1
00:00:03,895 --> 00:00:05,575
♪ Wheels on fire ♪

2
00:00:07,016 --> 00:00:11,755
♪ Rolling down the todd ♪

3
00:00:12,574 --> 00:00:16,505
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

4
00:00:17,214 --> 00:00:22,415
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪

5
00:00:23,935 --> 00:00:26,325
Buckets, sponges, bin liners, nail brushes,

6
00:00:26,814 --> 00:00:31,415
cushions, plastic sheeting, CDs,
hot-water bottle and incontinence pads.

7
00:00:32,215 --> 00:00:34,884
- Now, let's see if I can remember.
- What?

8
00:00:35,414 --> 00:00:38,745
- When Granny went to Spain.
- No! Gran...

9
00:00:39,374 --> 00:00:41,865
She took with her... Oh, now, what was it?

10
00:00:42,374 --> 00:00:45,325
Bin liners, incontinence pads...

11
00:00:46,654 --> 00:00:48,904
Where was she going, we ask ourselves?

12
00:00:49,374 --> 00:00:53,795
Then what came after... Oh, I don't know, dear.
I can't do it. I'll have to look.

13
00:00:54,575 --> 00:00:56,535
Yes, of course, it was matches.

14
00:00:56,975 --> 00:01:01,185
Right, now it's your turn, Saffy.
I shall take one away and hide it.

15
00:01:01,935 --> 00:01:06,115
No, Gran... It's not a game.
This is my home birth kit.

16
00:01:10,693 --> 00:01:14,523
Are you camping on the lawn, darling?
You haven't done that for a few years.

17
00:01:15,213 --> 00:01:18,514
- It's my home birth kit.
- Home? Where home be? Mount Everest?

18
00:01:19,133 --> 00:01:21,383
Don't forget your crampons!

19
00:01:21,853 --> 00:01:26,874
- Mum, I'm 40 weeks. I'm due any time.
- 40 weeks! You don't have to go 40 weeks!

20
00:01:27,734 --> 00:01:29,904
I never went 40 weeks, darling.

21
00:01:30,374 --> 00:01:34,273
Pay a little bit extra,
get the express delivery service, darling.

22
00:01:34,974 --> 00:01:40,663
- They whip it out as soon as it loses its milk!
- You were in my tummy for 44 weeks.

23
00:01:41,614 --> 00:01:43,364
- Stop it.
- You refused to be born.

24
00:01:43,773 --> 00:01:47,004
One of the nurses lured you out
with a suet pudding.

25
00:01:47,614 --> 00:01:50,103
That's a lie, that's a lie!

26
00:01:50,614 --> 00:01:53,734
- This is my bag if I need to go into hospital.
- Hospital!

27
00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:58,023
Darling, it's not too late
to check into the Portland Clinic, sweetheart.

28
00:01:58,693 --> 00:02:03,083
If I need to, I want to go to a hospital
where they deliver all the time. If

29
00:02:03,853 --> 00:02:08,804
They do deliver all the time, darling! It's waiter
service, credit card swipe delivery, sweetheart!

30
00:02:09,653 --> 00:02:12,702
Sushi, macrobiotic and babies!

31
00:02:13,292 --> 00:02:18,422
It's the only restaurant in town where you can eat
with your feet in stirrups. They're doing a combo.

32
00:02:19,292 --> 00:02:23,963
Two-for-one combo - Caesarean and lipo in one.
At your own convenience. Go on, sweetheart.

33
00:02:24,773 --> 00:02:28,033
- Eddie.
- Oh, it's Patsy. It's an important night for Patsy.

34
00:02:28,653 --> 00:02:31,283
It's the Style Awards at the Albert Hall.
A huge honour.

35
00:02:31,813 --> 00:02:34,553
It makes her an international bitch fashionista.

36
00:02:35,093 --> 00:02:38,322
- Are you all right, darling?
- Eddie, can you introduce me?

37
00:02:39,813 --> 00:02:41,563
- What?
- Announce me.

38
00:02:41,973 --> 00:02:45,482
Welcome me onto the stage
so I can time the stairs.

39
00:02:47,572 --> 00:02:51,083
All right. Here we go.
Shh! Oh, shush, shush, shush!

40
00:02:54,053 --> 00:02:59,422
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to United
Blowers International, Royal Albert Hall!

41
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:05,142
Trichso-Protee in association with Hair Sheen
Publications and HQ living's 2003 Global...

42
00:03:05,972 --> 00:03:09,302
- I'm at the bottom.
- You're too early. I've got a whole speech.

43
00:03:09,932 --> 00:03:12,562
Go back up again. Go on, go back up.

44
00:03:15,611 --> 00:03:17,291
Sponsored by "Nailcraft Weekly",

45
00:03:17,691 --> 00:03:20,951
courtesy of Model 1
and Lesley Clark International...

46
00:03:21,571 --> 00:03:24,062
No, go back up! I haven't finished!

47
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:28,641
♪ to raise awareness
for snip injuries... Come now. ♪

48
00:03:29,171 --> 00:03:32,611
- ♪ Start walking now.
- ♪ Scalp refoliation with thanks to Wixwax Biscuits ♪

49
00:03:33,252 --> 00:03:36,802
and Hugo's Volumising Bubble Gel,
Kwik-Fix Ear Buds and the "Daily Sport".

50
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:40,571
- Your host for this evening...
- I'm here now, Eddie.

51
00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:46,092
- Thank you, Mrs M.
- I want to hear what they say about you.

52
00:03:46,691 --> 00:03:48,092
You wrote it!

53
00:03:48,451 --> 00:03:51,752
"The epitome of cool English-rose beauty,
who at 43...

54
00:03:52,372 --> 00:03:54,902
"taught us the importance of accessories.

55
00:03:55,411 --> 00:04:00,851
"Her tireless good works and efforts to raise
awareness for good causes..." You are sick!

56
00:04:01,772 --> 00:04:03,592
- Don't talk to her.
- How do I look?

57
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:06,010
You look fabulous, darling, fabulous.

58
00:04:06,450 --> 00:04:08,940
- Yeah?
- Have a seat. I'll get you a drink.

59
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:13,170
I can't sit in this.
No, darling, this is a one-off Hookie Mookie.

60
00:04:15,010 --> 00:04:18,381
It's made from virgin silkworm saliva.

61
00:04:19,011 --> 00:04:22,701
- Wearing vomit won't be anything new for you.
- It cost a fortune!

62
00:04:23,370 --> 00:04:28,571
- Jeremy Lent it to me to be photographed in it.
- Fabulous. Give me a little bit of your speech.

63
00:04:29,451 --> 00:04:30,850
All right.

64
00:04:31,211 --> 00:04:34,050
- I've got it here.
- Shhh, shhh, shhh!

65
00:04:39,331 --> 00:04:42,740
- We celebrate the great and the good...
- Great and good?

66
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:44,951
- ...the geniuses...
- Geniuses?

67
00:04:45,331 --> 00:04:49,370
- Shh!
- ...whose innovation with hair and style...

68
00:04:50,091 --> 00:04:53,600
- Breathe, breathe.
- ...on the international stages of the world

69
00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:56,781
- has created visionaries...
- Visionaries?

70
00:04:57,290 --> 00:04:59,540
We are talking about geniuses here!

71
00:05:00,010 --> 00:05:03,130
These people can take a pube
and make a bouffant!

72
00:05:03,729 --> 00:05:08,190
- I wish you'd go! I have so much to do!
- We can't. We're waiting for Katy Grin.

73
00:05:08,970 --> 00:05:12,729
Oh, that'll be her, darling. That's Katy.

74
00:05:13,409 --> 00:05:18,220
She's not so important. I am the hostess.
She's merely presenting Celebrity Blow-Dy.

75
00:05:19,849 --> 00:05:22,409
♪ The name on everybody's lips  ♪

76
00:05:22,929 --> 00:05:25,530
♪ Is gonna be Katy!  ♪

77
00:05:26,049 --> 00:05:28,440
Hello, darling. Don't kiss Pats.

78
00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:31,669
- I need a drink. I'm exhausted.
- How are rehearsal?

79
00:05:32,210 --> 00:05:34,070
Necessary, by the look of it.

80
00:05:37,970 --> 00:05:42,640
Little confused faces! I'm going to be in "Chicago"!

81
00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:45,340
- You must've seen the posters.
- No.

82
00:05:47,770 --> 00:05:49,700
- Recognise me now?
- No.

83
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:52,909
♪ I'm going to be a celebrity!  ♪

84
00:05:53,369 --> 00:05:55,859
- Hello!
- Oh, for God's sake!

85
00:05:56,369 --> 00:05:59,390
- I forgot they were coming.
- The door was open.

86
00:05:59,969 --> 00:06:04,389
Where did you spot that from? San Diego?
You can't see me, I'm going out.

87
00:06:05,168 --> 00:06:10,719
Hi, I'm Katy. Oddly dressed, I'm sure you're
thinking! That's because I'm in "Chicago".

88
00:06:12,889 --> 00:06:16,259
"Chicago"! We love "Chicago"! Hi, I'm Bo.

89
00:06:16,889 --> 00:06:20,149
- Kick your legs up, Bo!
- Oh, all right!

90
00:06:20,769 --> 00:06:24,389
Doesn't she look great? She lost weight.
Give 'em that old razzle-dazzle!

91
00:06:26,089 --> 00:06:31,009
I've always dreamed of being in "Chicago".
I mean, Catherine Zeta-Jones, what a heifer!

92
00:06:32,488 --> 00:06:34,589
True. I should've done the movie.

93
00:06:35,048 --> 00:06:38,379
- Listen, what do you want?
- We're here to see Saffy.

94
00:06:39,009 --> 00:06:43,219
- Go see Saffy!
- Oh, look at our little bowling-ball girl!

95
00:06:43,969 --> 00:06:46,038
You look ready for a clean strike!

96
00:06:46,488 --> 00:06:49,019
- My speech!
- I'll shut 'em up.

97
00:06:49,529 --> 00:06:51,629
I'll hear it. Do it to me.

98
00:06:52,089 --> 00:06:55,848
What should it benefit a man
if he gain everything but lose his hair?

99
00:06:56,528 --> 00:06:58,917
I can't hear you! I'm at the back!

100
00:06:59,407 --> 00:07:02,078
I'm ne Kt to Marrtine McCutcheon and her pak,
chatting away!

101
00:07:02,607 --> 00:07:06,508
Louder!

102
00:07:07,208 --> 00:07:10,088
- You haven't come to spread the word?
- What word is that?

103
00:07:10,648 --> 00:07:16,057
No, Granny-to-be and Great-grandma-to-be!
We don't have the ministry any more.

104
00:07:16,968 --> 00:07:20,518
We run a Christian family creation service
in Hollywood.

105
00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:23,268
Off-the-shelf babies, is it?

106
00:07:23,727 --> 00:07:27,797
By the way, I would also like to thank
Pablo Xerxes and Pong Sa Pong

107
00:07:28,528 --> 00:07:32,247
for the expert fingering and tonging
they gave me before I arrived here.

108
00:07:33,448 --> 00:07:35,378
Smile when you're saying it!

109
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:39,597
Don't smile with your teeth closed.

110
00:07:41,047 --> 00:07:44,068
- You can be an instant mama.
- Buy, don't beget!

111
00:07:44,648 --> 00:07:47,597
- Oh, how awful.
- Don't be so hasty.

112
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:52,768
We beget around here, don't we? It's time
that we be gettin' off, You watch these two.

113
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:56,976
Come on, let's go. The car's here.
Come on, sweetheart.

114
00:07:57,606 --> 00:08:00,236
Get yourself upstairs. I'll bring your bag.

115
00:08:03,246 --> 00:08:04,996
Don't push, don't push!

116
00:08:08,486 --> 00:08:11,647
- Oh, no!
- Darling, your waters have broken!

117
00:08:12,246 --> 00:08:13,827
Tide's coming in!

118
00:08:25,327 --> 00:08:27,007
Oh, Eddie!

119
00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:31,137
It's just baby pee or something.

120
00:08:31,606 --> 00:08:34,697
- Quickly, she needs help!
- Oh, Gran!

121
00:08:37,327 --> 00:08:38,907
Take it off, dear.

122
00:08:40,006 --> 00:08:42,256
I may be able to save it.

123
00:08:49,567 --> 00:08:51,667
I'll kill her!

124
00:08:52,125 --> 00:08:57,115
It's only baby juice. It'll be all right.
Then again, silly old you!

125
00:08:57,966 --> 00:09:02,355
It's fine. I've spoken to Toni and Gilberto.
They say if you're late, it doesn't matter.

126
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:08,255
They'll keep the Silvikrin Dancers on for another
number after "Because I'm Worth It." It'll be OK.

127
00:09:09,125 --> 00:09:11,296
- How's it going, Mrs M?
- Nearly finished.

128
00:09:18,806 --> 00:09:22,105
Ohhhhh, no-o-o-o! Oh, look!

129
00:09:24,446 --> 00:09:29,576
- Haven't you made it pretty in here?
- I'm sorry, I don't really feeling like talking.

130
00:09:30,446 --> 00:09:33,816
Okey-dokey. You're looking flushed with blood.

131
00:09:34,446 --> 00:09:36,615
- Steady, Bo.
- Flushed with... what kind of blood?

132
00:09:37,086 --> 00:09:39,225
- What blood group are you?
- What?

133
00:09:39,686 --> 00:09:44,286
What about the father, health-wise?
Any diabetes, health problems, ugliness?

134
00:09:45,605 --> 00:09:48,066
- I hope you're happy.
- Oh, Mum, please!

135
00:09:48,565 --> 00:09:51,514
- You have ruined Patsy's Hookie Mookie!
- Life!

136
00:09:52,085 --> 00:09:53,764
- I tried my best.
- Hold on...

137
00:09:54,165 --> 00:09:56,795
- Ask her what I'm gonna wear now!
- Uhhhhh!

138
00:09:57,325 --> 00:10:00,585
- Don't be like that about it!
- Mum, it's started!

139
00:10:01,205 --> 00:10:04,045
- Call an ambulance!
- No! Can everyone get out!

140
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:08,815
We'll be nearby. Marshall, buy a camera.
We can get this on live feed to Hollywood.

141
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:11,175
On the web!

142
00:10:11,565 --> 00:10:14,685
- It's OK, they're not coming vey often.
- Do you need forceps?

143
00:10:15,285 --> 00:10:19,215
- No, Gran!
- Come on, Eddie, let's go. This is my big night!

144
00:10:19,925 --> 00:10:22,524
I think I've got some forceps at home.

145
00:10:23,045 --> 00:10:26,205
Can someone call the midwife?
I've called Dad and John.

146
00:10:26,805 --> 00:10:28,905
What have you called Dad for, hm?

147
00:10:29,364 --> 00:10:32,484
- Call the midwife! Go on, scoot!
- I'll get the forceps.

148
00:10:37,244 --> 00:10:41,384
- How long before it, you know, comes out?
- I don't know!

149
00:10:42,124 --> 00:10:46,445
- I'll have to stay, darling. I'll catch the end.
- Eddie, what am I going to wear?!

150
00:10:47,204 --> 00:10:50,464
- Go to my wardrobe and find something!
- I'm not happy!

151
00:10:57,603 --> 00:11:03,263
Darling, you need candles in here or something.
A bit of aromatherapy oil, darling.

152
00:11:04,204 --> 00:11:06,483
- Some... some music...
- Uhhhhhhhh!

153
00:11:06,964 --> 00:11:10,223
Some drugs, medical intervention, heroin!
What do you want?!

154
00:11:23,123 --> 00:11:27,123
Tell Toni and Gilberto I can be there
in a second if there's a problem.

155
00:11:28,363 --> 00:11:30,294
- I'll get a digital camera.
- Perfect.

156
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:32,404
We'll just plug in the computer

157
00:11:32,804 --> 00:11:35,294
- and beam it straight to Mira Sorvino!
- Perfect!

158
00:11:36,243 --> 00:11:40,383
- ♪ My boobs, my teeth, my nose...  ♪
- ♪ I got jazz hands and Fosse feet! ♪

159
00:11:41,123 --> 00:11:44,284
- You have!
- Good old Bill Fosey!

160
00:11:45,482 --> 00:11:50,053
I'm in the 2,OOOth cast anniversary run!
And guess who's playing Mama!

161
00:11:50,842 --> 00:11:52,913
- I have no idea.
- Cilla.

162
00:11:54,203 --> 00:11:57,323
You could've said Bicky-Becky-Boo!
I've no idea who that is!

163
00:11:58,403 --> 00:12:01,772
The journalist in me wants to know
about this baby thing you do.

164
00:12:02,403 --> 00:12:04,823
- We love it!
- It's vey rewarding.

165
00:12:05,323 --> 00:12:07,852
We find, supply or source babies

166
00:12:08,362 --> 00:12:12,083
for those actresses
whose careers don't allow a conception window,

167
00:12:12,762 --> 00:12:17,153
whose schedules are tight... and who wanna
remain tight down below, know what I mean?

168
00:12:17,923 --> 00:12:22,132
- I do!
- Women who can but don't need to give birth.

169
00:12:22,882 --> 00:12:28,012
We're compelled by Jesus Christ,
compassion and a desire for betterment.

170
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:32,742
And two sharp lawyers in Boca Raton -
Bertie and Dick.

171
00:12:33,443 --> 00:12:36,463
The market is
for the Western small-featured babies.

172
00:12:37,043 --> 00:12:39,852
The South American Latina face
is going out of fashion.

173
00:12:40,403 --> 00:12:45,142
What they need is something that can, through
surgery, be made to have a family resemblance.

174
00:12:45,962 --> 00:12:51,692
That's right. Those wide Aztec faces cannot
be pulled down to look like Gwyneth Paltrow.

175
00:12:54,562 --> 00:12:58,812
As soon as the baby cuteness goes,
they dump 'em or keep them on as domestics.

176
00:13:00,841 --> 00:13:05,412
The real kids are in rehab and the adopted ones
are cleaning the pool, but that's Hollywood!

177
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:07,991
Isn't it fabulous!

178
00:13:10,162 --> 00:13:13,251
I think it's happening quite quickly.
Mum, I need the midwife.

179
00:13:13,841 --> 00:13:16,471
Darling, why don't you have some pain relief?

180
00:13:17,001 --> 00:13:22,231
I've got drugs - half a joint, four paracetamol,
a pill with a rabbit on that someone gave me.

181
00:13:23,121 --> 00:13:25,371
- Go on.
- No, I want to experience the birth.

182
00:13:25,841 --> 00:13:28,582
Sweetheart! Oh, he's here.

183
00:13:30,521 --> 00:13:32,202
My angel!

184
00:13:34,202 --> 00:13:37,011
- Why are you putting yourself through this?
- I said that.

185
00:13:37,562 --> 00:13:42,582
Even the lion, the king of the beasts,
knows it's better to avoid the pain.

186
00:13:43,441 --> 00:13:45,370
- I'm fine.
- Even he knows.

187
00:13:45,801 --> 00:13:51,031
You don't even have to be awake to have a baby,
darling. It sees the light, it finds its own way out.

188
00:13:51,921 --> 00:13:54,691
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh, you!

189
00:13:57,081 --> 00:14:00,630
Hey, John, have you met this one?
This is the granddad-to-be.

190
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,750
- Your first wife?
- Only wife.

191
00:14:04,161 --> 00:14:06,620
- Hasn't he told you? Only wife.
- Shut up!

192
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,980
- Know who he lives with now? The boyfriend!
- Don't! You'll regret it!

193
00:14:11,681 --> 00:14:15,051
- Oh, so you are a homosexual fellow?
- Yes.

194
00:14:16,401 --> 00:14:19,000
- And you are like an ecological disaster!
- Here we go!

195
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:24,821
An oil tanker spilling out its poisonous cargo!
Human Ebola!

196
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,931
Do you mind if I go?
I can't bear to be in the room with that man!

197
00:14:30,561 --> 00:14:33,020
- Just go!
- I'm going!

198
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,281
I need a bath now.
John, will you go down to the boiler room?

199
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,639
- Thank you.
- No, John.

200
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,969
The water needs putting on continuous.
It's just on economy. Flip the switch.

201
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,710
- I will do that.
- Come straight back.

202
00:14:51,239 --> 00:14:52,780
Breathe!

203
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,879
I'll get towel!

204
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,440
You're looking crazy, Bo.

205
00:15:05,359 --> 00:15:08,479
- I am not.
- You can't just snatch a baby.

206
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,869
I've been talking to Toni.
Do you think I should go instead of Patsy?

207
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,019
No. Look at those two. I don't trust 'em.

208
00:15:16,519 --> 00:15:20,519
Before you know it, they'll have sold that baby.
It'll be breathing Bel Air!

209
00:15:21,239 --> 00:15:25,450
- That baby has rights!
- Rights? What rights does a baby have?

210
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:30,030
You think there's a womb pixie attorney
reading the foetus its rights?

211
00:15:30,719 --> 00:15:34,050
"You can stay with your mother,
you may sue your parents."

212
00:15:34,679 --> 00:15:38,888
They only have what they have by law,
and if modern ethics can't keep up,

213
00:15:39,638 --> 00:15:45,079
there's no reason that girl can't make a quick
buck, honey, and give that baby a better life!

214
00:15:45,998 --> 00:15:50,209
Look at this house! Look at all the sharp edges
and open electrical currents!

215
00:15:50,959 --> 00:15:53,238
Drug addicts running around willy-nilly!

216
00:15:54,638 --> 00:15:58,429
We're going to initiate free-flowing hot water
so she can have a bath.

217
00:15:59,998 --> 00:16:04,388
- Sure you want to be stuck in there with him?
- Thank you for your concern. It is no problem.

218
00:16:06,439 --> 00:16:09,179
- Hey, is that black guy the father?
- Fabulous, isn't he?

219
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:11,468
We have gotta get that baby!

220
00:16:11,878 --> 00:16:15,429
I see a whole Halle Berry market
opening up in front of my eyes!

221
00:16:20,238 --> 00:16:22,309
It has an NTC permisitor.

222
00:16:23,878 --> 00:16:26,789
- It must be of Lithuanian manufacture.
- Really?

223
00:16:27,358 --> 00:16:30,768
- Now, where is the pressure differential switch?
- C-Careful.

224
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:34,708
- It's OK, I have a diploma.
- oh.

225
00:16:37,198 --> 00:16:38,597
Be careful.

226
00:16:38,958 --> 00:16:43,137
You can't catch a cub if you don't go
in the lion's den. Don't follow me.

227
00:16:45,918 --> 00:16:48,548
- I said don't follow me!
- I'm watching your back.

228
00:16:50,198 --> 00:16:53,568
Eddie, see what you think.
Read the speech. I'll come down again.

229
00:16:54,198 --> 00:16:56,757
Give me the speech, you stupid woman!

230
00:16:57,278 --> 00:16:59,377
All right, darling, I'm ready.

231
00:16:59,837 --> 00:17:03,347
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to United Blowers International.

232
00:17:03,997 --> 00:17:08,918
Trichso-Protee in association with
Hair Sheen Publications and HQ Living's...

233
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:21,378
- Oh, Eddie!
- You look fabulous, darling.

234
00:17:22,517 --> 00:17:24,267
Oh, Eddie, I can't go!

235
00:17:24,678 --> 00:17:26,358
- I'll do it!
- No!

236
00:17:26,757 --> 00:17:30,017
I'll get there quick before Amanda Holden
gets a whiff of it!

237
00:17:34,157 --> 00:17:37,526
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host for tonight -

238
00:17:38,157 --> 00:17:42,726
the fabulous, the delectable Katy Grin!

239
00:17:43,516 --> 00:17:46,887
Good evening, Albert Hall!

240
00:17:47,516 --> 00:17:51,377
Can you hear me? I can hear you!

241
00:17:53,996 --> 00:17:57,966
Darling. You see, that works on me.
I don't know what you've done to it.

242
00:18:00,236 --> 00:18:03,647
I can do this on my own. I don't need any help.

243
00:18:04,276 --> 00:18:07,087
I can do this. I can do this.

244
00:18:07,637 --> 00:18:11,566
Hi, hi! I want you to know
I am in complete control.

245
00:18:12,276 --> 00:18:15,786
- I know exactly what I'm doing.
- I need the midwife.

246
00:18:16,437 --> 00:18:18,256
- I'm a nurse.
- A dental nurse!

247
00:18:18,677 --> 00:18:21,486
She'll never know. OK, open wide.

248
00:18:23,756 --> 00:18:27,407
- That may have been a clue.
- She needs our help. Pass me the manual.

249
00:18:28,075 --> 00:18:31,096
- Okey-doke, are you prenatal or antenatal?
- I'm giving birth!

250
00:18:31,676 --> 00:18:33,255
- We'll have to pull.
- No!

251
00:18:33,636 --> 00:18:36,656
- Just get out!
- I just need a minute. Hold on.

252
00:18:37,235 --> 00:18:42,606
OK. "Joint A fits into joint B,
which should be screwed at right angles..."

253
00:18:43,515 --> 00:18:48,396
This is for furniture! No wonder nothing's
happening here. OK, baby, listen to me.

254
00:18:49,235 --> 00:18:53,025
Wouldn't you like your baby to grow up
in five-star Beverly Hills?

255
00:18:53,715 --> 00:18:58,386
The last baby we placed with a wonderful
Christian woman of grace and piety.

256
00:18:59,196 --> 00:19:01,656
- She called her Serenity.
- Beautiful name!

257
00:19:02,156 --> 00:19:04,436
- After a ward in rehab.
- Oh, Mum!

258
00:19:06,515 --> 00:19:09,775
- Get out! Just get out!
- We're going. You need to lie down.

259
00:19:10,396 --> 00:19:13,515
- You didn't sign anything, did you, darling?
- No.

260
00:19:15,515 --> 00:19:17,196
I like it in here.

261
00:19:18,075 --> 00:19:21,196
- It's vey peaceful.
- Yes.

262
00:19:21,795 --> 00:19:27,596
Now... I think we have to separate the two flows
and returns in order to get the hot water flowing.

263
00:19:28,554 --> 00:19:32,415
- I'm glad you know what you're doing.
- Take your finger and put it in there.

264
00:19:35,314 --> 00:19:37,064
What have you done?

265
00:19:38,955 --> 00:19:42,504
- I found stuff in the freezer, darling.
- Mum, I need the midwife.

266
00:19:43,155 --> 00:19:45,824
- Put something frozen on my back.
- I've got peas.

267
00:19:46,355 --> 00:19:51,484
The midwife can't get in. Until the electricity's
back on, the house is self-locking.

268
00:19:52,355 --> 00:19:55,724
How many peas do you want, darling?
Two, three, four? Mm?

269
00:19:56,355 --> 00:20:00,774
- Where's John?
- I'm here! In the ceiling!

270
00:20:01,554 --> 00:20:05,314
Saffron, I wondered
where's the location of the fuse book?

271
00:20:05,994 --> 00:20:08,064
Just fix it! Ohhh!

272
00:20:08,514 --> 00:20:11,355
Oh, darling, what?
Do you want me to sing, sweetheart?

273
00:20:11,915 --> 00:20:14,304
- Yes, anything!
- oh.

274
00:20:14,794 --> 00:20:18,585
♪ Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate ♪

275
00:20:19,274 --> 00:20:22,895
- ♪ Tastes like chocolate never tasted before!  ♪
- Come on, darling.

276
00:20:23,553 --> 00:20:29,213
♪ Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate
tastes like chocolate never tasted... â«

277
00:20:30,154 --> 00:20:33,174
- Darling, don't squat yet.
- Ohh, it feels really tight!

278
00:20:33,753 --> 00:20:37,124
Course it's tight! It's all that olive oil
you've rubbed into your perineum!

279
00:20:37,753 --> 00:20:41,543
You've marinaded it!
It's good for a barbecue, not for birth!

280
00:20:42,233 --> 00:20:45,743
I haven't been using it,
not since Patsy put a chilli in it!

281
00:20:46,394 --> 00:20:47,694
Darling!

282
00:20:50,713 --> 00:20:54,543
What do you mean, no stores are open?
We need a camera!

283
00:20:55,233 --> 00:20:59,094
It doesn't seem like you're tying.
I don't think you care.

284
00:21:00,434 --> 00:21:02,854
- You hate me!
- Shut up, Bo!

285
00:21:03,354 --> 00:21:05,743
- You hate me!
- Shut up!

286
00:21:06,233 --> 00:21:07,844
I need drugs!

287
00:21:08,914 --> 00:21:12,773
- This is all I could find. Some paracetamol.
- I'm a grown-up!

288
00:21:14,233 --> 00:21:17,144
- And something with a rabbit on it.
- Gimme those.

289
00:21:18,434 --> 00:21:20,463
All of 'em, all of 'em!

290
00:21:35,113 --> 00:21:36,272
Hi.

291
00:21:40,472 --> 00:21:42,153
Want a drink?

292
00:21:44,113 --> 00:21:46,782
- What's your tipple?
- Oh, I'm sorry. Oh.

293
00:21:53,992 --> 00:21:56,623
I gave Bo something. She could be out for hours.

294
00:21:57,633 --> 00:21:59,212
Two, three, four!

295
00:22:05,633 --> 00:22:08,022
♪ The name on everybody's lips ♪

296
00:22:08,512 --> 00:22:10,762
- ♪ Is gonna be... ♪
- ♪ Roxie! ♪

297
00:22:13,072 --> 00:22:16,583
♪ The lady raking in the chips is gonna be... ♪

298
00:22:17,712 --> 00:22:19,083
Roxie!

299
00:22:20,271 --> 00:22:25,221
♪ Start the car, I know a whoopee spot
where the gin is cold and the piano's hot ♪

300
00:22:26,071 --> 00:22:29,092
♪ It's just a noisy hall
where there's a nightly brawl ♪

301
00:22:29,672 --> 00:22:32,202
♪ And all... that... ♪

302
00:22:32,711 --> 00:22:35,481
♪ Give 'em the old razzle dazzle ♪

303
00:22:36,031 --> 00:22:38,491
♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪

304
00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:44,652
♪ Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
and the reaction will be passionate ♪

305
00:22:45,592 --> 00:22:47,382
♪ I'm gonna be a celebrity  ♪

306
00:22:47,791 --> 00:22:50,281
♪ That means somebody everyone knows! Whoo! ♪

307
00:22:51,392 --> 00:22:54,652
♪ They're gonna recognise her eyes,
her hair, her teeth ♪

308
00:22:55,271 --> 00:22:56,811
♪ My boobs, my nose! ♪

309
00:22:57,791 --> 00:23:00,811
♪ Ohh, you gotta see my Sheba shimmy shake ♪

310
00:23:02,231 --> 00:23:07,251
♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪
♪ Oh, come on and shimmy till my garters break ♪

311
00:23:08,112 --> 00:23:11,731
♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪
♪ And who in case she doesn't hang ♪

312
00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:15,132
♪ Can say she started with a bang? ♪

313
00:23:15,671 --> 00:23:18,480
♪ Roxie, Roxie Harrt ♪

314
00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:21,841
♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪
♪  And all that jazz ♪

315
00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:31,331
I hate that baby!

316
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,560
Don't hate it.

317
00:23:34,951 --> 00:23:36,770
I don't want it here.

318
00:23:37,191 --> 00:23:40,141
It doesn't have to be here.

319
00:23:46,151 --> 00:23:48,250
Mum, you're gonna have to help me now.

320
00:23:51,230 --> 00:23:54,560
- Yeah, I'm here, darling.
- I need to know if I'm fully dilated.

321
00:23:56,151 --> 00:23:58,081
Yeah, you are.

322
00:23:58,911 --> 00:24:02,980
You can't tell by looking at me.
I can't examine myself!

323
00:24:03,710 --> 00:24:07,431
Well, why not, darling?
I said you should stretch more, do more yoga.

324
00:24:08,111 --> 00:24:11,831
You should've been
contemplating your sphincter daily!

325
00:24:13,151 --> 00:24:14,901
One centimetre is one finger.

326
00:24:18,430 --> 00:24:20,640
I don't know, darling, I...

327
00:24:21,110 --> 00:24:23,739
- How many centimetres do you need, darling?
- Ten.

328
00:24:27,910 --> 00:24:29,840
That's a big smile.

329
00:24:31,029 --> 00:24:37,350
I can't do that. I haven't got ten fingers, have I,
sweetheart? I've only got eight. I'll get a mirror!

330
00:24:38,390 --> 00:24:39,789
Saffron!

331
00:24:40,709 --> 00:24:43,870
- John, stay, please!
- I can't.

332
00:24:44,469 --> 00:24:47,100
But, my darling, where is the stopcock?

333
00:24:48,430 --> 00:24:50,529
It's OK. Everything is under control.

334
00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:54,360
There's a doctor outside who can come in
when the door opens.

335
00:24:58,789 --> 00:25:01,319
- Oh, I'm bearing down!
- Don't bear down yet!

336
00:25:01,830 --> 00:25:05,519
- I'm going to push!
- Don't push! You're not supposed to push yet!

337
00:25:08,950 --> 00:25:11,200
Ahhhh! You hit me!

338
00:25:20,189 --> 00:25:23,738
- Darling, push now if you want to.
- Can you see anything?

339
00:25:24,389 --> 00:25:28,919
- Carpet, vase, bed. What do you want seen?
- See if you can see a head.

340
00:25:29,708 --> 00:25:31,458
- I can't!
- You have to!

341
00:25:31,869 --> 00:25:36,439
I'm going to have to look through my telescope.
It's the only way I can watch "Casualty".

342
00:25:41,268 --> 00:25:44,849
Darling, you might have had a Brazilian!
I can't see it.

343
00:25:46,028 --> 00:25:49,748
Oh, no, something's started, darling,
something's started. All right, push!

344
00:25:50,429 --> 00:25:52,318
- Push!
- You're pushing it back in!

345
00:25:52,748 --> 00:25:56,258
- Sweetheart, there's a head!
- She's giving birth to a head!

346
00:25:56,909 --> 00:26:01,258
- There's a head!
- There's more! The head has attachments!

347
00:26:02,028 --> 00:26:06,419
Push again, darling! Push again!
All right, it's out, it's out!

348
00:26:07,189 --> 00:26:10,068
It's out. Oh, you've got a baby!

349
00:26:10,628 --> 00:26:12,628
It's a baby, it's a baby!

350
00:26:13,067 --> 00:26:17,707
It's a girl, sweetheart, it's a girl!
It's one of us, darling!

351
00:26:18,507 --> 00:26:21,878
- Shall I snip it? Scissors!
- No, no, just clamp it.

352
00:26:22,507 --> 00:26:25,348
- Clips, hair clips, your hair clips, Pats.
- Where is John?

353
00:26:25,908 --> 00:26:31,878
I'm here in the floor!
It's done, my darling, I think I've fixed it,

354
00:26:35,828 --> 00:26:38,878
- Well done, sweetie!
- Well done, darling!

355
00:26:39,467 --> 00:26:41,888
- Can I hold it?
- Can I hold it?

356
00:26:45,067 --> 00:26:48,928
Oh, am I too late?
Would these have been of any use?

357
00:26:50,267 --> 00:26:52,898
- Someone let the doctor in.
- Let the doctor in!

358
00:26:53,428 --> 00:26:55,108
Doctor, doctor!

359
00:26:58,787 --> 00:27:00,957
Sweetheart, Mama's here.

360
00:27:01,428 --> 00:27:03,178
Got a name for the baby?

361
00:27:04,027 --> 00:27:06,977
- Jane.
- Lola. Lola.

362
00:27:08,066 --> 00:27:10,667
Well, everything seems fine.

363
00:27:12,347 --> 00:27:14,516
Let me hold her, sweetheart.

364
00:27:14,986 --> 00:27:17,617
- Where's the placenta?
- In a towel over there.

365
00:27:19,026 --> 00:27:20,536
The what?!

366
00:27:22,026 --> 00:27:24,796
- We've got her! Let's go!
- let me see!

367
00:27:26,347 --> 00:27:30,206
Ugh! I'm not sure, Bo. Where's the face?

368
00:27:30,907 --> 00:27:33,226
- It comes later.
- We should take it back.

369
00:27:33,706 --> 00:27:35,706
No! Not now that we've bonded!

370
00:27:36,706 --> 00:27:39,687
- It's hideous!
- God don't make ugly, Marshall.

371
00:27:40,266 --> 00:27:46,066
I'm keeping it! I'll raise it as my own!
I'm not giving it to some Hollywood slut! Let's go!

372
00:27:47,026 --> 00:27:49,486
- Mama loves you, babe!
- What have we done?

373
00:27:53,107 --> 00:27:55,566
♪ Wheels on fire ♪

374
00:27:56,066 --> 00:28:00,877
♪ Rolling down the road ♪

375
00:28:01,706 --> 00:28:05,637
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

376
00:28:06,346 --> 00:28:11,475
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪

377
00:28:14,346 --> 00:28:18,696
- I'm not sure this is a vey good idea.
- We're just going to buy a newspaper.

378
00:28:19,465 --> 00:28:22,975
- Still looks a bit bloody to me.
- It's just a bit of old placenta.

379
00:28:25,186 --> 00:28:29,755
We'll get a newspaper, then stop at a café
and see if the Appletons are there.

380
00:28:30,545 --> 00:28:36,096
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪