I see dead people!
♪ Wheels on fire ♪
♪ Rolling down the road ♪
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪
(BABV CRIES)
(BABV CONTINUES CRVING)
The baby! Saff has had her baby! Stop it! Shut up!
I'm tying to sleep, darling! Will you make it stop, sweetheart?
Oh! Oh, God, I'm still REM-ing, darling! I'm still REM-ing, sweetheart!
(BABV CONTINUES CRVING)
ohhh!
(TOVS SQUEAK)
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
(QUACK-QUACK!)
(QUACK-QUACK! QUACK-QUACK! QUACK-QUACK!)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(BABV CRIES)
Where is that coming from?!
Turn it off!
(BABV CONTINUES CRVING)
Why hasn't it stopped, darling? Where is it?
Do something about it! Shut it up! Do something!
- That is a tired cry. She will be asleep soon. - THIS is a tired cry!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
THAT is a tired cry, darling! Put a cork in it. I did that with you. It always worked.
A champagne cork. You can't swallow the fat bit. Just put it in.
I have now lost a day's work, darling, with Queen Noor through sleep deprivation.
You are now costing me money and connections!
- She's on a routine, Mum. This is sleep time. - Sleep time?!
She must have jet lag because I'm on mean time! Where's she's been7. I.
- I don't know! - What is this Nazi book of child-rearing?
Sleep, shit, eat, talk, smile! What is it?
Do not deviate! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Gina bloody Ford!
Yes! What was it in your day? Dr Spock?
Not Dr Spock! Don't be ridiculous!
Dr Spock? "Dr Spock's Vulcan Book Of Child-Rearing", darling? Yeah, sure!
Raise a child that can render you unconscious by pinching your neck? I don't think so, darling!
- Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up! - Mum! She's supposed to get herself to sleep!
Darling, she is screaming to be released from the straitjacket of a routine you've got her in!
"loosen the straps," she cries!
Rub her gums with gin, darling. It always worked for me.
- That baby's like me, darling. Oh, yeah! - No, she is not and never will be!
- She is like me, sweetheart. - There has to be some structure!
They don't come with a manual! You make it up as you go along!
She needs a routine! I want her to know what happens when!
To feel secure that she will never be left never go hungry!
(SQUEAKS REPETITIVELY)
That same scratched old record, isn't it? It's my fault again!
Shut up!
(SILENCE)
(HISSES) You shut up, you! Just shut up!
You never took advantage of the opportunity of freedom I gave you!
You learned to get on with life, amuse yourself!
- That baby doesn't stand a chance! - Amuse myself? I was staying alive!
I had to find money for food, get a bus to Dad's, be invisible,
pretend to be a midget so people didn't take me to the police station!
- You're oppressing that child. - You left me in the dark without walk!
It was like free-falling without a parachute! I didn't know what I could and couldn't eat!
I had my stomach pumped five times!
Well! Consider yourself lucky, darling.
How many people can boast near-death experience as part of their learning curve?!
You're just angry, aren't you?
Tired and angry 'cause this ain't working and you can't admit it!
- It is working! - Ain't working.
Oh, God, what is HE doing now? What is he doing?
Did you know that one of the biggest dangers in the home
for the little children are the sharp edges and protrusions?
Some of these sharp edges can even take out the baby's eye.
- I'm just rubbing round... - Just stop it.
Stop it!
You could rub some sharp edges off HER while you're at it!
I want everything eke gone as well! The gates and things!
I want my house back, darling!
Have you any idea what it's like for me tying to come downstairs, darling?
I'm like that little experimental squirrel, aren't I, darling?
Tying to get the peanut - jumping from platform to platform!
Going along the washing line, sweetheart, into the little cart!
Boom, boom, boom, boom! And there ain't even a peanut at the end of it for me!
That baby, sweetheart, does not have to live in a padded cell!
- Oh, John, will you just leave... - (SCREECHES) Just leave it!
- Gran's coming over. Get ready. We can go out. - OK, OK.
- Gran won't be coming over. - She comes on Thursdays so we can go out.
Maybe not this afternoon because I have banned her for abusing my bathroom.
All right? With that little "Cocoon" spa day.
Darling, I am having to get rid of my pool
because it's just become a Petri dish of senile bacteria.
- Mum... - The surface was a mesh of old-man back hair!
By the colour of that water,
I don't think they make an incontinence swimming pant for the elderly gentleman!
Get out of my way! Going back to bed!
- That means we can't go out. I'm sorry, John. - It's OK.
Why don't you go and look at the hinges on the baby bath stand? Please!
- OK. - Thank you.
(SPEAKS SOUNDLESSLY)
(NO SOUND)
- Thursday and we've been tying... - What?
- Oh, Eddie. - What?
You know you put that maggot baby on the books of Models 1? Well, today's the first photo shoot.
- What? - I said Thursday 'cause the troll daughter is out.
- We've only got your mum to deal with. - Yeah.
I got some Rohypnol for Mrs M. We could just put it in her tea, mix it in, just knock...
Oh, shit ! My mother isn't coming today! We can't have the baby!
Darling, this is the Gaultier for Vogue show! We have to be there! We have to be there!
Stop saying that! My mother isn't coming! We can't have the baby!
- We could just snatch the baby! - Saffy and John are here, sweetheart.
We could split the dose! Darling, I told them definitely!
I've worked in fashion. This will go down vey badly! Just ask her!
What do you mean, ask her?! "Can I have the baby, please?" I think not! I know her!
Oh, no. That little dream has ended before it's even begun, darling.
Her first modelling job!
Oh, God, nothing is right any more!
I can't have the baby, I can't have my house, my space, my life!
- That is not right. - No, that is not right.
Just because some chance seed by accident happened to grow in that dessert of a being!
- It doesn't mean YOU should have to suffer! - No, she's ruining my life!
- She's ruining OUR life! - Yeah, darling!
Eddie, what's happened to you? You must take control!
- I must take control! No more nice Eddie! - No, darling, this is your house!
You wanna just snap your fingers and... Oww!
- I snapped my fingers! - Snap 'em back again. Take control.
- Do you have children? - Oh, yes!
One child who I adore and hardly gives me time for anything!
But, fern, because I love babies Geoff and l are hoping - cross fingers -
that one day, when I'm not so busy, we'll get around to having another implantation,
- You... Sorry, what have you got? - An embryo waiting for us when we're ready,
- frozen? - Yes!
All snuggly in its own little North Pole!
So what are you busy with at the moment, Katy?
What I'm MOSY excited about is the idea of interviewing celebrities,
And I know what you're thinking, fern! "Is there not a celebrity Len who hasn't said everything?
"They're all interviewed out!"
It's like your favourite bottle of drink, You pick it up and find it's empty,
Someone else has drunk it all!
So you tip it right up and you wait and you suck hard,
And you get your tongue in there and lick as hard as you can...
...and eventually you'll get the one last tasty drip,
And that drip might be a jewel!
And, fern, it's a drip nobody else got!
Would you like me to stay for the competition?
We don't wanna watch her, darling.
- Don't! - What?
She always does that!
'Cause you react. The only way to stop her is not to react. It's like Pavlov's dog.
The longer you go on reacting, the more she'll do it.
- What is this? - Oh, it's a baby gym, innit?
- Oh. Is this a Muppet? - Let's just put it on the floor.
All that money for a gym, you only use it once!
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, look, look. I've put this on.
- (BABV CRIES) - What's the matter with it now?
- She wants to be sick. - She's fine!
I may not know much about babies, but I do know about vomiting. She wants to be sick.
- Mum! - I want my space back, all right?!
Eddie, Eddie! Eddie, look!
That's fantastic. That's fantastic.
God, look at you. What a mess you are. You ought to have therapy, darling.
I had therapy - where they know what's wrong with you, but you must work it out for yourself!
- Get a nanny. Come on. - No, I'm doing this on my own.
I'll ring the agency for you, darling. They can't all be mad baby-shakers.
Anyway, darling, if you could harm a baby by shaking it, you'd have been a goner!
- Patsy used to shake YOU about! - When you swallowed pennies!
- Always swallowing pennies. - We had to put 'em somewhere.
You were like a little money box. Put one in, then shake you when we wanted it out again!
- Saffron, are you OK? - Yes!
- Just getting my tool kit because the tread... - I don't need to know the details! Just do it!
Oh, darling. Oh, dear, oh, dear.
- You'll lose him. - You don't know anything about our relationship.
I can spot low self-image and no libido a mile off, darling. Look at you.
- When did you last have... - Have penetration.
Yeah, when did you last have penetration? I know he stays over!
I'm not talking about this with you!
Pull yourself together. Do something with yourself or you will lose him.
He's probably porking a prossie anyway.
Oh, yeah.
Men like a woman, darling, not some kind of feeding station like you.
They don't want a bra full of damp pads and lactic crust, do they?
- They want a firm lady bowler! - Yeah, not bovine udders akimbo!
- You're even starting to smell like a baby. - Sour puke.
You wanna make sure that that pelvic floor is kept in shape.
- You want to take care of DOWN THERE. - Yeah. Trim and tighten.
- Men like it neat and tight. - Yeah, not swinging saloon doors, Eddie.
I had my whole floor re-sprung after I had her! That's not me.
(SOBS)
What?
- What, darling? What is it? What? - You're right.
- What, sweetheart? - Look at me!
- Darling... - Why would he stay with me?
Darling...
Oh, come on, my sweet.
- There's things you can do, darling. - Yeah, shave your feet!
Oh, darling, it's all right, sweetheart.
- I need to get out. - Yeah.
- Yes. - With John.
- Yes. - Yes.
Mum, would...
Would you look after Jane for a couple of hours?
Yes!
Not YOU!
No. No, darling, she won't be here. Are you asking me?
Oh, yeah, darling. I won't let you down, sweetheart.
- In the house. You can't go out. - I won't go out, sweetheart. I won't go out.
- I'll leave everything. - You just go, sweetheart.
I need to express some milk.
Oh, darling, she asked ME.
- She asked me. - Darling, darling, darling, darling.
- Yeah? - When she's gone, we can take her to the zoo.
- To the zoo? - To the Gaultier shoot.
- Darling, she's trusting me. - Don't worry about HER!
It's as much YOUR baby! You're the mother of the mother! Darling, it's hardly child abuse.
You're taking the baby to the zoo to have a lovely picture taken.
- That's not a crime. - Not an arrestable offence!
You deserve a little pleasure
after the YEARS that little troll has put you through.
This little baby is like a Prozac raindrop from a thundercloud of depression.
Yeah, my baby too. That's vey beautifully put, Pats. I like that.
- Cheers. - You could put that on a sticker or something.
Mum, Patsy can't be here.
- No, she's going, aren't you, darling? - Yeah. See you later, darling. Promise!
- What? - So, Eddie, see you tomorrow...night...evening.
Is that the espresso?
Is that a tit-full?
I think I could do a bit better than that!
Where's it gone? Where's it gone?
Ohh!
- I'm not sure this is safe. - But she is the mother.
What is safer than the mother? The mother is the safest person in the whole world.
- We have to be able to trust you. - Course you can trust me. Off you go.
- We will be two hours. - Yeah, two hours. Fine, sweetheart.
Hey, something for you. A little thing for later. A little packet of condoms.
- Are you suggesting that... - No, it's just for later...
Saffron, your mother's being flirtatious with me!
No, I'm not being flirtatious with him!
- It's for you! Not me, for her! - You are so embarrassing!
- Just get out! Just get out, just get out! - Let's go!
Sweetheart, I'm here. Mummy's here.
That's a good temperature, good temperature.
(MACHINE WHIRRS)
(RHYTHMIC PUMPING)
Eddie, where are you?
(WHISPERS) Darling, mother only just leaving the nest, comprende?
Small pick-up io! Heh-heh-heh!
Well, hurry up, babe! I'm starting to get looks!
What do we need? Hello, hello, we're going to the zoo!
I'm gonna take you to the zoo! (BABY TALK)
Darling, let's write a note for Mama. It's for education, I'm gonna say.
'Cause we want to go for education!
Here, take this. We're in a rush. Pushchair, pushchair.
You're stuck, you stupid thing! Get up there, you stupid...
Nappies, bags, bottles! Catch! Nappies, bags, bottles! Baby!
Granny's taking you to the zoo! Yes, she is, darling!
We're going to the zoo! I've got her in the front. Just come and drive. She can go on my knee.
We'll tell her we're on our way.
Pats, we're travelling. Ty and fit in until we get there.
You don't know me.
You didn't say which monkeys you were by. I've only got two hours till Saff's back.
- We've got to do Gaultier! - I told her it's educational.
- Educational things, darling! - (MUSIC PLAVS)
- Was that good? - Not as good as the fish.
Have I got 10p? Haven't got time. Come on, we've gotta go. Baby.
- "Bugs". - It is a bar?
- No. - That lion had enormous bollocks.
Saffy's not interested in enormous bollocks, she's interested in conservation.
Oh, this is good. I'll write this down.
Bio...biodiversity and conservation. Hold, hold. I've got to write it down.
Gaaaaaaaah!
S-S-Something s-s-smells!
Oh, Eddie, it smells terrible!
Pooper, pooper, pooper! Pull it open. Poo! Pull, pull!
- That's it, yeah. - OK.
- Here we are. - Put it on.
- Which way? - That way. With the legs this way.
- What do we do, darling? - We...
Lie down. There we go, sweetheart. Come on, sweetie. There we go.
We're gonna change your nappy! What are you doing to its legs?
- Stretching them. If it's gonna be a model... - Stop it. It doesn't like it.
- Do we put the money in somewhere? - It must be free. Just press a button.
I've pressed a button.
Eddie, this isn't working. How do these things work?
Um...I think you put the child on, shut it up, leave it, get it down again, and it'll be done.
- Like a trouser press. - It doesn't say that.
- All right, let's just do it. Come on. And... - Baby changing facility.
- Stop! What are you doing? - It doesn't seem to be working.
She's all right. It's just not working.
We've tipped her wrong way. That's got poop out of the collar.
- I'll do it. - That's "happy" in her language.
Mum, we're home!
Mum?
Edininia?
- Has she gone out? - We shouldn't have left her! Where is she?
Mum?
- It's OK, there's a letter. - What does it say?
- She's taken her to the zoo. - Oh, my God!
- No, it's OK. - We have to go after her!
- No. Come on. - What?
We are alone and it's quiet.
- Our baby! - It's OK.
- Oh, but, John... - It's OK. You don't have to shave your feet.
Don't worry.
Wow!
Good.
(MUFFLED CONVERSATION)
(MUFFLED) Oh, Jean Paul!
Bonjour!
Allez-vous en ! Je te fais foutre.
- One of these is your baby? - Yeah, yeah, one of 'em.
- They all look the same to me! - Yes, that little mixed-race one. That's her.
- I see no resemblance. - Well, I'm not wearing a nappy!
- She looks nice in the clothes. - Yeah. Seen my earrings? I love your earrings.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, not now. Jean Paul, what's going on here? What's the vibe?
- Oh, by the way, Jeremy sends his love. - I adore him.
He adores you, I adore him, he adores me and I adore you. It's a circle of love.
I've got the earrings, but I'm completely bare-chested!
- I need something dangling here! - Eddie!
I'm sorry, John, I can't relax.
- It's OK, it'll be all right. - No, she can't be trusted.
I think you're wrong. She's vey safety-conscious, responsible.
It was HER that gave us the condoms.
All right, darling, we're coming home now.
Didn't you get my note? We'll come home now, darling.
let's forget about education, sweetheart, and dio-bio-versity and everything like that!
We'll live in the domain of ignorance and watch teletubby videos if that's what you want (!)
See you in a minute. No, I am not drunk! How can I be? I'm at the bloody zoo!
- How long should it take? - I don't know.
- How long have they been? - I have no idea.
I don't believe they've been to the zoo! Smell everything when they come in!
- Darling, she's asleep. - Everything's OK. let's go back upstairs.
Stop it!
Darling... Pats, show her the lovely education stuff we got at the zoo.
- I wasn't at the zoo. - (LAUGHS) Pats!
- Mum, I trusted you. - That trust was well placed.
look, she's alive and well and happy and loved, darling.
In fact, darling,
I think, because you trusted me, sweetheart, for once in my life I've done something right.
That's funny, isn't it?
I was looking at this little baby's face in the car on the way home, darling.
I could see a little bit of both of us in her. I could... Not YOU! I couldn't see you!
She has a bit of both of us, darling. We've bonded a bit.
I think, because I've bonded with her I've bonded with you, as well, darling'.
Thank you for that gift. Thank you, darling. Group hug, sweetheart. Little hug. Awww!
Not you, I said, not you!
Oh, sweetie-pie!
Here, darling. Careful with her head. There we go, darling, that's it. There we go.
(SIGHS) I feel like part of my heart has been ripped out.
This isn't our baby!
♪ Wheels on fire ♪
♪ Rolling down the road ♪
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪
♪ This wheel shall explode ♪
- What have you done to our little jewel? - You sure?
- Hello! - ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪