1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:21,976 2 00:00:36,083 --> 00:00:37,963 Hello. 3 00:00:39,283 --> 00:00:40,803 Hello, hello. Are you open? 4 00:00:48,003 --> 00:00:50,163 I've got an appointment. 5 00:01:01,803 --> 00:01:04,963 Stella! 6 00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:13,242 Oh, God! Any luck? 7 00:01:13,243 --> 00:01:16,362 I think she just must have really weird opening times or something 8 00:01:16,363 --> 00:01:18,122 in her shop, you know. 9 00:01:18,123 --> 00:01:20,243 Oh, yes, that'll be it. 10 00:01:21,843 --> 00:01:25,882 I mean, there's designers would kill to have me wearing their clothes. 11 00:01:25,883 --> 00:01:27,962 I mean, I have put on a couple of pounds 12 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:30,682 but there's fatter women than me out there wearing Stella. 13 00:01:30,683 --> 00:01:32,522 Of course there are. 14 00:01:32,523 --> 00:01:35,282 Stop it! Stop it! 15 00:01:35,283 --> 00:01:38,002 There must be someone still thinks I'm happening. 16 00:01:38,003 --> 00:01:41,282 There is that one that's always on the phone. 17 00:01:41,283 --> 00:01:42,523 What? Begging, begging. 18 00:01:42,524 --> 00:01:45,482 "Oh, please, please." 19 00:01:45,483 --> 00:01:47,962 Who? Why don't you ever tell me these things? 20 00:01:47,963 --> 00:01:50,482 You know, little drunken pirate. 21 00:01:50,483 --> 00:01:56,042 "All ugly people go to hell. Go to hell and die." 22 00:01:56,043 --> 00:01:57,602 John Galliano? 23 00:01:57,603 --> 00:01:59,082 Yes. 24 00:01:59,083 --> 00:02:01,242 Darling, that would be fashion death. 25 00:02:01,243 --> 00:02:04,682 I don't think even Schindler could rescue me from that faux pas. 26 00:02:04,683 --> 00:02:07,282 No, darling, go and make more phone calls, more phone calls. 27 00:02:07,283 --> 00:02:08,923 Call Stella's people again. 28 00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:19,802 Oh, God. Laundry in basement. 29 00:02:19,803 --> 00:02:23,162 There's some old pants under my bed that need moving. 30 00:02:23,163 --> 00:02:25,003 Mum! 31 00:02:27,803 --> 00:02:29,563 I thought you were still in Africa. 32 00:02:29,564 --> 00:02:31,242 I just got back. 33 00:02:31,243 --> 00:02:35,403 Oh, sweetheart. Look at you. Ooh! 34 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:40,963 You and... Darling, sweetheart... 35 00:02:42,003 --> 00:02:44,762 Darling, it's just you. 36 00:02:44,763 --> 00:02:46,601 Where's my little granddaughter, Lola? 37 00:02:46,602 --> 00:02:48,523 Where is she, darling? Where is she? 38 00:02:48,524 --> 00:02:52,843 Mum, Jane is seven now. She's not going to be inside a biscuit. 39 00:02:54,523 --> 00:02:55,843 Well, darling, where is she? 40 00:02:55,844 --> 00:02:57,482 She lives in Africa. 41 00:02:57,483 --> 00:03:00,442 Oh, lives in Africa! How am I supposed to see her, darling? 42 00:03:00,443 --> 00:03:02,122 Take out a court order? 43 00:03:02,123 --> 00:03:04,323 You could just get on a plane. I'm not stopping you. 44 00:03:04,324 --> 00:03:06,083 I think you are. 45 00:03:08,843 --> 00:03:10,563 So, I'm just stuck with you am I, now? 46 00:03:10,564 --> 00:03:12,402 For six months of the year, yes. 47 00:03:12,403 --> 00:03:13,722 Oh, God! 48 00:03:13,723 --> 00:03:18,282 After all the time I've kept you alive, darling, with food, with money. 49 00:03:18,283 --> 00:03:20,082 This is the thanks I get, is it? 50 00:03:20,083 --> 00:03:21,483 Yes. 51 00:03:22,483 --> 00:03:23,723 All right. 52 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,682 Mum, this place is a mess. 53 00:03:26,683 --> 00:03:30,643 Yeah, but it's all biodegrading, darling, isn't it? 54 00:03:31,643 --> 00:03:32,723 It's eco, sweetheart. 55 00:03:32,724 --> 00:03:35,842 You let it go down to nothing and then use it as shampoo or something. 56 00:03:35,843 --> 00:03:37,843 I read that. I read that. 57 00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:41,682 Well, it's disgusting. Have you been eating in? 58 00:03:41,683 --> 00:03:45,643 No, darling. There wasn't any food in and yet somehow today man comes with food. 59 00:03:48,243 --> 00:03:51,162 I did a Waitrose order before I left Nigeria. 60 00:03:51,163 --> 00:03:54,482 Oh. It's good being global, innit, darling. 61 00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:56,802 It has its uses, global. 62 00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:58,162 Is this all your filth? 63 00:03:58,163 --> 00:04:00,922 No, Patsy's living... 64 00:04:00,923 --> 00:04:02,202 Oh! 65 00:04:02,203 --> 00:04:04,282 Yeah, oh! Oh, I'm sorry I've got a friend. 66 00:04:04,283 --> 00:04:07,442 I'm sorry I'm not a little hermit crab living in a small shell under the sea. 67 00:04:07,443 --> 00:04:09,482 I'm sorry. 68 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:12,802 What's all this Mother Africa? 69 00:04:12,803 --> 00:04:15,682 What's all that? Hey? 70 00:04:15,683 --> 00:04:19,322 Well, Jane and John and... Lola. 71 00:04:19,323 --> 00:04:21,802 And the other wives... 72 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,722 Sss, wivesss, is it? 73 00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:27,402 Gave me a big send-off. 74 00:04:27,403 --> 00:04:28,923 I bet they did. 75 00:04:32,683 --> 00:04:34,282 And this is traditional costume. 76 00:04:34,283 --> 00:04:35,482 Oh, right. 77 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:41,762 So John me old Mufasa and his ten wives gave you a bit of an hakuna matata, did they, darling? 78 00:04:41,763 --> 00:04:44,602 He only has nine wives, Mum. 79 00:04:44,603 --> 00:04:48,602 Oh, what did he do, melt one down for glue, trade it in for a goat? 80 00:04:48,603 --> 00:04:50,442 You are so ignorant. 81 00:04:50,443 --> 00:04:52,242 Yeah, and proud of it. 82 00:04:52,243 --> 00:04:55,002 Anyway, they've succeeded where I've failed all these years. 83 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:57,963 Look at you! Colour, colour! 84 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,643 Where are you going? I'm going to change. 85 00:05:01,644 --> 00:05:05,082 No, darling, no, darling. Stay here. I want to take a picture of you in colour. 86 00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:08,043 I love it, I love it, I love it. Hang on. I'll get my camera. 87 00:05:09,243 --> 00:05:10,722 Eddy? 88 00:05:10,723 --> 00:05:12,283 Ed. Ed, darling. 89 00:05:13,603 --> 00:05:15,923 Did you get my Tena Lady pants, darling? 90 00:05:17,043 --> 00:05:20,442 Because it's just that I find I'm, you know, I'm needing them 91 00:05:20,443 --> 00:05:22,322 more and more nowadays, darling. 92 00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:25,322 I'm not completely secure when I sneeze, you know what I mean? 93 00:05:25,323 --> 00:05:26,723 Ahhhh! 94 00:05:29,443 --> 00:05:30,922 Incontinence pants? 95 00:05:30,923 --> 00:05:33,882 Oh! I will kill you. No, don't kill her! 96 00:05:33,883 --> 00:05:36,722 Don't kill her. Don't' kill her until I've taken a picture. 97 00:05:36,723 --> 00:05:42,482 Here we go. Ah, in colour, yes, for my Facebook. Here we go. Ha ha! 98 00:05:42,483 --> 00:05:44,323 Any way, what are you two doing here? 99 00:05:44,324 --> 00:05:45,363 We live here. 100 00:05:46,723 --> 00:05:49,682 Yes, but I thought you were getting out of London for the Olympics. 101 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:53,642 No, darling, I rented my house to Michael Douglas. 102 00:05:53,643 --> 00:05:56,402 Michael Douglas, Eddy? Don't you remember Michael Douglas? 103 00:05:56,403 --> 00:05:58,082 Michael Douglas? Michael Douglas? 104 00:05:58,083 --> 00:06:01,082 Yes, Michael Douglas you little budgerigar, Michael Douglas. 105 00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:06,122 What the one that looks like an old tortoise who's married to Catherine Zeta Jones? 106 00:06:06,123 --> 00:06:08,041 Is he going to bring Catherine with him? 107 00:06:08,042 --> 00:06:09,483 She'd rather cramp his style. 108 00:06:11,043 --> 00:06:13,082 Your style, you mean. 109 00:06:13,083 --> 00:06:15,283 No. If Catherine comes, she won't be in London long. 110 00:06:15,284 --> 00:06:17,722 She'll be off to the Mumbles, won't she? 111 00:06:17,723 --> 00:06:21,882 Any way, darling, before he comes, we're going to have a full top-to-tail renovation. 112 00:06:21,883 --> 00:06:24,682 We're going to have the Grand Designs of makeovers. 113 00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:27,522 We're going to be exfoliated, augmented, liposuctioned, 114 00:06:27,523 --> 00:06:28,843 lasered and lifted, darling. 115 00:06:28,844 --> 00:06:32,442 I'll be wearing my buttocks as a head dress by the time he arrives. 116 00:06:32,443 --> 00:06:37,682 And I'm going to have just a little tightening procedure. 117 00:06:37,683 --> 00:06:40,162 Won't he have come to watch the Olympics? 118 00:06:40,163 --> 00:06:42,042 Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, Olympics? 119 00:06:42,043 --> 00:06:46,482 No, darling! He's a player, but a player of a very different kind. 120 00:06:46,483 --> 00:06:49,362 He's be our ticket to all the clubs in London, isn't he, darling? 121 00:06:49,363 --> 00:06:51,083 He is Hollywood royalty, sweetheart. 122 00:06:51,084 --> 00:06:54,282 Well, you better hurry up, because it starts this week. 123 00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:55,482 What? 124 00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,042 The Olympics. 125 00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:58,723 What? 126 00:07:00,683 --> 00:07:03,882 No! Darling, did you know it started this week? 127 00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:07,522 What? The, the, the, the running, the Olympics. 128 00:07:07,523 --> 00:07:08,722 Where? 129 00:07:08,723 --> 00:07:10,922 Oh, my God, how can you have missed it? 130 00:07:10,923 --> 00:07:13,042 Even coming from the airport, it's everywhere. 131 00:07:13,043 --> 00:07:16,963 Darling, it's been everywhere for five bloody years, hasn't it? 132 00:07:18,203 --> 00:07:22,562 Will we, won't we? Will it be built, won't it be built? 133 00:07:22,563 --> 00:07:24,242 Will we win? No, we won't. 134 00:07:24,243 --> 00:07:26,962 Darling, excuse me if I missed it actually started. 135 00:07:26,963 --> 00:07:28,363 It's been like tinnitus! 136 00:07:30,403 --> 00:07:32,243 I am Spartacus. 137 00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:35,443 Oh, God, Eddy - a talking sperm. 138 00:07:37,803 --> 00:07:39,123 He's on his way. 139 00:07:40,163 --> 00:07:42,722 What? What, who, what? Spartacus. 140 00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:46,122 - Spartacus. What's... - Michael Douglas? 141 00:07:46,123 --> 00:07:47,882 He wasn't Spartacus. 142 00:07:47,883 --> 00:07:49,922 No, I am Spartacus. 143 00:07:49,923 --> 00:07:52,922 I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus! Stop it. 144 00:07:52,923 --> 00:07:54,282 He comes. 145 00:07:54,283 --> 00:07:57,482 What, he's on his way from America? 146 00:07:57,483 --> 00:07:59,522 No, from the airport. 147 00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:02,642 No! No, no, no, no! 148 00:08:02,643 --> 00:08:05,082 I was going to be thin. Oh, God! 149 00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:08,922 Quick, get the Hoover, give me lipo, get a knife, slice off the fat. 150 00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:12,722 You can't be here, darling. You can't be here, sweetheart. 151 00:08:12,723 --> 00:08:15,402 Oh, yes, you can if you serve. Be staff, be staff. 152 00:08:15,403 --> 00:08:18,242 Serve, sweetheart, and none of your lip, all right? 153 00:08:18,243 --> 00:08:20,723 Come on, Pats, we've got to get ready. Yes, but Eddy, 154 00:08:20,724 --> 00:08:23,402 I need a little bit of a tidy up. I've got a razor upstairs. 155 00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:26,282 No, darling, I mean a real, you know, sort of clipping, you know. 156 00:08:26,283 --> 00:08:28,842 I need scissors. All right, sweetheart. I've got scissors. 157 00:08:28,843 --> 00:08:30,282 You're disgusting. 158 00:08:30,283 --> 00:08:36,122 Oh, it comes to us all, you know, darling. The swinging saloon doors. 159 00:08:36,123 --> 00:08:38,122 What are you dressed as? 160 00:08:38,123 --> 00:08:42,043 I represent a shattered Olympic dream. 161 00:08:53,523 --> 00:08:56,443 Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous. 162 00:08:58,683 --> 00:09:00,643 Sweetheart, sweetheart, look, darling, 163 00:09:00,644 --> 00:09:03,162 I've got a few sexy bits and pieces. What do you think? 164 00:09:03,163 --> 00:09:05,162 It's for Michael. For Michael. 165 00:09:05,163 --> 00:09:06,682 Is he into that sort of thing? 166 00:09:06,683 --> 00:09:08,762 No, I'd be wearing it, I'd be wearing it. 167 00:09:08,763 --> 00:09:11,402 Oh, no, Eddy, no. No? No, oh. 168 00:09:11,403 --> 00:09:13,763 I'll just leave them about the house, give him a thrill. 169 00:09:15,963 --> 00:09:20,162 Oh, darling. Bloody hell, that's strong, sweetheart, isn't it? 170 00:09:20,163 --> 00:09:23,762 I can't see if I'm making up a pore or a nostril. What's that? 171 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:26,962 Oh, it's a nostril. Eddy, Eddy, darling, darling, darling. 172 00:09:26,963 --> 00:09:28,643 How do I look? How do I look, Eddy? 173 00:09:28,644 --> 00:09:30,762 I can... I think I can see a panty line. 174 00:09:30,763 --> 00:09:32,162 But Eddy. What? 175 00:09:32,163 --> 00:09:34,282 I'm not wearing any pants. Oh! 176 00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,842 Oh, no! No, no! 177 00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:38,962 It's just folds of old skin, it must be. 178 00:09:38,963 --> 00:09:41,762 No, no! Oh, Eddy! 179 00:09:41,763 --> 00:09:44,002 It'll be all right, darling. Darling? Yeah? 180 00:09:44,003 --> 00:09:47,002 Darling, wear my control body. Wear my control body, 181 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:51,562 my elasticated control body. Come on, it's for Michael, it's for Michael. 182 00:09:51,563 --> 00:09:54,722 We're going to be hitting the town, darling, aren't we? 183 00:09:54,723 --> 00:09:56,402 Oh, yeah. 184 00:09:56,403 --> 00:09:59,322 I mean, darling, you know, there's spank DJs out there 185 00:09:59,323 --> 00:10:01,122 I haven't even danced to yet. 186 00:10:01,123 --> 00:10:03,722 Honey Dijon is killing it. I haven't even lived it. 187 00:10:03,723 --> 00:10:05,962 And Narcissister, darling. What's that, darling? 188 00:10:05,963 --> 00:10:08,323 Well, she's a kind of crazy disco performance artist. 189 00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:11,842 She pulls things out of her pussy on a rotating platform singing I'm Every Woman. 190 00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:14,522 He'll love that, won't he? He'll love that. Yeah. 191 00:10:14,523 --> 00:10:17,242 Oh, yeah, there's so much stuff that's happening and going 192 00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:20,162 and fierce and major out there and we're going to be there. 193 00:10:20,163 --> 00:10:22,162 But those clubs won't have us any more. 194 00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:25,362 Well, they will if Michael is with us, won't they, sweetheart? 195 00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:29,802 Eddy, can't we just go to Shoreditch House, sit on a little sofa, 196 00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:33,602 get in a few drinks, smooch a little waiter, see who's there. 197 00:10:33,603 --> 00:10:35,682 Lovely. No, no, no! 198 00:10:35,683 --> 00:10:39,722 I will not let doors close on me yet, darling. I won't. Come on. 199 00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:42,082 We're going to party and show him a good time. 200 00:10:42,083 --> 00:10:44,442 Yeah. Come on, let's get into these. OK, yeah. 201 00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:46,643 Pop your foot in. Pop in. Pop your foot in. Pop in. 202 00:10:46,644 --> 00:10:49,202 Pop your little foot in. Now jump, jump, jump, jump. 203 00:10:49,203 --> 00:10:51,322 You want to jump? You jump! 204 00:10:51,323 --> 00:10:56,442 Well, look at you, dear. Oh, hello, Gran. 205 00:10:56,443 --> 00:10:59,962 Do you like it? Oh, yes! 206 00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:02,163 I once had a table cloth like that. 207 00:11:04,083 --> 00:11:08,042 Is that what all those others are wearing out there in the, er... 208 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:10,083 The, you know, hm-hm, hm-hm... 209 00:11:12,403 --> 00:11:13,962 Harem? 210 00:11:13,963 --> 00:11:17,282 Oh, it's not really a harem, Gran. 211 00:11:17,283 --> 00:11:20,522 I feel very special when I'm with his other wives. 212 00:11:20,523 --> 00:11:22,322 Good. 213 00:11:22,323 --> 00:11:25,002 Erm, how is little Jane? 214 00:11:25,003 --> 00:11:27,802 Oh, she's very nice and she's quite grown up. 215 00:11:27,803 --> 00:11:31,682 She's not so little any more. I've got a picture. 216 00:11:31,683 --> 00:11:35,922 Oh, she's beautiful, dear. 217 00:11:35,923 --> 00:11:37,603 Definitely yours? 218 00:11:39,083 --> 00:11:41,002 Yes. 219 00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:44,842 Anyway, we've decided that I'm going to spend three months here 220 00:11:44,843 --> 00:11:49,842 then three months over there because I've got such a lot of important work with the various charities. 221 00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,642 And I don't want Lola... 222 00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:54,802 Jane to have to keep changing schools. 223 00:11:54,803 --> 00:11:56,242 Oh, no, no. 224 00:11:56,243 --> 00:11:59,842 It, erm... It gets very hot out there, doesn't it, dear? 225 00:11:59,843 --> 00:12:01,842 Yes, it does. Mm. 226 00:12:01,843 --> 00:12:05,842 And the bathroom facilities? 227 00:12:05,843 --> 00:12:08,803 Squat and hope it doesn't hit your shoes? 228 00:12:11,323 --> 00:12:13,803 Yes, it's a bit splattery. 229 00:12:15,163 --> 00:12:19,322 Well, I understand why you've come back, dear. 230 00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:21,802 You and I like our comforts, don't we? Mm. 231 00:12:21,803 --> 00:12:24,682 And Jane is very happy. 232 00:12:24,683 --> 00:12:27,161 Are you going to be watching the Olympics? Oh, yes. 233 00:12:27,162 --> 00:12:28,763 It's one of the reasons I came home. 234 00:12:28,764 --> 00:12:32,042 I want to watch it on the telly here because the coverage will be so much better. 235 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,242 Will you? Oh, yes. 236 00:12:34,243 --> 00:12:37,242 I shall be waving a flag for the BLTs. 237 00:12:37,243 --> 00:12:39,602 You mean Team GB. 238 00:12:39,603 --> 00:12:42,163 Oh, the gays and bisexuals, dear? 239 00:12:43,523 --> 00:12:47,282 I thought they had their own games. 240 00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:51,842 Come on, darling, come on, come on, come on. Step, step, step, step. 241 00:12:51,843 --> 00:12:54,162 This, it's very, sort of, tight. 242 00:12:54,163 --> 00:12:57,962 It's tight cos you're looking fabulous! Now stand, stand, stand. 243 00:12:57,963 --> 00:13:00,362 Stand, go on. Waaay! Oh! 244 00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:03,202 Come on, sweetheart. It'll be all right. Come on, darling. 245 00:13:03,203 --> 00:13:07,762 Where's Bubble? Darling, go and get Saffy to bring up a tray of drinks for Michael Douglas. 246 00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:09,082 What does he drink? 247 00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:13,922 He's an alcoholic, isn't he? I mean... So? Everything! Everything! 248 00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:16,203 Come on. Come, come, come, come. 249 00:13:18,163 --> 00:13:20,282 Are you going to sit here, sweetheart. Just... 250 00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:23,362 Visible panty line? No, darling, nothing, nothing. You're a tube. 251 00:13:23,363 --> 00:13:25,682 You're just a tube. It's not very easy, darling. 252 00:13:25,683 --> 00:13:27,963 There you are, darling. You sit down. 253 00:13:35,443 --> 00:13:37,802 Darling, which end sneezed then? 254 00:13:37,803 --> 00:13:40,562 Both ends, Eddy. Oh, God. 255 00:13:40,563 --> 00:13:43,482 Just stay sitting. Oh, the door! Oh, my God! 256 00:13:43,483 --> 00:13:46,802 Clear, clear, clear! I'm getting the door! 257 00:13:46,803 --> 00:13:49,322 Oh, Michael's at my door. 258 00:13:49,323 --> 00:13:51,882 Michael! 259 00:13:51,883 --> 00:13:53,563 Hi, hi, hi. It's us! 260 00:13:55,883 --> 00:13:56,923 Hello! 261 00:13:59,443 --> 00:14:01,722 You stay back. I'm going to make sure it's safe. 262 00:14:01,723 --> 00:14:04,402 Hello! Oh, my God! 263 00:14:04,403 --> 00:14:05,602 Whoopi? 264 00:14:05,603 --> 00:14:08,042 No, it's me. 265 00:14:08,043 --> 00:14:10,002 Queen Latifah? No! 266 00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:13,242 It's me! Oh, it's you! Of course it's you. 267 00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:15,042 Then it's safe, Marshall. Come on. 268 00:14:15,043 --> 00:14:17,042 What are you doing here? You can't be here. 269 00:14:17,043 --> 00:14:19,003 We've got Michael Douglas coming. Oh, no, no. 270 00:14:19,004 --> 00:14:22,282 He's not coming. He gave Marshall his trip. What? 271 00:14:22,283 --> 00:14:24,042 I've been his caddy. Oh! 272 00:14:24,043 --> 00:14:25,602 Michael, Catherine... 273 00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:28,083 No, it's not them! It's not them, darling. 274 00:14:30,963 --> 00:14:33,402 What are you doing here? 275 00:14:33,403 --> 00:14:37,922 Well, Marshall caught sex addiction from Michael Douglas. Oh! 276 00:14:37,923 --> 00:14:39,403 So I got him on a programme. 277 00:14:39,404 --> 00:14:40,442 Really? 278 00:14:40,443 --> 00:14:44,002 Oh, you have nothing to worry about. Oh, I don't care. 279 00:14:44,003 --> 00:14:46,042 You definitely have nothing to worry about. 280 00:14:46,043 --> 00:14:48,442 OK, thank you. I don't have sex addiction, Bo. 281 00:14:48,443 --> 00:14:50,562 Do you hear that trickling sound, Marshall. 282 00:14:50,563 --> 00:14:53,682 Yeah, that's a little river we call denial. 283 00:14:53,683 --> 00:14:56,842 Would you like a cup of tea? No, no, no! 284 00:14:56,843 --> 00:15:01,322 Get out, get out! Why does nothing work for me any more? 285 00:15:01,323 --> 00:15:02,922 I don't want you here. 286 00:15:02,923 --> 00:15:05,682 I don't want you, I don't want you, I don't want you. 287 00:15:05,683 --> 00:15:09,082 Why are you here and why are you so old? Mmm? 288 00:15:09,083 --> 00:15:12,762 Have I been in a coma and just woken up? Look at me! 289 00:15:12,763 --> 00:15:13,963 I mean, honestly! 290 00:15:17,843 --> 00:15:21,242 I'm not a cup of tea, I'm a party girl! 291 00:15:21,243 --> 00:15:25,082 I've still got it. I'm still going, I'm still alive. 292 00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:28,002 Come on, Pats, we're still alive! 293 00:15:28,003 --> 00:15:31,522 Still alive. I'm still alive. Come on, Pats. 294 00:15:31,523 --> 00:15:33,882 Because we are still party girls. 295 00:15:33,883 --> 00:15:36,882 God, why isn't there a pill to make people disappear? Come on, come on. 296 00:15:36,883 --> 00:15:39,962 Pats, Pats. Pats. Pats. 297 00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:41,202 Mum, stop it. 298 00:15:41,203 --> 00:15:46,402 She's not breathing. Breathe, breathe, Pats. Come on. 299 00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:49,722 Oh, my God, what is she wearing? 300 00:15:49,723 --> 00:15:53,002 That's just my control body. Just my control... 301 00:15:53,003 --> 00:15:55,002 Well, it's suffocating her. No! 302 00:15:55,003 --> 00:15:57,202 Crushing what organs she has left. 303 00:15:57,203 --> 00:16:00,002 Do something! Go and get me some scissors. 304 00:16:00,003 --> 00:16:02,562 Let me help. Don't you get near that woman's crotch 305 00:16:02,563 --> 00:16:05,202 or I'll twist your little head off. 306 00:16:05,203 --> 00:16:07,322 Come on! Mum, she hasn't got a pulse. 307 00:16:07,323 --> 00:16:11,602 She doesn't have a pulse, darling. She's never had a pulse. 308 00:16:11,603 --> 00:16:13,962 Get out of the way, I'll do CPR. Oh, God! 309 00:16:13,963 --> 00:16:15,082 Ah! 310 00:16:15,083 --> 00:16:16,163 Uh! 311 00:16:17,883 --> 00:16:22,643 Michael, Catherine... No, no, no, it's not them, darling. 312 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:27,322 So how are you both? We're fine. 313 00:16:27,323 --> 00:16:29,002 We are not fine. Marshall. 314 00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:32,202 Now keep your hands where I can see them. 315 00:16:32,203 --> 00:16:35,082 I had to get him out of that depraved environment, 316 00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:37,802 that crazy golf scene with Michael Douglas. 317 00:16:37,803 --> 00:16:39,602 I was his caddy. 318 00:16:39,603 --> 00:16:42,362 Oh, yes, anything for Michael. 319 00:16:42,363 --> 00:16:46,242 Always looking for Michael's golf balls in the rough at night clubs. 320 00:16:46,243 --> 00:16:48,922 "Oh, I'm just looking for Michael's golf ball, 321 00:16:48,923 --> 00:16:52,082 "that's why I have my hand up this woman's vagina." 322 00:16:52,083 --> 00:16:53,642 That didn't happen! 323 00:16:53,643 --> 00:16:57,842 It happened. It happened, Marshall. Oh, and the golf parties. 324 00:16:57,843 --> 00:17:02,162 Naked women spread eagle on the floor for putting practice. 325 00:17:02,163 --> 00:17:06,202 And you get an Indonesian one and she pops the ball BACK to you. 326 00:17:06,203 --> 00:17:07,922 Isn't that right? 327 00:17:07,923 --> 00:17:10,642 Did you ever get a hole in one, Marshall? 328 00:17:10,643 --> 00:17:14,922 He's a sex fiend. Bo, you're having a bad menopause. 329 00:17:14,923 --> 00:17:19,362 Saffy, all I want is a normal amount of sex. 330 00:17:19,363 --> 00:17:21,283 Shall we talk about something else? 331 00:17:21,284 --> 00:17:24,402 Oh, no. When there's something like this that's got its grip on you, 332 00:17:24,403 --> 00:17:26,042 it's hard to let go. 333 00:17:26,043 --> 00:17:29,242 Yeah, when you dance with a gorilla, the gorilla leads. 334 00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:31,523 Oh, and you are the gorilla? 335 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:39,762 No, I'm not the gorilla. Don't you people know about addiction? 336 00:17:39,763 --> 00:17:42,482 She's got me on the 12 Steps. Yeah. 337 00:17:42,483 --> 00:17:45,002 And it's a staircase, not an escalator. 338 00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:49,202 You've got to work at it. You've got some stinking thinking, mister. 339 00:17:49,203 --> 00:17:50,962 Oh, why don't we have a meeting? 340 00:17:50,963 --> 00:17:53,403 I've got to go upstairs. Will you be all right, Gran? 341 00:17:53,404 --> 00:17:56,762 Oh, yes, fine, dear. I shall plug into my iTunes. 342 00:17:56,763 --> 00:18:00,002 She can stay in the meeting with us. OK, everybody ready? 343 00:18:00,003 --> 00:18:02,002 All right, let's convene. 344 00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:05,562 Oh, who do we have here? "Hello, I'm Susan." 345 00:18:05,563 --> 00:18:09,202 Well, hello, Susan and welcome. "And I'm an alcoholic." 346 00:18:09,203 --> 00:18:14,042 Susan, you're in the wrong meeting! This is sex addiction! 347 00:18:14,043 --> 00:18:17,842 Isn't that funny? She wandered in. "I'm an alcoholic." 348 00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:20,162 You're in the wrong... Go! 349 00:18:20,163 --> 00:18:22,563 Funny. Isn't it funny? Oh... 350 00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,762 Another shattered dream? 351 00:18:31,763 --> 00:18:32,883 How dare you! 352 00:18:34,243 --> 00:18:35,723 Still very much alive. 353 00:18:41,123 --> 00:18:43,602 You all right now? Yeah, darling, fine. 354 00:18:43,603 --> 00:18:46,762 Just waiting for a little kidney to get back into place. 355 00:18:46,763 --> 00:18:50,482 It just feels like the world's closing up on me, darling. 356 00:18:50,483 --> 00:18:54,602 There's so much new stuff happening out there and... 357 00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:56,282 I just can't keep up. 358 00:18:56,283 --> 00:18:59,042 Do you mind, Eddy? What? I mean, do you mind? 359 00:18:59,043 --> 00:19:03,922 I know what you're feeling, darling, but really, I just don't even care. 360 00:19:03,923 --> 00:19:07,682 Oh, I suppose there is a certain numbness. Yes. 361 00:19:07,683 --> 00:19:10,522 I'm quite glad the old gecko didn't show. Are you? 362 00:19:10,523 --> 00:19:13,122 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Cheers. Yeah. 363 00:19:13,123 --> 00:19:14,962 You all right? 364 00:19:14,963 --> 00:19:16,203 Yes. Yes! 365 00:19:22,843 --> 00:19:27,322 Mum? Mm? I want you to listen. Oh, God, here we go. 366 00:19:27,323 --> 00:19:31,082 I don't understand why you're so desperate. 367 00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:34,602 Because it feels like the whole world of doors is closing on me. 368 00:19:34,603 --> 00:19:36,083 Closing, closing, closing. 369 00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:39,722 Of course, but you're blind to the doors that are opening up to you. 370 00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:42,242 Oh, oh, oh. You mean age appropriate doors, darling, 371 00:19:42,243 --> 00:19:44,082 is that what you're talking about? 372 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,562 Well, let me tell you, where I want to be doesn't seem to want me. 373 00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:48,603 Oh, for God's sake. 374 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:52,922 One of the biggest events ever in the history of London is taking place on your doorstep. 375 00:19:52,923 --> 00:19:55,762 Why have you not taken an interest? 376 00:19:55,763 --> 00:19:57,443 Cher is at the O2? 377 00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:02,282 The Olympics! Oh, no, Eddy. 378 00:20:02,283 --> 00:20:04,922 Not bloody sport, darling. 379 00:20:04,923 --> 00:20:06,442 Remember sport in school? 380 00:20:06,443 --> 00:20:10,962 Just big blue pants and blotchy legs and a very tight aertex shirt. 381 00:20:10,963 --> 00:20:13,922 And huge teenage knockers just wobbling, wobbling. 382 00:20:13,923 --> 00:20:16,402 200 metres, blob, blob, blob, blob. 383 00:20:16,403 --> 00:20:18,242 Hurdles. 384 00:20:18,243 --> 00:20:21,362 Hurdles, hurdles, hurdles! Ow! 385 00:20:21,363 --> 00:20:23,402 Are you blaming the games kit? 386 00:20:23,403 --> 00:20:25,242 Yes, what's your excuse? 387 00:20:25,243 --> 00:20:29,162 I was very good at games, you just never came to my sports days. 388 00:20:29,163 --> 00:20:31,522 That's not true. I remember the eggyspoony race. 389 00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,162 Yes, and you ate the egg. 390 00:20:33,163 --> 00:20:38,082 And she... Yeah I, I shagged the gym master on the long jump pitch. 391 00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:41,882 You see, darling, we were there, we were there. 392 00:20:41,883 --> 00:20:44,163 What are you going to do, just sit in here and fester? 393 00:20:44,164 --> 00:20:46,763 Oh, piss off! Piss off. 394 00:20:51,523 --> 00:20:52,723 Fine. 395 00:20:54,043 --> 00:21:00,083 But let me tell you, next time, it might be a case of "Do not revive" on your sad old corpse. 396 00:21:01,363 --> 00:21:02,603 Urgh! 397 00:21:04,603 --> 00:21:09,482 OK, Mama! Mama! Mama, you got something to share? 398 00:21:09,483 --> 00:21:12,242 I'm watching an old Homes Under the Hammer, dear. 399 00:21:12,243 --> 00:21:17,682 Listen, Bo, I don't have sex addiction. You have menopause. 400 00:21:17,683 --> 00:21:22,682 Why can't you see that having menopause is a natural part of being a woman? 401 00:21:22,683 --> 00:21:26,922 Why can't you see that being stupid is a natural part of being a man? 402 00:21:26,923 --> 00:21:29,082 I still have hormones. 403 00:21:29,083 --> 00:21:32,202 Yeah, my ovaries are popping around in there like a pinball machine. 404 00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:33,363 Oh, there goes an egg. 405 00:21:33,364 --> 00:21:37,882 Bo, you're bitchy and sweaty and sleepy and grumpy. 406 00:21:37,883 --> 00:21:40,482 Oh, Marshall, what are those, the menopause dwarves? 407 00:21:40,483 --> 00:21:45,162 OK. That's it. I'm going out. I need some air. 408 00:21:45,163 --> 00:21:47,563 Oh, look who thinks he's God. Well, you know what, 409 00:21:47,564 --> 00:21:49,682 if God were small enough to understand, 410 00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:51,922 I wouldn't be big enough to be God. 411 00:21:51,923 --> 00:21:54,762 You're not God, Bo. No, but I'm bigger than you. 412 00:21:54,763 --> 00:21:58,202 Don't go up those stairs. Do not go up those stairs. Do not go up. 413 00:21:58,203 --> 00:22:01,362 Do not go up those stairs! 414 00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:04,202 Stop running with those little legs! I'm going out, Bo. 415 00:22:04,203 --> 00:22:06,642 We have all these Michael Douglas invites, 416 00:22:06,643 --> 00:22:08,842 and God damn it, I'm going to use them. 417 00:22:08,843 --> 00:22:13,083 Wait for me, my wild mustang. Somebody get me my lasso! 418 00:22:30,763 --> 00:22:33,122 Oh, Michael Douglas, plus one. 419 00:22:33,123 --> 00:22:35,282 What's that for? Ugh! 420 00:22:35,283 --> 00:22:37,842 It's an invite, darling. Can't tell what it's for, 421 00:22:37,843 --> 00:22:40,842 something gone wrong with their graphics or something. 422 00:22:40,843 --> 00:22:43,083 Mum, that's the Olympics logo. 423 00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:45,403 Is it? 424 00:22:46,603 --> 00:22:49,522 Oh, oh. Why don't you go? It's a door. 425 00:22:49,523 --> 00:22:52,522 It's not a door. Will you stop going on about the doors? 426 00:22:52,523 --> 00:22:54,882 All right, it's a party. It's a par.. 427 00:22:54,883 --> 00:22:56,402 Oh! And there's champagne. 428 00:22:56,403 --> 00:22:58,443 Champagne. 429 00:23:01,843 --> 00:23:03,362 Pats... 430 00:23:06,563 --> 00:23:09,602 Darling, it's for SPARTS. I told you. 431 00:23:09,603 --> 00:23:11,323 Not those bloody elasticated pants. 432 00:23:11,324 --> 00:23:14,602 No darling, no darling. SPARTS. Sports and Arts. 433 00:23:14,603 --> 00:23:17,042 It's for the Olympics. 434 00:23:17,043 --> 00:23:18,962 Oh, thank you. 435 00:23:18,963 --> 00:23:21,802 Hello, can I introduce you to someone? If you must. 436 00:23:21,803 --> 00:23:23,563 Dame Kelly Holmes. Nice to meet you. 437 00:23:23,564 --> 00:23:26,522 Double Olympic champion, of course. Dame, is it? 438 00:23:26,523 --> 00:23:28,642 Yes, that's right. What's that for? 439 00:23:28,643 --> 00:23:31,482 Well... A bit of running, was it? That's right. Lots of running. 440 00:23:31,483 --> 00:23:34,482 Will you be doing the running in this running races, the Olympics? 441 00:23:34,483 --> 00:23:37,122 No, I've actually retired now, so, erm... Yeah. 442 00:23:37,123 --> 00:23:42,122 I've lost Marshall. I walk away for two seconds and he's gone. 443 00:23:42,123 --> 00:23:44,402 The little Casanova. 444 00:23:44,403 --> 00:23:45,923 Marshall? 445 00:23:50,003 --> 00:23:51,722 Lots and lots of it... 446 00:23:51,723 --> 00:23:52,922 Marshall! 447 00:23:52,923 --> 00:23:56,082 Don't make a scene, Bo. Who is this? 448 00:23:56,083 --> 00:23:59,922 Who is this? Who is THIS? This is his wife! 449 00:23:59,923 --> 00:24:01,243 Well, we were only talking. 450 00:24:01,244 --> 00:24:02,682 Bo, this is Tanni. 451 00:24:02,683 --> 00:24:05,482 Tanni, Tanni. 452 00:24:05,483 --> 00:24:06,643 Satan be thy name. 453 00:24:06,644 --> 00:24:10,082 Why don't you take a dagger and thrust it into my heart? 454 00:24:10,083 --> 00:24:13,322 Tanni. Cute name for the devil. 455 00:24:13,323 --> 00:24:17,122 Tanni, can I help? Yeah, I'm going to mingle. 456 00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:18,682 Don't let them follow me. 457 00:24:18,683 --> 00:24:20,803 I've got your back. 458 00:24:22,963 --> 00:24:26,082 So, Mark, you're an athlete. What's your distance? 459 00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:29,882 Do you do sort of long and slow or short, powerful bursts? 460 00:24:29,883 --> 00:24:30,923 I'm a sprinter. 461 00:24:32,243 --> 00:24:37,082 Darling, he's blind. Yeah. Suits me, darling, that's lucky. 462 00:24:37,083 --> 00:24:40,282 Ladies and gentlemen, in a minute there will be some speeches 463 00:24:40,283 --> 00:24:42,401 from the Head of the Arts Council. Let's go, Eddy. 464 00:24:42,402 --> 00:24:43,763 We don't want any speeches. 465 00:24:43,764 --> 00:24:46,082 And Miss Stella McCartney. 466 00:24:46,083 --> 00:24:47,442 Stella?! 467 00:24:47,443 --> 00:24:50,482 Who designed the uniforms and kit for the British team. 468 00:24:50,483 --> 00:24:52,602 Stella games kit? 469 00:24:52,603 --> 00:24:54,403 Darling, if I'd had a Stella games kit, 470 00:24:54,404 --> 00:24:56,482 I would have become a runner, wouldn't I? 471 00:24:56,483 --> 00:24:58,803 I could wear Stella. Stella! 472 00:25:01,483 --> 00:25:03,643 I'm going over there to clear it up once and for all. 473 00:25:03,644 --> 00:25:05,202 If she knew me, she would love me. 474 00:25:05,203 --> 00:25:07,643 Oh, if you do go up to her, remember you're a somebody. 475 00:25:07,644 --> 00:25:10,282 Do it with dignity, Eds, and don't take any nonsense from her. 476 00:25:10,283 --> 00:25:11,802 Oh... Stella! 477 00:25:11,803 --> 00:25:14,403 Stella, Stella. Stella, Stella. 478 00:25:15,923 --> 00:25:18,682 Stella, Stella, Stella. 479 00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:20,722 Stella, why don't you love me? 480 00:25:20,723 --> 00:25:22,442 I don't know you. 481 00:25:22,443 --> 00:25:24,962 But I would look great in your clothes, wouldn't I? 482 00:25:24,963 --> 00:25:26,283 I'm not... I don't think so. 483 00:25:26,284 --> 00:25:28,162 Stella, Stella. Don't touch me. 484 00:25:28,163 --> 00:25:29,883 Patsy knows your dad, sweetheart. Oh. 485 00:25:29,884 --> 00:25:33,842 Well, I had him once in a small cupboard back stage in Hamburg. 486 00:25:33,843 --> 00:25:36,922 I think it was him. It was one of the four. Might've been Yoko Ono. 487 00:25:36,923 --> 00:25:39,962 This is Mark. He likes us. 488 00:25:39,963 --> 00:25:41,202 He's blind. 489 00:25:41,203 --> 00:25:44,082 But darling, blind is the new black. 490 00:25:44,083 --> 00:25:46,082 Sorry, you're going to have to leave. 491 00:25:46,083 --> 00:25:49,482 Oh, oh. Steady, steady. What? What? 492 00:25:49,483 --> 00:25:50,602 What? What? 493 00:25:50,603 --> 00:25:52,202 Sorry about that, Stella. 494 00:25:52,203 --> 00:25:55,163 She's been a nightmare. She has been stalking me. 495 00:25:59,403 --> 00:26:02,802 Eddy, they really upset you. Get up there, get up there. 496 00:26:02,803 --> 00:26:08,003 Last time I ever... be like that, being nice to people. 497 00:26:11,163 --> 00:26:13,602 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. 498 00:26:13,603 --> 00:26:16,562 Darling, I don't think we came in this way. 499 00:26:16,563 --> 00:26:17,923 We came out of these doors. 500 00:26:30,523 --> 00:26:32,002 It's empty. 501 00:26:32,003 --> 00:26:34,803 That's because no-one could get tickets, isn't it, darling? 502 00:26:37,163 --> 00:26:39,323 Wow! 503 00:27:01,843 --> 00:27:03,922 I actually want to stay! 504 00:27:03,923 --> 00:27:05,322 That's fine, thank you. 505 00:27:05,323 --> 00:27:10,202 You're discouraging me from taking up sport. 506 00:27:10,203 --> 00:27:12,163 Thank you very much, thank you very much. 507 00:27:26,323 --> 00:27:29,122 This is nice, dear. Yes, Gran. 508 00:27:29,123 --> 00:27:31,442 Marshall, we can watch the opening ceremonies, 509 00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:34,722 but if I see one body part twitch, I'm tightening the straps. 510 00:27:34,723 --> 00:27:37,002 Leave it, Bo. 511 00:27:37,003 --> 00:27:41,762 Oh, God, what's happening, what's happening? What's happening? 512 00:27:41,763 --> 00:27:44,002 The opening ceremony is just about to start. 513 00:27:44,003 --> 00:27:46,042 Oh, Eddy, look. Oh, Eddy, look, we were there. 514 00:27:46,043 --> 00:27:49,362 That's where we were, the stripey bit. We were there, darling. 515 00:27:49,363 --> 00:27:51,402 Opening ceremony. Right, let's take bets. 516 00:27:51,403 --> 00:27:53,283 Elton John at the piano, Candle in the Wind. 517 00:27:53,284 --> 00:27:55,882 Toupee eight foot above his head. What's the bet? 518 00:27:55,883 --> 00:28:00,002 Marching band. Brian Blessed saying something smaaa... 519 00:28:00,003 --> 00:28:03,882 Sad old London buses and break dancers. Yes, come on. 520 00:28:03,883 --> 00:28:04,963 Gran, what are these? 521 00:28:04,964 --> 00:28:07,562 Oh, they're the tickets, dear. 522 00:28:07,563 --> 00:28:11,282 But I don't really see why anyone would want to actually be there 523 00:28:11,283 --> 00:28:15,002 when they can watch it in comfort on the good old Auntie Beeb. 524 00:28:15,003 --> 00:28:17,522 Yes, and there's Clare Balding. 525 00:28:17,523 --> 00:28:19,763 Is she dear? Oh!