(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) Hi! This is me.
This is... This is my camera.
This is detox.
Um, I'm two weeks in, and I've got...
Just got the one week, one week to go.
I've lost quite a lot of weight already.
I'm feeling a little, you know, spaced...
Little spaced.
But I've got a little thinner.
Have a look at this. Have a look at this.
Look at body, body, body.
Yeah... Body a bit thinner. (SIGHS)
Um...
(STAMMERS) But I'm going to show you the before,
so you can see what I was like before.
Hang on. Here we go.
Here's my before...
Tits...
I don't think I've ever seen down there before.
I can see underneath my tits, my titties.
Oh, yeah. Have a look and see what that looks like.
This is better. I didn't like that last day one.
This is day one. This is where it will start.
This is better. Day one.
I've been keeping a diary of my progress,
so we'll see how it goes.
And it all started the night before
the day you've just seen day one...
On a girls' night out.
Which is every night, frankly,
'cause no one's ever got a man.
I mean, look at these men in here.
Some of these are successful men
and look at the women they choose.
-Carers! -Hostesses, not wives.
Darlings, a successful man,
and let's face it, they are the only attractive ones,
does not want a successful wife.
Not a matter of want.
Even a successful woman needs a wife.
Someone to be there for them.
-Look at these. -Trophy wives.
Trophy wives.
They're women who just filter the world for them
as though it's a sort of complete mystery.
The ones that choose the tie
and hide things around the house
so that only they know where they are, darling.
-(LAUGHING) I've done that! -Bloody hell.
You know the ones I hate? The ones at parties.
You know you go to a party,
you want to meet the man... No, no.
She's got to come and speak to you first and
take you over to him. "Oh, come and meet him. He adores you."
That sounds like some very good friends of mine.
It makes a man feel cherished.
Cherished?
(MUFFLED)
They're just manipulating the world,
so it's a complete bloody mystery to him.
You know? -Hmm.
And she's the only one person who will ever understand this
extraordinarily complicated menu that she has written.
(GIGGLES) And then before you know it,
they're all film producers.
Darling, it's no mystery. Come on,
Eddy, tuck in. Come on, sweetheart.
It's no mystery. Two winners don't get on.
It just doesn't work.
I mean it's the same in all relationships.
If you put two racehorses in the stable together,
they'll kick the shit out of each other.
Tom and Nicole. Bruce and Demi.
Mmm-hmm. Liam and Noel.
Disaster.
What a racehorse wants is a donkey... A little donkey,
a goat, a little companion.
I need a slash.
It's the same in all relationships.
EDINA: You see this little glib phrase
that Patsy says like that, but you see...
(PANTING) Why didn't I feel good enough about myself
to think that I could be the racehorse?
I think I'm the donkey.
And I don't want to be the donkey.
I don't want to be the fat donkey.
I want to be the racehorse.
I suppose it's not beyond the realms of possibility
for two donkeys to get on.
I think you're horrid because
if you perceive others as failures,
it makes you feel better about yourself.
-Well done. -Nonsense.
That's just your magazine speak.
No, no, no. I wrote about it in an article.
In a magazine.
You have no idea of the pressures I've been under.
-You dance like an angel -(SCOFFS)
on the pinhead of success for so long,
and the moment you're out of the spotlight
for a micro second they cut you down.
But I think you'll find I was
always very generous in my professional life.
(IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) You ask people who worked with me.
(SCREAMING)
Dawn French! I'm going to have your guts for garters.
Horrible!
Well, everyone has their crutches.
Security blankets.
Being mean is yours.
I've got one of those by my cooker.
-No, no. That's a fire blanket. -Oh, right.
-Toss! -Exactly.
I mean, not everybody has them. I haven't got one.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, don't worry, Eddy.
What are you talking about? What? What?
You're fat.
Fat!
Surely you can see that. We certainly can't miss it.
(LAUGHING)
-Now, what's yours, Patsy? -Well, it's obvious.
-What? What? -It's your fringe.
Oh! The '60s forelock.
Push it back. Let's see what you look like under there.
-Come on, Eddy. -No, no. Don't touch me.
-PATSY: No! No! Please. -Come on.
EDINA: For heaven's sake, Patsy.
(GASPS) No!
EDINA: You know these things can't be taken too quickly.
At least you can pin your fringe back,
whereas you can't pin your fat back.
(LAUGHING)
You are mean!
EDINA: Epiphany! You see that was the kick start.
I wanted to fit in those stalls with the racehorses.
So I decided to reinvent myself,
restyle myself, all right?
The new svelte, tanned, smooth, luggageless me.
(SIGHS) There was something about it,
I don't know what it was.
There was just something about that word.
-Detox! -Yes, I want to detox.
-It's just another fad. -I agree.
No one diets any more.
You're not fat, you're just full of toxins.
I hear you there... Just full of poison.
Well, that's not news.
-Now look, this is my book. -EDINA: Mmm-hmm.
I can work upside down. Plenty of practice with Blue Peter.
Now, it's basically just eat meat
and drink water until you need a B12.
-(EXCLAIMS) Drink water. -So no more booze.
KATY: What are you going to do about exercise?
Well, no one's going to the gym any more,
so I want to do the one that, you know... What's that one...
(FARTS) Ooh.
Boot camp.
Yes. Military fitness. Military fitness.
-Mum, this is madness. -Darling, this is my life!
In three weeks time,
I want to be on the cusp of organ failure.
Good for you!
I want my body just to be...
Just to be a relief map of veins.
I want to be an X-ray with a pulse.
Even your cells can't eat that fast.
Oh, Eddy, we hate these women.
Do we?
Yeah, you don't wanna be one of those...
Looking as though you've
shoved your tits into a pencil sharpener.
It's all right for you. You don't understand.
You've always looked like that. -Oh, Eddy.
You're probably like me, aren't you, Patsy?
I mean, sometimes I just forget to eat.
Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974.
-Well, there was that crisp. -Oh, yes, the crisp.
Poor old Patsy. She couldn't keep anything down.
PATSY: Uh...
She lost most of her back teeth to stomach acid.
At least I didn't drink my own piddle.
That was a very mean trick.
(GASPS) I hope that was my piddle, was it?
I know you're right. I've done every diet.
I've done the hay diet, the cabbage diet.
I've done the blood group diet,
where you have to eat the food
that your ancestors would have gathered.
My ancestors were whale gatherers. Thanks to you.
(MOUTHING) No...
-I've done combining... -Combining food with alcohol.
Yes... (MIMICS)
Three good meals a day is what you should stick to.
Three good meals a day!
And then they had sex! There, that's a good scene!
Eddy, you know, your stomach's like a dog
that doesn't know when it's going to be fed next,
so it hangs around until you want to kick it.
(LAUGHS)
That is it. That is it!
I am going to do this. I am going to get thin.
Witness. Witness. Witness. Witness.
KATY: Go, Eddy!
-Come on. Come on. Come on, let's go.
-KATY: Come on!
TRAINER: All right. Three more of these. Here we go.
(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
Three more of these. Up in the air.
Squat, then star jump. Squat thrust, then star jump.
TRAINER: Come on! That's it. Move it!
-Come on, come on, come on. -You're not moving.
Come on! Come on, Eddy!
Come on, you'll never get there.
I've got snot all over my face!
You will never get there if you don't do it.
I can't do it! I can't do it!
Stop it. Stop talking. Just do it.
TRAINER: Up you come. Well done. Down you go. Good stuff.
MAN: Come on, let's move on.
KATY: Good one.
TRAINER: Down you go. Hand on the bar, chest on the bar,
-and down and up... -(KATY CHUCKLES)
TRAINER: And down and up. KATY: It's enormous!
TRAINER: One more. Come on, down you go.
Come on, one more. Up! Up!
Okay. Concentrate. Concentrate.
KATY: Yeah, come on. Third time lucky. Oh!
-(KATY CHUCKLES) -TRAINER: Come on, get up.
Well done. Let's do it again.
TRAINER: One...
-Eddy. -Oh...
Don't!
Cheers, darling.
Don't!
(GRUNTS)
Don't want it. Don't want it. Don't want it. Don't want it.
I don't want it. I don't want it.
Good for you, Mum.
You've changed your tune, darling.
Anyway, I wanna to be thin. I'm going to be thin.
I'm going to do thin things, you know.
I want to be sort of Geri bendy.
I want to be sort of hip hanging, you know.
I'd just once, like to take my clothes off
and not be marked by them.
I never thought it worried you.
Oh, yeah. 90% of awake time
and 100% of sleep time, darling, I worry about it.
Oh, Eddy, you look fine. I mean, you dress like...
A fat billboard. I know what I look like.
Is that the reason you wear labels,
so the designer takes the blame?
Oh. (VOCALISES)
Didn't take a genius to figure that one out, darling, did it?
DKNY bosoms. Not mine.
Dolce and Gabbana fat thighs. Not mine!
Oh, Eddy, this is no fun.
I know it's no fun, darling,
but it's dieting. I have to diet.
Must think about dieting.
What are you eating?
What are you doing today, anyway, darling,
while I'm dieting?
Well, um, I met an old school friend,
so he's coming round later.
-Hmm. -I met him at the Royal Court,
'cause I finished my play...
-Ooh. -Oh?
-They might be doing it as a workshop in the studio.
BOTH: Ooh! Ooh!
Well, listen, if he's at all good-looking,
have sex with him. 'Cause I'm worried
your business is gonna heal over.
-Hello. -Hey, how are you? Fantastic.
Wow! Like it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I cannot believe... I cannot believe that we met like that.
-It was just... Whoa!
-Oh! I knew it was you immediately.
-You haven't changed at all. -Neither have you.
Wow.
-Very nice. -Yeah.
So, uh, what side of the business
did you say you were on again?
Oh, I'm a writer. I wrote something for the Edinburgh...
Yeah, please. And, well,
the Royal Court are really interested,
so they kind of want to workshop it.
Well, it's a piece about,
kind of, social struggle and sort of...
Sorry. You are a writer, so...
Yeah.
Yeah. Hey, I'm an actor. Ha! Bear me in mind.
(BOTH LAUGH)
-Great. -So, what are you
working on at the moment?
Yeah... Did... Were we in the same class at school?
Because I thought...
-Same year, yeah. -Yeah, yeah.
You're the one who had sat next to me in Maths.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, Maths. Love it, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
(STUTTERS) Anyway, what did you say you did again?
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, my agent's
being very protective at the moment,
not really letting me take stuff
in case it interferes with the big plan.
-Oh! -(SCOFFS)
-Which is? -Oh, you know.
Movies, L.A., whatever.
Oh!
EDINA: Meanwhile, Patsy was experimenting
with the possibility of hairstyle variety.
Great.
Are those for me? Thanks.
-You look nice. -What? What?
I don't know how they get people to go to these parties.
It's cocaine.
Lines inside means lines outside.
Donatella is a genius.
(SNIFFING)
Six. Possibly eight.
And I said... I said, "What's that sound?"
And he said, "That, Taylor, is the sound of doors opening."
And I've been, practically,
knee-deep in scripts ever since, so...
But you know, you are so...
You are so right. Yeah, relationships suffer.
Right, you must know. You're a writer...
You know, two-way traffic.
-Have you got a girlfriend? -Whoa!
Ex-girlfriend, yeah. Uh...
Singer-dancer, Shelagh Kidron?
No? Starlight Express?
No.
-Are they? You? Yeah? -No, I don't.
-May I? -Oh, yes. Please.
-Thank you. -Yeah, sorry.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Mmm.
Anyway, just, er...
-Couple for later. -Oh.
(SIGHS) Racehorse and donkey.
So, this is the thing. It's a glib phrase,
but racehorse and donkey. Racehorse and donkey.
Once you've figured it out, the world makes sense.
CANDY: Yes, I know.
I'm telling you now, he's an absolute stud.
-CANDY: Bye. -Candy!
-Darling. How are you doing? -Fine. You?
Very good.
The has got Daily Express some pics
of that pool boy sucking my tits in St Lucia.
-Winston? -Oh, yeah.
Oh, lovely!
Darling, do you wanna...
Do you wanna have lunch or something?
I can't. I'm meeting an old school friend.
PATSY: Oh.
-Minge! -Candy!
Oh, darling, don't worry. I've got it covered.
Take him. He smells of poo.
Come to Auntie Minge, sweetie.
Yeah. And the snail had his own trailer, so...
Wow.
-What snail?
-Snail had his own trailer, yeah.
-In the Doc. The Doctor. -Doctor Who?
No, no. Doolittle.
-Oh. -Dr Doolittle.
When... When I... I toured in it, yeah?
Oh, some terrific numbers in that. Did you see it?
-Er, well, no. -Oh, terrific, really.
Put me on the map, yeah.
# Talk to the animals... #
Show stopper. (CHUCKLES)
Stopped the show. Well... If you don't count the snail,
obviously there were some
big rounds for the snail, but, uh...
Giant snail, so big, er...
Big bastard. But a lot of the animals...
But the animals, lovely and
beautifully crafted animatronics.
Um, look, Taylor. I'm sorry, the time...
I've got to write and...
Whoa. Absolutely. Yep. Yep, I'm with you.
Let's make like sheep and get the flock out of here.
10:09, yeah.
Could I just very quickly borrow your phone?
Oh, yeah, of course. Um, call a cab.
No, actually, I just want to ring L.A.
Going to L.A. next week,
and I just want to page myself in a restaurant, um...
Get on the wire before I'm out there... That kind of thing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Well done.
Battery's gone. I'm off.
I've got dinner with Carol Vorderman.
What?
-You did really brilliant today.
-Yeah. -Night night, darling.
(GROANING)
I will do it!
-Oh, Eddy! Eddy! -Oh, honey.
PATSY: Darling.
Eddy, you need a drink, darling.
-I don't need a drink. -Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right, sweetheart. How are you...
(GASPS) How are you doing with this?
I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right. But, Eddy,
what's the point of this? Let's go and have some fun.
(GRUNTS) I've got to do it.
-Oh, darling. Just one little drink downstairs.
No. You go ahead. You go ahead.
EDDY AND PATSY: Ooh! Ooh!
It was very nice meeting you again.
Yeah, absolutely great, and, you know,
bear me in mind with the writing.
Oh, I say!
I say, do you care to share a cab with me somewhere?
Hey. Absolutely not.
-Sweetheart? -EDDY: Pats?
(WHINING)
I must eat! I must eat! I want to eat something.
(WHIMPERING)
(VOCALISES)
Stay calm. Just calm. Just relax. Just stay.
(PANTING)
Think about your hip bone.
Oh, there's a hip bone.
Where's my hip bone gone? It was here! It was here!
My hip bone.
(SIGHS)
God...
You gave me epiphany and now you have forsaken me.
# The morning sun touched lightly
# On the eye of Lucy Jordan
# In a white suburban bedroom
# In a white suburban town
# As she lay there 'neath the covers
# Dreaming of a thousand lovers
# Till the world turned to orange
# And the room went spinning round
# At the age of 47
# She realised she'd never
# Ride through Paris
# In a sports car
# With the warm wind in her hair
# So she let the phone keep ringing
# As she sat there softly singing
# Pretty nursery rhymes she'd memorised
# In her daddy's easy chair #
I must say, you're doing rather well, darling.
I never thought you had it in you.
I'm singing this for you because I know you like it.
(DEVIL LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
Hee-haw!
Of course. You started that.
Oh, Patsy's one of mine.
What are you doing here, anyway?
This one's with me.
Did you suggest this diet?
It's not a diet. It's a detox.
Why do you keep coming up with these things?
It plays on their vanity and I gave them that.
No. You gave them self-hatred.
Oh, whatever. They love a diet.
In the world of self-loathing,
the Barbie doll reigns supreme.
Oh, don't get heavy. It's a shallow world now.
I know. Nothing can develop any more.
They just want freshly-popped foetus bodies
and sex doll faces.
I mean, look at the art...
Oh, do stop!
This is a world where Carol Vorderman is a sex symbol
and St Tropez is a bottle of fake tan.
I love it!
They won't have any use for you and me soon.
Oh, frankly, I'm bored,
anyway. What's the point of me if I'm acceptable?
In China, they're putting girl babies in dustbins
as a matter of routine...
Now who's getting heavy?
It's so not 2001.
I just wish everybody could love each other.
That was such an attractive idea.
Mmm. Fancy a drink or something?
Have you ever cut your fringe?
-No. You? -I will if you will.
GOD: No. I will if you will. DEVIL: No.
Oh, sweetheart.
(GROANING)
Oh.
Sweetheart.
Oh, darling, I need food.
Food, sweetheart.
Oh, darling, I nearly died last night, darling.
In fact, I think I'm pretty close to death now, sweetheart.
-Mum, you're not. -How do you know?
Because I'm looking at you, and you look fine.
Look fine. I know what that means.
That means I still look fat!
You have lost a lot of weight. Not that that's important.
I know I've lost a lot of weight, but not enough!
I want to eat! I knew this would never work.
It is working. Stop being a victim and take control!
I'm a fat person, that's the end of it!
Me!
The woman who got stuck on an eating loop in Yo! Sushi.
I mean, honestly, sweetheart, if they keep it coming round,
of course I'm going to eat it, aren't I?
I'll get you something.
I don't want something. God, this is such hard work!
How does Geri bloody Halliwell do it, eh?
How does she do that?
'Cause this isn't lovely, lovely fun,
jumpy, lovely, lovely day, lots of energy, fun.
This is horrible, painful, funless grind.
Welcome to my world.
Not my world.
(PANTING) I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to get a body double for life, darling.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Then I can eat what I want.
I mean, they do it in the movies, don't they, sweetie?
You can be the star of the film
and someone else does all the body bits.
That's what I want.
(SHIVERING)
I'm going... I'm going to the fridge. Don't stop me, darling.
Don't stop me!
'Cause I'm going to the fridge, sweetheart!
Fine. I'm not going to stop you.
This is what you always do.
Everyone else takes over, takes responsibility. Well, I won't.
You do it and you face the consequences.
To be honest, fat or thin, you are a nightmare of selfishness!
Mum.
Mum. You just opened the fridge
without heaving your whole body.
(MUFFLED)
-Help Mama! Help Mama! -What? What?
-What? -There's a lump.
-Where? -A lump here. Feel that.
What is that? (SCREAMS)
What is that? What is that?
Mum, it's a muscle.
That? That's a muscle?
I've got a muscle? Sweetie, I've got a muscle.
Ring Katy Grin, tell her I've got a muscle!
Darling, ring Pats Stone and tell her I've got a muscle.
Sweetheart, have I got another... No, no.
Feel that. I've got a muscle. Feel it, darling. Feel it.
Feel it. Don't push it away! Don't push it away!
Just feel it.
Ring them up. Tell them
I've got a muscle. I've got a muscle.
-KATY: You can do it! -I can do it!
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Upper arms! Punch, punch, punch!
KATY: To me. Punch! Great. Great. That is fantastic.
Think of Planet Thin. Planet Thin. That's it! That's it!
(EXHALES)
So here I am, minus a stone of toxin.
Feeling pretty good. (CHUCKLES)
Sniffing the old O2 and ingesting the wheat germ,
and about to be tanned, pummelled and scrubbed,
and I shall be ready to go.
(HUMMING)
Sweetheart?
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
(SCATTING)
-What do you think? -Well...
Is that dress new?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you like it?
It's gorgeous. It's just that it's...
What? What? What?
Well, it's still too small.
(SCOFFS) Well, that's because I'm going to get thinner.
I'm going to get thinner than this.
Well, sweetheart... Darling, can I ask you something?
Will you stop doing that, darling, and listen to me?
Sweetheart, can I ask you something?
-Do you think attention can become addictive?
(SIGHS)
I wouldn't want that to happen to me. (GRUNTS)
I wouldn't want that to happen to me, darling.
I wouldn't want that.
Also, sweetheart, darling, darling.
Mummy's worried about you because
I don't want you to worry
when they start saying she's too thin.
All right? You needn't worry about that.
Because it is inevitable. Now, film Mama leaving.
-Mum, please. -Darling, film me leaving.
-I'm really busy.
-Will you stop being so selfish and film me leaving!
Come on, darling. Come on.
Come on, darling.
Am I... Am I in shot?
Yes, you're filling the screen.
Well, zoom out, zoom out.
Here I come. Here I come. Ready? Ready?
# Here she comes
# The most beautiful girl in the world
Pah! # She's the right one...
Follow me, follow me.
# She's the bright one
# That's Edini #
(GRUNTS)
Hi. (GIGGLES)
-Ta-da! -PATSY: Oh, Eddy.
(LAUGHING)
I think I can just squeeze in here.
No, I can't. Can you just shift it slightly?
That's it. That's it.
-Oh, well done! -Thank you.
There, I've said it. Personal detox complete.
-Cheers, cheers, cheers. -PATSY: Well done, Eddy.
-Did you lose weight? -Oh?
Oh, yeah. This is my first drink, actually.
What's your secret?
Well, the thing I think is the...
No, not now, Eddy, not now.
Well done and all that,
but now just got to get on with your life.
-I agree. -You can't make it your life.
Mmm-mmm. Absolutely.
You know, slimming is just... It's overrated.
All those reinvented ones.
They get thin, they get PR, they dump their husbands,
and then someday they're found all alone
with their bones sticking through their cardigans.
Why this body obsession?
I mean, when did we get like this?
It's sex. Sex!
-Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! -But why?
Would the word 'orifice' help
at this point in the conversation?
Everyone wants to get screwed. There's no mystery.
Well, the old ones should wear more clothes, then.
Yeah. Or get pissed, just get out of it,
-then you don't look at what you're tupping.
-(ALL LAUGHING)
This is so Sex In The City, isn't it?
I hate that show.
-Which one am I? -The nice one.
I'm Sarah Jessica Parker.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What?
You're still too fat!
Still, it doesn't really matter, does it, darling?
'Cause, you know, fat or thin, you still love me, don't you?
Darling?
Saff? Saff?
Saff?
Biscuits to dunk! Biscuits to...