1
00:00:31,981 --> 00:00:34,080
- Morning, Saffy.
- Morning, Gran.

2
00:00:35,821 --> 00:00:39,611
Ooh, I say! Another Damien Hirst, no doubt.

3
00:00:43,223 --> 00:00:46,384
- So how are you, dear?
- I'm finel. I'm not illl.

4
00:00:48,544 --> 00:00:53,815
Sorry, Gran. With this lot to get through, there's
so many books and each says a different thing!

5
00:00:54,707 --> 00:00:56,597
There's not enough time!

6
00:00:57,028 --> 00:01:01,238
That's books for you.
Stick to a puzzler. That's what I do.

7
00:01:03,910 --> 00:01:07,029
- Cup of tea?
- Oh, that would be lovely, Gran.

8
00:01:07,631 --> 00:01:09,310
Yes, wouldn't it?

9
00:01:20,435 --> 00:01:24,504
- Big breakfast, dear?
- Gran, we've been through this every day.

10
00:01:25,235 --> 00:01:27,026
I'm pregnant!

11
00:01:27,756 --> 00:01:30,986
I'm going to have a baby!
Ty to remember from day to day!

12
00:01:31,918 --> 00:01:35,847
- I'm starting to feel rather alone.
- You shouldn't be standing there, dear.

13
00:01:36,559 --> 00:01:40,178
You should be sitting down with your feet up.
Tut-tut-tut-tut.

14
00:01:40,841 --> 00:01:43,121
(SCREECHING EERIE MUSIC)

15
00:01:52,683 --> 00:01:54,194
(EERIE LAUGHTER)

16
00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:08,646
Of course I remember you're expecting, dear.
Gran is here for you, as they say.

17
00:02:09,969 --> 00:02:12,138
It's just that, when I knit...

18
00:02:14,049 --> 00:02:16,220
..I can't think at all.

19
00:02:16,691 --> 00:02:20,381
Some people can knit...and tomato.

20
00:02:22,013 --> 00:02:23,313
I can't.

21
00:02:24,693 --> 00:02:27,672
Sometimes I can't even remember why l...

22
00:02:28,254 --> 00:02:30,923
I mean...what is this?

23
00:02:41,097 --> 00:02:44,788
(CACKLES) I'm a little baby, I'm a little baby!

24
00:02:45,459 --> 00:02:48,438
And I'm comin' to get you, I'm coming to get you!

25
00:02:49,020 --> 00:02:52,950
I'm coming to get you! Grandma! Grandma!

26
00:02:53,661 --> 00:02:56,151
(EDDIE SCREAMS)

27
00:02:57,703 --> 00:02:59,453
♪ Wheels on fire ♪

28
00:03:00,783 --> 00:03:05,524
♪ Rolling down the road ♪

29
00:03:06,344 --> 00:03:10,245
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

30
00:03:10,946 --> 00:03:12,876
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪

31
00:03:13,307 --> 00:03:16,077
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

32
00:03:22,750 --> 00:03:25,909
(SCREAMS PIERCINGLY)

33
00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,152
(DOOR BUZZER)

34
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:36,083
That'll be the midwife.
She's dropping some stuff off for me.

35
00:03:43,355 --> 00:03:45,746
- I've had that dream again, sweetheart.
- oh.

36
00:03:46,636 --> 00:03:49,796
- The one with the Daphne du Maurier midget.
- Hello.

37
00:03:54,518 --> 00:03:57,358
Hey, I need you, sweetheart!

38
00:03:57,919 --> 00:04:01,429
- Oh! Oh, you, the devil child!
- Yes, me, scay-scay!

39
00:04:05,641 --> 00:04:10,141
Right, I've got the files, the info
and all the blah blah blah that you wanted.

40
00:04:10,923 --> 00:04:15,243
- Oh, God!
- D'ye know something, I could murder a drink!

41
00:04:16,445 --> 00:04:19,356
Ooh, hello, hello, hello!

42
00:04:20,566 --> 00:04:22,527
- Tea?
- If that's all you've got.

43
00:04:22,967 --> 00:04:24,647
That's all YOU'RE getting!

44
00:04:25,608 --> 00:04:27,817
In that case, I havenae got vey long.

45
00:04:28,289 --> 00:04:32,539
I'd just better get on with it, get started.
How to have a baby!

46
00:04:34,450 --> 00:04:36,620
This is you, this is the baby.

47
00:04:37,972 --> 00:04:40,222
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

48
00:04:42,413 --> 00:04:47,963
Pelvic bone, pelvic bone! More drugs!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

49
00:04:48,894 --> 00:04:52,444
Push, woman, push! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

50
00:04:53,695 --> 00:04:55,796
Oh, it's having a rest. Here it comes!

51
00:04:56,256 --> 00:04:58,006
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

52
00:04:58,937 --> 00:05:01,608
Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh! More drugs!

53
00:05:06,819 --> 00:05:08,500
Stitch her up, Nurse.

54
00:05:10,421 --> 00:05:15,020
- Sure you still want to have it at home?
- Yes, I want to have my baby at home.

55
00:05:15,822 --> 00:05:19,012
Yeah, well not on my Bill Amberg rug, darling.
No way.

56
00:05:19,624 --> 00:05:21,974
The only thing is, if it gets any bigger,

57
00:05:22,464 --> 00:05:26,295
you could get it to the hospital
and just have it...whipped out.

58
00:05:26,986 --> 00:05:28,945
You don't want a big tomato, Saffy.

59
00:05:31,187 --> 00:05:35,857
Do you know, my baby was so big,
it treated my inside like a smorgasbord.

60
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,059
It picked my bones clean.

61
00:05:39,550 --> 00:05:41,370
I was a baby buffet.

62
00:05:43,390 --> 00:05:47,251
I was so long in labour,
they had to shave me twice.

63
00:05:49,712 --> 00:05:54,243
Ah, well, I'd better get on my way.
I've got an antenatal clinic to go to.

64
00:05:55,033 --> 00:05:57,564
3O sweaty, wobbling women

65
00:05:58,075 --> 00:06:01,515
squatting on the floor focusing on their eKit holes.

66
00:06:03,517 --> 00:06:06,846
All believing that they can breathe their way
through childbirth.

67
00:06:07,477 --> 00:06:10,147
I tell them, "When push comes to shove,

68
00:06:10,679 --> 00:06:14,538
"you'll be screaming for drugs
and shitting the bed, darling!"

69
00:06:20,121 --> 00:06:22,931
Oh, thanks vey much.
You shouldn't have bothered.

70
00:06:25,643 --> 00:06:28,482
I'll just go and say goodbye to the fat cow.

71
00:06:31,245 --> 00:06:33,344
- Mama! Mama!
- Oh, stop it, stop it!

72
00:06:33,804 --> 00:06:35,625
This is why I have the dreams.

73
00:06:37,725 --> 00:06:39,475
Oh, darling!

74
00:06:40,846 --> 00:06:43,656
Who was that woman and what was she selling?

75
00:06:44,208 --> 00:06:45,717
Oh, Gran.

76
00:06:46,209 --> 00:06:51,478
Oh, well, I suppose I'd better be off.
I've got to get this lot down to the charity shop.

77
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,120
No one's THAT poor.

78
00:06:55,131 --> 00:06:56,600
Or that shape!

79
00:06:58,491 --> 00:06:59,892
- Bye, Gran.
- Bye, dear.

80
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,622
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)

81
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:20,627
- You won't ever be called that.
- Won't ever be called that, darling!

82
00:07:21,298 --> 00:07:24,949
I shall have its tongue removed
if it begins to form the G word!

83
00:07:27,701 --> 00:07:29,980
- I'm glad we're talking.
- We're not talking.

84
00:07:36,904 --> 00:07:40,414
Did you have...you know...coitus interruptius?

85
00:07:42,105 --> 00:07:43,855
- What?
- Sex! Did you have sex?!

86
00:07:44,266 --> 00:07:47,596
- Yes, of course.
- Oh, shut up! Oh, just shut up, shut up!

87
00:07:51,148 --> 00:07:55,677
I thought it might have been a pipette
or a test tube or a drunk gay man, darling.

88
00:07:57,910 --> 00:07:59,069
No.

89
00:07:59,949 --> 00:08:01,699
- Was there a drunk?
- No.

90
00:08:02,111 --> 00:08:04,180
- Gay man, darling?
- No!

91
00:08:04,631 --> 00:08:07,681
Mum, I had a relationship
with someone I met in Africa.

92
00:08:08,273 --> 00:08:11,713
I didn't mean to get pregnant,
but I knew I wanted to keep it.

93
00:08:12,354 --> 00:08:14,143
This modern thinking, darling.

94
00:08:14,554 --> 00:08:18,034
"Oh, I think I'm having a baby,
I'd better keep it!"

95
00:08:18,676 --> 00:08:22,885
In my day, that would've been douched out
by morning, let me tell you!

96
00:08:25,158 --> 00:08:28,637
Oh, yeah, a huge tsunami of vinegar water

97
00:08:29,279 --> 00:08:32,649
would've flushed out those swimmers
mid-breaststroke, darling!

98
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,011
Did you say Africa?

99
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:43,291
Africa, darling? Were you taking
the old precautions, the old condomiana, eh?

100
00:08:44,122 --> 00:08:46,513
- Africa, sweetheart?
- Yes, of course.

101
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:49,564
You have a blood test before you even kiss!

102
00:08:50,084 --> 00:08:51,765
What a turn-on (!)

103
00:08:56,647 --> 00:08:59,876
And does HE - I'm presuming it's a he -

104
00:09:00,487 --> 00:09:03,857
does HE, the little ginger-minger
bearded blind aid worker, four foot tall...

105
00:09:04,488 --> 00:09:06,738
That's what I'm imagining, sweetheart!

106
00:09:09,290 --> 00:09:14,589
Does HE know that you are over here now -
you, Rosemary, carrying his devil's spawn?

107
00:09:18,173 --> 00:09:22,102
He's a mature student here at the lSE.
His name's John Johnson.

108
00:09:22,814 --> 00:09:25,483
We'll see how things go.
Things might be different here.

109
00:09:26,015 --> 00:09:30,405
Things might be different here, darling!
Things like not having any money!

110
00:09:31,177 --> 00:09:32,927
Oh, yeah!

111
00:09:33,336 --> 00:09:35,226
Is he gonna support it? Huh?

112
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:37,828
He's a student. I shall get a job.

113
00:09:38,299 --> 00:09:42,409
We haven't really talked about it.
I mean, he only got back last week and...

114
00:09:44,661 --> 00:09:49,191
You haven't told him, have you, darling?
You haven't told him!

115
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:55,381
He's not gonna want anything to do with that!

116
00:09:57,983 --> 00:10:02,934
Know how you're gonna end up? Some squalid
little pram-face! Oh, yes! little single mum!

117
00:10:03,786 --> 00:10:07,156
He's not gonna want anything
to do with you now, darling.

118
00:10:07,787 --> 00:10:11,996
He's coming over today.
He doesn't have to have anything to do with it.

119
00:10:12,748 --> 00:10:15,419
Oh, you are on your own! You are solo!

120
00:10:18,710 --> 00:10:20,920
I can go and live with Dad.

121
00:10:21,390 --> 00:10:25,250
All right, then, go and live with Dad!
Go and get job, live with Dad!

122
00:10:25,952 --> 00:10:30,371
If you think, darling, I am lashing my many
important clients to the publicity treadmill

123
00:10:31,153 --> 00:10:34,243
just so I can pay
for some illegitimate's panty pads...

124
00:10:35,514 --> 00:10:38,114
- Nappies!
- Nappies! I knew they were nappies!

125
00:10:38,635 --> 00:10:40,775
..you've got another think coming!

126
00:10:41,236 --> 00:10:42,467
Phew!

127
00:10:47,079 --> 00:10:49,179
- That's Patsy's place.
- She can sit over there!

128
00:10:49,638 --> 00:10:51,388
She always sits there!

129
00:11:01,162 --> 00:11:06,043
Darling, I have told her she's on her own
and we are not speaking to her. Zip!

130
00:11:07,243 --> 00:11:08,993
What is this?

131
00:11:11,525 --> 00:11:13,035
Unzip for that one.

132
00:11:13,926 --> 00:11:16,976
- A clinic. I won't say anything eke.
- No, zip, zip, zip!

133
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:21,286
- I'm 25 weeks. I'm afraid you're rather too late.
- (MUTTERS) 25 weeks!

134
00:11:21,969 --> 00:11:27,479
There's a stink in here, Eddie. There's a bit
of a vile, musky whiff of fecundity in the air.

135
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:33,231
Sorry, darling. Do you want a drink?

136
00:11:33,692 --> 00:11:37,592
- (CHIlDISH VOlCE) Yes, I do!
- I'll get you one, I'll get you one.

137
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:42,173
(SAFFY COUGHS) Mum!

138
00:11:42,695 --> 00:11:45,815
Don't be so stupid!
Smoke can't get in there, darling.

139
00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:50,665
Smoke can't touch the baby. If it could,
you'd have come out looking like prosciutto!

140
00:11:53,938 --> 00:11:56,917
- Or Donatella!
- Yes, darling! (LAUGHS)

141
00:11:58,219 --> 00:12:00,428
Liver sausage in a wig!

142
00:12:01,499 --> 00:12:07,929
Because you're pregnant doesn't mean we have
to worship your swollen, fat, pregnant little toes!

143
00:12:08,982 --> 00:12:13,332
The thought of that specimen's feet!
It's like a purge! I think I'm gonna throw up!

144
00:12:14,744 --> 00:12:19,974
What? What are you going to throw up?
You don't eat and you barely breathe!

145
00:12:22,346 --> 00:12:26,555
Your body has no natural functions left!
How dare you be offended by mine!

146
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:34,928
- Natural?! Nat... Oh, hang on, Eddie.
- Steady, Pats.

147
00:12:35,549 --> 00:12:40,500
- Just keep my place here, won't you, darling?
- I'll keep your place. I'll keep my feet on there.

148
00:12:41,352 --> 00:12:43,742
Natural?

149
00:12:44,232 --> 00:12:49,041
Do you think in the "natural" world
you wouldn't have been strangled at birth?

150
00:12:49,874 --> 00:12:53,563
You wouldn't have lived to see the sun rise
let alone breed!

151
00:12:54,235 --> 00:12:57,465
(WEIRD HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Sometimes it's kinder!

152
00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:00,967
- I'm not saying anything eke, Eddie!
- No, that's it.

153
00:13:01,477 --> 00:13:04,806
John is coming over.
It'd help me if you weren't here.

154
00:13:05,438 --> 00:13:07,609
- Book club, Eddie.
- Book club?

155
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:12,119
Yes, book club, darling. Our book club.
We'd better get ready for our book club.

156
00:13:12,841 --> 00:13:16,601
You, your foetus and your sperm donor
won't have to put up with us!

157
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:21,042
It kicked!

158
00:13:21,442 --> 00:13:23,723
Of course it did. Who wouldn't?

159
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:29,034
I'm tempted myself!

160
00:13:32,726 --> 00:13:36,205
- The father, are we going to ignore him?
- Just ignore them, Eddie.

161
00:13:36,848 --> 00:13:39,657
- Ignore them.
- This is book club. Who's coming today?

162
00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:43,369
- Oh, darling, it's me, you, Mariella Frostrup.
- uhhh.

163
00:13:43,970 --> 00:13:48,289
But she's coming 'cause she says she's gonna
bring Geri Halliwell, Trudi Styler and Liz Hurley.

164
00:13:50,411 --> 00:13:53,642
- Oh, and Plum.
- Little Plum Buckley, queen of the spas.

165
00:13:54,253 --> 00:13:56,922
She's the embodiment
of the Condè Nast traveller.

166
00:13:57,974 --> 00:14:00,953
She is New Age philosophy
with a Cartier wristwatch.

167
00:14:01,534 --> 00:14:03,255
We should get in with her.

168
00:14:03,655 --> 00:14:07,304
She is our ticket to five-star lucky pampering
on a global scale!

169
00:14:07,977 --> 00:14:10,397
Spas are the holiday for the urban stress-out.

170
00:14:10,898 --> 00:14:14,797
I am an urban stress-out.
I've got urban stress, haven't l, sweetheart?

171
00:14:15,499 --> 00:14:19,149
Plum has put health spas and Shambhala clinics
in every Third World nation!

172
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:23,309
Hot stone massage and salt scrub wrap in Kabul

173
00:14:23,901 --> 00:14:26,570
to the exotic sound of small-arms fire!

174
00:14:28,663 --> 00:14:30,033
Yes, darling.

175
00:14:30,383 --> 00:14:36,353
And just families of refugees herded over
Western bodies to stamp out the cellulite!

176
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:41,804
- Tone with the Tuareg, massage with the Masai!
- Yeah, there's oink and the oink!

177
00:14:42,586 --> 00:14:45,706
- And the water and the water!
- Got to get in with Plum.

178
00:14:46,307 --> 00:14:50,378
Darling, Plum is quite a complex character.
No, Eddie, Eddie, just treat her with respect.

179
00:14:51,109 --> 00:14:55,078
- Don't just go bulldozing in!
- I won't bulldoze in there! Get to know Plum.

180
00:14:55,790 --> 00:14:59,969
- That's it, yeah.
- And read books, of course. Here's Mariella.

181
00:15:00,711 --> 00:15:02,392
(ALL) Hi.

182
00:15:03,232 --> 00:15:05,692
- Where's Liz Hurley?
- Oh, she couldn't make it.

183
00:15:06,914 --> 00:15:10,424
- Still searching for a father.
- But you promised!

184
00:15:11,074 --> 00:15:13,035
- No, I didn't.
- Where's Geri Halliwell?

185
00:15:13,475 --> 00:15:15,725
Still chubbing up at a fat farm?

186
00:15:16,195 --> 00:15:18,896
- Where's Plum?
- She's down there doing corpse.

187
00:15:19,436 --> 00:15:21,257
What? Where? Ahhhh!

188
00:15:21,678 --> 00:15:25,577
- Owwwww! Jesus Christ!
- Plum, darling, are you all right?

189
00:15:26,279 --> 00:15:30,808
Don't touch me! Mr Chang says I mustn't
be touched. My skin cells have to replenish.

190
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,860
- I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
- I have been scrubbed with beetle husk.

191
00:15:35,481 --> 00:15:39,172
Oh, I'm so sorry.
He's sandpapered you to the bone.

192
00:15:39,842 --> 00:15:42,933
I was. There's only one layer of skin
holding me in.

193
00:15:44,124 --> 00:15:47,493
I can't get up now, I'm in another life.
Wake me up again.

194
00:15:49,725 --> 00:15:54,396
I didn't know she was there.
I thought it was a bit of sushi. I couldn't see her.

195
00:15:55,207 --> 00:15:57,628
- I can see her brain beating.
- Yeah.

196
00:15:59,248 --> 00:16:01,208
- Are you corpse?
- Mm.

197
00:16:04,810 --> 00:16:07,229
(SINGSONG VOlCE) Armani and Ungaro, too!

198
00:16:07,730 --> 00:16:09,941
Armani and Ungaro, too!

199
00:16:11,611 --> 00:16:12,912
(PING!)

200
00:16:13,252 --> 00:16:16,133
- You have woken the dead!
- I need a cushion.

201
00:16:16,694 --> 00:16:18,794
- Cushion!
- My old colonic injury.

202
00:16:19,254 --> 00:16:22,415
Cushion for Plum.
There we are, sweetheart, there we are.

203
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:28,595
Sorry I'm in such a foul mood. I'm was in a spa
in Chad last week. There was a local rebellion.

204
00:16:29,538 --> 00:16:31,607
They bound me with an enema tube

205
00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:36,627
and pinned me to the table with hot stones
for three hours and they took everything!

206
00:16:37,420 --> 00:16:40,609
- Watch, credit card! It was a nightmare!
- Oh, spa nightmare, darling!

207
00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:42,661
Tragic.

208
00:16:43,021 --> 00:16:46,710
She needs hydrating! Get something for Plum!
Are you all right, darling?

209
00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:50,362
- Would you like a nibble?
- Not nibbles!

210
00:16:50,944 --> 00:16:54,064
Plum, come on, hydrate. I'll just... Ahhh, so calm.

211
00:17:01,027 --> 00:17:04,006
- Hi, John.
- My angel!

212
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:07,638
- I had a little difficulty finding the property.
- Oh, sorry.

213
00:17:09,589 --> 00:17:11,978
- I think I bit your nose.
- It's OK.

214
00:17:12,469 --> 00:17:14,329
- How are you?
- I'm well.

215
00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:18,300
I got all your letters, all your news.
It was marvellous.

216
00:17:18,952 --> 00:17:22,781
And the paper! Was it a vellum?
It was such good quality.

217
00:17:23,472 --> 00:17:28,113
I think it was embossed, which is vey good
because it absorbs the ink more thoroughly.

218
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:32,004
- What was the make of that paper?
- I can't remember.

219
00:17:32,596 --> 00:17:37,265
I don't normally read. Well, I mean,
I don't normally read anything, but I read this.

220
00:17:38,076 --> 00:17:41,336
- Well done, you. Well, it is major themes.
- Thank you.

221
00:17:41,959 --> 00:17:43,609
Major themes.

222
00:17:44,879 --> 00:17:46,558
Did you read it?

223
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,690
Well, yeah, yeah, but I skimmed. I'm a skimmer.

224
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:56,531
- It's about the two realities of America.
- The immigrant and the old establishment.

225
00:17:57,282 --> 00:18:00,332
Let's hope she doesn't become
a symbol of fate.

226
00:18:00,924 --> 00:18:02,604
I agree! What do you think?

227
00:18:05,564 --> 00:18:06,794
Who?!

228
00:18:07,126 --> 00:18:10,146
We're talking about the main character!
Catherine Zeta-Jones!

229
00:18:10,727 --> 00:18:12,096
Oh, God!

230
00:18:13,448 --> 00:18:18,438
Darling, Catherine Zeta-Jones?
We're not still on her, are we?

231
00:18:19,288 --> 00:18:21,959
- I'm on Liza Minnelli.
- Yes, so am I.

232
00:18:22,489 --> 00:18:27,440
She's like a vey old chick
that's not quite pecked her way out of the egg.

233
00:18:28,291 --> 00:18:32,501
- Why's a coconut growing out of her head?
- That's not a coconut, that's her husband.

234
00:18:33,252 --> 00:18:35,713
Oh, I love little Liza. She always hugs me.

235
00:18:36,214 --> 00:18:39,124
It's not a hug.
That's how she moves around the room.

236
00:18:39,695 --> 00:18:43,625
Swinging from friend to friend
like a crazed spider monkey.

237
00:18:44,336 --> 00:18:48,657
Hello, how are ya? Hello, how are ya?
Hello, how are ya? Hello, how are ya?

238
00:18:49,418 --> 00:18:52,678
Hello, how are ya? Life is a cabaret!

239
00:18:54,499 --> 00:18:56,319
Humanity is her crutch.

240
00:18:56,740 --> 00:18:58,839
- Nibble?
- No! Not nibbles!

241
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,871
- This is such a nice building.
- Yes.

242
00:19:05,183 --> 00:19:07,572
- How have you been?
- I've been well.

243
00:19:08,062 --> 00:19:12,983
You know in your letter on the good paper
you said that it was cold here?

244
00:19:13,824 --> 00:19:18,844
I can't see that. I think the temperature is vey
satisfactory. What is the system of heating?

245
00:19:21,306 --> 00:19:23,336
- What?
- How is the house heated?

246
00:19:23,787 --> 00:19:25,607
Oh...it's central heating.

247
00:19:26,028 --> 00:19:28,348
Oh, combination?

248
00:19:28,828 --> 00:19:33,219
Must be a Valiant 350
to heat a building of this size.

249
00:19:33,991 --> 00:19:35,921
- Where is it situated?
- I don't know.

250
00:19:36,351 --> 00:19:38,452
Listen, I really need to talk to you.

251
00:19:38,912 --> 00:19:40,452
Um...ahem...um...

252
00:19:41,312 --> 00:19:45,243
I need to know where we stand.
Are we still together?

253
00:19:45,954 --> 00:19:49,924
Oh, yes, I want to continue
the relationship with you.

254
00:19:50,636 --> 00:19:52,146
You are my girl.

255
00:19:56,276 --> 00:19:57,957
- John?
- Yes?

256
00:19:58,357 --> 00:20:01,198
- What are you thinking?
- What am I thinking?

257
00:20:02,639 --> 00:20:04,358
Be honest.

258
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,079
- I was wondering...
- Yes?

259
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,810
What is holding up the ceiling?

260
00:20:12,841 --> 00:20:15,371
- Shall we start?
- I thought we had.

261
00:20:18,363 --> 00:20:22,363
- Shall I do the apologies?
- Oh, for goodness' sake!

262
00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:26,205
- Go on, then! Quickly!
- (ECHOING) Apologies from Geri.

263
00:20:26,805 --> 00:20:30,355
- She's so, so-o-o sorry.
- (EDDIE) Get on with it!

264
00:20:31,007 --> 00:20:33,957
(ECHOlNG) liz can't make it. She's sorry.

265
00:20:34,527 --> 00:20:37,968
- (WAVERING DEEP VOICE)
- Get on with it!

266
00:20:38,609 --> 00:20:40,930
Nicole is weeping with regret!

267
00:20:41,410 --> 00:20:43,660
Oh...stop it!

268
00:20:45,291 --> 00:20:47,682
Names, names, names, blah, blah, blah!.

269
00:20:48,172 --> 00:20:51,581
Sorry, name, sorry, name, sorry, name.
Blah, blah, blah. And Princess Anne?

270
00:20:52,214 --> 00:20:56,254
- Can't just be us! I'm not sitting here on my own!
- No, darling.

271
00:20:56,975 --> 00:21:01,364
- Don't look at me! You're the celebrity PR!
- You're supposed to know everyone!

272
00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:05,686
"Ooh, I'm George Clooney's best friend!"
"Here's me and Hugh Grant."

273
00:21:06,337 --> 00:21:09,498
- You're at Immigration with a microphone!
- So?

274
00:21:10,098 --> 00:21:13,749
I've seen you spreadeagled
on every red carpet in town, darling!

275
00:21:14,420 --> 00:21:18,349
- Where's Geri? Where's Marie Helvin?
- We don't want them! They'll say yes.

276
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:22,751
They've said yes before you've pressed
the first telephone number!

277
00:21:23,423 --> 00:21:27,743
- We want the people who say no!
- What about Joan Collins?

278
00:21:28,504 --> 00:21:32,014
She's in liquid form.
We'd have to pour her in and paste her together!

279
00:21:34,385 --> 00:21:36,875
Plum, could Julia Robert's' lips get any bigger?

280
00:21:37,386 --> 00:21:40,017
looks as if she's giving birth to her own head!

281
00:21:43,908 --> 00:21:45,699
Oh, darling, Plum, Plum, Plum!

282
00:21:46,108 --> 00:21:49,088
RenÈe Zellweger or blowfish?
It's the same thing!

283
00:21:49,670 --> 00:21:51,740
- Oh, Plum!
- Who's Dane Winston?

284
00:21:52,191 --> 00:21:55,070
No, that's Dale Winton, darling. Why?

285
00:21:55,631 --> 00:21:57,881
- He looks like my luggage.
- Yes.

286
00:21:59,832 --> 00:22:04,543
- Are we going to talk about a book?
- We've only done ten minutes on the mags.

287
00:22:05,354 --> 00:22:07,745
Some of us haven't got all afternoon.

288
00:22:08,236 --> 00:22:09,915
Are you in a time warp?

289
00:22:11,636 --> 00:22:13,886
Darling, let's talk to Plum.

290
00:22:17,637 --> 00:22:22,837
Darling, all these little freebies you get. Could
Pats and I get a free holiday with Condè Nast?

291
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:27,720
- You have to write an article about them.
- Oh. Well, I can write.

292
00:22:28,441 --> 00:22:30,261
More than 200 words?

293
00:22:30,682 --> 00:22:33,141
No, no. I couldn't do that!

294
00:22:33,642 --> 00:22:36,523
Frankly, you earn it. Peep-peep.
I'm off the Prozac.

295
00:22:37,923 --> 00:22:41,333
- Mr Chang's given me Dong Chong Xia Cao.
- Oh, is that Winter Worm?

296
00:22:41,965 --> 00:22:44,064
- Opens my porrtak.
- Yes, it would.

297
00:22:47,926 --> 00:22:52,636
Fascinating though your medical condition is,
this is a book club.

298
00:22:53,449 --> 00:22:55,549
A BOOK club.

299
00:22:56,009 --> 00:22:58,989
So I suggest we take out our BOOKS

300
00:22:59,569 --> 00:23:01,960
and spend let's say five minutes

301
00:23:02,451 --> 00:23:06,660
on the pocket-sized, abridged version
of "The Picture Of Dorian Gray".

302
00:23:07,412 --> 00:23:09,273
- Oh, I can't!.
- It's tiny!

303
00:23:09,693 --> 00:23:11,832
It's the smallest book I could find.

304
00:23:20,335 --> 00:23:22,365
I'm going to feed my meter.

305
00:23:23,737 --> 00:23:25,317
With nibbles?

306
00:23:26,377 --> 00:23:28,198
I think I'll join her.

307
00:23:30,019 --> 00:23:35,499
- Well, thank you, Mariella Frostrup!
- Brilliant. I can't think what I'm doing here.

308
00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:43,911
Saffron, I can't work out
if this is a P-trap or an S-trap.

309
00:23:44,543 --> 00:23:48,233
John, listen, will you just sit down?
I need to talk to you seriously.

310
00:23:52,706 --> 00:23:56,986
- I really loved my time with you in Uganda.
- Oh, thank you.

311
00:23:57,747 --> 00:24:01,077
John, do you remember
almost exactly 25 weeks ago

312
00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:05,078
we were at the UN Globalisation
and Social Order talk in Lueto?

313
00:24:05,710 --> 00:24:10,379
- Yes, that was marvellous.
- But do you remember what happened after?

314
00:24:11,190 --> 00:24:13,360
Oh, yes.

315
00:24:13,832 --> 00:24:15,901
The seminar. That was fascinating.

316
00:24:17,273 --> 00:24:20,432
No, after that. We went out.

317
00:24:21,034 --> 00:24:23,804
- Yes.
- To that bar in the Hotel Sunshine.

318
00:24:24,354 --> 00:24:27,934
Who was there? I always remember
according to who was there.

319
00:24:28,955 --> 00:24:30,845
I was there.

320
00:24:31,277 --> 00:24:35,247
- Then we took the lake road back to your tent.
- Yes, yes.

321
00:24:35,957 --> 00:24:38,058
And...I stayed the night and...

322
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:43,050
You mean the night we had intimate relations?

323
00:24:43,599 --> 00:24:45,990
- Yes!
- Why didn't you say so?

324
00:24:46,481 --> 00:24:49,991
"Don't you remember 25 weeks ago
when we had intimate relations?"

325
00:24:51,442 --> 00:24:52,983
John, l...

326
00:24:55,363 --> 00:24:57,994
- What are you looking for?
- The way out.

327
00:25:01,486 --> 00:25:04,185
(RHYTHMIC CLICKING)

328
00:25:22,131 --> 00:25:25,711
I don't want another baby in the house!
All babies hate me!

329
00:25:26,372 --> 00:25:31,813
I've had enough of this white blob that's gonna
be raised to hate me! I don't want that!

330
00:25:33,575 --> 00:25:37,085
Darling Plum, I think, Plum... Plum? Plum? Ooh!

331
00:25:38,536 --> 00:25:39,905
Hello!

332
00:25:40,936 --> 00:25:44,196
How do you do?
Do you know where the boiler is?

333
00:25:44,818 --> 00:25:48,227
Funny you should say that,
I'm looking for a rising main myself!

334
00:25:48,859 --> 00:25:51,029
I need my ring sealed.

335
00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:56,070
I know the gutter's sagging, but...
any chance of a plunger up the waste pipe?

336
00:25:58,621 --> 00:26:01,112
- You are a vey fine-looking woman.
- Thank you.

337
00:26:01,622 --> 00:26:06,083
I wouldn't want to offend you, but I'm having
a relationship with this young lady here.

338
00:26:06,865 --> 00:26:08,755
Get out!

339
00:26:09,624 --> 00:26:11,724
Oh, Plum. Oh, darling.

340
00:26:14,027 --> 00:26:18,557
Come on, darling. Come on, sweetheart.
Just keep it in till we get upstairs.

341
00:26:21,069 --> 00:26:22,299
Open.

342
00:26:24,949 --> 00:26:27,580
I'm going to do a salutation to the sun.

343
00:26:29,990 --> 00:26:31,920
- Hold me, Pats.
- Yeah, I am.

344
00:26:32,352 --> 00:26:35,161
- Is that your daughter downstairs?
- Did you see her?

345
00:26:35,712 --> 00:26:39,222
- Bit fat, isn't she?
- She's not fat, she's pregnant.

346
00:26:39,874 --> 00:26:43,243
- Yes, well, anyway...
- By that big black guy?

347
00:26:43,875 --> 00:26:46,404
- What?
- Is she pregnant by that big black guy?

348
00:26:46,915 --> 00:26:49,445
Shut up, Plum, just salute the sun!

349
00:26:49,956 --> 00:26:52,867
- Pats?
- No, Eddie.

350
00:26:53,437 --> 00:26:55,298
He's black?

351
00:27:01,239 --> 00:27:03,699
I'm gonna have a mixed-race baby, darling!

352
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,500
- It makes no difference, it's still a baby!
- It makes a difference!

353
00:27:08,122 --> 00:27:13,042
A mixed-race baby is the finest accessory
anyone in my position could ever have!

354
00:27:13,884 --> 00:27:16,054
It's the must-have of the season!

355
00:27:16,525 --> 00:27:20,035
- It's the Chanel of babies!
- No, Eddie! Eddie! Oh!

356
00:27:23,206 --> 00:27:25,627
(REGGAE MUSIC)

357
00:27:45,533 --> 00:27:47,813
What are you tying to say?

358
00:27:48,294 --> 00:27:51,554
- I'm...
- (EDDIE SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY)

359
00:27:52,174 --> 00:27:55,865
Darling, it's going to be all right, darling!
Mama was wrong!

360
00:27:56,536 --> 00:27:59,866
I want the baby, I'll pay for the baby,
I'll support the baby!

361
00:28:00,496 --> 00:28:03,587
He's the father, we don't want him!
We don't need him!

362
00:28:04,177 --> 00:28:08,568
Cool single mum! We don't need him!
I'm gonna love baby, me love babies!

363
00:28:11,740 --> 00:28:13,351
..pregnant.

364
00:28:17,181 --> 00:28:19,642
♪ Wheels on fire ♪

365
00:28:20,143 --> 00:28:24,853
♪ Rolling down the road ♪

366
00:28:25,664 --> 00:28:29,565
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

367
00:28:30,265 --> 00:28:35,675
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪

368
00:28:36,868 --> 00:28:39,677
- Pregnant?
- Yes.

369
00:28:40,228 --> 00:28:42,718
- Oh, my darling!
- What do you think?

370
00:28:43,229 --> 00:28:49,340
Tell everyone when you first see them.
You don't want them to think you're fat.

371
00:28:50,352 --> 00:28:55,971
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪