1 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,320 TWIGGY: Hey! 2 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,920 -Is this your mother? -Let me handle this. 3 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,680 No, I know her. 4 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:32,880 I said, is this your mother? 5 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:37,000 Well, let me see. One white paw? Yes, that looks like her. 6 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:38,960 She's been sitting in our kitchen for two days. 7 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,760 Let me do this. You should look after her better. 8 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,120 I could report you. 9 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:45,400 You know what, she always finds her own way back. 10 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,480 Poor old woman. 11 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,560 -Thank you! -TWIGGY: Come on, Leigh. 12 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,000 Will you be all right now, love? 13 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,800 Leigh, we can't keep her. 14 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:55,680 Well, you shouldn't feed her! 15 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,840 I can't believe she lives this close. We'll have to move. 16 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:02,840 I found them, dear. 17 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:05,120 -Who? -The Madonna and Guy Itchy. 18 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,840 It's not Madonna. Get in the house! 19 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:10,520 Get back in the house. Get in that house! 20 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:11,560 Help! Help! 21 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,880 (YELLING ANGRILY) You will take the bloody photos 22 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,720 and go out again, you stupid old woman! 23 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,640 And don't come back until you find them! 24 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:22,840 Was that Gran? 25 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:24,760 Yeah. I'm sending her out again, darling. 26 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,240 Mum! 27 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:29,560 Darling, I need Madonna and Guy Ritchie. 28 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,360 I mean, they might drive by sooner or later. 29 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,440 I know they live... They live in the area... 30 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,080 What? And they'll see you washing the car 31 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,720 and realise you share a common interest 32 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:37,800 and become best friends? 33 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,400 Darling, I just want to be in Madonna's inner circle, 34 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,520 sweetheart. 35 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,640 I want to huddle around her cool flame with 36 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,640 all those other over-excited girlfriends of hers, darling, 37 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,280 and hear her words of wisdom. 38 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,120 Lo, she has spoken! "Cowboy hats is back." 39 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,400 I'll tell you something, darling. 40 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:57,800 If the car washing doesn't work, 41 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,800 I'm putting the house on the market again. 42 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,800 I know she's still looking. 43 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,440 She'd love this kitchen. Mmm. 44 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:06,480 -What's happened? -My business has folded! 45 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,120 -What? -Oh, yeah, darling. 46 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,680 Down the pan and flushed. 47 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,200 Only, we've severed an artery and I'm hemorrhaging clients 48 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,520 at such a rate that death is now imminent. 49 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,080 But Madonna, darling... 50 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:20,920 Madonna could just be the little tourniquet, 51 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,480 couldn't she, sweetheart... 52 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:25,640 -It can't be as bad as that. -Can't be as bad as that? 53 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:29,040 Most of them have gone to Claudia-bloody-Bing! 54 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:32,200 She lapped them up like a vampire, sweetheart. 55 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,600 I mean, honestly, if it goes on like this, I might be left, 56 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:35,840 listen to this, darling... 57 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,560 I might be left with Twiggy 58 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:39,880 and Alcospray. 59 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,320 And by the look on Twiggy's face just now, 60 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,760 Twiggy's a bit like that. 61 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,840 I mean, it's a disaster. 62 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:49,280 Oh, come on, Mum. You always survive somehow. 63 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,720 Yeah, always survive somehow 64 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,440 but not any more, darling, not now the world has changed. 65 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,840 I mean, there was a time when I was out there. I was hip. 66 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:57,920 I was dangerous. 67 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:02,040 The zeitgeist blew from me, sweetheart. 68 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,040 I mean, I could pick up the lunch buzz at Momo 69 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:05,200 and fly with it, darling. 70 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,280 You know, the more money you spent, the more you made. 71 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,000 It was money on a loop. 72 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,000 But not any more, no. 73 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,120 Not any more, sweetheart. 74 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,520 Thanks to New Labour. 75 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,160 -Oh, no. -Oh, yes, darling. 76 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,280 The eternally grinning, funless world 77 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,760 of New Labour. 78 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,600 All that hope, all that future, darling, 79 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,560 but you know something, once the party's over, 80 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,960 you look around, you're still standing in the shit! 81 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,440 Nobody wants new things any more. 82 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,080 It's retro, retro, retro. 83 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:40,280 Darling, we are skidding backwards into the 2000s 84 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:41,400 on a slick of apology, 85 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,240 and that's not a world that thinks I'm that great! 86 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,200 -That is not the reason. -It is. 87 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:48,720 Well... 88 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:50,480 That and the fact that Bubble... 89 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:52,640 -Oh, here we go... -No, wait. 90 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,240 Bubble managed to push the wrong button and emailed 91 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:56,840 all my personal and my business letters 92 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:58,120 to my whole address book. 93 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:01,040 I mean, the whole world now knows my business. 94 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,040 That might have helped Claudia Bing a bit. 95 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,840 Why does that not surprise me? Come on, Mum. 96 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,640 Pull yourself together and deal with this! 97 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,560 -It can't be that bad. -Not that bad? 98 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,440 I've got a PR company with no clients 99 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,760 and a TV company with no programs! 100 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,800 What's the good news, Shirley Temple? 101 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,520 -Hello! -Hi, hi, hi! 102 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,240 Just here to say that later today, 103 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:24,400 we'll be leaving. 104 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:25,800 There is a God! 105 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,320 The Kaballah didn't quite work out for us 106 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,000 so we're gonna go home... 107 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,680 We're gonna have a little rethink. 108 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,920 There are plenty of places the stars go to find God. 109 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,240 God is now a dot com 110 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:40,160 and the stars are filling their baskets. 111 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,160 No, Bo. Just leave it. 112 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:43,720 You should spend more time at home. 113 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,920 I am not a Hollywood wife. 114 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,040 I can't do the meet and greet with a howdy smile. 115 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,480 I am not Candy Spelling. 116 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,360 We don't have a present-wrapping room. 117 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,040 I, um, I hardly recognised you just normal like this. 118 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,840 Hey, everybody's got a crowd of people inside of them. 119 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,520 I act out each one, yet I am myself. 120 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,640 "I am never alone, I am with myself." 121 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:08,640 Jane Fonda, series four, show 97. Oprah, 122 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,480 Well, goodbye and good riddance. 123 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,840 You're not gonna be missed. 124 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,640 Oh, bless you for your honesty. 125 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,280 Give me your hand, pretty lady. 126 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,040 No. Shut up! Have Saff. 127 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,920 What can I say? What can't be said can't be said, 128 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,320 and it can't be whistled either. 129 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,520 Come on. Let's go see some sights. 130 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,680 Okay. Oh, maybe we can stop by Jerry Hall's house. 131 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:28,680 (MOANS) 132 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,960 (CHUCKLES) Hold up, my little bonsai tree. 133 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,160 I know you have dreams of running with the redwoods, 134 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,840 but you wouldn't last a second out there on your own. 135 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,640 Mum, instead of hanging around here all day, 136 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,080 I suggest you get into the office. 137 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,120 Darling, I am in the office. 138 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:46,920 We're having a TV conference brainstorming meeting. 139 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,000 I feel that if I can get that side of it up and running, 140 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,120 darling, I might be able to flog it to some sucker. 141 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,840 But why can't they hear me? Hello? 142 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,040 Sorry. Is this game shows or general interest? 143 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:58,400 I don't know. 144 00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,680 But it's your idea. 145 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:00,720 Did I have an idea? 146 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,680 Whose pet is this? 147 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,160 -Whose pen is this? -Oh, that's good. 148 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,560 -I like that. -Keep it, then. 149 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,400 What's in my pocket? Where am I? 150 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:11,520 Whose hands are these? 151 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:13,960 Why are we here? 152 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,040 Why can't they hear me? Hello? Hello? 153 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,000 It's ridiculous. And where's Katy Grin? 154 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,280 She should bloody be there. 155 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,080 Do you want me to sort this Bing woman for you? 156 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,920 -Oh... -Always the hard man. 157 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,920 So, I'll have to go to the office now. 158 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,520 And hurry off. 159 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,080 Eddy, you need some fun, darling. Let's do something. 160 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,320 Let's go to Harvey Nicks and have lunch at Nobu. 161 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:34,720 Oh, we haven't done that for long. 162 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,320 All right, darling, I'll clear my desk. 163 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:37,240 Mum! 164 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,920 I've got to have a life, haven't I? 165 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,120 I mean, work should just be the little side salad. 166 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,720 Shouldn't it? 167 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,400 Hello. Alex? This is the mood board for next edition. 168 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,400 -Sex. Bitch. Aristo. -Punk. 169 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,960 -Sex. Punk. Whore. Bitch. -Prossie. 170 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,560 -Prossie. -Lessie. Punk. Tart. 171 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,560 -Slut. -Slut. 172 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,400 Oh, but Alex, Alex? With lovely shoes. 173 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,600 Oh, yes. 174 00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:59,000 There we are, darling. 175 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,760 Ooh, a little bit tense there, Eddy. 176 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,320 Yeah, darling. Relax, darling. 177 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,200 BOTH: Ooh... 178 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:06,280 -Ooh. -(CRACKING) 179 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,120 Ow, ow, ow, ow! 180 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,600 -Ow, Eddy! -What did you do? 181 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,360 -My arm! -What arm? 182 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,040 Oh, my God! 183 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:15,000 -Oh... -You've broken it! 184 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,160 -No. It's all right. -She can't have broken it. 185 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,520 Eddy, just, just get my bag. 186 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,600 I've got a few painkillers in there, I think, darling. 187 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,640 You couldn't have broken your arm... 188 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:29,920 -Where is it, darling? -Here, sweetheart, this? This? 189 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,760 -Oh, that's the one, darling. -Oh! 190 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:32,960 Oh! 191 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,320 (GROANS) 192 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:38,360 Stop it! 193 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,200 You need to go to a hospital. 194 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,480 No, no. I think I can do it. I just go... 195 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,760 -(CRACKING SOUND) -Oh! 196 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:45,920 (EXCLAIMING) 197 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,640 I'll get a bandage! 198 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,440 No it's all right. It's just a little break. 199 00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,080 These things happen. 200 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:01,000 But, darling, you weren't doing anything. 201 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,320 Just the choppety chop. (MUMBLES) 202 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:04,880 (SIGHS) Last week I cracked my ankle 203 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,360 just putting it into a Jimmy Choo. 204 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,000 -Oh! -What? 205 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,720 You need to see a doctor. You need to have some tests. 206 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,080 -No, it's all right. -Oh, darling... 207 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,840 Maybe I should take her to the hospital. 208 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,600 Oh, no, I just need a drink. 209 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:18,680 Mum, I will deal with this. 210 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,560 -I'll take care of the... -No, Mum, go work now! 211 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,360 (SIGHS) 212 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,280 I should have seen this coming. 213 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,480 (WHIMPERING) Saffy, Saff. Saffy. 214 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:29,760 Saff, darling. 215 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,080 (GASPS) 216 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,200 -Come on. -Oh. 217 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:41,120 Yes, I know I'm late, so don't look at me like that. 218 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,400 I've been up all night with the baby. 219 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,200 I don't know why it cries so much. 220 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,480 I've got friends who use exactly the same sperm bank 221 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:48,800 and theirs is perfect. 222 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,960 Right. Ideas! 223 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,400 Give me names, faces, formats. 224 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,800 -(STAMMERS) A quiz! -With questions. 225 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,760 Personalities, celebrities. 226 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,560 Donna Air, Cat Deeley. 227 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,680 You can pick any one of the clones. 228 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,360 There once was an Anneka, who begat an Ulrika, 229 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,040 from whose career dip sprung a Davina. 230 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,800 All squirted from the same hole. 231 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,760 Like herpes they spread from TV-am, 232 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,400 armed only with the charm of incompetence. 233 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,440 I mean, if there's any presenting to be done, 234 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:20,480 I'm doing it! 235 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,120 For Christ's sake! 236 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,600 If there's an earpiece to be worn, I'm wearing it! 237 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,200 -Candy! -Oh, Eds, darling. 238 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:30,240 Oh, darling! 239 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:32,880 Is Pats not with you? 240 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,960 No. She's got a bit of trouble. 241 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,200 Damn. Minge and I are trying to get a group of us 242 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,000 to go to Annabel's after the Vidal Sassoon gala. 243 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,840 -The Hair Ball? -Mmm. 244 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,560 It's gonna be rather a laugh actually. 245 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:44,960 Hugh Grant's going to be there. 246 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,400 Mick Jagger. Mind you, 247 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,920 I know Mick Jagger's a jumping scrotum with lips now, 248 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,680 but I know that Patsy likes him. 249 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,640 And Hugh's improved immeasurably since he lost 250 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:53,720 the old flop. 251 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,280 -Liz Hurley? -No. His hair. 252 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,160 -Oh, his hair. His hair. -Are you going to come? 253 00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,720 Yeah, will see you down there later. 254 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,760 Eh-oh, stinky winky. I think he needs a drink. 255 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,560 -His nose is very dry. -Leave him alone. 256 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,080 -See you later. -See you later. 257 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,560 You, Bubble. Listen... 258 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,880 You're still here? 259 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,840 Oh, God. Claudi-bloody-Bing. 260 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,680 What do you want? Come to gawk? 261 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,760 Come to squeeze the last drop of blood from the kill? 262 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,080 No. Hold that. 263 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,600 I just thought I'd see how big this office is. 264 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,200 I mean, if you're going out of business, 265 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,240 I might be interested. 266 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,720 Ow! 267 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,000 I can't stay. I just thought I'd pop my head in 268 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,160 to say hi and thank you. 269 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:34,360 What a day I've got, thanks to you. Let's see. 270 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:39,960 De La Soul press junket. A relaunch and a re-lunch. 271 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,120 A Versace golf tournament. 272 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,280 Free Tibet Gala Dinner, yum yum. 273 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,320 A press night. A premiere. Photocall. A promotion. 274 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,720 I've got M.E. And M.S., which is wonderful. 275 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,560 -You go to the palace. -Yeah, I know! 276 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,120 I've sat next to Camilla twice now. 277 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,600 D'ya know, she's almost pretty in the flesh. 278 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,360 I adore Davina McCall's baby. 279 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,640 But, frankly, you can keep Alan Titchmarsh, 280 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,320 Vagina Monologues, and drug abuse. 281 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,040 Edina, I feel awfully bad. 282 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,080 Well, don't. I've been in tighter spots. 283 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,600 I shall rise like a phoenix from the ashes with... Twiggy. 284 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,840 -Oh, dear. -Claudia, you're here. 285 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,200 -Twiggy! -Twiggy! 286 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,320 Now look, Edina, I've just come to tell you 287 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:19,720 I'm going with Claudia now. 288 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,160 -But, but... -But what? You deserve this. 289 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,440 You're one of the most selfish, 290 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,960 thoughtless people I've ever met. 291 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,720 -Look to your right. -It's always you, you... 292 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:28,920 You orbit Planet You. 293 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,160 You are your own moon. You moon yourself. 294 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,840 Thank God. It's not a sight I'd relish. 295 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:35,880 What have you done for me? You've done nothing! 296 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:37,560 Oh, what was it? Fisting... 297 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,600 Fists Across America. Gay Pride. 298 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:43,000 Oh, don't start. Look, I'm really sorry, Claudia. 299 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,400 No, no, don't worry. All this is just touching the G-spot. 300 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,320 Come on, Twigs. Have you got your bikini? 301 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,520 We're doing a swimathon for poorly goldfish. 302 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,400 -Aw. The ones in the news? -Yes. 303 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,840 Ah. Oh, by the way. Your mum's back with us now. 304 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,000 And I told Leigh he can keep her this time. 305 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,960 Oh, every cloud does have a silver lining. 306 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,240 Again! Again! 307 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:02,880 (YELPING WITH PAIN) 308 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,160 EDINA: Psst! Darling? 309 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,160 -How's the patient? -Mum, can you sit down? 310 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,000 Hello, darling. Oh, darling. Twiggy's left me. 311 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,280 -Aww. -Aww... 312 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:20,320 -But I saw Candy. -Oh. 313 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,840 -Are we going to the Hair Ball? -Oh... 314 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,880 Mick's gonna be there. There's gonna be an auction. 315 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,200 Oh, darling, I don't think I can. 316 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,640 But I might phone in a couple of bids. 317 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,800 -Mum. -Did you go to the hospital? 318 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,680 -Yes. And to the gynecologist. -I hate gynecologists. 319 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,920 A man who can look you in the vagina, but never in the eye. 320 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,160 EDINA: Yes. 321 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,440 I hate them. 322 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,800 I mean mine, darling, he hangs around between women's legs 323 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,480 like most men hang out in a garage. Just tinkering. 324 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,560 Just tinkers! 325 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,840 -Mum? -Yeah. 326 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,400 Patsy's got osteoporosis. 327 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,080 She has the lowest bone density on record. 328 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,560 Oh, cheers. Well done, darling. Well done. 329 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,600 She is just gristle clinging on to bone powder! 330 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,920 This is what happens when you have the menopause. 331 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,320 -No! -No! No! 332 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,360 -No, darling, no. It can't be. -I'm 42. 333 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,400 She's 42! 334 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,360 Besides that, darling, she's never had all the... 335 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,440 You've never had an ovary. 336 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,040 That's what the doctor in Algiers said. 337 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,560 -Yeah... -I've always had thin bones. 338 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,040 It's nothing to do with anything. 339 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,600 Anyway, darling, you just get a patch, don't you? 340 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,120 Just get a patch! Mum, there are side effects. 341 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,160 How many times have I nearly overdosed? 342 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,760 I think I can survive a patch! 343 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,680 (LAUGHS) 344 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:31,840 No! 345 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,000 No. Now I think you should be aware of all the options. 346 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,760 And am thinking of you as well, Mum. 347 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,280 -No, darling. -It will happen, Mum. 348 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,320 EDINA: No... 349 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,160 That's why I've organised a meeting upstairs. 350 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,680 -What meeting? -The local M.A. 351 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,040 -Ma? -Ma? 352 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,160 Menopausals Anonymous. 353 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,400 -(GASPS) -No, sweetheart! 354 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,360 No! 355 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,880 You will do this. 356 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,280 You will learn about this and you will take control. 357 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,840 Because, frankly, if you don't... 358 00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,400 (BELL CHIMES) 359 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:00,320 Saffy! 360 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,080 All gone, darling. 361 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:05,440 All gone, darling. 362 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:08,440 Go get it. 363 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,160 Shh! Shh! 364 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,760 Shh! Shh! 365 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,000 (BONE CRACKS) 366 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,800 -My leg! -A splint, darling! 367 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,640 And a sp... spliff. 368 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:23,880 (LAUGHS) 369 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:26,440 A spliff and a splint! 370 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,600 (SNAPPING) Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart. 371 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:29,720 What happened then? 372 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:31,920 My life just flashed in front of me. 373 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,360 What was it like, darling? A Bergman film without the jokes? 374 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,800 (BOTH LAUGHING) 375 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,040 Oh! Did you say there are menopausals upstairs, darling? 376 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,640 -Yes. -On my furniture? 377 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,360 Are you mad? 378 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,400 Where are the bin bags? Where are the bin bags? 379 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:48,680 I've read about them, darling. 380 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,760 One sneeze and the floodgates open. 381 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,880 Bin bags! 382 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,760 We'll just pack quickly and go home. 383 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,040 Okay, honey. 384 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,960 (SNIFFING) 385 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,960 -Leave it, Bo. -I smell a group. 386 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,720 Leave it, Bo. 387 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,520 You go ahead and pack. I'll be right with you. 388 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:07,680 (CONTINUES SNIFFING) 389 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,440 -(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) -(GASPING) 390 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,280 All right, bin bags. Everyone sit on a bin bag. 391 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,240 Sit on a bin bag. Body coasters. 392 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,640 Body coasters, everyone. 393 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,760 You, off there, on a bloody bin bag. 394 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,160 Get on the bin bags. 395 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,440 -Are you not staying, darling? -Oh, no. I'm all right. 396 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,520 Gone through it already, I suppose. 397 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,000 No! 398 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,320 I think we should leave. 399 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,800 I can feel the hormones being leeched from me as we speak. 400 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,520 You wanna watch it, you'll just leave here 401 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:37,560 being worn as a patch. 402 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,080 -Sit down! -Eddie I don't want to stay 403 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,040 here with this sweaty load of fanny-obsessed heifers. 404 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:43,480 No. 405 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:45,560 EDINA: Sitting on my furniture. 406 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,960 Come on, let's go. Let's go. 407 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,280 Damn! Damn! 408 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,200 Oh, God. 409 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,360 Right, everyone, let's kick off. 410 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,280 No. I'm taking the meeting. 411 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:58,520 (CHUCKLES) 412 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,080 Catriona, lovey? 413 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,840 Right. My name is Catriona. 414 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:06,400 Um, I don't think that I have actually got the menopause. 415 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,760 Um, although I do have to do the checklist 416 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,280 before I leave the house 417 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,760 to ensure I don't go out without my trousers on. 418 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:14,880 Again. 419 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,960 I'm sensing denial. 420 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,680 I'm sensing armpit. 421 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:24,000 I'm sensing pubic sideburns and sweaty ones at that. 422 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:26,560 Hello. My name is Beth de Woody. 423 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,440 I just want to share a few horrors. 424 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,080 At night, I can't sleep, 425 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,560 but at the wheel of a speeding car, I'm out like a light. 426 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:38,400 Does anyone else have symptoms from these pills? 427 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,520 Like, I don't know, um, three nipples? 428 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,480 Yeah. 429 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,560 All right. Hello. My name is Beth de Woody. 430 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,600 I'm have three heart attacks a day 431 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,440 and my skin thinks it's in the Congo. 432 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,600 Otherwise, I'm fine. 433 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,040 My doctor says I should stop taking the pills, 434 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,560 but that's what a man would say. 435 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:54,800 I mean, what do they have to do, 436 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:57,440 let their belt out a couple of notches and join a golf club! 437 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,520 There are alternatives. 438 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,760 No. Not the testosterone implant. 439 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:06,040 -For some people they work. -Oh, yeah. 440 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,680 Tell that to Marly Quinberg. 441 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,360 They turned her into a overheated sex maniac. 442 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:13,280 But I've got them. She should come and see me. 443 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,200 The woman cannot walk. 444 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,360 Overheated and oversexed. 445 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:21,480 She gave herself an accidental cliterectomy with a hand fan! 446 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,280 Hi. Hi. I'm Bo Chrysalis. 447 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,920 Could I just ask what this meeting's for? 448 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,720 Is this angry divorcees or... 449 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,400 Croning? 450 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,440 No. The menopause, Bo. 451 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,240 Oh. We don't have that in America. 452 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,760 We don't believe in it. Certainly not in L.A. 453 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,960 -What? Are you nuts? -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 454 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,320 Sisters, come on, come on! This meeting's going nowhere. 455 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:52,760 My name is Jobo and I'm happy to be having the menopause. 456 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,240 I have hot flushes and memory loss. 457 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,160 -Well done! -(CLAPPING) 458 00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:01,200 And sometimes when I sneeze, I pee. 459 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,840 Beth de Woody. 460 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:08,360 The sands of time are trickling through my hourglass! 461 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,600 Patsy Stone. I hope you're wearing thick pants! 462 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:11,800 Yes! 463 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:17,280 Edina Monsoon. Stand on the bloody bin bag! 464 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:20,880 God! 465 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,000 Womb prayer, everybody. Womb prayer. 466 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,120 EDINA: No! 467 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,560 ALL: Embrace the dryness. 468 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,560 Love your womb. 469 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,760 Come down, Lilith, and suck up our juices 470 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,320 and blow back wisdom! 471 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,400 -Group hug, everyone. -EDINA: No! No! 472 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,440 Saff! Saff! 473 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,840 (BONE CRACKING) 474 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,040 God, who was that? 475 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,880 Beth de Woody! 476 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,000 Marshall, Marshall, where do the stars go 477 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,160 to have the menopause? 478 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,320 Montana, and a small clinic in Arizona. 479 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,760 Well, hitch up the horses. We're going west. 480 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:02,680 Oh! 481 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,200 Are you going into the office? 482 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,720 Yeah. I suppose I'll have to. 483 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,960 See if I can make Alcospray into... (MUMBLES) 484 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,720 What is it? I've never heard of it. 485 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,680 Oh, thank you. 486 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,600 It's spray booze, darling. Great for kids. 487 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,000 Come on, what is it you always say? 488 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,480 Bad is the new good, crap is the new fantastic. 489 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:23,840 This is what you're good at. 490 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,240 All I used to be good at, darling. 491 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,440 I mean, I can't cook. I can't knit. I can't sew. 492 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:29,520 I can't sing. 493 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,400 Thank God. 494 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,040 Is there anything I can do? 495 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,320 Yeah, well, that is a 64 million dollar question, 496 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:36,440 isn't it, darling? 497 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,760 We'd all like to know that. 498 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,960 Uh, I need some brain food, darling. 499 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,280 Get me some wheatgerm and some grass juice. 500 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:44,320 No. 501 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,000 What am I supposed to do, then? 502 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,680 Why don't you go and suck a lawn? 503 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:48,920 Oh! 504 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,840 Because, darling, by the time I got there, 505 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,960 Claudia Bing would already have it sucked, that's why. 506 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,680 -Morning, Ed. -Oh, morning, Pats. 507 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,280 Did she stay over? 508 00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,440 Sweetheart, she couldn't remember where she lived, 509 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,600 and I thought it was safer, you know. 510 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,680 Also, now that Bo and Marshall... 511 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:05,600 No. 512 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,240 -Lovely empty spare room. -No! 513 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,720 -Yeah, but... -No. 514 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,680 Damn you. How are you doing with the patch? 515 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,120 -Oh, I feel bit better. -Yeah? 516 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:15,040 Yes, well, you'll need a new one. 517 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,720 -Is the old one still there? -Why don't you look? 518 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,080 She might crack her neck, darling. 519 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,160 This is the last time I do this. 520 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:25,200 (RIPPING) 521 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:27,240 (SLAPPING) 522 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,960 -Oh, pills! -Oh, pills! 523 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,200 -Alternative remedies. -BOTH: Oh... 524 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,880 FHT, DDT, MYT, 525 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,400 belladonna, ergotamine, black kohosh, and dong. 526 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,840 Ooh! Dong! Thank you, nurse. 527 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,760 Dong. 528 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,040 Anything to bring you back from 529 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,240 the freeze-dried granules, darling. 530 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,480 What are you doing today? 531 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,000 I thought I'd ring and find out 532 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,720 if I got anything at the auction. 533 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,920 I'll see you later. I've got to go in the office. 534 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,360 I think I'm going to sell off the old TV thing, you know. 535 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,320 It's losing me more money than Pearl Harbor. 536 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,760 I tell I you something, if I don't, darling... 537 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,920 (CLANGING) 538 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,360 The death knell ringeth. 539 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:25,600 "Eh-oh. Alcospray gone bust. Me tubby bye-bye." 540 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,440 Oh, hello. Bubble's gone, but if there's anything you need, 541 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:30,600 I'm here. 542 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,080 I don't know why you employed her. 543 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:33,800 I don't know. 544 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,920 She was like a little work of art, you know... 545 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,800 A sort of conceptual installation, 546 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,800 the concept of a PA. 547 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,560 But frankly, I'd have been better off 548 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,320 with a painting of a secretary. 549 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:48,320 -Very pretty cardigan. -No. 550 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,760 We've also got theoretical marketing strategies 551 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,480 and global internet tie-ins. 552 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,360 So all we need is the programmes. 553 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,920 Oh, and we had one idea today, which was a quiz. 554 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,800 What are you talking about? Why are you still here? 555 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,720 -Show me that. -No, no. 556 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,840 Damn you, damn you. 557 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,640 -Is it a TV company? -No. 558 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,120 No, it's not a TV company. 559 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,440 It's a multinational media, cable and satellite network 560 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,080 with Murdoch airspace 561 00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,440 and strategic programming WAP tie-ins. 562 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:22,560 Yeah. 563 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,800 I own some pretty expensive air up there. 564 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:29,200 -You sneaky little... -I am branded. Sss! 565 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,320 You may have all the meat, all the celebrity cattle, 566 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,880 but, frankly, you know something, 567 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,240 I was quite glad to offload them. 568 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:35,600 -Oh! -Yeah. 569 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,040 This is the future, babe. This is the future. 570 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,200 We're in pre-pre... 571 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,560 Almost pre-production for quizzes. 572 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:47,240 We've got... Uh... Have I Got Shoes For You. 573 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,640 Donatella's on hold for that one. 574 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,280 I mean, this is bigger than all the dot coms put together. 575 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,000 I'm surprised you're not into this. 576 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,280 -Oh, my God! -What? 577 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,760 -What? -Is it? 578 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:56,960 -What? -Is it... 579 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,320 I don't believe it. Katy Grin. 580 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:01,960 Yes. She's my TV partner. 581 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,960 But I love her. I used to watch her on Blue Peter. 582 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,200 -Hello, Katy. -Hello. 583 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,440 Claudia Bing. Bing, Bing, Bing And Bing. 584 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:14,920 -I've got a Badge. Blue Peter -Really? Well done! 585 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,040 -Listen. I've got to go. -Go? 586 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:20,240 I'm sorry. I'm selling my half of the company. 587 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:23,120 I've decided that Katy needs to get her face back on TV. 588 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,600 -Where it belongs. -Of course she does. 589 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,560 I think I could help. 590 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,480 No. No. I know what you're up to. 591 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,120 Sell me your half of the company. 592 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:35,240 I'll get you back on TV. I've got Dale Winton in my pocket. 593 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,560 -Done! -Hurrah! 594 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,520 Oh, no! 595 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,480 I will not be partners with her. 596 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,000 Hard cheese. Tell you what. 597 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,240 To get you back on your feet, 598 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:45,880 why don't have I the whole thing 599 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,920 and throw in couple of celebs, a Kylie or two? 600 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,960 -I don't know. -Mmm? 601 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,840 Um... 602 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:54,440 All right. I suppose I have to. Look... 603 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:55,960 Kylie and a couple of the cancers, 604 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,480 and for old times' sake, Lulu. 605 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,800 Done! My people will talk to your... 606 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:00,720 To you! 607 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,360 I want to show you my badge. 608 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:05,640 Ooh! 609 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,040 What happened? 610 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:10,560 Yes! We're back in business. Back in business. Bubble... 611 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,160 Take the desk. Take the desk. 612 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,680 Memo to Lulu. The boat that you row may cross no ocean, 613 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:21,280 but I'll get you a British Airways ad. 614 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:29,240 Mmm. 615 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,520 A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. 616 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,240 I think I'm feeling a little fullness. 617 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,240 You can't have in two days. 618 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,000 Have you finished pithing that orange? 619 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:40,400 Yes. 620 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,040 There are pans to be washed, Saffy, my darling. 621 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,080 You can't hang around me all day in my languorous wake, 622 00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:48,040 taking in the nutmeggy fumes. 623 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,240 Oh, how I'm longing to see my browning loaf. 624 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:53,400 (SIGHING) 625 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,720 You're making so much mess. 626 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,760 Oh, my cuticles. Will you look at those? 627 00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,520 I've so neglected them. They look terrible. 628 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:00,600 (BEEPING) 629 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:01,760 Oh! 630 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,600 Apple-syrup upside-down pie! 631 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,320 I, uh... I think you need to get your levels checked. 632 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:11,320 You should go back to the gynecologist. 633 00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,160 (HUMMING) 634 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,040 There we are. 635 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,080 I think your levels might be too strong. 636 00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,360 What are you saying? Martin said I'm perfect. 637 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,440 I went to see him today. He managed to squeeze me in 638 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,440 between a cyst and a hysterectomy. 639 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,600 Now, can I have the icing sugar, please? And I'll do it. 640 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,720 Your sieving skills let you down before. 641 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,720 -Why are you doing this? -Don't you like me as I am? 642 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,120 With hormones, I hate you more. 643 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,080 Hello, darling. Had a good day at the office? 644 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:39,360 Yes, darling. Fantastic. 645 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,960 -Mum, do something! -Darling, go wash your hands. 646 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,840 We're having TV dinners on trays in front of the telly. 647 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:45,720 Ooh! 648 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,520 # Don't go breaking my heart 649 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:55,240 # I couldn't if I tried 650 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,880 # Oh, honey, I get restless 651 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,000 # Well, you're not that kind 652 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:08,000 -I do like her hair. -Do you? 653 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,480 # You take the weight off of me 654 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,480 # Oh, honey, when you knocked at my door 655 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,160 # Ooh, I gave you my key 656 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,280 # Ooh-ooh 657 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,360 # Nobody knows it 658 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,160 Mmm. 659 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,000 -Wipe your mouth, Eddy. -Oh. 660 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,880 Darling, do you want champagne? 661 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:34,160 # Ooh-ooh 662 00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,400 # Nobody knows it 663 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,920 # Nobody knows it # 664 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,560 I'm so glad we didn't go out tonight. 665 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,200 I've got something important to tell you. 666 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,800 -What? -It is a little bit special. 667 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,600 -Are you all right, darling? -Darling, I am much blessed. 668 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:51,760 Why? 669 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:53,760 -I'm going to have a baby. -No! 670 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,280 -You can't! -I can! 671 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,000 They found one egg at the hospital. 672 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,480 But, darling, you haven't even got any ovaries. 673 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,600 -What the doctor... -Yes, they were just hidden. 674 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,480 They found a couple lodged up under my ribs. 675 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:10,880 That silly Arab doctor left them. 676 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,920 I am going to have a baby. 677 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,760 What about all the little sperm, darling? 678 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,640 I put in a successful bid at the auction. 679 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,360 I've got a little vial of Mick Jagger's. 680 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:21,400 Good old Mick. I thought 681 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,120 we could put the two together tonight 682 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,400 and have a re-planting ceremony. 683 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:26,680 (GAGGING) 684 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:28,600 What do you mean? Wh... Where are they? 685 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,360 -In the fridge downstairs. -No! 686 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,520 No child should suffer you. 687 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,360 Yeah but, darling, think about it. Patsy's hair, Mick's lips. 688 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:46,360 No. 689 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,560 -I want the spare room. -No. 690 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,360 No, no, 691 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:57,160 no! 692 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,160 (GASPING) 693 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,560 -Cheers, sweetie. -Cheers, darling. 694 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,000 Have you got something in the oven? 695 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:04,320 An upside-down-y pie burning? 696 00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:05,760 -Or something... -Oh! 697 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,200 Ed, one should never be the oldest thing in one's house. 698 00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:10,040 I'm not, darling. I've got Saff. 699 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:40,400 Saff! 700 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:41,920 -Saff! -Saffy! 701 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,520 Saffy! 702 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:46,680 Patsy needs changing, darling! Darling! 703 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:48,320 Patsy needs changing! 704 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:54,240 Eddy, let's dance, Eddy. Let's dance. Let's dance, Eddy. 705 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:56,360 -(MONITOR BEEPING) -Let's dance, Eddy. Let's go. 706 00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:57,920 Let's dance. 707 00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,360 (SINGS) # Don't go breaking my heart 708 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,400 -#Don't go breaking my heart. -#Look at my shoes... 709 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,640 # Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried... # 710 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:05,920 (INDISTINCT SINGING) 711 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:14,120 Oh, Eddy. Let's have some Bolly, darling. Some Bolly. 712 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,200 (LAUGHING) 713 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:18,040 Let's have some Bolly and go and see Mick. 714 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:19,200 He'll be there. (LAUGHS) 715 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:23,280 There we are, Ed. 716 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:24,720 (POPS)