1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:05,239 ♪ Wheel's on fire ♪ 2 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:10,999 ♪ Rollin' down the road ♪ 3 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,599 ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ 4 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:21,879 ♪ This wheel shall explode. ♪ 5 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:25,079 MAN: (ON RADIO) You're listening to BBC Radio 4. 6 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:28,039 Coming up on Radio 4 at 2:30, My Oxbridge, 7 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,119 a half-hour of in-jokes... (EDINA SIGHS OVER SPEAKER) 8 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,119 and unashamedly impenetrable exclusive anecdotes 9 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:33,639 - from the varsity... - (SIGHS) 10 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,559 with Sir Bernard Ingham and Stephen Fry. 11 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,959 - This is followed by Woman's Hour... - (SIGHS RASPBERRY) 12 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,239 - where Jenni Murray talks to... - (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) 13 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,679 about the Islamic references in Jane Austen's novel... 14 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,400 (SIGHS HEAVILY) ..Pride and Prejudice. 15 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,079 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 16 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,839 Hello? Hello? 17 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,039 Hello, hello, hello! Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Is anyone there? 18 00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,319 Hello? 19 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,679 I'm under attack! I'm under attack! Call the police! Call the police! 20 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,199 Hello? Hello? 21 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,799 Testing, testing, testing, testing. 22 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,479 (SINGS) ♪ I'm a-walking down the road ♪ 23 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:11,160 - ♪ Just a-lookin' in the fields... ♪ - Mum! 24 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,559 - Could you hear me, darling? - Yes. What is that? 25 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,079 I was talking to you from my panic room. 26 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,720 - Panic room? - Yeah. 27 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,959 Yeah, a panic room, darling. My new panic room. 28 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,760 You know my old nuclear shelter? 29 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,279 I'm refurbishing it now, darling, as a panic room. 30 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,239 So if we panic, you know, it's a little safe room, darling, 31 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,799 in case, you know, we're attacked 32 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,159 by murderous thugs or... or terrorists, darling. 33 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,519 Everybody's got one. 34 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,759 - How ridiculous. - Ridiculous? 35 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:39,919 Because I tell you, darling... 36 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,559 Look, sweetheart. 37 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,519 This little baby on the... 38 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,119 This little baby on the way, darling... 39 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,399 - Is it still in there? - Yes! 40 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:50,599 Has made me realise, sweetheart, just how unsafe the world is. 41 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,799 There's some mean mothers out there, baby. 42 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,439 - There's one in here. - Oh, shut up. 43 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,359 Anyway, sweetheart, I want you to be more aware of keeping things sealed. 44 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:03,439 Windows sealed. Doors locked. Alright, sweetheart? 45 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,439 I mean, you'll be glad of that anthrax filter 46 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,519 when the inevitable dirty bomb gets dropped on Holland Park, I tell you. 47 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,719 Now, will you help me carry some stuff down, darling? 48 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,999 Darling, help me. I can... 49 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,399 Help. Help. Carry. Carry. 50 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,079 More things. 51 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,480 I... I want more. 52 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,119 This is all the stuff I can't get in the panic room at the moment 53 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:23,159 so be careful. 54 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,399 Mind my Eames chair. It's coming in eventually. 55 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,959 Don't touch the door, darling. Mind your fingers! Mind your fingers! 56 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,439 Don't touch that door, sweetheart. 57 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,959 I haven't worked out the, uh, keypad 58 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,919 and the codes and everything, sweetheart. 59 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,119 Ohh! 60 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,919 Ta-da! Safe room. 61 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,639 - ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba! ♪ - ♪ Chick-chick-chick-cha! Boo-boo! ♪ 62 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:40,519 - Darling, look. - ♪ Diddle, ching-chong! ♪ 63 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:41,919 Pizza ready, darling. 64 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,159 Look, darling, sweetheart. 65 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,679 - ♪ Ba-ba-ba! ♪ - Small branch of Sainsbury's, darling. 66 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,799 And look - all the conveniences, sweetheart. Little toilet. 67 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,119 (MIMICS FLUSH) 68 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,039 I wondered where everything was going. 69 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,719 Is that MY Trivial Pursuit? 70 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,959 - Yes, darling. - What IS that, sweetheart? 71 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,239 - It's a board game. - Oh. 72 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,119 Well, it's for here, if we panic, darling, so you can play it here. 73 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,239 Yes, well, I want to play it in the house. 74 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:02,719 Yeah, but, darling, then, if you panic, 75 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,319 you're not gonna have time to get it! 76 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,119 Do you think some murderer's gonna honestly say, 77 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,959 "Oi, Jim, let her get her Trivial Pursuit 78 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,719 "before we chop off her arm and pull off her Rolex," do you, darling? 79 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:11,879 Whoosh-pow! 80 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,160 Boing-boing-boing-boing-boing! Boing! Kkkkkk! 81 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:16,280 Hmm? 82 00:03:16,281 --> 00:03:19,519 Mum, you're just paying into the whole panic culture. I hate it. 83 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,319 The world is actually safer than it's ever been. 84 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,599 In fact, you're more likely to be hit by a bus. 85 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,439 Oh, yeah, darling. That'd be ironic, wouldn't it? 86 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,760 The closest I've ever been to public transport, and it... runs over me. 87 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,479 And even then, there's no guarantee the bus won't come off worse. 88 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:33,639 (HUFFS) 89 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,119 I'm gonna get some more stuff in here. 90 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,999 Come on! Follow me. Follow me. 91 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,239 Mind my Eames chair, and don't touch this door. 92 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,720 Come on, clog feet! 93 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,919 Anyway, darling, it's not me that's changed, darling - 94 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,119 it's the criminal that has changed. 95 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,239 I mean, nowadays, darling, these are big-time players. 96 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,919 These are celebrity killers. 97 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:53,759 These are terrorists, sweetheart. 98 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,759 Do you think you'd get a two-book-and-a-movie deal 99 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:56,919 for snatching a handbag? 100 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,559 Oh, no, darling. Oh, no, sweetheart. 101 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,799 These people don't plan a job, darling - they write the script. 102 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,559 They have it serialised in the Daily Mail, darling. 103 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,199 These are the people that make Jack the Ripper 104 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,279 look like a manicurist - believe me, sweetheart. 105 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,960 Total overreaction. 106 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,519 I know your sort, darling - "Don't want it till I need it." 107 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,399 "Don't want it till I need it." Well, you're not invited in. 108 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:22,080 Oh! What a weekend I have had! 109 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,559 Requests, requests, requests! 110 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,519 Elton John's invited me to his place in the South of France. 111 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,679 I said, "No, thank you." 112 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,960 His villa is like a halfway house to The Priory. 113 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,599 Will I go and keep Elizabeth Hurley company? 114 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,000 Will I bugger! 115 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,760 Has she got no friends of her own? 116 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,079 Who is this now? Who has she become? 117 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,159 Oh, and I've had Anoushka Hempel calling me - 118 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,399 will I go down to her yacht in St Tropez? 119 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:53,800 Will I bugger! 120 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,080 - What? St Tropez? - I know. How common! 121 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,359 How did... how did you get in?! 122 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:03,519 Window. 123 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,039 I told you, sweetheart - 124 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,559 you have to shut the windows, keep everything sealed! 125 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,839 You could've let in contamination, darling! 126 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,879 Nothing can be as bad as what's in here already. 127 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,439 - Oh, shut up. - PATSY: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie! 128 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:14,519 - Oh! - Oh, no. 129 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,479 Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! 130 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,439 I take that back - it just got worse. 131 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,399 - Oh, sweetheart. What is it, darling? - Eddie. Eddie, Eddie. 132 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,119 - Eddie-Eddie-Eddie-Eddie-Eddie-Eddie! - What? What? What? What, sweetheart? 133 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,719 - How did she get in? - You didn't lock the door! 134 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,919 Sweetheart. Go on. Go on. Go on. 135 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,279 - Eddie, Eddie, Eddie... - Yes? Yes? Yes? What? What? 136 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,879 - What, sweetheart? Calm down. - What, darling? What, darling? 137 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,560 - I was at work today. - Oh! 138 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,399 - Sweetheart... - No. No. Eddie, Eddie... 139 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,879 Now we're ALL in shock. 140 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,879 - Go on, sweetheart. - Eddie, the girls were off. 141 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,679 (GASPS) So I was on the floor. 142 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:42,999 (GASPS) Nothing new for you. 143 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,999 Oh, kuss-kuss-kuss-kuss-kuss! 144 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,439 I was working. I was... selling. 145 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:48,959 - Oh, no, sweetheart. - Yeah. 146 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,759 - Not you s... selling? - Yeah. 147 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,160 - On the shop floor? - I wasn't happy, Eddie. 148 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,039 WOMAN: Excuse me - how much is this? 149 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,399 What? 150 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,439 How much is this bag? 151 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:04,759 I heard you. 152 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,519 Why? Are you worried you can't afford it? 153 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:07,599 I don't know. 154 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,279 Then you can't. Get out. 155 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,279 - But... - Get out. Put the bag down. 156 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:12,999 I wasn't going to steal. 157 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,200 Get out before I call the police. 158 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,880 WOMAN: Can you help me? 159 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:24,839 What? 160 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,479 The oxygen bar. 161 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:27,480 Yes? 162 00:06:27,481 --> 00:06:29,359 Is it just oxygen? 163 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,279 No. Read it. 164 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,319 We have a range of gases. 165 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,159 Pamper is sodium pentothal, 166 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:36,719 Happy Time is nitrous oxide, 167 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:38,839 Sleepy Time is carbon monoxide. 168 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:39,959 Thank you. 169 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,479 No, thank you. 170 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,680 (ALARM BLARES) 171 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,520 You can't come in. You're too fat. Get out. 172 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,159 Alright, let me help you. 173 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,719 You're probably looking for the way out. 174 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,359 Or didn't you bother to read the notice? 175 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,639 It says, "No T-shirts. No flip-flops." 176 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,199 In fact, no you. 177 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,200 (GASPS) 178 00:07:04,201 --> 00:07:05,640 Minnie Driver! 179 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:08,639 Lilene? Yeah. 180 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,639 - I'm not shopping, I'm looking. - That's why I'm calling you. 181 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,279 Yeah, there's a seed pod bag in Versace that I want, 182 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,359 and these feathered cuffs in Dior. 183 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,160 No, I tried. I tried. They kept asking me to pay! 184 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,319 Yeah, I want the Tod bag, OK? Did you tell them? 185 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,599 No, I don't want a discount - I want it free. Right? Free. Yeah. 186 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,599 OK, well, you tell them. Yeah. 187 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,679 No. I don't know where I am right now. Where am I right now? 188 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,119 What? 189 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,919 My publicist. Where am I right now? 190 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,319 It's Jeremy's. 191 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,399 OK, I don't know. I'll find out. 192 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,799 - Patsy Stone? - Minnie Driver. 193 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:40,800 - Patsy Stone? - Minnie. 194 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:41,800 - Patsy Stone? - Minnie. 195 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:42,800 - Patsy Stone? - Min. 196 00:07:42,801 --> 00:07:45,959 - Are you Patsy Stone? - Yes, I'm Patsy Stone. 197 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,399 Yeah, my publicist told me that you were a stylist. 198 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:52,159 Yes, yes. Well, I'm a buyer and style consultant to Jeremy. 199 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,999 - What is it? - It's a man. 200 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,399 - No, what is this place? - Oh. Uh, this is Jeremy's. 201 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,679 What is it? 202 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,119 It's, um, a concept. A philosophy. Um, a destination. 203 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,039 - Oh, it's a shop! - Yes, it's a shop. 204 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,919 Ah. Not much in it, is there? 205 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,839 No. Only what our customer wants, Minnie. 206 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,879 In fact, what most of our customers want is a bag from Jeremy's. 207 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,639 Minnie, Minnie, would you like a Jeremy's bag, darling? 208 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,759 What is that smell? 209 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,359 Oh. That's Jeremy. 210 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,599 Our new perfume and room aromariser. 211 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,840 It's exclusive to Jeremy. Perfectly suited to his customer. 212 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,199 - Smells like formaldehyde. - (SNIFFS) 213 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,119 Oh. No, that IS his customer. 214 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,319 I'm so sorry, Minnie. 215 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,399 That's Uma Rottweiler. She's not long for this world. 216 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,719 In fact, she may have already passed away. 217 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,039 But she can't stop shopping! 218 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,359 It's only the embalming fluid that keeps her on her feet. (LAUGHS) 219 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:39,959 Now, darling, is there anything I can do for you? 220 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:40,960 No, I don't think so. 221 00:08:40,961 --> 00:08:42,279 - There's nothing here for me. - Oh? 222 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,559 In fact, the whole of Bond Street is a complete let-down. 223 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:48,279 I've been into most of the designers and they keep asking me to... 224 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,279 Sign autographs and borrow things for premieres...? 225 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,839 Pay! 226 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,679 Oh, no, Minnie! 227 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,160 Oh, no. Well, darling, I think I can help you here. 228 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,439 Good, good. Right. 229 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,799 Hi. Is that Heat magazine? 230 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:04,480 Yeah. I've got some pictures of Minnie Driver shopping. 231 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,439 Yeah, she does look bloody rough. 232 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:08,959 Minnie, Minnie, Minnie! Minnie! 233 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,759 Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie- Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie! 234 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,799 - Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie! - Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi? What happened, darling? 235 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,399 - Shall I slap her? - No! No! Shut up. 236 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,999 - Can I? - Sa-sa-sa-sa-sa! 237 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,559 - Minnie, Minnie, Minnie... - Sweetie, darling. 238 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,639 - What happened, darling? - Ed. Ed. 239 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:21,640 Tell us what happened. Yes? 240 00:09:21,641 --> 00:09:24,520 She's coming here tomorrow for a styling session! 241 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:26,599 What, here? 242 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,199 - Yes. I-I thought... - Well, that's fantastic. 243 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,439 - That's fantastic. - Yes. I thought... 244 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,399 We could get some stuff in, see what she likes. 245 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,239 Oh, Eddie, this is my first celebrity client! 246 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,919 - Get out! - Oh, we'll get some stuff in. 247 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,519 I mean, if she likes some stuff, we'll come to a little arrangement. 248 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,239 - Oh, I like Minnie Driver. - I like Minnie Driver. 249 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,639 I like little Minnie Driver. 250 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,079 - Minnie? - Yeah, Minnie. 251 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,679 Minnie Driver's coming here, yeah. 252 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,199 - Minnie Driver? - Yes, Minnie Driver. 253 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,800 Is it a dwarf? 254 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,799 - What? - Is it a dwarf? 255 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,719 What are you saying? Why are you saying that? 256 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,720 - (DEEP VOICE) Is it a dwarf? - Stop saying that! That's just weird! 257 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:00,960 Ask her if it's a dwarf. 258 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,399 - Is it a dwarf? - No, it's Minnie Driver! 259 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,039 - It's Minnie Driver! - Well, I don't know... 260 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,119 - She's a huge Hollywood star! - Minnie Driver. 261 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,640 Well, what's she been in? 262 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,519 Darling, darling, what's she been in, little Minnie? 263 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,319 - Oh, darling, she... um... - Little Minnie, darling. 264 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:18,479 - Little... - Um... 265 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,759 Minnie Driver - she's been in... Good... 266 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,520 - Headhunting. - Good Headhunting! 267 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,439 - Good Headhunting. - And what else, Eddie? What else? 268 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:26,599 Come on, come on! 269 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,200 I love Minnie Driver. She was in Circle Of Friends. 270 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,279 I think I know who you mean. 271 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:36,239 Stop it now, I don't like this attitude, 272 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:37,599 I don't like this one. 273 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,959 Is she one of those English actresses... 274 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,399 I said stop it! 275 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,679 That's gone to Hollywood? 276 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,159 - Oh, shut her up, Eddie. - Shut up. 277 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,039 Oh, I know the type. 278 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:50,039 The type that's always asking for free clothes. 279 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,239 No! 280 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,439 Nothing is free, I know that, you always pay for it. 281 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,879 You have shop openings, parties, names to remember, 282 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:58,279 people you have to talk to. 283 00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,759 Favours are always called in. 284 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,599 No, no, but Eddie, there are little people like Dolce & Gabbana. 285 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,599 - Yeah. - Lovely sweet Stefano and Domenico. 286 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,159 You know, darling, they treat stars as billboards! 287 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,279 - They're advertising. They're... - Badoing! Badoing! 288 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,159 - Walking column inches. - Badoing-doing-doing! 289 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,319 - Eddie, Eddie, darling, darling... - Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. 290 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:17,119 A business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark, 291 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,240 you know you're doing it, but nobody else does. 292 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,719 Winking at a girl in the dark? 293 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,039 Well, not me! 294 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,239 Yeah, and not Stefano and Domenico if I'm any judge of character, darling, 295 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:31,839 I can tell you! (LAUGHS) 296 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,039 - It's a quote! - Oh, darling! 297 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,599 - This could be so big for you. - Yeah. 298 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:36,839 - Couldn't it, sweetheart? - Yeah. 299 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,279 I'd better go out and pull some really fantastic clothes for her. 300 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:40,919 - Yeah, darling. - Today, Bond Street. 301 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,479 - And tomorrow, the Oscars! - Cheers. 302 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,959 - Ooh, Hollywood beckons, sweetheart. - Oh, yeah. 303 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,559 Darling, do you think it's time for a little... (PUCKERS) 304 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,599 - What, a little collagen? - ..plumping, yeah. 305 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,799 Mmm. 306 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,839 It would take more than collagen to fill your face. 307 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,239 - Oh, sweetie. - It's just a little plumping. 308 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,639 How many whales will have to die to fill those crevices? 309 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,639 - Shush, sweetheart. - It's just a little filling. 310 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,199 The whaling fleet may not be able to cope with the demand. 311 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,279 Shush! Sweetheart, just a little filler. 312 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,799 Mountaineers have died falling into shallower ravines 313 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,800 - than your wrinkles. - Oh, shut up! 314 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:13,839 - Oh, darling, I want that! - Jackson, Dolce & Gabbana. 315 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,599 - Dolce, Dolce, Dolce. - Stella McCartney. 316 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,959 Sweetheart, she's not gonna want all this stuff. I want it. 317 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,479 - Eddie, just leave them here. - I'd look good in that. 318 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,480 Sweetheart. Pats. Darling. Darling, can I be here when she comes? 319 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,039 What, darling? 320 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,159 Can I be here when Minnie comes, darling? Is it alright? 321 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:33,039 Look, Eddie, you see the thing is I've told her this is MY store. 322 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,079 - But it's my house. - I know, darling. 323 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,519 - I said it would be very discreet. - Oh! 324 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,399 - I really like Minnie. - But Minnie, little Minnie... 325 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,400 I like Minnie. 326 00:12:40,401 --> 00:12:43,359 She doesn't want the world and his wife to see her in her scanties. 327 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:46,239 - I'll just be casually found. - Well, maybe just be casual. 328 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,119 (DOOR BUZZES) (BOTH GASP) 329 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,319 That's her. That's her, darling. Bubble, give us a bit of time! 330 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,039 Move this around to the side. Off you go. 331 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,600 Move around to the side. 332 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,359 Yeah, hold on. 333 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,240 I'm here to see Patsy Stone. 334 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,799 Are you Minnie Driver? 335 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,120 - Yes. - (POSH VOICE) Then come in. 336 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,000 Wipe your feet! 337 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,559 - Ta-da! - Oh, hi, Minnie. Come in. 338 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:14,359 - Come in, darling. - Who are all these people? 339 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,559 - Oh, well, this is... - Don't tell me names! 340 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,679 I don't do names. 341 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,999 Lilene? Yeah, I'm really pissed at Dior. 342 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:26,239 You tell them to make it fit and make it free, right? OK. 343 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,519 Right. So that's all of us. 344 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,919 Now, Minnie, would you like something to eat or drink, darling? 345 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,439 What's happened to you? 346 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,280 Oh, just a little plumping. 347 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,240 Listen, first rule - mouth should be smaller than face. 348 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,199 - Now, what have you got for me? - Oh, right, 349 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,439 well, look, I pulled things from all kinds of designers, darling, 350 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,879 I've got embroidery, a modern take on the classics. 351 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,039 And, um... Now, what size are you so we can change all the labels? 352 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:52,639 - I'm a two. - A two?! 353 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:53,719 A two. 354 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,039 - What is a two? - A two is a four. 355 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,079 - What's a four? - A four's a six. 356 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,959 - What's a six, darling? - Alright, alright! I'm a ten! 357 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,200 A ten. She's a ten. 358 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:04,519 Come on. 359 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,319 (SMIRKS) "I'm a ten!" 360 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,159 Yes. Yes. No. No. 361 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,279 Hate it. Maybe. Like. Don't know. Maybe. 362 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,919 No. No. That's cute. That's... 363 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,919 Why are you still here? 364 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,559 I don't want everybody watching me in my scanties. 365 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,199 Of course not, Minnie. Of course not. 366 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,439 - Eddie, please, can you just go? - Me? 367 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:24,040 Yes, darling. Please go. Because Minnie Driver, she... (GRUMBLES) 368 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,559 Oh, Minnie, yes, that's it, darling. Hold that one. 369 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,800 Yes, I will, darling, I'd hold anything for you. 370 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:49,559 - Maybe. - Yeah. 371 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,680 How much of this stuff can I actually have? 372 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,039 - What, have? - Mmm. 373 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,479 Oh, well, I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement. 374 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,839 You know, I rather like that necklace your... 375 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,719 fat little hippo chubster friend was wearing. 376 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,639 Who? Who? 377 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,399 Oh, little fatty fat hat. 378 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,879 - Oh, Eddie? - Mmm. 379 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,079 You like her necklace? It's no problem. I'll get it. 380 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,839 - That's no problem. She won't mind. - (LAUGHS) 381 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,159 That's no problem, sweetheart. No problem, Minnie. 382 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,479 So just make yourself at home, darling. Just... 383 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,480 The necklace, I'll get it for you, darling. 384 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,599 Eddie, darling, can you give me that necklace. 385 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,159 - What necklace, darling? - This necklace. 386 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:27,759 - I want this necklace. - No, it's my necklace! 387 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,999 - Darling, I want the necklace! - Let go of my necklace! 388 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,039 - Minnie wants it. Minnie wants it! - No! 389 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,479 Sweetheart, your necklace! 390 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,520 (DOOR BEEPS) 391 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,799 Can you open it, Eddie? Open it. Open it. 392 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,799 Sweetheart... Oh! Oh! Oh! 393 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,639 - What have you done? I can't open it. - Hang on. 394 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,999 Don't touch anything, darling, I'll get the instruction book. 395 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,119 - Hang on, darling. There's a code. - Oh, my God! 396 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,239 There's a code. 397 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,919 Don't touch the buttons! Don't touch the buttons, sweetheart! 398 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,359 - There's a code. There's a... - Bah, bah, bah. 399 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,559 Sweetheart, don't... 400 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,600 Will you stop touching the buttons?! 401 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,559 It says every time you put in the wrong number, 402 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,599 we have to wait another hour. 403 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,599 How many times did you touch those buttons, Pats? 404 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,319 - I hardly touched them. - How many times? 405 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,599 - I hardly touched them. - Look at those numbers on the thing! 406 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,639 - Oh, God! Minnie! Minnie! Minnie! - You fool! Oh, God. 407 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,480 Minnie! 408 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,360 So how is it in... (SINGS) ♪ Hollywood? ♪ 409 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:27,599 Catherine Zeta-Jones rather stole your thunder, didn't she? 410 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:28,799 What? 411 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,119 PATSY: (OVER SPEAKER) Hello. Hello, Minnie. It's Patsy. 412 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,599 Who? 413 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,839 It's Patsy Stone. 414 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,239 The lip. 415 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,519 Darling, I can't come back today. I'm... 416 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,719 I'm stuck. I'm called away. 417 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,119 I'm sorry, darling. 418 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,599 Where is she? 419 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,879 In the walls! 420 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,759 How bloody rude of her! 421 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,320 That's magic. 422 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,519 How long have we been in here, Eddie? 423 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,480 Oh, I don't know, darling. I think... 424 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,679 (SIGHS) That looks as if we've got three days or something left, 425 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,679 but the way you went at that keyboard like a hyperactive typist, 426 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:03,759 it could be months. 427 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,399 You should have just given me the necklace! 428 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,919 Oh! 429 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,359 Oh, look, we're here now, darling, we might as well get on with it. 430 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:13,400 I suppose that's goodbye to Hollywood for me. 431 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,919 - Here, sweetheart. - Cheers, darling. 432 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,719 - Careful, sweetheart, watch it. - Cheers, darling. 433 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,200 - I don't want it on my pod. - Well... 434 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,279 Oh! 435 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,039 (SIGHS) 436 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,640 (HUMS) 437 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,039 She's right about your lip, darling. 438 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,640 What do you mean? 439 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:39,439 Well, you just need to... balance it or something. 440 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:40,919 - On the bottom? - Yeah. 441 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:42,480 I did, but I haven't got very much left. 442 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,280 - Put a little bit more. - On the bottom? 443 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,240 (ROLLS TONGUE) 444 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,119 (PUFFS) 445 00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,120 You shouldn't have started. 446 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,919 Once you get the top beak, you've gotta balance it with the bottom beak 447 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:04,999 and then you gotta balance the whole beak with the cheeks, 448 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,000 you see, darling? 449 00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:08,201 Before you know, you're just a visitor in your own face. 450 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,639 How much longer, Eddie? 451 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:18,319 Oh, sweetheart, would you stop asking, 452 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,440 it's not gonna go any faster if you keep asking. 453 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,839 - Do you want to play a game? - No. 454 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,959 Where is it, darling? Where's my magazine? 455 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,159 Where's my magazine, darling? Come and sit here. 456 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:29,639 - Yeah. - Come and sit here, sweetheart. 457 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:30,959 Look. Look. 458 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,439 Right, it's a random page, I'm choosing a random page. 459 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,639 Random, random, random, random, random. 460 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,039 - That page, sweetheart. - Yeah. 461 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,519 Alright, darling, you've got to sleep with someone on this page. 462 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,759 You have to, alright? You have to sleep with one person. 463 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,120 Who's it gonna be? 464 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,440 Oh, I've slept with them all. 465 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,399 - All of them, darling? - Yeah. 466 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,279 - What, Brad Pitt? - Oh, yeah. 467 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,039 - Well, sweetheart, him? - Yeah. 468 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,880 - Oh, Hugh Grant? - Yeah, well, who hasn't, you know? 469 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,999 Well, Prince Philip, darling? 470 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,759 My lips are sealed. 471 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,319 Well, just nod. 472 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,320 - Mm-hm. - Oh! 473 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,640 What? Carol Smillie? Oh, come on! 474 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,079 - How much longer, Eddie? - Oh, I don't know, darling. 475 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,399 Will you stop asking. Why? 476 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,599 - Eddie, I need the toilet. - (GROANS) 477 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,479 Well, I'm not even sure it's plumbed in, darling. 478 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,319 Have another drink. Come on, come on, then. Have another drink. 479 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,519 Ah... 480 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,199 It's quite nice, this, actually, isn't it? 481 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,239 Yeah. 482 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,319 Here, away. No-one can get at you. Yeah. 483 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,999 Time to think a little bit. What are you thinking? 484 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,479 Oh, just about the world, you know, darling. 485 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:37,159 You know, cosmopolitan society that we live in, sweetheart. 486 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,359 It's funny, 'cause you see loads of people, don't you, now? 487 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:44,319 You see, like, Africans on the street, you see Arabs. 488 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:48,439 Chinese, Eskimos, don't you, darling? Yeah. 489 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:52,599 And everyone has just sort of assimilated into our society. 490 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,839 But I was just thinking, you know what you never see, darling? 491 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,280 No. What? Pygmies. 492 00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,799 You don't ever see them. 493 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:02,159 You never see a pygmy. You never go walking down the street, 494 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,199 see a little pygmy on the buses or anything like that, do you, darling? 495 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,599 No, "Oh, my daughter's going out with this lovely chap." 496 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,039 "By the way he's a pygmy," you know. 497 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,679 You know, it doesn't happen - 498 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,719 little pygmy restaurants, pygmy cuisine, pygmy TV. 499 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,839 You just don't have it, do you? (LAUGHS) 500 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,840 You're right there, Ed. Yeah. 501 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,799 Ed, on the TV, what...? Yeah? 502 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,119 Where is that? What? 503 00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:27,599 Where is that? 504 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,280 Where is that, darling? 505 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,640 Oh, I like that table. 506 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,439 Where is that, sweetheart? (GASPS) 507 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,280 Is that little Saffy? 508 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,680 What's Saffy doing on TV?! 509 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,119 (SCREAMS) Darling, that's my kitchen! 510 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:50,159 Look, is that the sink, is it? This is in my kitchen, darling, look. 511 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:54,439 Sweetheart, I've got security cameras, darling. Look at that! 512 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,559 - Look at that. - Oh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 513 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,199 Oh, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. 514 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,119 - Darling, darling. Does she know? - Well, even I didn't know, darling. 515 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,239 How's she gonna know? Oh, Eddie, let's watch her. 516 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,639 Oh, yeah, yeah, let's watch her. Let's see what she does. 517 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,039 Oh, she's picking her behind. Oh, she's drinking something. 518 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,239 - Putting it down again. - Yeah, putting it down. 519 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,039 Putting a little lid on. A little lid on something. 520 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:19,679 Oh, this is quite good. Sitting. 521 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,919 - I think we should tell her. - Darling, no, no, no, 522 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,519 we might get something on her. 523 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,319 What? She's not gonna do anything, 524 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,839 it's not like Saffy's gonna suddenly lob out an old titto, 525 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,159 is she, darling, huh? 526 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,399 - Probably not. - Oh, look, she's moving! 527 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,399 - She's gonna do something! - Oh, oh, oh. 528 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,879 - She's going over... - Ooh, ooh, ooh. 529 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,879 She's coming. She put it... She's coming back. 530 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,639 - Put it down. - Oh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 531 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,959 Oh, darling, let's get in some more drinks, darling. 532 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,680 - This could become addictive. - (LAUGHS) 533 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:46,640 Here we go. 534 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,160 (HICCUPS) Oh, Eddie, get her to do something. 535 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,000 (CLEARS THROAT) 536 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,040 Hello. 537 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,960 This is Big Mother speaking. 538 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:16,519 Darling, me and Patsy are locked in the panic room. 539 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:20,279 We may be here for some months. We have no idea, darling. 540 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:23,240 You are our only amusement. 541 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,600 Please stay active, Saffron. 542 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,039 Don't ignore me, darling, come on. 543 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,079 Your first task, Saffron, is to put the television on, darling, 544 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,559 so we may watch it. 545 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:38,559 SAFFRON: Stop it! 546 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,959 Well, darling, please just do something, hmm? 547 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,719 Put the television on or just do something amusing. 548 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,639 We can see you! 549 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:48,999 How? 550 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:50,519 I don't believe you. 551 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:54,120 No, there's just cameras everywhere, sweetheart. We can see you. 552 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,880 Saffron, please come to the cupboard under the sink. 553 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,440 Come on, sweetheart. 554 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:15,680 Just move the salad spinner so we can see your face, darling. 555 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,239 What are you doing? 556 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,000 We are stuck. 557 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:28,879 - Well, it serves you right. - Oh, sweetheart. 558 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,720 Sweetheart! 559 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,599 - Now, here's the question. - Yes. 560 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:37,919 (SIGHS) "Which is the most visited mountain" 561 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,319 "in America's Black Hills range?" 562 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,239 Oh, I know this. I know this. 563 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,759 - Is the most...? - Visited mountain. 564 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,439 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 565 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:49,079 - In America's Black Hills range. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 566 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:51,119 Did you say 'which' or 'what'? 567 00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:52,559 Which! 568 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,999 - Is the most... - You don't know this. 569 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,079 - No! I know this, I know this! - She does. 570 00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,639 - Well, what's the answer? - It's Mount Rushmore. 571 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,759 - I don't think it's that. - No, I don't think that's right. 572 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,080 - Oh, no, no. No, that is right. - Is that in America? 573 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,559 Darling, I want... give me Entertainment, sweetheart. 574 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:10,879 - No, it's not your turn. - Oh, sweetie. 575 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,999 I think you've got the wrong questions for us, darling. 576 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,039 We don't want to play anymore. We don't wanna play that game anymore. 577 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,399 (SIGHS) Have you got a joint, Eddie? 578 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:22,399 Oh, darling, I've got most of a northern Pakistani field here 579 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,160 - if you want it. - (CHUCKLES) 580 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,039 - What's happening? - Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm. 581 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,439 - Oh. - Oh, hoo-hoo. 582 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,839 Ooh. Ooh, darling. 583 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,759 Oh, look, darling, she's got a little housemate. 584 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,759 Oh, yeah. A little will-they-won't-they situation. 585 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,639 Ooh, yes, darling. 586 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,719 - No, I don't think they will. - No, I don't think they will. 587 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,800 Unless that's old Titicaca Two-Ways. 588 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,599 Hello? 589 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,199 - Where are you, mum-to-be? - I'm here. 590 00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,679 - But don't say anything. - Why? What's the matter? 591 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,040 Just be quiet. (WHISPERS) I have to tell you something. 592 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,159 (GIGGLES) Oh, no. 593 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,479 I hope it's not, "I'm going to be a mother" 594 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,599 "and you're my threatening single girlfriend." 595 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:11,080 Don't be so stupid! Just come and sit down. 596 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,639 Now, listen... 597 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,559 my mother is watching us 598 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:22,999 and can hear everything we say. 599 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,840 What?! 600 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,120 There are secret cameras everywhere. 601 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:41,719 (LAUGHS) Oh, is this some kind of fantasy thing? 602 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,519 What do you want me to say? No, it's the truth. 603 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,519 She's watching us! 604 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,800 OK, loosen up. 605 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:55,439 Why don't we just, like, open up some of her booze like normal? 606 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,599 Shall I open a bottle of champagne 607 00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,039 and we can either drink it or just flush it down the toilet. 608 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,839 Just stop it! 609 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:06,559 Isn't this what you want me to say? Isn't this part of the fantasy? 610 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:10,159 Oh, it's so dangerous! 611 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,719 (BREATHES HEAVILY) 612 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:13,719 Oh, I feel fantastic. 613 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,679 Right. I think you should just go. 614 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,079 Oh, remember when we went upstairs into her bedroom 615 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:19,679 and we put on all her clothes 616 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,399 and we played Patsy and Eddie in the bath and we... 617 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:23,960 (GASPS) 618 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,559 Just get out. No, stay. 619 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:29,959 Get out. Darling, tell her to go... 620 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,039 Titicaca, to the sink cupboard. Get out! 621 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,239 Titicaca, to the sink cupboard! (SCREAMS) 622 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,880 Titicaca, to the sink cupboard! Oh. 623 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:41,400 Oh, sweetheart. 624 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,839 Where is she? Where is she? You're not authorised to leave. 625 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:46,879 Titicaca, you're not authorised to leave, sweet... 626 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,319 (GASPS) 627 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,519 Eddie, Eddie, it's open! Look, it's open, darling! 628 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,839 - Quick, go, darling. - Eddie, Eddie, I can't stop peeing. 629 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,879 - Quick, stop peeing. - I just can't stop peeing. 630 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,039 I've stopped, now. I've stopped now, Eddie. 631 00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:00,280 Eddie, is this plumbed in. No, I don't think it is plumbed in. 632 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:06,239 (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Oh, darling, we're free, sweetheart. 633 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,759 Oh, sweetheart, what century is it, 634 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,279 what year, what month, what day, sweetheart? 635 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,759 How long were we in there? Two hours. 636 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,079 Two hours? Oh, Minnie! Minnie! 637 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,399 Minnie? Minnie! Minnie! 638 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,240 BOTH: Minnie, Min-Min, Minnie, Min-Min. Minnie, Min-Min! 639 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,320 Min. Min. 640 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,280 Oh, God, she's taken all the clothes. 641 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:32,240 Even the cheesy nibbles. 642 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,679 ♪ This wheel's on fire ♪ 643 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:43,639 ♪ Rolling down the road ♪ 644 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:48,119 ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ 645 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:54,279 ♪ This wheel shall explode... ♪ 646 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,319 How could she, Eddie? I don't know. 647 00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:58,759 I'll have to pay for those clothes. I know, sweetheart! 648 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:03,639 I hope some pap gets his telescopic right up her crotch, darling! 649 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,319 Full tit and minge! Yeah. 650 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:10,519 Four chins and half-blinking. Yeah. Bumpy arse. 651 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:14,479 I hate Minnie Driver. I hate her and her type, sweetheart. 652 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:16,479 (SIGHS) Still... 653 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:17,920 (CLICKS TONGUE) 654 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,319 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 655 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:23,200 Got something out of it, didn't we, darling? (LAUGHS) 656 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:26,959 Oooh-ooh-oooh. 657 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:28,600 (HUMS) 658 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,400 In the bath, sweetheart? 659 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,839 We were 10. 660 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:43,799 ♪ This wheel shall explode. ♪ 661 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:47,319 Captions by Red Bee Media 662 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:50,879 Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation