BUBBLE: So I went on to this bar and I was really hammered.
Which was mad! And I'm going, "Way!"
And he says, "Hello, ma'am."
Just went, "Way!" It's so funny.
Ah, so funny. (CHUCKLES)
And then we went on to this other bar.
I saw this vomit on me shoe.
And I thought...
Then I vomit on meself. (LAUGHS)
And they're all cracking up and I'm going, "Shut up and get the basin!"
Anyhoo, thinking, "Well, it would be rude not to.
"So I net the lot." (LAUGHING)
Now, I don't remember anything about the hour after that,
which was just brilliant, I'm told.
And then, I, just about... (SPLASH)
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
Come on, swim, Eddy, swim!
Turn that off. I'm only in here because I want to pee!
Turn it off!
Ah. That's better.
-Do you want a prawn, Eddy? -Oh, yeah.
Throw Flipper a prawn.
(MAKING ANIMAL NOISES)
You can always get your toes sewn together, Eddy, it'll help you swim.
(SIGHS) I love my new bathroom.
Is this the shower I told you to buy?
Oh, yeah, darling. That baby rocks, let me tell you.
I mean, that is a shower, a sauna, a massage,
depilatation, exfoliation, sound system. It's fantastic!
(CHUCKLES) Gives you a full wash and wax
and it polishes your hubcaps at the same time.
(SIGHS) You have to be careful with the wax cycle, though.
Came out yesterday, I'd been bearded by my pubes.
(PATSY LAUGHS)
That's the seeing-eye toilet, that one.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah, gives you a full wash and dry,
tests you for diabetes. Whoo-hoo!
In Bangkok, you can get one that inserts a cigarette.
(CHUCKLES)
-Fantastic. -(TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh! Oh, what happened?
You moved, darling.
I haven't moved since 1973.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Darling, did I tell you it's got Internet access and a videophone as well?
-Eddy? -Yeah?
Eddy, look. Can I get away with this mouth?
(SQUEAKING)
Only in L.A., darling.
Ah, one's bleeding a little round the edges.
It's haemorrhaging.
Oh, damn. I have to see the collagen man today.
Eddy, I might have to use you as a donor.
I don't think I've got enough left. (CHUCKLES)
(SMACKING) My arse on your face?
-(CHUCKLES) -Darling, come on, hurry up.
We've got a lot to do today. We're on the razz!
Who knows when that little bitch troll from hell's gonna turn up!
Towels! Towels!
I haven't... (COUGHS) I haven't heard anything from Saffy, darling.
-We've got to burn every day as if it's our last, babe. -Yeah.
We've gotta saddle up the wild stallions and ride 'em out!
Hitch.
It's still doing my feet.
I'm hungry and ravenous for the pleasures of now!
EDINA:Yes! (CHUCKLES)
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
-Oh, what's that? -Well, that'll be your tan.
-Light oak, antique pine... -I don't like those ones.
-No, no. -What's that shiny one?
Patent leather. That's for body builders.
-Oh, no. -Oh, I can't do that one.
-What about this one? -Yeah, this one.
-The Donatella collection? -Yeah.
But what about the crocodile skin?
That's Valentino.
-I think we want winter Donatella. -That one.
-Right.
-(INHALES) -Hmm. Right.
Stand against the wall, please.
I hope you're better at this than you are at St Tropez.
It's hard to tell how many coats a pasty white pudding like you will need.
Was it too dark?
Let's just say I narrowly avoided two arranged marriages
and an audition for Bombay Dreams.
Am I doing just the face?
PATSY: No, no, all over, Eddy.
With or without pants?
With pants. I don't mind having a mark.
Without!
Pants off.
Right. I'll need a bigger nozzle.
(MOUTHING)
(CLICKING MACHINE)
Any last words?
Yes. I'm...
Oh, that's a good shade, Eddy.
Eddy, pants off.
I have got my pants off.
Lift the belly up, dear, so I can get under.
You don't want to look like marble cake.
Come on. Lift it, lift it.
Now turn around. Pull everything apart.
Where's that daughter of yours, still away in Iraq?
Yeah, we think so.
Keep turning. Keep up, woman.
What was it she went to do? I keep trying to remember to tell all my friends.
-Human shield! -Just spray.
Are you going anywhere nice on your holiday this year?
Oh, shut up!
It's customer service. I am trained, you know.
Okay, you're done.
There you are, Eddy. Told you it was the best.
You better do something about your arse, Eddy.
But, darling, I'm wearing the shaping pants.
Yeah, but what shape?
I mean, you know, it doesn't look as if "buttock" is in their repertoire.
Oh, stop it.
It's a whole pulley system. You have to tighten them up here.
I can't wear them any higher or I'll be using them as a headrest!
Anyway, I got a good bum, ain't I?
I don't want a great, big fat bum like J.Lo, do I, darling?
I mean, how high have that woman's heels got
to keep that nancy off the pavement now?
Oh! Why is it such a mess in here still?
Mmm, book a cleaner.
I booked a cleaner! I booked a cleaner every day
for the last six months, darling. It's just no one turns up.
Why would they just go?
-We could always go to Jeremy's penthouse. -Huh?
Yeah, he's going to be in Tokyo indefinitely. He gave me the keys.
-Well, who's running the shop? -I am.
I did that little management course, you know.
Buy, sell, hire, and fire.
-Mmm. -You know, the secret is, Eddy,
is you got to hire people while they're still in awe of you,
treat 'em like shit and then sack 'em before they despise you.
That's fantastic.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Would you like to see my new telly, darling?
-Right now? -Like that.
Journalist and presenter, Katy Grin.
Thank you, Fern. - (CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)
Oh, shit!
Katy, you've got this new book out called My Iraq: An Account.
Yes, well, it's called My Iraq,
but really it's collection of reminiscences from various journalists
and members of the public.
Because you, of course, were sent out to be embedded with the troops,
but then you never quite made it.
Yes, well, I just landed in Kuwait,
and was giving my first report back for GMTV,
when the elasticated toggle... (SIGHS)...on the bottom of my fatigues,
which you have to pull tight to stop your pants filling with sand,
got caught in the caterpillar tracks of a passing American tank.
I, I was pulled under.
I think, actually, we've got that clip.
If you have a look at this, you actually talk us through it.
Good morning, Eamonn!
And as you can see, I'm here in... (SCREAMS)
Can you believe I still represent that woman?
She's stuck to my arse like an old barnacle.
-Who else have you got? -(SIGHS) Oh, darling,
it's just Baby Spice, Queen Noor and the cast of Cutting It now.
-Lulu? -No, she left me, darling.
-She said she despised me! -You should have sacked her!
I know I should have.
Oh, darling, don't talk about that. Don't even think about it.
-No talk of work today. -No, no talk of work.
Today, darling, we're gonna give ourselves some big treats.
-Oh, yeah. -Today, we're gonna have some serious fun!
Yes, darling!
-Like yesterday. Yesterday was serious fun, wasn't it? -Yeah.
In fact, darling, every day since Saffy's been gone has been serious fun, isn't it?
Yeah, it's fantastic!
-We can do anything we want! -Yeah, we can, darling.
-Because nothing is naughty if teacher ain't here. -No, nothing!
Hey! Nothing is a sin!
-We are in paradise. -Yeah.
-We are eating of (GRUFFLY) the forbidden fruit. -Yeah, darling.
Forbidden food. Every day is just a pick and mix.
All you can eat for 50 cents of forbidden food, isn't it, darling?
-Mmm? Yeah. -Yeah.
(INHALES) Hmm.
It's just... Darling...
Don't you think the forbidden fruit
used to taste a little bit sweeter when Saffy was here?
I don't know, I just think sometimes you need a little
soupcon of guilt to - make carte blanche depravity taste that little bit better.
I don't know. I don't know.
No, you're right, Eddy.
Now, darling, you should be at work.
You've got bread to win. You've got meetings to organise.
You've got to get back in the loop!
It's got to be hard graft, darling, 9:00 to 5:00, 24/7!
Yeah, but darling, I...
I could do something with you this morning
and then have my meetings in the afternoon...
No, it is forbidden.
Yeah, but darling, but that's only half a day.
And, you know, darling, this time in my life ain't going to last forever.
-Is it, darling? -You're not on flexitime, Eddy.
We have no mananas.
Yes, we have no mananas, darling!
But half a day, whole day, what does it matter? Hmm?
-No, darling, it's wrong! -I deserve this!
-It's naughty! It is evil! -It's me time! It's my time! I want to!
You deserve nothing.
It is forbidden
to have breakfast at Patisserie Valerie.
-Would that be very naughty? -It's forbidden.
-It'd be very, very naughty. -Very naughty.
-All right, let's go! I wanna go! I wanna go! -(SCREAMS)
Ooh, darling!
We have to do something about the tits!
Yeah, we'll do something about my tits. (LAUGHS)
-Come on, Eddy. -I had four of these chicken fillets in!
-Put these in as well, darling. -Oh, don't put in any more...
Ooh! There we are.
-That's good. That's good, isn't it? -Arse pert, tits pert.
Yeah, darling, I'm the push-me-pull-you of pert!
What's that?
Oh, that's a Hummer. I got it for Jeremy on approval.
-Yeah, no, cancel. -No, Bubble.
-Cancel that. -No, I'm not coming into the office.
-Cancel my day. Cancel him. -Cancel her.
Emma Bunton? Tell her I've got SARS. How desperate is she?
It was the answer phone.
(SIGHS) Have a little lovely breakfast in Soho.
(SIGHS)
Can't hear what you're saying, Eddy.
A little...
A little breakfast in Soho.
BOTH: Ooh!
A sniff round Agent Provocateur.
Slide down Bond Street, a little McQueen, Hermes, Asprey's.
I'll just call Bubble, shall I, darling? Just to...
-No, Eddy. No, Eddy. -Just very quickly, darling.
-Just give her a quick mobile, quick call! -No, no, no, no, no!
EDINA: Oh!
(MOBILE RINGS)
Oh, oh!
Oh, that was yours.
Hello?
Oh, I'll come now.
Can you turn around? I've got to go to the office.
-Oh, no, Eddy. Oh. -I got to go, darling.
Wait here. Oh!
Would you like a Jelly Baby?
Right, I'm here, Bubble. I'm here.
Did you get Baby everything she needs, darling? Hmm?
Hi, Baby.
Not "Baby". Bye, Baby Bunton.
What? What? What did she say?
My name is Emma.
And I'm an alcoholic.
That's not funny. That's not funny.
Sorry, darling Emma.
Erm, did you meet Patsy? Patsy Stone?
She runs Jeremy's.
Yeah, I'm a stylist.
Yeah, she does everyone, Minnie Driver.
Stylist?
Oh, I'm too rich and famous to ask for free clothes myself.
Will you do it?
Will you be my stylist?
Well, excuse me, but I thought we were supposed to be having a meeting.
Yes, we're having a meeting.
Your two dumb and dumbers are waiting for you downstairs.
-What? -Downstairs.
Clip-clop!
-Eddy, I won't be long. -Come on, out.
Since when has your office been in your house?
Oh, darling, no one has a proper office any more.
You know, my work is me. It's called cocooning.
Everything is me. I am my own desk, I am my own filing cabinet.
Everything is stored in me.
In your cheeks, by the look of it.
I'm multitasking by myself. Parts of me are taking a memo as we speak. (CHUCKLES)
Well, then, could part of you get on with this?
Yeah, yeah. Of course, darling. Darling, of course. (SNAPPING FINGERS)
-Ben... Bunton... -Emma.
Emma. Emma. Emma darling. Yes, of course, darling.
Lots of new stuff come in for you. Bubble, read the list.
Do you want to press the Lotto button?
-Ooh! -No!
"Celebrity Millionaire?"
-Yes. -No.
"Celebrity Weakest Link?"
-Yes. -No.
-"Celebrity Fat Farm?" -Oh! Oh!
"Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Junk Search,
"Celebrity Wannabe, Celebrity Celebisity,
"Celebrity Celebisity, (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
-"Celebrity Or Die With Donna Air?" -No, darling.
-No, no, no! Nothing with "Celebrity" in it. -(EDINA SIGHS)
Well, you're limiting yourself, frankly. Let's have a look.
But, erm, no, here's a good one.
Do you want to go into Chicago?
I did six months in Chicago.
Did you... Did you?
The show, darling. Not the Windy City.
-Yes, I know, and you never came. -Oh!
Oh, here's a good one. "Do you want to go on holiday
"in a camper van with Tamzin Outhwaite?"
Oh, no, that's just an offer. That's not a programme. Hang on.
Hell, I hope you haven't burnt your Spice millions.
You know, I think, darling, off the top of my head,
you need to get some more music going.
You need to get a single out there, you know?
I have got a single out.
Have you?
(HESITANTLY) Yeah, we knew that.
Well, sing it, then.
(MOUTHING)
# Babe
Start! Start!
(VOICE QUAVERING) # Baby #
Come on. Sing anything I've ever done.
I can't. I can't. Anyway, that's stupid.
Look, darling, the trouble with you is you're not...
You're not kind of giving me anything, you know?
If you want something from the tabs, you gotta give 'em something back.
You're just kind of flatlining in nice and sweet, aren't you?
And they want a little bit of a heartbeat.
They don't want to know your mum's your best friend, do they?
They want her to be some one-armed, lesbian asylum seeker.
They want the full cellulite shots.
They want a 40-in-the-bed perv orgy with your Spice mates.
They want you mainlining, arm-jacking, smack, crack, nightmare, darling.
They want you... They want you filleted and splayed on the butcher's block
so they can photograph all your organs for Heat magazine.
Very frankly, for once I would like to see you
foaming at the mouth, stinking of piss in the gutter!
With this.
With this little thumb stuck up Justin Timberlake's arse
and you wearing nothing but a Gucci belt!
(MOUTHING)
No?
Okay.
Well, I think all we've got left is mingin' or blingin' with Geri.
So...
Listen, hold on a minute. You were supposed to be getting me something new,
-something interesting, something different. -Yes, yes. Yes.
She's put you in for the Eurovision Song Contest.
No, I haven't! I haven't! I haven't! I haven't! I haven't!
And she's written the song!
I haven't! I haven't! No, darling! No, I haven't! I haven't!
EDINA: That's a lie.
-That's a lie. -(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL)
I have to think of something else, something brilliant.
Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.
-(EXCLAIMS) -Mmm!
It's so good just to get away from the shop just to get some food.
Oh! So, are you going to tell her?
-Give Patsy a piece of... -My mind?
Yes, I'm boiling furious.
-In a... -Rage.
Mmm.
She... She leaves everything to us and we're not...
Not up to it!
-Not putting up with it. -Oh.
And your chocolate idea.
-Oh, right. Yes, well, I'll run that by her. -Hmm.
Right. What do you two want to see me about?
I'm very busy.
Oh, right.
(STUTTERS) Well, that was you, wasn't it?
No, you're the one in a funk. (CHUCKLES)
You were going to have it out with her.
Well...
Oh! You were going to tell her that she wasn't pulling her weight. (CHUCKLES)
And if things didn't improve, you were going to talk to Jeremy.
Talk to Jeremy?
I was having a very bad...period.
Brutus!
Oh! Tell her about your chocolate idea.
-Oh! Right, well... -PATSY: No!
...just near where we sell the sunglasses...
One whiff of a cocoa bean
and our customers would fly like vampires before garlic!
Jeremy's must remain a sterile oasis,
free from street-eaters and coffee carriers!
Aseptic!
And razor sharp as our customers' hip bones!
These women shop for lunch!
Labels are their only sustenance.
Their skeleton legs in their Manolo Blahniks
have worn trenches down the pavements of Sloane Street!
I understand.
The uber-rich sinews with just enough muscle left in their arm
to lift up a credit card.
Keep it clean, no chocolate!
Genius.
Have I made myself perfectly clear?
-As ice. -Transparent.
And if you...
ever try anything like this again...
(GROWLS) I will kill you!
All right, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it!
All right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
A documentary. (CLICKING TONGUE) Good one.
On or with Queen Noor.
-Not her again! -Oh, oh, oh!
She tries to fob her off to everyone. That's why Lulu left.
No, no, no, no, no.
Who's Queen Nor?
No, Nor. It's not "Nor". Queen Noor. Oh!
All right. Think again.
Have you had a really bad tit job?
No, it's just these little things that Patsy puts in.
So I can see how big I want them if I do want a tit job.
They're pretty good, aren't they? Love these babies, get some looks,
-I can tell you. (LAUGHS) -I bet they do.
-Yeah. -Especially, with your streaky fake tan.
I think it's pathetic.
You've got no self-control, no willpower.
She's like a smoking beagle to Patsy's vivisectionist!
Shut up!
I mean, look at this place!
-It's... It's... It's sad! -What?
It's a pad!
I've seen downstairs. It's squalid and revolting.
It's like two winos have been squatting here.
(GASPS) Oh! When's Saffy back?
I know, why would you care?
We went to school together and she was a brilliant head girl.
And I hate the fact that she might have to come back to this.
Oh, come on. Lighten up there, little junior prefect.
On the pages of the days.
What?
She comes.
What is she saying?
She says she knows when Saffy's coming home.
What? (STAMMERS) Ask her when.
When?
On the paper days, the paper days.
-What? -It's on the calendar.
Oh. She's channelling you, she's channelling you.
Why haven't you changed the date?
It happens anyway.
Sun comes up, sun goes down.
Oh, God.
Saffy's coming home today.
(GASPS)
Oh! (SCREAMS)
Hoover! Hoover! (PANTING)
Hoover!
You have to turn it on, not just make the noise!
-(MOUTHS) I know. -Stupid girl.
Come on, guys. We haven't got long.
I don't understand where it goes.
It doesn't say where it goes.
You spray and wipe.
(MUMBLES)
And you. You're not doing anything. Put that in the drawer.
It's funny how you can lose things and not know where they've gone.
We got some pens. We got Sellotape. We got some old pins.
Yeah, I'm gonna try out all these pens
and see which ones work and which ones don't
and then I can throw away the bad ones ones and we'll do it.
You got quite a lot of money in here.
We got lots of money in here, Eddy. We got dimes. We got francs.
You know what, darling? Just chuck 'em in the bin.
No, Eddy, Eddy, this is money.
You can't throw it away. We need a little container to put it in.
Got a little something from a cornflake packet.
Oh, is it a footballer?
No, it's Ian McKellen.
Oh, don't throw him away, darling! I like him.
I was going to collect the whole set, but I went off Honey Pops.
-Got lots of dead matches. -Well, chuck 'em, chuck 'em.
No, no, no, darling, 'cause the striker's still good.
Well, take the striker off. Take it off.
(BOTH TALKING AT ONCE)
Eddy, I tell you what we need here.
-We need a little piece of furniture, darling. -Oh!
We need... With little slots down the side.
You can put everything in neatly down there.
And then lots and lots of little drawers
so you can put things in the little drawers...
-Darling, darling, darling, darling, darling. -Yeah?
We're gonna have to go shopping.
-Oh, yeah. -We'll have to go shopping
because we need some magazines so we can find someone to do this for us.
-To put there. Good. So, we can get some ones with the... -Yeah, yeah.
What are you two doing?
We can't go on until we've got a new piece of furniture designed for here,
so we're just gonna...
-I found the poppet! (CLANKING) -EDINA: Oh!
That's my poppet.
(ALL SHOUTING)
Shut up!
It's just the flick, it isn't working.
Will everybody just get this place sorted?
I seem to be the only one doing anything around here!
And just for once, do you think, just for once,
you could do something and get it done?
(SNOOTILY) Mmm.
Ooh, yeah, little change of image now, isn't it? Huh?
Little flip-flop there.
From "girl power" to "buckle under", isn't it?
Yeah, you lot! You and your little generation.
You think you're so cool and so badass, don't you? Hmm?
Well, you and your little Ms Dy-Na-Mi-Tee-Hees,
you know what you are, darling? Do you know what you are?
New puritans! That's what you are. God!
In my day, people actually said something
about real rebels screaming something, darling. Weren't there?
I mean, you're looking at someone here who actually burned her bra.
While it was still on.
Not you, no. Now it's all, "Do this, do that, be good, be safe, don't be naughty."
From "zigazigah" to house-proud hausfrau, look at ya.
If you think I'm gonna take that kind of shit
off a sweaty overeater,
the colour of an old man's scrotum,
then you have got another thing coming.
Are we keeping old corks?
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
It'll be her. Little Saff's home. Little Saff's home.
Here she is. Stay back. Sit, you sit... Get down.
Sit. Here she is!
Who is it, that stranger?
Is it Odysseus returned from the sea?
It's Saffy, dear.
Recognised only by his old dying dog and us.
Give your gran a kiss.
-Ah! -Hello, Gran. How are you?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
-How are you? -Oh, really well.
(GASPS) Mum!
I know it's all changed, isn't it, darling? Do you like it?
Everything we need is here now.
We don't have to use the stairs uppy-downy.
Yeah, but wait till you see upstairs.
-Yeah, well, sit down. -What's happened upstairs?
Nothing's happened upstairs.
Come on! Have you got photos? Tell us all about it, darling.
Were you a shield?
No, I was a humanitarian aid worker.
Oh, she was a humanitarian.
Eddy, I'm going.
All right, darling. I'll see you later.
Nice to see some of the old fixtures and fittings are still here.
Patsy darling, she's rusted in, isn't she?
Have a look in that drawer and try to keep it that way!
Well, don't everybody go, come on.
There's a lap pool in her bedroom
and Saddam Hussein's feet in her office
which is now upstairs. I'll see you later.
-Yes, I think I'll be going, too, dear. -Oh!
Let you get some rest.
-I can tell something's brewing. -No. What?
-I'll see you tomorrow, Saffy. -(SIGHS)
-Oh, goodness, gracious me! -Oh, stop it.
Oh! Hello, darling.
Oh, look at you, sweetheart, you look so well.
Got a little tan, haven't we?
(GASPS) Ooh, a mark.
Look at that, darling. Mmm, cheeky! (CHUCKLES)
(INHALES) I love your brown hands as well, sweetheart.
Oh. Darling, almost to the elbow. That's a record, isn't it?
Nice to have you home, darling.
I'm gonna get you a drink, sweetheart.
Here we go.
(SIGHS) Did you get my videophone messages?
-Yes, one of you drunk, naked in the shower... -Yeah.
One of your nostrils and a couple of the darkest recesses of your inner ear.
Oh. Listen, sweetheart. Here we go.
Pop, cheers, clink.
-About the pool... -I don't care about it.
No, no, but since your little friend brought it up, darling, about the pool...
It's not a huge pool.
It's more like a little Jacuzzi, darling.
Because I can't use that one at the spa any more.
I mean, so many people have been in it.
It's become just a sort of smoothie of old excretions.
-Mum, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. -I know you disapprove.
-I don't. -You always do. I mean,
honestly you come back with this attitude, don't you?
You haven't even noticed, darling, I've cleaned.
Look, I have cleaned this place.
I have touched and rubbed polish here, you haven't even noticed that.
-Did you? -I'm just really tired.
You're tired?
We're all tired, darling, aren't we?
I mean, I'm tired.
We're all tired, aren't we, darling?
And since I haven't got that attitude.
I'll just put them here.
Oh, yeah, looking at me. Looking at me in that way.
You always look at me, darling 'cause you disapprove.
You're looking at me, looking at what I'm wearing.
"Ooh, look, there's big, fat Mother."
-I am not thinking that, Mum! -Yeah, you are.
Actually, can I say, darling?
You may be looking quite well, but not so thin yourself.
Do I detect a slight thickening, sweetheart?
You know what that is, don't you? Cruel genetic fate.
You are turning into me!
The sausage shape that comes to us all, sweetheart, is you now.
This is self-induced indignation.
No, 'cause you are now
fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat!
That word that has haunted me my whole life
can now be a specter to you!
Oh, yeah, I'm not the only bloater around here any more, am I, darling? Ooh!
I mean, I know I might eat and drink a little bit too much,
but what's your excuse, eh, lard-arse?
How did you get so fat on AIDS rations?
I am not fat!
I'm pregnant!
Pregnant?
Yes.
Darling.
(SIGHS) What do you think?
Darling, I should think you should tell people as soon as you see them.
You don't want them thinking you're fat!