1 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:29,471 What are you doing? 2 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,556 What are these ones? 3 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,591 - Is it blue? - I don't know. Is it? 4 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,314 I'm trying to get sorted, get organised. 5 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,431 - Is that a downer? - Is it labeled? 6 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,028 - It's not labeled! - Well, it's just er... 7 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:46,239 Mmm. 8 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,876 The shit on TV. Look at the shit... 9 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,116 - What? - Shit, look at that! Katy Grin! 10 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,232 People have been doing some crazy things. 11 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,909 I can barely hear myself think! 12 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,116 There's been bathing in baked beans, 13 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,992 sponsored beard shaving, 14 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:10,157 and someone even hopped all the way here tonight 15 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,952 with a cake on their head! 16 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:13,354 Amazing! 17 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,833 She looks like a gerbil caught in the headlights. 18 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:20,748 It's the face on the mosquito before it hits your windshield. 19 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:24,748 And we've managed to raise the grand total of £23.50 20 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,589 from Denham's department store. Wow whee! Haven't we done well? 21 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:34,960 So... Oh, yeah, see you later in the studio around 2 a. m. 22 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,513 Bye! 23 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,551 Can you stop hopping now? 24 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,589 That's why you don't want to be a celebrity. 25 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:46,994 - I do. - No. 26 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,918 You don't want to be one of those skinny bitches 27 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,271 who sticks on two patches of elastoplast and some dental floss 28 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,833 and calls it an outfit! 29 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,509 You don't want to whap your fanny out at a prem. 30 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,598 Or slither your tits out in the back of a taxi. 31 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,439 - I do, darling. - They're just trash. 32 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,632 They're just mag fillers. They're just recycled vomit. 33 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,719 I mean, it's just recycled snaps. They come back again and again. 34 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:15,833 They just recategorise, stuff them up their arsehole, vomit them out. 35 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:20,078 You're not listening! You're not listening to what I'm trying to say! 36 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,232 - If I was going to strip... - No! 37 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:25,952 Stop, stop, stop! 38 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,359 If I was going to strip... 39 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:29,993 - No! - Wait! 40 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,315 I would have to think about it very hard. 41 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,159 I would do it for the right reasons. 42 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,838 What are you talking about? 43 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,474 - Going nude for Cosmo, darling. - No! 44 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,388 Yes, darling. They want celebrities to go nude for Cosmo, darling. 45 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,432 It would be very tasteful. I'd have control. Really. 46 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,870 No. There's not enough Vaseline in the world, or screw on a lens 47 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,672 to make that acceptable. 48 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,598 Stop it! I just want to be famous! 49 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,712 You just want someone to look at you sometimes. 50 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:01,310 I just want them to look at me. The person that I'm not. 51 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,510 Before all the juice gets out of the carton... 52 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,714 What was that? 53 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,558 - What the hell is that? - Oh, Eddie. 54 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,719 Is it... 55 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,193 Is it a bee? 56 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,358 - Kasha? - Yeah? 57 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,675 - You're moving your arms too much. - Right. 58 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,837 - Do you want it this rigid? - Yes. That's how I wrote it. 59 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,234 Ooh. 60 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,115 I quite admire you, actually. 61 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,030 Where is it, Eddie? Where is it? 62 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:48,951 - Is it a bee? - I don't know. 63 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,957 It's down there. You go, you go. 64 00:03:58,080 --> 00:03:59,354 Where is it, darling? 65 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,436 Eddie! Oh, Eddie. Find it, kill it! 66 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,635 - Kill it! - Darling, we need more drink. 67 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,318 Don't leave me here! 68 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:11,913 Get the drink. 69 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:22,799 Oh, it's on me! 70 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,153 It's here! It's on me. 71 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,875 The bee is on me, darling. Take it off me! It's on me! 72 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,154 What is it? 73 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,517 Oh, it's a small shoe. 74 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,677 It's my phone. It's my phone. 75 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:52,834 Phone? 76 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,234 Hello? 77 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:57,512 - It's crunching. - Heavy breather? 78 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:58,914 - No. - Is it obscene? 79 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,315 - It's crunching. - Is it your stalker? 80 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,000 You deal with a stalker by cutting off his stalk. 81 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,953 He's not my stalker. I met my stalker. 82 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,834 E'd got the wrong person. He was very apologetic. Listen. 83 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,234 Um! 84 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,794 Um! Listen to me. 85 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,755 I have to get out of here! 86 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,313 Help! 87 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:20,919 - Help! - Is that Serge? 88 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,712 Um, are you listening? 89 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,274 - Who? - Serge, my son. Is that Serge? 90 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:26,874 Um! 91 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:31,029 Serge? Hello, darling! It's Mama. Mama's here, sweetheart! 92 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,948 Eddie! Darling, you're very stoned, sweetheart. We're hallucinating. 93 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,877 This is Serge. This is Serge. 94 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,514 Darling, I'm coming. Mama's going to help you. 95 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,232 I'm going to call the police. 96 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:44,716 Not the police! Not the filth! Not the pigs! Not the porkies! 97 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,319 I've got to help him. 98 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,909 - I'm changing my agent. - Oh, really? Why? 99 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,712 He pigeonholed me. 100 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,398 What as? 101 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,119 Uncastable. 102 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:09,070 Saffy, can I give you a lift? I've got my car. We could go for a drink. 103 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,111 No, thanks. I've got my bicycle. 104 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,076 - Oooh! - Shut it! 105 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,871 Oh, sweethearts, I love you. 106 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:43,878 - What's going on? - Aaah! 107 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,797 I'm a registered addict. Oh... 108 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:47,794 Where's Mum? 109 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:50,798 She's downstairs with, you know, the squeaky shoe. 110 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,514 She's with the fuzz, the pigs, the porkers, 111 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,596 our friends with the talking brooches. 112 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,631 The police? Oh, what's happened? 113 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,592 Downstairs...? 114 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,316 He rang me on that phone. 115 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,908 - My son. - You've had a night of it. 116 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,394 One drink! 117 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,760 - What's happened? - Thank God you're here. 118 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,110 - Tell them I'm not mad. - What is it? 119 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:15,832 h, thank you! 120 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,396 Your mother thinks your brother has been kidnapped. 121 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,317 He has been kidnapped! 122 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,874 She received a call and he was pleading for help. 123 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,592 - What? - Yes. 124 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,472 - Serge? - Yes, Serge, darling. 125 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,275 Do you know your brother's whereabouts? Your mother didn't. 126 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,709 Just because he doesn't ring every half hour 127 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,513 doesn't mean he doesn't live, love... 128 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:41,269 Love me. Darling, where is he? Where is he, darling? 129 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:45,109 He's in the Atlantic in a submarine studying plate movements. 130 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,719 What plates? 131 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,593 Listen. We're very busy. 132 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,834 Just call us if you hear any more. We'll see ourselves out. 133 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,951 Have you got a night shoot on The Bill? 134 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,195 Honestly, darling. He rang me. 135 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,788 Why don't you check the last received call? 136 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,794 Last received call? Last received call. 137 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,670 You didn't flush everything, did you? 138 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,230 Look at this. Look at this, darling. 139 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,553 That's not a number I recognise. Let's see. 140 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:32,959 Is that your...? 141 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,548 My phone must have gone off by mistake. 142 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:39,275 But, darling, I heard Serge. Were you with Serge? 143 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,035 You must have heard my rehearsals. 144 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,151 Darling, I heard Ser... 145 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:48,918 I've written a play. 146 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,872 - What about? - A play. 147 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,635 It's... It's about my life 148 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,751 and it was a scene. 149 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,155 Someone playing Serge rehearsing. 150 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,519 Am I in it? 151 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,278 Darling? Am I? 152 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:07,799 Yes. 153 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,958 - You've written a play about me. - No. It's about me. 154 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,116 A play about me? Someone's doing it! 155 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,515 Let's talk about this in the morning. 156 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,108 You've written a play about me? Oh, God... 157 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,713 Why? 158 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,877 You little piece of dribble piss! 159 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:33,798 Mum, it's only on for a week in a very small venue. 160 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,433 What are you worried about? 161 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,632 Because I know the kind of play you will have written. 162 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,797 It'll make Mommie Dearest look like Winnie the bloody Pooh! 163 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,957 It will be the truth. Is that what you find threatening? 164 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,470 Your truth! Your twisted little arsewipe truth. 165 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,351 - You'll have to stop it. - No. 166 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,879 No, I won't. 167 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,752 And do you know why? 168 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,598 Because I need to do this. 169 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,836 I need to drag the poison from me. 170 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,032 I need to get it out of my chest where it has sat for years. 171 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,752 To shout it openly. 172 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,232 For Christ's sake, darling, you're 20... 173 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,995 Why can't you just move on? Move on. 174 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,839 - You should have had her adopted. - I wish you had. 175 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,757 You tried to and I wish you had. 176 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,235 I used to dream of lovely families. 177 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,875 - You had a family! - You and that piece of flint! 178 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,672 You dragged me up! 179 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,678 I glimpsed into worlds I should have known nothing about - 180 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,314 worlds with no morals and no responsibilities. 181 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:42,514 And not just glimpsed. You took my face and pushed it up against the window! 182 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,471 We should have pushed it through! 183 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,113 I've got morals! 184 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:52,279 How can you say that? You burnt and scarred my best friend! 185 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,197 - Who? - Titicaca. 186 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,674 Oh. 187 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,231 Her name is Sarah. 188 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:02,751 Darling, she was standing with her pigtails too close to a candle! 189 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:04,639 Act of God. 190 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,556 You were holding the candle! 191 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:11,036 Christ! She got a therapist on insurance! 192 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,833 I am not going to feel guilty about this! 193 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,554 To do that you'd have to go beneath the surface, 194 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,796 and no drill can crack that crust! 195 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,309 God, you are so ungrateful! 196 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,795 Some people think I'm pretty great. 197 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,114 Pats? 198 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,871 Stop this, Eddie. It's not important. 199 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,752 No, no, it's not important. 200 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,270 Not as important as the future of the structured handbag, 201 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,391 or swing macs or pom-pom sweaters. 202 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,512 Not important to a woman whose job is to invent adjectives 203 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,073 for pointless clothing! 204 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,474 Stop it! 205 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,838 You had everything! 206 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,548 You had everything I never had! 207 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,712 No. You took it. 208 00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,398 I was always alone. 209 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,750 Mum never took ME on holiday. 210 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,951 - I did! - Prove it! Where are the photos? 211 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,277 - Where are photos of me? - We didn't have cameras then! 212 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,952 Honestly! Why do you always want proof? You always want proof! 213 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,197 Eddie, we took her to the park! 214 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,470 Yes, we took you to the park. 215 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,350 It comes back! 216 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,553 My life is like a constant winter. 217 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,911 Yeah. She never thawed, did she? 218 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,031 Rigor mortis set in during puberty. 219 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,119 She's so cold, I bet she has her periods in cubes. 220 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:18,476 I'm not doing this because I hate you. I only want to be loved. 221 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,433 Well, darling, so do I, sweetheart. 222 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:24,791 There you are, Patsy. I wonder if you could help me. 223 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,879 I need a strong pair of hands. I've got a wardrobe stuck on the stairs. 224 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,513 Oh, sure, Mrs M. 225 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:33,916 Thank you, dear. I'm giving it to sheltered housing. 226 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,674 Sweetheart, you know Mama loved you. 227 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,279 You were never here. 228 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,473 I got you a nanny. 229 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,751 No. I always had to look after myself. 230 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,870 You've done a very good job, darling. 231 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,159 Oh, darling. 232 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,114 Darling, will you answer Mama a question? 233 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,037 A serious question, darling. 234 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:00,279 And I want you to be honest with me. 235 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:03,790 Even though you think it might hurt me, you've got to say. 236 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,194 All right, darling? 237 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,910 How fat is the woman playing me? 238 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,753 Mum... 239 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:20,358 In this whole world, there will never be anyone as fat as you. 240 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:31,633 - Hello, Dad. - Darling. 241 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,557 - Come in. - Thanks. 242 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,639 Dad... 243 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,910 - Mum knows. - Oh, my God! 244 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,190 How? When? 245 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,515 - I shouldn't be here. - It's all right. 246 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,596 Cancel everything. I'll pay the actors. 247 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,597 I really need your support on this. 248 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,434 OK. 249 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,354 Justin. 250 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,634 Pats. 251 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,390 And I don't know anything about it. 252 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,230 No, Gran. Mum knows now. 253 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,474 Knows what, dear? 254 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:17,034 About the play. 255 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,559 What play, dear? 256 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,033 Oh, Dad. Stop worrying. It'll be all right. 257 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,469 I'm sure she's not as bad as you make out. 258 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,239 Why don't you just cut some of the scenes? 259 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,635 - No. - I'll pay you. 260 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,191 We've gotta kill this play. How would I normally ensure a flop? 261 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,550 - Promote it. - Don't be so stupid! 262 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,591 Why bother, Eddie? It's only theatre. 263 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,759 People in the dark facing the same way, not enjoying themselves. 264 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,199 It's just not important. 265 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,914 You'll have to write something in the papers. 266 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:51,397 Come on. Do the dirty. You must have an article in you somewhere. 267 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,352 Several, I should imagine. 268 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,908 I'm going to go on Ricki Lake, Montel, Tricia. Think of titles. 269 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,871 I left my husband for a kidney bean. 270 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,438 And now he wants it back? 271 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,151 - Read it. - What do you want? 272 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:12,872 - Be kind, Saff. - Sorry. 273 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,433 I bring you an ulti... 274 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,193 - matimum? - Matum! 275 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,117 Oh, matum... from your mother. 276 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,949 You must cancel the play or she will be forced to spread bad word and... 277 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,119 hey, go on Ricki Lake or similar, 278 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,470 to do "I left my husband for a kidney... " 279 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,238 No! The other one. 280 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,999 To do "dirty daughter did the devious on me 281 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,792 "and stabbed me in the throat. " 282 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:38,630 She will show no mercy in the defecation of your character. 283 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:41,239 Mum! Come here. 284 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,758 Stupid girl. I will do that, you know. I will do that. 285 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,871 It opens tonight, so you're too late. 286 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,911 Oh, shit! Bollocks. 287 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,033 Is he in it? I hope you've put him in it. 288 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:57,789 Being married to him was like being married to an antique shop - 289 00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:59,797 full of crap and always closed! 290 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,631 Old wood, aren't you? 291 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,474 - Dad? - Whatever you're thinking, don't. 292 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:08,068 No. Show Mum the photo of me in your wallet. 293 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,077 Show me the photo in your wallet. 294 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,668 Show me the photo you've got in your wallet. 295 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,837 What is this? Is that little Saffy? 296 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,157 Oh, for God's sake, it's only a play. Sorry, Saff. 297 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:20,952 You don't even go to the theatre. 298 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,230 You don't know anybody that goes to the theatre. 299 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:26,318 - It's not going to touch you. - Oh, shut up! 300 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,513 - Stop it. - Can I go? 301 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,835 No, you can't go. Stay. 302 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,235 - I'm being picked up. - This better be good. 303 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:38,478 Black matter is dragging us towards eternal dalmatian 304 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,151 and before long, we will be cloned and turned into sheep. 305 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,238 So to avoid this fate, I am being picked up by a spaceship 306 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:48,316 that's hidden in the tail of a comet. 307 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,910 - That'll be them. - Don't be so stupid. 308 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,395 Have you got a purple tablecloth and gym shoes? 309 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:55,999 - No. - Then you're staying. 310 00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:00,193 Hi, hi, hi. Don't be scared. It's only us. 311 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:02,953 Shalom! 312 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,469 Full horror movie cast list now, innit? 313 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,795 - Just ignore her. - What happened to you? 314 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,751 Oh, Marshall is a rabbi now. 315 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,633 We thought if Steven Seagal can be a lama, what the hell? 316 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,558 Abundance, holiness and purity to you. 317 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:17,954 Well sung, honey. 318 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,036 - Please, sit down. - Thank you. 319 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,709 - Have you come to see the play? - Play? What play? 320 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,956 We don't see plays. Only movies. 321 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,230 It's OK. Mum knows. Have a drink. 322 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:31,796 - Thank you. - This isn't a party! This is hell! 323 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,674 - I'm sensing tension. - Leave it, Bo. 324 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,472 Listen, a guest for a while can see for a mile, 325 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,636 as Rabbi Yunni Yardeni said on Letterman. 326 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,032 And over the red thread. There is healing to be done. 327 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,676 Be careful. This is expensive stuff. 328 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,076 Don't be stupid. I bought it wholesale at the fabric store. 329 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,634 Hi! Hi! Shed your evil shell. 330 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,829 Shed your... You don't have an evil shell. You're precious. 331 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,313 OK. 332 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,079 Oh, there's some evil in you. Don't try to lie. 333 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,395 - Exciting. - More thread over here. 334 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:08,914 Oh, God. 335 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,473 All eyes on me. 336 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,477 It's what you always wanted, Eddie. 337 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,797 Yesterday you were going centrespread full tit and minge. 338 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,988 That would have been airbrushed, wouldn't it? 339 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,714 I'd have control over that. This is going to be... 340 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,593 Raw meat. 341 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:25,834 Porn. 342 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,838 Oh, darling, we don't care what people think about us. 343 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,349 Ridicule is nothing to be scared of. 344 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,596 Prince Charming... Come on, darling. 345 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,073 Prince Charming 346 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,033 Ridicule is nothing to be scared of. 347 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,917 I've found an eye. 348 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,678 Now I need a mouth. 349 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,552 A mouth. Take my mother-in-law, please. 350 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,194 Marshall, you're a rabbi, not Jackie Mason. 351 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,992 He gets so confused. 352 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,553 Why are you doing this? 353 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,355 The Kabbalah. In L.A., the Kabbalah groups have the best parties - 354 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,040 all the big stars and a couple of Jews. 355 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,230 We've had to sacrifice so much. 356 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,079 We can no longer smell our fingers after we eat. 357 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,590 We can only have sex once a month through a tiny hole in a sheet. 358 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:13,715 I should imagine that's quite a relief for you, Marshall. 359 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,792 You did bring the sheet, hon? 360 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,191 - Saff, I have to go. - OK, Dad. You will be there? 361 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:23,833 Yes. Yes, of course. 362 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,234 Gesundheit. 363 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,672 I'm nearly fluent in Hebrew. 364 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,150 No, Bo. You just bring up phlegm. 365 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:33,916 All I need is an ear. 366 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,111 God, this wig is so hot. 367 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,596 It cost me a fortune. It's one of Barbra Streisand's old wigs. 368 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,312 Papa, can you hear me? 369 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,513 Barbra's here. 370 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,471 Papa, can you see me? 371 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,556 People. People who need people. 372 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,793 Let's get physical... That's Olivia. Barbra. 373 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,919 - Will you last the play, Marshall? - Yeah, yeah. 374 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,632 What time is kick-off? 375 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,352 It's a play, Gran. Curtain up. 376 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,630 I will, dear. Is it chilly out? 377 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,197 Marshall has coped with everything except the Jewish food. 378 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:15,437 He had diarrhoea so bad, he almost laid his own kidneys. 379 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,993 - Bo! - It's true. 380 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:19,031 - Let's go. - I'll be with you in a minute. 381 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,351 Mum, I think you should come. 382 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,559 Here's a ticket. 383 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,150 God, why have so many people got to go in? 384 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,952 I haven't seen a face go in. 385 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,595 That means nothing. People that matter don't have to have a face. 386 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,676 - Is she here? - No, not yet. 387 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:50,913 You look great, Saff. 388 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,314 You don't look so good. 389 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,277 She won't come. Anyway, I don't care either way. 390 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,039 Oh, I thought I was late. Are you OK? 391 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,390 I'm fine. I wish everyone would stop asking. 392 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:02,794 You look great. 393 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:04,638 - Have a swig. - No, thank you. 394 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:06,034 - Have one. - No. 395 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,112 Let's go. Quick. 396 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,912 - This is it, is it? - Good luck. 397 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,435 Feels like I'm watching my own funeral. 398 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:17,870 The snivelling little bitch has written a piece of shit. 399 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,117 - It's vomit, it's bilge... - What if it's great? 400 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,356 Darling, it'll be flapsnot. Let's go. 401 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,074 I'll watch that little bit of flapsnot. 402 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,274 I'm so nervous. 403 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,154 Sorry. There's no smoking. 404 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:41,033 Don't be stupid. Don't be so bloody stupid! 405 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,551 - Move up, please. Can you move up? - Excuse me. Excuse me. 406 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:49,759 What are you doing here? 407 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:51,632 I don't know. 408 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,393 Saff? Saff? 409 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,836 This is the story of a self-raising flower. 410 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,439 Oh, shut up! 411 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,318 I am that flower. 412 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,274 I need to get it out of my chest where it has sat there for years. 413 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,231 I need to shout it openly. 414 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:19,634 Piss off! 415 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,948 This is my story. 416 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,472 Saffy! 417 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:30,599 Saff! 418 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,159 Shit, Eddie. 419 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,269 Look at me. Look at Mama. 420 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,277 Do you think I'm fat? 421 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,797 I don't know what to say. 422 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:47,030 Try to be more western in your thinking, darling. 423 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:53,309 She had tried every fad diet and every fad drug that has ever existed 424 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:57,831 and still somehow she remains two stone overweight. 425 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,958 - One stone! - One stone! 426 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:07,436 I was dragged up by my mother and a piece of flint. 427 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,389 You little bitch troll from hell. 428 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,909 You miserable piece of filth. 429 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,998 When Ed said she was pregnant, I told her to abort. 430 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,031 Abort, abort, abort, I said. 431 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:24,754 Chuck it down the pan and bring me a... 432 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,713 - Knitting needle? - A knitting needle! 433 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,113 I'm good, Eddie. 434 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,076 You are my son, my son! 435 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,829 - I'm going far, far away. - No! 436 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,316 To the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean or the South Pole. 437 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:43,677 Cut the umbilical cord, Mum! 438 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,118 I have to go. 439 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:48,874 No! 440 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,433 No! 441 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,831 I just need a few crutches to help me through life, sweetie. 442 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,515 You have absolved yourself of responsibility. 443 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,751 You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis! 444 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:04,836 Someone chooses what you wear and eat, 445 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,838 then someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it out. 446 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,671 I did tell you the facts of life? 447 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,551 If you mean when you sat on my bed 448 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,830 and shook me awake at 2 a.m. 449 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,315 and then, stoned out of your brain, you slurred, 450 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,193 "Oh, by the way, sweetie, people have it off. " 451 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:27,190 Then, yes, you told me the facts of life. 452 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:30,869 Good. Well, any gaps you want me to fill you in on, let me know. 453 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,239 I knew it was a comedy. Go for it, kids. 454 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,113 What was my birth like? 455 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:44,071 Your birth? From the moment you were born, I knew I wanted you. 456 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:46,631 However, the day after... 457 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:53,629 What a terrible lot they are, dear. It reminds me of home. 458 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,558 The tits are bigger, but otherwise she's fantastic. 459 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,750 You never gave me anything! 460 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:01,832 I gave you that hamster! 461 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:06,794 You mean kitten. Whatever happened to my kitten? 462 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:14,354 I live a sentence unapproved, but not overruled by heaven. 463 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:31,959 Go on, Eddie. 464 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,274 Saff? 465 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:55,674 Saff, sweetheart? 466 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,279 Darling, it's Mama. 467 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,836 Darling? Darling? 468 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,711 - Stop it, Mum. - It's not me, darling. 469 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,070 - Stop it. - Look. Darling. 470 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:10,911 - It's for you, darling. - Oh. 471 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,359 Thanks, Mum. 472 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,198 Don't want to smudge my lips. 473 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,315 - It's not the same kitten. - I know. 474 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,397 I thought your play was good. 475 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:26,910 - No, it wasn't. - What an imagination you've got. 476 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,238 Thought it was good acting. 477 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,831 Pats and I are having lunch with the people who played us. 478 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,189 Don't show the kitten to Pats, darling. 479 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,630 No. She might get jealous, like the la... 480 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:48,873 Might get jealous. 481 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,036 - Hi. Is Saffy...? - Yeah. Downstairs. 482 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:54,673 - Hi. Come in. - Hi. 483 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,074 Hi. Come in. 484 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,670 Hello, darling! 485 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,758 Come and have a drink. 486 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,510 Sorry. I didn't quite get the tits right. 487 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,875 You should have gone in the dustbin. An incinerator was too good for you. 488 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:17,919 Never mind. Cheers, mate. 489 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:42,594 Guess who? 490 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:48,719 Just put them over there.