1
00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:05,719
♪ Wheel's on fire ♪

2
00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:10,759
♪ Rolling down the road ♪

3
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:15,319
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

4
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:20,960
♪ This wheel shall explode. ♪

5
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:25,479
Why don't you have your meeting here today?
Just call your people...

6
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,279
Alarm, alarm, CCTV!

7
00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,196
..And call your people
and have the meeting here.

8
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,119
What color was that color?

9
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,960
Speed, speed, Patsy. Speed today.

10
00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:00,960
Ah, well, look who it is.

11
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:05,600
Miss Lazy, Lazy, Lazy Woman.

12
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,199
And her scrawny friend.

13
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:12,879
Stopping in at the spa because
you think you deserve it.

14
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,679
Just like all the other
women that come in here.

15
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:21,759
Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy women needing
time out from their privileged lives.

16
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:25,479
Spoilt, stupid...

17
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:26,640
and lazy!

18
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,319
What!

19
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,479
Is your little daughter out of prison now?

20
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:33,520
Yes, she is.

21
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,359
Are you working today?

22
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,119
I'm working now, thank you.
I'm always working.

23
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,159
Oh.

24
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,360
Fat woman.

25
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,679
Come in here and you stuff your
rich face with naughty cupcakes

26
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,719
and then cry, "Oh, I
have to go for a detox."

27
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:53,760
Well, there's not enough herbs and
lemon can take the poison out of you.

28
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,519
Look at the yummy mummies come in here.

29
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:03,719
Soft, skinny women come in and have
their sad little bones massaged.

30
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:09,199
So tired, so stressed from having
two children and a big house.

31
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:13,839
And then telling me how poor they are
and how I've made them sane again.

32
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:18,839
"Oh, do you know the Cotswolds?"

33
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,439
I want to kill them. Kill them!

34
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,640
Get me the Harper's and Tatler.

35
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,999
Ooh, hey.

36
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,800
- What?
- You've mellowed.

37
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,316
Yeah, I like these nails.
- Fabulous.

38
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,599
Although I quite like
gels, I might have mixes.

39
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:02,279
I don't know what to have next time.
Are you working, darling, today?

40
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,776
Yeah, I've got my office set up.
- Oh, working

41
00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:07,279
here? - Yeah. A little
Chanel, ha ha ha!

42
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,256
Well, not all day.
I'll see you for lunch.

43
00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:11,239
No, no, I'll see you at lunch.

44
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:12,920
So, January issue.

45
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:18,360
Bulimic.

46
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:21,080
Foetus.

47
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:24,080
I can see a pube.

48
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:32,796
Right, so...

49
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,239
No, don't panic. We
don't have to work yet.

50
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,359
No, the intern's not here yet.

51
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:38,399
Oh, fabulous.

52
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:42,919
Oh, darling, what's happened? A
little bit of a Princess Margaret?

53
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,639
No, well...

54
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:47,840
Oh, go on, tell her. It's hysterical!

55
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,016
It's not hysterical. In
fact, it's very painful.

56
00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:55,079
No, really, it's very funny.

57
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,559
Look, just tell me what happened.

58
00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,000
Well, I... had a fish pedicure.

59
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:05,759
Which is not what it sounds
because fish don't have feet.

60
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,519
No, it's where they nibble off all
the hard bits and one nibbled

61
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,279
on a soft bit and once one had drawn
blood it was a feeding frenzy.

62
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,119
Where is that bloody intern? I
want to finish this before lunch.

63
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,159
I thought we might run something
on the credit crunch.

64
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,519
The what?

65
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,359
The credit crunch.

66
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,599
The what?

67
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,679
The credit crunch.

68
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,319
- The what?
- The recession.

69
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,599
Oh, don't be an idiot. Our super-rich
readers are untouched by the recession.

70
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:38,719
This magazine is the Argos
catalogue for the fabulous,

71
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,559
diamond-studded whores of the oligarchs.

72
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,999
Darling, they know nothing
of the breadline.

73
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,960
They don't do carbs, they do caviar.

74
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:51,919
Sorry.

75
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:54,159
- I've been waiting.
- Sorry.

76
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,239
So, did you meet the advertisers?

77
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,656
Um, yeah.

78
00:04:57,660 --> 00:04:59,079
And did you check out
this month's productions?

79
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,119
Yeah.

80
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,999
Did you talk through the layouts? - Oh,
yeah. - Did you do all the returns? - Yes.

81
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,439
And, oh, I had lunch with Karl Lagerfeld.

82
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,040
Why?

83
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,439
He's this month's main feature.

84
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:15,079
- Oh.
- I love Karl.
- Adore.

85
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:18,039
But what's happening with his ponytail?

86
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:19,079
Oh, he's thinning.

87
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:23,800
He's bald! Darling, he's got a
comb-over from a nose hair.

88
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,559
Genius!

89
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,399
- I need more fags.
- Wha... But...

90
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,759
Don't "but" me, you
little snotrag, just go.

91
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:46,639
Why am I doing this?

92
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,759
It's work experience.

93
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,639
Right, here we go, here we go...

94
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:55,479
Oh, ah, ooh, ah, ah, ooh, darling?
I need this table.

95
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,719
Mum, I'm having a meeting
about the charity.

96
00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:03,199
- Oh, God, is this a new one?
- Who? - That.

97
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,116
Just don't speak to me, please, Mum.
Leave me

98
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,039
alone and get on with your
own useless existence.

99
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,600
Oh...

100
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:16,359
Right, agenda. Now, we need to talk
about the Keecha Project and Wellgild

101
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:20,639
and I need a field report on
fundraising activities. How was it?

102
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:24,359
- Really hard.
- Oh, sorry.

103
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:25,519
For heaven's sake.

104
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,199
All right, I've got ideas.
Take down my ideas.

105
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:31,519
Here we go, here we go, here we
go. Brainstorm. - Stop it! - What?

106
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,959
- She's writing on it.
- On the pad.

107
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,959
- No.
- That's ridiculous.

108
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,559
Why are you doing that?

109
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,240
It's a pad!

110
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,679
She's an idiot. She knows nothing.

111
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:50,839
No, I know too much. That's why I'm here.

112
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:51,879
Yeah, all right.

113
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,479
- Shall I do it?
- No, you just do what you're paid to do.

114
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,279
- I don't get paid.
- All right, do what you're not paid to do.

115
00:06:57,280 --> 00:07:01,400
Do the mid-morning lunch run. Go on,
two sushis and a bacon sandwich now!

116
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,919
Have you got a report?

117
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,759
Day one, welcome songs and speech.

118
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:13,559
Day two, drive into Kasumu City buying
materials for the chicken coop.

119
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:20,319
Day three, thought I had malaria
but it was just sunstroke.

120
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,119
God, stop it. Will you stop it?

121
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:28,639
All right, just... stop it
now, just send it to me.

122
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,559
I should've gone. I know Africa.
I'm married to an African.

123
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:32,959
I have a child in Africa.

124
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,119
- Yeah, child in Africa, mm-mmm.
- Just go.

125
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:41,319
But what about the fundraising, the
bring-and-buy, the car washathon?

126
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,440
Just go, please.

127
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:47,399
The car washathon?

128
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,440
Shut up.

129
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,840
A car washathon, darling?

130
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,519
How much is that going to raise?
Sixpence, is it, sweetheart?

131
00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:00,119
Actually, I could get you people who
could fill your coffers, darling.

132
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:03,639
I could get you Liz Hurley. Get Liz
Hurley. - Elizabeth Hurley? - Yes.

133
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,599
Eeh, come on, old girl.

134
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:15,559
Someone muck her out whilst I
take her down the red carpet.

135
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:20,920
Clip, clop, clip, clop. It's
only another charity do, Lizzy.

136
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,636
Take her out, take her out.
Take her upstairs.

137
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,319
Come on, let me put
you out to grass.

138
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,936
Can you manage these stairs
with your Gucci hooves?

139
00:08:31,940 --> 00:08:34,559
Oh, just...

140
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:38,680
Clippety clop, clippety clop.
Neigh, neigh, neigh.

141
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,200
Darling.

142
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,359
Shall I rub your marma points,
marma points, marma points?

143
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,479
It's a Kabbalistic tool.

144
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,439
All right, Mum, I was just... I
was just thinking about Jane.

145
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,879
Oh, Lola, darling? Is she going to
come back from Africa soon, darling?

146
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,919
Why would I want Jane to have
anything to do with you?

147
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,160
A sad, fat woman who contributes
nothing to this world?

148
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,239
- I work, darling, I work.
- No, no, you don't.

149
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,439
You have spent all morning
having your nails done.

150
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,559
You live off other people. You
invent a purpose for yourself.

151
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,399
That is not a real job.

152
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,760
You only have two clients
and they both hate you.

153
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,759
You're a sad, useless failure
that nobody wants to know.

154
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,800
Now why would Jane want to know you?

155
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:31,080
You were a terrible mother and
you're an even worse grandmother.

156
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,040
With very good nails.

157
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:46,439
Oh, cheer up, Eddy. Don't let
the little tick get to you.

158
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:50,520
Darling, from the mouths of little ticks
sometimes come little tick truths.

159
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,039
Are you eating?

160
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,479
No, I got it for you.

161
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,479
Darling, I'm trying not to eat.
I don't want two lunches.

162
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,719
But I like doing things for you, Eddy.

163
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,759
- Just chew and spit. Don't waste it.
- All right, I won't waste it.

164
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,439
I'm sorry, madam, you can't smoke in here.

165
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:09,679
Mais avez-vous aucune
idee qui suis-je? Mmm?

166
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,959
- Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy?
- Yes, Pats, Pats?

167
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,920
Eddy, do you know who that is?

168
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,279
- No.
- Christ, it's Jeanne Durand.

169
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:20,479
- Jeanne Durand?
- Yeah, it's THE Jeanne Durand.

170
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,199
THE Durand.

171
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,120
I go for a cigarette, you make a decision.

172
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,119
- Imagine who she's worked with.
- Yeah.

173
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,399
Truffaut, Chabrol, Polanski.

174
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,599
Names, names, names.

175
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,799
French names, French names, French names.

176
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,359
Jeanne Durand. Saffy likes Jeanne Durand.

177
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,919
She's got her poster in her room. - Well,
I like Jeanne Durand. - Yeah, you do.

178
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,919
The look that speaks volumes and
the mouth that says nothing.

179
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,919
- Yeah. She looks good, doesn't she?
- Yeah. Well, she's French.

180
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,599
Yeah, I know, darling,
but you know, Bardot?

181
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,920
Well, if you can't save the
face, save the animals.

182
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,719
Whose idea was this?

183
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,279
Come on. Let's get out of
here before she comes back.

184
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,799
Jeanne Durand.

185
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,479
Darling, imagine how proud Saffy
would be, and Lola, darling,

186
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,936
if I knew Jeanne Durand.
"Come over for lunch

187
00:11:10,940 --> 00:11:13,399
because Jeanne Durand's
going to be there."

188
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,719
"Come over for dinner, meet Jeanne Durand."

189
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,759
I would be the person
who had Jeanne Durand.

190
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,519
Darling, I could represent her. - Whoa,
steady, darling, steady. - What, what?

191
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,160
- Well, the woman's not... - What?
- She's not an idiot.

192
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,520
So, what is the decision?

193
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,799
I'm not happy, I can tell you.

194
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,439
Oh, dear.

195
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,839
Can we make you happy?

196
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:38,519
You see, why can't you understand?

197
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,799
I don't want to be heavy,
I want to be light.

198
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:45,439
- I've always been a comic actress.
- Yeah, yeah. - I'm laughing now.

199
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,519
But really, I want to sing.

200
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,199
I only have ever wanted to sing.

201
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,799
Of course, of course.
Like Marlene, like Piaf.

202
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,119
Le Petit Filou.

203
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,159
Oui, absolument.

204
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,759
A singer, singing, yes...

205
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,519
Darling, darling, darling,
can she sing, can she sing?

206
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,656
Of course she can sing. She was one
of the Singing Umbrellas Of Cherbourg.

207
00:12:05,660 --> 00:12:07,799
Perfect.

208
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:11,479
Yes, of course, Miss Durand. I
mean, what would you like to sing?

209
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,399
Gainsbourg, Piaf, Brel. Light, light.

210
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:16,919
Go for it, Eddy.

211
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:22,520
Yes, well, I'd be very proud to
represent you in a tour of singing.

212
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,039
La Durand, Carnegie Hall.

213
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,319
Yes, perfect.

214
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,319
J-j-je suis très...
happy, happy, happy...

215
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,359
- Heureuse.
- Heureuse! And... grateful, grateful...

216
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:36,439
Gras.

217
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,439
Je suis très heureuse et très, très gras.

218
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,239
Oui.

219
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,880
Oi, garcon. Champagne.

220
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,559
What have you got on here at the moment?

221
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,879
The Proms.

222
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,679
Oh, yes, I love the Proms.

223
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:56,256
So do I. It's been so
popular that we've actually

224
00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:59,839
had to stop people clapping
between movements.

225
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:03,879
At the Proms? Anyway, I
want it for Jeanne Durand.

226
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,359
Yeah, Jeanne Durand. THE Jeanne Durand.

227
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,079
An Evening With. Singing.

228
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,959
I'm just going out here. Can you say
something? I'll see if I can hear you.

229
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,559
- Oh, all right, darling.
- I absolutely adore Durand.

230
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,719
- This couldn't be a more perfect venue.
- Well, we'll see, frankly.

231
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:18,959
Can you hear me, Eds?

232
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,399
Yes, I can hear you, darling.
Can you hear me?

233
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,559
Yeah. Sing something.

234
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,719
She will be using microphones, presumably?

235
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,879
- Yeah, have you got mics?
- Yes. - Good.

236
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,359
Sing, Eds.

237
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,319
What should I sing, what to sing,
what to sing, what to sing...?

238
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,799
♪ Walking down the road ♪

239
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,159
♪ Walking down the road ♪

240
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,879
♪ Walking down the road ♪

241
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:47,559
♪ Looking at the trees ♪

242
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,479
♪ People passing by ♪

243
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:56,839
♪ They say, "How do you look
so great for your age today?" ♪

244
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,879
♪ I dunno, I dunno... ♪

245
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,440
Hello? Hello?

246
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,119
What?

247
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:08,359
So, when did you want to book the hall?
I have dates in 2015.

248
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,279
2015?! No, soon.

249
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,556
Don't give me 2015 or
I'll have you clapping

250
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,839
between movements for
the rest of your life.

251
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,319
We only have one night
in the next four years

252
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:23,039
and that's this Sunday night. Someone died.

253
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,359
Good.

254
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,520
Book us in. Durand Sings.

255
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,759
I've just been on the phone to the
Albert Hall, darling. It's all booked.

256
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,876
I've struck a pretty good deal
- 70/40 split. What do you think?

257
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,999
Oh, well done, Eddy.

258
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,759
Did you check on her this morning?

259
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:42,479
- Yes, darling, she's alive, she's alive.
- Is she staying here?

260
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,719
- Yes. She's upstairs. - Who is, dear?
- Jeanne Durand.

261
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,599
Oh, I'm a huge fan.

262
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,239
- Which one is here, dear?
- What?

263
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,599
- Well, is it Simon Le Bon?
- No.

264
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,596
Or is it the pretty one
who still puts his face on?

265
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,599
No, no.

266
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,159
Not Duran Duran, Jeanne Durand!

267
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,479
Lots of... "Oui! La belle de nuit!"

268
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,879
She was Julia's Knee.

269
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,199
- She was Julia's Knee.
- Jeanne Durand?

270
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,960
Oh, not her, Eddy! Can't we
keep this just to ourselves?

271
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,759
Yeah, darling, Jeanne Durand.

272
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,399
She's upstairs.

273
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,119
I represent her now, darling.

274
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,959
We're working up a little
set for the Albert Hall.

275
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,200
"Durand Sings."

276
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,120
That's shut you up, hasn't it? Hmm?

277
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,959
Shut you up, hasn't it?

278
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,039
Bubble, have you called all the people?

279
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,136
I want it in all the
national papers, all the

280
00:15:31,140 --> 00:15:33,239
gay press. We'll have
a listening party -

281
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,759
a private soirée for the
critics round at my house.

282
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,759
Worldwide coverage, television interviews.
Stop press!

283
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,520
Or shall I just Twitter?

284
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,279
Yeah, that should do it.

285
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,159
- Oh, dear.
- Darling, darling, darling.

286
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:48,399
She's here, she's here, she's here.
Jeanne Durand, Jeanne Durand.

287
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,319
Miss Durand.

288
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,399
Here, Miss Durand, Miss
Durand, Miss Durand.

289
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,720
Miss Durand, Miss Durand.

290
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,839
Saffy, this is Jeanne Durand. Saffy.

291
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,119
This is my daughter, Saffron.
Jeanne Durand.

292
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,719
Madame, vous êtes magnifique

293
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:13,959
et j'ai tous vos films sur une
etagere speciale dans ma chambre.

294
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,039
Go away, go away.

295
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,360
This is... this is my
mother who's just leaving.

296
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,680
- Of course, it's Nick Rhodes!
- It's not Nick Rhodes.

297
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:27,896
He'll be wearing that eye
shadow till the day he dies.

298
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,559
Stop it.

299
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:30,879
Go, go, go.

300
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,456
Patsy, get her something,
get her something.

301
00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:34,039
French breakfast.

302
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,360
- Yes. - Nicotine macchiato.
- There we go.

303
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,999
- So, dites-moi...
- Yes, dites-moi.

304
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,999
When do we work? I like to work.
How long do we have?

305
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,639
- Just under a week.
- Nearly a week.

306
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,359
- Good, good, so we must work hard.
- We must work hard.

307
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,359
- Work, work, work.
- Work, work, work.

308
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:51,759
I love to work.

309
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,999
I love to work. Yes, we must work.

310
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:57,079
- Who's that? - Pianist's here.
- Work, work. Oh, pianist is here!

311
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,719
We could work now. Let's work.

312
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,440
Later, later.

313
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,799
- I'm not a machine.
- OK. She's not a machine.

314
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,999
She's not a machine. Anyway, je
suis très, très gras, très gras.

315
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,896
No, Mum, don't speak French!

316
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:12,799
She is French! That's
why I'm speaking French.

317
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,920
Yes, but you're telling her you're a fatty.

318
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,159
Even in French, the truth will out.

319
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,160
Oh, thank you very much!

320
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:33,560
Ah, one of my favourites.

321
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,920
"La Vie En Rose".

322
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,000
No, no. I will try again. I think
it was the wrong key for me.

323
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,199
Get out of here. What are you doing?
Jeanne is singing.

324
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,999
- I can't hear anything.
- Well, she's... she's warming up, darling.

325
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,879
Get out. Get out, get out, get out.

326
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,120
Wonderful lyrics.

327
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,000
Uh-oh!

328
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,560
Pats, you said she could sing.

329
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,559
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

330
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,479
What now?

331
00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:00,079
Well, go on, tell her, tell her.
She'll take it from you.

332
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,439
- Jeanne, this is Baby Bunton.
- Emma.

333
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,399
This is Emma Bunton.

334
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,119
- Jeanne... I can't hear you.
- Can't hear you.

335
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,759
That's because I've stopped singing.

336
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:18,039
No... - No, when you were singing,
we couldn't hear. - Couldn't hear you.

337
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,479
Well, you know why.

338
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,599
You are young.

339
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:25,719
You spend your life like all the
young people with the headphones.

340
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,639
Whaa, whaa, whaa, whaa, whaa!

341
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:32,679
Loud music, everyone walking down the
streets starring in their own movie.

342
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,279
- Oh, God.
- Nobody listens.

343
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,359
Are you a singer?

344
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:39,800
Yes, she's a sort of singer,
aren't you, sweetheart?

345
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,239
I am a singer!

346
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,999
She is a singer. Well, sing
her one of your songs. Go on.

347
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,080
♪ Promise I made, Promise I made... ♪

348
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,959
That... that is Girls Aloud.

349
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,679
Well, sing her one of your Spicies.

350
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,479
♪ Mama, I... ♪

351
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,879
Oh, no, no. You're shouting at me!
That's not singing.

352
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,279
Oh, for God's sake. Oh,
thank God, it's Lulu!

353
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,359
Thank God for Lulu.

354
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,759
Thank God!

355
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:13,599
- Oh, God.
- You said you had a job for me, right?

356
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:17,279
Yeah, darling, this is the job.
We've got to get her to sing.

357
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,479
Yeah, but what do I make out of this?

358
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,880
Darling, you get champagne.
Champagne for Lulu. Get champagne.

359
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,599
Cupcakes for Lulu!

360
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:28,719
Money for Lulu.

361
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,319
- Ah!
- Ah.

362
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:34,159
- OK.
- Come on, come on, let Lulu through.

363
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,879
She needs volume.

364
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,119
- Oh, I can do that.
- She can do volume.

365
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,879
Now, let me see. You have to project.

366
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,816
You have to push your
voice right into the mic.

367
00:20:42,820 --> 00:20:44,759
I've tried that.

368
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:46,519
Will you let me take care of this?

369
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,719
I am a little bit more experienced
and just a little bit older.

370
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,120
Uh, a lot older!

371
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,159
So, darling, darling, darling, darling,

372
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,796
Lulu, Lulu... I've
just got to get her to

373
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,439
hold the mic closer to
her mouth, all right?

374
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,839
Call yourself professionals, you two!
Come on! Come on.

375
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,399
Can you not smoke? I
don't want to die young.

376
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,519
- Why not die young? Life is so overrated.
- Oh.

377
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,919
Do you see what I'm working with?
Lulu, Lulu,

378
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:17,519
I've booked the Albert Hall for her! Yes!

379
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,959
Jeanne, Lulu is a singer.

380
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,919
- Yes.
- Shall I sing?

381
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,199
Yeah go on. - All right. Listen.

382
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,479
Oh, actually, no, no, no, don't, don't.

383
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,600
No, don't, no, don't.

384
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,199
- I tried that as well.
- Yeah, we tried that, we tried that.

385
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,759
- OK. - Just... Go on.
- Look, look, look, Jeanne,

386
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,119
they want to hear you,

387
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:39,736
you know? So you've got
to give yourself to them.

388
00:21:39,740 --> 00:21:41,359
No, no, no.

389
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:44,399
- When I sing, they come to me.
- Oh, God.

390
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,920
They'd have to be sitting on your
dentures to hear you, that's for sure.

391
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,079
Look, you've got to sing up.

392
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,799
You just grab the mic, you sing
right into the mic, make a noise.

393
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:59,919
- A noise. - Sing, woman! - Sing... voice.
- Use your voice and sing!

394
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,316
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are killing my muse.

395
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,719
Oh.

396
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,719
- What do you think I am, an entertainer?
- Oh, for God's sake.

397
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:10,119
Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne,
Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne...

398
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,199
What?

399
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,919
You know what. She can't sing, can she?

400
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,439
Darling, this is work
in progress, all right?

401
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,320
- I think she's deaf.
- Well, I think you're deaf!

402
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,480
- And I think she's an idiot.
- Well, I think you're an idiot!

403
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,039
Mum, what are you going to do?
You can't let her do this.

404
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:34,279
Darling, I'm doing this for you, aren't I?
After all you said.

405
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,599
I'm doing this to make Lola proud.
You love Jeanne Durand

406
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,479
and if I've got Jeanne Durand,
I can't be a failure, can I?

407
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,479
Granny must be doing something right.

408
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:43,639
Mum, stop it now.

409
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,319
No. Where did she go?

410
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,400
- She's in the cupboard.
- Oh, God.

411
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,520
Jeanne, it's a cupboard!

412
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,719
Oh, dear.

413
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:01,639
Shut up! Anyway, darling, she'll be all
right tomorrow. I've put her to bed now.

414
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,679
No, she won't.

415
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,919
Well, then I'll change
the name of the show.

416
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,000
Oh, to what?

417
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,719
Jeanne Durand Talking Songs.

418
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,279
You'll be a laughing stock.

419
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:14,756
No, I've got till tomorrow
evening, sweetheart.

420
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,239
Afternoon.

421
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:18,239
- Evening.
- Afternoon.

422
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,319
You've got the listening party

423
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,759
with all the big critics
tomorrow here in the afternoon.

424
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,999
- Oh, shit. - Eddy, darling...
- What?

425
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,776
I'm your best friend and
I've never let you down...

426
00:23:27,780 --> 00:23:29,559
No, never.

427
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:31,436
..And I've never asked you to do this
before. But, no, Eddy, don't do it.

428
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,320
Oh!

429
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,359
Cheers, cheers.

430
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,679
It's amazing that nobody
has had this idea before.

431
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,999
- "Durand Sings."
- Durand Sings, yes.

432
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:02,039
Because of course we all remember her as
one of the Singing Umbrellas Of Cherbourg.

433
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,959
Oh, Cherbourg. Yes, yes.

434
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,879
So, Mark, do you like Jeanne Durand?

435
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,680
Yeah, I think I first fell
in love with her bouche.

436
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:17,199
- You've seen her bouche?
- Of course.

437
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,440
I thought you were a happily married man.

438
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:40,119
Ladies and gentlemen,
Edina Monsoon presents...

439
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:43,399
Miss Jeanne Durand.

440
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,079
Thank you. Thank you.

441
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:59,039
Well, let me just say...

442
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,440
I'm not an actor.

443
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,559
I am.

444
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,719
I'm not a singer.

445
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:07,440
I am song.

446
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:13,760
I don't smoke.

447
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,679
I am a cigarette.

448
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,520
Yeah, all right, all right.
Jeanne, Miss Jeanne Durand.

449
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:25,439
I'm not a photograph... - Oh, for God's
sake. - ..I'm a painting by Matisse.

450
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,200
Just start, just start.

451
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:35,399
♪ Ne me quitte pas ♪

452
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,079
♪ Il faut oublier ♪

453
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,999
♪ Tout peut s'oublier ♪

454
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,319
♪ Qui s'enfuit déjà ♪

455
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,399
♪ Oublier le temps ♪

456
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,559
♪ Des malentendus ♪

457
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,639
♪ Et le temps perdu ♪

458
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,479
♪ A savoir comment ♪

459
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,399
♪ Oublier ces heures ♪

460
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,919
♪ Qui tuaient parfois ♪

461
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,839
♪ A coups de pourquois ♪

462
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,520
♪ Le coeur du bonheur

463
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:06,999
♪ Ne me quitte pas ♪

464
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,159
♪ Ne me quitte pas ♪

465
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,639
♪ Ne me quitte pas

466
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:16,039
♪ Ne me quitte pas. ♪

467
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:21,760
Encore!

468
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,359
Fabulous, fabulous.

469
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:29,799
I know.

470
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,799
Next stop, Carnegie Hall.

471
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,719
I'm taking new management.

472
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:44,119
Oh, just take it, just take it.
I don't care.

473
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,399
Oh, don't worry. It's all right,
I'm not proud of myself, darling,

474
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,399
- it's all right.
- It's OK. - What?

475
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,839
I know what you're going
to say, darling! Yeah.

476
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,156
Why would Lola ever want
to know an idiot like

477
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,479
this? But I tried, didn't
I, sweetheart? I tried.

478
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,999
Mum, I'm...

479
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,319
What, what?

480
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,919
Oh, no, no, sweetheart. Ah, la, la, la.
Darling.

481
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,119
I understand. It's fine, it's fine.

482
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:18,279
No, Mum, I'm the one who's not good enough.

483
00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:19,679
- I'm the one.
- What?

484
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,519
I just made it your fault because I...

485
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:25,279
couldn't cope with the guilt about Jane.

486
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:27,919
- I'm a terrible mother.
- Oh...

487
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:31,959
- I'm sorry I made it your fault.
- Oh, darling. Come on, sweetheart.

488
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:36,199
This is all a bit psychological,
isn't it, sweetheart, eh?

489
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,639
Come on, everything is my fault, darling.

490
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,239
Everything is my fault, isn't it?
No damage done.

491
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:45,120
Well, there's a French woman about to
give a mute concert at the Carnegie Hall.

492
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:47,719
That's all right.

493
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:49,999
New York gays are very forgiving.

494
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,359
They are, they are.

495
00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:54,319
Oh, darling.

496
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,239
Oh, sweetheart.

497
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,039
Oh, hugs, hugs, hugs.

498
00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,400
Oh, darling.

499
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:05,079
Awww!

500
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:08,359
- Come on, Eddy, we're going to Mahiki's.
- Oh, great.

501
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:12,440
- Is it a club?
- Yes, it...

502
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:21,079
Do you want to come?

503
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:22,680
- No.
- No.
- No.

504
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,439
♪ Wheel's on fire ♪

505
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:34,679
♪ Rolling down the road ♪

506
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:38,959
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪

507
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:45,320
♪ This wheel shall explode... ♪