you know. -(MOUTHING)
That was New York, Paris and Rome...
I've got to do the models first. It's a mindset thing.
-What models? -It's not just those two.
Foale and Tuffin, mink hems and patchwork panne velvet.
I don't think it was quite like that.
Annegret!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Come on, Patsy. What...
Pull yourself together!
Annegret, what's the matter with her?
I don't know. I really don't know.
Look, I only employed her
because she said she was a friend of yours.
But I hardly know her.
What on earth are you doing here?
We're doing this generation thing.
"We"?
It's only moisturiser.
It's not makeup as such.
Oh, Erin darling, you look gorgeous!
I hope he lets me keep this top on,
it's gonna be freezing out there.
And, uh, what'll I be wearing?
No! Eddy!
-You'll be all right, darling. -No, Eddy...
Darling, I'll send up some champagne.
We're going out for a cup of coffee.
Oh, no! No! Oh! (GASPING)
(SHOUTING) No!
Let's have, er, doo croissants
-and doo cafes. -Deux cafes, deux croissants.
-That's so embarrassing! -It's not embarrassing.
Not as embarrassing as you sitting there
reading that, looking like some tourist, darling.
You see everything but yourself.
You always have the best view in the room
'cause you're not looking at you!
Put that away! Put it away!
Where are you going? Where are you going?
I'm not going to sit here all day!
What? Well, they're gonna phone us about the photo, darling.
Then let's go. I want to see Paris!
-I'm going on my own. -You are not going on your own
because you will do a runner! I know about you.
-What does he want? -(SPEAKING FRENCH)
-He wants you to pay! -(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH FRENCH)
PATSY: I will not wear denim!
Ask Erin. Erin knows about me and denim.
Champagne! Champagne, pronto! champagne! Sou scalier,
If that bitch comes near me again with a wet wipe,
I'll shove it up her tight little arse!
And where do you want to go?
The Louvre?
Arc de Triomphe?
-Notre-Dame? -Seen that.
When? I don't believe you.
-I saw it in London. -What?
With Dannii Minogue, darling.
The church! I'm not talking about the musical!
-You haven't seen the church. -Oh, church.
Right. If you don't know where you want to go,
then you have to follow me.
Okay, girls, when I say it. Are you ready?
And turn!
Okay, one more time.
No smiling this time. Let's do it properly.
Give me mood. Face that way.
Wait for me to say it. And turn!
Right, now. You...
I don't like what you're doing! All this with your face.
Fromage frais.
Look at that! Look at that! Why do we have...
Why do we have such crap
when everything here is so nice? Huh? Huh?
I mean, they dress their meat better than we dress ourselves.
You could take a lesson from that, darling.
Dead flesh with dignity.
Dead but with dignity.
When I die, I want to be dressed by a French butcher.
There are people here who think you already have been.
Look. Look, darling. Look at this. Look at this.
Duck a l'orange with tangerine accessories,
and we just have crap.
Patsy, you don't have to smile like that.
Oh, no, I wasn't smiling. It's just Rimmer.
I just don't think I should be standing next door to Daphne!
If she wasn't your best friend, I'd get rid of her.
I hardly know her.
(SIGHING)
Come on, one more time! Hurry, hurry! Get with it!
Face that way! Wait for me!
No smiling this time. One more, and turn!
EDINA: Oh, shit, why don't we stop somewhere?
Look over there, darling, people with bent legs
sitting on little strange wooden artefacts.
Cafe. Sit.
God, shops. Look, darling, shops.
Those are exactly the same shops you have in London!
You can do shopping in London.
I don't want to go to a French Virgin Records
or a McDonalds or frankly, a Walt Disney store!
No. We're living in a global shopping mall
and you're the only person
who still thinks there's a bloody exit!
Little man!
EDINA: Oh, God!
Where are we going now, darling, hmm?
You are allowed to walk slowly.
It's not against the law here, you know.
What have you got in your rucksack?
Your crampons, so you can conquer the Eiffel Tower?
Darling, darling, don't go so fast, you'll lose me.
Lose you? I can see you from space.
You and the Great Wall of China.
Oi, Rimmer! Are these two really necessary?
(GASPING) Oh! Thank God for that.
It is you.
What? What's the matter with you?
You look very faint.
Like the...the photocopier is running out of ink.
Like you've been Roneoed and Roneoed
and Roneoed and Roneoed over and over.
And this
is the very last copy.
I am looking into the future.
And it's not very pretty.
Sweetheart, why can't we have any fun?
Why can't we go on the wheel? Why can't we have any fun?
Will you just stop it? Stop moaning! Now, we're going to go
-to the gallery... -No.
-And if there's a queue... -No.
...we can stop and have a nice cup of tea...
-Ah-ah-ah! -...sit in a nice garden...
Look who you've turned into, darling.
Look who you've turned into.
Come along, Edwina, dear.
One more attraction to view and then it's back to the campsite.
Daddy will have the tea on.
The flask is quite empty now.
I don't like their milk, it's not disinfectanted.
Like them, dear.
Don't let them catch your eye
or they may try and say something to you.
Oh!
Here's your lunch.
Now, I would have had it filled,
but your father had the phrase book.
Come along, dear.
We are sophisticated human beings, darling.
-We don't need this! -All right, then.
-I don't want to be like that. -What?
-I mean, what should we do? -What?
What would you and Patsy do in Paris?
Well... What would...
Patsy...
Well, darling, it's a city full of beautiful shops
with beautiful things and we'd go shopping.
Have a drink in a little bar,
go shopping beautiful things. Shopping, drink,
shopping beautiful things, shopping,
drink, lunch at Costes.
Shopping.
Stop for another little drink, buy some more beautiful things,
then we'd go up the Eiffel Tower and get our tits out.
(LAUGHS)
Well, all right, then. Let's do it.
Let's do your day.
EDINA: There you go, darling. Cheers.
-Cheers. -Cheers, sweetheart.
Mmm. It's very nice.
That's wine, sweetheart.
Yes, I know. It's a very good Chablis.
It's overpriced.
-Sweetheart... -Sorry.
See, I like these lamps.
-Yeah. -Mmm.
Don't change the house again.
No, I won't, darling. I won't, I won't, I won't.
-It is just the two of us. -Yes.
(GASPING) Christian! Christian! Christian! Hello!
Oh, I'm not wearing your clothes!
-I'm so sorry. -I'm so happy.
That was Christian. That was Lacroix.
I know, Mum. He made my wedding dress.
Look at that Buddha, sweetheart.
Look at that Buddha.
You wonder how they got it in here.
-Do ya? -Mmm.
Better not let the Taliban know it's here.
(CHUCKLES)
You! Put yourself in that line, okay?
Very nice, very beautiful.
Get in order, in a line,
simply from the youngest to oldest!
How many times do I have to explain it?
Youngest to oldest.
-I'm 42! -Ha! You wish!
So, uh, what makes a place "the place"?
You mean the place to be?
-Well, you do, darling. -Oh!
-No, not you, darling. -No, I know.
Who goes there.
Buddha understands me. Buddha understands.
Darling, if you have a fatwa on you, does it make you fat?
No.
Will you tell Patsy that?
Patsy?
Oh, Smasher Distel!
-Patsy Stone. -Oi!
Patsy?
Oh, sorry. I thought you were someone else.
This place is lovely. Look at that fireplace!
Shh, darling.
Just relax. They know it's lovely.
They don't need you to tell them it's lovely. All right?
Just... Look down your nose a little bit at it, you know?
Stop it.
Open the menu. Open the menu.
When the waiter comes, you just read something off the menu.
You don't have to ask him about it, all right?
-Yes, okay. -It's all good food.
-Mmm-hmm. -All right. Well...
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
-Haricots verts. -(SPEAKING FRENCH)
-God! -It's okay, Mum. It's okay.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Um, I'll choose it.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
You paid for my education, don't look so surprised.
It's just a language. You just have to learn it.
It doesn't just happen because
you wear the right shoes or smoke the right cigarettes.
It's very boring, I'm afraid.
Say something else, darling.
Call him back and say something else.
-No. -Go on, darling.
You should speak French.
Honestly, you sound quite interesting in French.
It suits you.
You should always speak French.
That's my daughter. That's my daughter. Parler Panglais.
-Go on. -No. No.
(LAUGHS) Go on, tell me off, darling.
Tell me off in French.
Sweetheart, go on, darling. Go on.
In French, go on.
Pardon?
I hate all these new magazine styles, don't you?
They're so brutal... And ugly.
Well, I think they're fantastic. I love young things.
Hey, Rimmer, I love what you do, babe.
What do you want us to do next, eh?
I want you to not touch me again.
-Is that nice? -Mmm. Delicious.
Is that Stella?
Darling, is that Stella?
-Who? -Stella McCartney.
(GASPING) Oh, she saw us!
Oh! Leather, leather, leather, leather!
Get rid of my shoes!
Oh, God.
Why won't that woman ever speak to me, darling?
Oh, Mum, you've got meat in your hair.
Ooh, ooh! Ooh, disgusting!
So, never mind. I am old carcass eating old carcass,
darling, I tell you.
What are they doing about this photo?
Oh, Bubble was going to call me, wasn't she?
-No, no call. -I'm going to the toilet.
-To the Louvre? -No...
No, that's a joke, sweetheart.
-Oh! -Mummy's little joke.
Quick Pompipoo in the Louvre.
Okay, hold the signs up. Okay.
You! You will wear that.
Okay, if you can read it, I suggest you don't.
I don't think you want to know, okay?
You're second-hand cars.
It's a tableau, transversitality kind of thing.
Young models, old models.
Go with me! Don't look at me like that! It's ironic, okay?
It's not very high.
It's not the height, it's just the...
What, the tits out?
There are so many people.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) People? What people?
I see no people. Can't see the people, sweetheart.
I don't see any people.
What's our philosophy, darling?
-(SIGHING) I know. -Come on.
I'll never see any of these people
ever again in my whole life.
It's our philosophy of life, darling. Come on.
-I'm not sure. -Oh, sweetheart.
Darling. Do you know what I'm looking at here?
It's a prisoner.
You're a prisoner.
Do you know what your cage is, darling?
Other people's eyes.
Why do you care what they think?
They're keeping you in this cage.
This is a release, sweetheart.
Do you think Patsy and I
go up there to be rude, sweetheart? No.
It's a release.
Your tits are the key to your cage, darling.
Keys, keys.
Come on, let's go up.
Come on, darling. Mummy and daughter do it.
(SHIVERING) Just like any old mummy and daughtie.
Oh, let's go on, sweetie.
We'll just dump the shopping at Security.
Come on. Dancing, dancing.
No, not you dancing, just me dancing.
(BABBLING IN GIBBERISH FRENCH)
The thing is, get to the top and just do it.
Just do it. Just go straight there and just do it.
Undo the buttons. Then we can just go to the second floor.
Because I don't know if they take you right up any more.
Here we are, darling. This is a good place, isn't it?
This is a good place?
This is a good place, sweetheart. Here.
There are not many people around. Ready?
Release yourself, sweetheart. Are you ready?
Okay, here we go. Undo your buttons. Undo your buttons.
-Got buttons? -You as well.
Yes, I'm gonna lift mine, sweetheart.
-Bit of a flasher! Ready? -(LAUGHING)
Ready? Ready, darling?
And go!
(GASPING)
Where's your bit? I can't see your bit, darling.
Oh, no, we didn't want it in.
Erin and I are going to do a little US exclusive.
It was Erin's idea, you know. She loved the pictures.
Oh, what a wonderful day that was. Paris!
Saff?
Oh! Sweetheart. Darling.
It's the magazine. Sweetheart?
It's not as bad as you think, honestly. Look.
They put the staples through me.
Come on.
Well, here it is. Here it is.
Have a look at it, darling.
Just have a look. Just have a look!
-Sweetheart? -(GASPS)
and want you LoadedFHM to do a cover.