- Morning, Saffy. - Morning, Gran.
Ooh, I say! Another Damien Hirst, no doubt.
- So how are you, dear? - I'm finel. I'm not illl.
Sorry, Gran. With this lot to get through, there's so many books and each says a different thing!
There's not enough time!
That's books for you. Stick to a puzzler. That's what I do.
- Cup of tea? - Oh, that would be lovely, Gran.
Yes, wouldn't it?
- Big breakfast, dear? - Gran, we've been through this every day.
I'm pregnant!
I'm going to have a baby! Ty to remember from day to day!
- I'm starting to feel rather alone. - You shouldn't be standing there, dear.
You should be sitting down with your feet up. Tut-tut-tut-tut.
(SCREECHING EERIE MUSIC)
(EERIE LAUGHTER)
Of course I remember you're expecting, dear. Gran is here for you, as they say.
It's just that, when I knit...
..I can't think at all.
Some people can knit...and tomato.
I can't.
Sometimes I can't even remember why l...
I mean...what is this?
(CACKLES) I'm a little baby, I'm a little baby!
And I'm comin' to get you, I'm coming to get you!
I'm coming to get you! Grandma! Grandma!
(EDDIE SCREAMS)
♪ Wheels on fire ♪
♪ Rolling down the road ♪
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(SCREAMS PIERCINGLY)
(DOOR BUZZER)
That'll be the midwife. She's dropping some stuff off for me.
- I've had that dream again, sweetheart. - oh.
- The one with the Daphne du Maurier midget. - Hello.
Hey, I need you, sweetheart!
- Oh! Oh, you, the devil child! - Yes, me, scay-scay!
Right, I've got the files, the info and all the blah blah blah that you wanted.
- Oh, God! - D'ye know something, I could murder a drink!
Ooh, hello, hello, hello!
- Tea? - If that's all you've got.
That's all YOU'RE getting!
In that case, I havenae got vey long.
I'd just better get on with it, get started. How to have a baby!
This is you, this is the baby.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Pelvic bone, pelvic bone! More drugs! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Push, woman, push! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Oh, it's having a rest. Here it comes!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh! More drugs!
Stitch her up, Nurse.
- Sure you still want to have it at home? - Yes, I want to have my baby at home.
Yeah, well not on my Bill Amberg rug, darling. No way.
The only thing is, if it gets any bigger,
you could get it to the hospital and just have it...whipped out.
You don't want a big tomato, Saffy.
Do you know, my baby was so big, it treated my inside like a smorgasbord.
It picked my bones clean.
I was a baby buffet.
I was so long in labour, they had to shave me twice.
Ah, well, I'd better get on my way. I've got an antenatal clinic to go to.
3O sweaty, wobbling women
squatting on the floor focusing on their eKit holes.
All believing that they can breathe their way through childbirth.
I tell them, "When push comes to shove,
"you'll be screaming for drugs and shitting the bed, darling!"
Oh, thanks vey much. You shouldn't have bothered.
I'll just go and say goodbye to the fat cow.
- Mama! Mama! - Oh, stop it, stop it!
This is why I have the dreams.
Oh, darling!
Who was that woman and what was she selling?
Oh, Gran.
Oh, well, I suppose I'd better be off. I've got to get this lot down to the charity shop.
No one's THAT poor.
Or that shape!
- Bye, Gran. - Bye, dear.
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)
- You won't ever be called that. - Won't ever be called that, darling!
I shall have its tongue removed if it begins to form the G word!
- I'm glad we're talking. - We're not talking.
Did you have...you know...coitus interruptius?
- What? - Sex! Did you have sex?!
- Yes, of course. - Oh, shut up! Oh, just shut up, shut up!
I thought it might have been a pipette or a test tube or a drunk gay man, darling.
No.
- Was there a drunk? - No.
- Gay man, darling? - No!
Mum, I had a relationship with someone I met in Africa.
I didn't mean to get pregnant, but I knew I wanted to keep it.
This modern thinking, darling.
"Oh, I think I'm having a baby, I'd better keep it!"
In my day, that would've been douched out by morning, let me tell you!
Oh, yeah, a huge tsunami of vinegar water
would've flushed out those swimmers mid-breaststroke, darling!
Did you say Africa?
Africa, darling? Were you taking the old precautions, the old condomiana, eh?
- Africa, sweetheart? - Yes, of course.
You have a blood test before you even kiss!
What a turn-on (!)
And does HE - I'm presuming it's a he -
does HE, the little ginger-minger bearded blind aid worker, four foot tall...
That's what I'm imagining, sweetheart!
Does HE know that you are over here now - you, Rosemary, carrying his devil's spawn?
He's a mature student here at the lSE. His name's John Johnson.
We'll see how things go. Things might be different here.
Things might be different here, darling! Things like not having any money!
Oh, yeah!
Is he gonna support it? Huh?
He's a student. I shall get a job.
We haven't really talked about it. I mean, he only got back last week and...
You haven't told him, have you, darling? You haven't told him!
He's not gonna want anything to do with that!
Know how you're gonna end up? Some squalid little pram-face! Oh, yes! little single mum!
He's not gonna want anything to do with you now, darling.
He's coming over today. He doesn't have to have anything to do with it.
Oh, you are on your own! You are solo!
I can go and live with Dad.
All right, then, go and live with Dad! Go and get job, live with Dad!
If you think, darling, I am lashing my many important clients to the publicity treadmill
just so I can pay for some illegitimate's panty pads...
- Nappies! - Nappies! I knew they were nappies!
..you've got another think coming!
Phew!
- That's Patsy's place. - She can sit over there!
She always sits there!
Darling, I have told her she's on her own and we are not speaking to her. Zip!
What is this?
Unzip for that one.
- A clinic. I won't say anything eke. - No, zip, zip, zip!
- I'm 25 weeks. I'm afraid you're rather too late. - (MUTTERS) 25 weeks!
There's a stink in here, Eddie. There's a bit of a vile, musky whiff of fecundity in the air.
Sorry, darling. Do you want a drink?
- (CHIlDISH VOlCE) Yes, I do! - I'll get you one, I'll get you one.
(SAFFY COUGHS) Mum!
Don't be so stupid! Smoke can't get in there, darling.
Smoke can't touch the baby. If it could, you'd have come out looking like prosciutto!
- Or Donatella! - Yes, darling! (LAUGHS)
Liver sausage in a wig!
Because you're pregnant doesn't mean we have to worship your swollen, fat, pregnant little toes!
The thought of that specimen's feet! It's like a purge! I think I'm gonna throw up!
What? What are you going to throw up? You don't eat and you barely breathe!
Your body has no natural functions left! How dare you be offended by mine!
- Natural?! Nat... Oh, hang on, Eddie. - Steady, Pats.
- Just keep my place here, won't you, darling? - I'll keep your place. I'll keep my feet on there.
Natural?
Do you think in the "natural" world you wouldn't have been strangled at birth?
You wouldn't have lived to see the sun rise let alone breed!
(WEIRD HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Sometimes it's kinder!
- I'm not saying anything eke, Eddie! - No, that's it.
John is coming over. It'd help me if you weren't here.
- Book club, Eddie. - Book club?
Yes, book club, darling. Our book club. We'd better get ready for our book club.
You, your foetus and your sperm donor won't have to put up with us!
It kicked!
Of course it did. Who wouldn't?
I'm tempted myself!
- The father, are we going to ignore him? - Just ignore them, Eddie.
- Ignore them. - This is book club. Who's coming today?
- Oh, darling, it's me, you, Mariella Frostrup. - uhhh.
But she's coming 'cause she says she's gonna bring Geri Halliwell, Trudi Styler and Liz Hurley.
- Oh, and Plum. - Little Plum Buckley, queen of the spas.
She's the embodiment of the Condè Nast traveller.
She is New Age philosophy with a Cartier wristwatch.
We should get in with her.
She is our ticket to five-star lucky pampering on a global scale!
Spas are the holiday for the urban stress-out.
I am an urban stress-out. I've got urban stress, haven't l, sweetheart?
Plum has put health spas and Shambhala clinics in every Third World nation!
Hot stone massage and salt scrub wrap in Kabul
to the exotic sound of small-arms fire!
Yes, darling.
And just families of refugees herded over Western bodies to stamp out the cellulite!
- Tone with the Tuareg, massage with the Masai! - Yeah, there's oink and the oink!
- And the water and the water! - Got to get in with Plum.
Darling, Plum is quite a complex character. No, Eddie, Eddie, just treat her with respect.
- Don't just go bulldozing in! - I won't bulldoze in there! Get to know Plum.
- That's it, yeah. - And read books, of course. Here's Mariella.
(ALL) Hi.
- Where's Liz Hurley? - Oh, she couldn't make it.
- Still searching for a father. - But you promised!
- No, I didn't. - Where's Geri Halliwell?
Still chubbing up at a fat farm?
- Where's Plum? - She's down there doing corpse.
What? Where? Ahhhh!
- Owwwww! Jesus Christ! - Plum, darling, are you all right?
Don't touch me! Mr Chang says I mustn't be touched. My skin cells have to replenish.
- I'm so sorry, sweetheart. - I have been scrubbed with beetle husk.
Oh, I'm so sorry. He's sandpapered you to the bone.
I was. There's only one layer of skin holding me in.
I can't get up now, I'm in another life. Wake me up again.
I didn't know she was there. I thought it was a bit of sushi. I couldn't see her.
- I can see her brain beating. - Yeah.
- Are you corpse? - Mm.
(SINGSONG VOlCE) Armani and Ungaro, too!
Armani and Ungaro, too!
(PING!)
- You have woken the dead! - I need a cushion.
- Cushion! - My old colonic injury.
Cushion for Plum. There we are, sweetheart, there we are.
Sorry I'm in such a foul mood. I'm was in a spa in Chad last week. There was a local rebellion.
They bound me with an enema tube
and pinned me to the table with hot stones for three hours and they took everything!
- Watch, credit card! It was a nightmare! - Oh, spa nightmare, darling!
Tragic.
She needs hydrating! Get something for Plum! Are you all right, darling?
- Would you like a nibble? - Not nibbles!
Plum, come on, hydrate. I'll just... Ahhh, so calm.
- Hi, John. - My angel!
- I had a little difficulty finding the property. - Oh, sorry.
- I think I bit your nose. - It's OK.
- How are you? - I'm well.
I got all your letters, all your news. It was marvellous.
And the paper! Was it a vellum? It was such good quality.
I think it was embossed, which is vey good because it absorbs the ink more thoroughly.
- What was the make of that paper? - I can't remember.
I don't normally read. Well, I mean, I don't normally read anything, but I read this.
- Well done, you. Well, it is major themes. - Thank you.
Major themes.
Did you read it?
Well, yeah, yeah, but I skimmed. I'm a skimmer.
- It's about the two realities of America. - The immigrant and the old establishment.
Let's hope she doesn't become a symbol of fate.
I agree! What do you think?
Who?!
We're talking about the main character! Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Oh, God!
Darling, Catherine Zeta-Jones? We're not still on her, are we?
- I'm on Liza Minnelli. - Yes, so am I.
She's like a vey old chick that's not quite pecked her way out of the egg.
- Why's a coconut growing out of her head? - That's not a coconut, that's her husband.
Oh, I love little Liza. She always hugs me.
It's not a hug. That's how she moves around the room.
Swinging from friend to friend like a crazed spider monkey.
Hello, how are ya? Hello, how are ya? Hello, how are ya? Hello, how are ya?
Hello, how are ya? Life is a cabaret!
Humanity is her crutch.
- Nibble? - No! Not nibbles!
- This is such a nice building. - Yes.
- How have you been? - I've been well.
You know in your letter on the good paper you said that it was cold here?
I can't see that. I think the temperature is vey satisfactory. What is the system of heating?
- What? - How is the house heated?
Oh...it's central heating.
Oh, combination?
Must be a Valiant 350 to heat a building of this size.
- Where is it situated? - I don't know.
Listen, I really need to talk to you.
Um...ahem...um...
I need to know where we stand. Are we still together?
Oh, yes, I want to continue the relationship with you.
You are my girl.
- John? - Yes?
- What are you thinking? - What am I thinking?
Be honest.
- I was wondering... - Yes?
What is holding up the ceiling?
- Shall we start? - I thought we had.
- Shall I do the apologies? - Oh, for goodness' sake!
- Go on, then! Quickly! - (ECHOING) Apologies from Geri.
- She's so, so-o-o sorry. - (EDDIE) Get on with it!
(ECHOlNG) liz can't make it. She's sorry.
- (WAVERING DEEP VOICE) - Get on with it!
Nicole is weeping with regret!
Oh...stop it!
Names, names, names, blah, blah, blah!.
Sorry, name, sorry, name, sorry, name. Blah, blah, blah. And Princess Anne?
- Can't just be us! I'm not sitting here on my own! - No, darling.
- Don't look at me! You're the celebrity PR! - You're supposed to know everyone!
"Ooh, I'm George Clooney's best friend!" "Here's me and Hugh Grant."
- You're at Immigration with a microphone! - So?
I've seen you spreadeagled on every red carpet in town, darling!
- Where's Geri? Where's Marie Helvin? - We don't want them! They'll say yes.
They've said yes before you've pressed the first telephone number!
- We want the people who say no! - What about Joan Collins?
She's in liquid form. We'd have to pour her in and paste her together!
Plum, could Julia Robert's' lips get any bigger?
looks as if she's giving birth to her own head!
Oh, darling, Plum, Plum, Plum!
RenÈe Zellweger or blowfish? It's the same thing!
- Oh, Plum! - Who's Dane Winston?
No, that's Dale Winton, darling. Why?
- He looks like my luggage. - Yes.
- Are we going to talk about a book? - We've only done ten minutes on the mags.
Some of us haven't got all afternoon.
Are you in a time warp?
Darling, let's talk to Plum.
Darling, all these little freebies you get. Could Pats and I get a free holiday with Condè Nast?
- You have to write an article about them. - Oh. Well, I can write.
More than 200 words?
No, no. I couldn't do that!
Frankly, you earn it. Peep-peep. I'm off the Prozac.
- Mr Chang's given me Dong Chong Xia Cao. - Oh, is that Winter Worm?
- Opens my porrtak. - Yes, it would.
Fascinating though your medical condition is, this is a book club.
A BOOK club.
So I suggest we take out our BOOKS
and spend let's say five minutes
on the pocket-sized, abridged version of "The Picture Of Dorian Gray".
- Oh, I can't!. - It's tiny!
It's the smallest book I could find.
I'm going to feed my meter.
With nibbles?
I think I'll join her.
- Well, thank you, Mariella Frostrup! - Brilliant. I can't think what I'm doing here.
Saffron, I can't work out if this is a P-trap or an S-trap.
John, listen, will you just sit down? I need to talk to you seriously.
- I really loved my time with you in Uganda. - Oh, thank you.
John, do you remember almost exactly 25 weeks ago
we were at the UN Globalisation and Social Order talk in Lueto?
- Yes, that was marvellous. - But do you remember what happened after?
Oh, yes.
The seminar. That was fascinating.
No, after that. We went out.
- Yes. - To that bar in the Hotel Sunshine.
Who was there? I always remember according to who was there.
I was there.
- Then we took the lake road back to your tent. - Yes, yes.
And...I stayed the night and...
You mean the night we had intimate relations?
- Yes! - Why didn't you say so?
"Don't you remember 25 weeks ago when we had intimate relations?"
John, l...
- What are you looking for? - The way out.
(RHYTHMIC CLICKING)
I don't want another baby in the house! All babies hate me!
I've had enough of this white blob that's gonna be raised to hate me! I don't want that!
Darling Plum, I think, Plum... Plum? Plum? Ooh!
Hello!
How do you do? Do you know where the boiler is?
Funny you should say that, I'm looking for a rising main myself!
I need my ring sealed.
I know the gutter's sagging, but... any chance of a plunger up the waste pipe?
- You are a vey fine-looking woman. - Thank you.
I wouldn't want to offend you, but I'm having a relationship with this young lady here.
Get out!
Oh, Plum. Oh, darling.
Come on, darling. Come on, sweetheart. Just keep it in till we get upstairs.
Open.
I'm going to do a salutation to the sun.
- Hold me, Pats. - Yeah, I am.
- Is that your daughter downstairs? - Did you see her?
- Bit fat, isn't she? - She's not fat, she's pregnant.
- Yes, well, anyway... - By that big black guy?
- What? - Is she pregnant by that big black guy?
Shut up, Plum, just salute the sun!
- Pats? - No, Eddie.
He's black?
I'm gonna have a mixed-race baby, darling!
- It makes no difference, it's still a baby! - It makes a difference!
A mixed-race baby is the finest accessory anyone in my position could ever have!
It's the must-have of the season!
- It's the Chanel of babies! - No, Eddie! Eddie! Oh!
(REGGAE MUSIC)
What are you tying to say?
- I'm... - (EDDIE SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY)
Darling, it's going to be all right, darling! Mama was wrong!
I want the baby, I'll pay for the baby, I'll support the baby!
He's the father, we don't want him! We don't need him!
Cool single mum! We don't need him! I'm gonna love baby, me love babies!
..pregnant.
♪ Wheels on fire ♪
♪ Rolling down the road ♪
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪
- Pregnant? - Yes.
- Oh, my darling! - What do you think?
Tell everyone when you first see them. You don't want them to think you're fat.
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪