1 00:00:20,090 --> 00:00:23,600 I see dead people! 2 00:00:26,410 --> 00:00:28,160 ♪ Wheels on fire ♪ 3 00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:34,109 ♪ Rolling down the road ♪ 4 00:00:34,930 --> 00:00:38,759 ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ 5 00:00:39,449 --> 00:00:44,749 ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ 6 00:00:46,809 --> 00:00:49,368 (BABV CRIES) 7 00:00:51,209 --> 00:00:53,459 (BABV CONTINUES CRVING) 8 00:00:59,449 --> 00:01:03,728 The baby! Saff has had her baby! Stop it! Shut up! 9 00:01:04,488 --> 00:01:08,527 I'm tying to sleep, darling! Will you make it stop, sweetheart? 10 00:01:09,247 --> 00:01:13,637 Oh! Oh, God, I'm still REM-ing, darling! I'm still REM-ing, sweetheart! 11 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,798 (BABV CONTINUES CRVING) 12 00:01:18,608 --> 00:01:20,537 ohhh! 13 00:01:22,568 --> 00:01:24,777 (TOVS SQUEAK) 14 00:01:25,807 --> 00:01:27,878 Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 15 00:01:35,646 --> 00:01:37,187 (QUACK-QUACK!) 16 00:01:40,927 --> 00:01:42,157 (QUACK-QUACK!) 17 00:01:45,607 --> 00:01:48,586 (QUACK-QUACK! QUACK-QUACK! QUACK-QUACK!) 18 00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:51,196 Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 19 00:01:59,725 --> 00:02:01,686 (BABV CRIES) 20 00:02:02,126 --> 00:02:03,805 Where is that coming from?! 21 00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,266 Turn it off! 22 00:02:06,645 --> 00:02:08,326 (BABV CONTINUES CRVING) 23 00:02:08,726 --> 00:02:11,215 Why hasn't it stopped, darling? Where is it? 24 00:02:12,125 --> 00:02:15,145 Do something about it! Shut it up! Do something! 25 00:02:15,725 --> 00:02:20,605 - That is a tired cry. She will be asleep soon. - THIS is a tired cry! 26 00:02:21,445 --> 00:02:23,864 Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 27 00:02:24,364 --> 00:02:29,314 THAT is a tired cry, darling! Put a cork in it. I did that with you. It always worked. 28 00:02:30,165 --> 00:02:33,675 A champagne cork. You can't swallow the fat bit. Just put it in. 29 00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:40,024 I have now lost a day's work, darling, with Queen Noor through sleep deprivation. 30 00:02:40,843 --> 00:02:43,683 You are now costing me money and connections! 31 00:02:44,243 --> 00:02:48,004 - She's on a routine, Mum. This is sleep time. - Sleep time?! 32 00:02:48,683 --> 00:02:52,194 She must have jet lag because I'm on mean time! Where's she's been7. I. 33 00:02:52,843 --> 00:02:58,113 - I don't know! - What is this Nazi book of child-rearing? 34 00:02:59,004 --> 00:03:01,773 Sleep, shit, eat, talk, smile! What is it? 35 00:03:02,323 --> 00:03:05,973 Do not deviate! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Gina bloody Ford! 36 00:03:06,642 --> 00:03:09,133 Yes! What was it in your day? Dr Spock? 37 00:03:09,642 --> 00:03:13,052 Not Dr Spock! Don't be ridiculous! 38 00:03:13,682 --> 00:03:18,673 Dr Spock? "Dr Spock's Vulcan Book Of Child-Rearing", darling? Yeah, sure! 39 00:03:19,522 --> 00:03:24,443 Raise a child that can render you unconscious by pinching your neck? I don't think so, darling! 40 00:03:25,961 --> 00:03:31,722 - Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up! - Mum! She's supposed to get herself to sleep! 41 00:03:32,681 --> 00:03:37,771 Darling, she is screaming to be released from the straitjacket of a routine you've got her in! 42 00:03:38,641 --> 00:03:41,202 "loosen the straps," she cries! 43 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:44,741 Rub her gums with gin, darling. It always worked for me. 44 00:03:45,801 --> 00:03:50,401 - That baby's like me, darling. Oh, yeah! - No, she is not and never will be! 45 00:03:51,201 --> 00:03:55,031 - She is like me, sweetheart. - There has to be some structure! 46 00:03:55,721 --> 00:03:59,691 They don't come with a manual! You make it up as you go along! 47 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:04,631 She needs a routine! I want her to know what happens when! 48 00:04:05,321 --> 00:04:08,481 To feel secure that she will never be left never go hungry! 49 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,251 (SQUEAKS REPETITIVELY) 50 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,200 That same scratched old record, isn't it? It's my fault again! 51 00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:16,999 Shut up! 52 00:04:17,319 --> 00:04:18,689 (SILENCE) 53 00:04:21,239 --> 00:04:23,770 (HISSES) You shut up, you! Just shut up! 54 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:28,210 You never took advantage of the opportunity of freedom I gave you! 55 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:32,100 You learned to get on with life, amuse yourself! 56 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:37,429 - That baby doesn't stand a chance! - Amuse myself? I was staying alive! 57 00:04:38,238 --> 00:04:41,748 I had to find money for food, get a bus to Dad's, be invisible, 58 00:04:42,399 --> 00:04:46,748 pretend to be a midget so people didn't take me to the police station! 59 00:04:47,519 --> 00:04:50,748 - You're oppressing that child. - You left me in the dark without walk! 60 00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:55,608 It was like free-falling without a parachute! I didn't know what I could and couldn't eat! 61 00:04:56,358 --> 00:04:58,709 I had my stomach pumped five times! 62 00:04:59,197 --> 00:05:01,588 Well! Consider yourself lucky, darling. 63 00:05:02,078 --> 00:05:06,788 How many people can boast near-death experience as part of their learning curve?! 64 00:05:08,797 --> 00:05:10,588 You're just angry, aren't you? 65 00:05:10,997 --> 00:05:15,208 Tired and angry 'cause this ain't working and you can't admit it! 66 00:05:15,958 --> 00:05:18,057 - It is working! - Ain't working. 67 00:05:18,518 --> 00:05:21,778 Oh, God, what is HE doing now? What is he doing? 68 00:05:22,397 --> 00:05:26,017 Did you know that one of the biggest dangers in the home 69 00:05:26,676 --> 00:05:30,186 for the little children are the sharp edges and protrusions? 70 00:05:30,837 --> 00:05:34,486 Some of these sharp edges can even take out the baby's eye. 71 00:05:35,157 --> 00:05:37,616 - I'm just rubbing round... - Just stop it. 72 00:05:38,116 --> 00:05:39,556 Stop it! 73 00:05:39,917 --> 00:05:43,676 You could rub some sharp edges off HER while you're at it! 74 00:05:44,356 --> 00:05:47,587 I want everything eke gone as well! The gates and things! 75 00:05:48,195 --> 00:05:49,875 I want my house back, darling! 76 00:05:50,276 --> 00:05:54,555 Have you any idea what it's like for me tying to come downstairs, darling? 77 00:05:55,315 --> 00:05:58,505 I'm like that little experimental squirrel, aren't I, darling? 78 00:05:59,115 --> 00:06:02,206 Tying to get the peanut - jumping from platform to platform! 79 00:06:02,795 --> 00:06:06,795 Going along the washing line, sweetheart, into the little cart! 80 00:06:07,516 --> 00:06:12,716 Boom, boom, boom, boom! And there ain't even a peanut at the end of it for me! 81 00:06:13,595 --> 00:06:17,804 That baby, sweetheart, does not have to live in a padded cell! 82 00:06:18,554 --> 00:06:21,254 - Oh, John, will you just leave... - (SCREECHES) Just leave it! 83 00:06:24,114 --> 00:06:27,975 - Gran's coming over. Get ready. We can go out. - OK, OK. 84 00:06:30,955 --> 00:06:35,345 - Gran won't be coming over. - She comes on Thursdays so we can go out. 85 00:06:36,113 --> 00:06:40,534 Maybe not this afternoon because I have banned her for abusing my bathroom. 86 00:06:41,313 --> 00:06:44,543 All right? With that little "Cocoon" spa day. 87 00:06:46,113 --> 00:06:48,784 Darling, I am having to get rid of my pool 88 00:06:49,313 --> 00:06:53,243 because it's just become a Petri dish of senile bacteria. 89 00:06:54,474 --> 00:06:58,683 - Mum... - The surface was a mesh of old-man back hair! 90 00:07:00,672 --> 00:07:02,922 By the colour of that water, 91 00:07:03,393 --> 00:07:07,252 I don't think they make an incontinence swimming pant for the elderly gentleman! 92 00:07:08,872 --> 00:07:11,263 Get out of my way! Going back to bed! 93 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:16,343 - That means we can't go out. I'm sorry, John. - It's OK. 94 00:07:17,913 --> 00:07:21,982 Why don't you go and look at the hinges on the baby bath stand? Please! 95 00:07:22,712 --> 00:07:24,501 - OK. - Thank you. 96 00:07:28,311 --> 00:07:30,522 (SPEAKS SOUNDLESSLY) 97 00:07:35,152 --> 00:07:37,181 (NO SOUND) 98 00:07:39,871 --> 00:07:42,121 - Thursday and we've been tying... - What? 99 00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:44,731 - Oh, Eddie. - What? 100 00:07:45,190 --> 00:07:50,040 You know you put that maggot baby on the books of Models 1? Well, today's the first photo shoot. 101 00:07:51,230 --> 00:07:54,250 - What? - I said Thursday 'cause the troll daughter is out. 102 00:07:54,831 --> 00:07:57,500 - We've only got your mum to deal with. - Yeah. 103 00:07:58,031 --> 00:08:03,120 I got some Rohypnol for Mrs M. We could just put it in her tea, mix it in, just knock... 104 00:08:03,990 --> 00:08:07,360 Oh, shit ! My mother isn't coming today! We can't have the baby! 105 00:08:07,989 --> 00:08:13,010 Darling, this is the Gaultier for Vogue show! We have to be there! We have to be there! 106 00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:18,010 Stop saying that! My mother isn't coming! We can't have the baby! 107 00:08:19,910 --> 00:08:23,630 - We could just snatch the baby! - Saffy and John are here, sweetheart. 108 00:08:24,309 --> 00:08:28,169 We could split the dose! Darling, I told them definitely! 109 00:08:28,869 --> 00:08:32,490 I've worked in fashion. This will go down vey badly! Just ask her! 110 00:08:33,149 --> 00:08:38,308 What do you mean, ask her?! "Can I have the baby, please?" I think not! I know her! 111 00:08:39,188 --> 00:08:43,048 Oh, no. That little dream has ended before it's even begun, darling. 112 00:08:43,749 --> 00:08:45,849 Her first modelling job! 113 00:08:46,308 --> 00:08:48,698 Oh, God, nothing is right any more! 114 00:08:49,188 --> 00:08:54,109 I can't have the baby, I can't have my house, my space, my life! 115 00:08:54,947 --> 00:08:57,368 - That is not right. - No, that is not right. 116 00:08:57,868 --> 00:09:02,327 Just because some chance seed by accident happened to grow in that dessert of a being! 117 00:09:03,108 --> 00:09:06,937 - It doesn't mean YOU should have to suffer! - No, she's ruining my life! 118 00:09:07,628 --> 00:09:09,307 - She's ruining OUR life! - Yeah, darling! 119 00:09:09,707 --> 00:09:12,618 Eddie, what's happened to you? You must take control! 120 00:09:14,667 --> 00:09:18,427 - I must take control! No more nice Eddie! - No, darling, this is your house! 121 00:09:19,107 --> 00:09:22,336 You wanna just snap your fingers and... Oww! 122 00:09:24,306 --> 00:09:27,956 - I snapped my fingers! - Snap 'em back again. Take control. 123 00:09:32,586 --> 00:09:34,546 - Do you have children? - Oh, yes! 124 00:09:34,987 --> 00:09:38,956 One child who I adore and hardly gives me time for anything! 125 00:09:40,867 --> 00:09:45,857 But, fern, because I love babies Geoff and l are hoping - cross fingers - 126 00:09:46,705 --> 00:09:51,236 that one day, when I'm not so busy, we'll get around to having another implantation, 127 00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:56,165 - You... Sorry, what have you got? - An embryo waiting for us when we're ready, 128 00:09:56,906 --> 00:09:58,726 - frozen? - Yes! 129 00:09:59,146 --> 00:10:01,396 All snuggly in its own little North Pole! 130 00:10:02,986 --> 00:10:05,866 So what are you busy with at the moment, Katy? 131 00:10:06,424 --> 00:10:10,005 What I'm MOSY excited about is the idea of interviewing celebrities, 132 00:10:10,664 --> 00:10:16,635 And I know what you're thinking, fern! "Is there not a celebrity Len who hasn't said everything? 133 00:10:17,625 --> 00:10:19,304 "They're all interviewed out!" 134 00:10:21,745 --> 00:10:25,745 It's like your favourite bottle of drink, You pick it up and find it's empty, 135 00:10:26,464 --> 00:10:28,184 Someone else has drunk it all! 136 00:10:28,583 --> 00:10:33,154 So you tip it right up and you wait and you suck hard, 137 00:10:33,943 --> 00:10:37,494 And you get your tongue in there and lick as hard as you can... 138 00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:42,114 ...and eventually you'll get the one last tasty drip, 139 00:10:43,583 --> 00:10:46,494 And that drip might be a jewel! 140 00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,624 And, fern, it's a drip nobody else got! 141 00:10:53,743 --> 00:10:56,162 Would you like me to stay for the competition? 142 00:10:59,503 --> 00:11:01,712 We don't wanna watch her, darling. 143 00:11:06,542 --> 00:11:08,223 - Don't! - What? 144 00:11:10,223 --> 00:11:12,182 She always does that! 145 00:11:12,623 --> 00:11:17,192 'Cause you react. The only way to stop her is not to react. It's like Pavlov's dog. 146 00:11:17,982 --> 00:11:21,031 The longer you go on reacting, the more she'll do it. 147 00:11:21,622 --> 00:11:24,392 - What is this? - Oh, it's a baby gym, innit? 148 00:11:24,941 --> 00:11:28,242 - Oh. Is this a Muppet? - Let's just put it on the floor. 149 00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:31,352 All that money for a gym, you only use it once! 150 00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:37,152 Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, look, look. I've put this on. 151 00:11:46,501 --> 00:11:48,670 - (BABV CRIES) - What's the matter with it now? 152 00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:50,960 - She wants to be sick. - She's fine! 153 00:11:51,381 --> 00:11:55,800 I may not know much about babies, but I do know about vomiting. She wants to be sick. 154 00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:59,141 - Mum! - I want my space back, all right?! 155 00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:02,190 Eddie, Eddie! Eddie, look! 156 00:12:02,699 --> 00:12:05,789 That's fantastic. That's fantastic. 157 00:12:07,299 --> 00:12:12,289 God, look at you. What a mess you are. You ought to have therapy, darling. 158 00:12:13,140 --> 00:12:18,130 I had therapy - where they know what's wrong with you, but you must work it out for yourself! 159 00:12:20,539 --> 00:12:23,909 - Get a nanny. Come on. - No, I'm doing this on my own. 160 00:12:24,539 --> 00:12:28,299 I'll ring the agency for you, darling. They can't all be mad baby-shakers. 161 00:12:30,778 --> 00:12:35,168 Anyway, darling, if you could harm a baby by shaking it, you'd have been a goner! 162 00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:41,028 - Patsy used to shake YOU about! - When you swallowed pennies! 163 00:12:41,698 --> 00:12:44,678 - Always swallowing pennies. - We had to put 'em somewhere. 164 00:12:45,259 --> 00:12:50,349 You were like a little money box. Put one in, then shake you when we wanted it out again! 165 00:12:52,577 --> 00:12:55,907 - Saffron, are you OK? - Yes! 166 00:12:56,537 --> 00:13:01,317 - Just getting my tool kit because the tread... - I don't need to know the details! Just do it! 167 00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:15,557 Oh, darling. Oh, dear, oh, dear. 168 00:13:16,097 --> 00:13:20,166 - You'll lose him. - You don't know anything about our relationship. 169 00:13:21,337 --> 00:13:25,867 I can spot low self-image and no libido a mile off, darling. Look at you. 170 00:13:26,656 --> 00:13:28,757 - When did you last have... - Have penetration. 171 00:13:32,056 --> 00:13:35,887 Yeah, when did you last have penetration? I know he stays over! 172 00:13:36,576 --> 00:13:38,826 I'm not talking about this with you! 173 00:13:40,096 --> 00:13:43,506 Pull yourself together. Do something with yourself or you will lose him. 174 00:13:44,136 --> 00:13:46,736 He's probably porking a prossie anyway. 175 00:13:47,256 --> 00:13:48,795 Oh, yeah. 176 00:13:49,175 --> 00:13:53,496 Men like a woman, darling, not some kind of feeding station like you. 177 00:13:54,256 --> 00:13:58,396 They don't want a bra full of damp pads and lactic crust, do they? 178 00:13:59,136 --> 00:14:03,346 - They want a firm lady bowler! - Yeah, not bovine udders akimbo! 179 00:14:06,855 --> 00:14:10,085 - You're even starting to smell like a baby. - Sour puke. 180 00:14:11,855 --> 00:14:15,154 You wanna make sure that that pelvic floor is kept in shape. 181 00:14:15,774 --> 00:14:19,005 - You want to take care of DOWN THERE. - Yeah. Trim and tighten. 182 00:14:19,615 --> 00:14:23,515 - Men like it neat and tight. - Yeah, not swinging saloon doors, Eddie. 183 00:14:25,693 --> 00:14:29,203 I had my whole floor re-sprung after I had her! That's not me. 184 00:14:30,894 --> 00:14:32,224 (SOBS) 185 00:14:41,254 --> 00:14:42,653 What? 186 00:14:47,374 --> 00:14:50,673 - What, darling? What is it? What? - You're right. 187 00:14:52,253 --> 00:14:54,812 - What, sweetheart? - Look at me! 188 00:14:58,532 --> 00:15:01,483 - Darling... - Why would he stay with me? 189 00:15:05,013 --> 00:15:06,312 Darling... 190 00:15:06,652 --> 00:15:08,333 Oh, come on, my sweet. 191 00:15:11,051 --> 00:15:14,311 - There's things you can do, darling. - Yeah, shave your feet! 192 00:15:22,291 --> 00:15:24,712 Oh, darling, it's all right, sweetheart. 193 00:15:25,212 --> 00:15:26,931 - I need to get out. - Yeah. 194 00:15:27,332 --> 00:15:29,541 - Yes. - With John. 195 00:15:30,492 --> 00:15:32,242 - Yes. - Yes. 196 00:15:35,851 --> 00:15:37,251 Mum, would... 197 00:15:40,410 --> 00:15:43,361 Would you look after Jane for a couple of hours? 198 00:15:43,930 --> 00:15:45,440 Yes! 199 00:15:47,371 --> 00:15:48,981 Not YOU! 200 00:15:49,371 --> 00:15:53,371 No. No, darling, she won't be here. Are you asking me? 201 00:15:55,091 --> 00:15:57,861 Oh, yeah, darling. I won't let you down, sweetheart. 202 00:15:58,409 --> 00:16:02,830 - In the house. You can't go out. - I won't go out, sweetheart. I won't go out. 203 00:16:03,610 --> 00:16:06,519 - I'll leave everything. - You just go, sweetheart. 204 00:16:07,610 --> 00:16:09,500 I need to express some milk. 205 00:16:23,849 --> 00:16:25,808 Oh, darling, she asked ME. 206 00:16:27,329 --> 00:16:30,349 - She asked me. - Darling, darling, darling, darling. 207 00:16:30,928 --> 00:16:33,948 - Yeah? - When she's gone, we can take her to the zoo. 208 00:16:35,969 --> 00:16:38,318 - To the zoo? - To the Gaultier shoot. 209 00:16:41,329 --> 00:16:43,999 - Darling, she's trusting me. - Don't worry about HER! 210 00:16:44,528 --> 00:16:49,869 It's as much YOUR baby! You're the mother of the mother! Darling, it's hardly child abuse. 211 00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:54,838 You're taking the baby to the zoo to have a lovely picture taken. 212 00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:58,197 - That's not a crime. - Not an arrestable offence! 213 00:16:58,728 --> 00:17:00,657 You deserve a little pleasure 214 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:04,707 after the YEARS that little troll has put you through. 215 00:17:05,368 --> 00:17:10,147 This little baby is like a Prozac raindrop from a thundercloud of depression. 216 00:17:13,246 --> 00:17:17,146 Yeah, my baby too. That's vey beautifully put, Pats. I like that. 217 00:17:17,847 --> 00:17:20,797 - Cheers. - You could put that on a sticker or something. 218 00:17:21,926 --> 00:17:23,956 Mum, Patsy can't be here. 219 00:17:25,807 --> 00:17:29,777 - No, she's going, aren't you, darling? - Yeah. See you later, darling. Promise! 220 00:17:30,926 --> 00:17:34,996 - What? - So, Eddie, see you tomorrow...night...evening. 221 00:17:38,846 --> 00:17:40,596 Is that the espresso? 222 00:17:43,005 --> 00:17:44,685 Is that a tit-full? 223 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,995 I think I could do a bit better than that! 224 00:17:52,725 --> 00:17:55,255 Where's it gone? Where's it gone? 225 00:17:55,766 --> 00:17:57,586 Ohh! 226 00:17:58,004 --> 00:18:00,775 - I'm not sure this is safe. - But she is the mother. 227 00:18:01,325 --> 00:18:06,244 What is safer than the mother? The mother is the safest person in the whole world. 228 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:12,394 - We have to be able to trust you. - Course you can trust me. Off you go. 229 00:18:13,164 --> 00:18:16,575 - We will be two hours. - Yeah, two hours. Fine, sweetheart. 230 00:18:18,644 --> 00:18:23,424 Hey, something for you. A little thing for later. A little packet of condoms. 231 00:18:24,243 --> 00:18:27,014 - Are you suggesting that... - No, it's just for later... 232 00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:29,983 Saffron, your mother's being flirtatious with me! 233 00:18:30,483 --> 00:18:32,874 No, I'm not being flirtatious with him! 234 00:18:34,804 --> 00:18:37,753 - It's for you! Not me, for her! - You are so embarrassing! 235 00:18:38,324 --> 00:18:41,374 - Just get out! Just get out, just get out! - Let's go! 236 00:18:48,563 --> 00:18:50,732 Sweetheart, I'm here. Mummy's here. 237 00:19:03,682 --> 00:19:06,212 That's a good temperature, good temperature. 238 00:19:28,921 --> 00:19:30,602 (MACHINE WHIRRS) 239 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,771 (RHYTHMIC PUMPING) 240 00:19:50,881 --> 00:19:52,490 Eddie, where are you? 241 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:57,630 (WHISPERS) Darling, mother only just leaving the nest, comprende? 242 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,669 Small pick-up io! Heh-heh-heh! 243 00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:03,689 Well, hurry up, babe! I'm starting to get looks! 244 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,889 What do we need? Hello, hello, we're going to the zoo! 245 00:20:09,479 --> 00:20:13,030 I'm gonna take you to the zoo! (BABY TALK) 246 00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:17,370 Darling, let's write a note for Mama. It's for education, I'm gonna say. 247 00:20:18,039 --> 00:20:20,428 'Cause we want to go for education! 248 00:20:20,918 --> 00:20:24,569 Here, take this. We're in a rush. Pushchair, pushchair. 249 00:20:25,238 --> 00:20:28,789 You're stuck, you stupid thing! Get up there, you stupid... 250 00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:34,948 Nappies, bags, bottles! Catch! Nappies, bags, bottles! Baby! 251 00:20:35,599 --> 00:20:39,289 Granny's taking you to the zoo! Yes, she is, darling! 252 00:20:39,958 --> 00:20:45,438 We're going to the zoo! I've got her in the front. Just come and drive. She can go on my knee. 253 00:20:47,758 --> 00:20:49,788 We'll tell her we're on our way. 254 00:20:50,237 --> 00:20:53,258 Pats, we're travelling. Ty and fit in until we get there. 255 00:21:02,878 --> 00:21:04,907 You don't know me. 256 00:21:06,156 --> 00:21:11,077 You didn't say which monkeys you were by. I've only got two hours till Saff's back. 257 00:21:11,916 --> 00:21:14,686 - We've got to do Gaultier! - I told her it's educational. 258 00:21:16,236 --> 00:21:18,867 - Educational things, darling! - (MUSIC PLAVS) 259 00:21:26,277 --> 00:21:28,666 - Was that good? - Not as good as the fish. 260 00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:32,665 Have I got 10p? Haven't got time. Come on, we've gotta go. Baby. 261 00:21:36,675 --> 00:21:38,215 - "Bugs". - It is a bar? 262 00:21:38,596 --> 00:21:41,126 - No. - That lion had enormous bollocks. 263 00:21:41,635 --> 00:21:45,955 Saffy's not interested in enormous bollocks, she's interested in conservation. 264 00:21:46,715 --> 00:21:48,816 Oh, this is good. I'll write this down. 265 00:21:49,276 --> 00:21:54,225 Bio...biodiversity and conservation. Hold, hold. I've got to write it down. 266 00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:57,865 Gaaaaaaaah! 267 00:21:59,115 --> 00:22:02,275 S-S-Something s-s-smells! 268 00:22:04,835 --> 00:22:06,765 Oh, Eddie, it smells terrible! 269 00:22:10,474 --> 00:22:15,394 Pooper, pooper, pooper! Pull it open. Poo! Pull, pull! 270 00:22:16,233 --> 00:22:17,913 - That's it, yeah. - OK. 271 00:22:18,314 --> 00:22:20,243 - Here we are. - Put it on. 272 00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:23,653 - Which way? - That way. With the legs this way. 273 00:22:24,233 --> 00:22:25,913 - What do we do, darling? - We... 274 00:22:26,314 --> 00:22:30,423 Lie down. There we go, sweetheart. Come on, sweetie. There we go. 275 00:22:31,153 --> 00:22:34,413 We're gonna change your nappy! What are you doing to its legs? 276 00:22:35,034 --> 00:22:38,893 - Stretching them. If it's gonna be a model... - Stop it. It doesn't like it. 277 00:22:39,593 --> 00:22:44,053 - Do we put the money in somewhere? - It must be free. Just press a button. 278 00:22:44,833 --> 00:22:46,583 I've pressed a button. 279 00:22:48,712 --> 00:22:51,732 Eddie, this isn't working. How do these things work? 280 00:22:53,632 --> 00:22:58,583 Um...I think you put the child on, shut it up, leave it, get it down again, and it'll be done. 281 00:22:59,432 --> 00:23:01,922 - Like a trouser press. - It doesn't say that. 282 00:23:02,431 --> 00:23:06,221 - All right, let's just do it. Come on. And... - Baby changing facility. 283 00:23:07,752 --> 00:23:11,262 - Stop! What are you doing? - It doesn't seem to be working. 284 00:23:11,911 --> 00:23:13,872 She's all right. It's just not working. 285 00:23:14,312 --> 00:23:17,471 We've tipped her wrong way. That's got poop out of the collar. 286 00:23:18,072 --> 00:23:20,701 - I'll do it. - That's "happy" in her language. 287 00:23:26,271 --> 00:23:27,950 Mum, we're home! 288 00:23:30,591 --> 00:23:31,821 Mum? 289 00:23:33,230 --> 00:23:34,740 Edininia? 290 00:23:36,311 --> 00:23:40,771 - Has she gone out? - We shouldn't have left her! Where is she? 291 00:23:42,551 --> 00:23:43,710 Mum? 292 00:23:45,831 --> 00:23:48,460 - It's OK, there's a letter. - What does it say? 293 00:23:48,990 --> 00:23:51,521 - She's taken her to the zoo. - Oh, my God! 294 00:23:52,030 --> 00:23:54,590 - No, it's OK. - We have to go after her! 295 00:23:55,110 --> 00:23:56,899 - No. Come on. - What? 296 00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:59,979 We are alone and it's quiet. 297 00:24:00,510 --> 00:24:01,909 - Our baby! - It's OK. 298 00:24:02,270 --> 00:24:07,010 - Oh, but, John... - It's OK. You don't have to shave your feet. 299 00:24:08,429 --> 00:24:09,939 Don't worry. 300 00:24:17,829 --> 00:24:18,988 Wow! 301 00:24:19,869 --> 00:24:21,029 Good. 302 00:24:21,349 --> 00:24:24,468 (MUFFLED CONVERSATION) 303 00:24:25,069 --> 00:24:27,238 (MUFFLED) Oh, Jean Paul! 304 00:24:29,428 --> 00:24:30,829 Bonjour! 305 00:24:32,628 --> 00:24:34,878 Allez-vous en ! Je te fais foutre. 306 00:24:37,748 --> 00:24:40,937 - One of these is your baby? - Yeah, yeah, one of 'em. 307 00:24:41,548 --> 00:24:46,467 - They all look the same to me! - Yes, that little mixed-race one. That's her. 308 00:24:47,308 --> 00:24:50,858 - I see no resemblance. - Well, I'm not wearing a nappy! 309 00:24:52,987 --> 00:24:57,868 - She looks nice in the clothes. - Yeah. Seen my earrings? I love your earrings. 310 00:24:58,707 --> 00:25:02,987 Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, not now. Jean Paul, what's going on here? What's the vibe? 311 00:25:03,747 --> 00:25:06,656 - Oh, by the way, Jeremy sends his love. - I adore him. 312 00:25:07,226 --> 00:25:12,287 He adores you, I adore him, he adores me and I adore you. It's a circle of love. 313 00:25:14,906 --> 00:25:18,666 I've got the earrings, but I'm completely bare-chested! 314 00:25:19,347 --> 00:25:21,807 - I need something dangling here! - Eddie! 315 00:25:23,267 --> 00:25:25,436 I'm sorry, John, I can't relax. 316 00:25:26,705 --> 00:25:29,756 - It's OK, it'll be all right. - No, she can't be trusted. 317 00:25:30,346 --> 00:25:33,536 I think you're wrong. She's vey safety-conscious, responsible. 318 00:25:34,145 --> 00:25:36,356 It was HER that gave us the condoms. 319 00:25:39,425 --> 00:25:41,885 All right, darling, we're coming home now. 320 00:25:42,385 --> 00:25:45,685 Didn't you get my note? We'll come home now, darling. 321 00:25:46,306 --> 00:25:50,516 let's forget about education, sweetheart, and dio-bio-versity and everything like that! 322 00:25:51,265 --> 00:25:56,674 We'll live in the domain of ignorance and watch teletubby videos if that's what you want (!) 323 00:25:57,585 --> 00:26:02,365 See you in a minute. No, I am not drunk! How can I be? I'm at the bloody zoo! 324 00:26:07,224 --> 00:26:09,325 - How long should it take? - I don't know. 325 00:26:09,785 --> 00:26:12,315 - How long have they been? - I have no idea. 326 00:26:12,824 --> 00:26:16,893 I don't believe they've been to the zoo! Smell everything when they come in! 327 00:26:20,744 --> 00:26:24,534 - Darling, she's asleep. - Everything's OK. let's go back upstairs. 328 00:26:25,223 --> 00:26:26,524 Stop it! 329 00:26:26,864 --> 00:26:30,344 Darling... Pats, show her the lovely education stuff we got at the zoo. 330 00:26:30,983 --> 00:26:33,473 - I wasn't at the zoo. - (LAUGHS) Pats! 331 00:26:33,983 --> 00:26:37,074 - Mum, I trusted you. - That trust was well placed. 332 00:26:37,662 --> 00:26:41,843 look, she's alive and well and happy and loved, darling. 333 00:26:43,023 --> 00:26:44,533 In fact, darling, 334 00:26:44,902 --> 00:26:49,363 I think, because you trusted me, sweetheart, for once in my life I've done something right. 335 00:26:50,622 --> 00:26:52,202 That's funny, isn't it? 336 00:26:52,583 --> 00:26:57,083 I was looking at this little baby's face in the car on the way home, darling. 337 00:26:57,862 --> 00:27:03,022 I could see a little bit of both of us in her. I could... Not YOU! I couldn't see you! 338 00:27:03,901 --> 00:27:07,342 She has a bit of both of us, darling. We've bonded a bit. 339 00:27:07,981 --> 00:27:12,191 I think, because I've bonded with her I've bonded with you, as well, darling'. 340 00:27:12,941 --> 00:27:17,151 Thank you for that gift. Thank you, darling. Group hug, sweetheart. Little hug. Awww! 341 00:27:17,901 --> 00:27:19,651 Not you, I said, not you! 342 00:27:21,741 --> 00:27:23,321 Oh, sweetie-pie! 343 00:27:23,700 --> 00:27:28,761 Here, darling. Careful with her head. There we go, darling, that's it. There we go. 344 00:27:29,620 --> 00:27:33,341 (SIGHS) I feel like part of my heart has been ripped out. 345 00:27:38,420 --> 00:27:40,700 This isn't our baby! 346 00:27:42,541 --> 00:27:45,170 ♪ Wheels on fire ♪ 347 00:27:45,699 --> 00:27:50,439 ♪ Rolling down the road ♪ 348 00:27:51,260 --> 00:27:55,189 ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ 349 00:27:55,899 --> 00:28:00,709 ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ 350 00:28:02,300 --> 00:28:06,510 - What have you done to our little jewel? - You sure? 351 00:28:09,618 --> 00:28:16,289 - Hello! - ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪