1 00:01:06,527 --> 00:01:09,121 My dear, the hot coals are ready. 2 00:01:09,207 --> 00:01:11,243 Uncle Fester, are you ready? 3 00:01:11,327 --> 00:01:12,442 Well... 4 00:01:14,807 --> 00:01:15,922 Make sure they're good and hot. 5 00:01:24,207 --> 00:01:26,118 Thank you, Lurch. Good man. 6 00:01:28,527 --> 00:01:30,882 Uncle Fester, are you sure you want to go through with this? 7 00:01:30,967 --> 00:01:32,036 Well... 8 00:01:32,127 --> 00:01:33,924 You said you'd go through fire for me, old man. 9 00:01:34,007 --> 00:01:35,406 But not in my bare feet. 10 00:01:35,487 --> 00:01:38,365 It's nothing to fear. Purely a question of mind over matter. 11 00:01:38,847 --> 00:01:40,565 Well, in that case... 12 00:01:48,687 --> 00:01:50,120 Oh, this is hot! 13 00:01:52,207 --> 00:01:54,880 - Bravo, bravo! - By golly, you did it! 14 00:01:54,967 --> 00:01:57,242 - After only one lesson of Zen-Yogi. - Yeah. 15 00:01:57,327 --> 00:02:00,399 Oh, darling, with such an inspired instructor as you, 16 00:02:00,487 --> 00:02:01,681 anything is possible. 17 00:02:06,287 --> 00:02:09,120 While they're still hot, I might as well take a stroll through myself. 18 00:02:28,927 --> 00:02:31,202 Nothing to it, once you've mastered concentration. 19 00:02:31,287 --> 00:02:33,323 How true, darling, how true. 20 00:02:33,407 --> 00:02:36,046 But next time, why don't you try it with your shoes off? 21 00:02:40,287 --> 00:02:41,879 A mere technicality. 22 00:02:47,047 --> 00:02:50,005 You're spoiling me, Morticia. An Indian for each length. 23 00:02:52,287 --> 00:02:55,040 Well, darling, you've always said I was an Indian giver. 24 00:02:55,127 --> 00:02:56,196 Now I've proved it. 25 00:03:08,607 --> 00:03:09,926 Good cigar. 26 00:03:12,727 --> 00:03:15,764 - Hello, Father. - Children, home from... 27 00:03:16,247 --> 00:03:19,717 Where are you home from? Oh, yes, you're home from school. 28 00:03:20,207 --> 00:03:22,596 How are things down at the old brain factory? 29 00:03:22,687 --> 00:03:26,441 - Are you sure you wanna know? - Certainly. We're your parents. 30 00:03:27,047 --> 00:03:29,607 - Aren't we? - Of course we are, darling. 31 00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,439 Look at the family resemblance. 32 00:03:31,527 --> 00:03:34,439 Now, what seems to be the difficulty? A little problem in trigonometry? 33 00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:37,724 Calculus? Nuclear fission? Anything I can't handle, your mother can. 34 00:03:37,807 --> 00:03:41,595 - It's not that at all. - It's these books they make us read. 35 00:03:43,087 --> 00:03:45,601 Oh, I do hope they're not teaching you about the birds and the bees? 36 00:03:45,687 --> 00:03:48,406 Yes, plenty of time for that later. On the other hand... 37 00:03:48,487 --> 00:03:50,637 Gomez! Run along, children. 38 00:03:52,447 --> 00:03:54,677 Oh, darling, it's even worse than we thought. 39 00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:57,076 Look at this. The Wicked Goblin. 40 00:03:57,407 --> 00:04:00,717 That's ridiculous. I never met a goblin I didn't like. 41 00:04:01,087 --> 00:04:04,238 Oh, dear, I don't think I can even bear to read the title of this one. 42 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:07,125 You must. If the children can stand it, so can I. 43 00:04:07,207 --> 00:04:10,119 How Sir Lancelot Slew the Evil Giant. 44 00:04:10,207 --> 00:04:12,641 It's outrageous. Who ever heard of an evil giant? 45 00:04:12,727 --> 00:04:15,685 Of course, a giant is simply an oversized pygmy. 46 00:04:15,767 --> 00:04:17,962 Read the title of the other one. 47 00:04:18,527 --> 00:04:19,721 Oh, dear. 48 00:04:20,687 --> 00:04:23,281 How Pamela Escaped from the Wicked Witch. 49 00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:25,198 Oh, I wish I hadn't asked. 50 00:04:25,287 --> 00:04:28,802 Imagine, poisoning a child's mind with all this terrible literature. 51 00:04:28,887 --> 00:04:31,276 - Children, have you protested? - Sure. 52 00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:35,719 We told Miss Doubleday that us Addamses like giants, goblins and witches. 53 00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:38,801 But she just muttered something about nuts. 54 00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:41,483 "Nuts"? That does it. 55 00:04:41,567 --> 00:04:45,003 We'll march to the board of education. We'll picket the PTA. 56 00:04:45,087 --> 00:04:47,476 Darling, we've complained before. It doesn't do any good. 57 00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,000 The abuses just continue. 58 00:04:52,407 --> 00:04:53,840 What can we do? 59 00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:57,237 Besides, the poor educators are probably doing the best they can. 60 00:04:57,327 --> 00:04:59,238 If they had better books, I'm sure they'd use them. 61 00:04:59,327 --> 00:05:01,158 - Probably. - The point is, 62 00:05:01,247 --> 00:05:03,715 - someone has to write them. - But who? 63 00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:13,002 You? 64 00:05:13,567 --> 00:05:14,920 Oh, no, I couldn't. 65 00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:19,044 But then again, why not? 66 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,923 With your busy schedule, you'd dedicate yourself 67 00:05:22,007 --> 00:05:24,237 to the task of creating a new literature for children? 68 00:05:24,327 --> 00:05:26,761 Darling, this is very important. It must be done. 69 00:05:26,847 --> 00:05:30,396 What a sacrifice! This is a red-letter day for book-Iovers. 70 00:05:39,087 --> 00:05:41,681 You have to work down here in the cave? 71 00:05:42,767 --> 00:05:45,235 The closest thing we have to a Ionely garret. 72 00:05:47,127 --> 00:05:49,163 Then why not use the garret? 73 00:05:49,887 --> 00:05:52,685 Lurch likes to use it for his clay-modeling. 74 00:05:54,247 --> 00:05:56,920 Darling, why don't you turn off the echo? 75 00:05:57,807 --> 00:05:58,922 Thing. 76 00:06:03,087 --> 00:06:04,645 Thank you, Thing. 77 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:10,206 Now then, I'll just bring in a cot, and sleep over there. 78 00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:12,721 Oh, no, darling, you'll interfere with my work. 79 00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:14,320 That's the idea. 80 00:06:15,127 --> 00:06:16,685 All work and no play... 81 00:06:16,847 --> 00:06:19,236 All work and no play gets books done. 82 00:06:21,607 --> 00:06:25,122 - But you'll need literary advice. - I'll ask Cousin Cackle. 83 00:06:26,727 --> 00:06:29,321 You see? He's just dying to give advice. 84 00:06:29,407 --> 00:06:32,524 Cackle's been in this cave for 30 years. What does he know about the world? 85 00:06:32,607 --> 00:06:35,121 Darling, a man who's lived in a cave for 30 years 86 00:06:35,207 --> 00:06:37,402 certainly has had a lot of time to think. 87 00:06:38,247 --> 00:06:41,045 Well, I guess the first thing I'll need is a title. 88 00:06:50,287 --> 00:06:53,643 Why, thank you, Thing. That's a lovely title. 89 00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:57,124 The Good Giant Slays Wicked Sir Lancelot. 90 00:06:57,447 --> 00:06:58,721 Thank you. 91 00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:03,240 - Will I see you at dinner? - Oh, I doubt it, dear. 92 00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:06,956 I'll probably just munch some jimsonweed, and work right through the night. 93 00:07:08,447 --> 00:07:10,119 Well, in that case... 94 00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:13,637 - Aloha. - Aloha, bubele. 95 00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:19,239 - You know what that name does to me. - Darling, please. 96 00:07:19,407 --> 00:07:21,238 Book, now. Bubele, later. 97 00:07:24,367 --> 00:07:25,482 Sorry. 98 00:07:31,007 --> 00:07:35,558 This is how Louisa May Alcott must have looked, when she started Little Women. 99 00:07:37,007 --> 00:07:41,159 Well, I've started. Only 300 more pages to go. 100 00:07:57,127 --> 00:08:00,881 - We've cleared out at least three shelves. - Aren't you going a bit overboard? 101 00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:03,925 - Morticia's only started her first book. - You have to look ahead. 102 00:08:04,007 --> 00:08:08,046 Once Morticia gets rolling, we'll have to clear out every shelf in the house. 103 00:08:08,127 --> 00:08:10,846 - Dickens, too? - I'm afraid so, Lurch. 104 00:08:10,927 --> 00:08:14,920 - Everyone has to do his part. - How long has Morticia been on this? 105 00:08:15,007 --> 00:08:18,761 Exactly two days, 13 hours and 41 minutes. 106 00:08:18,847 --> 00:08:20,166 But every one, well worth it. 107 00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:30,880 Oh, thank you, Thing. 108 00:08:31,687 --> 00:08:33,245 I can see it all now. 109 00:08:33,327 --> 00:08:36,364 "Morticia Addams, the new literary sensation." 110 00:08:36,607 --> 00:08:40,043 Traveling all over the world, drinking it up at those literary teas. 111 00:08:40,127 --> 00:08:44,040 Making speeches, signing autographs, telling off the critics. 112 00:08:44,127 --> 00:08:46,880 We might not even see her for six months at a time. 113 00:08:46,967 --> 00:08:49,640 - Six months? - Oh, maybe even six years. 114 00:08:49,727 --> 00:08:51,922 But as long as it's for humanity, 115 00:08:52,007 --> 00:08:53,440 - who cares? - I care. 116 00:08:53,527 --> 00:08:56,439 - Lf the girl travels, I'm going with her. - You can't do that. 117 00:08:56,527 --> 00:08:58,438 Somebody's gotta stay at home and take care of the kids. 118 00:08:58,527 --> 00:09:01,485 - What about you? - Oh, I can take care of myself. 119 00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:03,603 - Can't you look after the children? - Sorry, 120 00:09:03,687 --> 00:09:06,440 I'll be too busy answering Morticia's fan letters. 121 00:09:06,527 --> 00:09:08,677 And besides, they're your kids. 122 00:09:09,327 --> 00:09:11,841 Gadzooks! I may have created a Frankenstein. 123 00:09:15,727 --> 00:09:19,561 The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. 124 00:09:30,527 --> 00:09:31,846 Morticia. 125 00:09:32,527 --> 00:09:36,236 - Querida, I must talk to you. - Oh, of course, that's it. 126 00:09:36,327 --> 00:09:37,840 That's what comes next. 127 00:09:37,927 --> 00:09:39,076 "The... 128 00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:42,202 "End." 129 00:09:44,807 --> 00:09:48,277 Thank you so much, Thing. My fingers were getting numb. 130 00:09:48,967 --> 00:09:51,242 Oh, darling, you're just in time. 131 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:55,077 My first book, all ready for publication. 132 00:09:55,367 --> 00:09:57,085 - Wonderful. - And just think, 133 00:09:57,167 --> 00:10:00,000 it only took me two days, 10 hours and... 134 00:10:04,607 --> 00:10:05,926 37 minutes. 135 00:10:06,007 --> 00:10:08,805 Don't you realize we've hardly had a word together for days? 136 00:10:08,887 --> 00:10:10,206 Well, let's talk now, dear. 137 00:10:10,287 --> 00:10:12,357 I'm taking a 10-minute break between books. 138 00:10:12,447 --> 00:10:15,007 In that case, let's not waste a second. 139 00:10:15,567 --> 00:10:19,242 Gomez, darling, don't you want to talk about my book? 140 00:10:20,367 --> 00:10:21,482 Oh, yes. 141 00:10:23,327 --> 00:10:24,521 The book. 142 00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:29,565 My first story, Cinderella the Teenage Delinquent. 143 00:10:29,647 --> 00:10:33,322 Cinderella... My blood boils when I think of that little minx. 144 00:10:33,407 --> 00:10:36,365 Gomez, can you imagine? Those two Good Samaritans take her in 145 00:10:36,447 --> 00:10:39,803 off the street, and what does she do? The night they need her the most, 146 00:10:39,887 --> 00:10:41,764 she runs off in a pumpkin. 147 00:10:41,847 --> 00:10:43,997 - How did you right that wrong? - Simple. 148 00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:52,003 Here. "As the clock struck 12:00, the police summoned by the kindly stepmother 149 00:10:52,087 --> 00:10:56,365 "found Cinderella cowering in the ashes, with a stolen glass slipper, 150 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,960 "and yanked her off to the pokey." 151 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:03,197 Cara mia! You've done it. This'll open the eyes of school librarians everywhere. 152 00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:06,679 Oh, darling, I'm sorry. Your 10 minutes are up. Back to work. 153 00:11:07,287 --> 00:11:10,962 Dear, would you please proofread that and send it off to a publisher? 154 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:14,523 - Which one? - Try Demon Press. 155 00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,916 They sound just perfect for children's books. 156 00:11:24,847 --> 00:11:26,405 Thank you, Thing. 157 00:11:36,407 --> 00:11:38,125 Thanks again, Thing. 158 00:11:49,967 --> 00:11:51,480 What's the matter, Gomez? 159 00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:53,444 Fester, you've caught me on the horns of a dilemma. 160 00:11:53,527 --> 00:11:56,360 Well, why don't you hop off of it, and just tell me all about it? 161 00:11:56,447 --> 00:12:00,076 I'm supposed to mail this manuscript to Morticia's publisher, but I don't dare. 162 00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:01,998 - It's that bad, huh? - It's that good. 163 00:12:02,087 --> 00:12:04,282 Once he sees this, I've lost her forever. 164 00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:07,245 There'll be nothing but abject misery for both of us and the children. 165 00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:11,002 - So just don't mail it. - I can't do that, she trusts me. 166 00:12:12,247 --> 00:12:14,602 - That makes it easier. - Out of the question. 167 00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,085 - I got a better idea. - What's that? 168 00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:20,000 Why don't you just change it a little bit, so the publisher won't like it? 169 00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:22,078 Tamper with this masterpiece? 170 00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:25,603 Fester, that's like asking me to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa. 171 00:12:25,847 --> 00:12:28,441 Or put plastic arms on Venus. 172 00:12:28,527 --> 00:12:30,643 Or finger-paint on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. 173 00:12:30,727 --> 00:12:33,400 - Okay, it was just a suggestion. - And a great one. 174 00:12:33,807 --> 00:12:35,126 I'll do it. 175 00:12:41,847 --> 00:12:44,680 A more miserable man never roamed this earth. 176 00:12:45,087 --> 00:12:48,204 You can be miserable, all right. But for now, will you relax? 177 00:12:48,287 --> 00:12:50,118 - How can I? - Please. 178 00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:52,881 I'll try. 179 00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:57,006 Much better. 180 00:12:58,127 --> 00:13:01,278 It's no use, Fester. Even Zen-Yogi doesn't help. 181 00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:03,842 I'm a seething volcano inside. 182 00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:07,639 All you're doing is changing a few of Morticia's words, 183 00:13:07,727 --> 00:13:11,276 just enough so the publisher will turn it down, and you've got your wife back. 184 00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:12,959 But at what price? 185 00:13:13,207 --> 00:13:16,483 How can a man of honor tamper with her beautiful lines? 186 00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:18,956 Who needs a man of honor? You do it. 187 00:13:19,287 --> 00:13:22,518 Well, better to preserve a marriage than a masterpiece. 188 00:13:26,287 --> 00:13:28,323 I'll dictate the changes, you write them down. 189 00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:30,796 Okay, take it from the top. 190 00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:39,005 "Out of the sweet-scented swamp, Lucifer, the kindly wolf, minced dandily." 191 00:13:39,087 --> 00:13:45,003 All right, change that to "Across a daisy-covered meadow, 192 00:13:45,127 --> 00:13:49,917 "the snarling, sniveling, slathering wolf slunk." 193 00:13:50,407 --> 00:13:51,806 That's great. 194 00:13:53,487 --> 00:13:57,241 - But isn't that "slank"? - No, I think it's "slinked." 195 00:13:57,327 --> 00:14:00,239 - How about "slunk"? - Very well, make it "slunk." 196 00:14:01,247 --> 00:14:03,124 - I can't go on. - You've got to. 197 00:14:03,207 --> 00:14:04,765 You convinced me. 198 00:14:10,207 --> 00:14:13,961 Ah, thank you, Thing. I don't know what I would have done without you. 199 00:14:16,487 --> 00:14:18,876 - I better sharpen this quill. - All right. 200 00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,758 Boy, they're not making quills like they used to. 201 00:14:37,327 --> 00:14:39,716 I feel so guilty, being away from my writing. 202 00:14:41,207 --> 00:14:43,482 You've got to relax. If Keats had had a ping-pong table 203 00:14:43,567 --> 00:14:45,364 he'd have lived longer. 204 00:14:45,847 --> 00:14:49,476 How can I relax? It's been three days and no word from my publisher. 205 00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:52,400 Don't worry, the rejection slip ought to be here any minute. 206 00:14:53,847 --> 00:14:54,996 Rejection slip? 207 00:14:57,367 --> 00:14:58,641 Gomez, what does he mean? 208 00:15:00,447 --> 00:15:04,918 Querida, we must be realistic. Genius often goes unrecognized. 209 00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:08,599 After all, Dostoyevsky wasn't discovered until he was 56. 210 00:15:09,247 --> 00:15:12,603 No wonder. With a name like that, the reviewers probably couldn't even spell it. 211 00:15:15,807 --> 00:15:17,160 Whose point was that, Fester? 212 00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:23,597 - Who could that be? - Oh, wouldn't it be lovely 213 00:15:23,687 --> 00:15:27,077 if it was my publisher, telling me he was going to print my book? 214 00:15:27,647 --> 00:15:30,002 You writers, you live in a dream world. 215 00:15:32,727 --> 00:15:36,481 Mr. Boswell, publisher. 216 00:15:39,807 --> 00:15:43,243 For a minute there, I thought you said... Mr. Boswell? Publisher? 217 00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:49,117 Morticia Addams. Let me look at you. 218 00:15:51,487 --> 00:15:53,955 - Incredible. - How do you do? 219 00:15:54,167 --> 00:15:56,203 Look, Boswell, if you're here with a rejection slip, 220 00:15:56,287 --> 00:15:58,482 be quick about it and on your way. 221 00:15:58,807 --> 00:16:01,526 Rejection slip? Really, my dear fellow! 222 00:16:01,887 --> 00:16:03,684 Why, this little lady is a genius. 223 00:16:04,407 --> 00:16:06,967 And I'm here to publish her work. 224 00:16:08,847 --> 00:16:11,441 What do you have to say to that, Mrs. Addams? 225 00:16:11,527 --> 00:16:12,801 Thank you. 226 00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:15,676 Now, as to the finances, 227 00:16:17,407 --> 00:16:20,797 at present we're a little tight with working capital. 228 00:16:20,887 --> 00:16:25,005 However, if you could see fit to put up, let's say, $5,000, 229 00:16:26,087 --> 00:16:29,159 I'll publish your book, and we'll make a fortune. 230 00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:31,961 That sounds intriguing. 231 00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:35,281 Just as I thought, a bunko artist, out for the money. 232 00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:38,404 - I'll shoot him in the back. - I've got a better idea. 233 00:16:38,487 --> 00:16:40,682 - In the front? - Boswell. 234 00:16:40,847 --> 00:16:45,523 I've decided to accept your offer, but we'll make it $10,000 235 00:16:45,847 --> 00:16:48,839 - and use a higher-grade paper. - You better let me shoot him in the back. 236 00:16:48,927 --> 00:16:50,883 - It's much cheaper. - No. 237 00:16:51,047 --> 00:16:54,801 - 10,000. - This is most generous of you. 238 00:16:54,887 --> 00:16:58,277 Without my husband's help, none of this would be possible. 239 00:16:58,367 --> 00:17:00,039 You can say that again. 240 00:17:00,127 --> 00:17:03,164 - I've got to get the presses rolling. - I'll see you out. 241 00:17:03,727 --> 00:17:07,436 I suppose you'll want some snapshots and some biographical notes? 242 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:12,157 Just the snapshots. Let's forget the biographical notes. 243 00:17:16,047 --> 00:17:20,086 - You gave that faker 10,000 bucks? - And with good reason. 244 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:23,763 With that much, the scoundrel will skip to Brazil 245 00:17:23,847 --> 00:17:26,520 - and that'll be the end of it. - And to think, 246 00:17:26,607 --> 00:17:28,996 some people call you a nut. 247 00:17:29,087 --> 00:17:32,557 No wonder! Please, I'm too upset! 248 00:17:34,327 --> 00:17:35,521 In-laws. 249 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:40,882 Lunch. 250 00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:44,557 Oh, Lurch. Just in time. 251 00:17:45,407 --> 00:17:46,920 Yes, midnight. 252 00:17:47,607 --> 00:17:51,043 - Did Mr. Addams go to bed? - Sound asleep. 253 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:55,245 Tish, you spoke French! 254 00:17:55,887 --> 00:17:57,843 Darling, now, now, now. 255 00:17:57,927 --> 00:18:01,044 You repose while I compose, dear. 256 00:18:03,847 --> 00:18:06,805 Lurch, a very interesting technical question has arisen. 257 00:18:06,887 --> 00:18:10,766 And both Thing and Cousin Cackle seemed a little vague about it. 258 00:18:10,847 --> 00:18:11,916 Yes? 259 00:18:12,127 --> 00:18:14,243 What was the name of that mean little girl, 260 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:17,205 who was so beastly to those three lovely bears? 261 00:18:17,287 --> 00:18:19,198 Goldilocks. 262 00:18:19,647 --> 00:18:22,639 Ah, yes. Goldilocks. 263 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:25,116 Trust a blonde to bring on trouble. 264 00:18:25,487 --> 00:18:28,240 Well, when I get through with Miss Goldilocks, 265 00:18:28,327 --> 00:18:30,477 her books will be banned from coast to coast. 266 00:18:32,887 --> 00:18:34,240 Oh, Lurch, 267 00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:39,121 Mr. Addams didn't quite make it. Would you tuck him in, please? 268 00:18:39,607 --> 00:18:42,167 Yes, Mrs. Addams. 269 00:18:57,207 --> 00:19:00,597 Hey, Gomez, grab your motorcycle. I'll race you to the attic. 270 00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:03,322 Fester, my wife's been in that cave for three weeks 271 00:19:03,407 --> 00:19:04,806 and you want me to go hill-climbing? 272 00:19:04,887 --> 00:19:08,357 - Can you think of anything better to do? - My poor querida. 273 00:19:08,887 --> 00:19:12,004 Slaving away on book eight, for what? For some phony publisher 274 00:19:12,087 --> 00:19:13,600 living it up in Rio. 275 00:19:13,687 --> 00:19:16,155 I got a hunch he didn't go to Rio. I think he went to Europe. 276 00:19:16,247 --> 00:19:19,239 - What difference does it make? - Well, it costs a lot less in Europe. 277 00:19:19,327 --> 00:19:22,524 - He might bring you back some change. - I don't care about the money. 278 00:19:22,607 --> 00:19:25,360 - I must tell Morticia the truth. - About Boswell? 279 00:19:25,447 --> 00:19:27,438 About my tampering with her book. 280 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:31,806 Well, I'm certainly glad that I didn't have anything to do with that. 281 00:19:37,207 --> 00:19:40,756 Well, here it is, Gomez, darling. Book number eight. 282 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,766 And not a word from Mr. Boswell about book number one. 283 00:19:43,847 --> 00:19:45,997 Tish, are books all you can think about? 284 00:19:46,087 --> 00:19:48,157 For a dedicated authoress, dear, what else is there? 285 00:19:48,247 --> 00:19:50,522 - There's me. - Oh, you're right. 286 00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:53,366 - My next book will be about you. - Morticia, 287 00:19:53,687 --> 00:19:55,996 there's something I must tell you. 288 00:19:56,167 --> 00:19:58,635 - You'll never hear from Mr. Boswell again. - Oh? 289 00:19:58,727 --> 00:20:01,605 - Hey, who do you think's coming in? - Cousin Turncoat? 290 00:20:01,687 --> 00:20:04,360 No, Mr. Boswell. Come in, come in. 291 00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:08,723 Folks, this is a great day for American literature. 292 00:20:08,847 --> 00:20:10,599 You're going back to Brazil? 293 00:20:11,607 --> 00:20:15,646 No, dear, I believe Mr. Boswell means he brought us some good news? 294 00:20:15,727 --> 00:20:19,003 - Did you bring us some change? - Some change indeed. 295 00:20:19,407 --> 00:20:22,797 $2,000 worth, as an advance to Mrs. Addams. 296 00:20:23,687 --> 00:20:27,077 And there'll be many thousands more, when the book hits the bestseller lists. 297 00:20:27,887 --> 00:20:31,277 - You mean you printed it? - In genuine pebbled calfskin. 298 00:20:32,247 --> 00:20:34,966 Egad! The man's more cunning than I thought. 299 00:20:35,047 --> 00:20:36,560 He's after more money. 300 00:20:36,807 --> 00:20:40,516 Gomez, just think, my work on the same shelves with 301 00:20:40,727 --> 00:20:45,517 - Plato, Shakespeare and Aristophanes. - Even Mickey Spillane. 302 00:20:47,047 --> 00:20:51,723 The advance sale has been tremendous. Schools are ordering books like hotcakes. 303 00:20:52,447 --> 00:20:54,597 You're sure you don't mean ordering hotcakes like books? 304 00:20:55,647 --> 00:20:59,003 Mrs. Addams, here is a contract for your next 10 books. 305 00:20:59,087 --> 00:21:02,477 Read it, sign it, get it back to me, and we're in business. 306 00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:05,877 - Thank you. - Well, toodle-oo. 307 00:21:07,607 --> 00:21:09,518 I never figured him for a toodle-ooer. 308 00:21:11,647 --> 00:21:14,286 Gomez, what perfidy is this? 309 00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:18,439 Is something wrong, my dear? 310 00:21:18,887 --> 00:21:21,355 Wrong? Listen to this title. 311 00:21:21,447 --> 00:21:25,520 A Treasury of Mean Witches, Evil Giants and Wicked Goblins, 312 00:21:25,607 --> 00:21:28,917 - and Other Bedtime Stories. - The censors'll never pass that. 313 00:21:29,687 --> 00:21:33,202 And listen to this! "Across the daisy-covered meadow, 314 00:21:33,327 --> 00:21:36,956 "the snarling, sniveling, slavering wolf slunk." 315 00:21:39,127 --> 00:21:41,687 - "Slinked"? - I felt that it should have been "slank." 316 00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:43,758 Slinked, slanked or slunked! 317 00:21:43,847 --> 00:21:48,762 That treacherous Mr. Boswell and his hired assassins have ruined my work. 318 00:21:48,847 --> 00:21:50,519 - The cad! - I'll shoot him in the back. 319 00:21:50,607 --> 00:21:53,041 - No, Fester, we can't go that far. - One bullet each? 320 00:21:53,127 --> 00:21:54,958 No, there will be no shooting. 321 00:21:56,247 --> 00:22:00,240 I have the soul of an artist, and I will not sell it for mere money. 322 00:22:02,927 --> 00:22:06,237 - Querida! You've given up writing. - For the time being. 323 00:22:06,327 --> 00:22:09,239 - The world isn't ready for good literature. - How true. 324 00:22:09,327 --> 00:22:12,637 The world isn't ready for you. But I'm more than ready. 325 00:22:15,207 --> 00:22:16,356 Tish... 326 00:22:17,407 --> 00:22:20,365 Next time you write a book, write it in French. 327 00:22:30,687 --> 00:22:33,281 - Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. - Children. 328 00:22:33,367 --> 00:22:35,119 - Hello, darlings. - Look at these books 329 00:22:35,207 --> 00:22:37,402 they gave us to read in school. 330 00:22:38,327 --> 00:22:42,957 A Treasury of Mean Witches, Evil Giants, Wicked Goblins 331 00:22:43,287 --> 00:22:46,962 and Other Bedtime Stories by Morticia Addams. 332 00:22:47,487 --> 00:22:49,637 Mother, how could you? 333 00:22:50,487 --> 00:22:52,239 Children, please, watch your language. 334 00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:54,636 Besides, your mother didn't write those, I did. 335 00:22:54,727 --> 00:22:56,046 Gomez, you? 336 00:22:56,927 --> 00:22:59,361 Children, please go play with your spiders. 337 00:23:00,927 --> 00:23:05,557 Cara, much as it hurt to rewrite those glorious phrases of yours, I had to do it. 338 00:23:05,687 --> 00:23:07,598 - And I know why. - You do? 339 00:23:07,687 --> 00:23:12,397 You wanted to prove that the only thing that publishers will print today is junk. 340 00:23:16,727 --> 00:23:18,001 Mail's in. 341 00:23:20,287 --> 00:23:21,606 Thank you, Thing. 342 00:23:22,487 --> 00:23:25,524 - It must be for me. - It is for you, Uncle Fester. 343 00:23:26,327 --> 00:23:28,716 - It's from my publisher. - Publisher? 344 00:23:29,207 --> 00:23:31,801 Yeah, I wrote a book. Forever Fester. 345 00:23:32,127 --> 00:23:35,961 And this fellow accepted it. And I only had to give him $5,000. 346 00:23:36,407 --> 00:23:39,479 And he didn't run off to Brazil or Europe, either. 347 00:23:41,447 --> 00:23:43,324 He skipped to Australia.