1 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:13,245 BUBBLE: So I went on to this bar and I was really hammered. 2 00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:17,116 Which was mad! And I'm going, "Way!" 3 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,250 And he says, "Hello, ma'am." 4 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,453 Just went, "Way!" It's so funny. 5 00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,155 Ah, so funny. (CHUCKLES) 6 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,090 And then we went on to this other bar. 7 00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:27,126 I saw this vomit on me shoe. 8 00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:29,228 And I thought... 9 00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:34,466 Then I vomit on meself. (LAUGHS) 10 00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:39,138 And they're all cracking up and I'm going, "Shut up and get the basin!" 11 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:43,042 Anyhoo, thinking, "Well, it would be rude not to. 12 00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:44,243 "So I net the lot." (LAUGHING) 13 00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,712 Now, I don't remember anything about the hour after that, 14 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:49,214 which was just brilliant, I'm told. 15 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:52,518 And then, I, just about... (SPLASH) 16 00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,818 (MACHINE WHIRRING) 17 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:31,290 Come on, swim, Eddy, swim! 18 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:35,461 Turn that off. I'm only in here because I want to pee! 19 00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:37,296 Turn it off! 20 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:39,698 Ah. That's better. 21 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,667 -Do you want a prawn, Eddy? -Oh, yeah. 22 00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:43,102 Throw Flipper a prawn. 23 00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,570 (MAKING ANIMAL NOISES) 24 00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:50,042 You can always get your toes sewn together, Eddy, it'll help you swim. 25 00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:53,112 (SIGHS) I love my new bathroom. 26 00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:54,213 Is this the shower I told you to buy? 27 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:57,282 Oh, yeah, darling. That baby rocks, let me tell you. 28 00:01:57,284 --> 00:02:00,419 I mean, that is a shower, a sauna, a massage, 29 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:04,256 depilatation, exfoliation, sound system. It's fantastic! 30 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,391 (CHUCKLES) Gives you a full wash and wax 31 00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:09,128 and it polishes your hubcaps at the same time. 32 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:12,331 (SIGHS) You have to be careful with the wax cycle, though. 33 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:15,434 Came out yesterday, I'd been bearded by my pubes. 34 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:17,035 (PATSY LAUGHS) 35 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,139 That's the seeing-eye toilet, that one. 36 00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:22,407 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah, gives you a full wash and dry, 37 00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:24,476 tests you for diabetes. Whoo-hoo! 38 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:28,447 In Bangkok, you can get one that inserts a cigarette. 39 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,048 (CHUCKLES) 40 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:31,517 -Fantastic. -(TOILET FLUSHES) 41 00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,585 Oh! Oh, what happened? 42 00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:34,653 You moved, darling. 43 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,089 I haven't moved since 1973. 44 00:02:37,091 --> 00:02:38,557 (BOTH LAUGHING) 45 00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:47,733 Darling, did I tell you it's got Internet access and a videophone as well? 46 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:48,500 -Eddy? -Yeah? 47 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:52,471 Eddy, look. Can I get away with this mouth? 48 00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:54,706 (SQUEAKING) 49 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,310 Only in L.A., darling. 50 00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,579 Ah, one's bleeding a little round the edges. 51 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:01,480 It's haemorrhaging. 52 00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:04,550 Oh, damn. I have to see the collagen man today. 53 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:05,751 Eddy, I might have to use you as a donor. 54 00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:08,754 I don't think I've got enough left. (CHUCKLES) 55 00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:09,788 (SMACKING) My arse on your face? 56 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,657 -(CHUCKLES) -Darling, come on, hurry up. 57 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:13,325 We've got a lot to do today. We're on the razz! 58 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:17,429 Who knows when that little bitch troll from hell's gonna turn up! 59 00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:18,030 Towels! Towels! 60 00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:20,299 I haven't... (COUGHS) I haven't heard anything from Saffy, darling. 61 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,701 -We've got to burn every day as if it's our last, babe. -Yeah. 62 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:28,106 We've gotta saddle up the wild stallions and ride 'em out! 63 00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:29,541 Hitch. 64 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:33,445 It's still doing my feet. 65 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:37,015 I'm hungry and ravenous for the pleasures of now! 66 00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:38,784 EDINA:Yes! (CHUCKLES) 67 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:39,585 (DOORBELL BUZZING) 68 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:43,121 -Oh, what's that? -Well, that'll be your tan. 69 00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:50,062 -Light oak, antique pine... -I don't like those ones. 70 00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:51,830 -No, no. -What's that shiny one? 71 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,732 Patent leather. That's for body builders. 72 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,167 -Oh, no. -Oh, I can't do that one. 73 00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,468 -What about this one? -Yeah, this one. 74 00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,070 -The Donatella collection? -Yeah. 75 00:03:58,072 --> 00:04:00,038 But what about the crocodile skin? 76 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:00,973 That's Valentino. 77 00:04:00,975 --> 00:04:04,309 -I think we want winter Donatella. -That one. 78 00:04:04,311 --> 00:04:05,244 -That one. -Right. 79 00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,446 -(INHALES) -Hmm. Right. 80 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,047 Stand against the wall, please. 81 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,350 I hope you're better at this than you are at St Tropez. 82 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:15,988 It's hard to tell how many coats a pasty white pudding like you will need. 83 00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:17,289 Was it too dark? 84 00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:20,125 Let's just say I narrowly avoided two arranged marriages 85 00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:23,061 and an audition for Bombay Dreams. 86 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,696 Am I doing just the face? 87 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,732 PATSY: No, no, all over, Eddy. 88 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:27,532 With or without pants? 89 00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:30,602 With pants. I don't mind having a mark. 90 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,104 Without! 91 00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:35,240 Pants off. 92 00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:43,282 Right. I'll need a bigger nozzle. 93 00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:44,616 (MOUTHING) 94 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:50,722 (CLICKING MACHINE) 95 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,291 Any last words? 96 00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:54,126 Yes. I'm... 97 00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:58,030 Oh, that's a good shade, Eddy. 98 00:04:58,032 --> 00:04:59,164 Eddy, pants off. 99 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:01,566 I have got my pants off. 100 00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:05,037 Lift the belly up, dear, so I can get under. 101 00:05:05,039 --> 00:05:08,774 You don't want to look like marble cake. 102 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:12,010 Come on. Lift it, lift it. 103 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:15,414 Now turn around. Pull everything apart. 104 00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:20,285 Where's that daughter of yours, still away in Iraq? 105 00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:21,653 Yeah, we think so. 106 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,355 Keep turning. Keep up, woman. 107 00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:28,226 What was it she went to do? I keep trying to remember to tell all my friends. 108 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:30,262 -Human shield! -Just spray. 109 00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:34,466 Are you going anywhere nice on your holiday this year? 110 00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:35,434 Oh, shut up! 111 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:39,504 It's customer service. I am trained, you know. 112 00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:42,641 Okay, you're done. 113 00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:48,680 There you are, Eddy. Told you it was the best. 114 00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:53,085 You better do something about your arse, Eddy. 115 00:05:53,087 --> 00:05:56,188 But, darling, I'm wearing the shaping pants. 116 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:56,755 Yeah, but what shape? 117 00:05:56,757 --> 00:06:00,025 I mean, you know, it doesn't look as if "buttock" is in their repertoire. 118 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:00,392 Oh, stop it. 119 00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:03,295 It's a whole pulley system. You have to tighten them up here. 120 00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:09,134 I can't wear them any higher or I'll be using them as a headrest! 121 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,069 Anyway, I got a good bum, ain't I? 122 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:14,773 I don't want a great, big fat bum like J.Lo, do I, darling? 123 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,376 I mean, how high have that woman's heels got 124 00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:20,345 to keep that nancy off the pavement now? 125 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:26,017 Oh! Why is it such a mess in here still? 126 00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:26,551 Mmm, book a cleaner. 127 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:27,986 I booked a cleaner! I booked a cleaner every day 128 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:31,656 for the last six months, darling. It's just no one turns up. 129 00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:32,791 Why would they just go? 130 00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,626 -We could always go to Jeremy's penthouse. -Huh? 131 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:38,029 Yeah, he's going to be in Tokyo indefinitely. He gave me the keys. 132 00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,731 -Well, who's running the shop? -I am. 133 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,367 I did that little management course, you know. 134 00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,702 Buy, sell, hire, and fire. 135 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,103 -Mmm. -You know, the secret is, Eddy, 136 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,072 is you got to hire people while they're still in awe of you, 137 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:51,176 treat 'em like shit and then sack 'em before they despise you. 138 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,044 That's fantastic. 139 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:55,313 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. 140 00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,648 Would you like to see my new telly, darling? 141 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:57,682 -Right now? -Like that. 142 00:06:57,684 --> 00:07:00,185 Journalist and presenter, Katy Grin. 143 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,721 Thank you, Fern. - (CHATTING INDISTINCTLY) 144 00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:04,723 Oh, shit! 145 00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:09,761 Katy, you've got this new book out called My Iraq: An Account. 146 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:10,962 Yes, well, it's called My Iraq, 147 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:15,233 but really it's collection of reminiscences from various journalists 148 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,067 and members of the public. 149 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:19,771 Because you, of course, were sent out to be embedded with the troops, 150 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:20,772 but then you never quite made it. 151 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,041 Yes, well, I just landed in Kuwait, 152 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:26,411 and was giving my first report back for GMTV, 153 00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:29,714 when the elasticated toggle... (SIGHS)...on the bottom of my fatigues, 154 00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:33,752 which you have to pull tight to stop your pants filling with sand, 155 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:39,691 got caught in the caterpillar tracks of a passing American tank. 156 00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,695 I, I was pulled under. 157 00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:44,996 I think, actually, we've got that clip. 158 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:48,333 If you have a look at this, you actually talk us through it. 159 00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,168 Good morning, Eamonn! 160 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:54,339 And as you can see, I'm here in... (SCREAMS) 161 00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:00,345 Can you believe I still represent that woman? 162 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:03,482 She's stuck to my arse like an old barnacle. 163 00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:04,950 -Who else have you got? -(SIGHS) Oh, darling, 164 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:10,021 it's just Baby Spice, Queen Noor and the cast of Cutting It now. 165 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,490 -Lulu? -No, she left me, darling. 166 00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:14,493 -She said she despised me! -You should have sacked her! 167 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:15,227 I know I should have. 168 00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:17,596 Oh, darling, don't talk about that. Don't even think about it. 169 00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,130 -No talk of work today. -No, no talk of work. 170 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:20,999 Today, darling, we're gonna give ourselves some big treats. 171 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,969 -Oh, yeah. -Today, we're gonna have some serious fun! 172 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:24,402 Yes, darling! 173 00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,104 -Like yesterday. Yesterday was serious fun, wasn't it? -Yeah. 174 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:30,141 In fact, darling, every day since Saffy's been gone has been serious fun, isn't it? 175 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:30,775 Yeah, it's fantastic! 176 00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:32,644 -We can do anything we want! -Yeah, we can, darling. 177 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:36,648 -Because nothing is naughty if teacher ain't here. -No, nothing! 178 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,650 Hey! Nothing is a sin! 179 00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:40,218 -We are in paradise. -Yeah. 180 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:43,088 -We are eating of (GRUFFLY) the forbidden fruit. -Yeah, darling. 181 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,323 Forbidden food. Every day is just a pick and mix. 182 00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:49,694 All you can eat for 50 cents of forbidden food, isn't it, darling? 183 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,229 -Mmm? Yeah. -Yeah. 184 00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:52,764 (INHALES) Hmm. 185 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,300 It's just... Darling... 186 00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:56,401 Don't you think the forbidden fruit 187 00:08:56,403 --> 00:09:00,405 used to taste a little bit sweeter when Saffy was here? 188 00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,575 I don't know, I just think sometimes you need a little 189 00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:08,547 soupcon of guilt to - make carte blanche depravity taste that little bit better. 190 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:10,415 I don't know. I don't know. 191 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:14,185 No, you're right, Eddy. 192 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,287 Now, darling, you should be at work. 193 00:09:15,289 --> 00:09:18,156 You've got bread to win. You've got meetings to organise. 194 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,524 You've got to get back in the loop! 195 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:23,962 It's got to be hard graft, darling, 9:00 to 5:00, 24/7! 196 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,300 Yeah, but darling, I... 197 00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:29,434 I could do something with you this morning 198 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,102 and then have my meetings in the afternoon... 199 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,405 No, it is forbidden. 200 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,273 Yeah, but darling, but that's only half a day. 201 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:38,143 And, you know, darling, this time in my life ain't going to last forever. 202 00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:40,745 -Is it, darling? -You're not on flexitime, Eddy. 203 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:41,680 We have no mananas. 204 00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:42,647 Yes, we have no mananas, darling! 205 00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:45,216 But half a day, whole day, what does it matter? Hmm? 206 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,418 -No, darling, it's wrong! -I deserve this! 207 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:51,656 -It's naughty! It is evil! -It's me time! It's my time! I want to! 208 00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:55,594 You deserve nothing. 209 00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,096 It is forbidden 210 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,633 to have breakfast at Patisserie Valerie. 211 00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:08,673 -Would that be very naughty? -It's forbidden. 212 00:10:08,675 --> 00:10:11,810 -It'd be very, very naughty. -Very naughty. 213 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:14,613 -All right, let's go! I wanna go! I wanna go! -(SCREAMS) 214 00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,580 Ooh, darling! 215 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:17,082 We have to do something about the tits! 216 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:20,018 Yeah, we'll do something about my tits. (LAUGHS) 217 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,420 -Come on, Eddy. -I had four of these chicken fillets in! 218 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:25,724 -Put these in as well, darling. -Oh, don't put in any more... 219 00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:27,592 Ooh! There we are. 220 00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:30,095 -That's good. That's good, isn't it? -Arse pert, tits pert. 221 00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:34,566 Yeah, darling, I'm the push-me-pull-you of pert! 222 00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:36,201 What's that? 223 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:39,070 Oh, that's a Hummer. I got it for Jeremy on approval. 224 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,305 -Yeah, no, cancel. -No, Bubble. 225 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,773 -Cancel that. -No, I'm not coming into the office. 226 00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,141 -Cancel my day. Cancel him. -Cancel her. 227 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,678 Emma Bunton? Tell her I've got SARS. How desperate is she? 228 00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:49,414 It was the answer phone. 229 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:53,585 (SIGHS) Have a little lovely breakfast in Soho. 230 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:54,319 (SIGHS) 231 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,354 Can't hear what you're saying, Eddy. 232 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:58,189 A little... 233 00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,492 A little breakfast in Soho. 234 00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:01,626 BOTH: Ooh! 235 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,461 A sniff round Agent Provocateur. 236 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:09,434 Slide down Bond Street, a little McQueen, Hermes, Asprey's. 237 00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:11,336 I'll just call Bubble, shall I, darling? Just to... 238 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,038 -No, Eddy. No, Eddy. -Just very quickly, darling. 239 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:17,542 -Just give her a quick mobile, quick call! -No, no, no, no, no! 240 00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,110 EDINA: Oh! 241 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,547 (MOBILE RINGS) 242 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:24,716 Oh, oh! 243 00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,785 Oh, that was yours. 244 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,353 Hello? 245 00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:30,321 Oh, I'll come now. 246 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:31,756 Can you turn around? I've got to go to the office. 247 00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:35,060 -Oh, no, Eddy. Oh. -I got to go, darling. 248 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,566 Wait here. Oh! 249 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:57,415 Would you like a Jelly Baby? 250 00:11:57,784 --> 00:11:59,284 Right, I'm here, Bubble. I'm here. 251 00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:03,154 Did you get Baby everything she needs, darling? Hmm? 252 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,556 Hi, Baby. 253 00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:07,392 Not "Baby". Bye, Baby Bunton. 254 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,294 What? What? What did she say? 255 00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:10,395 My name is Emma. 256 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,731 And I'm an alcoholic. 257 00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:17,001 That's not funny. That's not funny. 258 00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:18,002 Sorry, darling Emma. 259 00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:21,172 Erm, did you meet Patsy? Patsy Stone? 260 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,240 She runs Jeremy's. 261 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:22,774 Yeah, I'm a stylist. 262 00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:26,010 Yeah, she does everyone, Minnie Driver. 263 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:26,711 Stylist? 264 00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:32,383 Oh, I'm too rich and famous to ask for free clothes myself. 265 00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:33,785 Will you do it? 266 00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:35,520 Will you be my stylist? 267 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:39,324 Well, excuse me, but I thought we were supposed to be having a meeting. 268 00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,558 Yes, we're having a meeting. 269 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,662 Your two dumb and dumbers are waiting for you downstairs. 270 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:47,265 -What? -Downstairs. 271 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,100 Clip-clop! 272 00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:52,704 -Eddy, I won't be long. -Come on, out. 273 00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:55,273 Since when has your office been in your house? 274 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,642 Oh, darling, no one has a proper office any more. 275 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,811 You know, my work is me. It's called cocooning. 276 00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:03,681 Everything is me. I am my own desk, I am my own filing cabinet. 277 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,683 Everything is stored in me. 278 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:09,120 In your cheeks, by the look of it. 279 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:14,159 I'm multitasking by myself. Parts of me are taking a memo as we speak. (CHUCKLES) 280 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,727 Well, then, could part of you get on with this? 281 00:13:15,729 --> 00:13:21,166 Yeah, yeah. Of course, darling. Darling, of course. (SNAPPING FINGERS) 282 00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:22,333 -Ben... Bunton... -Emma. 283 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,636 Emma. Emma. Emma darling. Yes, of course, darling. 284 00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:27,739 Lots of new stuff come in for you. Bubble, read the list. 285 00:13:27,741 --> 00:13:30,408 Do you want to press the Lotto button? 286 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:31,709 -Ooh! -No! 287 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:33,478 "Celebrity Millionaire?" 288 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,245 -Yes. -No. 289 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,647 "Celebrity Weakest Link?" 290 00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:36,681 -Yes. -No. 291 00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:38,716 -"Celebrity Fat Farm?" -Oh! Oh! 292 00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:41,085 "Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Junk Search, 293 00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:42,453 "Celebrity Wannabe, Celebrity Celebisity, 294 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:45,123 "Celebrity Celebisity, (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) 295 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,659 -"Celebrity Or Die With Donna Air?" -No, darling. 296 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:50,562 -No, no, no! Nothing with "Celebrity" in it. -(EDINA SIGHS) 297 00:13:50,564 --> 00:13:54,132 Well, you're limiting yourself, frankly. Let's have a look. 298 00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:55,700 But, erm, no, here's a good one. 299 00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,770 Do you want to go into Chicago? 300 00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:00,572 I did six months in Chicago. 301 00:14:00,574 --> 00:14:02,273 Did you... Did you? 302 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:04,609 The show, darling. Not the Windy City. 303 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:07,345 -Yes, I know, and you never came. -Oh! 304 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,180 Oh, here's a good one. "Do you want to go on holiday 305 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,215 "in a camper van with Tamzin Outhwaite?" 306 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:14,319 Oh, no, that's just an offer. That's not a programme. Hang on. 307 00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:17,722 Hell, I hope you haven't burnt your Spice millions. 308 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:20,425 You know, I think, darling, off the top of my head, 309 00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:21,559 you need to get some more music going. 310 00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,762 You need to get a single out there, you know? 311 00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:26,664 I have got a single out. 312 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,399 Have you? 313 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,368 (HESITANTLY) Yeah, we knew that. 314 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,303 Well, sing it, then. 315 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,640 (MOUTHING) 316 00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:39,444 # Babe 317 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:41,045 # Babe 318 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:42,814 Start! Start! 319 00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:45,316 (VOICE QUAVERING) # Baby # 320 00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:49,220 Come on. Sing anything I've ever done. 321 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:54,192 I can't. I can't. Anyway, that's stupid. 322 00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,827 Look, darling, the trouble with you is you're not... 323 00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:57,395 You're not kind of giving me anything, you know? 324 00:14:57,397 --> 00:15:01,099 If you want something from the tabs, you gotta give 'em something back. 325 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:04,569 You're just kind of flatlining in nice and sweet, aren't you? 326 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,404 And they want a little bit of a heartbeat. 327 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:10,975 They don't want to know your mum's your best friend, do they? 328 00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:15,713 They want her to be some one-armed, lesbian asylum seeker. 329 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:17,548 They want the full cellulite shots. 330 00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:22,053 They want a 40-in-the-bed perv orgy with your Spice mates. 331 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:27,325 They want you mainlining, arm-jacking, smack, crack, nightmare, darling. 332 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:31,496 They want you... They want you filleted and splayed on the butcher's block 333 00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:36,301 so they can photograph all your organs for Heat magazine. 334 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,803 Very frankly, for once I would like to see you 335 00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:43,107 foaming at the mouth, stinking of piss in the gutter! 336 00:15:43,677 --> 00:15:44,676 With this. 337 00:15:44,678 --> 00:15:48,646 With this little thumb stuck up Justin Timberlake's arse 338 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:52,684 and you wearing nothing but a Gucci belt! 339 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,186 (MOUTHING) 340 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,689 No? 341 00:15:58,091 --> 00:15:58,389 Okay. 342 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:02,360 Well, I think all we've got left is mingin' or blingin' with Geri. 343 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:02,961 So... 344 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:06,965 Listen, hold on a minute. You were supposed to be getting me something new, 345 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,734 -something interesting, something different. -Yes, yes. Yes. 346 00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,369 She's put you in for the Eurovision Song Contest. 347 00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:14,739 No, I haven't! I haven't! I haven't! I haven't! I haven't! 348 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:15,606 And she's written the song! 349 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,543 I haven't! I haven't! No, darling! No, I haven't! I haven't! 350 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:19,243 EDINA: That's a lie. 351 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:21,312 -That's a lie. -(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL) 352 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:25,149 I have to think of something else, something brilliant. 353 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:26,985 Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. 354 00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:27,552 -(EXCLAIMS) -Mmm! 355 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,221 It's so good just to get away from the shop just to get some food. 356 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:34,192 Oh! So, are you going to tell her? 357 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:36,995 -Give Patsy a piece of... -My mind? 358 00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:38,529 Yes, I'm boiling furious. 359 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:39,764 -In a... -Rage. 360 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:40,198 Mmm. 361 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,167 She... She leaves everything to us and we're not... 362 00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,469 Not up to it! 363 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:47,572 -Not putting up with it. -Oh. 364 00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,140 And your chocolate idea. 365 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,476 -Oh, right. Yes, well, I'll run that by her. -Hmm. 366 00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:53,778 Right. What do you two want to see me about? 367 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,680 I'm very busy. 368 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,448 Oh, right. 369 00:16:57,751 --> 00:17:01,686 (STUTTERS) Well, that was you, wasn't it? 370 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:05,523 No, you're the one in a funk. (CHUCKLES) 371 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:08,659 You were going to have it out with her. 372 00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:09,961 Well... 373 00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:15,199 Oh! You were going to tell her that she wasn't pulling her weight. (CHUCKLES) 374 00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:20,638 And if things didn't improve, you were going to talk to Jeremy. 375 00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:24,008 Talk to Jeremy? 376 00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:29,680 I was having a very bad...period. 377 00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:31,149 Brutus! 378 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:34,552 Oh! Tell her about your chocolate idea. 379 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,421 -Oh! Right, well... -PATSY: No! 380 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:38,656 ...just near where we sell the sunglasses... 381 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:39,524 One whiff of a cocoa bean 382 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:43,428 and our customers would fly like vampires before garlic! 383 00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:46,497 Jeremy's must remain a sterile oasis, 384 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:50,568 free from street-eaters and coffee carriers! 385 00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:51,536 Aseptic! 386 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:55,239 And razor sharp as our customers' hip bones! 387 00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:57,275 These women shop for lunch! 388 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,110 Labels are their only sustenance. 389 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,212 Their skeleton legs in their Manolo Blahniks 390 00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:06,584 have worn trenches down the pavements of Sloane Street! 391 00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:08,586 I understand. 392 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:13,024 The uber-rich sinews with just enough muscle left in their arm 393 00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:16,394 to lift up a credit card. 394 00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:20,031 Keep it clean, no chocolate! 395 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,065 Genius. 396 00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,334 Have I made myself perfectly clear? 397 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:25,369 -As ice. -Transparent. 398 00:18:27,173 --> 00:18:29,073 And if you... 399 00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:33,111 ever try anything like this again... 400 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,415 (GROWLS) I will kill you! 401 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,620 All right, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it! 402 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,455 All right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. 403 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:48,259 A documentary. (CLICKING TONGUE) Good one. 404 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:53,464 On or with Queen Noor. 405 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:54,565 -Not her again! -Oh, oh, oh! 406 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:58,469 She tries to fob her off to everyone. That's why Lulu left. 407 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,304 No, no, no, no, no. 408 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:02,039 Who's Queen Nor? 409 00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:05,743 No, Nor. It's not "Nor". Queen Noor. Oh! 410 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,745 All right. Think again. 411 00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:11,215 Have you had a really bad tit job? 412 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:22,560 No, it's just these little things that Patsy puts in. 413 00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:25,263 So I can see how big I want them if I do want a tit job. 414 00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:28,032 They're pretty good, aren't they? Love these babies, get some looks, 415 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,535 -I can tell you. (LAUGHS) -I bet they do. 416 00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:34,639 -Yeah. -Especially, with your streaky fake tan. 417 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:36,541 I think it's pathetic. 418 00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:39,677 You've got no self-control, no willpower. 419 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:43,648 She's like a smoking beagle to Patsy's vivisectionist! 420 00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,383 Shut up! 421 00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:47,318 I mean, look at this place! 422 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,587 -It's... It's... It's sad! -What? 423 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:50,254 It's a pad! 424 00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:53,457 I've seen downstairs. It's squalid and revolting. 425 00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:56,194 It's like two winos have been squatting here. 426 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,730 (GASPS) Oh! When's Saffy back? 427 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:00,598 I know, why would you care? 428 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,700 We went to school together and she was a brilliant head girl. 429 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:06,370 And I hate the fact that she might have to come back to this. 430 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:10,608 Oh, come on. Lighten up there, little junior prefect. 431 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:12,677 On the pages of the days. 432 00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,212 What? 433 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,180 She comes. 434 00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:18,216 What is she saying? 435 00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,651 She says she knows when Saffy's coming home. 436 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:23,354 What? (STAMMERS) Ask her when. 437 00:20:23,456 --> 00:20:24,155 When? 438 00:20:24,157 --> 00:20:26,757 On the paper days, the paper days. 439 00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,125 -What? -It's on the calendar. 440 00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:32,096 Oh. She's channelling you, she's channelling you. 441 00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,265 Why haven't you changed the date? 442 00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,800 It happens anyway. 443 00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:39,437 Sun comes up, sun goes down. 444 00:20:40,306 --> 00:20:41,706 Oh, God. 445 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,476 Saffy's coming home today. 446 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:46,410 (GASPS) 447 00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:49,480 Oh! (SCREAMS) 448 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:56,354 Hoover! Hoover! (PANTING) 449 00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:56,854 Hoover! 450 00:20:56,856 --> 00:21:01,092 You have to turn it on, not just make the noise! 451 00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:04,662 -(MOUTHS) I know. -Stupid girl. 452 00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:07,331 Come on, guys. We haven't got long. 453 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,333 I don't understand where it goes. 454 00:21:09,335 --> 00:21:11,102 It doesn't say where it goes. 455 00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:13,504 You spray and wipe. 456 00:21:14,007 --> 00:21:15,640 (MUMBLES) 457 00:21:15,642 --> 00:21:19,744 And you. You're not doing anything. Put that in the drawer. 458 00:21:19,746 --> 00:21:25,082 It's funny how you can lose things and not know where they've gone. 459 00:21:25,084 --> 00:21:30,054 We got some pens. We got Sellotape. We got some old pins. 460 00:21:30,056 --> 00:21:31,155 Yeah, I'm gonna try out all these pens 461 00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:32,323 and see which ones work and which ones don't 462 00:21:32,325 --> 00:21:34,458 and then I can throw away the bad ones ones and we'll do it. 463 00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:35,793 You got quite a lot of money in here. 464 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:38,796 We got lots of money in here, Eddy. We got dimes. We got francs. 465 00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:41,465 You know what, darling? Just chuck 'em in the bin. 466 00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:42,400 No, Eddy, Eddy, this is money. 467 00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:45,736 You can't throw it away. We need a little container to put it in. 468 00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:48,572 Got a little something from a cornflake packet. 469 00:21:48,574 --> 00:21:50,074 Oh, is it a footballer? 470 00:21:50,076 --> 00:21:50,608 No, it's Ian McKellen. 471 00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:51,809 Oh, don't throw him away, darling! I like him. 472 00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:54,612 I was going to collect the whole set, but I went off Honey Pops. 473 00:21:54,614 --> 00:21:57,248 -Got lots of dead matches. -Well, chuck 'em, chuck 'em. 474 00:21:57,250 --> 00:22:00,418 No, no, no, darling, 'cause the striker's still good. 475 00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:02,019 Well, take the striker off. Take it off. 476 00:22:02,021 --> 00:22:04,655 (BOTH TALKING AT ONCE) 477 00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:05,723 Eddy, I tell you what we need here. 478 00:22:05,725 --> 00:22:07,491 -We need a little piece of furniture, darling. -Oh! 479 00:22:07,493 --> 00:22:09,093 We need... With little slots down the side. 480 00:22:09,095 --> 00:22:10,661 You can put everything in neatly down there. 481 00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:11,762 And then lots and lots of little drawers 482 00:22:11,764 --> 00:22:13,431 so you can put things in the little drawers... 483 00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:16,300 -Darling, darling, darling, darling, darling. -Yeah? 484 00:22:16,302 --> 00:22:17,301 We're gonna have to go shopping. 485 00:22:17,303 --> 00:22:18,402 -Oh, yeah. -We'll have to go shopping 486 00:22:18,404 --> 00:22:20,604 because we need some magazines so we can find someone to do this for us. 487 00:22:20,606 --> 00:22:23,307 -To put there. Good. So, we can get some ones with the... -Yeah, yeah. 488 00:22:23,309 --> 00:22:25,009 What are you two doing? 489 00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:28,646 We can't go on until we've got a new piece of furniture designed for here, 490 00:22:28,648 --> 00:22:29,347 so we're just gonna... 491 00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:32,316 -I found the poppet! (CLANKING) -EDINA: Oh! 492 00:22:33,219 --> 00:22:34,685 That's my poppet. 493 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:36,654 (ALL SHOUTING) 494 00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:37,621 Shut up! 495 00:22:37,623 --> 00:22:40,091 It's just the flick, it isn't working. 496 00:22:40,093 --> 00:22:42,093 Will everybody just get this place sorted? 497 00:22:42,095 --> 00:22:45,629 I seem to be the only one doing anything around here! 498 00:22:45,631 --> 00:22:48,566 And just for once, do you think, just for once, 499 00:22:48,568 --> 00:22:52,436 you could do something and get it done? 500 00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:57,675 (SNOOTILY) Mmm. 501 00:22:58,745 --> 00:23:03,647 Ooh, yeah, little change of image now, isn't it? Huh? 502 00:23:03,649 --> 00:23:05,282 Little flip-flop there. 503 00:23:05,284 --> 00:23:09,620 From "girl power" to "buckle under", isn't it? 504 00:23:09,622 --> 00:23:13,157 Yeah, you lot! You and your little generation. 505 00:23:13,159 --> 00:23:16,761 You think you're so cool and so badass, don't you? Hmm? 506 00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:18,262 Well, you and your little Ms Dy-Na-Mi-Tee-Hees, 507 00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:21,665 you know what you are, darling? Do you know what you are? 508 00:23:21,667 --> 00:23:25,035 New puritans! That's what you are. God! 509 00:23:25,037 --> 00:23:26,103 In my day, people actually said something 510 00:23:26,105 --> 00:23:29,640 about real rebels screaming something, darling. Weren't there? 511 00:23:29,642 --> 00:23:34,178 I mean, you're looking at someone here who actually burned her bra. 512 00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:36,113 While it was still on. 513 00:23:36,115 --> 00:23:43,654 Not you, no. Now it's all, "Do this, do that, be good, be safe, don't be naughty." 514 00:23:43,656 --> 00:23:49,393 From "zigazigah" to house-proud hausfrau, look at ya. 515 00:23:49,796 --> 00:23:54,832 If you think I'm gonna take that kind of shit 516 00:23:55,201 --> 00:23:57,234 off a sweaty overeater, 517 00:23:57,236 --> 00:24:00,671 the colour of an old man's scrotum, 518 00:24:02,241 --> 00:24:05,709 then you have got another thing coming. 519 00:24:08,714 --> 00:24:11,515 Are we keeping old corks? 520 00:24:14,020 --> 00:24:14,552 (DOORBELL BUZZING) 521 00:24:14,554 --> 00:24:17,655 It'll be her. Little Saff's home. Little Saff's home. 522 00:24:17,657 --> 00:24:22,026 Here she is. Stay back. Sit, you sit... Get down. 523 00:24:22,028 --> 00:24:23,461 Sit. Here she is! 524 00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:24,595 Who is it, that stranger? 525 00:24:24,597 --> 00:24:27,031 Is it Odysseus returned from the sea? 526 00:24:27,033 --> 00:24:27,631 It's Saffy, dear. 527 00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:31,635 Recognised only by his old dying dog and us. 528 00:24:31,637 --> 00:24:32,636 Give your gran a kiss. 529 00:24:32,638 --> 00:24:34,738 -Ah! -Hello, Gran. How are you? 530 00:24:34,740 --> 00:24:36,307 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 531 00:24:36,309 --> 00:24:39,210 -How are you? -Oh, really well. 532 00:24:39,212 --> 00:24:39,610 (GASPS) Mum! 533 00:24:39,612 --> 00:24:42,746 I know it's all changed, isn't it, darling? Do you like it? 534 00:24:42,748 --> 00:24:44,215 Everything we need is here now. 535 00:24:44,217 --> 00:24:47,051 We don't have to use the stairs uppy-downy. 536 00:24:47,053 --> 00:24:48,419 Yeah, but wait till you see upstairs. 537 00:24:48,421 --> 00:24:51,722 -Yeah, well, sit down. -What's happened upstairs? 538 00:24:51,724 --> 00:24:52,556 Nothing's happened upstairs. 539 00:24:52,558 --> 00:24:56,460 Come on! Have you got photos? Tell us all about it, darling. 540 00:24:56,462 --> 00:24:57,328 Were you a shield? 541 00:24:57,330 --> 00:25:01,065 No, I was a humanitarian aid worker. 542 00:25:01,067 --> 00:25:03,133 Oh, she was a humanitarian. 543 00:25:03,603 --> 00:25:05,069 Eddy, I'm going. 544 00:25:05,071 --> 00:25:06,237 All right, darling. I'll see you later. 545 00:25:06,239 --> 00:25:10,441 Nice to see some of the old fixtures and fittings are still here. 546 00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:14,144 Patsy darling, she's rusted in, isn't she? 547 00:25:14,413 --> 00:25:19,149 Have a look in that drawer and try to keep it that way! 548 00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:27,024 Well, don't everybody go, come on. 549 00:25:27,026 --> 00:25:28,626 There's a lap pool in her bedroom 550 00:25:28,628 --> 00:25:30,661 and Saddam Hussein's feet in her office 551 00:25:30,663 --> 00:25:34,265 which is now upstairs. I'll see you later. 552 00:25:34,267 --> 00:25:37,067 -Yes, I think I'll be going, too, dear. -Oh! 553 00:25:37,069 --> 00:25:38,369 Let you get some rest. 554 00:25:38,371 --> 00:25:41,772 -I can tell something's brewing. -No. What? 555 00:25:41,774 --> 00:25:43,741 -I'll see you tomorrow, Saffy. -(SIGHS) 556 00:25:43,743 --> 00:25:47,545 -Oh, goodness, gracious me! -Oh, stop it. 557 00:25:54,420 --> 00:25:56,387 Oh! Hello, darling. 558 00:25:56,389 --> 00:26:00,024 Oh, look at you, sweetheart, you look so well. 559 00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:01,559 Got a little tan, haven't we? 560 00:26:01,561 --> 00:26:02,493 (GASPS) Ooh, a mark. 561 00:26:02,495 --> 00:26:04,628 Look at that, darling. Mmm, cheeky! (CHUCKLES) 562 00:26:04,630 --> 00:26:07,531 (INHALES) I love your brown hands as well, sweetheart. 563 00:26:07,533 --> 00:26:12,770 Oh. Darling, almost to the elbow. That's a record, isn't it? 564 00:26:13,039 --> 00:26:14,505 Nice to have you home, darling. 565 00:26:14,507 --> 00:26:16,473 I'm gonna get you a drink, sweetheart. 566 00:26:16,475 --> 00:26:17,207 Here we go. 567 00:26:17,209 --> 00:26:19,143 (SIGHS) Did you get my videophone messages? 568 00:26:19,145 --> 00:26:21,245 -Yes, one of you drunk, naked in the shower... -Yeah. 569 00:26:21,247 --> 00:26:25,783 One of your nostrils and a couple of the darkest recesses of your inner ear. 570 00:26:25,785 --> 00:26:28,552 Oh. Listen, sweetheart. Here we go. 571 00:26:28,554 --> 00:26:30,988 Pop, cheers, clink. 572 00:26:30,990 --> 00:26:32,056 -About the pool... -I don't care about it. 573 00:26:32,058 --> 00:26:36,160 No, no, but since your little friend brought it up, darling, about the pool... 574 00:26:36,162 --> 00:26:37,394 It's not a huge pool. 575 00:26:37,396 --> 00:26:38,796 It's more like a little Jacuzzi, darling. 576 00:26:38,798 --> 00:26:41,799 Because I can't use that one at the spa any more. 577 00:26:41,801 --> 00:26:43,167 I mean, so many people have been in it. 578 00:26:43,169 --> 00:26:47,438 It's become just a sort of smoothie of old excretions. 579 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,508 -Mum, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. -I know you disapprove. 580 00:26:51,510 --> 00:26:52,443 -I don't. -You always do. I mean, 581 00:26:52,445 --> 00:26:54,678 honestly you come back with this attitude, don't you? 582 00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,348 You haven't even noticed, darling, I've cleaned. 583 00:26:57,350 --> 00:26:58,382 Look, I have cleaned this place. 584 00:26:58,384 --> 00:27:02,453 I have touched and rubbed polish here, you haven't even noticed that. 585 00:27:02,455 --> 00:27:04,521 -Did you? -I'm just really tired. 586 00:27:04,523 --> 00:27:05,956 You're tired? 587 00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:08,359 We're all tired, darling, aren't we? 588 00:27:08,361 --> 00:27:10,594 I mean, I'm tired. 589 00:27:12,264 --> 00:27:14,698 We're all tired, aren't we, darling? 590 00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:18,435 And since I haven't got that attitude. 591 00:27:18,437 --> 00:27:20,971 I'll just put them here. 592 00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:23,340 Oh, yeah, looking at me. Looking at me in that way. 593 00:27:23,342 --> 00:27:25,442 You always look at me, darling 'cause you disapprove. 594 00:27:25,444 --> 00:27:27,277 You're looking at me, looking at what I'm wearing. 595 00:27:27,279 --> 00:27:29,480 "Ooh, look, there's big, fat Mother." 596 00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:32,716 -I am not thinking that, Mum! -Yeah, you are. 597 00:27:32,718 --> 00:27:34,084 Actually, can I say, darling? 598 00:27:34,086 --> 00:27:38,589 You may be looking quite well, but not so thin yourself. 599 00:27:38,591 --> 00:27:40,557 Do I detect a slight thickening, sweetheart? 600 00:27:40,559 --> 00:27:44,294 You know what that is, don't you? Cruel genetic fate. 601 00:27:44,296 --> 00:27:46,597 You are turning into me! 602 00:27:46,599 --> 00:27:52,102 The sausage shape that comes to us all, sweetheart, is you now. 603 00:27:52,104 --> 00:27:54,004 This is self-induced indignation. 604 00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:55,372 No, 'cause you are now 605 00:27:55,374 --> 00:28:00,277 fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat! 606 00:28:00,613 --> 00:28:03,714 That word that has haunted me my whole life 607 00:28:03,716 --> 00:28:05,349 can now be a specter to you! 608 00:28:05,351 --> 00:28:10,754 Oh, yeah, I'm not the only bloater around here any more, am I, darling? Ooh! 609 00:28:10,756 --> 00:28:14,625 I mean, I know I might eat and drink a little bit too much, 610 00:28:14,627 --> 00:28:17,761 but what's your excuse, eh, lard-arse? 611 00:28:18,130 --> 00:28:21,298 How did you get so fat on AIDS rations? 612 00:28:21,300 --> 00:28:23,200 I am not fat! 613 00:28:23,569 --> 00:28:25,469 I'm pregnant! 614 00:28:51,530 --> 00:28:53,063 Pregnant? 615 00:28:53,399 --> 00:28:54,665 Yes. 616 00:28:56,469 --> 00:28:57,534 Darling. 617 00:28:57,536 --> 00:29:00,304 (SIGHS) What do you think? 618 00:29:02,208 --> 00:29:05,275 Darling, I should think you should tell people as soon as you see them. 619 00:29:05,277 --> 00:29:08,512 You don't want them thinking you're fat!