1
00:00:15,921 --> 00:00:17,968
Look at the state of her.

2
00:00:18,094 --> 00:00:20,983
- You look like a twat.
- Ta very much.

3
00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:48,636
Just tell me which door, lovey,
cos I'm late now for my restart

4
00:00:48,761 --> 00:00:50,693
- interview, it's any second.
- That door behind you.

5
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:54,516
Oh, my God, it's like
The Crystal Maze round here.

6
00:00:54,641 --> 00:00:56,714
That's fine.
Great. Ooh.

7
00:00:57,074 --> 00:00:58,794
Different vibe.

8
00:01:07,849 --> 00:01:09,200
Too hot.

9
00:01:10,877 --> 00:01:13,067
It's my own fault for cycling in fur.

10
00:01:14,057 --> 00:01:17,373
Fake fur.
I didn't kill a flamingo.

11
00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:19,147
I was panicking about the time,

12
00:01:19,273 --> 00:01:21,586
I had the fur on, I just got very flustered.

13
00:01:21,712 --> 00:01:23,383
But...

14
00:01:23,764 --> 00:01:28,081
What are you in for?
Are you looking for a job?

15
00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:30,140
Yeah.

16
00:01:33,950 --> 00:01:35,270
Oh, yeah.

17
00:01:39,227 --> 00:01:40,695
Ah, there's no cups.

18
00:01:45,951 --> 00:01:47,586
Alma Nuthall.

19
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,116
Yes, just one second.

20
00:01:54,834 --> 00:01:56,483
I've got to be honest, Carol,

21
00:01:56,609 --> 00:01:58,959
I've got no qualifications or
job experience,

22
00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:01,139
but I've got pizzazz, I've got charisma,

23
00:02:01,265 --> 00:02:02,733
and I think outside the box.

24
00:02:02,859 --> 00:02:06,040
I'm also capable of being in the box
at the same time. I can do both.

25
00:02:06,166 --> 00:02:08,971
- If you know what I mean.
- Not really, no.

26
00:02:09,097 --> 00:02:11,297
Why don't you have any qualifications?

27
00:02:12,658 --> 00:02:16,860
The truth is, for the first seven years
of my life I didn't even go to school.

28
00:02:16,986 --> 00:02:19,079
I had my own key by the age of five.

29
00:02:19,204 --> 00:02:21,373
Fed myself, clothed myself,

30
00:02:21,499 --> 00:02:23,013
ran my own schedule.

31
00:02:26,818 --> 00:02:28,479
Think Mowgli with a mullet.

32
00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:30,199
Ta, Pete.

33
00:02:30,466 --> 00:02:32,677
Think the baby from Trainspotting.

34
00:02:33,482 --> 00:02:35,168
If she'd lived.

35
00:02:35,294 --> 00:02:37,193
I was just never much of an academic.

36
00:02:37,319 --> 00:02:39,079
So what job experience have you got?

37
00:02:39,204 --> 00:02:41,234
Well, I actually want to be an actress.

38
00:02:41,524 --> 00:02:43,515
What job experience have you got?

39
00:02:44,069 --> 00:02:47,155
My boyfriend had his own business
and I used to help him out.

40
00:02:47,827 --> 00:02:49,846
But he recently left me, Carol.

41
00:02:50,241 --> 00:02:54,036
For a younger, not hotter, thank you,
but younger woman.

42
00:02:54,162 --> 00:02:56,119
- Has that ever happened to you?
- No, it hasn't.

43
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:59,076
Do you know what, I can tell you,
it's absolutely shit, Carol.

44
00:02:59,529 --> 00:03:02,521
He left me knowing full well that I
wouldn't be able to cover my rent this month.

45
00:03:02,646 --> 00:03:05,443
- Right, let's get back on track, eh?
- Yes.

46
00:03:07,302 --> 00:03:08,958
Your one looks nice.

47
00:03:09,201 --> 00:03:10,481
Safe.

48
00:03:10,962 --> 00:03:12,297
Meaty.

49
00:03:12,423 --> 00:03:14,903
You see, you've got your own weird
shit going on,

50
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:17,662
clearly,
and you've found someone who digs it.

51
00:03:18,254 --> 00:03:19,750
That's what I need.

52
00:03:20,146 --> 00:03:22,343
Somebody who actually
embraces my quirks.

53
00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:24,684
I'm sorry that you've had adifficult time.

54
00:03:24,810 --> 00:03:27,176
Our plan here is to get you back on track.

55
00:03:27,302 --> 00:03:29,020
Yes. And that's what I want.

56
00:03:29,146 --> 00:03:31,279
I just want to throw myself into a career.

57
00:03:31,404 --> 00:03:33,456
Forget men, I'm a career woman now.

58
00:03:33,582 --> 00:03:34,807
Here we go.

59
00:03:34,933 --> 00:03:37,096
- I have a job match for you.
- Fabulous.

60
00:03:37,222 --> 00:03:39,004
Sandwich artist at Sub and Go.

61
00:03:39,130 --> 00:03:42,285
Sandwich artist?
What am I doing, painting the sandwiches?

62
00:03:42,411 --> 00:03:46,121
No, making the sandwiches,
using a till, dealing with customers.

63
00:03:46,247 --> 00:03:49,395
- That's not what I want to do.
- You don't have many options, love.

64
00:03:50,145 --> 00:03:53,479
Well, actually, that's about to change,
Carol.

65
00:03:53,604 --> 00:03:57,034
I've just had an audition and it felt
very promising, I'll have you know.

66
00:03:57,198 --> 00:04:01,550
To stay on JSA, you need to be
actively seeking work, Miss Nuthall.

67
00:04:01,894 --> 00:04:04,404
Shall I put in an expression of interest?

68
00:04:07,355 --> 00:04:08,683
Shit.

69
00:04:10,948 --> 00:04:12,383
Mate, is everything OK?

70
00:04:12,516 --> 00:04:14,698
Don't talk to me, Adnan, I'm not here.

71
00:04:14,892 --> 00:04:16,355
- What?
- Not here.

72
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,285
- So do you still want the..?
- Sh-sh-sh-sh.

73
00:04:19,432 --> 00:04:21,547
Excuse me, mate.
Have you got any decks?

74
00:04:21,673 --> 00:04:24,153
- Yeah, just to the right, by the window.
- Nice one.

75
00:04:28,181 --> 00:04:30,157
- Alma.
- Oh, shit.

76
00:04:30,283 --> 00:04:31,884
This is the prick who left me.

77
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:35,555
I met him at a bus stop when I was 15,
thought he'd bring me the moon.

78
00:04:35,681 --> 00:04:37,625
Turned out he could only just spell it.

79
00:04:37,751 --> 00:04:39,302
What the fuck are you doing?

80
00:04:39,884 --> 00:04:42,961
I was just, erm, looking at these.

81
00:04:44,024 --> 00:04:45,898
- Jack leads?
- Yeah.

82
00:04:47,151 --> 00:04:48,853
For my...

83
00:04:49,072 --> 00:04:50,618
- For my...
- Amp.

84
00:04:50,868 --> 00:04:53,206
Amp, yeah. I've got an amp now.

85
00:04:53,939 --> 00:04:57,017
- You're fucking weird, you, you know.
- Oh, piss off.

86
00:04:57,143 --> 00:04:58,869
Anyway, you're the one who should be hiding.

87
00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:01,003
- So you were hiding.
- You owe me money.

88
00:05:01,129 --> 00:05:04,689
Fuck off.
You're just jealous cos I'm finally happy.

89
00:05:04,815 --> 00:05:07,922
Oh, yeah.
If happiness is shagging a teenager

90
00:05:08,048 --> 00:05:10,450
and moving back in with your mum,
then you're very welcome to it.

91
00:05:10,575 --> 00:05:13,580
Don't worry, Alma, love.
I'll shag you if you're desperate.

92
00:05:13,706 --> 00:05:15,301
Fuck off, you fat fuck.

93
00:05:16,707 --> 00:05:19,221
How am I supposed to pay my rent this month?

94
00:05:19,693 --> 00:05:21,401
It's not my problem any more.

95
00:05:21,934 --> 00:05:23,265
Lovely.

96
00:05:29,444 --> 00:05:31,315
Do you do store credit, Adnan?

97
00:05:45,771 --> 00:05:47,338
Quick, get in.

98
00:05:47,464 --> 00:05:49,259
This is Grandma Joan,

99
00:05:49,409 --> 00:05:53,369
a Silk Cut-smoking, vodka-drinking,
animal print-loving whirlwind.

100
00:05:54,451 --> 00:05:57,674
I went to live with Joan after
a stint in foster care.

101
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,206
She'd just got divorced
and chucked out the iron.

102
00:06:00,331 --> 00:06:03,439
She went to uni that year
and discovered feminism.

103
00:06:03,771 --> 00:06:07,304
I say "feminism"
I mean that in a very '90s way.

104
00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:10,680
She said the words "cock"
and "patriarchy" a lot.

105
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,697
The first thing she said to me when
I arrived was...

106
00:06:13,822 --> 00:06:16,265
Don't waste your life
ironing a man's clothes, Alma.

107
00:06:16,390 --> 00:06:19,244
His creases'll drop out but your
wrinkles won't.

108
00:06:19,657 --> 00:06:20,908
I was eight.

109
00:06:21,104 --> 00:06:22,837
Fried Spam on the go.

110
00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:32,030
Just seen Anthony. Shouting at me in
the middle of a shop, can you believe that?

111
00:06:32,156 --> 00:06:33,905
Yes, I can, he's a fuck.

112
00:06:34,554 --> 00:06:36,983
Oh, this Spam is fabulous.

113
00:06:37,109 --> 00:06:38,342
Aldi's own.

114
00:06:38,468 --> 00:06:40,030
Do you know, I wake up craving it.

115
00:06:40,156 --> 00:06:42,155
It calls my name from the kitchen cupboard,

116
00:06:42,281 --> 00:06:45,276
"Joan, Joan..."
Oh, God, look at the state of me.

117
00:06:45,910 --> 00:06:49,076
- Starting to look like Nicolas Cage.
- No.

118
00:06:49,550 --> 00:06:51,255
Just a bit droopy here.

119
00:06:52,052 --> 00:06:53,379
Sod off.

120
00:06:53,505 --> 00:06:55,137
The rest of your skin's dead fresh.

121
00:06:55,263 --> 00:06:57,966
Yeah, I know. I read an article
about the benefits of steam rooms

122
00:06:58,091 --> 00:07:01,942
on your skin, so every morning I've started
sticking me head in the kettle.

123
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:04,225
I don't think that's the same, Grandma.

124
00:07:04,350 --> 00:07:06,728
I've lost years round me eyes, look.

125
00:07:08,144 --> 00:07:09,504
Right.

126
00:07:12,785 --> 00:07:14,675
I'm going to see Mum today.

127
00:07:15,672 --> 00:07:17,168
You can always come with me.

128
00:07:17,355 --> 00:07:18,667
Don't start.

129
00:07:19,350 --> 00:07:21,225
She's really struggling, Grandma.

130
00:07:21,350 --> 00:07:24,544
- I think she really needs us.
- Yeah, and what about what I need?

131
00:07:24,670 --> 00:07:27,065
- Nobody cares about that, do they?
- All right, chill out.

132
00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:29,865
No, she stole the best years of my life,
your mother.

133
00:07:29,990 --> 00:07:32,125
Has she ever apologised?
Has she fuck.

134
00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:34,310
I don't want to talk about it.

135
00:07:36,297 --> 00:07:38,694
- How's her ears?
- What?

136
00:07:38,820 --> 00:07:41,265
Well, they get very cold, don't they?

137
00:07:41,570 --> 00:07:43,345
They stick out too much, that's why.

138
00:07:43,470 --> 00:07:46,070
Oh, yeah.
I think they're fine, Grandma.

139
00:07:46,350 --> 00:07:47,645
Good.

140
00:07:48,351 --> 00:07:50,231
Well, let's leave it at that, then.

141
00:07:52,421 --> 00:07:54,584
- Can I pinch a fag?
- 80p.

142
00:07:54,710 --> 00:07:56,179
I don't have 80p, I'm skint.

143
00:07:56,305 --> 00:07:59,785
It's about time you got a proper job.
I've worked all my life,

144
00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:03,401
always on me feet.
I've got bunions the size of me fist.

145
00:08:03,527 --> 00:08:05,230
I don't want to go into
your bunions right now.

146
00:08:05,355 --> 00:08:07,284
Dreaming's not going to get you anywhere.

147
00:08:07,410 --> 00:08:09,894
That's not going to put Spam
on the table, is it?

148
00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:26,945
This is my best mate, Leanne.

149
00:08:27,070 --> 00:08:29,437
She came to Bolton for a fling
she met online

150
00:08:29,563 --> 00:08:32,071
but ended up staying because the locals
can't get enough of her.

151
00:08:32,196 --> 00:08:34,375
They find my accent exotic.

152
00:08:35,030 --> 00:08:37,105
She has the mannerisms of a truck driver

153
00:08:37,230 --> 00:08:39,584
and the rock and roll sex appeal of
Debbie Harry.

154
00:08:39,710 --> 00:08:42,108
It's quite something.
She's never without a shag.

155
00:08:43,241 --> 00:08:45,216
Bill, I'm going for a fag.

156
00:08:45,342 --> 00:08:47,639
Crack on with the mallet, mate,
my arm's ragging.

157
00:08:47,765 --> 00:08:49,105
You've already had your break.

158
00:08:49,230 --> 00:08:50,944
Don't be a dick.
Be back in a minute.

159
00:08:51,688 --> 00:08:53,335
I'm your boss, remember?

160
00:08:53,461 --> 00:08:54,875
Fuck's sake.

161
00:08:55,548 --> 00:08:56,783
All right.

162
00:08:56,969 --> 00:08:58,545
What is that?

163
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:00,626
Can I leave it here?
It keeps falling off me bike.

164
00:09:00,751 --> 00:09:03,252
You need to watch your spending, you.
You got a problem.

165
00:09:03,378 --> 00:09:04,422
No, I don't.

166
00:09:04,548 --> 00:09:06,430
Why don't you leave it
next to your trampoline?

167
00:09:06,555 --> 00:09:07,868
It's not a trampoline,

168
00:09:08,470 --> 00:09:10,387
it's a Fit Bounce Pro.

169
00:09:11,070 --> 00:09:12,745
Very good for getting fit.

170
00:09:12,956 --> 00:09:14,351
Athletes use them.

171
00:09:14,477 --> 00:09:16,265
So listen, I need to...

172
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,105
I do need to use it more, though, don't I?

173
00:09:18,230 --> 00:09:20,516
Use it more?
You used it once.

174
00:09:20,642 --> 00:09:22,961
I should just use it when I pop round.

175
00:09:23,375 --> 00:09:26,227
A sort of tone up and a chat session.

176
00:09:26,675 --> 00:09:29,264
What's going on with you?
You're in one of your manic moods.

177
00:09:29,389 --> 00:09:31,777
I'm not in a manic mood.
No, I'm in a thoughtful mood.

178
00:09:31,903 --> 00:09:34,059
I'm thinking, "Oh, I've got no job,

179
00:09:34,185 --> 00:09:36,253
"no boyfriend, a flat I can't afford,

180
00:09:36,379 --> 00:09:37,945
"a trampoline I don't bounce on

181
00:09:38,070 --> 00:09:39,534
"and a boom box I don't need."

182
00:09:39,660 --> 00:09:41,862
But I'm fine. I am absolutely...

183
00:09:42,589 --> 00:09:44,046
I'm absolutely fine.

184
00:09:45,684 --> 00:09:47,265
I think it's my audition.

185
00:09:47,390 --> 00:09:48,871
Right, OK.

186
00:09:50,544 --> 00:09:51,780
Hello?

187
00:09:52,950 --> 00:09:54,605
Yes, this is I.

188
00:09:55,030 --> 00:09:57,406
Right, yes.
Yeah, for the...

189
00:09:58,104 --> 00:09:59,304
Yeah.

190
00:10:00,026 --> 00:10:01,226
Yeah.

191
00:10:01,430 --> 00:10:02,630
Great.

192
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:04,465
Thank you very much.

193
00:10:04,719 --> 00:10:05,962
Goodbye.

194
00:10:06,742 --> 00:10:08,297
Didn't get it.

195
00:10:08,617 --> 00:10:10,562
That's proper shit, I'm sorry, babe.

196
00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:14,474
I'm destined for a life of bunions, Leanne.

197
00:10:16,535 --> 00:10:18,583
And I'm fucking skint as well.

198
00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:20,500
Fuck's sake, Alma.

199
00:10:21,390 --> 00:10:23,874
You need to get some money off
Anthony to tide you over.

200
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,425
- He owes you after running off like that.
- Yeah.

201
00:10:27,872 --> 00:10:29,083
Yeah.

202
00:10:30,021 --> 00:10:32,356
Yeah, to be honest, you're right, actually.
I am.

203
00:10:32,482 --> 00:10:33,985
- Yeah.
- I am.

204
00:10:34,110 --> 00:10:35,720
- He does, doesn't he, though?
- Yes.

205
00:10:35,846 --> 00:10:37,304
Yeah.
He's a fucking prick.

206
00:10:37,430 --> 00:10:38,945
- He is a prick.
- Yes.

207
00:10:39,070 --> 00:10:40,273
Do you know what, fuck him.

208
00:10:40,399 --> 00:10:42,414
- Fuck him. Fuck him.
- Say it with me now.

209
00:10:42,540 --> 00:10:44,745
- No more bullshit.
- No more bullshit.

210
00:10:44,870 --> 00:10:47,281
No-more-fucking-bull-shit.

211
00:10:47,407 --> 00:10:50,430
Give me some fucking money and fuck off.

212
00:10:52,481 --> 00:10:55,081
Well, that didn't go according to plan,
did it?

213
00:10:58,230 --> 00:11:00,120
I think my knob's getting bigger.

214
00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:03,121
Do you think it is?

215
00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:05,030
I mean...

216
00:11:06,670 --> 00:11:08,230
Have you trimmed your pubes?

217
00:11:08,356 --> 00:11:12,105
Yeah, but it's not that,
it's like it's just got more...

218
00:11:17,279 --> 00:11:19,490
_

219
00:11:22,436 --> 00:11:24,701
You're going to have to go in a minute.

220
00:11:26,350 --> 00:11:28,470
I need some money, Anthony.

221
00:11:39,854 --> 00:11:41,169
There.

222
00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:43,605
500 quid for your rent.
Now you need to go.

223
00:11:43,731 --> 00:11:46,185
Alma, love, made you a brew down here.

224
00:11:46,310 --> 00:11:47,585
Ta, Viv.

225
00:11:47,710 --> 00:11:49,225
How does she know it was me?

226
00:11:49,350 --> 00:11:51,025
Well, you're loud, aren't you?

227
00:11:51,150 --> 00:11:52,425
God.

228
00:11:52,718 --> 00:11:56,705
So tell me, Paul, what do the viewers
at home need to know about bread?

229
00:11:56,830 --> 00:12:00,003
Well, Sue, every home is improved
by home-made bread.

230
00:12:00,129 --> 00:12:02,960
You know, making bread in your own kitchen
is much more satisfying...

231
00:12:03,085 --> 00:12:05,842
- Have you ever baked bread?
- Have I fuck.

232
00:12:06,710 --> 00:12:09,116
I once bought a loaf
that wasn't sliced, though

233
00:12:09,397 --> 00:12:12,066
- How was it?
- Hard work.

234
00:12:13,257 --> 00:12:15,796
You need to go.
Melanie's going to come back any minute.

235
00:12:15,922 --> 00:12:18,429
- Let her finish her brew.
- She needs to go.

236
00:12:18,555 --> 00:12:21,263
- Don't you start with that temper of yours.
- Oh, for f...

237
00:12:21,389 --> 00:12:23,951
I'm surprised she wants to be
anywhere near you after...

238
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:27,316
Whatever you do,
do not under-bake a sourdough.

239
00:12:27,442 --> 00:12:29,534
Who gives a fuck, Paul?

240
00:12:35,772 --> 00:12:37,073
Here she is,

241
00:12:37,230 --> 00:12:38,601
Melanie,

242
00:12:38,727 --> 00:12:42,725
looking fabulous. Men never leave
you for someone older, fatter,

243
00:12:42,851 --> 00:12:44,804
more knackered-looking, do they?

244
00:12:45,382 --> 00:12:47,570
She's no idea what hell she's in for.

245
00:12:48,914 --> 00:12:51,053
It's Viv I miss the most.

246
00:12:51,179 --> 00:12:53,460
Everything's always like clockwork with Viv.

247
00:12:53,586 --> 00:12:56,186
She gets up at the same time,
sits in the same chair,

248
00:12:56,312 --> 00:12:58,077
eats the same discount biscuits

249
00:12:58,203 --> 00:13:00,447
and heckles at the same TV programmes.

250
00:13:00,573 --> 00:13:02,825
Every day.
It's reliable.

251
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,343
Comforting.

252
00:13:04,721 --> 00:13:06,676
My mum's mothing like Viv.

253
00:13:08,848 --> 00:13:11,739
She's a drug addict so she's never
been too good at the mum stuff.

254
00:13:11,903 --> 00:13:14,496
She tried once,
decided to cook me breakfast.

255
00:13:14,622 --> 00:13:15,825
It was a disaster.

256
00:13:15,951 --> 00:13:19,192
How do you know when it's cooked?
It looks the fucking same.

257
00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:21,075
To be fair, it does.

258
00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:28,806
Hiya, Mum, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm on my way.

259
00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:43,426
Great, you're here.

260
00:13:43,669 --> 00:13:45,345
I've got something for you.

261
00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:48,004
Oh, you've joined the art class.
Good.

262
00:13:50,544 --> 00:13:52,255
It's about society.

263
00:13:52,381 --> 00:13:55,259
Here she is, my mum,
the Iggy Pop of the psych ward.

264
00:13:55,385 --> 00:13:56,885
She was a punk in her youth.

265
00:13:57,011 --> 00:13:59,265
But it's hard to maintain
when you're over 40

266
00:13:59,390 --> 00:14:01,595
and shop exclusively on Bury Market.

267
00:14:01,721 --> 00:14:03,267
She loves ornament pixies too.

268
00:14:03,393 --> 00:14:07,181
If she'd discovered those before heroin,
we could have had a very different life.

269
00:14:07,390 --> 00:14:09,625
Right.
Yes.

270
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,371
That's definitely...

271
00:14:11,838 --> 00:14:13,905
Definitely bigger than the last one,
isn't it?

272
00:14:14,030 --> 00:14:16,272
- A Nought.
- Yeah.

273
00:14:18,193 --> 00:14:19,745
Bloody hell, Jim.

274
00:14:19,870 --> 00:14:21,896
Be quiet making a racket.

275
00:14:22,022 --> 00:14:24,522
We shouldn't get these again,
they're not happening.

276
00:14:24,648 --> 00:14:25,968
I can't chew 'em.

277
00:14:26,094 --> 00:14:28,648
This is Mum's boyfriend, Jim.

278
00:14:28,774 --> 00:14:30,663
He's a schizophrenic with a heart of gold.

279
00:14:30,789 --> 00:14:33,069
They met on a ward 20 years ago.

280
00:14:33,195 --> 00:14:34,985
He's never taken drugs in his life

281
00:14:35,110 --> 00:14:38,065
but they got on like a house on fire
because they've both got no teeth.

282
00:14:38,190 --> 00:14:40,778
It was like watching two elastic bands
have a conversation.

283
00:14:40,934 --> 00:14:43,185
They've had them done on NHS now.

284
00:14:43,310 --> 00:14:44,848
Jim's still struggling with his.

285
00:14:44,974 --> 00:14:47,025
There you go, it's all there.

286
00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:49,735
We'll just have to check that
before you leave with it.

287
00:14:49,861 --> 00:14:51,259
For fuck's sake.

288
00:14:51,385 --> 00:14:54,425
I'm not armed and dangerous
with a bag of jelly babies, am I?

289
00:14:54,550 --> 00:14:56,198
- Mum, it's all right.
- It's like a

290
00:14:56,324 --> 00:14:59,815
fucking guinea pig farm in here.
I shouldn't be here.

291
00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:02,465
My mum has drug-induced psychosis,
which means

292
00:15:02,591 --> 00:15:04,762
sometimes she likes to set things on fire.

293
00:15:07,388 --> 00:15:09,395
This time it was Jim's place.

294
00:15:18,904 --> 00:15:21,230
Bloody hell, Lin, what have you done?

295
00:15:22,230 --> 00:15:24,742
How am I going to make beans on toast?

296
00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:27,825
Apparently, it's pretty common
for women with psychosis.

297
00:15:27,950 --> 00:15:30,993
Men attack women, women attack buildings.

298
00:15:31,119 --> 00:15:34,884
I suppose you could read it as Mum's
way of setting the patriarchy alight.

299
00:15:36,111 --> 00:15:38,306
Or maybe she just fucking loves fire.

300
00:15:38,432 --> 00:15:40,823
I shouldn't be here.
I should be somewhere else like Rhyl,

301
00:15:40,948 --> 00:15:43,657
in a caravan park, having a nice time,

302
00:15:43,783 --> 00:15:46,439
not here with a load of fucking nutters.

303
00:15:49,588 --> 00:15:52,198
Oh, bloody hell, Mum,
you'd think you'd been down t'mines.

304
00:15:53,241 --> 00:15:54,987
Shall we go for a fag?

305
00:15:58,033 --> 00:16:01,225
I can't stand it here.
They're all bloody nutters.

306
00:16:01,350 --> 00:16:02,625
I know, Mum.

307
00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:04,265
And nobody visits.

308
00:16:04,390 --> 00:16:05,776
I'm here, aren't I?

309
00:16:06,769 --> 00:16:08,905
Oh, yeah, well,
thanks for your guest appearance.

310
00:16:09,030 --> 00:16:11,145
I'll see you again in 2050.

311
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,901
Jim's here every day.

312
00:16:13,027 --> 00:16:14,737
Mum, I was here last week.

313
00:16:17,066 --> 00:16:18,860
Grandma bloody wasn't, was she?

314
00:16:18,986 --> 00:16:20,466
It's been years.

315
00:16:22,808 --> 00:16:25,105
So maybe next time
we can use some of your leave

316
00:16:25,230 --> 00:16:27,110
to go somewhere a bit nicer.

317
00:16:31,706 --> 00:16:34,705
Council won't sort us out
with another flat, you know.

318
00:16:34,830 --> 00:16:37,797
Jim's been sleeping on t'floor
at Scabby Joe's.

319
00:16:37,923 --> 00:16:39,651
It's not comfy.

320
00:16:42,011 --> 00:16:44,425
So can I come and live with you
when they release me?

321
00:16:44,551 --> 00:16:45,751
No.

322
00:16:48,401 --> 00:16:49,619
I mean...

323
00:16:50,253 --> 00:16:52,768
My flat's only small and I'm skint myself.

324
00:16:55,590 --> 00:16:57,861
I'm not being funny, Mum,
but you're an arsonist.

325
00:16:58,306 --> 00:16:59,805
It were an accident.

326
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:01,158
You killed the cat.

327
00:17:02,401 --> 00:17:03,970
Peace be with you.

328
00:17:06,369 --> 00:17:08,344
- Is he new?
- Yeah.

329
00:17:09,806 --> 00:17:11,486
Thinks he's Jesus.

330
00:17:11,847 --> 00:17:13,058
Another one?

331
00:17:14,314 --> 00:17:18,376
Yeah. I told him,
"You're no son of mine."

332
00:17:28,921 --> 00:17:31,279
What the hell is that?

333
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:34,444
Mum's latest artwork.

334
00:17:35,022 --> 00:17:36,873
Slash psychosis.

335
00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:39,986
Oh, thank fuck for that.

336
00:17:42,310 --> 00:17:44,185
You know Ann with the lazy eye?

337
00:17:44,310 --> 00:17:46,930
- Oh, yeah, Winky Ann.
- She's doing all right, you know.

338
00:17:47,056 --> 00:17:49,103
She just bought a flat in Bury with a garage.

339
00:17:49,229 --> 00:17:50,876
- Bought it?
- Yeah.

340
00:17:51,002 --> 00:17:52,259
- With a garage?
- Yeah.

341
00:17:52,385 --> 00:17:54,838
- Bought it?
- Yeah, with a garage.

342
00:17:55,230 --> 00:17:56,705
You know why, don't you?

343
00:17:56,830 --> 00:17:59,745
She just started escorting in Manchester.

344
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,269
No way.

345
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,302
- Surprised she gets the work with that eye.
- She's had it fixed.

346
00:18:05,428 --> 00:18:07,302
I heard she earns £250 an hour.

347
00:18:07,701 --> 00:18:09,568
God.
Bloody hell.

348
00:18:10,037 --> 00:18:11,958
I'm on £7.50.

349
00:18:12,357 --> 00:18:14,840
- And you've got to wear that hat.
- I know.

350
00:18:14,966 --> 00:18:16,731
God, if you were an escort,

351
00:18:16,857 --> 00:18:19,161
go in, one hour, slap a man on the balls,

352
00:18:19,287 --> 00:18:21,637
pretend to be his mother,
250 quid, you'd be done.

353
00:18:22,746 --> 00:18:24,246
I couldn't do it, though.

354
00:18:24,372 --> 00:18:25,985
No, me neither.

355
00:18:26,110 --> 00:18:27,762
Not with my depressed left breast.

356
00:18:27,888 --> 00:18:31,221
Everyone's got one low-energy breast.
Mine's got a hair on it.

357
00:18:31,347 --> 00:18:33,141
Me too.
Black.

358
00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:34,587
Wiry.

359
00:18:37,578 --> 00:18:38,890
So listen...

360
00:18:40,705 --> 00:18:42,296
I need to talk to you.

361
00:18:44,310 --> 00:18:48,436
So, Ann came in the caff yesterday,
she starts chatting to me,

362
00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:51,585
and she tells me that apparently...

363
00:18:52,584 --> 00:18:53,897
Melanie's pregnant.

364
00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:55,630
And they're keeping it.

365
00:18:58,866 --> 00:19:00,311
What the fuck?

366
00:19:01,366 --> 00:19:02,586
I know.

367
00:19:06,070 --> 00:19:08,291
- I just don't understand, because I...
- Listen.

368
00:19:08,417 --> 00:19:10,913
This is the best thing that
could have happened to you.

369
00:19:11,039 --> 00:19:12,873
Now you can finally move on.

370
00:19:13,813 --> 00:19:15,640
To where?
To what?

371
00:19:23,601 --> 00:19:24,932
Ooft, no.

372
00:19:28,719 --> 00:19:30,439
Shall we get shit-faced?

373
00:19:32,037 --> 00:19:33,311
Karaoke night.

374
00:19:33,818 --> 00:19:35,625
No, I should probably go home.

375
00:19:36,289 --> 00:19:37,507
Got an early...

376
00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:03,043
All right, ladies and gents, it's Leanne.

377
00:20:04,459 --> 00:20:05,762
She's phenomenal.

378
00:20:33,225 --> 00:20:35,073
It's really over.

379
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,118
He's having a baby.

380
00:20:42,556 --> 00:20:44,276
They're having a family.

381
00:20:44,862 --> 00:20:46,621
They're a family now.

382
00:20:47,809 --> 00:20:49,665
And I'm on me own.

383
00:20:52,071 --> 00:20:54,710
I'm completely alone, Glen.

384
00:20:57,118 --> 00:20:58,612
It's Geoff.

385
00:20:59,033 --> 00:21:01,185
That doesn't suit you at all, Glen.

386
00:21:09,408 --> 00:21:12,180
You absolutely smashed that song, babe.

387
00:21:12,306 --> 00:21:13,650
I know.

388
00:21:14,156 --> 00:21:16,631
I think it's my raw sexual energy.

389
00:21:17,138 --> 00:21:18,573
So did you.

390
00:21:18,699 --> 00:21:20,806
Grace of a swan, as always.

391
00:21:21,830 --> 00:21:24,536
- Hi, babes.
- Hello, ladies.

392
00:21:24,708 --> 00:21:26,783
Oh, Glen, I'm not going to shag you.

393
00:21:27,198 --> 00:21:28,758
Fair enough.

394
00:21:34,366 --> 00:21:35,585
Look.

395
00:21:35,710 --> 00:21:37,103
There's Winky Ann.

396
00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:39,266
Bloody hell, you're right.

397
00:21:39,430 --> 00:21:41,506
God, her eye looks great.

398
00:21:41,768 --> 00:21:43,203
Yeah, good investment, that.

399
00:21:44,710 --> 00:21:47,506
Oh, I need my own money, me.

400
00:21:47,950 --> 00:21:50,865
No, I'm going to sort everything out
now I'm on me own.

401
00:21:50,990 --> 00:21:54,025
And I'm going to get some acting work
and I'm going to

402
00:21:54,150 --> 00:21:56,988
sort my family out,
and then I'm going to get a real job.

403
00:21:57,114 --> 00:21:59,825
You know, I'm going to learn Spanish...

404
00:21:59,950 --> 00:22:01,745
I think I'm going to start tap-dancing.

405
00:22:01,870 --> 00:22:04,937
Maybe just start with a job first, eh?

406
00:22:05,063 --> 00:22:06,304
Yeah.

407
00:22:06,790 --> 00:22:10,150
- Doing what?
- Well, what skills do you have?

408
00:22:12,110 --> 00:22:16,105
I can hold a three-litre bottle of cider
under my left tit with no hands.

409
00:22:20,283 --> 00:22:22,638
I don't think that's
a transferable skill, babe.

410
00:22:22,764 --> 00:22:24,332
You'd be surprised.

411
00:22:28,990 --> 00:22:30,897
You look like shit.

412
00:22:31,023 --> 00:22:32,882
- Are you all right?
- Not really, no.

413
00:22:33,190 --> 00:22:36,425
Anthony's having a baby
with his foetus of a girlfriend.

414
00:22:36,550 --> 00:22:38,336
I can't afford my rent.

415
00:22:38,462 --> 00:22:40,033
Mum's a mess.

416
00:22:40,159 --> 00:22:41,979
I'm hanging out my arse.

417
00:22:45,143 --> 00:22:46,885
You tried feng "suey"?

418
00:22:47,088 --> 00:22:49,745
- What?
- You move all your furniture around

419
00:22:49,870 --> 00:22:51,865
and it gets rid of the negative vibes.

420
00:22:51,990 --> 00:22:53,326
I did it with that cake tin.

421
00:22:53,452 --> 00:22:55,991
See, it used to be over there.
It was very oppressive.

422
00:22:56,117 --> 00:22:59,870
I don't think moving a fucking cake
tin's going to cut it, Grandma.

423
00:23:02,347 --> 00:23:03,960
It does look good, though.

424
00:23:06,670 --> 00:23:07,911
Listen,

425
00:23:08,037 --> 00:23:09,968
I've booked a trip for Mum today.

426
00:23:10,094 --> 00:23:13,110
I'm going to use some of her leave
to take her to Queen's Park.

427
00:23:13,928 --> 00:23:16,248
And I'd really love it if you came with me.

428
00:23:17,803 --> 00:23:19,647
No. No.
How dare you ask?

429
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,294
Look, please.

430
00:23:22,150 --> 00:23:25,741
I think we need to be better
at trying to be some sort of a family.

431
00:23:26,297 --> 00:23:27,967
I know that's what I need.

432
00:23:29,860 --> 00:23:32,024
I really want you to come with me today.

433
00:23:33,039 --> 00:23:34,305
I bought pasties.

434
00:23:35,670 --> 00:23:37,407
- Have you?
- Yeah.

435
00:23:38,335 --> 00:23:39,901
Ye Olde's as well.

436
00:23:42,344 --> 00:23:45,555
But you can't have any
unless you come with me today.

437
00:23:48,016 --> 00:23:50,141
That is very manipulative of you.

438
00:23:51,047 --> 00:23:53,086
Yeah.
I know.

439
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:14,492
Bloody hell.

440
00:24:16,105 --> 00:24:18,369
You finally made it after five years.

441
00:24:18,495 --> 00:24:20,550
What happened, did you get lost?

442
00:24:22,987 --> 00:24:24,284
I bought you these.

443
00:24:24,410 --> 00:24:26,073
What the bloody hell are them?

444
00:24:26,199 --> 00:24:28,666
Are you trying to make me
look like a goblin, or what?

445
00:24:30,778 --> 00:24:33,178
I think you do that
quite successfully yourself.

446
00:24:37,231 --> 00:24:38,432
Here.

447
00:25:03,425 --> 00:25:04,990
Right, who's hungry?

448
00:25:13,088 --> 00:25:15,112
Is there owt soft in there?

449
00:25:15,679 --> 00:25:17,120
I can't do crusts.

450
00:25:17,246 --> 00:25:18,545
There you go.

451
00:26:13,390 --> 00:26:15,339
Feng fucking "suey".

452
00:26:48,030 --> 00:26:51,720
Hello there, erm, I'm interested in
working for your company...

453
00:26:53,081 --> 00:26:56,466
I'm a hard worker,
I'm great with people and...

454
00:26:57,060 --> 00:26:59,576
Yeah.
Yeah.

455
00:27:00,076 --> 00:27:01,849
I know someone who does it.

456
00:27:01,975 --> 00:27:03,740
I'm aware it's sex.

457
00:27:04,005 --> 00:27:08,605
Sync and corrections: minouhse
www.addic7ed.com