1 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,519 You're so naughty! 2 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,559 Hello! I... I don't know why they did that! 3 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:35,679 Dennis, you know if I was there, it would have been different! 4 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,599 Gorgeous. 5 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,159 She'll be with you by 8pm. 6 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:41,680 All right, darling. All right, bye-bye. 7 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,119 Hello. Take a seat. 8 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:46,599 Fabulous. 9 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:50,279 Oh, it's a fabulous place, this, in't it? 10 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,959 So. Alma, is it? 11 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,479 Yes. Yeah, we'll need to change that. 12 00:00:55,480 --> 00:01:00,119 You need something that says "girl next door" or "exotic beauty". 13 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,999 Not "I'm odd". 14 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,239 Hmm. 15 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,839 Well, actually, Alma means soulful in Latin and I've always... 16 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,959 Ruby. That works. 17 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,319 Right, OK, I don't know, can I not try something a bit more exotic? 18 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:14,239 No. No? All right. 19 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,079 So, I know we spoke on the phone, 20 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,199 but I want to be very clear with you. 21 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:22,559 There's a myth that it's escorting lonely gentlemen out to dinner. 22 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,279 It's not. 23 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:25,919 It is sex. 24 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,079 Yes. But the money's great. 25 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,759 I mean, I used to be an escort, and look at me now, babes. 26 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:32,559 Run three businesses, own two homes. 27 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,359 Mm! Yeah. 28 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,879 And I made a fuckload off bitcoin, so... 29 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,959 Fabulous. 30 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,440 I know. 31 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,119 So what do escorts wear, then? Do you know, I don't know. 32 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:55,039 I suppose I need something that says I'm classy, sophisticated... 33 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,919 And I'll shag you for money. Exactly. 34 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,119 What did Billie Piper wear in Secret Diary Of A Call Girl? 35 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,840 A suit, I think. 36 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,639 She wears a suit to go have sex? 37 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:07,639 That looks good. 38 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,359 Are you sure you want to do this? 39 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:10,879 Yes, I am. 40 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,479 Do you know, at first it was just about the money 41 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,919 and then the more I thought about it, I realised I'm actually 42 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,239 up for all of it. 43 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,119 I've not had a shag since Anthony. 44 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,319 Just go on Tinder, like a normal person. 45 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,399 God, Tinder, round here? No, ta. 46 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,639 Do you know, I've only ever slept with local fuckwits? 47 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,799 I want to see the world, Leanne. 48 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:32,359 I want to see what other cocks the world has got to offer. 49 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,240 As far as romance goes, I've not had the most desirable back catalogue. 50 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,079 Me and Anthony spent most of our time fighting, shouting 51 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,879 and shagging for the first few years. 52 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,440 It was strangely thrilling. Then it just stopped. 53 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,479 He started requesting sexual favours 54 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,479 as casually as asking for a brew. 55 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:55,840 Can I bum you tonight? 56 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,519 You'll have to be quick - 57 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,200 Strictly's on. 58 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,039 All right, well, come on, put the biscuits down, 59 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,520 get your knickers off, let's be having you. 60 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,480 That's not bad at all, that. 61 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,000 What a charmer, eh? 62 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,199 Listen, this is a fresh start for me, and I'm up for it. 63 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,959 I'm going to have a fuckload of money 64 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,519 and lots of new, exciting sexual adventures. 65 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:28,839 Without the heartbreak. 66 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,880 Becoming a prostitute is the world's worst rebound, Alma. 67 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,719 Oh, God, do I look OK? I feel odd. 68 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,479 God, I think I'm sweating. 69 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,839 Do I look clammy to you? 70 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,759 There's a fine line, in't there, between glow and clam? 71 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,399 I just need to relax. 72 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,279 I feel like a fish. 73 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:51,119 Listen, love. I've driven loads of girls on their first job. 74 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,919 It's going to be fine. Trust. 75 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,799 Yeah, yeah, you're right, aren't you? Yeah. 76 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,679 I'm just a sexy, fabulous woman of the world 77 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,200 making some money, some moolah. 78 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,519 You are a goddess. 79 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,120 You are a sensual woman of the world. 80 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,519 Ready. 81 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,479 When you go in, just walk with purpose and confidence 82 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,479 past the ushers and the reception. 83 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:16,559 Don't hesitate. 84 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,399 Purpose, confidence. 85 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,039 Purpose and confidence. Purpose and confidence. 86 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,759 Purpose and confidence. 87 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,599 Sexy bitch. Sexy bit... I don't feel like a sexy bitch. 88 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,239 Shit. 89 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,479 I feel like a fish. Oh, God, fuck. Sexy fish. Fuck. 90 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:31,959 OK. Fuck. 91 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,719 Come on, be a sexy fish! OK. 92 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,759 All right, then. 93 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,439 Can I help you? 94 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,359 Er... Are you a guest? 95 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,959 No, I just need a wee. 96 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,199 Library, just across the road. 97 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,080 OK. Ta. 98 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,199 The fuck is she doing?! 99 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,159 Well, you're just going to have to get yourself a normal job, 100 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,839 then, aren't you? Ooh. 101 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:15,519 No, I don't think I'm meant for normal working life, me, Leanne. 102 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:18,960 I feel like I've been born in the wrong social bracket. 103 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,239 I should have been a baroness 104 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,559 or a Kardashian. 105 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,399 What about that job in SubNGo? 106 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,999 I'm unemployable, Leanne. 107 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,759 Yeah, that's true. 108 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,959 I love you, Alma, but even I wouldn't employ you. Hm. 109 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:36,039 Bill, would you employ Alma? 110 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,719 No, I bloody wouldn't. 111 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:41,479 I wouldn't employ you either if I had the choice again. 112 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,399 Oi, that's very hurtful. 113 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,880 I bring a lot to the table. 114 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,239 That's a point, though. 115 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,839 You don't have to tell the truth when you're applying for a job. 116 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,399 Do you not? I told Bill that I had a degree 117 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,759 in hospitality management. 118 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,559 Yeah, I were 'oodwinked. 119 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,039 By the time he'd found out my entire CV was a lie, 120 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,639 I'd already won him over with my magnetic personality. 121 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,999 Mm! Ooh, I could pretend to be your employer reference. 122 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,640 I had my cousin's boyfriend's dad pretend to be mine. 123 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,879 I were on t'phone with him for half an hour. 124 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,679 Cheeky bastard. 125 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,199 It wasn't just about the money, though. 126 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,199 I wanted the sex and adventure. 127 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,199 You know, I could see myself whizzing through the city 128 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,759 of Manchester with money. 129 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,439 Sex And The City style, you know? 130 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:30,040 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Sexy. You know? 131 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,399 What you doing? Hang on a sec. 132 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:34,999 No! Hang on! 133 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,519 What you up...? No, give it back now. Wait, wait! Oi! 134 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,079 There you go. 135 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,679 You've got a Tinder profile now. 136 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,199 Oh, for fuck's sake. 137 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,839 That is all the sex and adventure you need. 138 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:47,359 Is it? Yeah, it's wild out there. 139 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,759 Trust me. 140 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,320 I got sent this... before breakfast. 141 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:54,760 Oh, God. 142 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,319 What IS that? 143 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,959 We're not sure, are we, Bill? 144 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,239 I don't want to talk about that... picture again, Leanne. 145 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,999 He's too soft for it. 146 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,279 You've got to be brave to weather the sexual storm of Tinder. 147 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,039 Tinned what? Tinder. 148 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,079 Online dating. Online dating? 149 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,599 You don't need to do that shite. 150 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,759 You just need to find someone who digs your bag of weird. 151 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,399 Don't you, Jim? 152 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,839 Oh... He's not who I thought 153 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,239 I'd end up with. 154 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,840 I thought I'd be with someone like Sid Vicious, me. 155 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,199 He smokes too much for a start, 156 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,560 and then his lack of self-esteem affects his posture. 157 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,759 It does, yeah. But we're happy as clams, 158 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,639 aren't we, Jim? As clams, yeah, Lin. 159 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,839 So tell me more about this Tinny. 160 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,599 Well, you can request a dick pic. 161 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,959 Apparently it's a dead normal thing to ask. 162 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,159 Really? Yeah. 163 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,559 What, like a... 164 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,319 ..try before you buy? 165 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:52,680 Yeah. 166 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,119 Oh, fabulous. I know. Ah. 167 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,519 Women have had to endure disappointing penises 168 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,399 for far too long. 169 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,999 No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor. 170 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,719 Grandma likes to speak in feminist sound bites. 171 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,119 Started with her divorce 172 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,479 and got more intense as she discovered '90s feminism. 173 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:15,159 She'd drive topless on hot days and beep her horn at men because... 174 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,479 If men can do it, why can't we? 175 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,159 She had the Kama Sutra on VHS 176 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,759 and she'd show it to anybody who'd pop round. 177 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,799 She used to work as an Ann Summers party host too, 178 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,399 so the garage was always full of sex toys. 179 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,959 I once opened up a box of key ring cocks, 180 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,119 gave them out to all my friends at school 181 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,199 cos I thought they were Beaker from the Muppets. 182 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,999 Life's too short to stuff a mushroom. 183 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:43,199 Oh, come on, stop... stop ganging up on me, you two. 184 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,559 I won't come again. Right... We're just teasing. 185 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,839 Yeah, well, it's a bit early for that, don't you think? 186 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,159 All right, Mum, don't bring us all down on our second meeting 187 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,279 in nearly a decade. 188 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:54,960 OK, everyone just... 189 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,080 Just a laugh. 190 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,039 It can get nasty with us pretty quick. 191 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,559 The best thing to do is find something we all mutually hate 192 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:05,999 more than each other. 193 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,920 Too many people with beards in 'ere. 194 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,159 Ugh. I agree. 195 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,439 Thank fuck for that. 196 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,000 People with beards shouldn't be allowed to eat in public. 197 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,159 Oh, can we go outside? 198 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,799 I—I prefer the outdoors. 199 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,159 It's the Nicaraguan shepherd in me. 200 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,599 You what? 201 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,119 She did Ancestry.com last year. 202 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:30,599 You can trace us all the way back to the mountains of Nicaragua. 203 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,199 And I tell you what, I think that is a lot of our trouble. 204 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,119 We're not meant to be here. We're meant to be in the mountains 205 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,879 playing the marimba. 206 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,840 Maybe I should take you back to t'hospital with me! 207 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,520 Jim... 208 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,200 "Why do you want to work at SubNGo?" 209 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,679 Um... 210 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,119 Oh... Do you know, I'm really regretting this key. 211 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,439 Stop everything you're doing, I need all your focus 212 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,479 on my Tinder profile. God, YOU don't waste any time, do you? 213 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,159 I've not been off the thing. I've got dicks coming out my ears. 214 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,399 I ended up in a salsa club last night 215 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,559 and nearly had another partial prolapse. OK. 216 00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,039 Ooh. 217 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,439 Do you know, I've not even had one swipe right yet. 218 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,839 Another one! Hee-hee! 219 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,599 Oh, no - dog lover. 220 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,399 What's wrong with a dog lover? 221 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,039 I don't want to make love to a man 222 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,239 who is emotionally involved with an animal. 223 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:34,879 OK. So will you read these interview questions with me? 224 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,479 Yeah, OK. What is it? 225 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,799 I'm applying for a job at SubNGo. 226 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,759 Good. About time. 227 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,399 All right, go on, then. 228 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,359 Why do you want to work at SubNGo? 229 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,120 Because I like sandwiches. 230 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:49,799 No. 231 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:53,279 Yeah, cos, cos, cos I LOVE sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, and...? 232 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,519 Because SubNGo is a sandwich shop with a dream. 233 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,639 Yeah, yeah. 234 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,319 Because I'm not afraid to make a butty that's a bit out there. 235 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,519 Been making sandwiches for yourself for years! 236 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,879 I've made sandwiches before. 237 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,199 I'll make them again. Why not do it professionally? 238 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,599 You're passionate about bread. 239 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,839 I LOVE it. How much? I REALLY love it. 240 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,199 Don't believe you. I LOVE IT! 241 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,039 I want to fuck a sandwich! 242 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,879 Come on! Show me that sandwich! 243 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,719 Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich! 244 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,439 I AM a sandwich! 245 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,079 Sandwich! Ooh-ooh-ooh! 246 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,159 I've always loved sandwiches. Yeah. 247 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,879 And I can see myself as somebody... Yeah! 248 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,320 ..who can make sandwiches here. 249 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,799 And where do you see your career going? 250 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:32,839 Well! 251 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,519 I see myself as quite a Julie Walters, actually - 252 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,759 you know, start off on stage. Before I know it, I'm in film. 253 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,479 National treasure by 50. 254 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,439 I mean, as a sandwich artist. 255 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,039 Oh, God, of course. Yeah, sorry. 256 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,839 Um, well, I see myself doing what you're doing. 257 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,719 Get one of those funky little numbers. 258 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,479 "Supervisor", you know? 259 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,319 I could do that. 260 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:54,679 Here at SubNGo, 261 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:58,319 we're a global family and every person brings something unique. 262 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,240 What do you think YOU bring to the SubNGo family? 263 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:03,799 Um, well, 264 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,839 I'm a Libran, ascending to Scorpio. 265 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,319 So quite unique. 266 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,719 I've got the tranquil charm 267 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,839 of a Libran, but the drive 268 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,439 of a Scorpion unafraid to blaze her own trail. 269 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:18,559 So... I mean, when I say, a trail that blazes, you know, 270 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,879 within the rules of a corporate structure, I'm not going to... 271 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,799 I trailblaze, but very quietly, you know, 272 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,559 if-if-if you know what I mean. 273 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,520 We're not corporate. We're a family here. 274 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,160 OK, right. 275 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,200 OK. 276 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,479 Let's start with a couple of trial shifts. 277 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,319 You're joking! Mm-hm. 278 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,719 Fuck off! 279 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,839 Not in that way, but that is amazing! 280 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,359 Thank you so much, this is fabulous! Whoo! 281 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,239 I'll tell you what, you won't regret it because you're getting the best 282 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,759 of an air and a water sign with me. 283 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,519 Best of both, like the bread. 284 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,199 Ooh - sandwiches! 285 00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,639 Welcome to the family. 286 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,720 We don't call them barms, Mary, we call them baps. 287 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,439 Is THIS all right? 288 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,159 "Hi, Gaz..." Oof - Gaz?! 289 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,159 You're not going to shag a Gaz, are you? 290 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,839 Mustard? Yeah, please. "Hi, Gaz. 291 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,079 "Cool snake..." 292 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,079 He's got a pet snake, you see. 293 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,919 Is snaky Gaz really the man for you? 294 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,399 I can't lose him, Leanne, he's my only match. 295 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,520 All right. Well, how about this? 296 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,039 "Hi, Gaz. Cool snake..." 297 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,759 And then summat a bit sexy. 298 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,119 Gherkin? Yeah. 299 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,439 A bit sexy? 300 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:34,559 Yeah. 301 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:35,999 Should it be snake-related? 302 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,840 Definitely. See? 303 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:40,559 OK. 304 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:44,199 Got it. "Hi, Gaz, cool snake. 305 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,799 "Looks very big." 306 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,039 Yeah? 307 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,959 "Can't wait to see it in person." 308 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,119 Aubergine emoji, snake emoji 309 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,799 hand-covering-face emoji. 310 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,839 Yeah, something like that. Here you are, love. 311 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,160 I've sent it. What? 312 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,679 We were in the spitballing phase, Alma, 313 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:03,679 we were not in the sending phase. 314 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,399 That was all right, though, wasn't it? That was... Mm! 315 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,360 Not good? Not OK? 316 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,319 Well, how do you delete messages on Tinder? 317 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:13,959 You can't. 318 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,919 Well, that's ridiculous, in't it? I mean that's, that's stupid. 319 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,959 I mean, somebody should do something about that. 320 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,759 They should start a petition or something. 321 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,480 Right, give it here, let me sort it out. Oh, my God! 322 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,479 What are you doing? Hang on. Hang on. 323 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,719 Careful because me and you are very different. Hang on! 324 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:30,919 Honestly, Mary, 325 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,879 she's got a sexual magnetism that permeates through Tinder. 326 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,479 It's wild. 327 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,479 God. Ugh, guitar, gross. Huge nose. 328 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,319 Ugh, pouting. 329 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,359 All right. He's all right, yep. 330 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,839 All right. Right. 331 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,440 There... you... go. 332 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,599 I got you a date for tonight. 333 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,639 Oh, my God. And two pending. 334 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:52,679 Oh, my God! 335 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,240 God, you're a machine. 336 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,839 Do you know, it's fantastic, in't it? I've got a job, 337 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,239 I'm dating. I'm a normal human being. 338 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,759 Whoo! Whoo! 339 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:03,919 Oh! 340 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,480 Sorry, Mary. 341 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,440 But my real passion... 342 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,079 ..is taxidermy. 343 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,439 What's that, then? The art of preparing, 344 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,599 stuffing and mounting 345 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:22,799 the skins of dead animals with lifelike effect. Right. 346 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:24,439 That sounds... well, 347 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,759 fucking horrible, to be honest, John. 348 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,759 It's preserving animals. 349 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:29,999 It's an artform. 350 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,159 OK. 351 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:35,639 So your profile picture - when's that actually from? 352 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,159 Cos you look quite different now. Do I? 353 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,599 Yeah, I mean, you had hair, 354 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,360 and you were less... here. 355 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,399 So, how long have you been on Tinder, then? 356 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,679 Not long. 357 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:56,120 But I have to be honest, I'm going on a lot of dates. 358 00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,680 So don't be getting jealous. 359 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,839 Oh, I won't. I'm really enjoying it, actually. 360 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:08,119 I went on a lovely salsa date with a very sensual woman 361 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,799 called Joan the other day. Joan? 362 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,159 Head-to-toe in animal print, she was, 363 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,999 which, of course, as a taxidermy enthusiast, 364 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,079 that's a big turn-on for me. 365 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,679 Oh, my God. I think you went on a date with my grandma. 366 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,600 Really?! Wow. 367 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,559 How fun! 368 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,400 Do you fancy pudding? 369 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,160 No. 370 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,319 Oh, you look fantastic. 371 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,239 One of the family. 372 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,239 The thing is, I'm not sure 373 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,119 about the sort of masochistic sandwich on the front here. 374 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,999 It doesn't feel very me. 375 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,999 You know? What, Sergio? 376 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,599 Everybody starts out wearing this little lad. 377 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,439 It's where I started out. 378 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,679 Look at me now. 379 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:11,879 Yeah, well, I think I'm all right with the T-shirt. 380 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,480 But it's the hat. 381 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,919 You see, I suffer from very bad hat hair. 382 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:24,879 It's severe. And if I put this on, even just for a second, 383 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,519 to be quite frank with you, Gregg, 384 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:30,239 I'll be ruined. Sandwich artistes must wear hats. 385 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,399 Brand values. 386 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,960 Any wiggle room? 387 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,280 You've missed a bit. 388 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,080 What the hell are you doing?! 389 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,359 I'm eating my muffin. You have to ask me! 390 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,599 I've got a sandwich shop to run here. 391 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,839 OK. Would you mind, 392 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,279 during this mad rush, 393 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,079 if I took a break, Gregg? 394 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,519 Well, you're not supposed to just take food. 395 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,879 I thought we were allowed one muffin per day. 396 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:40,080 You have to ask. 397 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:45,000 I'm afraid I'm going to have to put a sad face on the board, Alma. 398 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:25,159 Hello! Welcome to SubNGo, the home of Sergio the Sub. 399 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,919 Who, I have to say, in my opinion's quite creepy. 400 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,279 He's actually a sub eating a baby sub. 401 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,919 Bit weird - cannibalism. 402 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,879 But anyway... What can I get you? 403 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,680 You got anything... healthy? 404 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,080 To be honest, no. I mean, look at Gregg. 405 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,719 He eats two a day. 406 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,399 He's fucked. 407 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,679 The healthiest thing we've probably got is the salad. 408 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,999 But to be honest, I wouldn't touch one of those tomatoes - 409 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,159 it's been there four days. 410 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,279 And the bread! I mean, look at this! 411 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,079 It's like cement. 412 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,400 You know? We can't even legally call this bread "bread" any more. 413 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:02,079 Look at that! 414 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:03,480 I wouldn't b... 415 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,639 Right, forget internet dating - that didn't work. 416 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:16,879 No, it did not. 417 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,079 We're going to have to do this the old-fashioned way - 418 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,839 get you hammered, find a man you don't fancy, sleep with him anyway 419 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,759 and see if he grows on you over time. 420 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,119 Right. 421 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,520 OK. Got your pick of the litter in here tonight. 422 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,719 A bit of a runt litter, Leanne. 423 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,919 Here, some of the best shags I've had 424 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,319 have been with the most unusual of men. 425 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,079 Take him, for example. 426 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,119 Behind that doughy exterior is a lion of a man. 427 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,400 Trust me. 428 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:48,280 What about him? 429 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,159 He's not awful. Great start. 430 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,360 Now, give him a smile. OK. 431 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:02,760 Hello. 432 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,399 Sorry. Oh, God, no. 433 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,959 Uh, you look very familiar. Sorry. 434 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,759 You very much look like my cousin. 435 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,079 Sorry. Yeah. 436 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,520 Hello. Sorry. 437 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,639 What the fuck was that, Alma? 438 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,959 I don't know. I just panicked. 439 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,239 And to be honest, he does look a bit too like my cousin to have sex with. 440 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,519 This is what happens after years of being in a relationship 441 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,799 with an abusive prick like Anthony. 442 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,759 You chip away at your self-esteem 443 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,159 until you can't even smile at strangers. 444 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,400 You were never like this until you met him. 445 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,119 Well, no more. 446 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,719 It's time to embrace your fabulousness, Alma. 447 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:40,839 Is it? 448 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,279 I'm not sure it is. 449 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,519 It is. 450 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,479 I'm hot. Say it with me now. 451 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,079 What, now? 452 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,719 OK. I'm hot. I'm hot. 453 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:54,919 I'm sexy. I'm sexy. 454 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,439 And everybody wants to fuck me. 455 00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,439 And everybody wants to fuck me. 456 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,280 Oh. 457 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:11,480 Right, let's get shitfaced and see what happens. 458 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,640 You do look a lot like my cousin. 459 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,080 Fuck it. 460 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,520 God, that's a fabulous lamp. 461 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,520 Oh... 462 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,439 Yeah, yeah... 463 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,840 Oh... Oh... 464 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,679 Oh, sorry. 465 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:56,639 Er, can you carry on? 466 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,999 No, it's just, I don't think I can. 467 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,239 Why? 468 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,159 I—I feel guilty. 469 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,999 What? 470 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,600 I've got a girlfriend, you see. 471 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:10,679 What?! 472 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,400 I'm sorry, I just... I couldn't help myself, could I? 473 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,720 But now I feel really guilty. 474 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:23,119 So, not only a shit shag 475 00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:25,439 and a boring pissant, 476 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,479 you're actually a shit boyfriend to someone too. 477 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:30,320 Fucking hell. 478 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:33,920 Oh... Do you know what? 479 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,679 I should have been paid for this. 480 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:41,319 Actually, yeah. No, I'll have my taxi fare. 481 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,200 Yeah, come on. 482 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,560 Yeah, cough up. 483 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,999 No, I'll have more than that, please. Where else you got in there? 484 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,360 That'll do. 485 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,199 Yeah, lovely. 486 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,080 Thank you... very much. 487 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,319 Do you know what? I'm having the flamingo. 488 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,520 Hey, not the lamp. 489 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,399 Oh, fuck, I love that lamp. 490 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,040 Fuck you very much. 491 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,000 You're late. 492 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,159 No hat? 493 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,639 I know, I'm sorry, because I-I overslept. 494 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,799 I was on the back foot, I ran out, forgot the hat. 495 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,199 Dashed. Late. Sorry. 496 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:34,080 Now, you know what I SHOULD do, don't you? 497 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,919 I should finish off that half face. 498 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,359 Fuck's sake. That's what I SHOULD do. 499 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,440 But I'm going to be kind to you. 500 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,439 It's not kind, is it, Gregg? 501 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,639 Because if you finish that half face, 502 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,759 that completes the three sad faces, 503 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,719 and then you'll have to let me go, 504 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,279 and you'll have no-one to work for free 505 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,279 on the degrading list of tests you've set for me 506 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:01,560 under the condescending title of "sandwich artist", will you, Gregg? 507 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,639 Well, I'm going to do a quarter face. 508 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:07,879 Just do the full fucking face, Gregg. 509 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:09,919 Well, I might! Do it. 510 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:12,239 Well, I'm going to do the eye. 511 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,240 Let me help you, Gregg. 512 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:36,600 I think you should leave. Fine. 513 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,480 I want my muffin back. 514 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,879 It's not YOUR muffin, though, is it, Gregg? 515 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,920 You didn't finish your shift - you don't get another muffin. 516 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,399 Just one more thing. If you die tomorrow, 517 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,679 this SubNGo family of yours, 518 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,360 they would replace you within the week. 519 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,359 And, you know, I know I was a bit... 520 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,119 ..but I'm feeling very, very confident now. 521 00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,679 I'm up for it and I just want to get back on. 522 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,520 Back on... on... on with everything. 523 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:21,879 So what's the change of heart about? 524 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,159 Well, I got a job at SubNGo and joined Tinder. 525 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:26,599 That'll do it. 526 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:27,759 Yeah. 527 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:30,079 Aren't you an actress? Well, I want to be. 528 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,199 Well, that's all this job is. 529 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,639 You're playing a role for a very intimate audience. 530 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:37,520 Yeah, you're right. 531 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,880 Be the best-paid acting job I've ever had. Yes, it will. 532 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,920 Right, I'm an actress. 533 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:49,880 You ready? 534 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:52,560 Yeah. 535 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,760 Hiya, I'm Ruby.